Month: October 2018

Saturday Night Live Transcripts

Season 5: Episode 18

79r: Bob Newhart / The Amazing Ryhthm Aces, Bruce Cockburn

Dave’s Variety Store written by: Matt Neuman

Dave…..Bob Newhart
Betty….Gilda Radner
Pete…..Bill Murray
Ruth…..Laraine Newman
Harry…..Harry Shearer
Mrs. Parker…..Jane Curtin
Tom…..Tom Davis
Garrett…..Garrett Morris
Isaac Stern’s nephew…..Paul Shaffer
Alan…..Alan Zweibel

[ open on interior, Dave’s Varuety Store, as the phone rings ]

Dave: [ answering phone ] Hello! Dave’s Variety Store. Oh, hi, Katie. No, things are kinda slow today. As a matter of fact, your mom and I were thinking of closing up soon. I will. Good night, sweetheart. [ he hangs up ]

Betty: [ entering from back room ] I, uh, put those boxes out in the back, honey.

Dave: Oh, good, we could use the room.

[ Pete and Ruth enter the shop ]

Ruth: Hi!

Pete: Hi, Dave. Hi, Betty.

Dave: Hey, hi, Pete! Hi, Ruth! How are you two today?

Ruth: Terrific!

Pete: Yeah, everything’s just fine, Dave. Say, Dave — would you have any of those… [ miming with his hands ] glass prisms? You know, those things that you hold up to the sunlight, and it breaks the light into rainbows?

Dave: [ thinking ] Yeah… yeah, I think we do.

Betty: Yeah! How many do you want, Pete?

Pete: Oh, two would be great, Betty.

Betty: Oh. [ she grabs two glass prisms ] There you go.

Pete: Hey, what do I owe you for these?

Dave: Uh… let’s say five dollars.

Pete: [ taking out his money ] That’s all I’ve got! Great! Thanks, Dave!

Ruth: Maybe we’ll get together this weekend?

Betty: Oh, I’ll give you a call! [ she wraps up the glass prisms ]

Ruth: Oh, great!

Pete: Thanks again!

[ Pete and Ruth exit ]

Dave: Honey, why don’t we go to a restaurant tonight?

Betty: Oh, not tonight, Dave. I mean, I just have that half-a-roast in the refrigerator.

[ Harry enters the shop ]

Dave: Hi. What can I do for you?

Harry: Well, I’ve been running all over town trying to find a copy of “Oh My Pappa” by Eddie Fisher. Any chance that you would have it?

Dave: Sure… sure, we got it. [ to Betty ] Honey, you know where “Oh, My Pappa” is, don’t you?

Betty: Oh, I’ll get it! [ she exits to the back room ]

Dave: Been having a hard time finding that record, huh?

Harry: Oh, you wouldn’t believe it! I mean, not one store has had it in stock in twenty years. The darn thing’s been out-of-stock since 1956!

Betty: [ re-enters with the record ] Here you go!

Harry: [ examining it ] You really do have it! That’s amazing! How much is it?

Dave: Uh — four dollars.

Harry: Sounds good to me! [ he pays ] Wait’ll my wife hears this!

Betty: [ she hands him his change ] There you go.

Harry: Thank you! [ he exits ]

Betty: Oh, uh, Dave? Did I tell you that Mrs. Parker called?

Dave: [ glancing outside ] Speak of the Devil!

[ Mrs. Parker enters ]

Dave: Hi, Mrs. Parker!

Mrs. Parker: Hey!

Dave: We were just talking about you.

Mrs. Parker: [ pleased ] Oh! Is it ready?

Dave: As ready as it’ll ever be. [ she giggles, as he pulls up a balloon ] Here you go — a pink balloon filled with pretzels. It was pretzels?

Mrs. Parker: [ examinging it ] Ohhh, yes… yes, it’s wonderful! I don’t know what I would do without you two.

Betty: Oh, you’re sweet, Mrs. Parker!

Dave: You, uh — you want me to put this on your account, of course?

Mrs. Parker: Mmm-hmm. Well, I’ll see you again soon, which will be the next time Ray lets me take the car! [ she exits, as Dave chuckles heartily ]

Betty: She’s something, isn’t she?

Dave: A real lulu!

Betty: Now it’s pink balloons!

Dave: [ he chuckles ] Honey, uh — do we have to have that roast tonight?

[ Tom steps up and clears his throat, as Betty points him out ]

Dave: Uh — yes, sir?

Tom: Yeah, uh… I was curious — do you have a machine to wash dirty poker chips? [ he pulls chips from his pocket ]

Dave: Y-yes, we do. But it shuts down at five o’clock, and it’s almost six now.

Tom: Oh.

Dave: Uh — unless you’re interested in buying a machine.

Tom: No, no, no… I can come back tomorrow. What I was really interested in was, uh — do you have a large medieval crossbow made out of white chocolate?

Dave: I, uh, I believe so. Uh, Betty, get me that chocolate crossbow — the white chocolate.

Betty: Oh. Right.

Dave: It’s wrapped in foil!

Betty: Uh-huh!

Dave: I hope you don’t mind?

Tom: No, are you kidding? What do I owe you for this?

Dave: That’ll be, uh, nineteen dollars and fifty-seven cents.

Tom: Yeah… yeah. [ he hands over his money ]

Dave: Okay.

Betty: [ returns ] Here you go!

Tom: Ahhhh!

Betty: Good eating to ya’!

Tom: Great!

