…..Kevin Nealon …..Steve Martin …..Martin Short …..Chevy Chase
[ open on exterior, Gerald Ford Clinic ]
[ dissolve to interior, Stumblebums Anonymous conference room, Kevin Nealon sitting, with broken arm, in chair in the middle of the room ]
[ Steve Martin opens the door and looks in ]
Steve Martin: Um.. is, uh, this the Gerald Ford Clinic?
Kevin Nealon: Yes, it is.
Steve Martin: Great!
[ Steve closes the door, walks across the room and trips over Kevin’s foot, falling to the floor before finally taking a seat ]
Steve Martin: Hi, I’m Steve, and I’m a stumblebum.
Kevin Nealon: Hi, Kevin, I’m a stumblebum, too.
[ Martin Short enters the room, stepping into a bucket and tripping into an American flagpole near the window ]
Martin Short: Hello! Sorry! Is this where the group therapy is?
Kevin Nealon: Yep.
Steve Martin: Yep.
Martin Short: [ takes a seat ] Okay! I’m Marty!
Steve Martin: Hi, Marty. I’m a stumblebum.
Kevin Nealon: Kevin, stumblebum.
Martin Short: Hi, Marty, stumblebum.
[ Chevy Chase opens the door and peers into the room ]
Chevy Chase: I’m sorry. I’m late. I’m very sorry.
[ in an attempt to close the door, Chevy accidentally pulls off the doorknob, bumping into a coffeepot sitting on an endtable next to the door. He then bangs his nose into the door before closing it. ]
Chevy Chase: I’m very sorry I’m late..
[ Chevy bumps into an easel, knocking it to the floor ]
Chevy Chase: Knock that down! [ laughs ]
[ Chevy steps into the flag, sending it crashing into the lamp and ruffling the venetian blinds covering the window. He salutes as the flag falls to the floor. He attempts to place his jacket onto a coat rack, but sends it crashing to the floor as well. He knocks a chalkboard around as well, until he finally manages to take his seat ]
Chevy Chase: Now.. welcome to the therapy session. Any questions? I’m your counselor. Nope? Well, get’s started.
[ extends his arms outward, causing the chair to fall to the floor ]
Chevy Chase: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”
Pat Stevens…..Nora Dunn Corazon Aquino…..Jan Hooks
[ open on Pat leafing through Vogue magazine ] Pat Stevens: Hi, thank you! Hello, everybody! Welcome to “The Pat Stevens Show”, I’m Pat Stevens. Well, you caught me doing my favorite thing – reading a good book! You know, I like to think of my mind as a big, empty bucket, just waiting to be filled with pictures and words and.. whatever. Surprise me! That’s why Vogue is my favorite book.. and you know, I have my own library – volumes and volumes of Vogue. You know, I can just refer to them. What was I thinking last October? Well, I can look, and it’s right her, between September and November! I just love leafing through the pictures.. I know there’s pain in the world, and poison and hunger and other bad things, but I love a jersey knit. [ sighs ] And the pictures are just so educational.. [ flips to a page ] Here’s one I just love. [ holds it up to the audience ] It’s a picture of a woman in a fur, and she has a baby. I’ve always thought that childrenmade the best accessories! Well, gals, please pick up a book, Icannot express that enough – they’re not that heavy. Let’s stand up, shall we? Let’s do that together, keeping our knees in a locked position.. [ she rises ] ..we rise up, and you want to create a what? A line, yes! And our feet are positioned so that we can move about very freely, going wherever we like.. You can tell I’m a former model – thank you! Well, we’re ready to meet our very, very special guest today. I’m very honored to have her here – Mrs. Corazon Aquino! [ Corazon walks up and sits down ] Wow.. it is just such an honor to have you here, Mrs. Aquino.
Corazon Aquino: Well, thank you. You can call me “Corie.”
Pat Stevens: Corie. I understand that you have been busy as a bee lately.
Corazon Aquino: [ laughs ] Yes, you might say that, Pat. We have been working out a ceasefire agreement with the insurgents. The truce begins December 10th, for 60 days, we’re very excited about it..
Pat Stevens: [ interrupting ] Okay, what about the shoes?
Corazon Aquino: [ confused ] The shoes?
Pat Stevens: Yes, the shoes!
Corazon Aquino: Uh.. shoes are not the issue here, Pat..
Pat Stevens: I mean, 3,000 pairs of shoes in the basement! Didyou keep any of them?
Corazon Aquino: Uh.. no..
Pat Stevens: Did you try them on, and wear them around the palace?
Corazon Aquino: No.
Pat Stevens: Corie, I mean.. 3,000 pairs of shoes! I mean, a bulldozer couldn’t have pulled me out of that room! You didn’t even try one pair on?
Corazon Aquino: Well.. I did try one pair on. Only one.But it was too small.
Pat Stevens: Well, try a shoe-stretcher, they’re miracle workers! Now, have you talked to Imelda lately?
Corazon Aquino: I have nothing to say to Imelda Marcos. She is a foolish, foolish woman, who lost her country due to her excessive greed and vanity. Uh.. she is despciable, and I have no respect for her whatever.
Pat Stevens: You know, I had a roommate like that in college. Ate my food, wore my clothes without asking.. Was Imelda like that? I mean, that just drove me up the wall! What did she say: “I have 3,000 pairs of shoes, but no, I’ll borrow your one pair! I have 500 cocktail dresses, but I’ll wearo ne of yours and spill something on it!”
Corazon Aquino: No, no, no, no.. excuse me, there are many concerns besides Imelda. I have a job that is very difficult. There are people who say I can’t do this job..
Pat Stevens: There are people who say I can’t do this job, and that’s another thing that burns my britches!
Corazon Aquino: Pat, if we could get off the subject of yourburning britches for one just minute.. I feel that the American peopleshould know that I am tough, I am a woman, and I can lead my country!
Pat Stevens: Well, you’ve convinced me, and certainly my viewers. But what about your husband? What does he think about this job that you’ve taken?
Corazon Aquino: [ shocked by the question ] My husband wasassassinated three years ago.
Pat Stevens: Are you dating?
Corazon Aquino: Am I dating? No! That’s not the priority here,Pat! I mean, maybe after the next insurgency problem has been corrected, when the economy is back on his feet, after we have a constitution.. when I feel the government is stabilized.. then, and only then will I consider a social life! [ sees Pat buried in her Vogue magazine ] Hello!
Pat Stevens: Oh! Will you look at these Italian shoes here? [ forces magazine upon Corazon ] Did Imelda have a pair like that? I tell you, I’d give up my country for 3,000 pairs of these! [ closing music starts ] Bye bye, I’m Pat Stevens! [ back to Corazon ] Come on, look!
Chevy Chase, Steve Martin & Martin Short’s Monologue
…..Chevy Chase …..Steve Martin …..Martin Short …..Lorne Michaels
[ the audience applauds wildly ]Martin Short: They like us! They like us!
Chevy Chase: Thank you!
[ Chevy throws his arms out and quiets the audience ]
Chevy Chase: Thank you very much, and good evening to you all.
Martin Short: First, I think, maybe, we should start out by saying our names. I’m Martin Short!
Steve Martin: And.. [ shrugs in acknowledgment ]
Chevy Chase: It’s great to be back in Studio 8H, and it’s great to be doing my old pratfalls. Let me just start by saying that I want you all to know.. uh.. I’ve been away for awhile, I was at a facility. And I really could not have done it without all of you. And that means you and you.. the letters and the cards.. uh, I don’t know how to thank you all enough.. and I certainly couldn’t have done it without the support of my friends here. It feels great to be, uh.. I’m in good shape.. I feel loose, I did a little fall.. it wasn’t a big deal, I got a little twitch in my back..
Steve Martin: Did you hurt yourself over there?
Chevy Chase: A little.
Steve Martin: Take a back pill! Take it.
Chevy Chase: [ resisting ] No, no, I can’t.
Steve Martin: Give him a back pill!
Chevy Chase: No! No!
[ Steve holds Chevy back as Martin throws back pills into his mouth ]
Chevy Chase: Enough!! Enough!! [ breaks free ]
Martin Short: Alright!
Steve Martin: Hey, you know what you need?
Chevy Chase: What?
Steve Martin: A drink. Give him a drink!
[ Martin holds a flask over Chevy’s mouth ]
Chevy Chase: I know, Happy New Year! Alright, alright.
Steve Martin: I’d like to say something. You know, I haven’t been on this stage for a couple of years, and I’m very happy to be here.. it brings back a lot of memories for me.. when the energy was flowing, and, uh.. the old.. uh.. confidence was there.. [ sighs, almost sweating ] Could you guys take care of the show for me, please? [ walks off ]
Chevy Chase: What’s wrong with him?
Martin Short: Steve?
Chevy Chase: Steve?
Steve Martin: Could you handle the show for me, please? Don’t embarrass me any more!
Martin Short: [ to Chevy ] I should go and talk to him. Should I go and talk to him? Yeah! [ runs after Steve ] Steve! Steve! Steve! [ passes him in the hall ] Oh! [ stops ] Steve! Steve, what’s wrong?
Steve Martin: [ upset ] I don’t know! It’s just that you guys have all the talent, I don’t have any talent, I never did! They’re gonna see right through me, they’re gonna know I’m a sham, I was a fake! They’re gonna say, “What did we ever see in that buffoon?!”
Martin Short: What are you talking about?
Steve Martin: I don’t want to hog anything from you guys!
[ Chevy has finally caught up with them at the end of the hall ]
Martin Short: You’re not! You are being ridiculous! What would Katherine Hepburn say at a moment like this? Can you imagine what she would say?
Steve Martin: No?
Martin Short: She’d say.. [ breaks into Katherine Hepburn voice ] “Listen to me, mister! I’m telling you that you’ve done this a thousand times before, darling, and you’ll do it again! Why do you question it? So I want you to look fear in the eye and say, “To hell with you! I think I’ll survive, thank you very much!””
Chevy Chase: You can do it, Steve! You just go out there and be yourself – you’re you!
Martin Short: Yes!
Steve Martin: Yeah. You’re right. Just be.. me! Thanks, amigos! [ continues to walk down the hall, reflecting ] What was I thinking about? I’ve faced a lot tougher things than this. I’ve gotten through it all, too! I mean, this is nothing! After all, I’m me!
I’m gonna climb to the top of the tree! I’m gonna ford that stream! Gonna make all the world mine! That’s right! And nobody’s gonna stop me!”
[ the cast and crew now appears behind Steve ]
Steve Martin: Wait a minute.. Or, are they?
Cast: No.. no.. no..
Steve Martin: Could they?
Cast: No.. no.. no.. no.. no.. no..
Steve Martin: Naaaaaahhhhh!!
“I’m me! Nobody’s gonna stop me! Not you, or you, or you, or you!”
Stagehand: Sorry, sir, you can’t come in here.
[ Steve punches him across the face; cast cheers ]
Joe Disco: It’s him!
Steve Martin: It’s really, really me!
Cast: Yes, it’s him, it’s really him!
Steve Martin: And you know something folks? I feel.. [ stops ] But, wait. What if I’m a girl? Why, then, I’ll be the best darn girl there ever was! Because I’m me!
And they’re ain’t nobody gonna stop me! And, you know.. if someone takes a knife, and they stick it in my guts, and all my guts spill out all over the floor. You know what I’m gonna do?
Cast: What? What?
Steve Martin: I’m gonna pick up my guts and stick ’em back inside! That’s right, inside me!
“I’m gonna climb that tree I’m gonna climb that tree I’m gonna climb that mountain I’m gonna.. climb this ladder!
Put anything in front of me, I’m gonna climb it! Ha!
I’m gonna get off that ladder! I..” Hey, wait! Hold it!
[ stops ]
I’ve lost my place. Let me see that cue card. Hold it. [ grabs cue card ] “I’m me. Yes, me.” I said, “:Me is me..” Ah! Here it is!
I’m me! You’re not me! And you’re not me! And you’re not me!
[ Steve’s earlier self, complete with white suit and fake arrow through his head rises before him ]
Steve Martin: Well, I don’t care if you are me, ’cause I’m the me-est me there ever was!
[ Steve enters Lorne’s office through a window ]
Lorne Michaels: Are you about through, Steve?
Steve Martin: Almost. Hey, wait a minute! Look! [ poimts to his image on a studio monitor ] Why, it’s me watching me watching me!
Cast: “It’s him! Yes, it’s him! There he goes! There he goes! He’s on his way to the place that he’s go-ingggggg!”
[ Steve and the cast and crew shimmy to the front of the stage ]
Cast: “He’s really moving! He’s rolling through now! And wow, and wow, and wowwww!”
Steve Martin: “Gonna get to where I’m going gonna get there fast! That magical place, it’s just around the corner! Why, I can almost smell it! That place called.. there!”
[ points to Home Base, where a long-since bored Chevy and Martin are playing Checkers ]
Steve Martin: “Yes, world, I’m here! ‘Cause I’m meeee-eeeee-eeeee-eeee!!”
Reporter…..Nora Dunn President Reagan…..Phil Hartman William Casey…..Jon Lovitz White House Aide…..Dennis Miller Staffer #1…..A. Whitney Brown Staffer #2…..Kevin Nealon Jimmy Stewart…..Dana Carvey
[ open on exterior, White House ]
[ dissolve to interior, Oval Office, President Reagan being interviewedby a reporter ]
Reporter: And finally, Mr. President, about the Iran-Nicaraguanconnection. Some may wonder which was worse: your knowing or your notknowing?
President Reagan: [ slow ] Well.. all I can say is.. I didn’t know. And, well.. we’re trying to find out what happened, because.. none of us know.
Reporter: Well, thank you, Mr. President.
President Reagan: [ shaking her hand ] Well.. I hope I’ve answered your questions as best I could.. given the very little I know. Goodbye, and God bless you. Thank you very much. [ she exits the Oval Office, as Reagan suddenly alters his personality to a take-charge attitude ] Okay, get back in here! [ his staffers enter the Oval Office from the adjacent room ] Alright, let’s get down to business! I’m only going to go through this once, so it’s essential that you pay attention! 1: Casey!
William Casey: Yes, Sir!
President Reagan: You’ll spearhead our new operation to fund theContras. The C-5As with the TOW missiles and the grenade launchers will leave for South Africa at 0800 hours! I want you to supervise the loading. 2: Regan!
Don Regan: Yes, Sir.
President Reagan: Well.. I’m afriad you’re going to have to resign. But.. first you’ll make a public statement supporting me, which I wrote myself. It’s over there on the word processor, just key in and press 5. The code name is..? [ Regan shrugs his shoulders ] Oh, alright, I’ll do it for you! Now, any questions? [ Casey raises his hand ] Yes.
William Casey: Mr. President, you’re going so fast. There’s still a lot about the Iran-Contra Affair I don’t understand..
President Reagan: And you don’t need to understand! I’m the President! Only I need to understand! Is that clear?
William Casey: Yes.
President Reagan: Alright. [ presses button to make art print onwall lower to reveal a multi-colored map of the world ] Carlucci, you’re new, here’s how we run things. The red countries are the countries we sell arms to. The green countries are the countries where we wash our money. The blue countries are..
White House Aide: [ entering ] Excuse me, Mr. President, Sir?
President Reagan: Yes?
White House Aide: It’s your 11:30 photo opportunity – the littlegirl who sold the most Girl Scout cookies?
President Reagan: Damn! Okay, let’s get it over with.Everybody out. [ staffers get up ] Come on, come on! Move! [ they exit ] This is the part of the job I hate! [ the Girl Scout enters, as Reagan alters back to his senile personality ] Well.. hello, little girl.. what’s your name?
Girl Scout: Lisa Meyers.
President Reagan: Well, Lisa.. if you’re that good a saleslady..maybe I could use you up on Capitol Hill.. [ laughs ] Well, it was nice meeting you.
White House Aide: Come on, Lisa, come on.
Girl Scout: Bye.
President Reagan: Bye bye! [ Girl Scout exits Oval Office ] Okay, back to work! [ staff re-enters ] Afghanistan needs more money. We’ve got $65.2 million tucked away in Zurich. Now, if we hold it there for another 30 days, at 7.28% interest, that’s.. roughly.. $400,000.
Staffer #1: [ with calculator ] $397,200..
President Reagan: .. and 85! I know! Don’t waste my time! But.. if we take out only $20 million, we lose.. let’s see, let’s see.. that’s..
Staffer #1: $121,800..
President Reagan: and 16! Thank you so much![ intercom buzzes ] Yes?
Voice on Intercom: Mr. President? It’s Mr. Kuran Hasaf Husad.
President Reagan: Alright, put him on the speaker.
Voice on Speaker: [ speaking in Arabic accent ]
President Reagan: [ Reagan responds in Arabic accent ]
President Reagan: B’aska lim! [ hangs up ] Well, gentlemen, I just concluded a very lucrative deal with the Iraqis.
Staffer #2: Mr. President, it just occurred to me. What if something happens to you? You’re the only one who knows what’s going on.
President Reagan: [ angry ] And that’s the way it’s going to stay! To quote Montesquieu: “Power without knowledge is power lost!”
White House Aide: [ entering ] Mr. President, it’s Jimmy Stewart.
President Reagan: Oh, Damn! Now?!
White House Aide: He says he’s had an appoinment with you for two months now.
President Reagan: Oh, alright, alright.. let’s get on with it. Everyone out. [ they exit, as Jimmy Stewart is shown in ] Hello, Jimmy.
[ they shake hands ]
Jimmy Stewart: Yeah, well, hi, Dutch! How are you? I’m sorry, Mr. President! You know, I’m having the hardest time getting used to that!
President Reagan: Well, we sure had great times back in Hollywood..
Jimmy Stewart: Aw, you can say that again, Dutch, we-we-we certainly did, yeah!
President Reagan: Well.. it was good seeing you, Jimmy.
Jimmy Stewart: Well, wha-wha-what are you talking about? I just got here, for crying out loud!
President Reagan: Well, I know, but.. uh, I have a.. well, a meeting.
Jimmy Stewart: Well, that’s just great! That’s just great! I’ll just stick around, that’s it, I’ll just stick around, and it’ll be wha-what? Educationl for me! Yeah!
President Reagan: Jimmy, I’m sorry, you can’t stay.
Jimmy Stewart: Well, come on, Dutch..
President Reagan: Jimmy! Don’t make me have to kill you!
Jimmy Stewart: Kill me? Wha-what? Kill me! Wha-wha.. since when is it a crime to visit your friend? I mean, what are you gonna do, have your Secret Service boys come in here and just blow me away? You’ve changed, Dutch, you’ve really changed!
President Reagan: Oh, Jimmy, please try to understand..
Jimmy Stewart: [ turns to leave ] For crying out loud! You’ve turned into a real jerk, you know that, you sonofa.. [ exits ]
President Reagan: Please, Jimmy.. okay, good! [ staff re-enters ] Alright, now listen. I want to discuss the cover-up. Here’s my plan: the NSC Review Board. We’ll buy Tower, bribe him, jsut flat out buy him! Now, we’ll dose Muskie with mood-altering drugs! [ laughs ] By the time Muskie knows what day it is, the ’88 elections will be over! [ continues to laugh ]
[ cut to a clock on the mantel, the hours speeding by rapidly ]
[ cut to close-up of Reagan behind his desk in great thought ]
President Reagan: ..so, if we channel the $72 million through Ivan Boesky, we’ll have enough left over for Syria and South Ghana. Now, next point on the agenda is.. [ notices all the members of his staff asleep in their chairs ] Ed? Donald? Hello-o! Well, just me again.. great. Well, I’ve been doing it this way for six yers, why should I change now? [ checks his watch ] 3am.. [ dials phone ] The banks should be opening in Zurich right about now..
[ speaks German into phone as the scene pans out and ends ]
AnnouncerÂ…Don Pardo MomÂ…Jan Hooks ScottÂ…Kevin Nealon DannyÂ…Martin Short DadÂ…Steve Martin
(Fade in)
(SUPER Bumper: THE EGGSHELL FAMILY THIS WEEK: THE PHONE CALL)
(Cue Music – kind of “Leave It To Beaver” theme music)
Announcer: Now it’s time for another episode of “The Eggshell Family”. Tonight: “The Phone Call”.
(Open on in a family living room, Scott and Danny sit at a table playing Scrabble; Mom sitting on the couch knitting)
Danny: Mom?
Mom: Yes.
Danny: Never mind.
Mom: No, no, honey, you were gonna say something, what was it?
Danny: Well, maybe Scott should ask. ThatÂ’s okay if itÂ’s all right with the both of you.
Mom: Well honey, itÂ’s certainly okay with me, I mean if itÂ’s okay with Scott. Scott?
Scott: Well, Danny and I were just wondering if you thought it might hurt DadÂ’s feelings if, you know, we washed the car.
Mom: Oh boys, I tell you, I just donÂ’t know. Your father is a very sensitive man; you realize that, donÂ’t you?
Danny: Maybe we shouldnÂ’t!
Mom: Well, I didnÂ’t say you shouldnÂ’t.
(Telephone rings)
Danny: IÂ’ll get it! (Starts getting up from his seat to answer the telephone) Unless I shouldnÂ’t.
Mom: (confused) Ah, no. You should. I guess.
(Danny walks over the telephone, rather nervously)
Danny: Well, here it goes. (Answers the phone) Hello, Eggshell residence. Could you just hold one second?
Mom: What do you they want?
Danny: They want to talk to Dad.
Mom: Well, who is it?
Danny: I donÂ’t ask. Should I have asked?
Scott: Well, YES! Right?
Danny: Yes or no? What?
Mom: Yes.
Danny: May I ask who’s calling? (To Mom & Scott) It’s Ray from Dad’s Bowling Team. He just wanted to say “hi”. What do I do? What do I do?
Mom: Stall! Stall!
Danny: Hi, Ray! SoÂ…(To Mom & Scott) He asked it this was a bad time! What should I say, that it was or wasnÂ’t?
(Dad suddenly comes down the stairs from the second floor of the house; attempts to kiss his wife, nervously, then they both decide not to kiss; Danny stands by the phone, nervously laying the receiver of the telephone on the floor, dangling off the table the telephone sits on; Dad picks a chair to sit at and opens his newspaper and begins reading it)
Scott: (To Mom & Danny) Maybe one of us should say something.
Danny: Well Mom, youÂ’re his wife.
Dad: Is something wrong?
Danny: No. What do you mean?
Dad: No, I just thoughtÂ…thatÂ…never mind.
Danny: Okay.
(Mom moves over to the other side of the couch to attempt to inform her husband about the telephone call)
Mom: Listen, I donÂ’t know how exactly to say this, butÂ…Is your chair comfortable?
Dad: Oh sure, why? Did you want to sit here?
Mom: No.
Dad: Are you sure? Would you rather sit here? Would you rather sit here?
Mom: Do you want me to sit there?
Dad: Only if you want me to sit there.
(Mom & Dad switch seats)
Scott: Dad?
Dad: Do you want to sit here?
(Scott moves from his seat at the table to where Dad was just sitting on the couch)
Dad & Scott: Okay. Okay.
Scott: Okay, Dad, donÂ’t take this the wrong way, butÂ…thereÂ’s a phone call for you.
(Dad gets up quickly, nervous about the telephone call)
Danny: It’s Ray. He’s just calling to say “hi”.
Dad: Hi?
Danny: Yes.
Dad: Did you tell him I was home?
Danny: ShouldnÂ’t I have?
Dad: No, not necessarily. Whatever you think. What did you tell him?
Danny: Well, I didnÂ’t really know which one to say. What should IÂ…
Dad: Whichever one you felt was best.
Danny: Well, to be perfectly frank, I donÂ’t think I said one or the other.
(Danny & Dad proceed to talk over each other, then share a laugh about it)
Dad: You go ahead.
Danny: No, I interrupted you.
Dad: No, no, you were talking.
Danny: WellÂ…I forgot what I was going to say.
Dad: So did I.
(Dad proceeds to go towards the telephone to answer the call)
Dad: Well, I guess thereÂ’s no reason not to answer it! Unless you can think of a reason!
Danny: I canÂ’t!
(Dad picks up the telephone receiver)
Dad: Hello? (To his family) He hung up!
(Mom, Scott and Danny all have a sigh of relief)
(Cue Music the same “Leave It To Beaver” theme music from the start of the sketch)
(SUPER bumper: THE EGGSHELL FAMILY NEXT WEEK: A LETTER ARRIVES)
Announcer: Join us next week for episode #7 – “A Letter Arrives”.
Announcer/Traveler #1…..Phil Hartman Terry Halsey…..Eric Idle Clive Roarke…..Dana Carvey Traveler #2…..Steve Martin Traveler #3/Airport Announcer…..Nora Dunn Traveler #4…..Jon Lovitz Traveler #5…..Martin Short
FADE IN:
[ STOCK FOOTAGE OF HEATHROW INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT ]
Announcer: Heathrow Airport. Gateway to London. The crossroads of Europe. But for the misguided few who try to bring in contraband, it’s the end of the line. Even the cleverest of smugglers will find his match here; thanks to two men — Halsey & Roarke, British Customs.
[ TITLE CARD: HALSEY & ROARKE, BRITISH CUSTOMS ]
[ INT. HEATHROW AIRPORT – BRITISH CUSTOMS – DAY ]
[ Two constables apprehend the FIRST TRAVELER in line and drag him away. ]
Clive Roarke: All right! Make way! Excitement’s over! Show’s over! Give him room!
Traveler #1: BUT I DIDN’T DO ANYTHING!!!
[ Those in line clear the way. ]
Clive Roarke: Doesn’t matter what you do! Give him room! Good eye, Terry! I might have let that one slip through.
Terry Halsey: Just a lucky strike, Clive. Just a lucky shot in the dark. He seemed a little too nonchalant, you know? “Tra-la-la-la-la-la! I’m going through Customs!” Alright, next please.
[ The SECOND TRAVELER in line steps up. ]
Clive Roarke: Good morning! Please put your bag on the counter.
[ Traveler #2 obliges. ]
Terry Halsey: Anything to declare, sir?
Traveler #2: Ah, yes. I got this in Rome.
[ Traveler #2 pulls out a box of chocolates. ]
Terry Halsey: Oh! Chocolates! Very sweet.
[ Halsey opens the box. ]
Terry Halsey: Well, you nearly have enough for everybody in the line…
Clive Roarke: That’s nice!
Terry Halsey: Do you mind? May I?
Traveler #2: Well… sure.
[ Halsey takes out the entire tray of chocolates from the box. ]
Clive Roarke: Do you have anything else to declare today?
Traveler #2: No I don’t.
[ Halsey showcases the lace sheet in the box. ]
Terry Halsey: What a lovely lace bottom this has, Sir!
[ Halsey scans the box again. ]
Terry Halsey: Wait a minute! Wait a tick! ‘Allo!
[ Halsey peels the lace sheet to reveal another tray of chocolates. ]
Terry Halsey: ‘Allo! What’s this!?
Traveler #2: More chocolates.
Terry Halsey: Well, well… The old “False Bottom Trick”! Isn’t that cozy, Clive? See this – we come to the end of the box…
Clive Roarke: Yes.
Terry Halsey: It’s the bottom…
Clive Roarke: Mm-hmm.
Terry Halsey: Or is it?
Clive Roarke: Oh!
[ Roarke places the sheet back on then re-peels it. ]
Clive Roarke: ‘Allo! What’s this? A secret compartment!
Terry Halsey: ‘Allo! Bold as life! You’ve got some nerve, Sonny! What’s the matter? Double your pleasure, eh?
Traveler #2: Those are chocolates! They always come in —
[ Two constables drag the traveler away. ]
Clive Roarke: Take him away! Let him through! Let him through!
[ A THIRD TRAVELER steps up to the desk. ]
Terry Halsey: Next! Anything to declare, madam?
Traveler #3: I don’t think so. I’m just in from New York.
Terry Halsey: New York!?
Traveler #3: Yeah.
Terry Halsey: Crikey!
[ Halsey pulls out a L’Eggs egg from her purse. ]
Terry Halsey: This egg, Clive… Seem a little… on the larger size to you?
Clive Roarke: I suppose so. I’m not much of an egg eater, but it’s a bit big.
[ Roarke flicks the egg twice. ]
Clive Roarke: Wait a minute! ‘Allo! That’s queer!
[ Roarke hands the egg to Halsey. ]
Terry Halsey: ‘Allo!
[ Halsey breaks open the egg. ]
Halsey & Roarke: ‘ALLO!!!
[ Halsey pulls out pantyhose and holds it high. ]
Terry Halsey: Well, Cock-a-Doodle Do!!
Traveler #3: They’re stockings. They’re built that way.
Clive Roarke: Step aside!! We don’t want to hear it!
[ Two constables drag the female traveler away. ]
Clive Roarke: Let her through! Show’s over! Imagine trying a thing like that?
Terry Halsey: Why do they risk it? A nice woman like that…
Clive Roarke: The sport, the thrill of the chase – I suppose.
Terry Halsey: Next please.
[ A FOURTH TRAVELER steps up to the desk. ]
Terry Halsey: Anything to declare?
Traveler #4: No, just this.
[ The traveler hands Halsey a fine wooden chess board. ]
Traveler #4: I bought it in Spain.
Terry Halsey: Oh!! Very nice!
[ Halsey reviews the chess board. ]
Terry Halsey: A handsome wooden block! Nice decorative inlay.
Traveler #4: Well, no, actually it’s a —
Terry Halsey: Please, sir… May I do my job? Do you mind? Thank you very mu —
[ Halsey notices the latch to the chess board. ]
Terry Halsey: ‘Allo!
Clive Roarke: ‘Allo?
Terry Halsey: What’s this thing? A tiny little latch!
[ Halsey opens the latch and all the chess pieces fall out. ]
Halsey & Roarke: ‘ALLO!!!
Clive Roarke: It seems we have some little stowaways here…
Terry Halsey: Lovely little concealed carvings! All hidden away!
Clive Roarke: Third one today.
Terry Halsey: Why do they do it?
Clive Roarke: It’s a character weakness.
Traveler #4: It’s a chess board!
Terry Halsey: Just like all the other ones! How do they take us for!
Clive Roarke: Take him out! Take him out!
[ Two constables drag the traveler away. ]
Terry Halsey: Clear the way, folks! Don’t block the way!
Clive Roarke: Bring it in! Bring it in!
[ A FIFTH TRAVELER, wearing a large, hooded, reversible winter jacket, approaches the desk. ]
Traveler #5: ‘ALLO!
[ Halsey & Roarke exchange looks of suspicion. ]
Terry Halsey: What have you got to declare?
Traveler #5: Nothing! No luggage!! Sorry!
Terry Halsey: I see. There’s something I don’t like about him.
Clive Roarke: The nose?
Terry Halsey: Maybe the jacket…
Clive Roarke: Oh… Sir, could you possibly remove, the, uh, “jacket”?
Traveler #5: Certainly.
[ He removes his jacket. ]
Terry Halsey: Humor me for a moment, Clive.
Clive Roarke: All-righty!
[ Halsey & Roarke each put one arm into the jacket. ]
Terry Halsey: Just a tick…
[ Halsey & Roarke each hold onto one side of the collar. ]
Terry Halsey: Pull!!
[ The jacket reverses. ]
Halsey & Roarke: ‘ALLO!!!
Traveler #5: It’s a reversible jacket. It’s designed to do that.
Terry Halsey: Evidently!
Clive Roarke: Of course it was! Just not quite so soon, eh mate?
[ Two constables drag the traveler away. ]
Terry Halsey: Let him through – the excitement’s over.
Traveler #5: WAIT A MINUTE! It’s not mine. I found the jacket.
Terry Halsey: You found it!?
Traveler #5: Yes, yes…
Terry Halsey: Well, then, that’s all right! On your way then!
[ The constables release him and he quickly exits. ]
Terry Halsey: Next please.
Airport Announcer (V/O): Attention please, all passengers, the British Customs Detention Center is all filled to capacity. Passengers may proceed to the main terminal.
Terry Halsey: Filled up!? It’s not even noon yet!?!?
Clive Roarke: They have to build a new detention center. They have to!
Terry Halsey: All right, move along…
Halsey & Roarke: ‘Allo, ‘allo…
[ Halsey signals for all the passengers to proceed. All do without hesitation. ]
Dad…..Chevy Chase Mom…..Jan Hooks Paul Williams….. Fifi…..Victoria Jackson
[ open on interior, suburban living room, as Dad enters to watch the big game from the comfort of his beloved couch ]
Dad: Okay, let’s go Jets! Whee-hee-hee!
Mom: Hey, honey, I’m doing these Christmas cards. These are for you to sign.
Dad: Not now, babe, we’re about to kick off. [ sits on the couch ] Alright.. got my BLT. where are my chips? Pass me those chips. [ Son passes the chips to him ] I’ve got my beer.. and the channel changer, please? Honey, have you seen my channel changer?
Mom: Nope.
Dad: Kevin, where’s the changer? You had it last.
Son: Did not. Why don’t you just walk over there and change it yourself? It’s only five feet!
Dad: Because Daddy likes to flip around during the commercials. It’s one of Daddy’s great joys. Okay? So let’s help Daddy find his channel changer, okay? Where the hell is it? [ gets up to look around ]
Mom: Well, check the couch. Sometimes it falls back there behind the cushions.
[ Dad starts to dig underneath the cushions ]
Mom: Do you see it?
Dad: [ digging ] No.. Oh, God.. this is great! Here’s some change, that’s nice. A lot of it, too. [ drops handfuls of loose change onto the coffee table ] Look! Here we go, here we go.. I’ve got something here.. Scrabble letters! [ drops the tiles onto the coffee table ] Hey, here’s the J and the Q! That means the whole game we played last night doesn’t count! [ chuckles, as Mom groans ] Okay, where’s the changer?
Mom: I’m sure it’s there, just dig deeper.
Dad: [ with his hand down the back of the sofa ] I am. I’ve found some pens.. yeah, there’s always pens behind the couch. [ drops a handful of pens onto the coffee table ] It’s gotta be here! [ reaches something ] What have we got here? Hey, here’s TV Guide!
Mom: Oh.. great! Is it this week’s?
Dad: You tell me – Don Adams is on the cover. When was the last time you cleaned back here?
Mom: Come on.
Dad: [ reaches in again ] I think there’s some food here, can you believe it? [ pulls out two black bananas ] Yeah, bananas! You hungry, Kev? [ throws the black bananas at his son ] Come on, woof that down! [ digs deeper ] It’s gotta be here! [ pulls out a painting ] Hey, honey! Honey! It’s our Matisse! I don’t believe it!
Mom: [ excited ] Oh! And we thought it was stolen!
Dad: I know!
Son: Dad, didn’t the insurance company already pay you back for that?
Dad: Right, they did that, Kevin. But we’ll call them and send their check back first thing in the morning. [ digs deeper ] Let’s see, what’s this? Is this the channel changer? I think I’ve got it! [ pulls out a skeleton of a dog ] Why, it’s Fluffy! She’s gonna need your love now more than ever, Son. [ hands the bones to his son, as he digs deeper into the cushions ] Ah, let’s see here.. [ pulls out a cartridge ] hey, look at this, it’s an old 8-track cartridge! You don’t see these much any more. Paul Williams’ Greatest Hits!
Mom: Whatever happened to Paul Williams?
Dad: [ reaches behind the cushions ] Uh.. here he is.
Paul Williams: [ standing ] I think my butt’s asleep.
Dad: Excuse me, Paul? Did you happen to see a television chanel changer behind here?
Paul Williams: No, I’m afraid not.
Dad: Oh.
Paul Williams: Well, it was nice meeting you all. I’ll just let myself out.
Dad: You look good, you’ve lost weight.
Paul Williams: [ exits ] “Rainy days and mondays always get me down..”
Dad: He’s great, isn’t he? [ continues to dig for his channel changer, we can see his hand moving around at the bottom of the far end of the couch ] Oh, wait a minute! Wait a minute! I think I’ve got it! I’ve found it! There we are! [ pulls a maid out from behind the cushions ] Fifi! Where the hell have you been, I’ve been looking all over for you!
Fifi: I’m sorry, Mr. Reynolds, I must have slipped behind the..
Mom: Behind the cushion, I knew it! Didn’t I tell you?
Dad: [ aggravated ] Turn the TV on, would you, please?
Fifi: Yes, sir. [ walks over and changes the channel for Dad ]
Dad: Channel 7. Nice, Fifi, where have you been? 4..
Barb…..Jan Hooks Church Lady…..Dana Carvey Ginny Barton…..Victoria Jackson Minister Bob…..Chevy Chase
[ open on interior, church cafeteria during 5th Annual Church Potluck Luncheon ]
Barb: [ drinking heavily already ] Well, congratulations, Enid, on another wonderful church potluck luncheon. It’s just too bad that the rain had to keep everyone away from it, now isn’t it?
Church Lady: Well, those absentees afraid of a little moisture will be praying for rain when they’re burning in eternal hellfire!
Barb: Enid, I think that’s God’s decision, not yours.
Church Lady: Oh. Well, perhaps we’ll find ourselves one day in a lake of fire! In a rowboat, with one oar, going, “I should have been nicer!”
[ Barb steps aside, as Ginny Barton enters ]
Ginny Barton: I’m sorry I’m late, Church Lady, but I had to drop off a dish to my boyfriend’s invalid mother.
Church Lady: Well, apparently some of us show up when it’s con-vee-nient!
Ginny Barton: No. I couldn’t help it. I got tied up.
Church Lady: Well, isn’t that special? Apparently, some of us need little accoutrements to help us perform our dirty little sex acts!
Ginny Barton: No! Church Lady, I had to hand-feed his mother Jell-O, because her arthritis was so bad..
Church Lady: Well, there’s a pretty little picture. Us, in our clingy little dress and our red, sexual lips. Peter’s poor mother calling out, “Feed me, Jenny, feed me!” And you saying, “Not now, Granny, I’m busy fornicating!”
Ginny Barton: No, Church Lady! It wasn’t like that at all!
Church Lady: Well, I beg to differ. You probably just can’t remember much, dear. Not much blood makes it up to our little brain when our tingly, naughty parts are engorged! [ changes subject ] Well, I’m glad we can put that topic behind us now. Let’s look at your little luncheon dish.
Ginny Barton: [ holds up her small dish ] It’s called Cherry Jell-O Jubilee.
Church Lady: [ mocking ] Cherry Jell-O Jubilee. Well, isn’t that special? Oh, it’s red! What a super color, red! You know whose favorite color red is? Let’s see, let me think.. is it, um.. Little Red Riding Hood? No, that’s not it.. Is it.. Nancy Reagan? No, that’s not what I’m thinking of.. I’m stumped! Oh, wait a minute, Dodo-head, I know who I’m thinking of, that’s right – SATAN!! [ picks up Jenny’s small dish and compares it to the larger casserole she brought ] Well.. well.. isn’t that just super? As you can see, I brought a 95-quart turkey casserole, that could feed the Lord’s congregation.. and you bring a little tiny bowl of Jell-O. Well, I’m afraid my casserole’s just a little bit superior to yours. Therefore, I do my little Superior Dance! Pearl?
[ Pearl plays the organ, as Church Lady performs her Superior Dance; Minister Bob soon enters ]
Church Lady: Oh! Well, look, everybody! It’s Minister Bob!
Minister Bob: Hello, everybody!
Everyone: Hi, Minister Bob!!
Minister Bob: Oh, my, my! Don’t we look lovely today!
Everyone: Thank you, Minister Bob!!
Minister Bob: [ to Church Lady ] And, you, especially.
Church Lady: [ blushing ] You know what, Minister Bob? Satan hates you, because you’re so good!
Minister Bob: [ chuckles ] And he can’t stand your guts, either, Church Lady!
Church Lady: Oh, Minister Bob, you’re just the cutest thing in pants! You’re a super Minister Bob!
Minister Bob: Well, I try!
Church Lady: Others try. You do!
[ Barb re-enters the room, drunk as hell ]
Barb: Hey! Hey, Church Lady! You’re so damn high and mighty, aren’t ya’, huh? But you know what I really think of your turkey casserole? It sucks!!
Minister Bob: Now, now, now! Now, just calm down!
[ Barb is pulled back ]
Church Lady: Oh, Barb’s intoxicated in public! Isn’t that special!
Minister Bob: Now, hold your horses, little one!
Barb: Oh, you butt out, Bob! This is between me and her! I’ve been waiting to get to her for twelve years!
Church Lady: [ ready to fight ] I wouldn’t try it, Barb! I would tear you apart! Come on, I want to eat you!
Minister Bob: [ breaks them apart ] That’s enough! Settle down now! Now, Barb?
Barb: What?
Minister Bob: I just want to calm you down a little, and I’m gonna tell you a little joke.
Barb: Alright, what?
Minister Bob: Knock-knock.
Barb: Who’s there?
Minister Bob: Barb’s large liver.
Barb: [ confused ] Barb’s large liver who?
Minister Bob: I don’t know, Barb. But I do know this: you’re gonna have to answer to a higher power.
Church Lady: Oh. And who might that be?
Minister Bob: Ohhh.. I don’t know.
Church Lady: Could it be..?
Minister Bob: Ohhh.. it’s possible.
Church Lady: You mean?
Minister Bob: Yes, I think we’re both talking about..
Church Lady & Minister Bob: SATAN!!
[ upset, Barb falls across the room and stumbles onto a nearby table ]
Church Lady: Well, it looks like we’re just a little bit superior to others!
Minister Bob: It looks like it, doesn’t it?
Church Lady: Yes. Well, you know what that is? It’s special!
Minister Bob: Oh? Isn’t that special?
Church Lady: Pearl!
[ Pearl plays the organ, as Church Lady and Minister Bob perform their Superior Dance to fade ]
President Ronald Reagan…..Robin Williams Aide #1…..Kevin Nealon Aide #2…..Phil Hartman Reporter #1…..Dana Carvey Reporter #2…..Victoria Jackson Reporter #3…..Jan Hooks
[ open on interior, White House – Presidential Aides helping Ronald Reagan put in an earpiece ]
President Ronald Reagan: Uh.. Iran, Iraq.. stalagmite, stalactite..
Aide #1: Here you go, sir. You’re all set for the press conference.
President Ronald Reagan: Are you sure they won’t be able to see it at all? It feels just like my hearing aid!
Aide #2: Mr. President, about the radio transmitter – now, instead of briefing you thoroughly, as we usually do, which tends to tire and confuse you, we decided to use the receiver. If you’re stumped for an answer, I’ll talk into the mike, and it’ll be transmitted directly into the receiver, and, so..
President Ronald Reagan: Whoa! Just like radio! [ Aides laugh ] Well, that’s fine with me!
Speaker’s Voice; [ from the Press Room ] Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States!
President Ronald Reagan: Well, that’s my cue, boys! You say Iran, I say Iraq – let’s call the whole thing a deal! [ enters the Press Room singing “Zip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah” ] Be seated. [ press sits, Reagan pauses ]
Aide #2: [ in the other room, tuned in on the transmitter ] My God.. “Ladies and gentlemen of the Press..”
President Ronald Reagan: Excuse me! [ exits Press Room, returns to his Aides ] I knew that! I was just taking a dramatic pause! I’m not stupid! Thank you. [ exits back to the Press Room ] Thank you – deja vu! Be seated. Ladies and gentlemen of the Press, I’m ready for your questions. [ hands start waving ] Milt?
Reporter #1: Mr. President, in light of recent events, do you feel the secret arms deal to Iran was a mistake?
President Ronald Reagan: Well.. I was expecting you to ask that. And I would like to answer that with a definitive.. uh..
Aide #2: [ in back room ] “No!”
President Ronald Reagan: No!
[ reporters start waving their hands – “Mr. President! Mr. President!” ]
Aide #2: Not him.. not him, either..
President Ronald Reagan: Not him, either.
Aide #2: Trudy!
President Ronald Reagan: Not you!
Aide #2: Trudy!
President Ronald Reagan: Eeeny-meeney-miney.. Trudy! Trudy!
Reporter #2: Mr. President, this may seem like a lob..
President Ronald Reagan: Well, I’m here to serve!
Reporter #2: What would you enjoy talking about?
President Ronald Reagan: Well.. I’m glad you asked that, Trudy, because.. [ his signal starts to pick up other frequencies, confusing him ] “1 Adam-12! 1 Adam-12!”
Aide #1: [ in back room ] We’re getting interference, it sounds like a police report..
President Ronald Reagan: “Well, you know, 3, we have a 518 in progress, and the perpetrator’s a burly male Negro, 5-feet 8-inches tall, 145 pounds.”
Aide #2: Mr. President? We’re getting some intereferece on that frequency – that was not me, that was a police report.
Reporter #2: Mr. President, I’m sorry, but what were you referring to?
President Ronald Reagan: Well, I’m, uh.. I’m, uh..
Aide #2: “I was just describing..”
President Ronald Reagan: “I was just describing..”
Aide #2: “..our new ambassador to South Africa.”
President Ronald Reagan: “..our new ambassador to South Africa.” [ more reporters start clamoring for questions ] Yes. Yes! [ points to Reporter #3 ]
Reporter #3: Mr. President, why don’t you just admit the arms deal was a mistake?
President Ronald Reagan: Well.. I’m glad you asked that, because this is one that I’m ready for, because.. [ starts to lose his signal again ] ..”Whoa! Kareem goes in on the inside! Passes to Magic! Swish! That’s two points! Bango!”
Aide #2: Mr. President, we’re going to try different frequencies. Until then, you may have to wing it.
President Ronald Reagan: “Well, you may have to wing it!” [ loses signal again ] What I’m trying to say, is the Ayatollah is a “swish!” And, wait a minute.. “back to our traffic helicopter out there on the Potomac, seems we’re backed up all the way to the Bridge, Bob!” [ starts beating his chest to sound like a helicopter ] I don’t know, I.. “I’m a rapper, a rapper! See me now, say, whoo-ah, whoo-ah, whoo-ah!” Whoa! Look out! [ repeats messages on a Spanish station ] “Yes, Dr. Ruth, I’ve always had this problem with premature..” [ switches signals again ] Wait a minute.. “Yes, it’s an all non-stop Doors weekend – Hello, I love you, won’t you tell me your name?” [ signal gives off a high-pitched squeal ] Wait! “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“
Air Date:
