Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 6: Episode 9 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos: Bit Players: February 7th, 1981 Sally Kellerman Jimmy Cliff None Marc Weiner Jim Fowler Andy Murphy Terry Sweeney Pam Norris A Message from the President of the United StatesSummary: President Ronald Reagan (Charles Rocket) uses a series of charts to describe the state of the economy, then feigns surprise when guests arrive to celebrate his 70th birthday. Recurring Characters: Ronald Reagan, Nancy Reagan. Note: 1985-86 cast member Terry Sweeney, who was on the writing staff this season, makes an appearance as one of Reagan’s guests. Transcript
MontageNote: Eddie Murphy becomes a regular cast member in this episode.
Sally Kellerman’s MonologueSummary: Sally Kellerman name-drops her movies until the director asks her to stop.
The Rocket ReportSummary: Charles Rocket is on the scene at the welcome home parade for the American hostages who were in Iran.
The Gavonne FamilySummary: Talent scout Lorna Burns (Sally Kellerman) watches a stand-up comedian (Gilbert Gottfried) perform fro his Italian family.
Name That SinSummary: Game show contestants (Eddie Murphy, Ann Risley) identify taboos based on sound effects.
“Eye, Ear, Nose & Throat”Summary: A film featuring close-ups of body parts.
Was I Ever RedSummary: Snobby women recall their mealtime etiquette faux pas.
Iranian Joke BookSummary: Wacky jokes you can perform at home and use to fool your friends!
Jimmy Cliff performs “I Am The Living”
Weekend Update with Charles Rocket & Gail MatthiusSummary: Upon discovering that Abraham Lincoln didn’t sign the Emancipation Proclamation wasn’t signed, Eddie Murphy invites viewers to use a secret code to claim a Negro of their very own. Sports reporter Joe Piscopo interviews boxing hand puppet Rocko Weineretto (Marc Weiner). Note: Charles Rocket wasn’t particularly enthused about having to share screen time with a hand puppet, to which Joe Piscopo later quipped that Rocket was jealous that the puppet got more laughs than he did.
Parent & ChildSummary: Mother (Ann Risley) and father (Joe Piscopo) explain their kinky foreplay habits to their son (Gilbert Gottfried).
“A Day In The Life Of A Hostage”Summary: Film documentary of a former hostage’s quest for public attention.
Lean AcresSummary: A counselor (Sally Kellerman) keeps fat farm members (Denny Dillon, Ann Risley) on a strict regimen, causing an audience member to interrupt the sketch in protest of how the overweight are being portrayed. Transcript
Jimmy Cliff performs “Gone Clear”
Iranian Student CouncilSummary: Members of the student council at Tehran University debate ideas for post-kidnapping activities and argue about their graduation prospects.
“New York”Summary: In a film by C.F. Bressler, New York City is represented through claymation.
Pillow PetsSummary: A husband (Gilbert Gottfried) is more attention to the needs of his pillow pets than to his own wife (Ann Risley). Transcript
Televised Criminal TrialSummary: The Supreme Court broadcasts a criminal trial in the same format as a talk show. Transcript
Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update”, with co-anchors Charles Rocket andGail Matthius.
Charles Rocket: Good evening, I’m Charles Rocket. Here now, the news.
Our top story tonight: Former President Jimmy Carter is finding difficulty adjustingto civilian life. Pictured here, we see the ex-President trying to sneakback into the White House.
Well, Sen. Ted Kennedy and his wife Joan have decided to get a divorce. Mrs. Kennedy said, “Hey, it had nothing to do with my husband’s indiscretions!” Well, during their 22 years of marriage, the senator had romantic interludes with these women: [ collage ]. And these other women: [ second collage ].
Well, in a budget-slashing move, President Reagan has cut White house newspaper subscriptions to the absolute essentials. Shown here on his first morning in office, Reagan studies the large-print version of Variety magazine.
Charles Rocket: Well, now that the hostages are back, “Saturday Night Live” thinks maybe it’s time that we thought about normalizing our relations with Iran. What better way than to talk to the Ayatollah himself, who’s agreed to be here to chat with us! Here is… the Ayatollah Komeini! [ he clumsily lifts a veil over a balloon dummy ] Whoa, let’s find him! Okay, Mr. Ayatollah! What a guy, huh? Well, we have a lot of youngsters out there who are aspiring Ayatollahs, so let me ask you a question, pal: Are you sorry? [ no response; Charles pounds the desk ] Are you a little bit sorry? [ no response ] Okay. If you’re at all sorry, furrow your brows, make a mean face, and stare straight ahead, okay? [ the dummy’s pose remains unchanged ] Well, how about THAT, ladies and gentlemen! A formal apology from the Ayatollah Komeini, huh! Gail?
Gail Matthius: [ weakly ] Uh, sir? I’ve been looking for a really nice Persian rug — Maybe — ?
Charles Rocket: Some other time, Gail, huh?
Gail Matthius: Never mind, I’ll talk to him later.
General Motors, this week, recalled 80,000 station wagons, because, in repeated cases, the glass in the rear window has shattered. GM. denying responsibilityfor the defects said that all occupants of the cars had been listening toElla Fitzgerald.
World famous designer Galanos donated Nancy Reagan’s inaugural ball gown, valued at $10,000. Meanwhile, an unknown Washington baker donated this coffee cake for Nancy’s head!
Walter Mondale announced yesterday that he will join Winston & Strawn, aChicago law firm. Mondale says he will use his experience as Vice-Presidentin his new duties — which will include making coffee, apologizing for otherlawyer’s mistakes, and receiving Boy Scouts who might stop by.
Eldgridge Cleaver has certainly had an interesting career. First he was a Black Panther, then he became a born-again Christian. now, Cleaver plans to join the Mormon Church. What’s more, he may also star in a new variety show produced by Osmond Productions in Salt Lake City. It’ll be called “The Eldredge & Marie Show”, and they’ll start the season with an ice skating special called “Marie with Soul on Ice”. Leave it to Cleaver! [ the audience continually groans ]
Charles Rocket: A letter, handwritten by Ronald Reagan defending his friendship with Frank Sinatra, was sold at a New York auction yesterday for $12,500. Well, purchased this morning for $15,000 by NBC, a subsequent letter from Ron Reagan to Frank Sinatra, which reads: “Dear Frank: I wrote the letter. Don’t hurt me. Love, Ronnie. P.S.: Say hello to the Weasel!”
Well, now, “Update Fashions”, with our own Fashion Editor Tiffany Fleur. Tiffany Fleur: Bonjour, mes amies. I am Tiffany Fleur. Welcometo my very first fashion show for engineering students. May I presentPaul. [ cut to Paul parading on the runway ] Paul is a mechanical engineerfrom MIPU. Throw away those calculators – the slide rule is back. And Paulwears his attractive leather hip holster to prove it. He’s ready for anycalculation. Paul’s ensemble is completed by his pocket pen/pencil holder.Handcrafted in practical vinyl, of course. But watch out – at night, whenthe animal in Paul breaks loose, he’ll switch to ze daring after-dark blue.Thank you, Paul. [ Robert enters ] Entre, Robert. Robert is anelectrical engineering student from Cal Tech, and sports the summer at thebeach look. Under his functional tuck, Robert wears the go-anywhere penand pencil holder, which is of course neatly glued to his chest. So,whether it’s a quick algebraic equation at the cafe, or an intimate eveningat home with the computer, you’re always in style with Tiffany Fleurdesigner fashions for the engineering student. And that is finis with theFashion Report [ cut back to Tifany at the newsdesk ] I have been TiffanyFleur, bye bye.
Gail Matthius: Thank you very much, Tiffany… and Robert and Paul.
In a government investigation, Canadian cabinet members responded to the question: “Who here has slept with Margaret Trudeau?”
It has been a huge week in sports, and here now to tell us all aboutit is our own Joooeee Piscopo! Joe Piscopo: Thanks, Gail! Hello again, everyone! Joe Piscopo,live! Saturday Night Sports. The big story – tomorrow. SuperSunday. Superbowl! Superdome! Eagles! Raiders! Winner? Who cares?When I think “Superbowl”, I think Steelers! Cowboys! Not Eagles-Raiders.I think Bradshaw, Starback – not Joworsky, Plunkett. Someone should lookinto why two mediocre teams that nobody cares about are playing in New Orleanstomorrow! Let’s take a look at the so-called Superteams! [ camera zooms outto reveal a miniature electronic football table in front of Joe ] Look atthis, you call this football! Unbelievable! Look at this guy, what the heckis he doing? I think that the Eagles will score by a touchdown! Eitherthat, or they just might score a field goal! The Eagles by a touchdown,that’s the sports. Joe Piscopo, Saturday Night! Gail.
Gail Matthius: Thank you, Joe!
In a related stoy,the Philadelphia Eagles, in preparation for the Super Bowl, have held their workouts in secret. Pictured here is Philadelphia wide receiver Harold Carmichael, practicing disguised as the Pope.
Charles Rocket: Well, claims against Iran will be a legal nightmare.According to specialists, procedures for transfer of the fund will take atleast nine months! Well, with us tonight is one of the people caughtup in the massive exchange of assets.. our own, Mr. Eddie Murphy.
Eddie Murphy: Thanks, Charles. [ to the audience’s light applause ] Hold that. A while back, I paid this dude $80up front for an ounce of Iranian hashish. Now, I asked if he wasfrom Iran, he said donn’t worry about that, right? Two weeks laters, Iwent to get my reefer, and he told me he didn’t have it. So I said, “Man,you got to give me my money back.” Do you know that that dude told methat his assets were frozen? I said, “Hey, man, don’t me tell me about nofrozen assets, because I gave you my heating oil money for that reefer!”Right? So, I took the dude hostage, and I ain’t giving him back to Iran until #1: Give me my $80; #2: Give me an ounce of that good Iranian reefer; and#3: Give me some of that Iranian oil, ’cause I been freezing my assets offall winter! Back to you, Charlie.
Charles Rocket: Thanks, Eddie, always a pleasure. Eddie Murphy.Thanks so much.Rupert Murdoch, owner of the New York Post, has purchased the 195-year old London Times, with the promise he would only make minor changes in the format. Well, take a look. Here we see the first edition of the London Times under Murdoch’s leadership: [ headline reads: “Thatcher To Parliament: Drop Dead!” ]
Charles Rocket: For Gail Matthius and the entire “Weekend Update” team, I’m Charles Rocket. That’s the news. Good night, and watch out.
Bob: Hi, football fans! This is the Pre-Superbowl Pre-Game Preview. And we’re all excited about the big showdown tomorrow in New Orleans!
Jessica: Yes, Bob, it will definitely be the highlight of the football season!
Bob: I would say it was the highlight of the entire sports year, Jessica!
Frank: No, it’s the highlight of the entire year, period! It’s gotta be the game of the decade, maybe even the game of the century!
Jessica: Probably the event of the century!
Bob: Well, I can only add that tomorrow’s game will really be the game for all eternity, the highlight of human history.
Jessica: And civilization, Bob!
Bob: Right you are, Jessica. And now, let’s take at some Superbowls past. [ pause ] Football is often compared to ballet – and it’s true. You take a ballet, and you remove the music and the dancing, and you replace it with passing, running and scoring points, and the resemblance is uncanny.
Jessica: It is exactly like a ballet, except that one is a game, and the other isn’t.
Frank: And, there are no cheeleaders for ballet. Also, one is on a field, and the other is on a stage.
Bob: [ contemplating ] Yes.. but the Superdome is indoors, so they’re both indoors!
Jessica: Right! Of course! [ laughing ]
Frank: It is like ballet!
Bob: Well, whether or not football is a classic, eternal art form, remains to be seen. But one thing this sport clearly does is build character, and instill moral values.
Frank: And, on that note, Bill, I can only say: Vince Lombardi, Saint on Earth!
Jessica: Well, I don’t think that anyone can argue that, other than drugs, violence, and cheating in love, football is the best place to learn moral values outside a monestary!
Bob: But, Jessica, to say that football is the great moral and religious teacher of our youth, is really to trivialize it. What football is, is a metaphor for life.
Frank: Oh, that’s so true, Bob!
Bob: In life, you need a game plan. You call your signals, and you run your plays. You’ve gotta be careful not to fumble the ball, or you’ll get benched. But, if you get it, you can go all the way. Isn’t it strange how much football is like that, too?
Frank: Oh, that’s so right, Bob! This game tomorrow means a lot to all of us. Not because of the superb match of talent we’re going to see, but because each one of us has personally bet a lot of moeny on it!
Jessica: Well, I know that’s true for me, Frank, and I bet it holds true for most of our viewers as well.
Bob: We hope you’ve enjoyed this in-depth probe of tomorrow’s Superbowl. We hope you’ll tune in tomorrow to watch this historic contest between the Raiders and the.. Chargers.
Frank: Uh.. that’s Dallas.
Jessica: No, no.. it’s Eagles..
Bob: Whatever! We’ll be back right after this message.
…..Joe Piscopo …..Matthew Laurence Eddie Atari…..Eddie Murphy
[ open on Saturday Night Sports studio ]
Joe Piscopo: Hello again, everybody! Joe Piscopo, live! Saturday Night Sports! Excitement! Tonight! Here! Now! Who would ever think we could top last week’s show, when we brought you the valiant Scotsmen ripping the kilt from each other’s waist in the masculine sport of Fair Dinkum! What could possibly be more exciting than a Scotsman without his kilts? How about an expedition where the code is Destroy or Be Destroyed! In a word — Danger! And when you’re talking about danger, you’re talking about ONE man! Eddie Atari! Let’s get RIGHT to the action!
[ cut to close-up of an Asteroids game screen ]
Joe Piscopo V/O: Here’s Atari’s ship now — the strange, pie-shaped craft maneuvering, warming up, as the first asteroids drift into view! It’s a beautiful night — [ the game ship blows up an asteroid ] THERE!! He’s fired his first burst! Then, again! Punishing the giant rocks! Notice how he waits like a cool puma with a laser lotus! And again and again! Each shot a song! A hymn! A masterpiece of precision and timing! And there it is — the Italian maneuver, firing as he retreats! That’s his trademark! Oh, it’s carnage! It’s slaughter! Atari seems to be in total control, ladies and gentlemen! But, look out! He might be in trouble! Let’s go inside the ship, where our own Matt Laurence is standing by!
[ cut to Matthew Laurence reporting from inside the game ship, as Eddie Atari steers ]
Matthew Laurence: Oh, I’m right here, Joe! I’m here, but that was close! Eddie Atari blasted through a giant cluster with amazing agility! This is the most exciting event I’ve covered since the International Foosball Tournament in 1964! And how about Eddie Atari? In 1976, during an Asteroids exhibition, he hit his Hyperspace button and was lost for two years! But, still, he persists like a man possessed! Eddie! Eddie? What keeps you going?
Eddie Atari: Quarters! Quarters, man! As long as I got change for a dollar, you’ll find me right here!
Matthew Laurence: Whoa, what excitement, Joe! Of course, what we’re here for — what we’re ALL waiting for — is the appearance of the killer saucers! As everyone familiar with Asteroids knows, there’s a big saucer and a little saucer, and both are deadly! I think I see it now!
[ cut to game screen as a beeping noise centers upon the game ship ]
Joe Piscopo V/O: Yes, you’re right, Matt, I hear it. I hear it, and — [ a flying saucer zooms past ] There it is! Yes, the quarry’s in his blind spot! [ the flying saucer is fired upon ] WHOA!!
[ cut to Eddie Atari at the controls, laughing ]
Matthew Laurence: Joe, Eddie Atari is jubilent! He took on the big saucer and smashed it like a piece of cheap crockery! But somewhere out there is a LITTLER saucer! We haven’t seen it yet! Eddie? Eddie, when? WHEN, Eddie?!
Eddie Atari: I don’t know, man! Get out of my face! When I see it, I’ll shoot it!
Matthew Laurence: You heard him, Joe! When he sees it… he’ll shoot it!
Eddie Atari: Uh-oh…
Matthew Laurence: Wait. Wait, I see something hurtling towards us!
[ cut to game screen, as the game ship whizzes past the Goodyear blimp ]
Joe Piscopo V/O: Matt, don’t worry about it — it’s only a Goodyear blimp.
Eddie Atari: I want the blimp! It’s BIG, man!
Matthew Laurence: Don’t fight it! Don’t fight it, man! It’s the Goodyear blimp!
Eddie Atari: Hey, I want it!
Matthew Laurence: Joe! Joe! He’s not gonna stop, he’s gonna go after the blimp!
[ Eddie fires his controls and smiles ]
Eddie Atari: Ha haaa!! I bagged it, man! I bagged the blimp!
[ return to Joe Piscopo in the sports studio ]
Joe Piscopo: Ohhhh, it’s horrible! Eddie Atari has massacred the blimp! Ohhhh, the humanity! Asteroids! Blimp! Disaster! Fail! Me! Words! Joe Piscopo, Saturday Night sports! Good night! Ohhhh, myyyy God! Ohhh, the humanity…!
Robert Hays: Hi! Alright, I’m Robert Hays! You knew that! Really, we’re ready to go, so I just want to say to all of you: We’re really gonna have a good time tonight. Huh? Huh!
There’s going to be something a little different on the show this evening. Now, from time to time, you’ll notice on the lower part of your television screen, a number.. [ number “19” in a box pops up ] ..like this one. Now, this is something that the network has devised, it’s an instant Nielsen rating. This way, the network brass can monitor, line by line, exactly what Nielsen families like, and what they don’t like, and they can fix things accordingly. [ numbers start rising ] There, you see? It’s in action! You see, the Nielsen families are watching me live, at this very minute. They really like the fact that we’re talking about them, and we care so much about them, so the numbers are going up! Thank you, Nielsen families.
You know, I have to say, I’ve always wondered something. Whoare these Nielsen families, anyway? I mean, if they’re the ones who decide what’s on TV, they must be a bunch of complete idiots with no taste at all! [ numbers start decreasing in value ] Even if they are just the total jerks that they apparently are, what right do they have to impose their will on the rest of us?! Huh?! Huh?! I mean, what right do they have?! Huh?! Huh?! What right do they have to impose their will on the rest of us?! Huh?! Huh?! What right do they have? Come on!
[ Gail Matthius runs onstage to point out that the numbers decreasing into the teens ]
D’oh!! [ stuttering ] Incest! [ numbers reach single digits ] J.R.!“Dukes of Hazzard!”Sheep! [ numbers start rising again ] Sorry about that! Everything’s okay now. We’ll be right back.
…..Robert Hays Voice of Inflatable Woman…..Gail Matthius
[ open on Robert Hays sitting alone in a hotel room ]
Robert Hays: Ah, this room that Tony set up for me sure is nice.. but I thought he knew how lonely I got on these promotional tours. I’ve been spending too many hours alone.. [ an Inflatable Woman suddenly rises from behind the couch ] What is this, some kind of a joke? Tony? Huh? Are you around here, huh? [ he reads the note on the Inflatable Woman ] “Patty Pleasure. For a good time, pull my string.” [ curious, he pulls her string ]
Voice of Inflatable Woman: Aren’t you going to ask a lady to sit down?
Robert Hays: [ confused ] Well.. sure.. [ he pulls her over the couch, sits her down, then pulls her string again ]
Voice of Inflatable Woman: You know.. you were wonderful in “Airplane!”
Robert Hays: Well, thanks. A lot of people don’t appreciate a comic performance. [ pulls her string ]
Voice of Inflatable Woman: Your eyes have a way of seeing right through me..
Robert Hays: Really? [ pulls her string ]
Voice of Inflatable Woman: I know how to make a man happy. I can.. [ Robert quickly pulls her string so he can hear the rest ] ..tie you up, or you can tie me up, or.. I can invite my friend Terri over, and you could.. [ he quickly pulls the string again ] ..watch. Do you think you could handle that?
Robert Hays: Well, uh.. you’d probably be plenty for me! [ pulls her string again ]
Voice of Inflatable Woman: Well, what are you waiting for?
Robert Hays: Well, uh.. what do I do? [ pulls her string ]
Voice of Inflatable Woman: You can start by giving me $100.
Robert Hays: For what?! [ pulls her string ]
Voice of Inflatable Woman: For the time of your life.
Robert Hays: Are you out of your mind? [ pulls string ]
Voice of Inflatable Woman: Give me $100, and we’ll talk about it.
Robert Hays: Oh, yeah? Well, who’s going to make me pay for it?
[ an inflatable pimp balloon suddenly rises from behind the couch, as Robert realizes what he’s up against ]
[ pan up to audience, zoom in on surprised woman with SUPER: “Only Looks Sleazy” ]
Ted Koppel…..Joe Piscopo Mrs. Terry Hill…..Ann Risley
[ open on screenshot of the cast of “Saturday Night Live” ]
Announcer: “Saturday Night Live” will be delayed tonight, in order to bring you this special report.
[ cue graphic: “America Not Held Hostage Anymore” ]
ABC News Announcer: America Not Held Hostage Anymore. An ABC News exclusive report, with correspondent Ted Koppel.
[ pan out to Ted Koppel in ABC News Room ]
Ted Koppel: Good evening. When we began the program “America Held Hostage”, we thought it would be just a miniseries. But to our surprise, it ran for over 63 weeks, making it the most successful new program of the season. Tragically, the hostages have been freed, and it looked as though we would be cancelled. But, in an effort to continue this fine late night docudrama, ABC News will now be counting the days the hostages are out of captivity.
[ graphic behind Ted’s head reads “Hostages Back In America Day 4” ]
Starting now, with Day 4, we’ll have continuing coverage of the non-captivity for hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of days. We’ll also be spending each week spotlighting a different hostage. With 52, that should kill a year. And, of course, we’ll continue to harass their families, as we’ve one so well for the past year or so. We have one of those in-depth reports right now.
[ cut to a suburban front door, cameras flashing all around it. ]
[ SUPER: as woman steps outside “Mrs. Terry Hill, Wife of Someone Who Used to be a Hostage” ]
Mrs. Terry Hill: Ohh.. Get out of my yard! Please! I don’t have any comments! Just go away! [ creeps back inside ]
[ cut back to Ted in the newsroom ]
Ted Koppel: We’ll have another one of those reports, through the window of Mrs. Hill’s window, live at 3 a.m. this morning. Right now, we’re going to another story, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”
Robert Hays: I just want to say one thing before we go. When I first got here to New York —
[ the cast playfully pushes Hays to quiet him, accidentally half-revealing Gail Matthius’ breast in the melee ]
Joe Piscopo: Come on, just say “Good night”, please!
Robert Hays: Thank you very much. Good night, everybody!
[ Joe “King” Caresco attempts to place his crown atop Hays’ head as he kisses Gail Matthius, then hands the crown across to Charles Rocket instead ]
Announcer: This is Don Pardo saying, I’ll bet you didn’t know I could sing. Well, I do — listen to this: [ singing ] “I’m just a guy who can’t say No!” Barry Gold’s got nothing on me! Good night!
Mr. Ziegler…..Charles Rocket Mrs. Denton…..Denny Dillon Fletcher…..Matthew Laurence Organist…..Harry Osborne Herbert, the Deceased…..Gilbert Gottfried
[ open on interior, funeral parlor ]
[ Mr. Ziegler solemnly approaches the widow ]
Mr. Ziegler: Mrs. Denton. I — on behalf of the Ziegler Brothers, I just want to thank you for choosing us in your time of grief.
Mrs. Denton: You were the people that Herbert wanted.
Mr. Ziegler: Well, everything seems to be going to plan. There’s just one small problem — our regular organist is sick. But as soon as the replacement comes, then we’ll get on with the program. Excuse me while I… check.
[ he stands and crosses over to Fletcher ]
Mr. Ziegler: Look — where IS this guy, anyway?!
Fletcher: He should be here any minute.
Mr. Ziegler: Well, I hope he’s experienced in these matters!
Fletcher: Oh! Oh, he’s one of the BEST! He’s the main guy at Madison Square Garden — he plays at all the hockey and basketball games.
Mr. Ziegler: Well, I wish he’d just GET here!
[ suddenly, Harry Osborne, the substitute organist, rushes in ]
Organist: Mr. Ziegler, I’m Harry Osborne, the organ player.
Mr. Ziegler: Fine, fine… thank God you’re here! I thought you’d NEVER get here!
Organist: Oh, sorry I’m late, but the Knicks went into overtime —
Mr. Ziegler: Fletcher, show him the organ! Let’s get started!
[ Fletcher pulls Harry Osborne over to the organ, as Mr. Ziegler approaches the widow ]
Mr. Ziegler: I’m… so sorry, Mrs. Denton. Now that the organist is here, we can get on with the program. I might add that you’ve chosen a wonderful program — short… yet dignified.
Mrs. Denton: Herbert wanted it that way.
Mr. Ziegler: Yes.
[ Mr. Ziegler stands off to the side and nods for Harry Osborne to begin ]
[ Harry Osborne pipes out “The Star-Spangled Banner”, as the mourners rise ]
Mr. Ziegler: STOP IT!! STOP IT!! What are you doing, you fool?!
Organist: Well, you said to get started!
Mr. Ziegler: Well, for crying out loud! This is a FUNERAL! Play something appropriate!
[ Mr. Ziegler leans down toward the widow ]
Mr. Ziegler: I’m… so sorry, Mrs. Denton. There seems to be some… mix-up with the organist.
[ Mr. Ziegler stands off to the side and nods for Harry Osborne to begin ]
[ Harry Osborne pipes out the opening notes to “Charge!” ]
Mr. Ziegler: Wait a second!! This isn’t a pep rally! It’s a FUNERAL!!
Organist: Well, I know — but I wanted to cheer the people up!
Mr. Ziegler: They don’t WANT to cheered up! Play a nice soft song!
[ the widow stands ]
Mrs. Denton: Mr. Ziegler… that man is disturbing me. I know that Herbert didn’t want this. This is not dignified, like your brochure said.
Mr. Ziegler: You’re quite right. I’m… so sorry. Please! I — I — I think I’ve straightened everything out, so don’t worry. Sit down.
[ she returns to her seat, as Mr. Ziegler nods for Harry Osborne to begin ]
Mrs. Denton: I’ve heard ENOUGH, Mr. Ziegler! And I don’t want to hear any more!
[ she closes the casket, as Harry Osborne rolls a flourish ]
Mr. Ziegler: Please, please, Mrs. Denton! It’s alright!
[ he opens the casket, as Harry Osborne rolls a flourish ]
Mrs. Denton: I’ve had just about enough! I’m getting Herbert OUT of here — NOW!!
[ she motions for one of them ourners to help lift the deceased out of the casket, as Harry Osborne starts up “Charge!” again ]
[ the crowd chants “Charge!” as the deceased is dragged out of the funeral parlor ]
[ pull back to studio wide shot, with SUPER: “Coming Up: Super Tidy Bowl XV” ]
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Air Date:
A Message from the President of the United States
Summary: President Ronald Reagan (Charles Rocket) uses a series of charts to describe the state of the economy, then feigns surprise when guests arrive to celebrate his 70th birthday.
Summary: Sally Kellerman name-drops her movies until the director asks her to stop.
Summary: Charles Rocket is on the scene at the welcome home parade for the American hostages who were in Iran.
Summary: Talent scout Lorna Burns (Sally Kellerman) watches a stand-up comedian (Gilbert Gottfried) perform fro his Italian family.
Summary: Game show contestants (Eddie Murphy, Ann Risley) identify taboos based on sound effects.
Summary: A film featuring close-ups of body parts.
Summary: Snobby women recall their mealtime etiquette faux pas.
Summary: Wacky jokes you can perform at home and use to fool your friends!
Summary: Upon discovering that Abraham Lincoln didn’t sign the Emancipation Proclamation wasn’t signed, Eddie Murphy invites viewers to use a secret code to claim a Negro of their very own. Sports reporter Joe Piscopo interviews boxing hand puppet Rocko Weineretto (Marc Weiner).
Summary: Mother (Ann Risley) and father (Joe Piscopo) explain their kinky foreplay habits to their son (Gilbert Gottfried).
Summary: Film documentary of a former hostage’s quest for public attention.
Summary: A counselor (Sally Kellerman) keeps fat farm members (Denny Dillon, Ann Risley) on a strict regimen, causing an audience member to interrupt the sketch in protest of how the overweight are being portrayed.
Summary: Members of the student council at Tehran University debate ideas for post-kidnapping activities and argue about their graduation prospects.
Summary: In a film by C.F. Bressler, New York City is represented through claymation.
Summary: A husband (Gilbert Gottfried) is more attention to the needs of his pillow pets than to his own wife (Ann Risley).
Summary: The Supreme Court broadcasts a criminal trial in the same format as a talk show.
Transcript
