Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 12


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:
March 7th, 1981

Bill Murray

Delbert McClinton

None

Bonnie Bramlett

Mark King

Paul Shaffer

Neil Levy

Brian Doyle-Murray
It Just Doesn’t MatterSummary: Bill Murray tells the worried cast to ignore SNL’s bad ratings and to adopt a laissez-faire attitude towards performing on tonight’s show.

Note: Despite Bill Murray’s pep talk, this would be the final episode for Gilbert Gottfried, Ann Risley, Charles Rocket, Matthew Laurance and Patrick Weathers, as well as writer/non-credited performer Mitchell Kriegman.

Transcript

Montage

Bill Murray’s MonologueSummary: An excited Bill Murray tosses a woman in the audience over his shoulder. Eddie Murphy rushes out to stop his antics, whereupon the duo proclaim themselves a star-powered comedy team.

Transcript

Formula for the Good LifeSummary: Jersey guy Paulie Herman (Joe Piscopo) speaks favorably of the chemical industry.

Recurring Characters: Paulie Herman.

Script in DevelopmentSummary: The revisions in a writer’s (Bill Murray) mystery novel are acted out behind him as he types.

Transcript

Altered WalterSummary: Walter Cronkite (Bill Murray) gets stoned in a sensory-deprivation tank, much to the changrin of his wife (Denny Dillon) and Dan Rather (Joe Piscopo).

Recurring Characters: Walter Cronkite, Dan Rather.

Delbert McClinton and Bonnie Bramlett perform “Givin’ It Up For Your Love”

Saturday Night NewslineSummary: Dr. Jonathan Lear (Mark King) shows off photos of DNA molecules.

Bio: Mark King (1958-) is the bass player for the band Level 42, who would later appear as musical guest in 1986.

Transcript

Chapstick CelebritiesSummary: “Chapstick” is the new last name preferred by celebrities everywhere.

Recurring Characters: Sammy Davis Jr.

Saturday Night Newsline IISummary: Bill Murray’s annual Oscar picks result in awards given to SNL’s original cast.

Transcript

Nick RiversSummary: Nick “Rivers” (Bill Murray) entertains passengers aboard a Mardi Gras cruise along the Mississippi River.

Recurring Characters: Nick the Lounge Singer.

Note: Paul Shaffer’s last official episode as leader of the SNL band is marked by his appearance in this sketch.

Transcript

Saturday Night Newsline IIISummary: Sports reporter Joe Piscopo suggests softer sticks as a solution to hockey violence.

Note: Charles Rocket references his F-bomb from the last episode, by asking “Did you say puck?” in response to Joe Piscopo’s report.

Transcript

“Cut Flowers”Summary: In a film by Mary Pat Kelly, an indecisive man (Brian Doyle-Murray) visits a florist (Bill Murray).

Transcript

No Sex With MarySummary: To avoid starting a scandal, Mary Cunningham’s (Gail Matthius) new co-executives insist that they’re not sleeping with her.

Transcript

What’s The Cat’s Name?Summary: Ron (Matthew Laurance) house guests (Bill Murray, Ann Risley) try in vain to remember the name of his cat.

Transcript

Delbert McClinton and Bonnie Bramlett perform “Shotgun Rider”

Bubba’s Wash, Fayetta’s DrySummary: Bubba (Bill Murray) and Fayetta (Denny Dillon) are forced to share their laundromat after their divorce.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 11

80k: Charlene Tilton / Todd Rundgren, Prince

Weekend Update with Charles Rocket & Gail Matthius

…..Charles Rocket
…..Gail Matthius
David A. Stockman…..Gilbert Gottfried

Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update” with co-anchors Charles Rocket and Gail Matthius.

Charles Rocket: Good evening, I’m Charles Rocket. Here now, the news.

Our top story: For the first time in his life, Frank Sinatra had a drink today with a man who does NOT have a nickname. Make a note of it!

Upon his arrival in Cebu City, Phillipines, The Pope said, and I’m quoting now, “The selfish pursuit of sexual pleasure and the fear of permanent committment are destructive forces and, as such, should be restricted to the state of California.

Gail?

Gail Matthius: The United States postal service got approval to raise the price of a stamp to eighteen cents. The additional revenue will go toward improving their service. That means that now you’ll get the wrong mail a day earlier! [ no response ] Okay.

The drought continues in the Northeast. To make sure that all New Yorkers conserve water, Mayor Koch announced that the city is piping in all its water from Three Mile Island. In New Jersey, reservoir levels are so low that a woman in Newark turned on her sink, and out popped Jimmy Hoffa’s pinky ring. [ the audience groans ] It’s true.

Charles Rocket: Would you believe that this is a photo of a congressman’s wife? Well, it is! And this is how she’ll look in next month’s Playboy. Her name: Rita Jeanerette. Her husband: John Jeanerette, an ABSCAM victim, and, as you can see, apparently he needed the money for a breast lift. [ he stomps his feet ] Rita also revealed that she and her husband once made love on the steps of the Capitol Building. And, as many Washington insiders know, this is just the tip of the iceberg. Yes, Margaret Trudeau was frequently seen late at night in a skimpy negligee, slithering up to the Washington Monument. That’s not all! Yes, and there was Truman Capite, who once spent the night in the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier. Oh, Truman, come on now, huh? Well, the pressure of Washington, I guess, leads to strange behavior.

In Las Vegas, fire marshalls have asked the city’s hotels to increase their fire safety standards. Well, Caesar’s Palace has come up with the quickest way to evacuate their guests. What do they do? Hey! I’ll answer that for you. They have installed smoke alarms that play a recording of Eddie Fisher singing “O, My Papa”!

Gail?

Gail Matthius: The State Department announced that is is becoming more and more alarmed as Cuba continues to ship arms and weapons to the Communist guerrillas in El Salvador. The chances of american intervention are growing: Bob Hope is already practicing how to say “Merry Christmas” in Spanish! [ no response ] In Spanish.

Heavy fighting in El Salvador. Many casualties resulted when a guerrilla bugle boy panicked. Instead of sounding retreat, he played… The Best of Herb Alpert.

Charles Rocket: The latest trend in music — no, not Herb alpert! It’s coming from — of all places — Italy! Inspired by Jamaican rock, the new sound is called… Ragu music. Incidentally, it is performed by an Italian religious group called the… Pastafarians.

And now, budget director David A. Stockman with a message for the nation’s nearly needy. Mr. Stockman.

David A. Stockman: This week, a great many of you found out that you are not truly needy, but only nearly needy. In other words, you WON’T be getting food stamps any more. But I’ve come up with a new way you can earn back those food stamps and, at the same time, help fight crime. We call it the “Catch a Crook, Eat a Meal” program. How does it work? It’s simple. If you qualify as a nearly needy person, you can hunt down wanted criminals and turn them in for food stamps. Can you catch a mugger? If you can, we’ll give you enough foo stamps for a hearty breakfast of Ham and Eggs and all the coffee you can drink. Still hungry? Bring us an armed robber, and we’ll feed you for a week. And that’s not all. Gun down a suspected murderer, and we’ll give you $10,000 cash tomorrow, and you can forget about food stamps. If you only wound a suspect, and he gets away… you get nothing. For further details, this pamphlet. [ he holds up a pamphlet ] “Catch a Crook, Eat a Meal” is available at your post office, along with a list of wanted criminals and local nutjobs. Remember: We’ll double your stamps if you bring your suspect in alive.

Charles Rocket: Thank you, Mr. Stockman.

Well, this week Mr. Reagan announced other budget cuts, which included a 15% reduction in funding to the theater arts. When asked whether this would severely hamper the education of future performers, Mr. Reagan replied, and I’m quoting now: “Hey! I made it without learning how to act!”

Well, that wasn’t all. 83 big programs were whittled down to the bone, totaling over $41.4 billion in cuts. Food stamps, Medicaid, subsidized housing, child nutrition, student aid, mass transit, cuts, cuts, cuts that affect all of us! [ outraged ] Listen here, Ronnie, baby! If you want to save money, why don’t you have Nancy shop at Sears?! [ the audience cheers enthusiastically ]

Charles Rocket: Oh, and a lot of you are asking me right now, with mental telepathy: “Where’s Joe Piscopo, huh?” [ in Piscopo’s frantic style ] Okay, he’s at ringside with the super fight between Rocko Weineretto and challenger Weindulah! Which will be seen later, LIVE, on this evening’s program! For Gail Matthius and the entire “Weekend Update” team, I’m Charles Rocket. Good night, and… watch out.

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 11

80k: Charlene Tilton / Todd Rundgren, Prince

Mr. Robinson’s Neighborhood

Mr. Robinson…..Eddie Murphy
Mr. Speedy…..Gilbert Gottfried

[ open on toy model of a housing project, with SUPER: “MISTER ROBINSON’S NEIGHBORHOOD”, as police sirens sound ]

[ dissolve to interior, apartment, as Mr. Robinson enters ]

Mr. Robinson: [ singing ]
“It’s… one… hell of a day in the neighborhood
A hell of a day for a neighbor
Would you be mine?
Could you be mine?
I’ve always wanted to live in a house like yours, my friend
Maybe when there’s nobody home… I’ll break in!
So… come out with some folks and a smoke
You bring the stash, ’cause Robinson’s broke!
Will you be mine?
Won’t you be mine?
Won’t you be my neighbor?”

[ he finishes changing into his sweater and shoes ]

Mr. Robinson: Hi, boys and girls! I’m all alone today. But that don’t mean you can stay too long. My wife will be home from work soon. Can you say “BITCH”? I’m sure you can. That’s our special word today, you know. Come see. [ he steps over to an easel with the word “BITCH” on it ] It’s a very special word! Do you know any? I’m sure you do! They come on all colors — Black… White… Puerto Rican. Go practice your new word to see if you’re saying it right. Walk into Mommy’s room… and say “BITCH!” I’ll wait! [ a beat ] Did Mommy slap you? Then you said it right!

[ a buzzing sound at the front door ]

[ Mr. Robinson purses his lips ]

Mr. Robinson: Who can that be? I’ll go and check! [ he walks up the short flight of stairs and stands before the door ] WHO IS IT?!!

Muffled Voice: It’s me!

[ Mr. Robinson turns to the camera and purses his lips ]

Mr. Robinson: It’s Mr. Speedy! He has a package for me! [ he opens the door to let Mr. Speedy shuffle inside ] Hello, Mr. speedy! What did you bring me today?

Mr. Speedy: I brought you a chemistry kit! It cost you $125!

Mr. Robinson: Oh! A “chemistry kit”. “$125”, huh? [ he shoves Mr. Speedy into the hall and slams the door shut ] I ripped him off! You should never play with chemicals unless you know what you’re doing, boys and girls. Can you say “Richard Pryor”? We will play with this a little bit later, but right now let’s take a trip to our wonderful, magical city of fantasy. [ he steps over to a cardboard model of his building ] Oh, look — a bombed-out building! What could you do with this building? Could you live in it? Could you corner somebody in it and take his wallet? Our neighbors are having so much fun, our friends can hardly wait to go out and play! [ he reaches down for a toy cab ] Oh, look — Mr. Taxicab Driver is driving through our neighborhood! [ he pulls a string to drag the cab past the building ] Think he’ll pick up one of the people from our neighborhood? No way! [ he smashes the toy cab with a Coke bottle ] Can you say “Throw a Coke bottle”?

Well, since I have to walk to work — I can’t catch a cab — I gotta walk 63 blocks. So… I’ll see you tomorrow, because you’re special!

[ singing, as he changes his shoes ]
“Tomorrow
Tomorrow
I’ll soak my feel tomorrow
‘Til they feel… brand new!
‘Til then, I hope you’re feeling… happy
My neighborhood is very… crappy!
A very happy tomorrow to you!”

Goodbye, boys and girls! See you later.

[ dissolve to the prop exterior of Mr. Robinson’s building, as one of the room ignites with a flash ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 11

80k: Charlene Tilton / Todd Rundgren, Prince

Backstage Revenge

…..Charlene Tilton
…..Gilbert Gottfried
…..Todd Rundgren

(the dressing room, backstage. Tilton sits on the same bench, reviewing the script for tonight’s show. Gilbert Gottfried comes in and notices her sitting there.)

Gottfried: (shyly) Um … Charlene?

Tilton: Hi, Gilly!

Gottfried: (sits down) You know, tomorrow, we have the day off. And I was wondering if you’d like to have brunch with me. I mean, I know this place in Brooklyn, you can get unlimited Bloody Marys for five bucks.

Tilton: Aww. (puts her hand on his shoulder) Hey Gilly, uh, I’m really sorry, but I’m having brunch with Charlie at the Plaza.

Gottfried: Oh. Well, well, maybe tomorrow night we can see a movie. I mean, I wouldn’t mind seeing “Insatiable” again.

Tilton: Well – Gilly, that’s very nice of you, but uh, I promised Charlie I’d see a show with him. He’s got these great tickets for “Evita.”

Gottfried: Oh, you and Charlie … Ann must be feeling terrible.

Tilton: Ann? What are you talking about?

Gottfried: Oh, oh, you didn’t know that Ann and Charlie have been having this torrid love affair … Ann’s carrying Charlie’s baby.

Tilton: (her jaw drops. she closes the script and suddenly becomes spiteful) That two-timer! I’ll get Charlie Rocket.

(she gets up and leaves)

Gottfried: (now sullenly jealous) Charlie Rocket. How come HE gets to take out all the hosts? Sally Kellerman, Jamie Lee Curtis, Malcolm MacDowell … (stands up) How come nobody wants to go out with me?

Todd Rundgren: (passing by) Uh, uh, Gilly? I’ll go out with you. (tongue in cheek)

(Todd walks out of shot. The camera zooms in on Gottfried’s scowling face)

Gottfried: That Charlie Rocket. I’ll get him if it’s the last thing I do.

(cliffhanger cue)

Submitted by: The G Man

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 11

80k: Charlene Tilton / Todd Rundgren, Prince

Haunted Lincoln Bedroom

Nancy Reagan…..Gail Matthius
Doria Reagan…..Ann Risley
Bellboy…..Eddie Murphy
Mary Todd Lincoln…..Denny Dillon

[ open on close-up of a diary, as the hands of Nancy Reagan open it ]

Nancy Reagan V/O: “Dear Diary… Everything’s going so well. I’m First-Lady, and every woman in America worships me.” Oh! [ she writes over her entry ] “Every human in America worships me. Only one thing mars my happiness: That scheming opportunist that married my Ron Jr. — Doria!” [ scribbling ferociously ] “DORIA! DORIA!! DORIA!!! If only things could be different…”

[ thunder strikes, as the image dissolves to the Lincoln Bedroom ]

[ Nancy opens the creaking door while holding a candleabra ]

Nancy Reagan: I wonder what’s taking my new daughter-in-law so long? It isn’t every night a girl gets to sleep in Lincoln’s bedroom.

Doria Reagan: Ow! Ow! It’s pitch black in this hall! Ow!

Nancy Reagan: Oh, I’m sorry, Doria! Take this! [ she throws the candleabra into the hall ]

[ Doria screams as she runs into the bedroom ]

Doria Reagan: Oh! I was almost burned!

Nancy Reagan: Thank God you’re all right — we could have had a nasty grease fire.

Doria Reagan: It was awfuly nice of you to invite me to spend the night, Mrs. Reagan. Especially since you referred to me in the papers as “That cheap piece of trash.”

Nancy Reagan: Ohhh, you know the press! Always “quoting” people! I mean… “misquoting” people.

Doria Reagan: Oh. [ she laughs ] But I thought you said Skip was meeting us here?

Nancy Reagan: Oh, he was just called away on an emergency pais-do-do.

Doria Reagan: Oh.

Nancy Reagan: But… he told me to take care of you, and that’s exactly what I intend to do.

[ thunder roars ]

Doria Reagan: I don’t know… it’s kind of creepy in here.

Nancy Reagan: Oh, don’t worry — I’m here. If you need me, just ring this. [ she holds up a bell ]

[ Nancy exits the bedroom, as thunder continues to rumble ]

[ Doria grabs the bell and attempts to ring it, but discovers there’s no tone inside ]

[ ominous laughter comes from the hall, so Doria frantically opens the door… only to discover Nancy standing outside the door ]

Nancy Reagan: Oh! [ she covers her mouth ] Sweet dreams! [ she laughs ominously once again, and shuts the door ]

[ Doria crosses the room and stands in front of a portrait of Abraham Lincoln, which suddenly reaches out and grabs her hair ]

Doria Reagan: Aiighhhh!!!! Somebody, help me!! Help me!!

[ Doria rushes across the room and thrusts the door open; Nancy enters ]

Nancy Reagan: What is it?

Doria Reagan: [ frantic ] Abraham Lincoln just tried to do my hair!!

Nancy Reagan: Doria, Doria… you’re imagining things. Abraham Lincoln wouldn’t TOUCH your hair!

Doria Reagan: Oh! Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You’re right. I forgot.

[ Nancy shuts the door, then pokes her head back in ]

Nancy Reagan: Of course I’m right.

[ Nancy exits ]

[ suddenly, there’s a knock at the door ]

[ Doria opens the door to reveal a bellboy ]

Bellboy: Are you Doria Reagan?

Doria Reagan: [ afraid ] Yeah!

Bellboy: I got a ticket for you. Ford Theater. Balcony. Care of… Mr. Booth. Enjoy.

[ he exits and closes the door ]

Doria Reagan: What is going ON here?!

[ thunder strikes, and a voice begins to moan from underneath the bedsheets ]

[ suddenly, the bedsheets flip over to reveal Mary Todd Lincoln singing ]

Doria Reagan: Aiiiigghhhh!!! Mary Todd Lincoln singing Rogers & Hammerstein!! I’m getting out of here!! Somebody!! Somebody!!

[ Doria thrusts open the bedroom door, as Nancy appears ]

Doria Reagan: I’m leaving! And don’t you try and stop me!

[ Nancy holds up Doria’s suitcase ]

[ Doria grabs her suitcase and runs down the hall, screaming as she crashes down the stairs ]

Nancy Reagan: Oh, and be careful on those stairs! Someone left marbles all over them!

[ Nancy laughs ominously, as thunder crackles ]

[ pull out on set, then upward into the balcony, zoom in on man in the audience with SUPER: “Couldn’t Score At Woodstock” ]

[ fade ]

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 11

80k: Charlene Tilton / Todd Rundgren, Prince

Speaking Out

Bill…..Matthew Laurence
Officer Ruth Warren…..Denny Dillon

[ open on title card ]

[ dissolve to public access set ]

Bill: Good evening. Welcome to “Speaking Out”. Sitting next to me is a member of the New York City Police Department — Officer Ruth Warren. Officer Warren is part of a special unit, recently formed to combat a growing problem in the city. Officer Warren? [ he acknowledges the camera ] speak Out.

Officer Ruth Warren: Thank you, Bill.

Bill: You’re welcome.

Officer Ruth Warren: I’d like to speak out to every citizen who is watching. We have a very serious new crime that is being committed all over the city, and we intend to put a stop to it.

Bill: What is that crime?

Officer Ruth Warren: Well, the crime is illegal use of bathroom facilities that were built for the handicapped only. You see, what we’ve got, Bill, is a lot of people in the wrong toilets.

Bill: That’s awful! That is awful!

Officer Ruth Warren: Right! Now, THEY know they’re in there, and WE know they’re in there, and we intend to pull them OUT of there!

Bill: Well, Officer Warren, uh — what exactly are they doing in there?

Officer Ruth Warren: Well, uh, why, uh… face it, Bill — it’s a great stall! I mean, it’s as big as a room, there’s no graffiti, and, best of all, you’ve got those wonderful chrome rails. You know, you just throw your coat over it.

Bill: Wow, that’s really outrageous to me, that’s outrageous. Now, how do you catch these people?

Officer Ruth Warren: Well, we have our basic techniques. Uh — foremost, of course, of which is surveillance.

Bill: Waht do you mean?

Officer Ruth Warren: Peeking. You know, take a look, preferably over the top.

Bill: Over the top?

Officer Ruth Warren: Uh-huh.

Bill: Did you ever try, you know, just peeking through the crack in the door?

Officer Ruth Warren: Well, Bill, one of our officers tried that, see, and what happened was, the door opened and he lost half his nose.

Bill: Ow! Now, are you making many arrests?

Officer Ruth Warren: Oh, yes. Thanks, of course, in part to our informers.

Bill: Informers. Now, who are those?

Officer Ruth Warren: Oh, well, you have your bathrom regulars, you know, that the police department works with.

Bill: It sounds to me like you’ve got the problem well in hand.

Officer Ruth Warren: Uh, not at all. You know, these people are getting very tricky in there.

Bill: How?

Officer Ruth Warren: Well, the most common trick is, uh, they lift the left foot up, you know? [ she demonstrates ] So that way, if somebody looks underneath, they see a person with one foot, God forbid!

Bill: Oh! These people are getting SO clever these days.

Officer Ruth Warren: Oh, that’s nothing! Now these bimbos are bring shopping carts in there, so when the police look under all they see is wheels.

Bill: Officer Warren, we’re running out of time. Do you have any final comments?

Officer Ruth Warren: Oh, yes. Yes. Uh, yes. We — we — we need public assistance. If anyone sees one of these criminals, please remember: Don’t just sit there, DO SOMETHING!

Bill: “Do something.” Good night. Thank you.

[ fade ]

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 11

80k: Charlene Tilton / Todd Rundgren, Prince

Charlene Tilton’s Monologue

…..Charlene Tilton

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Charlene Tilton!

Charlene Tilton: Alright! Hello! I LOVE it! I love you! I can’t tell y’all — it is SO great to be here! It is so refreshing to get away from the crime, the corruption and the sex I have to face each week on “Dallas”. I mean, I gotta tell ya’! If you want to get away from crime, sex and corruption, where else should you go except New York? [ the crowd cheers ] Speaking of sex, though — I mean, you wouldn’t beleive how many people here at this show have tried to take advantage of me. [ male audience member “whoo”s ] Hey, can you blame them! [ she laughs ] But, no, really, honestly — the only one I trust at this show is Charlie Rocket. The only one! He is the only one at this show who has NOT tried to take advantage of me, and he’s the ONLY one who’s really not a lecher! Um — and I really gotta take this opportunity to thank him for helping me and coaching me, and I really do appreciate it, Charlie. Uh, also, there is one other thing I’ve always wanted to say, ever since I was about, uh, [ sge holds her arm up ] this high! [ she laughs ] And that is, uh: “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!” No, I’m just kidding! I’m just kidding! Charlei gave me permission to say that, so he said it’s okay. So, uh, anyway — we’ll be right back, okay?

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 11

80k: Charlene Tilton / Todd Rundgren, Prince

After Midnight

Vince Calypso…..Charles Rocket
Marylin Sparks…..Gail Matthius
…..Charlene Tilton
…..cast of SNL

(groovy music plays over the opening title. The host sits on a mattress wearing only sunglasses and a swimsuit, holding a microphone, talking in a hip, suggestive tone.)

Vince: Hi. I’m Vince Calypso and welcome to “After Midnight”, the cable TV show that’s not afraid to explore relationships. We believe that only by knowing others can you get to know yourself, whether you’re into swapping or making your loved one walk on a leash. Everything’s all right, as long as nobody gets hurt. We’ve been joined tonight by someone who’s very much into what I’m into … Honey? Tell us your name.

(pan over to “Kitty,” martini in hand)

Kitty: (speaks softly, like Marylin Monroe) My name is Marylin Sparks, but you can call me Kitty. (sips martini)

Vince: Kitty, why don’t you introduce us to your friend here?

(a live sheepdog is also on the mattress with them)

Kitty: Sure. This is Muffin.

Vince,/b>: Kitty, why don’t you tell everybody what we’re going to do with Muffin?

Kitty: We’re going to give Muffin a bath.

Vince: Wowwwwww, that’s good for his coat isn’t it, Kitty?

Kitty: And his mind. The first thing you do is get Muffin all wet.

VinceYou mean like this? (takes a sudsy sponge and rubs it on Kitty’s shoulder. She moans in pleasure as the sheepdog walks off the mattress) Oh, I’m sorry, Kitty. Gee, it’s so much fun to bathe your dog.

Kitty: (gets the sheepdog back on the mattress) Here Muffin, come up here, babe …

Vince: … Or watch someone bathe their dog.

Kitty: Oh, he doesn’t want it … that’s good, sit down.

Vince: … Or even get together and swap dogs. (he squeezes some more suds on Kitty and she moans some more. The sheepdog gets off the mattress again.) Oh my goodness. Oh golly.

(the camera switches to a cross-hairs POV shot which slowly zooms in on the pair)

Kitty: Oh, don’t! … Oh gosh, there goes the dog …

(the cross-hairs lands on Vince’s neck, after which a gunshot is heard, and he falls down. Gail Matthius suddenly breaks out of character)

Matthius: Oh! OH MY GOD!! SOMEBODY SHOT CHARLIE ROCKET!!

(a massive commotion ensues among everyone but the audience – “Charlie Rocket’s been shot!” The cast rushes to his aid)

Risley: OH GOD! OH GOD, DON’T LET HIM DIE! I’M CARRYING HIS BABY!

Dillon: Somebody shot Charlie Rocket!!

Piscopo: Not me! I loved the guy like a brother! What can I tell ya?

Tilton: I LOVE HIM TOO! Oh Charlie, please don’t die! God …

Gottfried: OH MY GOD, HE’S BEEN SHOT! (the mayhem pauses as he turns to Tilton) So you wanna go out to brunch with me?

Tilton: Okay!

(resume the mayhem)

Dillon: Somebody’s lying! Somebody here did it! Who did it? I wanna know: WHO SHOT C.R.?

(they all look at the camera in shock as cliffhanger music plays and a caption zooms to the front: “WHO SHOT C.R.?”)

Submitted by: The G Man

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 11

80k: Charlene Tilton / Todd Rundgren, Prince

Goodnights

…..Charlene Tilton
…..cast of SNL

(everyone is gathered on stage. Charles Rocket, cigarette in mouth, sits in a wheelchair wearing a robe, with a white bandage on his left clavicle. Charlene holds a pink balloon.)

Charlene Tilton: Charlie, how are you feeling after you’ve been shot?

Charles Rocket: Aw man, it’s the first time I’ve ever been shot in my life. I’d like to know who the fuck did it.

(most of the cast reacts with excited shock)

Charlene Tilton: Okay! (lets out an excited scream, then kisses Charlie on the cheek. As the closing music plays, everyone waves goodbye, the audience applauds, and the credits start to roll.)

Don Pardo V/O: Saturday Night Live will be back in two weeks, when our host will be Bill Murray. This is Don Pardo saying, I’M the one who shot Charlie Rocket! I caught him fooling around with my wife, the lovely Mrs. Don Pardo. I used a Smith n’Wessun 32 which I purchased from the Spiegel catalogue, Chicago 60609. Good night.

(meanwhile on stage, Gilbert gets a big hug from Charlene. Looks like he got his wish.)

Submitted by: The G Man

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 11

80k: Charlene Tilton / Todd Rundgren, Prince

A Fiddler Be On The Roof

Teyve…..Eddie Murphy

[ open on silhouette of a fiddler on stage ]

Announcer: In the Broadway tradition of the all-Black “Hello Dolly” and “The Wiz”… Hal Prince presents Stevie Wonder as the immortal Teyve.

[ Stevie Wonder steps on to the stage dancing and singing traditional Jewish song ]

Announcer: Stevie Wonder IS… Teyve!

[ Stevie Wonder continues his performance ]

Announcer: Stevie Wonder IS Teyve in… “A Fiddler be on the Roof”! Call now for tickets.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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