Month: October 2018

Amazing Time Savers

Janet Miles…..Heather Locklear
Richard Hayden…..Mike Myers
Caller #1…..Julia Sweeney
Caller #2…..
Caller #3…..Rob Schneider
Caller #4…..Adam Sandler

[ open on the set of the “Amazing Time Savers” infomercial, telephone operators and a bulb-packed map of the United States behind Janet and the product counter ]

Janet Miles: Hello, and welcome to “Amazing Time Savers”, your home shopping connection. I’m Janet Miles. As always, operators are standing by to take your calls. And you will certainly want to call my guest on today’s show. He brings with him an extraordinary, time-saving invention. But I’m gonna let him tell you all about it. Please welcome, Richard Hayden!

[ Richard comes out laughing excitedly, and stands beside his product ]

Richard Hayden: Thanks, Janet! Thanks for having me on this show. Now, Janet, do you like pasta?

Janet Miles: [ addressing her audience more than Richard ] I love pasta! But the problem is, I never have the time to make it.

Richard Hayden: Really? If I told you that you could have a good-tasting pasta meal, prepared in less than five minutes.. what would you say?

Janet Miles: I’d say you’re a few bricks shy of a load!

[ Janet and Richard laugh at her joke ]

Richard Hayden: Well, Janet, I’m not! [ laughs ] And you know what? I’m going to demonstrate my pasta-maker for you and your audience. Do you think your audience would like that?

[ the audience claps ]

Janet Miles: This I have to see! Now, this is a complicated process. Right, Richard?

Richard Hayden: No. My pasta-maker is easy to operate, because the directions are easy to follow.

Janet Miles: Well, we’ve heard that before: you buy an appliance with easy-to-follow directions, and you get it home, and you need a Ph.D to figure it out. Usually, this “easy direction” stuff is a big lie.. like the Holocaust! [ the phones ring wild, and the bulbs light up on the map ] Now, are your directions really easy to follow? Or is it just another Holocaust-type scam?

Richard Hayden: [ dumbfounded by Janet’s statements ] Uh.. they’re, uh.. they’re, uh.. easy to follow.. they, uh.. involve, uh.. three easy steps..

Janet Miles: Well, does the audience want to see these three easy steps to good-tasting pasta?

[ the audience relunctantly claps ]

Richard Hayden: O..kay.. Well, you just pour in the flour.. [ pours in the flour ] ..the egg and water mix.. [ pours in the egg and water ] ..and that’s it. Hit the button, and look. Here comes the pasta [ pasta starts coming out of the machine ].

Janet Miles: [ excited ] So incredible! And so fast! Well, let’s take some phone calls! I’m sure people want to find out more about this amazing machine! Caller, you’re on “Timesavers”!

Caller #1: [ shaken ] Are you insane?! Did you just say that the Holocaust was a lie?!

Janet Miles: Listen.. there is no way of ever knowing if the Holocaust actually happened. But we do know this is an amazing pasta-maker. Next caller. You’re on “Timesaver”!

Caller #2: This is unbelieveable..

Janet Miles: Isn’t it! That pasta came out in less that three minutes!

Caller #2: No! I mean, how when I first tuned in to the show, I told my husband how I thought you had crazy eyes.. then, like, a minute later, you said that thing about the Holocaust.. I was right. You are completely insane!

Janet Miles: [ chipper ] And so are you, if you don’t order this amazing pasta-maker! Thanks for your call! [ turning to Richard ] Well, Richard, this pasta-maker is truly amazing! And it’s made here in America, isn’t it?

Richard Hayden: Yes.. It’s.. it’s an American appliance that makes Italian food.

Janet Miles: [ amazed ] That’s great! Because, if you’re like me, you’re tired of buying from the Jap! [ more phones ring ] Everywhere you turn, it’s a Jap product. They’re taking over! At least with Pearl Harbor, we knew we were getting attacked.. but with this invasion of Nip products, it’s even sneakier, you know?

Richard Hayden: wanting badly to sneak out of the studio ] Uh.. yeah.. Well, it’s made here in the U.S.A., Janet.. And do you know what’s the best part? The price!

Janet Miles: Okay, here comes the catch.. this has to cost a lot of money. Your invention makes good-tasting pasta in under four minutes. It’s durable and so simple to use, even a Puerto Rican can figure it out! [ all the phones start ringing at once ] And it makes enough for a family of six. Now, this must cost at least $200. Am I right?

Richard Hayden: [ totally embarrassed ] Yeah.. uh.. I mean no. It’s much less.. it’s $39.95.. [ waving his hands in protest ] But I just want to say..

Janet Miles: I know. Let’s take some more calls and sell some pasta-makers! Caller, you’re on “Time Savers”!

Caller #3: [ speaks in Spanish ]

Janet Miles: Who, whoa, whoa! Pepe! Pepe! Slow down! We’ll have to find a Spanish-speaking operator to take your order. Next caller, you’re on “Timesavers”!

Caller #4: [ outraged ] Listen to me, you crazy bitch! I’m gonna find out where you live, and you will pay!!

Janet Miles: Me pay? Why don’t you pay, for one of these pasta-makers? [ addressing her audience ] You simply cannot go wrong at $39.95. Call now, because you couldn’t buy it cheaper off a drunken Indian! [ the phones go crazy, and Richard ducks for safety below the counter ] The orders are pouring in, and we’ll see you, next time on “Amazing Time Savers”!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

93t: Heather Locklear / Janet Jackson

Andy Rooney

Ed Bradley … Tim Meadows
Andy Rooney … Norm MacDonald

[Bumper for CBS’ TV newsmagazine “60 Minutes”: aticking stopwatch. Dissolve to correspondent EdBradley addressing the camera.]

Ed Bradley: As the old refrain goes, “Peoplewho need people are the luckiest people in the world.”And then – there’s Andy Rooney.

[Dissolve to elderly, graying weekly commentator AndyRooney who sits at the desk in his office, with hisjacket off and shirtsleeves rolled-up, addressing thecamera in his irritatingly snide, cadencedvoice.]

Andy Rooney: People are everywhere nowadays. Itseems like you can’t go anywhere without bumping intosome people. People follow you when you’re shopping.They ask you for directions. And, sometimes, they askyou what time it is. People never know what time itis. They have to ask you.

There are over four billion people in the world.That’s a lot of people. And I suppose most people likeeach other all right. But I don’t. Idon’t like people and I never have. Iguess that makes me bad.

Advertisers are always using people to help sell theirproducts. [holds a box of Kellogg’s Corn Flakescereal] Here’s something called corn flakes. It’s gota picture of some people on the box. I guess we’resupposed to think, “Well, these people likecorn flakes. I guess I will, too.” [sets box aside]But I don’t think that. I don’t like people. And Idon’t like pictures of people either.

There’s even a magazine now about people. [holds up acopy of People Magazine with a photo of ClintEastwood on the cover] It’s called “PeopleMagazine.” This issue has a picture of somefellow’s head on the cover. I’ll bet that’s a goodarticle. [sets magazine aside]

Here’s a box of letters from different people. [dumpsa large box of envelopes on the desktop] Seems there’snothing people enjoy more than writing me letters.[picks envelopes from the pile and holds them up tothe camera, one at a time] Here’s one from -Washington. This one’s from – Ohio. Here’s one from -North Dakota.

Here’s one from – Paris, Texas. Now, I don’t knowwhere Paris, Texas is – but I do knowthis — I’m getting pretty tired of cities inTexas naming themselves after cities in France.

Here’s one from Chicago. This one’s from Iowa. Here’sone from Iowa, too. Here’s one from Montana. Thisone’s from someplace called “Kansas City.” Here’s onefrom Montana. Here’s one from Arizona. This one’s fromLas Vegas. Here’s one from Virginia – and here’sanother one – from West Virginia. This one’sfrom Indiana. I don’t know where this one’sfrom – but it’s yellow and has a big stamp on it. Thisone’s from Colorado. Here’s one from Michigan.

I receive about one hundred of these letters everysingle day. I never open them. I don’t likeopening them. I set fire to them.

Then, I pour water on the box of burning letters toput it out the fire. Then, I take the whole mess and Idump it out of my window on the people below. Peopledon’t like that much. But I like doing it to them. Isuppose that makes me bad.

[Dissolve back to Ed Bradley, addressing thecamera.]

Ed Bradley: We’ll be back next week withanother edition of “60 Minutes.”

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

Heather Locklear’s Monologue

…..Heather Locklear
…..Phil Hartman
…..Kevin Nealon
…..Melanie Hutsell
…..Jay Leno
…..Chris Farley
Canteen Boy…..Adam Sandler

Heather Locklear: Well, this is an honor to be hosting the last show of the season, and it’s great to be here, away from the fairy tale world of “Melrose Place.”

[ Phil Hartman appears in the shadows offstage ]

Phil Hartman: Heather.

Heather Locklear: [ deterred ] What is it, Phil?

Phil Hartman: May I talk to you for a moment.

Heather Locklear: Sure! [ to the audience ] Excuse me a second. [ steps offstage ] This better be good, Phil!

Phil Hartman: Heather, I missed you last night. I thought you were coming over?

Heather Locklear: Well, you thought wrong.

Phil Hartman: [ outraged ] You were with Nealon, weren’t you!

Heather Locklear: [ annoyed ] How dare you! And what if I was? It’s none of your business! Excuse me! [ walks away ]

[ Kevin Nealon appears in the shadows on the other side of the stage ]

Kevin Nealon: Heather. Over here.

Heather Locklear: [ hugs Kevin ] Kevin, thank God!

Kevin Nealon: What’s wrong?

Heather Locklear: Just hold me, please hold me! [ curls up in Kevin’s arms ] It’s Phil. He knows everything about us!

Kevin Nealon: [ alarmed ] How?!

Heather Locklear: You tell me.

Kevin Nealon: [ sighs ] I’m gonna kill him! Right after “Update”, I’m gonna kill him!

Heather Locklear: Oh, just be careful.

Kevin Nealon: Oh, I will. [ walks away ]

[ Melanie Hutsell enters ]

Melanie Hutsell: Heather! Come here! Oh, I’m so glad I saw you!

Heather Locklear: Oh, well! Melanie, you were just terrific on rehearsals today!

Melanie Hutsell: [ touched ] Really? Oh, that means a lot to me!

Heather Locklear: [ laughs, then slaps Melanie’s face ] Don’t let it happen again!

Melanie Hutsell: [ surprised ] What!

Heather Locklear: You heard me! This is my show, just stay out of my way!

Melanie Hutsell: But, Heather, I thought that we were –

Heather Locklear: Don’t cross me, Melanie! Because when I’m done with you, all you’ll be left with is that proverbial wish – that you’d never been born! [ storms away ]

Melanie Hutsell: Oh, I hate her! I hate her! I HATE HER!! And, you know? Somebody needs to take care of that bitch!

[ Heather enters a backstage area, where she is stopped by Jay Leno ]

Jay Leno: Heather!

Heather Locklear: [ disgusted ] Not here, you idiot! How dare you! I thought I told you never to talk to me in public! Someone could have seen us!

Jay Leno: I’m sorry, but I thought you might want to see.. [ whips out manila envelope ] ..these!

Heather Locklear: Well, I don’t get it. What are these?

Jay Leno: Funny headlines! From newspapers from all over the country!

Heather Locklear: [ opens up envelope and laughs ] This is great! [ reads ] “Dead Man Drives Car”? I don’t believe that!

Jay Leno: It’s real, I swear! This are real, actual headlines!

Heather Locklear: If you are lying about this, Jay, I will destroy you and “The Tonight Show”! [ throws envelope at Jay and storms away ]

Jay Leno: [ shaken ] Fair enough..

[ Heather continues to walk backstage, where she runs into Chris Farley ]

Heather Locklear: Hello, Chris! Oh, you’re a sight for sore eyes, lover!

Chris Farley: [ turns around dramatically ] I told you! I have nothing left to say to you!

Heather Locklear: Look, Chris. I know we’ve had our troubles –

Chris Farley: Your trouble, Heather! And I don’t want anything to do with you!

Heather Locklear: Chris.. I don’t know exactly how to tell you this, but.. I’m pregnant.

Chris Farley: Is it even mine?

Heather Locklear: I saw the ultrasound, Chris. Trust me – it’s yours.

Chris Farley: Well, Heather, I don’t care any more!

Heather Locklear: Come back here! Don’t you turn your back on me! Don’t you dare turn your back on me!

Chris Farley: Shut.. up.. Heather! And go do your monologue! [ exits ]

Heather Locklear: Oh, I’ll do the monologue, Chris! And then I’ll finish you, and Leno, and all the rest of them! [ walks forward and pauses in front of Canteen Boy ] Isn’t that right, Canteen Boy?

Canteen Boy: [ meekly ] Uh.. yeah, Heather.. whatever floats your boat..

Heather Locklear: [ kisses Canteen boy on the lips, then exits ]

[ Melanie and Phil step forward again ]

Melanie Hutsell: Gosh, she’s really sad!

Phil Hartman: Yeah.. it’s a sickness!

Canteen Boy: I think you’re sick.

Phil Hartman: What?!

Canteen Boy: Nothing.

[ cut back to Heather on Home Base ]

Heather Locklear: Sorry about that! It took a little longer than I thought. Anyway, I have had a fantastic week, everyone here has been so terrific, it’s been great destroying them! Anyway, we’ve got a great show. Janet Jackson is here. Stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

93t: Heather Locklear / Janet Jackson

Melrose Place

Wayne Campbell…..Mike Myers
Amanda…..Heather Locklear
Jake…..Chris Farley
Jo…..Julia Sweeney
Billy…..Adam Sandler
Allison…..Melanie Hutsell
Jane…..David Spade
Matt…..Jay Mohr
Sydney…..Sarah Silverman
Michael…..Rob Schneider

[open on suburban home with title: “Aurora, Illinois”]

[fade to interior, with Wayne Campbell watching television on couch]

[“Melrose Place” theme song plays]

Wayne: All right, okay, man, “Melrose Place.” Bonus, man. I am totally, totally addicted to this show. It’s a babe-fest, man. Heather Lockler [growls], she’s the leader of the Bod Squad, man. Oh, Amanda, sweet Amanda. [yawns] She’s the woman of my dreams. [lies down on couch] Of my dreams. Of my…diddly-dum, diddly-dum, diddly-dum…[waves his fingers in front of his face to indicate the start of a dream sequence]

[distorted dissolve to Wayne yelling as he falls against a hypno-swirl with changing colors]

[distorted dissolve to Wayne waking up in a bed, still waving his fingers in front of his face]

Wayne: Diddly-dum, diddly-dum, diddly-dum. Oh, where am I? What the… [shot widens and he sees a blond head next to him] Oh, thank God, Garth. Garth! Wake up, come on man, it’s me, Wayne, wake up, come on Garth.

Amanda: [pulls covers off her head] Good morning, Wayne.

Wayne: [makes cartoonish sound of surprise] Schwing! [raises pelvis off bed] I’m not worthy! I’m not worthy! [makes fawning arm gesture]

Amanda: Cut the crap, tiger. Last night was okay, but don’t let it get to your head, Wayne. I’m an important advertising executive with an agency to run. And I have to get to work. [gets out of bed to reveal that she is already dressed in a mustard colored business suit] You better go before my boyfriend, Jake, finds you. [opens door]

Wayne: Jake? Jake? [walks out of door and into “Melrose Place” courtyard] I’m in “Melrose Place!” Cool, all right. The number one show for young adults, ages eighteen to thirty four. A tough little demographic to crack. Excellent, excellent, all right.

Jake: [coming down stairs] What are you doing in Amanda’s apartment?

Wayne: Hi Jake. Jake, I’m, ah, I’m the new handyman.

Jake: What do you mean?

Wayne: You know, I’m unclogging her pipes.

Jake: What are you getting at?

Wayne: I’ve been having sexual intercourse with Amanda, repeatedly in different positions for many, many hours.

Jake: What are you trying to say?

Wayne: That you’re a complete idiot.

Jake: Look, Amanda would never sleep with anyone except me.

Wayne: Sha, right. Okay. Hey, Chet, I watch the show all the time, you know, I mean, here’s a quarter, buy a clue. [flips a quarter to Jake, which Jake catches] All right, here you go. Yeah right.

[Jake exits stage right]

Amanda: [comes through door, now wearing a grey business suit] So, Wayne, I see you’ve met Jake. Oh, damn, I forgot my car keys. I’ll be right back. [goes back into apartment]

Wayne: Okay, hurry up though, eh? Wow, what a nice place. I wonder how much they pay in rent and stuff. Hey! [approaches Jo in the courtyard] It’s Jo, the hardened New York photographer who has seen it all.

Jo: Wayne, you’re new around here, so I’ll save you some heartache. I’m from New York, so I know how tough life can be. Amanda’s no good. She’s a mean, conniving bitch who will chew you up and spit you out. Stay away from her, Wayne.

Wayne: Okay, well, let me just say that I hear what you’re saying and I appreciate your concern, all right? Your thoughts are very well organized, presented clearly and concisely. But bear with me. Are you mental? It’s Heather Locklear! She’d give a dog a bone! Hello?

Jo: This would never happen in New York. [exits stage right]

[shot widens to show Billy and Allison sitting at a table]

Wayne: Oh! All right. Look who it is, man. It’s Billy and Allison, America’s most uninteresting couple.

Billy: Allison, I love you. When you’re not here, I miss you.

Allison: Billy, I love you. But I’m in advertising, and I have to go to work to the advertising agency. [stands and exits stage right]

Billy: Allison, come back. I miss you.

Wayne: Hold on, hold on. [sits down next to Billy] [fake sneezes] Ah-ah-ah-whipped! Ah-ah-ah-no-balls! Sorry, man, I seem to be allergic to emasculation. Oh, and by the way, Billy, close your mouth. You’re catching flies there, chief. [puts his hand under Billy’s chin and closes his mouth for him]

Billy: I better go after Allison. I miss her. [stands and exits stage right]

Wayne: All right. All right. Okay.

[Amanda comes through door, now wearing a canary yellow business suit]

Wayne: Hey, um, did you just change outfits?

Amanda: Huh?

Wayne: Nothing.

Amanda: Listen, you bastard. I have a very important meeting down at D&D. But maybe we can get away this weekend. Oh, damn! I forgot my portfolio that contains advertising documents. Which I need, because I’m a very important advertising executive. [goes back into apartment]

Wayne: Okay. Hurry back, all right? [hears somebody crying and follows the sound to find Jane sitting in a lounge chair, weeping into a magazine] What’s wrong, Jane?

Jane: I have the worst part on the show.

Wayne: Well, yeah. Next to Matt, the token gay guy.

Matt: [enters stage left] That’s me! Gotta go. [exits stage right]

Wayne: Okay. [waves]

Sydney: [enters stage left] Oh, boo-hoo, Jane, poor baby.

Michael: [enters stage right] Shut up, Sydney! Hey lighten up, Janie.

Wayne: Hey, it’s Michael, the no-good doctor, and Sydney, the psycho hose-beast. She may be a babe, but it’s major vagina dentata action. And I’m not talking about The Police’s unreleased fourth album.

Jane: Stay away from her, Wayne.

Sydney: Shut up. You’re my sister, not my mother. [attacks Jane]

Wayne: All right, catfight. Go at it, man! Excellent! Saucer of milk, table two. Ding-ding-ding! Rawr! All right, tear each other’s clothes off! Come on, tear it off! [to Michael] So, let me get this straight, man. You’re, like, this doctor, right? Who is married to this blonde, who had an affair with a redhead–the blonde’s sister–plus it was Hump Olympics with some chick down at the hospital?

Michael: That’s right, Wayne.

Wayne: Good work, my friend. This is cool.

[Amanda comes through door, now wearing a salmon business suit]

Wayne: Hey, Amanda, weren’t you just wearing a different color?

Amanda: Huh?

Wayne: Nothing.

Amanda: Listen, Wayne, I’m getting a little fed up with you, you bastard. You can’t just come waltzing into “Melrose Place” and take over my life, you bastard. I am an executive. An advertising executive. I have a job. A very important job. An advertising job, you bastard.

Wayne: Okay, but let me just say–

Amanda: Shut up, Wayne! [throws Wayne down on the table and kisses him]

Wayne: Excellent. All right. Okay.

Amanda: [waves her fingers in front of Wayne’s face] Diddly-dum, diddly-dum, diddly-dum.

Wayne: What? No, no-no! No diddly-dum! Amanda, I want to stay in “Melrose Place!” Come on, I’m not ready to go! Come on, no diddly-dum!

[dissolve to Wayne waking up on the couch]

Wayne: [waving his fingers in front of his face] Diddly-dum, diddly-dum… I guess it was all a dream. [peeks under his blanket] Or was it? [flings off the blanket to reveal that he is wearing the salmon business suit] Whoah! Whoah! Whoah! Whoah! Whoah! [fade to black]

Thanks to DavidK93 for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

93t: Heather Locklear / Janet Jackson

Goodnights

…..Heather Locklear

Heather Locklear: Thanks to Janet Jackson.. Jay Leno.. everybody here. It’s been a great show, a great week. Good night!

[ camera focuses momentarily on Phil Hartman on the right corner of the stage, as cast members take their turn hugging him goodbye ]

SNL Transcripts

The Flirt

Man in Bar…..Kevin Nealon
Beautiful Woman…..Heather Locklear
Guy next to Woman…..Chris Farley
Guy next to Man…..Norm MacDonald

[ open on interior, Wilson’s Bar ]

[ At the counter, Man in Bar sips his drink, then notices a Beautiful Woman smiling at him from the other side of the counter. She winks at him and makes a funny face; he winks back and makes a funny face of his own. ]

[ She holds up he drink and takes a sip; likewise, he holds up his drink and takes a sip, suave as ever. ]

[ She presses her finger to her lips, then points it at him; he puckers up, touches his lips, and holds his finger out. ]

[Intrigued, she pulls her nose high with her finger and snorts like a pig; engaged in the flirting action, he does the same. ]

[ Impressed that he followed up on that one, the Beautiful Woman grabs a pitcher of beer and chugs it down, as most of the beer spills across her chest, then she spits some of the beer out of her mouth; likeing what he sees, the Man in Bar also grabs a pitcher, chugs it down and chokes on the excess. ]

[ Still enjoying herself, the Beautiful Woman takes out a sketchpad and produces a drawing of the Man in Bar; he takes out his sketchpad, and also draws a picture of himself. ]

[ Testing to see how far he’ll go, she grabs the collar of the Guy next to her and kisses him on the lips, then looks across the bar for the reaction; challenged, the Man in Bar looks around, then grabs the Guy next to him and kisses him on the lips. ]
Guy next to Man: [ breaking free ] Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

[ The Beautiful Woman unhooks her bra, then pulls pulls it out of her dress and dangles it for the Man in Bar to see; unable to copy that, he grabs the Guy next to him again and gives him another kiss on the lips. ]

[ Thinking of a way to top herself, the Beatiful Woman takes out a bottle labeled “POISON” and takes a sip; determined not to lose pace, the Man in Bar takes out a bottle labeled “POISON” as well, and takes a sip. ]

[ The Beautiful Woman peels the label off of her bottle, to reveal a second label – “WATER”; worried, the Man in Bar cautiously peels the label off of his bottle, to reveal the label “REALLY BAD POISON”. When he sees it, he doubles over the bar and dies. ]

[ The Beautiful Woman walks over to the Man’s body, pulls out his wallet, then walks away. ]

SNL Transcripts

Eych!

Cat Owner…..Ellen Cleghorne

Cat Owner: Fluffy? [ places cat bowl with food next to Fluffy, who ignores it ] What’s wrong, Fluffy?

Fluffy: [ mouth opens wide ] Eych!

Cat Owner: Fluffy? Are you okay?

Fluffy: [ mouth opens wide a second time ] Eych!

Cat Owner: Poor Fluffy..

Fluffy: [ mouth opens wide again once again ] Eych!

[ the Cat Owner figures out what’s wrong and grabs some Eych! Hairball Remover ]

Announcer: Eych! It’s the only hairball remover that cats ask for.. by name.

[ three hairbell-clogged cats sing the Eych! jingle with the accompaniment of a bouncing ball ]

Cats: Eych! Eych! Eych! Eych!
Eych! Eych! Eych! Eych!
Eych! Eych! Eych! Eych!
Eych! Eych! Eych!
Eych! Eych! Eych! Eych!
Eych! Eych! Eych! Eych!
Eych! Eych! Eych! Eych! Eych!
Eych!

Announcer: Eych! Hasn’t your cat already asked for it?

Fluffy: [ finally coughs up a hairball ] Eych!

Announcer: Brought to you by Hyko, the makers of.. [ a diapered monkeys screams “IEEEE!” ] ..the diapers for monkeys.

SNL Transcripts

Coffee Talk

Linda Richman…..Mike Myers
Lila Klein…..Heather Locklear

Linda Richman: Welcome to Coffee Talk I’m your host Linda Richman. On this show we talk about coffee, New York, dawters, dawgs you know no big whoop just Coffee Talk. With me today celebrating her 54th birthday is my dear friend and landlady is Lila Klein. Happy Birthday Lila.

Lila Klein: Some birthday. I’m going through menopause my zorch is on fire.

Linda Richman: Interesting story. Lila and I grew up without a posh a pitin and now look at her. She’s a big real estate mucky muck.

Lila Klein: What can I say? I married well, went to school for my P.H.D. and came out with my M.R.S.

Linda Richman: That is some ring.

Lila Klein: It’s a canbarely.

Linda Richman: What’s a canbarely?

Lila Klein: I can barely lift it.

Linda Richman: Start.

Lila Klein: By the way Linda you lost some weight. Ypu’re too skinny, kind of oyskedot. You look like that Calvin Klein model. What’s her name? Peat Moss?

Linda Richman: Kate Moss. And I wish. I would love to be anorexic for 3 months just until I reach my goalweight. Okay the big news is that Barbra Streisand opened in Washington, and guess who’s got a ticket for when she comes to New York?

Lila Klein: I’m dying. I’m dying.

Linda Richman: Don’t die. I don’t want to have to clean it up.

Lila Klein: Anyway how did you get it?

Linda Richman: My sister’s husband Sid went to the same bungalow colony in the Catskills with the nephew of the guys who’s neighbor is Barbra’s booking agent’s father. It was a piece of cake.

Lila Klein: I’d do anything to see Barbra on stage, but that’s okay. I’ll just sit here in the corner in the dark and eat wet cigarettes like a dawg.

Linda Richman: Lila, here is the other ticket. Happy Birthday.

Lila Klein: You didn’t. I have to call my dawter(walks off set)

Linda Richman: I understand call your dawter. She’s beautiful say hello. I can’t believe she left, but she’s going to call her dawter, and now I’m a little verklempt. Talk amongst yourselves. I’ll give you a topic. The Morman Tabernackle Choir was neither Morman nor Tabernackle, nor a Choir Discuss! There I feel better. Okay let’s go to the phones the number is 555-4444. Give us a call we’ll talk you know no big whoop. Hello?

Caller #1: Hello my name is Tina Weena. and I was willing to spend…

Linda Richman: Wait, your name is Tina Weena?

Caller #1: Yeah Tina Weena. I use it to my advantage.

Linda Richman: I knew someone who’s first name was Nancy and her last name was Schiance. Nancy and Schiance. Hand to god. What parents do to children. I’ts a shanda na happa fech pooh pooh pooh fuh la tappa de prechs Nisch kia fecs midla capesta dech a scounchea grabiyuhnk goya fuz mirsco cyanahea provitzu a poonum. I’m not finished! Ye canahafa ofa yompkins se yenvon shumpkha de hamenschef will do a mitzvah from a miyah a zurfa and EIA SCHIENGEL! Hello you’re on Coffee Talk.

Caller #2: Hi Linda, I wanted to see Barbra, but I wouldn’t pay $350. for a ticket.

Linda Richman: Excuse me let me ask you a question would you pay $1 a day to hear Barbra sing?

Caller #2: Of course.

Linda Richman: Well that comes to $365 leaving you to get a baby sitter and dinner. It’s a bargoon. To take your negative comments elsewhere you nasty pig! We have time for one last call. Hello?

Caller #3: Linda, what’s that show called taped from Jersey? Is it Tuesday Morning.

Linda Richman: No it’s Live from New York it’s SATURDAY NIGHT!

(scene fades as the show begins)

Thanks to Bob for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
May 14th, 1994

Heather Locklear

Janet Jackson

Jay Leno

Janet Jackson, “Any Time, Any Place”

Coffee Talk

Recurring Characters: Linda Richman.

Heather Locklear’s Monologue

Recurring Characters: Canteen Boy.

Eych!

The hairball remover cats ask for by name.

Melrose Place

Wayne (Mike Myers) fantasizes he’s slept with Amanda (Locklear) in Melrose Place.

Recurring Characters: Wayne Campbell.

Hot Button

Recurring Characters: Clarence Thomas, Ted Kennedy.

Janet Jackson performs “Throb”

Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon

Homophobic Norm MacDonald thinks Kevin Nealon is making a pass at him.

Adam Sandler sings about his forbidden summer loves.

Recurring Characters: Captain Jim.

The Flirt

Man (Kevin Nealon) and woman (Locklear) one-up each other with silent flirts.

Andy Rooney

Andy Rooney (Norm MacDonald) shows off envelopes sent in by viewers.

Amazing Time Savers

Aamzing pasta maker is distracted by host’s (Locklear) racist remarks.

L’Homme d’Orgasme

Orgasm Guy’s (Rob Schneider) French cousin is just like him.

Recurring Characters: Orgasm Guy.

Janet Jackson performs “Any Time, Any Place”

So Long, Farewell

SNL’s recurring characters sing goodbye for the summer.

Recurring Characters: Lucy, Kristy, Tori Spelling, Ike Turner, Linda Richman, Zoraida, Richmeister, Pat, Matt Foley.

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

93s: John Goodman / The Pretenders

Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon

…..Kevin Nealon
…..David Spade

Kevin Nealon: Good evening, I’m Kevin Nealon.

Well, Nelson Mandela was elected President of South Africa this week. Mr. Mandela broke a long-stading political pattern: he went to jail before becoming a politician.

[ show picture of Paula Jones ]
And, in Washington this week, President Clinton desperately tried to get Whitewater back in the news.

After a medical examination following his caning, it was first thought that Michael Fay received an “extra” lash. But it just turned out to be his crack.

The U.S. House of Representatives narrowly passed a ban on assault weapons Thursday, after strong enough opposition was expressed by the National Rifle Association, as well as the United States Postal Workers Union.

And, in Europe, the 31-mile Chunnel opened up this week under the English Channel, connecting England and France. The tunnel houses a high-speed passenger train that experts estimate will allow some 7 million French people a year to get even farther away from EuroDisney.

For the grand opening, Queen Elizabeth and French President Mitterand got together and inaugurated the new Eurostar train. And, here in New York, a queen named Frenchie got drunk and urinated on the D Train.

Princess Diana threatened lawsuits this week against any British publication that prints topless photos of her taken on vacation in Spain last week. If published, it would be the first time in two years Prince Charles had seen her naked.

Kevin Nealon: And now, with a commentary, our new Music Correspondent David Spade. David?

David Spade: Aw, thank you! Thanks. People, there’s an epidemic going around the music industry that needs to be stopped. No, I’m not talking about chlamydia. But, good guess. No, I’m talking about spending hard-earned money to go see your favorite band in concert, and they have the nerve to not sing their biggest hits. It happens more often than you’d think, and I feel I must speak up.

For instance, six months ago I went to see Bob Segar. Now, after two-and-a-half hours, Mr. Segar walked off the stage without singing “Night Moves”. That was pure balls, ladies and gentlemen. It made me want to throw, like, a rock at, like, his head.

But it gets worse. I saw Men Without Hats. No “Safety Dance”. Pure balls. 100% nuts.

Even Barney doesn’t sing “I Love You, You Love Me” live. True story: I was in the mosh pit thinking, “Hmm.. if that’s not pure nads, I don’t know what is.”

On second thought, I do know what it is! When I was 22, I saw Big Country in concert, and, guess what? They didn’t even sing “Big Country”! Why else are you on the planet? It’s the name of your band, hard to forget! Huh? Yeah! What? Uh-huh!

Sometimes these old rockers – like The Stones or Rod Stewart – will throw you a medley crumb. I get five bars of “Brown Sugar” and “Tumblin’ Dice”, to make room for every song off the new album. By the way, when you’re at a show and the band says, “Here’s something from our new album, why don’t they just say, “Everyone, get up and go to the bathroom.”

And, any band that still includes a bass solo in their show – pure balls.

And, while we’re on the subject of testicles, remember when John Oates left Hall & Oates? This was the same kind of thinking that had Fisher Stevens break up with Michelle Pfeiffer so he could get prettier girls. By the way, I went to see Oates in concert. He opened up for the three-headed lobster boy at the circus. It was a good show. He did a “Maneater/Kiss On Your List” medley together, it wasn’t bad.

So, in closing, Kevin, in closing, I’m going to see Laura Branigan tomorrow night at Madison Square Garden, and, uh.. I have some advice for her: open and close with “Gloria”. Do it a couple times in between, alright? Thank you very much!

Kevin Nealon: David Spade, ladies and gentlemen.

Some disappointing news: a recent study reveals that eating a medium-sized bag of theater popcorn is equivalent to eating six Big Macs. A medium-sized bag of popcorn with butter flavoring is equivalent to eating eight Big Macs. A medium-sized bag of popcorm topped with butter and six Big Macs, is like eating fourteeen Big Macs.

New medical studies report that skin cancer cases have doubled in the past twnety years. They cite excessive suntanning as the main cause, and say the best way to cut harmful ultraviolet rays is with a thick cloud of cigarette smoke.

In other medical news, for the first time in North America, testing will begin on the RU-486 morning-after pill for women. If successful, testing will begin on the RU-487 pill for men. The pill prevents the man from waking up the next morning, running out the door saying, “I’ll call you. Really!”

Well, this Sunday night’s “60 Minutes” will mark the 500th commentary by Andy Rooney. Rooney will celebrate by complaining about clips from the previous 499 shows.

May 27th will mark the final broadcast of “The Arsenio Hall Show”. Hall will devote his full time to other interests – including movies, recording, and getting some stanky on his hang-down.

The Kentucky Derby was run earlier today, and the winner was Go For Gin, at 9 to 1. The long shot Quinella, paid $20,000 for a $2 bet, and the only ticket holder was Hillary Clinton.

Well, the Rolling Stones announced a new tour this week. Fans will be able to recognize their tour bus as the one doing 40 in the fast lane with its blinker on.

In an annual poll of radio stations, Paul McCartney’s “Yesterday” is still the most played radio song of all time. Over 6 milion times since 1965. And, amazingly enough, the #2 song is “Play That Funky Music, White Boy”.

In our final story, in observance of Mother’s Day, for the second year in a row, an NCI survey has named Kathie Lee Gifford the Nation’s Best Mother. But, after 23 years, the Baddest Mother is still Shaft. Happy Mother’s Day, Shaft!

Kevin Nealon: I’m Kevin Nealon, and that’s news to me.

SNL Transcripts