Lawrence….Bernie Mac Steve Thinson….Jimmy Fallon Greg Ferguson…Horatio Sanz
[Opens with a wacky Game Show Network logo]
Announcer: We now return to Brain Busters on the Game Show Network.
[Brain Busters logo]
[Lawrence, the host, is an elegant black man in a suit. Two geeky white contestants]
Lawrence: And welcome back to Brain Busters where our returning champion Steve Thinson is now leading our challenger Greg Ferguson by 200 points. Steve, you’re in charge of the board.
Steve: I’ll take astronomy for a $1,000.
Lawrence: Are you sure? There’s a whole bunch of other categories up there on the board.
Steve: I’m gonna stick with astronomy, Lawrence.
Lawrence: Ok. You sure? Ok, all right. Astronomy for $1,000. Danish astronomer Tyke Brahe was not raised by his parents but by his uncle who lived…..[beep] Steve?
Steve: His uncle Yorgin.
Lawrence: That’s correct.
Greg: Well, you know, it wasn’t gonna be Yolas.
[the nerds Steve and Greg crack up at their inside joke]
Steve: Ha, ha, that’s good, that’s good.
Lawrence: Wow, its an unbelievable game here. You know, my judges just informed me that this is the first time that our contestants have won and have answered every question correctly. Well Steve, we only have one category left. So, you can choose a question.
[The only category left on the board is BLACK HISTORY]
Steve: I got to be honest. It’s not my area of expertise. I think I’m gonna pass.
Lawrence: What do you mean you’re gonna pass, Steve? You’re on fire.
Steve: I’m more of a math/science type of guy. Greg, you’re up.
Greg: I don’t wanna.
Lawrence: [mildly offended] Hey, hey, hey. Come on now.
Greg: I just…I know I’m going to get it wrong and I don’t want you getting the wrong idea. I don’t want you thinking I’m some kind of, you know, cause I’m not.
Lawrence: Steve, Steve. I want you to pick a category.
Steve: All right. Here it goes. I’ll take Black History for $200.
Lawrence: All right. Ok. Black History for $200. In 1955 this woman refused to give up her seat setting off the Montgomery Alabama bus boycott. Anyone? Steven?
Steve: I- I don’t know. I really don’t want to guess.
Lawrence: Come on now.
Steve: I don’t think so. Not good, not good.
Lawrence: Just guess, fool!
Steve: Fine. Tina Turner. [Lawrence is really offended] I knew it was wrong. I knew that was wrong. I don’t know why—
Lawrence: Greg, famous African-American woman.
Greg: Tootie?
Lawrence: [angry] Tootie! What?! Why you messing with my people?! We know y’all history! Why you messing with my people?! Are you joking?
Greg: [scared] Yeah, yeah. I’m sorry. Joking. I guess its over. Hey, nice playing with you. [shakes hands with Steven]
Steve: Take care, buddy.
Lawrence: Hey, hey, hey, hey!!! Get back! Get back! The game is not over! Now, let’s go back to Black History for $400. This African American scientist created peanut butter. Greg?
Greg: Mr. Peanut?
Lawrence: [angry, offended] Mr. Peanut?! Come on man! Steve, you better…you know this! Come on!
Steve: I- I- no.
Lawrence: Ok, ok. [calms himself] I give you a hint, ok? He has three names.
Steve: Phillip Michael Thomas? [Lawrence is furious] Is not what I was going to say. What I was going to say was…Michael Jamal Warner? Bobby McFerrin? I- I don’t–I-I’m sorry.
Lawrence: [offended] Bobby McFerrin?!
Steve: You said three names. You said that.
Lawrence: [speechless] W-w-w-w-what is wrong with you people? We know your people! There’s only 3 black people you need to know. Martin Luther King, Jesse Jackson and Rosa Parks. That’s all you need to know. Aaahh, let’s go back to Black History for $600. Here’s the question. He became the first African American baseball player when he played for the Brooklyn Dodgers in 1947.
Steve: I’m not really a sports guy.
Lawrence: Steve, you answered the whole doggone section of Brooklyn Dodgers!
[Brooklyn Dodgers section is empty]
Lawrence: Now, I know you know this question.
Steve: Pass?
Lawrence: YOU CAN’T PASS! Now, come on! ANSWER IT!
Steve: I really don’t know.
Lawrence: YOU DO KNOW IT!
Steve: I don’t think…
Lawrence: ANSWER IT!!
Steve: I’m a little nervous now, you don’t want to hear what I’m thinking…doesn’t make sense. I don’t know what to say.
Lawrence: [fuming] Steve, answer the damn question.
Steve: Lamont from “Samford and Son”?
Lawrence: [going crazy] Come on! My dear God! I can’t believe this, man! What’s going on?! What’s happening to America?!
Greg: [buzzing in] “Dwayne, Rog and Rerun!” “What’s Happening”?
Lawrence: [angry as hell] Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! [calming himself] Ok, forget about it. We’re going to move to the final round. General knowledge. This was Winnie the Pooh’s feline friend.
Steve: [buzzing in] I know this one. The answer is…
[Screen goes to PLEASE STAND BY]
[Show returns. Lawrence has Steve gripped violently by the shirt collar]
Steve: I meant to say “TIGGER”! With a “T”!
Lawrence: [violent] What did you say?! Uh?! What did you say?!
Steve: Freudian slip! It was a Freudian slip!
[Brain Busters logo]
Announcer: This has been the last episode of Brain Busters ever! We’ve been canceled!
Boston Teens At ballgame, Sully (Jimmy Fallon) & Denise (Rachel Dratch) try to sneak beer. Recurring Characters: Pat Sullivan, Denise Mc, Frank.
Brain Busters White contestants (Jimmy Fallon, Horatio Sanz) don’t know Black Trivia.
Hot Sauce Carry Case Black partygoers (Maya Rudolph, Mac) can’t enjoy burgers without hot sauce.
The Pianist Black guys (Mac, Tracy Morgan) talk while watching “The Pianist”.
Good Charlotte performs “Anthem”
Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey Embedded newscaster Gene Shalit (Horatio Sanz) makes bad puns in Iraq. Drunk Girl (Jeff Richards) gabs about her spring Break trip. U.S. Amen (Will Forte, Chris Parnell) sing of boycott choices. Recurring Characters: Gene Shalit.
The Four Stooges Slapping Rib-Eye (Mac) induces higher form of violence for the trio.
No Smoking Smokers (Mac, Amy Poehler, Jimmy Fallon) can’t keep occupied indoors.
Second Time Around Glenda Goodwin’s (Maya Rudolph) ex-husband (Mac) signs papers. Recurring Characters: Glenda Goodwin, Renada Wang.
Donatella Versace…..Maya Rudolph Adrianna…..Salma Hayek Joel Royce…..Amy Poehler Ricardo Ferost…..Fred Armisen Michael Jackson…..Dean Edwards …..Christina Aguilera
Announcer: Versace extravagance decadence Donatella Versace
(SUPER: Versace Oscar Fashion Preview. Cut into a scene of four half naked studs carrying in Versace on a stretcher)
Donatella Versace: Ah hello everybody. It’s my Oscar Fashion Preview coming to you live from my boutique over Roseo Drive.
Adrianna: Hello Donatella.
Donatella Versace: Who the hell are you?!
Adrianna: Like I’ve told you the other fifty times we’ve met, I’m Adrianna, the head of operations for all of your stores in California.
Donatella Versace: Well, right now you’re the head of getting me some more champagne!
Adrianna: Boys! (She claps her hands and the guys light Versace a cigarette and fill her glass)
Donatella Versace: Mmm thank you. Now tell me again why I am her today?
Adrianna: Donatella, it’s time to pick the Oscar dresses for the actresses.
Donatella Versace: AAAHH!! Actresses!! Gross!!! (She tries to run away, but is grabbed by the nimble Adrianna) Let go bitch!
Adrianna: No, no, no, no, no, you have to work, we have work to do. (Continues to restrain Versace)
Donatella Versace: I’m not going to bitch, I’m serious!
Adrianna: Bitch, I’m more serious! (She gives Versace a huge slap)
Donatella Versace: (she recoils then faces back the audience, smiling) That was fantastic. Now tell me which ones are coming in, WHICH ONES!!!
(Adrianna grabs a notebook, opens it, and begins to read)
Adrianna: We have Meryl Streep.
Donatella Versace: Pantsuit.
Adrianna: Salma Hayek.
Donatella Versace: Sweater dress, off-the-shoulder, with “Donatella” written on the ass in sequins.
Adrianna: Nicole Kidman
Donatella Versace: Strapless leather micro-mini with peek-a-boo cutouts.
Adrianna: Kathy Bates
Donatella Versace: Douve cover! From the Versace home collection.
Adrianna: Sharon Stone
Versace: Straitjacket and tights.
(A guy and girl enter the boutique wearing secret-service-like headphones over their ears)
Joel: Hello, hi, we’re here to pick up a dress for Catherine Zeta-Jones.
Ricardo: Yeah, CZJ needs a gown.
Joel: (speaking into her headphone) Yeah, what? Catherine?
Ricardo: (also speaking into headphone) Perfect.
Joel: Zeta-Jones?
Ricardo: Sounds excellent
Joel: You got it.
Ricardo: That’s funny.
Joel: ZJ, that’s great.
Ricardo: Sure.
Joel: Certainly
Ricardo: Great idea.
Joel: Okay.
Ricardo: Brilliant.
(they stop speaking into the headphones)
Joel: Hi, I’m Joel Royce and this is, um
Ricardo: Hey, I’m Ricardo Ferost for Catherine Zeta-Jones’ people.
Donatella Versace: Great. You bitches put your heads together, eh?
Together: (obeying) Okay
Donatella Versace: Now take tiny, baby steps towards me.
Together: (coming forward) Alright
Donatella Versace: Little closer, a little closer. (Her head is millimeters away from theirs, she begins whispering) You tell that bitch that I need to see her pregnant Zeta-ass in person, but also tell that mofo that I love her so much, and when she comes back if she could just bring me a hotdog? Please? Just a small one with a little relish (directly into their ears) NOW GET OUT!!!
(They quickly retreat outside the boutique, just as Michael Jackson comes in)
Adrianna: Donatella, I don’t mean to alarm you, but Michael Jackson’s at the door.
Donatella Versace: Who??
Adrianna: Michael Jackson!
Donatella Versace: Oh no, that crazy bitch. What should we do? Hide?
Adrianna: No, that doesn’t work with him. Let’s pretend we’re mannequins!
Donatella Versace: Okay.
(They both position themselves into stylish model poses, Versace still with her cigarette and champagne bottle)
Michael Jackson: Hello? Yoo-hoo! YOO-HOO!! YOO-HOO!!! I wanna buy some stuff (fingering Adrianna’s hair) I wanna buy these two mannequins! Yoo-hoo!
Donatella Versace: (not moving from position) They’re not for sale!
Donatella Versace: So what do we do now, fold sweaters?
Adrianna: No, we actually have to keep going over the dresses for the Oscars.
Donatella Versace: Alright.
(Christina Aguilera enters)
Christina Aguilera: Donatella! (singing) You are beautiful
Donatella Versace: Christina! (drunkenly singing) You are beautiful oh my God, I’m loving you! It’s the beautiful new face of Versace, Christina Aguilera! You are my baby, ah? Yes, I want to hold you in my arms and pat you on your little back like a tiny baby. Then I can burp you, and put a little powder on your bottom
Adrianna: (separating them) Don’t be a weirdo, Donatella.
Donatella Versace: Okay
Adrianna: Hi, Christina darling, what can we do for you?
Christina Aguilera: I’m actually going to an Oscar party, and I need something glamorous to wear.
Donatella Versace: Oh, anything for you, here you go. (She rips off her dress, revealing a white bra and what appears to be a puffy blue diaper, and gives it to Christina)
Christina Aguilera: Donatella, you dirty bitch! This is beautiful!
Donatella Versace: (waving her off) Ah you’re the beautiful bitch!
Adrianna: You’re both beautiful bitches! (she drapes her arms over both)
Donatella Versace: Ah we are all beautiful bitches, ah? Now let’s go to my private and jet and go to that fancy McDonald’s in Monte Carlo.
(They exit and the half-naked guys start dancing again while the SUPER: VERSACE’S OSCAR FASHION PREVIEW reappears)
Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Centre, this is Weekend Update, with Jimmy Fallon, and Tina Fey.
Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon.
Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey, and here are tonight’s top stories.
Despite the Bush administration’s request for a UN vote on Iraq Friday, they have once again pushed the deadline back. The new UN deadline is March 61st.
The U.S. military exploded a new 21,000 pound mega-bomb, the largest non-nuclear weapon in history, over Florida Tuesday. Minutes after the explosion, florida agreed to disarm.
In protest to Frances opposition to a U.S. war on Iraq, the U.S. congress cafeteria has changed French Fries and French Toast to Freedom Fries and Freedom Toast. Afterwards, the congressmen were so pleased with themselves, they all started Freedom Kissing each other.
Tina Fey: In a related story, in France, American Cheese is now referred to as Idiot Cheese.
Jimmy Fallon: Trust me! They’re laughing at us! French fries aren’t even French! They’re Belgian. Some American guy named thm wrong, to begin with. Also, Americans – they’re pouring bottles of French wine down the toilet. Stop it! You already paid for the wine, you dopes! Pee in the wine, and sel it to some French people! Then, you’re doing something!
Tina Fey: Yeah! And, you know, don’t think that by eating Freedom Fries, you’re being patriotic and helping the war effort. Use less gasoline! Read a newspaper! You know? How about you cool it with the Freedom Fries, anyway, you fat asses! We’re the fattest, country in the world! Have you ever walked around an American mall? It’s nothing but Chick-Fil-A’s and Lane Bryant track suits busting at the seams!
Together: Do something!!
Don Pardo V/O: This has been Jimmy & Tina Yelling At America.
Christiane Kittel, a 24-year old woman awoke from her 7-year coma, after she was taken to a Bryan Adams concert. Okay, so that’s one. But why was everyone else at the Bryan Adam concert in a coma?
The Dixie Chicks angered country music fans Thursday, when lead singer Natalie Mains told a London audience, “Just so you know, we’re ashamed the President of the United States is from Texas.” Ifyou’d like to her more of what Natalie Maines has to say, check out the new government wiretap on all of her phones.
Jimmy Fallon: Here now, all the way from South America, are Venezeulan nightclub comedians Fericito and Lupe!
Fericito: [ banging drums ] Did you feel it?! [ audience applauds ] I said, Did you feel it?! [ audience applauds louder ] I’m Fericito, and I’m a nightclub comedian from Venezuela.
Lupe: And I’m Lupe!
Fericito: Say, Lupe.. isn’t it wonderful to be here on Sabado Night Live! We have the most comfortable dressing room! I must have spent an hour on the toilet!
Lupe: Fericito, there is no toilet in our dressing room.
Fericito: [ bangs a rim shot on the drums ] Oh, Dios Mio!
Lupe: [ shakes caracas ] Ay, pipa!
Fericito: Awww.. so, anyway, yesterday, Lupe and I were in California. Lupe. Did you feel that earthquake last night?
Lupe: I did a good job pretending I felt one! [ winks ]
Fericito: [ bangs a rim shot on the drums ] Oh, Dios Mio!
Lupe: [ shakes caracas ] Ay, pipa!
Jimmy Fallon: Hey, uh.. Fericito.. aren’t you going to introduce us?
Fericito: Oh, how rude of me. Allow me to introduce my new wife – and comedy sidekick – Lupe Muniz!
Lupe: Hola, Jimmy! Hola, Tina Fey! Uh.. Jimmy? You mean, Tina is your comedy sidekick and wife?
Tina Fey: Oh, no, no, no! We’re not married.. we’re just, like, partners.
Fericito: Ohhhhh… Himmy! Tina Fey! You sohuld really think about getting married! It’s more
Tina Fey: How is it more professional?
Fericito: People only want to see a man and a woman do comedy, if they are married! Like Lucille Ball and Desi Arnez!
Lupe: Like Howie Long and Teri Hatcher!
Jimmy Fallon: They-they’re not married..
Tina Fey: No..
Fericito: Look! Himmy! Excuse me. Doing comedy is like making love to your wife, okay? You sweat a lot.. you make funny faces.. and.. if you’re bad, the audience demands their money back! [ bangs a rim shot on the drums ] Oh, Dios Mio!
Lupe: [ fuming ] Fericito, this is not funny! Why do you talk about this things on television?
Fericito: Oh, Lupe.. it’s just a yoke, it’s a comedy show..
Lupe: Oh, no, Fericito.. These things are passionate. Our mothers are watching. Sometimes you just make me want to scream! [ angrily drops her caracas on top of the drums and folds her arms ] I’m just KEEEEEDING!!!
Fericito: [ bangs his drums with joy ]
Jimmy Fallon: Fericito, Lupe, everybody!
Tina Fey: It’s been reported that more and more Americans are using search engines like Google.com to locate and contact their ex-girlfriends and boyfriends. This is no use to me, however, because everyone I’ve ever dated has ended up dead!
A dog groomer in Nebraska has reported to the police for allegedly giving a poosdle a bad haircut. In other news: Osama bin Laden is still at large.
A Chicago man tried to rob a jewelry store by swallowing a 3-karat diamond ring, valued at more than $37,000. The man said swallowing the diamond ring was all part of his plan to ask his proctologist to marry him.
[ a knock is heard offscreen ]
Jimmy Fallon: Tina, I think somebody’s at the Update door.
Tina Fey: Well, whoever might it be. [ stands up to answer the door ] Oh! Look, Jimmy! It’s teen punk-pop sensation Avril Lavigne! Hey, Avril!
Avril Lavigne: Fyou, Jimmy! Fyou, Tina! [ makes a scowl ]
Tina Fey: Watch your language, Avril!
Avril Lavigne: No, I won’t watch my language! [ begins singing from “Complicated” ]
Jimmy Fallon: Okay, okay.. settle down..
Avril Lavigne: NO!!! I’m a punk rocker! I’m wearing a boy’s tanktop! Look at my mad face! Bleaaah!! F it up! Suck it! Look! Watch! [ holds her hand up menacingly ] That’s the English middle finger! Wrap your minds around that! I don’t know who David.. Bow-ie is.. or the Sex.. Pie-stols.. I’m, like, 17, and they’re, like, 100! So.. [ makes mad face ] ..bleaaahh!!
Tina Fey: Avril, do you have anything relevant to say..?
Avril Lavigne: I’m MAAAAD!! I have a paperclip! And put it in my ear!! I don’t give a F! ‘Cause I’m pissed!! And I’m a punk!
Tina Fey: Okay, time to go.. time to go..
Avril Lavigne: Fine! I will go! But just remember, wherever you are: “I’m with you-ou-ou!!”
Jimmy Fallon: Avril Lavigne, everybody.. Avril Lavigne..
A professor at the University of Wisconsin says he’s found a way to take the bitterness out of chedder cheese. Now, if he can only find a way to remove the arrogance from Wheat Thins.
A Texas man accused of abusing his stepson was ordered by a judge to spend thirty nights sleeping in a doghouse. That way, when the thirty days are over and the judge isn’t around, he’ll be really nice to his stepson!
Tina Fey: The 75th Annual Academy Awards will be held a week from tomorrow in Los Angeles, ending months of speculation over who will win an Oscar, the most coveted statue in the world.
Jimmy Fallon: That’s right, Tina. Check it out. We just happen to have one of those babies here on loan from the Academy. [ rwaches under Update desk ] Or, at least, it should be here.. [ finding nothing ] Oh, my God!
Tina Fey: What?
Jimmy Fallon: The Oscar.. it’s gone.. someone took it..
Tina Fey: Well, who would want to do that?
Jimmy Fallon: I don’t know.. Tracy.. Horatio.. I don’t know..
[ Gollum, from “The Lord of the Rings” jumps atop the Update desk ]
Gollum: The precious! We want that! We deserve that!
Jimmy & Tina: Gollum!!
Jimmy Fallon: I should have known it was you.
Gollum: The precious! We love the precious!
Jimmy Fallon: Gollum, that Oscar has to be returned to the Academy Awards. Speaking of which.. who are your picks this year?
Gollum: Julianne Moore should win Best Actresses! [ turns head ] No! Julianne Moore should win Best Supporting Actresses! [ turns head back ] Hoo-oo-oo-oohhh! We loved “Gangs of New York”! [ turns head ] Hmm.. really? Do you think Oscar says his best work? [ turns head back ] Hoo-oo-oo-oohhh! No, you’re right.. they’re just giving him props for all the times he was overlooked!
Jimmy Fallon: Okay, okay, okay.. it’s time to go. Hey.. by the way.. who’s your big date for the night?
Gollum: I’m bringing my mother! But, God, I’m not gay!
Tina Fey: Gollum, everybody! He’s not gay.
ABC’s “All My Children” will break a daytime TV taboo, when it features the first-ever lesbian love scene. Hoping it’s a success, other soaps are ocnsidering gay spin-offs, such as: “The Bald & The Beautiful”, “As The World Turns Over”, “Pork Charles”, and, of course, say it with me: “Genital Hospital”.
Tina Fey: St. Patrick’s Day is on Monday. Here with some thoughts on the celebration of all things Irish, is our own Jimmy Fallon!
Jimmy Fallon: [ holding guitar ] St. Patrick’s Day is coming up, and I can’t wait! I love it! As you know, you don’t have to be Irish to celebrate St. Patrick’s Day. Last year, I went to my favorite Irish bar, and I was the only Irish guy there.
[ singing to the tune of John Mayer’s “Your Body Is A Wonderland” ]
“There’s a rabbi with a shillelagh There’s a McCormack named Sean. There’s an Indian dude playing bagpipes There’s a Chinese leprechaun.
Nobody’s here from Ireland! Nobody’s here from Ireland, that’s for sure. Nobody’s here from Ireland! Nobody’s here from Ireland!”
It’s fun, uh.. people dance, they sing.. they drink. Uh.. and I have a favorite drink, uh..
[ singing to the tune of Christina Aguilera’s “Beautiful” ]
“St. Patrick’s Day, I think it’s wonderful The day is here, for Guinness Beer. Guinness Beer, you’re mysterious I pour you out, then wait an hour You are beautiful, I drank a case today! Now I weigh 300 pounds So won’t you drink one down? Won’t you drink one down? Today?”
Of course, there’s a big parade that goes up 5th Ave., but there’s still this controversy about not letting everybody march.
[ singing to the tune of Coldplay’s “Clocks” ]
“Bagpipes start to play You can march, unless you’re gay Singing many different shades of green Don’t mess with an angry queen.
Singing let them march, and you will know Gay guys make better floats. Singing coo-oo-oo-ool float. Coo-oo-oo-ool float.”
Please remember that, uh.. this holiday can be a lot of fun, uh.. don’t drink too much, okay?
[ singing to the tune of Eminem’s “Lose Yourself” ]
“Look! You only have one shot! After 6 pints of Amstel, 3 Budweisers, 2 beers I never heard of – microbrews. Plus 1 Seagram’s wine cooler you stole out of some girl’s backpack. Then you ate everything you saw at the parade. Could you digest it? Or lose control of your bodily functions.
Yo, my palms are sweaty. Corned beef, canned confetti Falling on my sweater already. Green confetti I’m bupring, But on purpose I keep forgettin’ to throw up
I don’t think my brain will let me hold it down. Now, I’m bending over, it won’t come out Time’s up! Over! Blast! And back comes the cabbage There goes shamrocks Some wasted sandwiches I hope there’s no cameras Oh, a weak bladder I won’t until it don’t matter I’ll clean it next Saturday Puke yourself in the bathroom..”
Tina Fey: For Weekend Update, I’m Tina Fey! And that’s Jimmy Fallon! Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.
[ Jimmy continues to play his guitar, and a gangster sneaks up behind him and steals his pencil ]
Patrick Fitzwilliam…..Jimmy Fallon William Fitzpatrick…..Seth Meyers Bar Patron…..Horatio Sanz Brendan Maloney…..Darrell Hammond Rosa…..Salma Hayek
[ show station identification slide ]
Announcer: You’re watching RET-2, Ireland’s other television network. It’s 9:30 in the a.m., and next up is “Top O’ The Morning”, with your hosts Patrick Fitzwilliam and William Fitzpatrick.
[ cue Irish music, dissolve to bar area of talk show set ]
Patrick Fitzwilliam: It’s 9:30 in the AM, welcome to “Top O’ The morning”. I’m your host, Patrick Fitzwilliam.
William Fitpatrick: And I’m William Fitzpatrick!
Patrick Fitzwilliam: And we’ve heard the jokes, so save it!
William Fitzpatrick: Save it!
Patrick Fitzwilliam: Save it!
William Fitzpatrick: Save it!
Patrick Fitzwilliam: Put it in the Tupperware, burp it, and save it!
William Fitzpatrick: Today’s show is brought to you by Ireland’s #1 remedy for female sexual dysfunction.
Patrick Fitzwilliam: Men have Viagra, finally.. there’s something for women – Jameson’s Irish Whiskey.
William Fitzpatrick: Gets you in the mood every time! Now, let’s start the show by saying..
Together: Happy St. Patrick’s Day to ya, cheers!!
William Fitzpatrick: And a Happy St. Patrick’s Day to you, too.
Patrick Fitzwilliam: I am not talking to ya.
William Fitzpatrick: And why not?
Patrick Fitzwilliam: I’ll tell ya why.As we all know, St. Patrick is known for driving serpents out of Ireland. In honor of that, my genius friend over here decided to release over 55 snakes into the bar!
William Fitzpatrick: In my defense, none of the snakes are poisonous!
[ a burly bar patron runs past the camera, looking straight at the viewers in horror as a snake clutches into his neck, then he runs back off frame ]
William Fitzpatrick: Fair enough. Maybe one or two of them are poisonous.
Patrick Fitzwilliam: Theres a bloody gaboon viper wrapped around the jukebox. [ camera reveals snake sitting on the jukebox ] He keeps playing “Crocodile Rock” – I cant take it any more!
William Fitzpatrick: Well, I’m so sorry that I love the Patron Saint of our great land so much! I thought you might like him, too, considering your mother named you after him!
Patrick Fitzwilliam: Aye, she did. God rest her soul. [ almost cries ] Not here.. not now..
William Fitzpatrick: Pull yourself together..
Patrick Fitzwilliam: Not here – in front of the snakes.. not now..
William Fitpatrick: You’re on TV, pull yourself together.
Patrick Fitzwilliam: Not here.. not now.. I’m done.
William Fitpatrick: You’re better?
Patrick Fitzwilliam: Yes.
William Fitpatrick: Have a shot. [ holds up shot glass ]
Patrick Fitzwilliam: Cheers. [ takes shot glass ]
William Fitzpatrick: Cheers.
[ they drop their shots, as bar patron Brenda Maloney walks up with a huge patch taped over his crotch ]
William Fitzpatrick: Brendan Maloney! What’s happened?! Did the snake getcha?
Brendan Maloney: I wish.. Don’t ever call Alfie over there a leprechaun.
[ cut to Alfie, who growls at Brendan ]
Brendan Maloney: It’s like he sharpens his teeth! [ waks away ]
William Fitzpatrick: Hey, Patrick! Did you know that one of these snakes is actually Irish?
Patrick Fitzwilliam: Yeah, which one?
William Fitzpatrick: That one. [ points ]
[ camera reveals snake with his head in a glass of whiskey, who empties it in seconds flat ]
Together: [ clinking their shot glasses ] Cheers, snake!! [ they chug their shots ]
William Fitzpatrick: Alright, we’re very excited to being out our first guest – my new girlfriend, Rosa.
[ Rosa enters set to Irish music introduction, and kisses William ]
Rosa: Happy St. Patricka Dayyyyyy!
Patrick Fitzwilliam: I can’t believe it! Rosa bloody Gonzalez! How can you dating her? She doesnt have an Irish bone in her body?
Rosa: Ooohhh.. sometimes I do! It’s twice a week – if he hasn’t been drinking too much.
William Fitzpatrick: What can I say – I’m an animal. And, for the record, her name is Rosa O. Gonzalez.
Rosa: The O. stands for “Ortega”.
William Fitzpatrick: You’re not helping.
Patrick Fitzwilliam: I don’t know how you can date a Mexican. They tan in the sun, their food is.. delicious, and they can’t hold their liquor.
Rosa: Cant hold our liquor?! Hey, Im Mexican – I piss lighter fluid! Let’s go, let’s have some Tequila. [ holds bottle up ]
Patrick Fitzwilliam: How dare you drink Tequila on Ireland’s holiest of days!
William Fitzpatrick: She has a sister.
Patrick Fitzwilliam: Welcome to the family, when can I meet her?
William Fitzpatrick: Now’s the time to honor one of Ireland’s oldest traditions – getting angry for no good reason. As always, let’s take it over to our old friend, the Punching Wall.
[ the three of them amble over to the fabled punching wall ]
Patrick Fitzwilliam: I should warn ya, I’m in a great mood right now. There’s literally nothing you can say that would make me punch a hole through the slate wall.
William Fitzpatrick: [ without missing a beat ] England!
[ Patrick punches a huge hole into the wall, as a couple snakes scurry out ]
Patrick Fitzwilliam: Next year, no snakes!
William Fitzpatrick: Agreed.
Rosa: Irish are so violent. We Mexicans don’t have such fiery tempers.
William Fitzpatrick: Oh, really? Uh.. didn’t Mexico get knocked out of the World Cup by the United States?
[ with that, Rosa goes berserk, punching holes into the wall, swining barstools around the bar and creating great chaos ]
Patrick Fitzwilliam: She’s a keeper!
William Fitzpatrick: Yeah, she’s a winner!
Patrick Fitzwilliam: Yeah!
William Fitzpatrick: [ to camera ] Well, that’s about all the time we have!
Patrick Fitzwilliam: Gaboon viper, hit it!
[ camera swings over to the jukebox, where the viper gets another play of “Crocodile Rock” revved up ]
…..Salma Hayek …..Chris Kattan …..Horatio Sanz …..male cast members
Salma Hayek: Thank you! I am so excited to be here! I have to admit, I was a little nervous about doing this show.. but the guys have been so nice to me. They’ve been offering me drinks, offrering me massages – a lot of massages.. Actually..
[ Chris Kattans enters stage suddenly, dressed like an 80’s rocker ]
Chris Kattan: Hey, Salma. How are you?
Salma Hayek: Oh.. hi, Chris.. hi. what’s with the outfit?
Chris Kattan: What? This? Oh. It’s nothing, actually.. it’s, uh.. okay. Well, it’s a little embarrassing. Actually, I’ve had a crush on you for a while now.. and, uh.. I just wanted to.. share my feelings with you.. if that’s okay..
Salma Hayek: Oh.. sure..
[ suddenly, Chris breaks into song – Pat Benetar’s classic “We Belong” ]
Salma Hayek: Very sweet.. but as I told you on Monday, and Tuesday, and Wednesday – actually, I’ve told you every day this week – you’re very nice, but I’m just not interested.
Chris Kattan: Ri- what? Oh! no.. no.. I came up here to congratulate you on your Oscar nomination! And, uh.. you know, in case you’re interested, I do own my own tux-e-do!
Chris Kattan: Oh! Right! Ed Norton! Edward Norton! Very fine actor! Right! Okay. But, you know, think about it.
Salma Hayek: Okay. Great. Go. I’ll think about it.
Chris Kattan: Okay! [ exits stage ]
Salma Hayek: [ to audience ] I will not think about it. Anyway, as I was saying, it’s great to be here in New York. Yesterday, I was in-
[ Chris Kattan jumps back onstage with a full backing 80’s look-a-like band, as they break back into “We Belong” ]
Salma Hayek: [ stopping them ] Chris! What’s going on here?!
Chris Kattan: This? Oh.. this is, uh.. my band.. we’re a Pat Benetar cover band?
Chris Kattan: Yeah! We’re called Shadows Of The Night! [ breaks into cover version of “Shadows Of The Night” ]
Salma Hayek: [ stopping him ] You’re embarrasing yourself, you don’t let me do my monologue.. just get out of here!
Chris Kattan: Okay, you’re right.. you’re absolutely right. God! You’re so right.. I’m sorry. Guys, let’s go..
[ the band disassembles and exits the stage ]
Salma Hayek: You’re always trying to upstage me.. [ looks funny at the one of the band members trying to walk away ] Hey! You.
Edward Norton: [ in British accent ] Oh, uh.. me?
Salma Hayek: Yeah. Come over here. Edward? Is that you?
Edward Norton: What? No! No, I just play the bass, man!
Salma Hayek: What are you doing here?
Edward Norton: Well.. I don’t know.. after I saw how well Keanu Reeves did with his music career.. I decided to quit acting and follow my dreams of rock glory, you know?
Salma Hayek: Quit that accent!
Edward Norton: [ suddenly drops the accent ] Yeah, you’re right.. it’s stupid, I’m sorry.. Well, you know, we didn’t want to mess up your monologue, but we did.. we rehearsed the song for, like, five weeks..
Salma Hayek: Oh, I can’t believe it..
Edward Norton: What? I told you I liked Pat Benetar when we met..
Salma Hayek: No, I cant believe youve been rehearsing for five weeks! You suck!
Edward Norton: Oh.. Well.. uh.. I’ll go home, then, and get dressed for the Oscars.
Salma Hayek: Alright, alright.. get back in here, sing your stupid song..
[ the cover band returns to the stage and breaks back into their version of “We Belong” ]
Salma Hayek: We have a GREAT show!! Christina Aguilera is with us!!
Cop #1…..Jimmy Fallon Cop #2…..Horatio Sanz Black Man…..Tracy Morgan Wife…..Salma Hayek Carl Denham…..Darrell Hammond
Announcer: Welcome back to Channel 5’s Late Night Movie. We rejoin tonight’s feature: the original director’s cut of the 1933 classic, “King Kong”.
[ open on stock footage of King Kong climbing a tall building ]
[ cut to a pair of cops standing on the street below, looking up at the action ]
Cop #1: Holy cat! King Kong is climbing that building!
Cop #2: Look how big he is!
Cop #1: He must be fifty-feet tall!
Cop #2: Yeahh.. but that’s not what I.. what I meant.. I was talkin’ about his, uh.
Cop #1: Oh…
Cop #2: You know..
Cop #1: Wow! He is well-endowed, yeah..
Cop #2: I mean, even for a fifty-foot ape, that thing is gigantic!
Cop #1: Yeah..
Cop #2: Huge!
Cop #1: Yeah..
Cop #2: Enormous!
Cop #1: Easy.
Cop #2: I mean, when you look up, you can’t help but notice it!
[ King Kong roars offscreen ]
Cop #1: Hey, look – King Kong is lookin’ in that woman’s window! Uh-oh! I think he likes what he sees..
Cop #2: Oh.. that’s not a banana in his pocket, either.. He’s happy to see her!
Cop #1: Oh, no.. I feel sorry for the people who live in the apartment below.
[ cut to the apartment below, where Black Man sits in his easychair trying to read his newspaper. He looks up to discover the elongated, furry shaft of King Kong, but can’t determine its true identity. ]
Black Man: What the hell?!
Wife: What’s going on out there, honey?
Black Man: I was just sittin’ there, readin’ my paper, the next thing you know there’s a giant Tootsie roll in our living room!
Wife: That’s not a Tootsie Roll, stupid!
Black Man: Well, how am I supposed to know what is is?!
Wife: [ reaches her arm up and touches the mysterious object ] Mmm.. you should feel this.. [ taps on the sideof it, demonstrating its density ] It’s really hard and warm..
Black Man: Well, maybe that lady upstairs is remodeling her place, and-and-and it’s a giant roll of carpet!
Wife: Well, help me get it out!
Black Man: Now, just relax, someone will come by and get it in a minute!
Wife: Oh, no.. I’m gonna move it!
[ Wife grabs at the bottom of Kong’s shaft with both hands, and attempts to drag them across. The shaft doesn’t move, but Kong can be heard outside writing in ecstasy ]
Wife: [ observing the noises ] What was that?
Black Man: I didn’t hear anything.
Wife: Well.. honey, get over here and help me push this thing out!
[ disgusted, Black Man puts his paper aside, gets up and helps his Wife try to drag the shaft out the window. Even with four hands in action, the shaft barely moves an inch, thogh the noises coming from outside indicate that Kong is pleased about the situation at hand. ]
[ cut back to the two cops observing from the street below ]
Cop #2: Uh-oh! Somebody’s got a big grin on his face!
Cop #1: That’s the happiest monkey I ever seen!
Cop #2: Wonder what’s goin’ on there, Bart?
[ cut back to the apartment ]
Wife: I swear.. the more we pull on this thing, the more it grows!
Black Man: Wait a minute.. wait a minute.. let me look out the window and see if it’s caught on anything! [ looks out the window ]
Wife: Can you see anything?
Black Man: Oh, damn! She must be hoisting up furniture!
Wife: Really?
Black Man: Yeah! There’s two fuzzy beanbag chairs here!
Wife: [ disgusted ] She must be redoing the whole apartment! And look at us, we don’t have anythingnew!
Black Man: Wait a minute.. I’m gonna grab one of the beanbag chairs, while you pull on it. Now, I think we can release it!
Wife: Okay..
[ they pull harder at the shaft, sending Kong to climax ]
Wife: There is that noise again!
Black Man: It’s probably the construction crane! Keep pulling!
Wife: But my arms are gettin’ tired, honey!
Black Man: We’re almost there! Keep goin’!
Wife: Hurry up!
Black Man: Now! It’s startin’ to loosen up! I think we got it!
[ cut back to the cops watching fom the street ]
Cop #1: [ laughing ] God, that monkey’s making the goofiest face I ever seen!
[ sounds of Kong calming down from his excitement ]
Cop #1: Now he looks kinda guilty.. now he’s leavin’.
Cop #2: Aw, that’s cute! Now King Kong’s goin’ over to that billboard, and rippin’ pff that giant cigarette!
Cop #1: Oh, yeah!
Cop #2: Now he’s gonna go relax in the box!
Cop #1: You know what I bet happened? The planes scared him off!
[ expedition leader Carl Denham emerges from the shadows ]
Carl Denham: No, it wasn’t the airplanes, fellas. ‘Twas beauty.. that calmed the beast.
Announcer: Next on ABC cartoons, more highlights from tis week’s “Are You Hot?”
[ cut to the “Are You Hot” set, as Betty Boop stands onstage to be judged ]
Lorenzo Lamas: Okay. I’m loving that garter thing. The sex appeal is outstanding. I have to take some points off for the face – the head’s a little large for the body, you’ve got a real.. Elephant Man thing going there. And you need a ch.n 4.9.
[ cut to Popeye the Sailor standing onstage, mumbling incoherently behind his pipe ]
Lorenzo Lamas: Okay. you got a great face. I think the forearms are a little big, you might want to do fewer wrist curls and start thinking about biceps. I’m only gonna give you a 5 for sex appeal, because of the mumbling. The mumbling’s a little off-putting. Sorry.
Popeye: [ speaking up for himself ] I yam what I yam. And that’s all that I yam!
[ cut to Cinderella now standing onstage ]
Lorenzo Lamas: Oh.. my.. Lord. I’d get up and congratulate you, but I’d spill my coffee. Cinderella.. awesome body! I am cooking a burrito in my pants right now. I am growing an ear of corn down there in the vegetable garden. I’m not turning into a pumpkin, baby – I’m a cucumber! Ah! I just spilled my milkshake.. will someobdy help me out here? Wardrobe? Sorry.
[ cut to Olive Oyl standing on stage, with barely a rag wrapped around the area where she should have breasts ]
Lorenzo Lamas: Okay, seriously – eat a cheeseburger.
[ Strawberry Shortcake now stand onstage ]
Lorenzo Lamas: ..And the bloomers – the Raggedy Ann hair’s a little weird, the smile – I’m sorry, it’s creeping me out, but.. that straberry smell is very sexy. I’m gonna give you a 9 for sex appeal.
[ Droopy now stands onstage ]
Lorenzo Lamas: Droopy, the attitude needs to improve. You need to come up here and owm the stage, bro. Okay? Yuo need the lids tucked, I think, and the jowls, too. Man, you need to Botox the s–t out of those!
[ Marvin the Martian stands onstage ]
Lorenzo Lamas: Dude, you need to get out of the tanning bed. That is way too dark.
Marvin the Martian: You have made me very angry!
Lorenzo Lamas: Wow. Okay, I’m gonna have to give you a 4 for sex appeal, because of that ‘tude. Sorry.
[ Dagwood stands onstage now ]
Lorenzo Lamas: Okay, dude. This morning, how long did you spend in front of the mirror with Paul Mitchell texturizing gel, trying to give yourself that perfect bedhead. Try running into a decent salon, instead of the mailman.
[ Optimus Prime of The Transformers stands onstage ]
Lorenzo Lamas: Okay. The cheekbones are a little much. Your look is kinda cold, a little too angular.. [ Optimus Prime begins to transform into a semi ] What? No.. that’s not helping. Sorry.
[ Yosemite Sam stands onstage now ]
Lorenzo Lamas: Okay, Sam. You came out here with confidence, and that was good. But, right away I’ve gotta take points off ’cause you’re three feet tall. Let me see the ass. [ Yosemite Sam turns around ] Okay, the body’s a 4.. you have a nice chest, but.. more points off for the tiny feet. Now, the face, the moustache, that’s you – I love it. But the eyebrows are a big problem. You need to put down the gun and buy a pair of tweezers.
[ Barney Rubble stands onstage now ]
Lorenzo Lamas: Whoa. Where do we start, bro? Haircut.. nose job.. trunk legs.. what is that, a man-dress? Can we take that off, and get the whole picture, dude? [ Barney disrobes, revealing a huge bulge in his pants ] Whoa. Okay. Alright. Respect. Now, at least I understand why you have a hot wife.
Barney Rubble: [ offended ] Hey!
[ Bam-Bam grabs Lamas by the feet and smacks him back and forth across the floor ]
Announcer: [ over slideshow of scenes from “Chicago” ] Recently, actress Salma Hayek has taken it upon herself to launch a smear campaign against the movie “Chicago”. Her statements have been so outrageous and false, the producers of “Chicago” find it necessary to respond.
First of all: The movie “Chicago” does not support terrorism.
Second: Renee Zelwegger was born a woman, and has always been a woman.
Third: Richard Gere is a practicing Buddhist, not a procticing rapist.
That said, we’d like to extend our-
[ Salma Hayek cuts into the commercial, standing in front of a close-up of Renee Zelwegger’s crotch ]
Salma Hayek: Don’t let her fool you! Loo very closely at her crotch! You can see her cojones right there! She can’t win Best Actress! She’s a dude! Don’t believe the lies! Vote for “Frida”!
Announcer: Most of this paid for by the cast and crew of “Vhicago”. That one part paid for by Salma Hayek, with some crumpled-up cash and a money order.
Air Date:
