Month: October 2018

Jagger Ties The Knot

Priest…..Kevin Nealon
Mick Jagger…..Mike Myers
Keith Richards…..Dana Carvey

[ Music Intro: “Satisfaction”, “Rolling Stones” ]

[ show newspaper with headline, “Jagger Finally Ties The Knot” ]

[ dissolve to Bali ]

[ SUPER: “Bali” ]

[ dissolve to interior, church waiting room, where Mick Jagger stands waiting with Keith Richards ]

Priest: We’ll be ready in a few minutes, Mr. Jagger.

Mick Jagger: Thank you, Father. [ Priest exits ] Wow! I can’t believe it’s finally happening, Keith!

Keith Richards: [ puffing on an endless cigarette ] Yeah. You’re finally tying the knot. Yeah. [ chuckles ] Hey! You and Jerry taking the plunge, eh?

Mick Jagger: Well, she’s a great girl, Keith, what can I say? I met a girl who just swept me off of my feet, I’m flying!

Keith Richards: Hey, who’d’ve thought Mick Jagger, a married man? You know, I always figured you like the playboy type, right? [ laughs, choking on his cigarette ]

Mick Jagger: I liked it, alright. But now I’m just so in love. She’s gonna be Mrs. Jerry Jagger!

Keith Richards: Oh, you got your head in the clouds, boy.

Mick Jagger: [ laughs ] Keith. Here’s a little something for ya’, mate. [ hands Keith a small box ]

Keith Richards: Oh, no-

Mick Jagger: It’s for everybody in me wedding party.

Keith Richards: [ takes the box and opens it ]

Mick Jagger: I might as well tell you – it’s a travel alarm clock.

Keith Richards: Well, thanks, mate. That’s awfully nice of you. [ Mick is suddenly stiff ] Hey, Mick, what’s the matter?

Mick Jagger: Keith, I’m scared.

Keith Richards: About the wedding night? I mean, you’ve been, you know, you’ve been courting Jerry for twelve years, you know. All that tension built up.

Mick Jagger: What do I do, Keith? I mean.. what’s it like?

Keith Richards: [ chuckles ] Aw, it’s like the most beautiful night of your life.

Mick Jagger: But I’ll be so nervous!

Keith Richards: Well, look, you’ll both be nervous. But, then, you remember that you love each other, you know, and that you trust each other, and that you’ve had two kids together.

Mick Jagger: Yeah, righ.. yeah, right. But I don’t know, Keith. I’m afraid I won’t measure up to all the other nights we’ve slept together. Or to those videos of me having sex with other peo-ple.

Keith Richards: You gotta start worrying, because whateverh appens is gonna be alright, you know? I mean, ’cause you’ll be together, you know, holding each other like you’re one person. It’s the most beautiful feeling, you know. It’s hard to describe, really, partly because I’m drunk. But trust me, mate, trust me.

Mick Jagger: Something else that’s strange, Keith – you know, once I marry Jerry, I’m not allowed to sleep with nay other women.

Keith Richards: I know.

Mick Jagger: Or man.

Keith Richards: I know, mate, I know.

Mick Jagger: What’s that like?

Keith Richards: Well, you know, it worries you at first, you know, right? But then you realize it’s worth it for other things. I mean, like, you get a warm feeling when you’re at the studio, and you’ve been working hard all day, and you get a call, and it’s her. And you ask her, “Who?” You know, because you’re not sure. You don’t remember. But then, you have a guy that you pay, who reminds you who everyone is, and he tells you it’s your wife, your soulmate, your friend-for-life, and it just feels great.

Mick Jagger: Wow!

Keith Richards: Besides, there’s no law.. [ coughing ] ..no law that says you can’t still take a look, eh! [ laughing ]

Mick Jagger: Keith, you devil!

[ Priest walks back up ]

Priest: Mr. Jagger? We’re ready.

Mick Jagger: Okay. [ turns to Keith, does the rooster neck to psyche himself up ] How do I look?

Keith Richards: Dressed to kill, chap, dressed to kill. Good luck to you.

Mick Jagger: Alright, see you inside, Keith!

Keith Richards: Right. Right.

[ Mick enters the reception area, while Keith stands behind. Camera tightens in on Keith’s face, where we see tears streaming down his face as he continues to smoke his cigarette. ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
December 1st, 1990

John Goodman

Faith No More

None

Church Chat

Recurring Characters: Church Lady, Saddam Hussein.

John Goodman’s Monologue

Bad Idea Jeans

(Repeat) See: 09/29/90.

Annoying Traits

Jagger Ties The Knot

Recurring Characters: Mick Jagger, Keith Richards.

Player-With-Yourselves-Club

Faith No More performs “Epic”

The McLaughlin Group

Recurring Characters: John McLaughlin, Pat Buchanan.

Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

Food Chewing

Wayne’s World

Recurring Characters: Wayne Campbell, Garth Algar.

Faith No More performs “From Out of Nowhere”

Davy Crockett & Son

It’s Pat

Recurring Characters: Pat.

SNL Transcripts

Nikey Turkey

Spokesperson…..Chris Rock

[ open on a spray-painted kitchen scene, with family at table – rapper guys and rapper girls enter through door and window ]

Spokesperson: [ singing ]
“Holiday time, everyone, every brother
Shows up for dinner with my father and mother
Family at the table getting crazy and loud,
Saying..”

Grandmother at table: “Ain’t enough turkey to feed this crowd!

Family at table: The bird’s too small
To feed us all!”

[ turkey is revealed to have a pump on it, like a sneaker. Spokespersonpumps up the turkey. ]

Spokesperson: “But yo mamma says pump it!
Pump it up now!
Pump it!”

Rapper guys: “Get a Nikey Turkey and pump it!”

Rapper girls: “Make it big now!”

Spokesperson: “Pump it!”

Rapper girls: Pump it up! Pump it up!

[ Cut to next scene: Super: “Massachusetts, 1620.” Spray painted sign of Plymouth Rock, then to colonial America scene, Spokesperson and family are dressed as pilgrims, rapper guys and girls are dressed as Indians. ]

Spokesperson: “The first turkey dinner was 1620
The pilgrims had it in the land of plenty
Nothing was chill with the harvest down,
But the red brother knew he had enough to go around
He knew to pump it!”

[ rapper guy pumps up turkey ]

“Pump it up now!
Pump the bird!
Pump it!”

Rapper girls: “Make it big now!
Pump it!
Pump it up! Pump it up!”

[ back to the kitchen scene, everyone is dressed the same way they werebefore in the kitchen scene. ]

Spokesperson: “So if your holiday table ain’t looking too full,
Get a Nikey Turkey-it’s adjustable,
And pump it!
Pump it up! Pump it up!”

Announcer: If it doesn’t say Nikey, it’s not a turkey.

Thanks to Tony DuMontfor this transcript.

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
November 17th, 1990

Dennis Hopper

Paul Simon

Bert Parks

Live With Regis & Kathie Lee

Recurring Characters: Regis Philbin, Kathie Lee Gifford.

Dennis Hopper’s Monologue

Nikey Turkey

Toonces Dreams

Recurring Characters: Toonces the Cat.

Inflatable Dolls

Paul Simon performs “The Obvious Child”

Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

Liaison Mocking

The Civil War

Paul Simon performs “Proof”

What Animal Were You Raised By?

Schillervision

Stan Duffy’s Gambling To Win

Paul Simon performs “Late in the Evening”

SNL Transcripts

Simon

Simon…..Mike Myers

[ open on montage of Simon’s drawings ]

Jingle: “Well, you know my name is Simon
and I like to do drawerings.
I like to draw all day long
so come and do drawerings with me.
Come and do drawerings with me!”

[ dissolve to Simon sitting in his bathtub covered in bubbles, eager to see the audience ]

Simon: Hello! My name is Simon! I like to do drawerings! I’m having my bath now! Every day at five, a lady comes and bathes me! don’t look at my bum! Don’t look at my bum! I don’t look at your bum, bum-looker! Cheeky monkey! Where was I? Oh, yes. I like to do drawerings! My Daddy works for a big American company – he’s ever so nice! He travels all aorund the world, and he always takes me with him! Every day he goes to work, and every day I stay in the hotel and do drawerings! At night, he tucks me in and says, “Are you my little Simon?” And I say, “I am!” And then, in the morning, he says, “Are you still my little Simon?” And I say, “I still am!” And then he goes to work, and the cycle continues! So you see, I get to see a lot of him.. although, sometimes, I think he forgets he has a little boy. But still, he buys me any toy I want! Once, he bought me Action Man, which is like the British version of G.I. Joe, except that Action Man has to serve in Northern Ireland!

Do you want to see a drawering of my Daddy? Do you, do you? You do! [ takes out drawing ] Here he is! It’s my Dad – by himself, without his son, as usual. I can drawer him in twelve strokes! I’ve been around the world with my Daddy – Paris, Cairo, New York, the Soviet Union.. I can take you there right now, with my drawerings, if you like! Around the world in seventy strokes! Do you want to come with me? Do you? Do you? [ audience applauds ] You’re ever so nice! [ pulls out drawing of Paris, as seen from inside a hotel room ] Alright, this is Paris, alright? The City of Light. We had a great hotel room, with a great view! There’s the Eiffel Tower, there’s the Arc de Triomphe. Alright, then.. [ bends back to grab drawing of Cairo from the hotel room ] Don’t look at my bum! I caught you sneaking a peak, cheeky monkeys, all of you! [ holds up Cairo drawing ] Here’s Cairo! We had a great hotel room, ’cause they were always giving us grapes! I love grapes! Grapes’ my favorite food, it’s what Tarzan would eat! THere’s the Pyramids. [ reaches back, holding his gaze on the audience ] And, finally.. bum-looker! [ holds up drawing of New York ] Finally, here’s New York! I didn’t like New York – people were always washing windows.. and when you could see out, all you could see was across the street to another building. Daddy says it’s the financial capitol of the world, where people’s lives are bought and sold every day like, so much human cattle! But all I could see were other windows! I think New York is vastly overrated.

[ chimes sound ]

Oh! It’s time for letters! Brilliant! Okay, the first letter is from John Proctor, from Betchley-Upon-Thump in Yorkshire.. [ show letter ] ..and he writes: “Dear Simon, How come we never see your Mummy?” Well.. Daddy said Mummy’s with the angels. I used to be able to draw my Mummy at nine strokes, but I can’t remember what her face looks like any more.. Oh, don’t be sad! You can’t be sad! It gives me great artistic license! I could puts horns on her, put wheels on her, make her twenty feet tall! Who’s to know! The next letter is from Robin Hughes, from Llandudno-Gloch-Lluwellan-Llwichy-Llan, which I believe is in Wales! [ show letter ] And she writes: “Dear Simon, Why are all your drawerings from hotel rooms?” Well, Robin, as you can imagine, I get asked that question a lot! The reason is: I never get out of the hotel room! One of the ladies who bathes me said a word: “neglect”. But I’m not sure what that means.

Well, it’s itme to go, I’m starting to get prune hands! I can’t do my drawerings when I’ve got prune hands! Pretty soon, Lumella, the lady who bathes me, is gonna come in and make sure I washed everywhere, especially my bits and pieces! Cheeky monkey! Alright, goodbye everybody, bye!

[ Simon finishes bathing, as scene dissolves to closing montage of Simon’s drawings ]

Jingle: “Well, you know my name is Simon
and I like to do drawerings.”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Verbal Reversals

Partner…..Dana Carvey
Frank…..Jimmy Smits
Detective…..Chris Farley

[ open on interior, Precinct 17 Squad Room, as detective partners put away their report files ]

Partner: Well. I guess that case is finished.

Frank: Or maybe it’s.. just beginning.

Partner: [ chuckles ] No, it’s finished. Remember? We finished it.

Frank: In a way.. maybe it.. finished us.

Partner: [ chuckles ] Well.. I just know I, you know, wouldn’t want to go through that again. I think it might drive us crazy.

Frank: Or keep us sane.

[ they sit down at their desk ]

Partner: Well, anyway, we solved the case. I guess that’s what really matters.

Frank: Well.. did we solve the case? Or.. did the case solve us?

Partner: Wha-what do you mean? That doesn’t even make sense!

Frank: Sometimes, the things that don’t make sense.. make the most sense of all.

[ pause ]

Partner: Well.. well, I wouldn’t know about that. [ grimaces as he drinks from a cup of coffee ] I do know that this is the worst coffee I’ve ever had.

Frank: Or maybe the best.

Partner: [ annoyed ] You know something, Frank? Whenever anyone says anything, you’ve gotta say the opposite, just to make yourself look smart!

Frank: Or maybe to look dumb.

Partner: You’re doing it again!

Frank: Am I?

Partner: [ angry ] I’m going to have to kill you.

Frank: Maybe by killing me, you’ll be giving me life.

Partner: Stop it! Stop it right now!

Frank: Maybe by stopping it now, I’ll be continuing later.

Partner: [ shoots Frank in the heart ]

Frank: Maybe- [ drops dead, facefirst across the desk ]

[ Detective walks up ]

Detective: Killed your partner, huh?

Partner: Yeah. But.. maybe in a way, my partner killed me.

Detective: Uh-oh. Now you’re doing it.

Partner: Maybe by doing it, I’m.. not.. doing it.

Detective: Only, you’re not as good at it. [ a beat ] Hey, let’s get a bite to eat. [ eyes spark ] Or.. let’s let a bite.. get.. us.. something to eat.

[ they nod at each other and smile satisfactorily to fade ]

SNL Transcripts

NBC News Employees

Robin Fletcher…..Julia Sweeney
Kathy…..Jan Hooks
Dan…..Phil Hartman
Executive #1…..Dana Carvey
Executive #2…..Mike Myers
Antonio Mendoza…..Jimmy Smits
Delivery Boy…..Rob Schneider
…..Bob Costas
Secretary…..Victoria Jackson

[ open on live footage of Robin Fletcher delivering news rport ]

Robin Fletcher: The fighting, for now, is over. But, for the people of Nicauragua, that is small consideraton. This is Robin Fletcher for NBC News, reporting from Managua, Nicaragua.

[ TV is turned off, zoom out to reveal NBC News employees watching with interest ]

Kathy: What do you think?

Dan: Well, it’s a nice report.. but is this the week to cover.. [ thick-accented ] ..Neek-o-rah-gwa?

Kathy: Well.. I think Neek-o-rah-gwa is important. But not just Neek-o-rah-gwa but, also.. Han-der-us! And, especially.. El Salv-uh-door!

Executive #1: But wasn’t the big story the defeat of Hor-tay-ga! And.. the fall of the san-duh-nees-tahs!

Executive #2: Excuse me, everybody, I’d like you to meet our new Economics correspondent.. Han-toe-nee-o Man-dos-ah!

Antonio Mendoza: Or.. Antonio Mendoza.

Kathy: Oh, it’s nice to meet you, Han-toe-nee-o!

Dan: I’m sorry. Is it Man-dos-ah? Or Min-doz-ah?

Antonio Mendoza: Mendoza.. just Mendoza.

Executive #1: Well, Han-toe-nee-o.. um.. Kathy here was just talking about our coverage of Neek-o-rah-gwa.

Antonio Mendoza: Yeah, well, I think that the economic development in that region is going to be a real big story.

Dan: Yes, especially now that they don’t have to worry about the.. Coin-trahs!

Antonio Mendoza: Yeah.

[ Delivery Boy enters ]

Delivery Boy: Food delivery?

Executive #1: Oh, great! Yes, yes! Right here! Okay.

Dan: Han-toe-nee-o, please, fell free. We always order too much food.

Antonio Mendoza: No.. thank you, thank you very much.

Executive #1: [ examining the orders ] Okay.. alright. Who had the an-chee-lah-dahs?

Kathy: Oh, that’s me.

Executive #1: Okay.. we also have a comibnation bean bar-r-r-r-r-r-ee-toe.. and chee-lee-con-car-nay!

Dan: Well.. I had a bar-ee-toe.. and gway-vos-con-chair-ohs.

Executive #1: Oh.. [ looking ] They’re no gawy-vos. They must have screwed up.

Executive #2: Han-toe-nee-o, you’re welcome to have my chee-lee-con-car-r-r-r-r-nay!

Antonio Mendoza: Uh.. no.. no, thanks. Say, you guys really like Latino food, huh?

Executive #1: [ laughs ] Well, you know, I grew up in Las-Hang-o-lees!

[ Bob Costas enters room ]

Bob Costas: Hey, guys.

All: Hey! Bob! Bob!

Bob Costas: I heard you had some an-chee-lah-dahs!

Kathy: Oh, man! We got some dynamite cheem-ee-chang-ahs, too!

Bob Costas: Oh, great! Great! Can I dig in?

Kathy: Sure!

Dan: Bob, this is our Economics correspondent, Han-toe-nee-o Man-dos-ah!

Antonio Mendoza: [ chuckling ] Antonio Mendoza.

Dan: Han-toe-nee-o – Bob Coast-ahs!

Bob Coastas: Nice to see you.

Executive #1: So, Bob, you got any hot picks for us this weekend?

Bob Costas: Well, I like-a De Brawn-cose!

Dan: [ laughing hysterically ] De Brawn-cose?! You’re nuts! No way De Brawn-cose beat Sohn Dee-a-go in Sohn Dee-a-go! You’re out of your mind!

Bob Costas: Oh, what! And this is the guy who picked Tom-paw Bay by six over Sohn Frohn-sees-co!

Dan: Okay.. okay..

[ Secretary enters room ]

Secretary: Dan.. I’m sorry I couldn’t find the file on.. Coast-ah Ree-co! And, also, the garage called, and they said someone left their lights on – a blue Cah-mah-row!

Bob Costas: Oh, geez! That’s me! [ running ] Save me some gway-vos-con-chair-ohs! [ runs out of room ]

Antonio Mendoza: You know, I-I-I’m sorry.. I’m just noticing that you guys are really up on your Spanish pronunciations. [ everyone expresses theiir gratitude ] But.. if you don’t mind me saying so.. sometimes these Spanish words, when you take them and you sort of kind of overpromounce them.. it’s really kind of annoying.

Executive #2: [ surprised ] Really?

Dan: Well, give us an example.

Antonio Mendoza: Okay. Well, what do you call the kind of storm you get with high winds and a big funnel cloud?

Dan: [ chuckles ] A tour-nah-do! Why?

Antonio Mendoza: [ shakes head ] Never mind.. never mind. [ a beat ] You know, on second thought, I think I will have an enchilada.

Executive #1: Uh.. a what?

Antonio Mendoza: An enchilada.. I’ll have an enchilada.

Dan: I’m sorry?

Antonio Mendoza: An an-chee-lah-dah! Now everyone understands what he wants ] Han-toe-nee-o Man-dose-ah would like an an-chee-lah-dah!! It would very moo-wee bwain-oh because Han-toe-nee-o is very hahn-gree!! Yeah, it would make him feel r-r-r-ree-lee goo-id to have an AN-CHEE-LAH-DAH!!!

Executive #1: [ whispers to Executive #2 ] Hey, this guy’s alright!

[ zoom out to fade ]

SNL Transcripts

The Dark Side with Nat X

Nat X…..Chris Rock
…..Jimmy Smits
Sandman…..Chris Farley
Gerry Cooney…..Kevin Nealon

Announcer: Live, from Compton, California – a city so bad, it has a drive-by shooting lane! It’s “The Dark Side With Nat X”. The only show on TV written by a brother, produced by a brother, and starring a brother! Now, get ready for a man so black, he goes to funerals naked – step back, ’cause he-e-e-e-ere’s Nat!

Nat X: Peace, brothers and sisters, and welcome to the show! I’m your host, Nat X! In the next 15 minutes – that’s right, this is the only 15-minute show on TV. Why? Because the man would never give a brother like me a whole half-hour! The man will give Pat Sajak, Joan Rivers and Rick Dees an hour! But a brother like me, no way! I think we all know who the man is! I’m talking about the same man who calls all his bad children the black sheep! I’m talking about the same man who made the black jellybean the worst tasting candy on Earth!

Alright, y’all. It’s about time for the Top Five! Why five? Because the man would never give me ten of anything! I’ lucky to get five! Tonight: The Top Five Reasons White People Can’t Dance.

Reason #5: Too busy counting their money.
Reason #4: Too busy counting my money.
Reason #3: Small thighs make it too hard to dip.
Reason #2: They’re inferior.
And the #1 Reason White People Cannot Dance: Well, they can, they just waiting for the Waltz to come back.

And that’s the Top Five – that’s all I could get from Whitey right now!

[ suddenly camera zooms in on Nat, with siren sound effects ]

Oh, no! Here it come! There go the White-Man Cam! Get outta here! Get outta here!!

[ graphic image of jail bars appear in front of Nat, as he mimes being in prison ]

The White-Man Cam! You know, I haven’t had that much fun since I saw Weezie Jefferson naked!

Our first guest tonight plays attorney Victor Fuentes on NBC’s hit televiison “L.A. Law”! Please welcome Jimmy Smits!

[ Jimmy Smits enters set, takes a seat ]

Nat X: Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy.

Jimmy Smits: How you doing, Nat?

Nat X: Could you tell the brothers what’s going on?

Jimmy Smits: Well, you know, things couldn’t be better. “L.A. Law” won an Emmy this year for Best Dramatic Series. [ audience applauds ] Thanks. And, you know, I’m looking forward to many, many more.

Nat X: Alright, I got a question. How do they treat you out there? I mean, do they let you eat with them?

Jimmy Smits: [ laughs ] Yeah, yeah! I eat with the whole cast, we all eat together.

Nat X: Alright. But do they treat you like a person? I mean, when something’s missing on the set, I betcha they come after you first!

Jimmy Smits: No, no, no, Nat. Nat, it’s not like that. Everyone treats me great. Susan Dey, Corbin Bernsen, the whole cast, it’s great.

Nat X: Alright, alright. Do they know you’re not white?

Jimmy Smits: Uh.. I-I think that’s- Yeah, they know that.

Nat X: Then, they blame the black guy, then!

Jimmy Smits: [ laughs ] No, Nat. We’re like a family. You know, we’re together, there’s a lot of love – everybody’s cool to each other.

Nat X: Fine, fine, fine. I got a question for you. I got a question for you.

Jimmy Smits: Okay.

Nat X: Do you need any quarters?

Jimmy Smits: No. Why would I need any quarters?

Nat X: Well, since you got your brain washed, I thought you might want to get it dried! Sandman, get him outta here!!

Jimmy Smits: Yo, yo, yo, listen!

[ Sandman the Clown enters and “sweeps” Jimmy Smits off the set ]

Nat X: Wake up, boy! Wake up, boy! The revolution will NOT be televised!! Get him outta here!! [ calms down ] Okay. We had to get rid of him! Our next guest is a professional boxer, and a regular on this show! He’s one of my favorites! Let’s give a welcome to the Great White Hope – Gerry Cooney!

[ Gerry Cooney saunters onto the set ]

Nat X: Well, Gerry, Gerry, Gerry. It’s a great pleasure to see you again!

Gerry Cooney: Well, thank you, Mr. X, it’s great to back on your show.

Nat X: I bet it is great to be back on my show. This is the only time you can get this close to a black man without gettin’ your ass kicked! Sandman, give me a total! [ Sandman pulls a lever, as the numbers roll ] $32,680,560,000!

Gerry Cooney: Mmm. What is that, a telethon thing?

Nat X: No, that’s how much white people lost betting on you!

Gerry Cooney: Hmm.

Nat X: Now, let’s see some clips!

[ boxing clips show Gerry Cooney being knocked down by various black boxers; Nat whoops and hollars with joy as each knockout occurs ]

Nat X: Boy, you sure can’t fight! Boy, I betcha that brings back some memories, huh?

Gerry Cooney: Oh, it sure does.

Nat X: I got an idea, I got a idea. Why don’t you fight Mike Tyson!

Gerry Cooney: [ thinking ] Yeah.. okay. Okay!

Nat X: Alright! You heard it here! Cooney & Tyson! Alright!

Gerry Cooney: Yeah, all I can say is, Tyson better be ready! He better be ready!

Nat X: [ excited ] Oooohhh, I can’t wait to see that!

Gerry Cooney: He better be ready.

[ close music pots up ]

Nat X: Wow! I guess our 15 minutes is up! Check us out next week, with Stupid White Tricks. You know, I gotta disappear, so the white man can do his newscast. Check us out again, Gerry Cooney will be back. Peace!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 16: Episode 5

90e: Jimmy Smits / World Party

Chia Head

Man…..Kevin Nealon
Businessman…..Phil Hartman
Teenager…..David Spade
Black Man…..Chris Rock
Wife…..Jan Hooks

(Fade in to balding Man in bathroom looking in a mirror at what little hair he has)

Announcer: You look good now, but you could look better.

(Man combs hair, then it cuts to him opening his medicine cabinet and taking out some hair replacement products and throwing them in a wastebasket)

Announcer: You’ve tried all the hair replacement products, but nothing seems to work.

(Cut to man putting on a toupee and looking in the mirror for a few seconds before taking it off in frustration)

Announcer: Well, now there’s a solution.

(Cut to product)

Announcer: It’s Chia Head.

(Cut to a group of scientists working on the head of a subject)

Announcer: Scientists and gardeners at the Chia Institute in Chia, Wisconsin have finally found the answer to male baldness.

(Cut to Man applying a mud-like substance to his head)

Announcer: It’s quick and easy to use. Just apply the scientifically formulated Chia mud to your scalp…

(Cut to Man shaking seeds onto his scalp)

Announcer: …then, add the Chia seeds…

(Cut to Man pouring water from a watering can onto his head)

Announcer: …sprinkle with water…

(Cut to man going to bed)

Announcer: …and get a good night’s sleep.

(Cut to next morning. Man’s scalp is now covered in chia sprouts. He wakes up, feels his new hair, looks in a mirror, and rubs it in pride.)

Announcer: You’ll see results immediately. And with your full head of Chia hair, you’ll attack the day with new confidence.

(Cut to Businessman in office)

Announcer: Here’s what our clients are saying.

Businessman: Let’s be frank. It’s an unfair world, and personal appearance does matter.

(Cut to teenager with Chia hair in a grungy style)

Teenager: Going bald at 16 was tough on me, but now… (runs fingers through Chia hair) …I feel like one of the guys again.

(Cut to Black Man with Chia hair in a high-cut afro)

Black Man: A lot of products make a lot of promises. But I can tell you, Chia Head actually works.

(Cut to Man and his Wife on a couch. Man picks a flower from his Chia hair. He shows it to his Wife, who smiles and kisses him)

Announcer: So if you have male pattern baldness, get the edge.

(Cut to all four clients)

All: The Chia edge!

(Cut to product)

Announcer: Do not expose Chia wigs to direct sunlight. Excessive moisture may hasten decomposition. Not to be used in salads.

(FADE OUT)

Submitted by: Anonymous

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
November 10th, 1990

Jimmy Smits

World Party

Bob Costas

A Message From the President of the United States

Recurring Characters: President George Bush.

Jimmy Smits’ Monologue

Chia Head

Game Challengers

NBC News Employees

Recurring Characters: Tom Brokaw.

Simon

Recurring Characters: Simon.

World Party performs “Way Down Now”

Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

Date With a Ditz

The Dark Side

Recurring Characters: Nat X, Sandman.

Two-Faced Doormen

Mobile Home

World Party performs “Ship of Fools”

Verbal Reversals

SNL Transcripts