Category:

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 15


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:













Bit Players:


February 18th, 2012

Maya Rudolph

Sleigh Bells

None

Lorne Michaels

Paul Simon

Phil Hyms

Amy Poehler

Justin Timberlake

Bill O’Reilly

Kate Upton

None

New York Sports NowSummary: Dan Mardell (Bill Hader) and fellow sportscasters (Kenan Thompson, Jay Pharaoh) all have Lin-sanity for Jeremy Lin, but Joe Dickson (Taran Killam) inadvertently makes racist jokes in his desperate attempts to fit in with his co-anchors.

Transcript

Montage

Maya Rudolph’s MonologueSummary: Maya Rudolph sings “Do You Wanna Funk” in regards to how much booty she got while she was a cast member.

Recurring Characters: Stefon.

Bronx Beat with Betty & JodiSummary: Betty Caruso (Amy Poehler) and Jodi Deitz (Maya Rudolph) chatter with their show’s goofball boom mike operator (Justin Timberlake) and camera guy (Andy Samberg).

Recurring Characters: Betty Caruso, Jodi Deitz.

Maya Angelou’s: I Know Why the Caged Bird Laughs!Summary: Maya Angelou (Maya Rudolph) pulls childish pranks on celebrity friends Morgan Freeman (Jay Pharoah), Dr. Cornel West (Kenan Thompson) and Stephen King (Bill Hader).

Recurring Characters: Maya Angelou, Morgan Freeman, Stephen King.

At Home with Beyonce and Jay-ZSummary: Beyonce (Maya Rudolph) and Jay-Z (Jay Pharoah) welcome celebrity guests to their home to meet new daughter Blue Ivy.

Recurring Characters: Beyonce Knowles, Jay-Z, Prince, Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt, Taylor Swift.

Transcript

Sleigh Bells perform “Comeback Kid”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Seth Meyers and Amy Poehler ask “Really!?!” in regards to the Congressional birth control mandate debate that didn’t include any women.

Transcript

What Up With That?Summary: Diondre Cole (Kenan Thompson) interrupts guests Bill O’Reilly and Lindsey Buckingham (Bill Hader) during the President’s Day Special so he can continue singing his theme song.

Recurring Characters: Diondre Cole, Lindsey Buckingham.

Super ShowcaseSummary: Game show contestant (Vanessa Bayer) loses out on a showcase, so wacky-voiced starlets Vonda (Kristen Wiig) and Shonda (Maya Rudolph) show her all the prizes she didn’t win.

The Obama ShowSummary: Michelle Obama’s (Maya Rudolph) obesity stance is presented as a “Cosby Show” spoof that finds President Barack Obama (Fred Armisen) trying to sneak a hoagie behind the First-Lady’s back.

Recurring Characters: President Barack Obama, Michelle Obama, Joe Biden, Hillary Clinton.

Transcript

Sleigh Bells perform “End of the Line”

How’s He Doing?Summary: Black panelists (Jay Pharoah, Maya Rudolph) are willing to re-elect President Barack Obama no matter what offbeat scenarios are presented by the show’s host (Kenan Thompson).

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

The VoiceSummary: During her audition, a contestant (Maya Rudolph) performs in many different voices and punches one of the judges for not choosing her.

Recurring Characters: Cee-Lo Green, Christina Aguilera.

AttorneysSummary: Oversexed female attorneys (Maya Rudolph, Fred Armisen) try to seduce their make clients (Bobby Moynihan, Andy Samberg, Kenan Thompson, Jason Sudeikis).

Enchanted ForestSummary: While in the forest, Paul Giamatti (Andy Samberg) tries to engage plants and animals in conversation.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 14

11n: Zooey Deschanel / Karmin

Verizon

Customer…..Fred Armisen
Salesman…..Bill Hader

Customer: Hi! You know I’ve been hearing a lot about Verizon’s new 4G LTE.

Salesman: You should be. It’s Verizon’s fastest, most reliable 4G network. With 4G LTE, you’ll get speeds up to 10 times faster than 3G.

Customer: So what does that mean?

Salesman: Well, let’s say you’ve got the new HTC Thunderbolt, or even the LG Vortex, you can hook up your HTC or your LG to your 4G LTE and you’ll have Verizon’s LTE in over 190 cities and 118 airports.

Customer: So it’s faster?

Salesman: Well, let’s say you’ve got the new Droid RAZR by Motorola, or the HTC Rezound, or even the Samsung Galaxy Nexus, you’re talking 4G LTE on almost our entire 3G footprint. One song, four seconds.

Customer: The song is 4 seconds?

Salesman: One movie, one hour.

Customer: Download?

Salesman: A 10 megabyte PowerPoint presentation in 15 seconds.

Customer: I really don’t know what that means.

Salesman: Are you a small business owner?

Customer: No, I live off a settlement.

Salesman: You’re a Native American.

Customer: Not on a settlement, off a settlement. I got hit by a city bus.

Salesman: Got it. Well, let’s say you were starting a small business owner and you wanted to run the entire business from your smartphone.

Customer: Well, I wouldn’t want to do that.

Salesman: Like your Droid RAZR by Motorola, or HTC Rezound, or even the Samsung Galaxy Nexus.

Customer: That sounds terrible.

Salesman: Here’s a 3G network (holding up a glass of orange juice).

Customer: What?

Salesman: Put it this way. If you want to have 4G LTE, then you have to buy a Droid Bionic, or a Samsung Stratosphere, or a Pantech Breakout, or a Compaq Mini Netbook, or the Droid Xyboard tablet.

Customer: And, what if I drop it in the toilet?

Salesman: It breaks immediately.

Customer: Thanks.

Announcer: Verizon. It’s an old person’s nightmare.

Submitted by: Raul

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 14


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11n: Zooey Deschanel / Karmin

Weekend Update with Seth Meyers

…..Seth Meyers
Arianna Huffington…..Nasim Pedrad
Nicolas Cage…..Andy Samberg
Nicolas Cage’s Clone…..Nicolas Cage

Announcer: “Weekend update” with Seth Meyers.

Seth Meyers: Good evening, I’m Seth Meyers! and here are tonight’s top stories!

During Mitt Romney’s speech following Tuesday’s caucuses, he attempted to highlight his family’s humble roots by emphasizing that his father was a carpenter. In fact, I believe Romney’s father actually built Mitt in his woodshop.

Rick Santorum is hoping his three wins in the Republican primaries on Tuesday will position him as the conservative alternative to Mitt Romney. And I think that’s reflected in his new campaign slogan: “The Other White Meat”.

Rick Santorum, on Friday, said he is concerned about the Pentagon’s new policy allowing women closer to front line combat, noting that men would “have emotions” seeing a woman in harm’s way. Which I have to say is a compelling case against having men in the military.

Republican lawmakers, this week, vowed to repeal a new health care rule from President Obama that requires religious institutions to offer birth control for employees, saying that it violates religious freedom. Troubling news for women who are Catholic, but not, you know, Catholic Catholic.

President Obama, on Tuesday, called New York Giants coach Tom Coughlin to congratulate him and the team for winning the Super Bowl. He tried to phone the Patriots, too, but the call was dropped.

Seth Meyers: Between the controversies surrounding Planned Parenthood and J.C. Penney’s decision to keep Ellen Degeneres as its spokeswoman, it’s been a big couple of weeks for women’s issues. Here to comment on women’s news, is Huffington Post Editor Arianna Huffington.

Arianna Huffington: Hello, Seth, hello!

Seth Meyers: Hi.

Arianna Huffington: Hello!

Seth Meyers: Good to see you, Arianna. Thanks for being here.

Arianna Huffington: Oh, could you be serious? I mean, what else would I be doing, Sexy Boy? I love to be on media things!

Seth Meyers: Great! So, Arianna, let’s talk about some of the big women’s issues. Ellen had a big victory this week, when J.C. Penney announced they wouldn’t give in to the conservative women’s group One Million Moms.

Arianna Huffington: I know, Seth! the whole thing was completely ridiculous! I bet you that One Million Moms doesn’t even have ,i>one million moms! It is just like when I went to the 10,000 Maniacs concert… and, instead, five normal people walked out on a stage! It was completely nutty!

Seth Meyers: Yeah… no. That makes sense. Uh — overall, a big week for gay rights, too.

Arianna Huffington: Oh, absolutely, Seth, Cutie-Pie. You know… Prop 8 was overturned in California, Washington State is going to allow gay marriage, and “Smash” premiered on NBC… which is like ten gay weddings in one hour. It’s completely coconuts! You know, the New York times has great coverage of this, Seth, and you can read all of it on the Huffington Post. Because we copied it and we pasted it.

Seth Meyers: That’s fine. But it wasn’t all good news for liberals, Arianna. The White House had to compromise on contraceptive rights after U.S. bishops became angry.

Arianna Huffington: Oh, Seth, pussycat! Why are we even talking about angry bishops? Who cares? It’s 2012! I mean, listen — even the name “angry bishops” sounds like a… I don’t know, a turn-of-the-century sex toy.