Dave: [ hands over his change ] Here you go.

Tom: Thank you very much! [ he exits ]

Betty: Dave, uh — there’s only two of the white chocolate ones left.

Dave: Oh, boy… Okay, I’d better order some more. How are we doing on the, uh, bittersweet ones?

Betty: Oh, that’s okay — we’re alright on the bittersweet.

[ Garrett enters ]

Dave: Yes, sir?

Garrett: Yeah. [ he pulls out a shopping list ] Uh, here we go, let’s see… oh, here! Here it is! [ reading ] I’d like one dead turtle, frozen in a block of ice… Uh… and…

Dave: [ glancing back ] Honey, you want to bring out the frozen turtle?

Betty: Right! [ she exits into the storeroom ]

Garrett: I want a half-a-television… Isaac Stern’s nephew… a square basketball… a #4 pencil… a dozen Dewey buttons…

Dave: [ chuckling ] Whoa, whoa! You gotta go one item at a time here! Uh — that was half a TV?

Garrett: Yeah, yeah… half a television.

Dave: [ reaching under the counter ] Okay, here you go… [ he pulls up half of a television ] Got that right there.

Garrett: Oh, yeah, yeah!

Dave: Okay, and, uh… Isaac Stern’s nephew.

Garrett: Isaac Stern’s nephew, yep!

Dave: [ calling out ] Honey, while you’re down there, bring up the Stern kid, will ya’?

Betty: Dave! Dave! Which one?

Dave: Oh! Uh, I forgot to ask you — Jeff or Mark?

Garrett: Oh! Jeff! Definitely Jeff, man!

Dave: [ calling out ] Jeff!

Betty: Alright!

Garrett: I want the label.

Dave: And that was…?

Garrett: A #4… no, no, I changed my mind. Give me — instead of the #4 pencil — uh, give me two square basketballs.

Dave: You’re the customer!

Garrett: Right. Yeah.

[ Dave places two square basketballs on the counter ]

Dave: Here you go.

Betty: [ returns with Isaac Stern’s nephew in tow ] Okay! Here you go, Sir! He’s a little dusty, but… [ she laughs ]

Dave: I hope you got $32 on you, because that’s what all this is gonna come to.

Garrett: Oh, I do… and I am very glad to pay it! [ he hands over his money ]

Dave: Come again.

Betty: Uh — here, Sir, I’ll help you with the Stern kid. Come on.

Garrett: Thank you very much.

Isaac Stern’s Nephew: So long, folks!

Betty: There you go.

Isaac Stern’s Nephew: Bye bye.

Betty: You have a car?

Garrett: Yeah, we got it. [ he exits ]

Betty: Alright. Bye bye. [ to Dave ] God knows what he’s gonna do with that frozen turtle!

Dave: [ laughing ] You know what, Betty? It’s, uh… We should close up.

Betty: Yeah. Well, you’d better call the distributor before we leave, we’re getting low on a few things.

Dave: Yeah.

[ as Betty flips the Open-Closed sign around, Alan tries to enter the shop ]

Betty: Sir, I’m terribly sorry — we’re closed!

Alan: [ frantic ] I need one thing — please, I need one thing. Please?

Betty: Well, what? What?

Alan: I need a propeller beanie. Please! I need it bad!

Betty: Propeller beanie?

Alan: Yeah.

Betty: [ she grabs one ] Alright, here you go. It’s right there.

Alan: [ he spins the propeller, then places the beanie over his head ] Oh, this is terrific! Oh, great.

Betty: Uh — two dollars.

Alan: [ he pays ] Thanks a lot, lady! Thanks a lot. [ he exits ]

Betty: You’re welcome. Uh-huh. Bye bye. [ she locks the door ]

Dave: [ on the phone ] Yeah — television halves… #4 pencils… uh, Dewey buttons, and, uh, I think that’s about it.

Betty: Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait… Let me speak to Arnie for a minute.

Dave: Hold on, Arnie! [ he hands the phone over ]

Betty: Uh-huh. Arnie, uh, we’re gonna need some more of those propeller beanies. [ Dave chuckles ] Yeah, okay. [ she hands the phone back to Dave ]

Dave: Right, Arnie, that’s it. Oh! Uh, Arnie? Are you still there? Yeah, hold on. Just a… just a hunch, Arnie — yeah, listen, do you still have those inflatable Chet huntleys? Yeah, give me about half a dozen. Thanks, Arnie! [ he hangs up ]

Betty: Oh, Dave! You certainly are hot tonight!

Dave: [ laughing ] Well, come on — let’s go eat, honey.

Betty: It was sort of quiet today, huh?

Dave: Well, it’ll pick up tomorrow!

Betty: Yeah!

[ they exit to the back, as the camera pulls back on the set, with SUPER: “Coming up next: Peacockmania” ]

[ fade ]

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 18

79r: Bob Newhart / The Amazing Ryhthm Aces, Bruce Cockburn

The Dating Zone

Jim Lange…..Bill Murray
Iris de Flaminio…..Jane Curtin
Shonda The Cat Lady…..Laraine Newman
Colleen Fernman…..Gilda Radner
Don Johnson…..Bob Newhart
Rod Serling…..Harry Shearer

[ open on game show set, “Spanish Flea” playing, as Jim Lange rushes onstage ]

Jim Lange: Hello, out there! I’m Jim Lange, and I hope you’re ready to play America’s favorite past time — “The Dating Zone”! Before I introduce tonight’s lucky bachelor, why don’t we get to know tonight’s three lucky bachelorettes? And heeeeeeee’re they arrrrrrrre!

[ the set slowly swivels around to reveal tonight’s three bachelorettes ]

Jim Lange: Bachelorette #1 hails from The Bronx, New York — she collects swizzle sticks and cocktail napkins; a former go-go dancer, she hopes one day to be a go-go dancer again; meet: Iris de Flaminio!

Bachelorette #2 comes to us from Marina del Ray — she enjoys decorating with snakes and piercing delicate tissue with hot-rinse precision tools, with whipped potatoes from 50 feet; let’s say Hello to Shonda the Cat Lady!

And Bachelorette #3 is the Mata Hari of the group — we don’t know where she’s from, and she doesn’t know where she’s from; her hobbies are staring and trying to milk animals that don’t give milk; her favorite vegetable is herself, just kidding! Let’s meet Colleen Fernman!

Now, it’s time to meet the lucky guy who gets to score with one of these luscious lovelies — and I don’t mean Poise! [ he guffaws at his joke ] Let’s make him feel welcome — Don Johnson!

[ Don steps out relunctantly, carrying a bag of groceries ]

Jim Lange: Well, Don, I guess you’re just rarin’ to go!

Don Johnson: [ confused ] I — uh — see, I don’t belong here. This, uh — there’s been some mistake. I-I-I need to get back home, my wife’s waiting for me.

Jim Lange: It looks like loverboy’s got a case of the jitters! Okay, Don — have you got your prepared questions? [ he takes Don’s groceries ]

Don Johnson: Mmm… uh — no.

Jim Lange: Well, look in your breast pocket there!

[ Don begins to fish through his pockets, as “The Twilight Zone” music plays and the camera pans over to a dark stage with Rod Serling standing in the middle ]

Rod Serlinge: Meet Don Johnson. He’s an ordinary man who goes out to pick up a few groceries for his wife. On his way home, he innocently accepts a free ticket to a TV game show, and finds himself trapped in a nightmare for which there is… no escape. Soon, he will be forced to choose between… [ slow pan across the bachelorettes ] Bachelorette #1, a sagging, burned-out boozehound; or Bachelorette #2, a bizarre deviant with a talent for torture; or Bachelorette #3, a woman-child whose mind swims with wisps of a life once pathetic… now tragic. Poor Don Johnson. He has just stumbled into… “The Dating Zone.”

[ dissolve to title card ]

[ dissolve back to game show set ]

Jim Lange: Alright, Don “Juan” Johnson! Let’s let the good times roll with the first question!

Don Johnson: [ looking at the card in his hand ] Do I — do I have to read this?

Jim Lange: [ laughing ] Oh, come on, come on!

Don Johnson: You don’t understand — I-I love my wife.

Jim Lange: [ guffawing ] Come on!

Don Johnson: Alright, uh — [ reading the card ] “Bachelorette #1: If I were an ice cream cone… what would you do to me, and what flavor would you want me to be?” [ he grimaces ]

Iris de Flaminio: I would let you get HOT and MELT… and then I’d catch the driplets with my tongue. And I would hope that you’d be Rum Raisin!

Don Johnson: [ disturbed ] Oh… okay. [ reading next card ] Uh — “Bachelorette #2: What are the three things you’d consider essential for a great date?”

Shonda the Cat Lady: Uhhhh — uh, let’s see, um… manacles… raw meat… and, let’s see… a makeshift plywood pillory. Yeah.

[ Jim guffaws loudly and touches his wrist with a sizzle ]

Don Johnson: Who is — who is that? What’s she talking about?

Jim Lange: [ laughing ] Don, you’re just gonna have to wait and find out! Come on, come on!

Don Johnson: [ reading ] Uh — “Bachelorette #3: What animal would you say you are most like?”

[ Colleen bounces her head in every direction without saying a word ]

Don Johnson: Bachelorette #3? What animal would you say you are most like?

[ Colleen continues to bounce her head in every direction without saying a word ]

Don Johnson: #3? Is someone there?

Jim Lange: [ enjoying this ] In a way, yeah!

Don Johnson: Uh — #2: What animal?

Shonda the Cat Lady: Um — what’s that insect that bites the head off its mate during sex? You know the one? Um…

Don Johnson: Uh — a praying mantis?

Shonda the Cat Lady: Oh! Yeah. Yeah.

Don Johnson: Num– Number — #1?

Iris de Flaminio: I know this doesn’t exactly answer the question, but, in all honesty, I’d just like to sincerely say that I could show you a good time, sexually. I get a lot of guys who stay right through to the morning!

Don Johnson: Look, I’m — I’m — I’m a happily married man.

Jim Lange: Well, I don’t think these babes really give a hot damn whether you’re married or not, Don! So just go on and ask that next question, alright?

Don Johnson: Uh — [ he reads the card ] “Bechelorette #3: If you were doing a crossword puzzle, and you needed a 5-letter word for “Cat”, beginning with “P” and ending with “Y” –”

[ the theme music pots up ]

Jim Lange: Uh-oh! The time is up! Now, while Don decides, let’s hear some of the PRIZES our runners-up will receive! Don Pardo?

Announcer: Well, Jim — how about those Lapkiss Lucite Bar Stools? [ product slid appears ] The bar stools you LOVE to sit on! Or — [ new product slide appears ] How about a complete set of handsome Mexican Tourister Luggage? And, last but not least — [ new product slide appears ] An elegant Blt Buckle Hole Punch Kit by Fleschmaker! IF it’s a hole by Flaschmaker… you KNOW it’s not there!

[ dissolve back to Jim Lange ]

Jim Lange: Thank you, Don Pardo! And now the time of reckoning is upon us! Will it be… Bachelorette #1… Bachelorette #2… or Bachelorette #3?

Don Johnson: I — I can’t decide. I don’t want any of them. I — I mean, I don’t date!

Jim Lange: Well, now you do, Don! So, go on — make a selection.

Don Johnson: Uh — [ he shrugs ] Num– Number Three.

Jim Lange: Congratulations, #3! Come on, Don — let’s meet the bachelorettes you didn’t meet. Bachelorette #1: Say Hello to Iris de Flaminio! Coem on ot here, Iris!

Iris de Flaminio: [ stepping down ] You’ll NEVER know what you’re missing! You’re probably KICKING yourself right now, huh? [ she smacks Don playfully across the chest ]

Jim Lange: [ laughing ] And Bachelorette #2: Shonda the Cat Lady!

Shonda the Cat Lady: [ stepping down ] If you change your mind, I’ve got some tongue clamps back at my place!

Jim Lange: [ laughing ] You’re a good sport! And now, let’s meet our lucky winner — your date-to-be: Bachelorette #3! She’s a real space cadet, and hopes someday to have a personality! Meet Colleen Fernman! Colleen! [ she stretches out in her seat and glances around aimlessly ] Cooleen Fernman! [ she steps off in the wrong direction ] Colleen! [ she steps in the other direction ] Colleen Fernman! Come here, Colleen! [ she finally steps down ] Colleen Fernman! Colleen! [ she bumps into Don ] Ha, what a couple! You really look good together! [ she nuzzles against Don ] Well, I hope you both like to DANCE, because you’re gonna boogie ’til you DROP to the disco beat of Jerry Kravat’s Disco Orchestra in the revolving restaurant high atop the Holiday Inn in lovely Bakersfield, California! [ the audience cheers ] Oh, boy! Alright, you all ready to blow a big kiss? Alright?

[ Jim Lange blows a wet kiss to the audience and laughs, as the words “WET KISS” fly onto the screen ]

[ dissolve back to Rod Serling ]

Rod Serling: Submitted for your approval: Don Johnson, oppression’s minion… tyranny’s good sport. He accepted a free ticket and paid with his future. Now, he’s locked in an eternal hell fate… [ Colleen wanders past Serling ] In “The Dating Zone”!

[ dissolve to title card ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 18

79r: Bob Newhart / The Amazing Ryhthm Aces, Bruce Cockburn

Pink Lady and Carl

Carl Sagan…..Harry Shearer
Mie…..Laraine Newman
Kei…..Gilda Radner
Marvin Hamlisch…..Paul Shaffer
…..Howard Johnson
…..Lou Marini
…..David Sanborn
…..Howard Shore

Announcer: [ over SCROLL ] “During the past few months, NBC has brought you new television experiences in live music and live theater. Tonight, live from Studio 8H, NBC presents a new concept in public service informational programming, featuring the distinguished television scientist, Dr. Carl Sagan.

[ dissolve to Carl Sagan ]

Carl Sagan: Good evening! I’m Dr. Carl Sagan. [ the audience applauds ] Thank you! Thank you so much. And these are my two new and very good friends Mie and Kei… the remarkable Pink Lady! [ Mei and Kei surround Sagan as he wraps his arms around them ] And we are “Pink Lady and Carl”!

[ title card appears as the girls bow ]

Carl Sagan: Thank you. Tonight, the girls and I are going to explore some of the mysteries of this thing we call The Universe. [ to the girls ] Isn’t that right?

Mie: Yes! We can’t wait to find out all about time and space!

Kei: Like where’s our parking space… and what time we have to be here!

Carl Sagan: Hardly something! You know, one of the questions that’s been most baffling to astronomers — and one that fascinated me, until I got kind of busy — is the story of how the universe itself originated. It’s the science of cosmology, and here to help us to explain the nature of existence… is a close, personal friend of the entire universe — Mr. Marvin Hamlisch!

[ Marvin Hamlisch appears from behind a rotating facade of the set ]

Marvin Hamlisch: Hi, Carl!

Carl Sagan: Marvin, have you met Mie and Kei?

Marvin Hamlisch: [ sniffling ] Yes, as a matter of fact we… we met backstage in Make-Up! They were getting blusher applied to their sushi! You know what I mean?

Kei: My boy-friend took me to see mo-vie you did mu-sic for — “The Stink”!

Marvin Hamlisch: That’s “The Sting“. You know, I’m an important man in this business. Take it easy, or you’ll be back opening shopping centers in Hakido!

Carl Sagan: [ holding up a homemade atom ] Say, uh, Marvin — you know waht this is, of course?

Marvin Hamlisch: Oh… of course. It’s the atom. But… but what does this have to do with the universe, Dr. Sagan?

Carl Sagan: Well, a few years ago, astronomers, using new, very sensitive x-ray telescopes, picked up radio waves that were older than anything else ever recorded by man. Now, what we now think is this radio noise… is the explosion left over from the original Big Bang… that formed our cosmos. vI thought they were formed b North American Soc-cer League!

Mie: Not Cos-mos, stu-pid! — The Cos-mos!

Carl Sagan: Aren’t they something! Now, this Big Bang Theory of the universe is the one that’s most popular with scientists right now.

Kei: Oh, yes! Carl… we have that in Jap-an!

Carl Sagan: You do?

Mie: Sure! That what happens when a bullet train hit a daschund!

Carl Sagan: Well… not really. But here’s Marvin with Mie and Kei to illustrate an idea that may be equally as valid as the Big Bang Theory of the universe. It’s the… Big Band Theory.

[ Hamlisch sits behind his piano and plays, as Mie and Kei climb on top and dance ]

[ members of the SNL Band and perform a jazz-rock version of Deodato’s “Also Sprach Zarathustra” ]

Carl Sagan: [ clapping ] That is remarkable, Marvin! Remarkable girls. Just remarkable.

Marvin Hamlisch: Thank you. Thank you. But I’ve still got one question, Doctor…

Carl Sagan: Well, what is it?

Marvin Hamlisch: Well… Is the universe expanding forever? …Or will the whole process reverse itself one day, and… turn itself around and everything start to get smaller?

Carl Sagan: Well, that’s the… muckingly intriguing thing, Marvin! We… just don’t know!

Marvin Hamlisch: Well, gee… if YOU don’t know, I’d better get out of here!

Mie: Oh, what your hurry, Marvin?

Marvin Hamlisch: Well… I’d hate not to win another Oscar before this whole mishiga starts shrinking, you know what I mean?

Carl Sagan: Marvin, I know that, in all seriousness, you actually have to go tape a cerebral palsy special. Thank you for dropping by.

Marvin Hamlisch: Hey, wait a minute — I didn’t get to mention that I wrote the theme of “Good Morning, America”…

Carl Sagan: [ pushing Marvin away ] Marvin Hamlisch! What a guy! Well, you know, next week we’ll explore the surprising detective story of unraveling the development of human intelligence, with our special guests: Erik Estrada and Gloria Loring.

Mie: Oh, Carl! You know… we like you!

Kei: Yes! You are very smart!

Carl Sagan: Well… thank you, girls. [ he laughs ] You’re smart, too! Uh — before we go, is there anything else you know how to say in English?

Mie & Kei: “Live from New York, it’s Saturday… Night?”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 18


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:



Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


May 10th, 1980

Bob Newhart

The Amazing Rhythm Aces

Bruce Cockburn

None

None

Sarah Paley

Max Pross

Alan Zweibel

Pink Lady and CarlSummary:

Recurring Characters: Carl Sagan, Marvin Hamlisch.

Transcript

Montage

Bob Newhart’s MonologueSummary: Bob Newhart performsstand-up about an early televised expedition to the Seven Lost Cities of the Incans.

Transcript

The Dating ZoneSummary:

Recurring Characters: Iris de Flaminio, Colleen Fernman, Rod Serling.

Transcript

The Amazing Rhythm Aces perform “Who Will the Next Fool Be” & “Third-Rate Romance”

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill MurraySummary:

Transcript

The LetterSummary: After soldier Jeremy Travers (Peter Aykroyd) dies in battle, Col. Jessup (Bob Newhart) promises to write his mother, but the time keeps getting away from him.

Bruce Cockburn performs “Wondering Where the Lions Are”

Dave’s Variety StoreSummary: Dave (Bob Newhart) and his wife Betty (Gilda Radner) run a store in which they have every ridiculous item in stock that customers happen to ask for.

Transcript

The Mr. Bill ShowSummary: After “Mr. Bill Goes To Jail” for a framed bank robbery, he becomes Mr. Hands’ unwitting escape partner from Sing Sing Prison.

Transcript

RestaurantSummary: Stan (Bob Newhart) is eager to marry Nadine (Jane Curtin) after a brief courtship, until she reveals that she’s only been slender since just before they started dating.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 16

79q: Strother Martin / The Specials

Strother Martin’s Monologue

…..Strother Martin

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Strother Martin!

Strother Martin: Thank you, thank you. (bows, waits for applause to die down) You know, I’ve been watching this show for years and I’ve always wondered how they pick the hosts. Well, this week I found out. I was in a restaurant here in New York and I noticed a group of strangers at another table. They seemed kind of rowdy, and they kept staring at me. Well, this happens to me all the time because I’m a character actor. I’m the kind of person you know you’ve seen before but you can’t always remember where. Finally, one of the strangers came over to my table and said that they were all from Saturday Night Live and that he was the producer. And then he told me how much they all admired my work. And then he asked me if I could the show some time, and I said “sure”. And he took my number. Well, I didn’t think much about it until the next morning when I got a call from the producer and he asked me if I could do the show this week! I said, “sure”. And he said, “That’s great, Tennessee”. Tennessee? It was then that I realized that they had mistaken me for the playwright Tennessee Williams. You know, in this business I’ve learned that when opprotunity knocks you grab it by the throat. So all through reherasals I was glad to talk about The Glass Menagerie, Cat On A Hot Tin Roof, wonderful plays, even if I didn’t write them. But, it has been a great week anyway. And as Blanche DuBois said, “I’ve always depended on the kindness of strangers”. We’ll be right back!

Submitted by: Dan Pascoe

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 16

79q: Strother Martin / The Specials

Goodnights

…..Strother Martin

[ The Specials are gathering behind Strother Martin at home base. Tom Davis, Alan Zweibel, and Harry Shearer can be seen behind Strother ]

Strother Martin: You’ve been a great audience! I’ve had a great time all week.

[ The band strikes up the closing theme. The camera pulls back to show two of The Specials getting in a mock fight. Laraine Newman and Bill Murray are seen way in the back. Jane Curtin and Gilda Radner talk to Strother, and Garrett Morris gives him a hug. The band are shown as the credits roll. ]

Don Pardo (V/O): We’ll return live three weeks from tonight, Saturday, May 10, when our host will be Bob Newhart. One week from tonight watch a Saturday Night Live encore performance with host Shelly Duvall. Tonight’s food photo essay by Edie Baskin, animation by Mary Laffer. This is Don Pardo. Good night.

Submitted by: Dan Pascoe

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 16

79q: Strother Martin / The Specials

Census Preview

Rosalynn Carter ….. Laraine Newman
Rosa Santangelo ….. Gilda Radner
Secret Service Agents ….. Tom Davis, Mitchell Laurance

[ OPEN on a photograph of the White House ]

Don Pardo (V/O): “Saturday Night Live” will be delayed tonight so that we may bring you the following message from the United States Bureau of the Census. Here from the Lincoln Room of the White House is First Lady Rosalynn Carter.

[ DISSOLVE to Rosalynn Carter sitting at a desk, addressing the camera ]

Rosalynn Carter: Hello, I’m Rosalynn Carter. As you know, our government recently began conducting the 1980 Census. Now, it appears so far that many people have been reluctant to answer the census, particularly those who are unregistered aliens residing in the U.S. Let me assure you, however, that the information you submit on these forms will be kept confidential. That’s the law. If you are an illegal alien living in the U.S. you will be asked a special set of questions on your form. They are as follows.

[ CUT to close-ups of the questions on the census forms as Rosalynn Carter reads them ]

Rosalynn Carter: Question One: If immigration officials raided your home, where would you hide? Question Two: Just out of curiosity, how were you able to enter the country?

[ CUT back to Carter ]

Rosalynn Carter: Let me emphasize that these questions are for statistical purposes only.

[ CUT back to the questions ]

Rosalynn Carter: Question Three: If engaged in household work, do you receive less than minimum wage? If you answered yes, would you be willing to locate in the Washington area? Do you do windows?

[ CUT back to Carter ]

Rosalynn Carter: See, many people don’t realize that I can’t even…

[ She is interrupted by Rosa Santangelo, a maid who runs in and starts yelling at the camera in Spanish. Two Secret Service agents follow and take her away ]

Secret Service Agent: Sorry Mrs. Carter, we were loading a bunch of… (inaudible over the maid’s yelling) …and this one got away.

Rosalynn Carter: (wiping off her face with sleeve) That woman actually spat on me. Well, never mind what she said. She doesn’t work for the government. Finally, Question Five: If the government asked you, would you stop having childeren? Please take the time to answer these questions, and remember that your answers will be kept confidential by law. The Immigration Service could never in a million years gain access to the records of the Census Bureau. How could it? It’s a completely different department and everything. So remember, you owe it to your community. Answer your census. We’re counting on you.

[ Rosa Santangelo rushes in again, covers Carter’s mouth with her hand, and talks to the camera ]

Rosa Santangelo: “Vive de Nuevo York, es Sabado Noche!”

Submitted by: Dan Pascoe

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 16

79q: Strother Martin / The Specials

Camp Beau Soleil

Luke Johnson ….. Bill Murray
Alvin Williams ….. Garrett Morris
Claire ….. Jane Curtin
La Capitan ….. Strother Martin
Mr. Honeycut ….. Brian Doyle-Murray
Campers ….. Gilda Radner, Tom Schiller, Peter Aykroyd, Matt Neuman
Bounty Hunter ….. Tom Davis

[ FADE IN on two campers, Luke Johnson and Alvin Williams, standing alone outside a small cabin. They are wearing tight striped shirts and berets. A woman, Claire, comes out of the cabin in the same outfit ]

Claire: Bonjour, and welcome to Camp Beau Soleil. My name is Claire and I will be your head counselor. I think you’ll find that at Camp Beau Soleil learning French can be fun. It may be a little hard at first, but don’t worry. I’m sure that by the end of this summer, the two of you will be speaking French like natives. Oh, here’s the camp director. We call him Le Capitan. Le Capitan.

[ Le Capitan and his assistant Mr. Honeycut come out of the cabin and stand on the porch. They are dressed like Southern sheriffs, and Mr. Honeycut is carrying a rifle ]

Le Capitan: A couple of new arrivals. Let’s see what we got here … (reads from a clipboard) … Luke Johnson?

Luke Johnson: Yeah, that’s me.

Le Capitan: It says here that you lived in Switzerland for three years. How is it that you don’t speak French already?

Luke Johnson: I have this mental block. I can’t learn languages. I have a note from my doctor.

Mr. Honeycut: When you talk to the captain, you address him as Le Capitan!

Le Capitan: Mental block? Well, this summer you’re going to be totally immersed in the language of French people. You will eat like them, you will sleep like them, and when you leave here you’re gonna talk like them. How about you … (reads from clipboard) … Alvin Williams.

Alvin Williams: (nervously) Hey man, I, I, uh, wasn’t even supposed to be here, man. Uh, I was supposed to go to Music Camp but my parents, they forgot to sign me up in time.

Mr. Honeycut: Hey! Ferme le bouche!

Alvin Williams: Huh?

Le Capitan: Thank you, Mr. Honeycut. Now, while you’re at Camp Beau Soleil you’re going to follow the rules. Rule #1 – All berets must be worn on a slant. If your beret is not on a slant, you spend a night in the box. Rule #2 – No semi-soft cheeses in the bunks. Anyone eating brie or camembert or any of those other semi-soft cheeses spends a night in the box. Rule #3 – Use the formal “vous” when addressing your counselors and staff. Anyone using the familiar “tu” spends a night in the box.

Claire: A night in the box can be very uncomfortable. Listen: Une nuit dans la boîte est très inconfortable.

Le Capitan: If you follow the rules, we’ll get along fine. Now, I can be a nice guy or I can be one real mean son of a bitch.

Claire: Son of a bitch: Fils d’une chienne.

Le Capitan: From here on in you will speak French. Here at Camp Beau Soleil, only I speak English.

Alvin Williams: Hey man, that’s not fair. I ain’t speaking no French, man. I’m here for, you know, the fresh air.

Le Capitan: Mr. Williams, I can see right now that your mind ain’t right, and a man can’t learn a foreign language when his mind ain’t right. Mr. Honeycut, take him to the box.

[ Mr. Honeycut takes Alvin by the arm and leads him off-screen ]

Le Capitan: And you, new meat, I hope you ain’t gonna be any trouble. I’ll see you at the movie tonight. Miss Claire here will lead you to your bunk and show you how to use the bidet.

[ CUT to Mr. Honeycut and Alvin at the box, a small structure that looks like a doghouse with “LE BOX” painted on it. Mr. Honeycut unlocks the door ]

Alvin Williams: Hey, where are you taking me, man?

Mr. Honeycut: You backsassed Le Capitan. You gonna spend a night in the box.

[ Mr. Honeycut hands Alvin a bucket and a tape recorder ]

Mr. Honeycut: Here’s your bucket. Here’s your headset. The dialogue tapes are in there.

[ Alvin climbs into the box and Honeycut locks him in. Inside the box, Alvin is listening to the instructional tapes in horror ]

Voice On Tape: “Hello Jean, how are you?” “Bounjour Jean, comment allez-vous?”

Alvin Williams: Oh no. Oh no!

[ DISSOLVE to several campers sitting in a small room with a projector, watching a movie. They laugh constantly. Luke sits in the back and starts talking to the camper sitting next to him (Gilda Radner) ]

Luke Johnson: They didn’t have to put him in the box his first day.

Camper: Shh! Le film, le film!

Luke Johnson: Aw, forget it. What’s the big deal about Jerry Lewis, huh? I don’t see the point of this.

Camper: Silence! (speaks French, imitates Jerry Lewis)

Luke Johnson: They’re not getting me to speak French. It’s a dying language. I don’t care how good the sauces are, the food stinks! I’m getting out of here. Look at this … (takes out a brouchure) Here’s a camp, Camp Mowaga. Look at the facilities! Canoeing, hiking, horseback riding, all the instructions are in English! That’s where I’m going! I’m running away tonight.

[ Luke takes a huge loaf of French bread and takes a bite. He slowly sneaks out unnotices as the other campers continue to watch the Jerry Lewis film ]

[ DISSOLVE to the next day, outside the small cabin. Claire comes out ringing a bell ]

Claire: Bounjour campers! Le Capitan wishes to speak with you all.

[ All of the campers, except for Alvin and Luke, are gathered together as Le Capitan comes out of the cabin ]

Le Capitan: Bounjour, campers.

Campers: Bounjour, le capitan!

Le Capitan: Well, it seems that last night one of you got a little rabbit in their blood and decided to take off. Don’t worry, he won’t get far. No one has ever gotten out of here without a thorough knowledge of conversational French. Ain’t that right, Mr. Williams?

[ Alvin Williams walks out the cabin like a robot and drones couple of French phrases before joining the other campers ]

[ Two Southern-accented bounty hunters enter with poodles instead of bloodhounds ]

Bounty Hunter: They got him, captain! They’re bringing him in now.

[ Mr. Honeycut drags Luke back to the camp, his clothes torn and dirty, his wrists in handcuffs ]

Mr. Honeycut: We caught him about five miles down the road, headed for Camp Mowaga.

Le Capitan: Camp Mowaga. What in the hell did you think you’d do there, boy? Make a few lanyards? Get a junior life saving badge? That’s not much to show for your whole summer, is it?

Luke Johnson: Maybe not. But at least you don’t have to wear those European swim trunks that are cut so that they don’t leave anything to the imagination.

[ Mr. Honeycut pokes Luke in the stomach with the butt of his rifle ]

Le Capitan: Luke …(holds up a picture of a cartoon cat)… how big is the cat?

Luke Johnson: (long pause) It’s a little cat.

[ Honeycut hits Luke in the head with a piece of wood ]

Le Capitan: Luke, how big is the cat?

Luke Johnson: It’s a little, bitty cat.

[ Honeycut hits Luke even harder, making him fall to his knees ]

Le Capitan: What we got here is a failure to communicate bi-lingually! Le chat es petite! HOW BIG IS THE CAT?

Luke Johnson: Le chat es petite.

Le Capitan: AGAIN!

[ Honeycut hits Luke again ]

Luke Johnson: Le chat es petite.

Le Capitan: There now. That wasn’t so bad, was it? You see, everybody? What we had here was a boy whose mind wasn’t right. It may take a while, but we will get his mind right. First he’ll master the grammar, then he’ll get the vocabulary, and he’ll come along good. And before you know it, he’ll be more French than the French. Miss Claire, why don’t you lead all of the campers in a little song?

Mr. Honeycut: Oh, “Frere Jacques” mon favorite.

[ Claire blows a note from a harmonica and leads the campers in a rendition of “Frere Jacques”. Text appears on-screen, read by Don Pardo ]

Don Pardo (V/O): Recent Congressional Sub-Committee hearings have led to an investigation into the dangers of teaching foreign languages in a camping environment. Camp Beau Soleil has since been converted to a camp for chubby children. Interested parents may call toll free 555-3872.

[ APPLAUSE ]

[ FADE ]

Submitted by: Dan Pascoe

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 17


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


April 19th, 1980

Strother Martin

The Specials

None

None

Tom Gammill

Sarah Paley

Anne Beats

Matt Neuman

Andy Murphy

Max Pross


Census PreviewSummary: First-Lady Rosalynn Carter (Laraine Newman) outlines random 1980 Census questions aimed at illegal immigrants like Rosa Santangelo (Gilda Radner).

Recurring Characters: Rosalynn Carter, Rosa Santangelo.

Transcript

Montage

Strother Martin’s MonologueSummary: Strother Martin announces that he was asked to host tonight’s show because a producer mistook him for Tennessee Williams.

Transcript

Camp Beau SoleilSummary: “Cool Hand” Luke (Bill Murray) tries to reform against the curriculum provided by La Capitan (Strother Martin) at a French language camp.

Transcript

The Specials perform “Gangsters”

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill MurraySummary:

Recurring Characters: G. Gordon Liddy, Chico Escuela.

Video WillSummary:

Conductor’s ClubSummary:

Invasion of the Brain SnatchersSummary:

The Specials perform “Too Much, Too Young”

Any TownSummary:

FoodSummary: A film by Edie Baskin, with hand-colored stills by Mary Laffer, observes diners enjoying food at various New York eateries.

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 16

79p: Burt Reynolds / Anne Murray

Burt Reynolds’ Monologue

…..Burt Reynolds

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Burt Reynolds!

[ Cheers and applause from audience. ]

Burt Reynolds: Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you! Thank you! I know! I have to live with it every day. I like this week. I, uh, had a great time working with these people. The cast, the crew… As I was hanging out backstage, there’s no temperament, no hostility, no open nasal passages…

[ Big laughter from audience. ]

Burt Reynolds: Uh, no open nasal passages. I know sometimes when you see a movie star, you know, up close, it’s a little shattering. Because they’re bigger than life, and you see them on screen — it’s all big. Their head’s big, shoulders big, it’s all big, you know? And here? I’m a small person, see? So, maybe, I figured I just come down here and talk to some of you all. You know what I mean?

[ Burt steps on the home base platform and takes a seat on it. He points his finger to the front audience. ]

Burt Reynolds: Come here. Yeah, come here…

Henry (V/O): Hi.

Burt Reynolds: Hi. Sit down.

[HENRY, a young male audience member, takes a seat next to Burt. ]

Burt Reynolds: What’s your name?

Henry: Henry.

Burt Reynolds: Henry?

[ Burt rolls up his sleeves. ]

Henry: Go Gators.

Burt Reynolds: Go Gators?

Henry: Go Gators!

Burt Reynolds: Henry, I didn’t bring you up here to do any of that kind of crap.

[ Burt places his hand on Henry’s shoulder. ]

Burt Reynolds: We’re just going to do a little bit, okay? Who’s, uh, who’s your favorite movie star?

[ Henry takes a moment. ]

Henry: Uh… Burt Reynolds.

[ Burt stares at Henry for a moment then kisses him on the cheek. ]

Burt Reynolds: You know it’s funny? When I was looking over there at you Henry, you know, you didn’t have a real intelligent look about you. You now got brains coming out at you. You know what I mean?

[ Henry nods and grins. ]

Burt Reynolds: You know, let’s stop talking about me and talk about my movies. Okay? Which one you like the best?

Henry: Um… I didn’t see too many of them. Uh…

Burt Reynolds: Let me see if I can help you out. Cars? Cars jumping over…

Henry: Fences?

Burt Reynolds: Fences! And over bridges…

Henry: “They Turn Styles”?

Burt Reynolds: Henry, you’re sick! I’ll give you the first part of the picture — “Smokey and the…”

Henry: Cowboy?

Burt Reynolds: Smokey means something else to you, doesn’t it, Henry?

[ Henry nods and grins. ]

Burt Reynolds: “Deliverance”. Did you see “Deliverance”?

Henry: The dueling banjos? Yeah! That scene was great. It was good.

Burt Reynolds: The banjos? You know, I was in the picture? I was in there with the dueling banjos. Are you married, Henry?

Henry: No.

Burt Reynolds: Fool around?

Henry: I can’t say that on TV.

Burt Reynolds: You can. You can say it. Say “fooling around” on television.

Henry: Fooling around — yes!

Burt Reynolds: You fool around? A lot?

Henry: No, I can’t really do it that much.

Burt Reynolds: Yeah? That’s why your face is so clean.

[ Burt strokes Henry’s left cheek. ]

Burt Reynolds: We’re going, uh, go on now — do the rest of the show — but I’m going keep talking to you because I like you. I got into show business when I first saw Elizabeth Taylor…

[ The camera zooms out as the audience applauds. Burt chats with Henry for a few moments; they shake hands, hug, and Henry returns to his seat. ]

END

Submitted by: Cody Downs

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