Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 7

80g: Karen Black / Cheap Trick, Stanley Clarke Trio

Paulie Herman at the Diner

Paulie Herman…..Joe Piscopo
Waitress…..Denny Dillon
Woman at booth…..Karen Black

[ open on interior, crowded diner ]

[ Jersey Guy Paulie Herman stands by a display of spinning pies ]

Paulie Herman: Woooowww! This sure is a nice place here! Yessiree! I bet all the baking’s done right on the premises! Oh, boy — I LOVE to eat out!

[ the Waitress steps up ]

Waitress: Hey, buddy — we don’t have much room, so you’re gonna have to share a booth.

Paulie Herman: [ excited ] Okay!

Waitress: [ to Woman at booth ] Lady, you mind sharing a booth with this guy?

Woman at Booth: It’s all right.

Waitress: Have a seat.

Paulie Herman: Thank you very much!

[ Paulie sits and tries to contain his excitement at dining with a beautiful lady ]

Paulie Herman: Hello! My name’s Paulie Herman.

Woman at Booth: Nice to meet you.

Paulie Herman: I’m from Jersey! [ he laughs maniacally ] Are you from Jersey? [ he laughs maniacally ] I’m from Jersey! [ he laughs maniacally ]

Woman at Booth: Heck, no — I’m from Dallas.

Paulie Herman: Woooowww! [ singing ] “Deep in the heart of Texas!”

Woman at Booth: Excuse me, but do you mind not singing while I’m digesting?

Paulie Herman: Oh. I’m sorry. [ he glances at the table ] Hey! We got a little jukebox here! We can listen to soem real music! Wow, they got a lot of contemporary artists! Look at that — Jerry Vale… Al Martino… Terrific! The Police! Hey — do you think Barney Miller’s with that group? [ he laughs maniacally ]

Woman at Booth: [ laughing ] That’s a good one!

Paulie Herman: Wow! Thank you very — So, uh… where in Dallas are you from?

Woman at Booth: Well… you know Preston Road?

Paulie Herman: No.

Woman at Booth: Uh — you know Allendale Lane?

Paulie Herman: No.

Woman at Booth: You ever been to Dallas?

Paulie Herman: No.

Woman at Booth: Let me ask you a question.

Paulie Herman: What?

Woman at Booth: What is that cologne you’re wearing?

Paulie Herman: Ethylchloride.

Woman at Booth: [ she laughs ] That’s a good one!

Paulie Herman: Yeah, we make it at the plant where I work! You know, I can proudly say that the chemical company I work for owns FOUR toxic waste dumps!

[ she laughs ]

Paulie Herman: Thank you very much!

[ the Waitress re-appears and hands Paulie a menu ]

Paulie Herman: Oh!

Waitress: You know what you want, buddy?

Paulie Herman: [ reading the cover of the menu ] This says the “Turnpike Diner”! Hey, what’s this — Last Cheesecake Before Exit?

[ he and she laugh maniacally ]

Waitress: I don’t have ALL DAY, pal!

Paulie Herman: Oh. Okay. I’d like an omelet, plain, on wheat toast, please.

Waitress: No wheat toast!

Paulie Herman: Why? Are you out of wheat toast?

Waitress: Don’t argue with me! You get WHITE toast with an OMELET!

Paulie Herman: [ meekly ] Okay.

Woman at Booth: But that ain’t what you want!

Paulie Herman: But that’s not what I want!

Woman at Booth: What he wants!

Waitress: Read the menu! It says: [ she opens the menu ] “No Substitutions!” You know? Can’t you read? Where you from?

Woman at Booth: He’s from Jersey.

[ Paulie laughs maniacally ]

Paulie Herman: Are you from Jersey! [ he laughs manaically and shakes his dining companion’s hand ]

Waitress: Hey, uh, listen you two! I don’t have all day to fool around!

Woman at Booth: Yeah, you know, all he wants is an omelet with whole wheat toast!

Waitress: You know, I’m tired of people coming in here, like you, and thinking they can CHANGE THE RULES!!

Paulie Herman: [ thinking ] You know… this reminds me of a movie I saw once…

Woman at Booth: Yeahhhh… [ she thinks about it ]

Paulie Herman: Nah… Nah!

Waitress: [ impatiently ] You gonna ORDER, or what?!

Woman at Booth: Let me see if I can do it… [ in her best Nicholson voice ] Bring him a plain omelet —

Waitress: Plain omelet.

Woman at Booth: Bring him a chicken salad sandwich on whole wheat toast, with lettuce, mayonnaisse and tomatoes. you got that?

Waitress: Yes!

Woman at Booth: Good! Now, hold the tomatoes… hold the lettuce… hold the mayonnaisse… hold the chicken between your knees, and BRING THIS MAN HIS WHOLE WHEAT TOAST!!!

Waitress: [ fuming ] Alright! Alright!

Woman at Booth: HALLELUAH!! One more thing.

Waitress: Yes?

[ the woman thrusts the contents of the table onto the floor ]

Woman at Booth: [ to Paulie ] You gotta know how to handle ’em, honey!

Paulie Herman: [ impressed ] Wooowwww!! Wooowwww!! Woooowwww!!

Woman at Booth: I know a better place down the street!

Paulie Herman: Yeah?

Woman at Booth: Let’s get out of here!

Paulie Herman: Oh, yes!

Woman at Booth: It’s kind of messy anyway around here.’

[ they exit the diner as the Waitress yells after them ]

[ the camera pans upward into the audience, and zooms in on man with SUPER: “This Man Has Ruined His Chair” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 7

80g: Karen Black / Cheap Trick, Stanley Clarke Trio

Carters Leave the White House

Mover #1…..Matthew Laurance
Rosalynn Carter…..Ann Risley
Amy Carter…..Denny Dillon
Jimmy Carter…..Joe Piscopo

[ open on exterior, White House, with SUPER: “Inauguration Day: Oval Office” ]

[ dissolve to interior, Oval Office, as moving men stack boxes at the center of the room ]

Mover #1: Mrs. Carter? We’re taking these down to the van now.

[ the moving men wheel the boxes away, revealing Rosalynn Carter crouched in front of the President’s desk trying to pry the Presidential Seal off the front ]

Rosalynn Carter: Well, hurry up! We only have FIVE minutes! Amy! Amy! Get in here with that crowbar! I’m not leaving this house without this seal!

[ Amy runs into the room carrying part of the bannister ]

Amy Carter: I’m sorry, Mama! I needed it for the bannister!

Rosalynn Carter: [ standing ] And, honey, don’t forget about the stairs — if that damn Nancy wants to get up to the second floor, she’s gonna have to CLAW her way up!

Amy Carter: She SCARES me, Mama! You suppose she ever KILLED anyone?

Rosalynn Carter: No, honey — she just MARRIES them instead! [ she finally pries the Presidential seal loose ] Here, Amy, here — put this in the box with the sink. Now… what’s left?

[ Rosalynn begins to take down the drapes ]

Amy Carter: Well, let’s see now… we cleared out the East Wing, and, uh, there’s nothing left in the West Wing. And, uh… I drained the pool! [ she laughs ]

Rosalynn Carter: Leave the diving board!

[ suddenly, Jimmy Carter enters carrying shrubbery ]

Jimmy Carter: This is the last of the Rose Garden! [ he stuffs the shrubs into a briefcase ]

Amy Carter: [ digging through a box ] Look, Mama! I got every DOOR KNOB, every FAUCET HANDLE… I even got the handle to the toilet!

Rosalynn Carter: That’s my Amy!

Jimmy Carter: Well… I guess that’s about everything.

[ the two movers roll the President’s desk out the door, as the red phone begins to beep ]

Jimmy Carter: Ohhhh… that’s the Hot Line. I’ll get it.

[ Jimmy yanks the phone from the wall, wraps its wires around, then tucks the phone under his arm ]

Jimmy Carter: I’ll go get the Welcome Mat!

[ Jimmy exits the Oval Office ]

[ outside, a car horn honks ]

Amy Carter: Mama! It’s them! It’s them!

Voice of Nancy Reagan: [ over bullhorn ] WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE! IT’S OUR HOME NOW, SO GET OUT! IT’S ALL OVER!

Rosalynn Carter: Oh no, it’s not! It’s… [ she turns to face the camera ] “LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT’S SATURDAY NIGHT!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 7

80g: Karen Black / Cheap Trick, Stanley Clarke Trio

60 Minutes

Dan Rather…..Joe Piscopo
Bill Leonard…..Pete Fatovich
Heather Clark…..Jeannine Kerwin
Mike Wallace…..??

[ open on graphic of ticking clock ]

[ dissolve to Dan Rather seated in front of “No Babes In Newsland…” graphic ]

Dan Rather: I’m Dan Rather… with another edition… of “60 Minutes”. In past shows, we’ve investigated everything from the Tunisian Gulf… to the Love Canal. Tonight, we take a look at ourselves. In a recent poll, it was disclosed that what IRKS most viewers of “60 Minutes”… is that there ARE… NO… WOMEN. We explain this phenomenon as we examine… No Babes… In Newsland.

[ cut to film footage of Dan Rather interviewing Bill Leonard ]

Dan Rather V/O: We talked to Bill Leonard, President of CBS News, about this situation.

Bill Leonard: There ARE women on “60 Minutes”! Ask anyone on the show!

Dan Rather: I AM on the show… and there ARE no women!

Bill Leonard: That’s because — that’s because 1 out of every 4 weeks, they wouldn’t be able to work! [ chuckling ] You know what I mean, Dan?

[ Dan Rather offers a stone-faced reaction ]

Bill Leonard: I mean, after all, Dan — we’re replacing you with a Black man. That’s practically the same thing!

[ cut to Dan Rather walking through the offices of “60 Minutes” ]

Dan Rather V/O: We decided to ask some of the women who work on the “60 Minutes” staff… why there are no women on the air. But we couldn’t find any women… here.

[ Dan Rather looks back at the desks dominated by male employees ]

[ cut to male employees drinking coffee in the break room ]

Dan Rather V/O: — or here.

[ cut to Dan Rather standing in front of a women’s restroom ]

Dan Rather: — or here.

[ cut to Dan Rather interviewing Heather Clark ]

Dan Rather V/O: This is Heather Clark… award-winning journalist.

Heather Clark: I was almost hired by “60 Minutes” to be an acnhorperson, but it never materialized.

Dan Rather: Why not? What happened?

Heather Clark: [ she sighs heavily ] I don’t like to say this, but… I just have a feeling that Mike Wallace did not want me hired.

[ cut to Mike Wallace ]

Dan Rather V/O: So we spoke to Mike Wallace.

Mike Wallace: Ridiculous! Heather Clark is a fine journalist, and she’d be an asset to the show.

[ cut to Dan Rather speaking to Heather Clark ]

Dan Rather: Mike Wallace told us — and I quote — “Heather Clark” would “be an asset to the show.”

Heather Clark: Well, I just get the feeling that he did not want me hired.

Dan Rather: Why?

Heather Clark: Well, there’s this note I received.

[ she pulls out a large, painted note that reads: “Take This Job — You’re Dead” ]

Dan Rather V/O: We spoke to Mike Wallace about these allegations.

[ cut to Mike Wallace ]

Mike Wallace: You know, Dan — I wouldn’t do a thing like that!

[ camera pulls back to reveal hand-painted signs of a similar nature ]

Mike Wallace: Besides — it’s not even my handwriting!

[ cut to Dan Rather interviewing someone who’s face is obscured by a blue dot ]

Dan Rather V/O: We asked a trusted CBS employee about Mr. Wallace’s behavior. He asked not to be identified on camera.

Voice: [ obviously Walter Cronkite ] It’s clear from every eye, from Maine to Alaska, that Mike Wallace is a good reporter. But when it comes to women, it’s another matter ENTIRELY! You know, he’s a close friend of Harry Reasoner’s, and ever since Harry was viciously CASTRATED by Barbara Walters, Mike swore NEVER to work with a woman again!

[ cut to Dan Rather standing outside of Mike Wallace’s office ]

Dan Rather: Mike? We’d like to ask you a few questions.

[ peeking through the door frame ] I’m not in!

[ Mike Wallace shuts the door, then shoves a hand-painted “I’m Not In” sign under the door ]

Dan Rather: [ he picks up the sign and reads it ] “I’m No In”. [ he glares at the camera ] He’s not in!

[ return to live studio “No Babes In Newsland…” graphic ]

Dan Rather V/O: Since we last broadcast that story… we received a number of letters.

[ letters appear on screen ]

A woman from Canoga Park California wrote: “…it was about time that you exposed this gross injustice.”

A gentlemen from Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania said: “…I like it. But why don’t you do stories on important things: Like why there are no black hockey players?”

And this, from New York City: [ signed R. Mudd ] “…as usual Rather got his facts mixed up. I can’t believe an irresponsible Journalist like him is replacing Walter Cronkite.”

[ dissolve to Dan Rather in front of the “No Babes In Newsland…” graphic ]

Dan Rather: I’m Dan Rather. Join us next week… for another edition… of “60 Minutes”.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 7


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:



Special Guests:

Cameos:





Bit Players:

January 17th, 1981

Karen Black

Cheap Trick

Stanley Clarke Trio

None

Bill Martin

Michael Nesmith

Rich Schmaltz

Pete Fatovich

Jeannine Kerwin
Carters Leave the White HouseSummary: On Inauguration Day, Rosalynn Carter (Ann Risley) instructs Jimmy (Joe Piscopo) and Amy (Denny Dillon) to strip the White House bare before the Reagans move in.

Recurring Characters: Jimmy Carter, Rosalynn Carter, Amy Carter.

Transcript

Montage

Karen Black’s MonologueSummary: Karen Black will say absolutely anything to garner cheap audience applause.

Also Hosted: 76d.

Transcript

The Legendary ComposersSummary: Spokesman (Charles Rocket) pitches an album containing the classical origins of today’s hottest hits.

Foundation For The Tragically HipSummary: In a clip from “Elephant Parts”, spokesman (Bill Martin) for the Foundation For The Tragically Hip solicits financial donations to help spoiled rich kids survive in a material-based mindset.

The LivelysSummary: Game show host Phil Lively (Charles Rocket) and his lovely wife, Francis (Gail Matthius), invite their new neighbors (Gilbert Gottfried, Denny Dillon) over for dinner and a quiz show-style interrogation.

Recurring Characters: Phil Lively, Francis Lively.

Reagan’s Vice PresidentSummary: At Frank Sinatra’s (Joe Piscopo) request, President Ronald Reagan (Charles Rocket) appoints wife, Nancy (Gail Matthius), as his Vice-President.

Recurring Characters: President Ronald Reagan, Frank Sinatra, Nancy Reagan.

Transcript

The Rocket ReportSummary: Charles Rocket rides along as New York City’s daredevil cab driver, Rich Schmaltz, cuts through traffic at a red light.

Transcript

Mona Lisa in LoveSummary: A museum security guard (Charles Rocket) tells the Mona Lisa (Karen Black) he wants to break up.

Transcript

Cheap Trick performs “Baby Loves to Rock”

Weekend Update with Charles Rocket & Gail MatthiusSummary: Mary Lou James (Ann Risley) provides dieting tips for stupid dieters. The stock footage of “Rush to the Sunbelt!” documents the migration to the midwest. Joe Piscopo contradicts his stance on the scalping of Super Bowl XV tickets by trying to unload his own pair for a profit.

Transcript

60 MinutesSummary: Dan Rather (Joe Piscopo) offsets an investigation into the mysterious lack of women journalists at CBS.

Recurring Characters: Dan Rather.

Transcript

Stroke VictimSummary: A stroke victim (Gilbert Gottfried) is unable to communicate with the chatty visitors in his hospital room.

Fair Dinkum Championship FinalsSummary: Sports Reporter Joe Piscopo is on the scene at the championship Fair Dinkum Finals between manly Scottish athletes (Charles Rocket, Matthew Laurance).

Neighbor ConfrontationSummary: The woman next door (Yvonne Hudson) complains to her neighbor (Eddie Murphy) about the noise coming from his stereo.

Transcript

Paulie Herman at the DinerSummary: Jersey Guy Paulie Herman (Joe Piscopo) and his newfound lunch companion (Karen Black) channel their inner Jack Nicholson while trying to order a simple piece of wheat toast at a roadside diner.

Recurring Characters: Paulie Herman.

Transcript

Cheap Trick performs “Can’t Stop It But I’m Gonna Try”

Saturday Night Live Action DollsSummary: Charles Rocket demonstrates how much fun it is to play with the cast action dolls.

Transcript

What’s It All About?Summary: Karen Black can’t keep up with the changing subjects discussed by hosts Pinky (Denny Dillon) and Leo Waxman (Gilbert Gottfried).

Recurring Characters: Pinkie Waxman, Leo Waxman.

National Handgun AssociationSummary: Proving the adage that “People that kill people, not guns”, A mugger (Matthew Laurance) uses a black man (Eddie Murphy) to rob a pair of innocent victims (Joe Piscopo, Ann Risley).

Transcript

Stanley Clarke Trio performs “Wild Dog”

GoodnightsTranscript

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 6

80f: Ray Sharkey / Jack Bruce & Friends

To Tell the Truth

Number One…..Matthew Laurance
Number Two…..Charles Rocket
Number Three…..Eddie Murphy

[ open on silhouettes of three men ]

[ camera zooms in on first man as his face is lit ]

Announcer: Number One: What is YOUR name, please?

Number One: My name is… Jimmy “The Weasel” Fratianno.

Announcer: Number Two?

Number Two: My name is Jimmy “The Weasel” Fratianno.

Announcer: And Number Three?

Number Three: My name is Jimmy “The Weasel” Fratianno!

Announcer: [ reading ] “I, Jimmy “The Weasel” Fratianno, was once one of the highest members of the Mafia. I have personally murdered many people, some of them close friends. When I learned there was a contract out on my life, I decided to turn government conformant. Since then, I have become responsible for the convictions of Teamster officials in San Francisco, and Mafia bosses in Los Angeles and New York. In addition, my testimony has led to a grand jury investigation of Frank Sinatra’s alleged ties with convicted mobsters. At this moment, the Mafia is OUT to get me, and my life isn’t worth a plug nickel.”

Now! Will the REAL Jimmy “The Weasel” Fratianno… please step forward?

[ the three men make half-hearted attempts to step forward and back in an effort to tease the audience, until Number One finally steps forward to reveal his true identity ]

[ the audience applauds ]

[ Number Two whips out a pistol and shoots Jimmy “The Weasel” Fratianno in the back of the head ]

[ as Fratianno drops dead, Number Three looks at Number Two with grave concern ]

[ Number Two wraps his arm around Number Three’s neck and points his gun at his face ]

Number Three: [ panicked ] “LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT’S SATURDAY NIGHT!!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 6

80f: Ray Sharkey / Jack Bruce & Friends

Ray Sharkey’s Monologue

…..Ray Sharkey

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Ray Sharkey!

[ Sharkey runs out, does a pratfall and lands seated on the floor, then jumps to his feet ]

Ray Sharkey: ALRIGHT!! [ he blows kisses to the audience ] Hi, everybody! 20 million people out there — I LOVE YOU!!

Voice from the Audience: We do, too!

Ray Sharkey: [ he shrugs ] That’s my mother, it’s okay. [ the audience laughs ] It really is! It really is my mother! Back in New York, man! This is it, I gotta tell you. This is the greatest [ mouths: “fuckin'” ] city in the whole world! [ the audience cheers ] Alright! When I got here, they said to me the irst thing I gotta do is come out and, uh, you know, say a few words… I said, “Great!” Hey — a monologue! I always wanted to do a monologue, you know? Those laughs… tell some jokes… a little stand-up routine. So, a little later on, I’m gonna tell some jokes and stuff, and I may need a little help from the audience out there. You guys are my friends — right?

[ the audience cheers enthusiastically ]

Okay! That’s later! But I gotta tell you about my trip coming into town — in one minute. I go through this whole thing. I got off the plane, right? I fly from Los Angeles to New York — a distance of about… 3,000 miles, right? It took five hours, okay? To get my bags from the plane to the car — 300 feet — it takes me about SIX hours! Fuhgeddaboudit! So I get in the cab, I get on the freeway — oh, they call ’em “highways” here, sorry about that! — and I look and I see the 59th Street Bridge, and I know I’m home. You know? I mean, it’s like what a feeling. Ugh! The worst thing about it — I took this flight, it’s called a Redeye. Anybody take the Redeye? [ the audience cheers ] Fuhgeddaboudit! I mean, everybody walks on the plane looking so beautiful… the next day, it’s like, fuhgeddaboudit! I sat next to this woman, she was the most beautiful woman in the world. In the morning, she wakes up, she looks like… ugh! Fuhgeddaboudit! We broke up — I didn’t even sleep with her! It was terrible. When I got to the city, I got so depressed, you know? I was driving in the car, and this BLIZZARD was comin’ down! Fuhgeddaboudit! And it snows… there’s a beautiful white blanket. I’m depressed and then, wait a minute, man… underneath this white blanket is the greasy, gray film and dirt of New York. This is, this is my home, and I love it! I’m glad to be back!

[ the audience applauds enthusiastically ]

And about those jokes, you know what? I’m not supposed to do this, but I’m gonna do it! Forget about the jokes! I’m here to have a good time, and we’re ALL here to have a good time! We’ve got a GREAT show! Hang on, we’ll be right back! ENJOY YOURSELVES!!

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 6

80f: Ray Sharkey / Jack Bruce & Friends

Citizens For A Better America

Dr. Swen Gazzara…..Gilbert Gottfried

[ open on Dr. Swen Gazzara, Exec. Dir., Citizens For A Better America, seated at desk ]

Dr. Swen Gazzara: THe other day, I said it’s about time I bought myself an enema. So I went to my local Rexall’s and bought an enema. Later that night, using it under normal conditions, it clogged. It was then that the old expression “They don’t make ’em like they used to” hit me. Why does this country produce such shoddy goods? Why? Because Americans have lost faith and pride in their work. Everyone wants a glamour position. The american people are not satisfied with routine employment. They resent having boring, tedious, subservient, just plain and humdrum jobs. Let’s refer to them here and out as… “hum” jobs.

I come from a humble working class family. My father had a “hum” job. My mother had a “hum” job. And me? — I’ve had several “hum” jobs. For every corporate leader and every prestigious, high-paid executive, there are many workers underneath them performing thw “hum” jobs. [ an audience member “Whoo”s ]

So come on, America, let’s put pride back in our work, no matter how meager. Let’s say: “Mr. President, give me a job digging ditches! Give me a job mopping floors! Give me a job selling newspapers! Mr. President… give me a “hum” job!”

[ dissolve to “PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT” card ]

Announcer: This has been a Public Service message.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 6

80f: Ray Sharkey / Jack Bruce & Friends

Goodnights

Dr. Swen Gazzara…..Ray Sharkey

Ray Sharkey: We had a ball! Thank you, good night!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 6

80f: Ray Sharkey / Jack Bruce & Friends

Eddie Murphy Stand-Up

…..Eddie Murphy

Eddie Murphy: How you doing? I’m Eddie Murphy. Anybody in the audience ever — [ the audience applauds enthusiastically ] Thank you! Thank you. [ the audience calms down ] How many people in the audience have seen Black people fight before? [ the audience cheers enthusiastically ] For those of you who haven’t, I’ll show you what it’s like:

[ Eddie turns his head and falls into character ]

“What did you say to me, man? What? Now, wait a second! Now, be cool, man! Me and you gonna talk!” [ looks to his side ] “Little Dude, did you hear what he said about my Momma? The dude said my Momma got a wooden leg with a kickstand! Now, my momma leg ain’t got no kickstand on it, man! It’s just a regular wooden leg! Don’t you be exaggeratin’ about my Momma, man!”

[ Eddie looks around himself ]

“He said WHAT?! Your Momma got a wooden leg with a KICKSTAND on it?! You crazy man! You should whip his behind, man! Whip it, what, just like that record sing! Whip it! Whip it good! Put your FOOT in his BUTT! Keep it in there for a little while!”

“Hey, be cool, little dude! I’m gonna say something about HIS Momma! Say, man! [ to the little dude ] Listen to this here. Say, man! YOUR Momma… got some MOUTH in the back of her NECK! And the bitch chew like THIS!” [ Eddie stretches his arms out and swings his head up and down ] “Hear what I say about his Momma, little dude?”

[ laughing, as Little Dude: ] “Momma got a mouth on the back of her neck and chew like!” [ imitates the motion ] “I can’t breathe! I can’t breathe! Oh! Oh! Whip his butt! Don’t be changin’ the subject, you gettin’ your behind WHIPPED! Believe me!” [ does a double take ] “Say, man — put that gun away! Whatchoo gonna do with that gun, shoot somebody? Well, then, SHOOT HIM! Go ahead, shoot him! He’s messing with you, not me! Shoot him!”

“That’s right, man! Shoot me, if you gonna shoot somebody!”

[ Eddie makes a popping sound, then looks down at little dude and smiles ]

“Nice shot, man!” Thank you!

[ the audience applauds ]

Eddie Murphy: Once again — here is Jack Bruce & Friends!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 6

80f: Ray Sharkey / Jack Bruce & Friends

Cinematic Confession

Interrogator…..Ray Sharkey
Vic Lazlo…..Gilbert Gottfried
Technician…..Andy Murphy

[ open on interior, Interrogation Room ]

Interrogator: Alright, Lazlo! Where were you on the night of December 14th?!

Lazlo: I — I was at a movie!

Interrogator: WHAT movie?!

Lazlo: Uh — uh — one of those science-fiction movies!

Interrogator: What theater?!

Lazlo: Uh — uh — the Paramount!

Interrogator: What was the name of the movie?!

Lazlo: Uh — uh — it’s “Star Wars”!

Interrogator: Don’t give me that “Star Wars” crap! It’s gone! “Raging Bull”‘s there now!

Lazlo: Uhhh — you got me MIXED UP!

Interrogator: Look! Why don’t you admit it, Lazslo? You robbed the grocery store at gunpoint on the night of December 13th!

Lazlo: Okay, I did it!!

Interrogator: [ surprised ] What?!

Lazlo: I did it!!

Interrogator: Are you ready to make a FULL confession?!

Lazlo: Yeah!

Interrogator: [ he holds up a gun and points it at Lazlo ] You sure?

Lazlo: Yeah!

Interrogator: Great. [ he returns the gun to his holster ] Now, we gotta put this all on tape now. It shouldn’t take us long. Police regulations, you know what I mean? [ he opens the door and peeks into the hall ] Alright, come on in, guys, set it up! Bring everything right here. How are you, Al?

Technician: [ entering with equipment ] I’m all set.

Interrogator: How’s the wife and kids?

Technician: Not bad.

Interrogator: Alright. Bring it right in here.

[ the equipment is set up ]

Interrogator: Alright. Now, you just tell the whole story, Lazlo, right into the camera right there!

Lazlo: Videotape?

Interrogator: Yeah, it’s police regulations! Don’t worry about it!

Lazlo: Okay.

Interrogator: How’s the mike, good?

Lazlo: Yeah.

Interrogator: Alright.

Lazlo: [ nervously ] My — my name is Vic Lazlo. I was behind in my rent. I got laid off from my job, so I went out and got a gun from some guy off the street.

Interrogator: Cut! Cut. I don’t know. I don’t know, Laz. I, uh, I don’t BUY it! You know what I mean? You gotta, like — you gotta, like, BEEF UP the confession. You gotta — I GOT IT!! A girl! We’ll use a girl! Put a girl in it!

Lazlo: There wasn’t any girl there.

Interrogator: Come on! Whare are you talking about? Here! Let me show you! Get outta here! I’ll show you what to do!

Lazlo: But there wasn’t any girl…

[ they switch places ]

Interrogator: Look — you gotta be an actor, you gotta be an actor. Here we go. [ sobbing ] “On the night of December 14th, I was flat broke! I was behind in my rent! That night, I made passionate love with my girl. Later, we fought, she kicked me out, then I went out into the street to buy a gun!” You got it?

Lazlo: Well, I’ll — I’ll give it a try.

Interrogator: Good! Let’s do it again, okay, guys?

[ they switch places ]

Interrogator: How’s everybody feeling, good? Look RIGHT into the camera! Okay, and… ACTION!

Lazlo: [ in a 1930’s gangster tone ] “It was December 14th. I was lying on my couch with my girl. She started arguing with me. She said she wanted pearls and furs and lots of pretty stuff. But I just didn’t have the dough! Well, I was getting pretty sore, so I went out and I bought a heater, and I was ready to use it!”

Interrogator: Cut! Cut.

Lazlo: What is it now?

Interrogator: I don’t know, Vic. Uh — you’re unhappy, you know what I mean? You gotta lot of ANGER inside! Let’s see that anger against society!

Lazlo: [ sighing ] This is my confession. I think the anger should come later on.

Interrogator: Vic, darling, don’t worry about it, okay? Come on, let’s pick it up again at, uh… [ snapping his fingers ] “I was ready to use it” and, uh — you know what I’m talking about, right?

Lazlo: Yeah, yeah.

Interrogator: You feel good?

Lazlo: Okay.

Interrogator: Okay — ready? And… ACTION!

Lazlo: [ with anger seething ] “And I was ready to use it, even if meant a stretch in the pen! NOTHING could stand in my way!”

Interrogator: CUT! Cut!

Lazlo: Look, look — I can’t work this way! You’re screwing up my whole story! I mean, I don’t understand this. Alright, there’s a girl — what does she look like? What is our relationship like?

Interrogator: Vic, Vic… come to Poppa! Come here! [ they hug ] Don’t worry about it, hey? Come on, everything’s gonna be okay, alright?

Lazlo: Yeah.

Interrogator: The girl’s, uh, the girl’s a sexy redhead, you’ve been having an intense relationship with her… you know what I mean. Now, come on! Let’s take it from the top, alright? Time is money, executives are breathing down my neck. [ to the technicians ] Hey, how you guys doing? You feeling good? You got time for one more? Alright, alright, let’s go. Okay, roll it! And… ACTION!

Lazlo: [ with intesne anger ] “After my girl left… I bough a gun! From a man named Scummy Frank! His name was written ALL over his face! I LOATHED him, but I had no choice!”

Interrogator: CUT!

Lazlo: Cut? Cut? What do you mean, cut?

Interrogator: I-I’m sorry, Vic. We’re out of tape. I mean —

Lazlo: [ incredulous ] The machine’s out of tape?

Interrogator: I’m really sorry, Vic.

Lazlo: Look — [ he stands ] First, you cheapen my story… you throw a girl into it for the sake of, I don’t know, cheesecake! I REFUSE to work under these conditions! I don’t work for YOU any more! You get yourself a CHEAP PICKPOCKET to finish this film for you!

Interrogator: Vic, baby! Sweetheart! Baby, come on, you’re great! You know you’re great! Come on, do this for me, just one more time! Please! Justdo it for me ONE more time! I’ll give you anything you want! Lunch at the Polo Lounge for a year! Please!

Lazlo: Alright, alright! Okay, okay! For you.

Interrogator: Okay!

Lazlo: But we get rid of the girl, we shoot this story and the confession my way, the original way.

Interrogator: Sure, Vic! Anything you want!

Lazlo: Much better.

Interrogator: Anything you want, sure! Alright, guys, we’re shooting it his way. Okay… roll it! And… ACTION!

Lazlo: [ assertively ] “My name is Vic Lazlo, I’m a cheap hood! I was behind my rent, so on December 14th, I got myself a gun and held up the Chelsea grocery store! [ dramatically ] I CONFESS!! I DID IT!!! I’M GUILTYYYYY!!!!”

Interrogator: CUT!!! PRINT!!! IT’S A WRAP!!! Go back to the gas chamber, we got it! [ hugging Lazlo ] Okay, baby, we got it! Beautiful! Beautiful!

[ dissolve to overhead studio shot, with SUPER: “Coming Up Next: Tupperware Diaphragms” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts