For Die Hard Saturday Night Live Fans
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 39: Episode 11
Goodnights
…..Drake
Drake: Thank you so much… to Jhené… Sasheer, for her first night on “SNL” — Make some noise for her! [ the audience whoops ] Thank you to my new family at “SNL”! Make sure you watch Seth on his new show’ ’cause he’s got a new show all to himself! And, uh — Yeah, thank you guys so much! New York City! It’s been an honor!
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 39: Episode 11
]]>
Air Date:Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:Cameos:Bit Players:
January 18th 2014
Drake
Drake
None
Jhené Aiko
None Piers Morgan Live
Summary: Piers Morgan (Taran Killam) interviews Gov. Chris Christie (Bobby Moynihan), Alex Rodriguez (Drake) and Justin Bieber (Kate McKinnon) about their recent embarrassing scandals.
Recurring Characters: Piers Morgan, Chris Christie, Justin Bieber.
Montage
Drake’s Monologue
Summary: Drake dispenses a series of “fun facts” about his life, including his Jewish heritage with a look back at his Bar Mitzvah.
Hip Hop Classics: Before They Were Stars
Summary: Sway (Kenan Thompson) takes a look back at hip hop stars who performed in minor television roles before they were famous.
Recurring Characters: Sway, Eminem, Jay-Z, Rihanna, Joey Lawrence, Jenna Van Oy, Rick Ross, Mr. Wizard.
Nancy Grace
Summary: Nancy Grace (Noel Wells) is opposed to pro-pot legistlation, unlike her guests who are making out like bandits in Colorado.
Recurring Characters: Nancy Grace, Katt Williams.
Resolution Revolution
Summary: A group of people (Taran Killam, Drake) fail to fulfill their New Year’s resolutions.
Slumber Party
Summary: While at a slumber party, Melanie (Aidy Bryant) is hot for her friend’s (Sasheer Zamata) dad (Drake).
Drake performs “Started From the Bottom” and “Trophies”
Weekend Update with Seth Meyers & Cecily Strong
Summary: Jacqueline Bisset (Vanessa Bayer) takes a long time wandering through the audience to comment about her Golden Globes appearance. Arianna Huffington (Nasim Pedrad) comments about Hillary Clinton’s chances of getting the Demoratic nomination for President in 2016.
Recurring Characters: Arianna Huffington.
Disney World Show
Summary: Rahat (Nasim Pedrad) only wants to hold onto her rice as she assists Dalton (Drake) in performing an Indiana Jones stunt spectacular.
Detention
Summary: Poetry specialist Ms. Meadows (Vanessa Bayer) remains enthusiastic while teaching her craft to high-schoolers in detention who just don’t give a damn about poetry.
Recurring Characters: Ms. Meadows.
Drake performs “Hold On, We’re Going Home” and “From Time” with Jhené Aiko
Morning Miami
Summary: Morning co-anchors (Drake, Bobby Moynihan, Kate McKinnon) seethe at the thought of having to peppily tape the week’s promo spots.
I Know
Summary: Kyle’s (Kyle Mooney) know-it-all attitude leads to a near-fatality while bragging to his buddy (Beck Bennett).
Transcript
GoodnightsTranscript
Dress Rehearsal Cuts
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 39: Episode 10
13j: Jimmy Fallon / Justin Timberlake
(Do It On My) Twin Bed
…..Aidy Bryant
…..Kate McKinnon
…..Cecily Strong
…..Noël Wells
…..Vanessa Bayer
…..Nasim Pedrad
Kate’s Boyfriend…..Jimmy Fallon
Cecily’s Boyfriend…..Mike O’Brien
Aidy’s Boyfriend…..Taran Killam
Noël’s Boyfriend…..Brooks Wheelan
Uncle Ted…..Beck Bennett
[ open on nighttimw exterior of house decorated with Christmas lights ]
[ dissolve to interior, where older couples mingle ]
[ reveal the girls of “SNL” standing at the center ]
Aidy Bryant: Hey, it’s your girls!
Kate McKinnon: Kate!
Cecily Strong: Cecily!
Noël Wells: Noël!
Vanessa Bayer: Vanessa!
Nasim Pedrad: Nasim!
Aidy Bryant: And your lil’ Baby Aidy!
Kate McKinnon: We’re home for the holidays.
Noël Wells: And this year…
[ reveal boyfriends ]
Kate McKinnon: We brought our boyfriends home with us.
Vanessa Bayer: But just because we’re back in our Mom and Dad’s house…
Nasim Pedrad: Doesn’t mean we can’t still get a little nasty.
[ they all laugh mischieviously ]
Kate McKinnon: [ singing ]
“Back in town visiting my Mom and Dad
But that don’t mean I don’t wanna be bad.
Say what’s up to my cousins.”
Cousins: Hi!
Kate McKinnon: [ singing ] “Say what’s up to my neighbors.”
Neighbors: Hey!
Kate McKinnon: [ singing ] “Then take my man to my childhood bedroom.”
[ Kate’s Boyfriend is dumbstruck by vintage posters of Jonathan Taylor-Thomas, Mark-Paul Gosselaar and Mario Lopez ]
Nasim Pedrad: [ singing ]
“This is my old christening dress
And here’s my stack of X-Files on VHS.”
Vanessa Bayer: “Now we’re gonna freak.”
Girls: Freak!
Vanessa Bayer: [ singing ]
“In my monkey sheets
That I’ve had since I was a kid.
Girls: [ singing ]
“Let’s do it on my twin bed (twin bed)
Not gonna like it (like it)
But it’s the only option (option)
Where we can get it poppin’ (poppin’)
Let’s do it on my twin bed (twin bed)
Pop and fall off it (off it)
But let’s get wild (wild)
In a bed for a child. (child)”
[ Cecily and her Boyfriend lie in her twin bed ]
Cecily Strong: [ singing ]
“If you want an old cat to watch you bone
You’re gonna want to get down in my parents’ homeV It’ll make you spotty.”
Girls: Spotty!
Cecily Strong: “While you lick my body.”
Girls: Body!
Cecily Strong: “Then he’ll throw up on your bags!”
[ Aidy leads her Boyfriend into her room ]
Aidy Bryant: [ singing ]
“Come on, sexy boy, gotta do this quick
While my folks are at the pharmacy; my mom is sick
She’s had a cough.”
Girls: Cough!
Aidy Bryant: “She got it from Jean.”
Girls: Jean!
Aidy Bryant: “And now it’s a whole thing with Jean.”
[ cut to Noël Wells lying in her twin bed with her Boyfriend ]
Noël Wells: [ singing ]
“I’m glad you got to meet my Uncle Ted
Now keep it down ’cause he’s asleep on my trundle bed.”
Uncle Ted: Hey don’t mind me!
Girls: Me!
Uncle Ted: We’re family!
Girls: Leeee!
Uncle Ted: Did ya hear Aunt Ruth is dead?
Girls: Sad!
“Let’s do it on my twin bed (twin bed)!
Even though Aunt Ruth’s dead {Ruth’s dead)!
Wish we had more room (more room)!
But Grandma got the guest room (guest room)!
But we’ll still get nasty (nasty)!
Up against my trophies (trophies)!
You’re a certified hottie (hottie)! Like JTT.”
Poster: Aw, thanks!
Kate’s Boyfriend: [ rapping ]
“Girl, you know I love you, but let’s be clear
I’m having lots of trouble gettin’ horny here
I wanna get down and do my thing
But your childhood bed has antique springs
And I guess your mom don’t know how to knock
Keep my foot on the door ’cause it doesn’t lock
I can’t fully undress in case your parents come through
Just shirt, no pants, like Winnie the Pooh
And why am I even tryin’ to get laid
Near a photo of you from seventh grade!”
Aidy Bryant: Let’s take it back now, Y’ALL!
[ reveal each girl dancing in front of a photo of their 7th grade selves ]
[ Kate’s Boyfriend is embarrassed by his 7th grade photo ]
Girls: [ singing ]
“So let’s do it on my twin bed (twin bed)!
Not gonna like it (like it)!
But you can’t be picky (picky)!
When you’re staying with your family! (family)!”
Kate’s Boyfriend: I’ve been sexing in a tiny twin bed, y’all!
Kate McKinnon: Happy holidays!
Aidy Bryant: We out!
[ cut to black ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 39: Episode 10
13j: Jimmy Fallon / Justin Timberlake
Goodnights
…..Jimmy Fallon
Jimmy Fallon: …Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen! Justin Timberlake! Paul McCartney! Madonna! Barry Gibb! Mayor Michael Bloomberg! Chris Rock! Thank you, Lorne! Thank you, cast! Thank you to the writers! Thank you, everybody! Happy Holidays! Bye!
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 39: Episode 10
13j: Jimmy Fallon / Justin Timberlake
Family Feud
Steve Harvey…..Kenan Thompson
Jim Parsons…..Jimmy Fallon
Ashton Kutcher…..Taran Killam
Jon Cryer…..Jon Mlhiser
Alyson Hannagan…..Noel Wells
Jimmy Fallon…..Justin Timberlake
Jane Lynch…..
Ice-T…..Jay Pharoah
…..Brooks Wheelan
Announcer: It’s time to play “Family Feud” — Celebrity Edition! Here’s your host — Steve Harvey!
[ Steve Harvey dances onto game stage ]
Steve Harvey: Okay, now! Welcome to “Celebrity Family Feud”! Now, this is the other daytime TV show I host. I’ve just about reached my goal to be on MUTE in EVERY waiting room in America! Over here, we’ve got celebrities from CBS! And over there, we got the team from NBC! Alright, heading up the CBS team — He’s on a show about SEX with plus-sized women, called “The Big Ol’ Bang Theory”! Jim Parsons!
Jim Parsons: Steve… while I understand what you’re saying is in jest… the show is in actuality a humorous look at the lives of young scientists, so… Bazinga!
Steve Harvey: [ chuckling ] I’ll take your word for it, Player! From “Two and a Half Men”, we got Ashton Koocher!
Ashton Kutcher: I was Steve Jobs!
Steve Harvey: For Halloween? Oh man, that’s great! This year, I went as a Funky Mummy! Mmm! [ dancing ] “Funky! Mummy!” Alright, up next, I believe, is my agent from ICM. Hey there, Marty!
Jon Cryer: No… Actually, I’m Jon Cryer. I’m also on “Two and a Half Men.”
Steve Harvey: Well, you had me fooled! And from “How I Met Dat Mama” — Miss Alyson Hannagan!
Alyson Hannagan: Ohhh! That’s me! I’m Alyson Hannagan! Cool!
Steve Harvey: Well, I wouldn’t bet on this team right here. Let’s move on to the NBC side. Leading the team is the new next host of “The Tonight Show” — Jimmy Fallon!
Jimmy Fallon: It’s so great! So great! SO… great! Celebrities playing games! Nothing better! SO funny!
Steve Harvey: [ laughing ] Hey… you need to calm down! I mean, I’m not that excited about this show, and they PAY me! Two fedoras a day! Alright, uh… from “Hollywood Game Night”, we got Miss Jane Lynch!
Jane Lynch: [ leaning down into her microphone ] Steve, you’re a fine man and this is a fine show.
Steve Harvey: Oooooh! You some kind of a GLAMazon, huh? You so tall, we might have to 79! [ he chuckles heartily ] Whoo! Alright! And from “Law & Order: Special Food”, we got Ice-T!
Ice-T: Yo, are we standin’ this WHOLE time? ‘Cause Ice-T’s not wearin’ his orthopedics!
Steve Harvey: Hey, I feel ya’, Player, I feel ya’! And, finally, we got Mr… [ looking at card ] Brooks Wheelan. And, uh, what do you do, Brooks?
Brooks Wheelan: Uh… I’m on “Saturday Night Live”!
Steve Harvey: Uh-uh. I doubt it! You saying I could turn on “SNL” and see you on there?
Brooks Wheelan: Uh… yeah, yeah! I mean, sometimes… not a lot, but… it’s cool!
Steve Harvey: Hey, well… fair enough! Fair enough! Alright, now each team got to pick a CHARITY before the show! CBS will be playing for The Red Cross… and NBC will be playing for the NBC-Universal Company. Alright! Let’s get two players up here!
[ Jim Parsons walks solemnly to the podium, while Jimmy Fallon jumps up in his face ]
Jimmy Fallon: Jimmy! Jimmy! Jim Parsons! Are you kidding me?! That is how it’s DONE, my man! He’s SO great, am I right?! Jim Parsons!
Steve Harvey: Okay, now! [ tries not to laugh ] Top FIVE answers on the board! We asked 100 men… [ Fallon and Parsons turn to stare at the board and laugh ] We asked 100 men: Name something you do to feel sexy!
[ Parsons slams the buzzer ]
Jim Parsons: Steve! [ buzzer ] Steve! [ buzzer ] Steve! [ buzzer ] Steve!
Steve Harvey: Okay, slow your roll, Player! Just give me the answer!
Jim Parsons: Although I personally find the concept of “sexy” to be entirely subjective, I suppose no one could resist coitus with a man with a t-shirt bearing the work of the great Japanese animator ?? Miyazaki.
Steve Harvey: I don’t understand a DAMN word of that, but, uh… I’ll roll wit’ ya’! Show me some mess about a Japanese t-shirt!
[ ding! — “Miyazaki T-Shirt: 1” ]
Jimmy Fallon: So good!
Steve Harvey: Ohhh, Lord! Come on, now! HOW the hell did that get up there?!
Jim Parsons: Simple. You never specified who could take the survey — They asked me on the way in! [ he laughs ] Bazinga! We’re gonna play.
Steve Harvey: alright, it looks like White Urkel and his team are gonna play! Alright, let’s move on over to Ashton Koocher! How you doing, Player?
Ashton Kutcher: FAN-TAST-IC!
Steve Harvey: Good for you! Name something that you do to be sexy?
Ashton Kutcher: Well, Steve… I’m one of People Magazine’s SEXIEST people alive! So I KNOW SEXY!! I would light a FI-YER, and say in my SEXIEST voice: “We’re gonna bone!!”
Steve Harvey: Okay. But I don’t know how you gonna be sexy sounding like a Muppet! Let’s see Dirty Talk!
[ buzz! ]
Steve Harvey: Oh, I’m sorry. Moving on to Jon Cryer. Something that you do to be sexy?
Jon Cryer: Uh… well, this… isn’t my area of expertise, but I’ll say, um… Untuck my shirt a little!
Steve Harvey: Uh… DAMN! I don’t wanna give you a “X”, because your life is clearly hard enough, but, uh… I probably gotta! Show me Untucked Shirt!
[ buzz! ]
Steve Harvey: Awww, come on now, CBS team! There’s so many things a man could do to be sexy! Fluff up your moustache… or take a bath in Drakkar Noir! Alyson Hannagan, what does your man do?
Alyson Hannagan: What I think is really sexy… is when a guy is like a father — unless he’s, like, your father! That would be GROSS to think your DAD is sexy! Ohhhh, man! Now I’m thinking of my Dad’s PENIS for some reason!
Steve Harvey: I’ll tell you what the reason is! You straight-up CRAZY! [ he chuckles ] Let’s see… Daddy’s Wang!
[ buzz! ]
Steve Harvey: Alright! Well, it looks like we got a chance for the NBC team to STEAL! [ the teammates shout ansers at one another ] There’s a lot of good answers there, Jimmy Fallon! Which one y’all gonna pick?
Jimmy Fallon: So many great answers! So many… They’re so great! So great, my man! But, Steve… [ he cracks up ]
[ at the other side of the stage, the real Jimmy Fallon crouches down behind his podium to crack up as well ]
Jimmy Fallon: Steve… there’s only ONE way for a man to be really sexy.
Steve Harvey: What’s that?
Jimmy Fallon: [ staring into the camera ] Be Justin Timberlake.
Steve Harvey: Alright, then, let’s see it!
[ ding! — “Justin Timberlake: 89” ]
Steve Harvey: You got the steal! NBC wins! Alright, let’s take a break! Somebody warm up my quesodilla from yesterday! I’ll see y’all in a few minutes!
[ fade ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 39: Episode 10
13j: Jimmy Fallon / Justin Timberlake
Baby It’s Cold Outside
Girl…..Cecily Strong
Guy…..Jimmy Fallon
Friend…..Kenan Thompson
[ open on couple sitting together ]
Girl: [ singing ] “I really can’t stay.”
Guy: [ singing ] “But baby, it’s cold outside.”
Girl: “I’ve got to go away.”
Guy: “But baby, it’s cold outside.”
Girl: This evening has been.”
Guy: “Been hoping that you’d drop in.”
Girl: “So very nice.”
Guy: “I’ll hold your hands, they’re just like ice.”
Girl: “My mother will start to worry.”
Guy: “Beautiful, what’s your hurry?”
Girl: “My father will be pacing the floor.”
Guy: “Listen to the fireplace roar.”
Girl: “I really can’t stay.”
Guy: “Oh, but it’s cold outside.”
[ they snuggle on the couch, as the camera pans upward out of view ]
[ SUPER: “Twelve Minutes Later” ]
[ the camera pans back downward ]
Guy: “So… should I call you a cab?”
Girl: “But baby it’s cold outside.”
Guy: “You know, it’s really not bad.”
Girl: “You said it was cold outside.”
Guy: “You can still catch the bus.”
Girl: “I’ll make breakfast for us.”
Guy: “It’s just a few blocks away.”
Girl: “Tomorrow, we’ll hang out all day.”
Guy: “I have an early thing tomorrow.”
Girl: “Got a toothbrush I can borrow?”
Guy: “I have a meeting at my work.”
Girl: “At last, a guy who isn’t a jerk.”
Guy: “I really can’t stay.”
Girl: “It’s starting to storm out.”
Guy: “But, baby, it’s warm outside.”
[ he opens the door and lets snow fly into her face ]
Girl: “Are we still on for next weekend?”
Guy: “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
Girl: “You said you’d take me antiquing.”
Guy: “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
Girl: “You said it when you…”
Guy: “Right.”
Girl: “Bought me those drinks.”
Guy: “Baby, I said a lot of things.”
Girl: “Do you really think I could act?”
Guy: “Can’t believe I said that!”
Girl: “You know, this isn’t my coat.”
Guy: “Can you take the trash when you go?”
Girl: “We should stay up late.”
Guy: “Shes not getting it.”
Girl: “But baby its cold outside.”
Guy: “But, baby, its warm outside/”
[ the phone rings ]
Guy: “Hello.”
Friend: “Hey man you want to hang out?”
Guy: “Oh, of course, the important meeting.”
Friend: “What are you talking about?”
Guy: “The meeting got pushed even earlier?”
Friend: “Oh, are you with a girl?”
Guy: “Yes, thats correct!”
Friend: “Then Ill leave you alone.”
Guy: “Okay, boss, Ill see you in the morn.”
[ she returns wearing his sports jersey ]
Girl: “Do you mind if I sleep in this?”
Guy: “This is getting too serious.”
Girl: “You know Im just as nervous as you.
But who knows what this could turn into.”
Guy: “I dont know what to do.”
Girl: “Here’s a clue.”
[ she kisses him ]
Together: “Baby its cold outside!”
[ fade ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 39: Episode 10]]>
Air Date:Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:Cameos:Bit Players:
December 21st 2013
Jimmy Fallon
Justin Timberlake
None
Paul McCartney
Madonna
Barry Gibb
Mayor Michael Bloomberg
None Wrappinville
Summary: Christmas bow saleswoman (Aidy Bryant) faces competition from Wrappinville’s dancing gift wrap mascots (Justin Timberlake, Jimmy Fallon), who are also her obnoxious sons.
Recurring Characters: Dancing Mascot.
Montage
Jimmy Fallon’s Monologue
Summary: Jimmy Fallon wants to perform a Christmas quartet with David Bowie, Bob Dylan and Paul McCartney, but the legendary musicians are ostensibly stuck in traffic.
Family FeudSummary: Steve Harvey (Kenan Thompson) moderates as dim-witted CBS stars battle dim-witted NBC stars.
Recurring Characters: Steve Harvey, Ashton Kutcher, Jon Cryer, Ice-T, Jane Lynch.
Transcript
(Do It On My) Twin BedSummary: The girls of “SNL” perform a song about taking their boyfriends home to their childhood twin bed in their parents’ houses over the Christmas holidays.
Transcript
The Barry Gibb Talk Show
Summary: Barry Gibb (Jimmy Fallon) rails against Megyn Kelly (Cecily Strong) and Paul Ryan (Taran KIllam), but likes what Madonna has to say.
Recurring Characters: Barry Gibb, Robin Gibb, Paul Ryan.
Justin Timberlake performs “Only When I Walk Away”
Weekend Update with Seth Meyers & Cecily Strong
Summary: Billie Jean King (Kate McKinnon) can’t wait to rub her homosexuality into Putin’s face during the Winter Olympics in Sochi, Russia. Mayor Michael Bloomberg and Jimmy Fallon discuss their coming changes as they leave the New York Mayor’s office and hand “Late Night” over to Seth Meyers.
Recurring Characters: Billie Jean King.
Waking up With Kimye
Summary: Kanye West (Jay Pharoah) and Kim Kardashian (Nasim Pedrad) show off their video Christmas card.
Recurring Characters: Kanye West, Kim Kardashian, Khloe Kardashian, Kim Jenner.
Now That’s What I Call Christmas
Summary: A compilation of classic Christmas songs performed by today’s hottest stars.
Recurring Characters: Axl Rose, Slash, Zooey Deschanel, Alanis Morissette, Shakira.
A Christmas Carol
Summary: The Ghost of Christmas Past (Kenan Thompson) helps Ebenezer Scrooge (Taran Killam) come to the realization that he’s gay.
Baby It’s Cold OutsideSummary: Guy (Jimmy Fallon) wants Girl (Cecily Strong) to stay in from the cold until after their tryst is complete.
Transcript
Justin Timberlake performs “Pair of Wings”
GoodnightsTranscript
Dress Rehearsal Cuts
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 39: Episode 9
13i: John Goodman / Kings of Leon
Dance of the Snowflakes
Gene Halderman…..John Goodman
Dancer…..Vanessa Bayer
Annette…..Aidy Bryant
Edgar…..Kenan Thompson
Gene Halderman: Good evening! Welcome to Dearborn Community Playhouse’s first annual holiday pageant.
[ audience clapping ]
Gene Halderman: Thank you. My name is Gene Halderman, a lot of you may know me as your doctor, but tonight, I’m just one of the performers in the show you’re about to see. This show is the combination of a lotta hard work, and a lotta sacrifice, and we’re really proud of it. So now, without further ado, please enjoy… The Dance of the Snowflakes.
[ audience clapping ]
[ music playing as everyone starts to dance ]
Gene Halderman V/O: Oh no. This is… dumb? This is so dumb?
[ everyone is dancing to the music ]
Gene Halderman V/O: Oh God. My wife’s here. And everyone from work. Do they think this is dumb? Maybe I’m over thinking this. Everyone else seems to be smiling.
Dancer V/O: Uh oh. Is this… really dumb? It is, isn’t it? Oh God. At least Annette’s into it.
Annette V/O: This is humiliating. How can a person be so sure, something is great for two months, and then, in a split second know the exact opposite is true. Huh, Edgar still likes this.
Edgar V/O: Holy [bleep]. What the hell am I doing up here? I’m a 48 year-old black snowflake. My wife cannot like this.[ music continues to play ]
Gene Halderman: I paid a man $3500 to tape this. I was excited to watch it back.
Dancer V/O: My grandma flew in for this. She brought me flowers. I don’t deserve flowers, I deserve a slap in the face.
Annette V/O: My sister is getting married right now. And I chose to be here. Oh, kill me, just put a bullet in my skull.
Edgar V/O: My wife never gonna wanna see my penis again. Especially not since it’s been bunched up in this tight ass unitard. I really got stuffed in there too. Have to fold it. Oh God, now I’m thinking about my penis. Oh, it’s getting a boner. Oh no no no no no no no no. I gotta turn around.
[ Edgar turns around ]
[ music playing ]
Gene Halderman: I just had new business cards printed. Now they say “Gene Halderman: Doctor/Dancer”. What the hell was I thinking?
Dancer V/O: On the way here, I hit a man with my car. I didn’t stop because I thought this was more important. But, this is nothing.
Edgar V/O: Oh man, there’s a guy in the audience in a wheelchair. I feel like he’s looking at me like, “Thank God my legs can’t do that.” And then my boner’s back. What? Why?
[ Edgar turns around ]
Annette V/O: Backstage, we decided to dedicate this show to Nelson Mandela. Why? He doesn’t want that.
[ music changes ]
Gene Halderman: You know what? Maybe this is good. Yeah, this is good.
Annette V/O: We worked hard on this. I’m proud.
Dancer V/O: I think people definitely like this.
Edgar V/O: Everyone’s smiling, we did a good job.
[ audience clapping and cheering, as it shows “Dearborn Community Playhouse – First Annual Holiday Pageant” ]
Edgar V/O: Oh no, my boner’s back!
Submitted by: Ellis Mitchell
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 39: Episode 9
13i: John Goodman / Kings of Leon
A Message From the President of the United States
President Barack Obama…..Jay Pharoah
Interpretor…..Kenan Thompson
Secret Service Agents…..Beck Bennett, Mike O’Brien
Angela Merkel…..Kate McKinnon
[ open on Presidential Seal ]
Announcer: The following is an address by the President of the United States.
[ dissolve to Barack Obama at podium ]
President Barack Obama: Hello! Good evening! Well, tonight, I’d like to talk to you about the exciting progress we’re making on our healthcare.gov website. Uh, but first… I’d like to address some of the controversies I encountered at the memorial service for Nelson Mandela. I feel like Lemony Snicket… because I experienced a series of unfortunate events. I mean, first… I got roped into taking a selfie with the blonde female Danish prime minister. Some people said Michelle was angry at me for that. But I talked to her afterwards, and I can assure you… she was furious! THen, I got caught shaking hands with Raoul Castro. In my defense… he told me he was Edward James Olmos. And, finally, there was a sign-language interpretor who clearly had no idea what he was doing. But those were, uhh… mere distractions! And, uh, tonight… I would like to focus instead on healthcare.
[ Mandela’s sign-language interpretor appears behind Obama ]
President Barack Obama: Now… I have been listening.
[ the interpretor holds his hand behind his ear ]
President Barack Obama: …To what Americans have been saying.
[ the interpretor makes talking motions with his hands ]
President Barack Obama: …And, uhhh… some very valid concerns are being raised.
[ the interpretor makes a “raising the roof” motion ]
President Barack Obama: But… this is not a battle that will be won overnight.
[ the interpretor mimes machine guns, then lays his hands to his face as if asleep ]
President Barack Obama: And, without a doubt… we’ve seen huge improvements… on our website.
[ the interpretor mimes “shooting the bird” at the computer ]
President Barack Obama: We’ve had our BEST people working on it!
[ the interpretor mimes the curves of an attractive woman, then gives a smiling thumbs-up ]
President Barack Obama: Our VERY BEST people!
[ the interpretor mimes those curves again, but this time gives TWO thumbs-up ]
President Barack Obama: Admn those who claim we are moving in the wrong direction… well, that’s just NONSENSE!
[ the interpretor claps his hands together, bends his middle fingers, then twists his hands around so his middle fingers are wiggling from either end ]
President Barack Obama: I mean… some folks are bound to be frustrated. But… many more are excited.
[ the intepretor waves his hand over his face to make a frown, then lowers his hand over his face to create a smile ]
President Barack Obama: And while I can’t say that I’ve been entirely thrilled with the results…
[ the intepretor mimes Thriller moves ]
President Barack Obama: …I’m just relieved that the website has been turned on again.
[ the interpretor rubs his nipples through his suit ]
President Barack Obama: [ spotting the interpretor ] Hey! What are you doing here?! [ the interptretor mimics Obama ] Please leave, Sir! [ more mimicking ] No, go away! [ more mimicking ] No, you! Not me! Okay, can we get some of our Secret Service in here?!
[ the interpretor mimes climbing a rope, as the Secret Service drag him off ]
President Barack Obama: I apologize for that. Uh, now if I may return to the subject of healthcare…
[ German Chancellor Angela Merkel steps forward ]
Angela Merkel: Yoo-hoo! It’s your favorite German chancellor, Angela Merkel!
President Barack Obama: Okay. What are you doing here?
Angela Merkel: Um… I have und favor to ask? The Danish Prime Minister has been bragging all over Northern Europe about her selfie with you. And I was joping that I could get one as well. [ she pulls out her iPhone ]
President Barack Obama: [ uncomfortable ] Uh — uh — uh, I don’t think so!
Angela Merkel: Oh, really? I kind of feel like you owe me, after the whole wiretapping-my-cellphone thing.
President Barack Obama: Okay, but make it quick.
Angela Merkel: Okay. [ she holds out her iPhone, makes a pouty face, and snaps ] Okay, zat one was serious. Now, let’s do a fun one. [ she holds out her iPhone and snaps it as Obama sticks out his tongue ] Alright! Don’t worry — I won’t guttentag that on Frassbook. That is for my own private use. Oh, was it blurry…?
President Barack Obama: Okay, uh — Security!
[ the Secret Service agents pull her away ]
Angela Merkel: I will ALWAYS love you!
President Barack Obama: Alright… [ as the Interpretor dances into frame ] Oh, great! Now, THIS guy’s back! Geez! You know what? Forget it! I guess… [ the interpretor mimics him ] I guess the only thing left to say is, uh…
Together: “LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT’S SATURDAY NIIIIIIGHTT!!!”
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 39: Episode 9
13i: John Goodman / Kings of Leon
Too Hot
Judge…..Kenan Thompson
Prosecutor…..Cecily Strong
Defense Attorney…..Taran Killam
Jenaveve Lazarra…..John Goodman
Mr. Rosenfeld…..Beck Bennett
[ open on courtroom setting ]
Prosecutor: Ladies and gentlemen, this case is very simple: Did Mr. Rosenfeld unfairly fire my client based on her looks? The answer is Yes. And we will show that this is an open-and-shut case of sexism. My client’s termination was unfair, unprovoked, and, in a problem that is becoming all too common, she was fired for being “too hot.”
[ cut to the portly and manly Jenaveve Lazarra nodding with pouted lips ]
Judge: Defense? Your opening argument?
Defense Attorney: [ standing ] I mean… [ he points to Ms. Lazarra ]
Judge: Alright, Counselor, you have the floor.
Prosecutor: I call the Plaintiff — Miss Jenaveve Lazarra.
[ Ms. Lazarra saunters up to the bench ]
Jenaveve Lazarra: Oo-oohhh! I get to sit by the judge-ah!
Judge: Oh, yes, you DO! [ he chuckles ]
Prosecutor: Miss Lazarra, why do you think Mr. Rosenfeld terminated you from his art gallery?
Jenaveve Lazarra: He found my appearance… too distracting. It was getting him all hot and bothered.
Defense Attorney: Objection! ABSURD speculation!
Judge: Well… I wouldn’t say absurd!
Jenaveve Lazarra: Tee-hee-hee-hee!
Prosecutor: And what did Mr. Rosenthal say when you’d wear one of your sexy, stylish outfits at work?
Jenaveve Lazarra: His eyes would pop out of his head, his jaw would drop to the floor, and his tongue would roll out and he would go: A-oooooohh!!
Defense Attorney: Your Honor, objection! She’s describing a CARTOON WOLF!
Prosecutor: In summary, Jenaveve: Because of your hot, sexy, gorgeous body —
Defense Attorney: Objection! Subjective!
Prosecutor: Because of your shapely body —
Defense Attorney: Objection!
Prosecutor: Because of your body —
Defense Attorney: ObJECTion!
Prosecutor: Because of your… stuff?
[ Defense Attorney thinks, then nods ]
Prosecutor: Because of your “stuff”, you were objectified and demeaned, instead of being treated like the bright, 23-year old woman you are.
Defense Attorney: OBJECTION! [ a beat ] Say what?!
Prosecutor: No further questions.
Judge: Defense? Your lovely witness?
Jenaveve Lazarra: Tee-hee-hee-hee!!
Defense Attorney: Miss Lazarra… you like attention, don’t you?
Jenaveve Lazarra: [ coyly ] Sometimessss…!
Defense Attorney: Miss Lazarra, do you… enjoy sex?
Jenaveve Lazarra: Oh, YEAHHHHHH!!!
Defense Attorney: And do you… you also happen to claim that you were a “model” employee?
Jenaveve Lazarra: Tee-hee-hee! I’m not a model model!
Judge: [ teasing ] Well, you could’ve fooled me!
Defense Attorney: But isn’t it true you would take the drug Ecstasy — at work — and brag about it to co-workers?
Jenaveve Lazarra: [ pouty ] I plead the Fifth.
Defense Attorney: You can’t selectively plead the Fifth.
Jenaveve Lazarra: Then, I plead… Naughty! Tee-hee-hee!
Defense Attorney: And isn’t it true that over one third of the gallery’s paintings had to be thrown away because you got CHOCOLATE on them?
Jenaveve Lazarra: That’s incorrect! It was Nutella.
Judge: But you do like chocolate, don’t you? [ he laughs suggestively ]
Defense Attorney: Your Honor, the Plaintiff’s behavior was NOT appropriate in any context! She was fird because she was TOTALLY incompetent, not because she was [ makes quotes signs with his fingers ] “too hot”! No more questions.
Prosecutor: Miss Lazarra, is it true that Mr. Rosenfeld used to BEG you to dance for him, because he “needed it”?
Defense Attorney: Objection! My client is in NO WAY susceptible to Miss Lazarr’s dancing!
Prosecutor: Alright, then. I submit Exhibit A: Miss Lazarra’s dance moves.
[ suddenly, R. Kelly’s “I’m A Flirt” begins to play, as Miss Lazarra rises to dance suggestively ]
[ in his seat, Mr. Rosenfeld begins to convulse uncomfortably and rise to his feet ]
Defense Attorney: Uh — uh — OBJECTION! YOUR HONOR! OBJECTION!
Judge: Uh-uh! OVERRULED! I like this!
[ the Judge does a double-take as he notices Mr. Rosenfeld dancing beside his bench ]
Prosecutor: Uh… Your Honor?
Judge: You know what? I rule for the Plaintiff! And I award her… one hour in my chamber! [ he bangs his gavel ]
[ fade ]