Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 8: Episode 8 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
December 4th, 1982 Tom Smothers Dick Smothers Laura Branigan None Laurence K. Grossman The Tonight ShowRecurring Characters: Johnny Carson, Ed McMahon, Bill Cosby.
Trumpeter…..Clint Smith MC….Tim Kazurinsky Tyrone Green….Eddie Murphy
[Opening shot is of a VFW Hall, with a sign that says “Annual Talent Show, Tonight 8:30”. A trumpet playing is heard. The scene changes to an interior shot of people sitting and listening to the suited trumpeter on stage. He finishes.]
Trumpeter: Ole!
[Applause, stuttering MC gets on stage]
MC: That was-that was great. That was our own Al Reubens playing “Flight of the Bumblebee”..
Trumpeter: Uh, that was the “Bullfighter” song.
MC: Uh, the “Bullfighter” song, yes. He plays it faster and faster every year. [Trumpeter exits] Ok now….what-what’s going on in back? [People turn around, and a “BOO!” is heard.] Will you kids in back knock it off? We’re-we’re-we’re throwing this whole benefit for you guys and so we’d appreciate a little cooperation, for Pete’s sake. All right, th-this next group should be popular with you young people, so let’s have a-a big hand for Tyrone Green and his reggae band.
[Applause. Tyrone enters, slouching, followed by two band members carrying instruments. The MC sticks his hand out, but Tyrone doesn’t touch it. He stands in front of the mic while one band member puts down the drums, and the other carries in a guitar. Tyrone adjusts the mic and his hair.]
Tyrone Green: Hit it, fellas.
[Reggae beats begins, and Tyrone starts bopping to the beat in front of the mic. He sings.]
“I live in a shelter in a, a shanty town We have no money so we have to sleep on the ground I play the music, my father he dig a ditch My mother she do laundry, life sure was a bitch But soon we kill de white people, oh
[Pan to VFW people in corner giving MC quizzical looks]
We gon’ make them hurt Kill de white people, yeah
But buy my record first
Whoa, yeah
[MC tries to appease an angry VFW man, and heads on stage to stop the band.]
Why don’t you buy my-”
[MC reaches the stage. Tyrone pauses in his song long enough to glare down the MC, who backs away. Tyrone goes back to bopping and singing.]
“We sing of freedom and for equality But we really don’t care, we just want money money money We want to drive in a big black limousine Get so high off ganja a-we can’t even see But soon we kill de white people, oh
[People start leaving, and one of the VFWs on the sideline must be restrained by an older VFW and the MC.]
We gonna make them hurt Kill de white people, yeah whoa, but buy my record first”
[MC gets on stage again, gesturing as though Tyrone has run out of time. Another glare, more people leave, and clearly seen in the front row is the only other black person in the room, clapping to the beat.]
“When they go to the record store
We gonna wait outside We gonna hit ’em in de head wit’ a bat and make them cry Soon we kill-“
[MC desperately grabs the mic from Tyrone]
MC: Uh, don’t leave yet, ’cause little Shirley Dickermine’s gonna tap dance next…[Angry VFWs swarm MC] No, uh, I, no, no I thought they were gonna do “Day-O.”
[Tyrone grabs the mic]
Tyrone Green: “Kill de white people!”
MC: (still protesting) I thought they were gonna do “Day-O.”
[Angry VFWs leave.]
Tyrone Green: “Kill de white people but buy my record first.”
[Scene ends as we see the one other black guy stand up and clap along.]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 8: Episode 6 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
November 13th, 1982 Robert Blake Kenny Loggins None Merv Griffin The Merv Griffin Show
Montage
Robert Blake’s MonologueSummary: Former Little Rascal star Robert Blake is reunited with Buckwheat (Eddie Murphy), Alfalfa (Mary Gross), and other members of the “Our Gang” series. Recurring Characters: Alfalfa, Buckwheat.
Saturday Night News with Brad HallSummary: Dr. Jack Badofsky (Tim Kazurnisky) examines different types of orgasms, then suggests that women should get in touch with actor Tim Kazurinsky if they’re having trouble achieving one. Recurring Characters: Dr. Jack Badofsky.
[ Marsha opens the door to her apartment and shows David in ]
Marsha: I don’t usually bring guys home on a first date.. but this is my place. What do you thik of it?
David: [ looks around ] A little dark.
Marsha: [ turns light on ] Well?
David: It’s very, uh.. wicker.
Marsha: Oh, I have a lot of plants, too, you know? You have to go home now.
David: [ makes his exit ] Good night, Marsha.. it was very interesting, uh..
Marsha: Oh, aren’t you going to kiss me goodnight? [ he kisses her ] Oh, that was good. It wasn’t wet. I hate wet ones!
David: Yeah.. look, I’ll call you, okay?
Marsha: Ooh! [ runs to closet ] This is my closet! [ pulls out negligee and holds it against her, catching David’s interest ] What are you staring at?
David: Uh.. nothing..
Marsha: [ runs to her bed and sits ] And this is my bed.. ] pats the space to her, signalling him to sit ]
David: [ closes door, removes jacket, and sits ] I had a good time tonight.
Marsha: Oh, I had a good time, too!
David: Good.
Marsha: Yeah. The movie was good.
David: Good.
Marsha: Do you want to sleep with me?
David: Yes! [ she slaps him ] I think I’ll be going home now, Marsha..
Marsha: [ picks up her teddy bear and talks in teddy bear voice ] Ooh, say good night to Snookie!
David: Snookie?
Marsha: Ooh, did you miss Mommy while she was bye-bye, Snookie?
David: Uh.. Marsha.. uh..?
Marsha: Oh, Snookie, don’t be shy. David is very nice. He’s not like that dumb, stupid old Michael McCarthy?
David: Who’s Michael McCarthy?
Marsha: Oh, he’s this guy I was sleeping with.
David: Sleeping with?
Marsha: Yeah. But I dumped him because Snookie didn’t like him, right, Snookie?
David: Snookie didn’t like him?
Marsha: Mmm-hmm.. Snookie didn’t like him at all. Snookie, say hello to David..
David: [ in teddy bear voice of his own ] What didn’t Snookie like about him?
Marsha: Say hello to David!
David: Hello, Snookie!
Marsha: Snookie wants you to shake her paw!
David: [ laughing ] Alright, this has gone far enough, Marsha..
Marsha: Come on! Come on, Snookie wants you to shake her paw!
David: Okay.. [ grabs Snookie’s paw ] Hello, Snookie. How you doing? Nice to meet you. Terrible weather we’ve been having lately, huh? So, do you think Begin should resign, or wait a vote of no confidence from the canessa?
Marsha: Yeah! Snookie thinks you’re talking down to her!
David: I am!
Marsha: Ohhh.. Snookie’s crying real tears now. See..?
David: Life is short, Marsha! I’ll be going now! [ gets up and grabs his coat ]
Marsha: Well, that’s too bad. ‘Cause Snookie thought I should slepe with you.
David: [ drops coat, sits next to Marsha again ] Do you think Snookie could ever forgive David?
Marsha: If you kiss Snookie!
David: Do you really think that’s necessary?
Marsha: Yes, I do..
David: Okay.. [ kisses Snookie ]
Marsha: No, come on! Kiss him some more! Come on, right on his nose! [ David obeys ] Now, blow in his ear!
David: No..
Marsha: Blow in his ear! [ he blows ] Now, tell her you’re sorry.
David: David was a very bad boy, and he’s sorry! Can Snookie ever forgive David?
Marsha: Yes! Snookie forgives David.. but I don’t, and I’ll never, ever sleep with you!
David: [ grabs Snookie’s neck ] How would you like to see Snookie go into permanent hibernation, huh?!
Marsha: [ grabs Snookie back ] Stop it! Stop it! you’re hurting Snookie! You’re hurting her! Ohhh.. she’s very sensitive, and she has no friends..
David: [ takes off his sock, puts it on his hand ] Hello, Snookie! This is Sammy the Sock, and he wants to play with you!
Marsha: Mmm.. what kind of game does Sammy the Sock want to play?
David: Uh..it’s a little game called “One Size Fits All.
Marsha: Ooh! Clap your hands, Snookie! [ Sammy the Sock reaches back to unzip Marsha’s dress ] Ooohhh.. Snookie, what was that sound?
David: Zipity-doo-dah, zipity-ay!
Together: My oh my, what a wonderful day!
David: [ howls ] Uh-oh! Snookie, it’s Mr. Wolf! Quick! Let’s hide under the covers!
Marsha: Come on, Snookie!
[ both singing “Zipity-Doo-Dah, David and Marsha hide under the bed’s covers; David tosses the sock and teddy bear aside and finally gets down to business ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 8: Episode 5 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
October 30th, 1982 Michael Keaton Joe Jackson Michael Palin None No Cue CardsSummary: Michael Keaton is distraught to learn that cue cards won’t be available for tonight’s broadcast.
[FADE IN on a cantina in a Caribbean town. A big, black, bearded bartender turns on the jukebox, which starts playing marimba music. Two men and a woman are sitting at a table and playing cards, while two women in colorful dresses converse with men at the bar. A moment later, Tim Kazurinsky and Mary Gross walk in, obviously dressed as American tourists.]
Marvin: What do you think?
Celeste: It certainly is colorful!
Marvin: Maybe we should leave.
Celeste: Oh, we wouldnt want to hurt their feelings. Lets have a drink.
Marvin: Okay.
[They sit down at a table to the left. Marvin raises his hand and calls over toward the bar.]
Marvin: Uh, waiter? Could we get some service, please?
[Bartender walks toward them and tosses a small drink list on the table]
Bartender: [in a gruff voice] Drinks?!
Celeste: [studying menu] Ooooooooo, piña colada! That sounds exotic!
Marvin: Sounds nice. [to bartender] Could we have two piña coladas, and could we please get those little paper umbrellas in them?
[Bartender glares at them and stalks away]
Celeste: Goodness, the local people certainly are quaint!
Marvin: This is exciting.
[Celeste giggles]
Marvin: This place brings out the animal in me.
[Marvin growls pretends to claw at Celestes arm like a lion. She screams and laughs. As they repeat the action, Eddie Murphy enters dressed as a policeman in a white uniform and helmet. He watches them for a moment.]
Policeman: PAR-don ME!!
[Marvin and Celeste jump]
Policeman: But I am going to have to ask to see your passports!
Marvin: [fishes out passport] Of course.
Celeste: Well, I hope were not in any trouble.
Policeman: So do I, for your sake.
Celeste: [gasps] Ooooooooo!
[Policeman opens up passport and reads it. Suddenly, there is a dramatic horn fanfare, and he looks up with wide eyes.]
Policeman: [to Tim] So! The Iguana has returned!
Celeste: [looks around] Where?!
Policeman: I was speaking to your husband. You will find that things have changed in Stanley Key. The climate is no longer suitable for the Iguana! You do yourselves wise to be on the next boat out of here!
Marvin: [innocently] We plan to be.
Policeman: I hope so, for your sake. Ill be watching you, Iguana. Have a nice day. [walks out]
Celeste: Honey? Why did he call you [growls] the Iguana?!
Marvin: It must be some kind of local custom. Something they call the tourists: iguanas!
Celeste: Oooh. [hands purse to Marvin] Will you watch my purse? I have to go to the powder room.
[Celeste exits stage left. A moment later, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, as Marena, walks in wearing a sexy red dress and smoking a cigarette. She walks over to the bar and speaks briefly to the bartender. She sets down her cigarette, picks up a piña colada, and turns toward Marvin and sets her drink on her knee.]
Marena: [in heavy Caribbean accent] Mal-ven! So, its true, you are alive! Not like the others, all dead, drowned like rats! But you! I didnt know the Iguana could swim!
[Marena grabs Marvin’s shirt]
Marena: If you only knew how long I wanted to kill you! I hate you!!!
[She slaps his face twice, then grabs his head and kisses him passionately]
Marena: I thought of you every moment!
Marvin: I-I-I thought about you too, Marena!
Marena: If Drummond knew you were here, he would kill you! I hate you! [grabs Tims head and kisses him again] I love you!
Marvin: Tell me, Marena, do you still dance the meringue?
[Marena smiles coyly and pulls him gently across the room by his head. She lets go and puts her foot up on a chair while Marvin walks over to the jukebox. He hits it, and she starts moving her leg to meringue music. He grabs her, tucks her hand behind her back, and starts to tango with her. They dance stiffly in the middle of the cantina, throwing their heads back and then kissing each other in rhythm, while the others watch. Soon Howard Hesseman, as Gremand, walks in with khaki clothes and a cigarette in the corner of his mouth. He watches the dancers for a moment, and then slaps the jukebox. Music stops as Gremand spits out his cigarette and glares at them.] Howard: So! It is you! I thought I smelled something. There is nothing quite like the stench of the iguana.
[Marvin lets go of Marena and motions her away. She dashes to the bar and fearfully averts her face.]
Marvin: Im surprised to see you, Gremand.
[sound effect of a fly buzzing through the air] Howard: I know.
[Gremand looks up and pretends to catch the fly in mid-air. A second later, he opens his mouth and eats the fly.] Howard: You thought I had drowned with the others! You scuttled that schooner, didnt you?
Marvin: Well, why would I do that–with two and a half million dollars shipment on board? Howard: You knew it wasnt on the schooner! It was on the other boat, the Catch! The one that sailed north for Florida! But the crew from that boat isnt around to talk, are they, Iguana?
Marvin: [sips drink] Thats right. It seems they got in the way of a machine gun. [snickers] So… you know everything. Howard: Yes.
Marvin: Well… [in squeaky voice] What are you gonna do about it? Howard: Just this! [Gremand steps back, takes a survival knife out from under his sock, and flings the sheath onto the floor. He raises the knife and moves to stab Marvin. With one hand, Marvin grabs Gremands wrist and stops him cold. Marvin coolly sips his drink while Gremand squirms and grunts and tries to free his arm.]
Marvin: Shouldnt play with sharp objects, Gremand. [pulls knife from Gremands hand] A man can get hurt.
[Marvin lets him go, and Gremand cries out in pain and slumps onto the floor. He gets up a moment later.] Howard: All right, all right. We will meet again, somewhere, someday, Iguana! Marena?
[Gremand turns and grabs Marenas arm and drags her out of the cantina with him. She reaches out desperately toward Marvin as she is pulled away, but he only waves bye-bye after her. Marvin walks back to his table with the survival knife in his hand, stands behind the table, and suddenly stabs the knife into the tabletop.]
Marvin: [in a squeaky Mickey Mouse voice] Anybody else?
[The others in the cantina only look nonchalantly at him. Tim pulls the knife out of the tabletop and sets it aside on the floor just as Celeste walks back in.]
Celeste: [sweetly] Hi, honey.
Marvin: [squeaky] Hi.
[The bartender walks over with the two piña coladas they had ordered before]
Marvin: Oh, just in time!
Celeste: Oooh, what pretty drinks!
Marvin: Uh, waiter, I think you forgot the little paper umbrellas.
Bartender: Oh, Im very sorry. [calls frantically over to bar] Quick, a paper umbrella for the Iguana! Mary: And one for Mrs. Iguana!
Bartender: And-and one for Mrs. Iguana!
[Someone from off camera hustles the little paper umbrellas over to the bartender, and he hands them quickly to the couple. Watching them fearfully, he grabs Marenas unfinished drink and darts away. The first marimba music starts back up.]
Marvin: To us, honey.
Celeste: To adventure!
[They put in the paper umbrellas and put their straws in the others drink. Marvin and Celeste drink up and look lovingly at each other. ZOOM back to show the others drinking and playing cards just as before.]
Steve Bell…..Gary Kroeger David Hartman…..Joe Piscopo
[FADE IN on the Good Morning America logo while the theme music plays for several seconds. FADE to Joe Piscopo as host David Hartman. He stares into the camera, with his mouth open slightly, and speaks in a really dopey voice.]
David Hartman: Good morning, good morning, ummmm… Thank you for tuning IN, uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh duhhhhhhh, Im David Hartman, ummmmmm, uhhhhh, good morning, uhhhhhhhhhhhh…
[PAN back to show a female mannequin with blonde hair and a black dress in the chair next to David.]
David Hartman: Its nice to be here, nice to have you with us, um, uh, this is Joan Lunden, uhhhhhhhhhhh… ummmmmmmmm, Joan, you look great, I dont know how you do it, uhhh, you just look terrific as usual, uhhhhhhhh…
[David tugs on the mannequins dress sleeve and turns back to camera]
David Hartman: You know, ummmmm, uhhhhhhhhhhhhh. duhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, SO much has happened, uh, while you were asleep. Right now, lets go to Steve Bell in Washington for the news. [turns to TV monitor] Uh, good morning, Steve!
Steve Bell: Good morning, David.
David Hartman: Good morning!
Steve Bell: Tell Joan good morning, David.
David Hartman: [to mannequin] Good morning, Joan! [to TV] She says good morning, Steve.
Steve Bell: Good morning, David.
David Hartman: Good morning!
Steve Bell: Thats it from Washington, David.
David Hartman: Well, um, uhhhhhhhhhhhhh, thank you, Steve Bell!
Steve Bell: Good morning, David.
David Hartman: Good morning, Steve!
Steve Bell: Good morning, Joan!
David Hartman: [to mannqeuin] Good morning, Joan! [to TV] Good morning, Steve.
Steve Bell: Good morning, David.
David Hartman: [to camera] Good morning! Its ten past the hour. Ummmmm, uhhhhh, you know, I used to be an actor, and uhhh, I dont usually do this, but because… [shrugs and slaps knees] …mmmmmm, well–so many people went to so much trouble. Someone dug up an old film clip of one of my early movies, and, uh, we thought itd be funny if we showed you that clip right now!
[David gapes at camera with a dopey look, and then CUT to a clip of Bullwinkle the moose doing a Mr. Know-It-All bit from the old Rocky and Bullwinkle show. Bullwinkle talks about How to Tame Lions for several seconds, and then CUT back to Joe in the studio.]
David Hartman: Awwww, I havent changed that much, have I? [GMA theme music rises] I thought I looked pretty darn good, I, uh, really did. Now, uh, I want you to get out there and uh, make it a safe, and you know, uh, go out there and make it a good day, a good day. Good morning, good morning.
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 8: Episode 4 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
October 23rd, 1982 Howard Hesseman Men at Work Bill Irwin Susan Saint James Joe Dicso Milan Melvin Killing TimeSummary: Robin Duke stalls for time while walking the halls of Studio 8-H in search of late arrival Howard Hesseman.
Doctor…..Ron Howard Doug Whiner…..Joe Piscopo Wendy Whiner…..Robin Duke
[ open in Doctor’s office, Doug & Wendy Whiner seated in front of his desk ]
Doctor: Well.. I’ve gone over all your test results, and, frankly, I can’t find anything physically wrong with you..
Whiners: [ whining profusely ] Then why can’t we have a babyyy?
Doctor: Well, uh.. Mr. & Mrs. Whiner.. it seems to me that the problem just couyld be psychological. Is there anything bothering either one of you?
Doug Whiner: Ohhhh.. my di-ver-tic-u-lit-isss!
Wendy Whiner: My hi-a-tus hern-i-aaaaa..!
Doctor: Well, no, no, no.. I mean, are you under any kind of stress?
Doug Whiner: Well, Wendy’s mom is stay-ing with usss..
Wendy Whiner: Doug lost his jo-o-obb..
Doug Whiner: Our a-part-ment was ro-obbeddd..
Wendy Whiner: And I don’t feel a-ttract-ive!
Doug Whiner: Oh, Wen-dy, you’re beau-ti-fulll.. [ hugs her ]
Wendy Whiner: But I can’t have a ba-byyy!
Doctor: Mr. & Mrs. Whiner, you two are obviously both under a great deal of strain, from what you’ve just told me. It’s a strain just to listen to it. But, frankly, this happens time and time again to couples. you’re just trying too hard to have a baby. In these instances, I recommend that you adopt.
Whiners: [ alarmed ] A-dopttt?! But we want our own ba-byyy!!
Doctor: Please. Please just let me finiish. Very often, once the adoption procedure begins, why then a couple relaxes, and bang, they’re pregnant!
Doug Whiner: But it’s so much both-errr!
Wendy Whiner: And it would-n’t be a real Whine-rrr!
Doug Whiner: I’m the last of the Whine-rsss! Doc-tor, my genes must live onnn..
Wendy Whiner: Is-n’t there some-thing you can do-o-o? I want to be a moth-errr!
Doug Whiner: And I want to be a fath-errrr!
Whiners: We want to be par-entsss!!
Doctor: Alright, alright! Just shut up! I’m very sorry that I lost my temper, but if you would only listen to me. There is another alternative. Artificial insemination.
Doctor: Would you please just let me finish what I was telling you about..?
Doug Whiner: I don’t knowww.. artificial inseminationnn..?
Wendy Whiner: Ohhh, no-o-o, no-o-o..!
Doctor: [ sticks his fingers in his ears ] We take Doug’s sperm, insert in an egg from Wendy, plant it in a surrogate mother, and, BOOM, you got a Whiner! [ happy, the Whiners kiss ] Look, look.. [ grabs some brochures ] Here’s all the literature, the address of the clinic, the phone number.. please, please, go, go!
Doug Whiner: It looks gre-at! I feel like a man a-gainn!
Wendy Whiner: And I won’t get fa-att!
Doug Whiner: Thank you, Doc-torr!
Doctor: You’re very, very welcome. Here’s the door. [ opens door ]
Whiners: We’re gon-na have a bab-byyy!!
Wendy Whiner: Will you de-liv-er itt?
Doctor: No! Uh.. I mean.. I’m giving up my practice and, uh.. moving! I’m moving to.. Puerto Rico! I’m going to Puerto Rico!
Doug Whiner: Can we vis-it you with the ba-byyy?
Doctor: No! [ thinking ] They don’t allow babies in Puerto Rico! I’m sorry! It’s a law. [ closes door ]
Whiners: [ open the door back up ] Can we name it af-ter you-ou-ou??
[ the Doctor slumps in his chair as the crowd around him again ]
]]>
Air Date:
The Tonight ShowRecurring Characters: Johnny Carson, Ed McMahon, Bill Cosby.
