(Open on a still of a hospital where we see the superimposed text “Coming This Fall on NBC” in its coporate font with the NBC peacock logo on the bottom left corner of the screen. Jazzy, commanding music plays in the background)
Announcer V/O: They’re tough. They’re dedicated. They’re professionals who take their jobs seriously. They’re the self-righteous.
(Fade in on the hospital’s interior where we see the title card superimposed on the screen. The nurse at the front desk is seen talking on the phone. The title fades out as she hangs it up and a policeman walks in.)
Police Officer: Okay, look. I got to talk to that gunshot victim in there just for a few seconds, okay? I mean, it could help us get that killer off the streets.
Nurse: Well, forget it. That man in there is seriously injured. I’m a nurse and a damn good one and it’s my job to save lives, not play Cops and Robbers.
Police Officer: Oh, yeah? Well, maybe if you cooperated, there’d be some more people out there that you wouldn’t have to patch up later. I’m a cop, damn it! It’s my job to protect them! (A reporter walks in holding a pencil and a note pad )
Reporter: Yeah, Daily Press. Iwas wondering if–
Police Officer: No comments on this case.
Reporter: Hey, I don’t know what you’re covering up in there, but those people out there have a right to know! I’m a reporter! It’s my duty to tell them! A doctor runs in)
Doctor: Hey, hey. This is a hospital. There are people dying in there. Now, I don’t know what’s going on out here, but I’m reponsible for their lives. So, shut up! (Takes off his surgical mask)
Nurse: [sarcastically] Oh-ho. Oh-ho! Well, maybe if you spent a little less time dealing with microbes and dealt with people like me, then maybe you’d understand them.
Doctor: Understanding people doesn’t save their lives.
Reporter: Hey, while you two are standing there talking, there are people in there dying and people out there waiting for the truth.
Police Officer: Oh, yeah? Why don’t you try walking a beat, huh? (The reporter scoffs as the gunshot victim walks in)
Gunshot Victim: Hey, wait a minute! Don’t I have a say here? After all, it’s my body! I’m a patient here. I’m a human being with human rights (turns to the doctor) and for one, I demand the right to die with dignity.
Doctor: You only have a flesh wound.
Gunshot Victim: And two, I have the right–
Doctor: Don’t bore us with that stuff. Listen–
Gunshot Victim: Hey, don’t point at me. My mother’s dead.
(Everyone starts arguing as the music starts playing again)
Announcer V/O: Five tediously self-absorbed people. The Self-Righteous. Coming this fall on NBC, proud as a peacock.
(Fade to a black background with the NBC peacock with the text NBC PROUD AS A PEACOCK below)
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Miss Irene Cara!
[ Irene runs out and stands between the male dancers ]
Irene Cara: [ singing ] “Baby, look at me The girl who’s on TV Sing the same song every time Now you must know every rhyme by heart!
Grammys, Oscars, too I do Captain Kangaroo But you’re in good company If you’re bored, think of me!
It’s always the sa-ame! (Same!) I sing the same some forever! Next time, I may sing “Mame”! (Mame!) Suffer the least rejection And not have to wear these pants! (Pants!) I keep getting yeast infections This song has been always the same! (Same! Same! Same! Same! Same! Same! Same! Same!)
At the Golden Globes They ran short on stuff Oh no, that was really nice ‘Cause they made me sing it twice in a row!
Diana Ross, for sure Did not start out this way All the kids at 21 Get to go out and have fun!
But me, it’s the same! (Same!) I sing this song forever Just like some sci-fi film! (Shoo!) I play this lead on “Love Boat” I play bits without malice! (Same!) I sing this song, the nation Switches channels to “Dallas” (Dallas!) I wonder where all the fun went Let me tell you, just goes redundant! (Redundant! Redundant! Redundant! Redundant! Redundant! Redundant! Redundant!)
Remember my name! I wish I was Marie Osmond I think I’m going to flip! (Wow!) I could now sing “Aida” Get to wear clothes that unzip! (Wow!) I could not live forever Constantly bearing the shame! (Shame!) Of being the only human Who always sings exactly the same!
Exactly the same! (Same!)”
[ Irene and her back-up dancers stop, with their arms in the air ]
[ after a moment, the music kicks up again, and Irene and her back-up dancers hop off the stage and shimmy down the outer hall of Studio 8-H ]
[ open on exterior, Studio 8-H, as Chevy Chase enters the hallway to thunderous audience applause ]
[ Chevy approaches a Storeroom closet, looks around, then opens the door ]
[ as he does, Denny Dillon suddenly exits ]
Chevy Chase: What, uh — what happened to my dressing room?
