Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 11

80k: Charlene Tilton / Todd Rundgren, Prince

Backstage Jealousy

…..Charlene Tilton
…..Charles Rocket
…..Joe Piscopo
…..Ann Risley
…..Gail Matthius

(After the monologue, Charlene runs off to the stage door, where Charles Rocket is waiting for her. He claps, and she gives him a big hug, giggling with excitement.)

Rocket: All right, Charlene!

Tilton: Charlie, how’d I do?

Rocket: You were great. Hey, listen, let’s go to your dressing room, I’ll make a few more notes, okay, give you a couple more ideas? All right.

Tilton: Okay!

(they both run by Joe Piscopo and Ann Risley. Piscopo sits down on the bench with Risley and tries to get affectionate with her by kissing her on the neck)

Risley: No, n-no, no, no, no, no-no more. No more.

Piscopo: Why? What’s wrong? (continues to kiss her)

Risley: What’s wrong? Joe, THIS is wrong! It’s – we just can’t keep on like this! I’m, I, I think we ought to end it.

Piscopo: Aw, come on, Annie …

Risley: No, rea- it’s, it’s over, Joe. It’s over. It’s just too selfish. I mean, we have to think about the show. Look, romance and work just don’t mix.

(she gets up and walks away, leaving Piscopo dejected)

Piscopo: Ann!

(Gail Matthius enters and sits down by Piscopo)

Matthius: Uh, Joe, anything wrong?

Piscopo: Ann doesn’t wanna see me anymore.

Matthius: Oh, why not?

Piscopo: She says romance and work don’t mix.

Matthius: Oh, that’s funny, ’cause I … I called Charlie’s apartment last night about a script, oh, it was about 2 or 3 in the morning and uh, Ann answered the phone.

Piscopo: Wait, wai-wai-wai-wait … she was at Charlie’s apartment?

Matthius: (rolls eyes) Joe, get WITH it! God! Hey, yeah, she’s been at Charlie’s apartment every night this week! I guess they … (suggestively) MUST have been working on a script or something.

(she gets up and walks away. The camera zooms in on Piscopo, revenge on his face)

Piscopo: I’ll get that Charlie Rocket if it’s the last thing I ever do.

(cliffhanger cue)

Submitted by: The G Man

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 11


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:



Special Guests:

Cameos:
February 21st, 1981

Charlene Tilton

Todd Rundgren

Prince

None

Don King

Marc Weiner
Rocko vs. WeindulahSummary: Joe Piscopo covers the sports scene as Rocko Weineretto (Marc Weiner) and Weindulah (Marc Weiner) prepare for tonight’s boxing match.

MontageNote: Larry Hagman was the first choice to host this episode, but producers had to settle on “Dallas” co-star Charlene Tilton when Hagman turned down the offer.

Charlene Tilton’s MonologueSummary: Charlene Tilton admits to being smitten with Charles Rocket because he’s the only member of the cast or crew who hasn’t tried to take advantage of her all week.

Transcript

Backstage JealousySummary: Joe Piscopo vows revenge when he finds out his girlfriend Ann Risley was with Charles Rocket last night.

Transcript

Greatest Records Of All TimeSummary: Spokesman (Gilbert Gottfried) pitches an album full of the most unlikely make-out music.

Mister Robinson’s NeighborhoodSummary: In the ghetto version of “Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood”, foul-mouthed Mr. Robinson (Eddie Murphy) receives a package from Mr. Speedy (Gilbert Gottfried).

Recurring Characters: Mr. Robinson.

Transcript

Pork ParadeSummary: Pre-parade jitters for the Pork Queen (Charlene Tilton) and her royal subjects.

The Rocket ReportSummary: Charles Rocket takes Charlene Tilton for her first ride on a New York subway.

A Fiddler Be On The RoofSummary: Stevie Wonder (Eddie Murphy) stars as Tevye.

Recurring Characters: Stevie Wonder.

Transcript

Todd Rundgren performs “Healer”

Weekend Update with Charles Rocket & Gail MatthiusSummary: To combat budget costs, David A. Stockman (Gilbert Gottfried) offers food stamps in exchange for catching criminals.

Transcript

Haunted Lincoln BedroomSummary: Nancy Reagan (Gail Matthius) makes Doria Reagan (Ann Risley) sleep in the haunted Lincoln Bedroom.

Recurring Characters: Nancy Reagan.

Transcript

Backstage RevengeSummary: Gilbert Gottfried and Charlene Tilton each vow revenge on Charles Rocket after learning he’s been cheating on them with other women.

Transcript

The CompetitionSummary: Rival piano players (Gail Matthius, Joe Piscopo) are so competitive that they break each other’s performance fingers.

Speaking OutSummary: Police officer Ruth Warren (Denny Dillon) speaks out on the subject of unauthorized use of handicap toilets.

Transcript

Women Behind BarsSummary: Fresh-faced woman inmate (Charlene Tilton) is given the treatment by her cellmates (Denny Dillon, Ann Risley, Yvonne Hudson) — a debate on the subject of the adequacy of the American public school system during the Industrial Revolution.

SNL SportsSummary: Puppets Weindulah (Marc Weiner) and Rocko Weineretto (Marc Weiner) box one another.

Submissive Sugar DaddiesSummary: Attractive girl (Charlene Tilton) promotes Submissive Sugar Daddies, pushovers like Ralph who’ll give up their money without expecting anything in return.

Todd Rundgren performs “Time Heals”

Mary Louise’s PartySummary: Denny Dillon performs as Mary Louise, a little who uses her sock puppet, Sam the Snake, to keep her birthday party in order.

After MidnightSummary: Vince Calypso (Charles Rocket) and Marilyn Sparks (Gail Matthius) arouse one another while bathing a dog. The sketch is interrupted when Charles Rocket is shot by an unseen assailant, bringing the night’s “Dallas” parody to a close with a cliffhanger.

Transcript

Prince performs “Party Up”Note: Prince uses the F-word in his song, but no one seemed to have noticed.

GoodnightsNote: Charles Rocket drops the night’s second F-bomb, a deliberate move which only further aggravated NBC’s dissatisfaction with Jean Doumanian’s role as Producer. Rocket, along with a few other cast members, would be fired shortly after the next live episode.

Transcript

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 10

80j: Deborah Harry / Funky 4 + 1 More

The Rocket Report

…..Charles Rocket

[ open on Central Park from above ]

Charles Rocket: Central Park. A veritable oasis in the heart of New York City. Acres and acres of places to have fun, and places to be the victim of a crime. Hi! Charles Rocket. We’re interested in Central Park – How Scary Is It? [ points below ] We went down there to find out..

[ dissolve to earlier film, two couples walking toward a tunnel as Rocket observes ]

A couple of nice young couples walking in Central Park. Everything could be alright, but they’re headed for one of those dangerous tunnels that everyone knows so much about. They don’t seem to be afraid, but it’s the tunnels that have been the hallmark of so much criminal activity. [ couples enter the tunnel, as Rocket moves closer to see ] Hope they’re okay.. sounds like everything’s still alright.. [ peeks in, notices a strange man at the end of the tunnel ] Uh-oh! There’s somebody coming! He got out of the way, but everything’s.. [ yells into the tunnel ] Everything was alright, then?! Everything is okay?! [ from the opposite side of the tunnel, the couples wave at Rocket ] Everything, apparently, is okay! A man came right as the young couple was just about to leave the tunnel, but apparently.. it’s no problem!

[ cut to a group of schoolkids in Central Park ]

Innocent schoolchildren. Are they safe? They may not be. [ camera pans out to reveal a man sitting on a park bench ] There’s a man.. sitting on a park bench.. right near by. If we could just find out what this guy’s up to.. then maybe we could avoid a potentially threatening situation. [ moves closer to the bench ] It’s okay.. he’s just asleep. So, apparently, there’s no danger now.. but there could be soon. Something you have to think about everytime you visit Central Park.

[ cut to Rocket running scared past some trees in Central Park ]

Quick! Behind a tree, or something! Because there’s.. somebody there.. [ looks back ] He’s definitely looking this way.. At least he’s far enough away now that the danger seems to have past, at least for the moment. [ looks again ] Oh no.. oh no! He’s circling up, toward the center.. he could be doubling back this way! It might be best for us to just head back where we came, and.. [ thinking quickly ] Back this way! [ runs down the path like the maniac, and slips on some wet grass, appearing embarrassed ] That’s the kind of thing that can happen when you get scared! Never panic in the park! Because a panicked person is a sure sign to a would-be criminal that there’s a potential victim! So I’ll just have to take this opportunity to collect myself, and then.. slowly.. continue on.. as though nothing at all has happened. Just as all everything were perfectly routine.. here, in Central Park. I’m Charles Rocket! Central Park, New York City. We’ll see you again some other time, and hopefully, under better and more safe circumstances.

[ Rocket walks off, as film ends ]

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 10

80j: Deborah Harry / Funky 4 + 1 More

Is Frank Sinatra A Hoodlum?

Ronald Reagan…..Charles Rocket
Frank Sinatra…..Joe Piscopo

Ronald Reagan: Good evening. I’m here tonight to talk to you aboutone of the most important questions that confronts the nation today: “IsFrank Sinatra a hoodlum?” Well, I think America deserves a straight answerto that straight question. Frank, are you a hoodlum?

Frank Sinatra: No, Ron, I am not.

Ronald Reagan: Do you associate with hoodlums?

Frank Sinatra: No, Ron, I am not.

Ronald Reagan: Do you know Manny Ayatello?

Frank Sinatra: Who?

Ronald Reagan: Manny the “Horse”?

Frank Sinatra: No.

Ronald Reagan: How about Louie?

Frank Sinatra: Who?

Ronald Reagan: Uh.. Louie the “Squid”.

Frank Sinatra: That is a negative.

Ronald Reagan: Do you know Carlos Granatelli?

Frank Sinatra: Oh, you mean “Fingers”?

Ronald Reagan: Yes.

Frank Sinatra: No.

Ronald Reagan: Well, there you have it. I hope that settle the issueonce and for all. No, Frank Sinatra is not a hoodlum. And, no, he doesn’tassociate with hoodlums. Uh, Frank.. is there anything else you’d like toadd?

Frank Sinatra: Ronnie, baby, would you do me a favor and pose in apicture with some of my buddies.

Ronald Reagan: Sure!

Frank Sinatra: Boys. [ a group of hoodlums stand arm-in-arm withFrank and Ronald – Frank snaps his fingers ] Do it.

Ronald Reagan: Uh.. Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 10

80j: Deborah Harry / Funky 4 + 1 More

Newsbreak II

…..Eddie Murphy

[ open on Eddie Murphy seated at news desk ]

Eddie Murphy: Hello, again. I’m Eddie Murphy, and this is “Newsbreak”.

More news on the Poland invasion. The Polish Army has made some progress, and the Russians still seem to be ignoring this threat from the north, apparently waiting for a Polish blunder. How is all this going to affect America, and how is America going to feel about this?

[ cut to unseen action reporter interviewing people on the street ]

Interviewer: We were wondering what you thought of Poland’s invasion of Russia.

Man #1: Who?

Interviewer: Poland’s invasion of Russia this evening.

Man #1: Tell me something I don’t know.

Man #2: When it happened, just now? [ he shrugs his shoulders ]

[ cut to Man #3 ]

Man #3: Hey! What you gonna do about it? I don’t know.

[ cut to Man #4 ]

Man #4: There’s not too many countries, now, that’ll stand up to Russia, and I think that Poland should definitely go for it! It’s gonna be hard and all, but it’ll show a sign throughout the world.

[ cut to Man #5 ]

Man #5: Polish invasion of Russia?

Interviewer: What do you think about that?

Man #5: Um… I thought they were gonna go into France.

[ return to Eddie Murphy at the news desk ]

Eddie Murphy: Some startling information has been uncovered by our “Weekend Update” team. These are the Pole Papers. [ he holds up a file folder ] A secret outline written in 1938 that lays out Poland’s plan for world dominance, which helps explain today’s dramatic events.

[ reveal close-up of paragraph highlighted ]

“September 1, 1939: We allow Germany to invade. PURPOSE: To elicit world sympathy.”

And another page:

[ reveal close-up of paragraph highlighted ]

“February 3, 1962: Allow Bobby Vinton to record, thereby securing world sympathy. Sympathy should be pouring in…” Now, it’s hard to believe.

[ reveal close-up of paragraph highlighted ]

“Secure a spy in the Vatican,” finally, and “Invade Russia.”

[ return to Eddie Murphy at the news desk ]

Eddie Murphy: Well, there you have it: The shocking proof. The Polish invasion of Russia is no playful whim, but a premeditated blueprint for world dominance. And so the spectral Polish world hangs over our heads like a spring-dripping kilbasa. This is unbelievable. THe Russian strategy of waiting and waiting — [ he looks down ] What is this? [ Eddie reads a bulletin handed to him below camera ] Oh, my God, it’s starting to pay off. The Russian strategy of waiting and waiting and wait and waiting has finally paid off. They’ve turned the wrong way, the Polish people. Inexplicably, they are heading toward the Arctic Circle. Uh — “Newsbreak” just acquired some dramatic photos of the beleagured Polish Army heading North. Could we see those photos, please?

[ cut to black-and-white photo of soldiers walking past snow-covered mountains along a path to icy Arctic waters ]

And there they are, obviously lost and very hungry.

[ cut to new black-and-photo, some of the soldiers now waist-deep in the cold Arctic waters ]

Looks like the threat is over, and it’s all over.

[ cut to new black-and-photo, only the soldiers’ helmets appear above the cold Arctic waters ]

Repeat: The Polish invasion of Russia is over.

[ return to Eddie Murphy at the news desk ]

Eddie Murphy: You know, plot or no plot, you’ve got to feel sorry for this plucky little army. They get an “A” for effort. So, once again, the world has gone to the brink of disaster, and kept its balance. This is Eddie Murphy. Sleep well, and God bless.

[ fade ]

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 10

80j: Deborah Harry / Funky 4 + 1 More

Newsbreak

…..Eddie Murphy

[ open on Eddie Murphy seated at news desk ]

Eddie Murphy: Good evening. I’m Eddie Murphy, and this is “Newsbreak”.

Jean Harris and her lawyer brought forth conclusive evidence that her former lover, Dr. Tarnauer, was indeed a compulsive womanizer. Pictured here are Mrs. Harris and her lawyer bringing in the doctor’s little black book.

This just in: Within the last hour-and-a-half, there have been no fires in hotels in Las Vegas.

Poland’s new Prime Minister, Wojciech Jaruzelski, whose name is Polish means “The Unpronounceable”, requested that his countrymen remain calm in the face of the massive Soviet build-up. Meanwhile earlier today, a Chicken Delight in Warsaw received a long-distance order from somewhere in Russia for 50,000 chicken dinners. The call requesting no delivery, saying that they would be by later to pick them up.

Eddie Murphy: That’s the news for now. Stay tuned later for a full report from “Weekend Update”. Thank you.

[ fade ]

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 10

80j: Deborah Harry / Funky 4 + 1 More

Deborah Harry’s Monologue

…..Deborah Harry
Cupid…..Eddie Murphy

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Deborah Harry!

Deborah Harry: Happy Valentine’s Day! Do you love Valentine’s Day like I do? I mean, don’t you just love it? That’s right — you should! Because this is the day we set aside for just ONE reason: [ wistfully ] love. I have so much love I want to share with you. I want to tell you how much I love my parents. I want you to meet my parents, because I brought them here with me tonight for Valentine’s Day.

[ reveal an older man and woman in the audience wearing Blondie wigs and waving ]

Deborah Harry: Happy Valentine’s Day! Yeah, don’t you just love them! And I love you, too, and I brought a special valentine just for you.

[ suddenly, Cupid prances down the spiral staircase toward Deborah Harry ]

Deborah Harry: Here he is — my special valentine! Don’t you just love him?

Cupid: They love me.

Voice of Audience Member: Hey, Blondie! Hey, Blondie, over here!

Deborah Harry: Alright.

[ Cupid raises his bow and fires a heart arrow into the balcony ]

[ reveal male audience member falling over himself, with the arrow piercing his chest ]

Deborah Harry: We’ll be back in just a minute!

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 10

80j: Deborah Harry / Funky 4 + 1 More

The Livelys at Home

Phil Lively…..Charles Rocket
Frances Lively…..Gail Matthius
Voice of Dad…..Don Pardo
Beverly Long…..Ann Risley

[ Game show host Phil Lively enters his suburban home, where everyone talks Game-Show-style ]

Phil Lively: Oh, it’s going to be a great day today! Pretty soon, a nursing home expert will be here, to help us decided whether or not to send Dad off to the Home for the Aged. Honey, I’m back inside.. so whattaya say!

Frances Lively: [ runs into room screaming jubilantly, then breaks into a whimper ]

Phil Lively: Something’s wrong, isn’t it?

Frances Lively: That’s right, Phil. You know: I love your father very much. But taking care of the elderly can be a full-time job..

Voice of Dad: [ yelling from upstairs ] Frances!

Frances Lively: Yeah, Dad?

Voice of Dad: Bring me another TV Dinner! And leave the mashed potatoes frozen this time!

Frances Lively: Okay, Dad.. [ she starts to walk up the stairs, but the doorbell rings ]

Phil Lively: [ changing subject ] Well, I’m afraid that’s all the time we have for Dad’s potatoes. Instead, we’re going to have to answer the door and ask our guest to come on inside.

Frances Lively: [ answers door ] Welcome! [ to Phil ] Phil, I’d like you to meet Beverly Long, from the Pleasant Valley Home for the Aged!

Phil Lively: [ making introductions ] I’m Phil Lively, as you know. And this is my lovely, and talented, wife, Frances. Okay! You’ve never been to our house before, so why don’t you come inside, and tell us a little bit about what you do, and where you work!

Beverly Long: Well, I work at Pleasant Valley, as your wife mentioned. And we take care of old people.

Phil Lively: Well, as you know, Beverly Long, we take care of an old person, right here in our own home! But, we realize we can’t always give Dad the kind of understanding and attention he deserves.

Voice of Dad: Somebody get my fork! I dropped my fork!

Phil Lively: An-n-n-nd we’ll have that fork for you in just a minute, Dad. But first, let us finish talking to our nursing home expert! Frances?

Frances Lively: Thank you, Phil! Back to you, Beverly!

Beverly Long: [ flustered ] Uh.. well.. at Pleasant Valley, taking care of invalids is our..

Phil Lively: You know: it’s so hard to think of Dad as an invalid! Why, he got his first job in radio at the age of 12. And.. without the benefit of an education, became the most respected booth operator in the business! And.. went on to host game shows fifteen years past the age of retirement!

Beverly Long: Well, try to think of your father’s stay at Pleasant Valley as a reward for all his hard work..

Voice of Dad: Frances, I’m thirsty! Where’s my milk?! I like milk with my meals!

Beverly Long: But, you see, old people enjoy being with other old people. It’s not that expensive.. and it would take care of the burdon on you, and we can provide a nice home for your father.

Frances Lively: But he already has a home.

Phil Lively: Yes, it’s a beautiful 4-bedroom split-level Mediterranean villa, complete with hardwood floors and a brick facade. Yes, it’s beautifully appointed with contemporary art, spacious bay windows, and durable carpeting! Everything anyone could possibly need, young or old! But! If you can give us one good reason, Beverly Long, why we shouldn’t keep Dad here with us, we’ll be happy to turn him over to you!

[ Frances hums the “Jeopardy” theme as Beverly struggles for an answer ]

Beverly Long: Well.. uh.. I don’t know, I..

[ Frances sounds the Time Over buzzer ]

Phil Lively: Oh-h-h-h!! I’m terribly sorry! But! Had you been able to come up with an answer, we would have been happy to sign all the necessary papers today! [ pushing Beverly out ] But, instead, we’re going to have to say goodbye to you, Beverly Long, and ask you not to come back and ever try again, okay? Bye bye!

[ Phil and Frances see their guest off as they absorb the joy of being a Game Show family ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 10

80j: Deborah Harry / Funky 4 + 1 More

Soho Lesbians

Liz…..Gail Matthius
Susan…..Deborah Harry
Pinky Waxman…..Denny Dillon
Leo Waxman…..Gilbert Gottfried

[ open on interior, Soho apartment – Susan lying on a leather couch inliving room, as Liz enters from kitchen ]

Liz: Boy, that was someparty last night..

Susan: Yeah..

Liz: What time did we get home?

Susan: I don’t know.. I guess around 1:30. But we didn’t get to sleepuntil after 3. [ pause ] I love you.

Liz: I love you, too. Hey, did you see Karen with Marcie last night?

Susan: Yeah! They were getting it on!

Liz: I never thought she would be Karen’s type.

[ the doorbell rings ]

Susan: Who’s that?

Liz: I don’t know, but why don’t you get it. I’m gonna put someclothes on.

[ Liz exits to bedroom, as Susan gets up to answer the door ]

Pinky Waxman: Susan! Darling!

Leo Waxman: How do you do?

Susan: Aunt Pinky! Uncle Leo! [ shows them in ] What bringsyou to Soho?

Pinky Waxman: Well, the Sunday Times said “If you want to be hip – Soho!”
Leo Waxman: We decided to be beatniks!

Pinky Waxman: It’s like a carnival down here. Who knew?

Susan: Well, sit down, please.

Pinky Waxman: I hope we didn’t get you too much by surprise! You probably have a man hiding in the other room!

[ Liz walks out out of the other room, freshly dressed ]

Liz: Hi!

Susan: Oh, uh.. Aunt Pinky, Uncle Leo – this is Liz.

Leo Waxman: [ shakes Liz’s hand ] Hello, my name is Leo.

Liz: Hi, nice to meet you.

Pinky Waxman: I’m Pinky Waxman, nice to meet you. This is my husband Leo.

Leo Waxman: We’ve met.

Pinky Waxman: Oh. We were just telling Susan, boy this Soho is some place! We were standing right by the place where Jill Clayburgh threw up in.. what was the name of that movie?

Leo Waxman: “An Unmarried Woman”! It was so exciting!

Liz: Well, sit down.

Leo Waxman: Why, certainly.. [ Leo and Pinky sit on the hard couch ] We’re sitting on a table! This Soho is some place! [ Pinky laughs ]

Susan: Here, have something to eat. [ pulls a food tray off of the table behind the couch ]

Leo Waxman: What, raisins and nuts? What are you feeding, a hamster? [ Pinky laughs ]

Pinky Waxman: Susan’s always been fond of exotic foods. We used to call her “Miss Beansprout”! [ Leo laughs ] So, Liz, do you live around here?

Liz: Yeah, I live here.

Pinky Waxman: Oh, in the same building?

Liz: In the same room.

Leo Waxman: Roommates! Oh, my goodness!

Pinky Waxman: Oh, what with the rent these days!

Susan: [ stuttering ] Uh.. Aunt Pinky.. Uncle Leo.. there’s something I.. you sohuld know.. Liz and I.. well..

Pinky Waxman: [ interrupting ] Oh! Susan, you wouldn’t recognize your cousin Jewel! You know, she’s had a nose job since you saw her last?

Susan: Another one?

Pinky Waxman: [ nodding ] Oh, yeah. Her nose is so small now, you can hardly see it!

Leo Waxman: Pretty soon she won’t have a nose, and then she’ll be happy!

Pinky Waxman: [ laughing ] Just a couple of holes for the smoke to come through!

Liz: How about if I open some wine?

Pinky Waxman: Oh, yes, that would be nice. Leo. [ nudges him up to help ]

Leo Waxman: Oh, uh.. let me help you. [ gets up and walks with Liz to the kitchen ]

Pinky Waxman: Leo, put a little spritzer in mine – not too strong.

Leo Waxman: Sure..

Pinky Waxman: [ eager to be alone with Susan ] So, uh.. you see,Susan? It’s nice to have a man around the house.

Susan: Oh, I’m sure it is. Aunt Pinky, do you like Liz?

Pinky Waxman: Oh, sure. She’s very nice. But, uh.. Susan, tellme, do you go out mcuh?

Susan: Oh, sure! Liz and I go lots of places.

Pinky Waxman: No, no.. I mean, you know, are you seeing osmespecial guy?

Susan: No.

Pinky Waxman: Oh. Well, uh.. truthfully, Susan, that’s kind of why Leo and I stopped by. Your cousin Sidney has a friend who’s a lawyer – very handsome boy, comes from a lot of money.

Susan: Oh, that’s very sweet of you..

Pinky Waxman: And we were thinking of having him over for dinnerSaturday night. Maybe you could join us?

Susan: Oh, sure! Could I bring Liz?

Pinky Waxman: [ not catching on ] Oh.. well, sure.. we could get a boyfriend for Liz, too..

Susan: Oh.. well.. uh.. Aunt Pinky.. Liz and I, we don’t need any boyfriends. We have each other.

[ Pinky doesn’t know what to say, as Leo and Liz return to the room laughing ]

Leo Waxman: Well, as they say in Soho – “Here comes the Vino!”

Liz: Everyone take a glass!

Leo Waxman: Boy! What a lucky guy I am, I’m surrounded by threebeautiful girls!

Liz: Well, how about a toast?

Pinky Waxman: To Susan and Liz.

Leo Waxman: Well.. as Maurice Chevalier said, “Thank heaven forlittle girls, they grow up in the most delightful way!”

[ the four of them toast their glasses, as the camera pans off the set and into the audience to fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 10

80j: Deborah Harry / Funky 4 + 1 More

Jersey Guy Paulie Herman

Paulie Herman…..Joe Piscopo
Phyllis Carroll…..Deborah Harry
Photographer…..Matthew Laurance

[ open on interior, Valentine’s boutique – Jersey Guy Paulie Herman enters ]

Paulie Herman: Wow! Look at all the cards here! They got cards for everything! Birthday.. graduation.. ah, here’s a nice one.. [ grabs card ] ..let’s see what it says here.. [ reads ] “Had I known, I would have called.. but I just found out, you’re going bald.” [ laughs his maniacal Jersey laugh ] What’s this one say here, uh.. [ reads ] “The earth, the wind, the sun, the moon. Together, we are us.” Brilliant. [ approaches woman ] Um.. excuse me, Miss? Could you help me?

Phyllis Carroll: Oh, sure!

Paulie Herman: Hey.. can I ask you something? Where you from?

Phyllis Carroll: I’m from Jersey! [ she laughs the same maniacal Jersey laugh as Paulie always does ] Are you from Jersey?

Paulie Herman: [ surprised ] Wooooww! Yeah! Yeah! I’m from Jersey! [ laughs ] And you’re from Jersey! [ laughs ] I’m from Jersey! [ laughs ] Paulie Herman!

Phyllis Carroll: Phyllis Carroll.

Paulie Herman: Hello, Phyllis, great to meet you! do you work here?

Phyllis Carroll: Oh, no.. I work in a chemical plant.

Paulie Herman: No kidding?!

Phyllis Carroll: Yeah!

Paulie Herman: Which one?

Phyllis Carroll: United Chemical, Matahorn Plant.

Paulie Herman: Oh, I can’t believe it! I work at United in Briskataway! Hey, did you have that big radiation scare at the plant cafeteria last month?

Phyllis Carroll: Yeah!

Paulie Herman: We did, too! The baloney glowed for a week! [ laughs ] Yeah, but I ate it anyway! [ laughs ] I imagine a pretty girl like yourself gets a lot of Valentine’s Day cards, huh?

Phyllis Carroll: Oh, you’d be surprised. Aren’t you sending a lot of cards?

Paulie Herman: Oh, maybe just one or two.. Hey! Phyllis, maybe you can help me pick out one, huh?

Phyllis Carroll: Oh, I’d love to!

Paulie Herman: Oh, boy!

Phyllis Carroll: [ grabs card ] Oh, here’s a nice one.

Paulie Herman: [ reads ] “I love you! I want you! I need you!”

Phyllis Carroll: Who’s it for?

Paulie Herman: My Uncle Bennie. [ shakes head ] Nah.. I don’t think so..

Phyllis Carroll: Oh, I got an idea!

Paulie Herman: What?

Phyllis Carroll: You can have your picture taken over there for five dollars, and you can send that to your Uncle Bennie!

Paulie Herman: Oh, great idea! [ suave ] Would you so honor this fellow Jerseyite, and appear in this photograph with me?

Phyllis Carroll: Oh, it would be my pleasure!

Paulie Herman: Right this way, madam! [ walks over to the photorapher ] Hi! We’d like our picture taken, please!

Photographer: Sure, sure. Sit down.

Paulie Herman: [ sits ] Thank you very much!

Photographer: You’re welcome. [ preps his camera ] Okay. Husband and wife, right?

Paulie & Phyllis: [ laughing ] No!

Photographer: Brother and sister, right?

Paulie & Phyllis: [ laughing ] Naw!

Photographer: Well.. then what are you?

Paulie & Phyllis: We’re from Jersey!! [ laugh ]

[ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts