Vickie: Best I’ve ever seen you play, Sally! You seem so poised and self-assured today.
Sally: [ upbeat ] Thanks, Vickie! I am! I never even knew it was POSSIBLE to be this sure of myself as a woman! [ she takes an object from her locker ]
Vickie: What’s that?
Sally: Oh, it’s this WONDERFUL new woman’s product! I don’t know — I’ve just been so confident and secure ever ince I’ve had it!
Vickie: Well, what’s it for?
Sally: [ she chuckles ] Confidence!
Vickie: Well, do you put it on you, or in you?
Sally: [ ambivalent ] I guess so!
Vickie: Is it welcomed protection against odor all year round?
Sally: Possibly!
Vickie: Does it come in flavors?
Sally: Maybe!
Vickie: What’s two and two?
Sally: FOUR!
Vickie: Just checking. [ she grabs the object and looks around it ] Well, does it have a name?
Sally: Uh — I don’t know!
Vickie: [ frustrated ] Well, how do you open it?
Sally: I don’t know! I honestly don’t know. I just know I’ve never felt so feminine or so protected in my whole life! [ she turns to the camera and smiles ] So — if you want to feel fresh and confident all year round, look for the Pink Box — wherever it might be sold!
[ dissolve to product slide ]
Announcer: [ over TEXT ] A woman’s product so personal that even we don’t what it is.
[ cut back to Sally ]
Sally: Having it solves the problem of… being without it!
Madeline Kahn: Thank you, calm down. Okay. As you know, the show’s started a little late tonight because it has been pouring in Philadelphia, and the poor fellas had to play ball in the rain. But they did it anyway! And I just want you to know that it is raining in New York right now — in fact, it is raining right here in the studio. But we are going to do this show ANYWAY! Okay! [ the audience applauds ] You cannot see the rain — I heard you cannot see the rain, it’s just a slight drizzle. But it is here.
Okay. Why do we like this show? The atmosphere is CHARGED with excitement — why do we like that? Because we are dealing with the unknown. I can tell you that for a fact. I have no idea what’s going to happen tonight. I certainly cannot promise you quality of any kind. But we are dealing with the unknown. You can sort of just sit back and revel in the unknown, because it is something that we don’t like to do in life. Although, in life, every moment is, in fact, unknown. There is nothing that we know. We like to think that we know, we like to think that we have plans… get out our little date books, and we have appointments, and we have our goals! We have our goals in life, our ages, and so on. We don’t know any of it. I hate to tell you this — I know you don’t want to hear it. In fact, there is only one thing that we can know for sure, and… that is that we are ALL going to die. [ suddenly upbeat ] Uh — but we’re not gonna dwell on THAT! We’re not gonna dwell on that, ’cause there’s no POINT in it! No point at all.
So, join me, won’t you? And let’s all have a rip-snorting good time — [ she laughs ] on “Saturday Night Live”. Thank you very much, and we’ll be right back.
[ open on Lorne Michaels, Producer, seated at a desk surrounded by plants and wall photos ]
Lorne Michaels: How many of you out there watching this show right now are saying to yourselves, “You know, Madeline Kahn is pretty good, but… I think I could do a better job than that.” Well… here’s your chance. Because, now, Anyone Can Host Saturday Night Live. All you have to do is write a postcard and state, in 25 words or less, why you want to host “Saturday Night Live”. And mail your postcard to:
[ address card fades onto screen ]
ANYONE CAN HOSTBox 722Radio City StationNew York, New York 10019
Lorne Michaels V/O: Your entry MUST be in by Midnight, November the 1st.
[ cut back to Lorne ]
Lorne Michaels: You need no theatrical experience — just talent and a strong belief in yourself. If your postcard is funny — in the opinion of our staff — you might be one of the FIVE finalists who will be fown to New York in November to read your postcard, LIVE, on the show. [ he stifles a laugh ] Then it’s up to you, the people at home, to decide. The lucky winner will be flown to New York, put up in the swank Eck — [ he laughs ] Eck — Essex House Hotel! And, uh, get to meet and work with the Not Ready For Prime Time Players. And you’ll be paid the same $3,000 we pay any other host, or even The Beatles, uh, if they’d only show up. Best of all, you’ll host “Saturday Night”‘s Christmas show on December 17th.
So, just drop us a post card… However — if you should see ANY of the Not Ready For Prime Time Players, or anyone from “Saturday Night”, including myself, let’s say, at a fancy restaurant, and you say to yourself, “Hey! Why mail a postcard? I’ll just drop it off now at their table!” You’ll be immediately disqualified. Otherwise, we don’t care who or what you are. If you can lick a stamp, you’re on your way to stardom.
So, there it is. Anyone Can Host, and we give you that chance because… that’s just the kind of people we are.
[ address card fades onto screen ]
ANYONE CAN HOSTBox 722Radio City StationNew York, New York 10019
Don Pardo V/O: Send your post cards to: ANYONE CAN HOST / Box 722 / Radio City Station / New York, New York 10019.
Employees and the families of employees of RCA, NBC, or any of their related companies, are not eligible. This contest is void where prohibited by law.
Frank…..Bill Murray Emmett…..Jane Curtin Dean Archer…..Dan Aykroyd Craig Baker…..John Belushi Ross Jamal…..Garrett MorrisMalcolm…..Bert Jones …..Ahmed
[ open on review panel at Santa Barbara School of Law ]
Frank: Now, uh, we want you both to understand that this is a very unusual thing, but we’ve decided to hear you both and decide which of you will get the last remaining place in the Class of ’81.
[ reveal the two candidates: Craig Baker and blind man Ross Jamal ]
Emmet: Mr. Jamal, I think I should already tell you that we had already accepted you under our Special Admissions program, but Mr. Craig Baker, who was not accepted, is threatening to sue the university on grounds of reverse discrimination.
Dean Archer: Mr. Baker, would you like to explain your position to the committee?
Craig Baker: With PLEASURE, Dean Archer! [ he grabs his briefcase ] As you know, law school admissions are based on the, uh, grade point averages and the LSAT — the Law Scholastic Aptitude Test. Now… [ he removes his records ] I maintained a 3.18 GPA in college, while Mr. Jamal here had a 2.95. I scored a 153 on the LSATs, and Mr. Jamal had an inferior 492, despite the advantage of having the test read to him. So if you accept Mr. Jamal, it will simply be a case of reverse discrimination and I will SUE!
Emmet: Mr. Baker, Mr. Jamal qualified for the admission program to the disadvantaged because he is both a poor minority and handicapped.
Craig Baker: Yeah. Right. But — I majored in Pre-Law, and my Senior paper was on, uh, Reverse Discrimination. I KNOW my subject. I’m a debater. Look at this box.
Dean Archer: Mr. Jamal?
Ross Jamal: Uh-huh?
Dean Archer: What do you think?
Ross Jamal: Well, I agree with Mr. Baker. I understand what he means. But I don’t think that grades should be the only criteria. You know, my grades were brought down by the “D” I made in Art Appreciation. I can tell the difference in the brushstrokes between the Flemish and the Impressionists, but they used slides in the tests, you know? And, uhhhh… I-I-I did pretty good on sculptures, though. I did.
Emmet: Mr. Jamal, it says here that you are an orphan and supported fourteen younger brothers and sisters while working your way through college. Now, what type of a job did you have?
Ross Jamal: Oh, I was a proofreader for a Braille book publisher.
Craig Baker: Well, if you’ve spent so much time reading, you would think you would have done better on the LSATs!
Frank: Well, this is really a tough decision. Could you excuse us for a minute, gentlemen?
[ the three of them lean in and whisper to one another ]
Dean Archer: I don’t know, Frank, uh… I certainly don’t want to see the law school go to court. If this boy wants to sue, it could cost a lot of money and time, and I don’t think the institution should be put through it.
Emmet: You’re right, we really have no choice here.
[ they nod in agreement ]
Frank: Okay, Mr. Baker, Mr. Jamal… This is very difficult. We have to choose between two students: One has better grades, the other has overcome severe disadvantages. And, of course, both… are black.
Ross Jamal: Huh? Both Black?
[ Craig Baker breathes a huge sigh of relief ]
Frank: Yes. It’s a very tough choice, indeed…
Ross Jamal: [ excited ] Are you a brother?
Craig Baker: Uhhh… yeah… uh, yeah, bro!
Ross Jamal: [ taking his hand ] Oh, I didn’t know that!
Craig Baker: Yeah!
Ross Jamal: I didn’t know that!
Frank: Well… we might as well just leave it to chance, I think. [ he steps closer to the students, coolly shaking hands with Craig Baker in front of Mr. Jamal’s blind eyes ] Mr. Jamal, I’m holding up 1 or 2 fingers — Which is it, odd or even?
Ross Jamal: Uhhhh… even.
[ everyone stifles their laughter ]
Frank: Sorry, it’s odd. Congratulations, Mr. Baker.
Craig Baker: Uh, thanks! Thanks!
Ross Jamal: I was gonna say “Odd”!
Frank: You probably should have. Thank you very much, gentlemen, for your time. We appreciate it. Good luck to you BOTH, no matter what you do. We’ve got another meeting.
[ the panel exits ]
Craig Baker: Sorry we both couldn’t get in, but that’s the breaks.
Ross Jamal: Oh, that’s alright, since you a brother.
Craig Baker: Yeah, right on! Well, uh — can I take you for a ride to the bus stop, or something…?
Ross Jamal: Oh, no, that’s alright. My brothers brought me in from Oakland. They’re waiting outside in the car. [ calling out ] Ahmed! Malcolm!
[ two big burly black dudes saunter in ]
Malcolm: Yeah, what’s up? How’d it go, man?
Ross Jamal: Oh, not too good man. [ points to Craig ] But meet the brother who made it into law school.
Malcolm: [ looking around ] Brother? Him?
Craig Baker: [ jumps up nervously ] Well, hey! Yeah, I’m a brother! Yeah! Right on, Temptations! You know? [ he does a fast tap-dance ] I’m an octaroon! That’s it, I’m an octaroon! Really! I stay out of the sun, you know what I mean? No, really… I study all the time… It looks like you just ripped off by Whitey again!
[ Craig rushes out of the room ]
[ pull back on set, with SUPER: “Coming Up Next… Are We Losing The Battle Against Selsius?” ]
Narrator: Bianca Jagger has just finished eating dinner in this television studio… with Three Or Four Of Her Close Personal Friends. At the table tonight: [ revealed in close-up, one at a time ] Truman Capote… Princess Grace… Margaret Trudeau… and our hostess, Bianca Jagger. Won’t you join Bianca for wine, cheese and grapes?
[ the Narrator turns his attention to the table, as the camera zooms closer ]
Truman Capote: [ cackling with glee ] You know, Bianca — Everyone knows how much you’ve changed, now that you’re a working woman. I mean, you’re just not the same Bianca.
Bianca Jagger: Of course, I’m not the same. How could I be the same? I’ve completely changed.
Truman Capote: How do you feel that you’ve changed?
Bianca Jagger: How do I feel that I’ve changed? You’re so silly. You know that I was… leading the party life before I was working. You know that for a fact. If I was invited to a party, I’d take the plane, I’d get on the plane, I go to the country, I learn the language, I go to the party! I AM the party! That is what it is.
Truman Capote: Yeah, it’s true. It’s really true. You are the party.
Bianca Jagger: That is true. But I am working now. That is the pattern of my life. I am working now, and I have learned something… that is very, very important in life. And that is that you must… be… on… time. If you are called to a place, to be there at one o’clock… you do not arrive at five o-clock. You will have kept everyone waiting for… [ thinking ] four hours. This is what I used to do if I were to arrive, because what is time? Time is nothing. What is time? Time never met… What is time? Time is nothing. But this has completely changed now.
Grace Kelly: How’s Mick?
Margaret Trudeau: Yes! How is Mick? I thought he was gonig to be here?
Bianca Jagger: How is Mick? [ a beat ] I come from Nicaragua. There is a saying amongst the very wealthy women there, which says that… “You cannot shave your legs after your pantyhose are on.” And I believe that this is true.
Truman Capote: Ah! Yes, that is true!
Grace Kelly: Of course, it’s true.
Margaret Trudeau: Oh, you’re right! Because… if you nick yourself, you can’t get a Band-aid on underneath them.
Bianca Jagger: You completely misunderstood!
Truman Capote: Bianca… you’re so beautiful. Um… you are.
Bianca Jagger: You are!
Truman Capote: Thank you! Uh — Do you think that make-up is important?
Bianca Jagger: Do I think that make-up is important? [ a beat ] I do not USE make-up, Truman, and you KNOW that I do not use make-up! What is make-up? Make-up uses ME! I make the make-up to look GOOD! You COMPLETELY misunderstand!
Margaret Trudeau: Where is Mick? I thought he was going to be here for dinner!
Truman Capote: Yes, where is Mick?
Grace Kelly: There is a saying amongst the poor owmen of Monaco: “If your husband is late for dinner… maybe he has eaten somewhere else.”
Bianca Jagger: You make me so jealous.
Truman Capote: Oh, that Mick is such a raw talent, you know? What is it like being married to a man like MICK JAGGER?
Bianca Jagger: What is it like…? I have learned… many things. Like I have learned that a woman — I… am woman, woman I am — When a woman is married to, for instance, a… Mick Jagger. And if her first name is, for instance… Bianca. Then, she — the woman — gets to call herself… Bianca Jagger.
Truman Capote: That’s such a marvelous name for this world…
Margaret Trudeau: I wish Mick would get here, he has such a sensual lower lip.
Truman Capote: God, that’s true!
Grace Kelly: He’s very popular in Monaco, I wanted to ask him to be on our stamp.
Truman Capote: God, he’s be beautiful! You know, everything is a question of attitude. You know, how you feel and how you are. I used to feel short, I looked short. Now I feel tall, and I am tall — unless I have to reach for something high on a shelf.
Bianca Jagger: This is — I cannot — I — I — I just — What are we talking about? We are talking about reaching. We are talking about NOTHING! [ she looks into the camera ] You must understand me, I’m sorry. I must be honest — These people are NOT my friends! Okay? This is NOT my dining room. I would not have MY friends SIT in a dinning room like this. This is a television show, I’m terribly sorry. I don’t particularly care for these people, I don’t particularly care for TELEVISION! I don’t particularly care for any… What is CARE?! What is it? What is I? What is what? What is WHAT?! You understand me? I mean, I cannot bear it! I cannot bear it! I really cannot.
[ as Bianca continues to ramble on, the Narrator steps back in front of the table ]
Narrator: You just had wine, cheese and grapes with Bianca Jagger… And Three Or Four Of Her Close Personal Friends.
[ pull out, with SUPER: “Coming up Next… Will Barry Manilow Outlive His Wardrobe?” ]
Madeline Kahn: [ hurriedly ] Good night, thank you for watching! Good night. Thank you for watching. THank you, Barrie Humphries. Thank you, Taj Mahal.
[ the credits have already come up and begin to roll ]
Announcer: Next Saturday night, the host will be Hugh Hefner, with musical guest Libby Titus. And Andy Kaufman! Until then, remember: Columbus Day is coming up, so why don’t you try to discover something? This is Don Pardo saying: “Good night.”
Silver Balls & Golden Pins
Preacher…..Bill Murray
Singer…..Madeline Kahn
[ open on Preacher at pulpit ]
Preacher: You know… When I was in the Army, there was a guy in our outfit. A quiet little guy, who always had a kind word for everybody. And this guy never went to church. Instead, he’d go bowling every Sunday morning. So one day, the Chaplain saw him, and he went over and he asked: “Soldier, why are you bowling on the Lord’s day?” And the little guy sort of smiled, and this is what he said:
[ wipe to Singer ]
Singer:
“Life is like… a bowling alley
There’s a fast lane and a slowwwww.
And a score sheet up in Heaven
Which records… the deep below.”
[ dissolve back to sermon ]
Preacher: Ah, do you remember what a thrill it was when that first ball crept down the alley? And by some wondrous and amazing miracle, you knocked over ALL the pins and you felt just like Mr. Dick Weber himself! Because you just took ’em out! Because you just took ’em down, because you JUST threw your very first strike!
[ wipe to Singer ]
Singer:
“‘Cause you practiced every weekend
You were startin’ to improve.
Now you’ve learned to throw the big ball
And your hook… is in the groove.”
[ wipe to reveal that Singer is a statuette atop a bowling trophy ]
Singer:
“And with a grace… that youth alone knows
Fortune smiles on every try.
Soon you’re bowlin’ for a team
And getting ones… and scorin’ high.”
[ dissolve back to sermon ]
Preacher: Yes… but the years roll by, and some days the lanes are dark and dreary. And you just can’t hit the pocket, and the pins keep standing like they’re part of the building! Why, it seems like only yesterday you were showing them how it’s done, and now your powerhouse has turned into a POWDER PUFF! But you don’t quit! You pick up the old apple, and you give it all you’ve got, and when the maw and maple stops spinning around, you find yourself looking down the alley at bedposts, snake eyes, mule ears, telephone poles — in other words, the impossible 7-10 split. And so you ask Him to guide your ball… but you miss anyway, and you start to lose your faith in bowling… and begin thinking seriously about taking up GOLF!
[ wipe to Singer ]
Singer:
“If you end up in the gutterrrrr
Don’t feel shaaaaaame, and don’t feel sorrowwwww!
You can allllllways up your average
You bowl again tomorrowwwwww!”
[ dissolve to full shot of trophy, with Singer surrounded by bowlers ]
“‘Cause all too soon, the ball grows heavy
And your hair, gets tinged to gray.
Hands that tremble, feet that falter
And it doesn’t help to pray.
‘Cause You can’t bear to see the head pin
Gonna halt a perfect game.
AS you look, back on your scorecard
Empty dreams and open frames.”
[ dissolve back to sermon ]
Preacher: And then one day, you wake up in the BIGGEST bowling center you ever saw. The balls are silver like the moon, and the pins are golden like the sun, and the foul line… well, the foul line is the Milky Way. Yes, you rent your shoes from angels and they fit real good, too! But, friend, just one word of advice: There ain’t no beer frame in Heaven.
[ wipe to Singer with bowlers on trophy ]
Singer:
“Leave all doubts, and fears behind you
Say goodbye to earthly woes
As the veil is lifted, and you
learn the secret, of the pros.
There you’ll be rollin’ strikes like thunder
You’ll be smaaaaashing pins like rain.
Winning trophies, make up rainbows
On an evvvvvverlasting lane!
In an alabaster alley
Silver balls and golden pins!
You’ll be bowwwwwlin’ with the Master
But the Master always wins! Ha!
In an alabaster alley
Silver balls and golden pins!
You’ll be bowwwwwlin’ with the Master
But the Master all-always wiiiiiiiiiins!”
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 3: Episode 2 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos: Bit Players:
October 8th, 1977 Madeline Kahn Taj Mahal Barry Humphries Lorne Michaels Andy Murphy Jim Downey Alan Zweibel Tom Schiller Mitchell Laurance Tom Davis Al Franken The Trial Of Lee Harry OswaldSummary: ABC’s “the names have been changed to protect the innocent” version of the JFK assassination features Lee Harry Oswald (Bill Murray) being hit in the face with a pie. Transcript
Montage
Madeline Kahn’s MonologueSummary: Madeline Kahn announces that the show will go on, despite the rainy weather, then comments on the uncertain nature of live television and life itself. First Hosted: 75s. Transcript
SwillSummary: A traveling salesman (Bill Murray) savors the flavor of the mineral weater dredged from Lake Erie. Transcript
Bad OperaSummary: An opera singer’s (Madeline Kahn) performance in “Die Goldenklang” is ruined by a case of larynx lock while performing the Golden Note. Recurring Characters: Leonard Pinth-Garnell, Steve Bushakis, Ronnie Bateman.
Anyone Can Host ContestSummary: Lorne Michaels announces the “Anyone Can Host” contest for home viewers. Transcript
Bianca Jagger and Three or Four of Her Close Personal FriendsSummary: A glimpse at the intimate yet mundane dinner conversations between Bianca Jagger (Madeline Kahn) and her close personal friends Truman Capote (John Belushi), Princess Grace (Jane Curtin), and Margaret Trudeau (Laraine Newman). Recurring Characters: Truman Capote, Princess Grace. Transcript
Taj Mahal performs “Queen Bee”
“The Acid Generation: Where Are They Now?”Summary: One decade later, the hippies from the 1960’s are elderly, retired, and nostalgic for the old days.
Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Dan AykroydSummary: NBC’s Dancing N hands a news bulletin to Dan Aykroyd. Dan Aykroyd dons a fake Russian accent to narrate supposed file footage of the 1957 Sputnik launch. Entertainment reporter Bill Murray reviews the new Donny & Marie show and expresses his concern for Marie’s sexy new image.
Silver Balls & Golden PinsSummary: As a preacher (Bill Murray) delivers his sermon, the female statuette (Madeline Kahn) atop a bowling trophy sings “Silver Balls & Golden Pins”. Transcript
Reverse DiscriminationSummary: Vengeful Craig Baker (John Belushi) sues for reverse discrimination when a blind black man (Garrett Morris) is accepted to law school instead of him. Transcript
“Autumn In New York”Summary: In a film by Gary Weis, Madeline Kahn sings “Autumn in New York” while prancing through the city.
The Pink BoxSummary: Sally’s (Gilda Radner) new feminine hygeine product is personal and mysterious that neither she or Vickie (Laraine Newman) can figure out what it is or what it’s supposed to do. Transcript
Hercules Movie DubSummary: Voice actor (Dan Aykroyd) handles all the voices while dubbing a Hercules film for English audiences.
Dame Edna EverageSummary: Madeline Kahn interviews British stage actress Dame Edna Everage (Barry Humphries) on a variety of odd topics.
Pocket PalSummary: Traveling businessman (Dan Aykroyd) carries the electronic device that can predict mid-air collisions within ten seconds of impact. Transcript
Women’s SecretsSummary: A drunken Judith (Madeline Kahn) and Gail (Gilda Radner) divulge randy secrets while waiting a man to call Gail the day after their date.
[ open on the new Weekend Update newsdesk: Jane Curtin and Dan Aykroud seated in position, as the night’s correspondents, Bill Murray, John Belushi, and Laraine Newman, stand around them. Garrett Morris soon steps forward as well. ]
Announcer: And now “Weekend Update”, with the “Weekend Update” news team. Here are co-anchorpersons Dan Aykroyd and Jane Curtin.
[ cut to close-up two-shot of Jane and Dan ]
Dan Aykroyd: Good evening, I’m Dan Aykroyd.
Jane Curtin: And I’m Jane Curtin.
Our top story tonight: The house of Represnetatives, yesterdays, voted to increase the mandatory retirement age from 65 to 70. Opponents of the measure immediately released a bill raising the age of birth from 0 to 5.
In November, President Carter will make a 24,000-mile journey, taking him from Venuezela, Brazil, India, Iran, France, Poland, Belgium, and Nigeria. Carter cancelled plans to spend Thanksgiving with Idi Amin in Uganda, saying he doesn’t like the taste of Turk.
Jane Curtin: Thank you, Jane. This just in: the Surgeon General’s office has released results of tests which establish a definite link between fire and third-degree burns.
Jane Curtin: Correspondent Laraine Newman has just returned from a month-long trip to China, and has filed this report. Laraine?
Laraine Newman: Jane, I spent Rosh Hanshana (?) this year in the People’s Republic of China. And I must say, I can recommend it highly to anyone looking for an interesting way to ring in the new year — or gong in the new year, as they say in Beijing, Jane. But… my trip was marred by a somber event, Jane: the observance of the first anniversary of the death of Chairman Mao Tse-tung It was an impressive and emotional ceremony, with literally millions of people who made pilgrimages to Peking to pay homage to their fallen leader. And I was proud and happy to represent “Weekend Update” in this event. I was also fortunate to obtain one of a limited number of official mementos of this occasion. [ she grabs a prop ] It’s this replica of Chairman Mao in his crystal vault. [ she flips the prop upside-down, which has the same comic event of a snowglobe ] It’s not only a fitting commemorative object, Jane, but it is also quite decorative as well. The new Mao paperweight, Jane! Back to you.
Jane Curtin: [ clearly appalled ] Fascinating.
Cher Bono checked out of Doctor’s Hospital in New York last week, after undergoing cosmetic surgery to have her breasts lifted. Husband Gregg Allman could not be reached for comment, as we understand that he’s just checked into Doctor’s Hospital to have his hands lifted.
Dan Aykroyd: I hope things work out okay there, Jane.
Jane Curtin: I do, too, Dan.
Dan Aykroyd: We’ll be right back after the weather.
[ they sit there nearly uncomfortable, waiting for the cut to the weather ]
[ cut to Autumn footage, as SUPER appears:
“WEATHER UPDATE
Temperature 75: degrees F: 24 degrees C
Barometer: Broken
Air Quality: The Pits” ]
[ next screen reads:
“Five Days Ahead
Sun. Showers 72 degrees
Mon. Cool 65 degrees
Tues. Mild 75 degrees
Wed. Firestorms 451 degrees
Thur. No data –” ]
[ cut back to the news desk, as Bill Murray sits to Jane’s right and looks around ]
Jane Curtin: And here’s film critic Bill Murray, with a review of “The Deep” for us. Bill?
Bill Murray: Thank you, Jane. Hello, everybody. And I mean that. Now, get out of here! I love you! I hope everyone had a primo summer. Yours Truly, the Party Animal, went totally insane for three months!
Say, speaking of fun, tonight I’m reviewing “The Deep”, Columbia Pictures’ summer blockbuster smash. The same guy who wrote “Jaws” — Benchley — wrote it. They gave him multo dinero to do it again. Anyway, I haven’t seen the film yet, uh — I went to the screening, they usually start late… my date was drunk, and I arrived later that usual and missed the whole thing. I asked some friends about it, and they said, “Well, you know, Jacqueline Bisset looks GREAT!” Well, you know, when I think of myself, I think of a guy who has no preconceptions… and I love that about myself, I LOve it! And, with movie tastes involved, you just can’t trust anybody. so I’m gonna screen a clip of the movie right now, and then I’ll tell you what I think. Can we roll that tape, Davey?
[ cut to footage of divers under the water ]
Of course, Nick Note, there he is. Oh, there’s Jackie. She looks terrific. They say on the set she was terrific with the animals, and look how close they get to her.
[ cut to dinner scene in the film ]
There’s Nick… and Robert Shaw…
[ cut back to Bill at the dek ]
Hmm… [ thinking ] Nick Nolte, LOSE the moustache. Okay? Lose it. Totally. I mean, who are you kidding? You look like a Denver cop. Come on. Give me one break. Please! That’s NOT the Nick Nolte that I know and I loved in “Rich Man, Poor Man”. Now don’t get me wrong and moan about it and call me up. I’m sorry, Nick, that’s the way I feel! Now, get OUT of here! I mean it!
Robert Shaw. You disturb me, Robert, you really do. I used to LOVE you, and I don’t think there’s anyone who’s more respected in the entire industry. But the accent — I mean, what are you? What are you, Scotch, English, Irish? You always sound like you’re selling Lucky Stars, or something — Irish Spring. You know, fix that up. Will you? Please? And regain my respect. Please? Thank you.
Jackie Bisset. Your time has come, girl. Your charm and body filled the entire screen. But you’ve GOT to stop doing this stuff, it doesn’t stretch you as an actress. Now, you can be a success, honey, IF you look out for Jackie Bisset. Now, come on! Don’t let any o these little-minded people try to make you what you’re not. You’re YOU! BE it! Just BE Jackie! We love Jackie! BE it!
Okay, that’s my first review of the season. You don’t like it? Well, I’m sorry, but that’s the way I feel. Now, get out of here! I mean it! This is Bill Murray for “Weekend Update”, throwing it over to my buddy at the sports desk — Garrett Morris. Get out of here, Garrett!
Garrett Morris: Great, Bill. Great, really great, Bill. Uh — this Thursday, Mohamed Ali defends his title against Ernie Shavers. And, although people say that Ali’s out of shape, I still pick the champ to win. Especially after this mishap this week, when Shaver’s sparring partner hit him so hard that it knocked Ernie’s brain through his helmet. Now, in figh circles, an exposed brain is considered a disadvantage.
And, uh, two weeks ago, Hank Aaron’s home run record was broken by Sadaharu Oh, a Japanese player for the Tokyo Giants. And we have a tape of that historic occasion. [ roll tape ] There’s the shot… Now, it looks like a 100-foot homer, doesn’t it? But, actually, that fence is a little over sixty feet. You see, everything is smaller over there. I’ve been over there, you know, and the bases look like little bean bags, and they use this little tiny ball, it looks almost like a golf ball. Yeah, I think the man’s gonna do the speech now — yeah. The balls are much lighter over there, too, I know that.
Sadaharu Oh: [ withtranslated SUPER ] “I’m the luckiest man on the face of the Earth. Even luckier than Lou Gehrig. Let’s face it… I’m not that great an athlete. I’m short, awkward and I’m also not a Negro. If I were playing in the United States, I’d be hitting around .203. I’m the luckiest non-Negro on Earth. Good Night.”
[ cut back to Garrett ]
Garrett Morris: And that’s the sports. Back to you, Dan.
Dan Aykroyd: Okay, Garrett. Thanks, uh — thanks a lot.
In a settlement reached this week, Jacqueline Onassis will receive $26 million from her late husband’s estate, with the following conditions: She will break all ties with the family, she will drop all further claims, and she will return Mr. Onassis’ body.
Jane Curtin: “Update” correspondent Jhon Belushi has just returned from Durango, Mexico, and he has this report for us. John?
John Belushi: Thank you, Janey. You know, every year “Weekend Update” awards a scholarship to a worthy student from another country who shows, in our opinion, promise in the field of journalism.It’s a $2,500 award, which is comprised of contributions collected from the members of our own “Weekend Update” news team. Ferreting out the proper recipient is a tough task, indeed, and this year found me south of the border in beautiful Durango, Mexico. Which is located, uhhh — about 800 miles south of El Paso.
[ show trip photo ]
Here I am. That’s a, uh — beautiful, beautiful waterfalls there.
[ next photo ]
And, uh, there is Father Chu Chu Marin, Headmaster of Durango’s School for Boys. He recommended a handful of youngsters who he deemed worthy of this scholarship. [ next photo ] There’s some of them. Who to choose. That was the hard part — until I met Carlos Santangelo.
[ reveal Carlos’ photo ]
An 18-year old student. And I immediately knew that I finally connected with the best candidate for the scholarship. Though other students had better grades and more journalistic promise than the illiterate Carlos, I chose him because I discovered that he had some connections of his own.
[ reveal photo of John and Carlos holding a bag of marijuana ]
Here I am, uh — here I am making the official presentation to award winner Carlos Santangelo.
[ cut back to John at the news desk ]
So, special considerations for next year’s award will be given to worthy students who attend school at Bogota, Columbia. Okay, Jane. I think we all benefitted from that little trip, didn’t we?
Jane Curtin: [ aghast ] I think we all did, John.
Entertainer Sammy Davis, Jr., in an effort to cut down on expenses, has gotten rid of his limosine. However, he has kept his chauffeur, shown here delivering Davis to a nightclub engagement.
Dan Aykroyd: This just in: In a daring midnight raid, the houston Police force has arrested the Philadelphia Police force.
[ the following SCROLL appears above Dan’s head as he delivers the next story: “…For Update viewers who are hard of hearing: — for the next 30 seconds there will be a test of the Emergency Broadcast System ….. We repeat, this is just a test … BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEP …. Thank you …. ” ]
Dan Aykroyd: During the Lance Hearings, Sen. Charles Percy of Illinois has been inaccurately accused of tax fraud and embezzlement. Percy later apologized, saying that anyone can make a mistake. Well, this story has JUST come in: In 1946, while in the Navy, Percy had sex with a polar bear.
Jane Curtin: Uh, wait a minute, Dan. We just had a reprot that that story is inaccurate. But we do have this, uh, from one of our sources: In 1972, Percy personally ordered the assassination of baseball player Roberto Clemente.
Dan Aykroyd: Uh, this bulletin is JUST coming in, Jane: That last story is, in fact, inaccurate, but we DO have information that in 1957, Percy ordered the assassination of a polar bear while having SEX with Roberto Clemente. [ Jane shakes her head ] More on that story, uh, when we get some of the facts. [ he looks offscreen ] Will someone check that out?
Jane Curtin: Well, that’s the news. I’m Jane Curtin.
Dan Aykroyd: And… Dan Aykroyd.
Jane Curtin: Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.
Announcer: “Weekend Update” is a presenation of Saturday Night News. Keeping America informed for over a fiftieth of a century.
Spokesman: Introducing the 1978 Royal Deluxe II. A luxury nameand a luxury ride at a middle-range price? Impossible? We’ve come to Temple Beth Shalom in Little Neck, New York, and asked Rabbi Mayer Taklas to circumcise 8-day-old Benjamin Kanter while riding in the back seat of the elegant Royal Deluxe II.
Performing circumcision is demanding. It requires a sure handand a steady cutting surface. [ the car takes off ] To show you that our ride is the finest, sweetest in the world, we’ve deliberately picked this road because of its rough, uneven surface. This was an actual demonstration. Speed: 40 MPH.
The stylish Royal Deluxe II rides smooth because we built it right! [ the car drives over potholes ] Unique hydrodine suspension system, rack and pinion steering to ensure outstanding durability and control. And every new stylish Royal Deluxe II offers, as standard equipment, power front disc brakes.
[ a toy ball bounces into the street, as the car brakes sharply and we hear the baby cry after the Rabbi makes his final snip ]
Rabbi: Poifect!
Spokesman: You may never have to perform a circumcision in the Royal Deluxe II, but if you do, we’re sure you’ll agree with Rabbi Taklas..
Rabbi: That’s a beautiful baby.. and a beautiful car!
Air Date:
Summary: ABC’s “the names have been changed to protect the innocent” version of the JFK assassination features Lee Harry Oswald (Bill Murray) being hit in the face with a pie.
Summary: A traveling salesman (Bill Murray) savors the flavor of the mineral weater dredged from Lake Erie.
Summary: An opera singer’s (Madeline Kahn) performance in “Die Goldenklang” is ruined by a case of larynx lock while performing the Golden Note.
Summary: One decade later, the hippies from the 1960’s are elderly, retired, and nostalgic for the old days.
Summary: NBC’s Dancing N hands a news bulletin to Dan Aykroyd. Dan Aykroyd dons a fake Russian accent to narrate supposed file footage of the 1957 Sputnik launch. Entertainment reporter Bill Murray reviews the new Donny & Marie show and expresses his concern for Marie’s sexy new image.
Summary: In a film by Gary Weis, Madeline Kahn sings “Autumn in New York” while prancing through the city.
Summary: Voice actor (Dan Aykroyd) handles all the voices while dubbing a Hercules film for English audiences.
Summary: Madeline Kahn interviews British stage actress Dame Edna Everage (Barry Humphries) on a variety of odd topics.
Summary: Traveling businessman (Dan Aykroyd) carries the electronic device that can predict mid-air collisions within ten seconds of impact.
Summary: A drunken Judith (Madeline Kahn) and Gail (Gilda Radner) divulge randy secrets while waiting a man to call Gail the day after their date.