Denny Dillon: Well, uh, Chevy, you see… NBC had to tighten their belts a little — you know, cut back on budget — so we all dress in there now.
Chevy Chase: Oh, yeah?
Denny Dillon: Turn off the light when you leave, okay?
Chevy Chase: Okay.
[ Denny walks away, the elongated feather in her hat tickling its way across Chevy’s nose, prompting him to sneeze into his hand helplessly ]
[ Chevy enters the storeroom to find 70’s-era SNL props and costumes ]
Chevy Chase: Oh, wow… [ he touches various props ] Coneheads… [ he spots his Land Shark head, covered in cobwebs ] Ah! [ he sticks his hand through the head and mumbles ] “Mrs….?”
[ suddenly, the sound of Mr. Bill mumbling in a trash heap can be heard, so Chevy digs him out of the pile of cobwebbed beer cans ]
Mr. Bill: Oh, boy! Chevy! Thanks a lot for taking me out of there! I didn’t think anyone would EVER find me!
Chevy Chase: Oh, Mr. Bill… what — what happened to you?
Mr. Bill: Oh, well, gee! We had a big party at the end of last season, and, oh, I guess I drank too much and I must have passed out!
Chevy Chase: Oh…
Mr. Bill: And when I came to, I was trapped in here and couldn’t get out!
Chevy Chase: Oh, you poor little fellow! Well, gee, everybody’s been wondering what the heck you’ve been doing!
Mr. Bill: That’s right! I was supposed to do a whole lot of important things before I got trapped in here. Boy, I bet Benjy is real mad at me — I was supposed to co-star with him in a movie! I sure hope they got a decent replacement.
Chevy Chase: [ stung ] Uh — it’s a SILLY idea anyway, Mr. Bill! [ he peels Mr. Bill’s nose off and tosses it over his shoulder ] I’m sure it wasn’t important
Mr. Bill: So, uh, Chevy, uh — am I late for the new season?
Chevy Chase: Well… yeah, you’re a little late, but they all are! [ he grabs Mr. Bill ] Gee, Mr. Bill…
Mr. Bill: Be careful.
Chevy Chase: I get this feeling they just don’t have the time for old-timers like us any more. The fans just don’t care that much.
Mr. Bill: Oh, now come on, Chevy! Don’t feel that way. Hey, look — we can make a comeback, huh? Hey, you know, they were even talking to me about anchoring “Weekend Update”! Say! Maybe you can do those funny faces behind me like you used to, huh? Hey, that’d be funny!
Chevy Chase: [ poking Mr. Bill roughly in the belly ] That’s a FUNNY idea! Ha ha ha ha! [ he tweaks Mr. Bill’s face viciously ]
Mr. Bill: Hey, wait! Hey, hey! Watch that! Hey, Chevy, come on!
Chevy Chase: I’ll tell you something, Mr. Bill — I don’t think they really care about slapstick any more. Hey, by the way — [ he begins to hammer Mr. Bill against his palm, the clay man’s head flying ]
Mr. Bill: Hey! Hey, wait! Hey, uh… Chevy… I’m down on the floor. Could you help me?
Chevy Chase: [ looking around ] Oh. Sorry, Mr. Bill. [ he picks up his clay head ] I almost lost you for a second!
Mr. Bill: Listen, Chevy, um — um —
Chevy Chase: You must be exhausted.
[ Chevy attempts to put Mr. Bill’s nose back, dislodging his head in the process ]
Mr. Bill: Listen, have you seen my dog, Spot, lately? I sent him for help last year!
Chevy Chase: Spot? I — I’ll look around.
[ Chevy takes a step back, as we hear a muffled dog bark ]
Chevy Chase: Whoa-oh!
Mr. Bill: Hey, what?! What was that Spot?
Chevy Chase: I don’t know. I stepped on something?
[ Chevy turns his shoe over to reveal a flattened Spot ]
Mr. Bill: Oh, noooo!!
Chevy Chase: Oh!
Mr. Bill: Hey, Chevy! You ought to be more careful where you step!
Chevy Chase: [ hopping around ] I — I can get him off! Don’t you worry about a thing.
[ Chevy grabs the Samurai sword to scrape Spot off his shoe ]
Mr. Bill: Hey, you watch that sword, Chevy!
