For Die Hard Saturday Night Live Fans
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 39: Episode 7
Goodnights
…..Josh Hutcherson
Josh Hutcherson: Alright, guys, I want to say Thank You to everybody! Thank you to Haim, especially! All you people! It was the most amazing experience of my life, thank you all so much!
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 39: Episode 7
Girlfriends Talk Show
Kyra…..Cecily Strong
Morgan….Aidy Bryant
Trevor Masterson….Josh Hutcherson
[ open on theme montage ]
Theme Song:
“Girlfriends talkin’ ’bout guys and stuff!
Girlfriends talkin’ ’bout cute guys and clothes!
Girlfriends Talk Show!”
[ dissolve to Morgan and Kyra on set ]
Kyra: Oh, my God, hi. [ waves ]
Morgan: Hi! And welcome to “Girlfriends Talk Show”.
Kyra: I’m Kyra to the max!
Morgan: And I’m the most Morgan I can be right now.
Kyra: And we’re BFFs.
Morgan: Yeah. We’re such BFFs that we finish each other’s…
Kyra: Awesome.
Morgan: …Sentences.
Kyra: Totally.
Morgan: Well, we have a great show for you. We’re doing it all on our own today.
Kyra: No, we’re not. I invited Trevor Masterson.
Morgan: You what!? He’s, like, the cutest boy in school. How could you do this to me?
Kyra: Awesome. Let’s bring him out.
[ Trevor walks on set, waving to everyone before sitting down ]
Trevor: Hey. Hey Kyra, hi Morgan.
Morgan: Oh my God, he knows my name!
Trevor: Yeah, of course I do.
Morgan: [ kind of hyperventilating ] Aaaaahhh!
Trevor: You have a really cool show. I don’t know if I’m, I mean, I don’t know if I’m *that* cute, though. I have been working out lately. [ he clumsily tries to show off his arm ]
Kyra: Yeah. [ Morgan starts sort of nervously gaping and swallowing ] Morgan, your mouth is wide open. Why are you making that face?
Morgan: Aaahhoooohh… [ she awkwardly raises her arms ] I guess I was just yawning. Because I’m so chill with whatever’s happening right now.
Kyra: Trevor’s on the school soccer team and in the male a capella group called ‘Fourtisibros’. Morgan goes to every show ‘cus he’s her secret crush.
Morgan: No he’s not! Kyra! Why would I go to someone’s show just because they’re, like, super foiiine.
[ Trevor smiles at Morgan and she laughs a bit nervously ]
Kyra: Whatever. Why don’t you do one of your songs for us, Trevor?
Trevor: Uh yeah, sure. But, I mean, it might sound kinda weird without the other guys here. [ he steels himself and sings in a low-pitch ] Baaaaaaaaaaa… You don’t know you’re beautiful.
Kyra: That’s nice.
Trevor: It sounds so much better with all the other guys. [ he shrugs ] I mean… big difference.
Kyra: So awesome. Okay. First topic.
Morgan: [ pulls up some fuchsia tights ] Fashion tights!
Trevor: Parties.
Kyra: [ pointing at Trevor, matter-of-fact ] Parties.
Morgan: What? When did you guys change the topic?
Kyra: Yesterday.
Morgan: [ dismayed ] How do you guys even know each other so well?
Kyra: I met Trevor at Tara’s party.
Trevor: Yeah, it was radical. We played spin the bottle and I kept making it land on Becky Weathers.
Morgan: Becky Weathers? She’s a witch with a “b” in front! She’s always taking unflattering photos of me and texting them to my phone when she knows I have very limited texting!
Kyra: Yeah. Morgan has a fave five family plan. It just has her mom’s number, me, her dad, Domino’s Pizza, and 911.
Trevor: Why is 911 in your five faves?
Morgan: Um, I don’t know. Maybe because I’m allergic to bees. I mean, it’s not their fault. I’m just, I’m always reaching for them. [ she mimes “reaching for bees” ]
Kyra: Awesome.
Trevor: That’s so weird. I love it.
Morgan: You do?
Trevor: Yeah.
Morgan: Um, you know there’s a study somewhere that uh, weird people are the best at romantic bed time for private, under the sheet, fantasy moments. [ she bobs her head and sticks out her tongue a bit… possibly trying to look sexy ]
Kyra: What are you doing?
Morgan: I don’t know!
Kyra: Morgan, what are you even talking about? That’s not for you. Where did that even come from?
Morgan: I don’t know! I think I might be entering womanhood *right now*!
Trevor: [ claps his hands and laughs ] That’s hilarious! You’re so much funnier than Becky Weathers!
Morgan: [ surprised and hopeful ] Really?
Trevor: Yeah! You know I feel like I could hang out with you all day and laugh. And then just go see her at night and, like, have a make-out sesh.
Morgan: …What kind of hell am I in right now?
Kyra: Awesome. Next topic.
Trevor: Selfies!
Morgan: Miniature Christmas villages! [ she pulls out a miniature Christmas village ]
Kyra: No. Selfies. We changed that.
[ Trevor picks up his cell phone and tries to take a selfie ]
Morgan: What? Why? My self isn’t so self-involved. Also my phone doesn’t even have a camera.
Kyra: Oh wait, Trevor. Remember that selfie Tara took that we laughed so hard about? [ she starts giggling ]
Trevor: [ laughing ] Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then she accidentally sent it to her school bus driver. I remember.
Kyra: That was *so* funny.
Trevor: We laughed so hard about that.
Morgan: [ moving into the frame to join Trevor and Kyra ] Ahahahaha! Oh man, Kyra. Remember when we went to Panera and I accidentally dropped my sandwich and all the ingredients went everywhere?
Kyra: Yeah.
Morgan: Yeah, remember how hard we laughed at that?
Kyra: I remember the people that worked there laughed and I just watched you clean up your sandwich. It made me sad.
Morgan: God. Kyra, can you just please work with me! I’m not like you. I’m fighting for my life out here! You *have* a boyfriend!
Kyra: I know. And my boyfriend’s older. The other day he asked me to go sit at a fountain and eat a to-go box of fully loaded beef nachos. While he watched with his opera glasses from a nearby restaurant. When I finished my nachos, he drove by in a car and threw a note out the window. It said “great job”. [ shakes her head in amusement ] My boyfriend’s crazy!
Trevor: Sounds kinda cool to me.
Morgan: Trevor, I love you!
Trevor: What?
Morgan: Oh my God, what have I done!?
Kyra: Awesome. Well join us next time. Later, bye!
[ they all wave goodbye ]
Theme Song: “Girlfriends Talk Show!”
[ fade ]
Submitted by: Sunnie S.
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 39: Episode 7
Investigative Report
Winston Sam Bass…..Mike O’Brien
Lance Sam Bass…..Josh Hutcherson
[ open on Winston Sam Bass, Investigative Reporter standing on the street ]
Winston Sam Bass: Good afternoon! You know how, when you see bugs, they’re always running? You ever wanted to ask them: “Where the heck do YOU gotta be?” Tonight, we DO! [ he imitates tense action music ]
[ play foottage of Winston searching high and low for bugs ]
[ SUPER: “Bugs: Where The Heck Do You Gotta Be?” ]
[ cut to roach running across the pavement ]
Winston Sam Bass: This guy IS bookin’! Sir! Can I ask: What’s the rush?! [ he thrusts his microphone toward the roach ] He’s not talking.
[ cut to any running across a wall ]
Winston Sam Bass: Sir, can I ask you something? Where you headed? What’s the rush? Where’s the fire? He’s not talking… [ the ants fall off the wall ] Oh! He just jumped! I didn’t touch him, you saw it, he just jumped!
Winston Sam Bass V/O: It seemed like my day was gonna be longer than anticipated.
[ cut to a bug running across the sidewalk ]
Winston Sam Bass: Sir! Do you see these cameras? Yuo’re on TV! [ the bug keeps running ] This guy’s a fuckin’… [ he jumps to his feet as the bug runs under his leg ] Aghhh!!
Winston Sam Bass V/O: I was having NO dumb luck with these gringos… so I went up north to Spanish Harlem, to see if I couldn’t shake some trees.
[ cut to Spanish roach running across the sidewalk ]
Winston Sam Bass: Senor! Senor! Un quetunto, por favor. Where are you going, sir? Senor? Un poco momento, thank you! This guy’s wise to me — Cut it!
[ cut to Winston standing alone ]
Winston Sam Bass: And now, for a special report, let’s send it over to my little brother Lance!
[ roll footage of the two brothers mingling on the street ]
Lance Sam Bass: Hey, I’m Lance Sam Bass! I love you so much, Bro! Today, we’re gonna be talking to some bugs! [ to a slug ] Excuse me, Ma’am, can you tell us where you’re going, please? [ as the slug: ] “I’m going to the supermarket!” Well, you heard it here first, ladies and gentlemen — this bug is going to the supermarket!
[ return to Winston Sam Bass ]
Winston Sam Bass: Wow! first try, and he got one to talk! That’s, uh… beginner’s luck, I guess! Uh, 16 years my junior, uh… [ he notices a fire engine siren drowning him out ]
[ cut to Winston Sam Bass leaning over another fast bug ]
Winston Sam Bass: Whoa, look at THIS fat ass! Sir, let me guess: Are you headed back for seconds? Oom-baba, oom-baba… Hey, maybe we could add some tuba music. [ tuba music plays over bug ] Or play him in reverse, and do a ?? noise. [ truck beep-beep plays over bug in reverse ] I don’t know… naybe I shouldn’t have done that. I used to be a lot bigger, I’ve lost a lot of weight. [ he sits down and cries ] Cut it.
[ cut to Winston eating out of the trash ]
Winston Sam Bass V/O: Though, as it turned out, my day was longer than I anticipated.
[ cut back to Winston Sam Bass ]
Winston Sam Bass: Well, that’s our show. Did you like it? I’m not sure that I did… For one thing, we never did find out where bugs are going. Whatever it is, I hope it’s for the betterment of all bugkind. Call me a hopeless romantic… call me a dummy… Just don’t… call me a dummy. [ he chokes up ] Actually… I don’t like it, my dad used to call me a dummy. [ he cries ] Cut it. Cut it. I want to try one more where I don’t cry…
[ cut to BUGS card ]
[ fade ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 39: Episode 7
Office Boss
Mitchell…..Kenan Thompson
Craig…..Josh Hutcherson
Richard Patterson…..Beck Bennett
Assistant…..Brooks Wheelan
CFO…..Taran Killam
Photographer…..Vanessa Bayer
[ open in Richard Patterson’s office, as new hire Craig entors with Mitchell ]
Mitchell: And, last but not least, this is Mr. Patterson’s office.
Craig: Look at the size of this place…
Mitchell: Well, Mr. Patterson is the CEO of the fastest-growing financial start-up in history. so I think he’s earned it.
Craig: Yeah, I know. I’m actually really nervous to meet him.
Mitchell: Oh, you’ll be fine. There’s just a few things you should know about him: He has the I.Q. of a genius, he loves fantasy football… [ quickly ] and he has the body of baby.
Craig: [ confused ] What was the last one?
Mitchell: Shh! Not now! He’s almost off the phone!
[ reveal Richard Patterson sitting on the floor behind a short desk, with his bare feet clapping against one another ]
Richard Patterson: Alright! Pleasure talking to you as always, Bob. You take care now. Alright. [ he tries to hang up the phone by repeatedly slapping the receiver ]
Mitchell: Mr. Patterson, uh, this is your new assistant Craig.
Craig: Hello, Sir, uh, it’s a pleasure to meet you.
[ Craig extends his hand, which Mr. Patterson grabs awkwardly and attempts to balance from before sucking it ]
Mitchell: You, as well! I’ve heard nothing but excellent things about you.’
Craig: Thank you, Sir. [ to Mitchell ] Hey, Mitchell? Could I talk to you for just one second?
Mitchell: Oh, sure. What could this possibly be about? [ he smirks ]
Craig: How am I supposed to work with this guy?
Mitchell: What do you mean? Mr. Patterson is the most brilliant financial mind of our generation.
[ Mr. Patterson pounds his keyboard with his hands ]
Craig: I know, I know… but I wasn’t expecting, uh… I wasn’t expecting this.
Richard Patterson: Hey, Craig! Could you hand me those Third Quarter reports on the coffee table over there?
Craig: Uh… Yes, sir, uh… what do they look like?
Richard Patterson: You know what? Maybe it’ll just be faster if I come to you.
Craig: Are you sure?
Richard Patterson: Absolutely. [ he stands up awkwardly, smashing his face against the phone ] It’s your first day, after all. [ he takes uncoordinated and unbalanced baby steps across the room ] And I know all this paperwork can be a little confusing. [ he flings the papers around and pounds on the coffee table ] But… you’ll learn to get the hang of it. [ he grabs a folder and flings it back and forth in his hands ] Nooo, that’s not it! [ he drops it and grabs another folder ] Here it is, right here. [ he puts the folder in his mouth and slobbers on it ]
Craig: Is that all you wanted it for?
Richard Patterson: Yes! Thank you very much! [ he flings the folder back on the coffee table, nearly losing his balance ]
[ Assistant enters ]
Assistant: Hey, Mr. Patterson! I have your lunch right here.
Richard Patterson: Excellent! I’ll take it on the floor.
Assistant: Alright. [ he places the tray on the floor, then exits ]
Richard Patterson: Great! [ to Craig ] Please join me and tell me a little about yourself. [ he plops himself down ]
Craig: Okay, um… Well, I, uh… I grew up in Seattle…
Richard Patterson: [ playing with his spaghetti ] Ahhh, love it!
Craig: But, I-I I moved to the East Coast when I got accepted into Yale.
Richard Patterson: Oh, Yale! I, uh… I think I’ve heard of it. [ he rubs and pounds the spaghetti on his head ]
Craig: and now, I’m just looking for some… some… [ Mr. Patterson flings spaghetti at his face ] some real world, uh, financial experience.
Richard Patterson: Oh, that’s very smart! [ he blows on his spaghetti ]
[ CFO enters ]
CFO: Hey, Richard? Do you have a minute to go over a few things?
Richard Patterson: I always have time for my favorite CFO!
CFO: [ he laughs ] Okay, on 2! [ he lifts Mr. Patterson into his arms ] Now, uh… as you know, I’m meeting the Board of Directors this afternoon.
Richard Patterson: Uh-huh, I’m aware. [ he feeds spaghetti into the CFO’s mouth ]
CFO: Basically, I did some cost analysis and I’m gonna recommend that we go public in… honestly, about 6 to 8 months.
Richard Patterson: [ rubbing spaghetti into the CFO’s hair ] Alright, alright… excellent!
CFO: Well, thanks, Richard. I do appreciate that. Are we still on for tennis later?
Richard Patterson: Noooo, I can’t! My foot’s killing me, I banged it up yesterday.
CFO: Oh, no…
Craig: Oh, uh… do you want me to kiss it and make it better? I…
Richard Patterson: What?! No! I’m an adult man!
Craig: My mistake…
CFO: Oh, uh, one last thing, Richard: The photographer from Forbes is here to take your picture.
[ the Photographer enters ]
Photographer: Hello, sir! Is now a good time?
Richard Patterson: [ climbing down from the CFO’s shoulders ] Uhhhh, yes, but let’s make it quick. I have a meeting with a major Japanese investor at 10:00. Fingers crossed! [ he crosses his fingers, then intertwines them with all his other fingers ]
Photographer: Okay, just look at the camera, Sir! Okay? Alright, over here? Please?
Richard Patterson: [ facing and leaning in the wrong direction ] Over where? Where do you want me to look? ‘Cause, I have to say, I can’t find the camera!
Photographer: Over here. Sir? Can you…?
CFO: Richard… Richard…
Craig: [ holding up his keys and jingling them ] Mr. Patterson! Follow the keys!
Richard Patterson: Oh! Oh, I hear the keys! I hear the keys!
Craig: Over here!
Richard Patterson: [ turning around ] Oh, oh! There it is! I see it. Hey! Great work with the keys, Craig! [ he slaps his legs repeatedly ] I like it. I think you’ll fit in just fine here.
Craig: Thank you, Sir. That means a lot.
Photographer: Okay, Richard: Smile for the camera… and 3, 2, 1… [ she snaps the picture ]
[ cut to Forbes magazine cover: “Look Who’s A Big Boy In The World Of Finance” ]
[ fade ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 39: Episode 7
Best Buy Firing
Todd…..Josh Hutcherson
Dana…..Cecily Strong
Niff…..Bobby Moynihan
Dylan…..Jay Pharoah
Rosie…..Kate McKinnon
Beth…..Aidy Bryant
Drew…..Beck Bennett
Jessica…..Vanesa Bayer
Grace…..Nasim Pedrad
Edward…..Mike O’Brien
Mandrew…..Taran Killam
Randy…..Kenan Thompson
Ben…..Brooks Wheelan
[ shot of a Best Buy store, then fade to the interior of a Best Buy back room ]
Todd: Okay everybody, team meeting please! Quick team meeting! I, uh, I have some bad news. We were a little overzealous in our Black Friday hiring and we’re overstaffed this season so unfortunately-
Niff: Oh, yeah right!
Dana: Oh please! You overstaffed?! Let me guess, by two?
Niff: Yeah we know you firin’ us! ‘Cus all these ugly-ass mugs keep complainin’!
Dana: Planet of the apes-lookin’ bitches!
[ cut to a large group of Best Buy staff ]
Niff: You stupid-ass apes!
Todd: I, uh, I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’d love to really just really get through this, really quickly if I-
Niff: Not listening, Todd! Because if we goin’ out, then we goin’ out on top like Breaking Bad!
Dana: So, please direct your attention over to Dylan!
[ cut to an annoyed and confused looking Dylan ]
Niff: Ooh! Dylan! Why is your phone so damn big?! I mean the dummy got a 96 inch flat screen on his belt!
Dana: What you need that phone for?! Are you trying to take a picture of Rosie’s big-ass neck tattoo?
[ cut to Rosie who who has a dark-purple splotch on her neck ]
Rosie: It’s a birthmark.
Niff: Uhh, no. It’s a *bitch* mark!
Dana: Because you were put on this earth to be a bitch.
[ Dana and Niff do a little dance to that insult ]
Niff: Oooooh! You a bitch.
Todd: Guys, please stop doing the butterfly. It’s not helping anybody.
Niff: Oh, speaking of not helping, look at these jacked up fools!
[ cut to three black-shirted employees of Best Buy’s “Geek Squad” ]
Niff: The Geek Squad? Woof! More like… the Geek Squad!
Dana: And he didn’t have to change that one!
Niff: No and can’t you see that no one needs you anymore? Or is you blind?
[ Dana pulls out a plastic recorder and plays ‘Three Blind Mice’ ]
Niff: [ singing to the tune of ‘Three Blind Mice’ ] Three blind bitches! Three blind bitches! See how they suck! See how they suck! One is a bitch with dirty hair! And one is a bitch who doesn’t care!
Dana: [ finishes the lyric ] And one has bad skin.
Todd: Dana, Niff, please stop.
Dana: Ooh, but how can we stop when it’s time to play the Pyramid!
Niff: Ooh! That’s my favorite! [ plays some game show music from his phone ]
Dana: [ giving hints ] Okay, stupid face.
Niff: Pass!
Dana: Can’t read.
Niff: Pass!
Dana: Uh, stank breath.
Niff: Oh, that’s that trash pile, Beth.
[ cut to Beth ]
Beth: Okay, that hurt but thanks for not bringing up my adult braces.
Niff: Oh come on, Beth. I mean, we’re not monsters!
Dana: Yeah, we have a heart!
Todd: Guys this is getting a little weird for everyone.
Dana: Oh, no. Speaking of weird. Drew! Have you eaten Cheetos today?
[ cut to Drew who has some orange smudging around his mouth ]
Drew: Mm… no.
Niff: What about Doritos?
Drew: No.
Niff: Then why on earth is your mouth so orange?!
Dana: You look like you were face-deep in Garfield’s butt!
Niff: I mean, leave that cat alone!
Dana: It’s a Monday!
Todd: It is a little strange, Drew.
Dana: No, no. no. Which brings us to this motor mouth.
Niff: [ makes a blub sound with his fingers on his lips ] Jessica! We are sick and tired of hearing about how you was that baby Jessica that fell down that well!
[ cut to Jessica ]
Jessica: I am baby Jessica.
Dana: Well, now you work at Best Buy!
Niff: Yeah! You was better off in the well!
Todd: [ trying not to laugh ] That’s enough! Really, it’s not-
Niff: Oh, enough? Well you obviously talkin’ to Grace!
Dana: Yeah, we all know you wear butt pads to make your butt look good!
[ Cut to Grace sitting down ]
Grace: Actually, I don’t.
Niff: Oh. Well, damn girl.
Dana: Good on you.
Niff: Nice!
Todd: Well, that’s, that’s very nice.
Dana: No! Now, where’s that freak bitch, Edward?
Niff: Yeah, where he?
[ cut to Edward who has stringy hair and long nails ]
Dana: Cut ya nails! Nobody cares if you’re a classical guitarist! We work at Best Buy! To us, you’re just like Edward Scissorhands.
Niff: Yeah!
[ Niff climbs onto a stool and starts sprinkling confetti under a spinning Dana, presumably re-enacting an Edward Scissorhands scene ]
Niff: Sorry, I got weird fingers, Winona Ryder!
Edward: Okay, you had that snow in your pocket. You clearly planned this.
Niff: Oh, and by the way, Mandrew, why do you always look like you just freshly murdered someone?
[ cut to Mandrew with his bowl haircut and creepy smile ]
Niff: I mean, you follow us from job to job! I guess we just have to accept the fact that you will kill us one day.
Dana: Yeah, what are you gonna kill, one of us? Both of us? What’s the plan?
[ Mandrew simply shrugs and continues to smile creepily ]
Todd: That was unsettling.
Dana: No. What’s unsettling is Randy’s hair color!
Niff: Yeah. I mean, you look like Ronald McDonald!
[ cut to Randy with a bright red afro ]
Randy: Who’s Ronald McDonald?
[ Niff just shakes his head in exasperation ]
Dana: Hey, Ben. you’re stupid. You like magic?
[ cut to Ben who nods and sounds a bit stoned ]
Ben: Huh. Yeah, yeah. How did you know?
Dana: You wanna watch us turn one bitch into three bitches?
Niff: Ooohhh [ he aims a camcorder at Ben ] Look at that!
[ Ben’s face appears on the three monitors beside them and Ben laughs, sounding impressed ]
Niff: It’s magic, bitch.
Ben: I can’t believe that. That was great!
[ Niff turns off the camcorder and rolls his eyes, groaning ]
Todd: Guys, look, I know that Dylan is a bitch, that Rosie sucks, and Drew loves Garfield’s butt. I get it. Everybody knows that. It’s a fact. But you’re not getting fired. Mandrew is, okay?
[ Mandrew suddenly pops up behind Todd ]
Todd: Where is Mandrew? [ after a pause ] He’s standing right behind me, isn’t he?
Niff: Ooh. Well, so long, Todd. You was a great manager and you wadn’t even big a’bitch.
Dana: Good meeting, y’all. I’ll catch you on the flip.
[ Niff and Dana start to dance while Mandrew drags Todd’s chloroformed body away ]
Niff: Yo, sorry guys, you all gettin’ fired. Yo, rest in peace, Todd!
[ fade out on Best Buy store ]
Submitted by: Sunnie S.
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 39: Episode 7
Animal Hospital
Vet Nurse 1…..Cecily Strong
Vet Nurse 2…..Josh Hutcherson
Vet Nurse 3…..Kate McKinnon
Ms. Suitor…..Aidy Bryant
Anthony Denvers…..Kenan Thompson
Black Horse Owner…..Brooks Wheelan
Chesnut Horse Owner…..Noël Wells
[ exterior of an animal hospital, then fade to the interior office at the desk of some veterinary nurses ]
Vet Nurse 1: [ in a think southern accent ] Oh Lord. This is the longest day of my life, so far. Right?
Vet Nurse 2: [ in a flamboyant southern accent ] I know, y’all. I have got to get inserts for my shoes ‘cus my arches are just gonna collaaapse.
Vet Nurse 3: [in a low-key southern accent ] My arches have done so already.
Vet Nurse 1: Okay, we have better get to work, y’all! [ snaps fingers ]
[ The vet nurses get out from behind the desk, carrying a clipboard ]
Vet Nurse 2: Alright. Let’s see here. Ms. Suitor? Ms. Suitor?
[ Ms. Suitor gets up from her chair to see them ]
Ms. Suitor: Yes, that’s me.
Vet Nurse 3: Now, you’re waitin’ on your pet turtle?
Ms. Suitor: Yes. Captain Whatnot.
Vet Nurse 1: Oh, your turtle’s so dang funny!
Ms. Suitor: Oh, he is the best.
Vet Nurse 3: Yeah, yesterday, he ate a piece of lettuce for like two hours. [ chuckles ]
Vet Nurse 2: That was so funny. Now, listen I’m gonna need you to fill out some forms here because your turtle is dead.
Ms. Suitor: Oh my God. Captain Whatnot is dead?
[ she takes a clipboard of forms ]
Vet Nurse 1: I’m so sorry. He died in the night. And doctor did everythin’ he could. We shot some pumps and stuff. He was on a machine for a little while. But then they had to turn that machine off.
Ms. Suitor: Wait but why did they turn it off?
Vet Nurse 2: Because they needed it for another turtle that was in worse shape than him.
Ms. Suitor: But my turtle died.
Vet Nurse 3: Yes, I do know. I’m so sorry. And if it makes you feel any better the other turtle did die as well.
Vet Nurse 2: Yes, we are beginning to think that we have something wrong with our turtle machine.
Vet Nurse 1: Okay, so we just need you to sign those papers.
Ms. Suitor: Okay but what are these papers for?
Vet Nurse 2: Basically just says that your turtle is dead and that you know that.
Vet Nurse 1: Right. So where it says “yeah, I know”, you just sign that.
Ms. Suitor: Okay, okay. Can I see my turtle?
Vet Nurse 1: Well dang, I wish you’d said somethin’ earlier ‘cus they already threw it away!
Ms. Suitor: What!?
Vet Nurse 2: Yeah. I guess you could just go out into the parking lot and scrounge around, see what you come up with.
Vet Nurse 3: We’re so sorry for your loss.
[ Ms. Suitor hands over the clipboard and rushes outside ]
Vet Nurse 1: Poor little thing.
Vet Nurse 2: Poor thing. Okay, now who is waiting on the bunny rabbit?
Anthony Denvers: [ rising from his chair ] Oh, uh, I was. That’s me.
Vet Nurse 1: Okay, so are you Anthony Denvers?
Anthony Denvers: Yes, I am.
Vet Nurse 3: And you’re waiting on your pet bunny rabbit, Tiffany Denvers?
Anthony Denvers: Yes, I am.
Vet Nurse 1: Well, Tiffany’s such a cute name! Good for you!
Vet Nurse 2: Yeah, it is.
Anthony Denvers: Thank you. I thought it up.
Vet Nurse 3: She has such cute floppy ears.
Anthony Denvers: She does. I almost named her floppy.
Vet Nurse 2: Aww, that is cute. As of 10am this morning she has been dead.
Anthony Denvers: What?! [ looks at his watch ] Wha- It’s almost four! I’ve been sitting here for six hours! I just brought her in to have her teeth cleaned!
Vet Nurse 1: Oh, we know but she had a reaction to the cleaning paste.
Vet Nurse 2: Yeah, but don’t you worry she went very peacefully after she screamed for about an hour.
Anthony Denvers: [ extremely upset ] My Tiffany…
Vet Nurse 1: I know. It’s very sad.
Vet Nurse 3: Tiffany just kept having more and more reactions to things.
Vet Nurse 1: And they were just all negative in nature.
Vet Nurse 2: Mm hmm. Now, I just need you to sign this form for us, please.
[ he hands Mr. Denvers the clipboard ]
Anthony Denvers: What is this?
Vet Nurse 1: Okay, that”s just a form that says your rabbit is dead and you know it.
Vet Nurse 2: Now, where it says “pet status”, I’m gonna need you to write the word “dead”.
Vet Nurse 1: And then just right next to that “dead” where it says “Do you know this?” You’re gonna fill in the bubble under the “yes”.
Anthony Denvers: Well, where is she now?
Vet Nurse 3: She is either on top of or below a dead turtle.
Anthony Denvers: Oooh, my Tiffany!
[ Mr. Denvers quickly leaves after handing back the clipboard ]
Vet Nurses: Thank you, sir. Thank you. Poor thing. Oh my God.
Vet Nurse 2: Okay, now who is waiting on a big horse?
Black Horse Owner: [ getting up from his seat ] Hi. I am.
Vet Nurse 3: Okay, well there is two. There’s a one’s a great, big black one. And the other is a smaller, chestnut one.
Vet Nurse 1: And the smaller one is dead.
[ a girl in the waiting room looks up from her magazine ]
Chesnut Horse Owner: Scott is dead?! Oh!
[ she runs out of the room crying ]
Vet Nurse 2: Wha… Well, she didn’t sign our form.
Vet Nurse 1: Yeah, I think you can do it online anyway.
Vet Nurse 2: Okay.
Black Horse Owner: So, my big, black horse is okay?
Vet Nurse 1: Okay well, hang on. Let me look at the notes. [ grabs the clipboard ] Okay it says “he is responding to the medicine and doin’ well” so…
Vet Nurse 2: That’s good but there is that big orange sticker that says “dead”.
Vet Nurse 1: Oh yes.
Vet Nurse 3: Well, which one do we go by?
Vet Nurse 1: Okay so the sticker always overrides the note, so he is dead.
Vet Nurse 3: He is dead. Okay, if it makes you feel any better he had a real peaceful look on his face right before he exploded.
Black Horse Owner: This is the worst animal hospital in town!
[ he storms out ]
Vet Nurse 2: Yes, we know that. Our Yelps are terrible.
Vet Nurse 3: Yeah, we got somethin’ like zero stars.
[ Mr. Denvers and Ms. Suitor walk in with their pets ]
Ms. Suitor: My turtle is alive!
Anthony Denvers: And so is my Tiffany!
Vet Nurse 1: Oh my gosh.
Vet Nurse 2: Well… call me a dead uncle’s monkey.
Vet Nurse 3: Just so you know, we do still have to cremate them.
Vet Nurse 1: That’s true, ‘cus you filled out the form.
Anthony Denvers: We’re getting out of here!
Vet Nurse 3: Okay but please do not Yelp about this.
Vet Nurse 1: Okay. you know what, let’s go on break. I am tired of havin’ people bitch about everythin’. Let’s just get on out of here.
Vet Nurse 2: Where y’all wanna go? You wanna hit that new potato bar?
Vet Nurse 3: Ooh! I could not say yes fast enough.
Vet Nurse 1: I am gettin’ a set potato and a vodka.
Vet Nurse 2: Oh, gurl…
[ the veterinary nurses all walk off-screen ]
[ fade ]
Submitted by: Sunnie S.
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 39: Episode 7
80’s Song
Veronica…..Vanessa Bayer
Girlfriend #1…..Noël Wells
Girlfriend #2…..Cecily Strong
Girlfriend #3…..Kate McKinnon
Girlfriend #4…..Nasim Pedrad
Girlfriend #5…..Aidy Bryant
Devon…..Josh Hutcherson
Friends…..Kenan Thompson, Taran Killam
Band Girls…..HAIM
[ open on suburban scene in the 1980’s, as five pastel-colored girls walk in front of a house ]
Girlfriend #1: Guys, I know I say this all the time, but I hope the 80’s never end!
Girlfriend #2: Me, too — I love my huge bangs!
Girlfriend #3: Shoot, that reminds me — I need to buy some leg warmers… and some skorts!
Girlfriend #4: And I need pleated jeans for my legs. Let’s hit the 80’s mall!
Veronica: You guys go ahead. I’m gonna check in with Josie — she wasn’t at school today.
Girlfriend #5: Okay, cool! Just text us when you’re done!
Veronica: [ confused ] Just “what” you…?
Girlfriend #5: I mean, uhh… pass me a note, in the mail or with a pigeon! Bye!
[ the girls run off, as Veronica steps onto the front porch and rings the doorbell ]
[ she holds the door open as Devon steps out ]
Veronica: Oh, hey! You must be Devon, Josie’s younger brother?
Devon: [ he shrugs ] Maybe I am.
Veronica: I’m Josie’s friend Veronica, I was in the neighborhood and I was wondering: Is Josie home?
Devon: [ lip- synching ]
“Josie’s on a vacation far away
Come around and talk it over!”
Veronica: Oh, that’s okay! I can come back. I mean, you’re a sophomore and I’m a senior; what would we even have to talk about?
Devon: [ lip- synching ]
“So many things that I want to say
You know I like my girls a little bit older!”
Veronica: [ impressed ] Devon! I don’t understand! What exactly are you saying?!
Devon: [ lip- synching ] “I just wanna use your love toni-i-ight!”
Veronica: Excuse me?!
[ two of Devon’s friends pop thir heads out of adjacent windows ]
Friends: [ lip-synching ] “I don’t wanna lose your love toni-i-ight!”
[ Friend #2 pounds two notes on a beat machine before they disappear back into the house ]
Veronica: Oh. So your friends are here, too. I’m sure you have TONS of friends.
Devon: [ lip- synching ] “I ain’t got many friends left to talk to.”
Veronica: Well, the truth is: You don’t need a lot of friends, just as long as you have a couple of real good ones.
Devon: [ lip- synching ] “Nowhere to run when I’m in trouble.”
Veronica: I get it. I wish there was someone there for me, too.
Devon: [ lip- synching ]
“You know I’d do anything for you
Stay the night but keep it undercover!”
Veronica: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Keep it undercover”? Okay, do you just want a piece on the down low? Uh-uh! That is NOT what I’m about, Devon, and I doubt that your sister Josie would approve of that attitude, either!
[ she starts to run off, but Devon grabs her hands ]
Devon: [ lip- synching ] “Try to stop my hands from shakin’…”
Veronica: Devon!
Devon: [ lip- synching ] “‘Cause somethin’ in my mind’s not makin’ sense…”
Veronica: Devon!
[ his friends pop their heads out of the windows with instruments ]
Devon: [ lip- synching ] “It’s been awhile since we were all alone…”
Veronica: Devon!
Devon: [ lip- synching ] “I can’t hide the way I’m feelin’.”
Veronica: You know what? I can’t hide the way I’m feeling, either. And I’m feeling very confused. I’m going now, and I’m leaving the door open.
[ she rushes down the walk ]
Devon: [ lip- synching ]
“As you’re leaving, please, would you close the door?
And don’t forget what I told you.”
Veronica: [ lip-synching with her friends ]
“Just ’cause you’re right, that don’t mean I’m wrong
Another shoulder to cry upon.”
[ she runs back up the walk to Devon ]
Devon: [ screechy ] “I just wanna use your love toni-i-i-i-ightttt!” [ he clears his throat ] I mean… [ lip-synching ]
“I just wanna use your love toni-i-ight, yeah!
I don’t wanna lose your love tonight! Yeah!”
Veronica: Oh, I love you, Devon! I’ve always loved you! But just so you know up front: I don’t do mouth-stuff.
Devon: [ lip- synching ]
“You know that I wish I had Jesse’s girl!
You know that I wish I had Jesse’s girl!
Where can I find a woman like that…?”
[ pull out, fade ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 39: Episode 7
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Air Date:Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:Cameos:Bit Players:
November 23rd 2013
Josh Hutcherson
HAIM
None
None
None Piers Morgan Tonight
Summary: Piers Morgan (Taran Killam) discusses George Zimmerman’s recent borderline criminal activity.
Recurring Characters: Piers Morgan, George Zimmer.
Montage
Josh Hutcherson’s Monologue
Summary: Josh Hutcherson endures the cast’s desire to pit him in their own version of “The Hunger Games”.
Transcript
Girlfriends Talk ShowSummary: Morgan (Aidy Bryant) acts nervous when Kyra (Cecily Strong) invites her secret crush Trevor Masterson (Josh Hutcherson) to co-host the show.
Recurring Characters: Kyra, Morgan.
Transcript
Office BossSummary: New company employee Craig (Josh Hutcherson) meets his boss Richard Patterson (Beck Bennett), who hs the intelligence of a man yet the body of a baby.
Transcript
Matchbox 3
Summary: Trio of subway performers (Kenan Thompson, Jay Pharoah, Josh Hutcherson) specialize in the art of performing limited dance moves in crowded subway cars.
Transcript
HAIM performs “The Wire”
Weekend Update with Seth Meyers & Cecily Strong
Summary: The Worst Lady on an Airplane (Aidy Bryant) offers tips on how to behave annoyingly during holiday plane trips.
Transcript
80’s SongSummary: Veronica (Vanessa Bayer) meets her friend’s brother Devon (Josh Hutcherson), which sparks a romantic conversation via the lip-synched lyrics of “Our Love” by The Outfield.
Transcript
Best Buy FiringSummary: When the manager (Josh Hutcherson) at Best Buy calls a meeting to announce employee layoffs, Niff (Bobby Moynihan) and Dana (Cecily Strong) assume they’re first in line on the chopping block and proceed to call out their co-workers for being a bunch of lame-asses.
Recurring Characters: Niff, Dana, Jessica McClure.
Transcript
Dancing
Summary:
HAIM performs “Don’t Save Me”
Animal HospitalSummary: Bored nurses (Josh Hutcherson, Kate McKinnon, Cecily Strong) at an animal hospital tell all the owners that their pets have died.
Transcript
Investigative ReportSummary: Investigative reporter Winston Sam Bass (Mike O’Brien) and his brothe Lance Sam Bass (Josh Hutcherson) ask bugs why they’re always running so fast.
Transcript
Thanksgiving Guest
Summary: Trey’s (Josh Hutcherson) family is surprised when he brings his live turkey girlfriend (Vanessa Bayer) home for Thanksgiving dinner.
Transcript
GoodnightsTranscript
Dress Rehearsal Cuts
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 39: Episode 6
]]>
Weekend Update with Seth Meyers & Cecily Strong
…..Seth Meyers
…..Cecily Strong
Mr. Senior…..Kenan Thompson
Salvation Army worker…..Aisy Bryant
Man…..Beck Bennett
Woman…..Noel Wells
Office Worker…..Nasim Pedrad
Jebidiah Atkinson…..Taran Killam
Announcer: “Weekend Update”, with Seth Meyers and Cecily Strong.
Seth Meyers: Good evening, I’m Seth Meyers!
Cecily Strong: I’m Cecily Strong!
Seth Meyers: And here are tonight’s top stories!
President Obama, on Thursday, admitted that there were flaws in the Affordable Care Act, saying: We did fumble the ball. And then the Republicans recovered it. And then we tried to chase after them and then our pants fell down.”
Speaker of the House John Boehner criticized President Obamas attempt to repair the Affordable Care Act, saying, There is no way to fix this. And statements like that are just one of the reasons Boehner is known as the Eeyore of Congress.
The woman who was featured on the HealthCare.gov homepage said this week that after the laws flawed launch, she became the victim of cyberbullying. But thats the risk you run when you choose to get into the glamorous, high-stakes world of stock photo modeling.
Cecily Strong: The Obama Administration revealed this week that only 26,000 people bought health insurance on the federal HealthCare.gov site in October. Which isnt that surprising, because Americans refuse to buy any kind of insurance without first seeing a funny commercial.
This week, we found out what happens when a Canadian finally stops being polite, and starts getting real.
Toronto Mayor Rob Ford, on Thursday, denied claims that he offered to give a female staff member oral sex, saying that he is happily married and quote got more than enough to eat at home. Though after that press conference, Im betting the kitchens closed.
Seth Meyers: Ford, this week, also signed limited-edition bobblehead dolls of himself outside City Hall. Interesting fact: Bobblehead is one of the side effects of smoking crack.
Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel, this week, criticized a ruling that the new World Trade Center was taller than his citys Willis Tower, saying that the Trade Centers 400-foot spire is just an antenna and should not count. Responded Mayor Bloomberg: “Hes just mad because Im taller than him.”
Cecily Strong: The official Rockefeller Christmas tree arrived this week. Here to comment, is our Common Sense correspondent making sense in a world gone mad: Mr. Senior.
Mr. Senior: Oh, good evening, Cess-uh-lee! What day is it?
Cecily Strong: Today is… Saturday, November 16th.
Mr. Senior: Oh, hmmm! Well, according to my calculations, that is a FULL 39 days… until Christmas! If MATH still means anything! Cess-uh-lee! Every year, this Christmas mess starts earlier and earlier! “Trick or treat!” “Merry Christmas!” It shouldn’t be that damn fast! There’s something in the middle! It’s called… Giving Thanks! Stop and smell stuffing. Every year, it’s sooner and sooner. It said on my TV: Holiday cups at Starbucks. Cess-uh-lee! It’s 60 degrees outside, and I already gotta decide which Black Christmas movie I want to see! Craftsman holiday… Black nativity. ENOUGH!!
Cecily Strong: Okay, so what should we do?
Mr. Senior: I’ll tell you what I did — I took matters into my own hands and filed this special report!
Cecily Strong: Okay. Let’s take a look.
[ cut to filmed report ]
Mr. Senior: Okay, it’s, uh… Mr. Senior. I’m here in New York, where folks are goin’ early Christmas crazy. [ through bullhorn ] Hey! Get on outta here now! Get! Go home! Come back in three weeks!
[ cut to base of Rockefeller Christmas tree ]
Mr. Senior: Attention! Attention, workers! Come down from this tree, this is much too early!
[ cut to Salvation Army worker ]
Salvation Army Worker: Merry Christmas! ‘Tis the season!
Mr. Senior: [ running up ] NO!! ENOUGH!! It is the middle of November! I’ll give you some money, but NEXT MONTH!! [ he grabs her bell and runs off ] Thanksgiving is first! Thanksgiving is first!
[ cut to Mr. Senior running up to a man wearing a Santa hat ]
Mr. Senior: [ pulling it off ] NO!!
Man: Whoa!
[ cut to Rockefeller skaing rink ]
Mr. Senior: You out here too soon! It’s too early!
[ cut to woman handing out candy canes to kids ]
Woman: Would you like a candy cane?
Kids: Thank you!
Mr. Senior: [ running up and grabbing the candy canes ] No! No! Not yet! Not yet! [ he stomps on the candy canes ]
[ cut to an office filled with Christmas decorations ]
Mr. Senior: Noooo!! Too soon! Too soooooon! Too soon, no! Now, put up a turkey or something! Give me the Santa Claus!
Office Worker: No!
Mr. Senior: Give me Santa!
Office Worker: No!
Mr. Senior: Oh, you tough, ain’t ya’?
[ cut to Mr. Santa running through the street with the decorations ]
Mr. Senior: Uh, excuse me! Sorry! [ to the camera ] Well, looks like some people still don’t understand! That’s too bad! This has been Mr. Senior… Happy Thanksgiving! [ Security officers grab him ] I’m out! Oh, I’m going to jail. I’m going to jail! Happy Thanksgiving!
[ return to the newsdesk ]
Cecily Strong: Mr. Senior!
Seth Meyers: A library in Chicago is now allowing patrons to look at porn on their computers as long as they show ID first. Said people who look at porn in the library: “No deal!”
Cecily Strong: A new restaurant has opened in New York City called Maid Café, in which the waitresses dress up like French maids and call diners master. Maid Café is the first restaurant to be created for the sole purpose of inspiring an episode of “SVU.”
A fire at a New York State factory that makes knishes has led to a nationwide shortage. Officials suspect knarson.
Seth Meyers: Researchers at Brigham Young University are studying ways to prevent urine splash back when men use the toilet. Hurry up! said men in khakis.
Scientists have discovered a clam that is 507 years old, making it the oldest animal ever discovered. The clam was spotted as it settled in to watch “NCIS.”
Cecily Strong: A Scottish man survived after he was attacked by a crocodile while playing golf in Mexico. This, according to a recent Mad Libs.
A school bus driver in Maine was suspended after she allegedly put Hello Kitty duct tape on students mouths. Although, the most disturbing part of this story is that Hello Kitty makes duct tape.
Seth Meyers: This week, a Pennsylvania newspaper printed a retraction of an opinion piece that ran in 1863, which panned Abraham Lincoln’s historic Gettysburg Address. Here now to comment: The author of that negative review, the Patriot & Union speech critic Jebidiah Atkinson.
Jebidiah Atkinson: [ sternly ] Thank you for having me, Seth!
Seth Meyers: So, uh, Jebidiah — you were actually underwhelmed by President Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address, calling it “silly” and saying that “history would soon forget it.”
Jebidiah Atkinson: Correct.
Seth Meyers: How do you feel about the newspaper’s retraction?
Jebidiah Atkinson: I stand by my words! They’re COWARDS, Seth! In fact, my first draft was much harsher, and I was told to tone it down!
Seth Meyers: Wow. So what was the first draft?
Jebidiah Atkinson: Would you like to hear it?
Seth Meyers: Sure.
Jebidiah Atkinson: It goes like such: [ reading ] “Four snores and seven yawns ago, this reviewer watched the President’s speech at Gettysburg and, let’s be honest, Abe, you dropped a real Lincoln log! You know what the real Gettysburg Address is? 1-1-5 West Boring Street! And then, there’s the venue: a field! Great acoustics! Sorry if I couldn’t hear you; I was in the second row!”
Seth Meyers: Wow! You didn’t like it at all!
Jebidiah Atkinson: I did NOT! What’s to like? “The world will little note nor long remember what we said here” — oof! With dialogue THAT clunky, I’m surprised he was shot by an actor! [ the audience groans ] Oh, was that too soon? Get over it, he’s on the 5!
Seth Meyers: You really didn’t like Lincoln?
Jebidiah Atkinson: Not at all! Too lanky, big nose, and don’t get me started on that beard; What was her name, Mary Todd?
Seth Meyers: Tell me — Have you reviewed any other speeches over the years?
Jebidiah Atkinson: [ excited ] I’ve reviewed ALL the speeches! And I’m NOT a fan!! Patrick Henry: “Give me liberty or give me death.” DEATH, please! [ he tosses his note card, which bounces off his face ] NEXT!! John F. Kennedy! I’ll tell you what you can do for my country: a-wrap it up! [ he tosses his note card ] NEXT!! Martin Luther King! Yuo have a dream? That’s great! I had a train to catch, and I missed it! [ he tosses his note cards over the desk ] Next! Jesus! The Sermon on the Mount: “Blessed are the meek?” More like, Blessed are the DEAF because they don’t have to listen to this big, great poem! And GREAT location, Jesus! The Mount? Any reason we had to climb half-an-hour to hear this?! Also, nice fan base! I’ve got a leper on one side of me, and a PROSTITUTE on the other! Oh, and Bravo on the food — There’s nothing like MOUNTAINTOP FISH on a HOT day!! [ he tosses his note cards ] NEXT! Oh… wait. I’ve got one on FDR’s Pearl Harbor speech, but I probably shouldn’t do it after the audience were such BITCHES about the John Wilkes Booth joke.
Seth Meyers: [ laughing ] Yeah, I wouldn’t do it!
Jebidiah Atkinson: I might do it! I’m GOING to do it!
Seth Meyers: Alright…
Jebidiah Atkinson: “You know what day will live in infamy? December 8th, 1941, when FDR gave a speech that was SO boring ASS!!” [ laughing ] I think I misquoted myself!
Seth Meyers: I’ve gotta say, that’s not your best written one!
Jebidiah Atkinson: That was a rough draft! I could have used a couple Kamikazees after that!
Seth Meyers: I think you were a Kamikazee!
Jebidiah Atkinson: I’m not, you know. It’s so hard being a critic, but I love it, Seth!
Seth Meyers: Yeah!
Jebidiah Atkinson: Yeah, it’s so much more fun than my last job.
Seth Meyers: What was your last job?
Jebidiah Atkinson: Failed speechwriter!
Seth Meyers: Jebidiah Atkinson, everyone! For “Weekend Update”, I’m Seth Meyers!
Cecily Strong: I’m Cecily Strong! Good night!
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 39: Episode 6
Goodnights
…..Lady Gaga
Lady Gaga: Hello! Thank you to R. Kelly, thank you to Lorne and the cast. I’m so happy to be here. My album “Art Pop” is out now, but first, we’re gonna go parrrrrrrrrr-tyyyyyy! Bye!