Category:

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 10

11j: Jimmy Fallon / Michael Bublé

Locker Room

Tim Tebow…..Taran Killam
Jesus…..Jason Sudeikis
Chris Clark…..Kenan Thompson
Matt Prater…..Andy Samberg
Brian Dawkins…..Jay Pharoah

[ open on final game score footage ]

Sportcaster V/O: Another miracle win for the Denver Broncos, who beat the Chicago Bears by 3 in Overtime. The Broncos have now won 6 in a row behind quarterback Tim Tebow!

[ dissolve to the Broncos applauding Tim Tebow (who is on his knees in prayer) in their locker room ]

Tim Tebow: [ jumping to his feet ] Alright, alright — hey, guys! I want to thank you all for believing in me! I know it started off a little shaky out there, but we pulled it off beause WE STUCK TOGETHER!! [ the team applauds ] And, also, I’ve gotta thank the most important person in my life — my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ! Because I could NOT do this WITHOUT him! Thank you, Jesus!

[ Tebow drops to his knees again, as smoke rises in the hallway, heavenly music pots up, and Jesus enters the locker room ]

Jesus: Hey, everybody!

[ Tebow rises to his feet in awe ]

Tim Tebow: Jesus! He has risen!!

Jesus: No, no, no, no, no… not really, just a quick visit. So, uh — hey, everybody, take a seat! Go ahead, take a seat. Chill out. [ the team sit upon their benches ] Uh, first of all — You’re welcome! Alright? Yes, I, Jesus Christ am indeed the reason you won your past six football games, okay?

Tim Tebow: [ rushing forward with glee ] I knew it!

Jesus: [ backing up ] Whoa, Tim! Easy! Easy! Hey, buddy — leave a little room for the Holy Ghost, okay?

Tim Tebow: [ excited ] Alright!

Jesus: [ to the team ] Here’s the thing, okay? If we’re gonna keep doing this… you guys gotta meet me halfway out there. I mean, let’s face it — it’s not a good week if every week, I, the Son of God, have to come in, drop everything and bail out the Denver Broncos in the Fourth Quarter, okay? I’m a busy guy!

Tim Tebow: So, wait, wait — you’re only helping in the Fourth Quarter?

Jesus: Ah — yeah. Yeah! Have you watched the game films, Tim, of the first half? I mean, come on! 3 for 16? You know, I could throw better, and I’m 2010 years old, huh? [ he laughs and playfully punches Tebow in the gut ]

Tim Tebow: But I pray to you before every game!

Jesus: Yeah, I know, I know. Yeah, and I appreciate that, but, uh, here’s something else you should do before the game, okay? Stretch! You know? Get the arm warm! Read the playbook, alright? Do you read that?

Tim Tebow: [ in all seriousness ] The Holy Bible is my playbook.

Jesus: [ he rolls his eyes ] Oh… great. That’s great… that’s great. But, uh, you need to read the regular playbook, okay? Seriously. I’m doing all the work here.

Chris Clark: Oh, come on. Don’t be so hard on Tim. He’s helping us win!

[ Jesus laughs and sits next to Clark ]

Jesus: Oh, that’s cute! That’s cute! No, I know — Tim’s doing his best, Dad bless ’em. Uh — but you know who you should be thanking? Your kicker. Okay? I mean, you don’t win unless this guy hits a 59-yarder. I’m serious, man. Matt Prater? I pray to you, Brother!

Matt Prater: [ in awe ] Wow. You pray to me? I didn’t know that!

Jesus: Well, yeah. You know, uh — that’s because, uh, I’m not in everyone’s face about it. [ he gives a knowing nod to Tebow, as Tebow hangs his head in shame, then bumps heads with him ]

Chris Clark: [ confused ] So, Jesus just spends his time helping people win football games?

Jesus: Well, you know… here’s the thing: [ he crosses his legs, revealing Jersey socks ] I, uh, I just go where people call me the most. You know? Nowadays, that’s a lot of football games… uh, also the Country Music Awards. You know, I decided all of those. Uh — I’m right there at any Black event where food is served.

Chris Clark: Hey, man! [ he playfully punches Jesus in the gut ]

Jesus: [ laughing ] I’m sorry! [ he touches his head ] I’m forgiven! Alright, uh — look. You see, the point is: You guys gotta help yourselves a little. I mean, can you do that for me?

[ the team agrees ]

Jesus: Okay. Alright, now, listen — I can’t be around next week, I got a big birthday coming up, and, uh, I’m kind of tough to shop for. I mean, what do you get for the man who sacrificed everything, right? [ he laughs ]

[ Tebow laughs harder than the rest of the team, right into Jesus’ face ]

Jesus: [holding his arm up ] Easy. Don’t — I don’t need that. It’s a medium joke, at best. I don’t need that, alright? Come on. [ continuing ] So here’s my advice, alright? Just focus up, alright? And you’ll be fine. Alright? Who do you play next?

Tim Tebow: The Patriots.

Jesus: [ alarmed ] Oh, boy… really? Wow! Okay. Did not know that. That’s gonna be a tough one. I mean, hey! It just doesn’t leave this room, but, uh — If I’m the Son of God, then Tom Brady’s gotta be the guy’s nephew. Alright? That guys a miracle worker, okay? Oh! But that, uh, Coach Belichick? Well, let’s just say, uh: [ he makes devil horns over his head and shrieks ] So they’re coming at you both ways there, alright? So, uh — anyhoo! [ he stands to leave ] I’m off to a beauty pageant. Okay? Best of luck next week. I’ll try to watch. Uh, Tim? Tim?

[ Jesus motions Tebow forward, and he rushes to get at Jesus’ side ]

Jesus: I love you. Okay?

Tim Tebow: [ trembling ] I love you, too!

Jesus: Okay. Alright. Uh — but just take it down a notch, alright? Will you, buddy?

Tim Tebow: Yes! Whatever you command!

Jesus: Okay, but not a command. Just a request, alright? Uh — great! Well, I gotta catch this cloud, okay? I’ll see you all — [ he suddenly remembers something ] Oh, oh, oh, by the way: Uh — Mormonism? All true. Every single word. Yeah. All right, peace. See you, guys!

[ Jesus exits into the smoke ]

Chris Clark: Alright! Let’s hit the showers!

[ the team rushes into the showers ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 10

11j: Jimmy Fallon / Michael Bublé

Season’s Greetings from “Saturday Night Live”

…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Horatio Sanz
…..Chris Kattan
…..Tracy Morgan

FADE IN:

[ RED VELVET CURTAIN ]

[ GRAPHIC: SEASON’S GREETINGS FROM “SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE” ]

Announcer: Season’s Greetings from “Saturday Night Live”.

