Category:

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 6

03f: Alec Baldwin / Missy Elliot

The Tony Bennett Show

Tony Bennett….Alec Baldwin
Pat Malonowski….Horatio Sanz
Robert Durst….Fred Armisen

[Opens with THE TONY BENNETT LOGO. Swanky suite at a Las Vegas hotel]

Announcer: Its The Tony Bennett Show. Ladies and gentlemen, Tony Bennett.

[Tony comes out with a mic on his hand]

Tony Bennett: Hello everybody! [sings] I love things that are great. Good things are fantastic, guess what? I also paint, just a hobby nothing drastic. But one thing’s for sure, I love things, sca-dooba-da-beepop! That are gre-e-e-e-eat! Yeah! Hey! Hey, everybody! Thank you so very much. Today we got a terrific, terrific, terrific show for you. [sits] We got a whole bunch of great, great stuff. Later on, we’re gonna be mellowing out with Fat Joe, one of the great fellows singing out there today. He and I recently performed together at the Ethnic Doings at the Central Florida fairgrounds. A big guy with a big voice. But first I’d like you to meet my sidekick today on The Tony Bennett Show. I sat next to this businessman fellow on a flight to Phoenix and he made me laugh so hard I almost whizzed in my dockers. Please welcome, Pat Malonowski.

[Pat comes out, sits next to Tony]

Tony Bennett: Pat, I’m already laughing.

Pat Malonowski: Hey, Tony. Its great to be here.

Tony Bennett: I’ve worked beside a lot of comics over the years and this guy cracked up my walnuts better than any of them.

Pat Malonowski: Well, that’s real nice of you.

Tony Bennett: Hey, tell ’em that joke, Pat.

Pat Malonowski: Which one?

Tony Bennett: The one that made me spit my whiskey sour straight out of my nose.

Pat Malonowski: Oh, gosh. I don’t think there is an appropriate way to tell that one on tv.

Tony Bennett: That’s a real shame, Pat. Its a great, great joke. Couldn’t you maybe change up a few of the words a little bit? Change that one word to “kitty cat”. And that other word to “rooster sucker”.

Pat Malonowski: I probably shouldn’t there, Tony.

Tony Bennett: I guess you’re right. I’m glad you’re here anyway. I’d like to bring out my first guest. He’s a millionaire who chopped up his neighbor in their apartment complex. Some people seem to have a beef with that. He just won the big court case so I bet he’s got some pep in his step. Please welcome, Robert Durst. [Creepy white haired dude comes in, sits] Thank you for coming, Robert. You look great. Hey, that’s a real top-notch sport-coat. James Garner, I mean, eat your heart out.

Robert Durst: Oh why, thank you.

Tony Bennett: So how’s it going?

Robert Durst: Well, better now. I was a little scared there for a while.

Tony Bennett: Now, uh, you chopped up your neighbor! Tell us about that.

Robert Durst: Well, he raged at me. And as I was defending myself, I fell and accidentally…chopped him up.

Tony Bennett: Man, that’s outta sight. Now, I’m a pretty laid-back kind of guy. But I’ve had my own gripes with my neighbors over the years. You know, one summer I lived next door to Richie Sambora at Big Bear Lake. And this dude had a tropical bird the size of Chita Rivera that just wouldn’t stop squawking.

Robert Durst: Oh, that would wear me out.

Tony Bennett: You telling me Robert. Now, what’s the scoop on this first wife of yours that went missing? Did you chop her up too?

Robert Durst: I had absolutely nothing to do with that…

Tony Bennett: Hey, Robert. hold that thought on the chopping up your missing wife business. I gotta mention one of our sponsors. [holds a maxi-pad package] Stayfree Super Maxi-pads with 4-walls protection. Robert, do you mind? [Robert holds the maxi-pads] In my book, all ladies should look like Angie Dickinson. That’s why its a shame when their monthlies keep them from wearing cream-colored pantsuits. You know, I once made love to Angie Dickinson for 7 hours! Then a security guard came in and said: “Mr. Bennett, Madame Tussuad’s is closing”.[throws maxi-pads away] Anyway, we’re back with Robert Durst. Now, they also say that you’re something of a cross-dresser.

Robert Durst: Well, you know, on occasion. I have dressed in women’s clothing…accidentally, yes.

Tony Bennett: Well, I think its just great when you can put on women’s clothes, have a fight with a neighbor who rages at you, chop him up and then you both just say “uncle”. You know, I still regret not clearing things up with Richie Sambora. Sometimes I think that’s why I have trouble sleeping. In fact, I’ll just call him up right now and try to get the whole thing over with. [picks up phone] Our friends at AT&T will connect me. [phone rings]

Richie Sambora: [over the phone] Yeah? Yeah?

Tony Bennett: Is this Richie Sambora?

Richie Sambora: Yeah, who is this?

Tony Bennett: This is your neighbor, Tony Bennett. I got a beef with your bird.

Richie Sambora: I’m sorry. Who is this?

Tony Bennett: [hangs up] I heard it. He said: “I’m sorry”. That’s what I’ve been waiting for 12 years. A simple apology from Richie Sambora. Isn’t it great, Robert, when it all works out in the end?

Robert Durst: It’s so great. It really is the best.

Pat Malonowski: Hey, I just figured out how I can tell that joke.

Tony Bennett: Fantastic. Take it away, Pat! You cats are gonna love this one.

Pat Malonowski: All right. Here we go. This guy walks into a prostitution house and says: “You have any Asian kitty cat that can handle my giant rooster?” [embarrassed] Hey, you know what, I can’t tell that joke.

Tony Bennett: Pat, you know, you still killed me with that one on the plane. Hey, what do say you guys, we get up there and we sing a little something for our friends, huh? Come on.

[Robert and Pat have mics along with Tony]

Tony Bennett, Robert and Pat: [singing] I don’t believe in fretting or grieving, why mess around with strife? I never was cut out to stamp or strut out, give me the simple life.

Tony Bennett: Fat Joe, I’m gonna have to catch you on the flipside. I wanna say thanks to my guests Robert the neighbor chopper, Angie Dickinson, Richie Sambora, those maxi-pads with 4-wall protection and crazy Pat, the rooster sucker!

Tony, Robert and Pat: [singing] I find it pleasant dining on pheasant those things roll off my knife, and serve me tomatoes and mashed potatoes give me-e-e-e-e-e….the simple li-i-i-i-i-ife!

[The Tony Bennett logo]

[cheers and applause]

[fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 6

03f: Alec Baldwin / Missy Elliot

Keen Corp Presentation

Randy…..Seth Meyers
Katie…..Amy Poehler
Ray…..Alec Baldwin

[ open on Keen Corp board meeting ]

Randy: [ laughs ] I’m, uh.. I’m sure my co-workers will be here in a.. in a moment. I had no idea.. [ laughs ] I had no idea it was going to be this cold this morning! Did anybody else.. try to play golf? Because it was.. it was cold! [ chuckles ] I’m sure they’ll be here any second..

[ the door opens, and in walks the two co-workers, each looking rather disheveled and unkempt ]

Randy: Oh! Thanks goodness, here they are!

Katie: Hello, good morning.

Ray: ..Good morning.

Randy: Hey, you guys – this is Katie Platt and Ray Fatone. They’ve prepared a presentation, outlining our national sales strategies. Ray? Katie? Take it away! Fantastic!

Katie: [ sighs ] Before we get started.. does anybody have any Pepto tablets? [ no response ] No one? No one. Great. Okay, start.

Ray: Did you, uh —

Katie: I told you ten times, I don’t care! Just go ahead!

Ray: Well, why don’t you just finish your coffee, and then we’ll —

Katie: I told you, I can’t finish my coffee because I’m nauseous!

Ray: Uhh.. hello, everyone —

Katie: Oh, man.. turning on the charm..

Ray: Uhh.. this year has been one of the biggest years Keen Corp. has ever seen, in terms of growth. Uh.. want to give me a hand here, please?

Katie: Sure. [ clears her throat ]

Ray: I want to, uh.. apologize for this handwritten chart because of.. certain circumstances. Katie’s computer, uh.. got ruined, so uh – long story short: we do not have a Powerpoint presentation for you today —

Katie: No.

Ray: — but we feel that we are perfectly capable of walking you through this. In fact, uh.. in many ways, uh.. this chart says exactly what we want it to say. So, just take a few minutes to scan this, and uh.. [ turns to Katie ] Katie? Can I talk to you for a minute, please?

Katie: Sure.

Ray: Yeah.

[ they step behind their homemade presentation board for some privacy ]

Ray: I just want you to know that, uh.. I had a really good time last night..

Katie: [ angry ] Oh! Don’t even! So you have no idea where my bra went?!

Ray: Well, how do I know where your bra went?!

Katie: You took it off me!

Ray: It’s probably in the pool.. or in my rental car, or in your rental car!

Katie: Well, let me tell you something. It is.. it is a new bra! And it’s the only one I have for the whole weekend! So —

[ fearful of being missed, Ray and Katie step out from behind their presentation to re-adress the room ]

Ray: Uh.. uh.. uh.. so, uh.. as you can see from this chart.. the Keen Corporation has, uh.. gone above and beyond all expectations.

Katie: [ remembering ] Oh! You know what, it’s on the balcony.

Randy: Uh, what’s that, Katie?

Katie: Uhhh.. I’m sorry. I just remembered where I.. put something.

Randy: Listen, do you guys need a minute? Because, uh.. the food’s here, we could take a little break..?

Katie: Nooooo! Let’s just power through this!

Randy: Fantastic!

Katie: Okay. Um.. our number one goal this year, at Keen Corp. — [ turns to Ray ] You know, can I talk to you for a second?

Ray: Sure.

[ they step behind their homemade presentation board for more privacy ]

Katie: F.Y.I. and P.S.! I am capable of having a night of sex without any emotional committment!

Ray: Well, I can see that, because you’re handling it quite well!

Katie: You didn’t have any problem with how I was handling it last night!

Ray: I think you should turn up the volume! Everyone at Keen Corp can hear you!

Katie: You are a royal pig!

Ray: Ssshhhh!

[ Randy peeks in ]

Randy: We can do this later, if you guys want more time to —

Ray: Randy!!

Randy: Fantastic.

[ Ray and Katie step back out ]

Ray: Are you implying that I started what happened last night?

Katie: Well, that Prince CD didn’t just start playing by itself!

Ray: Ohhhh! And I suppose a gust of wind blew your clothes off!

Katie: Oh, give me a break! You were the one who told me I look like Jewel! And that you have the hots for Jewel!

Ray: For crying out loud! After ten beers, my mom looks like Jewel!

Randy: I think I should tell you two that your behavior is really inappropriate! Now, look! We are paying.. to have you here at this nice hotel. So, either straighten out and give this presentation, or get out of here and stop embarrassing yourselves!

Ray: I’m sorry, Randy..

Katie: Sorry, Randy..

Ray: Uh..

Katie: Hey! [ chuckles ]

Ray: [ looks at everyone ] What?!

Katie: Yeah! Right! I man, we’ve all gotten rip-assed drunk and scrumped a co-worker, right?

[ no response ]

Ray: I mean, look.. the only two things – okay, four things that we did wrong last night were, uh: cheating on our spouses, drinking and driving, not completing the presentation, and having unprotected sex. So freakin’ what?!

Katie: Yeah. Sorry for being human! [ laughs ]

Ray: So, here’s how this presentation is going to go down: we’ll finish what we have left, and everyone’s gonna shut up.. and listen. Because here’s my presentation.

[ soft music pots up ]

This woman – one Katie Platt – has singlehandedly put the spice back into my bland, sorry excuse for a life! She makes me laugh from my gut, she can drink me under the table.. and, even though she hates her body, she’s a hellcat in the sack!

Katie: [ touched ] Oh, my God.. that’s so sweet! and, even though I’m incredibly nauseous right now, I want you again!

Ray: You don’t have to ask me twice, my lady!

[ Ray pushes Katie onto the table, then climbs onboard to pleasure her ]

Katie: Ahhhhhh, yes!

[ all the executives dash out of the room, except for one frumpy-looking female executive. Randy decides to make his move on her ]

Randy: Hey, you want to go somewhere and.. work on a presentation? I’ve got some Bacardi Breezers in my fridge, and.. you know who you look like? Shania Twain.

[ Shania Twain, “Man! I Feel Like A Woman” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 6

03f: Alec Baldwin / Missy Elliot

Goodnights

…..Alec Baldwin

Alec Baldwin: Hey, everybody! Missy Elliot and Mike Myers! Mike Myers!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 6

03f: Alec Baldwin / Missy Elliot

Gay TRain

Announcer…..Chris Parnell
Harvey Fierstein…..Alec Baldwin
Dancer…..Chris Parnell
Gerard…..Kenan Thompson
Tamara Kind…..Maya Rudolph
Sir Ian McKellen…..Seth Meyers

[ Techno music plays. On a black screen, the logos of each program are shown ]

Announcer: This November, from the network that brought you Boy Meets Boy and Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, Bravo is proud to present Tony Award winner Harvey Fierstein …

[ The music changes as we fade to a logo of a gyrating pink phallic-shaped train on a track, topped with a little purple phallic-shaped smoke stack shooting rainbows ]

Announcer: … in what will be their most homosexual show yet!

[ Fade to Harvey Fierstein in a club full of male dancers, holding a microphone with the show’s logo, Gay Train ]

Harvey Fierstein: GAAAAAAAAAAAAY TRAAAAAAAAAIN!

[ Zoom out and in on the male dancers, some of whom are shirtless. Switch back to the pink train logo, now with the show’s name ]

Announcer: Just like Soul Train, only gay! And with Harvey Fierstein.

[ Back to Harvey ]

Harvey Fierstein: Got your ticket? Get on board, ’cause the Gay Train is comin’ into your station, choo choo!

[ The camera floats among the male dancers ]

Announcer: All aboard Bravo’s Gay Train! And it’s not just dancing, it’s fashion, too! Because no one knows gays like Bravo, and no one knows fashion like gay guys!

[ Cut to Harvey interviewing a clubber ]

Harvey Fierstein: What’s your name and what are you wearing?

Gerard: My name is Gerard, and I am wearing John Varvatos.

Harvey Fierstein: Did you just roll your eyes at me?

Gerard: I did NOT roll my eyes!

Harvey Fierstein: Yes you did, you tired queen! I don’t know what you’re up to, but don’t try it! I’ll read you like the back of a can of frosting! [ pinches Gerard’s nipple and chuckles ]

[ Switch back to the pink train logo with the show’s name ]

Announcer: Could it get any gayer than that? Bravo says yes!

[ A CD cover takes up the screen: “Touch of Kindness,” by Tamara Kind ]

Announcer: By introducing some of the hottest vocalists in the gay club scene!

[ Back to Harvey ]

Harvey Fierstein: Okay, people, put your hands together for Tamara Kind!

[ Applause. Her techno-pop song begins … ]

Tamara Kind: [ spoken intro ]
All queens please report to the front desk.
You have a call. A very important call.

[ singing ]
Flaw-less!
Un-relentlessly flawless!
Unforgivably, I’m flawless!
In my Devons she-dungarees,
Wo-oh-oh-ah-oh-oooooohhhh … GAY!

[ The song ends, and everyone cheers ]

Harvey Fierstein: Yeah, yeah, yeah, you go, Tamara Kind! You heard it here first on GAAAAAAAAYYYY TRAAAAAAAIIIN!

[ Switch to the red background where the train logo was before. Photos are shown of George Michael, Rob Halford, Melissa Etheridge, and Rupert Everett ]

Announcer: Exclusive, in-depth interviews with hot gay celebrities!

[ Back to Harvey, doing the bump with Sir Ian McKellen. Both are holding microphones ]

Harvey Fierstein: Sir Ian McKellen, welcome to Gay Train!

Sir Ian McKellen: Thanks. It’s my new fave show.

Harvey Fierstein: I saw ya eyeballin’ some of the Gay Train dancers!

Sir Ian McKellen: So many cute boys, so much of an age difference!

Harvey Fierstein: Ha! Very funny, Gandalf! Let’s get serious, what’s your favorite Dolly Parton movie? 9 to 5 or Straight Talk?

Sir Ian McKellen: [ shrugs ] Eh. That’s a puzzler.

[ Switch to a different version of the train logo – the pink train has been replaced with a bigger, black train. The words “November” and the Bravo logo appear. ]

Announcer: This November, coming to Bravo …

[ Back to Harvey ]

Harvey Fierstein: [ zero in on his face ] GAAAAAAAAAAAAY TRAAAAAAAAAIN!

[ Switch to the “pink train” logo ]

Announcer: Don’t miss it!

[ Fade to black ]

Submitted by: G. Gomez

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 6

03f: Alec Baldwin / Missy Elliot

The Falconer

The Falconer…..Will Forte
Gambler…..Alec Baldwin
Blackjack Dealer…..Kenan Thompson
Craps Dealer…..Fred Armisen

Announcer: In 1992, Ken Mortimer was an advertising executive in Baltimore, Maryland. Then, for reasons known only to him, he left his wife and career, and moved deep into ther forest. Now, he is known only as.. The Falconer!

[ dissolve to forest scene, The Falconer hanging upside down as Donald flaps beside him ]

The Falconer: Ohh, Donald! That tap we set for the coyote has caught yours truly instead! For four days, I have dangled here like a urine-soaked pinata! If only a gaggle of Mexican children weilding sticks would come along and put me out of my misery!

Falcon: [ squawks in protest ]

The Falconer: That’s not racist! Pinatas are of Mexican origin!

Falcon: [ squawks in protest again ]

The Falconer: Fine! A gaggle of children of all creeds and colors! Look! Just go! Get me a knife! an ax! Anything I can use to cut this rope! Hurry! I, Ken Mortimer, must liiiiiiiive!!!

[ Falcon flies into the air in search of a sharp tool; close-up of his steadfast face ]

[ Falcon flies before a wall with arrows pointing in opposite directions. Right arrow points to a store that sells sharp cutting tools; left arrow points to a casino. Falcom almost flies right, but turns left when he hears the fun sounds coming from the casino. ]

[ Falcon lands at Gambler’s side at the blackjack table ]

Gambler: I don’t know if I’d join this table, stranger. I’ve busted nine times in a row.

Blackjack Dealer: Blackjack!

Gambler: Ohhhh! Looks like you’re my lucky charm, Falcon! What do you say we go hit the town, huh? I’m up for anything!

Falcon: [ screech ]

Gambler: What? Oh, let me rephrase that: Anything except Celine Dion.

[ Falcon and Gambler exit from the blackjack table ]

[ dissolve ot Falcon pulling slot machine lever and winning big, screeching with joy ]

[ dissolve to craps table ]

Craps Table Attendee: Here’s $5,000 in chips.. and here’s your credit card.. Mr. Ken Mortimer.

Falcon: [ screeches ]

Gambler: Come on! Roll me a hard 6!

[ Falcon rolls the dice ]

Craps Table Attendee: Winner!

Falcon: [ screeches ]

Gambler: [ surrounded by young woman and old woman ] Hey, what say we go back to my room with these broads and party!

[ dissolve to Gambler’s hotel room ]

Gambler: Better fuel up, Falcon. Vegas is open all night.

[ Falcon cuts razor blade across cocaine, sniffs it through a $20 bill, then hallucinates and screeches in high-pitched tones ]

[ dissolve to Falcon lying in bed with Gambler and the two women ]

Gambler: You were great, Falcon! And you weren’t bad, either.

Falcon: [ screeches ]

Gambler: Don’t worry, Falcon – whatever happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.

[ Falcon flies off ]

Gambler: [ to the old woman ] You remind me of my 1st grade teacher..

Old Woman: Really?

[ dissolve back to the forest, where upside-down Falconer is being pelted with sticks by Mexican children ]

The Falconer: Nooo! Por favor! Noooo!! Por favor!!

Falconer: [ swoops in and screeches ]

[ the children run off ]

Falconer: Oh! Oh, Donald! You’ve returned! Ohhhhh, and you’ve brought my credit card! Where did you find it, I lost it, like, two years ago! Aw, thank you. I’ll use the sharpest of its four dull edges to fray the rope! I’ll be free within a matter of weeks! And, until that time.. you will be the Falcon, and I shall remain..

[ title card is upside-down ]

Announcer: The Falconer!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 6

03f: Alec Baldwin / Missy Elliot

Prince Charles Press Conference

Sir Anthony McCollum…..Alec Baldwin
Reporter #1…..Amy Poehler
Reporter #2…..Horatio Sanz
Reporter #3…..Seth Meyers
Reporter #4…..Horatio Sanz

Announcer: We go now to a live press conference with Prince Charles’ private secretary – Sir Anthony McCollum.

[ dissolve to the press conference ]

Sir Anthony McCollum: Right. As you all know, there’s been a lot of talk recently about an alleged event, that may or or may not have taken place, with or without a senior member of the Royal Family, who may or may not have been engaged in certain unspecified acts of a highly indeterminate nature. As you know, I cannot address the matters specifically, but I will entertain a few brief queries.

Reporter #1: Yes.. yes.. question.. question: Cynthia Watson, London Times. Can you comment at all on these rumors, concerning the Prince’s sexuality?

Sir Anthony McCollum: Madam, as you well know, legally, I cannot do that. British slander laws expressly forbid any specific mention of the matter.

Reporter #1: So sorry. Allow me to rephrase. Could one say that the Prince took.. a “holiday”.. from his “usual interests”? And, on this “holiday”, did the Prince, perhaps, “pitch a tent of the Isle of Man”?

Sir Anthony McCollum: [ mulls the sound of it in his head ] Yes, I suppose, legally, one could say that. Next?

Reporter #2: Uh, hello, thank you – if I may try a different vein. I know the Prince has! [ chuckles ] Say the Prince were to have a.. “keyboard recital” at his home.

Sir Anthony McCollum: Yes?

Reporter #2: And he were to invite a certain unnamed gentleman. This fellow would undoubtedly bring a gift – say.. flowers.

Sir Anthony McCollum: Granted.

Reporter #2: So, upon arrival, would this gent be more inclined to place “roses on the piano”.. or “tu-lips on his organ”?

Sir Anthony McCollum: [ frowns ] Sadly, the latter. [ points to next reporter ] Yes, you?

Reporter #3: Yes. Say that the Prince recently purchased a country home?

Sir Anthony McCollum: Alright?

Reporter #3: Down.. “Cadbury” Lane.

Sir Anthony McCollum: I know of no such address, but I’ll allow it.

Reporter #3: In the county of.. “Dingleberry”.

Sir Anthony McCollum: Indeed.

Reporter #3: And, say there was a problem with the insulation in this residence, a terrible draft coming in through his windows.

Sir Anthony McCollum: Where are you going with this?

Reporter #3: I wonder.. if he wouldn’t enjoy having his “crack”.. filled with “cauck”?

Sir Anthony McCollum: Undoubtedly.

Reporter #3: Quick follow-up: If His Majesty is elected to become a civil servant.. would one be writing thinking that his occcupation of choice would have been.. “manhole inspector”?

Sir Anthony McCollum: Often, his Majesty speaks of nothing else. [ points to next reporter ] Yes?

Reporter #4: Alright, despite all this talk, the Prince is above, all else, a gentleman.

Sir Anthony McCollum: Absolutely. Always ready to give a fellow a hand.

Reporter #4: And, for a friend, he’d been over backwards – or forwards.

Sir Anthony McCollum: Yes.

Reporter #4: The kind of guy who would say, “It’s better to give than to receive.”

Sir Anthony McCollum: The Prince of Wales is generous to a fault. He has been known to give until it hurts. However, I’ve also heard, that if you were to arrive at the Prince’s back door with a sizeable package, you would be received warmly.

Reporter #3: Could we say that the Prince was reared by a queen?

Sir Anthony McCollum: Yes.. of course.

Reporter #1: Yes, you’re saying that the Prince’s favorite actor is Peter O’Toole?

Sir Anthony McCollum: Yes.

Reporter #4: Right, right.. and that his favorite meal is a “sack” lunch.

Sir Anthony McCollum: Yess..

Reporter #3: And that his favorite bird is the swallow?

Sir Anthony McCollum: Indeeeed, yes.

Reporter #2: And, what of the rumor that the Prince can’t drive car over.. 68 kilometers at hour?

Sir Anthony McCollum: I haven’t heard that rumor.

Reporter #2: Because, at 69, he blows a rod!

Sir Anthony McCollum: Thank you. That’s quite enough.. I’m aorry.. that’s all the time we have for today. Thank you, thank you, thank you..

[ Private Secretary exits press conference ]

Announcer: Next up on C-Span: the Prime Minister’s questions, hopefully featuring more gay sex scandals.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 6

03f: Alec Baldwin / Missy Elliot

Breast Augmentation

Dr. Landsman…..Alec Baldwin
Miss Brennan…..Amy Poehler

[ open on interior, Dr. Landsman’s office ]

Dr. Landsman: Uh.. Miss Brennan?

Miss Brennan: Yes. Hi.

Dr. Landsman: I’m sorry to keep you waiting. I’m Dr. Landsman. Uhhh.. so, I suppose you’re here to, uh.. have some liposuction?

Miss Brennan: ..No.

Dr. Landsman: Oh! I-I’m sorry, I.. got a little ahead of myself. Won’t you sit down, please?

Miss Brennan: Oh. Okay. [ sits ] Um.. yeah..

Dr. Landsman: What can I help you with?

Miss Brennan: I’m thinking of getting a breast augmentation..

Dr. Landsman: Okay, would you stand up just for one second?

Miss Brennan: Okay. [ stands ]

Dr. Landsman: Okay. [ touches breasts ] How, uh.. how tall are you?

Miss Brennan: Uh.. I’m 5’2″. And, as you can tell, I’m an A cup, but I’d like to just go to a full B.

Dr. Landsman: Oh. I think you’ll probably want D cups.

Miss Brennan: Really? That seems too big for me..

Dr. Landsman: No, really. Trust me on this. If hyou get a B cup, you’ll just be back hee in six weeks wanting something bigger.

Miss Brennan: I-I don’t think I will – I just want it to look natural.

Dr. Landsman: [ insistent ] Of course, they’ll look natural! They’ll look more natural than what you have now! You see, beauty is about proportion. You’re very, very bottom-heavy. So, you’re going to want something to balance that out with, something like the Double D implants.

Miss Brennan: I don’t think I’m so bottom-heavy..

Dr. Landsman: Oh, you’re very bottom-heavy.

Miss Brennan: I just don’t know if I want to go that big.

Dr. Landsman: Well, let me just show you what I’m talking about. Here’s a picture of you in your bra. [ hits button on remote control, as picture of Miss Brennan in her bra appears on his computer screen ]

Miss Brennan: [ shocked ] How did you get that?!

Dr. Landsman: Miss Brennan, I’m a doctor. Now, through computer-imaging, I can show you what you would look like. [ clicks button,

Miss Brennan: What?! No! You know what, that’s much too much! I do not want giant stripper breasts!

Dr. Landsman: Miss Brennan, trust me – I have a tremendous amount of experience in this area. I shouldn’t say this, but, uh.. do you know Catherine Bell from “JAG”?

Miss Brennan: No.

Dr. Landsman: Damn! I really wanted to meet her.

Miss Brennan: What does that mean? I just don’t think that I want Double D breasts.

Dr. Landsman: Well, maybe it’s not about what you want, Miss Brennan. Maybe it’s about what society wants. And society wants you to do something to balance out that ginormous rump of yours.

Miss Brennan: What?!! That is it! That is just insulting! I am only going to stay here for a few more jokes!

Dr. Landsman: Please. Miss Brennan, calm down. Who’s the expert here?

Miss Brennan: You are.

Dr. Landsman: Who referred you to me?

Miss Brennan: I saw your ad on a bus.

Dr. Landsman: So, there you go! Let me show you the implants themselves, and you can choose. This is the teardrop Size B implant.. [ holds up normal-sized implant ]

Miss Brennan: [ touches the implant ] Hey, this is exactly what I’m looking for!

Dr. Landsman: And here’s the one I’m recommending for you. [ holds up a beach ball ]

Miss Brennan: Those are toys!

Dr. Landsman: [ smiling ] They certainly are!

Miss Brennan: This is ridiculous! I’m only standing here for one more joke, and that’s it!

Dr. Landsman: Alright.. alright. Then, how about this: we don’t use any implants, and we just take your existing breasts and mash them together and make one good one.

Miss Brennan: What?! how dare you?!

Dr. Landsman: Alright, fine.. have it your way. We’ll just go with the, uh.. teardrop-shaped size of the implants.

Miss Brennan: Thank you. You’re a very good doctor, and I’m looking forward to your performing surgery on me.

Dr. Landsman: Thank you, Miss Brennan. I’ll see you soon.

[ Miss Brennan exits ]

[ phone rings ]

Dr. Landsman: Hello? Hey, what’s up! Are you kidding, it’s going great! I can’t believe I get paid to play with hooters all day! Alright, tell Mom I’ll be home at six.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 6


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


November 15th, 2003

Alec Baldwin

Missy Elliot

None

Mike Myers
A Message From the President of the United StatesSummary: President George W. Bush (Darrell Hammond) unveils Iraqi’s new constitution.

Recurring Characters: President George W. Bush.

Montage

Alec Baldwin’s MonologueSummary: Studio musicians (Jimmy Fallon, Horatio Sanz) and a boom miker (Mike Myers) laugh excessively for Alec Baldwin and plug “Cat in the Hat.”

Also Hosted: 89r, 90n, 92m, 93m, 94h, 95k, 96n, 98i, 00p, 01r, 05h, 06e.

Huggies ThongSummary: With less padding, Huggies Thongs are more fashionable but not as effective as conventional diapers.

Note: Repeat from 10/04/03.

Breast AugmentationSummary: Breast doctor (Alec Baldwin) recommends a pair of Double D’s for his female patient (Amy Poehler).

Note: This sketch was cut from the dress rehearsal of last season’s Ray Romano episode.

Transcript

Zinger vs. BurnsSummary: Scientists Dave Clinger (Seth Meyers) and Greg Burns (Alec Baldwin) vie for the best 2 out of 3 zings/burns.

Recurring Characters: Dave Clinger.

Transcript

GaystrogenSummary: The pill that prevents middle-aged homosexuals from losing their gay sex drive.

Note: Repeat from 10/18/03.

The Tony Bennett ShowSummary: Tony Bennett (Alec Baldwin) welcomes acquitted millionaire Robert Durst (Fred Armisen) to the show.

Recurring Characters: Tony Bennett.

Transcript

The FalconerSummary: Donald the Falcon gambles with a Las Vegas hanger-on (Alec Baldwin) while The Falconer (Will Forte) hangs upside-down.

Recurring Characters: The Falconer.

Transcript

Missy Elliot performs “Pass The Dutch”Also Appeared: 97m.

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina FeySummary: Will Forte proudly shows off his homemade semi-celebritiy sex video with Fred Armisen. Tina Fey tries to contact Christian Slater’s friend Jack Nicholson over the phone.

Transcript

Prince Charles Press ConferenceSummary: Reporters question Prince Charles’ private secretary (Alec Baldwin) about the future king’s male sex romp.

Transcript

Keen Corp PresentationSummary: Co-workers (Alec Baldwin, Amy Poehler) deliver a company presentation after having a one-night stand.

Transcript

Siegfried & RoySummary: Fully healed from his tiger attack, Roy (Alec Baldwin) is ready for more punishment.

Missy Elliot performs “Work It”

Scheinwald StudiosSummary: Brad Scheinwald (Seth Meyers) tries to take his family’s movie studio in a new direction by hiring a promising new writer (Fred Armisen), but faces resistance from his dad, Alan (Alec Baldwin), and grandfather Abe (Rachel Dratch).

Recurring Characters: Brad Scheinwald, Abe Scheinwald.

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Gay TrainRecurring Characters: Harvey Fierstein.

Transcript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 5

03e: Andy Roddick / Dave Matthews

Z-105 Morning Crew

Joey Mack…..Jimmy Fallon
Andrea voice…..Jimmy Fallon
Man in the Box voice…..Jimmy Fallon
Andy Roddick…..Andy Roddick
Tyrone Washington voice…..Jimmy Fallon
Sanji voice…..Jimmy Fallon

[Open with video of freeway traffic]

Joey: [radio voice – nasally and goofy] Good morning Sogradees, good morning. Joey Mack here with whole fuzz, the Man in the Box, Andrea with traffic…

Andrea: [in high voice] Watch out for traffic, I’m not going to be here guys.

Joey: All that and more, we’ll be right back.

Cut to studio – Music cue & “Z 105”

Joey: so anyway, I’m with this hot, hot fuse last night, okay. She’s got both her legs wrapped around her head, must be into yoga or something

Andrea: Oh my God you guys

Joey: Andrea, let me talk will ya? All of a sudden, her kid walks in the room, not lying folks, I get so freaked out, I accidentally slip into the wrong hole. Uh oh!

Man in the Box: [in low, gravely voice] That’s the right hole if you ask me.

Andrea: Man in the box!

Joey: Man in the box, get back in the box!

Man in the box: I’d like to get in her box

Joey: okay its 5:29 in the a.m. we’ll be right back with the morning mix. [hits “Z 105” button]

[Andy walks in]

Andy: Hey Joey Mack [offers handshake]

Joey: [in real voice] [stands up and shakes Andy’s hand] Andy Roddick, thanks so much for coming man, wow this is great.

Andy: [at the same time as shaking hands] Hey Andy, how are you

Joey: Want some coffee, Red Bull?

Andy: Naw, I’m okay.

Joey: Yeah.

Andy: [giving a questionable look] So the whole Zoo Crew fits in this little studio?

Joey: [Looking around] What, uh, yeah, yeah. This, uh, it’s truly an honor to have you here, I’m a big fan of the U.S. Open, I’m tickled pink.

Andy: Oh thanks.

Joey: You’re just awesome, you’re just great.

Andy: Hey, I just want to get the word out about this charity event that we got this weekend.

Joey: Okay that’s cool. That’ll be my first question.

Andy: Good stuff.

Joey: Put your headphones on and relax.

[both put on headsets]

Joey: Okay. [pushes “Z105 button]

[changes voice]

Joey: And we’re back! [waits for laughter] Folks, special guest with us here, Andy Roddick. Andy, first question, you ever think about bonin’ Andrea?

Andrea: You guys stop it! He’s nice

Man in the box: Andrea is trying to get some boo-knack-eee!

[Andy gives a look like “Yeah right”]

Andrea: You guys, I have a boyfriend!

Joey: Oh yeah, Andrea is trying to get some of that Rod-dick! Yeah!

Andy: Yeah, uh, that’s, uh, that’s funny. That’s original.

Joey: You must get – you must get a lot of that boo-knack-eee off that. He’s shaking his head “yes” folks. He really is.

Man in the box: BOO-KNACK-EEE!

[Andy shaking his head in disbelief]

Joey: Man in the box! Wow!

Andy: [tries to change the subject] There’s this charity event this weekend.

Joey: Yeah, we’ll get to that in a minute Andy. But first, we got another classic “Joey Mack and the Fuzz Twisted Tune”. Here’s one that Andy requested by a little group called “Smash Mouth”.

[All-star by Smash Mouth plays]

Joey: [voicing over] Hey now, you’re a porn star, get your rocks off, get gay.

[hits “Z 105” button and song goes off]

Joey: [in real voice] Hilarious.

Andy: Naw, it’s great.

Joey: Thanks for coming, dude.

Andy: Yeah, no problem.

Joey: This is awesome. I love you man.

Andy: I just thought that I’d get to talk about the charity thing.

Joey: Oh yeah, yeah. I totally forgot all about that. Don’t worry about it. I’ll take care of it right here.

Andy: Awesome, awesome!

[pushes “Z 105 button]

Joey: [radio voice] AND WE’RE BACK! [waits for laughter] 5:35 in the am. We’ve got Andy Roddick over here. Over the break, Andy was just telling me this hilarious joke. Two black guys were beating up a handicapped kid in a parking lot.

Andy: [stunned] I did not say that!

Tyrone: [angry black voice] Aw, hell no. What’d you just say?

Joey: Ah, oh. Tyrone Washington, our new weather guy is joining us. Now Tyrone hates white people, this has got to be weird.

Andy: [looks at Joey in disbelief] I never said that!

Tyrone: Hell no! You a racist Andy Roddick!

Andy: I am not a racist!

Joey: I’m staying out of this one; this is between you two guys.

Andy: Me and who? He’s not even a real person!

Joey: Why? Because he’s black?

Andy: [exasperated] Aw ga!

[laughter]

Joey: 5:35 in the am, we’ll be right back with the morning mix.

[pushes “Z 105 button]

Joey: [real voice] Hilarious! Really good.

Andy: Dude, how do you even have a show?

Joey: You’re the man. That was great. That bit you did with Tyrone, hilarious. Classic.

Andy: What bit? You made me look like a racist in front of thousands of people.

Joey: I know, it’s a great character for you.

Andy: This is ridiculous. Listen, I just want to talk about the event and get out of here.

Joey: Oh, okay, of course. Sorry.

[pushes “Z 105 button]

Joey: [radio voice] AND WE’RE BACK!!!! [waits for laughter] We’ve got Andy Roddick in the house. Andy’s got something he wants to say, really close to him. Go ahead Andy. Tell them.

Andy: Yeah thanks Joey. I just wanted to say that Sat…

[interrupted by Joey’s farting noises]

Andy: Satur…You gonna stop doing that? [farting noises continue] Saturday at Corbett Tennis, we’re going to be raising money for literacy. And I’d also like to add that…

Joey: [finishes Andy’s sentence in Andy’s voice] …that I poop my pants.

Joey: [radio voice] Oh my God, he did!

Man in the box: Looks like chocolate pudding in his pants.

Andrea: Eww you guys!

Tyrone: Ah hell no! That white dude pooped his pants!

Joey: That is gross!

Andy: [sternly] I did not poop my pants.

Joey: Let me ask our intern Sanji, just walked in. Sanji, what did ya think of that?

Sanji: [in middle-eastern accent] Oh did you do the doo? He really did poop his pants.

[Andy takes off his headset and leaves]

Tyrone: Ah hell no! That’s nasty. Dude been eatin’ chicken neck!

Man in the box: Smells like Andrea’s boyfriend’s finger!

Andrea: Man in the box!

Sanji: Oh no, it smells like my village.

Joey: Andy honestly, [laughter] did you poop your pants or what?

Joey: [sounding like Andy] I did. I totally pooped my pants. It’s the coolest thing to do, ever. Everyone’s pooping their pants.

Joey: Andy Roddick pooped his pants, its 5:38 in the am.

Joey: [sounding like Andy] Hey could you play that song about me?

Joey: Sure Andy, no problem

[I like big butts by Sir MixALot plays]

Joey: [voices over song] I like dude’s butts and I cannot lie, I like to do it with guys, I like to unzip my fly…

[Andy runs back in]

Andy: TELL THEM I DID NOT POOP MY PANTS, I DID NOT POOP MY PANTS! TELL THEM!

[Joey hits “Z 105” button and takes off headset]

Joey: [mouthed to Andy] Great! Sorry.

[Andy runs off stage to next skit as scene fades]

Submitted by: Richie Hoseney

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 5

03e: Andy Roddick / Dave Matthews

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Tina Fey
Tim Calhoun…..Will Forte
Rosie O’Donnell…..Horatio Sanz

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it’s “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”

Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey. Here are tonight’s top stories.

In the ‘Rock the Boat Presidential Debate” Tuesday night, Democratic presidential candidates Howard Dean, John Edwards, and John Kerry admitted that they had smoked marijuana. While Dennis Kucinich admitted that he was “High right now.”

Barbara Walters announced the finalists to replace Lisa Ling as co-host of “The View”. They are Rachel Campos from “The Real World”, Elizabeth Hasselbeck from “Survivor 2”, and a machine that gives people splitting headaches.

Jimmy Fallon: In a speech Thursday, President Bush urged countries to modernize in caution because “Modernization is not the same as Westernazation”. Then, mentally exhausted, he collapsed into a chair.

This week, Larry King interviewed David Blaine about his recent stunt, spending forty-five days in a plexi-glass box. Viewers witnessed the sight of a haggard man, who appeared near death, plus some footage of David Blaine.

Tina Fey: CBS cancelled its mini-series on the life of Ronald Reagan after the Republican National Committee protested what it called, “historical inaccuracies”. The RNC also objected to the network’s unflattering portrayal of George W. Bush, until they realized it was just a live press conference.

Jimmy Fallon: Well, this week, the Democratic candidates for president squared off in a televised debate. In the interest of equal time, please welcome independent candidate for president, Tim Calhoun, everybody.

Tim Calhoun: I am Tim Calhoun, and I am running for candidate for president for America. My candidacy is based on honesty, so there are a few things about me you should know.

(pauses to look at his cards)

I’ve been in jail. It’s not important how many times, but if you must know, let’s see, one….two…thirty-one times.

(pauses again to change cards)

There are times when I’m not gay at all. But then, there are other times, I’m so gay, it more than makes up for it.

(pauses to change cards)

Here’s where I stand on the issues: I’m glad that drunk driving is illegal. When I’m drunk, I drive like crap!

(pauses to change cards)

I propose, that for scientific testing purposes, we breed a type of midget even smaller than the normal midget. We can call them, “Shetland Midgets”.

(pauses to switch cards. Much longer hesitation)

There’s nothing on this card.

(pauses again to switch cards)

In conclusion, and in summary, read my lips: (lip-synchs a few sentences quickly) I think that says it all. Vote for me, Tim Calhoun, for candidate for president for America for goodbye!

(exits)

Jimmy Fallon: Tim Calhoun, everybody! Tim Calhoun for president!

Tina Fey: Good luck Tim.

According to a new study, seventy-three percent of women are ashamed of their own vaginas. And from what I’ve seen, they should be. (pause) The study also showed that twenty four percent of women haven’t even looked at their vaginas in a year or more, only that’s because Colin Farrell’s head is always in the way.

Jimmy Fallon: A leading obesity researcher has developed a theory that obesity in humans may be linked to a virus…a delicious, cream-filled virus.

Kenyan runners swept the top three spots in Sunday’s New York City Marathon. However, the top three spots in the Kenyan Marathon were swept by Ed Koch, George Stienbrenner, and Woody Allen.

Tina Fey: Researchers have reported that cats and ferrets can carry the SARS virus. As a result, tonight’s orgy at Richard Gere’s house has been cancelled.

Jimmy Fallon: (adlibs) That’s like a public service announcement.

Congratulations to David Letterman, who became a father Monday, when his girlfriend gave birth to their son, Harry Joseph Letterman. And yes, it floats.

A hunter in France who kept a loaded shotgun in the back seat of his car was shot, when one of his dogs stepped on the trigger. It appeared to be an accident, but the man swears that just before the gun went off, his dog said, “Fetch this, motherf-(gun shot sound)”

Tina Fey: The last of the famous Redbird subway cars was taken out of service in New York Monday. The cars were called ‘Redbird” for the fact that they were painted red, and smelled like a bird had crapped itself to death inside them!

Jimmy Fallon: Rosie O’Donnell testified this week in her legal battle with the publishers of “Rosie” magazine. Witnesses so far have portrayed Rosie as difficult and controlling, which raises the question: Who is the real Rosie O’Donnell? (glances off screen and smiles) The queen of nice talk show hosts, (begins to laugh) or the- wait for it.(pauses) Or the abusive tyrant? Now here to make her case on national television is Rosie O’Donnell, ladies and gentlemen.

Rosie O’Donnell: (sits with right profile facing Jimmy. Dressed as talk show host Rosie) Thank you, Jimmy. You’re a cutie-petutie!! (pinches his cheek) Yeah!!

Jimmy Fallon: Yeah, I guess so. Hey, Rosie, we keep hearing this terrible things about you. That you’re always screaming and yelling. (Jimmy absolutely cracks up and is unable to finish the next couple of sentences) That’s not true, right?

Rosie O’Donnell: Jimmy, you know me, I’m loud, I talk loud, I sing loud! Hey! You wanna sing one of my songs together?

Jimmy Fallon: Sure!

Tina Fey: Wait, wait, before you sing, what about the accusation, Rosie, that you told a woman with cancer that that’s what happens to people who lie- they get cancer?

(Rosie spins to her left profile facing Tina. She has a short haircut and is wearing a denim button up shirt. She is also much more angry and aggressive.)

Rosie O’Donnell: Do not interrupt me, Tina Fey!! You know what happens to people who interrupt Tina? People who interrupt get the Ebola Virus!!

Tina Fey: They do?

Rosie O’Donnell: Yes! And people who talk smart get shin-splints! Now quit sluttin’ it up around here and go get me a box of Ring Dings, four eyes!

Jimmy Fallon: Hey Rosie, how’s your new musical going?

(Rosie spins back to her right profile to face Jimmy, going back to nice talk show host Rosie)

Rosie O’Donnell: It’s fantastic, Jimmy- Jimmy Gum Drops! I’m producing a new Broadway musical called, “Taboo”. And if you look under your chair, you’ll find the cast CD of it!

Jimmy Fallon: Really?

(Jimmy and Tina both look under their chairs, but only Jimmy gets a CD)

Jimmy Fallon: Yeah! Thanks Rosie, you’re the best!

Tina Fey: But there’s nothing under my chair, Rosie

(Rosie spins back to her left, devilish profile and backhands Tina in the face)

Rosie O’Donnell: Shut ya f’in mouth, Tina Fey! What? You think I’m gonna be nice to you ’cause we’re both lesbians?!

Tina Fey: I’m just saying, I thought you’d be…

Rosie O’Donnell: Shut up! Where’s my cheesy breads?

Tina Fey: What? I didn’t know you wanted cheesy bread.

Rosie O’Donnell: I always want cheesy bread!

Jimmy Fallon: Here Rosie, have some of my cheesy bread.

(Rosie spins back to her nice side)

Rosie O’Donnell: Thank you, Jimmy! You’re a sweety-petutie-doodie-doodie! I’m gonna buy you a PT Cruiser!

Jimmy Fallon: Awesome! Awesome! You’re my favorite!

(Rosie breaks out in song- ‘Don’t’ go Breakin’ my Heart’)

Rosie O’Donnell: Don’t go breakin my heart!

Jimmy Fallon: I couldn’t if I tried!

Tina Fey: Alright, forget this, Rosie O’Donnell, everybody…

(Rosie completely loses it and takes out Tina Fey in her chair off-screen)

Jimmy Fallon: For Weekend Update, that was Tina Fey, and I’m Jimmy Fallon, goodnight, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

Submitted by: Blake B.

SNL Transcripts