Category:

02q: Ray Romano / Zwan

Phone Booth

Walter…..Ray Romano
Voice on Phone…..Darrell Hammond
Fat Guy…..Horatio Sanz
Police Captain…..Tracy Morgan
Back-up Cop…..Dean Edwards

[ Walter walks past a phone booth as it rings; he enters the booth and picks up the receiver ]

Walter: Hello?

Voice on Phone: [ sinister ] Hello.. Walter.

Walter: [ laughing ] He-ey! Who’s this!

Voice on Phone: Love the out-fit. I see you enjoy the un-tucked, button-down shirt look.

Walter: Wha- whoa, whoa.. what is.. what is.. is there a camera on me, huh? Is this one of those hidden camera shows? Huh? I love those shows! Where’s the camera! [ foolishly mugs for the hidden camera he thinks is out there ]

Voice on Phone: Walter.. don’t be a douche-bag.

Walter: Wow! Douchebag! What are we, on FOX? Where is it? Where’s the camera!

Voice on Phone: It’s not a camera.. it’s the scope of a high-powered rifle.. pointed straight at your head.

Walter: [ dumbfounded ] That’s not funny.. That’s not funny.. Have fun with your show. [ starts to hang up the phone ]

Voice on Phone: Don’t.. hang up.. Walter.

Walter: No! I’m hanging up!

Voice on Phone: [ stern ] Hey. Walter. See that fat guy, eating a hot dog over there?

Walter: [ afraid to acknowledge the fat guy ] Yeah?

[ scope of rifle fires a shot, sending the fat guy to the pavement, as passers-by scream and run in panic ]

Walter: [ screaming ] Oh, my God!! You KILLED him!! You KILLED him!! You’re CRAZY!!

Voice on Phone: Relax, Walter.. look at the size of him. He’s probably bleeding gravy..

[ sirens can be heard approaching from the background ]

Walter: That is MEAN!! That’s so MEAN to the FAT GUY!!

[ the police suddenly appear, huddled in a group with guns pointed at Walter ]

Police Captain: Alright, sir! Step out of the phone booth, Sir!

Voice on Phone: Don’t.. step out.. of the phone booth.. Walter..!

Police Captain: Why did you kill the fat guy?!

Walter: I didn’t! I didn’t kill the fat guy!!

Police Captain: Step out of the booth!

Voice on Phone: Walter.. you leave that.. phone booth.. and you.. die.

Walter: I don’t understand! What’s.. what’s going on here?!

Voice on Phone: I.. know.. everything.. about.. you.. Walter.

Walter: Wha? What do you want?!

Voice on Phone: I want you to step out of the booth and tell everyone what you wear to bed. [ Walter resists ] Tell.. them.. or.. I’ll.. kill.. you..

Walter: Alright! [ slowly pokes his head out of the booth ] I wear footsie pajamas to bed!

Voice on Phone: Wal-ter..

Walter: [ disgusted ] SpongeBob footsie pajamas!! My feet get cold!

Police Captain: That’s all right, Buddy! I, myself, sleep buck-naked! But SpongeBob is a hilarious cartoon! Now, come.. out.. of.. the.. booth!

Walter: [ into the phone ] Look.. can I go now?

Voice on Phone: Not.. yet. Walter.. I want you to point to that cop, and tell him that you hate black people.

Walter: WHAT??!! NO!! I CAN’T say that!!

Voice on Phone: I’ll.. kill.. you.

Walter: Arrrrggghh!! That’s right! Dammit!! [ with regret ] I only picked up this phone thinking I had won a contest! This seems like the exact opposite!

Voice on Phone: [ stern ] Say.. “I hate black people.” Say it!

Walter: Okay! Okay! [ pokes his head out of the booth ] I hate.. I hate..

Police Captain: Come on, Buddy! Put the phone down and step out of the booth, Sir!

Voice on Phone: I’m.. going.. to.. shoot.. you..

Walter: O-kay! i’m gonna say it! [ pokes his head out of the booth ] I hate! Blah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ahhhhhhhck! [ waves his arms ] People! [ into the phone ] Okay. I did it! I did it!

Voice on Phone: [ getting ticked off ] Walter! Say it.. with the right.. inflection!

Walter: Wait, that’s just my manner of speaking, you know, I can’t help that..

Voice on Phone: Walter, you’ve got three seconds! Three.. two..

Walter: [ quickly pokes his head out of the booth ] I hate black people!

Police Captain: [ offended ] What’dju say, bitch?!

Walter: The man on the PHONE!!

Voice on Phone: Shut up, Walter!

Walter: What.. what do you want from me?!

Voice on Phone: One..more.. thing.. I want you to hold up your fingers and indicate to the entire world what a small penis you have.

Walter: [ hoping beyond hope ] Is this Phil?

Voice on Phone: Just.. do.. it.

Walter: [ pokes his head out of the booth, holding his fingers up stretched wide ] Hey, everybody, uh.. this.. is the size-

Voice on Phone: Wal-ter..

Walter: [ moves his fingers a little closer together ] This..

Voice on Phone: Don’t.. lie..

Walter: [ moves his fingers a little more closer together ] This..

Voice on Phone: Wal-terrrrrrr..

Walter: Well, come on!

Voice on Phone: Would you rather take it out and show it to them?

Walter: [ holds his fingers practically right on top of one another ] This is the SIZE of my PENIS!!

Police Captain: That’s why he hate us.

Back-up Cop: It’s just sad.

Walter: The width!! I mean, the width!!

Voice on Phone: No-body believes you, Wal-ter.. Now, step out.. of.. the.. booth..

Walter: What? Why did you do this? Why did you do this to me?

Voice on Phone: I was just having a little fun with you. You can go.

Walter: [ relieved ] Alright, then.. I’m gonna hang up, now.

Voice on Phone: Yes, Wal-ter.. you’ve just.. saved.. your life.. for now.

Walter: Goodbye. [ hangs up the phone and steps out of the booth ] I don’t hate black people..

Police Captain: I know. Come on. Nice and easy.

Walter: And then, you know, thing with my penis..

Police Captain: Yeah, yeah, we’ll talk about that later.

[ suddenly, the phone rings again; on instinct, Walter picks it right back up again ]

Walter: Hello?

Voice on Phone: What is wrong with you, Walter?!

Walter: [ feeling stupid and angry all at once ] Dammit!! I thought THIS time it HAD to be a CONTEST!!

Voice on Phone: Okay, we’re going to start.. with pulling down your pants..

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
April 12th, 2003

Ray Romano

Zwan

None

A Message From Saddam Hussein

In pre-recorded message, Hussein (Horatio Sanz) insists he’s broadcasting live.

Recurring Characters: Saddam Hussein.

Ray Romano’s Monologue

Romano performs stand-up about adult movies, his twins, and childhood fantasies.

What’s The Rush

Virgins (Seth Meyers, Amy Poehler) interview bonin’ expert (Romano).

Wake Up Wakefield

Sheldon’s (Rachel Dratch) dad (Romano) visits for Career Day.

Recurring Characters: Megan, Sheldon, Mr. Banglion.

Zwan performs “Lyric”

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

NCAA pool winner Seth Meyers rubs his dollars in Jimmy and Tina’s faces.

Minister of Information (Darrell Hammond) lies.

Rialto Grande

Buddy Mills (Chris Kattan) performs with lackluster comedian (Romano).

Recurring Characters: Buddy Mills.

CNN Newsbreak

Aaron Brown (Darrell Hammond) discusses previous sketch, waits for next one.

Phone Booth

Walter (Romano) is tortured mentally by phone booth sniper.

Access Hollywood

New co-anchor Chet Harper (Romano) annoys Nancy (Amy Poehler).

Recurring Characters: Pat O’Brien, Chet Harper.

Zwan performs “Settle Down”

Club Traxx

Sleazy Iraqi singer (Romano) is new pop sensation.

Recurring Characters: Beertje Van Beers, Leonard.

Uday Hussein For President

Saddam’s idiot son Uday Hussein (Fred Armisen) holds American qualities.

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 16

02p: Bernie Mac / Good Charlotte

Don Banks Kings of “Comedy” Suits

Don Banks…Bernie Mac
Rushion Brown….Dean Edwards
Wigger….Will Forte

[Opens with Don Bank’s clothing store. Don is a big black man wearing a colorful suit and hat.]

Don Banks: Hey, how you doing? I’m Don Banks. Are you a black comic in search of a perfect suit? Then come see Don Banks The King of “Comedy” Suits. Are you looking for a double-breasted pinstripe sleeveless size 54? [photo of Cedric the Entertainer wearing it] Cause I got one. How about a classic Eddie Murphy leather 20-zipper ensemble? I got it in “Delirious” red[photo of Murphy’s red 20 zipper jacket] and I got it in “Raw” purple.[photo of Murphy wearing the ridiculous jacket]. I got Simbad’s genie pants.[holds up the pants] I got ’em 3 for $20. I got Martin Lawrence’s undershorts. [photo of Martin Lawrence running in his undies down the street] For when you go crazy. I got Bill Cosby imitation sweaters. They usually cost up to $500 but if you like polyester I can get it for you for $28. Let me tell you something, are you the next King of Comedy? Well, dress like one dammit! I got something from the Steve Harvey collection. We got Steve Harvey mustard colored suits. [photos of Steve Harvey’s nauseating yellow suits] Fresh yellow mustard, Dijon mustard, Honey mustard, Grey poupon mustard. Don Banks offers the largest collection of eggplant and mustard color this side of St.Louis. So if you want your suits, if you got em in buttons. I got 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 buttons. I got the suit jackets that come all the way down to your knees. So let the people know, I got TV money. I can afford enough fabric for a long-ass coat. Don’t take my word. This is one of the biggest names in the business!

[Black guy in wild red suit] [Rushion Brown. Talent Booker for BET’s “Comic View”]

Rushion Brown: Oh, man! Before I let comics on my show I send them to Don Banks! He dresses all the comedy kings! Ricky Smiley [photo of Ricky in loud get up] Bruce Bruce [Bruce in complicated suit] Don D.C. Curry [Don in leather suit] Shucky Ducky![photo of Shucky horrendous suit]

Rushion and Don: Quack! Quack!

Rushion Brown: Kat ‘N Da’ Hat[Kat in ridiculous suit and hat] Kool Bubba Ice![photo of Kool in stupid ass suit] Don Banks is the most trusted name in afro-comedic apparel. We love you Don! [shakes hands with Don]

Don Banks: Tell you right, baby. Don Banks King of the “Comedy” Suits. If you want to be a black stand-up or just dress like one.

[white guy in sleeveless jacket and white Kangol]

Wigger: I just want to dress like one. Thanks Don Banks!

Don Banks: Be down or be dead.

Announcer: Don Banks Kings of “Comedy” Suits. 1321 Walnut Street, Philadelphia. The first King of Comedy is property of Broadway Video and used without permission.

[cheers and applause]

[fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

02p: Bernie Mac / Good Charlotte

The Four Stooges

Woody Harrelson…..Jimmy Fallon
Museum Curator…..Darrell Hammond
Moe…..Chris Parnell
Larry…..Chris Kattan
Curly…..Jeff Richards
Rib-Eye…..Bernie Mac

Announcer: We now return to The Three Stooges’ 75th anniversary, on NBC.

[ dissolve to Woody Harrelson in studio ]

Woody Harrelson: Hi. I’m Woody Harrelson. And that can only mean one thing – you guessed it.. a prime-time Three Stooges tribute. If you’re like me, you love The Three Stooges – mostly because you’re stoned all the time. Moe, Larry & Curly are The Three Stooges we know best; but, over the years, the Stooges went through a lot of line-up changes, with Shemp being only the first among many replacements for Curly. One of the most interesting, and little-known, chapters in the Stooges’ existence came during a brief period when the Three Stooges becoem a foursome, with the addition of a gifted physical comedian, dance hall piano player, and former cathouse bouncer named.. Rib-Eye Wilkins. This new line-up made its debut on the Columbia Studios two-reeler “Now Museum, Now You Don’t”.

[ Three Stooges music pots up, as we dissolve to the title card ]

[ dissolve to black-and-white reel of the film short, set in a museum, as the Museum Curator looks about the area ]

Museum Curator: Ohhh.. pip and tosh! Where are those four dinosaur bone cleaners I requested? They were supposed to be here over an hour ago!

[ suddenly, the Four Stooges poke their heads out from behind a wall – Rib-Eye on top, then Curly, Moe and Larry in downward succession; the camera pans upward on them ]

Larry: Hellooooo!

Moe: Hellooooo!

Curly: Hellooooo!

Rib-Eye: Hello.

[ the Stooges fumble about trying to stand together in a line ]

Museum Curator: Gentlemen! Don’t you realize how late you are!

Moe: Hey, just take it easy there! Don’t get your Bunson burner in a bunch, spinach chin!

Museum Curator: Spinach chin..?? Why, I..

Moe: Listen! you just sohw us these bones of yours, and we’ll get ’em cleaned up in a jiffy!

Museum Curator: Well.. you had better! And please remember these bones are very valuable, and very fragile! So, please.. don’t let anything Stoogish occurrrr.

Moe & Larry: Hmmm…

Curly: Soitenly!

Rib-Eye: Alright.. I guess that we.. need to spread out, then.

Moe: Alright! You heard that professor, fellas! We need to get to work on this thing, you bunch of ignoramuses!

Curly: Who you callin’ an ignoramus, you ignoramus?

Moe: Why, I oughtta..

[ Moe begins to hit Curly with wild sound effects, Curly hits back, and eventually Moe smacks one to Larry just the same ]

Larry: Hey, what’dja hit me for? I didn’t do anything!

Moe: No! But you was about to!

Rib-Eye: [ breaking up the fight ] Hey, hey, hey, oh.. come on now, chowderhead.. we got a job to do. Let’s cut all the monkey business and get to work, chop-chop.

Moe: Chop-chop, eh? I’ll chop you, you wise guy! [ slaps Rib-Eye across the face, laughs ]

Rib-Eye: Aw, hell no! I know you just didn’t do that, man, I know you just didn’t do that!

Moe: But, I, uh..

Rib-Eye: Huh?

Moe: I mean..

Rib-Eye: Huh? Huh? What did you say to me? Huh? What did you say to me.. soup-bowl haircut?

Moe: Uh.. y-y-y-y-you heard me, you nincompoop! [ meekly ] Come on, man, this is a.. a bit. It’s supposed to be funny..

Rib-Eye: Ohhh, it’s funny now? Slappin’ a black man around on film, it’s funny, huh?

Moe: Oh, no! I..

Rib-Eye: I’ll show you funny! [ begins to beat the hell out of Moe ] Huh?! You think I’m funny?! Huh! Huh!

Larry: Hey, Rib-Eye.. it’s just a slap!

Rib-Eye: [ stops pounding on Moe ] Just a slap, right? I’m sick of Moe! I’m sick of you, too! [ claps Larry ] That’s just a slap? You slap women! You don’t slap women?!

Curly: Oh, God! Take it easy! You’re kickin’ his brains all over your foot, you crazy bastard! [ stops himself short ]

Rib-Eye: What’d you say to me?!

Curly: Oh, God! Whoo-whoo!

[ dissolve to end title card, over closing theme music ]

[ dissolve back to Woody Harrelson, who opens his mouth allowing pot smoke to escape. He coughs ]

Woody Harrelson: After this.. one film, the four performers went their separate ways. Rib-Eye, back to the dance halls and juke joints he loved so well; and The Three Stooges, to 18 months of.. painful physical and speech therapy. Stick around. When we come back, we’ll lookat even more unpopular Three Stooges pornos. I’m gonna have to roll another one for that..

[ fade out, with Three Stooges theme music ]

SNL Transcripts

02p: Bernie Mac / Good Charlotte

No Smoking

Bartender…..Seth Meyers
Red…..Bernie Mac
Hedda…..Amy Poehler
Jerry…..Jimmy Fallon

[ open on interior, barroom, as Red sits glumly at the bar ]

Bartender: Can I get you another one, Red?

Red: Yeah.. give me another one. Bacardi Rum. And, tell me again – I don’t think I hear you good? I can’t smoke here?

Bartender: You can’t smoke in any bar in New York City!

Red: None at all?

Bartender: Mayor’s new policy.

Red: Ohhh, this is horrible! This is horrible! It’s just plain horrible!

Bartender: Hey, I agree, Red – I think it sucks! It’s bad for business!

Red: It’s bad for business?! It’s bad for freedom! This is America! I pay my taxes! I walk my dog! I pick up my poop! I’m a grown man! Damn, I’m upset! I need a cigarette! [ lights up a cigarette ]

Bartender: Hey, hey, Red! [ takes the cigarette from Red’s mouth, and puts it out ] Sorry, Red! No!

Red: How you feel about it, Hedda.. how you feel about it?

Hedda: I’ve been smoking for twenty years..

Red: You never hurt nobody!

Hedda: You know what I say? Mayor Mike is not the boss of me. He’s nuts! [ lights a cigarette ]

Bartender: Hey! [ promptly pulls the cigarette away from Hedda, and puts it out ]

Hedda: Oh, come on, gorgeous.

Red: Heyyyy, I’m a grown man! I vote! I cross the street at the light! I say please and thank you! I’m not killin’ nobody! I’m killin’ myself! And it’s my right! I need a cigarette!

Bartender: No! [ a pause ] Listen, I think they’re just trying to cut down on second-hand smoke.

Hedda: You know what? That’s crazy!

Red: It is crazy!

Hedda: It’s cuckoo!

Red: Cuckoo!

Hedda: Up yours, Mayor Mike! He don’t like second-hand smoke, ’cause he’s a second-hand Mayor! [ lights a cigarette ]

Bartender: Alright.. alright.. alright.. [ promptly pulls the cigarette away from Hedda, and puts it out ]

Hedda: Hey! Hey! You’re killing me, gorgeous!

Red: Let me tell you something – back in the day, we coulda smoked in a nursery school!

Hedda: That’s right!

Red: My momma would pack a pack of Lucky Strikes in my lunchbox!

Hedda: That right?

Red: We would smoke in the hospital!

Hedda: Amen.. amen to that..

Red: Dammit! We could smoke in swimming pools!

Hedda: Of course..

Red: Back in the days, smoking was good for you!

Hedda: Good for you..

Red: It makes you run faster!

Hedda: Run faster..

Red: It makes you smarter! It makes you a better lover!

Hedda: That’s right..

Red: I need a cigarette! [ puts a cigarette in his mouth ]

Hedda: [ takes the cigarette from Red’s mouth, puts it in her own mouth ] Let me tell you something – smokers do make your better lovers, or, as I like to say, puffers are good stuffers.

Red: [ laughs, choking ]

Bartender: [ takes the cigarette away from both of them ] Look, guys, if you wanna smoke, why don’t you just go outside?

Hedda: Nooooooo!

Red: I’m not going outside! I’m not going out there like no dog, or a Vietnamese!

Hedda: No, I’m not gonna smoke outside, no way! You know why I don’t go outside?

Red: Why?

Hedda: There’s too much air!

Red: Yeah!

Hedda: [ choking, coughs up a whole cigarette ] Oh.. jackpot!

Red: Yeah, yeah!

[ Jerry enters ]

Jerry: Hey Red.. hey, Hedda..

Red: Hey!

Hedda: Hey..! [ kisses Jerry on the cheek ]

Bartender: [ as Jerry lights a cigarette ] Hey, sorry there, Jerry – no smoking.

Jerry: But it’s after midnight.

Bartender: Sorry.

Jerry: These are lights.

Bartender: Sorry.

Jerry: Uh.. I have a doctor’s note.

Bartender: Can’t do it.

Jerry: But I’m a regular!

Bartender: Nope!

Jerry: I’ll light the other end.

Bartender: Can’t!

Jerry: I won’t exhale.

Bartender: Sorry, Jerry.

Jerry: [ holds up his hands awkwardly ] Dammit! If I’m not smoking, I don’t know what to do with my hands..

Red: Hmm.. let me tell you something – I want to revolt! I want to vote all over again! I’m gonna storm City Hall! I’m gonna e-mail the President! I walk my dog! I need a cigarette!

Jerry: [ still confused about the status of his hands ] Should I put ’em on my waist..? Or should I put ’em in my pockets, or something..? Does this look weird?

Red: Besides! There is no medical evidence.. that proves smoking is bad for you!

Hedda: There’s no medical evidence..

Red: The only people that say that smokin’ is bad for you are scientists!

Hedda: Right.

Red: And doctors and tobacco companies! Who can you trust?!

Hedda: Nobody.

Jerry: [ still very confused about his hands’ current function ] Sh-should I clap? [ claps ] I mean.. wh-wh-what if I put ’em on my leg..? Should I put ’em in my mouth, maybe, uh..

Hedda: Hey! I’ll tell you something.

Red: Tell ’em!

Hedda: A woman my age.. has earned the right.. to enjoy life’s little pleasures.

Jerry: How old are ya, Hedda?

Hedda: 25; 26.. in May, God willing.

Red: Let the lady smoke!

Bartender: Not in here!

Jerry: I figured out what to do with my hands – I’ll see you later. [ exits bar ]

Red: Well, you’d betty hurry, before they make that illegal!

Hedda: That’s right..

Bartender: Look, guys, I don’t want to get fired!

Red: Let me tell you something – how much does the government hate us? What is the number? What is it costing us!

Bartender: It’s a $200 fine.

Red: Hey! Here you go! [ throws some money on the counter ] Right there! That’s eight dollars and twenty-five cents!

Hedda: Eight dollars and twenty-five cents..

Red: Whattaya say? Whattaya say?

Bartender: No! I can’t do it!

Hedda: Hey.. I’ll let you look under my dress.

Bartender: [ thinks it over, then finally ] Okay. Just let me lock the door.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

02p: Bernie Mac / Good Charlotte

The Pianist

Black Guy #1…..Tracy Morgan
Black Guy #2…..Bernie Mac
Shusher…..Rachel Dratch
Male Moviegoer #1…..Chris Parnell
Male Moviegoer #2…..Seth Meyers
Female Moviegoer…..Amy Poehler
Male Moviegoer #3…..Fred Armisen

[ open on theater marquee, with titles:
“The Pianist”
“A Man Apart”
“Head Of State”
“Phone Booth”
“Boat Trip”
“Old School” ]

[ dissolve to interior, dark theater during showing of “The Piano”. Pair of black men begin to talk throughout the movie, disturbing the white people around them. ]

Black Guy #1: I don’t wanna watch this, man! I wanna see that Vin Diesel movie, man!

Black Guy #2: Well, if you’d been here on time, I could have got the tickets.

Black Guy #1: I thought you were gonna get ’em from Movie Phone?

Black Guy #2: Yeah, but they don’t take J.C. Penney cards.

Shusher: Ssssshhhh!!!

Black Guy #1: What the hell is this movie, anyway?!

Black Guy #2: It’s “The Pianist”.

Black Guy #1: What’s it about?

Black Guy #2: [ unsure ] I don’t know.. I guess a pianist.

Black Guy #1: So, who the guy with the big nose?

Black Guy #2: He’s the pianist.

Black Guy #1: So, he play the piano?

[ angered, a white male moviegoer sitting in front turns around them interrupts ]

Male Moviegoer #1: Yes! He’s the pianist!

[ the two black guys turn to look at the moviegoer, annoyed by the intrusion of their private conversation ]

Black Guy #2: Do you have a problem, man? Something wrong with you?

Male Moviegoer #1: No! I’m just.. trying to watch the movie..

Black Guy #2: [ pointing in front, toward the movie screen ] Well, the movie over there, the movie not back here! You better turn around! [ to his friend ] Did he touch you?

Black Guy #1: No.

[ dissolve to exterior, marquee, with SUPER: “30 Minutes Later” ]

[ dissolve back to interior, dark theater ]

Black Guy #1: [ yelling at the screen ] Don’t go in there, Sbil Man!!

Black Guy #2: You gotta watch your BACK, Sbil Man!! [ perplexed that the character on the screen didn’t heed his warning ] Oh, come on, Sbil Man, they want to getchoo, man!

[ Male and Female Moviegoers in upper row turn lean in to interrupt ]

Male Moviegoer #2: Hey, could you guys please be quiet?

Female Moviegoer: Yeah, you’re ruining it for everybody..

Black Guy #2: No, the Nazis ruined it for everybody!

Male Moviegoer #1: I don’t believe this.. I don’t believe it..

Black Guy #2: [ to his friend ] Did he touch you?

Black Guy #1: No.

[ they return their eyes to the screen, now more perplexed ]

Black Guy #2: Ohhhh, hell no..!

Black Guy #1: You Nazis are PISSING ME OFF, man!! [ throws his popcorn at the screen ]

Male Moviegoer #3: Guys? Look.. I don’t want to keep you from enjoying this movie, but, uh.. I’m here with my grandfather. Okay? And he actually lived in the Warsaw ghetto, so..

Black Guy #2: Ohhhh, man? For real?

Male Moviegoer #3: Yeah.

Black Guy #2: [ over to the elderly grandfather ] You from Warsaw ghetto? We from the ghetto, too, man! Right on, baby! [ makes a Black Power fist gesture at the elderly grandfather, who makes a serious Black Power fist right back ]

[ dissolve to exterior, marquee, with SUPER: “30 Minutes Later” ]

[ dissolve back to interior, dark theater ]

Black Guy #1: I learned a LOT about myself through your story, Sbil Man!!

Black Guy #2: [ chuckling ] Oh, yeah! You know, Jews and blacks, they ain’t that different, after all. You know that?

Male Moviegoer #1: [ raises his arms in surrender ] You know? I give up! They make good points, but it’s ruining my experience!

Female Moviegoer: Yeah. Mine, too!

Shusher: I want my money back..

Black Guy #1: Sssshhhh! I can’t hear Sbil Man!

Male Moviegoer #2: Hey, if anyone is interested, there’s a showing of that Vin Diesel movie in ten minutes!

[ everyone else exits the theater ]

Black Guy #2: [ to his friend ] Did he touch you?

Black Guy #1: No!

[ dissolve to exterior, marquee, with SUPER: “45 Minutes Later” ]

[ dissolve back to interior, dark theater ]

Black Guy #1: That was a great movie, man!

Black Guy #2: I’m speechless.

Black Guy #1: [ they methodically begin to clap in unison ]

Black Guy #2: Sbil Man!

Black Guy #1: You go, Sbil Man!

Black Guy #2: Don’t worry, Sbil Man! The Nazis can’t take your Oscar away, baby!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

02p: Bernie Mac / Good Charlotte

Bernie Mac’s Monologue

…..Bernie Mac

Bernie Mac: Hello! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hey hey, welcome, everybody! And I hope everybody here to have a good time, because I am here to have a blast! You know? Bewcause the whole country’s tense! It’s a tense time. Everybody in the country’s on high alert. They nervous and edgy, you know? They say look out for suspicious behavior. I need to know what the hell is suspicious behavior! You know? I keep on eye on every damn body! Iraq’s army playin’ like they the U.S. Army, givin’ up and killin’ us and holdin’ us hostage and all that kinda stuff!

So I’m watchin’ everybody! I was on an elevator with an old white lady. Just her and I! She watchin’ me, I’m watchin’ her! Then she asked me a stupid-ass question: “Whatchoo lookin’ at?” I said, “What the hell you think I’m lookin’ at?! I’m lookin’ you! You could be.. Saddam’s grandma, I don’t know..”

It’s scary times, I’m tellin’ you! The country got everybody doing stupid things. They told you to buy gas masks.. duct tape.. gloves.. plastic.. The whole doggone country look like a episode of “Trading Spaces”. And you better use your own doggone minds, see? Grown folks stupid, too. You know, you listen to hizzit about “Get some duct tape!” Now, you go get some damn duct tape, if you want to.. and tape your whole house up.. and then wonder why you can’t breathe. You smotherin’ your ass to death!

Right now, you don’t know nobody! It ain’t like it was back in the day! See, like, people know me now – but I don’t know them. This is a beautiful thing, and I’m a good person – I’m a people person. When you come up to me – back up in the day – I’ll shake your hand and talk to you. I’m not doing that today! You can call, be hollarin’ my name, pullin’ on me – “Hey, Bernie!” Slappin’ me, all that stuff. I shot three people last week! I told ’em I was sorry, but I don’t know you. It could be one of those suicide bombers – you ain’t gonna take me with you! You gonna take yourself – I’m takin’ you out!

You gotta protect yourself! Ladies and gentlemen, I’m on ten planes a week. Okay? That’s kinda heavy. You can’t carry no guns.. you can’t carry no knife. But they didn’t say nothing about carrying no hammer! So, if you see me on a plane.. [ singing ] “I got a hammer..” I got a hammer! So I’m gonna tell you how you playin’ when you see me. “Oh, that’s Bernie Mac!” I’m gonna tell you how you ride the plane when you see me. You see me? I want you to sit up.. eat your food.. watch your movie.. take a nap.. leave your shoes alone! I don’t know you, I don’t know what you doin’ down there. But I swear – if you bend down, you ain’t gonna bend back up until you land!

We got a great show for y’all this evening! We got Good Charlotte.. I’m the Mac-Man.. thank you for “Saturday Night Live”!

SNL Transcripts

02p: Bernie Mac / Good Charlotte

Hot Sauce Carry Purse

Husband…..Will Forte
Wife…..Amy Poehler
Debbie…..Maya Rudolph
Reggie…..Bernie Mac

[ open on group of couples together for a barbecue, party music pumpin’ the joint ]

Husband: [ enters living room from the outdoor grill ] Honey? They’re ready!

Wife: Alright! Who wants a burger?

Debbie: Mmm! I do!

Reggie: Oh, me too..

Debbie: You have no idea how much Reggie loves his burgers!

Reggie: You just set me up, and clear the way! Where your hot sauce?

Wife: Oh.. hot sauce? Gosh, I don’t know.. I think we have some salsa in the refridgerator..

[ music comes to an abrupt halt ]

Reggie: You ain’t got no hot sauce?! Debbie, baby, you hear that?! They ain’t got no hot sauce! I told you we should have called before we come here! Come on – dammit!!

Debbie: But, baby..

Reggie: Come on, let’s go!

Debbie: But, baby..

Reggie: Come on, woman, get in the car, we got to go!

Debbie: Don’t worry, baby.. I got it all under control. With my new hot sauce carry purse – by Tabasco. [ opens her purse to reveal the various hot sauce accessories neatly organized ] Each compartment is insulted and calibrated to keep your sauces organized and fresh. It ently carries them from wherever you are, to wherever you need to go.

Reggie: That’s right, baby. Like pool parties, the office, movie theaters, funerals and shopping, and any party thrown by white people!

Wife: I’m so glad you guys brought your thingamajig!

Debbie: You mean my hot sauce carry purse?

Reggie: By Tabasco.

Wife: Yeah.. that.

Reggie: And for you dudes who don’t want to be caught dead carrying a purse, there’s a hot sauce carrying purse for men. Oh, it’s still a purse – but it’s for dudes. And it has hot sauce in it, so, baby, be cool.

Jingle:
Heat up your love
Heat up your life.
Heat up your burgers and fries
Hot sauce carrying purse!”

Debbie: Hot sauce carry purse. By Tabasco. Available at Wilson’s Leather.

SNL Transcripts

02p: Bernie Mac / Good Charlotte

Goodnights

…..Bernie Mac

Bernie Mac: Thanks to Good Charlotte. Thank you Saturday Night Live, and all of you and the troops, for making it possible. Rhonda! Tanice! I love you!

SNL Transcripts

02p: Bernie Mac / Good Charlotte

A Message From The President Of The United States

President George W. Bush…..Chris Parnell

Announcer: The following is a message from the President of the United States.

President George W. Bush: Good evening, my fellow Americans. Tonight I would like to address you directly, to report our progress in the campaign to free the people of Iraq. At the beginning of this conflict, when we faced stiff resistance from the Iraqi army, some in the press said that we had underestimated our enemy. But the truth is, our chief concern was to minimize the loss of innocent life. I wish there were a button I could push.. that would only destroy the bad people. But General Tommy Franks has repeatedly told me no such button exists. And you know what? I believe him.

Nonetheless, As you have heard by now, we have taken Baghdad’s main airport and the surrounding area, which means coalition forces now control all of Iraq’s duty-free shops and car rental services. In addition, we have captured no fewer than five Saddam Hussein lookalikes.. as well as two divisions of the Republican Guard – also lookalikes.

It must be acknowledged, mistakes were made during our Shock And Awe campaign – the main one being, calling it the Shock and Awe campaign. I objected to that title, but I was outvoted. I wanted to call it Tango & Cash. But there was legal problems.

Finally, whenever there is war, there will be those who perpetrate acts of unspeakable evil. In this conflict, it’s Geraldo Rivera. Now, I always felt that people picked on him unfairly, but.. truthfully, he is a bonehead! Going on TV and giving away our troops’ positions? Good going, Einstein!

Well, there you have it. To sum up our situation in Iraq: so far, so good. In closing, I hope this address has put your mind at ease, as to our progress in liberating the people of Iraq. I wish there were more information I could give you, but, in the interest of national security, that’s all they’ve told me. As I leave you, I ask that you remember in your prayers the men and women of our armed forces and their families. God bless America. And “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night.”

SNL Transcripts