Our top story tonight: Lady Diana Spencer just broke off her engagement to Prince Charles, because she discovered he was not a virgin.
Well, after three long months in court, Jean Harris was found guilty of murdering this man: Dr. Tarnauer. Apparently, she did it because she was in a jealous rage. Hard to beleive anybody could be jealous of this guy!
Well, anyway, Mrs. Harris contended she was trying to commit suicide. She probably thought she could get herself in the head by ricchoeting the bullets off his pajamas. That must have been it, yeah! That’s probably it!
Well, Washington, D.C. has been buzzing all week about Congressman John Jeanerette’s wife, Rita, who, as we all know, posed nude in this month’s Playboy. Now, look, I don’t know… what’s the big deal here? I mean, I saw the pictures, and… Rita: You were great! I thought you really looked really good! And if you really stop and think about it, it could have been worse. I mean, how would you like to look at a seven-page spread of Mrs. Tip O’Neill? I don’t know… [ he shakes his head ] That wouldn’t be good.
Charles Rocket: Well, it’s been a big week in sports, and here to tell us all about it is our own Joe Piscopo.
Joe Piscopo: Thanks, Charlie! Hello again, everybody! Joe Piscopo, live, Saturday Night Sports! The big story! Hockey! Violence! Penalties! Blood! Stitches! Gore City!
[ cut to two hockey players holding hockey sticks at one another ]
Joe Piscopo V/O: Solution? Softer sticks!
[ the players begin to attack one another with the rubber sticks ]
Joe Piscopo V/O: Violence! Plenty! Bloodshed! None!
[ return to Piscopo at the news desk ]
Joe Piscopo: Today, the stick! Tomorrow, the PUCK! Joe Piscopo, live, Saturday Night Sports!
Charles Rocket: Thank you, Joe. Did you say “puck”? Alright, well, once again —
[ the audience cheers ]
There’s another scandal that affects everyone who owns a television set. Oh, sure, I know many of you read about it in TV Guide — Cocaine is taking over Hollywood. Is that shocking, or what? The investigation is on, and everyone is scrambling. On the set of “Alice”, for example, they’ve taken all the spoons out of Mel’s Diner. At taping sessions, actors are understandably hesitant to call out: “Where are my lines?!” Well, it kind of makes you suspicious, doesn’t it? I mean, like, what did realy happen to Karl Malden, why did he get off the air? Well, when you think about it, his nose is so big he could have wiped out Hollywood all alone, you know what I mean?
Speaking of celebrities, Orson Welles and Shelley Winters are back at it again!
Charles Rocket: [ glancing off-camera ] For “Saturday Night Newsline”, I’m Charles Rocket. [ he turns to face the camera ] Ove here?
Bill Murray: Hello. I’m Bill Murray for “Newsline”, Arts & Leisure. It’s that time of year again, time for everyone’s annual Oscar predictions.
[ the audience applauds wildly, as Bill Murray holds up his Oscar board list ]
I think you heard it here first… that in the categories of Best Supporting Actor and Best Supporting Actress, nobody gives a DAMN! [ he pulls the nominees of these actors from the board ] Let’s get these people off of here as quickly as possible, and get them out of here!
In the Best Actress category, there can only be ONE winner — and that is Mary Tyler Moore. [ he wipes the other nominees from the board ] And for one reason: Because Carol Burnett isn’t nominated.
In the Best Actor category, there can only be one winner — and that is Jack Lemmon, because Jack Lemmon is still alive.
And in the Best Picture category, there can ONLY be one winner, and that is “Tess”, because Hollywood hasn’t had a good party since Roman Polanski left.
[ he removes the winners from the board ]
But these awards are meaningless to you and me because, well… we’re not judging them, people. I think it’s time for some new awards, and I’m about to give them.
In the category of Best Supporting Actress: For her work in “Wholly Moses”, the winner is… Laraine Newman.
[ the audience applauds ]
In the category of Best Supporting Actor: For his fantastic work with Benji in “Oh! Heavenly Dog”… Mr. Chevy Chase.
[ the audience applauds ]
A first for this award — a tie in the Best Actress category: For her work in “How to Beat the High Cost of Living”… Ms. Jane Curtin; and for a DOUBLE nomination for “Gilda Live” and “The First Family”… Ms. Gilda Radner.
[ the audience applauds ]
And what’s gota be a second in the history of this category — uh, uh, a second tie in the Best Actor category: For their work as Jake and Elwood Blues… Dan Aykroyd and John Belushi.
[ the audience applauds ]
For the Best Picture, there, of course, is only one winner. And that is… “Caddyshack”. Because it was written by my brother, Brian Doyle-Murray, and Doug and Harold.
[ the audience applauds ]
Uh — finally, most important award of all: The Irving Thalberg Memorial Award for humanitarian, decency, and just all around good guyness… given to Garrett Morris, for his work with the Guardian Angels here in New York City.
Dr. Jonathan Lear: I’m Dr. Jonathan Lear. This is “Saturday Night Live: Newsline”, Science Break. Tonight: DNA.
As most of us know, DNA is the basic building block of life. Also, DNA is the master molecule of life. It’s really great! We have been able to obtain actual photographs of DNA molecules, so let’s take a look at some of them.
[ he holds up a drawing of DNA ]
In its simplest form, DNA looks like a double helix.
[ he swaps out DNA cards ]
Here’s a photo of DNA molecules sitting up straight.
Don Pardo V/O: Ladies and Gentlemen — Bill Murray!
[Huge cheers and applause as Bill appears at home base via the elevator. He exits out of it and struts to the edge of the stage and does a kick jump and a dance to finish it off as the music ends.]
Bill Murray: [pointing to the band] How about that band?! Come on! Come on! More!
[After Bill gestures them, the band starts to play the theme music again as Bill jumps up and down while walking to the other side of the stage and hugs a support pole and jumps down below to the audience. He picks up a female audience member, drapes her over his head, and sets her back down on her chair. He jumps back onto the stage and continues dancing when Eddie Murphy shows up and cues the band to stop playing.]
Eddie Murphy: Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa! What the hell is…
Bill Murray: Eddie Murphy! Let’s here it for him! [stamps his feet on the stage as Eddie briefly smiles to the audience]
Eddie Murphy: What the hell are you doing? You’re supposed to be doing your monologue out here. You almost dropped this woman on her head, Bill!
Bill Murray: Well, I guess I got a little excited, huh? Well, what are you doing out here? Asking me what I’m doing, anyway?
Eddie Murphy: Well, you’re suppposed to be doing your monologue. This ain’t a band number. Do your thing!
Bill Murray: Oh, come on, Eddie. You know what we talked about. It’s just doesn’t matter, you know. I could go out here and say “Gee, these kids are great, golly! They got so much energy, and I don’t even know what’s gonna happen next!” Eddie, it just doesn’t matter. The important thing is that we’re working together.
Eddie Murphy: Yeah.
Bill Murray: Yeah, and that we’re BAD!
Eddie Murphy: Yeah.
Bill Murray: You’re bad!
Eddie Murphy: I’m bad.
Bill Murray: I’M bad!
Eddie Murphy: We’re both bad.
Bill Murray: I mean, that previous Black-White act, you know — or, should I say, that Pryor act — you know, they thought they were bad, or Wild or Wilder, if you will. They’re not as widl or bad as the Murray-Murphy combo! ‘Cause we’re BAD!
Eddie Murphy: Right, we bad!
Bill Murray: That’s right! In fact, we’re BADDER!
Eddie Murphy: Right! You mean we MORE bad!
Bill Murray: We’re MORE bad! We are the WORST, my man! Give me five, come on!
[ Eddie low-fives Bill ]
Eddie Murphy: We’re TERRIBLE! Give me fifteen!
[ Eddie low-fives both hands and raises one foot ]
Bill Murray: We are NAUSEATING! Now, give me some of that long sole, my man!
[ Bill turns around, raises one foot and holds out his hand, which Eddie high-fives downward to Bill’s foot ]
Bill Murray: Come on! Gvie me the PINK side now! [ Bill holds out his hand ]
Eddie Murphy: We gonna have to work on that one!
Bill Murray: And we’re both Irish, too! That’s so great!
Eddie Murphy: Yeah.
Bill Murray: Yeah, Murray and Murphy, the Irish duo. An Irish Jig, let’s do it man. [Bill does a dance move]
Eddie Murphy: [rather offended and pointing at Bill] Now, that’s bad AND dangerous, so watch yourself.
Bill Murray: Come on, man, I’m only kidding. We’re a team. We’re just like salt and pepper. [slaps hands with Eddie]
Eddie Murphy: Pepper and salt!
Bill Murray: Come on! Paprika and cinnamon!
Eddie Murphy: Hartman, Oprah!
Bill Murray: Yeah, Belushi and Aykroyd. [slaps hands again]
Eddie Murphy: That’s bad!
Bill Murray: That’s bad! We’ll be right back, man!
Eddie Murphy: Yeah!
[Cheers and applause as Bill and Eddie continue to give each other high fives including a jumping one as the screen fades.]
[Host Bill Murray, wearing jeans and a “Black ForestLanes” bowling shirt, sits quietly in his dressingroom, picking his nose. There’s a knock at thedoor.]
[Gilbert enters and all the other cast members file inbehind him and take seats in the room. Bill rises togreet them.]
Denny Dillon: Hi, Bill.
Bill Murray: Come on in. Sit down, youknow.
[Bill sits on the dressing room sofa, surrounded bythe cast who sit all around him, glum and depressed.Long pause as Bill looks them over.]
Bill Murray: So, how’s it been goin’?
Eddie Murphy: Well, it ain’t exactly so easy,Bill. Everybody keeps comparing us to the oldcast.
Ann Risley: And the press hasn’t been overlykind.
Bill Murray: Yeah, I read that stuff: “SaturdayNight Live is Saturday Night Dead.”
Cast: [groans, winces, looks uncomfortable] Oh,come on.
Bill Murray: “From Yuks to Yecch.” [cast groansand wretches as if in pain] My favorite, though, is”Vile from New York.”
Cast: [groans] Please, Bill.
Bill Murray: [genuinely amused] It’s funny.It’s funny. [more sympathetic] But, uh, don’t letthat, uh, bother you, you know. It takes a long timeto get started. I mean, a whole new cast, all newwriters.
Cast: Yeah. Right.
Bill Murray: What do you expect, you know? Theratings are still fine, you know. Even if your ratingswent up higher than the old show, you know…
Cast: Yeah?
Bill Murray: … people would still say the oldshow was better, you know?
Cast: [nodding] Uh huh. That’s true, that’strue.
Bill Murray: Maybe it was. … But,uh…
Charles Rocket: [as the cast protests mildly]Come on, Bill.
Bill Murray: It doesn’t matter! I’m justsaying, you know– So what? What if the show getscanceled and you guys never get to do movies oranything like that?
Cast: Come on! Geez!
Denny Dillon: Don’t say that!
Bill Murray: You guys are good. I mean, youknow, Charlie, you’re very funny. I love those RocketReports.
Charles Rocket: You really mean that,Bill?
Bill Murray: [more in sorrow than in anger]People are tellin’ me you’re imitatin’ me, Charlie,though. I don’t like to hear that. … And, uh, watchyour mouth. Clean it up. … Okay? [Charles nods, Billturns to Gilbert] Who are you? What’s yourname?
Gilbert Gottfried: Uh, I – I’m Gilbert.
Bill Murray: Gilbert. Gilbert, cheer up for me,will ya, pal? [pats Gilbert’s shoulder and headsupportively] Huh? Come on. You’re a very lucky humanbeing. You’re very lucky, you know? Nobody walks up toyou on the street and says, “I hated 1941!” –do they? Well, all right. [to Denny] And, you — youlook very good when you comb your hair. It’s nice.Well, you do.
Denny Dillon: Bill, it’s supposed to be likethis!
Bill Murray: [nods, turns to Ann and Gail] Youknow, and, uh, you girls are terrific looking, you’regreat. You know, I still mix you up, I – I can’t tellyou apart, but it’s great, you know. It’s like, “Oh,it’s that other girl who’s very attractive” and soforth.
Ann Risley: [nods] Oh, yeah.
Bill Murray: And, uh, you know, Joe Piscopo,you’re great. [someone in the crowd agrees] You know,the whole sports thing. The monosyllabic hollering andstuff.
Joe Piscopo: Thanks, Bill.
Bill Murray: It’s inspired, you know, but, uh,are you – are you gonna definitely stick with “JoePiscopo” as your name?
Joe Piscopo: Uh … Well, I was born with it,Bill. You know, it’s my name.
Bill Murray: Wow. [beat] Well, whatever. …And, uh, you, Eddie. You’re black. … [Eddie juststares at him] And, uh, that’s beautiful, man. That’sbeautiful. You can do whatever you want. Matt and Pat,Yvonne, those guys are great. Look. Look. You guysneed help.
Charles Rocket: Yeah.
Bill Murray: You need a lot of help, really.But, hey — I saved the old cast, I can do it foryou. You know. … What do you think they werelike before I got here, man? Aykroyd — Dan Aykroydwas weak. I taught him a lot, man.
Cast: Really? Oh, really?
Bill Murray: Belushi was a shadow. Jane Curtinhad a serious drinking problem before I–
Bill Murray: The important thing now is to be”up.” You know, you gotta be “up.” ‘Cuz if you’re not”up,” I don’t look good tonight. You know? You know,the press, they can be terrible to you. [rises] But itdoesn’t matter, you know?
Cast: Yeah.
Bill Murray: The ratings deal? It just doesn’tmatter.
Cast: Yeah. Right.
All: It just doesn’t matter.
Bill Murray: Right!
All: It just doesn’t matter!
Bill Murray: That’s right! Confidence! Sure, Ihaven’t done this show in a year. Sure, I could go outthere and make a fool of myself. [cast protests, says,”No, no, no.”] Sure, I could completely bloweverything. I could completely blow everything…
Charles Rocket: I suppose.
Bill Murray: … and humiliate myself in frontof millions of people on TV.
Cast: Probably, yeah.
Bill Murray: [beat, swallows nervously] It’s avery real possibility. … [pause] I think I’m gonnabe sick. [staggers over to make-up table]
Cast: [rising, in concern] Oh, Bill.
Denny Dillon: Bill, are you okay? Bill, are youokay?
Bill Murray: No, I think I’m gonna be sick.Maybe a drink’ll help– [grabs a bottle of liquor offthe table, the cast gathers around him]
Gilbert Gottfried: Bill, take it easy. You’llbe okay.
Denny Dillon: This guy’s a basket case.
Joe Piscopo: Hey, look, look, we carried ElliotGould, we could carry Bill Murray. Noproblem-o.
[Bill takes a swig of liquor straight from the bottle.The cast pleads and protests.]
Joe Piscopo: It’s like he said, “It justdoesn’t matter!”
Gail Matthius: Hey, hey, Bill. It reallydoesn’t matter. Here, we’re gonna take care of ya,huh? It doesn’t matter!
[Quickly, the other cast members start repeating, “Itjust doesn’t matter!” with increasing energy andintensity until Bill joins in and they are allchanting loudly and hopping up and down in a hugegroup hug, like some kind of insane pep rallycheer.]
All: It just doesn’t matter! It just doesn’t matter! It just doesn’t matter! It just doesn’t matter! It just doesn’t matter! It just doesn’t matter! It just doesn’t matter!
Bill Murray: Let’s go get ’em!
[They all turn, waving clenched fists and pointingfingers, and yell enthusiastically into thecamera:]
Mary Cunningham…..Gail Matthius Phil Beekman…..Charles Rocket Chairman of the Board…..Joe Piscopo Manuel…..Gilbert Gottfried
[ open on Mary Cunningham standing at podium ]
Mary Cunningham: Hello, I’m Mary Cunningham. Last October, I quit my job at Bendix because my boss held a press conference to announce that we were NOT sleeping together. Well, it was really awful. Now, this week, I finally got a new job, and my new corporation assures me that they will be a LOT more sensitive.
[ Seagram’s President Phil Beekman steps forward ]
Phil Beekman: That’s right. I’m the President of Seagram’s — Mary’s new company — and I sympathize with what Mary went through. So I just want to announce right here and now that I’m NOT sleeping with Ms. Cunningham. She is absolutely NOT my mistress, and I want to make it PERFECTLY Clear she’s absolutely not my sultry slave of love.
Mary Cunningham: But I’m NOT!!
Phil Beekman: That’s what I’m telling the people, Mary… [ to the audience ] Now, DON’T think that Mary and I have wild sex in the executive suite, in the boardroom, or on those so-called business trips, because, no kidding, we don’t! I’m not lying. And here’s someone else who Mary doesn’t service twenty-four hours a day, on call — our Chairman of the Board.
[ Chairman of the Board enters ]
Chairman of the Board: That’s right! Don’t ask me what Mary looks like under those, uh, conservative suits — I have no idea! Because I have NOT had my way with her. That’s why I wrote this article for the Wall Street Journal — [ he holds up the newspaper ] “I Don’t Have Sex With Mary Cunningham!”
Phil Beekman: See, Mary? Your nightmare of tawdry publicity is over. Hey, Jim! Come on out here. [ Executive enters ] This is Jim Deekman, our VP of Sales. Jim, do you sleep with Cunningham?
Jim: No.
Phil Beekman: Attaboy! Well, Mary, I think this will seal your reputation!
Mary Cunningham: Yeah, I’m sure it will…
Phil Beekman: Manuel! Our favorite janitor here at Seagram’s! [ Manuel enters ] Tell us, honestly, have you gotten anything off of Mary?
Manuel: No! I have NEVER had Mary Cunningham as my passionate child-woman! The flower of my burning lust taken in rapture! No! No joke! Never! I think of her as another executive.
Phil Beekman: Thanks, Manuel! I’m sure we all do.
Manuel: I think she’s frigid…
Phil Beekman: Now, now, Manuel! Well, Mary, your professional reputation is restored. Who says we’re not sensitive? I mean, there’s enough male sensitivity right here to fill a whole week of “Donahue” shows, am I right? [ the men agree ] Alright! Now, if there’s anyone else out there who doesn’t sleep with Mary and wants to make a big announcement about it, send us a postcard! We’ll read it on the air. That address is:
[ SUPER ]
“No Sex With Mary 30 Rockefeller Plaza New York, N.Y.”
Okay? Alright, Mary? [ he grabs her shoulder, but she rebuffs him ] Uh-oh, I’m sorry! Okay, no touching! Alright.
Bill Murray: Next week, the host will be RobertGuillaume and he will have Ian Drury and theBlockheads with him.
Off screen voice: All right!
Bill Murray: That’s right. [self-consciously,into the camera] Uh, Danny, John, Gilda, Laraine,Garrett, Jane, [rolls his eyes trying to remember ifhe’s forgotten anyone] Gilda, Laraine — [seriously]I’m sorry for what I’ve done.
[The others laugh at this. Cheers and applause as Billsmiles wryly and waves. As the closing theme kicks inand the cast waves, Charles Rocket leans in and givesBill a big hug. Eventually, the cast crowds aroundBill who shakes Eddie Murphy’s hand warmly. The castgives Bill noogies. After a while, we pull back andpan over the applauding audience in Studio8H.]
[ open on title card, as routine florist activity takes place in the background — florists wrap flowers in paper, carry pots in from the back room, etc. ]
[ meanwhile, a Customer window-gazes outside in the snow before deciding to come inside ]
Florist: Good morning. What can we do for you?
Customer: I’m looking for something, uh, special.
Florist: Something special? Uh, what — like a mink coat? Something like that, or have you considered flowers this morning?
Customer: Something, uh — something unusual, perhaps. Uh, out of the ordinary. Not your run of the mill.
Florist: Well, we’ve got some Washington State daffodils this morning. These are very fresh, picked them off myself.
Customer: Mmm-hmm, no.
Florist: California iris.
Customer: N-no…
Florist: California tiger lilies?
Customer: Uhhh…
Florist: I got — what do you want, spiders? I got glads. I got carnations. Miniature carnations.
Customer: No, I’m looking for something more unusual.
Florist: Unusual?
Customer: Mmm-hmm. Could you show me something?
Florist: Sure. What, are you going to a funeral or something? You’re kind of sad this morning. You’re depressing me!
Customer: No, no. I just want something kind of special, kind of unusual, something less pedestrian.
Florist: Less pedestrian? You come in off the street, you don’t want something pedestrian, huh? [ he chuckles ] Okay, come on. How about a bird of paradise? You know a bird of paradise?
Customer: Well, let’s see.
[ the Florist holds up the flower ]
Florist: Bird of paradise. This isn’t unusual enough for you?
[ the Customer sniffs the flower ]
Florist: [ he chuckles ] Alright. Well, I’m sorry, we’re gonna have to put you to bed. [ he holds up another flower ] White Pinocchios.
Customer: No, no. I’m looking for something a little more, uh… exotic.
Florist: [ thinking ] Exotic?
Customer: Exotic.
[ cut to the two men in another part of the shop ]
Florist: You don’t have any allergies, do you?
Customer: No.
Florist: [ acknowledging a row of flowers ] These are irises. I suppose you wouldn’t like any of this kind of stuff.
Customer: No.
Florist: Carnations.
Customer: No.
Florist: Heathers. This is pretty. Some people think it’s pretty.
Customer: No.
Florist: These are nice glads. They’re fresh. I took ’em off myself.
Customer: Mmm-hmm.
Florist: Here — these are freshia. Try these. Get a whiff of these, get in there.
Customer: [ sniffing ] Mmm-hmm.
Florist: Ah, good? Now, try the yellow ones — those are really good!
Customer: I don’t — I don’t think —
Florist: Alright, over here. Try these mums. These are fragrant, these are really fragrant.
[ cut to the Florist walking to the Customer to a door in the back ]
Florist: Alright. This should be it.
[ the Florist disappears through the door, then re-emerges moments later with a bouquet ]
Florist: These are African daisies.
Customer: [ impressed ] Ohhhh… it’s beautiful! This is EXACTLY what I want!
Florist: [ picking a long stem ] Alright. How many would you like?
Customer: Just the one.
Florist: [ miffed ] Alright. Give me five bucks.
[ the Customer hands over the money ]
Florist: Okay, you want me to wrap it?
Customer: No, I’ll eat it here.
[ the Customer salts the petals, then shoves the flower into his mouth ]
Customer: Mmm!
[ the customer hands his salt shaker to the Florist and walks away ]
[ confused, the Florist sniffs the petals of one of the petals and takes a bite of his own; he tries it with the salt, and continues eating as the credits roll ]
Richard … Bill Murray Marilyn … Ann Risley Ron … Matthew Laurance
[Richard and Marilyn rush up breathlessly to the doorof their friend Ron’s apartment.]
Marilyn: You were driving like a maniac. What,are we late?
Richard: No. We made it. Barely. I – I justdon’t like to keep people waiting.
Marilyn: All right, all right.
Richard: Okay. [Marilyn starts to ring thedoorbell] Wait! Honey! What is Ron’s cat’s name? [shecan’t remember – neither can he – they are instantlystressed out] Oh. The cat? The cat’s name?
Marilyn: [thinking] Ohhhhh. Ahhhh.
Richard: Oh, no. Gee.
Marilyn: Ahhhh.
Richard: Oh, I can’t believe it. I can’tbelieve I can’t remember the cat’s name.
Marilyn: The cat. The cat. It sent us that, uh,crossword puzzle book for Christmas.
Richard: Yeah! Yeah, yeah, the cat. I mean, Ican’t believe it. What’s the cat’s name? Wait. Thename – the name was on the Christmas card. Wait asecond. [remembering] “Happy Santa Claus Day from Ron… and …”
[But they draw a blank, continuing to moan and sighand contort their faces. As they struggle, breathingheavily, the apartment door opens and Ron appearscarrying his fluffy white cat.]
Ron: I thought I heard you two outhere!
Richard: [embarrassed] Hello, Ron.
Marilyn: [chuckles self-consciously]
Ron: [off the cat] I got somebody who wants tosay hello to you.
Marilyn: Ohhhh.
Ron: Come on in, come on in, come onin.
[Richard and Marilyn enter the apartment as Ronmentions their names (for the benefit of the cat?).Ron, a pleasant host, barely notices his guests’severe discomfort and numerous exchanged glancesthroughout the sketch.]
Ron: Marilyn. Dick.
[The couple sits on the sofa. Ron leans over betweenthem holding the cat.]
Richard: [jovially, off the cat] Hey, lookwho’s here.
Marilyn: Ah!
Richard: [jokingly] Gee, I don’t recognize thatcat.
Ron: [amused] No?
Richard: Who IS that cat?
Ron: [laughs, to Marilyn, off Richard] What akidder this guy is!
Richard: I don’t think I recall thatcat.
Marilyn: [playing along] Uh uh! Neither doI!
Richard: [takes cat from Ron] Hey, somebody’sgot a little bit bigger here.
Marilyn: Oh, yeah.
Richard: [inspecting the cat’s genitalia todetermine its gender] This, uh, this cat looks like,uh, she’s about ready to have kittens – or be thefather of kittens or something.
Ron: Nah, nah.
Richard: Can’t tell.
Ron: Nah, I’m just, uh, I’m feeding her moresteak and hamburger. You know.
Richard: Oh, she’s eatin’ steak? She didn’talways eat steak.
Ron: No, no, she didn’t.
Richard: When you – When you first started withher, you used to feed her–
Ron: Yeah? [takes back the cat] Come here, comeon.
Richard: What was it you used to say to her?You had something that you said and– Oh, ‘memberthat? What you used to say to her when you fedher?
Ron: I can’t believe you remember that.
Richard: Yeah, oh, yeah.
Marilyn: Yeah, yeah.
Ron: I can’t believe it.
Richard: Yeah.
Marilyn: Yeah.
Ron: I used to say …
Marilyn: Yeah?
Ron: [playfully, to the cat] “What do YOU wantfor DINNER?!”
[Marilyn forces a laugh, Richard looks downcast, rollshis eyes.]
Ron: That right?
Marilyn: Yeah. Do you still have those kittydishes you used to have?
Richard: [with gusto] With the name onit!
Ron: Yeah. Sure. I got her new ones,though.
Marilyn: Oh, new ones?!
Richard: Oh, you did? New ones? [excited] Canwe see ’em?!
Marilyn: Uh, in the kitchen, right?
Richard: Great! Let’s go in there!
[Richard and Marilyn bolt off the sofa and rush forthe kitchen but Ron intercepts them.]
Ron: No, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no.Don’t go in there. Don’t go in there. I’m preparingsomething very special for dinner, I don’t want you tosee. Back up. Back up.
[Richard and Marilyn reluctantly return to the sofaand sit.]
Marilyn: Oh, oh. It’s a surprise.
Ron: That’s it. I’m gonna go get the drinks.Okay? [hands Marilyn the cat as she and Richard nodand chuckle nervously] Okay, stingers, right?
Marilyn: All right. Right.
Ron: Okay!
[Ron exits, leaving Richard and Marilyn with the cat.They are extremely distressed as they wrack theirbrains.]
Richard: Okay, all right, it’s a name. I thinkit’s a human name. Uhhhh, uhhhh.
Marilyn: It’s on the DAMN DISH in thekitchen!
Richard: Ah, it’s a name. It’s the name of acartoon or a movie or something like that. [takes thecat, talks to it] Popeye?
Marilyn: No, no.
Richard: Popeye? Popeye?
Marilyn: No.
Richard: Damien?! Damien?!
Marilyn: No.
Richard: R2-D2?
Marilyn: No. No, no.
Richard: R2-D2?
Marilyn: No, no. Ah, Lolita!
Richard: It’ll come to us. It’ll come to us.
Marilyn: I’m going crazy. I can’t even thinkstraight.
[Ron returns with a tray of vodka stingers.]
Ron: Stingers!
Marilyn: [trying to summon enthusiasm] Allright!
Richard: Those look great.
Ron: Stingers!
Richard: Oh ho, those look good. Go forit.
Ron: Okay.
[Richard and Marilyn down their drinks instantly.]
Marilyn: Mmm.
Ron: [to the cat] None for you.
[Richard and Marilyn hand their empty glasses back toRon to get rid of him.]
Richard: Could I have another, please?
Marilyn: Yeah. Me, too.
Ron: [startled] Yeah. Sure. Sure.
[Richard and Marilyn chuckle nervously as Ronexits.]
Marilyn: I hate that cat.
Richard: My eyes are watering likecrazy!
[Richard and Marilyn pull fur off theirclothes.]
Marilyn: Look at my dress — it’s my favoritedress!
Richard: Your dress? [off the fur] Look atthis! Look at this! Look at this!
Marilyn: When we came in–
Richard: We’re gonna have to burn theseclothes. We’re gonna smell like cat urine andeverything else.
Marilyn: When we came in the door, did yousmell that? I mean, it almost knocked me over! Doesn’the ever change the litter box? It’s like a zoo inhere.
Richard: How old is this cat? Isn’t it gonnadie soon?
Marilyn: I don’t–
[Ron returns without the stingers.]
Ron: [explains, pleasantly] We’re gonna have togo get some more creme de menthe!
Marilyn: I love this kitty.
Ron: [picks up the cat] Come here,baby.
Richard: [sudden inspiration, to Ron] CAN I USEYOUR PHONE?!
Ron: Yeah. Sure.
Richard: Thank you!
Ron: Go ahead, Rich.
[Richard leaps up, runs to phone in background, anddials a number as Marilyn tries to get Ron out of theroom. She picks up Ron’s unfinished stinger.]
Marilyn: Uh, could I – could I have an olive inthis?
Ron: An olive? In – in a vodka stinger?
Marilyn: Yeah.
[Ron laughs and hands Marilyn the cat as he takes thestinger from her.]
Marilyn: It’s great.
Ron: Okay. [rises, heads for thekitchen]
Marilyn: It’s the best, it really is.
Ron: Ohhh, we’re havin’ some time, huh?
Marilyn: Yeah, havin’ some time.
[Ron exits.]
Richard: [into the phone, hushed voice] Jill!It’s Richard. [checks to see that Ron is gone] What’sRon’s cat’s name? No, no, no. That’s his – that’s hisex-wife. What is his cat’s name? Yeah, it’s a movie orsomething like that.
Marilyn: Call Andrea.
Richard: [into the phone] Would Andrea know?I’ll try her.
[Richard hangs up as Ron returns with the stinger forMarilyn.]
Richard: [intense, to Ron] MAY I MAKE ANOTHERPHONE CALL?!
Ron: [to Richard] Yeah, sure. Noproblem.
[Richard instantly picks up and dials as Ron handsMarilyn the drink.]
Marilyn: [to Ron] Thanks. [sips drink]
Ron: [chuckles]
Marilyn: [to Ron, off the drink] Oh, it’s greatnow.
Ron: [picks up the cat] Come here. Come here.Come back here.
Richard: [into the phone, hushed voice] Andrea?It’s Richard. I’m here with Ron. And his cat.
Ron: [to Marilyn] You wanna see somethin’great?
Marilyn: [to Ron] Yeah.
Richard: [into the phone, hushed voice] Hiscat. You know, the white cat.
Ron: [to Marilyn] If you say this cat’s name,she’ll smile at you.
Marilyn: [to Ron] Nooooo. Noooooo.
Richard: [into the phone, hushed voice] Youknow, you know, the cat that smiles when you say itsname, Andrea.
Ron: [to Marilyn] Yeah! Yeah! I swear.
Marilyn: [to Ron] Go on, say it!
Richard: [into the phone, hushed voice]Andrea…
Ron: [to Marilyn] No, no, no, no. I want YOU tosay it.
Marilyn: [to Ron] Nooooo, nooo, nooo.
Richard: [into the phone, hushed voice] Thewhite cat. Ron’s white cat that’s all over thehouse.
Ron: Go on. Go ahead and say it.
Marilyn: [to Ron] I don’t believe she can dothat.
Ron: [to Marilyn] She can do it. She can doit.
Richard: [into the phone, hushed voice]Andrea… [completely loses it, to the astonishment ofRon and Marilyn] What is the DAMN CAT’S NAME?! WHAT ISIT?! WHAT IS THE CAT’S NAME?! WHAT IS RON’S CAT’SNAME?! THE CAT THAT SMILES WHEN YOU SAY ITSNAME?! … BECAUSE I WANT IT TO SMILE,THAT’S WHY!!!! WHAT’S THE DAMN CAT’S NAME?![beat] THANK YOU!! [hangs up, suddenly affectionateand friendly, to the cat] Hello, Herman!
[Ron and Marilyn exchange happy glances and look atthe cat. Richard has apparently made Hermansmile.]
Ron: [to Richard] You did it!
Richard: [points to Herman] He smiled! He’ssmiling!
[Dissolve to a wider view of the set with cameras,mikes and the applauding crowd visible. A superimposedtext reads: Coming Up: JEAN HARRIS SHOOTING DR.J.]
[ open on interior, Bubba’s Wash Fayetta’s Dry, as the phone rings ]
Bubba Hightower: [ peeking out from behind a washing machine ] Fayetta, if that mouth of yours is empty for a change, could you grab the phone?
Fayetta Lurlene Dawson Hightower Dawson: You never used to talk to me like that when we was married.
Bubba Hightower: When we was married, you was home like you supposed to be, instead of hanging around here making me worry over you half to death. Now, come on!
[ she stands to answer the ringing payphone ]
Fayetta Lurlene Dawson Hightower Dawson: Fayetta’s Wash, Bubba’s Dry. Yeah, hold on. [ to Bubba ] It’s that mangy thing from the diner, wanting you to waste some more of your MONEY on her!
Bubba Hightower: First off — it’s BUBBA’S Wash and Fayetta’s Dry! You know that! And second of all, anybody who’s seeing one of the lowlife Watson Brothers ain’t got NO reason to come down on ME! Huh, Miss Priss? [ into the phone ] Hey, Pretty Girl! Shoot, you about to run me ragged. I can’t keep up with you, you feisty thing! Well, that’s Old Spice — I’ve been wearing it for years. Yeah, there are about thirty women right here now beating my door down, you know?
Fayetta Lurlene Dawson Hightower Dawson: Hey, why don’t you let ’em out?!
Bubba Hightower: Excuse me, Sweetheart, but that sorry excuse of an ex-wife of mine’s having one of her STUPID fits. And the only known cure is shoving another one of them Payday bars down that highway of a throat of hers. I’ll call you back, Sweetest of Mine. [ he hangs up ] Fayetta, there is only ONE reason you are here. And that is because some greenhorn judge gave you one half of my hard-earned, operated laundromat! Now, just keep to your one-half — the dryers… and I will keep to my one-half — the washers! Okay?
Fayetta Lurlene Dawson Hightower Dawson: No OKAY, Mr. Big Time! You keep to your dryers, and I’ll keep to my washers! What do you know about color-fast cottons?! You singlehandedly bleached the star right off Ed Carruthers’ Texaco shirt! She had to send all the way to Lobo for a new one!
Bubba Hightower: Oh, THAT’S it, Fayetta! [ he puts up his dukes ] Dig in! Come on, dig in! Dig in!
Fayetta Lurlene Dawson Hightower Dawson: Well, now you KNOW you never been the same since you got that shrapnel in your head! If I was you, I’d go SUE the U.S. Army and tell them to put your head back on right!
Bubba Hightower: Don’t start on my plate! My plate is MY plate! Don’t start on my plate!
Fayetta Lurlene Dawson Hightower Dawson: Did you tell your little piece of White Christmas trash that you can pick up pieces of PAUL HARVEY and bits and pieces of CLEVELAND without ever going near no radio?!
Bubba Hightower: She don’t — she don’t CARE about my plate! She cares about ME, Bubba Hightower! She don’t even know about no plate!
Fayetta Lurlene Dawson Hightower Dawson: Oh, she don’t even KNOW?!
Bubba Hightower: No!
Fayetta Lurlene Dawson Hightower Dawson: She don’t even know that if she takes up with YOU, she’s gonna be spending the night with Radio-Free Europe?! She don’t even know that she’s gotta line all your HATS with a HALF-INCH of industrial fiberglass?! And does she even CARE about who’s who in Phillipine nightlife?!
Bubba Hightower: [ fuming ] Well, at least I ain’t UGLY!! [ he turns his back ] — Like that Pillsbury Doughboy you’ve been serenading! Why don’t he wear clothes that fit? He get ’em from H.E.W., or something?
Fayetta Lurlene Dawson Hightower Dawson: Well!
Bubba Hightower: He always looks like ten pounds of potatoes in a five-pound sack!
Fayetta Lurlene Dawson Hightower Dawson: Well, now, Bubba, it don’t matter what he looks like on the outside, ’cause his insides is always PURE and UPLIFTING all the time!
Bubba Hightower: Oh, is thaaaat riiiiight? [ hopping around the room ] Is thaaaat riiight? Miss Fayetta. Lurlene. Dawson. Hightower. Dawson, again! Oh, well! I just happen to PICK UP that ol’ Watson boy — the fat doughboy — on my plate the other day, and he was talking about you — and what he said can’t be repeated by no Christian.
Fayetta Lurlene Dawson Hightower Dawson: What’d he say?
Bubba Hightower: No, Ma’am, I — I ain’t talking.
Fayetta Lurlene Dawson Hightower Dawson: Well, you was talking a MINUTE ago, Mr. Smarty! Now, OPEN your mouth and TALK!! I said TALK!!
Bubba Hightower: I said “No!”, Fayetta, and I think I’d better mean “No!” So go on, now, about your business and leave me alone.
[ Bubba crosses the room as Fayetta stands to retrieve laundry from a dryer ]
Fayetta Lurlene Dawson Hightower Dawson: Bubba? Was he making fun of me?
Bubba Hightower: [ fiddling with his wrench ] Yeah.
[ contemplative silence ]
Fayetta Lurlene Dawson Hightower Dawson: Yuo know what I miss most? Matching up your socks.
[ Bubba puts down his wrench and approaches Fayetta, smiling ]
Bubba Hightower: He don’t wear Old Spice, do he?
[ Fayetta shakes her head no ]
Bubba Hightower: Oh, damn it.
[ Bubba kneels down, kisses Fayetta passionately and crashes his back onto a dryer ]
[ the radio voice of Paul Harvey pipes into the air ]
Voice of Paul Harvey: Page Two — Cost of Living…
Bubba Hightower: Alright, quick, Fayetta — get my hat, will you?
Fayetta Lurlene Dawson Hightower Dawson: Well, now, you know absent-minded me — I threw ’em all away!
Bubba Hightower: I’ll kill you!
Fayetta Lurlene Dawson Hightower Dawson: Why don’t you tell your little piece of White Christmas trash to get a hat for you, honey!
Bubba Hightower: I’ll kill you! I swear, I’ll kill you! I’ll kill you! Where’s the hat?!
[ Bubba chases Fayetta around the table, as the camera pulls back with SUPER: “Coming Up: Celibacy: The New EXcuse” ]