[ CURTAIN OPENS ]

[ HORATIO SANZ – holding a C.F. Martin & Co. backpack guitar – JIMMY FALLON, CHRIS KATTAN – holding a keyboard – and TRACY MORGAN stand at Home Base. All are wearing matching red-striped sweaters. ]

Horatio Sanz: One!

Jimmy Fallon: Two!

Horatio Sanz: One!

Jimmy Fallon: Two!

Horatio Sanz: Three!

Jimmy Fallon: Four!

[ Horatio starts playing the guitar. Jimmy turns on a background melody on the keyboard. Tracy dances in place. ]

Horatio Sanz: [singing]
“I don’t care what you Momma says!
Christmas time is near!”

Horatio Sanz & Jimmy Fallon: [singing]
“I don’t care what your Daddy says!
Christmas is full of cheer!
All I know is the Santa sleigh!
Is making its way to the U-S-of-A!”

[ Chris pops his head into frame. ]

Horatio Sanz & Jimmy Fallon: [singing]
“I wish it was Christmas today!
I wish it was Christmas today!”

[ Jimmy and Chris bob their heads side-to-side. Horatio continues to strum. ]

Horatio Sanz: [singing]
“I don’t care what the neighbors say!
Christmas will be here!”

Horatio Sanz & Jimmy Fallon: [singing]
“I don’t care if they think it’s a lie!
Christmas time is dear!
I don’t care about anything!
As long as those sleigh bells go RING-A-DING-DING!
I wish it was Christmas today!
I wish it was Christmas today!”

[ Jimmy activates various JUNGLE ANIMAL SOUND EFFECTS on the keyboard and Horatio brings the song to its dénouement and conclusion. All bow. ]

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 10

11j: Jimmy Fallon / Michael Bublé

Jimmy Fallon’s Monologue

…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Michael Bublé
…..Andy Samberg
…..Lorne Michaels

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Jimmy Fallon!

Jimmy Fallon: Thank you very much! Hey! Thank you so much! Thank you! Yes! I’m so excited! I’m excited to be back and hosting “Saturday Night Live”! Oh, this place means so much to me. All I’ve ever wanted my whole life was to be on this show… and to be hosting is just a dream come true, so thank you so much! [ the audience cheers wildly ] And it’s the CHRISTMAS show! [ he picks up his guitar ] I can’t even begin to tell you what it feels like. It’s just — it feels like coming home.

[ he strums his guitar and sings ]

“It’s Christmas, baby…
It feels so good to be home.”

[ fake snow begins to fall, as he ramps up his performance ]

“Hey!!
Christmas!
The snow is coming down!
Christmas!
I’m watching it fall!
All these people around!
It’s so good to be home!”

[ he walks past the audience into a back hall ]

Jimmy Fallon: Wow! There’s so many memories! Barry Gibb Talk Show… Debbie Downer… Cowbell! I laughed and ruined ALL those sketches! [ the audience laugh ] Moving on.

[ he leans over toward Kenan, Kristen, Bill and Jason going over last-minute cue card changes ]

Jimmy Fallon:
“Hey!!
Christmas!
They’re checking the cue cards!”

[ he steps past Fred Armisen leaning against the opposite wall ]

Jimmy Fallon:
“Christmas!
And Fred’s on the phone!”

[ he squeezes through the hall, past Michael Bublé outside his dressing room ]

Jimmy Fallon:
“Christmas!
Bublé’s doing cocaine!”

Michael Bublé: No, I’m not!

Jimmy Fallon:
“It’s so good to be home!

The spirits have walked these halls.
Gumby Christmas to Schweddy Balls.
Now I’m here to host for you…”

[ Andy Samberg and Vanessa Bayer hop into frame ]

Andy Samberg: “What about a verse for the Jews?”

[ Fallon stops and thinks ]

Jimmy Fallon: Okay!

[ singing ]
“Hanukkah!
Eight days of presents!
Hanukkah!
That’s all that I know!”

Andy Samberg: Okay…

[ Fallon turns a corner, as Andy and Vanessa wait a few beats to run back the way they came ]

Jimmy Fallon:
“It’s the holiday season!
I’m so glad to be home!”

[ he stops ]

Jimmy Fallon: Man… can you feel it, the spirit in here? Can you feel the spirit in the house?! [ the audience cheers ] I love this time of year. Yuo get all cozy, and then you just wait for the white-haired gentleman to give you a gift!

[ Lorne Michaels steps out of the shadow from which he wasn’t very well hidden from camera ]

Lorne Michaels: [ handing Fallon a small gift ] Merry Christmas, Jimmy!

Jimmy Fallon: Thank you… thank you, Lorne. [ awkwardly ] I got something for you, too…

Lorne Michaels: [ touched ] Oh!

[ Fallon swipes the gift around his back, then hands it to Lorne with his other hand ]

Jimmy Fallon: Here.

Lorne Michaels: Sweet!

[ Lorne takes his gift and walks away ]

Jimmy Fallon: “1! 2! 3! 4!
Christmas!
If there was a way!
Christmas!
For the friends that I know!
Christmas!
To come back here someday!

Please!
Please!
Please!
Please!

It’s so good to be home!
It’s so good to be home!
It’s so good!
It’s so good!
It’s so good!”

Jimmy Fallon: We’ve got a great show! Michael Bublé is here! This great cast is here! So stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 10

11j: Jimmy Fallon / Michael Bublé

Goodnights

…..Jimmy Fallon

[ return from commercial to find Fallon (dressed as a Bee) and the cast standing on the ice at the Rockefeller Center ice skating rink ]

Jimmy Fallon: We are live, here at the ice rink at Rockefeller Center in New York City, baby! I want to thank Michael Bublé! Rachel Dratch! Tina Fey! Chris Kattan! Jude Law! Tracy Morgan! Amy Poehler! Horatio Sanz! Lorne! Marci! Ayana! Lindsey! This best cast! The crew! I love you guys! Be nice to people! Uh — hug everyone you meet! Uh — uh — wait a second, what?

Tina Fey: “Merry Christmas!”

Jimmy Fallon: Merry Christmas! Happy Hanukkah! Happy Passion New Year! I love you, Mom and Dad and Gloria! I love you, Nancy! Uh — uh — having the best time, love you all! I appreciate it!

