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  Season 34: Episode 17

08q: Dwayne Johnson / Ray LaMontagne

MacGruber III

MacGruber…..Will Forte
Vicky…..Kristen Wiig
MacGyver… Richard Dean Anderson

[FADE IN on the ends of two electric wires as a spark jumps between them. CUT among various shots of pontoon planes, hands tinkering with materials, and exploding buildings.]

Singers:
“MacGruber!
Their father-son relationship has gone into the dumper!
MacGruber!
He wishes that his dad had reversed his vasectomy!
MacGruber!
His dad’s a freakin’ butt-hole!”

[CUT to MacGyver in a karate pose against footage of flames, as MacGruber flips him off from behind and reverts to thumbs-up when MacGyver suddenly turns around.]

Singers: “MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!”

[CUT to an hijacked cocaine tanker. SUPERIMPOSE caption, “Hijacked Cocaine Tanker.” CUT to a sign marked “Tanker Control Room” as sirens wail.]

MacGyver: [struggling with locked door] It’s locked!

Vicky: That’s not all, MacGruber! From the looks of that dirty bomb, we’ve got exactly twenty seconds!!

MacGruber: Okay, don’t worry, Vicky, because I will get the two of us out of here! [ MacGyver rolls his eyes ] Now, hand me that electrical wire!

Vicky: Here you go, MacGruber!

MacGruber: Okay! Vicky! Tell the person on your right to hand me that paperclip, and tell him to go take a long walk off a very short pier.

MacGyver: [ handing her the paperclip ] Vicky… tell the person who asked for this that his mother and I always wanted a girl, and we were delighted we got one.

[ MacGruber laughs condescendingly ]

Vicky: Okay, here, MacGruber. [ hands over the paperclip ]

MacGruber: Okay, Vicky — tell the same guy that, when he dies, I will scatter his ashes in my toilet, and then I will scatter something else over that.

MacGyver: Oh, good! I hope you do!

MacGruber: GOOD! Then, I will!

MacGyver: GOOD!!

MacGruber: GOOD!!!

MacGyver: GOOD!!!!

MacGruber: GOOD!!!!!

MacGyver: GOOD!!!!!!

MacGruber: I will NEVER… EVER!! forgive you!!!

MacGyver: GOOD!! I hope you don’t!!

[ Vicky stares disjointedly at the two men. The tension is so thick it can be cut with a knife made from a paperclip. ]

MacGruber: Let’s get back to the…

[CUT to the tanker exploding and spewing smoke everywhere.]

Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!

[CUT to outerspace scene, as a spaceport drifts past. SUPERIMPOSE caption, “spaceport 2040.” CUT to a sign marked “Space Port Control Room”.]

Vicky: MacGruber, I’m… sorry for your loss. Your dad was a good man.

MacGruber: [ solemn ] Yeah. I was just thinking about something I said about him in anger, long ago.

Vicky: Um… do you want some alone time?

MacGruber: No. I want you to be here for this.

[ reveal longshot of MacGruber seated on toilet ] Goodbye, Dad. [ he pushes the urn between his legs, then flushes ]

[ a moment of silence ]

MacGruber: Now, where were we?

Vicky: One second, MacGruber!!!

[ MacGruber jumps to his feet, his bare ass dangling in the wind ]

[CUT to the spaceport exploding and spewing smoke everywhere.]

Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 17

08q: Dwayne Johnson / Ray LaMontagne

MacGruber II

MacGruber…..Will Forte
Vicky…..Kristen Wiig
MacGyver… Richard Dean Anderson
Mrs. MacGyver…..Abby Elliott
Assistant…..Michaela Watkins

[FADE IN on the ends of two electric wires as a spark jumps between them. CUT among various shots of pontoon planes, hands tinkering with materials, and exploding buildings.]

Singers:
“MacGruber!
He’s working with his dad now, and they’ve never been closer!
MacGruber!
They’ve even been talking about sharing an apartment!
MacGruber!
MacGyver is the perfect dad!”

[CUT to MacGruber and MacGyver arm in arm against footage of flames.]

Singers: “MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!”

[CUT to smuggler’s compound. SUPERIMPOSE caption, “Smuggler’s Compound.” CUT to a sign marked “Compound Control Room” as sirens wail.]

MacGyver: [struggling with locked door] MacGruber! There’s no way out!

Vicky: And from the looks of that C4 explosive, we’ve only got 20 seconds!

MacGruber: Don’t worry, guys! Nothing bad will ever happen to you! Not on my watch. [ he smiles at MacGyver; MacGyver gives him a thumbs-up ] Vicky! Hand me that piece of chalk!

Vicky: You’ve got it, MacGruber!

MacGruber: Okay, Dad — that gum wrapper!

MacGyver: Here you go, MacGruber! Turn it over, I… wrote you a little note. [ he smiles sheepishly ]

MacGruber: [ reads, then smiles ] I love you, too, Daddy! [ they exchange smiles ] Vicky! Hand me that toothpick!

Vicky: You got it!

MacGruber: Okay, Dad! How much do you love me: a bunchy-bunch, or a little itty-bitty-bitty?

MacGyver: A bunchy-bunch, MacGruber!

MacGruber: Great! Okay, Vicky — wait! [ to MacGyver ] Then, why did you abandon me?

MacGyver: Well, MacGruber, it’s a long story.

MacGruber: We’ve got time.

Vicky: Ten seconds!!

MacGyver: [ dramatically ] It was a cold, December night…

[ dissolve to flashback sequence: “MacGyver Home 1973” ]

[ cut to interior, MacGyver home, the same set as the Compound Control Room ]

[ MacGyver, his bags packed, heads for the door ]

Mrs. MacGyver: Why are you leaving?

MacGyver: To start a new life, with Lacey.

Mrs. MacGyver: Lacey?

MacGyver: Yes. The perfect name… for the perfect stripper. [ Mrs. MacGyber rolls her eyes ] But, don’t worry. Nothing bad will ever happen ro her — not on my watch.

Assistant: Three seconds, MacGyver!

[ MacGyver turns for the door and jiggles the handle ]

MacGyver: The door’s locked.

[CUT to the MacGyver home exploding and spewing smoke everywhere.]

Singers: MACGYVER-RRR!!!!!

[ dissolve back to MacGruber looking stunned ]

MacGruber: My God… my dad’s a dick!

MacGyver: I’m out of here!

[ MacGyver turns for the door and jiggles the handle ]

MacGyver: The door’s locked.

[CUT to the smuggler’s compound exploding and spewing smoke everywhere.]

Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!

[ fade ]

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 17

08q: Dwayne Johnson / Ray LaMontagne

MacGruber

MacGruber…..Will Forte
Vicky…..Kristen Wiig
MacGyver… Richard Dean Anderson
Doctor…..Jason Sudeikis
Mrs. MacGyver…..Abby Elliott
Assistant…..Michaela Watkins

[FADE IN on the ends of two electric wires as a spark jumps between them. CUT among various shots of pontoon planes, hands tinkering with materials, and exploding buildings.]

Singers:
“MacGruber!
Making life-saving inventions out of household materials!
MacGruber!
Getting in and out of ultra-sticky situations!
MacGruber!
The guy’s a freakin’ genius!”

[CUT to MacGruber in a karate pose against footage of flames.]

Singers: “MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!”

[CUT to a toxic oil refinery. SUPERIMPOSE caption, “Toxic Oil Refinery.” CUT to a sign marked “Oil Refinery Control Room” as sirens wail.]

Vicky: [struggling with locked door] MacGruber, this door is welded shut! And from the looks of that dynamite we’ve got exactly 20 seconds!

MacGruber: Okay, just stay calm, because everything I need to defuse this bomb is inside this room… Vicky, toss me that pen cap!

Vicky: On the way, MacGruber!

MacGruber: New guy! What’s your name again?

MacGyver: [he turns around] MacGyver.

MacGruber: MacGyver? that’s a stupid name… MacGyver! Pass me that thumbtack!

MacGyver: I’d go with the gum wrapper.

MacGruber: Aaaanndd… I care about what you’re saying, because…?

MacGyver: I’m just saying, I’d do it a little differently.

MacGruber: Well, MacGyver, you’re not MacGruber!

MacGyver: [ smugly ] That’s what you think.

MacGruber: What’s that supposed to mean?

Vicky: Ten seconds!

MacGyver: [ dramatically ] It was a… cold, December night…

[ dissolve to flashback sequence: “Abandoned Hospital 1972” ]

[ cut to interior, hospital room, the same set as the Oil Refinery Control Room ]

Doctor: It’s a boy, Mr. MacGyver. [ hands the baby to its mother ] What are you going to call him?

MacGyver: [ proudly ] MacGruber!

Doctor: [ confused ] MacGruber MacGyver?

[ Mrs. MacGyver rolls her eyes as well ]

MacGyver: The perfect name for the perfect baby!

Assistant: Three seconds, MacGyver!

[ Hydrogen Sensor needle bounces from OK to DANGER ]

MacGyver: [ grabs his newborn son ] Don’t you worry, MacGruber! Nothing bad is ever going to happen to you! Not on my watc —

[CUT to the abandoned hospital exploding and spewing smoke everywhere.]

Singers: MACGYVER-RRR!!!!!

[ dissolve back to MacGruber looking at a photograph of himself as a toddler with MacGyver ]

MacGruber: Dickh —

[CUT to the oil refinery exploding and spewing smoke everywhere.]

Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 17

08q: Dwayne Johnson / Ray LaMontagne

Lighthouse Date

Guy…..Dwayne Johnson
Date…..Kristen Wiig
Captain…..Will Forte
First Mate…..Andy Samberg
Sailor 1…..Bill Hader
Sailor 2…..Bobby Moynihan
Jet Skiier…..Jason Sudeikis

[ open on night exterior, lighthouse on cliff ]

[ dissolve to interior, as Guy brings Date up to the top of the lighthouse ]

Guy: So! This is my place!

Date: [ impressed ] Wow! You live in a lighthouse? This is SO romantic!

Guy: Yeah, uh, I’m kind of the Don Juan of marine safety!

Date: [ giggles ] Ooh, I’ll be the judge of that!

[ Guy moves in to kiss his date, then he stops ]

Guy: You know what? Hold on. Let me just… set the mood.

Date: Okay.

[ he shuts the beacon light off ]

Date: That’s better!

[ suddenly, a crash sounds below ]

[ cut to the jagged rocks below, where a Captain and his First Mate lie sprawled on their backs as waves splash upon them ]

Captain: Oh, Krewe of Poseidon!! We’ve been scuttleholed!!

First Mate: The rocks came out of nowheres!! Why didn’t anyone warn us?!

[ cut back to the romantic setting of the lighthouse ]

Guy: You know what? I’m just gonna turn this light back on. [ he flips the switch ] Now… where were we?

[ cut back to the jagged rocks below ]

Captain: Pleeeeeease!! If anyone can hear us… sing out!!

First Mate: Captain! The beacon! It shines!

Captain: But, WHERE was it before?! Ohhh, what evil trick is this?!!

[ cut back to the romantic setting of the lighthouse ]

Date: Do you hear that? It sounds like screaming.

Guy: I… hear my… heart screaming… that it wants you.

[ she blushes ]

Guy: Let me throw on a little music. [ he turns the stereo on, as salsa music emerges ] Do you like salsa?

Date: [ she laughs coyly ] I like eating it!

Guy: [ he laughs ] Well, then I hope your ears are hungry!

[ he claps his hands to the music, but the beacon light shuts off ]

Date: What happened?

Guy: I guess this lighthouse is hooked up to The Clapper. That’s weird.

[ another crash sounds below ]

Voice: Our ship’s been torn asunder!!

Date: Did someone just yell… rocks?

[ cut back to the jagged rocks below, a pair of sailors now spread across the captain and his first mate ]

Sailor 1: St. Elmo has forsaken us!! Our vessel is ruined!!

Sailor 2: But what of the lighthouse?! Is no one manning it?!

Captain: Ayeee!!! The Devil himself!!!

[ cut back to the romantic setting of the lighthouse ]

Guy: M-maybe I should just keep this on. [ he flips the beacon light back on ]

Date: Are you sure there’s no one down there?

Guy: No! It — it’s whales, and… and they say the only way to calm them is with the sound of two near-strangers making love. [ his date swoons ] But they’ll also, uh, accept a B.J.

Date: I’m gonna go down there.

Guy: Ah, that’s what I like to hear! [ he begins to pull his shirt out of his pants ] Oh, wait… you mean, to go check on the people. I mean, the WHALES! I agree! But, before you do… let’s have a drink. Do you like, uh, margaritas?

Date: No. I adore them.

Guy: [ he chuckles ] One margarita coming up!

[ he starts the blender, which causes an electrical short in the lighthouse that culminates in the beacon light shutting off again ]

[ another crash sounds below ]

Voice: WHAT THE HELL?!!

Date: [ astonished ] Okay, now what was that?!

[ cut back to the jagged rocks below, a jetskiier now moored aside the captain, his first mate, and the sailors ]

Jetskiier: HEY!! How am I — [ a wave splashes him across the face ] How am I supposed to take a midnight jet ski if there’s no lighthouse?!

Captain: Steel yourelf, men!! There’s a sea beast about us!!

Sailor 1: Run ‘im through!!!

[ they all begin to attack the jetskiier with various pieces of timber from their boats ]

[ cut back to the romantic setting of the lighthouse ]

Date: Okay, someone clearly needs help!

Guy: You’re — you’re right — you’re right! We should organize a search party. [ a beat ] I’m gonna check underneath that dress.

Date: [ she points a finger at him ] I do not like your double entendres — I love them! And I don’t care if there are whales down there, ’cause the only whale in here is gonna be you wailing on my fanny.

[ cut back to the jagged rocks below, where the jetskiier lies dead across his vessel ]

Captain: What in Davey Jones’ locker is going on that lighthouse?!

[ they all scream as the waves pound harder upon them ]

First Mate: What do we do now, Captain?

Captain: We wait here — FOR DEATH!!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 17

08q: Dwayne Johnson / Ray LaMontagne

Hawaiian Bar

Brother 1….Fred Armisen
Brother 2….Dwayne Johnson
Newlyweds….Bobby Moynihan, Michaela Watkins
Boston couple….Bill Hader, Casey Wilson
Young couple….Andy Samberg, Kristen Wiig
Middle age man….Darrell Hammond
Young dudes….Jason Sudeikis, Kenan Thompson
Couple by the bar….Will Forte, Abby Elliott

(Opens with shot of a beach resort in Hawaii, cut to inside of the resort restaurant)

(Two guys wearing flowered colored Hawaiian shirts and dried grass skirts are the night’s entertainment. One plays an ukulele, the other one dances and sings a traditional Hawaiian song. They approach one of the tables.)

Brothers: (sings) Ah, no, ah, no eh, ke, le, me, neh, ah, ah, no, ah, no, meh, me, ne he leh, ah, no, ah, no, me tu lu me ne,he, leh.

Brother 1: Aloha, welcome to the island of Hawaii.

(Newlyweds enjoy traditional exotic drinks)

Newlywed Husband: Thank you, thank you.

Newlywed Wife: We’re on our honeymoon!

Brother 2: Awww, how sweet.

Brother 1: Yeah, honeymoon in Hawaii…that’s original.

Newlywed Husband: (unsure) Well, thanks.

Newlywed Wife: Must be fun working here, huh?

Brother 1: Oh, great. They make us wear grass skirts…

Brother 2: We play the same song over and over…

Brother 1: We make $7 an hour. Its a dream job.

Newlywed Wife: Well, Hawaii is a beautiful place to live.

Brother 1: You should’ve seen it before it was covered in hotels.

Brother 2: Yes, this is a fun fact from Hawaii. Our biggest export is coffee and our biggest import is fat, white people.

(Newlywed husband touches his belly. The Brothers break into their song)

Brothers:(sing) Ah, no, ah, no….

(They get to another couple’s table)

Brother 2: Aloha.

Boston Man: Aloha!

Brother 1: Where are you guys from?

Boston Woman: Boston.

Brother 1: Boston. Let me ask you guys a question. When you guys go to a restaurant in Boston, is it acceptable to wear Crocs and a bathing suit?

Boston Man: What?

Brother 2: Well, you know, in Hawaii we have a name for people like you. Garbage.

(They leave the insulted Boston couple and break into their traditional song)

Brothers:(sing) Ah, no, ah, no….

(Brothers arrive at a young couple’s table)

Brother 2: Hey, how are you guys tonight?

Young Man: We’re great.

Young Woman: This place is so peaceful. You must love living here.

Brother 1: Its peaceful. Its peaceful in your ocean front resorts. My brother and I here, live 15 miles inland. Yeah, there’s a rusty pick-up truck with weeds growing out of it. That’s our house.

Brother 2: Yeah, you want to come visit? Its real easy to get to. You just drive through the shanty town, make a right on the meth lab and you’ll see a 15 year old who got pregnant by an out of town businessman. Then ask for his brother. That’s me.

(They leave the stunned young couple and break into their traditional song)

Brothers:(sing) Ah, no, ah, no…..

(Brothers get close to a middle-age man in a suit sitting alone in his table)

Middle-aged Man: Skip me, please. I hate this kind of thing. Squeegee musicians. Skip me!

Brother 1: Ok

Brother 2: Ok.

Brother 1: I can respect that.

Brother 2: Respect, respect that.

Brothers: (sings) Ah, no, ah, no…

(They continue down to a young dude’s table. The young dudes wear traditional leis around their necks)

Young Dude 1: Hey, guys, guys…check it out. Leis! (shows his leis, grins)

Young Dude 2: Yeah, the second we got out the plane we got “lei’d” (cracks himself him, high five’s his partner)

(Brother 2 spills their exotic drinks in their laps. Resume the traditional song)

Brothers: (sing) Ah, no, ah, no….

(The Brothers approach a young couple by the bar singing and dancing)

Young man at the bar: Wow, you guys are great.

Young woman at the bar: I love your traditional dance. What does it mean?

Brother 2: Oh, well, it means I dropped out of high school so now I got to dance like a monkey in front of you people.

Brother 1: You guys probably assume that Hawaiians are uneducated. Its not like our President is Hawaiian or anything.

Young woman at the bar: Barack Obama? Isn’t he from Illinois?

Brother 2: (about to break her face) You know what?!

Brother 1: (holds his brother back) Hold on, hold on, hold on. Its ok, its ok. She knows, now she knows.

Young man at the bar: (afraid) Anyway, aloha.

Brother 2: Oh wow, (mockingly) “Aloha”. You know, you really made an effort to learn our language.

Brother 1: Yeah, you know, aloha has multiple meanings.

Brother 2: Yeah, it means hello, goodbye and suck it!

Brother 1: Yeah, so aloha.

Brother 2: Yeah, aloha HARD!

(Brothers break into their traditional song and dance)

Brothers: (sing) Ah, no, ah, no…

Brother 1: You know, I think our shifts are over now.

Brother 2: Yeah, too bad, brother. I was having fun.

Brother 1: Yeah, I really like those people.

Brother 2: Yeah…

(Brother 2 goes to the young dude’s table and spills their new drinks in their laps again. The brothers go out the door playing their traditional tune)

(cheers and applause)

(fade)

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 17

08q: Dwayne Johnson / Ray LaMontagne

Goodnights

…..Dwayne Johnson

Dwayne Johnson: Thanks to the incredible Ray LaMontagne! Thank you, thank you to my boy, Justin Timberlake! And thank you to my girl, Jessica Biel! To Lorne Michaels, the entire cast and crew of “Saturday Night Live”, I love you! Thank you! We kicked aaaaaaaaaaaasssssssss!!!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 17

08q: Dwayne Johnson / Ray LaMontagne

A Message from the Secretary of the Treasury

Timothy Geithner…..Will Forte
Caller 1…..John Lutz
Caller 2…..Jason Sudeikis
Caller 3…..Bill Hader
Caller 4…..Paula Pell
Caller 5…..Kenan Thompson

[ open on The Department of the Treasury seal ]

Announcer: The following is a special address from the Secretary of the Treasury.

[ dissolve to Timothy Geithner, seated at desk ]

Timothy Geithner: Good evening. I’m Timothy Geithner, United States Secretary of the Treasury. As I speak to you tonight, our nation is in the midst of an economic crisis. A crisis as severe as ANY in its history. It is a crisis SO severe… that should we fail to get out of it, one thing is certain: it WON’T be the fault of the current administration. It will simply be ecause the crisis was TOO severe to get out of. At its core, this crisis is a crisis of our banking system. Right now, because of the excessive and unwise lending of the last eight years, banks have STOPPED making loans. Businesses cannot get credit, so employees are laid off. Individuals cannot get mortgages, so home prices are collapsing. And companies cannot expand, so their stock price is plummeting.

As individuals lose their savings — or their jobs — they have less to invest, credit tightens further. And the vicious cycle deepens. So, this is the problem: to restore the flow of credit and the health of our banking system. Now, what is the solution? Earlier today, I proposed that the Federal Treasury set aside $420 billion. This $420 billion will be placed in a special fund, and will go to the FIRST individual who comes up with a workable plan to solve the banking crisis. [ the audience cheers ] If you have such a plan, or know of someone who does, you can call the number on the screen below to tell us what it is.

[ SUPER: “1-800-IDEAS?” ]

Now, I know what you’re thinking: what if two different callers each come up with the idea to save the banking system. Who would get the $420 billion? Well, in such a case, each of them would receive $210 billion. If three people have the idea, they would each get $140 billion. If four people: $105 billion. And if five people have the solution to our banking crisis, they would get $84 billion each. It’s all laid out in detail on this chart. [ holds up a chart labeled: “SOLVING OUR NATION’S BANKING CRISIS” ] Now, you might ask: what if six different individuals come up with a plan. What would they receive? [ he grimaces ] We don’t have these figures yet. But, uh, we’ll release them in the weeks ahead.

[ Geithner glances offscreen, nods ]

And we’ve got our first caller on the line! [ presses a button on his phone ] Hello, Gary! What is your plan to save the crisis in our banking system?

Caller 1: I think the federal government should agree to assume all the banks’ loans, on the bucks of the nation’s banks. That way, the banks can start lending again, and people would know it’s safe to leave their money there.

Timothy Geithner: [ impressed ] Saaaay, Gary… that’s pretty good! Get rid of all the band loans. I like it… I like it!

Caller 1: [ hesitant ] Do I get the $20 billion?

Timothy Geithner: Well! Not just yet. We still have to hear what ideas other people have. But I would say you’re looking good! You are DEFINATELY looking good!

Caller 1: Great!

Timothy Geithner: Okay. [ presses a button on his phone ] Dominic! You’re on the line! What is your plan to save the nation’s banks?

Caller 2: Uh, yeah… Tim, I don’t think Gary’s plan would work.

Timothy Geithner: [ stunned ] Why not?

Caller 2: Well, first of all, you can’t have the government assuming all those bad loans! [ he chuckles] That’s like an insurance company insuring houses that are already on fire! Also, you’d have every bank in the country bobbing off all their bad loan decision on the taxpayer.

Timothy Geithner: [ shakes his head in defeat ] You’re right… you’re right. Those are good points, Dominic. Gary’s idea may not be the way to go. But do you have a plan to address the banking crisis?

Caller 2: Uhhh, not relaly. No, but I can try to think of one. Can I get back to you?

Timothy Geithner: Absolutely! I’ll be right here! Right here! [ he presses a button on his phone ] Louis? You’re on the line. What is your plan?

Caller 3: I’ve got the solution to the bank crisis.

Timothy Geithner: Oh, great! Let’s hear it!

Caller 3: Not so fast! First, I get the money. And then, I tell you the plan.

Timothy Geithner: Well, that’s not the way this works.

Caller 3: Well, how do I know you’re not gonna use my idea, and then claim you thought of it?

Timothy Geithner: I would never do that…

Caller 3: How about I get half the money now, and the other half AFTER I tell you the plan?

Timothy Geithner: Nah, I can’t do it.

Caller 3: Oh. How about a third of the money first?

Timothy Geithner: [ considering ] Done!

Caller 3: I’ll leave the bank work instructions with your operator. Once the money’s in my account, I’ll call you back.

Timothy Geithner: Okay. You’d better! We have a deal! Okay. [ he presses a button on his phone ] Denise, you’re on the line.

Caller 4: If you use my idea to solve the banking crisis and I get the reward money, do I have to pay taxes on it?

Timothy Geithner: Of course! [ he turns to a side camera ] Everybody has to pay taxes. That’s the law. [ he returns to the main camera, then presses a button on his phone ] Hello, Nkumo! You’re on the line.

Caller 5: Hello, Tim. How are you tonight?

Timothy Geithner: [ chuckles heartily ] I’m doing great! Now, what’s your plan, Nkumo?

Caller 5: Well, do you have a minute? It’s somewhat complicated.

Timothy Geithner: Sure. Go ahead.

Caller 5: Alright. Well, I’m a Nigerian prince… currently living in exile in Europe. Now, back in Nigeria, there is a fortune of nearly $700 million, which belongs to ME!

Timothy Geithner: [ still listening ] Uh-huh.

Caller 5: But in order to claim it, I need a certain amount of cash for government easy payments of Nigerian officials.

Timothy Geithner: Well, how much cash would you need?

Caller 5: About… $175,000.

Timothy Geithner: [ his wheels turning ] Saaayy… suppose the U.S. Treasury were to front you the $175,000. Would you be willing to give us… a portion of the $700 million?

Caller 5: [ squealing with delight ] Absolutely!! In fact, I was JUST going to propose something along those lines!

Timothy Geithner: Fantastic! Now, don’t hang up, Nkumo — I’m gonna transfer you to one of our operators, she’ll take down your information.

Caller 5: That would be fine, Tim. Thank you.

Timothy Geithner: No! Thank you! Okay. [ he hangs up his phone ] Alright, good deal! On that positive note, I’m going to take a short break. But these lines will remain open, 24 hours, 7 days a week, ’til this crisis has passed. You’ll probably get me personally. But, in the meantime, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 17

08q: Dwayne Johnson / Ray LaMontagne

Game Time with Dave and Greg

Dave Delmonte…..Dwayne Johnson
Greg…..Bill Hader
Caller 1…..Fred Armisen
Caller 2…..Darrell Hammond
Caller 3…..Bobby Moynihan
Caller 4…..Seth Meyers
Randy Dukes…..Kenan Thompson

[ title card ]

[ dissolve to sports talk show set, featuring a jovial Dave seated next to a ?? Greg ]

Dave Delmonte: Hi! And welcome to another edition of “Game Time with Dave and Greg”, your one-stop shop for sports talk! I’m former NFL linebacker Dave Delmonte… and, with me, as always, is my co-host Greg — [ quickly ] Greg is not an alien! And, today, we’ve got just one topic: March Madness. We’re a week away from Selection Sunday. Who’s going to be in, and who’s going to be out? Let’s go to the phones. Caller, are you there?

Caller 1: Um, yeah, uh — this is Chuck in Seacaucus. Um — look, you guys, I love the show. I gotta say, Dave, you were wrong about O.U. I mean, wow, man, can you spell “upset”?

Dave Delmonte: Alright, alright! You got me! Way to go, Chuck!

Greg: [ in a deep, slow alien-like voice ] Way to goooooo… Chuck! [ laughs ]

Caller 1: Yeah, uh — I gotta say about Greg. The guy’s an alien, right? I mean, he talks weird, he’s got no eyebrows, he don’t know nothing about Earth, you know? I don’t — I — I love the show.

Dave Delmonte: Thank you, Caller! And Greg is NOT an alien!

Greg: [ laughs ] Way to goooooo… Chuck!

Dave Delmonte: [ pats Greg’s hand ] Shhhhh… We’re gonna take a break. Back in a few minutes with more “Game Time”!

[ cut to title graphic ]

Announcer: Do you love “Game Time”? Well, now you can love in twelve months a year, with the new “Game Time” calendar…

[ reveal calendar graphic, which flips to reveal posed photos of Dave and Greg from over the years. Note that Greg’s image remains consistent, while Dave physically ages over the years. ]

Announcer: …featuring classic photos from twenty-five years of America’s greatest sports show. Make EVERY month a slam dunk with the “Game Time” calendar! Greg is not an alien.

[ return to sports talk set ]

Dave Delmonte: [ leans in to whisper to Greg ] Also, you don’t have to call everyone Chuck.

Greg: Ohhhhh…

Dave Delmonte: We all have different names.

Greg: Riiiight.

Dave Delmonte: If you’re not sure, you just say “Hello.” Or — or “How do you do?”

Greg: “Hellooooo… howwwww do you do?”

Dave Delmonte: Yeah! That’s better, that’s better… [ a stagehand waves at them from off-camera ] Oh! We’re back! We’re back! Alright! Let’s open the phones again! Tom, from Buffalo!

Caller 2: Hi! The topic I want to talk about is Human Lessons, which I just saw you giving Greg coming out of the commercial.

Greg: Hey, Bob! That’s myyyyyyy tax-i-cab!

Caller 2: Okay. See? Now he’s just saying things he heard. Alright? Classic alien move. And here’s something else: he never ages! Those pictures from the calendar? He’s the same in every one! Because he’s an — [ a hang-up ]

Dave Delmonte: [ laughing nervously ] Whoo-oops! Must be some phone trouble! We’re just… moving on now!

[ Dave waves his arm and topples a glass of water onto Greg, who promptly begins to screech, freak out, and smoke profusely ]

Dave Delmonte: [ frantically ] Okay, okay, okay! Okay! Next caller! Next caller!! Next caller! Pat! Pat, from York, Pennsylvania!

Caller 3: Hey, hey! Uh — you know something? I gotta talk about what just happened with the water. I mean, you almost killed Greg, and it’s not the first time it’s happened. I mean, every week — water! [ hangs up ]

Dave Delmonte: Okay! One final caller. We’re talking March Madness, and ONLY March Madness! Joey, from Paramus. Go ahead.

Caller 4: Okay, so me and my buddies were just sitting here, and we think we’ve figured it out. So, okay: if Greg is an alien, we are now convinced.

Dave Delmonte: Greg is not an alien!

Caller 4: Oh, psh! He is! Everyone knows that! The only question is: why put him on a sports show? Now, my theory is: in order to live, he’s gotta eat human muscle. And who has more muscles than the athlete guests that come on your show — all of whom, might I add, disappear right after their interviews.

Dave Delmonte: [ unconvincingly ] They all go on vacation!

Caller 4: Dave, come on! You’re a grown man! I mean, look at ‘im — he’s got wings!

[ cut to close-up of Greg, who now sprouts lizard-like wings between his neck and shoulders ]

Caller 4: Hot all the way this year, ba-by!

Dave Delmonte: Thank you, Caller! Time for a commercial! When we come back, we’ll talk to our guest, one of the strongest offensive tackles for U.T. — Randy Dukes.

[ cut to Randy Dukes standing backstage. He scowls, then threateningly holds up a water bottle within Greg’s line of vision ]

[ cut to Greg, who reacts to the water bottle by screeching and stretching out his fingers ]

[ cut back to Dukes, who squeezes water from the bottle ]

Dave Delmonte: Stay tuned! Stay tuned!

[ title graphic ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 17


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:





Bit Players:

March 7th, 2009

Dwayne Johnson

Ray LaMontagne

None

Richard Dean Anderson

Justin Timberlake

Jessica Biel

John Mulaney

A Message from the Secretary of the TreasurySummary: Timothy Geithner (Will Forte) invites voters to suggest a better financial plan.

Transcript

Montage

Dwayne Johnson’s MonologueSummary: Dwayne Johnson proves his toughness with a well-choreographed song=and-dance number.

First Hosted: 99o.

MacGruberSummary: MacGruber’s (Will Forte) ego clashes with new guy MacGyver (Richard Dean Anderson).

Recurring Characters: MacGruber, Vicky.

Transcript

The Rock ObamaSummary: Rahm Emanuel imagines that President Barack Obama (Fred Armisen) has the ability to become angry and morph into The Rock (Dwayne Johnson) Obama during a visit from Republican senators.

Recurring Characters: President Barack Obama, Rahm Emanuel, Sen. John McCain.

Transcript

MacGruberSummary: MacGruber (Will Forte) is mad that dad MacGyver (Richard Dean Anderson) abandoned him as a child.

Recurring Characters: MacGruber, Vicky.

Transcript

Activia Commercial ShootSummary: Jamie Lee Curtis (Kristen Wiig) enjoys soiling her pants during an Activia commercial shoot.

Recurring Characters: Jamie Lee Curtis.

Hawaiian BarSummary: Hawaiian musicians (Fred Armisen, Dwayne Johnson) mock tourists in search of an authentic island experience.

Transcript

MacGruberSummary: MacGruber (Will Forte) swears he’ll take a dump on dad MacGyver’s (Richard Dean Anderson) ashes after he dies.

Recurring Characters: MacGruber, Vicky.

Transcript

Ray LaMontagne performs “You Are The Best Thing”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Republican Party President Michael Steele (Kenan Thompson) makes excuses for having apologized to Rush Limbaugh. Comics page character Cathy (Andy Samberg) acks when her husband Irving (Justin Timberlake) runs off with Jessica Rabbit (Jessica Biel). Jon Bovi (Jason Sudeikis, Will Forte) feel no shame in being a Bon Jovi Opposite Band.

Recurring Characters: Cathy, Jon Bovi.

Game Time With Dave And GregSummary: Dave Delmonte’s (Dwayne Johnson) efforts to convince callers that co-host Greg (Bill Hader) is not an alien prove to be fruitless.

Transcript

Apprentice Commercial ShootSummary: Donald Trump (Darrell Hammond) promotes his latest incarnation of “Celebrity Apprentice”.

Recurring Characters: Donald Trump, Tom Green, Joan Rivers.

Ray LaMontagne performs “Trouble”

Lighthouse DateSummary: A guy (Dwayne Johnson) who lives in a lighthouse turns down the lights to woo a date (Kristen Wiig) and leaves sea-faring individuals stranded on the rocks below.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

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SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 16

08p: Alec Baldwin / Jonas Brothers

Warrior Shake

Dad…..Alec Baldwin
Brother 1…..Jason Sudeikis
Brother 2…..Bill Hader
Mom…..Michaela Watkins

(Opens with an outside shot of a suburban house at night. Cut to the basement of the house. Two brothers play a Wii video game on TV.)

Brother 1: Good, good , good. There you go.

Brother 2: Uh-huh…

(Video game sounds, steady beeping. Brother 1 instructs Brother 2 and he shakes the control with his two hands)

Brother 1: Go up there, now good…you got it, ok, there you go.

(Dad comes down the stairs to the basement)

Dad: Hey, guys…your mother just made dinner.

Brother 1: Hey, Dad.

Dad: Let´s try and wrap it up.

Brother 1: Ok. Oh dad, you got to try this! Its an awesome game from the Wii. Ok, get the sack of coins. (Brother 2 keeps shaking the control, more beeping) Ok, now shake it! There you go.

(Brother 2 shakes the remote, beeps faster, coins jingling. Game stops)

Dad: What the hell is this thing?

Brother 1: Its called “Warrior Shake”. You´re that little dude running around and you attack your enemies by shaking the hell out of them.

Brother 2: There you go.

Brother 1: Or you can shake stacks of coins for more points. You want to try?

Dad: Oh, no. I wouldn´t know.

Brother 2: Come on, dad. Try it. Its great.

Dad: Oh, ok. All right.

(Dad gets the game´s remote control)

Brother 1: There you go.

Dad: So, I´m little fat guy?

Brother 1: Yeah, yeah, yeah…

Brother 2: Grab that sack right there. (points TV)

Dad: Like this? (game starts, video game sounds)

Brother 2: Now shake the coins out…shake!

Brother 1: There you go, you got it.

Dad: Like this? (dad plays with the remote with both hands)

Brother 2: Yeah, you´re getting a few, there you go.

Brother 1: Yeah, dad, you really want to shake it if you want the coins.

Dad: Ok, I´m trying.

Brother 1: Come on, shake it, shake it!

Dad: Like this? (dad takes the Wii´s remote with his right hand and begins to shake it vigorously in a vertical motion in front of his groin) How about this?!

(Video game beeping increases )

Brother 1: There you go!

Dad: Yeah!

Brother 1: That´s right!

(The two brothers get more excited as dad whacks away the Wii´s remote )

Brother 2: There you go!

Dad: Yeah!

Brothers: Yeah!

Dad: Yeah!, yeah!

Brother 1: That´s right!

Dad: Oooh, oooh, oooh, man!

(Game climaxes, coins jingling, game stops)

Brother 2: That´s the most coins I´ve ever seen!

Dad: Not bad for an old man, huh?

Brother 1: No, no. How did you do that?

Dad: Oh, I don´t know. I just did what came natural.

Brother 2: Do it again, do it again.

Dad: Oh, I don´t think I could do it again so soon.

Brother 1: Oh, come on, dad. You gotta try.

Dad: Ok, can I use my other hand?

Brother 1: Sure, yeah, yeah…

Brother 2: Oh, there´s a huge sack of coins. (points TV)

Brother 1: Ok, there you go. Daddy, grab that sack and shake, shake, there you go.

(Game restarts, video game beeping, dad whacks away at the Wii´s remote with his left hand)

Dad: Ok, whoa, it feels so weird. Its like someone else is playing. I´m gonna switch hands. (switches to his right hand and whacks away the Wii´s remote) There we go!

Brother 1: There we go! Yeah! Oh, yeah!

Dad: Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!

(The brothers get excited, dad whacks away Wii´s remote near his groin furiously)

Dad: Watch what I´m doing! Oh, Wow! ( Climax, coins jingling, game stops) That was incredible! I didn´t know video games were like this. Hey, can we do two players?

Brother 1: Sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah…(grabs the second player remote)

Dad: Show me your technique.

Brother 1: Ok. All right.

Brother 2: There a massive sack of coins right there. (points TV)

Dad: Oh, I saw it before you did. Let’s go! (game restarts, video game beeping) Shake!

Brother 2: Shake it!

Dad: Shake! (Brother 1 and Dad whack away on the Wii´s remotes. Brother 1 grabs the remote with his hand over it instead of under it) Yeah, I´m gonna empty my sack before you do!

Brother 1: Bring it on, dad!

Brother 2: Go!, Go!, Go!, Go!

Dad: Come on! (Dad looks at Brother 1´s technique) You´re not doing it right!

Brother 1: What do you mean?

Dad: Stop being so gentle with that thing! Here, let me show you.

(Dad grabs both Wii´s remotes and whacks away hard)

Dad and Brothers 1 and 2: Oh!, oh!, oh!, oh!, oh!

(Dad whacks away his remote in front of his groin and the other in front of Brother 1´s groin. Video game beeping, the three are excited as hell)

(Mom comes down the stairs)

Mom: Boys! Boys! What´s going on down here?

(Dad whacks away on both Wii´s remotes located in front of both brother´s groin)

Brother 1: Hold up, Mom! Don´t come down! Don´t come down!

(Dad whacks away like a madman)

Dad: WE´RE COMING! WE´RE COMING! OH, LOOK HONEY, I´M PLAYING WITH MY Wii-i-i-i-i!!!

(Game climax, coins jingling, dad and the brothers drop in the couch behind them)

Mom: Oh, my God! Oh, my goodness! You guys were having fun.

Dad: Oh, honey. You got to try this.

Brother 1: Yeah, all you gotta do is…

Dad: Oh, trust me. Your mother´s gonna be a natural.

(Game restarts. Mom grabs the Wii´s remote and jerks it up and down up to her face)

Mom: All right. Here we go. Whoo!

Brother 1: Nice.

(Cut to outside the house again)

(Cheers and applause)

(fade)

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts