For Die Hard Saturday Night Live Fans
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 36: Episode 12
10l: Gwyneth Paltrow / Cee Lo Green
Goodnights
…..Gwyneth Paltrow
Gwyneth Paltrow: I had the best time ever! Thanks to Cee Lo Green, Paul Reubens, Anderson Cooper, this incredible cast! Have a good night! We love you!
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 36: Episode 12
10l: Gwyneth Paltrow / Cee Lo Green
Globe Theater
Emcee…..Bobby Moynihan
Male Audience Member…..Andy Samberg
Female Audience Member…..Kristen Wiig
William Shakespeare…..Bill Hader
Actor…..Taran Killam
Actress…..Gwyneth Paltrow
Lute Player…..Fred Armisen
Falconer…..Jason Sudeikis
Black Man…..Jay Pharoah
Painter…..Kenan Thompson
[ open on art card: Globe Theater, 1594 ]
[ dissolve to theater stage ]
Emcee: Greetings, countrymen! And welcome to the illustrious Globe Theater! Tonight, we are proud to present William Shakespeare’s Taming of the Shrew.
[ the audience applauds ]
Male Audience Member: Huzzahhhh!!
Female Audience Member: Three cheers for The Bard!
Emcee: But, first — we are trying something rather novel here at the Globe. Our actors are going to give you a glance ahead, at some of our Coming Attractions! We call them… Previews.
[ the audience frowns in confusion ]
Male Audience Member: Previews?
Female Audience Member: Curious!
William Shakespeare: [ in deep tone ] Coming soon: Romeo thought he had everything!
Actor: Methinks I have… everything.
William Shakespeare: — Until he fell in love… with the enemy!
Actress: I am Juliet, from Capulet.
Actor: The whaaaat?
[ lute player steps forward ]
Actress: [ singing ]
“I’ve got a feeling…
That this is going to be a good eve.”
All: [ singing ]
“That this eve’s going to be
A good, good eve!”
[ they bow ]
William Shakespeare: “Romeo and Juliet”. It’s a romance… to die for!
Male Audience Member: I don’t know if I care for these previews!
Female Audience Member: They gave away the whole plot! Now, start the play!
Male Audience Member: START THE PLAY!!
Emcee: In a moment, thank you, sir. But, first, a quick reminder: Make sure to silence your falcon —
[ reveal wide-grinning audience member holding a falcon. The falcon screeches, so the audience member places a nuzzle over his beak ]
Emcee: And, in case of a fire, the emergency exits are… nowhere. So, please, make your peace with God. Now, enjoy… The Taming of the Shrew — after one more preview!
William Shakespeare: [ in deep tone ] Coming soon: Hamlet never believed in ghosts!
Actor: That’s all HOGWASH!
William Shakespeare: — Until his own father came back — from the dead!
[ an actor in a white sheet appears behind Hamlet ]
Black Man in Audience: [ screaming ] Hey, watch out, Hamlet! It’s a GHOST!!
Male Audience Member: Shhh!! Keep it down! Now, start the play!
Female Audience Member: Start the play already!!
Emcee: Please, please! Just another quick reminder: Any recording of today’s play is prohibited.
[ a painter in the audience looks up from his canvas of the theater, quickly retrieves his easel and runs for it ]
Emcee: And, remember: Refreshments are available in the foyer.
[ actors dance on stage ]
Actor & Actress: [ singing ]
“Let’s all go to the lobby!
Let’s all go to the lobby!
Let’s all go to the lobby!”
Actor: And eat some boiled duck!
Black Man in Audience: Awww, HELL nay!
Male Audience Member: [ holding up a large chalise ] And can you believe this is a Small?!
Emcee: And now, without further ado, I give you Taming of the Shrew — after ONE more preview!
William Shakespeare: [ in deep tone ] Coming soon: You love Henry IV. Well, guess what? There’s a new king in town!
Actress: Henry IV, I presume?
Actor: Not… exactly.
William Shakespeare: Henry… the Fifth! [ he smiles ]
Male Audience Member: Let’s burn this place DOWWWWWWNNNN!!
[ the audience cheers him on in agreement ]
[ freeze-frame ]
Announcer: [ over scroll ] And so they did. And no one ever heard of shakespeare again. This has been… FALSE HISTORY! Good night!
[ fade ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 36: Episode 12
10l: Gwyneth Paltrow / Cee Lo Green
What the Forget!
Karen Antonelli…..Gwyneth Paltrow
Larry…..Andy Samberg
Keith…..Jason Sudeikis
Rodney…..Paul Brittain
…..Cee Lo Green
[ open in Karen Antonelli’s office, as Cee Lo Green’s “Fuck You” single plays ]
[ Karen turns off the music ]
Karen Antonelli: Whoo! Congratulations, gentlemen — we have a hit on our hands! We need to get this to radio immediately.
Larry: We will — but there is a small problem.
Keith: Yeah. The FCC said Cee Lo’s new song is profane and we can’t play it on the radio unless we change the lyrics.
Karen Antonelli: [ outraged ] What the FORGET are you talking about?!
Larry: Karen! Language!
Karen Antonelli: Sorry, Larry! But this is — I’m — I’m FORGETTIN’ furious! This is FORGETTING BULLSUGAR!!
Keith: Hey, Karen! [ laughing ] Relax!
Karen Antonelli: Shut the FORGET up, Keith!
Keith: Whoa! Whoa!
[ Rodney opens the door ]
Rodney: Miss Antonelli…?
Karen Antonelli: Rodney! Rodney! I’m in the middle of a FORGETTIN’ meeting here, okay?! Can you FORGETTIN’ knock?!
Rodney: Sorry…I forgot.
Karen Antonelli: Well, the next time you FORGETTING forget… I’ll cut off your DIXIE CUP and FORGET you in the ear with it! And then, you’ll always remember never to FORGETTING forget! Now, what was so FORGETTING important?!
Rodney: I just want to tell you that Cee Lo is here.
Karen Antonelli: [ she thumps her desk ] FORGET me in the SASQUATCH! Okay! Send him in!
[ Cee Lo enters ]
Cee Lo: What’s up, you Mother FORGETTERS!
[ Cee Lo takes a seat at the desk ]
Larry: How you doing, Cee Lo?
Cee Lo: I’m feelin’ good, my NINTENDO.
Keith: [ laughing ] Yeah! That’s my NINTENDO right there!
[ the room silences ]
Keith: Right. It’s not cool when I say that word.
Karen Antonelli: Cee Lo, we’ve got some good news and some bad news. The good news is, we love your track! The bad news is, the FCC needs you to change the lyrics.
Cee Lo: [ to the men ] Is she FORGETTIN’ kidding?
Karen Antonelli: I FORGETTIN’ wish I was!
Cee Lo: [ thinking ] You know what? Those people at the FCC can — can sue my black DIXIE CARTER!
Karen Antonelli: FORGET ’em, Cee Lo! They’re SUGARHEADS and SASQUATCH-HOLES! The FCC lady I talked to over there… was a world-class COUNTRY STRONG!
Larry: Karen!!
Karen Antonelli: I’m sorry! Still, you know what? I bet if we put our heads together, we can come up with a replacement that works!
Keith: [ thinking ] Fudge?
Larry: Flock?
Karen Antonelli: Back?
Cee Lo: [ thinking ] Pussy!
Larry: Ah! No! You can’t say that!
Cee Lo: Well, you can say it if you mean “cat”.
Keith: Is that what you meant?
Cee Lo: [ chuckling ] No!
Karen Antonelli: Okay, I’ve had it! [ she picks up the phone ] Can I please have the FCC? [ to the men ] It’s time someone stands up to them.
Keith: Go, Karen.
Larry: We’re getting angry.
Karen Antonelli: [ into the phone ] Hello, Julius? This is Karen Antonelli, and I want to talk to you about a little something called “Free Speech”. Because I work with an artist who wrote a piece of art. And he is going to perform it the way it is meant to be performed! And YOU can’t stop him! [ she waits ] Uh-huh… Yeah… Right… Sure… Sure… Great! Thank you! [ she hangs up ]
Larry: What’d they say?
Karen Antonelli: They’re going to let him say “FORGET” on national television!
Larry & Keith: YES!!
Karen Antonelli: Ladies and gentlemen — Cee Lo Green!
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 36: Episode 12
]]>
Air Date:Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:Cameos:Bit Players:
January 15th, 2011
Gwyneth Paltrow
Cee-Lo Green
None
Pee Wee Herman
Anderson Cooper
None Fox News: Embracing Civility
Summary: Greta Van Susteren (Kristen Wiig) and fellow Republican pundits make a slight effort to put aside heated rhetoric while discussing politic viewpoints that differ from their own, until they’re baited by James Carville (Bill Hader) and Rachel Maddow (Abby Elliott).
Recurring Characters: Greta Van Susteren, Glenn Beck, James Carville, Rachel Maddow.
Montage
Gwyneth Paltrow’s Monologue
Summary: Fancying herself a country music enthusiast after starring in “Country Strong”, Gwyneth Paltrow makes a half-assed effort to join Kenny Rogers (Jason Sudeikis) for a duet of “Islands in the Stream”.
Recurring Characters: Kenny Rogers, Dolly Parton.
NBC
Summary: NBC’s latest round of midseason replacements are crime-dramas focused on obscure pieces of clothing.
Secret Word
Summary: Emcee Lyle Round (Bill Hader) is frustrated when celebrity panelists Mindy Grayson (Kristen Wiig) and Titsy Bismark Dublinson (Gwyneth Paltrow) are unable to grasp the concept of the game without sacrificing their huge egos.
Recurring Characters: Lyle Round, Mindy Grayson.
An SNL Digital Short
Summary: Andy Samberg meets Pee Wee Herman in a bar, goes a wild drinking spree, beats Anderson Cooper with a chair, and is then put to an intervention by their friends for being a bad influence on one another.
Transcript
Bar Mitzvah
Summary: Jacob (Vanessa Bayer) thanks people for attending his rockin’ Bar Mitzvah, which features Jewish-inspired performances from Taylor Swift (Gwyneth Paltrow), Jay-Z (Jay Pharoah), Alicia Keys (Nasim Pedrad), Katy Perry (Abby Elliott), and Cee Lo Green.
Recurring Characters: Katy Perry.
What the Forget!Summary: Cee Lo Green’s record manager (Gwyneth Paltrow) espouses near-obscenities in her quest to lift the FCC’s censoring of his profanely-titled hit single.
Transcript
Cee Lo Green performs “Forget You”
Weekend Update with Seth Meyers
Summary: During “Weekend Update’s Constitution Corner”, Seth Meyers swears the founding fathers would rethink the right to bear arms if they saw the guns of today. Rent Is Too Damn High spokesman Jimmy McMillan (Kenan Thompson) announces his candidacy for the 2012 Republican Party nomination. Vanessa Bayer catches up with Golden Globe nominees at the pre-show party. Garth (Fred Armisen) and Kat (Kristen Wiig) and their songwriter (Gwyneth Paltrow) perform a Christmas trio.
Recurring Characters: Jimmy McMillan, Cher, Garth, Kat.
False HistorySummary: At the Globe Theater in 1594, Shakespearean actors (Taran Killam, Gwyneth Paltrow) perform previews of upcoming plays for a disgruntled crowd.
Note: This sketch was cut from the dress rehearsal of the Anne Hathaway episode earlier in the season.
Transcript
Fresh Prince Lost Episodes
Summary: Will Smith (Jay Pharoah) presents lost episodes of “Fresh Prince of Bel Air” to celebrate the show’s 20th anniversary.
Recurring Characters: Will Smith.
Sportscenter Deportes
Summary: Spanish sports anchors Ramon Zaragoza (Paul Brittain) and Sofia Cortez (Gwyneth Paltrow) use Americanized accents to recite American phrases.
Transcript
Cee Lo Green performs “Bright Lights Bigger City”
Parker/Spitzer Auditions
Summary: Eliot Spitzer (Bill Hader) auditions new co-hosts after the departure of Katherine Parker.
Recurring Characters: Eliot Spitzer, Christiane Amanpour, David Patersen.
GoodnightsTranscript
Dress Rehearsal Cuts
The Dr. Cecil ShowSummary: Because he’s wanted by the police, Dr. Cecil (Kenan Thompson) flees during the taping of his show and runs amok on the streets of New York.
Nashville MeetingSummary: While meeting with Jerry Reed (Jason Sudeikis) to have their record produced, musician (Jay Pharoah) reveals that he’s not really friends with his partner (Gwyneth Paltrow).
Jimmy JohnsonSummary: Jimmy Johnson (Bobby Moynihan) simultaneously promotes Prudential insurance and Extenze male enhancement pills in one all-purpose commercial.
The MikesSummary: A woman (Kristen Wiig) tries to convince her friend (Gwyneth Paltrow) to hire three guys named Mike (Bobby Moynihan, Taran Killam, Paul Brittain).
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 36: Episode 11
10k: Jim Carrey / The Black Keys
A Taste of New York
Emcee
Bill Hader
Audience member 1…..Paul Brittain
Audience member 2…..Abby Elliott
Audience member 3…..Vanessa Bayer
Audience member 4…..Andy Samberg
Musician 1…..Fred Armisen
Musician 2…..Jim Carrey
Musician 3…..Kristen Wiig
Emcee: Welcome to the Cos-Potin lounge in a mid-town area. How many of you are here from out of town? All of you! Wow! What did you guys do today?
Audience Member 1: We went to the Statue of Liberty!
Audience Member 3: We had pizza!
Emcee: Hahahaha! Very nice! Well now we have a special treat for you, this group is from right here in the Big Apple. And they are very authentic, very true to the city. So please say hello to A Taste of New York! A Taste of New York.
Musician 1: Good evening. Ugh, we are A Taste of New York.
Musician 2: Just a taste.
Musician 1: And, ugh, were from an area called between avenue V and avenue C.
Musician 2: Is there anything youd like to hear?
Audience members 3, 4: New York! New York!
Audience members 1, 2: On Broadway!
Musician 1: Okay, yeah were gonna get to those for sure. Were gonna, ugh, start out with this first. 2,3,4. (sing) See my television set, get swiped by a junky. I guess it just got up, and walked away.
Musician 2: And Parco up stairs, threw a chair through a window. The hustlers, like to drink up on the stool.
Musicians 1, 2, 3: So we have a question for you. Can we stay with you? O please?
Musician 1: (speak) Thank you. You guys all having fun in New York?
Audience Member 1: Could you play something a little bit more upbeat?
Musician 2: Absolutely. But we still have quite a few verses of this song. Listen.
Musician 1: (sing) All the junkies on my block, hang out in my stairwell. Some drag queens I know, hang out there, too.
Musician 2: I saw a family of rats, nesting in a baby crib. People on the subway, stare at my scabs.
Musician 3: Walking down the street, with my stockings all red, when I went to the drug store, they called the cops on me.
Musicians 1, 2, 3: So we have a question for you, Can we stay with you? O! Please!
Audience member 4: (speak) Play something else!
Musician 2: Okay, we will! We will! But first, Can we stay with you?
Audience member 4: What?
Audience Member 3: No!
Musician 1: Can we stay with you? Or you? Weve had a very challenging week.
Audience Member 2: No thank you.
Audience Member 1: No!
Musicians 1, 2, 3: (sing) Can we stay with you? Can we stay with you? I said we have a question for you! Can we stay with you? O please?
Musician 2: (sing) We have also noticed that you need a room key to use the bathroom in the lobby.
Musician 1: (speak) So our next song is, ugh, also a question. Its called Can We Use Your Room Key? Were not gonna go in to your room
Musicians 1, 2, 3: (sing) So we have a question for you. Can we use your room key? To use your bathroom.
Submitted by: Connor Cronholm
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 36: Episode 11
10k: Jim Carrey / The Black Keys
Black Swan
Thomas…..Bill Hader
Nina…..Nasim Pedrad
Dancer…..Kristen Wiig
Lily…..Jim Carrey
David…..Taran Killam
(opens with NINA as the Swan)
Thomas: Very good, Nina. Your White Swan is flawless. But my problem is Im not just casting the White Swan. Im also casting the Black Swan. One down South, two rows. Your White Swan, again, is perfect. Your Black Swan is very disappointing.
Nina: Ugh!!! I see.
Thomas: White Swan thumbs up. Black Swan not so much.
Nina: I got it.
Thomas: White Swan sure. Black Swan ew.
Nina: Thomas! (pronounced Ta-ma) Please.
Thomas: Besides, someones Black Swan is far superior.
Nina: Who?! Her?!
(Dancer looks with a crazy look)
Thomas: No! Not her! Her!!!!!!!
Lily: Sorry Im late, I had to go numbers three and four.
Thomas: Its ok, Lily. Warm up.
Lily: O! Im already warm. Im all swampy in my pants.
Thomas: Shes already warm! Isnt she great? Shes so comfortable with her body. She even has two swan wings tattooed on her back.
Nina: I think those are like buffalo wings!
Thomas: Lily! Black Swan, now!
Lily: Get ready to rock, bitches!
Nina: But, Thomas! Thats my role!
Thomas: Nina! I want you to watch her! I want you to learn from! Watch the way she moves, Nina! Shes so persisted but beautiful! Watch, as she becomes the Black Swan! Yes! Yes! She is hungry! Hungry for bread crumbs! Watch as she seduces me! She wants to poses me to control me! She feels nothing! Its passion! Mysterious! Dangerous!
Lily: Hoi! Hoi!
Thomas: Yes! Thats good enough! That dance could seduce me. But no one enjoys seduction more than me the words only straight from a French choreographer.
Nina: But Thomas! I can do it
Thomas: David! David! Let me ask you something! Would you have sex with this woman? What about her, would you have sex with her?
David: Yes! Absolutely I would! Yes!
Thomas: You see, Nina? Must have been un-clear! White Swan is good! Black Swan is bad!
Nina: Yeah, I got it!
Thomas: Because if you dont I have prepared chart. Let me see this chart I made. You can take it home if you want -
Nina: Im not gonna do that!
Thomas: You see, Nina, you are the White Swan, youre innocent, naïve. You must become like the Black Swan. Shes compulsive, she goes to clubs, she does ecstasy.
Nina: I can do this role, Thomas! I know I can!
Thomas: Then theres only one way to decide this. Both of you must dance. Whoever can seduce me will be the Swan Queen!
Thomas: Shes brilliant, see Nina, she stuck her gum in my ear! Ive made my decision. The Swan Queen will be Nina. Because I see something in her.
Lily: Ehhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thomas: Lily! Lily! Because Lily, when you climbed on me, I felt a penis.
Lily: Fine. Im out of here. But just remember. Once you go Black Swan, you never go back swan.
(Closes with LILY as the Swan)
Submitted by: Connor Cronholm
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 36: Episode 11
10k: Jim Carrey / The Black Keys
The Worst of Soul Train
Coughy Robinson…..Bobby Moynihan
Shooting Starr…..Jay Pharoah
Gary St. Marvelous…..Andy Samberg
Maxwell family member…..Kenan Thompson
Triangle Sally…..Kristen Wiig
Ricky…..Nasim Pedrad
Bro-Botix member…..Taran Killam
Bro-Botix member…..Paul Brittain
Ocean Billy…..Jason Sudeikis
DVersity…..Jim Carrey
Announcer 1: The following is a paid advertisement for Time Lifes DVD collection.
Announcer 2: It was the must see, and most important, urban music show ever! It was the hippest group in America. It was the Soul Train!
Coughy Robinson: Hello! Welcome back to our celebration of Soul Train! Im Smokey Robisons white, half-brother, Coughy Robinson. For those of you loved our 8-disc collection, The Best of Soul Train, but werent satisfied with only 120 hours of footage, we are now proud to present The Worst of Soul Train! Featuring all the acts from the 70s and 80s that you tried to forget. Like Shooting Starr, with their song Rheumatoid Arthritis.
Shooting Starr: (sing) I got pain in my joints! Saying ow, ow, ow! I got swelling in my knees saying ow, ow, ow! My arthritis is acting up! Ow! Ow! Ow! Owwww!
Coughy Robinson: (speak) Or how about Disco Blip, Gary St. Marvelous with I Saw You.
Gary St. Marvelous: (sing) And I turned around, there on the ground. I saw you. I just saw my best friend die on the dance floor!
Coughy Robinson: (speak) And dont forget all twenty-six member of the Maxwell family performing there hit Only One Bathroom.
Maxwell family member: (sing) Theres only one bathroom, and theres twenty-six of us! I only get to shower, every other month! Why did my parents keep on having kids? Out house is stinky.
Coughy Robinson: (speak) And maybe youll remember Triangle Sally with her only recorded song I Have a Triangle.
Sally: (She does silly dance moves. She hits the triangle twice.)
Coughy Robinson: Triangle Sally Triangle Sally died halfway through that song. And we did not edit it out. And there are many more non-legends from the 70s and 80s like Daddy Big Hat & Cheryl, Klamydia, Del Newbornz, and Gary Arbramowitz. Plus there are interviews with some of the original Soul Train dancers.
Ricky: What?! Yeah hi!! Ok! Yeah! Hi! Oh! Ok! What?!
Coughy Robinson: And of course there are even worse bands. Like this space-age mess called Bro-Botix.
Bro-Botix member 1: (sing) Does a robot drink champagne?
Bro-Botix member 2: Yes a robot drinks champagne!
Coughy Robinson: (speak) That was the entire song. And if you liked Billy Ocean you will dislike Ocean Billy. With Get Out of My Car and in to My Trunk.
Ocean Billy: (sing) Get out of my car! Get in to my trunk! (shout) I said get in the trunk!
Coughy Robinson: (speak) That guy was a real tick n time bomb. And of course there was the man himself, DVersity, with a magical little number called I Just Need One.
DVersity: (sing) Girl, weve been together, such a long, long time! And when youre near me, my heart does shine. So Ive got to ask before we stop, its a question straight from my heart, can I see one titty? Oh!!! Girl!! Just give me one titty!!!! Oooo!! (speak) I just wanna see one of your tittys girl.
Coughy Robinson: So why wait? Order The Very Worst of Soul Train today! Or theyll kill me!!!
Submitted by: Connor Cronholm
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 36: Episode 11
10k: Jim Carrey / The Black Keys
Psychic
Husband…..Jason Sudeikis
Wife…..Nasim Pedrad
Woman…..Vanessa Bayer
Psychic…..Jim Carrey
[ open on exterior, psychic reading shop ]
[ dissolve to interior, where three people sit around a medium table ]
Husband: I can’t believe we’re actually doing this — paying money to some “psychic”.
Wife: Honey, you said you’d keep an open mind.
Woman: I’m trying to contact my uncle. How about you?
Wife: My father. He passed away last Spring, and… I just wish I could speak to him one last time.
[ suddenly, the psychic appears from behind a curtain ]
Psychic: THAT… [ he wheels forward ] can be arranged. [ he chuckles ] Pardon me, my lateness. I was in the bathroom.
Woman: I didn’t hear a flush.
Psychic: [ ignoring her ] Let’s begin! I’m… Allam Alazambraaaaa! You’ve all lost loved ones, but I commune with the dead! And I channel their spirits.
Husband: Wait a second — do I know you from somewhere?
Psychic: [ he laughs ] Well — in the early Eighties, I was prominent celebrity impressionist Allen Mooch.
Husband: Oh, yeah!
[ the psychic laughs ]
Husband: Yeah, honey, remember? This guy was on “Comic Relief”, like, three times!
Psychic: Four times.
Husband: FOUR times!
Psychic: Yeah, but those days are behind me.
Wife: Whew! Well, it’s good you’re not a comedian any more, because we’re really looking for some answers.
Psychic: Don’t worry — I… am a psychic medium. And I take these grief sances very seriously. Take my hand. [ he extends his hands to the group ]
Woman: [ relunctant ] I didn’t hear a sink, either.
Psychic: [ he wipes his hand on his cloak ] Take my hand.
[ she finally takes his hand, as he gazes into the crystal ball ]
Psychic: [ whispering ] There is a spirit here… There is… a spirit in this room… a man. I can see his face!
Wife: [ excited ] Is it my father?
Psychic: No. It’s… it’s… Show yourself, spirit! It’s none other than… Mr. Jimmy Stewart! [ he breaks into a trance, gasps, then spins around in his chair and becomes Jimmy Stewart as Jefferson Smith: ] “That lady on top of the Capitol Dome — doggonit! That — that lady stands for liberty!”
[ the trance ends ]
Husband: [ excited ] Oh, wow! Wow! That sounded just like Jimmy Stewart!
Psychic: Thank you! He was the spirit that was there.
Wife: Why would… Jimmy Stewart want to contact us?
Psychic: I cannot answer that question. I’m just a humble medium! A vessel! From which they speak.
Wife: Well… can we try to contact my father?
Psychic: Yes. Take my hand. [ he holds out both of his hands ] Oh, hold on. [ he uses his left hand to first scratch his ass, then holds it back out for the woman ] That really itches! Take my hand. [ she relunctantly takes it ] I seeeee a spirit!
Wife: Is it my father?
Psychic: No. Unless your father was… the great… Bilie Holliday!
Husband: No way! No way!
[ the psychic gasps, turns his head and places a white flower upon his head, then returns to his customers ]
Psychic: [ singing as Billie Holiday ] “Nobody’s business… if I doooooo!”
[ the trance ends ]
Husband: Oh, man!
Wife: It’s just that I… REALLY wanted to speak to my father!
Psychic: [ looking into his crystal ball ] I SEE SOMEONE’S FATHER!!
Wife: [ hopeful ] What does he have to say?
Psychic: He wants to talk… about… growing pains.
Husband: Huh?
Psychic: Because he’s TV’s favorite father — Alan Thicke! [ he gasps, spins in his chair, and turns back as Alan Thicke ] “Michael Seaver! If I find out you’ve been cutting class… you can kiss that new Mustang GOODBYE!”
[ the husband is excited, and begins stamping his feet wildly ]
Wife: Wait a minute…
Psychic: [ out of his trance ] WHAT?! Too soon?
Wife: No. I’m pretty sure Alan Thicke is still alive — like… 60% sure.
Husband: That was GREAT!! NO ONE does a THICKE!! Do more spirits!!
Psychic: Miss Piggy’s with us!
Husband: Whoa! Is she?!
Wife: [ skeptical ] The fictional puppet, Miss Piggy?
Psychic: [ breaks into his Miss Piggy voice ] “Oh, Kermie! You are my favorite froggie!”
Husband: Wait, wait — is Kermit here, too?
Psychic: [ blinks his eyes and falls into character ] “I’m afraid so! [ singing ] It’s not easy bein’ green…”
Wife: Stop doing your ACT!
Psychic: [ outraged ] HOW DARE YOU?!! I can’t control spirits!!
Husband: No.