[ as the closing theme begins to play, he skates directly toward the camera and everyone else begins to skate around the rink ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 10

11j: Jimmy Fallon / Michael Bublé

Michael Bublé Christmas Duets

…..Michael Bublé
Sting…..Jimmy Fallon
Taylor Swift…..Kristen Wiig
Justin Bieber…..Jimmy Fallon
M.I.A…..Nasim Pedrad
Russell Brand…..Jimmy Fallon
Ke$ha…..Abby Elliott
Scott McCreery…..Taran Killam
Thom Yorke…..Fred Armisen
Kanye West…..Jay Pharoah

[fade in on Michael Bublé in a decorated studio]

Michael Bublé: [singing] O come all ye faithful, joyful and triumphant…

Announcer: It’s official, Michael Bublé’s Christmas is the number one album in America! And now, Bublé is back with a brand-new collection of Christmas duets. With legendary performers like Sting…

[Sting appears next to Bublé with bleached hair, skintight black clothes and a guitar]

Michael Bublé: [singing] Deck the halls with boughs of holly…

Sting: [singing to the tune of “Don’t Stand So Close to Me,” I think] Fa-la-la, fa-la-la, fa-la-la-la-la-la.

Michael Bublé: [singing] ‘Tis the season to be jolly…

Sting: [singing to the tune of “Desert Rose”] Fa-la-la-la-la-la-flo, fa-la-flo-fla-la-fo! [Bublé looks confused]

Announcer: And Taylor Swift! [Taylor appears with an acoustic guitar]

Michael Bublé: [singing] I saw three ships come sailing in on Christmas Day, on Christmas Day…

[Taylor just makes a series of shocked, excited faces]

Announcer: Plus, Justin Bieber! [Bieber appears in a purple hoodie]

Michael Bublé: [singing] Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way…

[Bieber is too busy pop-locking and doing heart hands to sing his part]

Michael Bublé: It’s your–it’s your line, man.

[Bieber just winks and shimmies around]

Announcer: And the always-controversial M.I.A.! [she appears in an oversized t-shirt]

Michael Bublé: [singing] Up on the rooftop–

M.I.A.: [singing in a Cockney accent] Quick, quick, quick–

Michael Bublé: [singing] Down through the chimney–

[M.I.A. fires a gun three times into the air, scaring the daylights out of Bublé]

Michael Bublé: What the [bleep]?!

Announcer: With a special appearance by Russell Brand! [he appears in a half-unbuttoned black shirt and lots of jewelry]

Michael Bublé: [singing] Angels we have heard on high…

Russell Brand: Now why would an angel want to get high? They wouldn’t need to, would they, they’re already in the clouds; it’s kinda their thing. I once saw a man named Angel get high! [Bublé looks annoyed] We’d all be lucky to meet a man like Angel, if he just pranced through your door–“Hello, I’m Angel. D’you got any drugs?”

Announcer: It’s the collection of holiday duets you’ll treasure forever! [the CD appears] Featuring chart-toppers like Ke$ha! [she appears with long, messy hair and glittery eye makeup]

Michael Bublé: [singing] Eight maids a-milking…

Ke$ha: [singing] Seven dudes a-puking…

Michael Bublé: [singing] Six geese a-laying…

Ke$ha: [singing] I got Hep C… [she blows a kiss and flails her tongue at the camera]

Announcer: And “American Idol” winner Scotty McCreery! [he shakes Bublé’s hand]

Michael Bublé: [singing] O holy night…

Scotty McCreery: [singing in an absurdly low baritone and with strange facial expressions] The stars are brightly shinin’! It is the night of our dear Savior’s birrrrrrth. [Bublé looks alarmed]

Announcer: Featuring Radiohead’s Thom Yorke! [Thom appears with messy hair and beard and dancing wildly]

Michael Bublé: [singing] Silent night…

Thom Yorke: [flailing around and half-whining] Silent…silent…silent…

Michael Bublé: [singing] Holy night…

Thom Yorke: [continues flailing] Holy…holy… [he dances over to Bublé]

Announcer: And Lady Gaga! [a decorated Christmas tree appears with a pink wig and googly eyes]

Michael Bublé: Wait, is this really her?

Announcer: With a special appearance by Kanye West! [Kanye bounces in and pushes Bublé out of the way]

Kanye West: [rapping] Hey little Jesus, you’re just a baby. You had a donkey, I got a Mercedes! [with autotune] Jesus, I’m so much better than you!

Announcer: Michael Bublé’s Christmas Duets! [Bieber reappears and keeps dancing]

Justin Bieber: Yeah! [he winks]

Announcer: In stores now! [Bieber does more heart hands and grabs Bublé’s hand to do a snake motion]

Submitted by: Rose Esposito

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 10

11j: Jimmy Fallon / Michael Bublé

Dressing Room

…..Jenna
…..Jimmy Fallon
Reflection…..Andy Samberg

[ open on Jimmy Fallon sitting at his dressing room mirror ]

Jenna: [ peeking in ] Hey, Jimmy? We need you in five minutes.

Jimmy Fallon: Thanks, Jenna. [ he looks into his mirror ] Wow… here we are. You’re hosting “SNL”, just like you’ve always dreamed of. The show’s going great! The crowd’s hot, the monologue was fun, the “Today Show” sketch was good, the Bublé thing worked — at least, I think so.

Reflection: Are you kidding me, my man? It’s going FANTASTIC! You’re doing so GREAT!

Jimmy Fallon: [ relieved ] Thanks! I needed to hear that! I’m just worried about the rest of the show now. What else am I gonna do?

Reflection: Aw, don’t even sweat that, my man! You just hit ’em with some old standbys, right?

Jimmy Fallon: Like what?

Reflection: Oh, you know! Do the hair muss!

Jimmy Fallon: [ confused ] What?!

Reflection: You know — the MUSS! You know, muss it up, man! [ he musses up his hair ]

Jimmy Fallon: Like this? [ he musses up his hair ]

Reflection: Yeah! There you go! Muss it up! Muss it!

Jimmy Fallon: No, no, that’s not right! That’s the old me! I’m a suit guy now, you know? I host a talk show!

Reflection: Oh, okay. Okay, Mr. Host! So just bring out a guest, you know, tell them you’re a huge fan.

Jimmy Fallon: Like who?

Reflection: I don’t know — like Bruce Springsteen.

Jimmy Fallon: [ excited ] Oh, my gosh! I’m a hug fan!

Reflection: Yeah! Or Steven Seagal.

Jimmy Fallon: Oh, yeah! I’m a huge fan! And he’s got the best ponytail — so SICK!

Reflection: Oh, sick! So sick!

Jimmy Fallon: So sick! His ponytail’s sick!

Reflection: Yeah! I don’t know, how about a loaf of bread?

Jimmy Fallon: Oh, my God! I’m a huge fan of bread! Are you kidding me? For a meal?

