Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 7


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13g: Josh Hutcherson / HAIM

Weekend Update with Seth Meyers & Cecily Strong

…..Seth Meyers
…..Cecily Strong
The Worst Lady on an Airplane…..Aidy Bryant

Announcer: “Weekend Update”, with Seth Meyers and Cecily Strong.

Seth Meyers: Good evening, I’m Seth Meyers!

Cecily Strong: I’m Cecily Strong!

Seth Meyers: And here are tonight’s top stories!

Seth Meyers: After Democrats, this week, changed the rules in the Senate limiting filibusters, Minority Leader Mitch McConnell warned the Democrats that they will “regret” changing the rules “sooner than you think.” And then he laughed maniacally and flew away on a ladder hanging from a helicopter.”

President Obama, this week, honored 16 people with the Medal of Freedom, including Bill Clinton, Oprah Winfrey. as well as his 14 other remaining supporters.

Cecily Strong: Toronto Mayor Rob Ford said in an interview this week that he would have admitted to smoking crack sooner if anyone had asked him the question: “Have you smoked crack?”, rather than “Do you smoke crack?” And much sooner if anyone had simply asked: “Would you like some crack?”

During a Toronto City Council meeting in which members stripped Rob Ford of most of his powers, the controversial Mayor charged the gallery and ran over a female council member — before he was finally brought down by the third dart.

Insiders are saying that Jack Nicholson and Tom Cruise may soon be reunited in a new movie. Nicholson plays a former president, and Cruise plays a secret service agent who is made to appear taller through camera tricks.

Seth Meyers: It was reported that police were called three times to respond to complaints about a recent party Justin Bieber threw. And each time, the complaint was the same: “No one came to my party.”

More than 800 people submitted ideas for a contest to develop a new type of condom to increase their use, including one with pull tabs so they can be put on more easily. Though, is anyone really saying, ‘This is too difficult, I’ll just raise a child”?

Cecily Strong: The Denver Post, this, week announced that they are looking for a marijuana editor for their website. They have one, they’re just looking for him.A new store has opened in the Chelsea section of New York City, called “The Splash Sexy Boutique”, that will sell coffee, alcohol, and sex toys. “Terrific!” said a tired, alcoholic pervert.

Seth Meyers: Well, the holidays are approaching, which means many people are traveling across the country to visit family and friends. Here with some helpful travel tips: The Worst Lady on an Airplane.

The Worst Lady on an Airplane: Oh… oh… Seth, hi!

Seth Meyers: Now, uh, Worst Lady on an Airplane, I noticed right away you’re wearing a neck pillow. Are you about to take a flight?

The Worst Lady on an Airplane: Ohhh, I’ve been wearing it so long, I can no longer support my own head! Yes, the muscles have atrophied! Doctors call the condition “Baby Neck!”

Seth Meyers: Oh, no! So, I have to ask: Do you have any tips for people traveling this holiday season?

The Worst Lady on an Airplane: Oh, yes! Tip #1: Luggage is for Looooooooo-serrrrrrrs. You won’t see me trying to jam a suitcase into the overhead bin — I carry everything in loose plastic bags! Let’s see: One for clothes, one for toiletries, and one for loose pills!

Seth Meyers: Okay! What else?

The Worst Lady on an Airplane: Hmm… Tip #2: Plan you meals ahead of time. I’m not going to wait for the food cart to stop at every single row. Why take the local, when you can take the Panda Express?

Seth Meyers: Oh, no… You bring Chinese food on the plane?

The Worst Lady on an Airplane: No, Seth — I bring it everywhere! I always get Chicken and Broccoli. I only eat the chicken, and I leave the broccoli on the tray table to cover up my farts!

Seth Meyers: That seems like a lateral move, smell-wise! What else?

The Worst Lady on an Airplane: Well, Tip #4: If you want extra leg room, use my little secret: Set up shop IN THE BATHROOM! I turn that BITCH into my own SLEEPER CAR! You can bang on the door all you want, pal, there are NO vacancies at the Hotel Occupado!

Seth Meyers: Oh, boy…

The Worst Lady on an Airplane: Yes! Yes! [ laughing ] Now, Tip #4: Bring Your Own Entertainment. I open my very own 28-inch Dell laptop. I plug in my headphones, and I just CACKLE at the top of my dang lungs! NOTHING is more relaxing than the sound of unexplained adult laughter! “Excuse me, Ma’am, can you keep it down?” “I don’t know — Can you make Monsters University less hilarious?!” Then, if they complain again, I just pop in a porn-oooo! That’ll clear out the first row faster than you can say “Tuna and egg sandwich”, which I also have in here!

Seth Meyers: Oh, no! You have a second meal?!

The Worst Lady on an Airplane: Yes! I’m very cool! Now, always ahow them who’s boss. That’s Tip #5. Now, I turn my phone OFF before take-off, but I continue to scream into it! When the stewardess comes by to reprimand me, I show her it’s been off the whole time! SHE’s the LOSER; now I HAVE THE POWER!!

Seth Meyers: Okay, you need to relax!

The Worst Lady on an Airplane: FINE!! If you need me, Seth, I’ll be sleeping AND smoking in the bathroom!

Seth Meyers: I don’t see any reason why I’ll need you… The Worst Lady on an Airplane, everybody!

Cecily Strong: People Magazine has named Adam Levine as this year’s “Sexiest Man Alive.” So better luck next year, Maroons 2 through 5.

A Costco in California was criticized for filing Bibles under Fiction in their book section. But no matter where it was filed, you can’t beat 12 bibles for $10.99.

Seth Meyers: A Florida doctor may lose his license after it was revealed that he used “punishment therapy,” including using blindfolds, whips, and handcuffs to treat depression in one of his female patients. Said the doctor: “Joke’s on you; I never had a license!:

Paramount Pictures, which owns the rights to “It’s a Wonderful Life”, said this week that, despite rumors, that they will not produce a sequel to the holiday classic. Which is kind of a shame, because I was looking forward to seeing “2 Wonderful 2 Life.”

Rodney Dangerfield’s widow revealed, this week, that she keeps a bottle of her late husband’s sweat in her refrigerator. Said a recent houseguest: “Wait! What did the bottle look like?!”

Cecily Strong: More than 850 schoolchildren in Thailand set a new world record by creating the largest human Christmas tree ever. Elsewhere in Thailand, the world’s largest human menorah is still looking for a fourth.

A lawmaker in Pennsylvania has introduced legislation that would help slow the exploding coyote population by paying hunters $25 for every one they kill. Said the lawmaker who introduced the bill: [ image: Road Runner ] “Meep meep!”

Seth Meyers: For “Weekend Update”, I’m Seth Meyers!

Cecily Strong: I’m Cecily Strong! Good night!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 7

13g: Josh Hutcherson / HAIM

Thanksgiving Guest

Mom…..Aidy Bryant
Dad…..Taran Killam
Brother…..Kyle Mooney
Todd…..Bobby Moynihan
Trey…..Josh Hutcherson
Elise…..Vanesa Bayer

[ fade in on a dining room set up for Thanksgiving dinner ]

Mom: Boys, come on, settle down. Trey’s gonna be home any minute from college and then we can eat. And we can meet his new girlfriend, Elise.

Dad: He’s being so secretive about her.

Mom: Well, that’s because you hate every girl he brings home!

Dad: That is not true.

Todd: Umm, it *is* true, dad.

[ the doorbell rings ]

Brother: That’s Trey! I’ll get! I’ll get it!

[ he rushes over to open the door ]

Trey: Hi guys, how are you!

Family: Hey!

[ Trey’s brother hugs him as he walks inside.]

Mom: So where’s Elise, we wanna meet her!

Trey: She’s right behind me. Come on in, baby.

[ he steps aside and waves in a large, smiling female turkey ]

Elise: Hi everyone! I’m Elise. Oh my gosh, thank you for having me! Wow. I love your house, it is so beautiful.

Mom: Oh. Thank you. You’re uh… I didn’t know you were a turkey.

Dad: A GUEST! In our home, dear. Right?

Mom: Yes, yes.

Trey: Come on, guys. Elise and I have been traveling all day. Let’s have some food.

Dad: Yes! Yes. Sit, sit. Everyone.

[ everyone sits down ]

Trey: She’s beautiful. Right?

Elise: You’re sweet.

[ she leans over and kisses him and he strokes her feathery stomach. They’re being overall coupley. Cut to a stunned looking Todd and brother ]

Brother: Is Trey,,, is Trey dating a turkey?

[ Todd nods curtly ]

Elise: Smells wonderful. What are we having?

Dad: Oh. Uh, to eat? Umm. Uh, yams! Some, some green beans.

Mom: Uh, some rolls. Some butter for the rolls. Uh, what else?

Brother: Glazed carrots!

Elise: And what’s under here?

[ she pulls off the silver cover from the platter in the center ]

Dad: Elise no!

Mom: No!

[ there’s a roast turkey under there and Elise is so shocked that she faints ]

Trey: Dad, what are you trying to do!?

Dad: It’s Thanksgiving! I didn’t know your girlfriend was a God danged turkey!

Trey: Someone help me pick her up. She weighs a ton!

Todd: I’ll tell you why she weighs a ton. ‘Cus she’s mostly breast meat. Hotsy totsy!

Mom: [ bangs fist on the table ] TODD, NO!

Elise: [ dazed ] Oh, what happened? Where am I?

Trey: Here, have some corn, okay? You’ll feel better.

[ Trey holds out some corn in his hand and Elise pecks at it ]

Trey: Feeling better? You scared me there for a second!

Elise: Yeah, you know, um… I’ve never had it cooked before. It’s good. You know, um, I’m fine. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make a scene. I’m a big girl and I know what this is.

Trey: We don’t have to stay. This is my fault.

Elise: No, no. I love you Trey. And… I’m here to meet your family. [ cut to Trey’s parents who smile ] This is a special day for them so let’s all of us sit down and… [Trey brushes the top of her feathery head ] And have some turkey.

Trey: You sure you wanna do this?

Elise: Yeah. I’m positive.

Trey: [ gestures to the turkey on the table ] This, this was your neighbor. It’s weird.

Elise: Yeah, well. I barely knew the guy so…

Trey: Okay. Okay.

[ Elise and Troy sit back down ]

Elise: This meal looks wonderful. And I can’t wait.

Dad: Well, thank you, Elise. It is wonderful and… I think you’re going to be pleasantly surprised.

Elise: I’m sure I will.

Dad: Well, let’s go! [ pulls out an electric saw ans starts slicing away ]

Trey: [ puts his hands on Elise ] You okay?

Elise: I’m fine.

Dad: Here goes the first leg! [ He grunts and pieces of turkey fly at Elise ]

Trey: You, you still okay?

Elise: [ tense ] Oh yes.

Dad: You, uh, Elise you want some stuffing, right? [ he jams a spoon into the turkey cavity ]

Elise: No! I can’t do this anymore! [ she gets up and looks at Trey ] I can’t! I love you but I can’t! Goodbye. Lose my number!

[ Elise runs off ]

Trey: Elise, please come back!

[ cut to outside as we hear Trey’s voiceover ]

Trey: Thanks a lot dad!

Dad: Well…

[ the shot outside shows a real turkey coming out of a house door ]

[ fade ]

Submitted by: Sunnie S.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 7

13g: Josh Hutcherson / HAIM

Josh Hutcherson’s Monologue

…..Josh Hutcherson
…..Kate McKinnon
…..Noël Wells
…..Vanessa Bayer
…..Cecily Strong
…..Bobby Moynihan
70s Swinger……Kenan Thompson

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen – Josh Hutcherson!

Josh Hutcherson: Thank you! Thank you, guys, so so much! I, uh, I’m so excited to be here hosting Saturday Night Live! Ah, [ audience cheers ] Thank you! Thank you. I, uh, you know, it’s almost Thanksgiving. And I, uh, I just turned twenty one. [ audience cheers and claps ] So that’s great. I’m, I *will* be drinking wine… at the, uh, kids table this year. So, I’m very excited. You guys probably most know me from ‘The Hunger Games’. [ the audience cheers and claps ] Alright, Alright. I, uh, I play Peeta. The brave young hero who immediately gets hurt and has to be carried around for the rest of the movie. And also, I’m very lucky that some of the members of the cast tonight are huge Hunger Games fans themselves.

[ Kate McKinnon, dressed up as Effie Trinket in her purple outfit from the first movie, rushes over to the stage with a plastic bowl full of paper slips ]

Kate McKinnon: Oh, you don’t know the half of it, Josh! Woo!

Josh Hutcherson: Uhh, wow. That’s uh, that’s an intense costume.

Kate McKinnon: [ excited ] Oh this? That’s just something I had lying around. Just in case you ever hosted. Which you are. Aaah! [ clenches her fist ] Yah!

Josh Hutcherson: I… what’s, what’s with the bowl here?

Kate McKinnon: Oh. Well, in honor of you hosting tonight we are starting a new tradition. We’re going to draw the name of one male and one female cast member and they will come on stage and fight *to the death*!

[ the audience laughs and a few cheer ]

Josh Hutcherson: Uhh, I don’t, I don’t think we need to do that.

Kate McKinnon: Yes we do! And don’t worry. Don’t worry, everyone is very excited!

[ cut to offstage where a bunch of cast members in plain clothing who look wide-eyed and unenthusiastic, then cut back to Josh onstage ]

Josh Hutcherson: Yeah, they don’t seem that excited, Kate.

Kate McKinnon: Nonsense! Now we’ll begin with the ladies. [ she rummages through the bowl of slips ]

[ cut to the cast members, including Noël Wells who is dressed up like Prim Everdeen from ‘The Hunger Games’ ]

Noël Wells: [ nervous ] Oh. Oh, I hope I don’t get chosen!

Vanessa Bayer: [ comforting ] Don’t worry, Noël. It’s your first year. Your name is only in the bowl once.

[ cut to the stage with Kate and Josh ]

Kate McKinnon: [ reading a slip of paper ] Noël Wells!

[ Noël looks shocked but walks to the front stage ]

Josh Hutcherson: Noël, I’m really sorry.

Noël Wells: [sighs] Well, on the bright side I’ll get extra stage time.

Cecily Strong: [ steps on stage, blocks Noël, and speaks in a low voice ] I volunteer! I volunteer as tribute.

[ Vanessa is, of course, wearing the same kind of dress Katniss Everdeen wore in the first Hunger Games movie. She’s also carrying a huge bow. Noël leaves the stage ]

Kate McKinnon: We have a volunteer!

Josh Hutcherson: Uh, Cecily why are you carrying a bow and arrow?

Cecily Strong: It’s New York City, baby. It’s a friggin’ jungle out there.

Kate McKinnon: Alright, and now for the male. [ she digs through the bowl of slips and pulls out a set of keys ] Wait, are these someone’s keys?

[ a 70s swinger type of guy walks on stage ]

70s Swinger: Oh, those are actually mine. I’m sorry, I though this was gonna be something else.

[ the audience laughs and applauds as he struts off the stage ]

Kate McKinnon: Alright, moving on. Although ultimately I might want to get in on that key thing later. But we’re moving on. Moving on to the male cast member… which is [ she finally pulls a slip of paper from the bowl ] Bobby Moynihan!

[ Off stage with the other cast members, Bobby Moynihan pulls up a trident, similar to the one used by Finnick Odair in the second movie ]

Bobby Moynihan: [ laughs darkly ] Oh, it’s on now!

Josh Hutcherson: Okay, guys, guys stop. Come on, we can’t start the show like this. After all, ‘The Hunger Games; is just a movie.

Kate McKinnon: And a book!

Josh Hutcherson: It’s a book? [ audience laughs ]

Kate McKinnon: Yeah!

[ back offstage with the other cast mates ]

Bobby Moynihan: Yeah, Josh relax. I mean, we’re totally joking around. Obviously we’re not going to kill each other. We’re like a family. [ suddenly he’s shot in the chest with an arrow ] OHHH GAAHHH! [ he stumbles back and falls down ]

[ onstage, Cecily has her hands in a “recently shot her bow” position and she looks shocked ]

Cecily Strong: Oh my God. I just shot my friend… and it felt incredible!

Kate McKinnon: We have a winner!

Josh Hutcherson: Well, you know, congratulations. I, uh, I guess you’re a lot like me. You’re a fighter so…

[ He raises his arm and high fives Cecily ]

Josh Hutcherson: Gah! [ he pulls back his hand quickly ] That, what the hell? That hurt!

Cecily Strong: I barely hit you.

Josh Hutcherson: Well, I’m easily injured! Okay? Now you’re going to have to carry me to the next sketch.

Cecily Strong: Oh my God. Alright. [ she bends down a bit, patting her shoulders ] Come on.

Josh Hutcherson: Thank you.

[ Josh climbs onto her back, with Kate trying to help a bit. Seems like Cecily is holding him pretty well. The audience cheers ]

Josh Hutcherson: Oh! We have a great show for you tonight! HAIM is here! So, everybody stick around and we’ll be right back.

[ Josh mimes a whipping motion as Cecily carries him off stage. Meanwhile, the 70s Swinger has come back to escort Kate offstage ]

Submitted by: Sunnie S.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 7

13g: Josh Hutcherson / HAIM

Matchbox 3

Kid Float…..Kenan Thompson
Amir…..Jay Pharoah
Lil’ Peanut…..Josh Hutcherson

[ in a black and white, documentary style short video, rap music plays over shots of NYC and its subway system. “Matchbox 3” is graffiti’d on the side of the train door ]

[ by a chainlink fence, facing the Brooklyn Bridge, a street dancer gives an interview ]

Kid Float: Yo, being a subway performer ain’t easy, man. Especially in a city like New York.

[ three subway dancers walk into a train and then we cut to the second street dancer giving an interview ]

Amir: I mean, you’re competing with so many other performers. If you wanna survive, you gotta find an angle. Some’in.

[ cut to the third subway dancer in front of a park ]

Lil’ Peanut: Anybody can dance on any subway train. Only a few can dance when it’s crowded. It takes a special ability.

[ cut to the three subway dancers entering a fairly packed train ]

Amir: Ladies and gentlemen! We’re the Matchbox 3!

Lil’ Peanut: Three!

Kid Float: Three!

Amir: Get ready for the show of yo’ dreams!

Kid Float & Lil’ Peanut: The show of yo’ dreams!

Amir: As you can see, this train is very crowded. But do not worry. We have perfected the art of b-boy dancing within a three inch radius of our own bodies!

[ Amir leans down to turn on the radio. The subway dancers start grooving to it, keeping to their space ]

Kid Float: [ voiceover ] I mean, our philosophy is, more eyeballs means more dollars.

[ the three subway dancers are talking outside a park ]

Amir: Yeah, this is like, this all your business, you know?

Lil’ Peanut: Yeah, the more people on the car, is like a hundred… a hundred potential customers, you know?

Amir: Yeah.

[ they continue to dance but the train riders aren’t very interested. Cut back to Kid Float’s interview ]

Kid Float: You can’t stir the pot on the train! [ shows the dance move involving moving his whole arm out in circles; like stirring a pot ] That’s why I stir the espresso. [ shows said move by miming stirring a drink ]

[ Kid Float shows his stirring moves on a crowded train. Cut to Lil’ Peanut doing the running man, then doing an interview on a train platform ]

Lil’ Peanut: Y’all know the “running man”? I do the “running neck”!

[ the “Running Neck” consists of a sort of half-worm dance move done while sitting down. It’s not as impressive ]

Amir: Hey, sometimes it get so crowded, we gotta improvise.

[ back on the train, Amir makes another announcement on an even-more-packed train ]

Amir: Ladies and gentlemen! I am Amir, and I will be doing “spirit fingers”.

Kid Float: I’m Kid Float! And I’ll be doing the “funky periscope”.

Lil’ Peanut: [ peeking from behind a taller commuter in a suit ] And I’m Peanut! And I’ll be holding this flag up for your reference!

[ Lil’ Peanut raises a red flag, a few feet away from his two fellow subway dancers in the crowded train ]

Amir: Enjoy the show!

Kid Float & Lil’ Peanut: Enjoy the show!

[ Amir turns on the same song as before and their dance routine consists of constrained hand movements ]

Amir & Kid Float: Go Peanut! Go Peanut! Go Peanut!

Lil’ Peanut: Aaah!

[ another voiceover on a new train ]

Kid Float: I mean, like, you gotta claim your territory.

[ the subway dancers have encountered a mariachi band at the next subway stop ]

Lil’ Peanut: Yeah, absolutely. You know, the right choice in car can make a difference between a three dollar day and a four dollar day.

[ the dancers and the mariachi band make a dash into a less crowded car and the band start playing first ]

Kid Float: Oh snap, son! Oh snap!

Lil’ Peanut: This is our train! And now we’re hurt!

[ the mariachis play and we get another interview with Lil’ Peanut ]

Lil’ Peanut: Gotta be versatile. You know, we can dance anywhere.

[ the ding of an elevator shows the subway dancers have now taken their talents to a new location ]

Amir: Ladies and gentlemen! Get ready for the show of yo’ dreams!

Kid Float & Lil’ Peanut: The show of yo’ dreams!

[ as their usual music plays, the elevator door closes, then we cut to Kid Float & Amir by the chain link fence looking distressed ]

Kid Float: We had a little incident yesterday. We lost Lil’ Peanut.

Amir: Yo, one minute, he was there. And then…

[ a sort of flashback cut shows Lil’ Peanut getting pushed back by some taller, incoming train commuters, flag and all ]

Amir: I mean, the next minute he was gone. We’re hoping that his marking flag would have served its purpose

Kid Float: It did not.

[ on the crowded train, the two subway dancers make an announcement to the train passengers ]

Amir: If you see a little white dude, please pass him over your heads to our general vicinity! In the meantime, We’ll be dancing using only our faces! Enjoy the show!

Kid Float: Enjoy the show!

[ once again, Amir turns on the same song and they soldier on with their dance routine. Amir uses his expressive eyebrows and Kid Float does a mean fish impression, opening and closing his mouth ]

Kid Float: [ voiceover ] We looked for him for a couple of days, then we just had to replace him.

[ Kid Float and Amir are sitting on some subway steps. They’re joined by a new dance member ]

Kid Float: Luckily, little white dudes ain’t hard to find. No offense.

[ their new dance member doesn’t seem offended ]

Amir: Yeah, as they say on the Broadway of your life on a platform, the show must go on.

[ the new Matchbox 3 perform on a reasonably packed train and the new guy has some moves (though no one can replace Lil’ Peanut) ]

Amir: Now freeze!

[ the subway dancers freeze for a moment then continue dancing as the train rides on ]

[ the last shot is a black and white, still photo of the original members of Matchbox 3. Kid Float and Amir’s images fade away until only Lil’ Peanut’s image remains, along with this message: “Dedicated To Lil’ Peanut & Subway Dancers Everywhere” ]

[ fade ]

Submitted by: Sunnie S.

SNL Transcripts