Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 20

88t: Steve Martin / Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers

Pumping Up With Hans & Franz

Hans…..Dana Carvey
Franz…..Kevin Nealon
Joseph Wilhelm Zieglefreud…..Steve Martin

Announcer: Welcome to “Pumping Up With Hanz & Franz”, the informative training program for the serious weightlifter.

[ “Theme From 2001: A Space Odyssey” plays, as cameras slowly pan up on Hans & Franz, whose chest muscles begin to sway up and down ]

Together: Welcome! We’re back!

Hans: Alright. Once again, I am Hans..

Franz: And I am Franz. And we just want to..

Together: pump.. [ they clap ] ..you up!

Hans: Alright.

Franz: Alright, enough talk. We’re not here to talk. We’re here to..

Together: pump.. [ they clap ] ..you up!

Hans: Alright, before we get started, we’d like to give you something to hear now and think about later: a muscle is a terrible thing to waste.

Franz: Yah. That’s right, Hans. And if you’re gonna be a flabby waste of girly-man, maybe you should be disciplined!

Hans: Yah, believe me now, you know, we should take your wasted muscle..

Franz: Which is flab!cYah! And stretch it into a flab-rope ladder, so you can climb back down into the sewer you crawled out of!

Franz: Alright. Enough talk. We’re not here to talk. We’re here to..

Together: pump.. [ they clap ] ..you up!

Franz: You know, many critics have complained that our training methods would never work for your average garden-variety girly-man!

Yah. You know. That’s right, they say we are genetic mutants, you know, like Freddie Krueger!

Franz: Well, Mr. Critic Man, welcome to Nightmare on Muscle Street!

[ they flex their superiority ]

Franz: Here me now, and believe me later – anyone can achieve these results using our method!

Hans: That’s right, and we have proof! We have taken the world’smost pathetic girly-man, and turned him into the embodiment of perfect pumptitude!

Franz: Yah! This was Joseph Wilhem Zieglefreud tweleve weeks ago. [ shows pathetic Before image of Joseph ] And now, here he is today. Behold, the Eighth Womder of the World!

[ “Theme from 2001: A Space Odyssey” plays as an overinflated Joseph is wheeled out on a cart ]

Hans: Alright. Do our methods work? You be the judge. Welcome, Joseph. Now, tell us, has pumpitude changed your life?

Joseph: Oh, yah!

Hans: For the better?

Joseph: Oh, yah!

Hans: Alright. Alright.

Franz: And we understand that, because of your dedication to pumpitude, your wife and your children left you?

Joseph: Yah!

Hans: That’s alright.

Joseph: Yeah. Yah.

Franz: This is common, Joseph. You don’t need your crybaby wife and children to drag you down to their scum-hole!

Joseph: Yah, they are girly-man losers!

Hans: That’s right. Now, we understand, Joseph, you recently had to move out of your apartment?

Joseph: Yah!

Franz: Well.. tell us where you live now.

Joseph: In a circus tent on the edge of town.

Hans: Hear that, Critic Man!

Franz: But don’t be thinking that, because he lives in a circus tent, he’s some kind of freak!

Hans: That’s right! Can a freak do this?

[ Hans, Franz and Joseph all flex their muscles superiorily, although Joseph barely gets any flexibility due to the massive size of his perfect muscles ]

Franz: Now, you might have noticed a slight flexibility in Joseph. Does that bother you?

Joseph: It is a small price to pay.

Hans: That’s right, Joseph. One more question, you know. Tell our viewers what you would do if a girly-man kicks sand in your face?

Joseph: Hear me now, and believe me later, and think about it sometime, but make a note of it now – if I were just a little bit more flexible, I would kill you!

Hans: Alright.

Franz: Alright, alright..

Hans: Alright.

Franz: Well, you know, looking at my watch, I can see we are just about out of time.

Joseph: I can’t look at my watch.

Hans: That’s right. I think we proved our point. Once again, I am Hans..

Franz: I am Franz..

Joseph: And I am the world’s most perfectly pumped-up man!

All Together: And we just want to.. pump..

[ Hans & Franz clap their hands together, but Joseph is not flexivle enough to make it ]

All Together: ..pump..

[ still no go from Joseph ]

All Together: ..to pump..

[ Hans & Franz each grab one of Joseph’s hands and swing them to the other for the clap ]

All Together: ..you up!

Announcer: This has been “Pumping Up With Hans & Franz”.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 20

88t: Steve Martin / Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers

Steve’s Good & Bad Sides

…..Steve Martin

Steve Martin: Hi. Have you noticed how.. good I’ve looked tonight? Well, it’s no accident I have simply discovered that I have a good side and a bad side – most leading men do. Don’t believe me? Watch.

[ turns head to stage right, cocked upward ] Beautiful.. [ turns head at an angle ] ..interesting looking.. [ stares straight into camera ] ..quite plain.. [ turns head to stage left ] ..hideous.

