Tony Rosato: Excellent! That’s EXACTLY what I was going to order! THank you very much.
[ the Waiter exits ]
Tony Rosato: [ into the camera ] Hi! I’m Tony Rosato. Welcome to “Table Talk”! You know, being Italian, people naturally assume that I know everything there is to know about selecting wines. And, actually, I know NOTHING! Absolutely NOTHING about selecting wines. You know, how many times have you gone to a restaurant and been handed, like, a 75-page wine list in 12 different languages? Okay? And you always get sucked into buying a $50 bottle of wine from the Easter Islands or something. Well, tonight, I’m gonna show you how to BEAT Mr. Wine Steward at his own game. Now, the first thing he’ll do, is he’ll offer you the cork.
[ the Wine Steward returns with a bottle ]
Wine Steward: Sir…?
Tony Rosato: [ to the camera ] Now, don’t ask me why they always seem to do that. I always used to say, “Thanks” and drop it in the ash tray. But what he wants you to do is smell it.
[ Rosato smells the cork ]
Tony Rosato: Ah! [ slyly, to the camera ] Notice how my “Ah” is non-committal. In his eyes, I’m still a connoiseur.
[ the Wine Steward pours some wine into a glass and hands it to Rosato ]
Tony Rosato: [ to the camera ] Now, he’ll just give me enough to taste. Notice how they never give you enough to realize how bad the bottle is until you BUY the whole thing, right? Okay. And this is the most important part: Tasting. Now, remember — Don’t whip it back like a shot glass, okay? It’s a dead giveaway. And don’t gargle with it, either.
[ Rosato takes a sip and savors the taste ]
Tony Rosato: [ to the camera ] Now, here’s where you can really get one up over your waiter — Becasue whether you like this or not, you don’t like it. Okay? So I suggest this. [ he turns to the Wine Steward ] Uh, excuse me?
Wine Steward: Yes?
Tony Rosato: If I wanted a bottle of SWEAT, I would have ORDERED it! Would you TAKE this away, please?!
[ the Wine Steward silently takes the bottle and exits ]
[ Rosato laughs maniacally into the camera ]
Tony Rosato: Now, where’s this guy off to? Well, he’s off to get you another bottle of the exact stuff you just sent back. Right? Now, by the way — You know he’s on to you if he comes back and suggests a HOUSE wine that looks like this: [ he holds up a wine bottle wrapped in a paper bag ] Or, if he gives a bottle with a duck on it, stamped “Wednesday.” Now, don’t fall for this stuff, okay? These are your sparkling wines, or your carbonated wines. Okay? I don’t trust these, because these aren’t real wines. They’re like closet soft drinks, you know? Wines that think they’re wines, but they’ve always wanted to be a 7-Up or something…
[ the Wine Steward returns ]
Wine Steward: I’d suggest this, Sir… [ opens the bottle and pours ]
Tony Rosato: [ to the camera ] Remember: [ he whispers ] You don’t want this… [ he takes the glass of wine ] Thank you. [ he sips the wine, then spits it across the table ] THIS IS DISGUSTING!! [ he flings the leftover into the Wine Steward’s face ] BRING ME ANOTHER BOTTLE, AND HURRY!!
[ the Wine Steward silently takes the bottle and exits ]
Tony Rosato: WHAT KIND OF A RESTAURANT ARE YOU RUNNING HERE?!! [ he laughs maniacally into the camera ] That works every time! Alright, now, not only is tghis guy totally intimidated, but he’s also out two bottles of vino, okay? so you can be well and sure that ANYTHING he brings back is BOUND to be on the house! And, if you’re like me, you don’t mind having a bottle of bad wine…if it’s free.
[ the Wine Steward returns ]
Wine Steward: This one’s on the house, Sir. [ he pours the wine ]
[ Rosato smiles into the camera ]
Tony Rosato: Thank you. [ he sips and savors the wine ] Ah… Excellent!
[ defeated, the Wine Steward touches the bottle of wine one last time before he exits ]
Tony Rosato: Well — Join me again next week on “Table Talk”, and I’ll show you how to stuff an ENTIRE salad bar into a doggie bag! So long!
Bill Hoskins…..Danny DeVito Secretary…..Christine Ebersole Mary Hoskins…..Mary Gross Miguel…..Tony Rosato Don…..Joe Piscopo Drug Dealer…..Eddie Murphy J.P.G…..Brian Doyle-Murray
[ open on Bill Hoskins standing in his office, as the phone buzzes ]
Bill Hoskins: Hello? Yes?
Secretary: Mrs. Hoskins is on the phone.
Bill Hoskins: Good! [ he grabs the phone ] Hello, honey? Hello, honey, can you hear me? Oh, wait a secod. [ he puts her on speakerphone ] Honey, can you hear me?
Mary Hoskins: Sure!
Bill Hoskins: Oh, good! Order the lawn furniture, honey! I did it! You’re now talking to a Senior Vice-President!
Mary Hoskins: Oh, darling, that’s wonderful!
Bill Hoskins: For fifteen years, I’ve been working my tail off and, FINALLY, somebody noticed!
Mary Hoskins: Of course, they did! You’re the BEST!
Bill Hoskins: Oh, honey! In ten minutes… I’m gonna be heading to the 43rd Floor, where I’m wining and dining with J.P.G. and the whole board of directors!
Mary Hoskins: Oh, darling, I love you!
Bill Hoskins: I couldn’t have done it without you, honey! You’re a real champ! [ he blows kisses into the phone ]
[ his Secretary enters ]
Secretary: Excuse me, Mr. Hoskins?
Bill Hoskins: I’ll call you right back, honey! [ he hangs up ]
Secretary: I just want to say, Mr. Hoskins, that it’s been a wonderful experience working with you.
Bill Hoskins: Well… by the way, Beth… If you don’t mind a rather SUBSTANTIAL pay hike, I’d like to bring you aboard! I already cleared it with Personnel.
Secretary: [ stammering ] Oh, I — I — I — [ she salutes ] I’m mighty glad to be aboard!
Bill Hoskins: [ he salutes back ] At ease!
[ the phone rings ]
Secretary: [ answering ] Mr. Hoskins’ office. Just a moment, please. [ to Bob ] It’s Mrs. Hoskins.
[ he puts his wife on speakerphone ]
Bill Hoskins: Yeah?
Mary Hoskins: Oh, I’m sorry to bother you, darling, but I forgot to remind you that we’re supposed to have dinner tonight with the Harrisons, and — [ she begins panting wildy ] Oh, no…! Ohhhh…!
Bill Hoskins: [ confused ] Mary! Mary, are you alright?!
Mary Hoskins: [ panting ] My phone…! Give me that phone!
Miguel: No! No, my baby! Tell him NOW! Tell him of the deep feeling between us!
Bill Hoskins: MARY!! MARY!! Who is that man?!!
Mary Hoskins: Ohhh, he’s just a… OHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
[ the phone goes dead ]
Bill Hoskins: Did you HEAR that?!
Secretary: I’m… sure she’ll have a very convincing explanation, Mr. Hoskins…
Bill Hoskins: I should… I should call her!
[ Don enters ]
Don: Heyyyyyy, Billy! Congratulations, you son of a gun, youuuuu!
Bill Hoskins: Hello, Don! Don! Thanks! Thank you! [ they hug ]
Secretary: You have six minutes, Mr. Hoskins.
Bill Hoskins: Alright!
[ she exits ]
Don: Just wanted to tell you, pal — No hard feelings, I think the BEST man won!
Bill Hoskins: Oh, that is BEAUTIFUL, Don! I know how much you wanted this job.
Don: Wellll, I’m a team player, Bill, what can I tell you?
Bill Hoskins: Well, you’re a real stand-up guy, Don! You know, I really thought they were gonna give it to you! I mean, you’ve got seniority, you’ve got more experience, you’ve got an I.Q. that makes me look like a tree slug!
Don: [ laughing ] That’s true! But, you know what? You’ve got something special, and a LOT more valuable: Natural Leadership! Yeah! And let me tell you something else, Billy baby: I’m gonna be behind you EVERY step down the line!
Bill Hoskins: Awwww! Don, Don, like I said, you are a stand-up guy!
[ a Black man enters the office ]
Secretary: STOP!! YOU CAN’T GO IN THERE!!
Bill Hoskins: Say, hey! Who are you?
Drug Dealer: Hey, be cool, man! I got your ounce! [ he drops a baggie in Bill’s hand ]
Bill Hoskins: Well, what…? Wait! What is this?! What is this stuff?!
Don: It looks like an illegal addictive drug to me, Bill! [ he laughs ]
Bill Hoskins: What…?!
Drug Dealer: You know, to be perfectly honest, man, you should stop freebasing your blow — You’re gonna kill yourself.
Bill Hoskins: Hey, hey! Hey, hey, I don’t know what THAT means, and I son’t know who YOU are, so get the hell out of here and take this stuff WITH you, Buster!
Drug Dealer: Buster? Hey, yo — Look, man, you better give me the money you owe me, or I’m gonna bust you in your FACE, man!
Bill Hoskins: [ into his phone ] Beth?! Call Security!
Drug Dealer: Yo, what is this, man? I been carrying you for a whole month, you gonna call Security on me? [ he opens a switchblade ] I’m gonna cut your THROAT!
Bill Hoskins: Hey, hey! Hey! Hey!
Don: [ laughing ] Bill, you’d better give your dealer what he wants, pal, huh?
Bill Hoskins: Hey, hey — What are you, crazy?! I’ve never seen this man before in my life!
Don: Hey, pal, look — You guys are talking business! Three is a crowd. Uh, I’ll see you later.
Bill Hoskins: Hey, some stand-up guy you are!
Don: I guess the best man won after all, huh, Billy, huh? [ he mimes taking a snort, then exits ]
[ Secretary storms in ]
Secretary: YOU ANIMAL!! I just got my results back from the company physical! You’ve given me HERPES SIMPLEX!! It’s INCURABLE!! I’m RUINED for LIFE!!
