Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 20

77t: Buck Henry / Sun Ra

The Franken & Davis Show

…..Buck Henry

[ open on animated title sequence ]

Announcer: It’s time for the Franken & Davis Show, starring Al Franken and Tom Davis. And now, here’s Al and Tom!

[ dissolve to Home Base, as bare-chested Al and Tom enter amid great audience applause ]

Al Franken: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen!

Tom Davis: You know, uh — we’ve had so many requests for our Sumo Wrestler piece that, tonight, we just had to do it again! But, first — we’d like to introduce some VERY important people in the audience.

Al Franken: You know, there’s an old saying that behind every successful man… you’ll find a woman! And Tom and I are certainly no exceptions. So, tonight, ladies and gentlemen… I’d like you all to meet my lovely wife Darlene. She’s up there. [ he points toward the balcony ] Davey? Davey, can we get a shot of her? [ cut to shot of woman seated in balcony ] There she is! She’s over there! Ladies and gentlemen, my lovely wife Darlene! [ the audience applauds as Darlene smiles graciously ] And sitting next to her, is our son Al, Jr. [ camera pans over to a child-sized version of Al Franken ] Al, Jr. is nine years old, and he’s already in the Second Grade! And, sitting next to Al, Jr., ladies and gentlemen — Suzanne, the girl Tom lives with! [ camera pans over to a blonde woman, as the audience applauds her beauty ]

Tom Davis: [ seriously ] Al? Al, I can’t — I can’t live this lie any longer, ladies and gentlemen. Al just introduced his family and the girl I supposedly live with, to present a facade.

Al Franken: Tom…

Tom Davis: No! With all the Anita Bryant stuff going on… with all the DEFEAT of gay rights all across the United States, some people have to stand up and be counted! I think we should…

Al Franken: No, no…

Tom Davis: No, the truth of the — I mean it! The truth of the matter is: Al and I are homosexual lovers! I’d like to get that out.

Al Franken: DAMMIT, TOM!! Dammit!

Tom Davis: Al, listen — it was gonna come out sooner or later… I just thought it would be the best thing — RIGHT NOW!

Al Franken: [ nervously ] Ladies and gentlemen, uh — Tom is just joking! [ laughing ] This is part… of the routine!

Tom Davis: This is NOT a part of our routine, ladies and gentlemen. This is NOT a joke. Al and I are homosexual lovers, and we are PROUD of it! Both of us! I’d just like to say that. And, uh —

Al Franken: [ miffed ] Tom… how could you do that to us? In front of everybody… ESPECIALLY in front of my WIFE and KID! How can you do…?

Tom Davis: [ stunned ] Well, don’t they know?

Al Franken: No, they don’t know! NO! [ he hangs his head ] In front of all these people! And all the MILLIONS of people at home!

Tom Davis: That’s… that’s EXACTLY my point, Al! I — I — I wanted to make this announcement tonight… and… and… and these people are with you. They like you, they respect you… I think, in fact, they probably respect you MORE. Ladies and gentelmen, don’t you respect Al more now that you know? Now that you know…

[ the audience boos wildly ]

Tom Davis: Now that…

Al Franken: [ aggravated ] You — you see?! You see?!

Voice of Al, Jr.: I HATE YOU, DADDY!! I HATE YOU!! I HATE YOU!!

[ cut to Al, Jr. standing in the audience ]

Al, Jr.: I HATE YOU, DADDY!! I HATE YOU!! I HATE YOU!!

[ Al, Jr. storms away from the balcony, as Al’s wife runs after him ]

Voice of Al, Jr.: [ trailing off ] I HATE YOU, DADDY!! I HATE YOU!!

Al Franken: [ to Tom ] You see? Not only you ruined MY life…. but you ruined little Al, Jr.’s, too!

Tom Davis: [ calmly ] Al… you’re taking this…

Al Franken: [ furiously ] YOU’RE GONNA BE SORRY YOU DID THIS, TOM!!!

Tom Davis: You’re taking this the wrong way…

Al Franken: [ shoving Tom ] YOU’RE GONNA BE SORRY YOU DID THIS!! I’M GONNA MAKE YOU SORRY YOU DID THIS!!

Tom Davis: Come on! Let’s just do the Sumo…

Al Franken:[ shoving Tom ] YOU’RE GONNA BE SORRY, TOM!! I’m GONNA MAKE YOU SORRY [ he runs behind the stage curtain ]

Tom Davis: Oh, stop the theatrics! Come back here! [ to the audience ] I’m so sorry — [ to Al, behind the curtain ] Al, come here! Put that gun down! Don’t put that gun to your head!

[ a gunshot fires off, and Al’s body drops behind the curtain as his leg dangles outward ]

[ Tom returns to face the audience ]

Tom Davis: [ sullen ] Uh… well, that’s the end of the show… Good night, everybody…

[ dissolve to title card ]

Announcer: The Franken & Davis Show is brought to you by… [ ad card appears ] The Communist Party of America. Working for a BETTER tomorrow! And, now — here’s Al and Tom!

[ dissolve back to Al and Tom onstage ]

Al Franken: Just kidding, everybody!

Tom Davis: He didn’t really shoot himself!

Al Franken: Good night, everybody!

Tom Davis: Good night!

[ dissolve to audience wide shot, zoom in on man with SUPER: “Can’t Keep Anything Down” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 20


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:





Cameos:

Bit Players:


May 20th, 1978

Buck Henry

Sun Ra

Michael O’Donoghue

Tom Davis

Al Franken

None

Brian Doyle-Murray

Mitchell Laurance

Andy Murphy

Don Novello

Tom Schiller
Nixon’s BookSummary: Former President Richard Nixon (Dan Aykroyd) invites outraged viewers to buy his book just so they can kick it around.

Recurring Characters: Richard Nixon.

Transcript

Montage

Buck Henry’s MonologueSummary: As Buck Henry speaks glowingly of “Heaven Can Wait” and his friendship with Warren Beatty, a scroll suggests that his career is actually over.

First Hosted: 76e.

Transcript

Nerds Go To The PromSummary: Todd (Bill Murray) escorts Lisa (Gilda Radner) to their high school prom.

Recurring Characters: Lisa Loopner, Todd DiLaMuca, Mrs. Loopner, Mr. DiLaMuca.

Transcript

Samurai TV RepairmanSummary: Mr. Dantley (Buck Henry) has Futuba (John Belushi) repair his busted TV set.

Recurring Characters: Futaba, Mr. Dantley.

Transcript

Sodom Chamber of CommerceSummary: Members of the Sodom Chamber of Commerce seek ways to change their city’s vile image in the eyes of outside visitors.

Transcript

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Dan AykroydSummary: Laraine Newman narrates drawings from the Son Of Sam trial. Stargazer Bill Murray gives his review of the “The Greek Tycoon” and attempts to call Jackie Onassis. Jane Curtin and Dan Aykroyd debate over who gets to hold which viewpoint during Point/Counterpoint.

Olympia CafeSummary: Mr. Mike (Michael O’Donoghue) sings “Baby Ghouls” with backing vocals from a vampire (Laraine Newman).

Recurring Characters: Pete Dionasopolis, George Dionasopolis, Sandy Dionasopolis, Niko Dionasopolis, Mike Dionasopolis.

Transcript

Mr. Mike’s Least Loved MusicSummary: Mr. Mike (Michael O’Donoghue) sings “Baby Ghouls” with backing vocals from a vampire (Laraine Newman).

Recurring Characters: Mr. Mike.

Transcript

More Insects To Worry AboutSummary: Joan Face (Jane Curtin) discusses the dangerously artistic Bedanza mite with Dr. Russell Bedanza (Buck Henry).

Recurring Characters: Joan Face.

Transcript

Stunt PuppySummary: Howard (Buck Henry) is directed to inflict abuse on puppy in a tense family scene.

Recurring Characters: Brian Welles, Howard, Gwen, Tommy.

Transcript

Bad Conceptual ArtSummary: Leonard Pinth-Garnell (Dan Aykroyd) presents an excerpt from Pavlov’s “Video Chicken I”.

Recurring Characters: Leonard Pinth-Garnell.

The Franken & Davis ShowSummary: Tom Davis reveals that he and Al Franken are gay lovers, destroying Al’s family life immediately.

Transcript

Sun Ra performs “Space is the Place” & “Space-Loneliness”

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 19

77s: Richard Dreyfuss / Jimmy Buffett, Gary Tigerman

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Dan Aykroyd

…Jane Curtin
…Dan Aykroyd
…Bill Murray
Elliot Garfield…John Belushi
Paula McFadden…Gilda Radner
Roseanne Roseannadanna…Gilda Radner

[Open on Weekend Update desk as theme plays]

Don Pardo: And now, Weekend Update with the Weekend Update news team. Brought to you by Kierke Guard, the deodorant for sweaty, Danish philosophers. Here are anchorpersons Jane Curtin and Dan Aykroyd.

[Cut to Dan]

Dan Aykroyd: Good evening, I’m Dan Aykroyd.

[Cut to Jane]

Jane Curtin: And I’m Jane Curtin. Before we start, I’d like to take a moment to respond to some mail that we’ve received. Many of you have explained at times that I act in less than a professional manner. You say I become bitchy and lose my cool, hollering at Emily Litella or John Belushi or Roseanne Roseannadanna. You’re probably right. I do have some things that have been bothering [me] lately. Uh, my mother has Legionnaire’s Disease, but still, there is no reason letting my personal life interfere with my job as a responsible journalist, and I apologize. Never again will you see me lose my dignity by overreacting to any of my fellow correspondents, no matter how feeble they may be. [Raises her right hand] That’s a promise.

[Cut to Dan]

Dan Aykroyd: [nodding] Very well put, Jane. I’m, ah, sorry to hear about your mom. I was wondering why you were so cranky. I thought maybe you might be going through menopause.

[Audience laughter. Cut to Jane]

Jane Curtin: [smiling] No. Our top story tonight:

According to doctors at McGill University in Montreal, a substance called gum tragacanth, a thickening agent found in McDonald’s hamburger sauce — if you’re allergic to it — can cause itching, abdominal pain, a shortness of breath, a hives-like swelling of face, arms and trunk, and breathing difficulty due to a swollen larynx. A spokesman for McDonald’s reportedly commented “We do it all for you.”

The Environmental Protection Agency has ordered the American Motors Corporation to recall its entire output of 1976 cars due to a faulty pollution-control system. The offending devices have been snapped up by New York City slumlords, who will install them as air conditioners in substandard housing.

Dan Aykroyd: [clears his throat] The Treasury has just released the new metric conversion terms for American Federal Reserve currency, which will come into effect in 1981. The dollar will still be called the dollar, but quarters will be called quart-dollars, dimes will be deca-dollars, nickels will be penta-dollars, and pennies will be called hi-how-do-ya-do’s. No explanation was given.

Jane Curtin: And now, with this week’s review, here’s stargazer Bill Murray. Bill?

[Camera pans over to Bill Murray as audience applauds]

Bill Murray: Thank you, Jane. Well, just like all the other critics in this country, I gave my Oscar predictions the week before the Academy Awards. But unlike all those other critics, tonight I’m here to ‘fess up on just how badly I did. Uh, pretty damn badly, I’m afraid. Other than Diane Keaton’s nod for Best Actress, the party animal here completely struck out. Not that I wasn’t pleased to see the Wood-man snag a couple. Hey, class move not to show up, Wood-man, I loved it. I was just surprised that Hollywood had the good sense to give ’em to him. But I must say I was disappointed by the Best Actor selection. Like so many people around this show, I expected Richard Burton to take it for what I understand was a superb performance in Equus. Uh, when Richard Dreyfuss won, I asked Warner Brothers to send over a clip to see if I was wrong. Here’s a clip, Goodbye Girl. Can we show it, please?

[Cut to clip labeled “The Goodbye Girl.” Instead of Richard Dreyfuss and Marsha Mason, the clip features John Belushi and Gilda Radner portraying the film’s main characters, Elliot Garfield and Paula McFadden]

Elliot Garfield: By the way, I sleep in the nude, naked, au naturel, ah-buffo! Them’s my rules, and that’s the way it’s gonna be! [breathes deeply] And another thing, [removes panties from the shower curtain rod] I don’t…like…the panties…hanging…on…the rod! [Hands the panties to Paula as the camera zooms in to a close-up of her face]

[Cut to different scene from the movie]

Elliot Garfield: What do you know? You’re ten years old. Three more years you wanna drive or then you burrrrn.

[Cut to bathroom, where Paula is finishing washing her face. As she turns to leave, Elliot hands her a towel and kisses her]

Paula McFadden: Don’t you ever do that again! [Turns around to dry her face with the towel]

Elliot Garfield: Ooo, your lips say “no-no-no,” but your eyes say “yes-yes-yes”! [Elliot kisses Paula on the back of the shoulder. Scene freezes. Dissolve back to Bill Murray as audience applauds]

Bill Murray: Uh, I’m sorry, but to all my good friends at the Academy, I still have to say uh-uh, no, no way. Richard, Drey, we have seen these movies before, all of them. This is the same Dreyfuss I saw in Jaws, American Graffiti and Duddy Kravitz. Well, actually, I didn’t see Graffiti and Kravitz, but this is what I heard, so…. Anyway, you are letting yourself slide, dude. You’re fat now! Disgustingly fat! Now get into shape or quit the business! Do you wanna do that, Richard? Diiiick? Lumpy, come on! All right, that’s the Richard I think I know. For those of you who don’t agree with me: I’m sorry, but that’s the way I feel. Now get outta here, ya knuckleheads, I mean it. Back to the original knucklehead, Jane, will you pass this on to Danny for me? [Bill gives Jane a noogie] You knucklehead! Pass it on! [applause]

Jane Curtin: [Smiles as Bill exits] Dan?

[Cut to Dan in front of an image of a policeman grabbing a protester on the face]

Dan Aykroyd: Thank you. Last week in Houston, Texas, a disturbance broke out during a demonstration marking the death of a Mexican-American who died last year while in police custody. Houston officials laughed off the incident, advised rioters to do the same, and as seen here, sent police in to teach the Mexican-Americans how to smile. Jane?

[Cut to Jane]

Jane Curtin: This week, the Air Force reported two UFOs off the coast of Florida. Here to comment further on this phenomenon is correspondent Roseanne Roseannadanna.

[Applause as the camera pans over to Roseanne]

Roseanne Roseannadanna: Thanks, Jane. Mr. Richard Feder of Fort Lee, New Jersey, writes in and says: “Dear Roseanne Roseannadanna, Do you believe in UFOs? Have you ever seen a UFO? Have you had a contact with a UFO? Have you ever been beyond and back? Did you see Star Wars? Do you believe that we are not alone?” Mr. Feder, you ask a lotta questions for someone from New Jersey. But I know what you’re askin’ because once, I, Roseanne Roseannadanna, saw somethin’ that drove me crazy! It was a hot and clammy summer night, and I was sittin’ alone in my apartment. And I said to myself “Roseanne Roseannadanna, what you need is a ride in the country.” So, I got in my car and I start drivin’. And I love to drive, ’cause my car got an FM radio that I sing with. And I don’t wanna brag, but when I sing in my car, I sound just like Connie Francis! Well, it’s around ten o’clock at night. I didn’t know it, but off to the side of the road, there’s this drive-in movie theater, and they were showin’ this X-rated French movie called Le Sex Shop. And I was just ridin’ along, singin’ a song when all of a sudden, peekin’ through the trees, I saw the world’s biggest buttocks! Two big cheeks that was bouncin’ over the expressway. I thought I was gonna die! There it was in living color, a rectal eclipse! And underneath, there was words, you know, like, ah, subtitles? And this backside is talkin’ to me, sayin’ “Do you love me? I love you. Can you touch me, please. Hold me closer, darlin’. Kiss me, my honeybear.” I couldn’t believe it! Jane, tell me, did a rear end ever talk to you?

Jane Curtin: [Forcing herself to smile and remain calm] No, I-I don’t believe one ever has, Roseanne.

Roseanne Roseannadanna: Boy, you sure are in a good mood today.

Jane Curtin: Yes I am, Roseanne.

Roseanne Roseannadanna: Well good, because, you know, Jane, you know what really makes me sick? Did you ever, like, get a little piece o’ stuff, like, in the corner of your eye, you know, and you take it out and go “What is this? Did this come outta me, you know? Where am I gonna put it?” Then you start–you just start rollin’ it around and rollin’ it around, rollin’ around your finger and you think “Where am I gonna put it?” You think “Where am I gonna put it?” And then, it doesn’t matter where you’re gonna put it ’cause when you look it disappears! [Looking at Jane] Where does that thing go?

Jane Curtin: I’m sorry, I don’t know, Roseanne.

Roseanne Roseannadanna: [pointing to Jane’s eyes] Well, you better start thinkin’ about it ’cause you got a little piece o’ stuff right there. [Roseanne puts her arm around Jane] You know, Jane, I never noticed this, but, you know, you got a little moustache right there! Yeah, look at Jane, got a cute little tiny soft baby moustache right all blonde and cute and everything. [Jane starts to get annoyed] You know, you better not shave that ’cause it’ll grow back all black and thick and everything, okay?

Jane Curtin: Thank you, Roseanne.

Roseanne Roseannadanna: Aw, you’re welcome. You’re real wel–you know, you’re a very, very pretty girl. Very pretty. You know, I want you to tell me somethin’ just between you an’ me, Roseanne Roseannadanna, [pointing to Jane’s breasts] are both o’ your things the same size?

Jane Curtin: [Rips open her shirt to reveal her bra] CHECK FOR YOURSELF, ROSEANNE! [Roseanne puts her head in her hands as Jane recloses her shirt] I prom-I promised myself and my audience…that I wouldn’t lower myself to a level of the likes of you. Rectal eclipses, stuff that disappear when you put it in your fingers. I tried to contain myself when you took me apart piece by piece in front of millions of people. But I guess I’m just not that strong.

Roseanne Roseannadanna: Well, Jane, it just goes ta show ya, it’s always something. And you know something? I thought you were a lot bigger than that. [Jane gasps and puts her head in her hands] Good night, have a pleasant tomorrow!

[Applause. Weekend Update theme plays. Roseanne waves. Dan tries to comfort Jane as she cringes. Fade]

Submitted by: John Ravetti

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 19

77s: Richard Dreyfuss / Jimmy Buffett, Gary Tigerman

Sex Test

…..Richard Dreyfuss
Dr. Candice Brightman…..Laraine Newman
Dr. Judd Quimson…..Bill Murray
Dr. Francine Shoes…..Gilda Radner
Dr. Herbert Rice…..Garrett Morris

[ open on “Sex Test” title card ]

[ dissolve to Richard Dreyfuss ]

Richard Dreyfuss: Good evening. This is Richard Dreyfuss. Our show is called “The Sex Test”. It is designed to promote good sexual health by dealing with some of the most common questions and misconceptions surrounding sex. Where needed, we will have amplication from psychologists and sex specialists. Sex is a delicate subject, and as such, we do advise parental discretion in viewing. It should be noted that sex education is preferable to sexual ignorance. And if you remove the children from the room, they’ll probably turn out as screwed up as you are.

Let’s move on to our first question: “How many times a week should a couple have sex if they’ve been married for 8 years?”

a) 4 Times
b) 8 Times
c) 16 Times

B — 8 Times is correct. [ ding ]

“How many times a week should a couple have se if they’ve been married 16 years?”

a) 4 Times
b) 8 Times
c) 16 Times

C — 16 Times. [ ding ] Very surprising. Yes, you should have sex as many times each week as the number of years in your marriage. Which is why the average marriage lasts only 15 years.

“In sex, does it matter if the woman is not satisfied — Yes or No?”

The answer… is “No.” [ ding ] Dr. Candice Brightman, of UCLA?

[ cut to Dr. Candice Brightman ]

Dr. Candice Brightman: Uh — this has been a source of confusion for many years, but we know that it is perfectly normal for a man not to care about a woman’s pleasure, just so long as he drains the lizard. Uh — this does not mean that a man shouldn’t feel bad later, and, uh, go out and buy his mate a nice gift.

[ return to Richard Dreyfuss ]

Richard Dreyfuss: “How many climaxes are in a woman’s multiple climax?”

a) 2 to 5
b) 12 to 16
c) Hundreds and Hundreds
d) An infinite number

The answer… is C. [ ding ] Hundreds and Hundreds. Dr. Judd Quimson, Sociology Advisor to Penthouse Magazine.

[ cut to Dr. Judd Quimson ]

Dr. Judd Quimson: [ breathing heavily ] It’s a multiple! You know, it’s hundreds and hundreds! I mean, what’s the point, otherwise? If one of my girlfriends has, say, you know, only 30 climaxes… I feel like a real creep! I go out and buy her a nice gift.

[ return to Richard Dreyfuss ]

Richard Dreyfuss: “The proper thing to say after a man’s premature climax is:

a) Wait ’til the girls hear about this
b) Can I get you anything else?
c) You selfish pork face now I’ll never be satisfied

C… is the correct answer! [ ding ] Here is Dr. Francine Shoes of the Yorkies Primate Research Center… to explain why.

[ cut to Dr. Francine Shoes ]

Dr. Francine Shoes: When a man has a premature climax, he has a tendency to lie there like a beached whale. He can even fall asleep and forget that you had sex. But, by calling attention to the situation by yelling at him: “You selfish pork face! Now I’ll never be satisfied!”, he’ll roll over and become aware that you have needs, too. And he’ll probably go out and buy you a nice gift!

[ return to Richard Dreyfuss ]

Richard Dreyfuss: “Who discovered genitalia?”

a) The Dutch
b) George Washington Carver
c) The Earl of Sandwich

B — George Washington Carver is the correct answer. [ ding ] Dr. Herbert Rice, author of “I’m Normal, You’re Normal”.

[ cut to Dr. Herbert Rice ]

Dr. Herbert Rice: Uh — genitalia have their origin in the fertile crescent in Africa. BUT — it wasn’t until the late 19th Century that, uh, they were discovered by George Washington Carver, the man who did more with the peanut than any man in history.

[ return to Richard Dreyfuss ]

Richard Dreyfuss: “What is the Latin plural of coius interruptus?”

a) Coiti interrupti
b) Coitus interruptibus
c) Coiti interruptarum
d) In coitus maximus
or e) None of the above

None! [ ding ] The correct plural of Coitus Interruptus is… Twins.

That’s all the time we have for tonight’s Sex Test, I hope you found it helpful. I’ve got a date… [ he reaches down ] and, fortunately, I have a nice gift, too! [ he holds up a wrapped gift ] Thank you and good night!

[ dissolve to title card ]

[ dissolve to audience wide shot, zoom in on woman with SUPER: “Shouts Obscenities at House Plants” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 19

77s: Richard Dreyfuss / Jimmy Buffett, Gary Tigerman

Pet Peeves

Judi…..Laraine Newman
Richard…..Richard Dreyfuss

[ open on dark apartment, as couple enters and turns on the lights ]

Judi: I STILL don’t understand why you didn’t like the SALAD!

Richard: I told you, because I hate pimentos! [ he picks up the TV Guide ]

Judi: So?

Richard: So I hate pimentos! You know? Because you don’t know what they are! I mean, what are pimentos? They’re red things you put in olives and salads, but what are they? Actual things, you know? Do they grow on farms? Are there pimento farms? What?!

Judi: I don’t think it’s necessary to know if there are pimento farms in order to eat salads that contain pimentos!

Richard: You know, I’ve never known you to interrogate me about a garnish before.

Judi: Well, it’s not just the garnish, okay? It’s other things… it’s bigger things.

Richard: [ reading the TV Guide ] Let’s see… Thursday at 10:30, what have we got?

Judi: [ she sighs ] Okay! Avoiding the subject! Building up a nice uncomfortable SILENCE, that’ll be FUN!

Richard: Do you think anything good is on?

Judi: Is that your favorite sentence — “Is anything good on?”

Richard: NO! My favorite sentence is “Hello, hurt me!”

Judi: Oh, well, I guess this is going to be the part of the evening where we watch TV and… you mouth the lines with them on “The Honeymooners”.

Richard: [ reading ] “Felix and Oscar get invited to a bowling tournament.” I saw that this afternoon! That was on this afternoon! I hate that! I hate when they put on in the afternoon what they’re gonna put on in the evening!

Judi: You hate it, but you’ll watch it.

Richard: True. True. I’m into a LOT of things I hate!

[ he turns the TV on and sits to watch “The Odd Couple”, as she sits down and endures it for as long as she can ]

Judi: [ she turns the TV off ] Whhhhyyyyy are we watching this show?!

Richard: Because it’s GOOD!

Judi: I HATE that expression, “Because it’s GOOD!” That’s what people say to describe mediocre Chinese restaurants and movies they don’t understand!

Richard: What’s the matter with good?

Judi: It’s such a NOTHING concept! It’s like “nuts”, “good”, and “nice”, they all wave to each other from across the dictionary!

Richard: You know, that is EXACTLY the kind of thing you would say! That is EXACTLY the kind of… dot-your-I’s-with-little-circles outlook on life that you have, you know?

Judi: [ taking offense ] I don’t dot my eyes with little circles!

Richard: You spell your name with an I! “Judi” with an I! Which, in 1967, I will just BET was topped by an adorable little circle!

Judi: Um, no, it wasn’t.

Richard: Yeah. Or a heart! It was ADORABLE, you know?! You know when you get adorable? You know, like, uh, like when you put on my old flannel shirt — which you put on because you say it’s more comfortable, but really it’s because it’s BIG on you, and you think you look adorable in it! This is a true thing about you! There’s lots of latent adorableness! If you don’t watch out, one day you’re gonna put on my shirt, get a “Honk If You’re Horny” bumper sticker, and buy lots of, uh — uh — “Jottings From Judi” stationery!

Judi: [ throwing her arms in the air ] This is my FAVORITE conversation pf my LIFE!

Richard: You don’t mind, I’m just gonna mouth the words with Felix and Oscar, okay?

Judi: Oh, enjoy! [ a beat ] Pimento bigot!

Richard: Plus — you LOVE calling potato chips… “that poison”! You just LOVE calling potato chips and candy… “THAT POISON!!” These are foods which, for many years, you ATE DAILY!! But now, you love to call them “THAT POISON!!” I still enjoy these foods! I AM waiting for the day that I’ll have the penaut butter cup attack that’ll kill me! But until then, I’m sucking ’em down, sister! Sucking down the poison, which I would prefer you did not mention! You know? Basically, this makes me PUKE! Okay?

Judi: Thank you so very much.

Richard: I mean… I’m onto you. You know? Eating pimentos, putting down potato chips. You could really convince me that you’re one of those perfume ad Today girls, except that I know for a fact that you’re tow favorite movies are Fellini’s “Satyricon” and “Where The Boys Are”.

Judi: You know… when you lick a joint, you always hold your tongue so that it looks like you’re licking the paper in the most efficient possible way. I have actually seen you watch yourself doing this in nearby toasters or things that reflect — watched you… practice your time!

Richard: So?

Judi: So! That is life! That is YOU in life! Afraid to eat pimentos! Practicing your tongue! YOU are Mr. Rigid! Never leaves the house without Kleenex. You know — I know you. I know that every time you write a name in your address book, you have to write it in the SAME felt-tip pen as all the other names in your address ook are written in! I’ve seen you skip over whole working Bic pens, looking for a black felt-tip one!

Richard: Look! I am not Mr. Rigid! I may not be king of the gypsies, but I’m not Mr. Rigid! I like to think of myself as Mr. Good Sense! They know me at the cleaners… I like getting those coupons at the supermarket that you have to scrape away the top to see if it says “You Win $1,000.” I like that! I enjoy it! I look forward to it! I like simple things! You know? I like Blue Shield and Blue Cross! This, to me, is pleasure. I am planted firmly on the Earth — and so are you. Which leads me to believe that, uh, I don’t know what this big hoo-hah is all about! I mean, obviously, something else is on your mind. What is it?

[ he waits ]

Judi: You open your mouth too far when you kiss. I mean, you know when we’re kissing and I sort of try to close my mouth a little? Well, that’s to indicate to you that your mouth is open too FAR for me! I mean, this is a SIGNAL! [ she smiles maliciously ] Should we go on?

Richard: [ he makes a frustrated face ] Okay. Ohhhh-kay! [ he whips off his jacket ] Foreplay! Alright? Foreplay! Okay! You know that thing when you kiss me in those little circles that get bigger and bigger all around my back? And then you start working your way into crucial areas very slowly, to add to the excitement? It’s boring! I never told you this, because I can tell you worked real hard on timing! You know? Not to go too fast, not too go too slow… and you got this real good build-up to ecstasy. So I haven’t said anything, you know? Not to hurt your feelings. But it’s BOR-ING!! It’s like sitting through Coming Attractions!

Judi: Last week, you tied me up!

Richard: You asked me to!

Judi: We agreed!

Richard: I know we agreed!

Judi: Then you left the room!!! You LEFT the room!!

Richard: [ meekly ] Well, I can’t go to sleep without brushing my teeth.

Judi: I WAS TIED UP!! Did I look like I was going to sleep?!!

Richard: Alright, HOW much longer is this going to take?!

Judi: This is it! Also, once, very recently… I wrapped my legs around your chest. And it ended up to be for absolutely… no… reason! I mean, while I was doing it, I was thinking, “I’m not exactly sure why I’m doing it, but I’m sure I’ll find out.” Only… like, either you got confused, or you couldn’t remember how to do what you were thinking, or something! THe point is: It was for ABSOLUTELY NO REASON!! And I looked stupid DOING IT!! THe fact is, ALL sex looks very stupid on the whole! So if you’re gonna do something, and you KNOW it looks stupid, it’s GOT to be for a REASON!! That’s all!! It really should!! That’s all!!

Richard: [ confused ] I have to digest this… I’m one of those digestives.

[ she sits next to him, as he mulls over their conversation ]

Judi: [ seductively ] Is anything good on?

Richard: [ he turns to look at her ] Nah.

[ he tosses the TV Guide over his shoulder, turns the TV off, as they take each other’s hand and slowly retreat tp the bedroom ]

[ a lone audience member yells, “Yeah!” ]

[ dissolve to wide shot of set, with SUPER: “coming up next… The Germ As A household Pet” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 19

77s: Richard Dreyfuss / Jimmy Buffett, Gary Tigerman

Paraquat

Pedro…John Belushi
Woman…Gilda Radner
Announcer…Dan Aykroyd
…Buddy Williams
…Bill Murray

[Open on Pedro and a woman harvesting marijuana in a field. A plane is heard flying overhead as it dumps a white powder onto the crops]

Woman: Pedro! Pedro, this must be a sign from Our Lady of Guadalupe. It hasn’t snowed in Sonora for 192 years. It’s a MIRACLE!

Pedro: It’s not a miracle! It’s Paraquat!

Woman: Pedro, is this a sign that we will have an early harvest?

Pedro: Darn right we’re gonna have an early harvest, like tonight! We gonna cut and bathe this stuff right away, we can still sell it to the Gringos.

Woman: But Pedro, doesn’t it cause irreversible lung damage?

Pedro: Have you been reading newspapers again, huh? [Slaps woman] Wha’d you been doing, huh? [Slaps her two more times] Come on, work, work! It’s harvest time! HARVEST TIME!

Announcer: Yes, Paraquat does affect the quality of marijuana, but it does not affect the importation and traffic. One afternoon from this secluded valley in Sonora province, Mexico [Dissolve to North American map with a mule placed over Sonora] one-hundred tons of Paraquat-treated marijuana was transported by mule [mule moves to a plane just south of Texas] to a point 30 miles south of the United States border at York, Texas. Here, 50 tons was transferred to six converted Lockheed Hudson C-40 transport planes with flight plans for the American Midwest. [Plane on map moves north to Kansas, where a semi truck is positioned] Six hours later, the six cannabis-carrying transport planes touched down safely in the wheat field of a high-volume dealer near Pitkin, Kansas, where most of the payload was seized by federal and state law enforcement officials acting on an elderly neighbor’s tip. [Plane falls off map] But before the lawmen could surround the area, ten tons were concealed in a refrigerated tractor-trailer unit hauling a load of fresh zucchini [semi drives east to a van positioned in Kentucky] Agricultural officials stopped the tractor trailer at Bowling Green, Kentucky and, while making a random inspection, they discovered the marijuana in the zucchini. Of the ten tons on that truck, nine were seized by drug enforcement agency representatives [semi falls off map] who accepted a large bribe to let the only remaining ton leave the state safely in a customized van [van drives southeast to a saxophone player in Georgia]. This shipment was delivered to a professional cannabis broker in Macon, Georgia. This broker subsequently sold two pounds to a black musician, who returned to New York City. [Sax player moves northeast to New York] The musician took some paraquat-treated joints to work one night, and passed one of them to a young actor.

[Dissolve to Bill Murray accepting a joint from SNL bass player Buddy Williams]

Bill Murray: Are you sure this stuff is okay?

Buddy Williams: Oh yes, man. I swear it’s Colombian.

[Bill takes a few puffs, gags and coughs]

Bill Murray: [in a raspy voice] “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

Submitted by: John Ravetti

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 19

77s: Richard Dreyfuss / Jimmy Buffett, Gary Tigerman

Nick Springs

Nick…Bill Murray
Paul…Paul Shaffer
Joan…Gilda Radner
Bill…John Belushi
Jeff Greenspoon…Richard Dreyfuss
Mrs. Liebowitz…Laraine Newman
Jimmy Joe Red Sky…Dan Aykroyd
People at Table…Anne Beatts, Mitchell Laurance, Rosie Shuster

[Open on close-up of a Univox SR-120 drum machine. Camera pans back to show Nick adjusting the dials before greeting the audience from onstage]

Nick: Welcome to the Honeymoon Room here at the Pocomont. I’m Nick Springs, and I’m here to entertain you.

[Paul begins playing “I Love To Love You, Baby” on the piano]

Nick: Ha-ha! [Gyrates and sings]
“I… I love to love you, baby.
I… I love to love you baby [Turns up the tempo on the drum machine]
I… I love to love you, baby
I… I love to love you, baby [Turns up the tempo some more]
I… I love to love you, baby
Ah-ha… I love to love you, baby [Turns up the tempo even more]
Ahh… I love to love you, baby
Ahh-Ahh… I love to love you, baby
Ah! Ah! Ahhh! Ahhh! Ahhhhhhh! [Turns drum machine off]
I love to love you — and only you forever and ever — babyyyy!”

[Crowd applauds as Nick lights a cigarette]

Nick: Thank you very much. Was it as good for you as it was for me? I hope so. How many people here in the Honeymoon Room tonight believe in the institution of marriage, can I hear from you? [Crowd applauds] Yeah, I had a feeling. How many people here from New Jersey? [Crowd applauds] Yeah, thought so, I thought so. Yeah, there’s a lotta love over there in Jersey, lotta love. [Walks over to a seated couple with calamine lotion on their faces] How about you two, where are you from?

Joan: Passaic. Uh, Mrs. Joan Shomer.

Nick: How long’ve you been married?

Joan: Two days.

Nick: Is this the lucky guy?

Bill: Yes. Ah, Bill Shomer, from Seacaucus, now Passaic.

Nick: What’s the pink stuff all over your face, kids?

Bill: Aw, it’s calamine lotion.

Joan: Well, the-the first thing we did when we got here was do a little private, ah, sunbathing, and there was poison ivy in the woods.

Nick: Ooo-hoo-hoo, well, I hate to say it, but I coulda told you so, Shomers. [Stands up] You two are gonna have an unusual honeymoon this week because… [sings]
“You can look, but you better not touch
You’re gonna need an ocean of calamine lotion
Ah, you’ll be scratchin’ like a hound
The minute you start to mess around
With poison ivy, poison ivy.”

Well, it looks like this marriage seems to be working, huh? [Walks to another table] This marriage seems to be working, am I right?

People At Table: You bet. Overtime, man!

Nick: Ah-ha, good one! [Walks to a table with only a man seated] This marr–where is she? [Walks to a table with a man whispering into a woman’s ear. They both cover their faces when Nick introduces them] Uh-oh, here is Jeff Greenspoon. He’s a guy in the industry that I wanna tell you about, just a minute, but first he’s got a lovely young lady with him. Hey, nymph, what’s your name?

Mrs. Liebowitz: [mumbles] Mrs. Liebowitz.

Nick: I’m sorry, what’s that?

Mrs. Liebowitz: [mumbles] Mrs. Liebowitz.

Nick: I’m sorry, I can’t hear. Please. Thank you.

Mrs. Liebowitz: Mrs. … Liebowitz.

Nick: Oh! Oh! Are you the wife of the man who injured himself when he slipped in one of our heart-shaped bathtubs up here?

Mrs. Liebowitz: That’s right. He’s lying down in our room now.

Nick: Well that is too bad. Could we send a complimentary bottle of Andre champagne over to their room on Nick Springs. And–How about that?

Mrs. Liebowitz: Thank you.

Nick: And now this crazy nut, Jeff Greenspoon, [Jeff covers his eyes with his hand] this is a guy who believed in me when no one did, and the guy who booked me in here at the Pocomont. C’mon, give him a hand! Stand up, would ya Jeff?

[Jeff stands halfway up with his head down, then quickly sits again]

Nick: How do ya feel, Jeff?

Jeff Greenspoon: Ah, wonderful, Nick. I couldn’t-a done it without you. Just keep on doin’ what you’re doin’. Keep your collar open, move around a lot, use the microphone.

Nick: Well, right you are. You know, Jeff, Jeff is a Jew. But he’s always been more than fair with me, and I love that about him. Any requests, Mrs. Liebowitz?

Mrs. Liebowitz: [frustrated] No!

Nick: All right. Jeff and Mrs. Liebowitz, this one is for you. [sings]
“Hava Nagilah, Hava Nagilah, Hava Nagilah, hey v’nismicha
Hava nah-in-din-din, Hava nah-in-din-din
Hava ah-lah, hey v’nismicha
Ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo
Uru achim, b’lev somayach, Uru achim, b’lev somayach
Uru achim, b’lev somayach, Uru achim, b’lev somayach
Uru achim…”

ay-ya! [Turns on the drum machine, imitates the beats and bobs his head as he turns up the tempo] The Univox SR-120, ladies and gentlemen!

“Uru achim! Dun-dun da-da da-da daaaaaa!”

Thank you! Ah! I happen to know Hava Nagilah. Hey, I see the groundskeeper for the Pocomont, Jimmy Joe Red Sky! Come on up here, J.J.!

[Crowd applauds as Jimmy Joe Red Sky walks onstage carrying a dripping dead squirrel]

Nick: Tell the kids what they can do during the daytime here at Pocomont.

Jimmy Joe Red Sky: Well, all the tennis courts are about ready and the driving range, and you can rent your clubs and balls for five bucks. And look at this! [Holds up the squirrel]

Nick: A squirrel!

Jimmy Joe Red Sky: Yeah, I was cleaning out the pool and I found this little guy in the filter. But you can go swimmin’. I just put a lotta chlorine in the water, so don’t open your eyes underwater for a few days. I need a drink, Nick. [walks offstage and exits]

Nick: Ha, it’s on Nick Winter–Nick Springs. Just a second, keep your eyes closed? That was a good one, wasn’t it? Everybody heard that? Ha! Hey, my accompanist, Paul Shaffer. Come on, everyone in the room. [Crowd applauds as Paul partially stands up] Hey, did any–who was playin’ the music so loud this morning? Anybody? Did anybody hear some real loud music about six o’clock? Paul, did you?

Paul: Yes, I did.

Nick: Did it go something like [sings] “da-da-da, da-da” [Paul imitates the melody on the piano] Yeah. [Nick pauses, then turns to the crowd as Paul plays a downward crescendo on the piano] Dah! How many of you were fooled? Come on, hands! [Everyone raises their hands] I got everybody, ha-ha! [sings]
“A first encounter, you
Next encounter, me
The third encounter’s love
The Close Encounters, theeeeme
Close Encounters theme.”

Thank you! Good night, everybody! Go to your rooms!

[dissolve to wide studio shot, with SUPER: “coming up next… Justifiable Pesticide”]

[Applause and fade]

Submitted by: John Ravetti

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 19

77s: Richard Dreyfuss / Jimmy Buffett, Gary Tigerman

Richard Dreyfuss’ Monologue

…Richard Dreyfuss
…John Belushi

[Dissolve from opening credits to Richard Dreyfuss, dressed as Hamlet and holding an Academy Award.]

Don Pardo: Ladies and gentlemen, Richard Dreyfuss!

[Richard walks down the stairs to home base as audience applauds.]

Richard Dreyfuss: Thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. Feel really stupid. [Laughter] I feel like I’m gonna throw up. Ah, I suppose I should explain this. Um, see, I just wanted to come out here, you know, this part of the show to talk to you as myself. But, ah, a certain Not Ready For Prime Time Player said that people are gonna wanna see you act. After all, not every one of our hosts has won the Academy Award, which is true. And anyway, this certain Not Ready For Prime Time Player said that some people didn’t think I deserved the Oscar. Some people thought that Richard Burton deserved the Oscar, said Richard Burton was great in “Hamlet,” y’know, and, ah, said if you’re such a good actor, let’s see you do “Hamlet.” So I said “I don’t think I have to prove anything, you know, just because I won the Academy Award,” and he said “You mean you are supposedly the best actor in the world, [laughter] and you’re afraid to play Hamlet.” So I said “Hold it, hold it, hold it. I’m not the best actor in the world, but, uh, I’m not afraid to play anything, John!” [laughter] So clearly, I-I walked right into it here. And, ah, so, without further ado, ladies and gentlemen, I have to do this, uh. Hamlet’s soliloquy, Act 3, Scene 1, by William Shakespeare.

[The stage lights dim, with Richard remaining in a single spotlight.]

Richard Dreyfuss: To be, or not to be. That is the question. Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune. Or to take arms against a sea of troubles and by opposing, end them. [pauses]

John Belushi: [off-camera] To die, to sleep. [audience laughter]

Richard Dreyfuss: What? What did you say?

John Belushi: To die, to sleep.

Richard Dreyfuss: Why are-Why are you doing this?

John Belushi: [Stepping onto the stage] I was just giving you the line, Richard. I could see you were in trouble here.

Richard Dreyfuss: No, no, no. [Stage lights come back up] I was not in trouble.

John Belushi: Well, there was that long gap, there, you know. I figured you forgot your lines.

Richard Dreyfuss: No, it was not a gap, John. It was a dramatic pause, you know. It’s a way of communicating to the audience the meaning of the words and you ruined it, you blew the moment for me.

John Belushi: Well, hey, look. All I know is I saw a fellow actor in trouble, and I came out to help you, you know?

Richard Dreyfuss: Silence is not trouble, John. Silence is not trouble. Sometimes a moment filled with silence can say a lot more than a moment filled with words.

John Belushi: Okay, okay, you know. I know you don’t do TV. You know, I just thought you lost your place on the cue cards, that’s all.

Richard Dreyfuss: I don’t use cue cards, John, and when I’m doing Shakespeare, actors who do Shakespeare do not use cue cards, you know?

John Belushi: [sarcastically] Ooooo, Shakespeare! Well, What do I know, huh? I’m just a sleazy, late night TV actor, is that it?

Richard Dreyfuss: No, no, I didn’t mean that–

John Belushi: No, no, what do I know about Shakespeare, huh? Mr. Oscar, Mr. Best Actor. Now, Richard Burton, now there’s an actor. When he did Hamlet, when he did Hamlet he was great. He didn’t have to use any pauses. But it takes one drink, and Hollywood blackballs him! Huh, Mr. New Hollywood Establishment? You know? At least when George C. Scott won the Oscar, he didn’t accept it! You know? Marlon Brando sent up an Indian! Now, you could’ve sent up an Indian, but nooooo! You run up there, you “whoo-hoo-hoo, I could stay up here all night.” Maybe I’m just a struggling TV actor, right? Maybe I didn’t win the Oscar, you know? Maybe I have to work every week just to keep my family in clothes and drugs, you know? Maybe I don’t know that much about Shakespeare, you know, or about pausing or England. But I know one thing, [takes the Oscar from Richard] you didn’t deserve this Oscar. [John punches Richard in the stomach and walks offstage. Audience applauds. Stage lights dim again as Richard tries to restart his performance]

Richard Dreyfuss: To be, or… [pouting] I don’t wanna do this anymore. [Takes off Hamlet wig] We’ll be right back. [Walks out of the spotlight as audience applauds]

[fade]

Submitted by: John Ravetti

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 19

77s: Richard Dreyfuss / Jimmy Buffett, Gary Tigerman

Father Guido Sarducci

…..Richard Dreyfuss
Father Guido Sarducci…..Don Novello

Richard Dreyfuss: All the way from Rome — the rock critic and gossip columnist for L’observateur Romano, the Vatican newspaper, and my spiritual advisor — Father Guido Sarducci!

[ camera zooms over to Father Guido Sarducci standing on crutches ]

Father Guido Sarducci: Thank you! Thank you! Hey, it’s-a wonderful to be back in-a America. I tell you, it’s-a not so wonderful to be-a on-a these-a crutches! You know? But… that’s-a the way-a it goes. I got into this-a big motorcycle accident — in Rome. I just-a passed up a couple trucks, you know? And I-a just went down to-a straighten out my St. Christopher Medal… and-a from NOWHERE, you know, there’s-a this like-a… [ he claps his hands together ] I got hit by a nun on a Vespa. That’s right. I’m telling you. I was-a in the hospital, you know, and it’s just been one thing after another, you know? But — thank you, God — I’m feeling better now, you know, and everything’s-a pretty good.

While I was-a busy in the hospital, I was-a translating some-a new encyclical… that the pope’s coming out with in a couple of months. And I’m-a telling you, it’s gonna shake up a LOT of people. That-a Pope, you know, he’s-a really got GUTS! [ he takes a drag on his cigarette ] You know… most of the time, we don’t like-a to tell people new stuff, you know, because they can’t-a change, you know? Like, we’ve known for years and years about Jesus’ younger brother. He had a younger brother. Billy… was-a his name. Billy Christ. Actually, it’s his-a stepbrother. Stepbrother, you know? And-a we got the PROOF, too. We got-a this-a PROOF. Because we got a lot of paintings, you know? And-a it shows Jesus walking on-a the water — and-a next to him, you can see like there’s a leaf in the water. You think it’s a leaf, but if you look-a real close… you can=a see like it’s the top of a snorkel. It was-a Billy down there, and, you know, and-a his-a brother was, you know, stepping on him. You know. On-a his-a shoulders, you had the snorkel, you know, and… I mean, I don’t mean to make fun — I mean-a, Jesus, you know, he was-a the greatest man who ever lived. But, I mean… he couldn’t-a walk on water, you know? Coem on! Grow up! [ he takes a drag on his cigarette ]

Anyway — the Pope’s-a doing an encyclical. It’s called the “Vita est Lavorum.” In English, that means: “Life, It’s A Job.” And that’s-a what-a we found out — life is hard, you think it’s difficult sometimes? That’s-a because it’s a JOB! We’re all-a getting paid $14.50 a day. It don’t sound like much. I mean, $14.50 a day, but, you know, over a period of, like, 60-70-80 years… it’s-a nothing to sneeze your nose at. And-a, what happens to you when-a you die… you know, it’s like-a the soul leaves the body, it’s like a little bubbling 7-Up. You know? It just-a- goes-a shooting up, and-a you see yourself going down this-a long tunnel — but you’re not afraid. And then, when you get to the end, you see your whole life go by you. You know? From when you was a little-a baby… ’til the day you die. And then… they pay you. God and his-a helpers. You know, they bring-a in all of this money, and then… God goes over all-a of-a your sins. And ou get FINED. You know, it’s like, uh… like, maybe like stealing a car’s like $400. Murder is… maybe, you know, the worst — it’s like $50,000. And masturbation… eh, maybe, you know, like twenty-five, thirty-five cents. You know. That’s-a cheap sin. You know, but-a for a lot of people, you know, it can amount up. It-a just-a shows, you know — there is-a NO free lunch.

Anyway — you got-a all of your sins, you know? And if you have enough money to pay for your sins, you can-a go to Heaven. But — if you don’t have enough money, you gotta go back again, you know? And, like, be born again, and, like going back-a to work, you know? And-a, you know, it’s-a real-a tough. But… [ he takes a drag on his cigarette ] some guys, like mafiosa types, you know, they might have to spend-a four, five lifetimes as nuns… just making up for it, you know? Most nuns are former mafiosas. I don’t know if you know that. That’s the truth.

Anyway — it was-a MORE than wonderful spending a couple of moments in here-a with you. Arriverderci, America!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 19

77s: Richard Dreyfuss / Jimmy Buffett, Gary Tigerman

Goodnights

…..Richard Dreyfuss

Richard Dreyfuss: [ still atop the piano ] Thank you very much for coming, I hope you enjoyed the show! Go see “The Big Fix” in October! And —

[ Dreyfuss notices the Land Shark rising at his side, as the “Jaws” theme plays ]

Richard Dreyfuss: Agggghhhhh!!!!

[ the Land Shark gobbles Dreyfuss up, then falls back to the ground at the foot of the piano ]

[ the cast, Gary Tigerman, and crutchbound Jimmy Buffett and Father Guido Sarducci surround the piano ]

[ Dan Aykroyd comes to the front of the piano to show off his “Don’t Buy Books By Crooks” Nixon t-shirt ]

[ Dreyfuss re-appears from behind the piano, then saunters around front to demonstrate his bravada as the Land Shark raises his head from behind the piano ]

SNL Transcripts