Don Pardo V/O: Join us NEXT week on “Saturday Night Live”, when our host will be Charlene Tilton from “Dallas”, with special musical guest Todd Rundgren. This is Don Pardo wishing you a happy Valentine’s Day, and reminding you there are only eight days to MY birthday! Remember: Send those cards and presents to ME, care of this network. Please: No more toasters!
[ camera enters front door to slow zoom to refrigerator ]
Announcer: You’re back from vacation. A month in the sun was fun.But now, you’re hungry. You’re thinking of having just a little somethingbefore bed – something light. [ refrigerator door opens to a pile ofdisgusting leftovers ] Maybe some cottage cheese!
[ quick zoom upward to Housewife screaming ]
Announcer: “Don’t Look In The Refrigerator!” The terrifying journeyinto the world of leftovers! “Don’t Look In The Refrigerator!” Coming toa theater near you.
[ open on Sister seated on a rustic front porch, as Father exits from the screen door sipping from a can of beer ]
Sister: Wherrre’s Cooter?
[ Father sits on the wooden steps next to Mama ]
Father: Where the hell is Cooter, anyhow?
Mama: [ peeling a potato ] Cooter? I ain’t seen him for about an hour!
Father: He’s bin gone an hour?
Mama: Cooter?
Father: Cooter! He bin gone an hour? Well, he shoulda bin back about a half-hour ago!
Mama: Well, then, he’s a half-hour late!
Father: Well, what time did he leave?
Mama: [ thinking ] Well, now… what time is it now?
Father: [ glancing upward ] Well, I reckon by figurin’ from the sun, it oughta be about four o’clock in the afternoon!
Mama: Four already. Shoot! Cooter, he went at THREE!
Father: Then he’s bin gone about an HOUR!
[ Mama nods her head ]
Sister: Wherrrre’s Cooter?
Father: That’s what we bin tryin’ to find OUT!
Mama: He said… he was goin’! [ to Father ] ‘Sides, he’s your son.
Father: Well, SHOOT! You married ‘im! ‘Sides, he’s your brother!
Mama: [ confused ] I thought he was YOUR brother?!
Father: Well, who can keep track any more? Anyway, if he’s bin gone an hour, that’s an awful long time for him to be gone so long!
[ suddenly, Cooter creeps slowly up the path beside the porch ]
Father: Well, here he is now, and none too soon! Where the hell you BIN, boy?!
[ Cooter sips on a tree stump ]
Cooter: Nothin’. I ain’t bin doin’ nothin’.
Mama: Where you bin, Cooter?!
Cooter: Nothin’. I ain’t bin doin’ nothin’.
Sister: Wherrrrre’s Cooter?
Mama: He’s back! He’s back now, Sis!
Father: Yeah, he’s BACK… but he ain’t BIN nowhere, and he ain’t bin doin’ NOTHIN’!
Cooter: Well, STOP accusin’ me, ’cause… I ain’t bin nowhere, and I ain’t bin doin’ nothin’!
Father: Son, that’s what I bin accusin’ you of, is doin’ NOTHIN’! But I know what you SHOULD be doin’! You SHOULD be around back workin’ on that DODGE, instead of hoverin’ around here doin’ NOTHIN’!
Mama: Yeeeah! You should be hoverin’ around that DIESEL!
Father: Ya oughtta be back there workin’ on that DODGE!
Cooter: Yeah, well, I oughtta be around the back, workin’ on that Dodge!
Father: [ shaking his head ] Well, that’s a good i-dea! Cooter, why don’t ya’ just go out on BACK there?!
Cooter: I got a good mind to go back there, and work on that Dodge! I just may do that! I may leave the three of you here, and go around the back and work on that Dodge.
Father: Well, I’ll tell you one thing, Boy: You just better DON’T!
Cooter: Well, I ain’t goin’ to!
Mama: Well, that car’s just sittin’ there, WAITIN’ to be MASHED!
[ suddenly, Raylene runs into the yard, slapping the porch with a flyswatter ]
Raylene: Mama?! Mama?!
Father: Herrre’s Raylene.
Raylene: Mama?! On the road! Dust! A stranger’s comin’! Mama?!
[ Raylene runs up the porch and slap the door with her flyswatter ]
Mama: Ohhh, she’s up to that slappin’ thing again!
[ Raylene crashes at Mama’s side ]
Raylene: I’m tired, Mama! I’m tired of slappin’!
Father: Then, why don’t you just QUIT your damn slappin’, girl?!
[ Raylene bunches her dress around her arm and makes a crying sound emit from it ]
Mama: [ to Father ] Now, see what you done? You made the BABY cry!
Father: Well, I shoulda figured!
Raylene: Mama?! My baby’s cryin’! Mmmmama! [ she continues crying into her arm ]
Mama: Now, that’s alright, little thing, it’s gonna be alright! The baby’s gonna be alright!
Raylene: Mama?! Now they’re BOTH cryin’!
[ Raylene begins crying into both of her arms ]
Mama: Ohhh, now it’s just gonna be alright. The babies are gonna be alright, Raylene!
Sister: Babies… bugs… build me a coffin! [ she leans back in her chair ] Wherrrrre’s Cooter?
Father: Well, he ain’t around back workin’ on that DODGE!! [ he kicks Cooter on the side ]
Cooter: Well… stop accusin’ me. I ain’t doin’ NOTHIN’!
[ suddenly, a literary agent enters the yard ]
Agent: Uh — excuse me, folks! I’ve got some good news for you! I’m from the Tennessee Williams Authority — you’ve just qualified to be a one-act play!
[ the family stares at him dumbfoundedly ]
Agent: THOUSANDS of people all over the WORLD are gonna see you! And the author himself has asked me to invite you for cocktails at breakfast, at his studio in New York! Well? Waht do you say? Huh? Yes or no?
Father: Welllll, uhh… I guess it…
Mama: Well, now, I don’t see no harm…
Agent: Well, that means YES, then! Yes, it is! [ he calls out to a crowd behind him ] Come on in! Come on in, that’s it!
[ an audience wanders into the yard and places down their folding chairs ]
Agent: [ as he passes out playbills ] That’s it! Now — there’ll be no smoking in the first two rows, and, uh, there’ll be a brief intermission, and sangria and coffee will be served after the show! Okay? Please enjoy the show!
[ the agent exits the yard, as the family stares into space before picking up where they left off ]
Mama: Cooter? Cooter! Why don’t you go somewhere and kill an hour?
Father: Ohhh, yes sir, why don’t you just go on around back there and fix up that DODGE! [ he kicks Cooter in the hind quarters ]
Cooter: I might do that. I might go around the back.
Sister: Where’s Cooter?
[ Raylene cries into her shoulder, as the audience applauds this first act ]
[ camera pulls back, with SUPER: “Coming Up: Braille Peep Show” ]
Big Brother…..Gilbert Gottfried Michelle Richards…..Deborah Harry
[ open on close-up of TV screen buzzing, as sunrise imagery appears ]
Female TV V/O: Time to wake up! It’s 8:10 a.m., Monday, September 27th. 1984. Your name is Michelle Richards, Social Security Number 505-140-9709, and now for the morning morale.
[ Michelle stretches and rises out of bed ]
Male TV V/O: I feel good. I feel good contributing to the well-being of our industrial index. Bless Big Brother and our powerful nation.
Female TV V/O: And now for… Big Brother!
[ Big Brother’s image wipes onto the screen ]
Big Brother: Hello, Michelle Richards. You work for North American International.
Michelle Richards: [ enthusiastically ] Yes, Big Brother!
Big Brother: Your position there is Security.
Michelle Richards: Yes, Big Brother!
Big Brother: You are still employed by that corporation.
Michelle Richards: Yes, Big Brother!
Big Brother: Recite the National Motto.
Michelle Richards: [ collecting her thoughts ] “Discipline is POWER! Government control is FREEDOM!”
Big Brother: Are you in sound body and work-ready?
Michelle Richards: Yes, Big Brother!
Big Brother: You may begin the assigned work day.
Michelle Richards: Yes, Big Brother!
Big Brother: Miss Richards?
Michelle Richards: Yes, Big Brother!
Big Brother: May I call you “Michelle”?
Michelle Richards: Yes, Big Brother!