Seth Meyers: I hadn’t thought of it like that, but now… that’s the only way I’ll think of it! It sounds like you think it’s a good time for Democrats right now.

Arianna Huffington: Oh, absolutely! Obama is KILLING it! I mean, did you see him singing the Al Green? [ singing ] “I am… so in love with you…” Come on!

Seth Meyers: Oh, yeah. That was way worse than what he did!

Arianna Huffington: In a sexy way!

Seth Meyers: Oh, alright! But speaking of sex — and presidents — a woman came forth this week and said she had an affair with John F. Kennedy when she was 19.

Arianna Huffington: Ugh! I was like, “Could you be serious?” JFK affairs are like Tupac Shakur songs — they keep dropping even AFTER he is dead!

Seth Meyers: Yeah! Finally, Arianna, let’s talk about what Rick Santorum said yesterday, concerning women in combat. Namely, that women are in danger because men will react too emotionally with them in harm’s way.

Arianna Huffington: Oh, if Rick Santorum doesn’t like men worrying about women, then he should quit the race and endorse Newt Gingrich. When Newt sees a woman’s life in danger, he abandons her as fast as his FAT feet can carry him!

Seth Meyers: Arianna Huffington!

Arianna Huffington: Thank you, Bill Mahar!

Seth Meyers: NBC’s highly promoted new series, “Smash”, won its time slot Monday night, beating out CBS’s “Hawaii Five-O”. So get ready for two new NBC series: “Smash: Criminal Intent” and “Smash: SVU”. Bong-bong!

A Florida judge, this week, ordered a man who had a fight with his wife to take her out to dinner at Red Lobster. Red Lobster: Where people are sentenced to dinner.

Shippensburg University in Pennsylvania has installed a vending machine on campus that sells the Plan B morning after pill. Meanwhile, over at Arizona State, they’re just mixing it into the drinking water.

For Valentine’s Day, Pizza Hut is offering a $10,000 Engagement Package, which includes limo service, a ruby engagement ring, a $10 dollar dinner box and, hopefully, $9,700 in cash.

High schools in Southern California have been plagued the past few months by a series of robberies in which thieves only take tubas from music departments. In a related story, people in Southern California have apparently figured out how to smoke weed out of tubas.

Seth Meyers: And now it’s time for “Get in the Cage!”, our flagship segment in which film star Nicolas Cage sits down with a fellow actor to discuss the craft of future projects. So please join me in welcoming Nicolas Cage and… Nicolas Cage?

[ Nicolas Cage and a clone of Nicolas Cage slide up to the desk together ]

Nicolas Cage: Well, good evening, Nick. You’re looking very well tonight.

Nicolas Cage’s Clone: Oh, that’s very kind of you, Nick! You look great, too.

Seth Meyers: Guys, I’m gonna jump in here — how is this possible? I’m looking at two identical… Nic Cages.

Nicolas Cage: Well, Seth, I can explain if you’ll just… CALM DOWN!!!

Seth Meyers: Go on.

Nicolas Cage: Okay, as everyone knows… my dream as an actor is to appear in every film ever released. However, ’til now, I’ve only been able to muster a measly 90%, bringing shame upon my dojo.

Seth Meyers: Sure. Of course.

Nicolas Cage: But, fortunately, today science has prevailed. And I’m proud to announce that my cloning experiment has FINALLY come to fruition.

Seth Meyers: I’m sorry? Cloning experiment?

Nicolas Cage’s Clone: Well, that’s exactly right, Seth. I am his clone.

Seth Meyers: Oh. Well, that does makes sense, ’cause you two are IDENTICAL… in every way.

Nicolas Cage: Not in every way, Seth.

Nicolas Cage’s Clone: Well, while, physically, we are exactly the same, there are some slight differences, personality wise.

Nicolas Cage: Yes. For example: This Nic… is calm and stealthy, like a ninja warrior.

Nicolas Cage’s Clone: Whereas this Nick is an exaggerated, screaming psychopath… who just doesn’t exist.

Nicolas Cage: That’s high praise!

Seth Meyers: I just need to get this straight. So only one of you is currently starring in “Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance”, which opens this coming Friday.

Nicolas Cage: That’s right, Seth. And it is not to be missed. For it has the two key qualities of a classic Nic Cage action film. Number one:

Nicolas Cage’s Clone: All the dialogue is either whispered or screamed.

Nicolas Cage: And, of course, Number Two:

Nicolas Cage’s Clone: Everything in the movie is on fire.