Chevy Chase: I’ll just get him off, don’t worry.
Mr. Bill: No, no, watch out! Leave him alone!
Chevy Chase: [ losing his balance ] Tell you what, you relax here —
Mr. Bill: Hey, watch out, be careful!
Chevy Chase: I’m not gonna step on him again!
[ Chevy grabs a clothes rack and topples over backwards ]
Mr. Bill: Oh, nooooo!!! Ohhhhh!!!
[ crumpled amidst all the props, Chevy glances at the camera and shouts ]
Chevy Chase: “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”
[ open on Mike and Tim eating dinner at the table ]
Mike: Oh — I’ve had enough, I’m stuffed! That was the BEST scrambled eggs I’ve ever had, Tim. That was good.
Tim: The secret is to throw in a little minced onion.
Mike: Yeah? Well, I wish Louise could cook eggs like this, I’ll tell ya’.
Tim: By the way, how is Louise?
[ soap opera music flourishes ]
Mike: Louise? She’s, uh — she’s fine. Why? I just took her to a movie last night. We went to see “Cannibal Women”. Have you seen that? Real boring.
Tim: What about your dance committee?
[ soap opera music flourishes ]
Mike: What about the dance committee?
Tim: Madge told me she had to help Louise last night with some dance committee problems.
Mike: No, no. There’s no problem with the dance committee.
Tim: Madge said she had to go over to your HOUSE, to help Louise with some problems with the DANCE committee!
Mike: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah… the dance committee. Look, uh — I’ll tell you, uh — I went to bed early, so she must have come in after I went to bed, Tim…
Tim: [ standing ] DAMMIT, Mike! [ music sting ] Don’t cover for her! Don’t you start lying to me, too, okay?! You expect your best friend to tell you the truth!
Mike: Look, Tim. I mean, how was I supposed to —
Tim: Shh!
[ the music flourishes as Madge, a monkey, enters the kitchen and climbs on the table ]
Mike: Morning, Madge. You’re looking, uh — you’re looking well. I was just telling Tim you were — Louise and I are joining a health club next week. Maybe you’d like to join us, or… maybe you wouldn’t.
[ Tim kisses Madge on the cheek ]
Mike: Well, look, Tim, I gotta get running, okay? I can’t hang around. Madge, it was nice seeing you again, take care. Uh, I gotta run. I’ll see you later.
[ Mike exits the house, as Madge pells a banana and drops the peel on the floor ]
Tim: Weren’t you the least bit surprised to see Mike Short here this morning? [ music sting ] No? Don’t you have anything to say for yourself?
[ Madge ignores Tim and peels another banana ]
Tim: Why is it, that whenever I confront you with ANYTHING like this, you say nothing? Look, I’m sorry. I’m not trying to control your life, I… I just want to know what you were doing until four in the morning. That’s right, I was awake when you came in last night. I heard you stumbling around downstairs. You, of all people, stumbling. Were you drunk? Were you high on some sort of drug?
[ Madge grabs the lid of a sugar bowl and begins to sniff it ]
Tim: Madge — [ cracking up ] Madge, don’t you see what I’m trying to DO here?! I’m trying to save our MARRIAGE! I’m trying to save our FAMILY!
[ suddenly, crying is heard offscreen ]
[ soap opera music flourishes ]
Tim: Maggie’s awake.
[ Tim exits the kitchen ]
[ he re-enters with a baby monkey who’s desperately trying to hold onto the stagehand behind the setpiece, to the point of yanking both of them back behind the setpiece ]
[ Tim returns to the table alone, as the baby monkey screeches off-camera ]
[ cut back to catch the stagehand pushing the baby monkey back onto the set ]
[ Tim picks up the baby monkey, as the audience erupts into thunderous applause ]
Tim: Now you’re trying to turn our child against me! [ he puts the baby monkey on the floor, then turns to Madge ] Look at you! Look at the bags under your eyes! Madge, when is this nightmare going to end? And what about your mother? If this marriage were to break up, it would kill her. It’s the same thing… every morning, you’re too tired because you’ve been out half the night. What have you been telling her?
[ the phone rings ]
Tim: Of course, I’ll have to get it, right?
[ Tim answers the phone to a monkey screeching on the line ]
Tim: Hello? Hello? Who is this? Hello? Hello!
[ the monkey on the line hangs up ]
[ Madge purses her lips ]
Tim: He hung up! Madge, he hung up! Who was that man?! [ dramatic soap opera music soars ] Madge! I… can’t take this any more! [ crying ] Who was that man?! Is there somebody else?
Announcer: Tune in next week, for the continuing saga… “I Married a Monkey”.
…..Chevy Chase …..Christopher Reeve …..Robin Williams
(Open on Robin Williams, Chevy Chase, and Christopher Reeve standing together on home base. Chevy admiringly has his arms around the two other men)
Chevy Chase: Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a few extra seconds here and I just want to say a few words about–
(Chevy gets interupted by cheers and applause as he smiles and takes a bow while Robin makes a comedic gesture with his arm)
Chevy Chase: I just want to say for a few seconds about “Saturday Night Live”. Uh, it’s had its ups and downs. It’s had some great hosts. Uh, it’s uh…well, it’s on its way back up again and I know that some of my good friends are gonna back me up with that and I thank them for being with me tonight. Thank you for backing me and thanks for being with me.
(Robin and Christopher look at Chevy disapprovingly)
Christopher Reeve: [shaking his head] No, no.
Robin Williams: Uh, thanks. (They both walk off the stage)
Chevy Chase: Please? (points at the camera) I have friends. I have friends that will back me. Okay, how about Jr. Walker. Won eight gold records. You want to hear him? (Cheers and applause) All right. Okay.
Spokesman: Are you thinking about a career in television? In the exciting world of TV, it’s important to be prepared and look your sharpest whenever on camera! That’s why the FIRST step to a successful career in broadcasting is the Famous Broadcaster’s School of Cue Card Reading!
[ pull out to reveal the school’s sign on back wall ]
Spokesman: [ frequently glancing off-camera as he makes his pitch ] It’s a real art reading cue cards without letting the viewers at home know you’re doing it! I know it’s hard to believe… but I’m reading a cue card RIGHT NOW! That’s because I studied at the Famous Broadcaster’s School of Cue Card Reading! It’ll appear you’re looking STRAIGHT into the camera when you say things like “Hello!” and “Welcome to our show!” If you join now, you’ll receive a 10% discount to our affiliate: the Cable TV School of Camera Switching! Yeeeeeesss, the Cable TV SChool of Camera Switching! You’ll know what camera to look into —
[ he turns his head to glance at the camera currently on him, then the control room switches to the camera angle he was facing before ]
Spokesman: — and when!
[ he turns back to the appropriate camera, as the control room switches back to the other camera angle ]
Spokesman: Looks easy, doesn’t it? [ he keeps adjusting his head to find the correct camera ] That’s the Famous Broadcaster’s School of Cue Card Reading! Plus a 10% discount to the Cable TV School of Camera Switching! Join now! Here’s how!
[ cut to close-up of cue card with school address ]
Cue Card Boy: Send your name and address to:
“The Famous Broadcaster’s School of Cue Card Reading Post Office Box 100 New York, New York 9-double 9-99!”
[ as the camera pulls back to reveal the cue card boy, he keeps looking between the camera and his own cue card ]
[ the camera pullback also reveals the Spokesman standing off to the side, and the camera angle remains static ]
Spokesman: Not affiliated with the Columbia Broadcast System!
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 6: Episode 13 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos: April 11th, 1981 None Jr. Walker & The All-Stars Chevy Chase Al Franken Christopher Reeve Robin Williams SNL Storage RoomSummary: Chevy Chase finds Mr. Bill in storage, and the two reminisce about SNL’s old days until he accidentally falls and crushes the clay man. Transcript
MontageNote: After going on hiatus for a few weeks, SNL returned with a late-season face lift, courtesy of its new producer, Dick Ebersol, who ordered a revamped opening montage that features the theme song from SNL’s first five seasons. Note: Dick Ebersol wanted to hire John Candy and Catherine O’Hara away from “SCTV”, but Candy wasn’t interested and O’Hara, who had accepted at first, turned the offer down upon witnessing Michael O’Donoghue’s rant over the sixth season’s poor writing. In Candy and O’Hara’s place, “SCTV” co-stars Robin Duke and Tony Rosato crossed over to SNL instead. Note: An actress named Emily Prager is credited as a featured player, yet she doesn’t appear in this episode and isn’t brought back for the following season. She was to have appeared in a commentary during “Weekend Update”, which was cut from the live broadcast, making her the only credited cast member to never appear on SNL.
Frank SinatraSummary: Frank Sinatra (Joe Piscopo) bashes Japan and promotes the purchase of American cars. Recurring Characters: Frank Sinatra. Transcript
Lite BeerSummary: Bill Cosby (Eddie Murphy) promotes Lite Beer to kids in a bar. Recurring Characters: Bill Cosby.
I Married A MonkeySummary: Tim (Tim Kazurinsky) accuses his monkey wife, Madge, of having an affair. Recurring Characters: Tim. Transcript
Jr. Walker & The All Stars perform “Road Runner” and “Shotgun”
Weekend Update with Chevy ChaseSummary: Film critic Raheem Abdul Muhammed (Eddie Murphy) confuses “Altered States” with “Stir Crazy.” Laurie Metcalf asks people on the street if they would take a bullet for the president. Al Franken makes disparaging comments about SNL’s disastrous sixth season, and suggests that the show should be put to sleep. Recurring Characters: Raheem Abdul Mohammed. Transcript
SameSummary: Irene Cara (Gail Matthius) sings a parody about her similar-sounding musical selections. Transcript
The Self-RighteousSummary: NBC’s newest series focuses on a group of holier-than-thou characters. Transcript
Frank’s Wedding DaySummary: Italian Papa (Tony Rosato) gives his son, Frank (Tim Kazurinsky), advice about love and women on his wedding day. Recurring Characters: Frank, Papa.
The Famous Broadcasters School Of Cue Card ReadingSummary: Spokesman (Joe Piscopo) advertises a school that help broadcasters to poorly read lines off of cue cards. Transcript
SNL is ImprovingSummary: Chevy Chase insists that SNL is improving tonight, but Christopher Reeve and Robin Williams disagree. Transcript
Jr. Walker & The All Stars perform “How Sweet It Is” and “What Does It Take”
Wild Country Gun CardsSummary: The firearms facts on the Wild Country Gun Cards bring a family together.
Bag LadySummary: Voiceover’s critique the actions of a bad lady (Denny Dillon) in a pre-filmed piece. Note: Dick Ebersol suckered Neil Levy into taking credit for this film.
GoodnightsSummary: Irene Cara (Gail Matthius) performs a reprise of “Same” as the credits roll. Transcript
Author…..Bill Murray Helen Stewart #1/Mrs. Lawnsdale/Maid…..Ann Risley Helen Stewart #2…..Denny Dillon Mr. Lawnsdale…..Charles Rocket Mr. Stewart…..Matthew Laurance
[ open on Author seated at typewriter on a darkened set ]
Author: [ reciting ] “Love Is Rough — Chapter One”.
[ the set lights up ]
Author: “It was a beautiful night.” No. “It was a dark and stormy night.”
[ lightning flashes outside ]
Author: “Helen Stewart strode into her library… and caught her reflection in the mirror.”
[ Helen Stewart enters to the center of the room, looks around for the mirror and runs toward it ]
Author: “Short, cute, and blonde as a button.”
[ Helen #1 throws her arms up in disgust and trades places with the more appropriate Helen #2 ]
Author: “Just then, there was a knock at the door!”
[ a knock sounds at the door — Helen #2 runs over ]
Author: “It was Mr. and Mrs. Lawnsdale, coming over for their weekly bridge game.”
[ Helen opens the door to Mr. and Mrs. Lawnsdale ]
Author: No, that’s no good. Let’s get Mrs. Lawnsdale out of there.
[ Mrs. Lawnsdale throws up her arms in disgust and exits the room ]
Author: “It was just Carl Lawnsdale.” That’s it! “– who was Helen’s secret lover.”
[ Mr. Lawnsdale goes to shake Helen’s hand, but then pulls her closer to him ]
Author: “Unable to restrain themselves any longer, they fell into a passionate embrace.”
[ Mr. Lawnsdale bends over to kiss Helen ]
Author: “–on the couch.”
[ Mr. Lawnsdale wraps Helen in his arms and hops her over to the couch ]
Author: “Carl moaned aloud:”
Mr. Lawnsdaler: Helen!
Author: “– and Helen moaned back:”
Helen: Carl!
[ they grunt in unison ]
Author: “But fate was not on their side. Because, at that moment, who should come rushing into the room, but Helen’s husband!”
[ Helen’s husband enters the room, as Helen and Mr. Lawnsdale bolt upright from the couch ]
Author: “– a tragic cripple from birth.”
[ the scene resets, as Helen’s husband hobbles comically into the room ]
Author: No, that’s no good. No, no, no, no — he was BLIND! “He was blind.”
[ Helen’s husband sits next to Helen and Mr. Lawnsdale on the couch and begins to motion his hands over their faces ]
Author: “Blinded with jealousy.”
[ Helen’s husband stands and steps back from the couple ]
Author: And, uh, “– pulled a GUN from his pocket and furiously snarled:”
Mr. Stewart: I don’t know WHICH of you to SHOOT!!
Author: “He chose his wife.”
[ the Jilted Husband shoots his wife — gun shot ]
Author: “She screamed –“
[ the Wife screams upon being shot ]
Author: “– and fell to the couch.”
[ she starts to fall away from the couch, but Mr. Lawnsdale pulls into the other direction and allows her to fall to the couch ]
Author: No, that’s no good. “Instead, he lets Old Man Lawnsdale have it.”
[ the Jilted Husband shoots Mr. Lawnsdale — gun shot ]
Author: Yeah, that’s it. “He — Lawnsdale falls to the ground.”
[ Mr. Lawnsdale falls to the ground ]
Author: No, no, that’s no good. He, uh — he, uh — “He falls backwards over the couch and slams his head through the Plate-Glass window.”
[ Mr. Lawnsdale looks toward the author like he’s insane, but complies with the storyline and sprawls across the edge of the couch and slams his head through the Plate-Glass window — glass shatters ]
Author: No, I don’t like that, either. “Instead, he staggers around the room, wildly, blindly.” [ Mr. Lawnsdale stands up and staggers ] “Finally, smashing against the bookcase, pulling the entire works of Leo Tolstoy down on his crumpled, lifeless body.”
[ Mr. Lawnsdale staggers into the bookcase, cradles the books into his arms and falls to the ground ]
Author: That’s good. Okay: “Helen is horrified, and lets out a scream.”
[ Helen screams ]
Author: “– a blood-curdling scream.”
[ Helen turns her scream up a notch ]
Author: “The most blood-curdling scream ever heard in the history of man.”
[ Helen screams with full intensity ]
Author: Okay, that’s it. “She belches and storms out of the room.”
[ Helen forces a burp and runs from the room gasping with her arms outstretched ]
Author: Uh — “Mr. Stewart laughs maniacally.”
[ he laughs maniacally ]
Author: “– and then slams himself right in the center of his foreheart with his right fist.”
[ confused, Mr. Stewart punches himself in the chest and the forehead ]
Author: Yeah! “Just then, alarmed by the noises coming from the room, the maid, Mimi van Boom rushes in.”
[ a pretty maid enters ]
Author: “She is pitifully old and ugly! no one can stand the sight of her! She smells and she stinks!”
[ Mr. Stewart cowers away, as the Maid slouches toward him ]
Author: “No one can stand her, that is, except Mr. Stewart, who is desperately in love with her.”
[ Mr. Stewart drops to one knee before the maid ]
Author: “– despite the fact that she sneezes constantly, has a tubercular cough, drools all over him, and brushes her dandruff into his face.”
[ the Maid performs all these disgusting habits over Mr. Stewart ]
Author: “But fate was NOT on their side! For at that moment, WHO should come dashing into the room… but HELEN!”
[ Helen rushes into the room ]
Author: She let out a yelp:”
[ Helen yelps ]
Author: Uh — “The discovered livers — l-l-l-livers — lovers — the LOVERS! — freeze in panic!”
[ the scene freezes, as the Author contemplates what he has written ]
Author: Let’s see… I don’t know about this. Let’s go over it.
[ Mr. Stewart drops the maid to the floor ]
[ he rips the page from the typewriter, as the characters collect themselves and exit the set ]
Author: Alright. [ reading ] “It was a beautiful night.” No, no, no. “It’s a dark and stormy night.” [ lightning strikes ] Uh — “Helen comes into the room, she sees herself in the mirror –” [ the maid runs into the room and toward the mirror ] “She’s short, blonde, and cute as a button.” [ the Maid runs off as Helen takes her position ] “There’s a knock at the door.” [ a knock sounds from the door ] “It’s Mr. and Mrs. Lawnsdale –” No, no. “It’s just Carl Lawnsdale.” [ Mr. Lawnsdale enters the room ] “They’re secret lovers, they embrace, they fall on the couch — they moan, he moans, she moans.” [ moaning and grunting from the couch ] Uh — “Enter the husband.” [ Mr. Stewart enters ] “He’s crippled…” Uh, no, no, no, no. “He’s blind.” [ Mr. Stewart hobbles to the couch, then feels his wife’s face ] Uh — “He pulls out the gun, he shoots her, she falls on the couch.” [ Helen is shot ] No, no, no. “He shoots him!” [ Mr. Lawnsdale is shot ] “He falls on the ground…” No, no, no, no! “He falls backward over the couch and slams into the Plate-Glass window…” [ Mr. Stewart steps around the couch and smaskes the window with his fist ] No, that’s not right, either. “He staggers over the room, he falls over, goes into the bookcase, pulls down the books of Leo Tolstoy on the shelf.” [ Mr. Stewart falls from the bookcase ] “Just then, Helen belches and runs out of the room.” [ she runs ] “The man laughs, but maniacally punches himself in the head.” [ he laughs ] “The old bag maid comes into the room.” [ the Maid rushes in ] “She’s old, she’s ugly, she stinks, she smells, she drools, she dribbles, she rubs her dandruff all over his face. He loves her.” [ they embrace wildly ] Uh — “Then a woman comes into the room, she yelps!” [ Helen yelps ]
[ the Author glances at this trash ]
Author: I don’t like this. It’s too artsy!
[ he crumples his page and puts a new sheet into the typewriter ]
Author: I need a whole new approach, I think. Let’s see… [ he types ] “I Gave My Heart to the Czar — Chapter One”.
[ the lights dim, as the characters exit the set ]
Bud Slim…..Neil Levy Nick Rivers…..Bill Murray …..Paul Shaffer Sid…..Eddie Murphy Mary Kay Lady #1…..Denny Dillon Mary Kay Lady #2…..Gail Matthius Marlene Cooper…..Yvonne Hudson
[ open on Bud Slim performing a card trick for a group of patrons on a riverboat ]
Bud Slim: So this guy says to me: “Hey, kid, come here! Let me see that deuce again.” I said, “Sure.” But the deuce had become… THREE aces. [ he holds up three aces ]
[ the crowd cheers, as Nick Rivers rushes out ]
Nick Rivers: Let’s hear it for him! Our own Bud Slim. Let’s hear it for him!
[ Bud Slim exits ]
Nick Rivers: [ singing ] “Ohhhh, sailing! Takes me awayyyyy to where I want to be…”
Oh, heck! I’m not gonna sing one of his songs, because the guy just walked out of town with all the Grammys! I’m talking about Chris Cross, of course. Hi! My name is Nick Rivers. I want to welcome you all to the Paddlewheel Lounge aboard the Riverboat Queen, and what a MAJESTIC lady she is as she plies the Mighty Mississippi. We’re awfully, awfully sorry about the engine trouble that developed upstream, and it’s too bad because we HAD hoped to be in New Orleans for Mardi Gras, but, unfortunately, we’re gonna be two-and-a-half days late. Well, sorry. No big deal! But, hey — I think that the Mardi Gras we had at the dock in Cincinnati was just as good, and I mean that. [ looking toward the crowd ] Hey, here’s our good buddy Sid now, with another round of juleps. How you doing, Brother Man?
Sid: Hey, what’s happening, Rick?
Nick Rivers: Hey, how about a fresh Scotch for me?
Sid: Oh, sorry, Rick. I checked it out, man, you gotta pay for your drinks.
Nick Rivers: [ he sighs ] Okay, well, thanks for trying anyway, okay? Appreciate it. Hey, everybody, take care of Sammy, because he’s had a tough life. You know, he’s a character…
[ singing ] “Who left a good job down in the city He pumped a lot of tank down in New Orleans But the dude never saw the good side of the city ‘Til he hitched a ride aboard the Riverboat Queen. Oh! Big wheel keep on turnin’ Oh, Proud Mary keep on burnin’ He be rollin’ He be rollin’! Said that dude be rollin’ on the river!”
[ the crowd applauds ]
Nick Rivers: You know, the South is known for its lovely, lovely, lovely ladies, and I know a couple of genuine Southern belles when I see them. [ he kneeles before two women at a table ] Tell us — where you all from?
Mary Kay Lady #1: Uh — Richton, Minnesota.
Nick Rivers: [ he chuckles ] Wild guess — you two… are SISTERS!
Mary Kay Lady #1: [ she chuckles ] Oh, no — actually, we’re, uh, southern Minnesota representatives for Mary Kay Cosmetics.
Mary Kay Lady #2: We just got back from a big meeting in Cincinnati, and we met Mary Kay herself — and I gotta tell you, she’s an inspiration!
Mary Kay Lady #1: After all thee years, she still has the face and figure of a teenager.
Nick Rivers: Her? What abot you two? [ the ladies gush ] Come on, hey! If anybody’s gonna score on this trip, it’s gonna be at this table, and you know it! You know, you ladies might be interested to know that tomorrow we stop at historic Vicksburg, the site of the famous Siege of 1863, or 4, or 5, or 61 or 62, one of those years — not really sure — when the grand ladies of the South, in order to survive, were forced to eat rat flesh. Wow. True story.
[ Sid re-enters the room ]
Nick Rivers: Uh, Sid — how about some of those teeny little weiners, for the girls at Mary Kay. Can we have that, please? Hey, what the heck — bring teeny weiners for everybody, okay? [ to the crowd ] Life is a party, huh?
[ singing ] “Now’s the time to come together It’s up to you, WHAT’S your pleasure? Everyone around the world, COME HOME! It’s a celebration! Come on, Pablo!”
[ Nick leans over Paul’s piano as they sing together ]
“Celebrate good times, COME HOME! Celebrate good times, COME HOME!”
Nick Rivers: [ singing ] “It’s a cel-e-braaaaaaa-tion!”
[ the crowd cheers ]
Nick Rivers: Yeah, thank you! You know, this has been a year for celebration. How about those… hostages coming home? Come on, applause! [ the crowd applauds ] You know, I got a little surprise for ya’. The Captain tells me that we have a very special guest onboard… and I would like you all to meet her: One of the original American hostages in Iran… Miss Marlene Cooper. [ grabbing Marlene’s hand ] Come on, stand up, would you please, Marlene? Stand up. [ she stands ] EVERYBODY, UP! EVERYBODY UP! EVERYBODY UP, DAMMIT!! COME ON!! [ the crowd stands and applauds ] Okay, everybody down. Everybody down! [ the crowd sits ] Thank you. Welcome home, Marlene.
Marlene Cooper: Thanks.
Nick Rivers: The Lord’s been good to you, huh? I guess it must be pretty sweet to be back in the U.S.A., huh?
Marlene Cooper: Well… I’ve been home for about a year now.
Nick Rivers: [ taken aback by this news ] Oh, I see. You’re one of the Black hostages they sent back early.
Marlene Cooper: Yes. Well, they only held us for about four weeks.
Nick Rivers: Oh, I’m sorry. That’s kind of a tough break — no parade, no yellow ribbon, no welcome home whatsoever. That must have been a pretty tough… experience for you. Well, let me see if I can try a little… [ he kisses her forehead ] rescue, something for you.
[ singing ] “There ain’t nothin’ I can do! Ain’t nothin’ I can say! I’m comin’ to your emotional rescue. Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh! Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh!”
Thank you, thank you! You know, I’ve played most of the towns on this here river. I’ve been up and down this river, played most of the towns, but, unfortunately, I can’t go back to most of them. But Nick Rivers isn’t going to be floating on this river forever. I’m hoping like any entertainer, to get that… [ he crosses his fingers ] big break, in that big town where it’s all happening.
[ singing ] “Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand!! If I can make it there I’m gonna make it Any-wherrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrreeee!! It’s, up, to, yooooooouuu, Neeeeeeew Or-leans Neeeeewwwww Or-leeeeeeeeans!”
Thank you!
[ camera pulls up and pans into the audience, stopping at a man with SUPER: “Ato Crash Test Dummy” ]
Air Date:
Summary: Frank Sinatra (Joe Piscopo) bashes Japan and promotes the purchase of American cars.
Summary: Bill Cosby (Eddie Murphy) promotes Lite Beer to kids in a bar.
Summary: Film critic Raheem Abdul Muhammed (Eddie Murphy) confuses “Altered States” with “Stir Crazy.” Laurie Metcalf asks people on the street if they would take a bullet for the president. Al Franken makes disparaging comments about SNL’s disastrous sixth season, and suggests that the show should be put to sleep.
Summary: Italian Papa (Tony Rosato) gives his son, Frank (Tim Kazurinsky), advice about love and women on his wedding day.
Summary: The firearms facts on the Wild Country Gun Cards bring a family together.
Summary: Voiceover’s critique the actions of a bad lady (Denny Dillon) in a pre-filmed piece.
