For Die Hard Saturday Night Live Fans
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 34: Episode 16
08p: Alec Baldwin / Jonas Brothers
Goodnights
…..Alec Baldwin
Alec Baldwin: Thanks to the Jonas Brothers!! And Dan Aykroyd!! [ Aykroyd makes devil horns above his head ] And Jack McBrayer!! [ looks around] Where is Jack? [ McBrayer steps through the crowd ] Jack McBrayer! THank you, good night, everybody!!
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 34: Episode 16
08p: Alec Baldwin / Jonas Brothers
Alec Baldwin’s Acting Techniques for Actors
…..Alec Baldwin
Boy…..Andy Samberg
Mr. Grimes…..Kenan Thompson
Man…..Jason Sudeikis
Woman…..Kristen Wiig
Father…..Fred Armisen
Son…..Will Forte
Businessman…..Bill Hader
Alec Baldwin: Hi. I’m award-winning actor Alec Baldwin. If you’re like me, you know there’s nothing more moving in a film than seeing a character cough once, very subtly, to let you know that later on in that movie… they’re going to die. As an actor, I can tell you that playing these scenes isn’t as easy as it looks. That’s why Volume 72 of my DVD series, “Alec Baldwin’s Acting Techniques for Actors” is:
[ he holds up the box, which cuts to a separate product shot ]
Alec Baldwin V/O: “First Coughs: Mastering the Art of Foreshadowing Your Character’s Death”.
[ cut back to Baldwin ]
Alec Baldwin: You’ll learn such techniques as: “I’m not even going to acknowledge it.”
[ dissolve to movie scene: two men in a workshop ]
Mr. Grimes: And that, my friend, is how you put a ship inside a bottle.
Boy: Wow, Mr. Grimes. That is kicking!
Mr. Grimes: Nothing to it at all, son. Now go get washed up and, when you come back, I’ll play you some real music.It’s called jazz. [ he coughs quietly into his hand ]
Boy: Mr. Grimes?
Mr. Grimes: Hurry up, now! I don’t have all day!
[ dissolve back to Baldwin ]
Alec Baldwin: And the audience’s favorite: “It’s nothing, it’s just a cold.”
[ dissolve to movie scene: Fall proposal ]
Man: Will you marry me?
Woman: [ excited ] Oh, Brice! I don’t know what to say!
Man: Say yes.
Woman: Yes! [ she coughs into her hand ]
Man: You okay?
Woman: It’s nothing. It’s just a cold. [ quickly ] Beat you down to the lake!
Man: Okay!
[ they run off ]
[ dissolve back to Baldwin ]
Alec Baldwin: And, of course, the classic: “I don’t need any damn doctors.”
[ dissolve to movie scene: father and son ]
Son: You don’t even want to meet your own grandson?
Father: I just want to be left alone! [ he coughs into his hand ]
Son: You should get that checked out.
Father: I don’t need any damn doctors!
[ dissolve back to Baldwin ]
Alec Baldwin: Spoiler alert: He needs a damn doctor. Once you master those techniques, you can move on to more advanced coughs like the technically demanding, “Cough into a handkerchief, notice that there’s blood on it, look around nervously, then quickly shove it back in your pocket and hurry on your way.”
[ dissolve to movie scene: businessman in office ]
[ Businessman coughs into a handkerchief, then performs Baldwin’s proven technique ]
[ dissolve back to Baldwin ]
Alec Baldwin: So what are you waiting for? Take your acting career to the next level with “First coughs.”
[ Baldwin coughs, as the product appears on screen with a $0 price tag ]
Alec Baldwin V/O: It’s nothing. It’s just a cold. Order now.
[ fade ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 34: Episode 16
08p: Alec Baldwin / Jonas Brothers
The Cougar Den
Toni Ward
Kristen Wiig
Jacqueline Seka
Casey Wilson
Barbara Lincoln
Michaela Watkins
Kiki Deamore
Cameron Diaz
Blaine Bagby
Alec Baldwin
Kenneth
Kenan Thompson
Brendan #1
Bill Hader
Brendan #2
Andy Samberg
Braden
Will Forte
(A cougar ROARS offscreen with Santana´s “Smooth” playing and the COUGARSdancing awkwardly.)
SUPER: The Cougar Den
(The logo is scratched.)
Announcer: Its time for the Cougar Den with Jacqueline Seka and Toni Ward. Introducing Barbara Lincoln.
(The music fades and the cougars seat themselves.)
Toni Ward: Hi, Im Toni and welcome to the Cougar Den. To my left is one of my dearest friends, Jacqueline.
Jacqueline Seka: Hi.
Toni Ward: And to my right is a woman I met in the mature Vitamin Section at GMC — our new friend Barbara.
Barbara Lincoln: Hi there.
Toni Ward: So, Valentines Day is coming up.
Jacqueline Seka: Its here.
Toni Ward: You know, what do you ladies have planned?
Barbara Lincoln: Well I tell you what Im going to do… I’m going to take a bath with a cardboard cut out of Spencer Pratt! Holla!
(Barbara shakes her breasts.)
Jacqueline Seka: Yeah, weve done that.
Toni Ward: Weve done that. Weve done that.
Jacqueline Seka: Okay, Im gonna suck down some jello shooters and wander around USCs Campus wearing a t-shirt that says Ill pay you and this wont get messy.
(Jacqueline waves her right palm over her chest.)
Toni Ward: Well, I dont know if you guys know this, but I treated myself to a Jonas Brothers concert as a pre-Valentines day present to myself.
Jacqueline Seka: Oh, you deserve it Toni!
Barbara Lincoln: Oh, yeah!
Toni Ward: Well, I was thrown out.
Barbara Lincoln: What!?!?
Jacqueline Seka: Toni, what happened? What happened?
Toni Ward: I was really rocking out, you know, pumpin my fist in the air, when my menopause patch fell off and flew into a young girls mouth and she went into estrogen shock.
Barbara Lincoln: Really?
Toni Ward: Yes, and thats all I can say until the trial is over. (Zips her mouth.)
Jacqueline Seka: Okay, Facebook break!
(The cougars all pick up their iPhones on the table in front and start texting, web browsing, etc.)
Barbara Lincoln: (Looking at her phone.) Becoming fans of Zac Efron!
Jacqueline Seka: (Looking at her phone.) 25 random things about me!
Toni Ward: Im poking someone Kenneth
Jacqueline Seka: Kenneth
Barbara Lincoln: Kenneth
Toni Ward: Kenneth, Im poking you.
Jacqueline Seka: Kenneth Kenneth.
Barbara Lincoln: Kenneth
(KENNETH, old w/gray hair & mustache has a headset on and clipboard in hand. He stands non-responsive.)
Kenneth: You know, I’d poke you back but Im scared something might fall off.
(The cougars give Kenneth a blank stare. Kenneth gives a stern stare as his eyes widen.)
Toni Ward: Our first guest has written a book entitled, Stop that Boy I Want to Get On! Please welcome Blaine Bagby.
(BLAINE, salt-and-pepper haired, wearing a tan suit & black shirt, graces the set. He joins the cougars in their odd dance to Smooth. A few beats later, they stop and take their seats.)
Blaine Bagby: Hello ladies. Im major, major, major, major, major, ma-jor excited to be here! As you know, Im a cou-gay! And as a cou-gay, I face many of the same obstacles you ladies do — mainly how to keep it tight, right, and in the light.
(Blaine snaps his fingers back and forth. The cougars nod their heads and agree amongst another.)
Cougars: You go. Mhmm
Jacqueline Seka: You tell it, Gay Cougar!
Blaine Bagby: And even though Im known in the gay community for my selfishness, I couldn’t take full credit. I co-wrote this with our good friend Kiki Deamore. Come on out here, Kiki!
(Everyone starts dancing in strange rhythm to Smooth. KIKI saunters ontothe set and pumps her chest to the music. All involved sit down.)
Kiki Deamore: (in a Spanish accent) Oh it so good to be back. Working on this book with Bland was a passion pro-hect.
Blaine Bagby: Literary passion, not sexual.
Kiki Deamore: Oh no, no, no. Because he, uh, you know, he, uh, I like young boys…And hes a gay.
Blaine Bagby: And shes a uno-vahina, which is one too many uno-vahina for me.
Kiki Deamore: Anyway, we worked on this day and afternoon. We almost spent a 45 minutes at the Kinkos.
Jacqueline Seka: Its only 30 pages and I love that.
Toni Ward: Its like a pamphlet, but only a little bit thicker. Now, what would you call that?
Blaine Bagby: A thick pamphlet.
(Kiki points both hands to her head, then her crotch.)
Kiki Deamore: I like them thick there and thick here.
Blaine Bagby: Were talking about the pamphlet, Kiki. I beg you to stay on track.
Kiki Deamore: Okay.
Jacqueline Seka: My favorite part is in Chapter 54 where you talk about checking IDs.
Blaine Bagby: Let me tell you something, sisters… checking IDs is essential, because these boys will lie. Especially if they think its going to get them a snowboard or a Paul Frank monkey wallet.
Kiki Deamore: Or a hummer in the back of a Hummer.
Toni Ward: Well, you dont have tell me about IDs. Last year, I met a striking, young Puerto Rican man at a McDonalds play place. After I bought him an Oreo McFlurry, he told me he was 21 and I took him home. Three weeks later, I found out he was 12 and a half.
Blaine Bagby: Oh my god, that just made my wig system stand on end.
Kiki Deamore: And my extension fell out!
Toni Ward: Ladies, you know what I do when my extension, when they fall out: I braid em, put a bead on em, tie em boom, its a bracelet. Okay, Ped Egg break!
Jacqueline Seka: Ped Egg break!
Barbara Lincoln: Break!
Jacqueline Seka: Kenneth
Toni Ward: Kenneth…
Jacqueline Seka: Our Ped Egg reservoirs are full.
Toni Ward: Yes, Kenneth all the shavings. Lots of shavings.
Jacqueline Seka: The chambers are full of shavings!
Toni Ward: Full of shavings, Kenneth!
Jacqueline Seka: Kenneth
Toni Ward: Kenneth
Kenneth: What you need to worry about shaving is your upper lips!
(The cougars, Blaine, and Kiki stare long and silent at Kenneth. Kenneths becomes bug-eyed and clenches his lower jaw.)
Toni Ward: Its time to introduce our new boyfriends – Brendan, Brendan, and Braden. Come on out, boys.
Jacqueline Seka: Come to mummas!
(3 young looking guys walk out, scared.)
Kiki Deamore: Oh yoy, these boys are so delicioso. Like three hot mucha noches Cuban sandwiches with the big pickle. And I like the pickle.
Jacqueline Seka: Come, boys, sit down. Come on.
(The cougars are reclined in a 45 degree angle on the couch, giving direction to the laps.)
Toni Ward: Have a seat.
Jacqueline Seka: Sit down, right here.
Brendan: Nah, Im alright.
Branden & Bryan: Yeah, we’re good. Were good, yeah.
(The cougars resume normal posture on the couch.)
Toni Ward: Do you see the chemistry that is going on here?
Blaine Bagby: It is palpable.
(Blaine surveys the backsides of all the boyfriends.)
Kenneth: The only chemistry I see is your bodies breaking down.
(Except the boyfriends, everyone on set stares at Kenneth. Kenneth, chin tilted up and eyes wide open, stares back.)
Jacqueline Seka: Uh oh! Whats wrong with Kiki?
(Kiki crawls over Blaine with her hands clawed in direction of the boyfriends.)
Blaine Bagby: Get them out of here! Shes going to pounce!
(Kenneth rushes in and pushes the boyfriends off the set. Kiki has gotten a hold of Brendan #2, but Kenneth breaks him free.)
Kenneth: Get out of here! Get out of here! Kiki, keep whats in your pants to yourself!
(Blaine restrains Kiki. Kiki waves her arms in frenetic motions.)
Blaine Bagby: Keep them someplace safe. Like my dressing room.
Toni Ward: Well, thats all the time we have. Join us next week, when we bring you our annual show from Dianne Lanes yard.
(Smooth begins. Blaine and all the ladies start to dance.)
SUPER: The Cougar Den.
END
Submitted by: Allison Porter & Cody
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 34: Episode 16
]]>
Air Date:Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:Cameos:Bit Players:
February 14th, 2009
Alec Baldwin
Jonas Brothers
None
Dan Aykroyd
Jack McBrayer
Cameron Diaz
Hailey Baldwin
Alia Baldwin
None Republican Congressional Leadership MeetingSummary: In-denial Republican leaders look for fault in President Obama’s latest speech.
Transcript
Montage
Alec Baldwin’s MonologueSummary: Audience members overlook Alec Baldwin so they can fawn over “30 Rock” co-star Jack McBrayer.
Transcript
The Fourth Jonas BrotherSummary: During a recording session, The Jonas Brothers decide to kick their lame fourth brother, Gary (Alec Baldwin), out of the group.
Transcript
The Cougar DenSummary: Jacqueline Seka (Kristen Wiig), and Toni Ward (Casey Wilson) welcome back their pal Kiki Deamore (Cameron Diaz), who has co-written a book on picking up young dudes with cou-gay Blaine (Alec Baldwin).
Recurring Characters: Toni Ward, Jacqueline Seka, Kenneth, Kiki Deamore.
Transcript
An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Andy Samberg discovers ancient videotape footage of The Jonas Brothers when they performed as Property of the Queen during the 1980’s.
Transcript
Sir Mix-a-Lot’s PhotoshopSummary: Sir Mix-a-Lot (Kenan Thompson).
Transcript
Jonas Brothers perform “Tonight”Lyrics
Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Financial expert Oscar Rogers (Kenan Thompson) still thinks the solution to the economic crisis is to “Fix it!”
Recurring Characters: Oscar Rogers, Angelina Jolie.
Transcript
Vincent Price’s Valentine’s Day SpecialSummary: Vincent Price (Bill Hader) endures domestic strife between lovebirds Richard burton (Alec Baldwin) and Elizabeth Taylor (Casey Wilson) on his 1966 Valentine’s Day special.
Recurring Characters: Vincent Price, Richard Burton, Elizabeth Taylor, Liberace.
Transcript
High-Profile ProjectSummary: Carl (Will Forte), Jerry (Bill Hader), and Troy (Alec Baldwin) can’t seem to synchronize their schedules in order to complete their high-profile project.
Recurring Characters: Carl, Jerry.
Transcript
Warrior ShakeSummary: Dad (Alec Baldwin) finds masturbatory pleasure in his kids’ (Jason Sudeikis, Bill Hader) favorite Wii game.
Transcript
Jonas Brothers performs “Video Girl”Lyrics
Chewable PampersSummary: The organic-enriched diaper that is eco-friendly and delicious.
Note: Repeat from 08n.
Virgania Horsen’s Hot-Air Balloon RidesSummary: Trying not to rub it in anyone’s face, Virgania Horsen (Kristen Wiig) advertises rides on her hot air balloon.
Note: Repeat from 07e.
Alec Baldwin’s Acting Techniques for ActorsSummary: Alec Baldwin demonstrates the acting prowess of a cinematic “first cough”.
Transcript
GoodnightsTranscript
]]>
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 34: Episode 15
08o: Bradley Cooper / TV On The Radio
I’m Gonna Have Sex With Your wife
Danny Lane…..Bradley Cooper
Ron Stillwell…..Will Forte
Michael Vodner…..Fred Armisen
Tommy McCafferty…..Bill Hader
Mrs. Stillwell…..Michaela Watkins
Mrs. Vodner…..Casey Wilson
Mrs. McCafferty…..Kristen Wiig
[ open on game show set ]
Announcer: And now it’s time for: “I’m Gonna Have Sex With Your wife”! And here’s your host — Danny Lane!
[ Danny Lane runs onto the set ]
Danny Lane: Hello! Hello, everybody! I’m Danny Lane, and welcome to another episode of “I’m Gonna Have Sex With your Wife”! Our contestants today are Ron Stillwell, from Cedar Rapids, Michigan!
Ron Stillwell: [ excited ] Hey-ohhhhh!!
Danny Lane: Michael Vodner, from Columbia, South Carolina!
Michael Vodner: [ excited ] Yo, baby!
Danny Lane: And our returning champion, from clearwater, Florida — Tommy McCafferty!
[ Tommy is clearly the least-enthused contestant on the game show ]
It’s great to have you all on the program! [ he approaches the men at their podiums ] Now, Ron… it says here, you run a PR firm in Cedar Rapids.
Ron Stillwell: I sure do!
Danny Lane: Terrific! And, uh — I understand you brought your wife with you today.
Ron Stillwell: I sure did! [ he waves ] Hi, honey!
[ Mrs. Stillwell waves from the audience ]
Danny Lane: Alright, that’s great! That’s great. Now, Ron… I’m gonna have sex with your wife.
Ron Stillwell: [ laughing ] I’d like to see you try!
[ Mrs. Stillwell runs up from the audience and disappears backstage with Danny ]
[ Ron holds his composure for a few moments, before starting to worry ]
[ finally, Danny and a disheveled Mrs. Stillwell return from backstage and part ways ]
Danny Lane: Alright! Let’s put 50 points on the board for Ron!
Ron Stillwell: [ troubled ] Catherine?
Mrs. Stillwell: 50 points! Go, Ron!
Ron Stillwell: [ disappointed ] Oh, Catherine…
Danny Lane: Now… Michael. It says here — oh! You’re a huge Voltron fan!
[ stares at Danny without saying a word ]
Danny Lane: And, uh — I understand you brought your wife with you today?
[ Mrs. Vodner gives a whoop-whoop from the audience ]
Danny Lane: That’s great! That’s great! That’s great. Now, Michael — I’m gonna have sex with your wife.
Michael Vodner: [ grabbing at Danny ] Don’t, man — come on —
[ Mrs. Vodner runs up from the audience and disappears backstage with Danny ]
[ Michael stares dumbstruck at the camera for many moments before finally shutting his eyes in defeat ]
[ finally, Danny and a disheveled Mrs. Vodner return from backstage and part ways ]
Danny Lane: Thanks for being such a great sport! Alright! Don’t call it a comeback! Michael’s on the board with 100 points!
Mrs. Vodner: Honey! You’re winning!
Michael Vodner: [ outraged ] Who’s winning here? Who’s winning?!
Danny Lane: [ chuckling ] Terrific! Now we move on to our returning champion — Tommy McCafferty!!
[ Tommy shifts his eyes into an evil stare ]
Danny Lane: Tell me, Tom — how’s your wife?
Tommy McCafferty: Uh, we’re actually separated.
Danny Lane: ooh! That’s a tough one. What happened?
Tommy McCafferty: Uhhhh, well — uhhh, we came on the show last week, and you had SEX with her.
Danny Lane: Terrific. Uh, now, Tom — I’ve got a bit of a surprise for you. What if I told you that your wife was here, in the studio, at this very moment?
Tommy McCafferty: [ panicking ] Oh, God… no!
Danny Lane: JENNIFER!! COME ON OUT!!
[ Mrs. McCafferty runs up from the side of the set and disappears backstage with Danny ]
[ dumbstruck ] Why did I come back here?
[ Michael steps over to comfort Tom ]
Tommy McCafferty: [ waving him off ] I don’t need it! I don’t need it! I’m fine! Just leave me alone!
[ finally, Danny and a disheveled Mrs. McCafferty return from backstage and part ways ]
Danny Lane: Whoa-oa! Alright, Tom, uh — alright, I know your wife and you were having some trouble, but, uh, I gotta be honest — she did you a real solid back there! Which means, once again, YOU are our big winner!!
Mrs. McCafferty: YAAAYYYY!!
[ Tommy mimicks her enthusiasm ]
Danny Lane: Terrific! Oh, Bob and Michael, thank you so much for playing. And, uh, the good news is you get to receive an “I’m Gonna Have Sex With Your Wife” home game! [ he hands each of them a business card ]
Ron Stillwell: It’s just a phone number!
Danny Lane: Yeah. It’s mine. Just give it to your wives, they’ll know what to do. [ to the camera ] And, remember, america: you’d better watch your back, or i’m gonna have… [ with the audience” SEX WITH YOUR WIFE!!!
[ fade ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 34: Episode 15
08o: Bradley Cooper / TV On The Radio
Song Memories
Jason…..Jason Sudeikis
Will…..Will Forte
Bradley…..Bradley Cooper
Bill…..Bill Hader
[ open on four buddies, dressed for the occasion as they stand in a reception area ]
Jason: Your whiskey refill, sir.
Will: Alright!
Jason: I can’t make it through these things without this stuff.
Bradley: I asked the guy to play Jonathon’s favorite song.
Bill: Alright! That’s a great song!
Will: Excellent idea!
Bill: Hey, hey — to our friend Jonathon, on his BIG day!
[ they all toast Jonathon by clinking their glasses ]
Bradley: We lost antoher one, huh, guys?
Will: It’s a damn shame!
[ the music starts to play ]
Jason: Oh! GREAT song!
Will: Very nice!
Jason: Oh, man, I’ve gotta download this when I get home! Oh, speaking of downloading — did I tell you my girlfriend caught me masturbating to internet porn? [ the guys react with Nos ] Yeah, so I’m sitting their with my laptop — I’m going at it like I do — she sneaks up behind me and yelled, “What are you doing?!”
Bradley: Oh, boy, that’s embarrassing.
Jason: Yeah, and not only that — I got kicked out of the Starbuck’s.
All: [ singing ]
“I’m the one who wants to be with you!
Deep inside, I hope you feel it, too!
Waited on a line of greens and blues
Just to be the next to be with you.”
Bill: You know what this song reminds me of? My dad. Last week, he dropped a bombshell — he told us that my kid sister of twenty-five years… was adopted.
Jason: Wow!
Bill: Yeah, he said he waited so long because he didn’t want us to treat her weird, and I guess I understand that.
Will: Man, how — how do you feel?
Bill: Are you kidding? I was thrilled! Now we can stop sneaking around and get married!
All: [ singing ]
“I’m the one who wants to be with you!
Deep inside, I hope you feel it, too!
Waited on a line of greens and blues
Just to be the next to be with you.”
Will: Hey. You guys remember when I got my penis stuck in th jacuzzi jet at the Holiday Inn in Bristol, Tennessee?
All: Yeah!
Will: You remember how they had to call the Fire Department to, uh, pry me out with a special tool? Adn how it kind of messed up my pipes down there for good?
All: Oh… yeah…
Will: And remember how I did it again?
Bradley: Fourth of July?
Will: Well, I’ve been thinking a lot about it, and… I kinda want to do it again!
All: [ singing ]
“I’m the one who wants to be with you!
Deep inside, I hope you feel it, too!
Waited on a line of greens and blues
Just to be the next to be with you.”
Jason: [ to Bradley ] Hey, how’s the online dating going?
Bradley: Good, but, you know, it can be a little weird. ‘Cause everybody exaggerates, you know? Like, I went to hook up last week at this hotel, and so I check in, there’s a knock at the door, and it’s like this firty-year old black guy.
All: Oh! Ohhhh…
Bradley: And, like, he’s pissed, and he starts yelling at me: “You’re not a bodybuilder, you’re a liar!” And I’m like, “I’m a liar? What about you? You’re not a twelve-year old boy.”
All: [ singing ]
“I’m the one who wants to be with you!
Deep inside, I hope you feel it, too!
Waited on a line of greens and blues
Just to be the next to be with you.”
Jason: Yes! To good memories and great music!
[ they all clink their glasses again ]
Jason: Hey, and especially to our old pal Jonathon.
Will: That guy’s life is over!
Bradley: You guys ready to do this?
Jason: Yeah.
[ bagpipe music begins to play, as the four buddies step around their “table” to reveal that it’s actually a coffin, and they lift it ]
Jason: Man, Jonathon’s heavy, huh?
[ they all lose their balance from the weight and drop the coffin at a precarious angle, as the screen freezes ]
[ THE END ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 34: Episode 15
08o: Bradley Cooper / TV On The Radio
An SNL Digital Short
…..Andy Samberg
…..Akiva Schaffer
…..Jorma Taccone
…..T-Pain
[ open on The Lonely Island dudes sitting at a breakfast table ]
[ Andy Samberg pours a bowl of cereal and discovers the prize within ]
Andy Samberg: [ excited ] Whoa! Free boat ride for three! [ he looks at his buddies ] Now… who should I take? Akiva…
Akiva Schaffer: Yes!
Andy Samberg: And… T-Pain!
T-Pain: Cool!
[ imagine Jorma’s disappointment ]
[ cut to Andy, Akiva, and T-Pain performing their video aboard a boat ]
Andy, Akiva, T-Pain: [ singing ]
“Aww shit, get your towels ready it’s about to go down (shorty, yeah)
Everybody in the place hit the fucking deck (shorty, yeah)
But stay on your motherfucking toes
We running this, let’s go
I’m on a boat (I’m on a boat)
I’m on a boat (I’m on a boat)
Everybody look at me ’cause I’m sailing on a boat (sailing on a boat)
I’m on a boat (I’m on a boat)
I’m on a boat
Take a good hard look at the motherfucking boat (boat, yeah)
I’m on a boat motherfucker take a look at me
Straight flowing on a boat on the deep blue sea
Busting five knots, wind whipping out my coat
You can’t stop me motherfucker cause I’m on a boat
Take a picture, trick (trick)
I’m on a boat, bitch (bitch)
We drinking Santana champ,
Cause it’s so crisp (crisp)
I got my swim trunks
And my flippie-floppies
I’m flipping burgers, you at Kinko’s
Straight flipping copies
I’m riding on a dolphin, doing flips and shit
The dolphin’s splashing, getting everybody all wet
But this ain’t Seaworld, this is real as it gets
I’m on a boat, motherfucker, don’t you ever forget
I’m on a boat and
It’s going fast and
I got a nautical themed
pashmina afghan
I’m the king of the world
On a boat like Leo
If you’re on the shore,
then you’re sure not me-oh
Get the fuck up, this boat is REAL!!!
Fuck land, I’m on a boat, motherfucker (motherfucker)
Fuck trees, I climb buoys, motherfucker (motherfucker)
I’m on the deck with my boys, motherfucker (yeah)
This boat engine make noise, motherfucker
Hey ma, if you could see me now (see me now)
Arms spread wide on the starboard bow (starboard bow)
Gonna fly this boat to the moon somehow (moon somehow)
Like Kevin Garnett, anything is possible
Yeah, never thought I’d be on a boat
It’s a big blue watery road (yeah)
Poseidon
Look at me, oh (all hands on deck)
Never thought I’d see the day
When a big boat coming my way
Believe me when I say
I fucked a mermaid
I’m on a boat
I’m on a boat
Everybody look at me ’cause I’m sailing on a boat (woaah)
I’m on a boat
I’m on a boat
Take a good hard look at the mothafuckin’ boat (sha-sha-shorty, shorty, yeah)!”
Submitted by: Jordan Anderson
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 34: Episode 15
08o: Bradley Cooper / TV On The Radio
Goodnights
…..Bradley Cooper
Bradley Cooper: Thanks to TV On The Radio! James Lipton! The BEST cast and crew on television! Lorne Michaels! Ray Businsky, get better soon, I love you!!
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 34: Episode 15
08o: Bradley Cooper / TV On The Radio
No Bruce! Let Me Finish! The Best Of Celebrity Tirades
Christian Bale…..Bradley Cooper
Stagehand…..Will Forte
George Foreman…..Kenan Thompson
Joan Cusack…..Abby Elliott
Jim Cramer…..Darrell Hammond
Nathan Lane…..Bobby Moynihan
[ open on Youtube screenshot of “Christian Bale Tirade” ]
Christian Bale V/O: Nooo!! Noooo!! Noooo!! Are you not a professional?! Do I f—in’ walk around and rip your f—in’ lights down in the middle of a scene?! No, Bruce! Let me finish!!
[ dissolve to Christian Bale standing on a film set, nodding away his shame ]
Christian Bale: Ha, ha, ha. Wasn’t that funny? Hi, I’m Christian Bale, and, uh — yes, that was me a few months ago on the set of a movie. I’ve apologized, uh, but it doesn’t seem to matter to the millions of you so entertained by it. But, you know, every celebrity has a few moments on the set, uhhh — [ he glances at his side, as a Stagehand hesitantly appears ]
Stagehand: Sorry about that.
[ he quickly scoots away before Bale’s temper can flare ]
Christian Bale: [ breathing steadily ] Don’t worry. I’ve got it under control, it’s fine, you see. [ he chuckles nervously, then exhales deeply while clenching his hands tightly together ] And to PROVE it to you, that outbursts like mine are perfectly normal, I’ve, uh, compiled this DVD>
[ show DVD case ]
Announcer: “No Bruce! Let Me Finish! The Best of Celebrity Tirades.”
[ cut back to Bale ]
Christian Bale: EVERY celebrity, no matter how beloved, has LOST CONTROL once or twice on the set, uh — even the loveable George Foreman.
[ cut to Foreman, standing before his George Foreman Grill in his kitchen set ]
George Foreman: And the WONDERFUL thing about the Foreman Grill… is it’s SO easy!
[ he leans his hand across the top of the grill, and is promptly burned ]
George Foreman: OWWWW!!!! It wasn’t supposed to be plugged in!! Son of a BEE STING!! Who did this?! My sons George, George, George, and George are gonna have your nuts on a PLATE!!! No, no, no, Bruce!! Let me finish!!
[ cut back to Bale ]
Christian Bale: See? Nnoe of us are perfect. Not even a mild-mannered star like, uh, Joan Cusack.
[ cut to Cusack standing before a suburban kitchen set ]
Joan Cusack: I’m Joan Freakin’ Cusack! What part of that don’t you understand?! [ she points both hands to herself ] I’m… a professional! You-ou-ou… are a boob! [ looks offscreen ] No, Bruce! Let me finish!
[ cut back to Bale ]
Christian Bale: See? It happens to everyone. This DVD has them all Like, um — “Mad Money”‘s Jim Cramer.
[ cut to Cramer standing on his set ]
Jim Cramer: [ with a fluctuating pitch that is more enthusiastic than angry ] Jim Cramer! Other people want to make friends! I just want to make you money! Economy’s going down the tubes. BOTTOM LINE!! Everything’s gonna be fine. We’ll all get through this. No, Bruce… let me finish.
[ cut back to Bale, as the Stagehand cowers in the background behind him ]
Christian Bale: [ outraged ] THAT was the ANGRIEST clip you could GET??!! RE-E-EALLY??!! And — [ turns and notices the cowering Stagehand ] And what’s with THIS guy?!! If he’s still here when I get back, I will BURY YOU!!! I will BU — [ catches himself ] Ahhhhh-ahhhh! Ha ha! [ smiles ] That’s a bit of fun there! [ he chuckles nervously and gives the Stagehand a thumbs-up ]
Stagehand: Sorry.
[ Stagehand shirks away ]
Christian Bale: You see? The thing that people don’t understand is that acting is a craft. To make art… the artist must focus like a laser. Observe the work of Nathan Lane.
[ cut to Lane standing on a stage set ]
Nathan Lane: [ singing ] “Some-thing fa-mil-iar! Some-thing pe-cul-iar! Some-thing for everyone –” NO, BRUCE!!! LET ME FINISH!!!
[ cut back to Bale, holding the DVD ]
Christian Bale: So order now, only for $19.95. All proceeds go to charity — the charity of my legal defense fund. [ he stares at his picture on the DVD case ] Is this the best picture you could find? HUH??!! No, where’s the one from “Newsies”? Hey, real — amateurs! Amateurs!
[ cut to product slide ]
Announcer: “No Bruce! Let Me Finish!” For only $19.95. Buy it today!
[ fade ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 34: Episode 15
08o: Bradley Cooper / TV On The Radio
Bad Guys, Good Conversation
Johnny Lawrence….Bradley Cooper
Hans Gruber….Andy Samberg
Alex Forest….Michaela Watkins
Jamie Gumb….Bill Hader
John Kreese….Jason Sudeikis
(Opens with rock music. A panel show, host and 3 guests)
Caption: Bad Guys, Good Conversation
(Karate Kid´s bad guy Johnny Lawrence is wearing a black headband and red leather jacket with the Cobra-Kai logo)
Johnny Lawrence: Hey, how´s it goin´? Welcome to Bad Guys, Good Conversation. The show that proves that obscure movie bad guys also have interesting things to say. I´m your host Johnny Lawrence from “Karate Kid”. (photo of the famous beach confrontation with Daniel Larusso) And joining me on the panel today are some of my favorite bad guys. From “Die Hard” criminal mastermind Hans Gruber.
(Photo of Hans holding a gun up to John McLane wife´s head)
Hans Gruber: (sullen smirk, European affected accent) Its a pleasure to be here.
Johnny Lawrence: She´s the crazy lady from “Fatal Attraction”. Please welcome, the lovely Alex Forest.
(poster from “Fatal Attraction” with Michael Douglas)
Alex Forest: Lovely. You´re too kind, Johnny. (lusty flick of the tongue)
(photo of famous basement dance from Silence of the Lambs)
Johnny Lawrence: And from “Silence of the Lambs”, some call him Buffalo Bill, I call him Jamie Gumb.
Jamie Gumb:(deep voice) Its always nice to be out of the house.
Johnny Lawrence: Ok, lets begin…
John Kreese: START THE SHOW!!!
Johnny Lawrence: What?
(Cobra-Kai´s sensei John Kreese is the show´s director, stands next to a camera)
John Kreese: I SAID, START THE SHOW!! DO YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THAT, MR. LAWRENCE???!!!
Johnny Lawrence: (bows) No sensei!
John Kreese: GOOD!
Johnny Lawrence: Ok, lets get the conversation started. Here´s a question that I think we bad guys get a lot. Why are you bad? Lets start with Hans Gruber.
Alex Forest: Johnny, don´t you think you should start with me?
Johnny Lawrence: No, we´re going in order, Alex.
Alex Forest: (angry) I´m not gonna be ignored, Johnny!
Johnny Lawrence: No one, no one–no one is ignoring you. Jeez…so Hans, why are you bad?
Hans Gruber: Well, my name is Hans Gruber. And….I…sound…like…this. So…my options…were…limited.
Johnny Lawrence: Alex, why are you bad?
Alex Forest: I´m bad for love, Johnny. Do you wanna be bad with me? Please, say yes. (lusty looks, licks and smacks her lips)
Johnny Lawrence: Ok, you need to go way back, Alex. Ok? Jamie, why are you bad?
Jamie Gumb: Ummm, I´m a crazy person? Hahaha…
Johnny Lawrence: And I would say that I don´t consider myself bad. I´m just a prick. Mercy is for the weak.(looks for approval from his sensei, looks like he has it) All right. Ok, moving on. Valentine´s Day is just around the corner. What do you guys look for in your significant others? Hans?
Hans Gruber: The opposite of….McLane. Officer….John McLane.
Johnny Lawrence: Alex?
Alex Forest: I´m looking for a strapping young man, athletic, floppy blond hair, preferably a red jacket…
Johnny Lawrence: Fantastic. Jamie?
Jamie Gumb: If I had to choose, I´m looking for a great, big, fat person.
Alex Forest: (to Jamie) I like you. You´re interesting.
Jamie Gumb: Trust me. I´m the all time wrongest tree to bark up.(giggles)
Alex Forest: Ouch, me likey, me likey.
Johnny Lawrence: Seriously, Alex. Don´t. Oh, this is always an interesting question. Um, what´s the worst thing you´ve ever done? Hans?
Hans Gruber: I failed to kill…John McLane.
Alex Forest: I was unkind to a rabbit.
Jamie Gumb: Worst thing? One time I murdered a woman and cut off her flesh for the purposes of sewing it into a skin suit that I could wear over my own skin instead of getting a sex change operation…hahahaha!
(All the bad guys are stunned)
Johnny Lawrence: Wow, I was going to say that I once cheated in a karate tournament but it seems kind of lame now. Well, that´s all the time we have—
John Kreese: FINISH IT!!!
Johnny Lawrence: I´m trying to finish—
John Kreese: FINISH IT!!!
Johnny Lawrence: Jeez, all right. That´s all the time we have on Bad Guys, Good Conversation. Join me next week when my guests will be Biff form “Back to the Future” and the lady from “Misery”.
(Bad Guys, Good Conversation logo)
(cheers and applause)
(fade)
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel