Category:

Plagierism


02r: Ashton Kutcher / 50 Cent

Plagierism

Teacher…..Chris Parnell
Danny…..Ashton Kutcher
Karen…..Rachel Dratch
Kirstie…..Amy Poehler
Peter…..Seth Meyers


Teacher: Well, I hope everyone had a good weekend. I know you had a big term paper due last Friday, so hopefully you rewarded yourselves with a little.. rest and relaxation. Unofrtunately, I’m, uh.. I’m afraid some of you may have relaxed too much.. and didn’t actually write your own papers. In fact, I think a certain few of you took almost everything right off the internet.

Danny: Damn!

Teacher: Something to say, Danny?

[ a beat ] No.

Teacher: Alright. Karen, let’s start with you. Uh.. you wrote your paper on “War & Peace”.

Karen: So? Is there a law against that?

Teacher: No, there’s not, Karen. But.. this is the exact same paper, word for word, that you can buy for $15 on termpaper.com. It even has the same title and footnotes.

Karen: [ weakly ] Maybe they copied my paper.

Teacher: I don’t think they did.

Karen: They might have.

Teacher: They didn’t.

Danny: [ leaning forward ] Bus-teddddd!!

Teacher: Kirstie.

Kirstie: Yeah?

Teacher: A very nicely written paper on “A Tale Of Two Cities”.

Kirstie: Thank you.

Teacher: Uh.. but I think you may have taken it from a website called dickensscholar.com. Do you know why I think that?

Kirstie: Because you like to be wrong?

Teacher: No. But an interesting guess. I think that, because the upper lefthand corner of each page says “dickensscholar.com.”

Kirstie: God! I knew my plan was too perfect.

Teacher: Your plan wasn’t too perfect, Kirstie. It was wildly imperfect. You also have an F.

Danny: [ defensive ] Hey, man! I know where you’re going next. And I didn’t get my paper off the internet!

Teacher: Oh?

Danny: All those words are mine!

Teacher: Well, technically, Danny, you’re somewhat right. Um.. your paper on “The Great Gatsby” begins with what seems to be an e-mail that you wrote to your older brother. [ holds paper up ] It reads: “Hey, bro! You remember Mr. Butthole’s class? I have my final paper due, and I was wondering if you have an old copy of yours anywhere. If you do, I’d like to put my name on the top of it and turn it in as my own. How’s college? Talk to you later, skater. Danny.”

Danny: [ offended by the accusation, but with nothing better to say in his defense ] You shouldn’t read other people’s e-mails, dude..

Teacher: [ sighs ] You shouldn’t submit them to teachers. You also get an F.

Danny: [ flustered with himself ] Aw, damn! Where did I go wrong?!

Teacher: [ mocks thinking about it ] Hmm.. I think it’s pretty clear where you went wrong, uh.. but for future reference, you might want to copy the content of the paper into a Word document, rather than printing it straight off the Hotmail web page. [ turns the page around to reveal color photo of his Hotmail e-mail page ] That makes it pretty clear that it was an e-mail.

Kirstie: You.. you are good, dude..

Teacher: [ modestly ] Not really. [ Peter enters the class tardy ] Oh, Peter! I, uh.. don’t really know what to say to you..

Peter: Then, uh.. don’t say anything, man..

Teacher: Well, uh.. I’m afraid I can’t do that. You were supposed to write a paper on the book “1984”.

Peter: That’s what I did.

Teacher: Mmm.. no, you didn’t.

Peter: Yeah, man.. I did.

Teacher: You most certainly didn’t.

Peter: Then, uh.. what’s that in your hand?

Teacher: [ holds up multiple pages of supposed report ] It’s a seven-page paper that seems to have been printed directly off ESPN.com. Um.. the book “1984” is never even mentioned. There.. ah, there are also some pictures of Mike Piazzo, which I doubt you took.

Peter: Yeah, well.. I did take them.

Teacher: [ impressed ] Oh. Well, then, your name must be Phil Steins, and you must work for the Associated Press. ‘Cause that’s who the photos are credited to.

Peter: [ meekly ] That’s right.

Teacher: So.. your name is both Peter Reed and Phil Steins?

Peter: Yep.

Kirstie: Nice! [ high-fives Peter ]

Teacher: And what’s with the AP?

Peter: That’s the deal, man!

Teacher: Ohh.. How about if I call the AP and ask if you work there?

Peter: [ confidently ] Suit yourself.

Kirstie: Ha! Nice!

Teacher: [ picks up phone from his desk ] Oh, hey – what’s your work number, Phil Steins?

Peter: [ quickly ] 5-5-5-0-1-7-9.

[ Teacher dials the number, as Kirstie’s cell phone can be heard ringing in the back of the classroom. Kirstie and Danny work out what they think is a clever way to pass it over to Peter unnoticed by the teacher ]

Teacher: What can I do for you, Mr. Steins?

Peter: [ anxious ] Can I go to the bathroom?

Teacher: No, you can’t.

Peter: [ fakes a cough, then quickly answers his cellphone unnoticed while raising the pitch of his voice ] Associated Press.

Teacher: Hello. I was hoping you could help me out.

Peter: I’ll try..

Teacher: Um.. do you have a photographer named Phil Steins, who is also a high school student who calls himself Peter Reed?

Peter: Mmm.. yes indeed.

Teacher: Well, thank you. You’ve been very helpful. Um.. there’s a certain young man I owe an apology to.

Peter: [ pushing it ] Well, you better go do that!

Teacher: Oh, one last thing: What is the Associated Press?

Peter: [ stuck ] ..The Association.. of magazines and newspapers.. or, maybe.. a kind of machine.. like, perhaps, a camera.

Teacher: Hmm.. Okay, thanks. That’s what I thought.

Peter: Goodbye. [ hangs up ]

[ Kirstie and Danny high-five peter, proud that you pulled off his stunt against the teacher ]

Peter: Hey, uh.. so what’s my grade?

Teacher: You’re also getting an F for cheating.

Danny, Kirstie, Peter: [ bewildered ] What..? How did you do that..? Are you psychic..?!

Teacher: [ sighs ] One last tip, okay? Don’t high-five each other every time you think you pulled one over on me. It doesn’t help your cause.

Danny: [ flustered ] DAMN!!

Teacher: Also, anyone who copied a User Review off of Amazon will be getting an F.

[ the class groans ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

The U.S.S. Lincoln


02r: Ashton Kutcher / 50 Cent

The U.S.S. Lincoln

President George W. Bush…..Chris Parnell


[ open on exterior footage of the U.S.S. Lincoln ]

[ show stock footage of applauding military personnel aboard the Lincoln ]

[ President George W. Bush steps up to the podium to address the crew ]

President George W. Bush: Good evening. Tonight.. I wish to address, not only the crew of the U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln, but all the men and women of our nation’s military. On behalf of the American people.. our allies.. and the newly-liberated citizens of Iraq.. I offer you our thanks, and our congratulations. The battle of Iraq is over. You have won it.

[ show stock footage of applauding military personnel aboard the Lincoln ]

President George W. Bush: Throughout this campaign.. you have performed with courage.. brilliance.. and compassion. You have made our world a safer place, and freed an entire nation. And now.. you are going home.

[ show stock footage of applauding military personnel aboard the Lincoln ]

President George W. Bush: Your nation will never forget the sacrifices you have made. You have endured not only great danger, but separation from family and loved ones. But that separation is nearly over, and now.. you are ging home.

[ show stock footage of applauding military personnel aboard the Lincoln ]

President George W. Bush: During your nearly ten months at sea.. you have done everything that was asked of you, without hesitation or complaint. Now, you are returning home for a well-deserved rest.

[ show stock footage of applauding military personnel aboard the Lincoln ]

President George W. Bush: And no one has ever deserved it more.

[ show stock footage of applauding military personnel aboard the Lincoln ]

President George W. Bush: And yet.. I know that, if your country asked today, you would not hesitate to turn this ship around, and head straight back to the Persian Gulf.

[ sounds of light, scattered applause can barely be heard ]

Because the war against terror is far from over.

[ sounds of light, confused applause can be heard, military personnel possibly thinking to themselves, “Say what?” ]

But for now, your work is done, and you are going home.

[ show stock footage of applauding military personnel aboard the Lincoln ]

President George W. Bush: Although.. you never know. The world reamins a dangerous place.. and your nation could call on you again tomorrow.

[ very thin applause is heard, more out of respect than enthusiasm ]

Although that is unlikely.

[ the applause is a little broader, though not quite as trusting ]

As I said – for now, you are going home.

[ the applause is greater, but nowhere near as enthusiastic as it was at the top of the speech ]

That is certain.

[ applause intensifies a little bit, but still not ready to trust where this is going ]

99.99% certain.

[ very thin applause ]

Let me ask ya’ a hypothetical question. [ clears throat ] If the United States were to invade another country next week.. which of the following countries would you most like to invade? You may applaud for more than one country. Syria?

[ scattered applause ]

Libya?

[ scattered applause ]

Argentina?

[ a couple of guys can be heard clapping ]

France?

[ broader applause than the other choices ]

Israel?

[ very scattered applause ]

North Korea?

[ a slightly higher applause rate ]

How many said North Korea?

[ those military personnel repeat their applause ]

Those of you who said North Korea, give yourselves a round of applause.

[ with relunctance, they applaud themselves for applauding earlier ]

You have been very patient, but, if you don’t mind, I have just a few more questions. By your applause.. indicate how much you agree with the following statement: “The men and women of America’s military deserve a pay increase, but what they’d really prefer is a tax cut to get the economy moving, especially an end to the double-taxation of dividends.”

[ no applause ]

Really? Hmm. Okay, one more. “If the White House were to claim that President Bush actually piloted a Navy jet during his landing on the U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln, how believable would that claim be: Very belieavable..”

[ one guy can be heard clapping ]

“..not at all beleivable..”

[ heavy applause ]

“..or.. not very believable, but I trust this White House.”

[ light applause ]

Okay. Fair enough. And, finally.. the Republican National Committee would like to use videotaped images of today’s event in future campaign ads. Are you comfortable with that?

[ light to scattered applause ]

What if these images are used out of context, to imply your endorsement of specific policies with which you may not agree, such as the the elimination of double-taxation of dividends?

[ fearful scattered applause ]

Alright, last one. What if these images were used to open an episode of “Saturday Night Live”?

[ wild applause ]

Alright, then.. “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night.”

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Ashton Kutcher: 05/03/03


Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
May 3rd, 2003

Ashton Kutcher

50 Cent

G Unit

Nate Dogg

  • The U.S.S. Lincoln

    President George W. Bush (Chris Parnell) addresses Navy personnel on U.S.S. Lincoln.

    Recurring Characters: President George W. Bush.

  • Ashton Kutcher’s Monologue

    Kutcher has forgotten to wear pants for his monologue.

  • Count Chocula Silver

    Count Chocula (Jimmy Fallon) changes marketing approach to address seniors.

  • Jarret’s Room

    Sole viewer from Iceland (Kutcher) stays in Jarret’s (Jimmy Fallon) dorm room.

    Recurring Characters: Jarret, Goby, D.J. Jonathan Feinstein.

  • Madonna: An American Life

    Matt Lauer (Seth Meyers) interviews rapidly-aging Madonna (Amy Poehler).

    Recurring Characters: Madonna.

  • Plagierism

    Teacher is well aware of students’ history paper plagierisms.

  • 50 Cent performs “In Da Club”

  • Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

    Liza Minelli (Maya Rudolph) & David Gest (Chris Kattan) celebrate his birthday.

    Tracy Morgan has eaten Saddam Hussein’s birthday cake.

    Patrick (Will Forte) & Gunther Kelly (Fred Armisen) sing SARS Prevention Song.

    Recurring Characters: Liza Minelli, David Gest, Patrick Kelly, Gunther Kelly.

  • The Falconer

    The Falconer (Will Forte) faces competition from The Muskrateer (Kutcher).

    Tracy Morgan & Dean Edwards don’t want Kutcher to “Punk” them.

    Recurring Characters: The Falconer.

  • Politics Today

    High school dropouts discuss the day’s big issues.

    Recurring Characters: Skeeter.

  • 50 Cent with G Unit & Nate Dogg performs “21 Questions”

  • 50’s Ent.

    Prisoners incite riot when they mistake pre-execution performance.

  • Global Investments

    (Rerun) See: 01/18/03.

  • Goodnights

    SNL Transcripts

    • Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey


    02q: Ray Romano / Zwan

    Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

    …..Jimmy Fallon
    …..Tina Fey
    …..Seth Meyers
    Muhammad Said Al-Sahhaf…..Darrell Hammond


    Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”

    Jimmy Fallon: Hi, I’m Jimmy Fallon.

    Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey, and here are tonight’s top stories.

    Residents of Baghdad went on a looting rampage this week. The looting began after US troops entered the city and informed them of the Rodney King verdict.

    In a video taped message to the people of Iraq, President Bush said your nation will soon be free. The government of Iraq, the future of your country will soon belong to you. When addressing the Iraqi’s, the President spoke slowly and chose simple words because he always does.

    Jimmy Fallon: US Soldiers have been given packs of 55 playing cards which feature pictures of leaders the Bush administration wants them to kill or capture. The cards include Saddam Hussein, Tarik Haziz, and Michael Moore.

    Tina Fey: It is rumored that Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez want to star in a remake of Casablanca. This will be the perfect film for people who liked the original but wished it was terrible.

    Jimmy Fallon: Every year, we here at Saturday Night Live join the rest of America by holding our own NCAA basketball pool. Here’s the winner of this year’s SNL office pool…Seth Meyers.

    Seth Meyers: Well hello! Hello Jimmy and Tina! Or should I say “hello losers!”

    Jimmy Fallon: Congratulations Seth. You did a good job.

    Seth Meyers: What’s that Jimmy? I can’t hear you all the way up here, at the top! Ah the sweet nectar of success. (licks his fingers)

    Jimmy Fallon: Stop doing that.

    Seth Meyers: Delicious!

    Tina Fey: Seth, why do you have to act like this?

    Seth Meyers: Well I’d like to tell you, Tina, but anyone stupid enough to think Kentucky was going to win the tournament, wouldn’t understand! Duh, duh, duh…I’m Tina Fey. No one can beat Kentucky.

    Jimmy Fallon: Come on, it’s just a pool man.

    Seth Meyers: What’s that, I can’t hear you, Fallon. The rustle of your ten dollar bill is deafening. Why look it’s my old friend Alexander Hamilton. What’s that, Alex? I’m a much better owner than Jimmy? Why thank you! And let me be the first to say that you are not only the first but the finest Secretary of the Treasurer of this or any other nation. Oh, and what shall I do with you, one-time ten dollar bill of Ms. Tina Fey? Perhaps we’ll share two coffees and a scone at Starbucks, or, maybe we’ll take a cab almost all the way back to my apartment. With money like this the options are endless. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

    Jimmy Fallon: You know there are only 15 of us. You do realize that you only won 150 dollars.

    Seth Meyers: No I did not realize that. In my excitement I seemed to have shanked my math pretty badly and added a zero or three. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a plasma TV and a cheetah to un-buy. Good day to you!

    Jimmy Fallon: Seth Meyers everybody!

    Tina Fey: The annual White House Easter egg hunt is scheduled for next week. President Bush told reporters he still has no definitive knowledge where the eggs might be or if they are in fact, alive or dead. Regardless, the administration says it plans to spend $70 billion looking for the eggs, and then not find them.

    Jimmy Fallon: According to sources inside Baghdad, the Iraqi military leader known as “Chemical Ali” is dead. No word on the status of his long-time rival, “Chemical Frasier.”

    According to the New York Department of Health, the most popular name for baby boys this year was Michael. The second most popular name? Colin Farrell Jr.

    Tina Fey: Darryl Strawberry was released from a Florida prison Tuesday after serving 11 months for violating is probation on cocaine possession charges. (looks at watch) 3.. 2.. 1.. and he has been arrested again.

    Details Magazine claims that since the 1940s, a secret list has been kept of which famous men have large penises. I’ll tell you one celebrity you won’t see on the Big Penis List, Mr…Jimmy.. (Jimmy punches Tina – no sound effect) I was going to say Carter! I was gonna say Jimmy Carter!

    Jimmy Fallon: Oh sorry about that.

    Tina Fey: God you’re so paranoid. You must really have a small penis. (Jimmy punches Tina – again no sound effect)

    Jimmy Fallon: Sorry about that. Yeah.

    Tina Fey: In other news, coming up in just three days is April 15, the IRS deadline for filing your income taxes. Or, as Willie Nelson refers to it, Tuesday.

    Jimmy Fallon: The new trend in fashion for women this summer is expected to be short shorts with some inseams being reduced to less than 2 inches. While men will mostly likely make a return to wearing the classic boner.

    Tina Fey: Tonight for another perspective on the war, we’re joined by the Iraqi Minster of Information. Are you there Mr. Sahhaf?

    Muhammad Said Al-Sahhaf: (via satellite) Surrender Tina!

    Tina Fey: Wha.. excuse me?

    Muhammad Said Al-Sahhaf: I have come onto your program to announce that the Iraqi’s have won the war.

    Tina Fey: Minister, what are you talking about? The US has clearly won.

    Muhammad Said Al-Sahhaf: Tina, you are delusional. Our armies have not only won, they have invaded America! Right now our Republican Guards are storming through Disney World, eating astro-burgers and going on all the rides! And get this, Tina, Iraq’s victory is so overwhelming that all of your Houlihans are now Hussein-i-hans and all of your Cinnabuns are now Saddam-a-buns!

    Tina Fey: Excuse me, Minister, aren’t those American MP’s?

    Muhammad Said Al-Sahhaf: Yes, Tina. But they have come to surrender to me. I will now take them for questioning. Surrender, Tina Fey, surrender!

    Tina Fey: Ok, Minister Muhammad Said Al-Sahhaf, everybody. He wants us to surrender.

    Jimmy Fallon: When the New York City subways stop using tokens in May, it will signal the end of “token sucking,” the practice of thieves putting their mouths on the turnstiles and sucking out a recently used token. For those who miss the sensation of putting your mouth on a subway turnstile, the MTA recommends making out with Mickey Rourke.

    Tina Fey: That’s a good joke there, Tiny Penis. (Jimmy punches Tina – sound effect works) See how funny it is when the sound effect works? Billy Taylor, everybody, on sound effects.

    Sony has created a cuddly humanoid robot that performs a song and dance routine and can carry on simple conversations with humans. They have named it Wayne Brady. Yeah! I got you Wayne Brady!

    Jimmy Fallon: Hey do you want to do the punching thing again?

    Tina Fey: Yeah, do it one more time. (Jimmy punches Tina – sound effect works)

    Jimmy Fallon: For Weekend Update, I’m Jimmy Fallon.

    Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow!

    Thanks to Natalie for this transcript!

    SNL Transcripts

    Uday Hussein For President


    02q: Ray Romano / Zwan

    Uday Hussein For President

    Uday Hussein…..Fred Armisen


    Announcer: Baghdad has only just fallen. And yet, already, candidates are throwing their hats in the ring to be the President of Iraq. But how many of them are only doing it simply because they have a lust for power? Just one.

    Uday Hussein: Hi! I’m Uday Hussein! My father ruled Iraq for a long time! And he was a fantastic murderer in his day! But.. unfortunately.. he is probably dead by now. So.. it might be time for a change! It’s true that my opponents say I am a violent lunatic! But what they don’t tell you is that I know all the hot spots and discotheques! I’ve got tons of jewelry and cars, and I’m addicted to sex! Elect me! I’m like a fun-time playboy! I’m a club-hopping, jolly fun cat! Come on! Now.. I know what you’re thinking: “Why elect the less competent son of a former president?” Well.. you guys did it!

    Announcer: Uday Hussein. A name you can trust.

    SNL Transcripts

    A Message From Saddam Hussein


    02q: Ray Romano / Zwan

    A Message From Saddam Hussein

    Saddam Hussein…..Horatio Sanz
    Translator’s Voice…..Maya Rudolph


    Saddam Hussein: The following is an address from the President of Iraq, Saddam Hussein – who is not dead.

    [ dissolve to Saddam Hussein sitting behind desk, as Iraqi text appears onscreen with the accompaniment of a Translator’s voice ]

    Translator’s Voice: Good evening. Ah, it’s good to be alive. Also, to be speaking to you live, rather than in the form of a videotape recorded some weeks ago, before the war started. Because that is not what this is. This is live. I don’t need to address you on tape, because what would be the point? I’m not dead.

    In that case, tonight I speak to you, the villianous people of Iraq, for two reasons. First, to congratulate you on your heroic resistance to the crusader forces of Britain and America. The war, I think you’ll agree, is going pretty well for us, all things considered. Not perfect, but.. pretty well. Although, don’t expect to read that in the Western press. I can only imagine the lies they are printing, right now, April 12th, 2003. I can only imagine it because I refuse to read the Western press, and not, by the way, because I’ve been dead for several weeks. Because I am not dead.

    Which leads me to my second point. You may also read in the Western press, believe it or not, that I am dead. Well, could a dead man do this?

    [ attempts to do a magic trick with a coin in his hand, but is unable to perform it without a hitch ]

    Ayway, I did it earlier.. But that’s not the point. If I were dead, I could hardly be appearing live on television, tonight, April 12th, 2003. Now, could I? Of course, the Western press will probably claim that this address is not actually live, but was pre-recorded weeks ago for broadcast in the event of my death. How do I answer such a ridiculous charge? First of all, I give you my word that this is live. Which ought to be good enough. But if you need more proof, let me direct your attention to this calender. [ holds up calender of the date April 12th ] I think that speaks for itself.

    In closing, a final word to you, my beloved Iraqi people. In the days ahead, God willing, I hope to be able to resume my customary public appearances, to bolster your morale. And to reassure you, that I was not killed in the first days of the bombing, which I definitely was not. I am alive. But when you see me, should I appear a little odd, should I look different, or seem heavier, or even several inches shorter.. please understand, I am under a lot of pressure. It’s not that you’re actually seeing one of my doubles, on account of the fact that I was killed some weeks ago. Because, as I explained earlier, I’m not dead. I’m alive. I am speaking to you, “Live..”

    Saddam Hussein: “Live! From New York! It’s Saturday Night!”

    SNL Transcripts

    What’s The Rush?


    02q: Ray Romano / Zwan

    What’s The Rush?

    Sean…..Seth Meyers
    Becca…..Amy Poehler
    Sweet Pete Zernicky…..Ray Romano


    [ open on title graphic, over theme song “You Can’t Hurry Love” by The Supremees ]

    [ dissolve to show set, Sean and Becca seated next to one another on the couch ]

    Becca: Welcome! To another episode of “What’s The Rush?” I’m Becca, and beside me is my boyfriend of three years – Sean. This is a sohw for and by people who made the pledge to forego sexual intercourse until marriage.

    Sean: Just because you abstain from sex doesn’t mean you have to abstain from life.

    Becca: [ laughs ] That’s so true! Last weekend.. Sean and I went camping, and we had a wonderful time.

    Sean: After our ten minutes of deep, familiar kissing, and restrained, over-the-clothes petting.. we decided to lie back and try to go to sleep.

    Becca: [ laughing ] It’s amazing what you hear when you’re wide awake in the forest!

    Sean: [ nervous laughter ] I felt my senses were ve-ry acute!

    Becca: I felt that, too! It was like I could hear a single bead of sweat roll off your brow.. down your neck.. and onto your chest.. which I imagine to be muscular, yet hairy. Like a Greek god!

    Sean: [ uncomfortably horny, thanks to the epic description ] Do you, maybe, want to do some jumping jacks?

    Becca: Yeah, yeah! Jumping jacks!

    [ they awkwardly perform a series of jumping jacks to release their pented-up frustrations ]

    Becca: Okay!

    Sean: I am gonna kill you!!!

    Becca: [ screams playfully ] Okay! Whoo! We always get great guests on “What’s The Rush?” From Rev. Walker to Rev. Manning!

    Sean: We thought we’d “switch up”, and bring out someone with a counter viewpoint.

    Becca: Right. Someone who could talk about their own sexual experiences.

    Sean: Because talking about it is fine!

    Becca: Yeah, talking about it’s not doing it!

    Sean: Yeah, what?! Now we can’t even talk about it!

    Becca: Aw, give us a break!

    Sean: Arrrrrggggghhhh!!

    Becca: Okay! So, please.. um.. welcome the author of the book “Don’t Just Sit There – Bone Something”. Sweet Pete Zernicky.

    [ theme music plays Pete onto the set ]

    Sweet Pete Zernicky: Ahhhh.. So how long is this gonna take, ’cause I got some serious bonin’ to do!

    Becca: Uh.. now, Pete, uh..

    Sweet Pete Zernicky: Ah ah ah ah.. “Sweet” Pete!

    Becca: Okay. Sweet Pete. Um.. why did you write this book?

    Sweet Pete Zernicky: Well.. we’re livin’ in crazy times. You know? Yeah. The war.. terrorists.. blue ketchup.. tiny ovens that cook things real fast! You know? We need a release. We need a release from the madness! That’s why I think bonin’ – hardcore, non-stop American bonin’.

    Sean: Yeah, yeah, yeah.. so, sex. What’s that like?

    Becca: Yes. Sex, is it good?

    Sweet Pete Zernicky: Yeeeaaahhhh.. You know what it’s like? It’s like Christmas morning, when you’re opening up your gifts, and you’re.. you’re.. you’re filled, you’re full with this overwhelming feeling of joy. You know? It’s just like that – only in your pants.

    Sean: Is it, um.. is it different every time?

    Becca: Yeah.

    Sweet Pete Zernicky: Each lady is like a different song, you know? Like a different song with a different set of racks! I mean, would you want to listen to one song for the rest of your life?

    Sean: No, that would suck!

    Becca: Yeah, you know, I like a lot of different songs.

    Sweet Pete Zernicky: Hey! Hey! I got an idea! you two should bone!

    [ Becca and Sen are uncomfortably silent ]

    Sean: You want some water?

    Becca: Yeah, okay, I’ll have some water, thank you so much!

    [ Sean pours Becca half-glass of water, then pours his glass onto his crotch. He follows up by pouring the entire pitcher onto his crotch, then the contents of Becca’s unfinished glass. ]

    Becca: Whoo! That’s great! Thank you so much!

    Sweet Pete Zernicky: Alright, quick change of subject – how come you two haven’t boned yet?

    Becca: Uh.. well, uh.. Sweet Pete.. we mutually decided to save ourselves for the ultimate wedding gift, once we’re married.

    Sweet Pete Zernicky: Ah ah ah ah.. ssshhhhhh.. ssshhhhh.. sshhhhhhhhh.. Let me tellya something – I was married once. So I know all about the “once you’re married”. You know what that’s like? It’s like driving a Porsche in a school zone. Okay? Let me use another metaphor: you wanna pork other ladies all the time, but you can’t. It’s a drag.

    Sean: [ frustrated ] Ohhh, that would suck!

    Sweet Pete Zernicky: So, listen.. out of curioist,y what do you guys consider sex?

    Becca: [ thinking ] Um.. I won’t give.. “jobs”.

    Sweet Pete Zernicky: Ah.

    Sean: Also, uh.. if it feels good, she won’t let me do it.

    Becca: Sean, I thought this was something we both wanted?

    Sean: Why don’t YOU SHUT UP??!!

    Becca: I didn’t say Shut up!

    Sean: You know WHAT?!! You’re not WORTH IT!!

    [ they break into uncontrollable, frustrating laughter, desperate to relieve themselves of this burdon ]

    Becca: Okay, well.. thank you so much for coming, Sweet Pete.

    Sweet Pete Zernicky: O-kay.. my pleasure. Anything else you guys want to ask me?

    Sean: Uh.. I can’t relaly think of anything right now.. [ quickly ] On Page 57 of your book, you mention three-ways! Have you ever had a three-way?!

    Sweet Pete Zernicky: [ happily ] Yeah!

    Becca: Have you ever done it underwater?

    Sweet Pete Zernicky: Yeah.

    Sean: Sex in public?

    Sweet Pete Zernicky: Yeah.

    Becca: Where?

    Sweet Pete Zernicky: Elevator.

    Sean: Moving?

    Sweet Pete Zernicky: Yep.

    Becca: Because of it being an elevator, or because of the sex?

    Sweet Pete Zernicky: A little both.

    Sean: Where else?

    Sweet Pete Zernicky: Jet skis.. zoo.. helicopter.. haunted house.. scented candle store.. Statue of Liberty-

    Sean: [ can’t take the frustrations any longer ] Okay, I’m going for a run! [ runs off set quickly ]

    Becca: Okay! That has been all, you know.. all the time we have today.. Thank you so much, Sweet Pete, you’ve been truly informative and pleasant.

    Sweet Pete Zernicky: Do you wanna go in my van and bone?

    Becca: [ hesitant at first, but then boldly ] Yes. I do want to do that.

    [ they run off to Sweet Pete’s van, to fade ]

    SNL Transcripts

    Rialto Grande


    02q: Ray Romano / Zwan

    Rialto Grande

    Rodney “The Zipper” Calzoun…..Jimmy Fallon
    Buddy Mills…..Chris Kattan
    Mackey…..Fred Armisen
    Marv “The Spuds” Crackzar…..Ray Romano
    Cocktail Waitresses…..Rachel Dratch, Tina Fey, Amy Poehler, Maya Rudolph


    Rodney “The Zipper” Calzoun: And now, coming to you live, from the beautiful Rosewater Room in the Rialto Grande – just shy of the Vegas strip – it’s another night with Buddy Mills! This is old pal Rodney “The Zipper” Calzoun saying: The only thing smaller than this guy’s paycheck.. is his pointdexter! Here’s.. Buddy Mills!

    [ the aging Buddy Mills runs excitedly onto the stage, little else to live for in his life; cocktail waitresses wil periodically walk past Buddy string directly into the audience as though severely annoyed at having to work the act ]

    Buddy Mills: Ha! Hello, Nas Legas, Vevada! Ha HA! Hey, is it New Year’s Eve? ‘Cause I think my ball just dropped! Haaa, I can’t! [ expects a rim shot from drummer Mackey, but gets zero response from the open-mouthed old-timer ] I just got my taxes done, have you heard about these things, these taxes? Apparently-

    [ from out of nowhere, Mackey delivers an inappropriately-timed rim shot ]

    Buddy Mills: Apparently, I can’t claim not gettin’ any.. as a loss! Haaa, wait a second, I can’t! [ waits again for a non-existant rim shot from Mackey ] I’ll tell ya, my wife’s knockers are so low-

    [ Mackey delivers another inappropriately-timed rim shot, much to Buddy’s annoyance ]

    Buddy Mills: Mackey on drums, everybody. Great stuff. Class act. Anyway.. my wife’s knockers are so low.. she crossed the street yesterday, and got three jaywalking tickets! Whaaaat?! Wait a.. I can’t! [ again, no rim shot from Mackey ] Hey, Mackey, how’s your wife doin’? Good? [ Mackey doesn’t respond, he just stares open-mouthed ] No kiddin’? Okay! We’ve got a great show – despite all the water damage, thank you for coming! Here’s a tip – if you see black mold, don’t put your tongue on it, on matter how good it looks! Heeey, I don’t.. okay! Sorry.. sorry.. Our first guest-

    Mackey: [ interrupting unexpectedly ] Mabel is fine..

    Buddy Mills: Our first guest is a great fellow! You guys have seen him plastered all over the bus stps – literally! The second funniest comic – in this room, at this very moment as we speak – Marv “The Spuds” Crackzar!

    [ Marv enters onto the stage chomping on a cigar ]

    Marv “The Spuds” Crackzar: Bud-dyyyyy! There’s a hooker in the lobby looking for you – you left your dentures in her paaaants! [ clutches his stomach ] Hold.. hold.. hold.. and release!

    Buddy Mills: [ laughing ] Unbelievable!

    Marv “The Spuds” Crackzar: Sit down!

    Buddy Mills: So good! So good!

    [ they both sit at a table on the stage ]

    Marv “The Spuds” Crackzar: Sit down, you monkey! Sit in the chair!

    Buddy Mills: This guy! This guy’s been the headliner in the Medallion Room at Caeser’s, for how many years now?

    Marv “The Spuds” Crackzar: Well.. well.. let’s just say, when I started there the hecklers used bows and arrows! Hold.. hold.. and release!

    Buddy Mills: [ laughing ] That is a long story! That is a very long story!

    Marv “The Spuds” Crackzar: The only thing longer than that is Buddy’s wife’s face when she sees him naked! Hold.. Hold.. release!

    Buddy Mills: [ laughing ] I can’t stand it! I can’t stand it!

    Marv “The Spuds” Crackzar: Keep still, you rabbit!

    Buddy Mills: I can’t believe they canned you from Caeser’s, I really can’t..

    Marv “The Spuds” Crackzar: Yeah!

    Buddy Mills: Big loss to them, truly a loss..

    Marv “The Spuds” Crackzar: I got replaced by this new kid – Celie Die-on. I mean, what are you gonna do? How am I gonna compete with a Canadian in her own amphitheater? Huh?! She’s got the laser lights, and the fountains, and the, you know.. the only water spectacle I got in my act is when my catheter slips out! Holding.. holding..

    Buddy Mills: [ laughing ] So good! Spuds, I swear to God, you are on fire tonight! You are unbelievable! [ to the audience ] You have gotta see this guy’s act, it’s so good! Please tell everybody where you’re playing next weekend.

    Marv “The Spuds” Crackzar: I have some gigs lined up, in the area..

    Buddy Mills: Yeah. Yeah. Where, uh.. where are you playing?

    Marv “The Spuds” Crackzar: I’m at, uh.. I’m at various places in the vicinity..

    Buddy Mills: Uh-huh. Yeah. Where at, like where?

    Marv “The Spuds” Crackzar: Uh, well.. I’m gonna be over at, uh.. I’m doing a weekend at the, uh.. at the, uh.. [ suddenly collapses into a handful of tears ] I’ve got NOTHING!! I’ve got NOTHING!!

    Buddy Mills: Okay.. let it out, it’s okay.. it’s okay.. it really is okay..

    Marv “The Spuds” Crackzar: Ohhh, it hurts, Buddy..

    Buddy Mills: I know it does..

    Marv “The Spuds” Crackzar: Oh, God..

    Buddy Mills: It’s alright..You know? And I know it does, I know it hurts.. We’re the clowns, you know? We’re not supposed to cry. We’re the ones who are crying inside the hardest, you know? It’s so hard!

    Marv “The Spuds” Crackzar: [ regaining his composure ] You know what I did? You know what I did yesterday? I, uh.. I practiced my act in mirror. you know? Because I wanted to see.. how they saw me.. you know? And I said, “Oh, God.. who’s that pathetic old man who forgot.. how to make.. people.. laugh..? Who’s gonna hire him?

    [ Mackey finally delivers another inappropriately-timed rim shot, much to Buddy’s annoyance ]

    Buddy Mills: Mackey on drums! Hey, don’t worry – you! You.. are the real deal, Spuds! You’re unbelievable! They can have their Celine Dions, and they can have those fancy ladies! They can have ’em!

    Marv “The Spuds” Crackzar: Yeah, well, you know.. the women, they’ve always been trouble for me.

    Buddy Mills: Yeah, yeah, yeah..

    Marv “The Spuds” Crackzar: Even my blow-up doll can’t keep her mouth shut! Holding.. release! I’m back!

    Buddy Mills: Ha ha haaaa!! I can’t!

    Marv “The Spuds” Crackzar: Let it out!

    Buddy Mills: Lemme tell ya somethin’! One thing for sure..

    Marv “The Spuds” Crackzar: Let’s sing a song!

    [ all four cocktail waitresses relunctanly join Buddy and Marv onstage ]

    Buddy & Marv: [ singing together ]
    “When skies are cloudy and gray
    They’re only gray for a day
    So wrap your troubles in dreams
    And dream your troubles away..”

    Buddy Mills: Thank you for spending another night with Buddy Mills! I’d like to thank Marv “The Spuds” Crackzar! And, remember: it ain’t a one-night stand if you’re layin’ down! Haaaaa, my other ball just dropped! Good night, everybody!

    SNL Transcripts

    CNN Newsbreak


    02q: Ray Romano / Zwan

    CNN Newsbreak

    Aaron Brown…..Darrell Hammond
    …..Chris Kattan


    [ dissolve onto Aaron Brown at the CNN newsdesk, as the latest news scrolls across the bottom of the screen: ]

    Scroll: “All-Night Vegas wraps, laughter heard.

    Scroll: Whereabouts of Tracy Morgan remain unknown, systematic searh of area topless bars yield no results.

    Scroll: Preliminary reports indicate that Horatio Sanz has commenced ninth beer of evening, tenth expected shortly.

    Scroll: Sanz: “Hey, lay off of me, man.”

    Scroll: SNL rookie writer James Eagan: “Just really excited to be part of it all.”

    [ scroll repeats throughout the mini-broadcast ]

    Aaron Brown: Um.. good evening, um.. I’m Aaron Brown. And I.. I’ve been talking for.. a long time. A long.. long time.. For those of you who are just joining our coverage, the top story out of Studio 8-H here in New York is that the All-Night Vegas sketch has wrapped. Which is to say that it has reached its inevitable.. conclusion. The next sketch: funny, enlightening, entertaining.. it should be starting any minute now. But, uh.. as of yet, we don’t seem to be quite ready. I, uh.. apologize for the delay. It’s 12:26 Eastern Standard Time, or 12:26 Studio 8-H.. Daylight Time. [ clears throat ] That was, of course, the inimitable, uh.. Chris Karttan, the man who has.. provided us with so much, uh.. joy. Over the years.. revisiting the role of down-on-his-luck Las Vegas comedian Buddy Mills. A man who, uh.. is faced with a whole.. [ laughing ] ..a whole host of problems! Stemming from his, uh.. flatering career.. [ laughs again ] ..his, uh.. difficult marriage.. his ailing prostate, and.. [ laughing ] And the lsit goes on!

    I’m getting word that we’re just moments away from the next sketch, but we’re not quite there yet. These great cast members are, of course, under a tremendous amount of stress. And we’re going to go now to Chris Kattan, live, for.. an insider’s perspective.. on that last sketch. And, Chris, are you there?

    [ show split screen on Aaron on one side, and Chris Kattan, still in costume, on the other side ]

    Aaron Brown: [ coughs ] Chris? [ Chris mumbles to himself on his side ] Okay. Unfortunately, there seems to be some audio problems.. with Chris’ audio. We’re going to be working on that situation, and we’re gonna.. okay. I’m now getting word the next sketch is ready, and I believe this is a parody of a commercial for something called the, uh.. [ receiving communication in his earpiece ] Oh.. okay.. it’s.. an actual commercial. Alright, then, can I just take a little break, then? It’d be all right if I just- No? No break? Okay, then.. we’re gonna be.. we’ll be back right.. after this.

    [ cut to bumper montage, fade to real commercials ]

    SNL Transcripts