Seth Meyers: Right. I have to say, it sounds great.

Nicolas Cage: HEY, YOU MIND YOUR MANNERS, HAIR GEL!!

Nicolas Cage’s Clone: Ah, now… let’s just calm down, Nic. Let’s do our self-esteem exercises where we pay each other compliments.

Nicolas Cage: Alright, very well, I’ll begin. Nic… I love your charisma.

Nicolas Cage’s Clone: And, Nic… I love your lion’s heart.

Nicolas Cage: Nic… I love your sense of humor, dry and marble like a quality beefsteak. No A1 sauce required for this jester, for the tangy flavor rises from within. Also… I love your scent, musky and masculine, like that of a silverback gorilla in a form-fitting leather jacket.

Nicolas Cage’s Clone: [ thinking it over ] That’s high praise!

[ the audience cheers and applauds wildly ]

Seth Meyers: It’s just GREAT how much you guys support each other.

Nicolas Cage: Well, it’s easy to support a man with the rugged, smoky features of a cunning cigar store Indian… and eyes that sparkle and pierce the hearts of women, both old and middle-aged alike. And that… is the true meaning of Black History Month.

Nicolas Cage’s Clone: I… I… just don’t know what you mean by that, Nic.

Seth Meyers: Yeah.

Nicolas Cage: Nevertheless! The time has for us to ride on to our next adventure.

Seth Meyers: And what is that?

Nicolas Cage’s Clone: [ he claps his hands together ] We’re going to have a three-way with the Declaration of Independence.

[ the audience cheers and applauds wildly ]

Seth Meyers: Nic Cage and Nic Cage, everyone! For Weekend Update, I’m Seth Meyers! I love the Cage!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 14

11n: Zooey Deschanel / Karmin

Romney: Believe in America

Mitt Romney…..Jason Sudeikis

[ open on “Romney: Believe in America” card ]

Mitt Romney V/O: I’m Mitt Romney, and I approved this message.

[ dissolve to Mitt Romney standing in his den, with dog Bear sitting on the carpet ]

Mitt Romney: Hello. Hello, I’m Mitt Romney. You’ve just caught me in my den, where I’m relaxing and not appearing ill at ease. Say, did everyone see that Super Bowl last Sunday? Wasn’t that a humdinger? As a regular person who’s just like you in every way, I enjoyed it a great deal. And I thought the players from the respected football teams each gave it their all. It’s a shame my beloved Patriots had to lose, though — unless you were rooting for the Giants, in which case… [ he shakes his head ] I didn’t just say that!

Anyway, tonight I’d like to take a few minutes to talk about my presidential campaign and let you know how we’re doing as we proceed to our inevitable nomination. This past Tuesday, we had three primary elections in Minnesota. Colarado and Missouri. As you can imagine, coming off our HUGE win last week in Florida, our biggest fear in this race was that we might peak too soon. And that’s why Tuesday’s results couldn’t have pleased us more. Here’s Minnesota:

[ reveal chart with Romney in third place ]

[ chuckling ] You’ve gotta like THAT if you’re on Team Romney! JUST what we were hoping for and nowhere near peaking too soon. I guess the big headline here, though, is the poor performance of Newt Gingrich: [ chart highlights 10.8% ] Ouch! [ he chuckles ] He really ought to think about getting out of this race.

Now, the primary in Colorado was a close call. Late polls suggested that we might be in danger of winning there, which would have upset out carefully crafted strategy of staying below the radar. But, luckily, things worked out just fine!

[ reveal chart with Romney in second place ]

Ah, let me tell you something: I’ll take these numbers ANY day! But, once again, you have to wonder just what Newt is trying to accomplish by staying in this race. [ chart highlights 12.8% with “Uh-Oh!” arrow ] At this point, it’s just getting sad. Figure it out, Newt! People just don’t connect with you as a person. Fortunately, that’s not a problem I have. “Point thumb at self.” [ he points his thumb at himself ]

But of Tuesday’s three primaries, our campaign’s best performance HAD to be in Missouri. It’s an important state — a swing state — and we NAILED it!

[ reveal chart with Romney in second place ]

I was very, very gratified by our vote here — not too big, not too small, just right down the middle — perfect! And, guess which candidate didn’t even win one single vote? That’s right — a certain former House Speaker named Newt Gingrich.

[ reveal photo of Gingrich with “0 Votes in Missouri” SUPER over sad trombone sound effect ]

[ chuckling ] Oh, that’s gotta hurt! [ jhe looks offscreen ] What’s that? Oh, he wasn’t on the ballot in Missouri? Well, exactly! Like I said! [ he chuckles ] But there is one thing about this Missouri primary I should point out: According to the rules, the winner doesn’t get any delegates. So it’s really pretty meaningless, which is why we spent only $40 million there!

Now, I did see a pundit on one of the cable news shows, who had this theory that Rick Santorum was the big winner last Tuesday. And I suppose you could make that argument — in the sense that he did get the most votes in each of the primaries held that day. But I’ll tell you this: I sure wouldn’t want to be Rick Santorum right now, with all that pressure and the expectations and, uh, the tension and so on… being more popular with the party’s base than the other candidates, et cetera. No thanks. [ he laugh ] Bear knows what I’m talking about! [ his dog gets up ] Hey, Bear! Isn’t that right, Bear? [ he sits ] Here, boy!

[ the dog begins to bark ferociously at Romney ]

He does that with me! [ he laughs ] Good dog! [ the dog inches closer, then backs up ] Oh, good dog! Easy! Easy! You gotta please stop barking, Bear. Come on, help me here, buddy. Bear, I’m not kidding you. You want to go back on that roof? Do you? Okay… okay, well, uh… well, this could go on for a while… [ the dog goes behind Romney’s chair ] Oh, it may have stopped… [ the dog starts barking again ] Oh, it’s back! It’s back! Okay.

Well, uh, thank you for your attention. May God bless America… and “Live from New York –” Oh, you’re killing me, Bear! I gotta get this last one out! “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!” You ruined it, Bear.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 14

11n: Zooey Deschanel / Karmin

Bein’ Quirky with Zooey Deschanel

Zooey Deschanel…..Abby Elliott
Michael Cera…..Taran Killam
Mary-Kate Olsen…..Zooey Deschanel
Announcer/Bjork…..Kristen Wiig

[ FADE IN: ]

[ ALL GREEN STUDIO ]

[ ZOOEY DESCHANEL holds various life-size paper doll dresses. ]

Zooey Deschanel: [singing]
“They are short girls
And tall girls
Big girls & small girls
But the best girl is a quirky one!”

[ Zooey makes a catfight call. ]

[ INT. KITCHEN – DAY ]

[ GRAPHIC: “Bein’ Quirky with Zooey Deschanel” ]

[ Zooey, in a vintage red dress, is seated at a table. ]

Announcer: It’s “Bein’ Quirky with Zooey Deschanel!” And here’s your host, Zooey Deschanel!

Zooey Deschanel: Hey, girl! I’m Zooey Deschanel and my soul was born in 1901! Welcome to “Bein’ Quirky” — the show that celebrates the quirky lifestyle of vintage clothes, and…

[ Zooey makes a catfight call. ]

Zooey Deschanel: With me in the kitchen, as always, is my BFF — Michael Cera!

[ MICHAEL CERA is wearing an apron. He’s dressed casually and can’t stop self-chuckling. ]

Michael Cera: Hey, Zooey! The cookies are done.

[ Michael holds high a tray of heart-shaped sugar cookies. ]

Michael Cera: They’re little hearts. They’re cute… Not as cute as you, though…

Zooey Deschanel: I MEAN… Joining me for some tips on how to quirkify your life; please welcome, my BFF — Mary Kate Olsen!

[ MARY-KATE OLSEN saunters in. Adorned in Audrey Hepburn sunglasses and a large, gold shawl, she holds tight to her Starbucks Venti-sized cup and takes a seat. ]

Mary-Kate Olsen: Hey, Zooey! I haven’t seen you since we both tried to pick the same wildflower.

Zooey Deschanel: RIGHT… Thanks for coming, M-K!

Mary-Kate Olsen: Mmmm, no problem. I happened to catch a slight breeze that brought me here.

Zooey Deschanel: Well, I love your dress! What thrift store is it from?

Mary-Kate Olsen: Oh, this isn’t a dress. It’s an electric blanket. I’m freezing… all the time. But I did find it in the garbage. Which brings me to my first tip — it’s not garbage if it’s new to you.

Zooey Deschanel: That’s right!

[ Zooey breaks the fourth wall and plays the ukulele. ]

Zooey Deschanel: [singing]
“Garbage! Garbage!
It’s fun to bring home garbage!”

[ Zooey pulls out a lamp/watering can from under the table. ]

Zooey Deschanel: And we have some examples — this lamp used to be an antique watering can.

[ Mary-Kate has badminton racquet sans strings around her neck. ]

Mary-Kate Olsen: And if you can believe it, this trendy necklace used to be an old badminton racquet.

Michael Cera: Honestly, I can’t believe it!

Zooey Deschanel: Okay, nows the part of the show where M-K and I make our eyes real big while Mama Cass plays.

[ Zooey stares wide into the CAMERA while “Dream a Little Dream of Me” plays. CAMERA CUTS TO Mary-Kate staring side-to-side and puckering her lips. ]

Zooey Deschanel: Well, that was fun! Wasn’t it?

Michael Cera: Oh my goodness!!! That was maybe the most fun I had in my whole entire life!

Zooey Deschanel: So, Mary-Kate — where you do get your quirkiness from?

Mary-Kate Olsen: That’s actually my next tip, Zooey. You can draw inspirations from past generations.

Zooey Deschanel: RIGHT… For instance, this dress used to belong to my aunt.

Mary-Kate Olsen: And I’ve adopted the posture and gait of my 90 year-old grandmother.

Zooey Deschanel: I MEAN… Great tips! As always, we other these tips in honor of the founder of quirky girls, “Blossom” star Mayim Bialik.

[ Everyone give a séance to a portrait of Mayim Bialik while candles are lit underneath it. ]

Zooey Deschanel: Okay, now’s the part of the show where I pretend I’m falling off something.

[ Zooey pretends to fall off her chair. ]

Zooey Deschanel: Okay, now’s the time for crafts. Today we’re going to have some fun with yarn.

[ Zooey breaks the fourth wall again. ]

Zooey Deschanel: [singing]
“Yarn!”

[ speaking ]

Please help me welcome the quirkiest girl in the entire world — Bjork!

[ BJORK giggles under the door frame to the kitchen and then sits down. ]

Bjork: Hello, Zoe! Greetings, Mary-Kate! Hi, Tiny-Baby Man!

[ Michael comes near the table. ]

Michael Cera: She’s so nice!

Zooey Deschanel: Hey, girl! Thanks for coming!

Mary-Kate Olsen: I would get up and hug you, but I would break every bone in my body.

Zooey Deschanel: Bjork, how do you live such a quirky life?

Bjork: It’s easy. Takes things you like and make them different; if you like swans, make them into a dress. If you like screaming, make it into music. If you like clouds, make them your friends.

Zooey Deschanel: Whoa! Now we’re going to knit while hula music plays. Michael… hit it, girl!

[ Michael plays a vinyl record under the Mayim Bialik portrait. ]

[ MUSIC: HAWAIIAN HULA ]

Michael Cera: It’s like I can smell the ocean.

[ Zooey knits. Mary-Kate knits with her sunglasses on. Bjork knits between her knees. ]

Zooey Deschanel: Done! I made a brand-new vintage sweater!

[ Mary-Kate has her finished product on her Venti cup. ]

Mary-Kate Olsen: I made a cozy for my cup; which it can also use as a sleeping bag.

[ Bjork holds up a sweater with eight arms. ]

Bjork: I made a sweater for an octopus. I left an extra hole for its dreams and its ideas!

[ Bjork giggles. ]

Zooey Deschanel: I MEAN… That’s our show! A special thanks to my BFF, Mary-Kate Olson.

Mary-Kate Olsen: I’m a billionaire.

[ Mary-Kate takes off her sunglasses and stares into the CAMERA. ]

Zooey Deschanel: Join me next week, when my guests will be Chloe Sveigny & a beach ball! ALL RIGHT, EVERYONE! LET’S GO TO THE PHOTO BOOTH!

Michael Cera: Oh heavens!

[ All the girls enter a retro photo booth. Mary-Kate shuts the curtain on Michael as photos flash inside. ]

Zooey Deschanel: [singing off-screen]
“But the best girl is a quirky one!”

Michael Cera: There not enough room in there? Guess it’s a girl thing…

[ GRAPHIC: “Bein’ Quirky with Zooey Deschanel” ]

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 14

11n: Zooey Deschanel / Karmin

Zooey Deschanel’s Monologue

…..Zooey Deschanel

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Zooey Deschanel!

Zooey Deschanel: Thank you! Thank you so much! It is SO great to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live”! Now, as you may have noticed… I am wearing a dress with little hearts on it. And even though I do this a lot, it’s for a special reason: Valentine’s Day is coming up! So if it’s okay with you, I wanted to sing a little Valentine’s song, what do you say?

[ the audience cheers, as an old-time microphone is propped before her and she’s handed her ukelele ]

This song’s for all the ladies out there. It’s about the moment when your fellow comes through the door on Valentine’s Day, and you see that look in his eye — you know the one I mean!

[ a moon drops down behind Descanel, as she begins to sing ]

“It’s February, the day’s fourteen
But from the look on your face
You don’t know what that means.
Don’t even try it, don’t try to deny it
You forgot it was Valentine’s Day.

You tried to scramble and whip something up
But your balloons say “Happy Birthday”
Your card says “Mazel Tav.”
There’s no mistaking, don’t bother faking
You forgot it was Valentine’s Day.

I bought you a sweater
And baked you some cupcakes
And put on some nice lingerie.
You gave me your iPod
And the cash in your pockets
And a USA Today.”

And it wasn’t even from today — it was from an old hotel!

“You said you made plans, but it didn’t seem right
When we went to Olive Garden at 11:15 at night
Your reservation should be in quotations
You forgot about Valentine’s Day.

I know I’m angry
But later, I’ll be fine
You’re just a moron
But at least you’re mine.
And you can bet I’ll never let you forget
When you forgot about Valentine’s Day.”

[ the audience cheers ]

We’ve got a great show for you! Karmin is here, so stick around and we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 14

11n: Zooey Deschanel / Karmin

Goodnights

…..Zooey Deschanel

Zooey Deschanel: Thanks to Karmin! Nicolas Cage! Jean Dujardin! Thank you, everybody! This is the best night of my life!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 14

11n: Zooey Deschanel / Karmin

Daily Post

Johnny…..Jason Sudeikis
Reporter #1…..Bobby Moynihan
Jillian…..Kristen Wiig
Marla…..Zooey Deschanel
Reporter #2…..Taran Killam

[ open on exterior, newspaper building ]

[ SUPER: “Daily Post, 1941 ]

[ dissolve to interior, newspaper office ]

Johnny: [ fast-paced ] Hey, you bums, get to work! Is this a newspaper or a nursery school?! If it’s a nursery, you’re some scary-looking children! I should know — I’ve got two at home! Alright, who’s got the story on the bank robbery downtown?!

Reporter #1: [ fast-paced ] Right here, Boss! Take a gander!

Johnny: Alright, great! [ he grabs the copy ] Alright, RUN with it!

Reporter #1: You mean it?!

Johnny: Yeah — [ he crumples the copy ] All the way to the DUMP BIN! ‘Cause it’s GARBAGE! GARBAGE, I say!

[ Jillian saunters in ]

Jillian: [ fast-paced ] Careful, Johnny, you’re gonna blow your top — and no one wants to see you without a top on!

Johnny: Hmm! Well, well, well, well! Look what the cat dragged in! Scratch that, Jillian! No cat would drag you — they’d have to put their mouth on you!

Jillian: Oh! Why, I oughhta! [ she swings her fist ]

Johnny: Well, you OUGHTTA, but you AREN’T! And you never will! Ah, what are you doing here, Jillian? Yuo walked out of that door FOUR months ago! It was the BEST four months of my life!

Jillian: Gee, Johnny, I’m surprised you lasted four months without me, because you couldn’t last four minutes WITH me!

Johnny: Well, I, I, I shoulda!

Jillian: You shoulda, but you DIDN’T! Johnny, I want my job back! What do you say?!

Johnny: Sorry, Jillian! That position’s filled! Here she is now! [ ?? enters ] Meet my new ace reporter — Marla Sneeds!

Marla: [ low-key ] Hi.

Johnny: Mmm-hmm! Started just this morning, and she’s happy as a clam! Have a seat, Marla! You can show Jillian what REAL reporting is!

Jillian: Well, isn’t this just swell?! I quit four months ago, and Marla starts just today? Quite a gestation period! What are you, my dear — a baby pacyderm? Well?!

Marla: [ laughing ] I’m sorry, you guys… you were talking so fast! I have no idea what anyone was saying! I’m like, “What?!”

Jillian: What is this, a joke?!

Johnny: Ah, don’t pick on Marla, Jillian! She’s just a kid! wet behind the ears!

Jillian: She’s wet, alright! She’s positively DAMP! And I mean that in the best possible sense, dear!

Marla: I’m… sorry. I have NO idea what the hell you just said! Everything you said sounds like… ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da! I don’t know, is it me?!

Johnny: [ chuckling ] Alright, Marla. Just get back to work.

Jillian: Oh, come on, Johnny! You can’t be serious with this one! Don’t you want someone with a little more experience, a little pizazz, more pap, someone who knows which end of the goat to look at?!

Johnny: Well, I don’t see any goats here, Jillian — just a nag!

Jillian: Why, I could…! [ she raises her fist ]

Johnny: Yeah, you could, but you WON’T, and you never will!

Marla: Uhhhh… is this a real argument, or this just jibber-jabber?

Jillian: [ she gasps ] This girl’s a maroon! She’s not even maroon — she’s RUST!

Marla: Oh, yeah? Well… [ fast-paced ] “You oughtta put the horse before the cart because the apples are… Hubba-hubba!” [ she shakes her head ] I’m sorry, I can’t do it! I can’t do it, it’s SO hard! [ fast-paced ] “Your mama’s so fat she puts butter in her mouth and she eats it!” [ she laughs ] I can’t… I don’t know! I don’t know.

Johnny: That’s alright, Marla. Why don’t you take a cigarette break?

Jillian: Or a long leap into a hard building!

Marla: That is not necessary. And, you know what? I looked at this paper, and there are so many typos. I think if everybody just kind of slowed down… like take your time with your work. I mean, look at this guy.

[ cut to Reporter #1 typing at a manic, fast pace ]

Marla: Is that gonna make sense? I don’t know!

[ Reporter #2 rushes in ]

Reporter #2: [ fast-paced ] Hey, Boss! We just got a call the orphanage is on fire! We gotta get somebody down there to cover it! What a scoop! TWO scoops! [ he rushes off ]

Marla: [ laughing ] Straight up — is everyone here on cocaine?

Jillian: Oh, come on, Johnny! Do a favor for an old friend! Put me on that orphanage story! I’ll give you a Page One spread, I’m talking Pulitzers by the POUND!

Johnny: You’re not talking to no one! The story belongs to Marla!

Jillian: What?! This girl’s a drip! A wet blanket! She’s got a poundcake for brains!

Marla: Oh, yeah, Jillian? Well… [ fast-paced ] “When you were born, the doctor said, ‘Maybe you ought to think about putting that there thing back in… there… if you can…'” [ she stops ] Hey! That was almost a thing! I almost did it! I think I’m gonna fit in here great! Yay!

[ everyone gives her dumb stares ]

Marla: Or not. Whatever. This place is like really toxic.

[ cut to exterior, building ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 14

11n: Zooey Deschanel / Karmin

Clint Eastwood Chrysler Ad III

Clint Eastwood…..Bill Hader

[ open on footage from Clint Eastwood’s Chrysler ad that ran during the Super Bowl ]

[ cut to Clint Eastwood ]

Clint Eastwood: The game is over, America! It ended two hours ago! While you were bitching about my commercial, we lost to Mexico by 30 points! You like that? “Te gusta losing,” numb nuts?! Remember how the Patriots let the Giants score the winning touchdown? We’re doing that with Mexico on every single drive! Just LETTIN’ them in our end zone! Take our jobs, and drive our Chryslers! These Mexicans are like my PANTS: I’ve had them up to HERE!

[ reveal wide shot of Eastwood with his pants up to his neck ]

Clint Eastwood: Anyway… check out the new Trojan vibrating massager! It’ll blow your hair back! [ he turns his head to the side to reveal his hair blown back ] I should know… I’m Batman!

[ cut to movie graphic, with SUPER: “The Dark Knight Rises, Summer 2012” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 14

11n: Zooey Deschanel / Karmin

Clint Eastwood Chrysler Ad II

Clint Eastwood…..Bill Hader

[ open on footage from Clint Eastwood’s Chrysler ad that ran during the Super Bowl ]

Clint Eastwood V/O: The clock’s winding down, America.

[ cut to Clint Eastwood ]

Clint Eastwood: It’s the Fourth Quarter, and there’s no time outs left! How do I know? [ cut to wide shot of Eastwood ] My pants get higher every quarter! If it’s the Fourth Quarter in America… that means it’s OVERTIME in China! And they got a BILLION people on their team! Plus: They own HALF our stadiums! How’d they get so far ahead? Because they WORK HARD! They’re not all sitting at home stroking it to some GoDaddy.com commercial! They’re busy making the jazzies you ride around in at DisneyWorld, ’cause you’re too FAT to walk! Well, good news, America. We got something they don’t: Chryslers! And we’re gonna drive them all over their damn field! Hey, Wang Chung! I hope you like eating tire! ‘Cause if a Chysler hits ya’, it’ll kill ya’! And, again — I don’t care WHO’S driving! Though I know it won’t be Gingrich, ’cause his FAT head won’t even fit in the fucking car!

This is an ad for Chrysler, right? Think again! [ he holds up a pizza box ] It’s for Little Caesars! Pizza pizza!

[ cut to Little Caesars Pizza graphic ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts