Category:

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 16

11p: Lindsay Lohan / Jack White

Rude Buddha!

Buddha…..Andy Samberg
Scribe…..Fred Armisen
Karen…..Nasim Pedrad
First Disciple…..Bill Hader
Second Disciple…..Vanessa Bayer
Third Disciple…..Bobby Moynihan
Fourth Disciple…..Lindsay Lohan

Annuncer: [ over SCROLL ] “Over two-thousand years ago, a man known as Buddha attained enlightenment while sitting beneath a banyan tree. He became a teacher and spiritual guide. Yet for all his wisdom, the Buddha had another side, a side seen only by his closest disciples. These are the tales of… Rude Buddha.”

Jingle: [ over slides of buddha making fun of his followers ] “Rude Buddha! Rude Buddha! Rude Buddha! Rude Buddha!”

[ dissolve to Buddha sitting peacefully on a rock, with Karen and a Scribe by his side ]

Buddha: Who seeks the consel of the Buddha?

First Disciple: Great Buddha… my mind is always racing. How can I find enlightenment, if I cannot find a moment’s peace?

Buddha: “A flower falls, even though we love it; and a weed grows, even though we do not love it.”

First Disciple: So I should accept things as they are?

Buddha: “A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.”

First Disciple: Thank you, Buddha. [ he exits ]

Buddha: Annnnnd… that guy’s single steps should be off a CLIFF! ] his Scribe laughs ] “Um, Buddha, should I accept things as they are?” [ he laughs ] “Uh, no… you should accept that you’re never getting LAID!” [ he laughs ] Oh! Here comes another one. Be cool… be cool.

[ Second Disciple comes forward ]

Second Disciple: Buddha… my husband’s mother makes me so tense. I’m unable to live in the moment.

Buddha: “There is no one path to enlightenment; a jug fills drop by drop.”

Second Disciple: Thank you, Buddha! [ she exits ]

Buddha: Uh… yeah, speaking of jugs! [ he laughs ] Did you guys see the RACK on her! [ his Scribe laughs along] I think my little Buddha just obtained FULL conciousness! Yeah! Buddha like-a the boob-a! [ his Scribe laughs ] Yeah, this guy knows what I’m talking about! Oh, here comes another guy, I’m totally gonna mess with him!

[ Third Disciple comes forward ]

Third Disciple: Buddha, my work consumes me. Even when I am with my family, I think about my crops.

Buddha: “You take the good… you take the bad… you take them both… and then you have… The Facts of Life.”

Third Disciple: [ nodding ] The facts of life. [ he exits ]

Buddha: [ he laughs] I just completely ripped that! Uh, P.S.: Did you guys get a whiff of his breath? He could use an enlighten-mint! [ he laughs ] Did you write that down?

Scribe: Yeah, I got it. [ he laughs ]

Buddha: Man! These people are MORONS! Right, Karen? [ Karen remains mute ] Oh, yeah! She is… just… totally checked out! [ he looks up ] Oh! Hottie alert! Act wise!

[ Fourth Disciple comes forward ]

Fourth Disciple: Great Buddha… I feel that my meditation is not working. Is there any way you can help me reach nirvana?

Buddha: [ he tries to maintain his composure ] Yes, my child. I can show you then Zen way. Come back tonight, say… elevenish, and we will… “meditate”.

Fourth Disciple: And we will reach enlightenment together?

Buddha: Uh — well, I’m definitely gonna get there! [ he laughs ] You might have to work a little overtime!

Fourth Disciple: Thank you, Buddha… I guess. [ she exits ]

Buddha: Oh, I’ll show her the Zen way. First, I take her home; Zen, I take her clothes off. [ he laughs ] I hope she’s not Jewish, ’cause she’s as good as PORKED! [ he laughs ] Yeah! If my tree falls in her forest, you better believe the neighbors are gonna hear it! Right, Karen? [ he laughs ]

[ the last two disciples re-appear ]

Fourth Disciple: Buddha! We’ve been hearing everything you’ve been saying! How can you treat your disciples this way?!

Third Disciple: Yeah, what’s with you?!

Buddha: My apologies to both of you. Come closer. [ Third Disciple kneels before Buddha ] What is the sound of one hand clapping?

Third Disciple: I… I don’t know. What is the sound of one–?

[ Buddha bitch-slaps him across the face ]

[ cut to opening graphics ]

Jingle: [ over slides of buddha making fun of his followers ] “Rude Buddha! Rude Buddha! Rude Buddha! Rude Buddha!”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 16

11p: Lindsay Lohan / Jack White

70’s Album II

Guy…..Jason Sudeikis

[ open on Guy sitting by the fire, as soft 70’s-style music plays ]

Guy: Oh, hey! I’m glad you’re back. Remember that thing I was saying about 70’s music, about putting it on a bunch of CDs? That gave me this great idea! What if you put all that music… [ suddenly, as he pokes at the fire, the flames erupt into a huge fireball ] Oooooooohhhh! [ he pulls his burnt hand back and curses ] OHHH!! GOD!! [ he sucks on his burnt hand ] I just put my hand in a freakin’ fire! [ he stands and walsk away from the fire ]

[ cut to title card ]

Announcer: This has been that same guy burning his hand.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 16

11p: Lindsay Lohan / Jack White

70’s Album

Guy…..Jason Sudeikis

[ open on close-up of crackling fireplace, as soft 70’s-style music plays ]

[ dissolve to Guy sitting before the fire ]

Guy: Don’t you love the music from the 70’s? The kind of music with a soft, easy beat, that you could listen to over and over again? Wouldn’t it be ,i>great to get all those special songs on one amazing 8-disc set? [ he pokes at the fire with his ?? for a minute, then finally turns back around ] That’s be great, right? [ he returns his focus to the fire ]

[ cut to title card ]

Announcer: This has been a weird guy by a fire.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 16


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:



Bit Players:

Guest Writer:


March 4th, 2012

Lindsay Lohan

Jack White

None

Jimmy Fallon

Jon Hamm

Michael Patrick O’Brien

Jorma Taccone

Fox ReportSummary: Creepy Shepard Smith (Bill Hader) wards off “Mother” while conducting separate interviews with Mitt Romney (Jason Sudeikis) and his five sons.

Recurring Characters: Shepard Smith, Mitt Romney, Kid Rock.

Transcript

Montage

Lindsay Lohan’s MonologueSummary: Although the cast and crew purports to trust Lindsay Lohan after her recent troubles, they still double-check for possible infractions and have John Hamm on stand-by as a replacement host, just in case.

Transcript

The Real Housewives of DisneySummary: Disney princesses Rapunzel (Lindsay Lohan), Snow White (Vanessa Bayer), Belle (Abby Elliott), Jasmine (Nasim Pedrad), and Cinderella (Kristen Wiig) act like bitchy diva housewives on their new reality show.

Transcript

2012 Psychic AwardsSummary: Among the evening’s highlights: the Best Foreign Psychic nominees know the results before it’s announced, and a memorial reel of participants who will die in the coming year.

Transcript

Scared StraightSummary: Hardcore inmates Lorenzo McIntosh (Kenan Thompson) and Lindsay Lohan try to scare a trio of young punks (Bobby Moynihan, Andy Samberg, Bill Hader) straight.

Recurring Characters: Lorenzo McIntosh, Officer Sikorsky.

Jack White performs “Love Interruption”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Political correspondent James Carville (Bill Hader) comments on Rush Limbaugh’s most recent controversial comments, as well as other recent Republical gaffes. Snooki (Bobby Moynihan) comments on whether or not she’s pregnant, and reveals Jon Hamm as the father.

Recurring Characters: James Carville, Snooki.

Deliquent Girl Teen GangSummary: After being released from jail, a group of teen girls carelessly dance around the street, except for Babette (Fred Armisen), who dances in the middle of the street and is repeatedly hit by passing cars.

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Dee (Andy Samberg) and Paula (Kristen Wiig) sing about their united “Afro” in a video invitation to their upcoming wedding.

B108 FMSummary: Richard (Taran Killam), The Buffalo (Bobby Moynihan), and Illiterate Lisa (Lindsay Lohan) work the morning zoo format at five a.m.

ChantixSummary: A woman (Kristen Wiig) wants to quit smoking, but the side effects of Chantix are worse than her nicotine addiction.

Note: Repeat from 11k.

House SittingSummary: Chevelyn (Kristen Wiig) hires Megan (Lindsay Lohan) to housesit for her while she’s on vacation, but will she ever get out the door knowing that a supposed crazy stalker won’t stop dialing her phone?

VerizonSummary: An older man (Fred Armisen) wants to buy a cell phone, but he can’t comprehend the numerous weirdly-named options being pushed on him by the youthful salesman (Bill Hader).

Note: Repeat from 11n

Jack White performs “Sixteen Saltines”

Rude Buddha!Summary: Buddha (Andy Samberg) makes disparaging comments about his disciples behind their backs after dispensing his wisdom upon them.

Transcript

70’s AlbumSummary: A weird guy (Jason Sudeikis) pokes around the fire after reminiscing about 70’s music.

Transcript

70’s Album IISummary: A weird guy (Jason Sudeikis) burns his hand in the fire after reminiscing about 70’s music.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Sneaking OutSummary: Teenagers (Lindsay Lohan, Vanessa Bayer) keep trying to sneak out of their house without being caught by their parents (Kristen Wiig, Jason Sudeikis).

RestaurantSummary: Diner (Lindsay Lohan) has trouble ordering fish at a restaurant.

Victoria’s SecretSummary: Sales clerk keeps trying to assist women who are shopping for lingerie.

Santorum/JFKSummary: The ghost of John F. Kennedy (Jon Hamm) keeps interrupting Rick Santorum (Andy Samberg) as he delivers a speech.

Recurring Characters: Rick Santorum, John F. Kennedy.

Stephen HawkingSummary: Stephen Hawking (Fred Armisen) visits a nightclub.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 15


]]>

11o: Maya Rudolph / Sleigh Bells

Weekend Update with Seth Meyers

…..Seth Meyers
…..Amy Poehler

Announcer: “Weekend Update”, with Seth Meyers.

Seth Meyers: Good evening, I’m Seth Meyers. Here are tonight’s top stories.

A new poll shows that President Obama’s approval rating has risen in recent weeks, and now stands at 50%. Said the president: [ image: Newt Gingrich, Rick Santorum, Mitt Romney ] “Keep talking, fellas!”

A Congressional hearing held Thursday to debate President Obama’s birth control mandate was criticized for not including any women. Though that makes sense once you learn that the hearing was held in the Congressional tree house.

CBS said, this week, they expect high profits this year, due in part to increased ad revenue from Republican presidential candidates. Because if you can find this lady believable as a cop… [ image: Emilt Procter, “CSI: Miami”] you might find this guy believable as a president. [ image: Rick Santorum ]

The commander of the International Space Station, on Wednesday, shook hands with Robonaut, which NASA officials are calling the first ever handshake between a human and a robot in space — and which robots are ominously calling “Phase 1”.

A Pekingese named Malachy was named Best in Show at this year’s Westminster Dog Show. Oh, man… that dog is gonna get so much leg! And as always at Westminster, Worst in Show went to Ralph. Why do you keep trying, Ralph?

Seth Meyers: This week, the birth control debate came to the forefront again, after Congressman Daniel Eissmann called a hearing on President Obama’s healthcare mandate, but failed to invite any women to join the panel. That brings us to a segment we like to call: “Really!?! with Seth and Amy”.

[ Amy Poehler appears at the desk ]

Seth Meyers: Ready to do this? [ Amy nods ] Let’s do it!

Amy Poehler: Really? Really, Congress? You held a congressional committee on reproductive rights, and you did not invite any women? Really! That would be like not inviting any men to a congressional committee debating the Maxim Top 100! Really!

Seth Meyers: Really! And, really — men HAVE to be smarter when they talk about birth control. This week, Foster Frees, the billionaire backer of Rick Santorum, joked that when he was young, women held an aspirin between their knees for birth control. Good one! But do you really want to start a discussion of health care with “When I was young…”? when you were young, people died of polio! I mean, really!

Amy Poehler: Really! Now, later in the week, Frees apologized for his comments. Well, we’d love to accept your apology, Foster, but you made a mistake… and now you’re going to have to live with that mistake for the rest of your life! Really!

Seth Meyers: Really!

Amy Poehler: And you know why we need birth control? There are TOO MANY PEOPLE!! Do you guys remember the opening ceremony at the Chinese Olympics?! They built PYRAMIDS out of PEOPLE!! Pyramids!

Seth Meyers: Pyramids!

Amy Poehler: Pyramids!

Seth Meyers: There are PEOPLE pyramids!

Amy Poehler: PEOPLE pyramids! THAT should be an adverisement for condoms! [ she throws up her hands in disgust ]

Seth Meyers: Meanwhile, both Mitt Romney and Rick Santorum used the Rhythm Method, and, with five and eight kids respectively, it seems like they might have even less rhythm than we thought! I mean, really!

Amy Poehler: Really! The Virginia House of Representatives, this week, passed a bill that require women to have a transvaginal ultrasound before having an abortion. Really! Now, don’t get me wrong. I love Transvaginal — it’s my favorite airline! I got so many miles on Transvaginal that I alaways get upgraded to Lady Business!

Seth Meyers: Really?

Amy Poehler: Yeah, really!

Seth Meyers: Oh! But Virginia wasn’t done. They also passed a bill saying “Life begins at conception.” What’s next, “Life begins at last call?” “Life begins when you click Send on your Match.com profile?” I mean, really!

Amy Poehler: Really! Mike Huckabee joined the fight against President Obama’s mandate, saying, “We’re ALL Catholic now!” Really? You know who is NOT All-Catholic now? All Cstholics now! 98% of Catholic women say they’ve used birth control, and the other 2% are always the ones trying to get a church to start a softball team! Really!

Seth Meyers: Really!

Amy Poehler: Don’t tell me what to do!

[ cut to title card ]

Announcer: This has been “Really!?! with Seth & Amy”.

[ return to news desk ]

Seth Meyers: Amy, uh… it would be my honor…

Amy Poehler: Yeah, yeah, I’ll stick around and tell some jokes!

Seth Meyers: Okay.

Amy Poehler: A new study shows that a record high 1 in 12 marriages in the U.S. are interracial. The study went on to say: “But, hey, it’s none of my business…”

It was reported that while on a trip to South Africa, singer Shakira was attacked by a sea lion after she got too close to it. And the story has to be true, because the story was reported by Shakira’s hips.

Seth Meyers: Hips don’t lie. They don’t lie. Her hips don’t lie! That’s what you’re getting at, right?

Amy Poehler: Yes!

Seth Meyers: Yeah.

Amy Poehler: That’s what I said.

Seth Meyers: Yeah, I get it!

New research suggests that men who are “too nice” on Valentine’s Day and buy their women too many gifts make the women suspect that the men are cheating. So your instincts were right: You CAN’T win!

New York’s MTA, which is replacing wooden benches in the subway stations with new metal ones, will be selling the old wooden benches for $600, to… [ confused ] The Center for Disease Control? And, if you act now, they’ll even throw in an exhausted rabbi.

Amy Poehler: Police in New York broke up a drug ring that sold marijuana in Sour Patch candy wrappers. Forcing many New Yorkers to shrug and call their other guy.

Some linguistics experts have noted that the hit British series “Downton Abbey”, which is set in the 1920s, has incorrectly used phrases that would not have been popular until much later, including: “Step on it,” “Push comes to shove,” and the most glaring of all: “You should totally tweet that.”

Seth Meyers: The 2012 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue was released this week with model Kate Upton on the cover. It’s just a shame they didn’t have a swimsuit in her size.

Insiders are saying that a new cola war may break out between Coke and Pepsi, with Pepsi planning $600 million in the next year on marketing. Pepsi is even rolling out a new slogan: “We Don’t Have Coke. Is Pepsi Okay?”

Seth Meyers: For “Weekend Update”, I’m Seth Meyers!

Amy Poehler: And I’m Amy Poehler! Good night!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 15

11o: Maya Rudolph / Sleigh Bells

New York Sports Now

Dan Mardell…..Bill Hader
Sportscaster #1…..Kenan Thompson
Sportscaster #2…..Jay Pharoah
Joe Dickson…..Taran Killam

[ open on graphics ]

[ dissolve to sports desk ]

Dan Mardell: Welcome to “New York Sports Now”. I’m Dan Mardell… with our special report on Knicks point guard — #17, Jeremy Lin, and the Lin-sanity surrounding him. Now, uh, despite the Knicks’ loss in New Orleans, the Big Apple is still in the middle of a Jeremy Lin-vasion. Fellows — do you have Lin-sanity?

Sportscaster #2: Hey — you better lock me up! I mean, I am criminally Lin-sane!

Joe Dickson: [ laughing ] Oh, yeah! My feelings are… Lin-tense!

Sportscaster #1: It’s Lin-describable! I mean, I am Lin-erally… Lin love… with this Jeremy Lin!

Dan Mardell: I think we can all agree that we’ll never get tired of Lin puns!

Sportscaster #1: Well… as Charlie Sheen would say: “Lin-ninnnnnggg!”

[ they all laugh ]

Dan Mardell: That’s another thing we never got tired of! [ he laughs ] Yeah. Now, with all the talk swirling around Lin, some of the discussion has gotten racially charged. We’ve seen derogatory statements from Fox Sports’ Jason Whitlock and ESPN.com. The bottom line is — the kid’s a great basketball player, and race has nothing to do with it. As the New York Post said… [ he holds up front page ] “He’s Amasian!”

[ they all laugh ]

Sportscaster #1: Hilarious! Hilarious! I mean, he’s unstoppable! He’s like that sign said at Wednesday’s game: [ he holds up sign ] “Lin is the Knicks good for-tune!”

Sportscaster #2: He’s sweet not sour.

Sportscaster #1: He turned Kobe into kobe beef!

Joe Dickson: And Kobe’s like, “Hey! I ordered fried chicken!”

[ the guys react negatively to his racist joke ]

Sportscaster #2: You said chicken! You said chicken!

Dan Mardell: Come on, Joe! Leave race out of this! Fellows, Jeremy Lin had some amazing moments this week. What were some of your favorite Lin-cidences?

Sportscaster #1: Well, I’d say it was in the Fourth Quarter against the Lakers. Lin goes to the corner and… Me love you LONG time… sends a three!

Sportscaster #2: I gotta say, Knicks wrapped up last Tuesday. Five seconds left, Lin goes to the top of the key and — Wax on, wax off, Mr. Miyagi! — game winning shot!

Joe Dickson: Actually, I picked the Knicks kings when Lin passed it to Amare Stoudemire. Stoudemire was dancing like Maury Povich just told him: “You are NOT the father!” [ he laughs ]

[ the guys react negatively to his racist joke ]

Sportscaster #1: He was NOT dancing!

Joe Dickson: [ nervously ] I’m just finding the line…

Dan Mardell: If he was, I bet he was saying, “No more arigato, Mr. Lin-bato!”

Sportscaster #1: Ha ha! Now, THAT’S funny! That’s funny!

Dan Mardell: [ bowing gratefully ] Switching gears for a moment, it’s Black History Month. Let’s take a moment to honor a great African-American athlete.

[ cut to black-and-footage of Jackie Robinson ]

Voiceover: Jackie Robinson. An amazing who broke down barriers. Robinson endured name-calling and racial taunts, but he persevered. And that’s why, today, the sports world is… [ over SUPER ] Tolerant.

[ cut back to the sports desk, as Sportscaster #2 bangs a gong ]

Dan Mardell: The Lin Dynasty! “New York Sports Now” caught up with Jeremy Lin last Tuesday. Let’s take a look.

[ cut to interview footage with Jeremy Lin ]

Dan Mardell V/O: “Ha ha! It was a great honor to throw the ball today! Better than throwing stones! Ha! Soon, we battle Dallas and I will try my tiger claw technique! Go!”

[ cut back to Dan Mardell laughing at the sports desk ]

Dan Mardell: Oops! Whoever switched the audio, that person will be reprimanded!

Sportscaster #1: You know, I think there is something glaring that we are all overlooking. I mean, what’s gonna happen when Carmelo Anthony comes back?

Dan Mardell: I hope he likes Chinese in his MSG! See what I did there?

Sportscaster #1: [ laughing ] Yeah, I saw that! I saw that!

Sportscaster #2: Hey! Carmelo’s gonna see Lin in the locker room and be like, “Excuse me, are we playing Ping-Pong here?”

[ the guys all laugh ]

Joe Dickson: Well, they may not see him at all, because my homie Carmelo rolls in late!

Sportscaster #1: Hey! Hey! I’ll tell you one more time! One more time!

Sportscaster #2: That’s extremely offensive!

Sportscaster #1: Yeah! The notion that an African-Anerican male is late for work is an outdated and IGNORANT stereotype!

Joe Dickson: [ bewildered ] I’m sorry… I thought we were having that kind of fun! Dan back me up!

Dan Mardell: [ to the camera, serious ] We apologize to the viewers at home for the comments of Joe Dickson. They were Lin-sensitive and politically Lin-correct. He has been fired!

[ wide shot reveals Dickson’s sudden absence from the sports desk ]

Dan Mardell: When we return. we’ll talk to Jeremy Lin with comedian Don Rickles and a crotchety World War II veteran. “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 15

11o: Maya Rudolph / Sleigh Bells

The Obama Show

Michelle Obama…..Maya Rudolph
President Barack Obama…..Fred Armisen
Agent Conners…..Taran Killam
Joe Jamal-Biden…..Jason Sudeikis
Hillary Clinton…..Amy Poehler

[ open on title card ]

Announcer: And now a message from First Lady Michelle Obama.

[ dissolve to Michelle Obama seated in chair ]

Michelle Obama: Good evening, thanks. In the past few weeks, I’ve made several television appearances in an effort to bring attention to my campaign against childhood obesity. From “Jay Leno” to “iCarly”, I’ve tried to teach kids and parents about fitness in a fun and entertaining way. But the work is not done. Fitness starts with the family. Which is why, tonight, I am proud to announce my new media campaign: An educational, yet laugh-filled half-hour comedy starring my family. I hope you’ll enjoy it.

[ cut to Cosby-style opening credits for “The Obama Show” ]

[ dissolve to exterior, White House ]

Voiceover: “The Obama Show” is filmed before a live studio audience.

[ dissolve to interior, Huxtable-style living room inside the White House, as President Barack Obama lays down a tray of fatty foods onto the coffee table ]

President Barack Obama: [ in Cosby voice ] Mr. Speaker! Distinguished guests! And fellow Americans! I hereby approooooooove… this hoagie for eating! But first — some amendments! I’m gonna add a little SALAMI to the hoagie! [ he throws salami down ] Whommmmp! I’m gonna put a PICKLE on the hoagie! [ he throws a pickle down ] Bwaaaapp! And we’re gonna put a handful of CHIPS on the hoagie to make the hoagie crunchy in the mouth when I chew the hoagie! I hereby also VETO… the rice cakes that Michelle said were healthier… than the hoagie! Here we go! [ he tosses the rice cakes over his shoulder and lifts the hoagie to his mouth ]

[ suddenly, Michell Obama enters ]

Michelle Obama: Hi, Barack! My meeting was cancelled and — [ she gasps at the sight of him with the hoagie ]

President Barack Obama: [ stunned ] She’s home!! My beautiful wife… is hooooome! Agent Connerss, you were supposed to TELL me when my wife was on the way!

Michelle Obama: Ba-rack O-ba-ma! Is that a hoagie?! Foods like that lead to obesity! And you know you are to never, never, never, never, nev-er eat them!

President Barack Obama: [ desperately ] I know! I just found it here! I think one of the chillll-dren must have made it!

[ Joe Jamal-Biden enters from the kitchen, grinning like a jackass ]

Joe Jamal-Biden: Hey, Barack! Michelle! Hey, before you say NO… there’s a new dance club that my friend COCKROACH and I just want to go to!

President Barack Obama: Joe, Joe! I need you to sit down-ownnn, young man!

Joe Jamal-Biden: Oh? Okay, sure. Yeah, why not?

President Barack Obama: SIT down!

Joe Jamal-Biden: Alright! [ he sits between them ]

President Barack Obama: Now… HOW many times have I told you NOT to leave the hoagies laying around, and now you’re hee-errrre?! You need to take your HOAGIE… if you want to go to the dance club, because… it’s your hoagie!

[ Biden looks around the room like an idiot for a few moments ]

Joe Jamal-Biden: Oh, RIGHT!! [ he grabs the hoagie ] Yeah, this is, uh… this is MY hoagie!! I made it, uh… [ wheels turning ] right when you said I could borrow the CAR tonight!

[ President Obama reluctantly hands over the keys to his car ]

Joe Jamal-Biden: Ha ha! Alright!!

[ Biden takes the hoagie and leaves for the dance club ]

Michelle Obama: Barack… have a rice cake, baby.

President Barack Obama: Alright… [ he reaches for the missing rice cakes ]

Michelle Obama: They’re good for you. [ she reaches below the coffee table ] I’ll eat the one off the floor.

President Barack Obama: [ he laughs ] I’ll tell you what’s good for me… is having a rice cake… with such a beautiful woman.

Michelle Obama: Oh!

[ the audience ohs, as we cut to the show logo ]

Announcer: “The Obama Show”. Thursday nights at 8 p.m. And tune in next week, when Secretary of State Hillary Clinton drops by.

[ dissolve to Biden, Michelle and Agent Conners standing, back turned, to the staircase. as President Obama steps down while lip-synching Ray Charles’ “Night Time Is the Right Time” ]

[ he approaches Hillary Clinton, who lip-synchs “Baby!” from the chorus ]

[ cut to exterior, White House ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 15

11o: Maya Rudolph / Sleigh Bells

Goodnights

…..Maya Rudolph

Maya Rudolph: Thanks to Sleigh Bells, Paul Simon… my little one, Amy Poehler… Justin Timberlake, Bill O’Reilly, Kate Upton. I love this building… my incredibly talented, beautiful friends! I love you, Lorne! Jenna! Tom! Dale…! Oh, my God, I love this place!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 15

11o: Maya Rudolph / Sleigh Bells

How’s He Doing?

Host…..Kenan Thompson
Ronny Williams…..Jay Pharoah
Althea Davis…..Maya Rudolph

[ open on talk show panel ]

Host: Welcome to “How’s He Doing?” THe show where the Black voter takes a look at President Obama and asks: “How’s he doing?” Let’s start with a look at how the President is polling. Some good news for the President, as an uptake in the economy has boosted his approval rating to 50% amongst all voters. But some disappointing news, as his approval with black voters is down… all the way to 99.2%. Now, are black voters disillusioned, or just upset because it’s Winter? To hep us answer the question “Should the President be worried about the Black voter?”, we turn to our non-partisan panel. Ronny Williams is a writer for Ebony Magazine…

Ronny Williams: What up!

Host: And Althea Davis a History professor at Howard University.

Althea Davis: [ pumping fist ] Yes, we can!

Host: Alright! Alright! So President Obama, he promised a lot in his campaign, and we have to admit he has not delivered on all of them.

Ronny Williams: That’s true.

Althea Davis: He did, indeed.

Host: Unemployment is high and the income-gap is as large as it’s ever been in our nation’s history.

Althea Davis: Unacceptable!

Ronny Williams: True… true…

Host: So the question is: “Would you consider voting for Mitt Romney or Rick Santorum?”

[ they all laugh uproariously at the thought ]

Ronny Williams: I mean… can you imagine voting for Rick Santorum? The only way someone in a sweater-vest is getting my vote… is if their names are Bell, Biv, or Devo!

Althea Davis: And I do NOT like Mitt Romney. He looks like, at any moment, he might try to hand you a tip.

Host: Which brings us to this week’s “What Would It Take???”, where we ask: “What would it take for Barack Obama to lose your vote?” [ grabs stack of cards and reads ] “Would President Obama lose your vote… if he repealed healthcare?”

Ronny Williams: [ shaking head ] Nope.

Althea Davis: I would just wear a warmer coat.

Host: “Would he lose your vote if he raised taxes on the Middle Class?”

Ronny Williams: We all gotta pitch in!

Althea Davis: I frequently use our public roads AND facilities.

Host: “Would President Obama lose your vote if he was caught cheating on Michelle?”

Ronny Williams: Nope! Ain’t my business!

Althea Davis: It depends on who he’s cheating with.

Host: Jennifer Hudson.

Althea Davis: [ she shrugs ] I’m okay with that.

Host: Jennifer Lopez.

Althea Davis: You can’t blame a man.

Host: Kim Kardashian.

Althea Davis: He ain’t Super Man. He’s just a president.

Host: Oprah!

Althea Davis: I’d get with Oprah.

Host: [ stealthily ] Ke$ha!

Althea Davis: Ke$ha?! No sir! I would be very upset if Barack was with that busted-up white girl! Now… is this just a one-time thing?

Host: No, no, no — he is in love… with Ke$ha.

Althea Davis: [ shaking her head ] Mmm-mmm! I do not like it, but I am okay with it as long as he does’nt move in with her.

Host: He moves in and they have a joint bank account.

Althea Davis: Oooooh, no! No, no, no! [ she shakes her head ]

Host: Does he still have your vote?

Althea Davis: [ a beat ] He does.

Host: Moving on! Alright… “President Obama does an in-studio appearance on Hot 97. On his way out of the studio, he witnesses a fight that ends in gunfire…”

Ronny Williams: [ he shrugs ] It happens.

Host: But, hold on now. “The cops ask Obama who started it, and… he tells them.”

Ronny Williams: [ confused ] So he was snitching?!

Host: He was SNITCHING!

Ronny Williams: Ohhhh, my lord, Barack! What you DOING?!

Host: Wait, wait. I’m not even done. “Mitt Romney also sees the fight… don’t say nothin’.”

Ronny Williams: You know, I respect that — I do. But I can’t vote for Mitt Romney. He looks like the bad guy in every blaxploitation movie.

Althea Davis: I see him, and I’m like, “Look out, Dolemite!”

Ronny Williams: Barack’s still got my vote.

Host: Alright. Okay. Okay. Alright. “President Obama shuts down the Apollo!”

Ronny Williams: Must be renovating.

Althea Davis: They need to redo those floors.

Host: Very well! Next one! “After a thorough investigation, President Obama is arrested for the 1996 shooting of Tupac Shakur! Does he lose your vote?”

[ the panel gives this some serious thought ]

Ronny Williams: Look — it pains me to say this, it really does… but it’s a well-known fact that Tupac had a mouth on him.

Althea Davis: He had a temper, no question.

Host: Okay! And, finally, as always, we end with reminisces about the night Obama was elected.

[ “The Night Obama Was Elected” card appears ]

Ronny Williams: Mmm!

Althea Davis: Whooooo! My lord!

Host: You remember it? Even WHITE people celebrated! I saw ’em! Hugging each other and drinking champagne!

Ronny Williams: You know what I did? I went outside and breakdanced for three days straight!

Host: I kissed a police dog in the mouth!

Althea Davis: I had an open house for a week. I wasn’t selling my house — I just kept it open! People could just come and go as they pleased, I just stood in the middle of the living room like this: [ she stretches her arms out ]

Host: Alright, well, we’ll take a quick break. When we come back: Who do YOU think killed Nicole Brown Simpson? [ he gives an ominous look ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 15

11o: Maya Rudolph / Sleigh Bells

At Home with Beyonce and Jay-Z

Jay-Z…..Jay Pharoah
Beyonce Knowles…..Maya Rudolph
Butler…..Andy Samberg
Prince…..Fred Armisen
LL Cool J…..Kenan Thompson
Nicki Minaj…..Nasim Pedrad
Angelina Jolie…..Abby Elliott
Brad Pitt…..Taran Killam
Taylor Swift…..Kristen Wiig
Justin Vernon…..Justin Timberlake

[Exterior shot of Beyoncé and Jay’s mansion]

[Beyoncé rocks the baby and Jay stands next to her]

Jay-Z: Ha-ha-ha-ha, shyeah! I can’t believe it! The two most beautiful women in the world in one room: my wife Beyoncé and my little baby girl. [Beyoncé puts Blue Ivy in her crib] Blue Ivy, Hova Junior, ha-ha-ha YUP!

Beyoncé: Look at her, Jay, sleepin’ peacefully in her crib. It’s lined with one of Diana Ross’ finest wigs. [doorbell rings] Oh no! Our friends are coming to see the baby and I am such a mess. I’m only wearing this. [she whips off her kimono to reveal a stunning, sparkly silver dress]

White Butler: [entering] Excuse me, Prince is here to see you.

Beyoncé: Thank you, White Butler. You may show him in.

White Butler: Actually, he’d prefer to enter from the kitchen.

[an organ plays as Prince enters dramatically from the kitchen door in a cloud of fog and saunters over to the crib]

Beyoncé: Pronce, thank you so much for coming.

Prince: All my love and congratulations. [he whispers in Beyoncé’s ear]

Beyoncé: Baby Blue Ivy, Uncle Pronce has brought you a present. He is going to whisper it in my ear. [he does] Baby, your present is a smirk.

Prince: [does a weird half-smile] Happy birthday. [he disappears behind the bassinet]

[doorbell rings]

White Butler: [entering] LL Cool J is also here to pay his respects.

[LL Cool J enters in a tux and a hat]

LL Cool J: Beyoncé and Jay, such an honor to be present on such a special occasion. You can tell it’s special because I’m wearing my formal Kangol. So why don’t you tell me about the birth?

Beyoncé: [as piano music starts playing] It was perfect, LL. We were in the hospital, just me, my husband Jay, and Kanye. First my water broke, and I was like [singing note] Hahhhh… And then I went into labor, and I was like [musically] AY! AY! AY! And then the baby came out, and I was like [in a belting crescendo] OHHHHH–ooh! And asked my doctor… [to the tune of “If I Were A Boy”] “did I have a boy?” And he said “no, you had a single lady.”

Jay-Z: Yo, yeah, make yourself at home, LL. Y’know, there’s drinks in the kitchen: beer, wine, and soda! [laughs]

[doorbell rings]

White Butler: [entering] Nicki Minaj has arrived.

[Nicki enters in a blue tutu dress, a pink wig, angel wings, gloves and a strange cage around her head]

Nicki Minaj: Oh, hi, you guys!

Beyoncé: Hey, Nicki. We heard you wrote us a lullaby.

Nicki Minaj: Mmm, that’s right. This is from me to you, Blue. [an innocent-sounding twinkly song begins and Nicki dances as she sings] Hush little baby, don’t say a word, ’cause Mama’s gonna buy you a NIGHTMARE! [suddenly terrifying] ‘Cause there’s a DEMON, DEMON, DEMON near you, and Mama can’t help you now, baby Blue! [she strikes a scary pose]

Beyoncé: Nicki, please, you’re scarin’ him.

Nicki Minaj: Him? I thought Blue was a girl!

Beyoncé: No, I meant Prince. [pan over to show Prince crouching behind the crib, wide-eyed with fear]

[doorbell rings]

White Butler: [entering] Excuse me, Brad and Angelina are here as well. They…let themselves in.

[Brad and Angelina are standing by the kitchen]

Angelina Jolie: Hello, sweet peas.

Brad Pitt: It’s great to be here–very great. Dahh!

Angelina Jolie: My baby-sense was tingling, I felt the presence of a new baby in the world and I had to come see her. [she picks up Blue Ivy] She’s so beautiful. And so multi-cultural.

Brad Pitt: Honey, we’ve got six already! Bah.

Angelina Jolie: You’re right. Anyway, we just wanted to wish you the best. [she starts to leave, still holding the baby]

Beyoncé: Hey–uh, uh, Angelina? You still have my baby.

Angelina Jolie: Oh, right. My mistake. [she puts her back]

Brad Pitt: Sorry about that–tell your daughter to call our daughter when she’s older, we’ll make a SUPER-baby! DAHH! Bye. [they leave]

[doorbell rings]

White Butler: [entering] Now Taylor Swift is here.

[Taylor Swift enters, covering her mouth in excitement and looking awed]

Beyoncé: Taylor, we are so honored to have you in our home.

[Taylor points at the baby in wordless glee]

Jay-Z: Yeah, um…Taylor? Um…

[Taylor walks slowly away, still looking excited, and they look after her, confused]

Jay-Z: Wow, she was surprised. [laughs]

[doorbell rings]

White Butler: [entering] And we have one last guest. Bon Iver.

[Bon Iver enters in a tweed jacket holding a guitar]

Bon Iver: [looking bored] Sorry I’m late…uh…whatever. Uh…I was just wandering barefoot in the woods of Wisconsin, and I fashioned this guitar out of a canoe, and I wrote a song for your baby.

Beyoncé: But Bon Iver, we were just about to put our baby to sleep.

Bon Iver: Trust me, this’ll help. [he begins playing the guitar and singing in a falsetto voice] Somewhere a baby falls asleep, it’s Blue Ivy…her parents are Beyoncé and Jay-Z… [incoherently] baaaaabylavolverthereiswheelgravy…

Beyoncé: What is he saying?

Bon Iver: [singing] Chugglewuggledonbeamuggle…

Jay-Z: Did he just say “don’t be a Muggle”?!

Beyoncé: I don’t know, but White Butler’s really into it.

[White Butler is jamming along to the music over by the door. Bon Iver’s singing trails off into nothing and he closes his eyes]

Beyoncé: Oh no! Bon Iver put himself to sleep! [he sleeps standing up with his mouth open, still idly strumming the guitar]

Jay-Z: OK, um, let’s just put him in the guest bedroom.

Beyoncé: OK. Sleep tight, Bon Iver. [Jay and White Butler carry Bon Iver out of the room]

Submitted by: Rose Esposito

SNL Transcripts