Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 13

75m: Peter Boyle / Al Jarreau

Al Jarreau performs “Somebody’s Watching You”

…..Garrett Morris
…..Al Jarreau

[ Garrett Morris stands with Gilda Radner ]

Garrett Morris: Everybody – here’s Al Jarreau!

[ Garrett and Gilda embrace one another, as we dissolve to Al Jarreau and his band ]

Al Jarreau:
[ scatting ]
“Just a little bit funky down.

Pretty, pretty, pretty as a picture
Witty, witty, witty as you can be
Blind, ’cause your eyes see only glitter
Closed to the things that make you free.

Have you ever thought about a downfall
Girl, it happens at the end of every line
And just when you think you pulled a fast one
It happens to the foolish all the time.

Whoa, somebody watching you, yeah yeah
Somebody watching you, my goodness
Somebody watching you
Somebody’s watching you.

Games are to be played with toys, et cetera
Love is to be made when you’re for real
Ups and downs are caused by life in general
Some are yours no matter how you feel.

Shady as a lady in a moustache
Feelings camouflaged by groans and grins
Secrets have a special way about them
Moving to and fro among your friends.

Whoa, somebody, somewhere, watching you, girl
Somebody watching you
Somebody watching you
Somebody watching you.

[ scatting ]

So, live it up today, if you want to
Live it down tomorrow afternoon
Sunday school don’t make you cool forever
Neither does the silver of your spoon.

The nicer the nice, the higher the price
Well, this is what you pay for what you need
The higher the price, the nicer the nice
Jealous people love to see you bleed.

Whoa, somebody, somewhere, got their eyes on you
Somebody watching you
Somebody watching you, girl
Somebody watching you.

Well, I got my eyes on you whatever you do
I got my eyes on you whatever you do.

Now, when you’re walking to your car
You’re going near and far
When you’re going upstairs
You’re floating in the air
‘Cause you’re smoking that grass
Think you gonna pass.

[ scatting ]

Somebody watching you, girl
I got my eyes on you, I do
Gonna watch you, girl.”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 13

75m: Peter Boyle / Al Jarreau

Al Jarreau performs “We Got By”

…..Peter Boyle
…..Al Jarreau

Peter Boyle: This is a very pleasurable occasion for me, to be able to introduce the following gentleman. He’s a friend, and a wonderful singer. Here’s a valentine for your ears – Al Jarreau!

[ Boyle steps away, as a flattered Jarreau approaches the microphone ]

Al Jarreau:
“I hardly had a bellyful
Never knew a new bicycle
Hand-me-down books and shoes
They brought the yule tides in July.

I rode a bus, a train and sometimes
Strolling for miles to a movie show
Singing a song – “Shoobedoo”
While birds and rich folks flew
right on by.

But we got by
We got by, yes
Lord knows we got by.

Winter wishes wait ’til June
We brightened July with that hot dog fun
Tell your mama you’re with Sue, baby
You’ll bring the beans, girl, and I’ll find the wine
And them neon lights were bright ’til 2:00
And sneaking back home with this girl named Jo
We hurried down to say “I do.”
And I stared my first man-child in the eye.

But we got by
We got by, yeah, yes
Lord knows we got by.

And sometimes I miss singing
Doo doo doo doo..

And now baby’s got his bellyful
And finally here’s that new bicycle
Working, praying, June to June
And mama’s got L.A. gleaming in her eye.

Oh, and we got by
We got by, yeah, let me tell you
We got by
Lord knows we got by.

You see, we kept on walking and talking and hawking
And ooing, and cooing, and wooing
Loving, and tugging, and hugging
And rubbing, and sugging and fugging
Laying, and praying, and swaying
And Letting, and fretting, begetting
And lying, and flying, and trying, and sighing, and dying.”

[ scat to finish ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 13

75m: Peter Boyle / Al Jarreau

Peter Boyle’s Monologue

…..Peter Boyle

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen – Peter Boyle.

[ Boyle enters down the same stairs of the basement stage just used in the cold opening, which is still slightly littered. Boyle, who has a few small pieces of confetti clinging to his green sweater, approaches a stool and picks up the microphone resting on it ]

Peter Boyle: It wouldn’t be New York without a little garbage on the stage, right? Right. It’s terrific to be here. It’s terrific to be here – to be here, live. Uh.. I usually do movies, which are a very different kind of thing, and, uh.. when I was a kid, my father did television, I grew up in live TV, so it’s — wow.

It’s really incredible. I thought about doing a monologue, you know? It’s sort of a tradition, but..

[ Paul Shaffer passes in the background, and sits at a piano in the far right corner of the stage, and begins to tickle the ivories ]

Peter Boyle: Today is.. is Valentine’s Day. And that’s the day that means love, and romance, and, uh.. I’ve been working in show biz for a long time. Sometimes it can be a little glamorous; other times it can be, frankly, very lonely and very hard, and a little cold and empty. And, uh.. something wonderful happened to me. I met someone incredible, and.. I love her.. and she loves me. And, uh.. there’s a lot of giving, a lot of taking, a lot of sharing, and.. we’re on the same path together in life, we go through the ups and downs. I know this sounds a little sentimental, it’s just the most wonderful thing in the world. And, uh, she’s sitting right here. She’s sitting up there, I think I see her. Lorraine?

[ cut to Lorraine, Boyle’s real-life girlfriend and future wife, sitting among the applauding audience ]

Peter Boyle V/O: Hi. Hi, honey. I love you.

[ cut back to Boyle on the stage ]

Peter Boyle: So, since she’s there, and I’m here, and we’re all here, and it’s a day of love and warmth, I’d – I’d like to sing this song to her:

“My funny valentiiiine
Sweet comic valentiiiine
You make me smiiile with my heart.”

[ the man sitting next to Lorraine in the audience suddenly puts his arm around her. She appears surprised, but doesn’t budge ]

Peter Boyle:
“Your looks are laughable, unphotographable
Yet you’re my faaaaavorite work of art.”

[ the man sitting next to Lorraine begins to kiss her. She resists at first, but quickly gives in. ]

Peter Boyle:
“Is your figure less than greek?
Is your mouth a little weak?
When you open it to speak, are you smaaaaaaaart?”

[ the man sitting next to Lorraine is now furiously making out with her, as he climbs onto her seat to the amusement of another man sitting in the same row ]

Peter Boyle:
“But don’t change a hair for me
Not if you care for me
Stay, little valentiiine, staayyyyyyy.”

[ the man and Lorraine stand together and rush to exit the studio for a tryst away from Boyle ]

Peter Boyle:
“Each day is Valentine’s Dayyyyyyyyy.”

I love you, honey. I really do.

[ Lorraine’s seat is empty, as is the man’s seat next to her ]

Peter Boyle: Thank you! Thank you.

[ the audience applauds, as the camera zomms out and fades to black ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 13

75m: Peter Boyle / Al Jarreau

Goodnights

…..Peter Boyle

[ Boyle stands alone at Home Base ]

Peter Boyle: We’re running a little late now. There’s a friend of mine that’s very dear to me, who’s flown all the way in from San Francisco, and I’d like to wish her a lot of luck, and say hello to her. [ raises his arm towards the audience ] Patty, will you stand up?

[ cut to the audience, where a Patty Hearst look-a-like, shackled with handcuffs, stands, smiles and waves to the audience ]

Peter Boyle V/O: Thank you!

[ cut back to Boyle on stage ]

Peter Boyle: Thanks, Patty. Well, that.. that’s our.. that’s our Valentine’s Day. It’s really, it’s really been wonderful what they — hi.

[ the cast of Saturday Night Live, Al Jarreau, and two of the Shapiro Sisters run up on stage to join Boyle ]

Happy Valentine’s Day.

The Cast: Happy Valentine’s Day! Happy Valentine’s Day!

Peter Boyle: Good night, Mom!

Al Jarreau: Good night, Susan!

Helena & Jenny Shapiro: [ looking offstage for their missing sister ] Emily!

[ John Belushi leans in for a kiss from both young ladies ]

[ Helena turns to Al Jarreau for help finding her sister, he smiles back at her ]

[ Chevy Chase, who has been standing in the rear of the group, ducks under everyone and pops his head between Helena and Jenny’s arms ]

Chevy Chase: Where’s Emily?

[ John Belushi pulls Gilda Radner in for a bear hug, dropping her to the floor ]

[ Chevy Chase glances around the studio with Helena and Jenny, as they finally spot Emily offstage and wave her towards them ]

Jenny Shapiro: Emily!

Chevy Chase: Emily!

Helena Shapiro: Emily!

Chevy Chase: Emily! Come here! Emily!

[ Emily rushes onto the stage to join her sisters in a tight bond with Chevy Chase, as he points her toward the camera ]

[ the closing music pots up, as Chevy Chase lifts Emily up on his shoulders and the credits begin to scroll over them ]

Don Pardo V/O: The Shapiro Sisters mimed Natalie Cole, soon on Capitol Records. This is Don Pardo – good night.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 13

75m: Peter Boyle / Al Jarreau

Garrett’s Valentine

…..Garrett Morris
…..Gilda Radner

[ Garret runs on stage to join Gilda Radner. He carries a large white card. ]

Garrett Morris: Uh, Gilda, uh —

Gilda Radner: Hi, Garrett!

Garrett Morris: Yeah. I thought I might as well give you this now, since it’s Valentine’s Day. It’s, uh —

Gilda Radner: A valentine’s for me?

Garrett Morris: Yeah.

Gilda Radner: Oh, Garrett! I feel terrible! I didn’t send you a valentine’s.

Garrett Morris: Oh, that’s alright. Some people don’t send cards, you know?

Gilda Radner: No. I do send cards, I – just didn’t send you one.

Garrett Morris: Oh, well, you know – you’re only human. It’s just an oversight, I can understand that, you know —

Gilda Radner: No, it wasn’t an oversight. I-I didn’t want to send you one, because I — Knowing you, I figured you’d get the wrong idea, you know? I mean, when I send valentine’s to men, uh.. I mean it as friendship. But, you know – you..

Garrett Morris: [ slightly taken aback ] Gil-daaa! You — Gilda, I’m capable of a platonic relationship! I mean, friendship – that’s what I’m talking about, you know? Oh, I’m hurt, Gilda.

Gilda Radner: [ rests her hand on his shoulder ] Oh, I’m sorry, Garrett —

Garrett Morris: [ opens the card ] Here, read the card. Come on, read the card! I wrote a poem on here, and everything.

Gilda Radner: For me, you did this?

Garrett Morris: Yeah! Right here.

Gilda Radner: No, you read it to me, Garrett. It’s beautiful. Read it to me.

Garrett Morris: Okay, okay, alright.. [ reads ] “To Gilda, on Valentine’s Day. I give this card to thee / To let you know how much you mean to me.”

Gilda Radner: Oh, that’s beautiful, Garrett.

Garrett Morris: “To me, you’re a rose, so lovely in bloom / I’d like to molest you, upstairs in my room.”

Gilda Radner: [ offended ] Garrett —

Garrett Morris: “You’ll be my slave, and bow to my whims / As I rub creams and jellies all over your limbs.”

Gilda Radner: Garrett, I think that —

Garrett Morris: “I’ll show you fine lovin’, on that you can depend / You’ll be begging for mercy, that’s how I treat a friend.”

Gilda Radner: Garrett, that’s really beautiful.

Garrett Morris: Yeah, I just wanted to set you straight, you know? Okay? Happy Valentine’s Day!

Gilda Radner: Okay, Happy Valentine’s Day.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 13

75m: Peter Boyle / Al Jarreau

The Corrida

Ricardo Montalban…..Dan Aykroyd

[ open on actor Ricardo Montalban standing before a Corrida; sensual Spanish music plays in the background ]

Ricardo Montalban: As a Spaniard, I appreciate fine things. I love to feel the WIND and FIRE in my face! And when I choose a CAR… I choose a car with spirit! A car that would meet my evey need. The Corrrrrrida… is such a car!

[ Spanish guitars twang ]

Luxurious upholstery styled from rich salomander vinyl! Elogant doors crafted from rare Valencia cardboard! And a classic dashboard carved from plush Santiago styrofoam! And, yet, I constantly AMAZED at the affordibility of this magnificent automobile!

The Corrrrrrida! JUST as good a car… as I am an actor!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 13

75m: Peter Boyle / Al Jarreau

Duelling Brandos

…..Peter Boyle
…..John Belushi

[ open on title card, with mirror images of Marlon Brando ]

Don Pardo: Ladies and gentlemen – Duelling Brandos.

[ dissolve to Brando #1 and Brando #2 staring into each other’s face as they mumble to one another ]

[ the plucking sounds of “Dueling Banjos” ]

Brando #1: [ from “On The Waterfront” ] “I coulda been a contender. I coulda been someone, instead of a bum, which is what I am, let’s face it, Charley.”

[ the plucking sounds of “Dueling Banjos” ]

Brando #2: [ from “The Godfather” ] “I coulda been Senator Corleone; Governor Corleone. There wasn’t enough time, Michael.”

[ the plucking sounds of “Dueling Banjos” ]

Brando #1: [ from “The Wild One” ] “She looked at me as if I was a bug!“

[ the plucking sounds of “Dueling Banjos” ]

Brando #2: [ from “On The Waterfront” ] “Don’t you remember that night in the Garden, when you came down to my dressing room and you said, “Kid, it ain’t your night. We’re going for the money on Wilson.” You remember? Not my night.”

[ the plucking sounds of “Dueling Banjos” ]

Brando #1: [ from “On The Waterfront” ] “So, what happens? He gets a shot at the title on the ballpark outdoors. I get a one-way ticket to Palooka-ville.”

[ the plucking sounds of “Dueling Banjos” ]

Brando #2: [ from “A Streetcar Named Desire” ] “So we got in this state, a Napoleonic code. So what’s that of the husband is that of the wife, visa versa.”

[ the plucking sounds of “Dueling Banjos” ]

Brando #1: “What are you two, a couple of queens?”

[ the plucking sounds of “Dueling Banjos” ]

Brando #2: [ from “Julius Caesar” ] “Here lies Caesar! When will come another?!”

[ the plucking sounds of “Dueling Banjos” ]

Brando #1: [ from “Last Tango in Paris” ] “Get me the butter.”

[ the plucking sounds of “Dueling Banjos” ]

Brando #2: [ from “Mutiny on the Bounty” ] “Aye aye, Captain Bligh. [ mumbles indistinguishably ]

[ the plucking sounds of “Dueling Banjos” ]

Brando #1: [ from “Guys and Dolls” ] “Luck be a lady tonight.”

[ the plucking sounds of “Dueling Banjos” ]

Brando #1 & Brando #2: [ from “On The Waterfront” ] “John Friendly, get out of there! Take away your heaters and your pistoleros, and you’re nothing! Maybe from where you’re standing, but from where I’m standing I relied on myself all these years! You’re nothing but a lousy, rotten, lousy, nothing – I’m glad what I done to you! You hear me?! I’m glad!“

[ they drop to their knees ]

Brando #1 & Brando #2: [ from “A Streetcar Named Desire” ] “Stellaaaaa!! Stellaaaaa!! Stellaaaaa!!”

[ dissolve to title card ]

[ fade ]

Submitted by: Peter Tomatz

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 13

75m: Peter Boyle / Al Jarreau

All-Pro Wrestling

Johnny Pantaloop…..Dan Aykroyd
Bee #1…..John Belushi
Bee #2…..Peter Boyle
John Brewster…..Chevy Chase
Pat Brewster…..Gilda Radner
Referee…..Garrett Morris

Announcer: [ over title card ] And now, from the National Wrestling Super Dome, it’s the thrills and excitement of All-Pro Wrestling. And now into the ring with your commentator — Johnny Pantaloop.

[ dissolve to the ringside action, as the bell rings ]

Johnny Pantaloop: Alright, ladies and gentlemen! Up first on the card tonight, our featured tag-team bout! In first, from Giant Rock, California, and with a collective weight of 560 pounds — the championship tag team of The Bees!

[ a pair of Bees climb into the ring and strut for the crowd ]

Johnny Pantaloop V/O: And, the opponents are from Applecrest Gardens, Connecticut, with a collective weight of 280 pounds — the tag team of John and Pat Brewster, the WASPs!

[ the preppy WASP couple climb into the ring and smile at the crowd ]

And, ladies and gentlemen, your referee tonight will be Frank ??

[ the bell rings, as the Referee steps between the two teams ]

Referee: Alright, fellas! It’ll be a 15-minute bout — uh, three pins or five throws! No dodging, no kicking below the belt! Now, go into your corners and come out wrestling!

[ John Brewster points to Bee #1’s swinging antenna ]

Referee: Yeah, I better take this off for you — you’ll poke somebody’s eye out! [ he pulls off the Bee’s antenna ]

Johnny Pantaloop V/O: Of course, uh, they’re removing their antenna here tonight, ’cause they are very dangerous! The Bees are a very angry team! They’ve got prowess, they’ve got stamina. Uh, of course, the WASPs are very, very clever, and they’re gonna try all they can.

[ John Brewster struts about the ring a moment, then he and Bee #1 bounce back and forth between the ropes before Bee #1 lands Brewster in a chokehold ]

John Brewster: Hold it, hold it! [ he extends his hand for a shake ] I’m terribly sorry, I don’t believe we’ve met! I’m John Brewster. [ they shake hands ] Say, you know my wife and I have a TERRIFIC country place in the Hamptons, where our daughter is making her debut this weekend, and, well, we thought we might send the station wagon around for you at the airport. You can join the twins and I in the yacht. Perhaps you and your partner and I could —

[ catching the Bee off guard, Brewster twists his arm round, swings the Bee onto his back, then pounces on top of him ]

Johnny Pantaloop V/O: Well, as you can see the WASPs are very, very clever, and they’re sparing none of their tactics here today as the Bees go for an early tag!

[ Bee #2 climbs into the rings, pulls Brewster off of his buddy and throws him down into the mat ]

John Brewster: Hey! I don’t believe you met my wife Pat! Come over here, Pat!

[ John tags Pat, as they swap places ]

Pat Brewster: [ extending her hand ] How do you do! It’s SO pleasurable to meet you —

[ having none of it, Bee #2 grabs Pat and swings her around the ring ]

Pat Brewster: Put me down! Put me down! [ Bee #2 puts her down ] You know, dear — our daughter, Britt, has been taking French lessons, and we were thinking about giving her a private tutor! John and I are thinking it might be time to have her —

[ Pat grabs Bee #2 by the neck and throws him down into the mat ]

Johnny Pantaloop V/O: And a GREAT tactic there! A body slam and he falls right onto the mat! And the Bees are going for a tag!

[ the Bees swap places ]

Pat Brewster: Uh, you know, our other daughter — we were thinking of sending her to Switzerland, but we were — have you ever been to Bridgeport?

[ having none of it, Bee #1 thrusts Pat’s head between the ropes, puts the twist on her and begins to pound her face ]

Pat Brewster: No! We’re making a pot of red chili! We’d love to have you over for lunch!

[ without tagging her, John jumps into the ring and grabs Bee#1 from behind; likewise, Bee #2 jumps in to help his partner ]

Johnny Pantaloop V/O: Now, wait a minute! We have an illegal situation here, ladies gentlemen! We have a definite illegality here! BOTH teams are in the ring! There was no — there was NO tag here, absolutely no tag at all! There’s excitement here! There’s physical action! I don’t know whether the judges can disqualify this! There’s a lot of physical action here, a lot of excitement! It’s one of the GREATEST wrestling events I’ve ever seen, personally! I don’t know what the outcome will be! WHAT can they POSSIBLY do to finish this?! I don’t know, do they DARE do it?!

[ suddenly, a cow drops into the ring ]

Johnny Pantaloop V/O: YES! They’ve done it! They’ve DROPPED THE COW, ladies and gentlemen! They have DROPPED THE COW! They dropped the cow into the ring! The round — and the sketch — are OVERRRRR!!

[ pull into wide shot, with SUPER: “Coming Up Next… How Dentists Brush Their Teeth” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 13


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Season 1: Order Now!

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:

February 14th, 1976

Peter Boyle

Al Jarreau

The Shapiro Sisters

None

Anne Beatts

Neil Levy

Alan Zweibel St. Valentine’s Day MassacreSummary: As couples dine at a Chicago restaurant on Valentine’s Day, 1929, a patron named Roger (Dan Aykroyd) asks Jimmy the waiter (Chevy Chase) to move his car into the garage from the snow. After Jimmy steps outside, a round of gunfire is heard, and Jimmy tumbles back into the restaurant filled with bullet holes and enough energy to open the show.

Recurring Characters: Steve Bushakis.

Transcript

Montage

Peter Boyle’s MonologueSummary: Just seconds after the stage has been cleared of the cold opening sketch, Peter Boyle walks out and tells the audience about his new girlfriend, Lorraine, who’s sitting among them. Because it’s Valentine’s Day, he sings the Rogers & Hart classic, “My Funny Valentine”, just for her, unaware that she’s making out with another man in the audience.

Bio: Perhaps best known as the misunderstood monster in “Young Frankenstein” and the cranky grandpa on “Everybody Loves Raymond”, Peter Boyle (1935-2006), a former monk in the Christian Brothers order, is no stranger to live theatre. Early in his career, he performed in a tour of “The Odd Couple” and onstage as part of Chicago’s Second City troupe. A week prior to his SNL hosting, Boyle showed up on the big screen as The Wizard in “Taxi Driver.” He’s been married to Lorraine since 1977.

Transcript

Ambassador Training InstituteSummary: A commercial spokesman (Andrew Duncan) explains how you can apply to become a U.S. ambassador for a foreign country, aptly mixing work with play.

Note: Repeat from 75d.

Samurai Divorce CourtSummary: Mr. (John Belushi) and Mrs. Futaba (Jane Curtin) are getting divorced, so their divorce lawyer (Peter Boyle) calls them together to divide their assets. The task is simple at first, but soon the disparity prevails and they begin to split everything down the middle with Futaba’s samurai sword. There’s still the matter of declaring custody of their young daughter, Bingo (Jenny Shapiro), but is it better to split her across the waist or down the middle?

Recurring Characters: Futaba.

Transcript

The Shapiro Sisters lip-sync “This Will Be”Summary: Peter Boyle introduces The Shapiro Sisters, a child trio who dance and lip-synch the Natalie Cole song “This Will Be.”

Bio: Sisters Helena, Emily and Jenny are the daughters of Ken Shapiro, who produced, directed, wrote and acted in New York’s East Village Channel One Video Theater for five years, starting in 1967. The crew of Channel One later released “The Groove Tube” in theaters in 1974. Chevy Chase was a writer and actor for both productions.

New DadSummary: The typical family home is made up of Mom (Jacqueline Carlin), Dad (Dan Aykroyd) and the children. But if Dad suddenly dies, the family’s emotional loss is covered by New Dad (Chevy Chase).

Note: Repeat from 75a.

Jason & Chloe’s SideshowSummary: Stoners Jason (Dan Aykroyd) and Chloe (Laraine Newman) are visited by their neighbor Bob (Peter Boyle), who keeps mistakenly receiving suspicious packages addressed for them. They invite him inside to watch weird slides from their recent trip.

Recurring Characters: Jason, Chloe.

Note: In future appearances, Chloe also goes by the name Sunshine.

Transcript

Al Jarreau performs “We Got By”Bio: Al Jarreau (1940-) is the only vocalist to win Grammys in three different categories – jazz, pop, and R&B. 80’s television viewers will recognize his voice from the “Moonlighting” soundtrack.

Lyrics

The CorridaSummary: Ricardo Montalban (Dan Aykroyd) speaks highly of the new Corrida automobile, which he finds satisfactory in spite of its poor assembly.

Recurring Characters: Ricardo Montalban.

Transcript

Weekend Update with Chevy ChaseSummary: Chevy Chase narrates Patty Hearst trial testimony over images of art masterpieces. Garrett Morris reports on the Winter Olympics from Innsbruck a week after they’ve ended. Back at the Blaine Hotel, Laraine Newman reports from outside a snuff director’s room. In an editorial reply, Emily Litella is against donating money for canker research.

Recurring Characters: Emily Litella.

Transcript

K-Put Price-Is-Rite Stamp GunSummary: Save thousands of dollars on groceries with this new device, which allows you to change the prices at the supermarket.

Note: Repeat from 11/15/75.

All-Pro WrestlingSummary: An exciting tag team wrestling match between Bees (John Belushi, Peter Belushi) and WASPs (Chevy Chase, Gilda Radner).

Recurring Characters: Bees.

Transcript

Remembrance of Things PastSummary: Jane Curtin intrviews a disguised Richard Nixon (Dan Aykroyd), going by the alias of Mr. X, about his recent activities.

Recurring Characters: Richard Nixon.

Transcript

The Pledge of AllegianceSummary: This week’s Gary Weis film shows schoolchildren reciting the Pledge of Allegiance. The last line, “With liberty, and justice for all,” cuts to a delivery by Rubin Carter (Garrett Morris).

Duelling BrandosSummary: As the banjo music from “Deliverance” plays, Peter Boyle and John Belushi, dressed in “Wild One” garb, one-up one another with lines from Marlon Brando films.

Transcript

Household OrgySummary: When a husband (Peter Boyle) comes home early, he discovers various men hidden among his household appliances. His wife (Jane Curtin) convinces him they aren’t suspicious men, but, rather, new household products designed to run his home more efficiently.

Transcript

“A Home Movie”Summary: Filmed by viewer Howard Grunwald, this week’s home movie is literally video footage of the outside of a house. Afterwards, Gilda Radner asks Don Pardo to tell other home viewers where to send their home movies for inclusion on SNL.

Garrett’s ValentineSummary: Garrett Morris gives Gilda Radner a raunchy Valentine’s Day card.

Transcript

Al Jarreau performs “Somebody’s Watching You”Lyrics

SpeedSummary: When a housewife (Anne Beatts) uses the Speed diet pill, she’s able to get a lot of work done in a short amount of time.

Note: Repeat from 75f.

“Homeward Bound”Summary: Gary Weis’ film shows holiday travelers reuniting with their families at the airport, to to the sound of the Simon & Garfunkel classic “Homeward Bound.”

Note: Repeat from 75h.

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 12

75l: Dick Cavett / Jimmy Cliff

Voodoo

… Robert Van Ry, SNL Stage Manager
… Chevy Chase
… Garrett Morris

[Chevy Chase’s dressing room. Chevy, surrounded byfour attractive young women, wears a gray suit and tieand sits before a TV set. He sips a drink held for himby one of the women.]

Robert Van Ry: [off screen] One minute, Mr. Chase!

Chevy Chase: Thank you, Bob. [a woman in Chevy’s lapoffers him some food] Oh, strawberries. [dropsstrawberry] Oop. Geez. [the women laugh obsequiously,Chevy eats the strawberry] I gotta get out there.[rises, brushes himself off, talks to the women as heheads for the door] Just wait here, okay?

[Chevy exits into hallway where he bumps into GarrettMorris just outside Garrett’s dressing room.]

Garrett Morris: Hey, hey, Chevy, what’s happenin’?

Chevy Chase: Garrett! How are you? Good to see you.

[They shake hands warmly.]

Garrett Morris: How you doin’, man? How’s everything?

Chevy Chase: Gotta go out and open the show.

Garrett Morris: Yeah, I know. Good luck, man.

Chevy Chase: Thanks.

Garrett Morris: Hey, hey, get that lint off. [thoughtfully picks some lint off Chevy’s gray suit]

Chevy Chase: I’m not gonna be able to do a fall this week.

Garrett Morris: No? Why not?

Chevy Chase: I really injured my back last week doing one, I think.

Garrett Morris: Oh, you know, I noticed you werefavoring your back, man, when you were walkin’. Bettertake it easy, bro’. Your shoes shined, man? [looks atChevy’s shoes] Yeah, okay.

Chevy Chase: Hey, listen, you’re not in the show verymuch this week and I’m pretty upset about it. I hopeyou’re not bothered by it. I know that it’s–

Garrett Morris: Oh, no, man. Look, I’m just glad to bein the show with you, man.

Chevy Chase: Just ’cause I’m gettin’ all the–

Garrett Morris: You a star, man. You a great talent, man.

Chevy Chase: I mean, I’m gettin’ all the publicity inthe press and everything but that’s– you know.

Garrett Morris: Hey, but, I’m– Look, I’m diggin’bein’ on the show with you.

Chevy Chase: You’re a fine actor, Garrett. I enjoy working with you.

Garrett Morris: Thanks a lot, man. Look, it’s a pleasure workin’ with you, man.

Chevy Chase: I’ll see ya later.

Garrett Morris: Hey! Good luck, Chevy, man.

Chevy Chase: Thanks.

Garrett Morris: Take it easy.

[Chevy walks off down the hallway but we stay withGarrett who glances up and down the hall cautiouslybefore retreating into his dressing room. Garrett sitsat a desk, puts on a necklace strung with teeth and aderby hat with a feather in it. He sings wordlessly ashe picks up a small, gray-suited Chevy Chase doll,flips it over and starts manipulating the featheredpin stuck in its back — it’s a voodoo doll.]

Garrett Morris: [rolls his eyes, singing] Chevy Chaaaaaase!

[Cut to home base where a microphone rests on a stool.]

Don Pardo V/O: Ladies and gentlemen, Chevy Chase!

[Audience applauds as Chevy enters slowly, clutching his sore back, picks up the microphone and sits on the stool.]

Chevy Chase: Thank you. Thank you very much. Hello,everybody and welcome. I have a slight apology tomake. I won’t be doing the traditional fall to openthe show due to a back injury which I sustained lastweek. I would, however– And boy! Is it killin’ me –to sing a song for you, just to, uh, warm things up.

[As Chevy talks, we cut to Garrett’s dressing roomwhere Garrett pulls the pin out of the doll’s back andsticks it in the neck.]

Garrett Morris: [singing] Chevy Cha–!

[Cut back to home base where Chevy clutches at his neck.]

Chevy Chase: And, uh– Ow! That’s, like, shootingright up into my neck, you know? But, uh, anyway, uh,well, let’s give it a try. Uh, want to hit it, Paul?[Offstage, unseen pianist Paul Shaffer starts playingthe 1937 George and Ira Gershwin pop standard “TheyCan’t Take That Away from Me” — Chevy sings:]
The way you wear your hat –
The way we danced till three –
The mem’ry of all that–

[Cut to Garrett who hurls the doll up against hisdressing room wall, watching it fall to the floor.]

Garrett Morris: [singing] Chevy!

[Cut back to Chevy who, microphone in hand, pitchesforward and falls headlong off of home base,disappearing from camera range, landing on the floorin front of the stage and knocking over the stool inthe process. Applause. Close-up of Chevy on thefloor.]

Chevy Chase: Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts