Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 6: Episode 8 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos: January 24th, 1981 Robert Hays 14 Karat Soul Joe ‘King’ Carrasco & The Crowns None Don Pardo Michael Nesmith Harry Osborne America Not Held Hostage AnymoreSummary: Despite the safe return of the American hostages in Iran, Ted Koppel (Joe Piscopo) finds a way to harass further information out of a hostage’s wife (Ann Risley). Recurring Characters: Ted Koppel. Transcript
Montage
Robert Hays’ MonologueSummary: Robert Hays manipulates SNL’s instant Neilsen ratings by spicing up the variety of his topics. Transcript
DazolaSummary: A Native American (Denny Dillon) speaks highly of the mushroom spread.
Love American StyleSummary: “Airplane!” actor Robert Hays finds himself alone in a hotel room with an inflatable prostitute. Transcript
Saturday Night Live Sports CentralSummary: Sports reporters Joe Piscopo and Matthew Laurence profile the Asteroids lifestyle of video game pro Eddie Atari (Eddie Murphy). Transcript
ReagancoSummary: Spokesman (Charles Rocket) pitches the Reagan touch to common, everyday household products.
Save-A-Network TelethonSummary: Joe Piscopo encourages viewers to pledge a program premise to help keep NBC on the air.
Pre-Superbowl Pre-Game PreviewSummary: Panel members (Robert Hays, Charles Rocket, Ann Risley) make tomorrow’s Super Bowl sound like the most important event in the history of mankind. Transcript
“The Foreign Film”Summary: In a film by William Dear, a man (Michael Nesmith) speaks complete and utter nonsense.
Sports Organist at a FuneralSummary: Sports organist Harry Osborne is a last-minute fill-in at a solemn funeral service. Transcript
Weekend Update with Charles Rocket & Gail MatthiusSummary: Charles Rocket interviews a dummy of the Ayatollah Komeini, Fashion expert (Ann Risley) Tiffany Fleur emcees a fashion show for engineering students. Joe Piscopo uses an electronic football game to predict the outcome of tomorrow’s Super Bowl. Eddie Murphy comments on Irans’ frozen assets, and how it relates to his personal loss of $80 in a dope deal gone wrong. Transcript
Disco MeltdownSummary: Dena Disco (Denny Dillon) shakes her groove thing at a nuclear power plant’s disco club.
The Rocket ReportSummary: Charles Rocket uses misleading filmed bits to break down President Ronald Reagan’s daily itinerary.
The PacesetterSummary: Spokesman (Joe Piscopo) demonstrates the noisemaking device that brings new life to amateur theater.
Ravi SingsSummary: Ravi Shankar (Patrick Weathers) sings his own version of popular American romantic ballads.
Roweena’s Cut ‘n’ CurlSummary: Nadine (Denny Dillon) and Roweena (Gail Matthius) have different opinions about President Reagan and Mrs. Reagan. Recurring Characters: Nadine, Roweena.
Eddie’s PromotionSummary: A smug Eddie Murphy insists that his promotion to full cast member won’t go to his head.
Dream DateSummary: Spokesman (Charles Rocket) tells viewers to send in $40,000 for a chance at a Dream Date.
“Ordinary Elephant People”Summary: A preview for a new movie about a disfigured dysfunctional family. Transcript
14 Karat Soul performs “I Wish That We Were Married” & “This Time It’s For Real”
The National EnquirerSummary: Various editors for the National Enquirer make decisions about the contents of the upcoming issue.
Joe ‘King’ Carrasco & The Crowns performs “Don’t Bug Me Baby”
Weekend Update with Charles Rocket & Gail Matthius
…..Charles Rocket …..Gail Matthius Mary Lou James…..Ann Risley …..Joe Piscopo
Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update”, with co-anchors Charles Rocket and Gail Matthius.
Charles Rocket: Good evening, I’m Charles Rocket. Here now, the news:
Our top story: Pictured here leaving the White House, for one of his last times, President Carter. This next photograph captures President-elect Ronald Reagan’s reaction!
Well, during the Senate confirmation hearings, Alexander “General” Haig — General Alexander Haig said that the MX missile is the key to our country’s defense. Here, we see Mr. Haig swallowing that key. Later, when asked about the neutron bomb, he replied: “No, I don’t believe in using a weapon designed to destroy only human life. After all, part of the fun is watching the BUILDINGS blow up!”
Well, President-elect Ronald Reagan was presented with this seven-year old Arabian stallion by the President of Mexico. When the stallion got to Los Angeles, the animal turned out to be two illegal aliens in a horsie suit. Well, Mrs. Reagan, always sharp, said: “Hey! Let’s keep them anyway — good help is always hard to find!”
Charles Rocket: Of course, we’d like to remind our viewers here in New York and in New Jersey, Pennsylvania and Delaware that a drought emergency is in effect. Non-essential uses of water HAVE been banned. So, to help out, I’ve been switching from Scotch and water to Scotch and soda. [ he pours a mixed drink ] How about you, Gail?
Gail Matthius: Straight up, Charlie!
Charles Rocket: Straight up, Gail.
Gail Matthius: Edward Kennedy, Jr. is seen here leaving a —
[ Charlie pushes over a glass of Scotch for Gail ]
Gail Matthius: Thanks.
Charles Rocket: You bet, Gail.
Gail Matthius: Cheers. [ she sips the Scotch and grimaces ] Whoo!
Edward Kennedy, Jr. is seen here leaving a courtroom, Wednesday, after responding to charges of speeding. Traces of marijuana were also found in the car, as shown here. Kennedy’s father, Sen. Ted Kennedy, stated: “I don’t know what happened — I taught him to drive!”
Now we’ll go to our Health Editor, Mary Lou James, who has some diet tips for us. So, Mary Lou, you say it’s not what you eat… it’s how you eat it?
Mary Lou James: That’s right, Gail. For example: One little trick I’ve found is if you put the SAME amount of food on a SMALLER plate, it seems like more. [ she chuckles ] Well, this works great if you’re a complete MORON who can’t tell that the dish is smaller! But why go halfway? I mean, why not spread the food out all over the table? I mean, then it REALLY seems like a lot! And why stop there, Gail? I mean, if you take each little leaf of lettuce and put each one in a different room of your house, it REALLY seems like a lot to eat! I mean, you’d think you were never gonna FINISH, you know!
Gail Matthius: Ah, that’s amazing!
Mary Lou James: Now — now, have you ever tried eating looking through a magnifying glass? I mean, you really think you’re chowing down when you eat peas that look like BASEBALLS! I mean, TWO of them could make a whole meal, or something! Of course, though, Gail, the catch here, as with all of these tips, is that you really have to be pretty stupid not to figure them out.
Gail Matthius: Yeah! Yeah, that’s right, Mary Ann.
Mary Lou James: Yeah.
Gail Matthius: Mary Lou — sorry!
Mary Lou James: Right.
[ Mary Lou glances at Gail, who offers no further response before continuing on to the next story ]
Gail Matthius: The cold wave continued to sweep the East. Many residents were without heat. A Bronx woman saw this sight this morning when she lifted up her toilet seat.
A profound population shift that will alter the face of our nation is now under way. Here now is a special filmed report.
[ dissolve to black-and-white title card: “Rush To The Sunbelt” ]
[ cut to blck-and-white stock film footage ]
Narrator V/O: By plane! By boat! By cab! Often in TOO big a hurry. Americans RUSH to escape the pollution and decay of the northeastern cities for the carefree lifestyle of the Sunbelt! Although not everyone reaches this promised land, some lose their way and find themselves starting a new life in the Snowbelt.
Meanwhile, fearful of chaos in the Sunbelt, the government acts to discourage human refugees and persons considered “undesirable”. But in the Sunbelt, long lines of people waiting hours for sunglasses point out the lack of central services in this now-popular region.
Of course, when it was first conceived, the ‘Belt looked less-than-inviting, and was sparsely inhabited until 1972, when scientists added the sun, transforming this no-man’s land into a Shangri-la for MILLIONS.
[ cut back to Gail at the news desk ]
Gail Matthius: It sure is tempting, huh, Charlie?
Charles Rocket: Yes, it is, Gail. Very definitely. But, uh, never with a co-worker, okay?
In a plan to boost auto sales, Chrysler, today, announced their new line of edibile tires. They come in two flavors: Plain and Frosted.
Well, of course, the new look for owmen who wish to protect themselves from sexual harrassment was introduced by Halston this week. Keep that in mind.
And, of course, there’s a BIG story in Sports this week, as in every week. And here to tell us about it, is our own Joe Piscopo! Joe?
Joe Piscopo: Thanks, Charlie! Hello, everybody, once again! Joe Piscopo, LIVE, Saturday Night Sports! The big story! Super Bowl! Tickets! Scalping! Owners! Players! Forty dollar tickets being sold for FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS! Average fan left out in cold! Incredible! Outrageous! unfair! [ he reaches inside his jacket for a pair of tickets ] THINK about it! TWO tickets! Football! Eagles! Raiders! Super Bowl! 50 yard line! New Orleans! Bourbon Street! Drinking! PARRRRRTY!! Call! Now! Best! Offer! Cash! Only! Joe Piscopo, Saturday Night Sports! Charlie!
Charles Rocket: Thank you, Joe! Thanks much!
Well, preparations for the Inaugural celebration are in full swing. [ Joe Piscopo’s hand holds the Super Bowl tickets in front of Charlie’s face ] It’s the la — it’s the la — l-l-la — [ Charlie has to catch his breath, until the tickets disappear from view ] Preparations for the Inaugural celebration are in full swing. It’s the latest — the largest gala ever, and Hollywood’s BIGGEST stars are turning out! Catch this! Bob Hope, Johnny Carson, Elizabeth Taylor and Frank Sinatra will ALL be performing! Plus: The Herald Trumpeters of the U.S. Army Marching Band and the mormon Tabernacle Choir! And that’s not all! Yes! Pope Paul is sending over the College of Cardinals Barber Shop Quartet! But, WAIT! FRom ENGLAND — Prince Charles will do HAND SHADOWS on Princess Ann’s back! THERE’S MORE!! In a SPECIAL performance, Sen. Strom Thurmond will JUGGLE HIS GALL STONES!! Wait a minute! As a SECIAL celebrity sports tribute, Ray Charles will box FIFTEEN ROUNDS with Stevie Wonder! THERE’S MORE!! Then Nancy Reagan will stand in front of the entire throng, and, after a HUGE fanfare and drum roll, Nancy Reagan will attempt to CHANGE THE EXPRESSION ON HER FACE!!! Whoo! Quite a dedication!
Back to you, Gail!
Gail Matthius: The new President and First-Lady took their first trip this week in the luxurious presidential motorhome: Winnebago One. George Bush followed behind in U-Haul Two.
Well, it was the conservatives vs. liberals in the Senate this week, but Alexander Haig refused to be intimidated by liberal senator Jacob Javits, despite the fact that Javits has grown over four feet since losing the election last Fall.
And today the White House released the new family portrait.
On the celeb front, opera star Lucianna Pavaratti, dining in New York today, sneezed, blowing the Russian Tea Room OUT into the street.
In show business, Clint Eastwood started shooting his latest feature, entitled “Any Old Film You Can Stand”.
Charles Rocket: Of course, we’re all dying to know what Nancy Reagan will be wearing to the Inaugural Ball. Well, “Weekend Update” has obtained exclusive access to the original designer sketches of the gown Nancy will wear. Let’s take a look: [ cartoonish drawing appears on screen ] Beautiful, isn’t it? Just lovely. Yes, Nancy’s taste ALWAYS on the money! But what will Nancy look like wearing this particular gown? Well, thanks to the skillful talents and high technological of our staff artist, we’ve been able to come up with a compiled drawing — a composite picture of Nancy wearing the designer dress. Let’s look at it: [ Nancy’s head on cartoon image ] Yes, there she is! Nancy Reagan as she will appear in all her splendor next Tuesday night!
For Gail Matthius and the entire “Weekend Update” team, I’m Charles Rocket. That’s the news. Godo night, and… watch out!
Announcer: [ over BLACK ] And now… “The Rocket Report”.
[ dissolve to Charles Rocket leaning over the railing of a tall building ]
Charles Rocket: Have you ever looked over the edge of a tall building, and wondered what it would be like to jump? [ he leans up and stands properly to address the camera ] And, down there, those people would actually spend time and money trying to figure out how to manage just such a jump, just so they can cash that BIG check made payable to them by one of the Big Three television networks. Hi! Charles Rocket, overlooking midtown Manhattan from 50 stories up, thinking about those thrillseeker-daredevil-stuntpeople shows, and wondering why New York’s finest daredevils have managed to escape the attention THEY deserve. For in New York City, there’s a rare breed of daredevil, indeed.
[ dissolve to Hasidic jeweler walking down the street ]
Charles Rocket V/O: Like the Hasidic jeweler, who carries priceless gems in a simple shopping bag!
[ dissolve to drug dealer working a sale ]
Charles Rocket V/O: Or the drug dealers, who conduct business on the street, risking arrest every day!
[ dissolve to bum urinating on the side of a building ]
Charles Rocket V/O: And the bum, who LAUGHS in the face of humiliation with his open-book lifestyle.
[ dissolve to cab driver Rich Schmaltz behind the wheel ]
Charles Rocket V/O: The list is almost endless. On it, this man, whose daily life as a New York cabbie calls for stunt driving that would make the aveage motorist’s hair stand on end. His name is Richard Schmaltz.
Charles Rocket: Richard, how long have you been driving a cab?
Rich Schmaltz: Nine years.
Charles Rocket: And it’s true what they say about New York cabbies — you really have to pull some serious moves every once in a while, don’t you?
Rich Schmaltz: Every once in a while!
Charles Rocket: Could you handle a, uh — let’s say a left hand turn at a traffic light, from the extreme right-hand lane, cutting across three, and possibly four, lanes of traffic?
Rich Schmaltz: Yes.
Charles Rocket: You can handle that?
Rich Schmaltz: Yeah, that could be handled.
[ Charles holds up a diagram for the camera ]
Charles Rocket: Okay, here’s the move Richard has agreed to perform for us: He’s going to position himself at this far right-hand lane… next to three other lanes of traffic. His move? Make that left-hand turn this way, cutting his way in front of 1, 2, 3 lanes of opposing traffic. Rich, what are you gonna do?
Rich Schmaltz: You gotta use your mirrors… you gotta use your eyes at the same time. [ Charles nods ] As you’re stepping on the gas and the brake at the same time. Yuo have to be VERY sure of yourself. The slightest hesitation can cause you to smack-up.
Charles Rocket V/O: A SMACK-UP, Rich predicts, IF there’s even the slightest hesitation. Let’s find out how well he does when he performs this move.
Charles Rocket: Here he goes!
[ Rich cuts off the three lanes of traffic, as horns honk and another driver yells at him ]
Charles Rocket: As he looks around, actually cutting through — right across in front of the traffic, and now down — you ran the light, didn’t you?
Rich Schmaltz: [ proudly ] I ran the light!
[ the audience cheers ]
Charles Rocket: Is that the only way you can do that move?
Rich Schmaltz: It’s the ONLY way you can do that move!
Charles Rocket: You wouldn’t suggest this for any young viewers, would you?
Rich Schmaltz: No! No. Never. It’s very dangerous, really hazardous to have driving.
[ cut to Charles exiting the cab ]
Charles Rocket: Rich Scmaltz. Oh, hey — a little eyebrow-wipe there for THAT excitement, huh? I almost DIED in that car! Are you kidding me? Rich Schmaltz! He’s a real daredevil, here in New York. i’m Charles Rocket, reminding you that everybody’s a daredevil. Watch your step.
Frank Sinatra…..Joe Piscopo President Ronald Reagan…..Charles Rocket Nancy Reagan…..Gail Matthius Bodyguard #1…..Patrick Weathers Other Bodyguards…..Matthew Laurance, Gilbert Gottfried
[ open on interior, Frank Sinatra’s dressing room, as his bodyguards style and make him up ]
Frank Sinatra: [ singing ] “I’ve got you… under my skin I have got YOU… deep in the heart of meeee!”
Yeah. Don’t forget the bald spot.
[ singing ] “Start shotin the PRESS! Yeah, they’re just in the wayyyy.”
“Don’t let them be a part of it,My U.S.A.!”
[ Sinatra chuckles, as his bodyguards join in the chorus ]
Frank Sinatra: Cut!
[ a knock at the door ]
Ronald Reagan: Uh… President — uh, Governor Reagan to see Mr. Sinatra?
Bodyguard #1: It’s the, uh, President, Frank.
[ Sinatra waves Reagan over ]
Bodyguard #1: Come in.
Ronald Reagan: Thank you!
Frank Sinatra: Ronnie, baby, good to see you. Sit down.
Ronald Reagan: [ sitting ] Uh, you sent for me, Mr. Sinatra?
Frank Sinatra: Just a few reminders about this, uh, Inauguration jazz, Ronnie.
Ronald Reagan: Yes, sir!
Frank Sinatra: Number One: During rehearsal, I noticed YOU always out in the front. The cameras could barely get a shot of me. Now, WHO do you think people are tuning in to see?
Ronald Reagan: Well, I — I’m sorry, I — I don’t know what I was thinking —
Frank Sinatra: Number Two: Your acceptance speech, I’m not in it!
Ronald Reagan: Oh… uh… w-well, you are! [ he pulls out a notepad ] I — I — I’m rewriting it as we speak!
Frank Sinatra: Good boy, Ronnie! Yuo know, I’ve been thinking a lot about this Bush cat. Obviously, he does not capische my role in the new administration.
Ronald Reagan: Oh — oh, NO, Mr. Sinatra! Georgie LOVES you!
Frank Sinatra: Not enough. He’s OUT!
Ronald Reagan: Oh, but, sir! Uh, he’s an ELECTED official!
Frank Sinatra: [ to his bodyguards ] You hear that, boys?
[ on cue, the bodyguards laugh at this notion ]
Frank Sinatra: ENOUGH!
[ the bodyguards quiet themselves ]
Frank Sinatra: I think Nancy would make a GROOVIER Vice-President!
Frank Sinatra: Oh, that’s close, Ronnie. That’s real close, Ronnie baby. [ he slaps Reagain playfully on the cheek ] I mean, your BROAD! Your OLD LADY! Your CHICK!
Ronald Reagan: Oh! You mean Mommy!
Frank Sinatra: [ he sighs ] Yeah. I mean “Mommy”. [ he rolls his eyes at his bodyguards ]
Ronald Reagan: Oh! I can’t WAIT to tell her! Thank you, Mr. Sinatra! Thank you very much!
Frank Sinatra: Ciao.
Ronald Reagan: Thank you! [ to the bodyguards ] Nice meeting you, fellas! Thank you!
[ Reagan exits the dressing room ]
[ after he leaves, Nancy Reagan casually enters from Sinatra’s closet ]
Nancy Reagan: Nice work, Frank.
Frank Sinatra: [ standing ] Oh! Thank you very much, Mrs. Reagan. I, uh, tried to do everything that you asked.
Nancy Reagan: Mmm-hmm. But you forgot about Jane Wyman. But I’ll take care of that.
Frank Sinatra: Ahhh, I’m gonna have to make it up to you, Boss!
Nancy Reagan: You can start right now by singing the Inaugural Theme just for me.
Frank Sinatra: [ singing ] “Keep Audrey Hepburn… and keep Liz Taylor Nancy’s the feature, they are just… the trailer. Picture a President in lace That’s Nancy, with the laughing face.”
[ the camera zooms in on Nancy’s reflection in the mirror ]
Nancy Reagan: [ smiling ] It’s going to be a GREAT four years.
[ the camera pans out on the set, with SUPER: “Coming Up: Tank Therapy For Goldfish” ]
Woman from 6F…..Yvonne Hudson Man from 6E…..Eddie Murphy Man from 6F…..??
[ open on interior, apartment hallway, music blaring from Apartment 6E as the woman in Apartment 6F steps into the hallway ]
Woman from 6F: [ pounding on door ] Will you shut that damn thing off?! [ she pounds harder ] I KNOW you’re in there!
[ the Man from 6E opens his door ]
Woman from 6F: Nigger, are you DEAF?!
Man from 6E: No, I ain’t DEAF! You got a problem under that big GAP between your TEETH?!
Woman from 6F: YEAH, I got a problem! My apartment’s too SMALL! You think my family could move into your NOSE?!
Man from 6E: [ mildly offended ] Hey, my nose ain’t big.
Woman from 6F: Oh, no? Well, I got news for you — your FACE… is shrinking.
Man from 6E: Hey, look — I don’t appreciate you coming out here and doing that. Your face is getting ready to SWELL. Okay?
Woman from 6F: Well, I don’t appreciate YOU blasting that music! I got to get up and go to work in the morning! I need my BEAUTY sleep, you know?
Man from 6E: Oh, yeah — you DO need your beauty sleep! In fact, you SHOULD be hibernating, ’cause I bet you need about three or four MONTHS’ worth of beauty sleep!
Woman from 6F: Well, personally, I don’t CARE what you think! ‘Cause I got a man in here who KNOWS I look good!
Man from 6E: Your man think you look good?
Woman from 6F: Yeah!
Man from 6E: Well, who is he — Ray Charles? Stevie Wonder?
Woman from 6F: Listen, you JIVE-TIME, minimum-wage-making, welfare-taking LOSER! How would you like to spend the night out here with your face in the steps?!
Man from 6E: WHAT?! You gonna make — you come out of your apartment, THREATEN me, make me turn my music down, THEN you telling me you’re gonna knock me out?! Go on and knock me out, then! I WANT to sleep out on the steps!
Woman from 6F: Not me, baby! I take my MAN to help take care of that!
Man from 6E: Well, go get your man! Go GET your man! [ he pokes his head back into his apartment ] Say, fool! Turn that music UP! TURN THE MUSIC ALL THE WAY UP!!
[ the music blasts louder ]
Man from 6E: SHE’S GOING TO GET HER MAN!! HA HA HA HA!! YEAH!! THAT’S WHAT I SAY!! TURN IT UP!! I WANY EVERYBODY TO HEAR IT!!
[ suddenly, a large, musclebound man appears in the hall with his arms folded ]
Man from 6E: TURN IT — [ his eyes grow wide at the sight if him ] DOWN!!! YEAH!! TURN IT DOWN, TONY!! ALL THE WAY, DOWN!! PUT IT ON 10!! PUT IT ON ZERO!!
[ the music abruptly turns off ]
Man from 6E: AND, UH — GET MY LUGGAGE READY!! THANKS! YEAH! [ he turns to face the music ] Uh — Uh — BROTHER! Uh — you know! You know, I was thinking, um — um — You have a beautiful lady, man, first of all, and I hope that we weren’t doing anything to upset y’all, or wake you up. I know she needs her sleep, and I hope… this… this… I hope… you won’t get NO more troubles out of me! [ he tries to smile innocently ] Brother! [ he holds out his hands ] Give me five!
[ the Man from 6F just gives 6E a dirty look and lets him look like an idiot before he and his wife exit back into their apartment ]
[ the Man from 6E looks like he’s going to have a heart attack, then slowly shrinks back into his apartment ]
[ suddenly, with one last bout of defiance, the Man from 6E pokes his head out of his apartment and spits on the door to Apartment 6F and disappears back into his own apartment ]
Karen Black: [ lavishing the applause ] Oh, God! I LOVE applause! Oh, really — I would say or do anything to get applause! Oh! What can I think of? Oh, I got one! [ she throws her arms out ] I’m a… MOTHERRRR!! Yeahhhh!! [ the audience applauds wildly ] It does it to me, you know? Let’s see, what else? I don’t use druuuugs! [ light applause, then boos from the audience ] Okay! I use EVERYTHING I CAN GET MY HANDS ON!! [ the audience applauds wildly ] Uh — I don’t eat meat! [ silence ] Okay… alright, wait, I got one: I hate… VEGETABLES!! [ the audience applauds ] Okay, okay… I’m satisfied now. And I want to tel you… [ breathily ] there’s never been anyone like you. Really, you’re the best! Okay — I want to say hello to my son: [ waving into the camera ] Hi, Hunter! I can’t see you from here, honey. And you stay right there, ’cause we’ll be RIIIIIGH BAAAACK!!
Mona Lisa…..Karen Black Security Guard…..Charles Rocket Voice of Painting…..Denny Dillon
[ open on interior, art museum, after hours as Security Guard walks past a row of paintings ]
Mona Lisa: Hello, darling. [ the Security Guard stops ] Where were you last night?
Security Guard: Aw, come on, Mona… let’s not talk about it, okay?
Mona Lisa: Can we try it again?
Security Guard: [ he sighs ] It’s not going to work.
Mona Lisa: Just… one more time.
Security Guard: Okay. For you, anything.
[ he reaches his hand around her neck and tries to pull her free from the picture frame, to no avail ]
Mona Lisa: Ugh! It’s no use! You’ll never get me out of this picture.
Security Guard: Oh…
Mona Lisa: Cheer me up, Eduardo!
Security Guard: I can’t! I’m just so exhausted!
Mona Lisa: Please?
Security Guard: Alright.
[ she seductively places a green apple in her mouth ]
Security Guard: [ singing ] “Mona Lisa, Mona Lisa, men have –” Awwww, gee! Let’s just face facts — this relationship’s not going anywhere!
Mona Lisa: Oh, that’s because you never take me out of here! I’m SICK of being cooped up in this stupid frame!
Security Guard: Oh, you’re tense again, aren’t you? Is it your back? [ he massages her neck ]
Mona Lisa: Oh, thank you, darling. I’ve been talking to Madonna With Child over there.
Security Guard: Yeah?
Mona Lisa: And… I want a baby!
Security Guard: A BABY?! Come on, Mona — you’re living in a dream world! You know? We’re not meant for each other! It’s over.
Mona Lisa: Over?! You can’t break up with me! I’m a MASTERPIECE!
Security Guard: Hey, you’re a FOX, all right… but I just can’t figure you out.
Mona Lisa: [ smiling ] You nincompoop! That’s what people love about me! I know what it is. It’s-a my LEGS! You wish… I had legs, don’t you?
Security Guard: Ohhh… it’s not that. It’s just that… oh… I’m seeing somebody else.
Mona Lisa: A younger woman?
Security Guard: 19th Century.
Mona Lisa: Legs?
Security Guard: Well, it’s one of Renoir’s nudes. I mean… I met her at a Degas dance.
Mona Lisa: Edward! How can you?! Those SLUTS! With little tiny brush strokes, no DEPTH at all! They’re FAKES!! Every one of them!
Security Guard: Oh! Don’t be so judgmental! It’s just that they’re lbierated, and you’re not! I mean, you’re SO old-fashioned! You’ve been sitting in the same old place all this time.
Voice of Painting: Will you two PIPE DOWN?! Some of us here would like to SLEEP!!
Security Guard: Hey, who’s that?
Mona Lisa: Oh, that’s just Whistler’s Mother. [ calling out ] Drop DEAD, you old prune-a-rama! You’re off your rocker!
Security Guard: Well, Mona… it’s time for me to get going. But I want you to know that… I’ve always loved you, and I-I’ll always love you… and I know how you complained about never having any new clothes to wear, so I-I got something especially for you. It’s just to show you how much I care. I want you to have this. [ he hands her a cowboy hat ] Everybody’s wearing them!
Mona Lisa: [ smiling ] Thank you, Edwardo! [ she puts the hat on her head ] I wanted to look like all of those nincompoops who are looking at me.
Security Guard: Well… this is goodbye. I mean, someone new will come along. I-I-I-I mean, men come from all over the WORLD just to see you! Now, come on… cheer up. Come on, smile. [ Mona shakes her head with a pout ] Give me the Mona Lisa smile.
[ Mona holds her head up high and grins ]
Security Guard: Ahhh! That’s my Mona Lisa! Arrivederci!
[ he blows Mona a kiss, as she purses her lips ]
[ the Security Guard continues along his rounds, as the camera pans back with SUPER: “Coming Up: Drive-Up Sperm Banks” ]
Man…..Joe Piscopo Woman…..Ann Risley Mugger…..Matthew Laurance Black Man…..Eddie Murphy
[ open on couple exiting elevator onto main set, as Mugger approaches from the shadows ]
Mugger: Okay — give me all your money or I’ll KILL ya’!
Woman: Oh, God! He has a GUN!
Mugger: Noooo!! Guns don’t kill people! PEOPLE kill PEOPLE! [ he grabs Black man and points him menacingly at the couple ] And I’ve got a PERSON right here, so don’t try anything FUNNY!
Man: [ panicking ] No, no! Please! Put away your person! We’ll give you ANYTHING you want, just DON’T point that PERSON at us!
Mugger: Yeah, yeah… come on! Come on!
Man: Here you go! [ he hands his wallet over ]
Announcer: This has been a message from the National Handgun Association, reminding you that guns don’t kill people… PEOPLE kill people.
Karen Black: Well, it’s time to say Good Night! I had a stupendous time with all these wonderful people!
Announcer: Join us NEXT week on “Saturday Night Live”, when our host will be Robert Hays with musical guest Joe “King” Carrasco. This is Don Pardo — Good Night!
[ open on Charles Rocket standing behind oversized box ]
Charles Rocket: Having trouble finding a gift for that “someone special”? Well, how about “Saturday Night Live” Cast Dolls? Yes! Now you can have your OWN cast party with these life-like adult action toys!
[ zoom in on the dolls posed inside the box, as Rocket’s hands move them around for different scenarios ]
Hey! Did Ann come to the party with Gilly? No? It’s up to you! Is that Denny passed out on the couch? That’s right — she’s had too much to drink! Look! There’s Joe boogeying with Gail! Oh boy, Joe and Gail are REALLY getting down! [ he mimicks a telephone ringing ] Uh-oh! It’s joe’s wife on the phone! He has to go home! Too bad, Joe! Yes! Hey, look, everybody — Ann’s not wearing any panties! She NEVER does! Or maybe she’s wearing THREE pairs — YOU decide! Hello! Gilly’s gonna be SICK! Gee, Gilly, QUICK — run to the bathroom! HURRY UP!! [ Rocket dunks the Gilly doll over an adjoning toilet ] Ohhhhh, just in time! That leaves Charlie all alone with all the women! Heyyyy, he’s not running away! He can handle that kind of action! [ he mimicks a doorbell ringing ] Oh-oh! That could be the POLICE! Maybe Charlie has to get rid of all his expensive drugs! Look out, Charlie! quick — to the bathroom! RUN!! RUN!! Gilly’s in the way! Alright, get him in the bathroom! Whoo! THAT was just in time! WHAT’S THAT?! It’s just JOE at the door?! It wasn’t the police at all, and he’s forgotten his wallet?! OHHHHH, Charlie is FURIOUS!! [ Charlie maneuvers the two dolls at one another ] Don’t fight, fellas!
[ Rocket stops playing with the dolls, the camera zooms back out ]
Charles Rocket: Sound like fun? You BET! They’re the “Saturday Night Live” Action Dolls! Action accessories and action apartment not included!
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Air Date:
America Not Held Hostage Anymore
Summary: Despite the safe return of the American hostages in Iran, Ted Koppel (Joe Piscopo) finds a way to harass further information out of a hostage’s wife (Ann Risley).
Summary: Robert Hays manipulates SNL’s instant Neilsen ratings by spicing up the variety of his topics.
Summary: A Native American (Denny Dillon) speaks highly of the mushroom spread.
Summary: “Airplane!” actor Robert Hays finds himself alone in a hotel room with an inflatable prostitute.
Summary: Sports reporters Joe Piscopo and Matthew Laurence profile the Asteroids lifestyle of video game pro Eddie Atari (Eddie Murphy).
Summary: Spokesman (Charles Rocket) pitches the Reagan touch to common, everyday household products.
Summary: Joe Piscopo encourages viewers to pledge a program premise to help keep NBC on the air.
Summary: Panel members (Robert Hays, Charles Rocket, Ann Risley) make tomorrow’s Super Bowl sound like the most important event in the history of mankind.
Summary: In a film by William Dear, a man (Michael Nesmith) speaks complete and utter nonsense.
Summary: Sports organist Harry Osborne is a last-minute fill-in at a solemn funeral service.
Summary: Charles Rocket interviews a dummy of the Ayatollah Komeini, Fashion expert (Ann Risley) Tiffany Fleur emcees a fashion show for engineering students. Joe Piscopo uses an electronic football game to predict the outcome of tomorrow’s Super Bowl. Eddie Murphy comments on Irans’ frozen assets, and how it relates to his personal loss of $80 in a dope deal gone wrong.
Summary: Dena Disco (Denny Dillon) shakes her groove thing at a nuclear power plant’s disco club.
Summary: Charles Rocket uses misleading filmed bits to break down President Ronald Reagan’s daily itinerary.
Summary: Spokesman (Joe Piscopo) demonstrates the noisemaking device that brings new life to amateur theater.
Summary: Ravi Shankar (Patrick Weathers) sings his own version of popular American romantic ballads.
Summary: Nadine (Denny Dillon) and Roweena (Gail Matthius) have different opinions about President Reagan and Mrs. Reagan.
Summary: A smug Eddie Murphy insists that his promotion to full cast member won’t go to his head.
Summary: Spokesman (Charles Rocket) tells viewers to send in $40,000 for a chance at a Dream Date.
Summary: A preview for a new movie about a disfigured dysfunctional family.
Summary: Various editors for the National Enquirer make decisions about the contents of the upcoming issue.
Transcript
