Category:

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 2

09c: Drew Barrymore / Regina Spektor

Drew Barrymore’s Monologue

…..Drew Barrymore
Actor…..Bobby Moynihan
Ethel Barrymore…..Kristen Wiig
John Barrymore…..Bill Hader
Gertrude Barrymore…..Abby Elliott
Cecil Barrymore…..Andy Samberg
Darius Barrymore…..Kenan Thompson
Girl #1…..Jenny Slate
Girl #2…..Nasim Pedrad

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Drew Barrymore!

Drew Barrymore: Thank you! Wow! Hi, everybody! Thank you, thank you, thank you! Thank you! It is SO great to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live”. I first got the opportunity to host the show in 1982, when I was seven years old. [ a quick still shot of that episode’s Goodnights ] Yeah! And, tonight, which is my sixth show, which means I’ve hosted more than any other woman in “Saturday Night Live”‘s history. [ the audience cheers ] Pretty wild, huh? WOW!!

I am always THRILLED to be on a stage, too. [ entering Valley-talk mode ] It’s, like, in my DNA! You see, I am so honored to come from a family of great stage actors who performed on Broadway just blocks from here. It was such a magical feeling. We actually have some super-rare footage of my Great Aunt Ethel Barrymore performing at the Lyson Theater in Henry Ibsen’s “A Doll’s House”.

[ cut to rare clip ]

Actor: How unreasonable and how ungrateful you are, Nora! Have you not been happy here?

Ethel Barrymore: [ in Valley-speak ] You see, Torvald… at first, I thought I was happy… but it has never been so-oh! That is what our marriage has been, Torvald. [ she bows ]

[ return to Drew at Home Base ]

Drew Barrymore: She was so spesh-ull! My grandfather, John Barrymore, appeared on Broadway in the role of Hamlet. Oh! And we have some film of that, too! It RAWKS!

[ cut to rare clip ]

John Barrymore: [ feyly ] To sleep… perchance to dream… ay, there is the rub. For in that sleep of death, what dreams may come. I mean, right, you guys? This ROCKS!![ return to Drew at Home Base, laughing ]

Drew Barrymore: Oh, my God! I am seriously inspired by their performances! There were also some less famous Barrymores, who were equally as talented. I have another clip from a film, starring my British cousins Gertrude and Cecil Barrymore. It’s 1945’s “Nightfall in Normandy”. Oh! Fun fact: This film was written by another cousin, BARRY Barrymore!

[ cut to film clip, black-and-white wartime scene ]

Gertrude Barrymore: [ in Valley-speak ] I am SO stoked being nursing all these soldiers right now! They are all just, like, so wound-ad… and… awe-some!

[ a shot rings out ]

Cecil Barrymore: [ in Valley-speak ] I was just shot! I saw the bullet coming, and I was just, like, YES! [ he falls to the ground ]

Gertrude Barrymore: You are SUCH a free spirit!

[ return to Drew at Home Base ]

Drew Barrymore: She WAS… such… a free spirit! There were so MANY Barrymores — ones I didn’t even KNOW about! For example, I only recently found out that I’m related to the great 70’s Blaxploitation star, Darius Barrymore.

[ cut to film clip of pimp and two girls ]

Darius Barrymore: You guys are both total girl-power goddesses! But if you don’t give me my money, I WILL slice you!

[ return to Drew at Home Base ]

Drew Barrymore: [ chuckling ] That was spectacular! Oh! And the hookers? Also played by Barrymores! And they were also… HOOKERS!

