Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 8: Episode 10


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


January 22nd, 1983

Lily Tomlin

None

Andy Kaufman

Clint Smith
Big Star Eddie Murphy

Montage

Lily Tomlin’s Monologue

Public Survival Announcement

Ma Bell Saleswoman

Speaking as a WomanRecurring Characters: Michael Nash, Dustin Hoffman, Joan Rivers.

A Public Service Announcement

Edith Ann’s Storytime

Solomon’s New CoatRecurring Characters: Pudge, Solomon.

Bag Lady Trudy in the Audience

Saturday Night News with Brad HallRecurring Characters: Havnagootiim Vishnuuerheer.

Pervis Hawkins Sings

FantasyRecurring Characters: Leslie Uggams.

The Irish Radio HourRecurring Characters: Siobhan Cahill, Father Timothy Owens.

Coffees of the World

Jogger MotelNote: Repeat from 10/31/81.

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 8: Episode 9

82i: Eddie Murphy / Lionel Richie

Rubik’s Grenade

Narrator: First there was Rubik’s Cube – baffling.

Then there was Rubik’s Snake – ingenious.

Next there was Rubik’s Revenge – mind bending.

Now comes the ultimate challenge – Rubik’s Grenade. The thrill of a lifetime in the palm of you hand. Just scramble the colors, pull the pin, and then begin. You’ve got exactly ten seconds to put those colors back in order.

[Shows a pair of hands desperately trying to solve the puzzle]

Rubik’s Grenade. Maybe the last puzzle you’ll never solve.

[A huge explosion is heard as smoke fills the screen]

Just in time for Christmas.

Submitted by: Larry Petit

SNL Transcripts

Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 8: Episode 9

82i: Eddie Murphy / Lionel Richie

Eddie Murphy’s Monologue

…..Eddie Murphy

Don Pardo V/O: Ladies and gentlemen, EddieMurphy!

Eddie Murphy: Thank you. Thank you. Ah, it’s -it’s good to be back in New York, uh … And it’s– itwas fun working with these kids this week, I had a great time. … I really can’t believe how hard they work here on this show and it’s like – it was, like, watching the process, seeing them pull together was a lot of fun for me, a nice experience. And a lot of things have been happening in my life right now. I just recorded a comedy album, I have a movie out called 48 Hours and things have–

I just moved into a house on Long Island which is very spooky. [cheers and applause for Long Island] LongIsland! Old, uh, Jewish man died in my house. … And it’s a Jewish ghost in my house which is very nerve-wracking. You’re walkin’ through the house and you hear: [old Jewish man’s voice] “Boo! … Get off my lawn, you schwartze! … [cheers and applause]Boo-ooo! I’m under the bed now! …. Or maybe I’m not. Who knows? Maybe. I could be. Who cares? … I could be under the bed.”

[normal voice] It’s real scary. You know what I was wondering about movies? I was watching those movies –I’m moving out of my house, I was watching movies like Poltergeist and Amityville Horror. Why don’t the people just get the hell out of the house?… You can’t make a horror movie with black people init ‘cuz the movie’d stop, you’d see niggers runnin’ down the street, the movie’s over! … That’s the movie. You can’t have a movie like that. See, white people, you all sit on the toilet, see blood in the toilet, and you all go get Ajax. … Brothers won’t sit on the toilet. … Movie be just like this:[brother’s voice] “Wow, baby, this is beautiful. We got chandelier hangin’ up here, kids outside playin’, it’s a beautiful neighborhood, I really love – this is beaut–” [demonic whisper] “Get out!” [brother’svoice] “Too bad we can’t stay.” [instantly spins, starts walking upstage] … [cheers and applause, Eddie returns to face the crowd, wipes hisnose]

My nose is runnin’ and I don’t want to look– people thinking’ I’m nasty. I have a cold. … I was playin’ ball today. You ever play basketball when you have a cold? And make a fast move and snot shoot out at ya?[whips his head around, pretends to get hit in the eye by a cold blob of snot] … Ah, that was in bad taste,I shouldn’t’ve did it. But it was funny, so what? …

Here’s some more stuff in bad taste. [pulls sunglasses out of pocket, puts them on, does his Stevie Wonderimpression, head rocking slowly from side to side] …[cheers and applause, Eddie as Stevie claps his hands and croons wordlessly, then he takes off the glasses and laughs] The brothers don’t like when you do Stevie. … Brother be sayin’: [angry brother voice]”HEY, MAN, THAT’S NOT FUNNY! … STEVIE IS BLIND, MAN![wipes his nose with the sleeve of his jacket] … DO’EM AGAIN, YOU GON’ GET HURT!” [But Eddie puts the glasses back on and plays Stevie again] …[applause]

[normal voice] Stevie Wonder likes the impression! That’s why I do it. I met Stevie Wonder in Atlanta. He liked it. Don’t think like Stevie’s sittin’ home in his living room goin’: [sad voice] “Wow, I’m blind. That’s messed up, man.” … [normal voice] He’s not. Stevie’s a very happy person. You see him smilin’ all the time. I say, “Stevie, why you so happy?” He say,”‘Cuz I’m rich, that’s why.” … Stevie’s very happy.

He walked up to me in Atlanta, too. He walks up to me, he goes: [as Stevie Wonder] “Eddie, if you – ever imitate me again – I’ll kick your behind.” …[removes glasses, normal voice, supercool] Needless to say, I wasn’t afraid. … I’d kill Stevie Wonder in a fight. … [suddenly starts shadowboxing with an imaginary Stevie Wonder] Step off, Steve! Step off![with his back to the audience, Eddie throws a punch]BIFF! [Eddie spins around as Stevie, in a boxing stance, his dark glasses crooked on his nose as if hehad just taken a punch in the face ] “Aw, you shouldn’t ‘a’ did that!” … [Eddie as Stevie bobs and weaves with fists in the air like a boxer, cheers and applause, Eddie stops, breaks into a smile, takes off the glasses, normal voice] You’re a lot of fun! Watch the show! Stick around! Thank you. [Eddie basks in the huge cheers and applause as we fade out]

Submitted Anonymously

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 8: Episode 9

82i: Eddie Murphy / Lionel Richie

A Special Christmas Message

April May June … Julia Louis-Dreyfus

[An organ plays “O Come All Ye Faithful” and continuesunder the entire sketch.]

Announcer V/O: [youthful, Southern accentedvoice] And now a special Christmas message from AprilMay June.

[Televangelist April May June, in jewels and white furcoat, walks to her podium in front of aflower-bedecked trellis and addresses the camera witha pronounced Southern drawl.]

April May June: Hello, friends. It’sChristmastime and that means more than a fur coat androastin’ nuts. It’s Jesus’ birthday! Do youknow the story of Jesus’ birth? Well, poor Mary washeavy with child and she and her husband Josephcouldn’t find room in any of the hotels so they founda barn with a star on top where Jesus was born.

And all the animals in the barn were very quiet whenthey saw the baby Jesus. And all the shepherdsfollowed the star and came to look at the sweet baby.And the three wise men came and gave the baby Jesusgold, frankincense and pork — to see if he wasJewish.

Baby Jesus was so sweet and good and didn’t cry allnight and keep his mommy up like some babies who neverlet their mommies sleep and then the mommiesget bags under their eyes and then they looklike hell in front of the camera the next day.[chuckles self-consciously as she recovers herpoise]

So, it was a nice and holy time for everyone,hallelujah. But, you know something? Somethingsurprises me. I wonder why Mary couldn’t get a room. Imean, after all, she’s carryin’ God’s child.What do you mean “No room at the inn”? Howcould the one and only Holy Family take no for ananswer? You don’t read in the Bible about Josepharguin’ with the man at the front desk for fifteenminutes about a room, do you? I mean, what was hedoin’? Where was his spine?! He just lethis wife have her baby in some nasty barn?! Youknow how men are! I mean, he was a carpenter!He coulda built her a house! What washe? Just along for the ride?! You know, I don’tthink Joseph ought to be a saint. Mary had the childof God and performed a whole host of other miracles,hallelujah. All Joseph did was get some aspirin namedafter him. Big deal!

Merry Christmas.

[Cheers and applause as we fade out on a smiling AprilMay June.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 8: Episode 9

82i: Eddie Murphy / Lionel Richie

Hairem Scarem

Host…..Julia Louis-Dreyfus
Gwen Nyquist…..Mary Gross
Val Dooley…..Robin Duke
Dion Dion…..Eddie Murphy

Host: Good evening. Welcome to “Hairem Scarem”, the show where we learn firsthand, the horrifying hair-damaging experiences of everyday people. Tonight, our guests are Gwen Nyquist, Perm Victim; Val Dooley, unsuspecting target of Wig Scam; and Dion Dion, consultant representative from the Chateau de Toupee Hair Institute. Gwen, tell us about your experience.

Gwen Nyquist: Well, it was on the eve of my wedding day.. and I cut out a picture of Melissa Manchester, and I brought it to Vince at Marlowe’s House of Beauty, and I said “I want to look exactly like her.” So, Vince said, “You should have a perm, your hair’s too thin.” So, I believed him – it was Vince! So, Vince put the rods in, and then he says to me, “Coffee?” I said, “Sure. Double Double.”

Val Dooley: What’s “Double Double”?

Gwen Nyquist: Double cream and double sugar. So, Vince goes off, and I’m halfway through the Enquirer when I realize that four hours have gone by, and Vince isn’t back. Well, I did the puzzle.. and so, then a policemen comes in, and he says Vince has been mugged and won’t be able to take the rods out.

Host: So then what happened?

Gwen Nyquist: Well, I didn’t get married! Because of this! [ takes scarf off head to reveal bald patches between what remains of her hair ]

Host: Oh, my God! Was Vince prosecuted?!

Dion Dion: Well, you know, you really can’t blame Vince. Oftentimes, in many perm cases, you cannot remove the rods on time, due to uncontrollable circumstances and, sometimes, mugging. But on the other hand, I will admit that their are addresses in the business that are, what is known, as “scissor-happy.” In the world of hair, anything can happen.

Host: Well, do you have any advice for Gwen here on how she can live a normal life with this affliction?

Dion Dion: Oh, yes! I suggest that you come to the Chateau de Toupee. We will fit you in what we call a “transitional wig”, and, of course, we offer group sessions for other perm victims such as yourself.

Host: Well, that sounds very helpful. Thank you.

Val Dooley: What about me?

Host: Oh, yes.. I was coming to you. Uh.. Val Dooley, ladies and gentlemen. Victim of a “Wig Scam”. Val, what happened?

Val Dooley: Well, it wasn’t my wedding day, or anything like that.. but, I was at the mall, and I used to have hair down to my buttocks. It was just like Crystal Gayle..

Dion Dion: Oh, she has a head of hair!

Val Dooley: Anyway.. I was going up the escalator, and suddenly I feel something brush up against me. I just figured it was some guy from Voter Registration. And.. I.. I get to the top and I feel light-headed, and I look into the mirror, and somebody has just cut off my hair. It’s just gone. It’s just all gone. And a friend told me later that it happens a lot to Chinese girls. It’s just a scam, or something.. and, what they do is they cut off your ponytail and make it into a wig.

Host: Well.. are you at all Chinese?

Val Dooley: No! I don’t think so. But I do believe that there is a demand for my hair color!

Host: Well, what color was your hair?

Val Dooley: Well, it was very much like his. [ points to Dion ]

Host: Well, this is just an outrageous story! Mr. Dion, you are in the wig business. Perhaps you’ve heard of this?

Dion Dion: [ nervous ] No, no.. I’ve heard of this.. it is ashock to me..

Val Dooley: Well, that’s just not true, because the police told me that it happens all the time! I mean, who’s to say that the people that are selling you your wigs for your hair aren’t selling you hot hair?! I mean, who’s to say that that isn’t my hair sitting on top of your head?!

Host: [ reluctant ] Well, that’s all the time we have for today. Join us next week on “Hairem Scarem”, when our guest will be Vida Hosgrave, who lost her hair in a hunting accident, and Sonja Riddle, who shaved her hair for attention. Thank you, and good night.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 8: Episode 9

82i: Eddie Murphy / Lionel Richie

Merry Christmas, Dammit!

Gumby…..Eddie Murphy
Marie Osmond…..Julia Louis-Dreyfus
Donnie Osmond…..Gary Kroeger
Frank Sinatra…..Joe Piscopo

Gumby: Merry Christmas, Dammit! I am Gumby, and I want to say before I get started – it’s about time the swines at the network gave me my own special. I’ve been sitting in my living room watching specials by nobodies like Frosty the Snowman and Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer for years. Hey, Rudy: Drop dead, baby! This is my special! We know why the nose is red, Rudy! [ mimes drinking ] You know, this is the part of the special when I was going to decorate the Christmas tree with my very good friend, Sammy Davis, Jr. [ walks over to the huge Christmas tree ] But, unfortunately, Sammy could not be here tonight.. but he did send us this lovely ornament to decorate the tree with.. [ pulls out an eyeball attached to a hook, and hangs it to the tree as the audience groans ] Shut up! Here’s looking atyou, Sammy. Merry Christmas, Dammit! Now, here’s an act for all the kids out there who I know want to swing this Christmas. Donny and Marie!

[ cut to Donny and Marie Osmond standing over the punch bowl ]

Marie Osmond: For the Osmonds, Christmas is a joyous time for the whole family to get together.

Donny Osmond: Yeah, Marie.. But things sure have changed since you got married.

Marie Osmond: Well, what about you, Donny? You’ve got a wife at home.

Donny Osmond: You’re right. I guess Christmas just won’t be the same this year. [ singing ] “I’ll have a blue Christmas without you..”

Marie Osmond: “I’ll be so blue thinking about you..”

Donny and Marie: [ moving closer together as they sing ]
“Decorations of red, on a green Christmas tree..
won’t mean a thing, if you’re not here with me.
I’ll have a blue Christmas, that’s certain..
And when the blue heartache..”

[ suddenly stop singing and begin to kiss passionately ]

Gumby: [ jumping in ] Donny and Marie! Hey, hey, hey, cut it out! Is this how you kids go Hawauiian? Give me a break here! [ steps away ] What would Christmas be like without the kids, huh? Hey, kids, want to hear Gumby tell you a Christmas story? Then gather around and keep your damn mouthes shut! Come on, it’s Christmastime. [ sits down and opens a book as the kids form a circle around him ] Here’s a little story, it’s called “The Night After Christmas”. “It was the day after Christmas, and the world was peaceful and calm. Santa Claus had been delivering toys all night. His back hurt him so. He was very tired. So he went to his kitchen and fixed himself a cup of Swiss Milk hot chocolate. Just then, an elf named Fred came up and said, ‘Excuse me, Saint Nick. Can I have a sip of your hot chocolate?’ Santa went crazy! He grabbed the elf and tore his lungs out.” The end! Merry Christmas, boys and girls. Did you like that?

Little Girl: You’re mean, Mr. Gumby! I was on Andy Williams’ Christmas show, and he was nice!

Gumby: Oh? You want Andy Williams? Well, here, let’s go! [ grabs Little Girl and walks her to the front door ] Andy is in Los Angeles – that’s about 800 miles. [ opens door and shoves her out ] Start walking! [ returns to his special ] About 20 minutes in the freezing cold, she’ll be begging to be on the Gumby special! But right now, ladies and gentlemen, keeping with the Christmas tradition – the King Family!

[ three men dressed like Don King step into the room to sing a carol ]

The King Family: [ singing ]
“Jingle Bells. Jingle Bells. Jingle all the way.
Oh what fun it is to ride in one-horse open sleigh,
hey!“

Gumby: The King Family! Unbelievable! Have some punch, boys. You know, I am honored to have on my Christmas special this next man. You see, there are very few people in this wonderful business that I am in that can be introduced by one name only. There is, of course, Sammy, Liza, Gumby.. and this man – the Chairman of the Board.. Francis Albert Sinatra!

Frank Sinatra: [ enters ] Gumby, Gumby, it’s an honor to be here. It’s marvelous. You’re wonderful, and it’s marvelous. I know you have many wonderful, marvelous friends in the world of animation. Now, they could not be here tonight, but I bring you the greetings in song.

[ starts singing ]

“Flintstones. Meet the Flintstones.
They’re a hip, stone-age family.
Hey, Barney, I’m talking Bedrock.
When who knew from a Christmas tree.
We’ll have a good time.
A yabba-doobie-doo good time.
We’ll have a gay..
it’s a groovy time!
Wilma!”

Thank you so much.

[ singing ]

“Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
It’s the Woody Woodpecker Song!

I’m laughing.
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
Pecker Song!”

Alright, alright.. cut the cartoon crap, it’s Christmastime here..

[ singing ]

“Silent night, holy night.
It’s okay, everything’s bright..
’round that virgin chick, she had a kid.
Who grew up to be famous.. you all know what he did.
Sleep! It’s quiet in heaven!
Sleep! Heavenly peace.”

Merry Christmas, everybody.

Gumby: Thank you, Frank! It’s been so long! It’s been so long! [ hugs Frank ] Thank you, Francis! And thanks to all my guests – Donny and Marie! The King Family! And to everyone out there – a merry Christmas! And to my producer, my director, my manager, and my lawyer – Happy Hanukkah, boys! Good night! [ credits roll over quick zoom to rear of room to reveal Little Girl pressed against back window freezing in the cold ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 8: Episode 9

82i: Eddie Murphy / Lionel Richie

Goodnights

… Eddie Murphy
… Steve Martin

[Alone at home base, Eddie Murphy tries to saygoodnight.]

Eddie Murphy: I’d thank you all for tuning into “The Eddie Murphy Show” this evening. … We had afantastic time. It was a great – [a disturbance in thecrowd, somebody screams] It was a greatexperience.

[Deafening cheers and applause drown out Eddie.Abruptly, an agitated Steve Martin emerges from theaudience and joins Eddie. The crowd goeswild.]

Steve Martin: Hold it! Hold it just a minute!No, wait! I’m sorry! Wait! [cheers and applausecontinues as Steve Martin tries to get a grip onhimself – Eddie looks on blankly – the rest of thecast is standing in the background as the crowd inStudio 8H goes nuts] Hold it just a second! I’m sorry![Steve puts a hand on Eddie’s shoulder as the noisesubsides] You know, I’m sitting at home, watching theshow, they say there’s gonna be no host! I’m sittin’home alone. I say, “What’s goin’ on here? No host?!”And I’m sittin’ home alone?! … [applause] Imean, Eddie — you’re takin’ money out o’ MY pocket!… I’m a professional host! I mean, you got a lot o’guys! [counts on his fingers] You got Letterman, yougot Carson, you got me, you got Buck Henry! We’resittin’ home alone?! … I mean, I got mouthsto feed! I got thirteen illegitimate kids across thecountry. … [applause] I called three girls uptonight. None of ’em’d go out with me! You know why?[sobs] ‘Cuz I hadn’t hosted in two years! … I’msittin’ home alone! There’s no host! Nobody calls me![suddenly angry] This is the kind of thing that reallyirritates me! I’ll tell ya something–! And if youfeel OFFENDED — and your cast and your producer feelOFFENDED — that I’ve come out here like this– Well,EXCUUUUUSE ME!

[Huge cheers and applause as Steve Martin stalks offthe stage and exits. Eddie, who has stared blankly atSteve throughout the tirade, watches him go. The restof the cast, led by Tim Kazurinsky, laughs, applaudsand joins Eddie at center stage to wave at the crowd.Credits roll. Tim shakes Eddie’s hand. The castmingles with Lionel Ritchie and his band.]

Don Pardo V/O: Join us in future weeks when ourhosts will be Howard Hesseman and Bill Murray. Untilnext time, this is Don Pardo saying: I’m glad we havethese little talks. It’s so lonely in thisannounce booth. Johnny Olsen, if you’re listening,give me a call! Good night.

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 8: Episode 9

82i: Eddie Murphy / Lionel Richie

Nick’s Substitute Host

…..Eddie Murphy

[ open on tight shot of “48 Hrs.” poster in Eddie Murphy’s dressing room ]

[ slow pan right to Eddie sitting in front of his mirror, back to the camera ]

Eddie Murphy: [ turns around ] Oh, how y’all doing? Um.. there’s something I have to tell you about tonight’s host, Nick Nolte.. This summer, Nick and I had the opportunity to work together in a motion picture called “48 Hrs.” Uh.. Nick and I grew together, and Nick taught me a lot about myself, and a lot about acting, and he’s a real great guy. You know, we were sitting around in Paramount’s lot this summer, and I said, “Nick, why don’t you come and host ‘Saturday Night Live’?” and he said, “Yeah, sure, Eddie, anything for you.” That’s the kind of guy Nick was. When Nick got here, and got off the plane, he vomited on my shirt. And we realized Nick was too sick to do the show. And that’s too bad, because Nick was gonna be in some real great stuff tonight. But I know you folks tuned in to see one of the stars of “48 Hrs.” host the show, and, dammit, you’re gonna see it. ‘Cause I’m gonna host the show! “Live, from New York, it’s The Eddie Murphy Show!“

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 8: Episode 9

82i: Eddie Murphy / Lionel Richie

Kensington Dance Theatre For The Blind

Husband…..Joe Piscopo
Wife…..Julia Louis-Dreyfus
Lead Dancer…..Eddie Murphy

[ open on Husband and Wife entering auditorium ]

Husband: I wish I knew what this recital was all about..

Wife: Forget about it. We subscribe, we know they’ve got something good.

Husband: Well, at least we made it, huh?

Wife: Yeah.

[ they sit, as a ballet begins ]

Husband: [ disgusted ] Oh, God.. modern dance.

Wife: Sshh! It’s ballet!

[ the dancers perform very badly, seemingly blind ]

Husband: [ confused ] What the hell is this?! honey, let me see your program for a sec.. [ looks at program ] The Dance Theatre For The Blind??!!

Wife: Honey, please, come on..

[ more awkwardly dancing takes place ]

Husband: Honey, thjis is crazy! We’ve either got to stop this or leave, come on!

Wife: [ enjoying herself ] I like it, it’s interesting! Maybe they’re deaf, too!

[ ballet dancer spins too rough, colliding into an unperturbed audience ]

Husband: [ outraged ] Alright, look! Could we hold it just a second, please? Stop! Stop the music! Could we have your attention! [ music stops ] Uh.. I know you here, the Kensington Dance Theatre For the Blind were kind enough to come here to perform for our community hall.. but we weren’t quite prepared for this. and I think we should just kind of call it a night and go home, okay? Thank you, it was a valient effort! Thank you.

Lead Dancer: [ steps forward ] What?!

Husband: I beg your pardon?

Lead Dancer: What’s the matter, you don’t like the dance?

Husband: No! You know what, I’m a real avid fan of all kinds of dance, but I think what you’re doing is kind of getting out of hand, I’m sure you understand.

Lead Dancer: No, I don’t uderstand, man. We’re a legitimate dance troupe, man, and we’ve been engaged to play your hall, so what’s the problem?

Husband: Well.. I don’t know exactly how to say this.. but, truthfully and honestly, the fact of the matter is.. you people are blind! I think it’s ridiculous – blind dancers. I’m sorry!

Lead Dancer: We ain’t blind!

Husband: Well, you’re the Kensington Dance Theatre For the Blind. Are you not?

Lead Dancer: That’s For the Blind. We’re a dance troupe that performs for blind people. We’re not blind! [ points to the audience ] These people are!

Husband: Oh. Oh..

Lead Dancer: Yeah. And these people enojy what we’re doing. Isn’t that right! [ blind audience cheers, waving their canes in the air ] So, why don’t you sit down and enjoy yourself, and let us finish dancing, okay?

Husband: I’m really very sorry.. I had no idea at all.. but I gotta tell you: you people are terrible!

Lead Dancer: Don’t spoil it for the others.

[ the ballet continues, as Husband returns quietly to his seat ]

[ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 8: Episode 9


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


December 11th, 1982

Eddie Murphy

Lionel Richie

Harry Anderson

Clint Smith

Steve Martin
Nick’s Substitute HostSummary: Eddie Murphy announces that planned host Nick nolte has taken ill, so he’ll take over the hosting duties instead.

Transcript

Montage

Eddie Murphy’s MonologueSummary: Eddie Murphy performs stand-up about haunted houses and does his Stevie Wonder impression.

Transcript

Rubik’s GrenadeTranscript

Merry Christmas, Dammit!Recurring Characters: Gumby, Donny Osmond, Marie Osmond, Frank Sinatra.

Transcript

Harry Anderson

Clysler-Prymouth

Kensington Dance Theatre for the BlindTranscript

Saturday Night News with Brad HallRecurring Characters: Dr. Jack Badofsky.

Lionel Ritchie performs “You Are”

Hairem ScaremRecurring Characters: Dion.

Transcript

The Herpes Family

Lionel Richie performs “Truly”

The Meaning of ChristmasNote: Repeat from 12/12/81.

Note: Originally appeared as a piece within SNL Newsbreak with Brian Doyle-Murray.

A Special Christmas MessageRecurring Characters: April May June.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts