Category:

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 19

02s: Adrien Brody / Sean Paul & Wayne Wonder

American Idol

Ryan Seacrest…..Jimmy Fallon
Kimberly Locke…..Rachel Dratch
Clay Aiken…..Chris Kattan
Ruben…..Tracy Morgan
Mya…..Maya Rudolph
Joshua Gracin…..Jeff Richards
Simon Cowell…..Chris Parnell
Paula Abdul…..Amy Poehler
Randy Jackson…..Dean Edwards

Ryan Seacrest: Welcome back to “American Idol”, I’m super-sexy Ryan Seacrest! Before the break, we found out that Kimberly Locke lost to Clay Aiken on Round 2 tonight. But.. last night, Randy said, “Dog.. you sing like a dog, Dog. You did your dog thing.” Paula said, “Your voice is like a rainbow, and you let your light shine.” Simon said, “Your voice is more Broadway that pop, and you look like somehow Martin Short, Miss Jane Hathaway and Strawberry Shortcake all had a baby together.” Did America agree? We’ll find out, right after this message from Coca-Cola.

[ dissolve out to the Coca-Cola commercial starring Mya ]

Mya: Try to make it re-al, come back to Earth!

[ dissolve back to the “American Idol” set ]

Ryan Seacrest: We’re back, live, on “American Idol”! I’m here with Clay Aiken and Kimberly Locke. One of them’s going home tonight. The only one safe.. is Ruben. How you doin’ over there, Ruben?

[ cut to the portly Ruben sitting off to the side. He makes a two-fingered gesture to his lips ]

[ cut back to Ryan Seacrest ]

Ryan Seacrest: How you feelin’, Kimberly? Are you nervous?

Kimberly: No, ’cause.. I know I’m gonna lose!

Clay Aiken: [ consoling ] Don’t say that, Kimberly.. it may very well be me.. [ looks to the camera and winks with a smile ]

Ryan Seacrest: I know who’s going home? Should I tell you? Are you ready to find out? [ looks off-camera ] Ruben? Are you ready?

[ cut to the portly Ruben sitting off to the side. He makes a two-fingered gesture to his lips ]

[ cut back to Ryan Seacrest ]

Ryan Seacrest: America, are you ready to find out! [ audience cheers ] Huh? Are you ready! Then let’s find our right n- after this commercial break! [ audience groans ]

[ dissolve out to the Coca-Cola commercial starring Mya ]

Mya: Try to make it re-al, come back to Earth!

[ dissolve back to the “American Idol” set ]

Ryan Seacrest: You’re watching “American Idol”! If you just tuned in, I’m Botoxed heartthrob Ryan Seacrest! We’re about to find out which of these two talented singers will be eliminated tonight. America voted.. but, first.. we’ve got a special videotaped message for you from last week’s finalist – Joshua Gracin. Let’s take a look!

[ dissolve to the videotape of Joshua dressed in camoflauge and standing in the Iraqi desert as gunfire can be heard volleying behind him ]

Joshua Gracin: Hey, I really miss you guys! I’m over here in Iraq now. People say the war’s over here, but.. I’ll tell you what – uh, some pretty screwed-up stuff is still going on. Uh.. I sure do miss y’all.. I even miss you, Simon.. [ gunfire shoots past ] Sonofabitch! Where is that coming from?! Uh… [ video image fades ]

[ cut back to Ryan Seacrest ]

Ryan Seacrest: Joshua Gracin. We miss you too, buddy! Ruben? Do you miss Josh?

[ cut to the portly Ruben sitting off to the side. He makes a two-fingered gesture to his lips ]

[ cut back to Ryan Seacrest ]

Ryan Seacrest: Reuben, are you ready?

[ cut to the portly Ruben sitting off to the side. He makes a two-fingered gesture to his lips ]

[ cut back to Ryan Seacrest ]

Ryan Seacrest: We’ll have the results.. when we come back. [ audience groans ]

[ dissolve out to the Coca-Cola commercial starring Mya ]

Mya: Try to make it re-al, come back to Earth!

[ dissolve back to the “American Idol” set ]

Ryan Seacrest: Welcome back to “American Idol”, I’m Ryan Seacrest! We’ll be right back!

[ dissolve out to the Coca-Cola commercial starring Mya ]

Mya: Try to make it re-al, come back to Earth!

[ dissolve back to the “American Idol” set ]

Ryan Seacrest: This is the moment we’ve been waiting for! Right here. [ looks off-stage ] Paula.. who do you think should be voted off tonight?

Paula Abdul: Uh.. I don’t think anyon should ever be voted off anything, ever!

Ryan Seacrest: Simon?

Simon Cowell: All I have to say is.. that I hate you, Ryan Seacrest.. and I hope you get SARS.

Ryan Seacrest: You hope I get SARS? You gonna give them to me, Simon? [ Simon ignores Ryan with contempt ] God, who peed in your corn flake? [ laughs smugly at his own amusement ] I did! [ laughs some more ] Randy?

Randy Jackson: Dog, Dog, Dog.. listen, Dog.. between these two dogs, Dog, my vote’s gonna have to be-

Ryan Seacrest: [ interrupting ] Randy, Randy, Randy, hold that thought! We’ll be right back!

[ dissolve out to the Coca-Cola commercial starring Mya ]

Mya: Try to make it re-al, come back to Earth!

[ dissolve back to the “American Idol” set ]

Ryan Seacrest: Welcome back to “American Idol”..

Kimberly: Can I just leave? Please? ‘Cause I know it’s gonna be me..

Clay Aiken: If she wants to go.. we should probably let her go. [ smiles confidently at the camera ]

Ryan Seacrest: Kimberly.. Clay.. you’ve been very patient. This is it! The votes have been tallied.. America has spoken. I’m gonna look down at the card.. and read the results. I will use my mouth to make sounds.. your ears will process these sounds as words.. and the meanings of these words will make it clear to you who has been eliminated.. on.. “American.. Idol”. Kimberly.. you are.. live.. from New York.. we’ll be right back!

[ dissolve out to the Coca-Cola commercial starring Mya ]

Mya: Try to make it.. “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!!“

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 19

02s: Adrien Brody / Sean Paul & Wayne Wonder

Goodnights

…..Adrien Brody

Adrien Brody: Yo! I wanna give a special thanks to my man Sean Paul! [ audience cheers ] And Wayne Wonder. I wanna thank my Mom and my Dad.. I want to thank the whole crew and the cast, everybody’s been really wonderful. And don’t forget to check out my new film – June 6th – it’s called “Love The Hard Way”. God bless, I love you!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 19

02s: Adrien Brody / Sean Paul & Wayne Wonder

Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet

[ presented in the Iraqi language, with English subtitles ]

[ open on “Saddam & Osama” title card ]

Announcer: It’s the Abu Dhabi Kids Network! State-run and gobs of fun.

Jingle:
“Saddam & Osama!
On the run from American imperialist pig-eaters.
Satan tries to catch them
But they are endowed with amazing transforming powers.
Glory be to Allah!
Saddam & Osama!”

[ dissolve to Saddam and Osama sharing soup in the desert with a nomad ]

Saddam Hussein: Ah.. this soup will sustain us.

Nomad: Anything to help Super-Titans of Jihad!

Osama bin Laden: Your people are loyal, Saddam.

Saddam Hussein: Yes. [ over flashback statue footage ] Like the time I turned into a statue, and had to get all of Baghdad to play along by hitting me with shoes!

Osama bin Laden: Yes! All the world was fooled!

[ cut to CIA Headquarters, where cowboy hat-clad CIA members type on computers ]

CIA Agent #1: It appears Hussein is 13 degrees northwest of Mosul.

CIA Agent #2: Excellent! Alert the general, as we fornicate.

[ the two CIA agents begin to make out ]

[ cut to the White House ]

President George W. Bush: [ in the image of a monkey ] Boo-hoo-hoo! If me don’t capture Arab soon, me going to crap myself!

Dick Cheney: [ eating a whole, roasted pig ] All is well, sir. Soon, we will rename Iraq East Dakota.

President George W. Bush: Too many words. No understand.

Dick Cheney: I will alert Israeli Prime Minister Sharon. [ looks below desk ] Mr. Sharon, we’ve located them.

Prime Minister Sharon: [ rises from behind the desk, wearing only a large diaper ] Fantastic!

Dick Cheney: Who told you to stop?

Prime Minister Sharon: Yes, sir. [ drops back behind the desk ]

[ dissolve back to the desert, as a pigeon in a beret delivers a letter to Saddam ]

Saddam Hussein: Cracky! Good to see you, old friend!

Osama bin Laden: Why the long face, Saddam?

Saddam Hussein: It’s a letter from my wives. How I miss them.

Osama bin Laden: I miss mine. But, look – there is no time for tears. [ points to arriving American tanks ]

[ dissolve to title card ]

Announcer: “Saddam & Osama” will return after these messages..

[ dissolve to commercials ]

Announcer: Next, on Abu Dhabi Kids..

[ show scenes from a Bat-Man cartoon ]

Announcer: Bat-Man faces not one.. but four treacherous villains as he battles..

[ show The Joker ]

The Jew..

..and also does battle with..

[ show The Riddler ]

..the other Jew..

As they join forces with..

[ show The Penguin ]

The little old Jew. Next on.. “Bat-Man”.

[ cut to “Martyrs” title card ]

Announcer: Then, on “The Martyrs”, Halabi has too much ice cream and is far too happy.

Halabi: Not again! How am I going to eat all this delicious ice cream..?

Voice of Allah: That’s your problem, Halabi. But don’t neglect your seventy virgins.

[ seventy copies of the Olson Twins suddenly surround Halabi ]

Olson Virgins: Please hurry, Halabi!!

Halabi: Allah, you spoil me..

[ cut to “Disney Favorites” card, with Information Minister Mohammed standing foreground ]

Announcer: Then, it’s “Disney Favorites”, hosted by the Information Minister Mohammed.

Information Minister Mohammed: The Queen has arrived and has beheaded the dwarves, I swear by God, she remains the fairest of them all. Snow White and the Prince have committed suicide, and God will roast their stomachs in Hell.

Announcer: On “Disney Favorites”.

[ cut to intercut images of kids dancing with decal-designed rocks and Iraqis throwing the same rocks at American tanks ]

Jingle: Rocks! Rocks! Rocks!
They come with cool decals
and cool flourescent colors.
Then you throw them at the soldiers.
Collect them all!
Rocks!

[ cut back to “Saddam & Osama” title card ]

Announcer: And now, back to “Saddam & Osama”.

[ the American tanks move in fast ]

Saddam Hussein: It’s go-time, Sammy!

[ Saddam & Osama grab and make their power chant ]

Saddam & Osama: Power, power!

[ Saddam morphs into a goat, as Osama morphs into a bag of pork rinds ]

American General: [ passing Osama/pork rinds in his tank ] Wait.. were those pork rinds? [ wags tongue and turns his tank around ] Infidelicious!

Saddam Hussein: Osama, no!

Osama bin Laden: Uh-oh.. bad choice.

[ Saddam morphs into the car from “The Duke’s Of Hazzard”. Osama/pork rinds jumps inside ]

Saddam & Osama: Hee-haw!

[ they jump over the hills and escape ]

Osama bin Laden: You saved my holy butt.

Saddam Hussein: Can I have one pork rind?

Osama bin Laden: [ stern ] Sad-dam…

[ cut to title card ]

Announcer: “Saddam & Osama”!

[ credits roll, numerous names written in the Iraqi language except for one credit to Sean Penn as a writer ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts



SNL Transcripts: Adrien Brody: 05/10/03: Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 19

02s: Adrien Brody / Sean Paul & Wayne Wonder

Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet

Brian Fellows…..Tracy Morgan
Sean Buckley…..Adrien Brody
Fred Clark…..Chris Kattan

(Theme music plays)

Jingle: “He loves animals and they love him back. Interspecies friends, we ain’t kidding mac. Brian fellows safari planet, Brian Fellows safari Planet.”

Voiceover: Brian Fellow is not an accredited zoologist, nor does he hold an advanced degree in any of the environmental sciences. He is simply an enthusiastic young man with a 6th grade education and an abiding love for all God’s creatures. Share his love on BRIAN FELLOW, BRIAN FELLOW, BRIAN FELLOWS SAFARI PLANET

Brian Fellow: Good evening! And welcome to Brian Fellows Safari Planet. I’m Brian Fellow! Tonight were gonna meet some animals that are very weird. And that scares me! But it also excites me. So lets get going! Our first guest likes to take naps and lick himself. Please welcome a kitty cat!

(Sean Buckley walks in holding a hairless cat)

Brian Fellow: and who are you?

Sean Buckley: HI! I’m Sean Buckley, from the San Antonio Feline Society or SAFS.

Brian Fellow: I’m Brian Fellow!

Sean Buckley: hello Brian, I’d like you to meet Shiba.

Brian Fellow: What did you do to that cat? He’s bald-headed! Haha

Sean Buckley: well actually, it’s a special breed of cats that’s hairless.

Brian Fellow: That’s Crazy!

Sean Buckley: well yes he is very unusual looking, yes.

Brian Fellow: he makes me laugh cause he looks like an old guy in a hospital!

Sean Buckley: well I don’t know why that would make you laugh, but Shiba is a very special breed called a Sphinx.

Brian Fellow: If I was that cat, I would wear a wig or something.

Sean Buckley: I don’t think he minds being hairless —

Brian Fellow: well whatever you do don’t take that cat to a baseball game.

Sean Buckley: I wasn’t planning on it.

Brian Fellow: well don’t. cause when the mascot goes up into the stands, they always make fun of the bald guys.

Sean Buckley: Ok thanks for the advice —

Brian Fellow: they would probably polish his head or give him a toupee made of silly string.

Sean Buckley: ok well these are hairless cats and there very popular with cat fanciers, who love cats but are sometimes allergic to the fur.

Brian Fellow: That’s what cats look like under their fur?

Sean Buckley: basically yes.

Brian Fellow: That’s creepy! Cats have been lying to us all these years? I don’t think I like cats anymore!

Sean Buckley: don’t say that! Cats makes really great pets.

Brian Fellow: cats are all fluffy on the outside but underneath they look like martians! That’s it! Take him away!

Sean Buckley: Don’t listen to him Shiba.

Brian Fellow: get that deceitful beast out of here! Our next guest likes to fly around and eat cereal, please welcome a toucan!

(Chris Kattan comes in holding a bird cage with a toucan inside)

Brian Fellow: And who are you?

Fred Clark: I’m Fred Clark from the Norfolk Bird-a-rama in Virginia.

Brian Fellow: Hello Virginia. And yes there is a santa clause you must get that a lot.

Fred Clark: actually I don’t, because my name is not Virginia its Fred.

Brian Fellow: I’m Brian Fellow!

Fred Clark: Hello Brian. I’d like you to meet Ursula. Ursula is a keel-billed toucan and his long beak gives him a very distinct look.

Brian Fellow: He’s got crazy pigeon eyes!

Fred Clark: well most people usually notice his huge yellow, green and black bill

Brian Fellow: he can have any color he wants but those black beady eyes give him away! He’s mean!

Fred Clark: toucans are actually very friendly birds

Brian Fellow: I was attacked by a pigeon once.

Fred Clark: I’m sorry

Brian Fellow: that’s Ok, I was asking for it

Fred Clark: well I don’t think you have to worry about being attacked by these birds, because toucans mainly live in the forests of Puerto Rico

Brian Fellow: Why do Puerto Ricans love birds so much?

Fred Clark: I didn’t know that they did

Brian Fellow: They do! There always naming them. If my friend Angel was here, he’d probably name that bird Charles. I don’t know why that’s funny! But its funny!

Fred Clark: ok

Brian Fellow: no offense if your name is Charles, Virginia!

Fred Clark: its not, my name is Fred and again the bird is named UrsulaBrian Fellow: so tell us about that birds beak, it looks strong! Is that to allow it to feed on a variety of tropical fruits while also presenting a display of vibrant colors for potential mates?

Fred Clark: yea that is exactly right! The toucans bill is amazingly dextrous….

(a thought bubble appears over Brian’s head and it shows the hairless cat in it)

Cat: you made fun of me for being bald, well now I’m gonna take your hair! (the cat points a razor at Brian)

Brian Fellow: YOU WILL NOT SHAVE ME!

Fred Clark: I wasn’t planning on it

Brian Fellow: I was talking to that bald headed cat.

Fred Clark: of course you were

(the cat comes back in the thought bubble, this time showing the cat shaving Brian’s head)

Cat: hahaha have fun at the baseball game Brian Fellow!

Brian Fellow: No! was it all a dream? Or was it? I was cause I’m not bald headed

Fred Clark: I think I should go —

Brian Fellow: That’s the show for today, join me next time when my guests will be a jack rabbit and a tapeworm! That’s sounds Crazy. I’m Brian Fellow!

Theme music: “Brian Fellow Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet!”

Submitted by: Jenna

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 19


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:



Special Guests:

Cameos:


May 10th, 2003

Adrien Brody

Sean Paul

Wayne Wonder

None

Elliot Brody

Sylvia Plachy

Emily Spivey
American IdolSummary: Ryan Seacrest (Jimmy Fallon) repeatedly cuts away to commercial instead of announcing the big winner.

Recurring Characters: Ryan Seacrest, Simon Cowell, Paula Abdul, Randy Jackson
Transcript

Montage

Adrien Brody’s MonologueSummary: Adrien Brody kisses women in the audienc and, thanks his mom, Sylvia Plachy.

Bio: Photographer Sylvia Plachy (1943-) has had portraits and photo essays published in The Village Voice, The New Yorker, and other art periodicals.

Transcript

Mom JeansSummary: The shapely fit that says you’re a mom, not a woman.

Transcript

Brian Fellow’s Safari PlanetSummary: Brian Fellow (Tracy Morgan) fears that a hairless cat will shave his head.

Recurring Characters: Brian Fellow.

Transcript

Self-Involved GUySummary: A self-obsessed man (Chris Kattan) creeps out his date (Rachel Dratch).

Live With Regis & KellySummary: Wild, Wild Trivia winner Pete Sokolov (Adrien Brody) has barely survived his dangerous prize vacation.

Recurring Characters: Regis Philbin, Kelly Ripa, Gelman.

Transcript

TV FunhouseSummary: In Rob Smigel’s spoof of Middle Eastern cartoons, Osama bin Laden and Saddam Hussein are sneaky partners in crime.

Transcript

Sean Paul performs “Get Busy”

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina FeySummary: Qrplt*xk (Rachel Dratch) is a creepy “X-Men 2” reject. Elton John (Horatio Sanz) sings his lyrics for a musical about the Vampire Lestat.

Recurring Characters: Qrplt*xk, Elton John.

Transcript

LensmastersSummary: Rude employees Sebastian (Adrien Brody) and Roland (Chris Kattan) show their offbeat glasses creations to a woman (Amy Poehler).

Dance ClassSummary: Adult students take dance lessons.

Recurring Characters: Gabe Fisher, Ruth Weinstock, A.J., Vasquez Gomez-Vasquez.

Wayne Wonder performs “No Letting Go”

Velvet ProductionsSummary: The homoerotic pornographic film review board members can’t think of a unique title for their version of “The Pianist.”

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

02r: Ashton Kutcher / 50 Cent

Ashton Kutcher’s Monologue

…..Ashton Kutcher
…..Maya Rudolph
…..Chris Parnell

[ Kutcher comes running onto Home Base, apparently unaware that he’s not wearing any pants ]

Ashton Kutcher: Thank you, thank you! Man, it is fan-tast-ic to be in New York City! Hosting has this show has been a dream of mine for, like.. I don’t even know how long! What.. like, eight months? And now, it’s finally happening! You don’t even.. this is a dream come true!

[ tight shot on Kutcher’s face, as thoughts race through his mind ]

Ashton Kutcher’s Thoughts: Oh, my God! I’m so pumped! Oh, my God, I’m so pumped! Everything is going perfectly.. Why do I feel like I’m forgetting something?

Ashton Kutcher: And now.. I’m hosting! This is.. this casr is amazing! I can’t beleive the job they do here every week! I mean, there’s so much to remember! you always feel like you’re going to forget something, like.. I don’t know.. like, your lines.. is it cool to make gay jokes around Kattan.. it’s unbelievable! You know.. it’s a lot colder in here than I thought it would be..

Ashton Kutcher’s Thoughts: I bet I forgot to zip my zipper.. Okay.. be cool.. check your zipper. Raise your hand.. slowly.. no one os noticing.. nooo.. I forgot the zipper altogether. Okay. I’m not wearing any pants. Cripes! Oh, God! Be cool. Do what everyone came here to see you do.. your fantastic impressions!

Ashton Kutcher: Soooo.. I was thinking about performing with 50 Cent tonight, annnd.. since Eminem couldn’t make it, and they’re kind of like partners.. I was thinking I could just, like, jump in on one of his songs, like, as Eminem.. like.. you know.. like, uh.. just be like.. “I love you like a fat kid loves cake!” Yeah, or like, like.. “I love you like Baby Hailey in a Vicadin break! I love you like Pamela loves Kid Rock! I love you like Jenny loves the block!” Just something like that, maybe..

[ Maya Rudolph appears on stage ]

Maya Rudolph: Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Ashton Kutcher: Hey! Maya Rudolph, everybody!

Maya Rudolph: Hi, baby, how are you? So, what’s up? How’s about a.. how’s about a hug for Mama, huh? [ they hug ]

Ashton Kutcher’s Thoughts: Ohhh.. this is not good.. No hugging the ladies in the tightie-whities.. Abort! Abort!

Ashton Kutcher: [ coming back ] Oh.. yeah.

Maya Rudolph: Are you doing alright, Ashton?

Ashton Kutcher: Yeah! Yeah! I’m good! Um.. let’s save the hugging for the party!

Maya Rudolph: Ha-ah! Absolutely!

[ Chris Parnell jumps on stage ]

Chris Parnell: Hey, how about a hug for Papa?

Ashton Kutcher: Uh.. may-maybe not now, Chris..

Chris Parnell: Okay. [ chuckles ] Fair enough. Then, uh.. do you mind if I wtch the rest of your monologue from over there in that dark corner?

Ashton Kutcher: Knock yourself out, man.

Chris Parnell: I just might! [ chuckles ]

Ashton Kutcher: Alright.. I gotta get some clothes on. So, you stick around.. we got a great show, and I promise I won’t forget anything else! 50 Cent is here..And we will be right back!

SNL Transcripts

02r: Ashton Kutcher / 50 Cent

Madonna: An American Life

Matt Lauer…..Seth Meyers
Madonna…..Amy Poehler
Voice…..Ashton Kutcher

Announcer: Tonight: a “Dateline” special. Madonna: An American Life. Here’s Matt Lauer.

[ dissolve to Matt Laurer standing alone in the studio next to giant monitor ]

Matt Lauer: Good evening. I’m Matt Lauer, and.. no.. Katie is not here. She’s not coming. I can host things by myself. So, please.. give me a break.

Madonna. Two decades later, and she is still as fearless as ever. We sat down with the boy toy turned yummy mommy to see how her life.. has changed.

[ dissolve to Matt at sit-down interview with Madonna in another studio ]

Matt Lauer: You look wonderful. You seem great.

Madonna: I am great. I have a wonderful family. and I’ve never been happier.

Matt Lauer: Madonna, you’ve been famous for so long. You’re 44 years old now. How does it feel to be so old?

Madonna: Sometimes bad.. sometimes sad. Always old.

Matt Lauer: What is a day with the old Madonna like? What is her typical schedule?

Madonna: My day is like everyone else’s. Two hours of yoga.. an hour of intense Kabalah study.. followed by underwater pilates.. tea and scones.. a three-hour argument with Guy Ritchie in the street.. my children’s pilates.. and.. I usually end the day by having a three-way with Sting and Trudy Styles.

[ dissolve back to Matt Laurer standing alone in the studio next to giant monitor ]

Matt Lauer: Madonna. The old broad seemed as feisty as ever. And I was doing pretty well without Katie. I spoke to Madonna about her career choices. And here’s what the 50-year old pop icon had to say.

[ dissolve back to Matt at the sit-down interview with Madonna in another studio ]

Matt Lauer: You’re 58 years old. Anything you regret in your life?

Madonna: I don’t like to use the word “regret”. I feel that one can never regret their art. They can only desperately wish that they had not.. shaved their art.. taken pictures of their art.. and put their art in a book.

Matt Lauer: So, you have no regrets?

Madonna: No.

Matt Lauer: You don’t regret “Dick Tracy”?

Madonna: Nope.

Matt Lauer: “Shanghai Surprise”?

Madonna: Never saw it.

Matt Lauer: Dennis Rodman.

Madonna: He led the league in rebounding.

Matt Lauer: You’re telling me you don’t regret.. “Swept Away”?

Madonna: [ sighs ] “Swept Away” was the kind of movie that was.. not supposed to be good.. and, if people can’t understand that.. well, then, I just don’t know..! [ laughs ]

[ dissolve back to Matt Laurer standing alone in the studio next to giant monitor ]

Matt Lauer: Madonna. The 62-year old who never stops re-inventing herself. She took a moment to show me.. how she’s learning to play the guitar.

[ dissolve to Madonna holding steady to an acoustic guitar ]

Madonna: [ strumming her guitar off-key ] It’s really important to get out of your “comfort zone”. I’ve made a lot of progress.

[ dissolve back to Matt Laurer standing alone in the studio next to giant monitor ]

Matt Lauer: Madonna. 70 years young. Despite her decision to pull her controversial video, “American Life”, the album debuted at #1. When she performed her in-store concert.. “Dateline”.. was there.

[ dissolve back to Madonna performing her in-store concert at Tower Records ]

Madonna: [ plucking guitar ] “American Life!” [ customers applaud politely ] Thank you! Thank you! Thank you for coming out to Tower Records, do you have any requests?

Voice: “Like A Virgin”!

Madonna: [ surprised ] Oh.. I don’t know.. I haven’t sung that one in a while! Is that still a song any more? [ laughs, as two-man band plays behind her ] I’ll try it.. [ singing ] “Like a vi-i-i-irgi-i-i-innn.. touched for the very first-” [ changes pitches of her voice ] Gotta find my key.. [ samples different pitches until she’s back on track ] Like a.. like a.. like a.. like a-” There it is! “Like a vir-r-r-r..” That’s not it.. [ begins singing with a deep voice, then stops ] You guys suck!

[ dissolve back to Matt Laurer standing alone in the studio next to giant monitor ]

Matt Lauer: There you have it. Madonna. Sexy. Fearless. 80 years old, with a vagina closing in on a hundred. I’m Matt Lauer, and.. yes.. I’m going to keep my hair like this for a while. And, no.. I don’t know when it’s going to grow back. And, yes.. my wife likes it. And, no.. Katie is not as nice in person. Good night.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

02r: Ashton Kutcher / 50 Cent

Goodnights

…..Ashton Kutcher

Ashton Kutcher: Thank you 50 Cent, and G-Unit and Nate Dogg. Thank you to Lorne, for making a little boy’s dream come true tonight! I appreciate that. I love you all, thank you to the cast – you guys were great! And thank you out there, you’re the best!

SNL Transcripts

02r: Ashton Kutcher / 50 Cent

The Falconer

The Falconer…..Will Forte
The Muskrateer…..Ashton Kutcher
…..Tracy Morgan
…..Ashton Kutcher
…..Dean Edwards
…..Lorne Michaels

Announcer V/O: [ over Falconer slide cards ] In 1992, Ken Mortimer was an advertising executive in Baltimore, Maryland. Then, for reasons known only to him, he left his wife and career, and moved deep into the forest. Now, he is known only as.. “The Falconer”.

[ dissolve to The Falconer and Donald the Falcon standing peacefully in the forest ]

The Falconer: Oh, Donald. It has been an atypically uneventful period, here in our forest bower. Food is plentiful, and I am not trapped beneath a tree. Together, we’ve created a perfect harmony in nature.. and I can’t think of anything that could ruin it. [ suddenly, a muskrateer and his muskrat enter from the bush ] Hark! Who goes there!

The Muskrateer: I go here. And if you want to know my story..

Announcer V/O: [ over Muskarateer slide cards ] In 1993, Ted Abernathy was a marketing executive in Bethesda, Maryland. Then, for reasons known only to him, he left his life cpartner and career, and moved deep into the forest. Now, he is known only as.. “The Muskrateer”.

The Muskrateer: Now that you know who we are.. who, in Heaven’s name, are you?

The Falconer: If you must know..

Announcer V/O: [ voice is sped up over Falconer slide cards ] In 1992, Ken Mortimer was an advertising executive in Baltimore, Maryland. Then, for reasons known only to him, he left his wife and career, and moved deep into the forest. Now, he is known only as.. “The Falconer”.

[ dissolve to The Falconer and Donald the Falcon standing peacefully in the forest ]

The Muskrateer: Well, Falconer! What are you doing on our parcel of land?!

The Falconer: Your parcel of land?! Donald and I have been calling this land home for nigh on eleven years!

The Muskrateer: It appears that we are at an impasse!

The Falconer: And how shall it be resolved?!

The Muskrateer: In accordance with the laws of the forest! My muskrat against your falcon, in a contest of strength, guile and speed! winner takes all!

The Falconer: Be it so! ] to Donald ] Donald, don’t be afraid to take it to the limit.. one more time!

[ Donald squawks ]

The Muskrateer: [ to his muskrat ] Tear him apart, Galen! Feather by feather! [ Galen squeals ]

The Falconer: Let the gaaaaaammmmes begin!!

[ dissolve to the contests – starts with Galen and Donald in a sack race; Galen in a sugar sack, Donald in a flour sack ]

[ dissolve to Galen and Donald running across the forest with eggs balanced on spoons ]

[ dissolve to Donald and Galen playing table hockey ]

[ dissolve to Donald and Galen competing with electronic robots, Donald knocking Galen’s robot’s head off ]

[ dissolve to Donald and Galen playing Scrabble – Glane spells out “Muskrateer”, which Donald challenges with the official Scrabble dictionary ]

[ dissolve to Donald and Galen playing quarters – Galen sips beers through a straw, then vomits profusely; Falcon squaks victoriously ]

[ dissolve to The Falconer and The Muskrateer surrounding their animal companions in the forest ]

The Muskrateer: Wellllllll.. Falconer! We find ourselves at an even draw, which brings us to our pre-determined tie-breaker!

The Falconer: So, it does, Muskrateer.. so it does! [ to Donald ] Donald.. remember your training!

[ Falcon and Muskrat have their finale over a game of Jenga; Falcon successfully moves his piece ]

The Falconer: Sweet Mariah!!

The Muskrateer: Galen.. whatever you do.. don’t visualize that tower collapsing!

[ Muskrat pulls his piece, but the tower topples; Falcon squawks victoriously ]

The Falconer: Victory is OURS!!

The Muskrateer: Falconer.. Donald.. it appears you have defeated us – this time.

The Falconer: Oh, Donald! Congratulations! We did it! [ Falcon squawks his disapproval ] Fine! You did it! Oh, Donald.. meanwhile, this little patch of heaven remains ours, for at least another day! And, until then.. you will be the Falcon.. and I will remain..

Announcer V/O: The Falconer!

[ scene fades to black ]

[ scene pots up from black to reveal Ashton Kutcher tearing off his fake beard and exiting the Falconer sketch. Tracy Morgan approaches him ]

Tracy Morgan: Hey, hey, hey! Big Daddy!

Ashton Kutcher: Alright, Tracy!

Tracy Morgan: Nice show so far, Ash-ton!

Ashton Kutcher: Oh, hey, man.. I’m sorry your sketch, “Big Black Guy” got cut out.

Tracy Morgan: Aw, don’t sweat it. I’ll do it next week – it’s perfect for Adrien Brody! Hey, man, I was flippin’ around, and I saw you on that show!

Ashton Kutcher: Oh, “The 70’s Show”!

Tracy Morgan: No, I don’t watch that crap! It’s that show where you play pranks on celebrities.

Ashton Kutcher: Ahhhh, you mean “Punk’d”?

Tracy Morgan: Yeah, yeah! I saw the one with Pink!

Ashton Kutcher: Ohhh.. yeah, yeah! Where she thought her boyfriend got arrested for stealing a motorcycle?

Tracy Morgan: [ laughing outrageously ] Yeah, she was scared! That was hi-lar-ious!

Ashton Kutcher: Wicked! Awesome!

Tracy Morgan: Hey, listen.. I got an idea for you.

Ashton Kutcher: Cool, what it is?

Tracy Morgan: You ever “Punk” me, and I will beat your ass!

Ashton Kutcher: [ laughs nervously ] Look.. don’t worry, Tracy..

Tracy Morgan: No, I ain’t playin’! I will beat your ass!

Ashton Kutcher: [ getting more nervous ] Look, I promise you, Tracy.. I’m not gonna do that.. I respect you too much..

Tracy Morgan: Oh, really? So, why are all these cameras around here?

Ashton Kutcher: [ looks at the cameras, confused ] Well.. they-they’re for the show.. “Saturday Night Live”.. [ chuckles nervously ] Look, I swear to you I would never do that to you! I respect you way too much!

Tracy Morgan: Yeah.. so, who you gonna punk? Dean?

[ Dean Edward enters scene looking pissed at the mention of his name ]

Dean Edwards: Yo! Who gonna “Punk” me?!

Tracy Morgan: Ash-ton! He said he gonna “Punk”.. you.. out!

Dean Edwards: Say what?

Ashton Kutcher: No! I did not say that! Tracy, tell him I did not say that!

Tracy Morgan: Not only is he gonna “Punk” you out, he’s gonna film it!

Ashton Kutcher: [ exasperated ] I am not!!

Dean Edwards: Well, then, what’s with all these cameras, man!

Tracy Morgan: Yeah! That’s what I said!

Ashton Kutcher: You guys..! Again.. they’re for the show! “Saturday Night.. Live..!” [ looks around desperately, as Lorne Michaels approaches ] Lorne!

Lorne Michaels: What’s wrong?

Tracy Morgan: He tryin’ to “Punk” us out on his hidden camera show!

Lorne Michaels: Bad idea, Ashton.

Ashton Kutcher: No! I am not trying to “Punk” him! Look.. this is all just a big misunderstanding.. They think that these cameras are from my show.. So.. just tell them..

Lorne Michaels: I’ve never seen these cameras before in my life.

Tracy Morgan: Oh, it’s on now, BITCH!!

Lorne Michaels: Ashton, I would run if I were you.

Ashton Kutcher: [ petrified ] Yes, sir..! [ runs like the wind ]

[ Tracy, Dean and Lorne all share a laugh over the way they “Punk’d” Ashton ]

Dean Edwards: [ to Tracy ] Yo! Did you how scared he was! [ laughs ]

Tracy Morgan: [ to Dean ] Sent his “Punk” ass back to the West Coast! [ laughs ]

Lorne Michaels: [ to Tracy and Dean ] We really fixed his wagon, huh, fellas! [ no response ] You don’t mess with the 2-1-2, huh? [ no response, hangs his head shamefully ] It’s an orange soda, right?

Tracy Morgan: [ nods ] Right.

Dean Edwards: Yo! Make that two, man!

Lorne Michaels: [ weakly ] Right.. [ walks away to perform his errand for his boys, then meekly re-approaches Dean ] When you say “two”, did you mean that you want two.. or is that one for Tracy.. and you want two for- [ Dean and Tracy give a dirty look, so Lorne retreats to take his chances ]

[ Tracy and Dean laugh and chat together as the scene fades ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 18

02r: Ashton Kutcher / 50 Cent

Count Chocula Silver

Count Chocula…..Jimmy Fallon
Wife…..Rachel Dratch
Doctor…..Will Forte

[ Open on shots of seniors playing horseshoes, then eating breakfast in the morning, as pleasant music plays ]

Jingle: It’s a golden way, to start your golden day …

Male V/O: Breakfast has always been the most important meal of the day. But in our later years, we need a cereal specially formulated to meet our changing needs.

[ Shot of cereal being poured into a bowl ]

Male V/O: So, if you’re an active senior looking to start the day right …

[ Shot of the product ]

Male V/O: … reach for a bowl of new Count Chocula Silver.

[ Dissolve to: Count Chocula in the front yard, playing fetch with his dog ]

Count Chocula: Atta boy, puppy, good dog. [ walks towards the camera ] Hi! I’m Count Chocula.

[ SUPER: “COUNT CHOCULA / Corporate Spokesman, Active Senior” ]

Count Chocula: You know, when you get to be my age, people start telling you to slow down. But the way I see it, I’m just getting started. Bwa-ah-ah-ah!

[ Dissolve to: Count Chocula indoors, at the table ]

Count Chocula: That’s why I developed new Count Chocula Silver. [ Close-up of the box ] It’s got the fiber and vitamins seniors need to reduce cholesterol and the risk of heart disease, because like it or not, there comes a time when you need to consider your health. [ he sets the box on the table ] You see, awhile back, I had a real scare.

[ Count Chocula narrates flashbacks of himself as somber music plays: he wakes up in the middle of the night and clutches his abdomen; he gets examined by the doctor ]

Count Chocula V/O: I was waking up with cramps. I was sluggish and irregular. I went to see my doctor and he told me that he was going to have to run some tests.

[ In the doctor’s office, the doctor displays a chart detailing the risk factor of Men, Vampires, and Chocolate Vampires ]

Count Chocula V/O: He said many men my age were at high risk for colon cancer, and that, as a Chocolate Vampire, my risk could be even higher.

[ He sits in the examination room, looking nervous ]

Count Chocula V/O: I’ll be honest … I was scared.

[ Back to him in the kitchen ]

Count Chocula: I mean, I’m 178 years old and … all I’ve ever eaten is sugar-coated crap. [ holds up a bowl ] Bowls of it.

[ Back to the examination room ]

Count Chocula V/O: When the doctor said he had the test results, my life flashed before my eyes. But then he said, [ the doctor mouths the words ] “Count Chocula, you’re fine.“

[ Back to Count Chocula sitting at the table with the cereal. The happy music resumes ]

Count Chocula: And I intend to stay that way, by keeping my colon healthy. You see, Count Chocula Silver works with your body, to keep you regular, gently softening your stool, while adding bulk to your movements for easier elimination. Plus … it has kooky marshmallow bats! Bwa-ah-ah-ah-ah! [ becomes serious ] Your health is your future. Make sure you’re around to enjoy it.

[ His wife and grandkids approach him as he eats, and he does his trademark laugh again. They all gather for a generic happy pose, followed by a final shot of the product ]

Jingle: …Count Chocula Silver!

Male V/O: Brought to you by General Mills, makers of Frankenberry for Post-Menopausal Women.

[ Fade out ]

Submitted by: G. Gomez

SNL Transcripts