Psychic: Just like YOU can’t control… [ falling into a new character ] Mr. Charles Bronson. [ lifts his head ] “Heeeeeyyy, scumbag! You make me… wanna PUKE!”
Husband: Awesome! Awesome!
Wife: I’m leaving!
[ she stands up and exits ]
Husband: What?! Honey, you’re gonna miss his closer! [ to the psychic ] You were amazing!
[ he reluctantly follows his wife ]
Psychic: Thank you!
Woman: [ still enthusiastic ] Can we try to contact my uncle? You might have heard of him — he was the actor Marlon Brando?
Psychic: Don’t do Marlon! Don’t have a good Brando down!
Woman: [ game anyway ] Well… can you do a Sammy Davis, Jr.
Psychic: [ he scrunches his face ] Let’s just see… let’s see if he’s here. [ he presses his face onto the crystal ball, then lifts his head while holding the crystal ball in front of his eyeball and performs ] “THAT’S where I left that thing! [ singing ] Who can take an eyeball? Dip it in a dream…?”
[ pull back, fade ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 36: Episode 11
10k: Jim Carrey / The Black Keys
Finding Your Power
Zack Twinefeld…..Jason Sudeikis
Ethan…..Andy Samberg
Jessica…..Vanessa Bayer
Garrett…..Jim Carrey
[ open on talk show set ]
Zack Twinefeld: Hello. And welcome to “Finding Your Power”. I’m licensed therapist Zack Twinefeld. And today we are focusing on how self-empowerment can be achieved through healthy confrontation. Now, Ethan — you said you recently had a very intense confrontation with your boss. Can you tell us what happened?
Ethan: Yes. My boss is a real jerk. And I was tired of dealing with it. So I marched into his office, got in his face and said: “You don’t like me, and I don’t care! and if you got a problem with me, that’s on YOU, buddy! You need to BACK OFF and let me do my job!”
Zack Twinefeld: Wow. I bet he was surprised by that.
Ethan: [ chuckling with delight ] Oh, believe me, he was!
Zack Twinefeld: Well, let’s see how it went.
Ethan: [ confused ] What? [ he looks around ]
Zack Twinefeld: We have the security camera footage. Let’s roll it.
[ cut to security camera footage: Ethan, alone in his boss’ office, crying ]
Ethan: Why don’t you like me! Whyyyy? [ sniffling ] I like youuuu! You know? I’m trying to do what you want! And I give you things! You never thank me! And I didn’t have a daaaad — and you KNOW that!! [ he bawls harder ]
[ return to the set ]
Zack Twinefeld: [ stone-faced ] Wow. So, did that change things for you at work?
Ethan: [ a beat ] No, he wasn’t there yet. I just yelled at the desk.
Zack Twinefeld: I see. Well, you sure told his desk.
[ Ethan returns a sarcastic smile ]
Zack Twinefeld: Jessica! I understand you recently confronted your sister about how she treats you.
Jessica: [ smiling ] Yes, Zack! My sister’s a real Martha Stewart type — a perfect mother and wife, and she always makes me feel less than.
Zack Twinefeld: Mmm-hmm. But you spoke your mind, right?
Jessica: I sure did! She started belittling me at Christmas dinner, so I said: “Sherry! Do NOT speak to me in that condescending tone! If you have issues with the way I live MY life, then keep it… to… yourself!”
Zack Twinefeld: [ he raises his eyebrows ] Wow! Bold words.
Jessica: Yeah, well… she needed to hear it!
Zack Twinefeld: Well, we recorded it on our hidden camera. Let’s take a look.’
[ cut to hidden camera footage: Jessica gasping and crying at the dinner table ]
Jessica: Look at me! I’m all alone! I have TWO vibrators! TWO vibrators! Yuo have SO many people who LOVE you! I want your life! Trade with me! TRADE! With! Me!
[ return to the set ]
Zack Twinefeld: Hey, what’d you say at the end there? I couldn’t make it out.
Jessica: I said… “Trade with me.”
Zack Twinefeld: [ smugly ] “Trade with me.” That’s the one! Thank you, Jessica.
[ Jessica hangs her head in shame ]
Zack Twinefeld: Now, Garrett — You recently were on a trip with your wife, and she told you something shocking.
Garrett: Yes, she did. She told me that she was sleeping with another man. We were on a remote mountain in Vermont, where there were no cameras! But I can assure you… I set her straight! [ he smiles with great confidence ]
Zack Twinefeld: Is that right? You really laid down the law?
Garrett: [ triumphantly ] Oh! Yeah! I did! I looked her STRAIGHT in the eye, and I said: “I deserve better. We are done! Now, get the hell… OUT OF MY LIFE!!”
Zack Twinefeld: Incredibly assertive. And how did it feel to take your power back?
Garrett: [ beaming with pride ] Zack… it felt MAGNIFICENT!
[ Zack stares Garrett down uncomfortably, armed with his secret knowledge of the events ]
Zack Twinefeld: Well, we put a camera in your wife’s mouth — let’s roll it!
Garrett: [ stunned ] WHAT?!!
[ cut to hidden mouth-cam footage: Garrett bawling to his wife in the snow ]
Garrett: I can’t believe you don’t love me! Why?! I’m so sorry! I’m so sorry! [ the camera pulls back ] No! No, don’t leave! Don’t leave! [ the mouth closes and re-opens ] Don’t leeeeeave!! [ the camera pulls back farther and father ] I’ll stop eating! I’ll die of starvation, and THEN you’ll see!! [ he throws himself down into the snow and writhes maniacally ]
[ return to the set ]
Zack Twinefeld: [ grinning ] Sounds like you set her straight! From what I could, you know, hear through your sobbing.
Garrett: Hey — we’re still together! And the guy she’s seeing is pretty cool, so —
Zack Twinefeld: Well, how nice for you! Good work, everyone! We’ll see you next time. Good night!
[ fade ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 36: Episode 11
10k: Jim Carrey / The Black Keys
Jim Carrey’s Monologue
…..Jim Carrey
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Jim Carrey!
Jim Carrey: Thank you! Thank you! How ’bout those Jets, New York? [ the audience cheers ] Yeah! It’s great to be back! Who’s up for an AMAZING New Year? [ the audience cheers ] Who thinks 2011… will be the best year EVER!! [ the audience cheers ] Who thought 2010 was TOTAL CRAP!! [ the audience cheers ] Wouldn’t want to go through that again, huh? [ he laughs maniacally ] What a nightmare! I’m just looking forward, that’s what I’m doing! I’ve always been a very positive person. Except when I’m angry, or depressed, or hungry. Then I can be a real handful. But, tonight, I’m seeing the beauty in everything. Like, right here in front of me — I’m looking at two of the most magnificent breasts I’ve ever seen! Congratulations, Sir!
[ reveal fat white guy in the front row ]
Male Audience Member: Thank you, Jim! Thank you!
Jim Carrey: No problem! No problem! See, THAT’S the kind of positive energy I’m talking about, when I’m hosting… “SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE”!! [ the audience cheers ] Especially considering it’s the very first show of the last year of our existence! Dead birds are falling from the sky. Some people say that’s bad. I say: Arkansas eats free. Yes, sir! I’m bullish on the apocolypse! When life hands you lemons… you make lemonade! You know? When everybody around you bursts into flames, it’s time for S’mores! When the Earth opens up… so will parking spaces! And when I see a river of blood… I go kayaking, mister! But I would wear a condom. It is blood, after all.
[ he licks his lips comically ]
So let’s celebrate this new year TOGETHER! Let’s make this moment count! ‘Cause, frankly — it’s all we got. [ he looks into the audience ] How you doing, Ma’am? [ he steps toward her ] Good, yeah? You doing good tonight? What’s your name?
Female Audience Member: Mindy.
Jim Carrey: Mindy. Mindy. do you want to make this moment here tonight, Mindy, really count?
Female Audience Member: Absolutely!
Jim Carrey: [ kneeling ] Marry me, Mindy. Marry me, and make me the happiest man in the world. Shh! [ he holds his finger to her lips ] Just let me make my case. First of all… I’m Jim Carrey. And you know what that means — mucho dinero! Big bucks! Big bucks! Even with a pre-nup, really. ‘Cause, you know. And if you get pregnant, well, it’s all over! [ he laughs ] So… what’s it gonna be, Mindy? Please! Please say yes!
[ she holds her engagement ring ]
Jim Carrey: [ spurned ] Mindy! Let me see that, let me see that. [ he tries to pry her ring loose ] Oh, my God… I’ll just hold on to these.
[ she shakes her head know and frees her hand ]
Jim Carrey: Okay. Mindy — alright. Well, I guess I’m going to have to wait, aren’t I? [ she nods ] Okay! [ he looks across the aisle ] Come on, dude!
[ Carrey takes the fat guy’s hand and leads him up to Home Base ]
Jim Carrey: What’s your name?
Male Audience Member: Bob!
Jim Carrey: Bob. [ to the audience ] This is Bob, my new life partner!
[ Bob holds a thumbs-up ]
Jim Carrey: Thanks for nothing, Mindy! We’ll see you! Black Keys, come on back! We’re gonna go backstage now — we’re gonna consummate.