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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 16


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08p: Alec Baldwin / Jonas Brothers

Weekend Update with Seth Meyers

…..Seth Meyers
Oscar Rogers…..Kenan Thompson
Angelina Jolie…..Abby Elliott
Angie Tempura…..Michaela Watkins
Joaquin Phoenix…..Jason Sudeikis

Announcer: “Weekend Update, with Seth Meyers”.

Seth Meyers: I’m Seth Meyers, and here are tonight’s top stories:

The Senate, on Friday, gave final approval to the $787 billion economic stimulus package. The 1,073-page bill is titled “The American Recovery And Reinvestment Act”. Though, what many see as a troubling sign, it’s subtitled “For Dummies”.

NASA reported that two communications satellites, on Tuesday, collided in orbit, which explains why my OnStar kept screaming, “Save yourself!”

Barack Obama, on Tuesday, became the tenth American president to call on Helen Thomas at a White House press conference. And she asked the same first question she always does: “How will you end slavery?”

In an interview with ESPN, Alex Rodriguez admitted, Monday, that he’s taken steroids, though apparently, never in October.

Seth Meyers: Yesterday, the economic stimulus package was passed by the Senate. Here to comment, is Weekend update’s very own financial expert, Oscar Rogers.

Oscar Rogers: Hello, Seth! How are you, Seth?

Seth Meyers: Hi, Oscar. You seem like you’re in good spirits.

Oscar Rogers: I am, Seth. I really am. You know, I’ve appeared on the show several times, in order to illustrate how we might fix our present economic woes. And I am thrilled to announce that it has been FIXED! Obama and his stimulus plan FIXED IT!

Seth Meyers: Okay, so you’re not worried at all that the stimulus might falter?

Oscar Rogers: Oh, no no no — they FIXED IT!!

Seth Meyers: Okay. But what if…

Oscar Rogers: FIXED IT!

Seth Meyers: Okay.

Oscar Rogers: This influx of money into our economy will FIX IT! And, now, with Valentine’s upon us, we can celebrate and DO IT!

Seth Meyers: What are you talking about?

Oscar Rogers: DO IT! You know… doing it with your valentine. You have a valentine, Seth?

Seth Meyers: No, no. Not at the moment.

Oscar Rogers: Well, you need to FIX THAT! So you can DO IT with your valentine. It’s a three-step process: 1. DO IT! 2. Rest yourself. 3. Do it once more. And, 4. Bag it up and do it again!

Seth Meyers: First of all, that was a four-step process.

Oscar Rogers: I know! I work with numbers.

Seth Meyers: Do you? Let me make sure I understand you correctly. Uh — the economy has been fixed, and now it’s time to have sex?

Oscar Rogers: Oh, I didn’t say that. I said it was time to DO IT! It needs to be dirty. ‘Cause once it’s FIXED, it’s time to DO IT!

Seth Meyers: Oscar Rogers, everyone!

Oscar Rogers: Happy Valentines!

Seth Meyers: While on a goodwill trip to Sierra Leone, actress Salma Hayek nursed another woman’s baby boy. However, the moment was marred when the baby burst.

Hayek said she nursed the boy because she noticed he was hungry. And, in a related story: [ mocks crying ] “Waah!”

Angelina Jolie: Hey, sweet pea.

Seth Meyers: Oh. Angelina Jolie. What are you doing here?

Angelina Jolie: I heard a baby crying.

Seth Meyers: Oh. Okay, well, that was me. It was a joke.

Angelina Jolie: So, is there a baby out here?

Seth Meyers: Uh, no, Angelina. There’s no baby here.

Angelina Jolie: Oh. [ points ] Is that a baby?

Seth Meyers: No, that’s a cameraman.

Angelina Jolie: Well, what’s that he’s holding? Is that a baby?

Seth Meyers: No, no, that’s a camera.

Angelina Jolie: Well, let me know if you see any babies, sugarplum.

Seth Meyers: Okay. So… are you excited about the Oscars?

Angelina Jolie: Bye.

[ she exits ]

Seth Meyers: Bye. Angelina Jolie, everyone.

Federal prosecutors want to send former mayor and current Washington, D.C. Council member, Marion Barry, to jail because they say he failed to file tax returns for 8 of the last 9 years. Barry is expected to plead, “Bitch set me up!”

Dr. Michael Kamrava, the in vitro fertilization specialist, who helped Nadia Suleman conceive eight babies has reportedly impregnated a 49-year-old woman with quadruplets. I don’t know what an appointment with Dr. Kamrava is like, but I imagine it starts a little something like this: [ rubs his hands together in a greedy manner ]

Seth Meyers: As the Oscars approach, coverage and criticism of the various nominees has been ramping up, especially among celebrity bloggers. Here with a no holds barred commentary, from the notoriously snarky website, bitchpleeze.com, blogger Angie Tempura.

[ Angie Tempura appears, sipping from a frozen Starbucks treat ]

Angie Tempura: [ low-key ] Hi, Seth. It’s a thrill to be here.

Seth Meyers: Okay. Alright, Angie, go ahead.

Angie Tempura: Okay. Here’s who’s hot, and who’s definitely not. In Best Supporting Actress: Amy Adams. [ image: Amy Adams with “What’s Up?” and an up arrow drawn on ] As a princess in “Enchanted”, she’s hot. As a nun in “Doubt”, she’s not! Bi-i-i-itch, please!

Speaking of doubt, I doubt Marisa Tomei will win with those B-cups! [ image: Marisa Tomei with circles drawn over her breasts with “B cups” pointing to them ]

[ Angie Tempura snaps her fingers and dances in her seat, then sips her Starbucks ]

Angie Tempura: And, Taraji P. Hanson? [ image: Taraji P. Hanson with “WTF” written over her ] WTF? Is that a name? Or a blood disease?

Seth Meyers: That is pretty critical. Let me just ask: Is blogging your full-time job?

Angie Tempura: No. I do data entry at Kaiser Permanente.

Seth Meyers: Okay. Well, continue.

Angie Tempura: Okay. Best schmactor. Here’s who should win the Oscar the Grouch Award: Brad The Pitts! [ image: Brad Pitt, with “The Pitts” written over him ] For his role in “The Curious Case of Some Old Man Baby”! [ she shakes her body and sips her Starbucks ]

Speaking of old men: Frank Langella, in “Frost/Nixon”. [ image: Frank Langella ] More like: who’s that. and who gives a F?

And don’t get me started on Robert “The Downer” Jr. [ image: Robert Downey, Jr., with circle drawn around his face and “Dumb Face” scribbled next to it ] I hope he doesn’t win anything ever except first placein a human stain contest!

Seth Meyers: Why do you hate these people so much?

Angie Tempura: Because they’re losers.

Seth Meyers: Can I just ask you one thing? Do you know who the president is?

[ she laughs, but doesn’t answer ]

Seth Meyers: And can you find North America on this map?

[ she looks, then just makes noises with her mouth ]

Seth Meyers: And what’s the name of that brown-haired guy on TMZ?

Angie Tempura: Harvey Levin.

Seth Meyers: Alright, that’s enough! Blogger Angie Pempura, everyone. Get out of here. Drink your coffee. Have some coffee.

Colonel Sanders’ handwritten recipe for fried chicken was returned to KFC headquarters in Kentucky this week, after five months in hiding while security around it was upgraded. Spoiler alert: it’s salt, everybody! The secret ingredient is salt!

A homeless man in Florida, who claimed to be the drummer for the rock band Foreigner, allegedly tricked a woman into letting him use her Corvette and then promptly crashed it. Fortunately, he got out of jail in time to make his appearance on Letterman. [ image: Joaquin Phoenix ]

[ Seth turns to discover Joaquin Phoenix seated next to him ]

Seth Meyers: Noooo! Joaquin Phoenix.

[ Phoenix looks at Seth, then just scratches his beard without uttering a word ]

Seth Meyers: So, um… what’s up, man?

[ Phoenix looks down at the floor, then returns his gaze to Seth ]

Joaquin Phoenix: What?

Seth Meyers: Um… so, uh, I-I-I just heard you were quitting acting to pursue a hip-hop career.

Joaquin Phoenix: Yeah. [ no elaboration ]

Seth Meyers: Good for you.

Joaquin Phoenix: Yeah. But now I’m quitting hip-hop… to pursue a telling jokes career.

Seth Meyers: A telling jokes career?

[ Phoenix’s only response is to look up into the rafters ]

Seth Meyers: Lights.

Joaquin Phoenix: [ he looks up again ] Yeah.

Seth Meyers: So, since you’re out here, do you want to tell a joke?

Joaquin Phoenix: [ straightening his cuffs ] Yeah. [ he points toward the camera, until he notices the accompanying image next to his head ] “Tiger woods’ wife gave birth… to the couple’s second child. It’s a baby boy… who came in at 7 pounds, 8 ounces under par.” [ he looks around and smiles ]

[ Seth starts to comment, but Phoenix quickly wheels himself away from the set ]

Seth Meyers: We need better security out here!

Police in Ohio say an 18-year-old ordered more than $37,000 worth of candy online and charged the bill to his former high school. Though, if you’re 18 and the only thing you can think of to spend $37,000 on is candy, maybe a little jail time will do you some good.

Today is Valentine’s Day, so we just want to say to everyone watching at home: Better luck next year!

Seth Meyers: For Weekend Update, I’m Seth Meyers! Good night!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 16

08p: Alec Baldwin / Jonas Brothers

An SNL Digital Short

…..Andy Samberg
…..Jonas Brothers
Wizard…..Bill Hader

(Scene opens with Jonas Brothers on a couch backstage. A door opens and Andy comes in.)

Andy Samberg: Well, hello.

Nick Jonas: Hey, Andy.

Kevin Jonas: What’s up, Andy?

Andy Samberg: What’s up? The jig — the jig is up.

Joe Jonas: (confused look) What are you talking about?

Andy Samberg: I’m talking about your secret. (Confused looks on the Jonas Brothers’ faces) I know what it is. And I have the VHS tape to prove it. (Walks over to put in the tape to find out that there is only a DVD player) Where’s you guys’ VCR?

(7 HOURS LATER)

Andy Samberg: You turds got anything to say before I play this?

(They also shake their heads)

Nick Jonas: No.

Andy Samberg: Ok. (Puts tape into the VCR)

(Shows a 80’s like music video of a band called Property of the Queen. Song title: “Struck by Lightning”)

Lead singer (supposedly Joe): (singing) “I got struck.. by lightningAnd it really hurt!I got struck.. BY LIGHTING!!…And I’m really, really burnt!If you want to know what happened to me, I’ll explain it all in depth.I got struck.. by lighting, BUT I’M NOT DEAD!!!!”

(Back to Andy)

Andy Samberg: Those guys looks familiar, wouldn’t you say?

Nick Jonas: I don’t know what you’re talking about, Andy.

Kevin Jonas: No.

Andy Samberg: This tape is from 1983!

Nick Jonas: Crazy.

Andy Samberg: Shall we watch another one?

(Shows another music video by the same band. Song title: “Africa”)

(Shows a drummer, then two of the three guitar players (Kevin and Nick). The one on the left turns a gazelle into the other guitar player. Shows two guys playing guitar (Nick and Will Forte). The lead singer doing a one arm pushup.)

Lead singer: (singing)”AFRICA, I’VE BEEN TO AFRICA!AFRICA.. I BROKE A SWEAT!”

(End of music video)

Andy Samberg: That’s from 25 years ago.

Nick Jonas: Really holds up.

Andy Samberg: (raises voice) That’s not the point!

(Joe makes a sound that shows that he’s not impressed)

Andy Samberg: What are you….highlanders?

Nick Jonas: Come on, man!

Andy Samberg: Ok.. let’s just watch another one then….just as fans.

(Shows another music video of the same band. Only three of them are present (Kevin, Joe, Nick) Song title: Our Secret. All three of them humming……)

All three of them: (singing) “Everlasting life..”

(Turn their heads and look in the same direction. End of music video)

(Back to Andy)

Andy Samberg: Busted! Just admit it.

Kevin Jonas: None of that stuff proves anything!

Andy Samberg: ONE MORE!

(Last video. Same band. Song title: “Ask the Wizard”. Screen shows a wizard)

(Singing)

Band: “Ask the Wizard!”

Lead Singer: “Dark secret that you’ll never tell……..”

Band: “Ask the Wizard!”

Lead Singer: ” Make a wish and he’ll cast a spell…..”

Band: “Ask the Wizard!”

Lead Singer: “Gonna rock one day on SNL………”

Band: “Ask the Wizard!”

Lead Singer: “Valentine’s Day show 2009!!!!!!!!”

(Screen shows “SNL VALENTINES DAY 2009”. Video ends)

(Back to Andy)

(Andy crossing his arms.)

(Quiet moment for four seconds…)

Nick Jonas: How much money do you want?

Joe and Kevin Jonas: (unison) Shut up. Nick!!

Nick Jonas: He knows.. I’m not gonna throw it all away!!

Andy Samberg: I don’t want your money…. I just wanna know how you stayed so young?

Kevin Jonas: This guy. (Kevin points to the left and the camera turns to the wizard sitting on the couch)

Wizard: (holding a bottle) What up, dude?

Andy Samberg: How are you?

Wizard: Crazy, right.

(End of skit)

Submitted by: Gracie Kudiwu

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 16

08p: Alec Baldwin / Jonas Brothers

Republican Congressional Leadership Meeting

John Boehner…..Dan Aykroyd
Panelist 1…..Darrell Hammond
Eric…..Andy Samberg
Tom…..Jason Sudeikis
Panelist 2…..Kristen Wiig
Dave…..Will Forte

[ open on exterior, Congress ]

[ SUPER: “Republican Congressional Leadership Meeting, Friday 11am” ]

[ dissolve to interior, conference room ]

John Boehner: [ on phone ] Well, please let us know, because we’re all here waiting. [ audience cheers ] Alright, here’s the deal: Pelosi says the Democratic House and the Senate members want to work out their version of the bill, and then show it to us for our input.

Panelist 1: So basically, we’re being cut out.

John Boehner: [ smiling ] Looks that way.

Eric: That’s great!

Tom: Perfect! They’re not letting us participate AT ALL!!

Panelist 2: It’s like we don’t even exist!

Dave: We’re totally powerless! [ high-fives ANS ]

John Boehner: You’re right. It’s just what we hoped for: Complete political irrelevance. Now… when the stimulus bill causes, you know, the economy to go bad, I think we could actually have a bad economy. We get to say, “Don’t blame us. We had nothing to do with it. “We wanted to leave the economy alone.”

Panelist 1: Exactly. Unless I’ve lost my political instincts, that, my friends, is a winning campaign issue.

Tom: Yep! Yep! So barring some miracle, next election we’re back in the majority.

John Boehner: You can take it to the bank.

Panelist 2: I can’t believe he’s playing into our hands like this.

Panelist 1: [ chuckling ] Speaking of playing into our hands, did anyone catch the President’s press conference this week? What a disaster!

Tom: The single most embarrassing public appearance by a U.S. President in history.

Dave: Did you see that first question, where he was asked about the state of the economy, and he proceeds to give a detailed seven-minute answer citing specific figures on unemployment, mortgage default rates, and credit markets… and making the case for government intervention. I’m like, “Okay, what?!”

Panelist 2: Hello! Too much information!

Panelist 1: You had me, then you lost me.

John Boehner: It was painful to watch.

Eric: Yeah, I mean, I actually felt sorry for the guy. I did.

Tom: I-I-I mean, if it was a fight, they would have stopped it.

John Boehner: And, and, and how about when he said, I kid you not, he actually said this: “One thing I’m not going to do is go back to the failed policies of the last eight years.”

Eric: [ guffaws ] Air ball!

Panelist 1: A swing and a miss!

Panelist 2: Definitely not his best moment.

Tom: Yeah! That one rolled foul!

Dave: Sean Hannity had a great line about the press conference. He said, “This is change we can believe in? “Not if you ask me.”

[ everyone laughs uproariously ]

Panelist 2: That is hilarious!

John Boehner: That’s a great line.

Dave: Hannity’s brilliant.

Eric: Yep, smartest man in America.

Tom: Now, wait a minute. Sean Hannity is the smartest man in America?

Eric: [ meekly ] In my opinion, yes.

Tom: [ laughs ] Smarter than Rush?

Eric: I think he’s as smart as Rush.

Tom: No, that’s idiotic! No! No one is as smart as Rush Limbaugh! NOBODY!! [ points his finger ] You need to take that back!

John Boehner: Hey, uh — a man’s entitled to his opinion.

Tom: No, I’m sorry, John, no! Some things are just beyond the pale.

John Boehner: Look, um — as Republicans, we don’t have to agree on everything. You like Rush, Eric here likes Sean, and someone else might like Michael Savage. We’re a big tent party, but at the end of the day we stick together, and that’s the reason we’re on such a hot streak.

Dave: I agree. Our party’s at the top of its game, and that’s why now is the perfect time for impeachment.

[ everyone echoes their agreemnt ]

Dave: We’re united. We’ll get EVERY Republican vote.

John Boehner: I don’t know, Dave. Remember… Obama’s only been president for three weeks.

Dave: I’m telling you, impeaching Obama is a political winner.

John Boehner: No question about that. I just wonder if you’re going to get many Democrats to vote for impeachment.

Dave: I think they will. I mean, after that press conference Monday? [ chuckles and holds his nose ] Pee-yoo!

Panelist 2: He laid an egg with that one.

Tom: Yeah! Yeah!

Dave: Unless I’m very wrong, a lot of democrats we’ll be looking to cut this guy loose. I mean, for them, impeachment is the smart move.

John Boehner: My gut tells me it’s too soon. Maybe in April.

Eric: Well, can we at least raise the issue of the White House sleep-overs?

John Boehner: Refresh my memory.

Panelist 1: The President said recently that his daughters will be inviting their friends over to the White House for sleep-overs.

John Boehner: Oh.

Dave: Look, it’s a dynamite issue! I mean, we’re talking about God knows how many 7 to 10-year-old girls staying over at the White House, wandering around, causing who knows how much wear and tear on the carpeting? I mean, to say nothing of the increased utility bills and the cost of the snacks involved? I mean, why should the American taxpayer be footing the bill for this madness?

Eric: Yeah. And, you know, unless I’m politically tone-deaf, the whole country is waiting to see those Obama kids taken down a peg. [ chuckles ] Especially the younger one.

John Boehner: I agree. Going after the Obama girls is political gold. But it’s got to be done very carefully. I’ll tell you why. Otherwise, there’s a chance it could be counter-productive. [ his phone rings ] Hang on. [ picks up ] Boehner. Ah. No, I see. Thank you for calling. [ hangs up ] That was Pelosi. They’re nowhere near finished, so they decided to adjourn for today.

Panelist 1: The entire Washington press corps is outside. What are we supposed to talk about?

Eric: How about the sleep-overs? It’s the perfect time.

[ everyone agrees ]

John Boehner: Young man, I like your instincts. Let’s do it!

[ everyone adjourns the room, except for DAH ]

[ Boehner steps back in a moment later with a poster of the Obama daughters that reads “Where’s The Outrage?” ]

John Boehner: Majority, here we come!

Panelist 1: Oh, and before I forget… “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 16

08p: Alec Baldwin / Jonas Brothers

High-Profile Project

Carl…..Will Forte
Jerry…..Bill Hader
Troy…..Alec Baldwin

[ open on exterior, office building ]

[ dissolve to interior, conference room ]

[ Carl enters, joining Troy and Jerry ]

Carl: Troy, Jerry… so sorry to keep you waiting. I was on the conference call from HELL!

Jerry: I’ve been there, Carl. Don’t worry about it. I knew this was a tough day for you and Troy.

Troy: And, with all of our hectic schedules, I’m just happy we were able to find a day that worked for all of us.

Carl: Yeah, well, thanks for understanding. [ into intercom ] Carol, hold my calls.

Troy: Uh, hey — before we start, maybe we should pick a date for our next meeting, so we can get that out of the way.

Carl: That’s a great idea, Troy. We’re going to be buried up to our chin straps once we get goingon this high-profile project. Let’s see… [ consults his appointment book ] How is Monday for you guys?

Jerry: Monday is no good for me. I’m getting my teeth cleaned.

Troy: Yeah, I’ve got to take my car into the shop for an oil change. Hw about Tuesday?

Carl: Well, Tuesday’s no good for me. I’ve got to get fitted for a new toupee. This one doesn’t quite give me the coverage I was hoping for. How about, uh… [ consults his appointment book ] Wednesday?

Jerry: I can’t do Wednesday. I’ve got to pick up my aunt and bring her across town. It’s not going to be easy. She weighs 400 pounds.

Carl: Aw, dammit! This is gonna be harder than I thought. [ into intercom ] Carol, hold my calls! Okay, uh… [ consults his appointment book ] How about Thursday?

Troy: Uh, I can’t do Thursday. I’m going to a bris. I’m kind of nervous. Hope it doesn’t hurt as much as my first one. Uh… [ consults his appointment book ] How about Friday?

Jerry: No, I’m having a cat tail sown on my upper butt so my little daughter will want to play with me.

Troy: She likes cats?

Jerry: I sure hope she does.

Carl: Well, I hate to work on weekends, but, again, this is a high-profile project, and we’re going to be buried up to our chinstraps. [ into intercom ] Carol, hold my calls! Uh — so, uh — what do you have on Saturday?

Troy: I’m out for Saturday. I got to tell my son he’s gay. I don’t imagine he and his wife are going to take it very well. Sunday?

Carl: Ah… I don’t know. How long does an autopsy take?

Jerry: Generally 4 hours.

Carl: Well, let’s see… four times five… Nah! Sunday’s out for me. Let’s see… [ consults his appointment book ] How about, uh, Monday?

Jerry: No, I’m having my collarbone removed so I can fit through a doggy door.

Troy: Your daughter loves puppies?

Jerry: No, I’m just locked out of the house.

Carl: You guys! Reminder! High profile, chinstraps! [ into intercom ] Carol, hold my calls!! [ consults his appointment book ] Okay, uh, how about next Monday?

Troy: Uh, next Monday is bad for me. I’ll be in a gas station bathroom in Queens. They have a glory hole there that I really, really enjoy.

Jerry: [ winces ] I’m volunteering at a glory hole on Monday.

Troy: 11:30?

Jerry: 11:30!

Troy: No way, where?

Jerry: 73rd and Broadway.

Troy: Well, I’ll See you there!

Jerry: No, you won’t — it’s a glory hole.

[ they chuckle ]

Troy: Boys, we’re really in a jam here.

Carl: Ohhh, boy, I’ll say. [ into intercom ] Carol, hold my calls!!!

Jerry: We need to come at this thing from a new angle.

Carl: Oh, great idea! [ picks up phone ] Carol, let a call through! [ phone rings, as Carl presses a button ] Talk to me! Okay. [hangs up ] Well, I just got fired. So, I guess that frees up my schedule. You want to do it right now?

Troy: Sure, I’m free.

Jerry: I’d LOVE to do it right now!

Carl: [ into intercom ] Carol, hold my calls!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 16

08p: Alec Baldwin / Jonas Brothers

Vincent Price’s Valentine’s Day Special

Vincent Price…..Bill Hader
Richard Burton…..Alec Baldwin
Carol Channing…..Kristen Wiig
Liberace…..Fred Armisen
Elizabeth Taylor…..Casey Wilson

[ open on TV Land splash screen ]

Announcer: You’re watching TV Land, which means you’ve liked the same stuff for forty years. Hey! Good for you! Up next: “Vincent Price’s Valentine’s Day Special”.

[ dissolve to Price black-and-white set ]

[ Price cackles with laughter as he appears from behind a revolving wall ]

Vincent Price: Valentine’s Day! That special day when the pulse quickens —

[ the wall continues to revolve back into the opposite room ]

Vincent Price: Wait!! Wait!! Wait a minute!! Go back the other way!

[ the wall reverses its track and holds still in the appropriate spot ]

Vincent Price: Valentine’s Day! That special day when the pulse quickens —

[ the wall again begins to revolve back into the opposite room ]

Vincent Price: Stop! You’re doing it again! No! Go to the package!!

[ cut to title splash screen ]

Announcer: And now, Colgate Presents: Vincent Price’s Valentine’s Day Special! Please welcome your host — Lord of the Shadow, Vincent Price!

[ dissolve back to Price, rubbing the cobwebs off his smoking jacket ]

Vincent Price: Good evening. For 364 days out of the year, the sight of a diapered baby-man with a bow and arrow would be cause for alarm! But, today, ’tis cause for celebration! So, tonight, we have decided to invite our favorite couples over to exchange valentines — and teach us the true meaning of love! First, let’s welcome Tinseltown’s favorite lovers: Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton!!

[ Richard Burton enters the room, alone ]

Richard Burton: Where do you keep your Scotch, Price? I ran out on the drive over.

Vincent Price: Oh. Oh, Richard, where’s Elizabeth?

Richard Burton: Oh, she’s in the car! We got into a fight! She says I’m unkind. That foul, insolent COW of a woman!!

Vincent Price: Let’s just… relax, Richard. The theme of our show, after all, is true love.

Richard Burton: There’s nothing more on Earth I love more than that woman. [ a car horn honks ] Dear God, she’s discovered the horn! There is only one thing that can cure this rage: where do you keep your meat, Price? I need meats and butters and a basket and a stick, and some twine to affix the basket to the stick!

Vincent Price: [ he chuckles nervously ] Ah ha, alright… Il’l let you know what I find… [ the doorbell rings ] Oh! The door! Not a minute too soon! Joining us now, from the hit Broadway show, “Hello Dolly!” — the radiant Carol Channing, and her husband Charles!

[ Carol Channing saunters into the room, alone ]

Carol Channing: Raaaaaspberries!

Vincent Price: Well… hello, Carol. Where’s Charles, your valentine?

Carol Channing: Oh, deeear! I thought you said to bring the Ballantine! [ she holds up a bottle ]

Richard Burton: Please… and thank you! [ he grabs the bottle and walks off ]

Vincent Price: Al-right… [ Channing holds her pose to the camera and saunters off ] Okay. Alright, well, we’re 0 for 2 on couples, but fortunately we’re going to be treated to some romantic music — with LIBERACE and his FEMALE COMPANION!!

[ cut to Liberace pounding the piano keys with a wide smile ]

Liberace: Well, hello, Mister! And hello, young lovers!

Vincent Price: Liberace, where’s your date?

Liberace: Well, the fleet shipped out yesterday! [ he laughs ]

Vincent Price: You know, a scret isn’t a secret when you make no effort to HIDE IT! Well, just because it’s Valentine’s Day doesn’t mean we can’t… get a bit spooky. Oh, Carol?

Carol Channing: Ye-e-esss, Vincent?

Vincent Price: [ he steps closer and clutches a box of chocolates on a buffet table ] I was wondering if you would like some… chocolates?

Carol Channing: Oo-ooh, thank you, Vincent!

Vincent Price: I just hope things don’t get out of… hand!

[ Price lifts the lid off the box, to no effect until an arm rises from a hole at the other end of the table ]

Vincent Price: [ he shrugs and replaces the lid ] Great. Alright, Tina, did somebody move this box?!

Richard Burton: [ stepping forward ] Uh, Vincent — do you mind if I take two chocolates? [ a car horn sounds ] Uh, four chocolates. [ a car horn sounds ] Uh — all the chocolates. [ he grabs the box ]

Vincent Price: Go for it.

[ Burton stands by the open front door ]

Richard Burton: HERE!! [ he throws the box out the door ] Feed! Graze! Does this placate you, you wolvereine?! [ a car horn sounds ]

Vincent Price: Will you shut that woman UP?!!

Richard Burton: That woman is an angel! And don’t you ever forget it!

[ cut to Channing, leaning over the buffet table carressing the mysterious hand ]

Carol Channing: Vincent! Me and the hand have hit it off! We’re in lo-ovvve!

Vincent Price: Seriously, Carol? What’s so great about a strange hand sticking through a hole?

Liberace: Plenty! [ he laughs ]

Vincent Price: WATCH IT, LIBERACE!! You’re not at home. [ he composes himself ] Now, to conclude our show, I will serenade our… lovers. [ the lights dim, as Liberace tinkles the keys ] “My funny Valentine…”

[ as Price sings, Elizabeth Taylor storms into the scene and initiates a physical squabble with Burton, which quickly turns into a make-out session, the likes of which delight Liberace as they lean against the piano keys and interrupt Price ]

Vincent Price: Whoa, hey! Whoa, hey! Guys! What’s going on here?! What are you doing?!

Richard Burton: Oh, I’m sorry. Is there someone here who doesn’t like watching a man and woman make love?

[ Liberace raises his hand and smiles ]

Vincent Price: Why can’t you two just behave, like Carol?!

[ cut to Channing sitting atop the buffet table, enjoying the musterious hand beneath ]

Vincent Price: Carol! Where’s the hand?

Carol Channing: I’ll never tell!

Vincent Price: Great. Just… great. Let’s wrap it up! [ poetically ] Lovers of the night, fear not the racing of your hearts! You may just be… in love! Hapy Valentine’s Day, everybody!

[ Price stands before the revolving wall and pulls from a cord, to no avail ]

Vincent Price: How long do I have to tug on this thing before something happens?

[ Liberace steps forward with a smile ]

Vincent Price: Don’t say anything, Liberace!!

[ cut to title splash screen ]

Announcer: This has been Vincent Price’s Valentine’s Day Special! Thanks for watching!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 16

08p: Alec Baldwin / Jonas Brothers

Jonas Brothers perform “Video Girl”

…..Alec Baldwin
…..Jonas Brothers

Alec Baldwin: Once Again, Jonas Brothers.

Jonas Brothers: [ singing ]
“You met in work, you should’ve known better
It’s gonna suck when the camera stops rolling
And you’ll find out soon that the treatment wasn’t worth it

They’re all the same, they all want the money
They’re all insane, they live for fame, honey
They laugh at you when you’re not even being funny

Well, I’ve been here before
And I’ve seen firsthand and front row seat
This little thing they call a video girl

Video girl rocked my world for a whole two seconds
And now I know I’m not about to be another victim
Of the video girl syndrome

Get out of my face, get out of my space
Get some class and kiss the past
‘Cause I’m not about to be another victim
Of the video girl syndrome

You know it’s bad when your mama doesn’t like her
All your friends sayin’ she’s a liar
Never ending phone calls aren’t enough
It’s not enough, it’s never enough

Move to LA, got no talent
Not even like you won a Miss Teen pageant
Daddy pays your bills but you still whine

Well, I’ve been here before
And I’ve seen firsthand and front row seat
What happens to a man when he gets in the hands of a

Video girl rocked my world for a whole two seconds
And now I know I’m not about to be another victim
Of the video girl syndrome

Get out of my face, get out of my space
Get some class and kiss the past
‘Cause I’m not about to be another victim
Of the video girl syndrome

You are never gonna see me miss her
Video girl syndrome
I’m not gonna be another victim
Of the video girl syndrome

Video girl rocked my world for a whole two seconds
And now I know I’m not about to be another victim
Of the video girl syndrome

Get out of my face, get out of my space
Get some class and kiss the past
I’m not about to be another victim
Of the video girl syndrome
I won’t be a victim
Of the video girl syndrome.”

Submitted by: Jordan Anderson

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 16

08p: Alec Baldwin / Jonas Brothers

Jonas Brothers perform “Tonight”

…..Alec Baldwin
…..Jonas Brothers

Alec Baldwin: Ladies and Gentlemen, Jonas Brothers.

Jonas Brothers: [ singing ]
“Well, here we are again
Throwing punchlines, no one wins
As the morning sun begins to rise, we’re fading fast
And we won’t work this out

No, we’re not gonna work this out tonight
(We won’t work this out)
No, we’re not gonna make this right
So I’ll give a kiss and say goodbye
(Give a kiss goodbye)
‘Cause we’re not gonna work this out
Tonight

Every single word’s been said (Whoa oh oh)
Broke each other’s hearts again (Oh whoa oh)
As the starlit sky begins to shine, we’re breaking down
She screams out

No, we’re not gonna work this out tonight
(We won’t work this out)
No, we’re not gonna make this right
So I’ll give a kiss and say goodbye
(Give a kiss goodbye)
‘Cause we’re not gonna work this out
Tonight

(Ohh, Ohh, Ohh, Ohh,)
We don’t have to fight
Tonight
(Ohh, Ohh, Ohh, Ohh,)
We just gotta try
Tonight
We don’t have to fight
Tonight
We just gotta try
TONIGHT

No, we’re not gonna work this out tonight
(We won’t work this out)
No, we’re not gonna make this right
So I’ll give a kiss and say goodbye
(Give a kiss goodbye)
‘Cause we’re not gonna work this out
Tonight

Well, there’s no need to fight, we’re just wasting time
(Tonight)
If you give it a try well then maybe you’ll find
(We might work this out)
Well, we know we’re in love so let’s keep it alive
(Keep it alive, keep it alive)
(Tonight)
I’m starting to see the morning light
We finally worked this out.”

Submitted by: Jordan Anderson

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 16

08p: Alec Baldwin / Jonas Brothers

Alec Baldwin’s Monologue

…..Alec Baldwin
…..Jack McBrayer
Audience Member 1…..Kristen Wiig
Audience Member 2…..Fred Armisen
Audience Member 3…..Bobby Moynihan
Audience Member 4…..Jason Sudeikis

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Alec Baldwin!

Alec Baldwin: Thank you! Thank you! Thanks very much. It’s great to be here again hosting “Saturday Night Live”. A lot of exciting things have been happening for me since the last time I was here. But, before I get to that, I want to take a moment to say, thank you, Christian Bale. Who has replaced me as the person most synonymous with recorded celebrity meltdowns. [ audience laughs ] Thanks!

Now, since the last time I’ve been here, I’ve won an Emmy and a Golden Globe and a SAG Award for “30 Rock”. [ audience cheers ] You’re too kind. But I’m not a believer in individual honors. “30 Rock” is an ensemble effort, and, as luck would have it, one of my colleagues from the show, a personal friend of mine, is here tonight. Now, you — and by “you”, I mean America — might not know him yet, but I think he’s great. Ladies and gentlemen — Jack McBrayer.

[ McBrayer smiles widely, stands, and waves to the cheering audience ]

Alec Baldwin: Okay, that’s enough! [ the audience continues to cheer ] I said, that’s enough! [ McBrayer continues to lavish the audience’s applause ] Alright, SHUT UP!!! [ the audience dies down ] That’s enough. Thank you. [ McBrayer sits ] I would love to spend more time on Jack, but we have to move on to questions from the audience. [ points ] Uh — you.

Audience Member 1: Hi! Sorry, I’m so nervous!

Alec Baldwin: It’s okay. Ask away.

Audience Member 1: Oh, well… it’s actually a question for Jack McBrayer.

Alec Baldwin: Very well.

Audience Member 1: First of all, you are my FAVORITE part of “30 Rock”!

Jack McBrayer: Aw, thank you!

Alec Baldwin: [ interrupting ] If I may, that’s not really a question. It’s more of a statement, an opinion, really.

Audience Member 1: Okay, you know what? I’m talking to Jack. [ she turns back to McBrayer ] Jack, who is your favorite person on “30 Rock” to work with?

Jack McBrayer: Oh, uh — it is such a talented group. Uh, I guess If I had to pick a favorite…

[ Baldwin looks down with interest ]

Jack McBrayer: I would say that I can’t. I like them all equally.

Alec Baldwin: [ disgusted ] You can’t name one, really? Uh, I’m right here.

Audience Member 2: I-I-I got a question!

Alec Baldwin: Go right ahead.

Audience Member 2: Yeah, um — did you ever meet Tina Fey?

Alec Baldwin: Uh, yes. Obviously.

Audience Member 2: Oh, wow, yeah! Um… did you ever meet Jack McBrayer?

Alec Baldwin: Yeah! He’s right here.

Audience Member 2: He is? [ he looks over ] Oh, my God! The star of “30 Rock”! [ he claps wildly ]

Alec Baldwin: Where were you at the beginning of the monologue?

Audience Member 2: Oh, I was getting something to eat.

Audience Member 3: [ stands ] Excuse me. Do you mind if I take a picture?

Alec Baldwin: Well… they normally don’t allow cameras. But, go ahead.

Audience Member 3: Okay. [ turns to McBrayer ] Okay, Jack, can you get up there?

[ McBrayer walks onto Home Base and stands next to Baldwin ]

Audience Member 3: [ as he hands his camera to Baldwin ] Would you? Thank you.

[ Audience Member 3 stands next to McBrayer, as Baldwin snaps the photo ]

Audience Member 3: Okay, just one more for safety?

[ Baldwin snaps the second photo ]

Audience Member 3: Thank you!

[ Baldwin hurls the camera to the floor ]

Audience Member 4: [ waving ] Hey! Excuse me! Excuse me, hi! sorry! Over here! I just want to say I loved you in “Glengarry Glenn Ross”!

Alec Baldwin: [ pleased ] Well, thank you!

Audience Member 4: No, I was talking to Jack.

Alec Baldwin: I’m sorry?

Jack McBrayer: [ smiling ] Uh, I was in the community theater version of “Glengarry Glenn Ross” back in Conyers, Georgia. [ recutes ] “Always be closing, please!” [ he chuckles ] It was a real thrill!

Audience Member 4: Oh… oh, no… we were the ones who were thrilled.

Alec Baldwin: Oh, alright, that’s enough. One last question.

Audience Member 4: [ quickly ] Jack! Are you ever going to host?

Jack McBrayer: Uh, I — I hope to… someday. Uh, just once or twice, though, not a whole bunch of times. I don’t want to seem desperate!

Alec Baldwin: Well, then, Jack, why don’t you get a head start?

Jack McBrayer: You mean it?

Alec Baldwin: Yeah. Let’s do this.

Jack McBrayer: Okay. We’ve got a great show! The Jonas Brothers are here!

Alec Baldwin: Whoo-oo-oo!!!

Together: So, stick around. We’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 16

08p: Alec Baldwin / Jonas Brothers

Sir Mix-a-Lot’s Photoshop

Sir Mix a Lot….Kenan Thompson
Friend 1….Casey Wilson
Friend 2….Abby Elliott
Photo Shop employee 1….Will Forte
Photo Shop employee 2….Bobby Moynihan

(Opens with photos of attractive women in their clothes and a later photo of them wearing bikinis)

Sir Mix a Lot: Look at this women, look at this women, man! I know what you´re thinking. Do they really look like this? Well the answer is no. This photos have been professionally retouched and I know what else you´re thinking. Where´s the butt?

(cut to 90´s rapper Sir Mix a Lot behind the counter of his photo shop. He wears a goatee, black leather jacket, hat. An instrumental track of his hit “Baby Got Back” plays throughout the skit)

Sir Mix a Lot: Hi, how you doing? I´m Sir Mix a Lot. Now, I may have quit making hits but I never quit liking big butts. That´s why I opened Sir Mix a Lot´s Photo Shop.

(logo of Sir Mix a Lot´s Photo Shop)

Sir Mix a Lot: (rapping to the groove of “Baby got Back”) Because we´re the only photo lab, specializing in butt affairs. We take your fondest memories and make them even fonder (photos of girls with normal backsides, a later picture of the girls show the girls with rounder and meatier butts) We take the roundest bottoms and make them even rounder, we take your order quickly, professional and efficiently, you can drop it, leave it, and then pull up quick to retrieve it!

(cut to 2 girlfriends talking holding a photo)

Friend 1: Oh…my….God! Becky, look at my butt! It is so big…and I love it.

(shows photo of herself with a big ass)

Friend 1 and 2: Thanks, Sir Mix a Lot!

Sir Mix a Lot: Yeah, we handle all kinds of blemishes. Acne? (photo of a girl with acne) Bam! (the girl has now a butt big) No one will notice her acne now. Wrinkles? (photo of an old lady) Kapow! (old lady has big, big ass now) Who can focus on wrinkles with an ass like that? Or say you want to pop someone out of a photo perhaps after a messy divorce.(a photo of a bride and groom dancing on their wedding reception, suddenly the bride´s butt is so big that hides the groom) Kaboom! Ho-ho, looks like someone´s back in the game! And here in Sir Mix a Lot´s photo shop we put every photo through a rigorous evaluation process. And to ensure that the butt is large enough, I show each and every photo to Sniffles, my pet Anaconda. (shows photo to an Anaconda snake in a fish tank) Cause you see…(rapping to “Baby Got Back”) my Anaconda don´t want none, unless you got buns, hon´! Yeah, he likes it. And you´ll like our two for one sale or better known as the”Ugh, Double up, Ugh, Ugh!” special. So come to my photo shop…(rapping again to his hit) if you need to get your photos cropped, if your photos needs recycling, or a little extra thigh, hey fellas!

(two employees with visors and photo lab´s aprons)

Employee 1 and 2: Yeah?!

Sir Mix a Lot: Fellas?!

Employee 1 and 2: Yeah?!

Sir Mix a Lot: Is this an expert photo shop?!

Employee 1 and 2: Hells, yeah!

Sir Mix a Lot: Then take it!

Employee 1 and 2: Take it!

Sir Mix a Lot: Take it!

Employee 1 and 2: Take it!

Sir Mix a Lot: Take this photo and enhance the butt! Baby wants back!

(Sir Mix a Lot´s photo shop logo. We enhance your butt)

Announcer: Sir Mix a Lot´s photo shop. Come on down and we´ll enhance your butt.

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 16

08p: Alec Baldwin / Jonas Brothers

The Fourth Jonas Brother

…..Alec Baldwin

(Open on ext. shot of recording studio. Guitar music is heard, and then fade into int. of recording studio. Jonas brothers KEVIN, NICK, and JOE are rehearsing. Kevin puts the playing on hold, and Nick sighs.)

Kevin Jonas: Stop, stop, stop. (Nick takes off his guitar.) Guys, guys, that sounded really off. Is something wrong?

Nick Jonas: Do we really have to do it?

Kevin Jonas: (Now taking off his guitar) It was a unanimous vote. We have to kick him out of the band.

Joe Jonas: (Slightly exasperated) But he is our brother.

Kevin Jonas: You don’t think I know that?

V.O. offstage: Hey guys!

(GARY walks in from Stage Left. He is decked in a Jonas Brothers-like wardrobe and haircut, complete with a saxaphone.)

Gary Jonas: Hey, guys, sorry I’m late. (Clears throat and fixes hair off his face) The security guard was all, “You’re parked in the wrong spot,” so I was all, “I’m Gary Jonas, I’ll park wherever I want.” And he was all, “Your spot is two spots over. Why don’t you move?” And then I hit him in the head with my sax and ran over here as fast as I could. (grins) How funny is that? Ha!

Nick Jonas: (Angrily) It’s not that funny.

Gary Jonas: (Sarcastically) Oh, Nick’s always so serious. But hey, if I wanted your sixteen-year-old advice, I would ask for it. Let’s not forget: I’m the OLDEST Jonas.

Joe Jonas: (Small voice under his breath) How could we forget?

Gary Jonas: Are you putting out an album of ‘whisper songs,’ Joe?

(Joe looks at him confusedly, blinking)

Gary Jonas: ‘Cause if you’re not, maybe you should speak up when your addressing your oldest brother.

Kevin Jonas: Let’s just calm down!

Gary Jonas: I’ll decide who does what around here. I’m the oldest Jonas (holds up two fingers) by TWO years.

(It’s obvious all three brothers are upset.)

Gary Jonas: Look, I’m sorry I blew my top. Hey, before we get back to rehearsal, I had a great idea. What if we changed our names… to the Donut Brothers? I think it could get us a really cool sponsorship deal. Solid, right?

Nick Jonas: (Harshly) I don’t think we should do that, Gary.

Gary Jonas: Well I think we should vote. Let’s remember, as the oldest brother, my vote is worth double. All in favor of the DONUT Brothers?

(Gary raises his hand. Joe, Kevin, and Nick do not.)

Gary Jonas: One, two. All opposed?

(Nick, Joe, and Kevin raise their hands. Kevin and Nick are hardly looking at him, Joe gives Gary a hard look.)

Gary Jonas: One, two, three. Damn! (Rudely) Well, congratulations. You guys OFFICIALLY hate success.

Kevin Jonas: Actually, Gary, we voted on something else a little bit earlier.

(Gary eyes the boys suspiciously)

Gary Jonas: And what would that be?

Joe Jonas: We’re thinking the Jonas Brothers should be a 3-man group.

(Gary sighs, and puts his hand on Nick’s shoulder.)

Gary Jonas: I’m sorry, Nick. But I have to agree with them. You’re weird, you’re creepy, and you smell bad.

(Nick is surprised at the stupidity)

Kevin Jonas: We’re not voting Nick out.

Gary Jonas: Well, I’m glad, Nick. You’ve always been my favorite. Try to forget all the stuff I said about you being weird and creepy and smelly. So, who is it then? Joe?

(Joe looks surprised)

Gary Jonas: That makes sense. He’s not one of us. He has straight hair, and his eyebrows look like they were drawn in with a Sharpie.

(Joe puts his hand up to his eyebrows. Now he’s surprised and hurt.)

Joe Jonas: (Voice almost cracking) It’s you, Gary.

Gary Jonas: (A tone) You’re joking.

Nick Jonas: (Imitating Gary’s tone) We’re not.

Gary Jonas: Well maybe you’ve all forgotten that my vote is worth two.

Joe Jonas: It won’t matter!

Gary Jonas: Well, we’ll see about that! All in favor of me staying?

(Raises his hand, Kevin, Joe, and Nick don’t.)

Gary Jonas: Ooh! A quick lead for Gary. All opposed?

(Kevin and Nick raise their hands)

Gary Jonas: One, two…please let that be it, please let that be it…

(Joe raises his hand, waving his fingers.)

Gary Jonas: Three. DAMN!

Nick Jonas: (Obviously not sorry) We’re sorry, Gary.

Gary Jonas: I hope you guys like riots. Because that’s what you’re gonna get, when there’s no Gary Jonas at your next concert.

Joe Jonas: (Sarcastically) I think we’ll be okay.

Gary Jonas: Guys, where is this all coming from?

Joe Jonas: (Shyly) Well, you broke all our rules.

Gary Jonas: (Confused) Which rules?

Nick Jonas: (Counting on his fingers) You drink, you smoke, and we’re pretty sure you do drugs.

Gary Jonas: First of all, I thought those rules were optional. And second of all, I was pretty high when you told ’em to me.

Kevin Jonas: We’re sorry, Gary.

Gary Jonas: But guys, I’m your brother. How can you do this to me?

Kevin Jonas: Well, that’s just the thing. When you showed up last week and said that you were our long-lost brother, we got a little nervous, so we did a little ‘checking into it’ and got a private investigator.

Gary Jonas: I’m gonna stop you right there, I know what you’re gonna say- you’re jealous of me. you think when we’re on stage, the girls can’t take their eyes off me and you’re right. I will leave.

(Takes a step towards the door, but then takes two steps towards Nick, Kevin and Joe)

Gary Jonas: We’re the Donut Brothers.

Nick Jonas: No, we’re not.

Gary Jonas: (Takes two steps back) Okay, well, it was worth a shot. Okay, well, if I’m out of the band, I guess you want my ring back.

Joe Jonas: Oh, you can keep your purity ring.

Gary Jonas: Purity ring? What’s a purity ring?

(Joe and Kevin can’t really break it to him. Nick steps towards Gary, motions for him to scoot closer, and whispers the simple anwer in his ear)

Gary Jonas: Oh. In that case, you’re definitely gonna want this back.

(Hands the ring to Nick)

Gary Jonas: Yeah, I would wash that. Better yet, just throw it in the garbage because it is broken.

(Nick hands the ring to Kevin, and wipes his hands on his jeans. Kevin tosses the ring into a trash can.)

Nick Jonas: You have to go, Gary.

Gary Jonas: Yeah, well I quit!

Joe Jonas: (Shocked) You can’t quit!

Kevin Jonas: (Puts his hand on Joe’s shoulder) Joe, just let him go.

Gary Jonas: Well, I’m out of here. You’re a bunch of weirdos.

(Opens door slightly)

Gary Jonas: (Continuing) Especially you, Nick. You’re the weirdest.

(Nick rolls his eyes)

Kevin Jonas: (Shouts) That’s enough, Gary!

Gary Jonas: (Shouting back) My name’s not Gary!

Joe Jonas: (Shouting, too) What is it?

Gary Jonas: Alec! Alec Baldwin. Not the one you’re thinking of. Not the one from “30 Rock.” I’m outta here, but seriously guys, think about it. Free donuts.

(Simultaneously)

Nick Jonas: No!

Kevin Jonas: No!

Joe Jonas: Nooooo!

Gary Jonas: (Out the door, but facing the Jonas Brothers. Motions to them) You’re weird.

(Shuts door, and cut to ext. shot of recording studio.)

Submitted by: Scrubsfan613

SNL Transcripts