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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 8

03h: Elijah Wood / Jet

Hardball

Chris Matthews…Darrell Hammond
Joe Lieberman…Chris Parnell
Hillary Clinton…Amy Poehler
Carol Moseley Braun…Kenan Thompson

Chris Matthews: Welcome back to “Hardball”, I’m Chris Matthews! Al Gore sends shockwaves through the democratic party this week by endorsing Vermont governor Howard Dean. Dean’s camp is thrilled, but come on, Al Gore endorsing your campaign? Isn’t this a little like Star Jones endorsing your diet plan? You gotta ask, does Howard Dean give the democrats the best chance to win, or is there another candidate out there who could energize this party? With us today to discuss it, Joe Lieberman!

Joe Lieberman: Chris, it’s a pleasure to be here.

Chris Matthews: God, you’ve said, like, five words and I’m already bored to death! Also joining us, the very mention of her name sends Rush Limbaugh stampeding for the Mexican pharmacy, please welcome Senator Hillary Clinton!

Hillary Clinton: It’s really nice to be here Chris.

Chris Matthews: Joe Lieberman, you couldn’t get an endorsement from your former runningmate, you gotta feel more betrayed than the people who paid ten bucks to see “From Justin to Kelly”

Joe Lieberman: Well Chris, it did sting a little when my former running mate endorsed Howard Dean. And yes, I was disappointed when my wife Hadassah endorsed Wesley Clark. And yes, I was a little miffed when my rabbi announced he was supporting Al Sharpton. But I’m just trying to focus on my campaign, and not the fact that my dog keeps using the Lieberman ’04 campaign signs in my front yard as a toilet.

Chris Matthews: I haven’t seen someone lose this much support since Pamela Anderson broke a bra strap. Hillary Clinotn, you’re not officially in this race, but many people believe that if you declared right now, you’d be the democratic front-runner. Are you in or out?

Hillary Clinton: Chris, I don’t know how many times I have to say this, I am absolutely, positively, beyond a shadow of a doubt, not running for president probably.

Chris Matthews: So you’re running?

Hillary Clinton: Definitely not. Maybe

Chris Matthews: So there’s a chance?

Hillary Clinton: Chris, for the last time, no, no, no, no, n…maybe, no.

Chris Matthews: You’re about as hard to read as Jessica Simpsons’ autobiography. Joining us now to talk about the race for the white house is an actual candidate who has about as much to win the presidency as Carol Moseley Braun…please welcome Carol Moseley Braun!

Carol Moseley Braun: Nice to be here, Chris.

Chris Matthews: Miss Braun, if you were to win the nomination, and understand, we’re talking about a bizarro wold, upside-down, parallel universe where such things are possible…

Carol Moseley Braun: Naturally.

Chris Matthews: I mean, even you have to admit, there’s literally no chance of you being elected.

Carol Moseley Braun: Of course.

Chris Matthews: But if you were to win, what would you bring to the table that would democrat or energize this party?

Carol Moseley Braun: I’ll tell you what I would bring Chris. Diversity. I am African-American, and a woman. But the diversity doesn’t stop there. Joe Lieberman is Jewish. So am I! As of two days ago. Shalom, everybody. Wesley Clark was a general. Big deal! I have begun taking karate lessons, so that someday, I can become a ninja. I represent the new face of America, Chris: The female, black, Jewish ninja face. [Makes karate chop motions]

Chris Matthews: That’s a good point. Wait, no, it’s the dumbest thing I ever heard! Hillary Clinton, if you did run, you’d like your chances against these freaks!

Hillary Clinton: Well Chris, I’m simply not going to run. I mean, I suppose it’s possible that I could swoop in at the democratic convention and make a huge splash announcing my candidacy. And it’s conceivable that I have already assembled an all-star shadow cabinet, consisting of John McCain, Tom Hanks, Rudy Giuliani, Bruce Springsteen, and Tiger Woods. But it’s simply not gonna happen. [Winks at the camera]

Joe Lieberman: Uh, can…can I just say something here Chris. If you’re looking for someone who can energize the party, Joe Lieberman is that cat. I am a hardcore, hip-hop, rock ‘n roll candidate. I bring in the noise, and provided that it is fiscally responsible, I shall bring in the funk as well. And that, my fellow Americans, is fo’ shizzle.

Chris Matthews: Yike-aroo. You’re starting to make Al Gore look like Kid Rock. When we come back, Hilary Clinton is gonna show us the drapes she’s picked out for the Lincoln bedroom. You’re watching “Hardball”, and live from New York, it’s Saturday night!

Submitted by: David Plotkin

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 8

03h: Elijah Wood / Jet

Goodnights

…..Elijah Wood

[ Elijah Wood and the cast stand on the ice rink in front of Rockefeller Center, all dressed like characters from “A Christmas Carol” ]

Elijah Wood: We’d like to thank Jet!

[ Jet waves from the studio ]

And Chris Kattan, for joining us! And the entire cast of “SNL”, for making my week incredible! Thank you so much, and Merry Christmas!

[ Elijah and the cast skate on the ice ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 8

03h: Elijah Wood / Jet

TV Funhouse

…..Elijah Wood

[ open on President George W. Bush addressing members of the Air Force, dressed like a fighter pilot himself ]

President George W. Bush: Operation Iraqi Freedom was carried out with a precision.. speed.. and boldness.. the world had not seen before.

[ cut to Bush addressing members of the Army during their Thanksgiving dinner, dressed like a soldier himself ]

President George W. Bush: On this Thanksgiving, you and I have taken an oath.. to defend our country. We will win because our cause is just!

[ cut to Bush speaking with construction workers, dressed like one himself ]

President George W. Bush: We’ve worked to preserve thousands of jobs for America. Construction workers. I’ve called upon Congress to pass the Jobs & Growth package. And we’ve lowered taxes once again to create jobs.

[ cut to Bush speaking with senior citizens, dressed in a hospital gown and clutching a walker ]

President George W. Bush: Most seniors have got some form of prescription drug coverage from a private plan. This new Medicare bill I’m going to sign.. the seniors are plenty capable of making choices themselves.

[ cut to Bush speaking at an elementary school, dressed like a prattling schoolboy holding a giant sucker ]

President George W. Bush: We’ve got a brand new reading iniative, that says no child left behind. The budget boost funding, for elementary and secondary education. $53.1 billion.

[ cut to Bush speaking with NASA scientists, dressed like Mr. Spock ]

President George W. Bush: I’ve been a strong supporter of NASA. I do believe that the space program is important for our country, that it is trying to stay on the leading edge of technological change.

[ cut to Bush speaking to environmentalists, dressed like a tree, complete with live owl on his branch-shoulder ]

President George W. Bush: The healthy forest initiative.. environment legislation, placing stringent limits on the pollution that harms our water. Without sacrificing good jobs!

Owl: Hootsie said.. that’s a winner!

[ cut to Bush speaking to postal workers, dressed like a large, stamped envelope ]

President George W. Bush: This country prospers.. because of postal workers who give their.. best effort every day.. to make America a better place.

[ cut to Bush speaking with Africans, dressed like a monkey ]

President George W. Bush: The relationship between America and Africa.. will benefit both our people. On this journey I’ve also seen the economic potential of Africa. Botswana is a model of economic reform and has one of the highest sustained economic growth rates in the world. [ gorilla sneaks up beihnd bush and caresses him, Bush pushes the gorilla away to angry protests from the crowd ] Yet, far too many Africans still live in poverty. And providing effective and promoting.. providing effective aid, promoting free markets and the rule of law, and encouraging greater trade, we will help millions of Africans find more opportunity and a chance for a better life. [ gorilla returns, humping bush’s backside ] In Botswana, I visited one of our new hubs for global competitiveness that is helping African businesses sell —

[ cut to Bush addressing the crowd at the lighting of the White House Christmas tree, dressed like Jesus ]

President George W. Bush: And now, as an expression of hope in this Christmas season, we light the tree. 5.. 4.. 3.. 2.. 1.

[ Bush pushes the lever, but the lights don’t turn on ]

President George W. Bush: We light the tree.

[ Bush again pushes the lever, but no lights come on ]

President George W. Bush: ..light the tree.

[ Bush pushes the level one last time, as two lone lights finally shine on the tree ]

President George W. Bush: The fellows responsible for these crimes will pay a serious price. Wherever they are, we will hunt them down, one by one!

[ the group breaks into song ]

All:
“We wish you a Merry Christmas
We wish you a Merry Christmas
We wish you a Merry Christmas
And a Happy New Year!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 8

03h: Elijah Wood / Jet

Dean For President 2004

Al Gore…..Darrell Hammond
Howard Dean…..Jeff Richards

Announcer: The following is paid for by Dean For President 2004.

[ dissolve to Al Gore and Howard Dean sitting side by side ]

Al Gore: Hello. I’m Al Gore.

Howard Dean: And I’m howard Dean!

Al Gore: As I’m sure you’re all aware.. we are, to-day, a na-tion.. in cri-sis.. poised on the edge.. of ca-tas-tro-phe.. and without a change in leadership.. we are quite literally.. doomed. It is essential.. that we have a new.. president.. in 2004. A leader with the judgment.. courage.. and vision.. to change our nation’s course and save it.. from disaster. A leader.. like Vermont governor – and my friend – Howard Dean.

Howard Dean: Thank you!

Al Gore: That’s why I’m pleased – and proud – to give him my support for President of the United States.

Howard Dean: I’m honored, Mr. Vice-President!

Al Gore: Like you.. Howard Dean knows.. that, under our current asministration, life in america has been good mainly for the wealthy! For everyone else.. it’s a living, breathing nightmare. As Paul Krugman has pointed out in the New York Times.. George W. Bush is not only.. the worst president in american history.. he is the worst leader of any nation on Earth.. going back more than 500 years!

Howard Dean: Really? I mean.. I’m no fan of President Bush, but uh.. but what about Hitler?

Al Gore: Number Three.

Howard Dean: Pol Pot?

Al Gore: Number Six.

Howard Dean: [ scoffs ] I’m not sure I’d buy that.

Al Gore: Oh no, that’s accurate. It’s from Tuesday’s column. [ back to his sales pitch ] Like you, Howard Dean knows.. the wreckless.. foreign policy of the current administration has alienated our allies.. and left us in a hopeless quagmire in Iraq, where, quite frankly, our military’s looking like a bunch of incompetent.. cowardly.. losers!

Howard Dean: Let me just say that I, uh.. I have nothing but.. respect for our troops.

Al Gore: As President, only a Howard Dean.. could end this insanity. Only a Howard Dean.. could go to Saddam Hussein and say, “Look! Why are we fighting each other? Our real enemy.. is George.. W. Bush.”

Howard Dean: For the record, that is, uh.. not actually my position on Iraq, I.. don’t know where you got that..

Al Gore: In domestic policy, Howard Dean will show the same kind of leadership.. by calling for massive across-the-board tax increases.

Howard Dean: No.. [ chuckles nervously ]

Al Gore: Tax increases may not be popular.. but Howard Dean knows.. they’re essential. Essential! If we’re to fund the huge new government programs our nation needs!

Howard Dean: I never said that!

Al Gore: Now.. in this election.. you’re gonig to hear a lot from the right wing about gay marriage.

Howard Dean: Ix-nay, please. Ix-nay.

Al Gore: That’s because, under Governor Howard Dean, Vermont became the first state in the nation.. to recognize gay marriage.

Howard Dean: Civil unions, not gay marriage.

Al Gore: Basically the same thing.

Howard Dean: You’re not help-ing.

Al Gore: As President, only a howard Dean could have – or would have – the vision to make gay marriage a national policy.

Howard Dean: This isn’t helping.

Al Gore: Now, some people don’t approve of gay marriage, but I’m with Howard Dean. Why shouldn’t gays marry? They let people like George W. Bush get married!

Howard Dean: That doesn’t even make sense.

Al Gore: As our nation continues its downward spiral.. and Americans desperately cry out for leadership.. our current president can only tell us, “Don’t worry, we’ll be alright, God has blessed America.” Like you, Howard Dean.. knows.. that’s a crock!

Howard Dean: Actually, I’m a very religious person..

Al Gore: This November, let’s all put our faith.. in Howard Dean.

[ dissolve to ad card ]

Announcer: Paid for by Dean For President 2004. Opinions expressed by supporters of Dean For President 2004 do not necessarily reflect those of the candidate.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 8

03h: Elijah Wood / Jet

Boys Choir

Choir Teacher…..Kenan Thompson
Bobby…..Jimmy Fallon
Todd…..Elijah Wood
Tony…..Will Forte

Choir: Oh, what fun it is to ride in a one horse open sleigh, giddy up!

Choir Teacher: Thank you, thank you. And welcome to the St. Paul’s boys choir annual holiday concert. First off, I would like to introduce our very talented young soloist, please welcome high soprano Tony Manville. Next is acccomplised contralto Bobby Kitchal. And last but not least, colorator soprano Dodd Todd Bookareally. Now in this next number we’re going to take a break for a moment of holiday music and give you something a bit more contemporary, hope you enjoy!

Bobby: I see your true colors shining through

Todd: I see your true colors and that’s why I la-ove you

Tony: so don’t be afraid to let them show

Choir: your true colors, your true colors, are beautiful..

Todd: like the rainbow!!

Choir: see your true colors..

Bobby: You’re not that great y’know?

Todd: What did you say, Lord of the Dorks?

Bobby: You don’t sing that high, so lose the smirk, Captain Kirk.

Todd: If I’m Captain Kirk than your Captain Jerk, so back-off, jack-off.

Choir Teacher: Ahh, boys we can’t sing if we’re talking.

Bobby & Todd: Sorry.

Choir Teacher: Now, our next number is a well known holiday favorite, so, sing along if you’d like.

Choir: Ooo-ooo. Ooo-ooo.

Bobby: Silent night,

Todd: Holy night..

Tony: Hey guys, I think somebody better call animal control.

Bobby & Todd: Huh?

Tony: Because when I sing, it’s so high that every stray dog in the state is going to be in the lobby of this auditorium. This is what they call doing the dog whistle, check this out.

Sleep in heavenly peee-eace, sleep in heavenly pe-yaaaace.

It’s so hard to be this young and this good!

Bobby: Suck my vocal cord Manville.

Todd: What’s the matter Kitchal, afraid of a little competition?

Bobby: Not in your life, I know I’m the best, please.

Todd: You, the best? Do you know how much tang I get because of this voice?

Tony: Gross!!

Todd: I’m talking about actual tang, the breakfast drink.

Tony: I know.

Bobby: Well, thanks to my voice, I get all the tang I want. And I’m talking about the Poon vari-tey.

Todd: Well, I’m the best.

Bobby: I’m the best.

Tony: I am.

Choir Teacher: Boys, boys! Why don’t we settle this once and for all with a musical challenge.

Tony: Sounds fair to me.

Todd: I’m there.

Bobby: 3 words, bri-ing it.

Choir Teacher: Let’s start with some scales. Tony!

Tony: Do-re-me-fa-sol-la-te-do-me-ra-ne-ta! Yes, taste it!

Bobby: Do-re-me-fa-sol-la-te-do-tre-da-ne-la-le. Me cool, you not!

Todd: Hold that for me champ.

Do-re-me-fa-sol-la-te-do-me-re-wa-me-le-ma-le ma-sol!!

Choir Teacher: I think we have a winner, Todd, you are the best!

Tony: This blows.

Bobby: It isn’t fair.

Todd: You know what isn’t fair? That I even have to, you guys are way to old to be in this choir. Tony, you’re got to be like in your 20’s.

Tony: Really, I, I, don’t, ah, keep track.

Todd: And Bobby, you failed 8th grade like 7 times.

Bobby: It’s not because I want to keep singing it’s cause I’m stupid.

Todd: I hate you.

Tony: Shut up!

Bobby: Yeah!

Todd: No, you shut-up! Oh my god! What’s happening?!

Bobby: His voice is changing.

Todd: Somebody help me!

Ooooh! Thanks guys! I guess we vocal freaks should stick together. Let’s sing.

Choir:
Just hear those sleigh bells jingling
Ring ting tingling too.
Come on, it’s lovely weather
For a sleigh ride together with you!

[ fade ]

Submitted by Jess W.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 8


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


December 13th, 2003

Elijah Wood

Jet

Chris Kattan

Zachary Woodlee HardballSummary: Chris Matthews (Darrell Hammond) launches the topic of Al Gore’s support of Howard Dean.

Recurring Characters: Chris Matthews, Joe Lieberman, Hillary Clinton.

Transcript

Montage

Elijah Wood’s MonologueSummary: Gollum (Chris Kattan) visits Elijah Wood, and shows off their new TV sitcom pilot.

Bio: Elijah Wood (1981-) has become best known for his role as Frodo Baggins in the “Lord of the Rings” trilogy.

Transcript

Boys ChoirSummary: Grown men (Will Forte, Jimmy Fallon, Elijah Wood) compete as members of a boys school choir.

Transcript

Queer Eye For The Straight GuySummary: Santa Claus (Horatio Sanz) is given a queer makeover.

Recurring Characters: Santa Claus.

Transcript

TV FunhouseSummary: In Rob Smigel’s “Fun with Real Audio”, President George W. Bush adopts the proper costuming depending on what group he’s giving a speech to.

Recurring Characters: Dave Clinger.

Transcript

Wake Up WakefieldSummary: Megan’s latest crush is Jazz Times Ten’s lead trumpeter (Elijah Wood).

Recurring Characters: Megan, Sheldon, Mr. Banglion.

Transcript

Jet performs “Are You Gonna Be My Girl”Bio: Jet is a garage rock band from Melbourne, Australia, consisting of members Nic Cester (guitar and lead vocals), Chris Cester (drums), Cameron Muncey (guitar and vocals), and Mark Wilson (bass).

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina FeySummary: John Mayer (Jimmy Fallon) sings unintelligible holiday lyrics. Whitney Houston (Maya Rudolph) and her daughter Bobbi (Kenan Thompson) sing a duet.

Transcript

Versace Egg NogSummary: Donatella Versace (Maya Rudolph) introduces her new egg nog to the masses.

Recurring Characters: Donatella Versace, Rosie O’Donnell.

Transcript

Howard Dean For President 2004Summary: Al Gore (Darrell Hammond) extensively explains his support for Howard Dean (Jeff Richards).

Recurring Characters: Al Gore, Howard Dean.

Transcript

Rialto GrandeSummary: A young comedian (Elijah Wood) joins Buddy Mills (Chris Kattan) onstage.

Recurring Characters: Buddy Mills, Mackey.

Transcript

Jet performs “Look What You’ve Done”

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 7

03g: Rev. Al Sharpton / Pink

A Message From the President of NBC Entertainment

Jeff Zucker…..Jimmy Fallon

[ display animated NBC logo ]

Announcer: and now, a message from the President of NBC Entertainment – Jeff Zucker.

[ dissolve to Jeff Zucker at desk, who waves his arms frantically throughout the sketch ]

Jeff Zucker: Good evening, America. I’m NBC Entertainement President, Jeff Zucker. When I heard that Rev. Al Sharpton was available to host “Saturday Night Live”, I was very excited. He’s a charismatic figure, and a New York institution. And I knew his hosting tonight’s show would get millions of African-Americans to tune into NBC for the first time. But it was only after I gave Lorne Michaels the go-ahead for Al Sharpton, that I found out about the Equal-Time laws that applied in presidential campaigns. You see, for every minute that Rev. Sharpton appears on the show tonight, we’re obliged to give each of the other eight candidates an equal amount of time on NBC. But we’ve made a negative into a positive, and done what we do best here at NBC – tuen lemons into television programming!

You’ll be blown away by this week’s “Law & Order: Special Victim’s Unit: When a convicted sex offender escapes from prison, and heads to Manhatten, to look up his former victim, Detective Benson finds herself held hostage by a sadistic monster – played by special guest, Sen. John Kerry!

[ promo photo is displayed ]

Then, gather the whole family ’round the TV, for the Joe Lieberman special: “Hanukkah in Connecticut”!

[ promo photo is displayed ]

Only on NBC, Wednesday, December 17th, at 1:45 a.m.

Uh-oh, everybody! Whoopi’s cousin from Chicago is in town, and – oh, snap! – she is a handful! Look for Ambassador Carol Moseley Braun, on three consecutive sets of “Whoopi”!

[ promo photo is displayed ]

And, talk about surprise twist – who will Melana pick, when Congressman Dennis Kucinich becomes a surprise contestant on the season finale of “Average Joe”?

[ promo photo is displayed ]

Retired Gen. Wesley Clark says he’s the best choice to lead our military. But, will that still be true when Carson and Kyle are done with him?

[ promo photo of “Queer Eye For the Straight Guy” is displayed ]

Who knows? Who.. knows?

[ promo photo is displayed ]

And, look what’s coming in daytime – make contact with your loved ones on: “Crossing Over”, with John Edward and John Edwards!

[ “Friends” theme pots up ]

Does that sound familiar to you? I can’t go into too much detail here, but all of America will be tuning in to see this Spring, if Rachel ends up with Ross, or.. Congressman Dick Gephardt!

[ promo photo is displayed ]

Hey, America! Would you eat a camel rectum? Well, Howard Dean will! This monday, on “Fear Factor”! At 8 p.m., 7 Central.

[ promo photo is displayed ]

It’s all part of NBC’s Equal-Time TV. Each and every Democratic candidate will get their legally-protected chance to say: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!!!“

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 7

03g: Rev. Al Sharpton / Pink

Three Wise Men

Melchior…..Rev. Al Sharpton
Balthazar…..Tracy Morgan
Gaspar…..Kenan Thompson
Cop…..Jimmy Fallon
Angel…..Jeff Richards

Announcer: “..And a star appeared in the East, over Bethlehem. Three Wise Men traveled on camel for many days, always following the bright star.”

[ dissolve to the Three Wise Men traveling through the desert on the dark night ]

Melchior: The star shines bright in the East.

Gaspar: It appears to be in the town of Bethlehen – near that stable. That must be where the King is to be born.

Melchior: Our long trip from the Orient is nearing an end.

Balthazar: Though we are three Wise men, the one we seek is even wiser than us. [ looks offscreen ] Uh-oh.

Melchior: What’s wrong.

Balthazar: It’s the cops! Whatever you do, don’t turn around!

[ sirens sound, as the other Wise Men turn to look ]

Cop: Pull over!

Balthazar: I told you guys not to look!

Melchior: We weren’t doing anything wrong!

Balthazar: Just be cool, I’ll handle it!

[ Cop pulls up on camel ]

Cop: Alright, hey. How you guys doing tonight? [ shines a torch into their eyes like a flashlight ]

Balthazar: We’re just fine, Officer.

Cop: Yeah, huh? Just fine, right? It seems a little late to be riding around, where you guys going?

Balthazar: [ defensive ] We’re just going up there!

Cop: Oh, yeah? What’s up there?

Melchior: Bethlehem! Why did you pull us over?

Cop: I-I noticed your right saddlebag is.. busted..

Melchior: No, it’s not!

Cop: Yeah, uh.. my mistake. So, anyway – why you going to Bethlehem?

Balthazar: We were sent to meet someone!

Cop: Meet someone, yeah, right! What’s his name?

Balthazar: [ defensive ] I don’t know his name!

Cop: You don’t know your friend’s name? Okay, I’m going to need to see some ID. Come on. Hand them over..

[ the Three Wise Men hand over their IDs in scrolls ]

Cop: [ unfolding a scroll and glancing at it ] Balthazar? It doesn’t even look like you at all.

Balthazar: It’s a old engraving! Before I had my beard!

Cop: Sure, it is. [ opens next scroll to check ] Melchior. You ever been arrested?

Melchior: No, I haven’t! You just pulled us over because we’re black! We’re not doing anything illegal! We’re just following the bright star in the East!

Cop: Following a bright star in the East? [ sniffs the air ] You guys been smoking reefer?

Balthazar: No, sir!

Cop: Well, what’s that smell, then?

Melchior: Frankincinse.

Cop: Really? You seem pretty jumpy, for guys who aren’t doing anything wrong. Why is that.. [ reads final scroll ] ..Gaspar?

Gaspar: [ not paying attention ] Huh?! We’re just tired! Uh – by the way – I just met these guys!

Cop: Sure, you did. What you got in the bags?

Balthazar: ..It’s just some stuff!

Cop: You mind if I take a look?

Melchior: We weren’t doing anything wrong!

Cop: Then, you won’t mind if I take a look, then.

Balthazar: All I got is some frankincinse!

Cop: [ to Melchior ] How about you, Chief?

Melchior: Some gold!

Cop: What’s in your sack there, Gaspar?

Gaspar: Just some myrrh..

Cop: Oh, myyrh. Hunkie! Is that kind of.. designer drug, or something?

Gaspar: No, sir.. it’s just some incense!

Cop: Alright.. let me get this straight, okay? You guys are driving around in the middle of the night, following a star, with gold and two bags of incense, to go see your friend, whose name you forgot! Is that pretty much it?

Balthazar: Yeah..

Cop: I’m going to need you to step down off the camel. Come on! Get up!

Gaspar: [ whining ] I don’t want to go to jail..!

Melchior: We’re not! Officer, this is some big misunderstanding! You see.. we’re Three Wise Men!

Cop: More like three wise guys. Now, step down, and keep those hands where I can see them, okay? Come on! Get down!

[ Angel appears hovering above the Three Wise Men ]

Angel: Fear not. I can explain all.

Cop: Balthazar, is this the friend you were planning on meeting?

Balthazar: I never seen this guy in my life!

Cop: You guys stay put for a second. [ shines his torch at the Angel ] What’s your story, buddy?

Angel: I am an angel, sent from Heaven!

Cop: Sure, you are. Look, uhhh.. it looks like you’ve been busy tonight – what’s that all over your robe?

Angel: [ hesitant ] Uh.. I don’t want to say, because it’ll sound bad.

Cop: Come on, what is it!

Angel: It’s, uh.. angel dust.

Cop: Okay, Mr. Angel! I’m gonna need you to put your hands on top your head, okay?

Melchior: He’s telling the truth! He’s an angel sent from Heaven!

Cop: Save it, Ace, okay? I’m arresting all four of you, alright? Come on!

Melchior: [ to the others ] Let’s get out of here!

[ Three Wise Men and the Angel scamper off quickly ]

Cop: Hey! Hey! Come back here! Stop, in the name of Herod! Stop!!

Announcer: The Three Kings are still at large. If you, or anyone you know, has seen them, please call us at: [ spelled in Roman numerals ] VVV-IIXI.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 7

03g: Rev. Al Sharpton / Pink

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Tina Fey
…..Paris Hilton

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it’s “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”

Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey. Here are tonight’s top stories.

According to The New York Times, Michael Jackson’s financial advisors have told him that, to avoid bankruptcy, he must limit his spending to $1 million a month. Upon hearing this, Michael dropped the boy he was molesting, and said, “Are you kidding me?”

Jimmy Fallon: President Bush is working on a new American plan to travel back to the moon. This, after officials talked him out of his original plan to go Back to the Future.

Actress Gwyneth Paltrow announced on Wednesday that she and her boyfriend Chris Martin from Coldplay are expecting a baby. Also, Jessica Simpson announced that she and her husband, Nick Lachey, have been putting it in the wrong place all the time.

Tina Fey: Shuan-Shuan, a female giant panda, was flown to Japan this week, in hopes that she will mate with Ling-Ling, the male panda at the Tokyo Zoo. Biologists are optimistic, because it’s well-known that Shuan-Shuan is a slut. The mating of Ling-Ling and Shuan-Shuan was brokered by their friend, Pimp-Pimp.

Jimmy Fallon: Sen. Hillary Clinton is criticizing President Bush, saying that his plan to reduce the number of troops in Iraq is simply a PR move, designed to boost his 2004 re-election bid. However, the President denied this, saying, “That’s what my crazy moon plan is for!”

Ground was broken in Fredericksburg, Virginia this week, for the National Slavery Museum. For the punchline of this joke, tune in next week when we have a different host.

Tina Fey: Well, because our host, Rev. Al Sharpton, is an active presidential candidate, a number of NBC affiliates around the country are refusing to air tonight’s show, for fear that other candidates will demand equal time. Since our how isn’t being seen in these cities, we can finally say whatever we want about.. Des Moines, Iowa —

Jimmy Fallon: Snoozeville, U.S.A.!

Tina Fey: — Sacramento, California —

Jimmy Fallon: More like, Suck-romento!

Tina Fey: — Portland, Maine —

Jimmy Fallon: The fart capitol of the world!

Tina Fey: — Memphis and Nashville, Tennessee —

Jimmy Fallon: Y’all come back, now – ya’ queers!

Tina Fey: — Oklahoma —

Jimmy Fallon: Never heard of it.

Tina Fey: — Boston —

Jimmy Fallon: Well.. they..

Together: ..just hate black people.

Tina Fey: — and, finally – Rochester, Minnesota.

Jimmy Fallon: Nerds!

Tina Fey: You guys are —

Together: NERDS!!!

Don Pardo V/O: You’ve been watching “Jimmy & Tina Yelling At Cities That Refuse To Show Saturday Night Live Tonight.” This is Don Pardo saying, “Suck it, Des Moines!”

Tina Fey: It was reported that Justin Guirini has been dropped by his record label – RCA – for poor sales of his debut CD. And, apparently, the news has really been taking its toll on him.

Jimmy Fallon: Len Wagner, a Pennsylvania man, cashed in over a million pennies, after four decades of collecting. Wow. A million pennies. Can you imagine how much money that must be?

Tina Fey: Yes. $10,000 —

Jimmy Fallon: That’s like, $40 million.

Tina Fey: You’re an idiot!

Jimmy Fallon: [ smiling ] Yeahhhh..

Tina Fey: On Wednesday, Thailand opened its first monkey hospital. It did not go well.
[ show picture of monkeys dressed as surgeons and handling an operation ]

While appearing on “Larry King Live” Monday, Linda Tripp revealed that she is marrying her childhood sweetheart, who gave her her first kiss at age 14. Luckily for Tripp, in all their years apart, there was never a cure for blindness.

The ceremony ended with the words: “I now pronounce you Man and.. that.”

Jimmy Fallon: Rolling Stone Mick Jagger is asking the Queen of England not to release pictures of him being knighted later this month, because he’s afraid of upsetting bandmate Keith Richards. Yeah, Mick, I know the feeling. I tried to keep it quiet from Bitchy McJealous over here, when I was made a Jedi!

Tina Fey: Well, Paris Hilton is a name that’s on everyone’s lips these past few weeks. Here now, in an exclusive interview with Jimmy Fallon, is Paris Hilton.

Jimmy Fallon: Thanks for coming on.

Paris Hilton: It’s nice to be here.

Jimmy Fallon: Uh, as we agreed, we won’t be discussing the scandal, uh.. that’s been in the papers the past couple of weeks, alright?

Paris Hilton: Thank you, Jimmy. I appreciate that.

Jimmy Fallon: We just want to find out about you – Paris Hilton. Okay. So, your family – I don’t know if a lot of people know it – the Hiltons – they own hotels all over the world, right?

Paris Hilton: Yes, they’re in New York, London, Paris..

Jimmy Fallon: Oh, wait – so there actually is a Paris Hilton?

Paris Hilton: Yes, there is.

Jimmy Fallon: [ his set-up secure, begins the “real” interview ] Is it hard to get into the Paris Hilton?

Paris Hilton: Actually, it’s a very exclusive hotel – no matter what you’ve heard.

Jimmy Fallon: Uh, I-I-I hear the Paris Hilton is very beautiful.

Paris Hilton: I’m glad that you’ve heard that.

Jimmy Fallon: Uh.. do they allow double-occupancy at the Paris Hilton?

Paris Hilton: No.

Jimmy Fallon: Is the Paris Hilton roomy?

Paris Hilton: It might be for you.. but.. most people find it very comfortable.

Jimmy Fallon: Well, I-I-I-I’m a VIP, alright? I might need to go in the back entrance.

Paris Hilton: It doesn’t matter who you are – it’s not going to happen.

Jimmy Fallon: Okay, now, uh.. I throw a lot of events. Uh, do they have a ballroom there?

Paris Hilton: We do.

Jimmy Fallon: Great! I’d love to have my balls held by the Paris Hilton. It sounds awesome! I’d actually like to, uh.. I’d like to check in to the Paris Hilton.

Paris Hilton: I don’t think you can.

Jimmy Fallon: Really? Because.. really.. I’d only be able to stay there, like, a minute – minute and a half, or something.. two minutes, tops. I mean —

Paris Hilton: Good luck.

Jimmy Fallon: Paris Hilton, everybody! For Weekend Update, I’m Jimmy Fallon!

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey! Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 7

03g: Rev. Al Sharpton / Pink

Al Sharpton’s Casa De Sushi

…..Rev. Al Sharpton
Dancers…..Maya Rudolph, Amy Poehler, Will Forte, Kenan Thompson
Harvey Fierstein…..Horatio Sanz

[ Fade in on videotaped footage of fish being caught with a net and pulled onto a boat. Dissolve into shot of Rev. Al Sharpton, dressed as a pirate, looking into a telescope]

Rev. Al Sharpton: [à la a pirate] Ahoy, mateys! The seas look right as rain! [drops the pirate act and addresses the audience]: Hi, I’m the Reverend Al Sharpton. Everyone knows I love fish: fried catfish sandwiches, grilled shrimp salad, salmon stir fry. Yum, I love me some fish – cooked fish, that is! But some goofy son-of-a beestings like to eat that stuff raw. Yes, raw. People paying top dollar for food that ain’t cooked. That’s why I opened up Al Sharpton’s Casa De Sushi.

[Four dancers, two women with geisha girl hairstyles and two men with katanas (samurai swords), dressed in plain blue bathrobes come out, bobbing back and forth to the music and half-heartedly singing a parody of “California” by Tupac Shakur]

Dancers: [singing]
“Al Sharpton’s Casa De SushiAl Sharpton’s Casa De SushiIn the cityOf SeacaucusWe don’t like it (We don’t like it)But we’ll serve it to yaAnd charge ya money.”

[The Dancers leave]

Rev. Al Sharpton: That’s right! [an off-screen stagehand to the left gives Sharpton a platter of sushi rolls and Sharpton gives his telescope to him]: I don’t like this stuff! [throws sushi rolls in a wastebasket held by an off-screen stagehand to the right, then hands the platter back to the offscreen stagehand to the left] This stuff is nasty! But if you’re a weirdo, by all means, come to my place: Al Sharpton’s Casa De Sushi.

[cut to Al Sharpton’s face in a circular inset on the lower left side of the screen superimposed next to a plate of octopus]

Female V/O: Octopus.

Rev. Al Sharpton: Gross!

[cut to another plate, this time with squid on it]

Female V/O: Squid.

Rev. Al Sharpton: Yuck!

[cut to a final plate, this time with two eels on it]

Female V/O: Eel.

Rev. Al Sharpton: Heck, no! [cut back to full shot of Al Sharpton at the sushi restaurant] But that’s just my opinion. People ask me, “Al, why open a sushi restaurant?” Well, presidential campaigns don’t finance themselves, people.

[The Dancers return to “dance” and sing another verse]

Dancers: [singing]”Al Sharpton’sCasa De SushiIf you like sushiYou should come here.”

[The dancers leave]

Rev. Al Sharpton: You don’t believe me, then listen to this lady from Broadway, Harvey Fierstein.

[enter Harvey Fierstein]

Harvey Fierstein: [in a gravelly voice] Hello, I’m Harvey Fierstein. I play a fat lady in the Broadway musical “Hairspray”. Eat your heart out, Nell Carter!

Rev. Al Sharpton: [calmly] Be cool. Nell Carter’s dead.

Harvey Fierstein: [in disbelief] What?! Nell Carter died! That’s not funny! She’s a good friend of mine!

Rev. Al Sharpton: Well, I’m afraid she’s dead.

Harvey Fierstein: [wailing] Oh, Nell! Nell Carter died! [Sanz pulls a Chris Farley by passing out on a restaurant table and breaking it]

Rev. Al Sharpton: Harvey Frankenstein, you dummy! You just—you better pay for my table. Okay, let’s just sing the song and get on out of here.

[The Dancers return for their finale]

Dancers: [singing]”Al Sharpton’s Casa De SushiIn the cityOf SeacaucusWe don’t like it (We don’t like it)But we will serve itAnd charge you money.”

Rev. Al Sharpton: What they said.

[cut to title screen with the words “Reverend Al Sharpton’s Casa De Sushi. Rt. 14 In Seascaucus, N.J.” over four shots of the Japanese dishes that were shown earlier in the sketch]

Announcer V/O: The Reverend Al Sharpton’s Casa De Sushi. Route 14 in Seacaucus, New Jersey. We don’t like sushi, but we will serve it and charge you money.

[fade out]

Submitted by: Candy Young

SNL Transcripts