Bill Hoskins: I’m sorry…!
Secretary: I just called your wife, and as soon as she’s able to talk, I’m gonna tell her that she’s got, it, too! And so does that damn gardener — Miguel!! [ she grabs the phone and puts it on speaker ]
Drug Dealer: Hey, man, you got no class at all, you know that?
[ over the phone, Mrs. Hoskins pants furiously ]
Miguel: Awwwwww, we will tell him together, my honey…! We will spend all his money!
Mary Hoskins: Ohhh, you’re so BOSS, my darling…! Ohhhh, yes!!
Bill Hoskins: Mary!! For God’s sake, Mary!!
Secretary: [ to the Drug Dealer ] Give it to him!
[ the Drug Dealer grabs Bill by the tie and holds his switchblade in front of Bill’s face ]
Bill Hoskins: No, no! Please! Please, no! Please!! No, no, no! Please, don’t!
[ suddenly, everyone in the room begins to clap ]
J.P.G.: Bravo! Bravo, everybody! Bravo! Just great! [ to the Drug Dealer ] You were terrific, young man! Miss Rogers has your check.
Drug Dealer: Thank you, Sir! It was a great part! Nice working with you, Mr. Hoskins. Good luck with your future. Y’all take it easy. [ he exits ]
Bill Hoskins: [ surprised ] J.P.G.?!
J.P.G.: [ laughing ] That’s right! That Captain of this great big schooner of ours! How do you feel?
Bill Hoskins: Well… I’m a little shaky, but I feel okay…
J.P.G.: Perfect! Perfect! Listen, you just passed our Human Reliability Executive Stress Test! [ he laughs ]
Secretary: Mr. Hoskins, you were just WONDERFUL!
Mary Hoskins: Oh, darling, I’m so PROUD!! And wasn’t Miguel just terrific?
Miguel: Muchos gracious, eh, Mr. Hoskins?
J.P.G.: You see, Hoskins — Before we move a man into a top management slot, we’ve gotta make sure that he WON’T crack under ANY pressure at all! You know? THe best scientific minds have devised these stress tests.
Bill Hoskins: Well, I-I hope I-I measured up to your expectations…
J.P.G.: [ he laughs boisterously ] You were WONDERFUL! Listen — anybody else, a normal mind, would have SNAPPED with what you just went through! Hoskins, you’ve got the RIGHT stuff!
Bill Hoskins: Sir, this is the PROUDEST day of my life!
J.P.G.: I’ll bet you worked up quite a little appetite, huh?
Bill Hoskins: Yeah.
J.P.G.: How about a little lunch on the 43rd Floor? [ he laughs ]
Bill Hoskins: Sounds good to ME, Sir! Sounds good to me! Oh — Oh, Sir, I’ve got a little surprise for you, too!
J.P.G.: Really?
Bill Hoskins: Yes! If you wouldn’t mnid waiting for me by the elevator… I’ll be right there!
J.P.G.: Sure, Hoskins! [ he laughs, then exits ]
[ Bob Hoskins returns to his desk, picks up the switchblade, then points it in J.P.G.’s wake and follows behind him ]
…..Brian Doyle-Murray …..Christine Ebersole Dr. Jack Badofsky…..Tim Kazurinsky …..Mary Gross Lou Grant…..Tony Rosato
Announcer: And now, SNL Newsbreak, with Mary Gross, Christine Ebersole, and Brian Doyle-Murray.
Brian Doyle-Murray: Good evening, Im Brian Doyle-Murray. Mary Gross is on assignment, Christine Ebersole is here. Our top story tonight:
Saturdays New York Daily News reports that Nancy Reagan has not returned the $100,000 in diamonds that she borrowed from a New York jeweler to wear at last years Inaugural Ball. Mrs. Reagan could not be reached for comment, but she was seen pursuing her newest hobby: planting things in the White House lawn.
[picture of the god Thor] This week, Alexander Haig, attempting to bring a quick end to the Falklands air war, often replaced the British Harrier jets lost in combat with Braniff airliners. The lobby was rejected because the planes were the wrong color.
In an attempt to raise money for the war effort, Argentina held a telethon last week in which they collected over four million dollars in contributions. However, with their inflation running at 142%, government officials were forced to strip foreign newsmen naked in order to provide uniforms for the Argentine army.
Christine?
Christine Ebersole: The Soviet endorsement of Argentina has created a new coalition of Argentinean fascism and Russian communism, and political analysts have already given it a new name. Its called Gaucho Marxism. [some groans; Christine pauses for a moment]
Alexandr Soljenitsin this week rejected a White House luncheon invitation. The exiled Soviet author said the meeting with other Soviet dissidents was a symbolic gesture, and he disapproved of it. President Reagan accepted the turndown, and replaced him with his original first choice: comedian Shecky Greene.
Now here with a summer health tip is SNL Newsbreak science editor Dr. Jack Badofsky.
[pan to Dr. Jack; applause]
Dr. Jack Badofsky: A- A- A lot of doctors are telling you how dangerous the summer suns rays can be. So heres my summer tip: watch out for creatures that are foaming at the mouth. Thats right. Summer is a prime time for abdivorus, commonly known as rabies.
[holds up a stack of cards, which he reveals one at a time]
Rabies. But I doubt that you are aware of the many strains of rabies that you can fall victim to. For example, should you be bitten by an ownerless dog, thats Straybies. And a foaming French poodle can give you Quest-ce Que-Cestbies.
A- A mad Mexican hairless can give you Alejandro-Reybies, a crazed reindeer can inflict Sleighbies, a spider bite can lead to Curds- and-Wheybies, and a demented gorillas a potential killer with Fay- Wraybies.
A grandmother frothing at the mouth can inflict Crochetbies, and being bitten by a stuttering bigot can lead to K-K-K-bies. Getting bitten by Elmer Fudd can give you a real painful case of Waybies, and if youre making love to a woman and you finish before she does, shes liable to get mad and bite you. Thats Mislaybies. [applause]
I was once bitten by my former wife and got Ex-Raybies. She was a radiologist. [some groans] A bite by a wry humorist can give you Carawaybies. [more groans] Thats a wry humorist OK.
Being bitten by a rabid rabbi can get you Oy-Veybies, [applause] and if you leg gets chomped on by a crazy poet, thats Edna-St.-Vincent- Milaybies. And Paraguaybies is what you get if youre bitten by two mad Latin American homosexuals.
Linda Lovelace could get you Fellabies
Christine Ebersole: Alright, OK, thats enough. Thank you very much. [applause] Brian?
Brian Doyle-Murray: The opening of Annie is scheduled for next week. The producers have mounted a ten-million-dollar media blitz to publicize the motion picture. Every star has been available for interviews for weeks, and now our own Mary Gross has an SNL exclusive. Come in, Mary.
[cut to Mary Gross sitting on a park bench with a dog]
Mary Gross: Hello Brian! Well, here I am in Central Park, and its really quite lovely.
Brian Doyle-Murray: Well, who do you have for us to, touh, who do you have for us?
Mary Gross: Cat got your tongue? Speaking of cats, Brian, this is Sandy, who plays Little Orphan Annies dog in the movie. Its an honor to have you on our show, Sandy!
[holds up a large speech bubble that reads Arf! The dog tries to jump off the bench]
Wow, this is fun. Live television gets him a little nervous. Tell me, what was it like working with John Huston?
Brian Doyle-Murray: Mary, Mary?
Mary Gross: Yeah?
Brian Doyle-Murray: Uh, I think youve done it again, Mary. That is not Sandy. He doesnt even look like Sandy, Mary.
Mary Gross: Brian, hes not wearing any makeup!
Brian Doyle-Murray: Well, I dont believe it. Its an imposter!
Mary Gross: Well, maybe this will help. Hold on there, boy. Whoa!
[lets the dog jump off the bench while she puts on a large red wig]
Here we go. This is fun, huh?
Brian Doyle-Murray: Be careful, Mary.
Mary Gross: Come here. [lifts the dog up again] Here we go. [begins to sing]
The sun will be out tomorrow Bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow Therell be sun—
Brian Doyle-Murray: Is that Back to you, Brian?
Mary Gross: Yeah, thats Back to you, Brian. [sings again; applause] The moon will be out tomorrow
Brian Doyle-Murray: Thank you. Thank you Mary and Sandy.
Well the map of the Falkland Islands has become a fa- as familiar a graphic representation as any in history. It means many things to many people, especially in Argentina. This week, the Argentine Psychiatric Association officially included the Falkland map in the Rorschach test, which analyzes personality traits by a persons response to, uh, inkblot designs. Now, the- to some people, this make look like, uh, a butterfly, to others, like a familiar dream figure. Well, the first Argentine responses to the test have come in, and theyre quite interesting.
[various answers scroll on the screen behind Brian, including Abbott & Costello, All the Reagans in Bed, Goodson & Todman, An Octopus in a Cuisinart, and Princess Dianas Acne]
Now SNL Newsbreak would like to hear from viewers about their responses to the inkblot. What does it remind you of? What im- what images does it recall to your mind? Uh, the ones that you are seeing here, these are from Argentineans. Now dont let them influence your spontaneous reactions. All you have to do is look at the inkblot map here for a few seconds, and then write down what it reminds you of, what it looks like to your eyes, or, or what image it elicits in your imagination.
Again, let me remind you, dont be affected by the Argentinean responses. We want American responses. Or if youre British, that might be interesting, too. Now the answers, theyll be recorded, fed into a computer, and analyzed by our own panel of psychiatrically trained news analysts. Results will be released at a later date, and the 15 most interesting responses will be rewarded a blotter and a bottle of ink. Now, Argentineans are disqualified, as are members of SNL Newsbreak staff and their families. So send your response to Blotto, New York, NY. Thank you. [applause; answers continue to scroll on the screen]
Christine? [still more answers; Brian pauses] Thats Blotto, New York, NY. Uh, youll be sending to Blotto. [still more answers. Christine laughs as Brian nervously looks offscreen] Christine, umm
Christine Ebersole: Thats Blotto, to New York. Yes. [cameras finally cut to Christine] Thank you.
New Jersey has virtually restored the death penalty in certain capital crimes. Male convicts will have a choice between the electric chair and a firing squad. Female convicts can choose between the gas chamber and a Rely tampon.
In his parole hearings last week, convicted assassin Sirhan B. Sirhan said that if his victim, Robert F. Kennedy, were alive today, he would fight for Sirhans rights. And John W. Hinckley, at his trial in Washington, agreed. Hinckley said that if Ronald Reagan were alive today, hed fight for Hinckleys rights.
Brian?
Brian Doyle-Murray: The newspaper world was hit with another setback this week when CBS gave veteran newsman Lou Grant his walking papers. We at SNL Newsbreak feel that a man with Lous experience deserves to be on the air doing news. And so now, heres Lou Grant with the weather.
[Lou steps onstage and approaches a weather map next to Brian]
Lou Grant: Thanks, Brian. Thanks a lot, Brian. [clears his throat] Well, lets have a look at the weather. [attempts to smile while waving a marker at the map]
Look, I cant do this Brian. This is silly. Forget it, I- I cant do the weather. Cmon.
Brian Doyle-Murray: Well, Im sorry, Lou. Its the only job we had open.
Lou Grant: Yeah, I know, but you know, the weather was Gordys job. I mean, I- Im a reporter. A newspaperman! I cant do the weather. I mean, what if Murray and Lou were watching, or somebody, and Ted and everybody?
Brian Doyle-Murray: Well, their series got picked up, and you didnt.
Lou Grant: Alright, alright.
Brian Doyle-Murray: Go on, why dont you just give it a shot, Lou? Try it, cmon.
Lou Grant: Well, lets have another look at the weather.
[drawing on the map] Theres a lot of little Hs all over the place here. A lot of little Ls, a lot of big Ls. But Ill tell you something right now, this is the real hot spot right here. [draws a rough outline of Central America underneath the map] Right there in El Salvador, thats where its really happening. Come on! Wake up, we gotta get food and supplies to these people, huh? The monsoon season is coming down! I mean were only a few miles away, for Gods sake. What the hells keeping everybody up, huh? Ill tell you–
Brian Doyle-Murray: Lou? I, uh, I just got this memo, uh, from the president of NBC. Theyve cancelled your weather report.
Lou Grant: What?? They cancelled me?
Brian Doyle-Murray: Im afraid so. It says, [pointing to the memo] Grant Tinker.
Lou Grant: Grant Tinker, what a weasel he is! I introduced him to Mary, did you know that? Mary used to be my girl! Aw, what the hell, forget that, Im gonna go looking for him. Ill fix his peacock brain!
[walks off the set; applause]
Brian Doyle-Murray: Sorry, Lou. Those are the breaks, Lou. He probably shouldnt have drawn on the wall, I thinkIm Brian Doyle- Murray. For Christine, Mary, and I, thats the news. Good night and good news.
[cheers and applause as Brian and Christine converse; fade]
Danny DeVito: And now, it’s my pleasure to introduce Ronald Mael of Sparks, with a few words about his first song.
[ pan over to Ronald Mael ]
The mouse is a member of the Rodent Family, distingushed from the rat in that it is smaller in size. [ DeVito frowns ] It usually measures six inches in length — approximately 15 centimeters — and weighs one ounce, which is, of course, approximately 28 grams. [ DeVito looks around at the rest of the band ] The mouse is responsible for much of the world’s pestulence and destruction. [ counting on his fingers ] When the mouse is not scaring women, eating saltine crackers from cupboards, or ingesting HUGE amounts of saccharine in laboratory experiments, the mouse has been known to enter the world of entertainment. [ DeVito flicks his tongue ] One such mouse… was named “Mickey.”
[ dissolve to the band ]
Russell Mael: [ singing ] “Can you raise both your hands and clap ’em? Can you say, “Sure, I’ll always try?” Can you make friends among people and animals?
Basically, everything is easy Give it a try, you’ll see I’m right ‘Cause if a mouse can be special, well so can you.
And my name is Mickey Mouse To my right is Minnie Mouse And we own a little place in Disneyland, California.
Let’s have a party and be happy We can invite my closest friends We can ask Donald Duck, Pluto, and all the gang.
And my name is Mickey Mouse To my right is Minnie Mouse And we own a little place in Disneyland, California.
Well, you should try to smile, dear Get yourself a pet deer.”
[ close-ups of the band members singing each individual animal’s name, including Ronald Mael smiling maniacally at the camera ]
[ having stood motionless at his keyboard until now, Ronald Mael approaches the center of the stage and begins to breakdance on the floor, then wipes the dust from his pants leg and returns to his keyboard ]
“And my name is Mickey Mouse To my right is Minnie Mouse And we overlook a place in Disneyland, California.”
[ Ronald Mael stares uncomfortably into the camera, as Russell dances behind him ]
“Did you raise both your hands and clap ’em? Did you say, “Sure, I’ll always try”. ‘Cause you look hesitant, wary, or am I wrong?
You can go off and be a loner Maybe you can’t believe a mouse. And if you feel the need, come back I’m here! For! You! And you! I’m here! For! You! And you!
And my name is Mickey Mouse To my right is Minnie Mouse And we overlook a place in Disneyland, California.
And my name is Mickey Mouse To my right is Minnie Mouse And we overlook a place in Disneyland, California.
And my name is Mickey Mouse To my right is Minnie Mouse And we overlook a place in Disneyland, California!”
[ Russell wraps his arm around Ronald and smiles at the camera ]
[ Ronald shrugs at the audience’s enthusastic response to their song ]
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Danny DeVito and the cast of “Saturday Night Live”!
[ DeVito poses with the cast, then saunters in front of the audience alone as they all scatter ]
Danny DeVito: Well… “Taxi” was cancelled by ABC! [ the audience boos ] That is, uh, the American Broadcasting Company! A… B… C! [ he makes a slit motion across his throat ] Huh? Huh? Huh? Well, you know, actors, actors, actors — we roll with the punches! [ he mimes getting K.O.’d ] Uh — You know, you’re up, you’re down, you’re up, you’re down… working, you’re out of work… flushed… you’re broke. It was REAL hard on my mother. [ he pulls a letter out of his pocket ] This afternoon, my… little… immigrant… Italian mother… she gave me this letter. She said to me: “Danny… [ in an Italian accent ] I want-a you-a to read-a this on-a national-a TV!” Okay, I’ll do it. [ he opens the letter ] Alright… [ reading ] “Son… You have been besmirched by men so shallow… that they do not know the depths to which their deeds have taken them. [ he shrugs ] May God forgive them, but of course we will understand if He does not. Love, Momma.” Wow!
I’ll tell you — The ONE thing that really bothers me is… I mean, like all actors, we’ve been in show and they’ve flopped — like one night, or something — but the one thing that you always got was your final bow. I mean… We didn’t get our final bow! I mean, we filmed our last show this year on March 5th, and… we didn’t KNOW it was our last show! It’s devastating, to find out your cancelled and you don’t get the final bow! Well, tonight, thanks to my comedy brothers and sisters here at “Saturday Night Live” — [ the audience applauds ] Yes! That’s right! I am gonna bring out the cast of “Taxi” for their FINAL BOW!
[ the audience applauds wildly ]
Danny DeVito: Latka Gravas, played by ANDY KAUFMAN!
[ Andy Kaufman, with his neck brace, comes out and takes a bow ]
Danny DeVito: Jim Ignatowski, played by CHRISTOPHER LLOYD!
[ Christopher Lloyd comes out and takes a bow ]
Danny DeVito: Elaine Nardo, played by MARILU HENNER!
[ Marilu Henner comes out and takes a bow ]
Danny DeVito: Tony Banta, played by TONY DANZA!
[ Tony Danza comes out and takes a bow ]
Danny DeVito: And ALEX RIEGER, played by JUDD HIRSCH!
[ Judd Hirsch comes out and takes a bow ]
[ the audience applauds ecstatically each time, until they finally give a standing ovation ]
Danny DeVito: Alright, that’s good! That’s good! Okay!
[ Judd Hirsch raises his hand to silence the audience ]
Judd Hirsch: And, of course… And, of course: [ he cups his hands to his mouth ] AND LOUIE DEPALMA, PLAYED BY DANNY DEVITO!!
[ the audience applauds wildly as DeVito hugs each of his co-stars ]
[ open on Brian Doyle-Murray seated next to Andy Kaufman ]
Brian Doyle-Murray: Andy Kaufman has been a frequent guest on “Saturday Night Live”. It was on this show, in 1979, that Andy first wrestled a woman on natinoal television. Well, since thn, he has wrestled and defeated over 400 women. However, last month, in Memphis, Andy wrestled a man for the first time. Not just ,i>any man, but the Southern Heavyweight Champion Jerry Lawler. Good evening, Andy. How did this match come about?
Andy Kaufman: Well, uh — as you said, I was wrestling women and, uh, I went down to Memphis and I wrestled a lot of women down there, and, uh, in my — in doing so, I made fun of Memphis and said a lot of things against Memphis and against a lot of people down there. So I was challenged by this man — Jerry Lawler.
Brian Doyle-Murray: Well, what made you decide to accept his challenge?
Andy Kaufman: Well… being that after having 400 wrestlnig matches with women and winning every one of them, and, uh — some of them being bigger than Jerry Lawler — I was stupid enough to think that I had, you know, I had a chance against him.
Brian Doyle-Murray: Jerry Lawler was quite serious about this match. Let’s take a look at his challenge to Andy.
[ cut to filmed footage from Jerry Lawler ]
Jerry Lawler: I make my living — I put my food on the table — by WRESTLING! And it’s a very serious sport to me. And I don’t like anybody like you coming around and making fun of it, or thinking they can do it just coming in walking off the street! So I’m gonna show you just how SERIOUS it is! So don’t expect any mercy from me, Andy Kaufman! Because when you climb into that ring, I’m gonna consider you a PROFESSIONAL wrestler! And I’m gonna BURST your bubble about being a wrestler! And it’ll be the last time you’ll ever want to wrestle, the last time you’ll ever want to step in the ring, and the last time that you fantasize about being a wrestler. Andy Kaufman — You’re gonna get HURT, Son!
[ return to Brian Doyle-Murray and Andy Kaufman ]
Brian Doyle-Murray: Well, that particular match took place last month at the Midsouth Coliseum in Memphis, Tennessee. Let’s take a look at some of the action, with ringside commentary by Lance Russell.
[ cut to the match footage ]
[ bell dings ]
Lance Russell V/O: Here we go! And the bell time has sounded.
[ Lawler lunges forward, but Kaufman lifts a foot over the ropes to safety as the referee jumps between them ]
Lance Russell V/O: Referee Jerry Caulhoun. As Kaufman, at 160, is giving away better than 70 pounds to the king. Kaufman using the ropes as Lawler just stands and waits.
[ Kaufman taunts Lawler from a safe distance ]
Lance Russell V/O: Kaufman, right now, making fun of Lawler. Not a good idea. Again, hes going into his monkey routine. Lawler looking mammoth in comparison with Andy Kaufman.
[ Kaufman rushes back over the rope to safety ]
Lance Russell V/O: Andy Kaufman just may have overstepped his fantasy by stepping in with one of THE toughest wrestlers in the world.
[ Lawler follows Kaufman around the ring, until Kaufman again steps over the ropes ]
Lance Russell V/O: Lawler, ready for a little contact. Kaufman, on the outside, on the apron. Referee Jerry Calhoun. And Kaufman gets right back out. He broke the count. And hes showing everybody just how smart he was, and I would have to agree with him. The smartest thing he could do is stay away from Lawler all night long.
[ wipe to later in the match ]
Lance Russell V/O: Now Lawlers getting tired. He gets out of the ring.
[ Lawler grabs a microphone and addresses Kaufman ]
Jerry Lawler: Let me ask you something: Did you come down here to wrestle, or act like an ASS?
[ the crowd cheers ]
Lance Russell V/O: Lawler, confronting Kaufman verbally, as he hadnt been able to lay a hand — and the crowd reacting to it. Jerry said, “Did you come down here to wrestle, or to act like… so and so?”
Jerry Lawler: I’ll stand right in the middle of the ring — YOU put the headlock on me! I’m gonna give you the first shot!
[ wipe to Lawler standing in the ring waiting for Kaufman to take his free shot ]
Lance Russell V/O: Lawler saying, “Ill stand in the middle of the ring and let you put a headlock on me.” He said, “Ill give you the first shot. Now, come on, lets wrestle!” Lawler still waiting as Kaufman, reluctant to even take a free headlock on… [ Kaufman wraps his arm around Lawler’s neck ] Oh, now he goes. Lawler hasnt done anything. Kaufman very, very tentative. [ Lawler raises a pointed finer ] Lawler lifted up a finger, as if to say: “Are you ready? Wait one minute.” And now Kaufmans got him! Bob Zmuda, his ring manager, saying, “Squeeze down on him.” Lawler grabs him! Straight up!
[ Lawler grabs Kaufman, raises him in the air, then drops backward ]
Lance Russell V/O: And he SLAMS Kaufman! On a side — Kaufman is down, and maybe out! No, his legs twitching.
[ Kaufman twitches, then Lawler grabs him by his neck and holds him upside-down ]
Lance Russell V/O: Lawler, with a piledriver! Only the second —
[ Lawler drops Kaufman again ]
Lance Russell V/O: Its gonna be a disqualification! Danny Dennis, his manager, not believing it. Jerry Lawler — six minutes and fifty seconds, with a piledriver — has been disqualified. The winner, by disqualification: Andy Kaufman.
[ Lawler grabs Kaufman by the neck again ]
Lance Russell V/O: Lawler, rolling Kaufman. Hes gonna give it to him again. He figures hes already lost it.
[ Lawler flips Kaufman upside-down again, and drops him to the mat ]
Lance Russell V/O: And Kaufman is OUT COLD!
[ wipe to slow-motion instant replay ]
Brian Doyle-Murray V/O: Ooh, lets take a look at the drop again in slow motion. Andy, now what was going through your mind, uh, at the time there?
Andy Kaufman V/O: Well… actually, I dont really remember too much. I just remember a lot of pain and dizzyness. And I dont remember much what it felt like, actually.
Brian Doyle-Murray V/O: Uh huh. Well, they had to carry you out of the ring, Andy. That was your exit from this match. How do you feel now?
[ dissolve back to Brian and Andy onstage ]
Andy Kaufman: Well, um — I just feel — I — I would just like to apologize to — Im probably never gonna wrestle again. I dont plan on ever wrestling again. Uh… [ the audience applauds ] I would just — What happened to me, it probably serves me right, and I deserved it, and I want to apologize to all the wrestling people — the promoters and the wrestlers who Ive caused any discomfort to for making a mockery of the sport these past few years, and Id also like to apologize to… to, uh… to all the women that Ive wrestled and all the women who Ive said, you know, who Ive offended by saying those nasty things that Ive been saying, and Id like to apologize to the public in general. If Ive offended anybody, Im sorry, and you know, I just… all I can say is, Im sorry… and I hope that youll forgive me.
Danny DeVito: Yow!! Now, I’d like to introduce you to the woman who wrote that letter — My momma, Julia DeVito! [ the audience applauds wildly ] Alright, Julia! Alright! Yeah!
[ Ronald Mael is lifted in the background ]
Danny DeVito: Now, Ma — Is there anything you want to say more to ABC?
Julia DeVito: Yeah! [ she rambles in Italian ] To A.B.C.: Es stupida! [ she flicks her thumb over her front teeth, then continues smoking her cigarette ]
[ the audience cheers wildly ]
Tony Danza: Yeah, Julia! Way to go, baby! [ he kisses her ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 7: Episode 19 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
May 15th, 1982 Danny DeVito Sparks Andy Kaufman Christopher Lloyd Marilu Henner Tony Danza Judd Hirsch Yvonne Hudson Neil Levy Jerry Lawler Julia DeVito Andy Kaufman Teaser
Montage
Danny DeVito’s MonologueSummary: After announcing that ABC has abruptly cancelled “Taxi” for low ratings, Danny DeVito brings out the cast so they can make their final bow. Also Hosted: 83b, 87f, 88g, 92j, 99h. Note: HBO wanted to acquire “Taxi” and produce new episodes on its cable station, but NBC secured the rights first and placed it on the same night and time slot it had at ABC. It was scheduled back-to-back with new sitcom “Cheers”; both shows had been created by the Charles-Burrows-Charles team. “Taxi” again finished that season with low ratings and was cancelled once and for all. Transcript
TaxiSummary: Louie DePalma (Danny DeVito) drives a cab to ABC’s headquarters and detonates the building with a bomb. Transcript
The WhinersSummary: Doug (Joe Piscopo) and Wendy Whiner (Robin Duke) annoy a fellow passenger (Danny DeVito) while preparing for a flight aboard an airplane. Recurring Characters: Doug Whiner, Wendy Whiner. Transcript
Executive Stress TestSummary: Just as he receives a great promotion at work, Bob Hoskins (Danny DeVito) finds himself stressed out over a series of events that appear to be out of his control. Transcript
America is Turning GaySummary: Spoofing Dr. Pepper’s “Be A Pepper” and “America’s Turning 7-Up” jingles, Americans dance in the streets to celebrate their sudden openness in being gay. Note: Repeat from 81o.
Table TalkSummary: Tony Rosato demonstrates how to skillfully order wine without being taken for a chump by the Steward (Nate Herman). Transcript
No More WrestlingSummary: Brian Doyle-Murray interviews Andy Kaufman about his recent match with professional wrestler Jerry Lawler. Transcript
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 7: Episode 18 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos: Bit Players:
April 24th, 1982 Robert Culp Charlie Daniels Band None None Neil Levy I-SpyRecurring Characters: Billie Jean King, Bill Cosby
Montage
Middle Age of AquariusRecurring Characters: Mary Travers.
Party Girl
Charlie Daniels Band performs “Still in Saigon”
SNL Newsbreak with Brian Doyle-Murray
Uterus
James Brown is AnnieRecurring Characters: James Brown.
Sunken SubmarineSummary: Life goes on for the crew of the U.S.S. Cunningham, despite their having wrecked on the bottom of the ocean floor in 1963.
Babies in MakeupSummary: In a short film by Edward Bianchi, babies and toddlers are glammed up to the sounds of “Alabama Song (Whiskey Bar)” by The Doors. Note: Repeat from: 81i.
Happy’s Mayonnaise Palace
Charlie Daniels Band performs “The Devil Went Down to Georgia”
Air Date:
Summary: Doug (Joe Piscopo) and Wendy Whiner (Robin Duke) annoy a fellow passenger (Danny DeVito) while preparing for a flight aboard an airplane.
Recurring Characters: Solomon, Pudge.
Recurring Characters: Ozzy Osbourne.
Summary: Spoofing Dr. Pepper’s “Be A Pepper” and “America’s Turning 7-Up” jingles, Americans dance in the streets to celebrate their sudden openness in being gay.
Summary: Life goes on for the crew of the U.S.S. Cunningham, despite their having wrecked on the bottom of the ocean floor in 1963.
Summary: In a short film by Edward Bianchi, babies and toddlers are glammed up to the sounds of “Alabama Song (Whiskey Bar)” by The Doors.