Christopher Guest: You know, Martin, there are a lot of very important stars out in the audience tonight, really major figures in the world of show business. And although you might not be as famous, talented and good-looking as they are, well.. I just wanted to say that.
Martin Short: [ smiling it off ] Thank you, Chris. And, although what you say may be true.. I might not be the most talented famous.. [ breaks into hysterical mode ] But I’ll tell you one thing, Mister! I love this country! A hell of a lot more than some of these flag-waving phonies sitting out there tonight! And even though I wasn’t born here – I wish I had of been! [ breaks into tears in Christopher’s arms ] Hold me!
Christopher Guest: Now, without further ado, some clips from the years 1980 to 1985.
Dennis Miller: You know, over the years there has been one consistent, recurring segment of “Saturday Night Live”. That, of course, would be the really bad sketch at ten till one that makes everyone want to go to bed early. In addition to that, though, there has always been political content, either in the form of sketches or “Weekend Update” jokes. I hold a particularly fond place, near and dear to my heart, for “Weekend Update”. Because without it, I would probably be watching the show at home tonight, embittered and undoubtedly plotting the deaths of many of the fabulous entertainers you’ve seen here this evening. Here, then, is a look at the political past of “Saturday Night Live”.
Father Guido Sarducci…..Don Novello …..Victoria Jackson …..Kevin Nealon …..Dan Aykroyd …..Tom Hanks …..Steve Martin …..Billy Crystal …..Lorne Michaels …..Chevy Chase …..Jane Curtin …..Garrett Morris
[ open backstage, as Father Guido Sarducci and Nora Dunn pass through the hall ]
Father Guido Sarducci: I can’t believe they won’t-a let me on-a the show just because I don’t have a black tie. I got-a everything black except the tie, you know?
[ they exit the area, as Kevin Nealon and Victoria Jackson walk into view ]
Victoria Jackson: Gee, Kevin, isn’t this amazing? I’ve never seen so many funny people all in one place.
Kevin Nealon: Yeah, tell me about it.. tell me about it! Look over there, look! Steve Martin, Robin Williams, Dan Aykroyd, Billy Crystal, Tom Hanks!
Victoria Jackson: Wow, talk about your comedy minds.
Kevin Nealon: There must be some major league ripping going on over there.
Victoria Jackson: Yeah!
Kevin Nealon: What I’d give to be a fly on the wall for that conversation!
[ cut to the groups’ conversation ]
Dan Aykroyd: Oh, sure, I was getting gross points, but it was adjusted gross. Based on a 20% distribution fee.
Tom Hanks: No! Oh, wow, wow.. Listen to this: Disney gives me 50% of the net, but they claim the director’s gross as production costs.
Steve Martin: God, what a horror story!
Billy Crystal: Do you guys still read the scripts that you’re gonna do?
[ cut back to Kevin Nealon and Victoria Jackson ]
Kevin Nealon: This is great! Everybody’s here!
Victoria Jackson: [ pointing ] Look! Isn’t that Joan Cusack and Sam Kinison?
[ cut to Sam Kinison screaming at Joan Cusack ]
[ camera pans left to reveal Mary Tyler More making out with Jon Lovitz ]
Victoria Jackson: Oh, look! There’s Mary Tyler Moore!
Kevin Nealon: Yeah! Yeah! And she’s making out with.. with Lovitz! This is nice! This is gonna be some party, I’ll tell you that!
Victoria Jackson: Yeah!
[ dissolve to Lorne Michaels’ office, Chevy Chase seated in front of his desk eating popcorn out of a basket ]
Lorne Michaels: Chevy, I just can’t let you do this fall. It’s too dangerous.
Chevy Chase: Dangerous? Lorne, I did the fall every week.
Lorne Michaels: Chevy, you’re fifty-eight years old!
Chevy Chase: Okay, but I feel as good as I did fifteen years ago!
Lorne Michaels: Fifteen years ago you were forty-three.
Chevy Chase: Yeah, and in fifteen years I’ll be seventy-three. So what?
[ Jane Curtin leans in ]
Jane Curtin: What’s going on?
Chevy Chase: Oh, hi, Jane.
Lorne Michaels: Chevy wants to do the fall.
Jane Curtin: But he’s fifty-eight years old!
Lorne Michaels: I know.
Chevy Chase: What’s the big deal about being fifty-eight years old? In my movies, I play guys in their late forties, early fifties.
Lorne Michaels: Chevy, it’s the network. They’re just not gonna insure anyone over fifty-five.
Chevy Chase: They don’t have to!
Lorne Michaels: Well, alright, but you’re gonna have to sign some ppaers, then. Here. [ shows legal papers on desk to Chevy ]
Chevy Chase: Alright, thank you, Lorne.. [ signs his name ] Geez, we gotta hurry, Lorne –
Lorne Michaels: [ flips page over ] And.. here.
Chevy Chase: [ signs ] Show’s gonna start nay second, and I gotta –
Lorne Michaels: [ flips page over ] And.. and.. and here.
Chevy Chase: [ signs ] I’ve gotta get ot my dressing room..
Lorne Michaels: [ flips page over ] Just initial this one here, please.
Chevy Chase: [ signs ]
[ Joe Piscopo, dressed in a sleeveless tuxedo with muscles bulging, enters office ]
Joe Piscopo: Chevy, I just heard. Lorne, excuse me. Chevy, look, I can’t let you do this. I mean, I love you, but you’re not in shape. I think I should do the fall. [ flexes his arms to show Chevy his muscles ]
Chevy Chase: Thanks, Joe, but I’ll be fine. Don’t worry about me, okay?
Joe Piscopo: Lorne, are you gonna let this guy go out there, hmm? [ flexes a little more ] I mean, what is this guy, sixty years old?
Stagehand: Sorry, it’s contractual, Chevy. You’re ready for Prime Time now.
[ Chevy grabs the helmet and exits the office into the audience carrying his basket of popcorn ]
Chevy Chase: I just want to get this over.. I don’t have much time, I have to get to my dressing room.. [ puts the helmet on ] ..take a couple of back pills, I’ll be fine. What’s the big deal? If I could just get my pads on.. [ to an audience member ] Could I get through here, please? [ walks into the audience, places his popcorn on a woman’s lap ] Would you hld that? Thanks. [ adjusts his helmet ] These are not easy to put on. [ continues walking through the audience tripping here and there, and eventually spilling his popcorn onto the head of Brandon Tartikoff ] Oops! Oh, I’m sorry! Very sorry! [ spots Garrett Morris sitting next to Brandon ] Garrett!
Garrett Morris: Hey!
Chevy Chase: How are you, baby?
Garrett Morris: Hey, Chevy! What’s happening, man! Look, Chevy, Chevy.. don’t do the fall. Okay? Look, man, you are older than me! You’re just gonna bust your behind!
Chevy Chase: I’m fine, Garrett..
[ Chevy continues walking through the audience as Garrett rambles on behind him ]
Garrett Morris: I mean, at your age, man, healing is a long, slow, painful process! Man, I busted mine two years ago, and I –
Chevy Chase: I’m gonna be late now, that’s just great..
[ Chevy crashes into the wall, his popcorn flying everywhere as he tumbles down the stairs. He quickly stumbles into a door marked as his dressing room and closes the door behind him. A few seconds later, Chevy re-opens the door and pulls off the helmet. ]
Bruce Willis: Hi, I’m Bruce Willis. I, uh.. I wanted to see what this feels like, to be out here and not have anything funny to say at all. I’m gonna be doing this show next week, and, at this time, we do not have anything funny for me to say. We used up a lot of it on this show tonight. But I will be hosting the show next weekend, and I just want to remind all the writers and the people who work on this show, there’s a wonderful party going on later, but uh.. six days from now, we do this show again. Nothing is written, so enjoy the party, but for God’s sakes, try to get home at a reasonable hour, I’ll be here bright and shiny tomorrow morning ready to go to work and looking for many, many funny things to say. Good night, thank you for coming and dressing so well.
Announcer: Candelabra Music is proud to present Miss Tammy Wynette in the album of her career – Tammy Wynette Sings The Classics!
Tammy Wynette: [ singing variant of “Moonlight Sonata” ] “Stand by your man Stand by your man Oh-ho-oh Stand.. by.. your.. man!”
Announcer: Yes, the rich voice of country music’s greatest singer, bringing the treasure of music into your home or trailer!
Tammy Wynette: [ singing variant of “Tchaikovsky’s Concerto #1 In B Flat Minor (Stand By Your Man)” ] “Stand by your man by.. your man Stand by your man by.. your man Stand by your man by.. your man Stand by your man Stand by your man Oh, stand by your man, girl.”
Tammy Wynette: [ singing variant of “Mozart’s Piano Sonata In C (Stand By Your Man) ] “Stand by your ma-a-an Stand by your ma-a-an Sta-a-and.. by-iy-iy.. you-ou-our.. ma-a-an”
Tammy Wynette: [ singing variant of “Beetoven’s Fifth Symphony First Movement (Stand By Your Man)” ] “Stand by your man! Stand by your man! Stand by your man, stand by your man, stand by your man! Stand by your man, stand by your man, stand by your man! Stand by your man! Stand by your man!”
Announcer: Just imagine, fifty of the world’s most beloved musical selections, pushed through the mose of the queen of country music!
Tammy Wynette: [ singing ] “Stand by-y-y.. stand by your man! Stand by your man, stand by your man..”
Announcer: Order now, and you’ll also receive – free – this second album: Boots Randolph’s Yakkity Bartok!
Tammy Wynette: Stand by.. here’s how to order.
Announcer: Send $19.95, check or money order, to Classical Tammy, Route 4, Chagrin Falls, Ohio. Or call 1-800-YOUR-MAN. Operators are standing by.
Tammy Wynette: [ singing ] “Stand by, stand by, stand by, stand by your.. man! Whoo!”
Steve Martin: When a man meets the woman he loves, everything changes. His heart races, his head spins. And suddenly, all the dozens and dozens of women he’s sleeping with no longer matter. A few years ago, I found the woman I love, and I have put some of my feelings into this little poem:
“Every man needs a woman, and I need you To lift me when I am sad To comfort me when I am down To clean me when I am a drunk To walk beside me when I want to look like I’m not gay To walk in front of me when I need someone to act as a human windbreak To kiss me when I’m horny To massage when I am tense and/or horny To make me horny when I’m not horny, and then to watch me fall asleep.
I need you, darling, to clean between my toes when they are not clean to my satisfaction. To pick the nits out of my hair when I have head lice To try milk for me when I am not ure of the expiration date. To be there when I need you to be there and to be out of town the rest of the time
My darling, although it may seem sentimental I want to take this moment to tell you I love you, because I don’t want to lose half my stuff.
And even though you are far away across the ocean I always have this to remind me.”
[ points to his ring finger, where he quickly notices no ring is ]
Steve Martin: Thank you. Thank you very much. We have a very funny show tonight – Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers are here. And it’s great to be back here tonight.
You know, I’ve been coming here to do “Saturday Night Live” since 1976, and the thing that keeps bringing you back is the people you get to work with.. and I would like to show you something we recorded on this stage in 1978.
…..Jon Lovitz …..Paulina Poriskova …..Don Pardo Lee Iacocca…..Phil Hartman …..Steve Martin
[ open on Jon Lovitz sitting at a table in the russian Tea Room with Paulina Poriskova ]
Jon Lovitz: Hello, I’m Job Lovitz, and I’m having lunch in the Russian Tea Room with the most beautiful woman in the world – Paulina! Well, we can’t all be me. But if you’d like to fulfill your dream like I did, then I have one piece of advice for you – Get To Know Me! When did I chip my tooth? Why do I drain my foot? Where is my extra bone? Get To Know Me! Got to go – listen to him!
Don Pardo: Hello! Before I got to know Jon, I was nothing, nowhere, nobody! I was stuck in a room reading voiceovers I could barely understand! And then, I got to know him, and now I get to be on TV! And today, they call me.. Don Pardo!
Jon Lovitz: Get To Know Me! Why do I never wear a hat? Why was I banned from Bangkok? Why do women call me “The Anchor”?
Paulina Poriskova: You.. stud! You gorgeous hunk of male flesh.
Jon Lovitz: [ to the camera ] Yes! [ to Paulina ] Uh.. a little lower and to the left. Get To Know Me! Still wondering if you should? Then listen to him!
Lee Iacocca: Before I got to know Jon, I was nothing, nowhere, nobody! I couldn’t get a job to save my life! And today, they call me.. Lee Iacocca! Get to know him! And buy a Chrysler..
Don Pardo: It works, I tell you, it works!
Jon Lovitz: Get out, I tell you, get out! Get To Know Me! Why do girls speak to me? Do I shave my eyebrows in the middle? Get To Know Me! And now, a final testimonial, from a man who speaks the truth!
Steve Martin: Before I got to know Jon, I was nothing, nowhere, nobody! I was a two-bit comic with an arrow stuck through my head! And then, I got to know him, and now I just starred in a movie called “Parenthood”, directed by Opie! And today, they call me.. Steve Martin!
Jon Lovitz: Thank you.
Steve Martin: Thank you!
Lee Iacocca: It’s true, I tell you, it’s true! Buy a Chrsyler..
Paulina Poriskova: He’s a stud!
Steve Martin: I might do a movie directed by Potsie!