Big Brother: [ meekly ] Um… Michelle? I-I know I’m Big Brother and everything… but… I-I was wondering if you’d like to go out and have dinner with me sometime.
Michelle Richards: [ taken aback ] Oh… I-I-I don’t know what to say. Big Brother asking me to go out for dinner?
Big Brother: I-i-i-if you don’t want to, I understand. But, you know, I… well, I-I like you and everything, and I know every day when I address you at the morning registration that I sound very harsh. And I don’t mean to, because I-I-I’m a nice guy.
Michelle Richards: Uh, this is so strange, I — I — I, uh, I’m just a common worker. Um… I don’t know what to say. Uhhh… you should have told me this before.
Big Brother: Well, I-I-I meant to, but… I don’t know, I… I thought you were gonna turn me down.
Michelle Richards: So what if I turned you down?
Big Brother: Well, you know, then I’d have to address you every day on the screen, and I’d feel like a shlep.
Michelle Richards: Well, I don’t know. I think you’re kind of cute!
Big Brother: You’re just saying that.
Michelle Richards: No, no, really! Uh, but… but… Big Brother, uhhh…
Big Brother: You can call me “Melvin”.
Michelle Richards: Well, Melvin… I-I-I din’t know if I really want to get into a relationship right now. Every guy I’ve been going out with recently, I don’t know if it’s a coincidence or something, but they’ve been taken away by the government to be reprogrammed.
Big Brother: [ nervously ] Yeah… I-I-I know that, Michelle.
Michelle Richards: [ naively ] What do you mean, you know?
Big Brother: Well, Michelle, I… I ordered them reprogrammed.
Michelle Richards: You ordered them reprogrammed? Why?
Big Brother: You know. Every week, I’d see you come home with another guy, and I-I’d be watching the two of you —
Michelle Richards: You were watching?!
Big Brother: Well, it’s all part of the Big Brother set-up. You know, I-I’m all perched up here —
Michelle Richards: You mean, you were watching when I’m here with no clothes on?
Big Brother: Yeah, but it’s not what you think. Y-you see… I like you. And I would love to be with you. And… I don’t know… I-I thought if I could get those other guys out of the way, then… maybe I’d build up enough courage to ask you out.
Michelle Richards: We-e-e-ell… I think that’s just beautiful.
Big Brother: Well, but… I mean… Michelle. Will — is it okay? Will you go out with me?
Michelle Richards: Well, yes — yes, Melvin, I will. Uh… [ Big Brother becomes stone-faced ] Melvin? Melvin! Yes! I said yes, I will.
Big Brother: [ fuming ] I don’t want you now, you’re too easy.
Michelle Richards: [ outraged ] Wha-a-a-a-at??!
Big Brother: You’re TOO easy! You’re going to have to be reprogrammed!
[ agents burst through Michelle’s door and drag her away ]
Michelle Richards: Oh, Melvin! Oh! Oh, Melvin! Give a girl a chance, Melvin…!
[ camera pans upward into audience and stops on man, with SUPER: “Survived St. Valentine’s Day Massacre” ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 6: Episode 10 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos: Bit Players: February 14th, 1981 Deborah Harry Funky 4 + 1 More None Marc Weiner Chris Stein Clem Burke Andy Murphy Is Frank Sinatra a Hoodlum?Summary: President Ronald Reagan (Charles Rocket) discusses the issue with Frank Sinatra (Joe Piscopo). Recurring Characters: Ronald Reagan, Frank Sinatra. Transcript
Montage
Deborah Harry’s MonologueSummary: Deborah Harry acknowledges her similar-coifed parents in the audience; Cupid (Eddie Murphy) fires his arrow. Transcript
“Don’t Look In The Refrigerator”Summary: Expired leftovers are the makings of a new horror movie. Transcript
The LivelysSummary: Phil Lively (Charles Rocket) ponders putting his retired game shos emcee father (Don Pardo) in a retirement home. Recurring Characters: Phil Lively, Francis Lively. Transcript
NewsbreakSummary: Eddie Murphy reports on a variety of news topics, including Jean Harris, the fires in Las Vegas, and Poland’s attack on Russia. Transcript
Where’s Cooter?Summary: Cooter (Gilbert Gottfried) and his family win accolades as a real-life one-act play, according to the Tennessee Williams Authority. Transcript
The Rocket ReportSummary: Charles Rocket cautiously ventures into the unknown to determine how scary Central Park is. Transcript
Paulie Herman at Card CornerSummary: Jersey Guy Paulie Herman (Joe Piscopo) looks for the perfect Valentine’s card to send to his relatives. Recurring Characters: Paulie Herman. Transcript
Deborah Harry performs “Love TKO”
Weekend Update with Charles Rocket & Gail MatthiusSummary: Staunch conservative and Reagan philosopher Atkinson Peabody III (Gilbert Gottfried) explains how various welfare handouts to the homeless cancels out the idea of poor people living in America. The ambassador of Poland (Andy Murphy) expresses glee in his country’s sudden invasion of Russia. Sports reporter Joe Piscopo interviews boxing hand puppet Weindulah (Marc Weiner), who also raps.
Big BrotherSummary: Big Brother (Gilbert Gottfried) keeps a watchful yet shy eye on Michelle Richards (Deborah Harry), whom he wants to ask out. Transcript
“Sweet Hearts”Summary: In a film by Leon Ichaso, laundry thieves (Matthew Laurance, Ann Risley) rob women’s undergarments from a laundromat, turn against one another while partying at their hideout.
Soho LesbiansSummary: Upon visiting their neice Susan (Deboah Harry) in Soho, Pinky (Denny Dillon) and Leo Waxman (Gilbert Gottfried) are surprised to learn her true sexual orientaton. Recurring Characters: Pinky Waxman, Leo Waxman. Transcript
Deborah Harry performs “Come Back Jonee”Note: Former Blondie members Chris Stein and Clem Burke join Deborah Harry’s performance.
NewsbreakSummary: Eddie Murphy delivers more information on Poland’s attack strategy against Russia. Transcript
King Kong SyndromeSummary: Faye’s (Deborah Harry) date echoes the final scene of “King Kong.”
Valley GirlsSummary: Valley girls Vickie (Gail Matthius) and Debbie (Denny Dillon) run into Tina (Deborah Harry), who dropped out of high school. Recurring Characters: Vickie, Debbie.
Judge…..Joe Piscopo Bailiff…..Matthew Laurance Jose Gomez…..Gilbert Gottfried …..Jim Fowler Jury Foreman…..Patrick Weathers
Announcer: [ over SCROLL ] “Recently the Supreme Court ruled that states are free to permit the televising of criminal trials. The following is a trial in Small Claims court…”
[ dissolve to close-up of a black-and-white television, as a televised trial airs ]
Judge: [ banging gavel ] Court is in order! Bailiff, what is tonight’s case?
Bailiff: Well, tonight we have a young man who claims he bit into a ball bearing while eating a meatball hero outside of DaMassa’s Italian restaurant.
Judge: Ah-ha. Well, could you call the first witness, please!
Bailiff: Uh, yes — would Jose Gomez please take the stand?
Jose Gomez: [ standing ] With pleasure, Your Honor!
Judge: Mr. Gomez, why don’t you tell the ladies and gentlemen of the jury what happened to you when you ate at DaMassa’s Italian Restaurant a couple of weeks ago?
Jose Gomez: Not only will I tell you what happened… but I have brought a witness with me, too — the waiter who served me that very night! [ he holds up his painted hand ] Were you the waiter that night? [ in his Senor Wences voice ] Yes, I was! [ in his normal voice ] Okay! You are going to tell then EXACTLY what happened! Waiter… do you serve crabs here? [ in his Senor Wences voice ] We serve anybody here!
[ the Judge gavels a rim shot ]
Jose Gomez: Seriously, Waiter — I would like a meatball hero. He brings me the meatball hero, I bite in, what do I find? [ in his Senor Wences voice ] A ball bearing! [ in his normal voice ] A ball bearing? It MUST be an accident! [ in his Senor Wences voice ] It was NO accident! We did it ON PURPOSE! [ in his normal voice ] But, please! I am going without complaining! [ in his Senor Wences voice ] NO! You should SUE us! [ in his normal voice ] I will NOT do it! [ in his Senor Wences voice ] Sue us for $50,000!
Judge: Well, thank you very much, Jose. Uh, that is quite an interesting story, I must say. Uh, we have — we just have another witness that’s just DYING to come out. Bailiff, uh, could you introduce him, please?
Bailiff: I sure can, Your Honor!
Judge: Thank you.
Bailiff: Our next witness is an expert on wildlife, as a result of his MANY years on Mutual of Omaha’s “Wild Kingdom”. Would JIM FOWLER please take the stand?
[ the courtroom applauds Jim Fowler’s entrance, as Jose Gomez moves one witness seat over ]
Judge: Well, well, Jim — what interesting creature did you bring for us today?
Jim Fowler: This little fellow’s an alligator.
Judge: Ohhh! And where are most alligators found?
Jim Fowler: Well, 80% of ’em are found in the swamps of Florida, and 20% are found in the sewers of New York City.
Judge: Is that where you found this one, Jim?
Jim Fowler: I found this one in an alley behind DeMassa’s Italian Restaurant.
Judge: Ah. And what was it doing there?
Jim Fowler: It was eating ball bearings.
Judge: Ah-ha. Well, thank you very much, Jim Fowler. All the evidence is in. Has the jury reached its verdict?
Jury Foreman: Uh, yes, we have. [ he stands ] We don’t find Mr. Gomez’s claim valid. [ he smiles for the cameras ]
Judge: [ surprised ] oh. Well, thank you very much. Mr. Gomez, do you have anything to say?
Jose Gomez: Yes! You may all hear me appealing this case at the New York State of appeals on February 28th!
[ the camera pans over to Jim Fowler ]
Jim Fowler: I’ll be at the Bird Sanctuary at St. Louis, this Tuesday.
Judge: Well, thank you for coming! Court IS adjourned! Stay tuned for “One Live to Live”, with Jean Harris. Good night.
[ credits scroll:
“Produced by Warren Burger
Directed by Potter Stewart
Techinical Consultants: Thurgood Marahall, William Brennan, Byron White
President Ronald Reagan…..Charles Rocket Nancy Reagan…..Gail Matthius Guests…..Andy Murphy, Terry Sweeney
Announcer: [ over slide ] “The Battle of the World Superpowers” will be delayed tonight, so that we may bring you this message from the President of the United States.
[ dissolve to President Ronald Reagan seated in the Oval Office ]
President Ronald Reagan: Hello! I’m speaking to you tonight about the state of our economy. I regret to say that it’s in the worst shape since the Great Depression. It’s a complex problem, so I’m going to explan it to you very simply — just like they explained it to me. Now, here’s what a $500 bill was in 1960. [ he holds up a $500 bill ] Today, the same $500 bill is worth… [ he rips it in half ] on-ehalf that much, because of government waste. Who can figure it? To help, I’ve drawn some simple charts.
[ cut to crude chart drawing ]
Here, you see how Government Spending is running ahead of Government Revenues. And you know what that means:
[ cut to crude drawing of Mr. Taxpayer cursing his bills ]
Poor old Mr. Taxpayer is sweating it out. Now… here’s another chart I’e prepared:
[ cut to crude drawing of optical illusion of two lines labeled “One Line” and “Another Line” ]
It’s hard to believe, but the two lines are of equal length. It’s an optical illusion! But… back to serious stuff. Here’s another chart:
[ cut to crude drawing of two angled lines labeled “Life Expectancy” and “My Age”, marked “70” and “My birthday yesterday” at their intersection ]
The bottom line is popular life expectancy. The top line is my age. As you see, those two lines met yesterday, on my 70th birthday.
[ return to Reagan at his desk, as Nancy and other guests swarm him with a cake ]
Guests: SURPRIIIIISE!!!!
President Ronald Reagan: Oh… what an unexpected surprise!
[ Reagan blows out the candle, which causes him to pass out headfirst on the cake ]
[ he looks up from the cake and faces the camera, his face covered in frosting ]
President Ronald Reagan: “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”
Wife: I don’t understand it. I mean, we’ve talked about this before. I thought we had come to an agreement, and yet you still persist.
Husband: I thought he needed to get out.
Wife: FIVE times a day?! You need to take the dog out FIVE times a day?
Husband: When you have a dog, you have to take them for walks.
Wife: The, wha — well, you never pay that much attention to me.
Husband: Well… we walk. The dog doesn’t mind when you come along.
Wife: Well — it’s not just the walking. I mean, the whole thing! I mean, I look in the closet, and I see FIVE coats for the dog!
Husband: It’s Winter.
Wife: Wha — this is too much! I mean, this is just too mich! I mean, I wouldn’t mind it if it was a REAL dog! [ she picks up a pillow with a cat’s face stitched into it ] But, THIS!
Husband: That’s not the dog. That’s the cat.
Wife: Oh, okay! [ she grabs the dog pillow ] THIS one! The DOG, the CAT! What difference does it make?!
Husband: It makes a very big difference — I don’t like the cat. If you want the cat, you have the cat.
Wife: [ exasperated ] No, I don’t want the cat, I don’t want the dog!
Husband: Why’d you marry me for?
Wife: Well — it’s just that I thought any man who could show THAT much love for these would have a lot of love to give me.
Husband: Well, you were wrong. And don’t hold them so close– they start to fight.
Wife: Oh! That would bother you if they start to fight? Oh!
[ she makes the pillows fight with one another, as her husband screams in pain ]
Husband: I HATE IT WHEN THEY FIGHT!! STOP IT!!!
Wife: [ she throws the pillows down ] Alright, THAT’S it! I’m going to my mother’s!
[ she frantically packs an overnight bag from the closet ]
Husband: Does — does this mean you’re not coming back?
Wife: I don’t know.
Husband: Well, if you decide to come back… can you bring some dog food? [ he swats the cat ] Nothing for you.
Wife: Look — what am I supposed to tell my mother? That I lost you to soem stuffed thing?
Husband: Nnnno, that’s ridiculous. Tell her it was another woman.
Wife: Right. I can’t deal with this any more.
[ she exits the bedroom ]
Husband: [ he looks down at his two pillows ] I lied. I love it when you two fight!
[ he makes the pillows attack one another and climbs on top of them across the bed ]
Lois…..Ann Risley Tina…..Denny Dillon Counselor…..Sally Kellerman Woman in Audience…..Pam Norris
[ open on Lois and Tina lying on cots in their room ]
Lois: God, I’m hungry! This 10-day Juicefest is KILLING me!
Tina: I know what you mean! It’s nothing like the catalog my husband showed me! I thought it would be FRUIT CUPS… CHEESE BOARDS… maybe a couple of LAUGHS!
Lois: Some Fat Farm. This place is more like a… like a…
Tina: Say it! Say it!
Lois: Like a PRISON!
Tina: And the name! It sounded so nice — Lean Acres.
[ the title appears superimposed over the scene ]
[ the Counselor enters the room ]
Counselor: Alright, you cows! Weigh in! On the scale! On the scale!
[ Tina steps on the scale ]
Counselor: Well… you’ve gained THREE pounds! [ she swats Tina and knocks her onto her cot ] You’ve been snacking!
Tina: [ scared ] No, really — I — I — I really didn’t! [ the Counselor pulls her up by her sweatshirt ] Maybe ONE Saltine!
Lois: [ running over ] Leave her alone!
[ the Counselor lets go of Tina, as Lois crouches against the wall ]
Counselor: What did you say?
Lois: Nothing, nothing! It was just my… stomach rumbling.
Counselor: That’s what I thought. After all, you are ten pounds away from parole. Don’t blow it.
[ Lois jumps on the scale ]
Lois: What? I lost a pound!
Counselor: Water weight, Lois. It’ll be back.
Tina: Congratulations, Lois! A whole pound!
[ the Counselor swats Tina back down again ]
Counselor: Shut up! I told you FAT BAGS when you came to this FAT FARM that you’re FAT! THis ain’t no cocktail party,
Tina: Well, you see, it’s just that we haven’t eaten in TWELVE days and I just think that —
Counselor: [ sternly ] And you what?
Tina: Well, I think we SHOULD!!
[ the Counselor swats Tina back down again ]
Lois: Why don’t you pick on someone you’re own size?!
Counselor: Why don’t you two lose a little weight… and maybe I will.
[ the Counselor exits the room ]
Tina: I don’t think she likes me.
Lois: I feel the same way. You okay, honey?
Tina: Oh, Lois — how did I gain? I even stopped biting my nails!
Lois: Oh, why don’t we just LEAVE, Tina? We’re not criminals!
Tina: We’re WORSE — we’re overweight!
Lois: Yeah, and our husbands can’t stand the sight of us.
Tina: Not to mention the rest of the free world…
[ an overdramatic voice comes from above ]
Voice: This sketch makes me SICK!
[ Ann Risley and Denny Dillon look up into the audience balcony ]
Woman in Audience: You act like being fat is a crime! Fat people are HUMAN!
Denny Dillon: Who are you?!
Woman in Audience: Humans deserve RESPECT! If you uncover these layers of FAT… do we not bleed?! Huh? [ she looks among the audience ] HUH?! If you hurt our feelnigs, don’t we BLUBBER?! Where’s the “writer” of this thin attack on FAT people?!
Ann Risley: Okay… alright… writer?
[ a chubby writers enters the set ]
Female Writer: What’s the problem?!
Woman in Audience: I can’t understand how you could stoop to making FAT jokes! You of all people should be senstive to fat people! LOOK AT YOU!! You’re so FAT… when you sneeze, your chins flap! [ rim shot ] You’re so FAT… you need to wear a bra on your back! [ rim shot ] You’re so FAT… you… you get an electoral vote! [ rim shot ] You’re so FAT… that we —
[ Announcer: [ over text ] “She’s so fat that:
a) She hides money in her pores.
b) If a tree fell between her legs no one would hear it.
Or c) I can’t take much more of this sketch.
[ sound effects tally the results ]
Announcer: It’s C) I can’t take much more of this sketch.
[ the woman in the audience applauds the end of the sketch, as the camera pans upward to her, with SUPER: “Coming Up: “Circumsized Evidence” ]
Sally Kellerman: Good night, everybody, and thanks so much for being here! Good night, Mom and Dad! Thanks so much, everybody! Goodbye!
Announcer: Join us next week on “Saturday Night Live”, when our host will be Deborah Harry. This is don Pardo, saying: “Happy Birthday, Ronnie!” My birthday is February 22nd. Just send your cards and gifts to me care of this show. Good night.
Air Date:
Summary: President Ronald Reagan (Charles Rocket) discusses the issue with Frank Sinatra (Joe Piscopo).
Summary: Deborah Harry acknowledges her similar-coifed parents in the audience; Cupid (Eddie Murphy) fires his arrow.
Summary: Phil Lively (Charles Rocket) ponders putting his retired game shos emcee father (Don Pardo) in a retirement home.
Summary: Eddie Murphy reports on a variety of news topics, including Jean Harris, the fires in Las Vegas, and Poland’s attack on Russia.
Summary: Charles Rocket cautiously ventures into the unknown to determine how scary Central Park is.
Summary: Jersey Guy Paulie Herman (Joe Piscopo) looks for the perfect Valentine’s card to send to his relatives.
Summary: Staunch conservative and Reagan philosopher Atkinson Peabody III (Gilbert Gottfried) explains how various welfare handouts to the homeless cancels out the idea of poor people living in America. The ambassador of Poland (Andy Murphy) expresses glee in his country’s sudden invasion of Russia. Sports reporter Joe Piscopo interviews boxing hand puppet Weindulah (Marc Weiner), who also raps.
Summary: In a film by Leon Ichaso, laundry thieves (Matthew Laurance, Ann Risley) rob women’s undergarments from a laundromat, turn against one another while partying at their hideout.
Summary: Upon visiting their neice Susan (Deboah Harry) in Soho, Pinky (Denny Dillon) and Leo Waxman (Gilbert Gottfried) are surprised to learn her true sexual orientaton.
Note: Former Blondie members Chris Stein and Clem Burke join Deborah Harry’s performance.
Summary: Eddie Murphy delivers more information on Poland’s attack strategy against Russia.
Summary: Faye’s (Deborah Harry) date echoes the final scene of “King Kong.”
Summary: Valley girls Vickie (Gail Matthius) and Debbie (Denny Dillon) run into Tina (Deborah Harry), who dropped out of high school.
