…..Horatio Sanz …..Jimmy Fallon …..Chris Kattan …..Tracy Morgan
Horatio Sanz: About six months ago, we did a little Christmas song, and it was pretty fun. So, we asked if we could do it again. They said, “Come on, man, you can’t sing a Christmas song in May. Why don’t you sing a Memorail Day song?” So this is our Memorial Day song, which is not about Christmas.
One – Two – One, two, three, four!
“I don’t care if it’s Memorial Day, Christmas is still number one. I don’t care if it’s almost June, Christmas is much more fuuuuun.”
Horatio Sanz & Jimmy Fallon: “I don’t care if you think I’m a fool, I don’t care about Summer School. I wish it was Christmas today, I wish it was Christmas today.”
Horatio Sanz: “I don’t care what the scientists say, They don’t believe in Santa anyway. I don’t care what the psychologists say, I don’t care, it’s so far away.”
Horatio Sanz & Jimmy Fallon: “I don’t care about anything, Except hearin’ those sleigh bells ring-a-ding-ding. Even though it’s May, I wish it was Christmas today, Today and everyday!”
Brenda: So.. if my indicators are correct, our new Taj Mahal bath mat line is gonna be a big seller in our two target areas – the midwest, and the lower midwest. [ Nat claps sarcastically ] Is there a problem, Nat?
Nat: With you? Yeah.
Jerry: Come on, Nat. Brenda really worked hard on this.
Nat: People, we are the Number Two bath mat manufacturer in the U.S., okay? Our clients have come to expect quality bath mats. And you guys just blew it. [ stands ] Now, if you need me, I’ll be in my office – but please don’t need me. [ exits ]
Brenda: Wow. What has crawled up his butt?
Jerry: Yeah. That was ridiculous.
Chris: [ enters ] I just passed Nat Turnerson in the hall – can somebody tell me what has crawled up his butt?
Brenda: I know! That’s what I just said!
Jerry: Maybe he’s stressed out.
Rachel: He shouldn’t be – he just took a vacation.
Chris: A lot of good it did him.
Nat: [ re-enters ] Tell me – what is up with this mat? Is this the best this company can do? This is humiliating! I pay you.. for one thing.. to make the flattest, most affordable.. sweet mother of Mary! ..most absorbent floor quality fabric on the market, period! Oh, good God!! Help me!!
Chris: You know, Nat, some of us worked really hard on that campaign.
Rachel: Yeah, I was here ’til 5:00 this morning.
Brenda: Really, Nat, what has crawled up your butt?
Nat: Nothing! .. Good Lord! [ collapses onto the table ]
Brenda: Oh, my God!! Somebody call 911!!
[ cut to ambulance rushing Nat to the hospital ]
[ cut to Nat sitting in a hospital bed, surrounded by his co-workers and his doctor ]
Brenda: Nat, are you okay?
Nat: Hey, guys. I’m fine.
Chris: Doctor, what was wrong with him?
Doctor: Nat, here, was admitted with severe trauma to his butt.
Brenda: Do you mean –
Doctor: Yes, I do. Something has crawled up into it.
Jerry: Oh, my God! What was it?
Doctor: According to the X-rays, and my.. limited knowledge of wildlife, it appears to be a badger.
Brenda: A badger? Is that even possible?
Doctor: Apparently, it is.
Nat: I guess it happened on that camping trip I took last week..
[ flashback begins ]
[ camera shows a badger’s point of view, as he runs straight into Nat’s butt ]
Nat: [ startled ] What was that?!
[ birds and other wildlife scatter as the badger makes contact ]
[ flash back to the hospital scene ]
Jerry: So, did you get it out?
Doctor: I’m afraid not. At this juncture, surgery would be too risky for the badger.
Jerry: So what are you going to do now?
Doctor: We’re hoping to hold tight.. and hope the badger can turn around and find his way out. Until then.. all we can prescribe are painkillers and badger food.
Chris: Are you serious?
Doctor: Of course not. [ everyone laughs ] Painkillers.. could be risky for the badger. There’s one other option – we throw Nat in the back of my van.. and we all head back to my place.. put on some soft music, turn down the lights.. maybe a few candles.. I’ll whip up a Yankee pot roast.. which.. we will place next to Nat’s tailpipe. If there’s one thing a badger can’t resist.. it’s soft music, candlelight, and a pot roast.
Brenda: That almost sounds romantic.
Doctor: Believe me, it isn’t. When the badger smells that pot roast, he’s going to tear right on out of there. It’s hard to watch. [ pause ] Everybody ready? Let’s go! Come on! Give me a hand with this big guy!
[ everyone helps the Doctor remove Nat from the hospital room, as the scene fades to close ]
…..Conan O’Brien …..Tracy Morgan Paramedic…..Scott Wainio …..Max Weinberg Becky Weinberg
Conan O’Brien: Ladies and gentlemen, this is a really big night for me. As some of you may know, I started out as a writer, right here on “Saturday Night Live”, about ten years ago.. The whole time I was here, I just yearned to be a performer so much.. and, every now and then, they let me play a really small part. You know? And I’d get a few seconds of that sweet on-camera glory – Conan Time, I called it! No one else called it that.. It was small parts, but I did the best I could. Let’s take a moment now, to review some of my fine work.
[ Music Over: “Nobody Does It Better”, Carly Simon ]
[ tape reel plays clips: “Wait At The Bar”, “Waikiki Hockey”, “The Nude Talk Show, 5-Timer’s Monologue, and a scene of a horse; arrows point out Conan’s appearances in the clips ]
[ cut back to Conan in the studio ]
Conan O’Brien: Thank you! Obviously, a lot’s changed since then. I have my own show now – the 12:30 show, the “Late Night” show. In fact, the studio we tape my show in, is right here in this building, Rockefeller Center. It’s just two floors down from where we are now? Would you like to see it? Because I’m so proud that I have my own studio! It’ll be really cool, let’s go see my studio! [ walks through the hall backstage ] Hey, Tracy!
Tracy Morgan: My man! C.O.B.! What up, dog!
Conan O’Brien: Yeah, I’m going to show the audience my studio. Would you like to come?
Tracy Morgan: Yeah! No doubt! I’ve never seen a television studio before!
Conan O’Brien: Well, great! This’ll be great! Come on, let’s go! It’ll be great, you’ll love it.. [ continues down the hall ] Hey, look! Japanese tourists! Hi! [ they take his picture ] Cool. They have no idea who I am. Uh.. we’re going to go down to my studio, you want to go down to my studio? Come on, let’s go. [ Japanese Tourists follow Conan and Tracy, as he addresses them ] In my country, I’m a very big celebrity. That’s right.. I host my own show.. but now I’m hosting this other show tonight, that is very rare in America – only me and Leeza Gibbons! It’s a very rare honor. Come on, you’re gonna love this, it’s right around this way.. [ they’ve made their way to the next floor ] Isn’t this great?
Tracy Morgan: [ jazzed up ] The C.O.B. Studio!
Conan O’Brien: Yeah.
Tracy Morgan: Yeah! Are we gonna be on TV?
Conan O’Brien: Uh.. well, Tracy, you’re on TV now.
Tracy Morgan: Really?
Conan O’Brien: Yeah.
Tracy Morgan: [ moves closer to the camera and holds up his hands ] Brookyn in da house!!
Conan O’Brien: Okay, folks, come on, let’s keep it moving, alright? [ they continue down the hall, as they pass paramedics crouched over a heart attack victim ] Hey there, life-saving paramedics! You want to come see my studio?
Paramedic: Sure! Alright! [ they follow ]
Conan O’Brien: Great! Hey, how about you, Heart Attack Victim? [ no response ] His loss.. let’s go! [ sees his mom ] Hey, it’s my Mom! How are you! [ hugs her ] I can’t believe it! This is my Mom! What are you doing here?
Mom: I came to see you on “Saturday Night Live”, but I got lost.
Conan O’Brien: Oh. Well, I found you, that’s the important thing, Mom. I’m just taking all these wonderful people down to see my studio. You want to come?
Mom: I’d love to!
Conan O’Brien: Yeah, you’ve never seen it before – we’re very distant, yeah! [ Tracy puts his hand around Conan’s Mom ] Uh, get your hand off her, Tracy.. Alright, let’s go, this is great.. [ finally reaches the studio door ] This is my studio! 6-A, where it all happens. This is really cool, you’re gonna love it!
[ Conan opens the doors to his studio, only to find “Late Night” bandleader Max Weinberg straddled atop his desk making love to his wife, Becky ]
Conan O’Brien: Max!
Max Weinberg: Oh, hey, Conan! Hi, Mrs. O’Brien!
Conan O’Brien: Uh.. okay, yeah.. okay, great.. no, no, no, Max! You know, he does this on the weekends.. uh.. we’ll take a little break. When we come back, Don Henley is gonna be here – musical guest.. uh, stick around, we’ll be right back!
Martha Stewart: Crisp Irish linens, savory corn beef and cabbage, and hot buttery scones: the charming old world traditions of the Emerald Isle. Here in America we honor Saint Patrick, the Patron Saint of Ireland, by donning green, gaily parading, and getting crocked out of our gourds. I’m Martha Stewart. Join me today on “Living” where I’ll show you some innovative ways to class up this unbelievably trashy holiday.
These popular novelty buttons are poorly constructed and potentially offensive. [Holds up a button saying “Irish women do it for Guinness”] I’ll show you how to make a tasteful Saint Patrick’s Day ornament with home made paper and a piece of hand hewn leather. I used my calligraphy set to craft this folksy label pin. It says Canigahadagragaba which is Gallic for, “You must be Irish because my penis is Dublin.” It’s both quaint and humorous.
Nothing says St. Patty’s in America like putting Kelly Green food coloring into everything from potato salad to piss water beer. We’ll use basil clippings from my herb garden to make an all-natural flavorful dye. It not only tints beer this rich emerald color, it also lends a refreshing aroma to the inevitable post-parade curb-side barf. [takes a sip] Mmm. And who can resist making out with a green-tongued stranger. [sticks her green tongue out and winks]
And of course, St. Patrick’S celebrations are the ideal time to put all your favorite green vintage house wares to use. I patina-d this copper kettle and added a decorative handle to make it look like a traditional Leprechaun’s pot of gold. It makes the perfect receptacle for public urination. It’s really such more elegant than relieving yourself against a police car.
So join me later today for a very special “Living” when I try to inject a little decorum into this potato grubbing, ass grabbing, street brawl of a holiday. Because Saint Patrick’s Day isn’t just for the Irish. It’s also for Dirt Baggy alcoholics everywhere … and that’s a good thing.
[Irish music begins to play and Martha does a jig]
Martha Stewart: “LIVE FROM NEW YORK IT’S SATURDAY NIGHT!”
Calista Flockhart: Wow! Thanks! Thank you! I am so happy to be here and I am so happy to be hosting “Saturday Night Live”! You know, I’ve got to say that I love New York, but I also have to say that it is very expensive. Now I have been going to the ATM machine to get some money, and I pressed the wrong button and I accidentally voted for Buchanan.
(Enter Ally McBeal)
Ally McBeal: Hey, Calista. It’s me, Ally McBeal!
Calista Flockhart: Ally, Ally! What are you doing here, and why do you keep following me around?
Ally McBeal: I just can’t believe you are hosting “Saturday Night Live” without me! I mean, do you think that you would be hosting tonight if you were still doing Checkov on Broadway? I don’t think so! You need me!
Calista Flockhart: And you need a Zanax.
Ally McBeal: (gasps) How can you say that? I thought we had a good relationship!
Calista Flockhart: We do! I just can’t be with you all the time. I mean, you’re so neurotic, you’re weird, you’re idiosyncratic, you’re always freaking out about something and falling down. I mean, why do you act like that?
Ally McBeal: Like, like, like, like what?
Calista Flockhart: Like, like, like, like this!
Ally McBeal: I don’t have time for this, Calista! I need you to introduce me to Ricky Martin. He’s hot. I wonder if he’s dating anyone? How about Jimmy Fallon? Do you think he’s too young for me?
Calista Flockhart: See, Ally, this is the other thing. You are always too desperate. Guys do not like that, you need to calm down. And, oh, I don’t mean to be mean, Ally, but, for God’s sake, eat a burger!
Ally McBeal: (gasps) I, I am fine! This is just how I am!
Calista Flockhart: Oh, right. Whatever, Ally! Now, could you just let me get back to the show and we can talk about this later?
Ally McBeal: No! I want to talk about this now!
Together: What I, I, I don’t understand is, why I can’t be part of your life without feeling that you resent everything I do! All I want is to be appreciated for who I am! Is that too much to ask?”
Calista Flockhart: Alright, we have a great show! Ricky Martin is here! So, stick around, I will be right back!
A Message from the Vice-President of the United States
Dick Cheney…..Darrell Hammond
Dick Cheney: Good evening. I’m Vice President Dick Cheney, here to talk to you about energy. Earlier this week I unveiled the outlines of this administration’s energy policy, a policy which, sadly, has been lacking during the preceding eight years. This policy recognizes America’s growing energy needs and the fact that if our economy is to prosper, energy production is going to have to be increased. Now, some critics have complained that our policy doesn’t place enough emphasis on conservation. A few have even suggested that this is due to the influence of the petroleum industry, which they claim prefers increased consumption to more conservation. This accusation, in my opinion, is ill-informed and does a real disservice to this administration. I’m sorry, that outburst was uncalled for and beneath the dignity of my office. But, as you can see, it’s difficult for me to comment on these charges with out flying off the handle. First, because my personal integrity has been questioned; second, because my entire life has demonstrated a deep commitment to energy conservation. In fact, even my political opponents have acknowledged that I am one of the lowest energy people ever to hold this office. This is not by accident.
See, some years ago as part of my own effort to reduce energy waste, I decided to make a rigorous, thorough analysis of my personality, mannerisms and speaking style, and to eliminate any and all unnecessary nods, winks, shrugs, hand gestures, head movements and tone modulations with the goal of making my personality one-hundred percent energy efficient. Since that time, I’ve steadfastly remained in what I call “Basic Service” or “Energy Saving Mode,” making exceptions only for my eldest daughter’s wedding and, of course, the physical act of making love.
The energy savings have been dramatic. Let me give just one example. In the course of an ordinary five-minute conversation, the typical adult male expends 61 calories a minute. For comparison, actor Roberto Benigni during his acceptance speech at the Oscars two years ago used 47,000. (laughs) I use 2.1. Now, you may ask, does this affect my ability to communicate effectively? Not at all. Even in “Energy Saving Mode” I can convey any human emotion a situation requires.
For example, here’s ELATION: (reading from a card) “Are you joking. I’ve won the 60 million dollar power ball. I don’t believe it. This is a dream. Don’t wake me up.”
Here’s PANIC: (reading from another card) “For the love of God, please, someone help me. A dingo’s got my baby.” Total calories expended: 0.006.
Now, perhaps you are asking yourself: Can I make my own speech this energy efficient? Absolutely. Everything you need to know is contained in one 30-minute tape: “Basic Service: Vice President Dick Cheney’s guide to a flatter, more monotonous speaking style.” It’s part how to and part motivational speech, although it’ll be a somewhat low-key motivational speech. It costs $29.95, but let me state for the record: the profits from this tape do not go to me personally. They go to the big oil companies.
That’s all I have to say. Thank you, and, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“
President Ralph Nader…..Jimmy Fallon Devil…..Chris Parnell
[ open on Scenario III ]
Announcer: And now a Message From the President of the United States: Ralph Nader.
[ open on the Oval Office ]
President Ralph Nader: [ eye twitching ] Good evening, my fellow Americans. My great pleasure to address you at this time about unparalleled national stability and prosperity. My promise to dissolve a corporate political structure has resulted in great opportunities for all.
[ flying pigs suddenly pass over Ralph’s desk ]
Citizen groups, individual thinkers, have generated a tremendous capitol of ideas, information, and solutions tothe point of unprecedented surplus.
[ a pair of shivering devils stand next to Ralph’s desk ]
Our infrastructure has been rebuilt, the number of children in poverty has decreased, and we have a nation under an unshapely stable leadership, moving boldly to the future. Thank you all, and good night.
Devil: Hey, Ralph!
President Ralph Nader: Hello Devil.
Announcer: This has been a Message from President Ralph Nader.
President Al Gore…..Darrell Hammond Former President Bill Clinton…..Darrell Hammond
[ open on Scenario II ]
Announcer: And now a Message From the President of the United States:Al Gore.
[ open on the Oval Office – super computers behind the desk ]
President Al Gore: Good evening, America. Tonight I have some important issuesto briefly discuss, which is why I’ve secured this four-and-a-halfhour of primetime – you know, as I do every Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, andSuperbowl. Now, I want to pick up where I left off last time, with ourEconomics textbooks, page 326. Y’all are gonna need to get your homeworkout. You know, I was really disappointed in some of your performances onlast week’s pop quiz. Idaho, I’m looking in your direction.. Today, we’regonna focus on.. [ a big belly walks in front of the desk ] ..we’re gonna..we need to tend.. [ annoyed at the distraction ] Come on! Will you get outof here!
Former President Bill Clinton: Ooh, sorry, Teech! Are you on?
President Al Gore: Yes, I’m on!
Former President Bill Clinton: Let me guess.. Internet, blah blah..lock-box, blah blah.. I’m just kiddin’ ya! [ laughs ] Oh, by the way..[crushes beer can ] ..we’re out of beer!
President Al Gore: You said you’d be here for two weeks, you’ve beencrashing on this couch for two years! I swear —
Announcer: This has been a Message from President Al Gore.
[Open on establishing shot of Gracie Mansion at night]
Announcer: And now, a message from Mayor Rudolph Guiliani
[Fade in on Rudolph Guiliani sitting on a leather chair behind a fireplace with a vase of roses on an end table and a short, potted tree to his right]
Rudolph Guiliani: Good evening, New Yorkers. Im Rudolph Guiliani and this is my [Hammond is interrupted by the cheers and applause from the studio audience, so he starts his line over] Im Rudolph Guiliani and [indicates to the short potted tree to his right] this is my very good friend, Judith Nathan. [Judith peeks out from behind the potted tree and smiles and waves at the camera, then hides behind the tree again]. We gotta make this quick, cuz Judith is not supposed to be in here.
Theres been a great deal of press this week about my personal life, specifically that my very good friend, Judith Nathan, and I are deeply in love. Totally, for infinity, no takebacks, [pumps a fist in the air]: go Yankees! Secondly that my wife, Donna Hanover, is acting like a bratty little baby and refusing to allow my very good friend, Judith Nathan, into Gracie Mansion just because this is a [uses air quotes] quote, home that she [uses air quotes again] quote lives in. And thirdly, and most importantly, that my penis is broken [Judith peeks from behind the tree again, nods, and mouths Youre right, then gets back behind the tree].
Why cant the press[Hammond is again interrupted by the studio audience. He stops and shakes his head, then gets on with the rest of his lines]: Why cant the press focus on positive stories, like the inspirational story out of Los Angeles this week, of a man down on his luck who took matters into his own hands and changed his life for the better. Im, of course, talking about Robert Blake. Mr. Barretta, nicely done! [chuckles]: Wish I had the huevos. Thats right, thats right, but I want to assure my constituents that in spite all this controversy and negative press, Im very focused on my job. Just today, I attended the dedication ceremony for Judith Nathan Park, formerly known as Central Park. [laughs half-heartedly]: Im also working day and night to pass a statute that would make it illegal to write Comb-Over Jones on the back of your husbands windbreaker, knowing full well that he will be wearing said windbreaker at the dedication of Judith Nathan Park, formerly known as Central Park. So heres where Im at: 1) Im being humiliated every day in the papers, 2) My wife, Donna Hanover, is ruining all my windbreakers, and 3) I finally found a relationship that works, but my penis does not.
[Judith, for a third time, peeks from behind the tree, nodding to the last thing Guiliani said, then hides again. Guiliani looks off-screen to his left when he hears a very familiar voice]
Rudolph Guiliani: Oh, crap, here comes Hanover.
Donna Hanover: [from off-screen] Hey! Hey!
[Donna Hanover comes in, dressed in a black pantsuit, angrily wielding a baseball bat]
Donna Hanover: Hey! Hey! Hey! All right, all right. Where is she? Where is she? Where is she?
[Guiliani laughs as Judith makes her escape while hiding behind the potted tree. Donna scans the room wildly and does a double take when she notices the tree sneaking away]
Donna Hanover: Hey! Hey! I see that plant! [chases after the plant with baseball bat in hand]
[Guiliani laughs]
Rudolph Guiliani: What can I say? 57 with a combover and a broken penis and the ladies still fight over me. Ah! It must be the way I perform [zoom in on Guilianis face as he says the signature opening line for the show]: Live from New York, its Saturday Night!
President George W. Bush…..Will Ferrell Jenna Bush….Julia Stiles
President George W. Bush: I’m the President of the United States and I need a straight answer. Am I going to get the spy plane back? (Shakes magic 8 ball) “Ask again later!” You always do this to me, dammit! I’m the President!
(Intercom buzzes)
President George W. Bush: Yeah, what is it, Janet?
Voice of Janet: Sir, your daughter Jenna is here.
President George W. Bush: Send her in.
(Jenna Bush enters)
Jenna Bush: Hi Daddy!
President George W. Bush: Hey sweetie. (they hug) How are you doing? I was just attending to some very important foreign policy business. Now what’s this I hear about you getting in trouble down in Austin?
Jenna Bush: Oh, that, it was nothing. I was just hanging out at a bar with some friends and I got a ticket for underage drinking.
President George W. Bush: Now I am very disappointed in you. I got a lot of things to be thinking about with my new job. Heck, I just got finished with my first 100 days and I got 100 more to go! (laughs) I’m jokin’ around. I know that there’s three-hundred days in a year. But serious. I am serious here.
Jenna Bush: What is the big deal? I mean, I’m 19 and I drank a beer.
President George W. Bush: Well, in Texas they could put you to death for that.
Jenna Bush: Oh Daddy, gimme a break.
President George W. Bush: I mean, I don’t get it. You’re down in Texas, partyin’, thinkin’ everything is a big joke. I can’t believe you’re my daughter.
Jenna Bush: Of course I’m your daughter, Dad! Stop being so melodramaculous!
President George W. Bush: You’re the one being melodramaculous. Now I’m just trying to be compassionate. Now your mother and I are worried about you. She tells me your grades are slipping.
Jenna Bush: I have a 2.3.
President George W. Bush: 2.3! In Texas that’s legally drunk!
Jenna Bush: No, daddy, it’s my GPA.
(George W. Bush looks perplexed)
Jenna Bush: That’s Grade Point Average. A 2.3 is like a C plus.
President George W. Bush: C plus, that ain’t that bad! Hell, your mother’s overreacting. C plus! Hell, someone just earned a dinner at the Outback.
Jenna Bush: Really, Oh, the Outback? You’re not disappointed in me?
President George W. Bush: Heck no, heck no. In fact, come a little closer, let me tell you a story, tell you a little story about a guy with a C minus average, who was a failure in business, who was just fartin’ around down in Texas. Partyin’, drinkin’, doin’ blow. You know what happened to that guy?
Jenna Bush: No, what?
President George W. Bush: He went to jail, ’cause he was poor and Mexican.
(They laugh)
President George W. Bush: But there was another guy doing the same stuff. But his dad was in charge of the CIA, then vice-president, then president. Do you know what happened to him?
Jenna Bush: I think I do.
President George W. Bush: He became president. I’m talking about me.
Jenna Bush: Do you think I could be president some day?
President George W. Bush: Well you never know. Maybe you’ll one day sit here and say:
Together: “¡En Vivo Desde Nueva York, es Sabado En La Noche!“