Once again, now, that’s.. [ turns head to stage right, cocked upward ] Beautiful.. [ turns head at an angle ] ..interesting looking.. [ stares straight into camera ] ..quite plain.. [ turns head to stage left ] ..hideous.

Let me personify that for you.

[ turns head to stage left ] Mel Brooks.. [ stares straight into camera ] ..Mel Blanc.. [ turns head to angle at stage right ] ..Mel Torme.. [ turns head to stage right, cocked upward ] ..Mel Gibson.

As the show continues, you’ll notice how the cameraman never ever shows my bad side. Enjoy.

[ starts to exit stage left facing that direction, then catches himself, turns to face stage right and exits stage walking backwards ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 20

88t: Steve Martin / Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers

A Message From the President of the United States

President George Bush…..Dana Carvey

Announcer: Now, from the White House, the President of the United States.

President George Bush: Good evening. I want to thank the networks for granting me this time to talk about inflation – halfway around the world. I’m talking about China, where a wind is blowing – excuse me.. excuse me.. – a breeze. Can’t call it a wind – not enough in-for-ma-tion. A breeze of democracy in China. You know, Bar and I spent some time in China, and one thing about the Chinese people.. well.. they’re good! Good people!

China – gonna become democratized or not, can’t tell ya, not enough in-for-ma-tion. Not gonna be drawn into that at this junc-ture. Why? Because I’ve got responsibilities. President. 119 days in the White House – still lots to do, lots of work done. Repainting, floors sanded – you betcha! Polyurethane, defective wiring replaced.. Dan Quayle still gaining acceptance. Bush Family dog’s happy. Yes sir, good story on it, cover of Life Magazine.. Bar there, right on that cover. President’s dog, gotta be a happy life, you know?

Crime in the streets of America. Thugs and punks ruining our neighborhoods – it’s bad! It’s bad! There are those who say I should go out on those streets, see the problem firsthand. Not gonna do it! Not going up to Harlem alone, late at night – wouldn’t be prudent! You know, the Coast Guard down there, doing what they do, guarding the coast – the entire coast guarded.

Once again, that breeze of democracy, blowing around like it does, going around and around, swirling out there, going, ready to cross that ocean, out over there to Panama. That’s right – Panama – and that thug, Mr. Noriega. I know all about General Manuel Noriega. Knew the man when I was down there, as part of that Reagan-Bush team. Never talked to him, never met him. No, sir. Just watched him from a distance – spied on him. Always behind him, lurking around behind some shrubery, crouching down. Never met the man face-to-face, you know? Never part of any drugs-for-weapons deal! Wouldn’t be prudent!

So, to sum up: breeze, White House, China, Bar and the dog – good! Thugs, crime, acid rain – bad! Noriega – don’t know him.

Now, they’re trying to drag me into that “Live, from New York” thing, that old deal they got every week down there. Not gonna do it. Not gonna go out there and say, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Niiiight!“

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 20


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


May 20th, 1989

Steve Martin

Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers

None

Lorne Michaels
Timothy Busfield

Paulina Porizkova

Don Pardo

Cheryl Hardwick
A Message From the President of the United StatesSummary: President George Bush (Dana Carvey) outlines the accomplishments he’s made after his first 100 days in office.

Recurring Characters: George Bush.

Transcript

Montage

Steve Martin’s MonologueSummary: A misty-eyed Steve Martin commemorates Gilda Radner’s death by presenting a clip of a sketch they performed together eleven years earlier.

First Hosted: 76e.

Transcript

Dancing In The DarkNote: Repeat from: 77r.

Pumping Up With Hans & FranzSummary: Hans (Dana Carvey) and Franz (Kevin Nealon) unveil Joseph Wilhelm Zieglefreud, the world’s most perfectly pumped-up man (Steve Martin).

Recurring Characters: Hans, Franz.

Transcript

Tammy Wynette Sings the ClassicsSummary: Tammy Wynette (Jan Hooks) sings various classical songs in the tune of “Stand By Your Man”.

Recurring Characters: Tammy Wynette.

Transcript

Toonces, The Cat Who Could Drive A CarSummary: Brenda Clark (Victoria Jackson) and her husband (Steve Martin) discover that their pet cat has an odd skill.

Recurring Characters: Brenda Clark, Toonces.

Transcript

Ode to a Loved OneSummary: Steve Martin expresses his feelings for his woman with a poem.

Transcript

Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers perform “Running Down A Dream”First Performed: 79d.

Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

The New ConeheadsSummary: Lorne Michaels brings the Coneheads back so Beldar (Phil Hartman) and his family can tackle the real issues of the 1980’s.

Bio Timothy Busfield (1957-). Actor; television credits include: “thirtysomething” (1987-91), “The West Wing” (1999-2006), and “Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip” (2006-07)..

Get To Know Me!Summary: You too can find great success in life just by getting to know Jon Lovitz.

Bio Paulina Porizkova (1965-). Supermodel; co-starred with Tom Selleck in “My Alibi” (1989); married to Cars frontman, Ric Ocasek, since 1989.

Transcript

Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers perform “Free Fallin'”

SprocketsSummary: Dieter’s (Mike Myers) lover, Heike (Nora Dunn) reviews a clown performance.

Recurring Characters: Dieter.

Steve’s Good & Bad SidesSummary: Camera angles dictate Steve Martin’s good and bad photographic sides.

Transcript

Smokers Cable NetworkSummary: News anchors (Phil Hartman, Jan Hooks) smoke and inform.

Have A Bitchin’ SummerSummary: Tonto (Jon Lovitz), Tarzan (Kevin Nealon), and Frankenstein (Phil Hartman) say goodbye for the summer.

Recurring Characters: Tonto, Tarzan, Frankenstein.

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 19

88s: Wayne Gretzky / Fine Young Cannibals

Waikiki Hockey

Busboy #1…..Jon Lovitz
Busboy #2…..Kevin Nealon
Chad…..Wayne Gretzky
Mr. Bradford…..Phil Hartman
Kitten/Ann-Margret…..Jan Hooks
Reginald…..Dana Carvey

[ SUPER: “Waikiki Hockey” ]

[ SUPER: “A Col. tom Parker Production” ]

[ SUPER: “Starring: Wayne Gretzky” ]

[ SUPER: “And Ann-Margaret as Kitten” ]

[ SUPER: “Creative Consultant: Col. Tom Parker” ]

[ dissolve to interior, Reef Hotel ]

Busboy #1: Chad, I didn’t know you played hockey!

Chad: Hockey? What are you talking about?

Busboy #1: Well, what’s with the stick?

Chad: [ holds up piece of driftwood shaped like a hockey stick ] This? It’s just something that washed up on the shore. It’s my lucky stick. I don’t play hockey. You fellas play hockey?

Busboy #2: You better believe it! We’re the best two wings in Honolulu! We play for the Coconut Kings!

Busboy #1: Yeah. Hey, it’s too bad you don’t play, Chad, ’cause today we got the big championship.

Chad: Sorry, fellas, but, like I said, I’ve never played hockey.

Busboy #2: Hey, look! Somebody didn’t like Chef Mulahini’s pork chops! I wonder why? [ knocks pork chop on the table ] They’re as hard as a hockey puck, huh! [ laughs ]

[ Chad motions his lucky stick like a hockey stick, knocks the pork chop across the room into a garbage can ]

Busboy #2: I don’t believe it! He hit it right in the garbage can!

Busboy #1: You’re good! Oh, you gotta play for us tonight! We”re playing against our arch rivals – we don’t have a center!

Chad: Sorry, fellas, I don’t use my stick for any competetion.

[ Mr. Bradford enters ]

Mr. Bradford: Hey, hey, hey! Back to work, boys. I don’t pay you to stand around and yak!

Chad: Yes, sir, Mr. Bradford.

[ romantic Hawaiian music pots up, as Mr. Bradford’s daughter, Kitten, enters the restaurant with her snooty boyfriend Reginald ]

Kitten: Daddy? Can I have the keys to the convertible?

Mr. Bradford: Sure, Kitten. [ hands her the keys ] Going shopping?

Kitten: Uh-huh. I need something special for the big hockey game tonight.

Mr. Bradford: What about you, Reginald? Are you ready for the big game tonight?

Reginald: [ locked in a continuous smile as he speaks ] Ab-so-lute-ly! The Fly-ing Yachts-men are in tip-top shaoe – though it hardly matters, we’re playing the Coconut Kings, a collection of bus-boys! [ laughs smugly ]

Kitten: [ to Chad ] You’re new on the island, arent you? My name is Susan Bradford, but my friends call me Kitten. Hi!

Chad: Pleased to meet you. I’m Chad.

[ close-up on Kitten’s lovestruck face, as Hawaiian music reaches climactic twang ]

Reginald: Don’t dillydally, Kitten. I dare-say we’ll be late for lunch at the club. Uh, Bus-boy.. you missed a spot! [ laughs smugly ]

[ Kitten and Reginald exit ]

Chad: Fellas, on second thought, maybe I will play in that game tonight.

Busboy #1: Alright!

Busboy #2: Yeah!

[ dissolve to generic footage of the hockey game later that night ]

Announcer: What a night it is at Waikiki Stadium! The Coconut Kings are humiliating the Royal Yachtsmen, thanks to island newcomer Chad Gretzky and his lucky stick! He learned to skate this afternoon, but you’d never know it from the moves he’s showing us tonight! And the final score is Coconut Kings, 10; Flying Yachtsmen, nothing!

[ dissolve to next day, Kitten waterskiing, as Chad moves in from her left ]

Chad: Going my way?

Kitten: I didn’t know you could ski!

Chad: I didn’t know angels could fly so low.

Kitten: I saw you play last night – you were terrific!

Chad: You’re pretty terrific yourself.

[ Reginald moves in from Kitten’s right ]

Reginald: Well, well, well! If it isn’t our hockey-playing bus-boy! You certainly got lucky last night.

[ aghast ] Reggie!

Chad: Maybe I didn’t go to some high-falootin’ Wana-Hockey U.. but I did learn good sportsmanship.

Reginald: Yes.. well, then, be a good sport and go clear some tables. [ snooty laugh ]

Chad: You talk too much. [ pushes Reginald into the water ]

Kitten: Oh! I hope he doesn’t drown.. [ changing the subject ] Are you coming to the big party at Daddy’s hotel tonight?

Chad: I don’t think your Daddy wants me mingling with his fancy guests.

Kitten: No! You’re coming as my escort!

[ dissolve to Daddy’s fancy party later that evening ]

Mr. Bradford: Excuse me. Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen, I’m afraid I have some bad news for you. It seems that the singer we had booked for this evening can’t make it.

[ crowd awwws ]

Mr. Bradford: I’ve been told that he’s eaten some bad poi.

[ crowd eugghs ]

Mr. Bradford: Yes, we all know what bad poi can do. But it’s a lovely night, so please, stay around and enjoy yourselves.. [ crowd gets up to leave ] Everyone, please stay!

Kitten: Oh, poor Daddy..

Chad: Don’t you worry, Angel. [ steps up before the crowd ] Sit down, everybody! I think you’ll get your money’s worth. [ to the band ] Come on, boys – let’s rock!

[ singing ]”Mona luckahiki means hockey
Mona luckawiki means love
A moonlit ice rink means romance
with my baby and the stars above.”

Chorus:
“Kiki Hockey, Waikiki Hockey!
Kiki Hockey, Waikiki Hockey!”

Chad:
“I slipped the puck across the goal line
the crowd went crazy and roared.
But when my baby kissed me and held me in my arms
I knew that I had finally scored.”

Chorus:
“Kiki Hockey, Waikiki Hockey!
Kiki Hockey, Waikiki Hockey!”

Kitten:
“I know why hockey is rockin’
Ice melts, and no one can play!
So we clean up the rinks
and put the ice in our drinks
and say, ‘Mona laki hui ani hey!'”

Chad:
“I say hockey!
Waikiki Hockey
Our way!”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 18


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


May 13th, 1989

Wayne Gretzky

Fine Young Cannibals

None

Janet Jones

Tom Davis

Andy Murphy

Conan O’Brien
Carter In PanamaRecurring Characters: Jimmy Carter.

Montage

Wayne Gretzky’s MonologueBio: Wayne Gretzky (1961-). Athlete; National Hockey League player for the Edmonton Oilers (1979-88), the Los Angeles Kings (1988-96), the St. Louis Blues (1996), and the New York Rangers (1996-99); nicknamed “The Great One”, he was awarded the NHL’s Most Valuable Player award eight seasons in a row.

Sleepytime Rat ControlNote: Repeat from: 88l.

Fishing With the Anal-Retentive SportsmanRecurring Characters: Anal-Retentive Gene.

Wayne’s WorldRecurring Characters: Wayne Campbell, Garth Algar.

This Week with David BrinkleyRecurring Characters: David Brinkley, George F. Will, Cokie Roberts, Sam Donaldson.

Fine Young Cannibals perform “She Drives Me Crazy”Bio: British band, comprised of former members of The Beat; members: Roland Gift, David Steele, Andy Cox.

Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

Celebrity Hockey IdeasRecurring Characters: John Travolta, Brigitte Nielsen, Jack Nicholson, Bette Davis, Tina Yothers, Sylvester Stallone, Howie Mandel, George Hamilton.

Point Blank

Fine Young Cannibals perform “Good Thing”

Waikiki HockeyTranscript

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 18

88r: Geena Davis / John Mellencamp

Frost White and the Seven L’il Men

Berman…..Jon Lovitz
Frost White…..Geena Davis
Touchy…..Ben Stiller
Feely…..Mike Myers
Itchy…..Dana Carvey
Coughy…..Dennis Miller
Barry…..Al Franken
Sticky…..Kevin Nealon
Resentful…..Phil Hartman
Evil Step-Cousin…..Nora Dunn

(Interior: law office. Berman sits in an armchair and addresses the audience.)

Berman: Hello, I’m Scott Berman, of the law firm Armstrong, Berman & Fitch, outside counsel to the National Broadcasting Company. One of the most wondrous stories of all time is the enchanting fable “Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.” Our client NBC would like nothing more than to bring this timeless tale into your living room. Unfortunately, the copyright for “Snow White and the Seven Dwarves” is owned by the Disney Corporation, which, as you know, takes a very strong stand against any infringement of said copyright. And that is why tonight, NBC, *ahem* in conjunction with the law firm of Armstrong, Berman & Fitch, proudly presents tonight’s live production, “Frost White and the Seven Lil’ Men” … an all-new, entirely original fable, which cannot reasonably be interpreted as a violation of Title 17, Sections 101-106 of the US Code, at least that’s our position.

(Disneyesque music begins, and he cocks an ear)

Berman: Oh, I think I hear the seven lil’ men returning from a day’s work of an undetermined nature.

(Fade to stage, with a Disneyesque outdoor meadow setting. The Lil’ Men march into view as a title card is displayed.)

Lil’ Men: (singing)
Ho-hi, Ho-hi.
It’s back from work we cry.
We’re back from work, we’re back from work.Ho-hi, Ho-hi.

(The music stops, and they all burst out laughing. Frost White emerges, smiling, and addresses each of them as they face the camera)

Frost White: My little men! … Touchy … Feely … Itchy … Coughy …

Coughy: (coughs)

Frost White: Barry … Sticky … and Resentful. You’re just in time to help me clean up the house.

Itchy: I know a song we can sing WHILE we clean up!

Frost White: Good for you, Itchy. Coughy … will you sing along?

Coughy: (coughs)

Itchy: He said yes!

Frost White: (giggles) Oh, Coughy … you’re my favorite! (she walks over to him, and gives him a kiss on the forehead)

Coughy: (coughs)

Itchy: Come on, everybody! Follow me!

(Disneyesque music begins, and they all step to the beat)

Frost White & Lil’ Men: (singing)
Hum while you work.
Hum while you work.
Hmmmmm, hmmmmm,
Hum while you work.

(They all laugh, and march off-stage)

(Fade back to Berman)

Berman: You know, it’s interesting what makes one song legally *ahem* different from another … it’s not always black and white, and that’s what makes my job so exciting. The court has established one pretty clear precedent: if every third note is different, you are the owner of a unique musical property.

(Dramatic music swells up)

Berman: Well, not everyone in our enchanting tale loves Frost White the way Touchy, Feely, Sorry, Smiley, Coughy, Stretch, and Resentful do. Let’s go now to the castle and meet Frost White’s evil step-cousin. That’s right, step-COUSIN.

(The dramatic music continues as we fade to a still of a castle on top of a hill. Inside the castle, the Evil Step-Cousin picks up a plate off the dinner table.)

Evil Step-Cousin: Whoever washed this plate did a fine job. I can see my face in it, almost as if it were a mirror. (glances at the camera) But it’s not a mirror. It’s a plate. (looks at the plate) Plate, plate, in my hand, who’s the best-looking in the land?

(The image of Frost White’s face appears in the plate.)

Evil Step-Cousin: Frost White?!

(She slams the plate on the table, and it shatters. She picks up an orange off the table)

Evil Step-Cousin: I’ll get her … with one of my poisonous ORANGES! (laughs sinisterly)

(Fade back to the meadow setting. Frost White picks some yellow flowers by the well as soft music plays)

Frost White: (singing)
Someday my prince will come.
Someday my prince will come …

(Cut back to Scott, on the phone)

Berman: (irritated) This the studio? What the hell’s goin’ on?

(the music stops)

Berman: No, you CAN’T use their lyrics! We agreed on “Someday, my EARL will come”! No prince … well, who said it was okay?! … Oh yeah? Well, to HELL with her!

(He raises his voice as he talks)

Berman: Now look, you tell Geena Davis to go to law school, pass the damn bar, work herself up to stinkin’ partner in the best copyright firm in the country, AND THEN SHE CAN TELL ME THAT “PRINCE” DOESN’T EXPOSE US TO MAJOR, AND I’M TALKING, MAJOR DAMAGE!!

(He slams the receiver, then picks it up again)

Berman: DISNEY!! WE’RE TALKING DISNEY!!!

(He slams the receiver again, then calms down, and starts lying pathologically …)

Berman: Well, uh, Frost White, uh, had uh, it seems, uh … mailed some film to be developed, and, uh, uh, had been waiting for some time to get her PRINTS back. Yes, so she was singing, “Some week my PRINTS,” P-R-I-*N*-T-S, “will come,” *not* P-R-I-N-C-E.

(he starts fondling his tie nervously)

Berman: And uh … oh, oh, did I mention that Snow White — excuse me, Frost White, that Frost White was a, uh, was a man? Because she is! Yes, yes, and uh, and the uh, the seven little men, they’re, well they’re all blind. I don’t know if that was coming across in the acting, but they can’t see, they can’t see at all! Well, um, I don’t think Frost White is going to be the annual e-VENT that we had hoped, but for those of you who have stuck with us for this long, thank you and good night.

(“Hum While You Work” reprises as a caption rolls over a still of Frost White and the Seven Lil’ Men.)

Voice-over: (reading the caption) “The characters of Frost White and the Seven Lil’ Men are the sole property of the National Broadcasting Company. Any reproduction or unauthorized use is strictly prohibited.”

(Applause)

Submitted by: The G Man

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 18


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


April 22nd, 1989

Geena Davis

John Mellencamp

None

Cheryl Hardwick A Message From the President of the United StatesRecurring Characters: George Bush.

Montage

Geena Davis’ MonologueBio: Geena Davis (1956-). Actress; Academy Award winner for Best Supporting Actress for “The Accidental Tourist” (1988); other films include: “Thelma and Louise” (1991), “A League of Their Own” (1992); starred as first female president in short-lived televised drama series “Commander in Chief”, 2005-06; married to frequent film co-star Jeff Goldblum, from 1987-90.

The Bob Waltman SpecialRecurring Characters: Bob Waltman, Burt Reynolds, Diane Sawyer, Roseanne.

Frost White and the Seven L’il MenSummary: A cheap Disney knockoff flirts with copyright infringement by changing every third word from the tale of Snow White.

Transcript

AttitudesRecurring Characters: Linda Dano, Nancy Glass.

John Mellencamp performs “Pop Singer”First Performed: 81p.

The Palmer Bunch

Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

Suspended Animation Chambers

John Mellencamp performs “Jackie Brown”

Game Show Models

After The Apocalypse

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 16

88q: Dolly Parton

Celebrity Restaurant

Nobody…..Mike Myers
Buddy Precisely…..Dana Carvey
Jack Nicholson…..Phil Hartman
Tracy Ullman…..Jan Hooks
Gary Sermans…..Ben Stiller
…..Dolly Parton
Gary Sermans…..Ben Stiller
Fireman…..Kevin Nealon

[ open on interior, fancy Hollywood restaurant, Buddy Precisely standing at the pedestal reviewing his guest list ]

Nobody: [ approaching with supermodel-level date ] Hi.

Buddy Precisely: Yeees?

Nobody: Carlisle, party of two.

Buddy Precisely: Uh-huhhh?

Nobody: I have a reservation.

Buddy Precisely: Uh-huhhh?

Nobody: For 7:30?

Buddy Precisely: Ohhhhhhmmmmm, no! [ waves his hand towards the bar ] Wait at the barm wait at the bar, wait at the bar..

Nobody: Hey, hey, I have a reservation, I’m not waiting at the bar!

Buddy Precisely: [ signals bouncer and waves his hand towards the door ] Then take them outside, take them outside, take them outside.. [ Bouncer pulls the Nobody and his date outside ] Goodbye. Don’t be alarmed, don’t be alarmed, everybody, pay no attention, he doesn’t matter, he’s not a star! [ walks up to the dining entrance ] Look at the stars! The stars over here in the dining room – look! Right there, right now! Corbin Bernsen‘s eating a biscuit, look at him! [ waiting crowd “Oohs” ] What an amazing..! [ Jack Nicholson enters ] Well, Jack Nicholson, everybody! Jack Nicholson! You huge, mammoth, incredible, monstrous star, what can I do for you!Jack Nicholson: I’ll tell you what you can do for me. You can take your fingers off of my jacket.

Buddy Precisely: [ laughs ] Oh, what a funster! I’ll come by your table later for a cocktail, Jack!

Jack Nicholson: I’d rather stick needles in my eye!

Buddy Precisely: I love it when you kid me! Claudine, take this wonderful megastar to his table, and sit him right next to.. Nick Nolte!

Tracy Ullman: [ bounces into the room ] Bud-dy, Bud-dy!

Buddy Precisely: Tracy Ullman, everybody! Tracy Ullman! [ hugs her ] Look at you! Welcome you Golden Globe-winning star! How’s your highly-acclaimed serie?

Tracy Ullman: It’s in the basement, Buddy! It is! I can get a walk, but I can’t get ratings! [ laughs ]

Buddy Precisely: And you can’t get a table here! [ pushes her away ] Take it outside, take it outside, take it outside.. [ Bouncer removes her ] I love you, Tracy, you’re the Moe Howard of England, take it outside!

Gary Sermans: [ enters ] Hello. I’m Gary Sermans, I have a reservation?

Buddy Precisely: Uh-huhhh? And where might I have heard that name?

Gary Sermans: Well, I’m an actor and a writer, you probably haven’t heard of me – yet.

Buddy Precisely: A total unknown? An anbsolute nobody? Wait at the bar, wait at the bar..

Gary Sermans: Well, wait a minute! I have a script in development!

Buddy Precisely: Uh-huhhhh? What studio?

Gary Sermans: Paramount!

Buddy Precisely: Uh-huhh! And what did you do before that?

Gary Sermans: I was Dick Clark’s poolboy!

Buddy Precisely: Claudine! Seat this very important young man immediately! Ladies and gentlemen, Dick Clark’s poolboy! [ shows him inside the dining area ] Wonderful! [ Dolly Parton enters ] Oh, my goodness! The lovely Doly Parton! Look at you, what can I do for you, you big, huge, wonderful star!

Dolly Parton: Oh, nothing! I’m just here to meet a couple of friends of mine for dinner, and I’m just a little early!

Buddy Precisely: Uh-huhhh.. who are we meeting?

Dolly Parton: Oh, just some friends that I worked with on my television show.

Buddy Precisely: Ohh, yes.. your ill-fated television show. You must feel just awful!

Dolly Parton: Oh, well.. I just believe: if it works, it works, and if it don’t, the Lord takes care of you anyway!

Buddy Precisely: Yes, he does. Even after such an enormous failure!

Dolly Parton: Oh, no more than “Rhinestone”.

Buddy Precisely: Oh, yes, “Rhinestone”, the movie that nearly killed Sylvester Stallone’s entire career!

Dolly Parton: Ohhhh.. we’re still friends, he calls me every now and then..

Buddy Precisely: [ interested ] Uh-huh? What other huge stars call you?

Dolly Parton: Oh, listen, Buddy, I don’t want to take up your time. How about if I just take a seat at the bar?

Buddy Precisely: No one waits at the bar until I tell them, Dolly. [ pause ] Wait at the bar, wait at the bar.. [ Dolly waits at the bar, as an Asian man enters ] Oh! Khangas Moore! You wonderfully, taslented, versatile little star, you! As they say in Thailand, “Mi casa, su casa!” Your table is right here, through the kitchen, with fellow Oscar winners Marlee Matlin and Linda Hunt! Go right in, you big, important star, you! [ shoves him into the kitchen ] Ladies and gentlemen, Charlton Heston is eating a trout in the dining room! [ Rob Lowe enters ] Oh, goodness! Rob Lowe! [ waves hand toward the door ] Take it outside, take it outside, take it outside.. don’t you ever sing in public again!

Dolly Parton: [ comes forward ] Excuse me, Buddy?

Buddy Precisely: Yes, Dolly?

Dolly Parton: Buddy, I don’t mean to interrupt you, but there seems to be something awful coming out of your kitchen!

Buddy Precisely: Uh-huhhh?

Dolly Parton: Well, I don’t want to panic anybody, but back where we come from, we call it a fire!

Buddy Precisely: You incredibly, observant star! How observant of you!

[ Firemen rush in ]

Fireman: Where’s the manager?! Where’s the manager?!

Buddy Precisely: Excuse me! I believe I’m talking to my good friend, Dolly Parton! [ the firefighters are excited ] Go right in, Dolly, you wonderful, grand star! I love you when you’re here! [ lets Dolly into the dining area, then turns to the firemen ] Now, what do you want?

Fireman: We’re the Beverly Hills Fire Department.

Buddy Precisely: Uh-huhhhh? And where might I have seen your work?

Fireman: Well.. we put a fire out in the stock room at Bejean’s.

Buddy Precisely: Uh-huhhh?

Fireman: Yeah.. a two-alarm fire.

Buddy Precisely: Two-alarm? Not one-alarm, two-alarm?

Fireman: Two-alarm.

Buddy Precisely: Not a three-alarm? [ waves his hands towards the bar ] Wait at the bar, wait at the bar.. Ramone, the smoke, please, take it outside, take it outside..

[ Bouncer helps Buddy fan the smoke outside, as the sketch fades out ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 16

88q: Dolly Parton

Dolly’s Mountain Stories

…..Dolly Parton
…..cast of “Saturday Night Live”

[ open on the main stage, Dolly Parton and the cast sitting on pillows around the floor ]

Dana Carvey: Tell us a mountain story, Dolly!

[ the cast cheers the suggestion ]

Dolly Parton: Really? Alright, now the first thing you have to know, now, is that I was born and raised in the Smokey Mountains in East Tennessee!

Kevin Nealon: Well, we knew that! [ laughs ]

Dolly Parton: Well, you might, Kevin, but maybe everybody out there don’t know that.

Jan Hooks: Oh, I think thye do, Dolly!

[ the rest of the cast agrees ]

Dolly Parton: Alright, well, that’s beside the point, but i’ll tell you a story. I grew up in a small house with my momma and my daddy and twelve kids. And we were out in the middle of nowhere and we didn’t have anything but each other. Of course, I’m not complaining.. but we didn’t make a whole lot of money, and didn’t have more than anything but our love and our music!

Victoria Jackson: Dolly, you mean you didn’t have any of the modern conveniences that we all take for granted?

Dolly Parton: That is absolutely right, Victoria! I mean, we didn’t have a washing machine or a gas stove, we didn’t even have a TV.

Dennis Miller: Well, what did you guys do for fun?

Dolly Parton: Oh, we made our own fun, Dennis! Why, we’d sing, and we’d play games.. and Momma would dream up stories for us, I mean stories that were a whole lot better than anything you could watch on television today!

Phil Hartman: [ smiling ] She must have been quite a woman!

Dolly Parton: Well, you don’t have to patronize me, Phil. [ Phil appears confused ] Anyway, she’d tell us stories that’d keep us going ’til bedtime!

Jon Lovitz: Like, what kind of stories?

Dolly Parton: Oh, just all kinds of stories.. she’d just make up scary stories, and funny stories, stories about the Old West..

Nora Dunn: Oh, those Western stories must have been great!

Dolly Parton: Oh, they were! My favorite ws about this white-haired man that had three sons, and he lived out on a big ranch in Nevada. [ the cast appears to be familiar with the story ] And the oldest son, see, he was real, real moody, and serious.. and the middle one, well, he was big and lovable.. and the youngest one – whoo! – he was so handsome and brave!

Victoria Jackson: He sounds really cute!

Dolly Parton: Oh, well, he was! Well, his name was Little Joe.. [ the cast now realizes she’s relating the story of the TV show “Bonanza ] and he had more girlfriends than you could shake a stick at! Lord, the times that family had with that tiny servant of theirs.. My Momma, she did, she had a big imagination, that’s for sure! Hey, but she loved to tell us police stories, that was some of my favorites, too!

Dennis Miller: She told you police stories?

Dolly Parton: Yeah.. well, she’d just talk a blue streak about these two detectives that would drive around L.A. in this blue Plymouth Valiant. One fella’s name, I think, was Friday, and he did everything by the book. I mean, he was straighter than a hog’s tail in a pork factory! See, my Momma had so many stories, and the funniest ones were about this silly, silly, crazy woman named Lucy! I man, she got into all kinds of crazy situations! There was this one time when her husband Ricky, he was this Cuban fella.. and he had an audition in Los Angeles, and they lost their script, Lucy did, so she had to sneak into the studio, and William Holden was there, and it was just the biggest mess!

Dana Carvey: So.. so, these were made up?

Dolly Parton: Right. Except for the ones about Friday. Momma said that they were based on some kind of truth, but that they always changed the names to protect the innocent.

Kevin Nealon: So, there were no televisions anywhere?

Dolly Parton: Well, of course not! I mean, why would we need onw? Family’s all you need! [ thinking ] Oh, yeah! I forgot to tell you, there was this Halloween special, that was Momma’s favorite! It was a spooky story about a witch, and she had these magical powers.. and she married this advertising agent, his name was Darren. See, Darren didn’t want anybody to know about his wife, so they lived out in the suburbs, and they had this real, real nosy neighbor..

Jon Lovitz: [ excited ] Oh! Ms. Crabbitz! [ quickly covers his mouth ]

Dolly Parton: Wow! That’s right, Jon! How’d you know that, are you from the hills?

Jon Lovitz: Uh, no.. I.. I..

Jan Hooks: Jon! Yes, of course, he’s from the hills.. aren’t you, Jon?

Jon Lovitz: Yes.. I’m from Arkansas..

Dolly Parton: Well, I never knew that! That is something! Well, you learn something new everyday! Well, listen, I hope that you enjoyed the stories, and thank you for listening.. but I gotta go get ready for the next thing..

[ a stagehand directs Dolly offstage, as the cast ponders what they’ve just sat through ]

Nora Dunn: That poor, poor woman..

Kevin Nealon: Yeah. Thinking that stuff was original!

Dana Carvey: Boy, can you imagine missing out on all those hours and hours of television!

Dennis Miller: Yeah, and then having to hear about it secondhand. I mean, it’s so sad..

Phil Hartman: Is it really? No, I mean, think about it. While we had all that fed to us, she got to use her imagination.

Jan Hooks: Yeah.. we’re all kind of constrained to the limits of what we saw. but not Dolly!

Phil Hartman: Who knows what her Darren looks like? Her Hoss? Her Friday? Her Larry Tate!

Kevin Nealon: Maybe her Col. Klink had a thick head of hair!

Jon Lovitz: Maybe her Lassie was a dachschund?

Victoria Jackson: You know what? Maybe we should all stop watching TV..

Phil Hartman: [ laughs ] That’s ridiculous! It’s just something that happened to Dolly.

[ they get up to leave the stage, laughing to themselves ]

Dennis Miller: Miss out on TV, what are you talking about!

Phil Hartman: [ left alone ] See you, everyone.. and keep watching the show!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts