Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 39: Episode 13
13m: Melissa McCarthy / Imagine Dragons
Delaware 1 News Special Report
David LaPierre…..Taran Killam
Sheila Kelly…..Melissa McCarthy
David McNally…..John Milhiser
Cameraman…..Brooks Wheelan
Passerby…..Kyle Mooney
Police Officer #1…..Mike O’Brien
Police Officer #2…..Beck Bennett
Announcer: This is a Delaware 1 Special Report.
David LaPierre: This week, after the State of the Union, Staten Island congressman Michael Grimm was caught on camera threatening a New York 1 reporter who had asked him about fundraising allegations:
[ video plays ]
Congressman Grimm: “Let me be clear for you… If you ever do that to me again, I’ll throw you off this fucking balcony… No, no, you’re not man enough… I’ll break you in half… Like a boy!”
[ return to news desk ]
David LaPierre: But Grimm’s behavior, while shocking, seems tame in comparison to this woman: [ image ] Freshman congresswoman Sheila Kelly. After leaving a planning committee meeting Thursday night, Delaware 1’s own David McNally pressed Kelly on allegations of illegal fundraising, and the congresswoman lost her cool.
[ cut to footage ]
David McNally: …And what about claims made by your ex-campaign manager that —
Sheila Kelly: I’m here to talk about the PLANNING COMMITTEE, and NOTHING else!
David McNally: But your constituents have a right to know —
Sheila Kelly: I’m DONE here! [ she walks away ]
David McNally: So, as you can see the congresswoman is not interested in answering to these new damning allegations —
[ Kelly shoves McNally ]
Sheila Kelly: You ever been thrown out a window, bro? Because, you know what? When I do it, I don’t open it first. Yeah, you go down WITH the glass! You get that?
David McNally: [ stammering ] I was just trying to —
Sheila Kelly: [ mocks him with gibberish ] You’re not a man! You’re a little baby! You’re a little baby, and I’m gonna put you in a stroller and buckle you up and throw you down a flight of stairs! And this isn’t “The Untouchables”! Andy Garcia isn’t going to come sliding in here and saving you! [ she shoves McNally and glances at the camera ]
David LaPierre V/O: At this point, Kelly realized the camera was still on.
Sheila Kelly: Is this still on?! [ she charges the cameraman and puts her hand over the lens ]
[ return to news desk ]
David LaPierre: But a passerby had started filming the altercation with his cellphone… and we can pick it up there.
[ return to Kelly footage, second point-of-view ]
Sheila Kelly: Is that still on?! Is that still on?! You’re fucking filming me?! [ she charges the camera, puts her hand over the lens, then shoves the cameraman to the ground as McNally runs for it ] Yeah, you’d BETTER run! [ she grabs the camera and smashes it to the ground ] I am Freshman Congresswoman Sheila Kelly, and I am INVINCIBLE!! [ she suddenly notices she’s still being filmed ]
David LaPierre V/O: Here, Kelly notices the passerby filming her, and angrily reacts.
Sheila Kelly: Are you fucking filming me with that phone?! Are you fucking filming me?! [ she charges at the passerby and seizes his cellphone during the scuffle ]
[ return to news desk ]
David LaPierre: Once the passerby tried to make his escape, the footage is unclear. But he ran into a parking garage, and a security camera picked up the action.
[ cut to black-and-white security-cam footage, as the passerby rushes into the garage ]
Sheila Kelly: Stop!! I see you!! [ the passerby ducks behind a car ] You think you can run from me?! You can’t run from me! [ she kicks the car he’s hiding behind, as the alarm goes off ] Yeah, that’s right! I’m gonna blow out your fucking eardrums! [ she leans against the car ] I can wait here all night! I can wait here ALL night! [ she glances up at the security camera ]
David LaPierre V/O: Watch as Kelly notices the security camera, then takes action.
Sheila Kelly: Mother fucker!
[ Kelly takes out a pistol from her pocket and fires at the camera ]
[ cut ot two more security cameras being shot at ]
[ return to news desk ]
David LaPierre: With the security camera gone, we lose visual. But only until a police car pulls into the garage to investigate the alarm.
[ cut to dashboard footage as the police car approaches Kelly ]
Sheila Kelly: Oh, come on!
Police Officer #1: Drop the gun!
[ Kelly drops her gun ]
Police Officer #2: Hands above your head! Put your hands above your head!
[ two police officers approach Kelly and attempt to subdue her ]
Police Officer #1: Alright, we have apprehended the suspect, we are at twenty–
[ Kelly knocks out both officers, then hops into the police car and guns it in reverse ]
Sheila Kelly: I’m gonna live FOREVER!!
[ return to news desk ]
David LaPierre: Three days later… and Congresswoman Kelly is still at large. If you see her, call the police IMMEDIATELY! And for your own safety: Do not approach her. For Delaware 1, I’m David LaPierre.
[ fade ]
Air Date:
Summary: The last-minute cancellation of Bruno Mars and ?? results in a lame Broadway-style replacement Halftime musical performance.
Summary: Harboring a grudge from her last hosting, Bobby Moynihan sparks a mid-air ninja fight with Melissa McCarthy.
Summary: A promotional advertisement for the last-minute cheapskate Valentine’s gifts available at your neighborhood CVS.
Summary: Crazy Kathleen (Melissa McCarthy) believes “Pass The Mash” to be the answer to all of the hidden game phrases.
Summary: Via rap performance, Kevin (Jay Pharoah), Tyrese (Kenan Thompson), and Michelle (Sasheer Zamata) remind their fellow white students that slavery is the reason to keep Black History Month in their thoughts.
Summary: Atlanta native Buford Calloway (Taran Killam) relates the terror of having survived Winter Storm Leon. On his final broadcast, Amy Poehler and Stefon (Bill Hader) are ready to help bring Seth Meyers to the other side of “SNL”. Former governor David Paterson (Fred Armisen) wanders past the news desk.
Summary: Onboxious museum employee (Melissa McCarthy) interrupts a living art exhibit in order to rectify a wi-fi connectivity issue.
Summary: Morgan (Aidy Bryant) is excited to have her adult friend Donna Ruth Baker (Melissa McCarthy) on the show, but Kyra (Cecily Strong) has transformed her into a hipper chick.
Summary: Bobby (Bobby Moynihan) lovingly recalls a chance encounter in the park with Diane (Melissa McCarthy), a slovenly woman who never even noticed him.
Summary: Kyle Mooney nervously interviews people who are in town for the Super Bowl.
Summary: Scott Hamilton (Taran Killam) and Tara Lipinski (Cecily Strong) The U.S. Men’s Heterosexual Figure Skating Championships.
Summary: Six-year old Adam Grossman (Jonah Hill) embarrasses his new stepmom (Vanessa Bayer) by obnoxiously performing more Borscht Belt humor in front of the hibachi crowd at Benihana’s.
Summary: Game play is sidelined by thew host’s (Kenan Thompson) quest to reveal which contestant clogged a backstage toilet.
Summary: Officer Frank Medina (Kenan Thompson) recounts his experience arresting Justin Bieber for illegal dragracing. Russian woman Olya Povlatsky (Kate McKinnon) gives her takes on holding the Winter Olympics in her country.
Summary: While visiting the stables, Danielle (Nasim Pedrad) is horrified to find the stablehands (Cecily Strong, Jonah Hill) being kicked and punch by one of the horses.
Summary: In a trailer for a new Spike Jonez film, a nerdy man (Jonah Hill) becomes involved in a gay relationship with his doppleganger Operating System.
Summary: After making numerous faux pas at the boss’s (Beck Bennett) dinner party, Jeffrey (Jonah Hill) yells audibly at himself in the adjacent bathroom.
Summary: Without permission, skater-slackers Todd (Kyle Mooney) and Casey (Beck Bennett) host their talk show at Keith’s (Jonah Hill) dad’s (Bobby Moynihan).