We have got a GREAT show for you tonight. The lovely Regina Spektor is here. So, stick around… [ she twirls ] we’ll be right back! [ she bows and nearly trips from the stage ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 2

09c: Drew Barrymore / Regina Spektor

Goodnights

…..Drew Barrymore

Drew Barrymore: Hi! I just want to say “Thank you!” to Regina Spektor, my dear old friend! The wonderful Justin Long! And to say that Kristen Wiig is INCREDIBLE in “Whip It”, and I LOVE her, and I LOVE you guys, and I want to say that, Lorne and Marci, you made my dream come true tonight. Thank you so very much. [ she thrusts her arms high ] YEEEEEEAAAAAHHHHH!!!!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 2

09c: Drew Barrymore / Regina Spektor

Gilly

Mr. Dillon….Will Forte
Liam….Bobby Moynihan
Sam….Kenan Thompson
Paula….Abby Elliott
Gilly….Kristen Wiig
Gigli….Drew Barrymore

[Opens with a shot of Bridgewater Elementary school. Cut to Mr. Dillon’s classroom]

Mr. Dillon: All right, children. Settle down. Now, before our class begins I’d like to apologize for all of my tears yesterday. My mother let it slip that she didn’t find me attractive. And I told her—[an object crashes behind Mr. Dillon barely missing him] What the–??!! Hey, all right. Who just tried to hit me with a sizable scoop of chubby monkey hubby ice cream? Was it you Liam?

Liam: No, Mr.Dillon! It wasn’t me! I was busy trying to forget last night when my grandma tucked me in and her dentures fell out and her wig fell off and everything went crazy in my face! Oh, gosh!

Mr. Dillon: Was it you, Sam?

[Sam has both arms broken, casts are joined at the hip by braces]

Sam: Um, let me see. [motions stiffly left, then right] No, I don’t think so.

Mr. Dillon: Paula, did you alley hoop the scoop?

Paula: Mr. Dillon! No! But do I know who did?! Of course! Hello?! It was Gilly! [points at Gilly]

[Gilly smiles mischievously, big frizzy hair with big bow on top of afro]

Mr. Dillon: Gilly-y-y?

[Nothing from Gilly]

Mr. Dillon: Gilly?

Gilly: What?

Mr. Dillon: Gilly, did you launch a generous scoop of premium ice cream at me?

Gilly: Sorry.

Jingle: Her name is Gilly and she’s at it again, causing lots of ruckus like a barnyard hen, she’s always lots of trouble, her head is like a bubble, knock-knock, who’s there? It’s Gilly.

[Gilly does spastic moves to the tune of the jingle. Poses. Gilly logo]

Gilly: Let’s do it.

Mr. Dillon: Now, just before class I was told our foreign exchange student has arrived all the way from Italy. Now remember, her English may not be to–oh!![exchange student is next to Mr. Dillon and he gets startled. She looks just like Gilly, except that her bow on top of her frizzy haired afro has the colors of the Italian flag] Oh-oh.

Gigli: Bon giornio.

[Gilly looks confused]

Mr. Dillon: Well, welcome. Gigli, is it? Why don’t you go stand by Paula and watch as the other kids show their art projects.

[Gigli pushes Liam from the back and stands next to him]

Liam: Hey! She pushed me!

Gigli: ‘Scusi

[Gilly and Gigli exchange friendly looks]

Mr. Dillon: All right, Liam. Why don’t we start with you? I believe you were going to make a sock puppet?

Liam: Oh-oh. I think I got confused. I made socks for a puppet. [holds up tiny socks] Oh, Gosh!

Paula: Hey! Someone help!

[Paula has her face punched through a painting of a giraffe]

Mr. Dillon: All right. Who punched Paula’s face through her weird giraffe painting? Was it you, Liam?

Liam: No! I was just looking at my lunch bag and I realized grandma must have packed it for me, oh gosh! [shows a sandwich with dentures in them]

Mr. Dillon: Sam?

Sam: Well, yesterday a fly walked around my face for like, 30 minutes. And I couldn’t do nothing about it. So, no. I did not.

Mr. Dillon: Well, I don’t know who could have done this.

Paula: Mr. Dillon! O-M-G! It was Gigli and Gilly! [points]

Mr. Dillon: Gilly, did you do this to Paula?

Gilly: Sorry.

Mr. Dillon: Gigli?

Gigli: Mi dispache.

Gilly: She said sorry.

Mr. Dillon: Girls, we’ll discuss this later. Now, Sam, let’s move on top you.

Sam: Well, as you know my options are limited because my arms are broken. So, I just ate bits off this wheel of cheddar cheese until it looks like a clipper ship. [shows the cheese boat]

Mr. Dillon: Mmm, it’s just ok. Hey, what is that whimpering sound? Liam, you’ve been socked!

[Liam has a sock stuck in his head, he circles directionless]

Mr. Dillon: Ok, who stretched out Liam’s tiny puppet socks over his face? Was it you, Liam? [Liam circles disoriented] Sam?

Sam: Oh, I would like to harm everyone in this room. But here is the situation. My brother had to zip my pants this morning.

Mr. Dillon: Paula? Was it you?

[Exasperated Paula points to both Gigli and Gilly]

Mr. Dillon: Gill-y-y-y?

Gilly: What?

[Gigli is serving Gilly a glass of wine]

Mr. Dillon: Gigli, is that wine?

Gigli: Si.

Mr. Dillon: Put that away! It’s not lunch yet. All right, now did you girls puppet socked Liam’s face? Gilly-y-y?

Gilly: What?

Mr. Dillon: Gigli?

Gigli: Que cosa?

Mr. Dillon: Gilly?

Gilly: That’s me.

Mr. Dillon: Gigli?

Gigli: Si.

Mr. Dillon: Gilly-y-y?

Gilly: What’s up?

Mr. Dillon: Gigli?

Gigli: Spaguetti.

Mr. Dillon: Ok, that is it. I’ve had it up to here with you two. I’m going to write you up. Hey!

[Gigli and Gilly are smoking cigarettes]

Mr. Dillon: Stop that! Now put out those cigarettes immediately! Gilly?

Gilly: You got it. [puts out cigarette on wine glass]

Mr. Dillon: You too, Gigli.

Gigli: Prego.

[Gilly gives Gigli a can to put out her cigarette]

Mr. Dillon: Now, there are no more interruptio—

[BANG! explosion. Sam, Liam and Paula are in shock covered in black soot. Gigli’s afro is on the floor, smoke rises from it, that’s all that is left of her]

Mr. Dillon: Gilly? Did you explode Gigli by tricking her into putting her cigarette out in a can of flammable paint thinner?

Gilly: Sorry.

All: Gilly-y-y-y!

Jingle: Knock-knock, who’s there? It’s Gilly.

Gilly: Arrivedercci.

[cheers and applause]

[fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 3

09c: Drew Barrymore / Regina Spektor

Debbie Turner Book Signing

Debbie Turner…..Drew Barrymore
Employee…..Jason sudeikis
Woman…..Nasim Pedrad
Hamilton…..Will Forte

[ open on exterior, Barnes & Nobles ]

[ dissolve to exterior, Debbie turner reading from her book, “Living With the Devil” ]

Debbie Turner: “…He said goodbye, adjusted his designer sunglasses, and then the elevator doors closed. That was the last time I ever saw his soft, long, blond hair, or heard his sweet, smokey voice. Hamilton was gone.”

[ light applause from the small crowd ]

Employee: That was wonderful. Wonderful. I mean, people don’t usually read the entire book at a book reading, but, uh… no complaints here. It was certainly a fascinating story. Thank you. [ to the crowd ] Uh — any questions for Miss Turner?

Woman: Yes. If it was such an unhealthy relationship, why did you stay with him for so long?

Debbie Turner: I had questions about Hamilton from the beginning, but I was so… physically attracted to him, that I just couldn’t end it.

Employee: Yeah. Yeah, we’ve all been there. Uh — any other questions?

Hamilton: [ softly ] I… have a question.

Debbie Turner: Hamilton?

Hamilton: What… if a man… realized he made a mistake… and he needed your love to survive?

Debbie Turner: Hamilton… what are you doing here?

Hamilton: I’m here… because I love you. I want to be with you in a spectacular way.

Debbie Turner: It’s too late.

Hamilton: Is it? Or is it… not too late? Is it, possibly, early?

Debbie Turner: No, it’s too late.

Hamilton: Love me again, for I have changed. I’ve learned how to love, and I love how it feels. It’s like I jumped off a bridge, and into a huge ocean of love. And all of the fish are kissing my toes. Even sharks are smiling and happy, making love to what was once their prey.

Debbie Turner: [ aggravated ] It’s easy to say that you’ve changed, because you say that ALL the time!

Hamilton: And yet, I say it again. This time you WILL take my word for it, or else!

Debbie Turner: Is that a threat?

Hamilton: [ sincere ] Yes, my love.

Debbie Turner: You are unbelievable! Look, there are so many things that you have to change, I don’t know where to start.

Hamilton: Start towards the end.

Debbie Turner: [ shaking her head ] Well… your Hummer. I think you know how I feel about that thing.

Hamilton: I’ve already sold it… and I have a new car. It’s a bigger Hummer. You’re going to love it!

Debbie Turner: And your creepy bayonet collection?

Hamilton: I will get rid of my bayonets. I will bury them in the chests and bellies of those who would assail this great country with their Communist and Socialist agendas. Health care is not a right, but a privilege of the pure-blooded. It is not to be wasted on the jewelers and the food cart vendors, the laundry folders, the busboys, and nail salon workers. For those, death is a necessary part of the life cycle, and I will gladly help them on their way.

Woman: [ interrupting ] Can I make a quick comment here? [ to Debbie ] I don’t mean to criticize you as a writer, but you did NOT so justice to his looks! [ she smiles up at Hamilton ]

Hamilton: You like what you see?

Employee: [ jumping in ] Uh, for the record, I also like what I see!

Hamilton: That’s fine…

Debbie Turner: You guys! Don’t fall for it, okay? He’s just using his looks to SUCK YOU IN!! Hamilton, this is NOT going to work! When I first saw you, I fell HARD! It’s true. But then I realized that you were not there to STOP that book burning, but, rather than, to make sure that it rna smoothly!

Hamilton: Whether you know it or not… I’m a different person. I’ve joined a gymnasium. And I’m using toilet paper now.

Debbie Turner: [ she sighs ] Well, as I said… it’s too late.

Hamilton: Maybe that’s the case. But, can I say one last thing?

Debbie Turner: Fine. But it’s not going to make a difference.

Hamilton: In the words of the Black singer, Usher: “I wanna make love in this club… in this club…”

Debbie Turner: Our song?

Hamilton: [ as he steps closer ] “…in this club… in this club. I wanna make love in this club…”

Debbie Turner: This is not fair!

Hamilton: “…in this club… in this club…”

Debbie Turner: You son of a BITCH!!

Hamilton: “…in this club… in this club…”

Debbie Turner: [ unable to stop herself ] What are you doing to me?

Hamilton: “I wanna make love in this club…”

Debbie Turner: [ swooning ] I’m falling for you again!

Hamilton: “…in this club…”

Debbie Turner: Oh, God!

Hamilton: “…in this club…”

Debbie Turner: Fine! Fine! Let’s just do it! Just tell me where.

Hamilton: On this table.

Debbie Turner: Okay!

Hamilton: [ nods towards Woman ] With this woman.

Debbie Turner: Okay!

Woman: [ eager to participate ] Okay!

Hamilton: [ nods toward Employee ] And this dude.

Debbie Turner: Okay!

Employee: [ also eager ] Yeah! Yeah!

[ Debbie shoves the books off the table, jumps up on her backside and thrusts her legs apart ]

Debbie Turner: Come on!

Hamilton: “I wanna make love in this club…” — maybe wider?

[ as everyone grabs a hold of one another, fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 3

09c: Drew Barrymore / Regina Spektor

Cooking Al Fresco

Phil O’Brien…..Andy Samberg
Fran Jones…..Drew BarrymoreMbr>Guy Fieri…..Bobby Moynihan

[ open on rooftop setting of cooking show ]

Phil O’Brien: Hello, and welcome to the very first episode of “Cooking Al Fresco”. I’m Phil O’Brien.

Fran Jones: And I’m Fran Jones. And we’re coming to you, live, from the roof of the Hammershill Building in beautiful New York City! I think I can see Connecticut from here!

[ they laugh hysterically ]

Phil O’Brien: GREAT joke, Fran! So, for those of you who don’t know: “Al Fresco” is Italian for “in the fresh air.”

Fran Jones: And that’s where we’ll be doing all of our cooking! So move over, birds! ‘Cause it’s OUR roof now!

Phil O’Brien: [ laughing ] 2 for 2 on the jokes! Well, we’ve got a GREAT show for you today! Joining us in a bit, from the Food Network: Guy Fieri!

[ cut to Guy Fieri, chuckling wildly as he holds an entire piineapple-ham in his hands ]

Guy Fieri: Today, we’re talking HAM HOCKS!! So get ready to ROCK OUT… with your HOCK OUT!! [ he laughs maniacally ] FULL THROTTLE!!! [ he then begins to chew on the ham ]

[ return to Phil and Fran ]

Fran Jones: Great! But, first, we’re gonna kick things off with a classic: Chicken Parmegean.

Phil O’Brien: Mmm! Tell us more, Fran.

Fran Jones: Well, fresh chicken is very important, but the REAL secret is in the bread crumbs!

Phil O’Brien: That’s right! So we’ve got TONS of day-old bread here. We’re just gonna put this down and really get into it. So, we —

[ suddenly, a flock of birds descends onto the set to collect the exposed bread crumbs ]

[ Phil and Fran screanm, then attempt to offer the bread crumbs to the attacking birds ]

[ cut to “Be Right Back” slide ]

[ return to Phil and Fran sans birds, but still catching their breath after the attack ]

Phil O’Brien: Okay!

Fran Jones: A lot of excitement here on the first day!

Phil O’Brien: Oh, yeah… the kids’ll like that on the You Tube!

[ they laugh ]

Fran Jones: You Tube!

Phil O’Brien: Is everybody okay? Guy Fieri, you okay?

[ cut to Guy Fieri holding a hot dog ]

Guy Fieri: Looks like THIS show… is FOR THE BIRDS!! [ he laughs maniacally ] Relax, the two of you’s! I’m just messin’ with you! HOT DOG!! [ he shoves the full hot dog into his face ]

[ return to Phil and Fran ]

Phil O’Brien: [ laughing ] Oh, Guy! Well, hopefully, those birds have filled up on the bread, alright? So let’s skip the bread crumbs for now, and move onto something a little safer: marianara sauce.

Fran Jones: Good idea! [ she grabs a bottle ] Mmm, marinara sauce. Now, a lot of the jars that marinara sauce comes in —

[ as she pops the lid, the birds once again descend upon the set ]

Phil O’Brien: Oh, my God!! They did not fill up on bread!! What are they doing?!

Fran Jones: They’re dipping the bread in the sauce!!

Phil O’Brien: They’re dipping the bread in the sauce!!

[ cut to close-up of the birds dipping bread in the sauce with their long, outstretched claws ]

Phil O’Brien: Aghh, they love it!! Aghhh!!

[ cut to “Be Right Back” slide ]

[ return to Phil and Fran sans birds, hair askew ]

Phil O’Brien: Okay…

Fran Jones: They’re gone!

Phil O’Brien: You know what? no more food until we figure this out, alright? Let’s just move on to our guest.

Fran Jones: That’s good… You still there, Guy?

[ cut to Guy Fieri, visible wires attached to his backside ]

Guy Fieri: I sure am, you two-lios! We’re gonna do this… CAJUN-STYLE!!

[ Guy Fieri places a straw hat on his head ]

[ suddenly, the birds descend upon Guy Fieri, who begins trying to punch the birds off of him ]

[ return to Phil and Fran ]

Fran Jones: The birds have got Guy Fieri!

Phil O’Brien: They saw his hat!! They must think he’s a scarecrow!! Guy!! Get out of there, Guy!!

[ cut back to Guy Fieri, as the wires begin to lift him off the ground to make it look like the birds are carrying him away ]

[ cut to “Be Right Back” slide ]

[ return to Phil and Fran sans birds, near paralyzed ]

Fran Jones: To anyone who is listening… the birds have taken Guy Fieri…

Phil O’Brien: Call the National Guard… Guy Fieri is missing.

[ no he’s not — his clothed skeleton drops onto the set ]

Phil O’Brien: Never mind.

[ cut to title card ]

Announcer: Join us next week on “Cooking Al Fresco”, when we will be… cancelled!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 3


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:

October 10th, 2009

Drew Barrymore

Regina Spektor

None

Justin Long

John Lutz

A Message From the President of the United StatesSummary: President Barack Obama (Fred Armisen) gloats about winning this year’s Nobel Peace Prize.

Recurring Characters: President Barack Obama.

Transcript

Montage

Drew Barrymore’s MonologueSummary: After breaking the record for most times a woman has hosted the show, Drew Barrymore presents vintage clips of her prestigious acting family in action.

Transcript

GillySummary: Gilly (Kristen Wiig) and foreign exchange student Gigli (Drew Barrymore) wreak multicultural havoc in the classroom.

Recurring Characters: Gilly, Mr. Dillon, Sam Jeffers, Liam.

Transcript

Celebrity Ghost StoriesSummary: Various lowball celebrities recall ghost sightings.

Recurring Characters: Billy Bob Thornton, Sharon Osbourne.

University of WestfieldSummary: Academically-challenged and/or lazy people can now acquire a degree from a prestigious university, as long as they don’t tell anyone about it.

Transcript

La Rivista Della Televisione con Vinny VedecciSummary: Vinny Vedecci (Bill Hader) interviews Drew Barrymore about her directorial debut.

Recurring Characters: Vinny Vedecci, crew members, Vinny’s son.

Transcript

Regina Spektor performs “Eet”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: James Carville (Bill Hader) comments on Republican opposition to President Obama’s Nobel Peace Prize win. Scrooge McDuck (Andy Samberg) comments on the rising value of gold. Maya Angelou (Kenan Thompson) recites poetry to counter death rumors.

Recurring Characters: James Carville, Maya Angelou.

Tampax to the Max Tournament of Champions 1991Summary: Commentators Pete Twinkle (Jason Sudeikis) and Greg Stink (Will Forte) keep the tampon sponsorship flowing in lieu of focusing on billiards match between Greta Milwaukee (Kristen Wiig) and Nina Wilkes Booth (Drew Barrymore).

Cooking Al FrescoSummary: Rooftop cooking by co-hosts Fran Jones (Drew Barrymore) and Phil O’Brien (Andy Samberg) is interrupted by a flock of bread-hungry birds.

Recurring Characters: Guy Fieri.

Transcript

Larry King LiveSummary: Larry King (Fred Armisen) discusses celebrity weiner dos and donts with a panel of experts.

Recurring Characters: Larry King.

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Brenda (Drew Barrymore) and Shaun (Drew Barrymore) will provide entertainment any time at any place.

Transcript

Regina Spektor performs “The Calculation”

Debbie Turner Book SigningSummary: At a book signing, Debbie Turner (Drew Barrymore) reads her book based on a troubled romantic relationship with the manipulative Hamilton (Will Forte), who then shows up begging her to come back to him.

Summary: Hamilton.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Polanski PetitionSummary: Filmmakers try to decide what to do about Roman Polanski.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 2

09b: Ryan Reynolds / Lady Gaga

An SNL Digital Short

…..Andy Samberg
Salesman #1…..Bobby Moynihan
Salesman #2…..Bryan Tucker
Girlfriend…..Jenny Slate
…..Ryan Reynolds
…..Elijah Wood

Andy Samberg: [ singing ]
I was walkin through the city streets
and a man walks up to me and hands me the latest energy drink
Run faster. Jump Higher.
Man, I’m not gonna let you poison me.

I threw it on the ground!
You must think I’m a joke!
I aint gonna be part of this system!
Man, pump that garbage in another mans veins!

I go to my favorite hot dog stand
and the dude says, you come here all the time! Heres one for free.
I said, Man, what I look like, a charity case?

I took it, and threw it on the ground!
I dont need your handouts!
I’m an adult!
Please, you cant buy me hot dog man!

At the farmers market with my so-called girlfriend
She hands me her cellphone, says it’s my dad.
Man, this aint my dad. This is a cellphone!

I threw it on the ground!
What you think I’m stupid?
Im not a part of this system!
My dad’s not a phone! Duh!

Some poser hands me a cake at a birthday party
What you want me to do with this, eat it?
Happy birthday to the ground!
I threw the rest of the cake too!
Welcome to the real world, jackass!

So many things to throw on the ground
Like this, and this, and that. And even this.
I’m an adult!

Two Hollywood phonys trying to give me their autograph.
Ground! Nobody wants your autograph! Phonys!

Then the two phonys got up. Turns out they had a taser.
And they tased me in the butt hole.
I fell to the ground.
The phonys didnt let up.
Tasing on my butt hole, over and over.
I was screaming and squirming
My butt hole was on fire!

The moral of this story is: you cant trust the system!

Submitted by: Jordan Anderson

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 2

09b: Ryan Reynolds / Lady Gaga

A Message From the President of the United States

President Barack Obama…..Fred Armisen

[ open on Presidential seal ]

Announcer: The following is an address by the President of the United States.

[ dissolve to President Barack Obama seated behgind desk in Oval Office ]

President Barack Obama: Good evening, and congratulations to Rio for getting the 2016 Olympics! And to the Olympic Committee I say, good luck with Rio! [ he smiles, then frowns sourly ]

Now, last year I was elected with a mandate to bring this country change we could believe in. And, as time has passed, it has become clear that this promise is troubling to some people. There are those on the Right who are angry. They think that I’m turning this great country into something that resembles the Soviet Union or Nazi Germany, but that’s just not the case. Because when you look at my record, it’s very clear what I’ve done so far, and that is: [ dramatic pause ] Nothing. Nada. Almost one year, and nothing to show for it.

You don’t believe me? You think I’m making it up? Take a look at this checklist.

[ split-screen, with checklist to Obama’s left ]

Now, on my first day in office — on my first day in office, I said I’d close Guantanamo Bay. Is it closed yet? No.

I said we’d be out of Iraq. Are we? Not the last time I checked.

I said I’d make improvements in the war in Afghanistan. Is it better? No, I think it’s actually worse.

How about health care reform? Hell no.

I even went personally to try and bring the Olympics to Chicago in 2016. It didn’t work out. But, in this case, there’s some good news with the bad: For every person who buys an American car in the next six months, you’re gonna get one of these.

[ he holds up an orange “Chicago 2016” t-shirt ]

Now, I just don’t see why the Right is so riled up. I mean, how do you think the Left feels? They’re the ones that should be mad. Now, I’m sure they thought I would have addressed at least one of the following things by now:

Global Warming: No.

Immigration Reform: No.

Gays in the Military: Nuh-uh.

Limits on Executive Powers: Nope.

Torture Prosecutions: No.

So, looking at this list, I’m seeing two big accomplishments: Jack and Squat. And, remember: I can do whatever I want. I have a majority in both houses of Congress. I could make it mandatory for all gays to marry, and require all cars to run on marijuana. But do I? No!

But it’s not all bad news. I have a few accomplishments. The Cash for Clunkers program really stimulated the economy. Unfortunately, it was the economy of Japan.

Let’s see, what else… uh — also, I killed a fly on TV. Remember that? Uh — I brought a white police officer and a black professor together for a beer. Who else could do that? You’re right — Oprah. But no one else!

So, please, stop saying this country is on the road to socialism. If that were actually the case, I’d be making some real changes. Instead, it took me four months to pick out a dog.

So, all of you frothing Glenn Beck supporters, put away those tri-cornered hats and those photoshopped pictures of me as The Joker; because if I see anymore of this hateful rhetoric, I’m gonna have to take drastic action. [ he pauses dramatically, then smiles and leans back in his chair ] Nah, not really.

Thank you, and: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 2




Amazon.com Widgets

09b: Ryan Reynolds / Lady Gaga

Lady Gaga performs “Paparazzi”

…..Ryan Reynolds
…..Lady Gaga

Ryan Reynolds: Ladies and gentlemen — Lady Gaga.

Lady Gaga: [ singing ]
We are the crowd, we’re c-comin’ out
Got my flash on, it’s true
Need that picture of you
It’s so magical, we’d be so fantastical

Leather and jeans, garage glamorous
Not sure what it means
But this photo of us it don’t have a price
Ready for those flashing light
‘Cause you know that baby, I

I’m your biggest fan, I’ll follow you until you love me
Papa, paparazzi
Baby, there’s no other superstar, you know that I’ll be
Your papa, paparazzi

Promise I’ll be kind
But I won’t stop until that boy is mine
Baby, you’ll be famous, chase you down until you love me
Papa, paparazzi

I’ll be your girl backstage at your show
Velvet ropes and guitars
Yeah, cause you’re my rock star in between the sets
Eyeliner and cigarettes

Shadow is burnt, yellow dance and we turn
My lashes are dry, purple teardrops I cry
It don’t have a price, loving you is cherry pie
Cause you know that baby, I

I’m your biggest fan, I’ll follow you until you love me
Papa, paparazzi
Baby, there’s no other superstar, you know that I’ll be
Your papa, paparazzi

Promise I’ll be kind
But I won’t stop until that boy is mine
Baby, you’ll be famous, chase you down until you love me
Papa, paparazzi

Real good, we dance in the studio
Snap, snap to that shit on the radio
Don’t stop for anyone
We’re plastic but we still have fun

I’m your biggest fan, I’ll follow you until you love me
Papa, paparazzi
Baby, there’s no other superstar, you know that I’ll be
Your papa, paparazzi

Promise I’ll be kind
But I won’t stop until that boy is mine
Baby, you’ll be famous, chase you down until you love me
Papa, paparazzi.”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 2

09b: Ryan Reynolds / Lady Gaga

Ryan Reynolds’ Monologue

…..Ryan Reynolds

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Ryan Reynolds!

Ryan Reynolds: Wow! Thank you! Thank you very much! Oh, my God… I am hosting “SNL”. Wow! [ the audience cheers ] All right! It was a crazy, busy summer for me. I was very, very lucky. I was lucky enough to be in two different movies: “Wolverine” and “The Proposal”. One of these — [ light applause from a few members of the audience ] Thank you very much. [ he continues ] One of these is a superhero movie, and the other is a romantic comedy about Wolverine. Now, the transition from a romantic comedy to a superhero movie is a very, very delicate thing. They have similar elements, but with very different styles.

In both, the main character has a complicated past. In a superhero movie, he’s a scientifically-engineered killing machine from a distant planet. In the romantic comedy, he’s from Cleveland.

They both have villains. In a superhero movie, it’s an evil genius with mutant powers or a freak deformity. In a romantic comedy, it’s Jeremy Piven.

What else? Uh — in a romantic comedy, there’s always a guy who dresses flamboyantly; it’s the gay best friend. In a superhero movie, that will be me.

And it’s amazing, because sometimes the dialogue is virtually identical in both. There’s a subtle difference in tone. Like, if you take the line: “Stay with me.” All right? In one movie, it’s: [ whispery ] “Stay with me.” And, in the other, it’s: [ with teeth clenched ] “STAY WITH ME!!” Now, you don’t want to mix those up, or you will scare the CRAP out of Sandra Bullock.

And, in both movies, there’s a climactic moment in the porung rain, when the hero realizes just exactly what he has to do. Here’s the superhero version:

[ the stage darkens, as a generic guitar riff plays and a silhoette of pouring rain falls upon Reynolds’ face. He grins knowingly and holds up his fist. ]

And… here is the romantic comedy version:

[ same stage lighting and effects as before, but this time Sophie B. Hawkins’ “Damn! I Wish I Was Your Lover” plays in the background ]

Now — were you able to spot the difference? It was the music.

Of course, right now I’m focused on being a superhero because I’m about to start working on the new “Green Lantern” movie, which I’m really excited for. And I think it’s going to be a huge hit because, if there’s one thing that kids love, it’s lanterns. [ the audience laughs ] We, uh — [ he points into the audience ] That guy knows what I’m talking about! We start filming really soon, so look for that in spring 2053.

We got a GREAT show! Lady Gaga is here! Stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts