[FADE IN on a mens restroom as Joe Piscopo walks in wearing a gray suit and slacks. The first three stalls from the left are all occupied. Joe looks under each door, finally stops at the last stall, steps in, and closes the door. His feet can be seen as he sits on the toilet and pulls down his pants. After a moment, he softly starts humming Under the Boardwalk to himself. He pauses a moment, and starts to sing the next verse softly. Another moment later, ZOOM inon his shoes he starts singing for real.]
Joe: [singing] Under the boardwalk, Down by the sea, yeah, On a blanket with my baby, Thats where Ill be.
[PAN along the stalls and past the other mens feet as they start singing the chorus with Joe. The audience roars with laughter.]
Others: Under the boardwalk…
Joe: Out of the sun,
Others: Under the boardwalk…
Joe: Well be having some fun…
Others: Under the boardwalk…
Joe: People walking above,
Others: Under the boardwalk…
Joe: Well be falling in love,
All: Under the boardwalk… boardwalk.
[At that moment, Tim Kazurinsky walks in and checks all the stalls. He sings off key in a tuneless voice.]
Tim: Dont push me, cause Im over the edge, and Im tryin not to lose my head, ha-ha…
[Tim sees all the stalls are occupied, and he turns to leave.]
Tim: [sort of singing] Its like a jungle sometimes, make me wonder why the people goin under…
[Right when Tim leaves, Joe bursts back into song as the other guys harmonize.]
Joe: [ singing] Under the boardwalk, Down by the sea, yeah, On a blanket with my baby,
All: Thats where Ill beeeee.
[ZOOM back and FADE OUT as everyone stands up and flushes the toilet.]
Announcer: It’s a beautiful summer night. A perfect night for aburglery.
[ cut to close-up of a wallet and watch being picked up from a dresser,then burgler leafing through wallet ]
This man is a thief. But now you can stop him before he steals yourvaluables. Before he threatens your family’s security. Now you can stop that burgler – and this is important – before he can get out of his own house!
[ burglar opens front door of his house to prowl into the night, but aseries of alarms suddenly go off, scaring him bback inside ]
Thanks to The Web, by Sentronex. Remember.. he won’t get into your house if he can’t get out of HIS!
[FADE IN on a minibar with Mr. T. standing in front and Robin Duke as Mrs. T standing behind the counter. She is wearing a pink sleeveless vest and a bald wig, plus a light orange Mohawk with feathers attached.)
Mrs. T: [hollering in a hoarse voice] Yous meetin me and my husband Mr. T!! You should be drinkin Mr. & Mrs. Ts Bloody Mary Mix!! I pity the fool that doesnt drink it!! I pity the fool!! Aint that right, Mr. T?!
Mr. T: [points and snarls at camera] I pity the fool!
Mrs. T: Now if you want the real Bloody Mary, you come to my apartment tonight, I SHOW you a real Bloody Mary!! You hear?!
Mr. T: [points at her] She showed me!
Mrs. T: [yells at him] Shut it off, old man, and lemme finish!! The strategy for a real bloody Mary is three parts Mr. & Mrs. Ts Bloody Mary Mix, and one part vodka!
[She dumps a bunch of mix into a glass, then dashes in some vodka]
Mrs. T: Then you drink it down!
[She chugs drink and wipes off her mouth]
Mrs. T: Thats MEAN! Now if any man says to me he doesnt want Mr. & Mrs. Ts Bloody Mary Mix, I say to him, SHUT UP, OLD MAN!! SHUT UP!! Then I kill him to death!! I kill the man!! But I pity him first!!! Its a bloody shame! Its Mr. & Mrs. Ts Bloody Mary Mix!!
Mr. T: [pointing and glowering at camera] Buy it, or Ill kill you!
[Mr. and Mrs. T pick up their drinks and smash them together so hard that the tumblers break. Plastic shards and liquid spill on the bar as Mr. and Mrs. T lick Bloody Mary mix off their hands and glare at each other. Mrs. T holds out her hands as if to say, You want a piece of me? FADE OUT.]
Mr. Robinson: [ singing ] “It’s a beautiful day in the neigborhood
A beatuful day for a neighbor.
Would you be mine?
Could you be mine?
I always wanted to live in a house like yours, my friend
Maybe when there’s nobody at home, I’ll break in!
So, I married a woman who said she was rich,
Spent all of her money, walked out on the bitch!
Won’t you be my..
Won’t you be my..
Won’t you be my neighbor??”
Hello, boys and girls! [ changes his shoes ] You’re probably wondering why Mr. Robinson is putting on his glitter shoes. Now, these are rock and roll shoes, boys and girls. And, do you know why? Let’s look at our word for the day. [ points to board reading “SCUMI” ] You can’t read it, boys and girls, because it’s the Soul Train Scramble Board! [ rearranges the letters to spell “MUSIC” ] There’s our word for the day! [ walks over to a set of drums ] See what these are, boys and girls? They’re drums. That’s a beautiful instrument, you know. You know where drums come from? Africa! You know where these drums come from? Smokey Robinson was at the Apollo Theater, and left his van open in the back of the place. I ripped him off! I wonder how Smokey is gonna sound with no percussion? You know what drums sound like, boys and girls? Listen. [ starts beating the drums, making quite a racket until the phone rings, eliciting a face ]That’s the telephone, boys and girls! Let’s see who it can be. [ answersphone ] WHO IS IT!! What?! Oh, that ain’t loud – this is loud! [ blows his whistle into the phone, then hangs up and smiles ] Now, where were we, boys and girls? [ returns to banging his drums ]
[ a knock is heard at the door ]
Voice at Door: Mr. Robinson! Robinson! I know you’re in there! Stop beating them drums! You hear me?
Mr. Robinson: That’s my new neighbor. But don’t be scared, boysand girls, I just installed a new lock! He’ll never get in here!
[ continues to bang his drums, as the door is busted through, and Mr. T enters, grabbing Robinson by the throat ]
Mr. T: Hello, boys and girls. The new word for today.. is “pain”. [ to Robinson ] Sing the song!
Mr. Robinson: [ singing ] “A very happy.. tomorrow.. to you..”
Mr. T: Goodnight, boys and girls.
[ continues to strangle Mr. Robinson as title fades in ]
[FADE IN on a man sitting on the shoulder of a narrow, deserted road in mid-afternoon. He is in a white short-sleeved shirt and tan chinos, a blue gym bag at his feet, holding a cardboard sign with “SPRINGFIELD” written on it. Birds are heard chirping in the woods around him. The hitchhiker stares into space, glances down at his watch in dismay, and stands up and begins to walk. A bee is heard buzzing, and he swats it irritably with his sign and tosses it away. He hitches up his belt and takes a few steps down the road, then hears a car engine accelerating behind him.]
[CUT to the other end of the road, where a white car can be seen making its way down a hill. The man turns around and eagerly waits, warms up his thumb, and sticks it out.]
[CUT to a closer shot of the car, a white Rolls Royce with New York plates, as it comes to a stop. CUT to the front windshield and a beautiful blonde woman in her thirties wearing a pearl necklace. She tilts her head to beckon the man inside. The hitchhiker grins and hops into the passenger seat. After closing the door, he turns to her and then looks her up and down in disbelief.]
[CUT to the woman’s bare legs, then PAN up her slender body to reveal her wearing nothing but a white bra and panties. She gives him a smoldering look and takes off down the road. The rider glances helplessly down at her bare legs and laquered fingernails as she moves her hand slowly down her leg to a tape deck. She gently pushes in a cassette which plays soaring, romantic music. The hitchhiker smiles, dazed, and glances again at her breasts inside her cotton bra while she slips him another pert glance and licks her lips.]
[CUT back to his face as she takes his glasses off and puts one tip in her mouth for a moment before tossing them in the back seat. He watches in amazement as she reaches over, rubs his chest, and tears off his shirt in one motion. Frantcially, the man pulls off his shoes and socks and passionately kisses her bare shoulder. She grins in ecstasy and floors the accelerator. The man looks up in horror.]
[CUT to the Rolls barreling down a steep hill and then plummeting off a hundred-foot cliff while the music hits a dramatic note. The car flips once and crashes on its roof before bouncing over a bank and out of sight.]
Announcer: Last year, more than 3000 young people were killed hitch-hiking. Don’t hitch-hike.
[SUPERIMPOSE “DON’T HITCH-HIKE,” and below it a small caption reading, “A Message from the Department of Highway Safety.” FADE to black over applause.]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 8: Episode 2 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
October 2nd, 1982 Louis Gossett, Jr. George Thorogood & The Destroyers None Mr. T Eddie Murphy’s father NBC’s Underwear Is Showing
Montage
Louis Gossett, Jr.’s MonologueSummary: Mimicking his role in “An Officer and a Gentlemen”, drill sergeant Louis Gossett, Jr. puts the cast through the rigors of comedy boot camp.
Don’t Hitch-HikeSummary: A hitchhiker (Tim Kazurinsky) thinks his luck has changed when an attractive scantily-clad woman picks him up off the side of the road, until their sexual explorations cause them to tumble off a cliff. Transcript
Mister Robinson’s NeighborhoodSummary: Mister Robinson’s (Eddie Murphy) word of the day is “Music”, so he plays with a set of drums he ripped off of the Commodores, which angers his neighbor Mr. T. Recurring Characters: Mister Robinson. Transcript
Sex TherapyRecurring Characters: Marvin, Celeste.
Mr. & Mrs. T Bloody Mary MixRecurring Characters: Mrs. T. Transcript
[ Siskel & Ebert turn their chairs away from TV screen with SNL bumper, to face the audience ]
Roger Ebert: Welcome back to “Saturday Night Live”. Across the aisle from me, Gene Siskel, film critic of the Chicago Tribune.
Gene Siskel: And this is Roger Ebert, film critic for the Chicago Sun-Times. And this is history’s first live review of a television show still in progress. We will be reviewing three of the sketches from this week’s show, and, first, Roger begins with the PTC Club.
Roger Ebert: Well, Gene, that was the sketch about the televangelists, and it reminded me of college humor – freshman year. It’s a very tired and cliched reworking on an ancient, old satirical target. I mean, the idea that TV evangelists suffer from sexual repression and lust has been overworked for years. However, the audience participation portion of the show was awesome, totally awesome.
Gene Siskel: They had the best lines. You know, I still think we’re both “Can’t Recommending It” for it. We both can’t recommend that, people had seen this thing.
Roger Ebert: No.
Gene Siskel: No. Actually, why not have the evangelists – a better idea – perform a phony miracle, and it turns out to be a real miracle.
Roger Ebert: Mmm-hmm.
Gene Siskel: Well, our next sketch is the art gallery opening with the white liberals, you remember that. Uh, I like this, even though it’s almost as good as that old religion sketch. You know, the difference? Eddie Murphy, I think he really made it work.
Roger Ebert: Right on, Gene! I liked the acting, too. But, uh, why give us angry blacks and white liberals yet once again? Why not flip it, and give us black liberals patronizing angry whites?
Gene Siskel: Well, I think for that they’d need more blacks in the cast maybe, huh?
Roger Ebert: My next sketch is, uh.. “Video Junkies” a film about kids hooked on video games. I thought this was a brilliant satire, right down to the tightly controlled hysteria of the Narrator’s voice. And it made a good point, that most of those alarmist TV documentaries are pretty much interchangeable.
Gene Siskel: Well, I thought it was terrific, too. I was impressed by the actor who played the doctor in the sketch, and by the quality of the video in the piece. [ accidentally reading Ebert’s cue card ] I couldn’t decide if it, uh — what?
Roger Ebert: I couldn’t decide if it reminded me of Fellini or Bergman.
Gene Siskel: I couldn’t decide it, either.
[ sound effect of barking dog ]
Roger Ebert: That sound of the dog barking reminds us that it’s time for our “Dog of the Week” segment.
[ image of Chevy Chase appears on the screen between Siskel & Ebert ]
Gene Siskel: Well, Roger, I think we’re both going to agree on this one. The dog in this show, obviously, is – that’s right – Chevy Chase.
Roger Ebert: I think that’s, uh, pretty obvious.
Gene Siskel: He couldn’t even be bothered to fly in from the coast for the show.
[ Chevy begins moving his lips to mock Siskel & Ebert ]
Roger Ebert: You know, Gene, speaking of dogs: “Oh, Heavenly Dog” was the movie where Chevy was reincarnated as Benji the dog.. and that movie split the audience right down the middle. Half the people were disappointed when Chevy turned into the dog, and the other half were disappointed when the dog turned into Chevy.
Gene Siskel: Well, in another movie, “Seems Like Old Times”, I know that the best scene there was played by Chevy’s hand. He was lying under the bed when Goldie Hawn stepped on his hand with her high heeled shoe. Uh.. the hand played the scene, though, like Marlon Brando. it was really one of the great acting hand jobs of all time.
Roger Ebert: Exactly, Gene. One thing you can say for television that you can’t say for the movies — [ looks behind him to the TV screen ] Can you hear us, Chevy? [ Chevy doesn’t motion, so Ebert turns the tube off ]
Gene Siskel: Well, so much for this show. Next time, we’ll see you.. “At The Movies”.
[ open on Spokesman holding a handful of condom packets ]
Spokesman: Men! How many prophylactics do you use in a year?! Twenty?! Thirty?! Forty?! A hundred?! [ strolls over to product ] Well, you never need buy a prophylactic again, thanks to Popeil’s new Galactic Prophylactic, the prophylactic guaranteed to last you fifty years! Imagine that! Fiifty years!
[ SUPER: “Lasts Fifty Years” ]
Spokesman: It’s more than a contraceptive, it’s a family heirloom!
[ dissolve to Father handing the prophylactic to his son ]
[ SUPER: “Demonstration” ]
Spokesman V/O: One you can pass down from father to son!
[ dissolve back to Spokesman ]
Spokesman: How can a prophylactic last for fifty years?! Let’s take a look at Popeil’s exclusive design! [ holds out design ] A layer of rubber! A layer of reinforced steel! And yet another layer of rubber! Isn’t that amazing! and guaranteed for fifty years to not snap, break, or pop! Watch!
[ dissolve to musclemen playing tug-of-war with an unusually stretchy piece of condom ]
Spokesman V/O: These muscle men are stretching the Popeil Galactic Prophylactic a mind-boggling five times its normal length! It will not break! Isn’t that amazing! But, more!
[ dissolve back to Spokesman ]
[ Spokesman fires gun at an outstretched product ]
Spokesman: It can stop bullets! Isn’t that amazing! But you want more! Before you answer, before — What would you pay for the Galactic Prophylactic?! Before you answer – we will throw in, at no additional charge, the Dura-Fram Disaphragm! The diaphragm that’s guaranteed to last for fifty years, and take a pounding and keep coming back! Here, we’ve got a woman demonstrating!
[ woman bounces on a trampoline made out of a stretched condom ]
Spokesman V/O: We’ve brought this thing a thousand times its normal size! Doesn’t that look like fun! Isn’t that amazing! Doesn’t it look like great fun to you!
[ dissolve back to Spokesman ]
Spokesman: It can all be yours! The Galactic Prophylactic! The Dura-Fram Diaphragm! Both for only $5.95! These days, it’s hard to stretch money, so why not get rubber that lasts a lifetime?
Announcer: Popeil Galactic Prophylactic. Available at fine hardware and sporting good stores.
…..Brad Hall …..Joe Piscopo Father Andrew B. Titus…..Tim Kazurinsky …..Chevy Chase
Announcer: And now, Saturday Night News, with the Saturday Night News team and anchorman Brad Hall.
[applause]
Brad Hall: Good evening, Im Brad Hall. Our top story tonight:
An exclusive public opinion survey conducted by TV Guide has determined the most trusted television journalists in America. Here are the winners: #1, Harry Reasoner, #2, David Brinkley, #3, John Chancellor, and #4, [removes his glasses] Brad Hall.
[applause]
Brad Hall: Thank you. Ive only been on for 20 seconds. I hope I can live up to your confidence, America.
To help the Lebanese establish order in the wake of recent events, President Reagan has sent the Marines back into Lebanon. Among the Marines who went are: Maureen OHara, Maureen OSullivan, and Oscar winner Maureen Stapleton. The president is still undecided about sending his own daughter, Maureen Reagan. She disagrees with many of her fathers policies.
[picture of Lynn Swann, standing bent over on a football field] Well, it turns out that somebodys gonna benefit from this football strike after all. Pittsburgh Steeler Lynn Swann is using his free time to search Three Rivers Stadium for a contact lens he lost last season. [applause] Said Swann, Ill find it even if I have to go down on all fours and get my knees all scabby.
Brad Hall: You know, its been a great big week in sports, and here to tell us all about it is our own Joe Piscopo. Joe?
[pan to Joe, applause]
Joe Piscopo: Thanks Brad. Hello again, everybody. Joe Piscopo, live, Saturday Night Sports. The big story: football! Strike! Players! Owners! Greedy? Selfish? Stupid! [applause]
What the hell is going on? Solution: give both sides what they really want. Management: give them player rep Ed Garvey. In a room. Alone. [punches his fists together] Players, they wanted 55%? This looks like 55% to me! [opens small bag of white powder and pours it on the desk, applause]
Come on, fellas! Stop fooling around and play ball! Joe Piscopo, live, Saturday Night Sports. Back to you, Brad.
[more cheers and applause]
Brad Hall: Thank you, Joe. That sounds like one heck of a suggestion.
You know, this is the first time that Ive ever been on a national television program. Ive been told there are 20 million people watching this show tonight, which makes this a very powerful position to be in. During the week I was thinking, you know, this shows a lot of laughs and its good fun and everything, and Im glad to be here. But Ive been thinking itd be a waste if I didnt say something that was important, you know, something I felt strongly about. And thats why Ive decided to talk about Mr. James Watt, who is the Secretary of the Interior of the United States of America. Heres a picture of Mr. Watt on the cover of Time Magazine. [shows magazine cover]
In an article in here he talks about how hes gonna sell off all the, uh, forest land of the country. Hes selling oil drilling rights to various greedy corporations off the coast of Alaska, in the Santa Barbara Channel, which is where I grew up. Not in the Channel, in Santa Barbara. You know, uh, his whole attitude has gotten me kind of angry, and what were gonna do is, uh, call Mr. Watt, right now, at his home in Washington.
[pulls out a telephone from underneath the desk] You know, its great to work for a network because I got Mr. Watts phone number from Tom Brokaw, whos the fifth most trusted newsman in America. Ive got it committed to memory. This should be fun.
[dials Mr. Watts phone number; ringing sound effect is heard] Hope hes in.
Womans voice: Hello?
Brad Hall: Uh, hello. Is this the residence of Mr. Watt?
Womans voice: Yes it is.
Brad Hall: Uh, this is Brad Hall calling from NBC.
Womans voice: Well, could you hold a moment, please?
Brad Hall: [covers the phone with his hand and addresses the audience] What do you think we oughta ask him first?
Womans voice: Sir?
Brad Hall: Yes?
Womans voice: Could Mr. Watt call you tomorrow morning?
Brad Hall: Uh, no, Im sorry, this is pretty urgent.
Womans voice: Well- would you please hold?
Brad Hall: All right. [addresses audience] I shouldve told him I was from Mobil Oil, then hed come right to the -
Voice of James Watt: Hello?
Brad Hall: Uh, yes, Mr. Watt. Im sorry to bother you so late, uh, hope I didnt wake you. I just wanted to ask you a couple of questions. Um, why are you selling off all of the, uh, the forest land, and granting drilling rights to greedy corporations?
Voice of James Watt: Well, if hes doing his job right, the Secretary of the Interior should serve this country as a steward. And I dont take this stewardship lightly. Its true I have an obligation to preserve and protect the natural resources.
[ SUPER: voice of / JAMES G. WATT ]
Brad Hall: Yes–
Voice of James Watt: But, at the same time, I have an obligation to promote intelligent use of those resources.
Brad Hall: Yes, but what Im trying to
Voice of James Watt: To me, that usage would include the exploration and development of our
Brad Hall: SHUT UP! JUST SHUT YOUR BIG, FAT, LYING MOUTH, YOU PIG! I got 20 million people that hate your guts! Youre a greasy, slimy, scumbag, and
[more shouting muffled by the cheers and applause; Brad angrily hangs up the phone and places it underneath the desk]
Good. Im glad we got that out of our system. Lets go back to the news, shall we?
In an effort to expand the controversial Nobel sperm bank in California, its founder, Robert Graham, has announced the hiring of coast-to-coast representatives to handle the increased demand for high-quality sperm. In addition to the distinguished scientists and Nobel prize winners, the sperm bank will broaden its donor pool to include winners of the Heisman trophy, the Indy 500, and the Belmont Stakes.
[photo of Prime minister Margaret Thatcher standing next to a sumo wrestler] Prime minister Margaret Thatcher this week welcomed home Britains Prime minister Prime- uh, Prince Andrew from his long tour of the Falkland Islands. Thats Prince Andrew right there. Andrew, a Royal Navy helicopter pilot, said he really liked that Navy chow, but hell probably request it transferred to the Royal Balloon Corps.
Sources close to the White House said that the only person in the administration who still supports labor secretary Raymond Donovan is President Reagan himself. The reason for this is because the President is moved by two overpowering emotions: the love of friends, and the love of not being afraid to start your car in the morning. [applause]
Brad Hall: Here now with a book review is our guest critic, Father Andrew B. Titus. Father?
[shot widens to include Father Titus; applause]
Father Andrew B. Titus: Uh, uh, thank you Brad. Uh, youre one of the new kids, right?
Brad Hall: Thats right, father.
Father Andrew B. Titus: Brad, uh, thats a Catholic name, right?
Brad Hall: No, Father.
[A suddenly grumpy Father Titus addresses the camera]
Father Andrew B. Titus: They sent me this book to review, The Readers Digest Bible. An autographed copy. [opens the book] To Father Titus, from You Know Who. Cute.
This is no longer the Word According to God, its the Word According to Some Clown from Readers Digest. This is a travesty! They cut 50% out of the Old Testament, 25% out of the New Testament. So I spose the Ten Commandments are cut down to seven! [slams book on the table] And the Three Wise Men are replaced by one reasonably intelligent jeweler. The Holy Trinity is now two guys and a voiceover, the Almighty is now just Pretty Good, and Jesus is only five foot two!
This is ridiculous. There is no shortcut to salvation. When Jesus spoke to the masses, you think the masses said, Keep it short? God does not need an editor, and we do not need Gods Greatest Hits or The Best of Jesus.
Whats next? Maybe Life magazinell bring out a picture version. Life Goes to the Bible. Perhaps therell be a pop-up Bible. Maybe People magazinell bring out their version. Whats new in Bethlehem? People picks the ten worst dressed people in the Bible. Is there any truth behind those rumors about David and Bathsheba? Mary Magdalene tells how her new man changed her life.
I ask you: is nothing sacred? Why dont we [motioning with his hand] take two steps out of the Sign if the Cross and call it the Sign if the Stick? Readers Digest Condensed Bible, you dont condense- you condense milk, not the Bible! This book is poorly written, its underqualified, its incomplete, andand thats why I didnt read it.
Back to you, Brad. [applause]
Brad Hall: Thank you, Father. God bless you.
Bad news for Richard Dawson: In Iran, the Ayatollah Khomeini has announced that kissing for sexual pleasure is against the law. It will be punishable by whipping. As of yet, there has been no ruling on what the punishment is for whipping for sexual pleasure.
Along with other world leaders, Ronald Reagan has denounced the massacre in Lebanon, and hes announced that he will send an investigative team to make a full report. In keeping with his policy of utilizing qualified experts and specialists, the President has appointed Lieutenant William Calley to head the investigative team.
[photo of Vice President George Bush with his two hands held close together in front of him] I remember the first time I touched a womans breasts. Thats what Vice President Bush reminisced as he spoke before a meeting of 3000 Episcopal ministers last week. It was truly a religious experience.
Brad Hall: In Beirut, Lebanon, the situation is still critical, as a struggling populus attempts to regain a semblance of order. Our Saturday Night News correspondent Chevy Chase is on the scene now.
[Chevy Chase is shown on the screen behind Brad, standing in front of a red background]
Come in, Chevy. What can you tell us from where you are, Chev?
Chevy Chase: Thank you Brad. And, uh, congratulations on the survey, incidentally. [chuckles]
Brad Hall: Oh, thanks very much. Im sorry you werent on it, Chevy.
Chevy Chase: I beg your pardon?
Brad Hall: Im sorry you werent on it. Some people still remember you.
Chevy Chase: So are you.
[looking around] Uh, as you can see, Brad, uh, things are pretty docile here. Uh, they look, uh, almost pastoral. Uh, the atmosphere here is a quiet one, as the sun either comes up or goes down. Its kind of hard to tell in this part of, uh, the area. Uh, the way I see it, uh, all fighting is at a lull, I see no soldiers in the street, Ive seen as of yet no policing and no curfew call. Uh, things appear to be pretty much at a standstill here Brad.
Brad Hall: Chevy, uh, from what weve seen of Beirut, that doesnt exactly look like it. Uh, are you sure youre in the city? Are you in the western sector?
Chevy Chase: Oh yes, uh, Brad, I must tell you that, uh, Ive been all through this city and, uh, at this time as we speak, I am in the, uh, western sector.
[as he walks around it becomes clear that he is standing in the set of The Tonight Show; Johnny Carsons desk is seen behind him]
Brad Hall: Of what city, Chevy?
Chevy Chase: [pauses] Of what city? Uh, Of Bur-bank. Uhno, no, you see, Brad, I missed that plane in New York as you know, and, uh, it would have gone on to Beirut, but
Brad Hall: I see. Uh, Chevy, are you not in fact, uh, standing on the Tonight Show set right now?
Chevy Chase: Uh, I couldnt quite hear you, Brad. Could you repeat yourselves?
Brad Hall: Chevy, it looks to me like youre standing right on the Tonight Show set.
Chevy Chase: Yes thats true, Brad, and a good question it is. Uh, I am on the Tonight Show set
Brad Hall: Ah.
Chevy Chase: And as you can see, uh, we, uh, [points to his left] were over by the bandstand there, and this is of course, [points to his right] uh, Johnnys, uh . Back to you, Brad!
Brad Hall: Thank you Chevy. Thank you for that fascinating report from Bur-bank.
[applause]
Well, thats all the news for tonight. For SNL News, Im Brad Hall. Good night.
[ audience cheers for Chevy, who still appears on the broken TV set at the foot of the stage ]
Chevy Chase: Thank you. [ aside ] Help me out. It’s going to be great fun working with these kids. I’m very happy, and I’ll be back as soon as I get myself together. [ aside ] Kid, don’t put the — Thank you. [ waves to the audience ]
Air Date:
