…..Al Sharpton Old Version of Al Sharpton…..Tracy Morgan
Al Sharpton: Thank you! Thank you very much! What a pleasure it is to be here, hosting “Saturday Night Live”. For me, it’s a wonderful opportunity – to reach out, to a broader audience. Maybe tonight, people can finally get to know.. the real Al Sharpton! President Al Sharpton! I know many of you out there think you know me! But what you are probably thinking about is the old, more flamboyant Al Sharpton. Mind you, I’m not apologizing for any of my past, but.. I think we’ve all done some things we’d like to forget. We’re just lucky our past can’t come to life, and haunt us now.
[ Old Version of Al Sharpton steps onto the stage ]
Old Version of Al Sharpton: I heard that!
Al Sharpton: Who.. are you.. supposed to be?
Old Version of Al Sharpton: I’m you, fool! The old Al Sharpton! Don’t I look good!
Al Sharpton: [ incensed ] I never looked that bad!
Old Version of Al Sharpton: Uh-uh! Think again!
Al Sharpton: Okay, you got me. That’s the way I used to dress – in the 70’s!
Old Version of Al Sharpton: What are you talking about?! You wore this suit five years ago! This is a 100% velour track suit by.. uh, hold on.. [ checks the tag on the back of the suit ] ..Lord Crumbley Brothers! You talked to Yassar Arafat in this suit!
Al Sharpton: I did not!
Old Version of Al Sharpton: Well, you should have! There would be peace in the Middle East, if you had just flashed your bling-bling!
Al Sharpton: Man, I’m trying to be president! I can’t walk around looking like that! I have to look a little more dignified!
Old Version of Al Sharpton: Look ‘atcha! Up here, on this racist television show! All dressed up like Pat Boone.. trying to appeal to people in Iowa! You used to be the touring manager for James Brown, the Godfather of Soul!
Al Sharpton: Hold on! Just because I don’t wear flashy suits and gold medallions, it doesn’t mean I still can’t get down!
Old Version of Al Sharpton: You an old man!
Al Sharpton: Not too old to do this! [ to the band ] Hit it!
[ singing ] “I feel good! I knew that I would! I feel good! I knew that I would!
Hey!
So good! So good! I got you!“
Woww!!
Together: [ singing ] “I feel nice! Like sugar and spice! I feel nice! Like sugar and spice!
So nice! So nice!I got you!
Al Sharpton: Hey!
We got a great show! Tracy Morgan is here! Pink is here! So, stick around, we’ll be right back!
Michael Jackson…..Amy Poehler Lawyer…..Chris Parnell Johnnie Cochran…..Al Sharpton Elizabeth Taylor…..Rachel Dratch Stranger…..Horatio Sanz
[open on cartoon graphic of Michael Jackson in a blue roller coaster car with yellow lettering: “Michael Jackson in a Roller Coaster”]
Narrator: And now, back to “Michael Jackson in a Roller Coaster”
[dissolve to Michael Jackson in a roller coaster car with Johnnie Cochran, Elizabeth Taylor, and others]
Michael Jackson: Wheeeee! Wooooo! Hold on, everybody! Here we go! I love roller coasters! Look, we can touch the clouds! Hello bird! [waves] Yoo-hoo! Yoo-hoo bird! I wanna buy you! Here we go! Get ready everybody! Put your hands up! [raises his hands]
Lawyer: Michael, we have some very serious things to talk about. As you lawyer, I think we should go over these allegations–
Michael Jackson: Put your hands up! Get your hands up! [raises his hands]
Lawyer: I think I speak for all of us when I say, Johnnie Cochran, welcome to the team.
Johnnie Cochran: Thank you, thank you.
Michael Jackson: Johnnie’s my friend. Liz Taylor is my friend, too!
Elizabeth Taylor: Oh, Michael, just listen to these people for once! You’re in great, great danger!
Johnnie Cochran: Michael, we all love roller coasters, but I think surely you must be aware of the impending legal ramifications–
Michael Jackson: Get your hands up everybody! Here we go!
[everybody raises their hands]
Michael Jackson: [shouts gleefully] That was fun! Again-again-again-again-again!
Lawyer: They have you on tape trying to leave the country! Your bail was three million dollars and you are running out of money, Michael.
Michael Jackson: Yeah. We need to buy more money.
Johnnie Cochran: That’s impossible, Michael.
Michael Jackson: No! Nothing’s impossible at the Neverland Ranch, Johnnie Cochran. I’ll buy you a million-dollar watch!
Johnnie Cochran: I’ll take that watch, but as your legal council I would advise you to resist buying watches for other people.
Lawyer: Your financial situation is bad, Michael.
Elizabeth Taylor: Michael, I beg you, listen to these people. You need help. I can’t take it anymore. Oh, Michael! [sobs]
[sad music plays]
Michael Jackson: Oh, I’m sorry, Liz Taylor! I’m sorry, lawyers! [points to man behind him] I’m sorry, stranger! I really made a mess of everything. Nobody likes me. I’m sorry, the man who makes the snow-cones! I’m sorry! I’m not mean. I wanna make things right. Please don’t cry, Elizabeth Taylor.
Elizabeth Taylor: [sobbing] Michael!
[music stops]
Michael Jackson: Here we go, everybody! Put your hands up!
[everybody raises their hands]
Lawyer: Michael, you could go to jail!
Michael Jackson: I’m gonna get my baby, Blanket! He loves roller coasters! [lifts baby from below as “Daisy, Daisy” beings to play] Hey, Blanket, get ready! [throws baby into the air and shouts gleefully, accompanies by a playful musical flourish on the soundtrack] Bye, Blanket! I’ll see you when we come back around! Get your hands up, Johnnie, everybody, get your hands up! [everybody raises their hands] Again-again-again-again-again!
Johnnie Cochran: Michael, maybe we should get off this roller coaster and rehearse what we’re going to say to the press. They’re gonna ask some tough questions!
[music changes]
Lawyer: Like, did you share your bed with the boy?
Michael Jackson: Huh?
Johnnie Cochran: Did you engage in any inappropriate behavior?
Michael Jackson: What?
Lawyer: Did you buy the boy expensive presents?
Michael Jackson: Huh?
[music stops]
Elizabeth Taylor: Did you buy the boy my fragrance, White Diamonds?
Michael Jackson: Oh, look, here comes Blanket! [twinkly music plays as Blanket falls back into his arms] Oh, Blanket, I love you so much! I wish I knew how you were made! Okay, everybody, let’s get ready! Here we go, get your hands up, get–whooooo! [everybody raises their hands]
Lawyer: Michael, stop this roller coaster right this instant! You could spend the rest of your life in jail!
[darker music plays]
Michael Jackson: You’re right, lawyer. This is serious. I got an idea! [playful music plays] I’m gonna call Quincy. I’ll buy a new ear. I’ll turn into a werewolf. Then I’ll take my sleeping pills and sleep until this all goes away.
Elizabeth Taylor: Michael, you’ve done it again! You’re a genius!
Lawyer: Council, what’s our strategy?
Johnnie Cochran: Well, I think it’s important to shield Michael as much as we can from the details. Also, I think it’s important that I get that million-dollar watch. If you know what I mean.
Lawyer: I know exactly what you mean. Hands up!
[everybody raises their hands]
Michael Jackson: Everybody, get your hands up! Here we go! I love roller coasters!
Ivy…..Maya Rudolph Reggie…..Kenan Thompson Actor #1…..Finesse Mitchell Actor #2…..Tracy Morgan George…..Rev. Al Sharpton Director…..Jimmy Fallon Assistant…..Horatio Sanz
Ivy: [ singing ] “Last night, I had a dream about the past The saddest thing is that old dream won’t last. I miss my home in Mississippi Sitting on my Mammy’s knee.”
Backup Singers: “Myyyy Mammyyyy’s kneeeee..”
Ivy: [ singing ] “I miss her home cookin’ And all the things she meant to me.”
Reggie: I miss all the things of summer! All the things my Mammy would do for me!
Actor #1: Like the time we whiled away after the work was done!
Actor #2: And the songs we sat around and sang!
George: But I truly miss the simple things:
Reggie: Fried chicken!
Actor #1: Watermelon!
Actor #2: I miss being shiftless and lazy!
George: [confused with his lines] “I miss shooting dice at a whorehouse on payday..”?
Director’s Voice: Cut and print! Cut and print!
[ end black-and-white film production, actors now in real-time ]
George: Say.. did that seem a little —
Reggie: Stale? I agree. I had that same line in a movie last year.
Director: Well.. we don’t write ’em, we just shoot ’em. Okay, let’s move on!
Assistant: Movin’ on, everybody!
Director: Is that okay with you, Ivy?
[ cut to a crew of white male actors are around Ivy, laughing, while Ivy is smoking a cigarette from a cigarette holder ]
Ivy: [ in an Edith Bunker-esque voice ] Whatever you say, Mike!
[ the black actors turn their attention to Ivy ]
Director: [ snapping at the other actors ] Hey! Don’t look at her, fellas! She’s the star of this picture, okay?! [ to his Assistant ] Tell ’em to dim the lights!
Assistant: Dim the lights!
Director: Okay, roll camera! Mark it! Mark it!
Assistant: Scene 11.. Scene 2! [ marks scene, exits ]
Director: Okay, everybody! This is the part where you’re big heroes, okay? Now, uh, you’re gonna rescue, uh, Ivy from Dr. Abercrombie’s mansion, okay? And.. action! [ exits ]
[ black-and-white film production resumes ]
George: Listen, here’s the plan: we’re gonna have to sneak out the back of the theater, and through the graveyard to rescue Ivy.
Actor #2: [ shaking ferociously, scared ] Oh, I ain’t sneakin’ through no graveyard! Nooooooooo way! Those bones be dancin’! That’ll be the end of the finish fo’ me!
[George, disgusted with Actor #2s line, walks away]
[ Reggie and Actor #1, holding candles and shaking, step backwards not knowing they’re about to bump into one another ]
Reggie: Who there?!
Actor #1: Me there!
Reggie: Who that say “Me there”?!
Actor #1: Me say “Me there!”
Reggie: Who say “Me say ‘Me there'”?!
Actor #1: I say “Me say ‘Me there!'”
[George appears between Actor #1 and Reggie]
Reggie: Why, I don’t know what I’m gonna do about it, but my feets sure know what they gonna do about it! Feets! Do your stuff!
[ they start running in place, George has had enough of their performance]
George: [ fed up with the act ] Alright! That’s it! That’s it!
Director’s Voice: Cut! Cut! That was fantastic! Cut!
[ end black-and-white film production, actors now in real-time ]
George: [appalled by the performance from Reggie and Actor #1] Do you know anybody who speaks like that, Reggie?!
Reggie: [ meekly ] Uh.. no. not really..
George: And the rest of this stuff is stereotypes! We shouldnt be perpetrating these stereotypes! Its 1935!
Actor #1: Well, I need this job. I have 36 children to feed.
George: Well, that’s another stereotype! But, we’ll deal with that later! We cannot do this script as written!
Director: Uh, maybe you’re right, George. Take five while we figure this out, okay? [ to Assistant ] Tell ’em to take five!
Assistant: Take five, everybody! [Assistant and Director leave]
George: We should just quit right now!
Actor #2: Quit?! They told me that, if I did good in this movie, they’d have a part for me shining Clark Gable’s shoes!
George: In which movie?
Actor #2: No movie! He just leaves his shoes outside his trailer!
George: Guys, just forget it!
[ Ivy brings herself closer to the guys ]
Ivy: Guys, maybe George has a point!
[ the guys are all excited ]
Guys: Ivy!!
Ivy: We’ve taken this kind of treatment for too long! The only way we’re ever going to be treated as equals, is if we stand together and say, “No more!”
George: Ivy’s right! Who’s with me?!
Reggie: Well.. I am!
Actor #1: And I am.
Actor #2: And I am!
Ivy: And.. I am!
George: [ putting his foot down ] No women.
[ Sharpton and the cast members end the scene to address the audience directly ]
Rev. Al Sharpton: We all had a little fun, with this jokey little skit – but, you know what? There’s still a lot of work to do to end racism!
Maya Rudolph: And sexism.
Rev. Al Sharpton: [ dismissively ] Okay, we getcha. [ to the audience ] But I wish you would think about what you’ve just seen. Not just the watermelon or the fried chicken part —
Tracy Morgan: — And how all blacks only smoke Newports, eat barbecued potato chips, and drink grape Kool-Aid.
Al Sharpton: We never mentioned that.
Tracy Morgan: Oh, Im sorry.
Al Sharpton: Luckily, we’ve come a long way since those old, bad days. Meanwhile — [a stagehand hands Sharpton a tribal mask and a spear while another stagehand wheels out a cauldron with Will Forte, dressed as a British game hunter, inside of it] — wait ’til you see this next sketch.
Tracy Morgan: [ excited ] It’s hi-lar-i-ous! [ laughs uproariously while Sharpton looks at the props in horror]
Rev. Al Sharpton: Thanks to Pink.. Tracy Morgan.. Paris Hilton! I want to especially thank Rev. Lorne Michaels, who brings us together every Saturday night. He makes us learn how to laugh at ourselves, so we can take you more seriously! I hope, tonight, America laughed together. Maybe then, we can learn how to live together. Good night, God bless!
Brian Fellow…..Tracy Morgan Ryan Rellow…..Al Sharpton Ricky Ashton…..Chris Parnell Sarah Bellow…..Tina Fey
[open on illustrated map with stop-motion animated animals]
Musical Voice Over: He loves animals and they love him back. / Interspecies friends, we ain’t kidding, Mac. / Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet, Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet!
[title on illustrated map: “Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet”]
[dissolve to Brian Fellow interracting with stop-motion animated animals in an illustrated jungle setting]
Voice Over: Brian Fellow is not an accredited zoologist, nor does he hold a degree in any of the environmental sciences. He is simply an enthusiastic young man with a sixth grade education and an abiding love for all God’s creatures. Share his loves tonight on…
[title on illustrated jungle setting: “Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet”]
Musical Voice Over: Brian Fellow’s, Brian Fellow’s, Brian Fellow’s…Safari Planet!
[dissolve to Brian Fellow in studio]
Brian: [waves enthusiastically to audience] Good evening, and welcome to Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet. I’m Brian Fellow. Tonight, I have a very special guest. Co-hosting the show tonight is a man who is like a brother to me. Say hello to my brother, Ryan Fellow. Welcome, Ryan Fellow.
Ryan: I’m Ryan Fellow!
Brian: I’m Brian Fellow! Today, we are going to meet some animals that are friendly and some that are frightful. I’m getting goosebumps just thinking about it.
Ryan: Me, too.
Brian: Let’s get going. Our first guests likes to balance balls on its nose and is a master of the bicycle horn. Please welcome a seal!
[Ricky enters holding a seal, and sits]
Brian: And who are you?
Ricky: I’m Ricky Ashton, of the Corpus Christi Sea Aquarium.
Brian: I’m Brian Fellow!
Ricky: Hello, Brian.
Brian: This is my brother.
Ryan: I’m Ryan Fellow!
Ricky: Hello, Ryan. I would like for you to meet Sammy. He’s a three year old seal from the Pacific coast of California. He eats almost twelve pounds of fish a day.
Brian: I hear those seals like to party.
Ricky: Excuse me?
Brian: I hear they like to go clubbing with Eskimos.
Ryan: I like to go clubbing, and I do love the ladies.
Brian: He does love the ladies.
Ryan: I’m Ryan Fellow!
Brian: I’m Brian Fellow!
Ricky: And this is Sammy.
Brian: So, tell us. Why do seals love to go clubbing?
Ricky: Uh, you’re mistaken. When people talk about “clubbing seals,” that’s something different.
Brian: Okay. Well, tell us about the mating process.
Ricky: Well, during the breeding season, the male seal fights for dominance, and they have a harem of fifteen to thirty female seals.
Brian: A harem? That’s crazy!
Ryan: Are you saying that seals are Mormons?
Brian: That is a very good question.
Ricky: Actually, it’s not. Seals have no religious affiliation. However, the dominant male does have more than one partner.
Brian: Do they meet all those ladies when they go clubbing with Eskimos?
Ricky: No, that’s not right.
Brian: He loves to go clubbing.
Ryan: And I do love the ladies.
Ricky: Actually, what you’re referring to is a horrible practice where baby seals are brutally murdered for their fur.
Brian: That’s depressing. Why did you bring that up?
Ryan: You don’t come on my brother’s show and talk about things like that!
Brian: Get out!
[Ricky stands and leaves]
Brian: I’m sorry you had to see that, Ryan. I’ve been compromised as a professional journalist.
Ryan: You know who you should have had on this show?
Brian: Who?
Ryan: Frosty the Snowman.
Brian: That’s ridiculous! We only have animals on this show. He is not an animal. He is a snow man.
Ryan: Oh, sorry. But it’s Christmas.
Brian: Again, he is a man. Okay, our next guest lives in a cave and can’t see his own reflection in a mirror. Please welcome a bat!
[Sarah enters and sits, and an assistant hands her a bat in a terrarium]
Brian: And what’s your name, sir?
Sarah: Oh! Well, I am a woman, and my name is Sarah Bellow, from the Bronx Zoo.
Brian: I’m Brian Fellow!
Ryan: I’m Ryan Fellow!
Sarah: Great.
Brian: Your bat looks scary. Is he going to fly over and bite me?
Sarah: No, I think you’re safe. Although their diets vary widely, bats eat mostly insects and fruit.
Brian: Bats live in caves, right? Does he know where Osama bin Laden is?
Sarah: No, no, he doesn’t.
Brian: Shoot, there’s a big reward for him.
Ryan: I was gonna use that money to go clubbing.
Sarah: Bats are nocturnal creatures. This means that they sleep during the day and hunt at night.
Brian: He does the same thing. He sleeps during the day and goes hunting for ladies at night.
Ryan: I love the ladies. I’m Ryan Fellow!
Brian: I’m Brian Fellow!
Sarah: Okay, and I’m Sarah Bellow! And we’re still talking about my bat.
Brian: That bat looks old.
Sarah: Well, actually, this is a silver-haired bat, and his hair has been this color since he’s very young.
Brian: When he turns into a man, how old will he be?
Sarah: Well, he can’t turn into a man.
Ryan: Well, how do you explain Batman, then?
Brian: [laughs loudly] He got you.
Sarah: No, he didn’t “get” me, for any number of reasons. First of all, Batman is not a real person. And secondly, Batman is not Dracula; Batman was never a bat.
[a shared thought bubble appears above Brian and Ryan and Frosty the Snowman emerges]
Frosty: Hey, fellas. What’s going on?
Brian and Ryan: Frosty!
Sarah: Well, he’s not actually frosty. He’s just silver-haired.
Frosty: This show’s boring. You should have me as a guest!
Ryan: That’s what I told Brian, but he said you couldn’t, ’cause you’re a man.
Frosty: Darn right, I’m a man. Do you want to see my snowballs?
Brian: No, I don’t wanna see your balls! I do not want to see your balls!
Sarah: Look, I told you, I am not a man! You know, I am out of here! [stands and leaves with terrarium]
Brian: Well, that’s our show for today. Join me next time when we will be visited by a dogfish.
Ryan: That sounds crazy.
Brian: I’m Brian Fellow!
Ryan: I’m Ryan Fellow!
Brian: Good night!
[title: “Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet”]
Musical Voice Over: Brian Fellow’s, Brian Fellow’s, Brian Fellow’s…Safari Planet!
Joe Lieberman…..Chris Parnell Howard Dean…..Jeff Richards Gen. Wesley Clark…..Jimmy Fallon John Edwards…..Will Forte Richard Gephardt…..Darrell Hammond John Kerry…..Seth Meyers
[ open on the other Democratic Presidential candidates watching Rev. Al Sharpton host “Saturday Night” at John Edwards’ house ]
Joe Lieberman: I don’t get it, I-I-I just don’t get it. Why him? There’s nine of us running – why does Rev. Al get to hang out with Jimmy Fallon? Why not, uh.. Howard Dean.. or Gen. Wesley Clark —
[ the other candidates in the room nod their heads in agreement ]
Joe Lieberman: — or Joe Lieberman?
[ the other candidates shake their heads in disagreement ]
Howard Dean: Well, you really didn’t think they were going to ask you, Joe?
Joe Lieberman: [ sighs ] And why not, Howard? I know quite a few humorous anecdotes. I’ve been told that I possess an impeccable sense of comedic timing! Why, around the Lieberman household, my Chris Tucker impression is legendary. [ clears his throat and demonstrates ] “Do you understand the words that are coming out of my mouth?!” [ chuckles to himself ] My kids love it, so..
Gen. Wesley Clark: I don’t know. I mean, I think the Reverand’s doing a pretty good job!
Joe Lieberman: Pretty good for a guy who’s never held public office.
Howard Dean: Kind of like you, General. [ chuckles to himself ]
Gen. Wesley Clark: I didn’t serve in a public office, because I was too busy seving our country in uniform! Not flying down some ski slope with a bunch of pot-smoking Goldbrickers!
Howard Dean: Save it, Rookie! [ to the kitchen door ] Hey, Edwards! Senator! We’re running out of Bugles here!
Gen. Wesley Clark: Edwards! Ten-hut, maggot!
[ John Edwards, clad in apron, pops his head out of the kitchen, carrying an armload of assorted snacks ]
John Edwards: Here you goooooooo!! Here is some0 peel-and-eat, for Mr. Howard Dean —
Howard Dean: Thank you.
John Edwards: And an extra helping of Wheat Thins, for my favorite Kosher candidate!
Joe Lieberman: Mmm.. muchos gracious.
[ doorbell rings ]
John Edwards: [ excited ] Oh! I’ll get it! I’ll get it!
Gen. Wesley Clark: Go get it! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut!
Howard Dean: We gotta hide! Turn out the lights! It might be that goofball Kucinich.
John Edwards: [ opens the door ] No! It’s John Kerry and Dick Gephardt! Two of my eight favorite Democrats!
Dick Gephardt: Hi, all.
John Kerry: Sorry we’re late, guys – Dick couldn’t get his car started.
Joe Lieberman: Sounds like his campaign! [ chuckles to himself ]
Gen. Wesley Clark: I hope that’s not your A-material, Joe – it stinks!
John Edwards: Let me grab your cooooats!
Dick Gephardt: Thanks, John. It’s awafully nice of you to have us over.
John Edwards: Well, I’m sure any one of you guys would return the favor! Now, can I get you anything to drink?
Dick Gephardt: Diet Coke.
John Kerry: Water’s fine.
John Edwards: Okay, coming right up! [ retreats to the kitchen ]
Dick Gephardt: If that guy kissed as any harder, he’d be drawing blood!
John Kerry: Seriously – that’s record time. We haven’t even hit Iowa yet, and that guy’s trying to brownnose his way into a VP nod! It almost makes you look dignified, Joe.
Joe Lieberman: [ pleased ] Well, thank you, John.. [ the others try to stifle their laughter ] Wait. That was a joke at my expense, wasn’t it?
[ John Edwards re-emerges from the kitchen ]
John Edwards: Who wants Raspberry Mojitoooooos!
Howard Dean: [ aggravated ] Just bring out the pitcher, Edwards.
[ Edwards exits to the kitchen ]
Dick Gephardt: You know, I just don’t get it. Al Sharpton. I mean, why not me?! I’m the one with the most experience here!
Howard Dean: You’re right, Dick – none of us have lost half as many elections as you!
Gen. Wesley Clark: [ laughing ] Eight-time loser! Eight-time loser!
Dick Gephardt: Oh, come on! Come on, that’s not fair!
Joe Lieberman: Oh, I’m afraid it is..
Gen. Wesley Clark: I burned ya’, man! I burned ya’!
Dick Gephardt: [ angry ] I know you burned me!
Joe Lieberman: I’m afraid it is fair, Dick. Youre like David Spade in a Hollywood comedy – it makes sense on paper, but the people just arent going for it.
Dick Gephardt: You may be right. Maybe I am a loser, Mr. “Vice-President”. Oh, wait a second! You’re not the Vice-President! You lost that election!
Joe Lieberman: That’s debatable.
Dick Gephardt: No, it’s not!
[ everyone laughs at Lieberman ]
Howard Dean: Are we gonna keep watching, or what?
Gen. Wesley Clark: Yeah, why not – “Showtime at the Apollo”‘s on in a half-hour, anyway. Hut!
John Kerry: Yeah. And, if we get bored, we can try to rile up Dean, see if we can get him to punch another hole in the wall!
[ everyone laughs at Dean ]
[ John Edwards re-emerges from the kitchen ]
John Edwards: Who wants homemade caramel apples!
Dick Gephardt: Just leave them on the table, John.
(As we fade into the sketch, Johnny Cash, whos in heaven and holding a guitar, has his back to the camera. He turns around and speaks into a microphone.)
Johnny Cash: Hello Im the ghost of Johnny Cash.
[Plays a guitar riff]
You know just because Im dead doesnt mean I have a new record coming out. And its just in time for Christmas. Its a good album. I wont lie to you.
[Singing]”Its not as wonderfulAs being here in heavenWith my wife June my ma and pa.And Jesus!”
[Talking]
That said its a pretty damn good record. Isnt that funny? They let you say damn in heaven.
(Cashs record “flies” in. Cash moves over to make room for it.)
Anyway, the new record is what they call a box set.
Its five CDs of
(Darrell Hammond looks at the obviously cheap record hanging from thin wires. He looks at the audience and is about to laugh but manages to hold it in.)
unreleased music called “Cash On Earth.” (Hammonds voice cracks when he says “Earth”)
(The record flies away. Cash looks up as the record flies away)
I like that title.
Its kind of ironic.
[Singing]
“Because Im dead.”
[Talking]
Some of you might not have heard about it, cause John Ritter died the same day.
But I understand.
I loved “Threes Company”.
What the hell.
[Singing]
“Im happy up here in heaven.”
[Talking]
When I first got here St. Peter gave me guff about being dressed in black.
I told him I wasnt changing and he went and got Jesus.
We had some words and finally decided to go behind the pearly gates and settle it by leg wrestling.
Needless to say Jesus beat me two out of three times.
[Singing]”So I grabbed my gearAnd I was getting ready to goDownDownDownTo that burning ring of fire.”
[Talking]
But Jesus placed his hand on my shoulder
And turned me around and said he was just messing with me.
Turns out Waylon Jennings put him up to it.
We all shared a good laugh over that
And guess what
Last night I jammed with Jimi Hendrix
[Plays a rock guitar riff à la Jimi Hendrix]
Whoo!!
The night before it was John Lennon
And today I started to record with the killer himself Mr. Jerry Lee Lewis
But the had to leave
Turns out he was just in a deep sleep.
Who woulda thunk
[Singing]
“He would outlive me?”
[Talking]
Well, I got to go.
I think you’re going to enjoy “Cash on Earth.”
It makes a perfect stocking stuffer.
And hopefully it would tide you over until I see you up here.
Gods a cool guy
He lets almost everyone in.
I even saw one of my ex-business managers up here.
If that guy can get in
[Singing]
“I think youll do okay.”
[Talking]
Ill see you later
Im the ghost of Johnny Cash
(He plays guitar riff and turns around with the arm he played the riff in the air.)
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 29: Episode 7 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests:
December 6th, 2003 Rev. Al Sharpton Pink Tracy Morgan Paris Hilton A Message From the President of NBC EntertainmentSummary: Because the Rev. Al Sharpton is hosting “Saturday Night Live”, NBC President Jeff Zucker (Jimmy Fallon) outlines equal-time programming for the other Democratic candidates. Recurring Characters: Jeff Zucker. Transcript
MontageNote: This episode didn’t air in New Hampshire, Iowa, and three other states because they hosted early presidential primaries. “The Best of Steve Martin” aired in its place, and those markets were unable to view the episode until NBC finally reran it on July 31, 2004.
Rev. Al Sharpton’s MonologueSummary: The Rev. Al Sharpton’s younger self (Tracy Morgan) criticizes his growth as a human being. Recurring Characters: Rev. Al Sharpton. Bio: A man of many hats, the Rev. Al Sharpton (1954-) has been a civil rights activist, a minister, a would-be politician, and a tour manager for James Brown in the 1970’s. Transcript
Mom JeansSummary: The jeans with the shapely fit that says you’re a mom, not a woman. Note: Repeat from 05/10/03. Note: Originally, the commercial parody advertised itself for Mother’s Day, which has now been dubbed over to advertise itself for Christmas.
Michael Jackson on a RollercoasterSummary: Michael Jackson (Amy Poehler) rides on a roller coaster with Johnny Cochran (Rev. Al Sharpton), Elizabeth Taylor (Rachel Dratch), and a stranger (Horatio Sanz). Recurring Characters: Michael Jackson, Johnny Cochran, Elizabeth Taylor. Transcript
Brian Fellow’s Safari PlanetSummary: Brian Fellow (Tracy Morgan) is joined by his equally child-minded brother, Ryan Fellow (Rev. Al Sharpton). Recurring Characters: Brian Fellow. Transcript
Three Wise MenSummary: A cop on camelback (Jimmy Fallon) pulls over the Three Wise Men (Rev. Al Sharpton, Kenan Thompson, Tracy Morgan) for suspicious activities in the desert. Transcript
Pink performs “Trouble”Bio: Pink (1979-) began her career as an R&B and hip-hop musician, but shifted over to pop rock in order to gain creative control over her work.
Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina FeySummary: Jimmy Fallon and Tina Fey make fun of the cities that aren’t airing SNL tonight. Jimmy Fallon uses double entendres to interview Paris Hilton. Transcript
StereotypesSummary: Black stereotypes are exploited for laughs in the filming of a movie in 1935. Transcript
Reverend Al Sharpton’s Casa de SushiSummary: Even though the Rev. Al Sharpton doesn’t like sushi, he has no qualms about selling it to consumers. Transcript
Democratic CandidatesSummary: John Edwards (Will Forte) hosts an SNL-viewing party for his fellow Democratic hopefuls. Recurring Characters: Richard Gephardt, John Kerry, Joe Lieberman, John Edwards. Transcript
Pink performs “God Is A D.J.”
The LaToya Jackson ShowSummary: Joe Jackson (Rev. Al Sharpton) looks down on LaToya Jackson (Maya Rudolph) and her scatterbrained life. Recurring Characters: LaToya Jackson, Joe Jackson.
Cab RideSummary: Vasquez (Horatio Sanz) gives Rev. Al Sharpton a ride in his cab. Recurring Characters: Vasquez.
CryogenixSummary: People have their heads frozen now, in preparation of the cures that will come in the future. Note: 03e 11/08/03
Unearthed: Cash On EarthSummary: The late Johnny Cash (Darrell Hammond) releases his new CD box set direct from Heaven. Recurring Characters: Johnny Cash. Transcript
Head Scientist…..Chris Parnell Dave Clinger…..Seth Meyers Sheila…..Maya Rudolph Dr. Greg Burns…..Alec Baldwin
[ open on interior, planetarium ]
Head Scientist: Thank you all for coming here on such short notice. As you probably know, a recent diagnostic test of the Gray’s II satellite, has revealed a flaw in its orbit computer. We’ve assembled you – the finest minds in the field – to find a solution. So.. get acquainted, get to know each other, and.. let’s get to work. Any questions?
Dave Clinger: Ah, I have a question, it’s about your haircut. When exactly did Brillo Pads start making toupees? [ laughs ] You just got zinged! [ mimes gunslinger actions ]
Head Scientist: I’m sorry, I don’t think I’ve had the pleasure.
Dave Clinger: Uhhhh.. the name’s Dave Clinger, but my friends call me Dave “Zinger”, on account of my awesome, awesome zings!
Head Scientist: Um.. nice to meet you. Now, back to the satellite. I’d like to open up the floor for suggestions, and time is of the essence.
Sheila: Is there any way to increase the thrust?
Dave Clinger: Yeah! Play some Teddy Pendergrass and pour me some Margaritas! [ laughs ] You got zinged, too! [ mimes Zorro moves ] The mark! Of Zingo! Zing!
Sheila: What are you doing?
Dave Clinger: Oh! [ chuckles ] It’s just I’ve been told I’m really good at zings! So, when I have a good one, I do something afterwards, just to let everyone know that a.. really good zing has happened!
Head Scientist: That’s great. Can we continue?
Dave Clinger: I don’t know, can we? Mini-zing, bing! Keep going.
Head Scientist: [ sighs ] As I was saying.. if we can’t find a solution to this within 48 hours, we may lose serious torque.
[ Dr. Greg Burns enters the room ]
Dr. Greg Burns: Serious torque? All I see is a roomful of serious dorks! [ chuckles, then mimes an explosion ] You’re burrrrrrned!
Head Scientist: And, whom might you be?
Dr. Greg Burns: I’m Dr. Greg Burns, but my friends called me Greg “Burn”, on account of all the burnage!
[ music sting, as Clinger steps forward ]
Dave Clinger: Burn.
Dr. Greg Burns: Zinger.
Dave Clinger: I heard you were out of the zinger game. I heard you retired, and they named Second Place after you. [ mimes bow and arrow ] Ziiiing!
Dr. Greg Burns: Nice burn, Zinger. By the way, you still owe me that rent check, since you spend all your time living in my shadow! [ chuckles, then mimes rubbing two sticks together to create fire ] You’re burrrrrrned!
Dave Clinger: Yeah, uh, uh.. I’ve been meaning to send you that rent check. I want to make sure it gets to you, though, so uh.. is “Dickwad” one word or two? [ mimes cellphone ringing ] Excuse me for one moment. [ answers imaginary cellphone ] Hello? Yeah, no.. he’s here. [ to Burn ] It’s for you.
Dr. Greg Burns: [ takes the imaginary cellphone ] Hello?
Dave Clinger: Hi, this is the Operator – you’ve just been zinged!
Head Scientist: Gentlemen, please! Could you keep it down?!
Dr. Greg Burns: Ohhh, he’ll have no problem keeping it down, since he can’t keep it up! [ chuckles, mimes pouring coffee ] Glug-glug-glug.. ohhh, this coffee is too hot, would you mind holding it, please, for a minute? [ Clinger takes the imaginary cup ] Yeah. Hey, what time is it? [ Clinger turns the imaginary cup over to look at his watch, spilling the imaginary coffee on his pants ] Burrrrrrrrn!!
Dr. Greg Burns: [ outraged ] Gentlemen! This cannot continue! We have important work to do here! I’m going to have to demand.. that you guys have a Best of 3 Zing/Burn Off, with the winner declared Zingmaster.
Dr. Greg Burns: [ defensive ] Or Burnmaster!
Head Scientist: My apologies. Or Burnmaster. And, then we can get back to the business of saving this billion-dollar satellite.
Dr. Greg Burns: I’m sure this won’t be too hard.
Dave Clinger: [ mimicking ] “I’m sure this won’t be too hard“? Isn’t that what you said to your wife on your honeymoon? [ laughs, then mimes casting out a fishing line and pulling in a big one ] Whoa-oa, stay still.. [ holds up his imaginary fish in front of Dr. Burns, then mimes taking a snapshot ] Smile! [ displays the imaginary photo ] See? It’s me, it’s you.. and you’ve just been ZINGED!! Don’t even think about trying to touch this!!
Dr. Greg Burns: [ mimicking ] “Don’t even think about touching this“? Isn’t that what it says on the picture of your crotch at the free clinic?! [ laughs triumphantly, then mimes chainsawing a tree down ] Timberrrrrrrrrnn!!
Sheila: Sir.. we should really focus on the satellite —
Head Scientist: Not now, Sheila!! It’s 1 to 1 – the next Zinger or Burn decides it!
[ dramatic music, as Clinger and Burns consider their next zing or burn ]
Dave Clinger: STOP!! [ a beat ] I can’t take this war. We’re supposed to be scientists, working together for the common good.
Dr. Greg Burns: Nice try, Zinger. You can’t fool me.
Dave Clinger: I’m serious! We meed to put aside our petty difference, and work together. For once.. let Burns.. and Zinger stand side by side.
Dr. Greg Burns: Wow, Zinger. I never thought I’d say this.. but you’re a pretty good guy. [ puts his arm around Clinger ]
Dave Clinger: Whoaaaaaa!! Burns! If you want to make out with me, you’d better buy me a drink first! [ laughs, then mimes playing basketball ] Ohhh, he was fouled! [ mimes taking a basketball free shot ] Swish! Four-point zing! Yyyyyyyeahh!!
Dr. Greg Burns: You win this time, Zing! But I’ll be back!
[ Clinger continues shoooting his basketball zings ]
Head Scientist: Well, why don’t we move on to the next room, so we can.. discuss the business of this very important satellite.
[ the scientists exit to the next room, as Clinger continues to mime shooting basketball zings ]
…..Jimmy Fallon …..Tina Fey …..Will Forte …..Fred Armisen Voice of Christian Slater…..Jimmy Fallon
Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it’s “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”
Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon.
Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey. Here are tonight’s top stories.
The UN nuclear watchdog group said in a confidential report Monday, that it has found on evidence of an atomic bomb program in Iran. Leaving the U.S. no choice but to attack!
On Sunday, al Gore called for an appeal of the U.S. Patriot Act, and accused President Bush’s administration of undermining civil liberties and exploiting public fears about terrorism. And then, as always, the cashier nodded and gave him his Big Mac.
Jimmy Fallon: In a Veteran’s Day speech this Tuesday, President Bush vowed: “We will finish the mission we have begun – period.” Afterwards, he was advised that, in the future, he doesn’t have to read the punctuation marks.
Singer Wynona Judd was arrested this week for driving under the influence. A test of her blood revealed an alcohol content of 1.75, and a gravy content of 3.40.
Tina Fey: That’s above the legal limit.
Jimmy Fallon: Yeah, too much gravy!
Tina Fey: When asked to comment on the massive rain and hailstorms that hit southern California this week, Governor-Elect Arnold Schwarzenegger said, [ in Arnold voice ] “Ze hailstorms are fantastic! I promised you more action, and I delivered! We had fires, we had the ice! Now that Jerry Bruckheimer’s working on ‘Tsnami’, we’re going to make California the #1 action state in the vorld!”
This January, Kevin Costner will be honored by the Palm Springs International Film Festival, for his contribution to film. This gives costner just two months to make a contribution to film.
Jimmy Fallon: Justin Guarini, from “American Idol”, has been sued by a couple after he allegedly rammed into the back of their car. Fortunately, Guarini avoided injury, thanks to his driver-side hair bag.
Tina Fey: As many of you know, an illicit sex tape, starring Paris Hilton, hit the internet this week. Here with a review, is our own Will Forte.
Will Forte: Thanks, Tina. Thank you. You know, I’ve seen this tape, and I’ve gotta say, I found it kinda boring. And I’m not making a snap judgment here. I’ve wathced it, lik,e 80-90 times, and I just don’t see what all the hype is about. Fortunately, America, there’s another celebrity sex tape about to hit the streets, that is so hot, it’ll melt your VCR. Presenting: The Will Forte Sex Tape. [ holds up video box ]
Tina Fey: You have a celebrity sex tape?
Will Forte: Fine, Tina – semi-celebrity sex tape. But this baby is sure to make me a big star! Roll it.
Tina Fey: No, no! Don’t roll it —
Will Forte: Roll it!
[ cut to video of Will Forte dancing naked (with a big black dot over his privates) in a hotel room. He performs a naked Thighmaster routine, and even pours honey over his chest and privates. ]
[ video shifts to Will adjusting the camera ]
Will Forte: Perfect!
[ Will hops back into the bed, where Fred Armisen waits ]
Tina Fey V/O: Oh, that’s Fred..
[ on video, Will and Fred almost kiss, until Will interrupts the thought ]
Will Forte: Fred, why don’t you face that way, so you can see how pretty you look.
[ Fred Armisen movies closer to the camera to pose ]
[ fade back to the Update desk ]
Tina Fey: Wow..
Will Forte: You’re welcome, everyone! You’re welcome! And that’s just a small sample of what you’ll get for only $79.95, available at Best Buy.
Tina Fey: You can buy this at Best Buy?!
Will Forte: Fine – the sidewalk outside of Best Buy. See you thee, sex tape fans!
Tina Fey: Will Forte, everyone!
Jimmy Fallon: Jethro Tull was removed from the playlist of a classic rock station in New Jersey, after lead singer Ian Anderson criticized people hanging American flags in their cars. Apparently, listeners are so mad they’re flushing their flutes odwn the toilet.
[ flute riff from “Teacher” plays ]
Flute-rock, Tina! You don’t know anything about it, never! You never get it, ever!
Tina Fey: You’re right.. I don’t.
The owners of our very own building, Rockefeller Center, have announced plans to reopen the building’s 70th floor observation deck, which has been closed to the public for 17 years. I guess that means that Tom Brokaw and I will have to find a new place to secretly make love.
In an interview with W Magazine, Joan Rivers compared plastic surgery to car maintenance, saying you have to do it every two years. But, even for a car, she looks awful!
Jimmy Fallon: Christina Aguilera cancelled two concerts in England, saying that she has acute bronchitis. Actually, it used to be cute, but now it’s just kind of a-skanky.
Tina Fey: Christian Slater’s wife, Ryan Hadden, was arrested and charged with domestic battery Minday, after hitting Slater on the head with a glass during a fight at the Las Vegas Hard Rock Resort, giving him nine stitches. On the phone now, to comment about his ordeal, is Christian Slater. Christian, uh.. are you there? How you doing?
Christian Slater: Greetings and salutations, Tina. It’s been quite an ordeal for me. I’m just, uh.. sitting here recovering at home, with my good friend Jack Nicholson.
Tina Fey: Oh, wait? Jack Nicholson is there? Well, let me talk to him!
Christian Slater: Hold on, uh, let me get him, okay?
Faux Jack Nicholson: Hello?
Tina Fey: Hello! Mr. Nicholson?
Faux Jack Nicholson: Hi, how are you doing?
Tina Fey: I’m fine, thank you! Jack, what do you think about Christian being attacked by his wife?
Christian Slater: No, this is still Christian Slater. I haven’t passed the phone to Jack yet, I can’t find him. Oh wait, here he is! Hold on!
Faux Jack Nicholson: Hello?
Tina Fey: Hello!
Faux Jack Nicholson: Hi, how are you?
Tina Fey: Oh, hey! Jack Nicholson! Hi! Great!
Christian Slater: No, this is still Christian.. Jack walked over to the damn kitchen, here he comes back now. I can’t believe my wife hit me on the head with a glass.
Tina Fey: Are we gonna talk to Jack Nicholson?
Christian Slater: Sure, sure.. here he is.
Faux Jack Nicholson: Hi, Tina. How are you?
Tina Fey: Who am I talking to right now?
Faux Jack Nicholson: This is Jack Nicholson.
Tina Fey: Okay. Hi, Jack.
Christian Slater: Just kidding! It’s Christian Slater! I don’t know where Jack is. Look, I gotta go, I got a.. headache, because my wife threw a glass at me at the Hard Rock Casino. Bye, Tina~
Tina Fey: Alright, okay. Christian Slater, and not Jack Nicholson, everybody.
Jimmy Fallon: Actress Demi Moore turned 40 on Tuesday, but she feels like a 25 year old inside.
Tina Fey: Ohhhhhh!
Jimmy Fallon: Yeah! I did that! Yeah! I did that!
Tina Fey: The judge in the Rosie O’Donnell breach of contract suit ruled Wednesday that neither Rosie nor her publisher was entitled to any damages. Even so, Rosie didn’t go home entirely empty-handed.
Jimmy Fallon: According to new research, monkeys whose ovaries were removed ate 67% more food than other monkeys. This may explain why many women gain weight after menopause, and why I can’t get my fat monkey pregnant.
Jimmy Fallon: For Weekend Update, I’m Jimmy Fallon!
Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey! Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow!
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