Reflection: I know! All those carbs! It’s the BEST! It’s so bready!

Jimmy Fallon: It’s so bready!

Reflection: I know! Or, hey — I know what you should do! You should bust out yuor guitar and do a song, you know? Like “Tears In Heaven”.

Jimmy Fallon: I don’t know… that song’s pretty sad.

Reflection: [ excited ] I know! It’s so SAD, right!

Jimmy Fallon: [ excited ] Yeah! So sad! It’s like the SADDEST! Hey — why don’t we just do some of our impressions? People like that.

Reflection: Oh, yeah, yeah! That’s a great idea! Okay, what are we gonna do?

Jimmy Fallon: I don’t know… Uh — how about Seinfeld? [ as Seinfeld ] “What’s the deal with Gogurt? Where’s yogurt gotta go all of a sudden?! Come on!”

Reflection: Okay. No, no, no — okay. [ as a bad Seinfeld ] “Uh — uh — what’s the deal with Go-gurt…?” No, no, don’t do that one! No, do a different one!

Jimmy Fallon: You don’t like to do that one?

Reflection: No, no… Hey, hey, I know! How about we hit ’em with some Gibb, right? [ as Barry Gibb ] “Yea-yeah!”

Together: “Yeahhh! Yeahh! Yeah! Yeah!”

Jimmy Fallon: Oh, wait… [ he stands ] Don’t spoil it, though. I think we’re gonna do that… later. [ he sips a glass of water, as the audience screams with anticipated excitement ]

Reflection: Oh, wait — no, no, no, no, no! Didn’t you hear? We’re not doing it, ’cause Timberlake couldn’t make it.

[ Jimmy spits his water into his reflection’s face ]

Together: NOOO!! WHY?!! WHY, GOD, WHYYY??!! [ they lean their heads close and sob ] WHY?!! WHY?!! WHY?!! WHY?!! [ a beat ] WHY?!!

Jimmy Fallon: Hey, you know what? Maybe he had a good reason.

Reflection: Yeah, you know, he’s probably doing crunches or something. I freaking love that guy!

Jimmy Fallon: Yeah, he’s the best. I’m a huge fan.

Reflection: Oh, my God, are you kidding me? I think about him 24/7.

Jimmy Fallon: [ confused ] Huh?

Reflection: [ defensively ] What?! What did you say?

Jimmy Fallon: Well… I guess I’d better get back.

Reflection: Alright. Look — you’re doing GREAT, my man, okay? Just keep being yourself, and hey — Merry Christmas, Jimmy!

Jimmy Fallon: Yeah. Happy Haunkkah, Jimmy.

Together: KERMIT THE FROG!! GO!! [ singing as Kermit ] “Someday, we’ll find it / The Rainbow Connection / The lovers, the dreamers, and meeee! / La la la lee, la la lu! La la la la dee da da dooooo!”

[ Jimmy and his reflection shake hands, call each other the best, then hug as the scene fades ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 10

11j: Jimmy Fallon / Michael Bublé

Boston Teens

Pat Sullivan…..Jimmy Fallon
Denise…..Rachel Dratch
Teacher…..Bboby Moynihan
Patrice Donovan…..Amy Poehler
Male Student…..Taran Killam
Female Student…..Abby Elliott

[ open on VHS static that clears to reveal girls’ legs standing in line ]

Sully V/O: Hey, Tommy! Tommy! you’re on? Over here! Over here, you creep-ah!

[ camera pans up to reveal Pat “Sully” Sullivan standing in front of a line of students ]

Sully: Hey! How ya’ doin’? This is Pat Sullivan, coming at you on VHS from the Shawshene Vo-Tech Winter Formal. As always, I am joined by my life partner — Denise.

Denise: [ poking in ] Call me Za-zoo! Wicked psyched for holiday cheer! And, for me, NOTHING says CHristmas like two fake school IDs and a Franzia bladder — sans box! [ she holds up these objects ]

Sully: Although we are no longer enrolled, we are hoping to talk our way into the festivities to recapture the magic of our second date.

Denise: Yeah! We woulda recreated our first date, but that patch of woods is now a PetSmart! And if I wanted a bunch of ferrets to watch us do it, I woulda stayed home. Oh, God, Sully… it feels wee-id being back at our old stomping grounds! Do you seriously think we could still pass as high school students?

Sully: Denise, you are forever 14 to me!

Denise: [ touched ] Awww…

Sully: I am, of course, referring to your jean size!

Denise: Ugh! You’re a moron!

Sully: You ahh!

[ they start making out ferociously ]

Teacher: Next! Next! [ Sully and Denise run forward ] Hey! Hey, let me see your school IDs!

Sully: Sure. [ he tosses the IDs down ]

Teacher: So… you are ninth-grader Avi Punjabi?

Sully: We grow big in… Bangalore.

Teacher: [ to Denise ] And you are supposed to be Assistant Principal Evelyn Chang?

Denise: Yeah! Ours is a forbidden love, in the style of Mary Kay LeTourneau and that little Samoan boy they named the Girl Scout cookies after.

Sully: Billy ??, you are my hero!

Denise: You ahh!

[ they start making out ferociously ]

Teacher: Wait a minute, waut a minute… I remember you two dopes! Weren’t you in my home Economics class in 2004?

Denise: Busted! That hamburger pillow now graces our marital bed!

Teacher: [ he chuckles condescendingly ] Alright — now GET OUT OF HERE, before I unbuckle my peppah spray!

Denise: [ eyeballing his pepper spray canister ] Whoa! Whoa! No conflict! No conflict!

[ they back away form the line ]

Sully: My girl’s already been pepper-sprayed TWICE this holiday season! Once, at K-Mart on Black Friday… and once, when she flashed her boobs at Occupy Boston!

Denise: We ahh the 99 per cent! [ she flashes her jacket ] WHOO!!

Sully: Alright, alright, alright! [ he approaches some students ] Hey there, pallies! Who here wants to be a hero and open the side door for soem alumni?

Female Student: Oh, my God… how old ahh you two?

Sully: We may never know for sure. My mother lost my birth certificate in a sex-fire.

Denise: Word to the wise: Do NOT make love next to a space heater if your lingerie is mostly rayon.

Sully: Rayon! Nawt flame-re-tawd-ent!

Denise: You ahh!

Sully: You ahh!

[ they start making out ferociously again ]

[ Patrice Donovan enters ]

Patrice Donovan: Oh, my God! Sully! Denise! My God, it’s you!

Sully: Patrice Donovan!

Denise: Oh, my God…

Sully: I haven’t seen you since you left 8th Grade with mononucleosis.

Patrice Donovan: Yeah, well… that “mononucleosis” just turned fifteen, and her name’s Linda.

Denise: Linda! Gaw-geous name! Gaw-geous. Hat’s off to ya’. Linda.

Sully: You here to party?

Denise: Oh, God, I wish. I gotta pick up Linda, ’cause apparently she just bawffed> all over the dance floor.

Denise: Hmm… alcohol poisoning, pregnancy, or bulimia?

Patrice Donovan: [ thinking ] I’m guessing two out of the three. What have you two been up to for the last fourteen years?

Sully: Just building a paradise, brick by brick. [ he wraps his arm around Denise ] Five beautiful children: Weezer, Chubbsie, Squeezebox, Hags, and Baby Richard.

Denise: I wouldn’t quit until I got a boy.

Sully: She’s the Mom of the Year, this one! She never loses her temper, really maintained her looks, works tirelessly to keep the babies in fully-licensed… [ he reveal his jersey ] Nomar jerseys! NOMARR!!

Denise & Patrice: NOMARR!!!

Sully: Don’t forget!

Denise: You ahh!

Sully: You ahh!!

[ they begin to make out ferociously once more, Sully even stealing a squeeze of ??’s breast ]

Patrice Donovan: Alright! Alright! [ she removes Sully’s hand from her breast ] Okay, good for you, both of you! Take care, God bless. Alright.

[ she walks away ]

Male Student: Hey! You gonna stand out here all night, Gramps? Be careful you don’t catch hypothermia!

Sully: You wanna go, Pee Wee? I fight Southsie style — that means no black guys and weiner pulling’s fair game!

Denise: Sully! Sully, calm down! Calm down! Look into these crystal blue persuadahs! [ she points to her eyes ] Calm down.

Sully: You’re right. We didn’t coem here to be treated like a couple of lowlifes! We can do that ANYWHERE! Merry Christmas, suckers! You don’t have Pat Sullivan to kick around any more!

Male Student: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hold up! You’re the great Pat Sullivan? [ suddenly impressed ] I heard you once set fire to Mr. Church’s hair with a Bunson burner!

Sully: [ he shrugs ] Hearsay.

Female Student: I heard you hocked a loogie on Mr. Banes from the fourth floor window!

Sully: Pure conjuncture.

Male Student: I heard you got kicked off the class ski trip for flashing the chaperone!

Sully: Not entirely true. Mrs. Gillepsie just happened to enter the room at the exact moment I was hanging brain.

Male Student: Man! You’re a legend!

Denise: You ahhh!

Male Student: Oh, my gosh, Mr. Sullivan… will you pahty with us? It would be honor to let you in the back door!

Sully: Tommy! PLEASE tell me you got that on tape! ‘Cause “LIVE from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 10

11j: Jimmy Fallon / Michael Bublé

Ode to Joy

Ludwig van Beethoven…..Jimmy Fallon
Gregor Lindt…..Taran Killam
Herman Frump…..Jason Sudeikis
Gayhard Munch…..Bill Hader
Rolf “The Hitman” Hitler…..Paul Brittain
Franz Liebsch…..Andy Samberg
Casper Niles…..Fred Armisen
Voldemort Robin…..Bobby Moynihan
Victor Heinz…..Horatio Sanz
Octo Olrich…..Chris Kattan
Triangle Sally…..Kristen Wiig
Choirboys…..Vanessa Bayer, Abby Elliott, Nasim Pedrad
B.B. King…..Kenan Thompson

[ open on postcard photo, SUPER: “Vienna, May 7th 1824” ]

[ dissolve to stage interior, Ludwig van Beetoven finishing a piece with a full orchestra ]

Ludwig van Beethoven: [ turning to face his applauding audience ] Danke! Danke! On behalf of myself — Ludwig van Beethoven — I thank you for attending the premiere of my Night’s Symphony. This momentous piece of music would not be possible without the exceptional musicians behind me, and so I’d like to introduce the band. Let’s do this!

[ the orchestra breaks into a jazzy version of “Tighten Up”, as Beetoven grabs a microphone ]

Ludwig van Beethoven: Let’s meet the fellows! Let’s start over here! He’s first on the bassoon, and last to pick up the check! Let’s hear it for my friend Gregor Lindt!

[ Gregor Lindt stands and plays a medley on his bassoon ]

Ludwig van Beethoven: Movin’ on, an INCH to the left! Right under the candles! Oh vo, he didn’t — oh vo, he did! First on oboe — a whirlwind of woodwind! This guy blows — in a good way! Herman Frump, everybody!

[ Herman Frump stands and plays a medley on his oboe, then smiles ]

Ludwig van Beethoven: God, I am GOOD at classical music! Let’s keep moving! We got a lot of guys to get through! This next guy plays flute — both regular and skin — Who said that? — Not me! [ he laughs ] He’s our principle flautist — and yes, he “flauts” it! Give it up for — and this is his REAL name — Gayhard Munch! What?!

[ Gayhard Munch stands and plays a medley on his flute ]

Ludwig van Beethoven: On first clarinet — Hitler’s his name… and music’s his game. He was born in Austria, but dreams of moving to Germany. He’s alays angry about something. Let’s hope he never has kids! Rolf “The Hitman” Hitler right there!

[ Rolf “The Hitman” Hitler stands and plays a medley on his clarinet and waves at the crowd ]

Ludwig van Beethoven: Moving on over to strings, where it PAYS to be high-strung! On first viola, the unvi-o-lent — this guy showed up today with a slight fever, which means… he’s probably gonna die! Let’s all say goodbye to Franz Liebsch!

[ Franz Liebsch remains to play a strained medley on his viola ]

Franz Liebsch: I’m so cold…

Ludwig van Beethoven: Get well soon, buddy. [ he puts his hand over his microphone ] He won’t! Hey! “Ode to Joy”. Next up — either this guy’s playing the cello, or a dwarf got a hold of a violin! Funny story — his mother was killed by an ox. He’s from Gras… and he loves to smoke it! [ he mimes puffing a joint ] Say hello to my little friend — Casper Niles, everybody!

[ Casper Niles struggles to play a medley on his oversized violin ]

Ludwig van Beethoven: You alright, buddy? Alright, there’s fifteen more string players to get through. Luckily, they’re all named “Olaf”. Give it up for OLAF right there, everybody!

[ the Olafs play a medley on their string instruments ]

Ludwig van Beethoven: Sounds beautiful! Hey, on a side note — for those of you who like the quieter stuff — my “Moonlight Sonata” is dropping next week. I wanted to call it “Panty Raid”, but the suits said “Nein!” Which is a shame, because I think that title is a “ten”! [ a rim shot is heard ] I signed that joke up for Kindergarten, because it’s five years old. Moving on over to the brass section! I call these guys “The Brass Holes”! First up, on the French horn — this guy went to Berlin on our off-day, and he was nice enough to bring back syphillis! His key is B-flat, and his wife be ugly! Wearing the CHEAPEST wig I’ve ever seen — Voldemort Robin!

[ Voldemort Robin plays a medley on his French horn, with his lips barely touching the stem, then shrugs playfully ]

Ludwig van Beethoven: One of my favorite jokes is that a French horn is like a woman — it’s beautiful, it’s curvaceous, and it’s filled with tubes I don’t understand! [ he laughs ] Let’s move over to the tuba — music’s answer to the fart. This guy and I do not get along. He put the “dick” in “tuba”. [ Victor Heinz frowns ] I’d like to hit this guy on the head… with a tuba-four! Tuba-four! [ he laughs ] I’m gonna assume you’re all laughing. I don’t need to tell you folks I can’t hear a gosh-darn thing — I’m deaf! Famously! Famously deaf! Give it up for Victor Heinz, everybody!

[ Victor Heinz plays a medley on his tuba ]

Ludwig van Beethoven: That’s Mozart, you son of a bitch!

[ Victor Heinz points a finger and laughs at Beetoven ]

Ludwig van Beethoven: What a dick! Just behind him — he used to be a harpist, then he got kicked in the head by a horse, and now he plays the jug. Make some noise for Octo Olrich!

[ bandaged Octo Olrich blows into a jug and looks up in great confusion ]

Ludwig van Beethoven: Sad. I still don’t know what he was doing behind that horse. Moving on. We’re sorry she doesn’t get to do her thing tonight, but it’s a man’s world. So give it up for Triangle Sally!

[ dressed in a jumpsuit, Triangle Sally shimmies then raises her leg and hits her triangle one time ]

Ludwig van Beethoven: Moving on over to the choir — let’s meet the fellows behind those angelic voices. [ reveal three choirboys ] These guys have a thousand harmonies and zero testicles among them. Give it up for Castrataaaa!!

[ the choirboys harmonize a medley ]

Ludwig van Beethoven: And, finally — last but not least — his axe could cut down every tree in the Black Forest! He’s icing on my streudal! The power of my wing! He’s the Master of Disaster! The Minister of Blues! You’ll WISH you could be like him, but you CAN’T! On lead guitar — Bertram Bertram King! But you know him as B.B. King!

B.B. King: [ he plucks out a blues tune on his guitar ] “The thrill is gone!”

Ludwig van Beethoven: We are Beetoven’s Orchestra, and this has been our “Ode to Joy”! Good night, Vienna!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 10


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:















Bit Players:

Guest Writer:


December 17th, 2011

Jimmy Fallon

Michael Bublé

None

Rachel Dratch

Amy Poehler

Horatio Sanz

Lorne Michaels

Tracy Morgan

Chris Kattan

Jude Law

Tina Fey

None

Tina Fey

Boston TeensSummary: Now married adults, Pat Sullivan (Jimmy Fallon) and Denise McDenna (Rachel Dratch) try to sneak into their high school’s Winter Formal so they can recreate their second date.

Recurring Characters: Pat Sullivan, Denise McDenna.

Transcript

Montage

Jimmy Fallon’s MonologueSummary: Jimmy Fallon dances through the halls of Studio 8H singing “Christmastime (Coming Home Again)”.

Transcript

TodaySummary: Kathie Lee Gifford (Kristen Wiig) mocks the idea that co-host Hoda Kotb (Nasim Pedrad) has a new boyfriend. Regis Philbin (Jimmy Fallon) makes a surprise visit and announces that he’d like to get back on the air now that his retirement plans have fallen through.

Recurring Characters: Kathie Lee Gifford, Hoda Kotb, Regis Philbin.

Michael Bublé Christmas DuetsSummary: Michael Bublé performs Christmas duets with Justin Bieber (Jimmy Fallon) and other unlikely performers.

Recurring Characters: Taylor Swift, Justin Bieber, Ke$ha, Kanye West.

Transcript

Dressing RoomSummary: Jimmy Fallon ponders his hosting performance with his reflection (Andy Samberg) in his dressing room mirror.

Transcript

Holiday PartySummary: In 1928 New York City, Lilia (Kristen Wiig) and Fredgie (Jimmy Fallon) try to hold themselves back from respectively singing and dancing at a Christmas party.

Recurring Characters: Lilia.

Half Jewish Half Italian Completely NeuroticSummary: Tommy Palmese (Fred Armisen) alienates his audience with his personal in-your-face one-man off-off-Broadway show.

Season’s Greetings From “Saturday Night Live”Summary: Horatio Sanz, Jimmy Fallon, Chris Kattan and Tracy Morgan bring out their silly Christmas ditty once more.

Transcript

Michael Bublé performs “Holly Jolly Christmas”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: While “In The Cage” with Jude Law, Nicolas Cage (Andy Samberg) asks why he isn’t in “Sherlock Holmes: Game of Shadows”. After performing a joke about a strip club accepting toy donations for Christmas, Seth Meyers and Amy Poehler are pitted in a “Weekend Update Joke-Off” against Jimmy Fallon and Tina Fey.

Recurring Characters: Nicolas Cage.

Transcript

Ode To JoySummary: Following a performance orchestra, Ludwig van Beethoven (Jimmy Fallon) introduces the members of his back-up band.

Recurring Characters: Ludwig van Beethoven, Triangle Sally.

Transcript

War HorseSummary: Audience members (Bill Hader, Kristen Wiig) react to a cheap stage production of “War Horse”.

Transcript

Michael Bublé performs “Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas”

Locker RoomSummary: Jesus (Jason Sudeikis) explains to Tim Tebow (Taran Killam) and the Denver Broncos that he can’t be there to help them win every game every week.

Recurring Characters: Jesus.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

The Price is RightSummary: Drew Carey (Jimmy Fallon) oversees pricing game with an overenthusiastic female contestant (Jay Pharoah).

Kindle AdSummary: A couple (Jason Sudeikis, Abby Elliott) can’t stop gushing about how wonderful their new Kindle is.

Christmas with The KingsSummary: Larry King (Fred Armisen) hosts a Christmas party for his family and friends Piers Morgan (Taran Killam) and Kathy Griffin (Nasim Pedrad).

Recurring Characters: Larry King, Piers Morgan, Kathy Griffin.

Merryville Trolley RideSummary: When the trolley ride breaks down on its track, amusement park visitor (Andy Samberg) is freaked out when the animatronic robots (Taran Killam, Jimmy Fallon, Bill Hader) hit on his girlfriend (Vanessa Bayer).

Recurring Characters: Robot.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 9


]]>

11i: Katy Perry / Robyn

Weekend Update with Seth Meyers

…..Seth Meyers
Rebecca Larue…..Kristen Wiig
Captain Steve Rogers…..Alec Baldwin
Stefon…..Bill Hader

Announcer: “Weekend Update”, with Seth Meyers.

Seth Meyers: Good evening! I’m Seth Meyers, and here are tonight’s top stories:

Rick Perry, on Thursday, announced that he would not be taking part in the Donald Trump-moderated GOP debate later this month. I don’t blame Perry — He’ll get all the Trump he can handle when he’s on next season’s “The Apprentice”. He’ll fit right in.

The Obama administration, on Wednesday, surprised women’s health advocates by rejecting a request to make the Plan B morning after pill available over the counter. Which means that a lot of people will just go with Plan C. [ image: “16 and Pregnant” card ]

People in Rhode Island, on Tuesday, protested the Governor’s decision to refer to the statehouse Christmas tree as a “holiday tree”. And they really don’t like his decision to refer to Jesus as “December Man”.

According to a new report, because of austerity measures, England’s Queen Elizabeth will face a pay freeze until 2015. And, sadly, the effects of the pay freeze are already showing. [ image: The Queen wearing a Burger King crown ]

Seth Meyers: The holidays are upon us, but they can be less than festive for single people. Here to tell us how you can meet a siginificant other by New Year’s — flirting expert Rebecca Larue.

[ Rebecca Larue slides in, tossing her hair back and forth playfully ]

Rebecca Larue: [ giggling ] Hi, Seth! Thank for having me!

Seth Meyers: Well, hi, Rebecca. Um, I bet a lot of people are — [ she shakes her hair back and forth ] uh — excited to hear what you have to say. [ she tosses her hair back and holds her mouth in an open gape ] I mean, I think everyone’s intimdated by — [ she touches his hand ] Wow! It looks like you’ve strted flirting already!

Rebecca Larue: [ teasing ] No, I’m not! I’m just listening to you. [ she giggles ] I’m just really hearing you. [ she cups her hand to her chin and leans closer to Seth ]

Seth Meyers: Okay, uh — [ she inches even closer ] Alright. I see what you’re doing — uh, flattering me by listening, to show that you’re interested. [ she holds her arms up high and bounces her head back and forth ] That is, uh — that’s a great tip.

Rebecca Larue: [ giggling ] I don’t know — maybe! [ she blows him a kiss ]

Seth Meyers: So, Rebecca — being single during the holidays… [ she blows another kiss ] must be especially difficult… [ she stretches her arms out and bounces her head back and forth ] especially when – okay! Rebecca, do you want to explain what you’re doing right now?

Rebecca Larue: Just like… body language stuff, you know, that people can do! [ she laughs, turns her head and covers her hair over her eyes shyly ] Like… flirt!

Seth Meyers: Okay, so — oh! Oh! You’re using, like, verbal cues to entice me?

Rebecca Larue: Seeeeth! Entice? I’m sure! [ she turns her head away, shakes it, then holds her arms up ]

Seth Meyers: Why — why do you keep putting your arms in the air? Is that, like, a flirting technique?

Rebecca Larue: [ she covers her eyes and giggles ] What are you looking at? [ she lays her head on the desk, the crawls under and sticks her butt in the air ]

Seth Meyers: Rebecca… Rebecca. I’m sure that everything you’re doing —

Rebecca Larue: [ she lifts her head ] I’m shy…

Seth Meyers: Works for you… but, like, what if someone’s more shy than you are? You know?

Rebecca Larue: [ she returns to her seat ] Well, if you’re too shy, you just do whatever you’re comfortable with. Just, like, little small things like: [ she throws her arms in the air again and bounces her head and pulls her hair, then extends her arms to touch Seth’s face ]

Seth Meyers: Rebecca! Rebecca… you are making me very uncomfortable.

Rebecca Larue: [ she slinks back ] No, I’m not!

Seth Meyers: You kinda are.

[ suddenly, without warning, she lifts her legs in the air and spreads them ]

Seth Meyers: Rebecca…

[ she clutches her legs with her hands and tries to spread them further apart ]

Seth Meyers: Rebecca, what are you doing?! What are you doing? Rebecca!

[ she scootches her chair forward until she has her legs wrapped around Seth ]

Rebecca Larue: [ innocently ] What?

Seth Meyers: What are you doing?

Rebecca Larue: [ sobbing ] I’m a slut!

Seth Meyers: Alright! Oh, good, I thought so! But, you know, Rebecca — I think deep down you’re still a good person.

Rebecca Larue: [ seductively ] Seth! Take your shirt off for one second…

Seth Meyers: NO!! Flirting expert Rebecca Larue, everybody!

[ she backs her chair away and waves her fingers at Seth as she disappears ]

A new fat-rich diet that has become extremely popular in Norway is being blamed for depleting the country’s stocks of butter. Thanks in no small part to Norway’s celebrity chef — Paula Deenflurgen.

An experiment for the Discovery show “MythBusters” went awry, Tuesday, when a cannonball missed its target and caused damage in a nearby neighborhood. Still, they did bust that old myth about the suburbs being safe from cannon fire.

Because of a new cost-cutting measure, schoolchildren in a town in Spain have been told to limit their use of toilet paper to 82 feet a month. That is outrageous! Or totally acceptable. I have no idea how much toilet paper that is.

A new website has launched called “Toygaroo”, which is a Netflix-style system that allows parents to rent toys for their children and send them back for new ones. It’s all part of an effort to make the movie “Contagion” come true.

Seth Meyers: On Wednesday of this week, actor Alec Baldwin was kicked off an American Airlines flight after he refused to turn off his phone and stop playing “Words with Friends.” Now here to comment, the pilot of that flight — Captain Steve Rogers. [ the Captain, obviously Alec Baldwin in disguise, rolls in ] Thanks so much for coming, Captain.

“Captain Steve Rogers”: Well, thanks for having me, Seth.

Seth Meyers: So… Captain Rogers, uh — what’s your take on the events of last Wednesday?

“Captain Steve Rogers”: Well, it was awful, Seth, which is why it was very important for me to come here tonight, and on behalf of everyone at American Airlines, issue an apology to Mr. Alec Baldwin.

Seth Meyers: [ whispering ] Alec, are you sure this is the right way to handle this?

“Captain Steve Rogers”: [ whispering ] Yeah, yeah — keep going, keep going.

Seth Meyers: So, let me get this straight: You, Captain Rogers, want to apologize to Alec Baldwin?

“Captain Steve Rogers”: Yes. Mr. Baldwin is an American treasure, and I am ashamed at the way he was treated. I mean, what harm would it do to let him keep playing his game — not any game, mind you — but a word game for smart people?

Seth Meyers: But, Captain Rogers, don’t phones interfere with the plane’s communication system?

“Captain Steve Rogers”: Oh, you don’t believe that, do you, Seth? Would you really get on an airplane that flew 30,000 feet in the air if you thought one Kindle switch could take it down? COME ON!! It’s just a cruel joke perpetrated by the airline industry. And we would have gotten away with it, but Alec Baldwin was just too smart for us. He really is something, Seth.

Seth Meyers: [ whispering ] Seriously, Alec, I just don’t think…

“Captain Steve Rogers”: [ sternly ] Keep going, Seth.

Seth Meyers: Okay. But didn’t Alec Baldwin getting kicked off the plane delay takeoff?

“Captain Steve Rogers”: It did. And it was the first time in the history of American Airlines that one of our flights was delayed. COME ON, SETH!! We’re bankrupt! How DARE we speak ill of the great Alec Baldwin, and we can’t even take off on time!

Seth Meyers: It was also reported that Alec Baldwin slammed the bathroom door so loudly that you could hear it in the cockpit.

“Captain Steve Rogers”: Now, Seth, “Words with Friends” can be frustrating in a game. I just started playing the game myself. But when you think you’re about to play “JAILERS” off of someone’s “QUICHE”, and then you realize you don’t have the “I”, let me tell you — that’ll make you slam the bathroom door, too. Besides, when I go to the bathroom on a plane, I always want that door slammed nice and tight! Doesn’t everyone? Gee willikers!

Seth Meyers: Okay, Alec, this is too much. I don’t want to be a part of this anymore.

“Captain Steve Rogers”: Seth, I’m not Alec! Do you hear me? But I wish I was! That man’s a hero! A SMART hero!

Seth Meyers: Captain Steve Rogers!

“Captain Steve Rogers”: Y’all drive safe now!

Seth Meyers: We’ll drive safe!New research suggests that humans have reached the limit of their mental evolution, and are not likely to ever develop a “supermind”. “Yayyy!” said everyone who works at the E! network.

According to a new list, the least happy city in America is St. Petersburg, Florida. But that’s only because Reno, Nevada finally killed itself.

A man in Alaska, whose truck became stranded in a snowdrift for three days, survived by eating frozen beer in his truck. The man said it worked so well he never even had to unwrap his sandwich.

Seth Meyers: It’s Christmastime in New York, which means millions of tourists will be coming to see what holiday magic the Big Apple has to offer. Here with some tips on where you and your children should go, is our city correspondent — Stefon!

Stefon: Hi.

Seth Meyers: Hi. Hi, Stefon. Uh — it’s an exciting time, isn’t it?

Stefon: I know, right? So many Republican candidates… who to pick?

Seth Meyers: Okay. So, Stefon, a lot of families are making their way to Manhattan to have some holiday fun. Are there any places you can recommend?

Stefon: Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. If you’re looking to get festive with your family, I’ve got the perfect place for you to take them. New York’s hottest club is Heyyyyyy! Built from the bucket list of a dying pervert, this Battery Park bitch parade is now managed by overweight game show host Fat Sajak. This place gas EVERYTHING: Tweekers, Skivvies, Spud Webb, a child… and a Russian guy who runs on a treadmill in a Cosby sweater. So come on down this weekend. The bouncer’s a bulldog who looks like Wilford Brimley, and the password is: [ in a Brimley voice ] “Die-uh-beat-us!” [ he covers his face ]

Seth Meyers: Stefon, that sounds like a very cool place, and I’m sure that —

Stefon: Right!

Seth Meyers: Yeah. And I’m sure people exist who would enjoy hanging out at a place like that —

Stefon: I knowwww!

Seth Meyers: But, since New York has no many holiday —

Stefon: Holiday.

Seth Meyers: Holiday sights to see. Maybe you can think of something more traditional for ordinary salt-of-the-earth people to check out.

Stefon: Yes! Loud and clear. If you’re ordinary and love salt… I’ve got just the spot for you: New York’s hottest holiday club is: [ he baas like a sheep and covers his face ]

Seth Meyers: Could you, uh — could you use that in a sentence for me?

Stefon: Um — in a sentence?

Seth Meyers: Yeah.

Stefon: Um — “Let’s go to [ he baas ] because the line is too long at Spicy!” [ he covers his face ]

Seth Meyers: That was a sentence. Thank you.

Stefon: Opening condemned in 1904,this seasoned psycho ward is the creation of Hanukkah cartoon character Menorah the Explorer. [ he grins and covers his face ] And this place has everything: Kiwis… Spud Webb… [ he cracks up and covers his face ]

Seth Meyers: Spud Webb’s doing double duty?

Stefon: Yeah! [ continuing ] The Cleo Awards… someone’s mom… plus a special showing of the African holiday classic: “A Fish Called Kwaanza”. [ he covers his face ] Look who just walked in — it’s a lady who works at CVS, but do not bother her becaus she is on break. [ he covers his face ]

Seth Meyers: I don’t know if this place captures the holiday spirit.

Stefon: And all the proceeds go to charity.

Seth Meyers: Oh? Which charity?

Stefon: Flaccid outreach group — Doctors Without Boners! [ he laughs and covers his face ]

Seth Meyers: Stefon… I would never disparage a charity, and I’m sure Doctors Without Boners does amazing work —

Stefon: Not really! [ he laughs ]

Seth Meyers: Okay! But this is not what I was looking for.

Stefon: I’m trying my best.

Seth Meyers: You’re right. I shouldn’t get mad at you. [ soft Christmas music plays ] I just get emotional around the holidays, you know, Stefon? My family is all back in New Hampshire, and I don’t… get to spend the holidays with them any more. I guess I just… miss them this time of year.

Stefon: Sorry. I never knew you had a family. I just thought you were built by gay scientists! You know what? This year, i’m gonna get you a Christmas present.

Seth Meyers: [ excited ] Oh! Stefon! Well, what are you gonna get me?

Stefon: A human boombox!

Seth Meyers: what’s a human boombox?

Stefon: It’s that thing of when you carry a midget over your shoulder… while he sings gangsta rap.

Seth Meyers: That’s just what I’ve always wanted!

Stefon: Happy Holidays, Seth Meyers!

Seth Meyers: Stefon, everybody! For “Weekend Update”, I’m Seth Meyers! Good night!

[ they hug to fade ]

SNL Transcripts