Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 5

13e: Kerry Washington / Eminem

Miss Universe Moscow 2013

Thomas Roberts…..Taran Killam
Co-Host…..Nasim Pedrad
Miss Moldova…..Vanessa Bayer
Miss Spain…..Cecily Strong
Miss Uganda…..Kerry Washington
Miss Switzerland…..Noël Wells
Miss Greenland…..Addy Bryant
Miss Bolivia…..Kate McKinnon

(Logo)

Announcer: And Now, Live from Moscow, it’s the 2013 Miss Universe Pageant!

(The hosts enter, in evening wear.)

Thomas Roberts: Hello, hello, I’m Thomas Roberts from MSNBC.

Co-Host: And I’m someone from the E-Network. Boy, there are so many wonderful, incredible, amazing women here tonight.

Thomas Roberts: There sure are, and then, there are the contestants.

(They laugh, extremely fake.)

Co-Host: I don’t even…

Thomas Roberts: I’m just reading from the prompter.

Co-Host: Okay. Of course, the big story tonight is the last minute inclusion of a few new countries to the pageant.

Thomas Roberts: Can the contestants from these less-developed nations handle the pressures of being on the world stage?

Co-Host: Speaking of which, here comes Miss Moldova now.

Thomas Roberts: Who is not supposed to be approaching us. Okay…

(Miss Modolva, wearing a tacky 70s-style shag dress, steals the Co-Host’s microphone)

Miss Moldova: Okay, First of all, I am so much proud to win contest!

Co-Host: (Trying to grab back microphone) Oh no, you haven’t won yet…

Miss Moldova: (Fighting her off) Okay…I want to thank food for being backstage, I want to thank Prison, for, uh, taking my husband and making him a shell of a man, and uh…

Co-Host: (Trying, again, to grab back the mic) Alright! Okay…

Miss Moldova: (Wrestling it back) Okay, and I want to say to my ten children at home: Go to Bed! I am kidding. Is 2 am in Moldova. Go to Factory! Hahahaha! Okay! (she hands back the mic and is played off.)

Co-Host: Hmm. Well…she’s a lot of misplaced enthusiasm.

Thomas Roberts: Indeed, and speaking of enthusiasm, it appears the talent portion of the show is about to begin with Miss Spain.

(Miss Spain enters and sings. About a line into her song, Miss Uganda wanders onstage, confused and angry.)

Miss Spain: (singing) Romanza….Romanza…Romanza is romance to me….

(Miss Uganda grabs the mike. The music stops.)

Miss Uganda: What is this? This is not right. Why is she? What are they? Who is he? How is she? When are we?

Thomas Roberts: (Rushing on, as Miss Spain backs off): Uh, Miss Uganda, it’s not your turn exactly-

Miss Uganda: (Emphatically) How are they? When is she? Who is what? Why is where? What is how?

Thomas Roberts: Okay, well, you have to wait your turn, you see because –

Miss Uganda: I get here on MY OWN. No one break bank for me. I keep Dress. I KEEP DRESS!

(She storms off as the cohost enters.)

Thomas Roberts: Okay, Miss Uganda, everyone. She is keeping the dress.

Co-Host: Well, these fringe countries are certainly making an impact.

Thomas Roberts: Which is odd, because I thought fringe was out of fashion!

(They laugh, hugely forced)

Co-Host: I laughed because I hate silence.

(Suddenly Miss Boliva, her nose covered in White Powder, lurches on and grabs the Host’s microphone.)

Miss Bolivia: (Twitchy and coked-up) Okay, here we go, Party! Yeah! Everyone say party for Miss Bolivia tonight! WOOOO!

Thomas Roberts: Miss Bolivia, Miss Bolivia you –

Miss Bolivia: Yes! I want to thank the snakes for no biting me! I want to thank the river for only taking three children. Go river! And, I want to thank a kidnapper, for he say I pretty! Okay!

Co-Host: Okay…

Miss Bolivia: And remember, like a tiger always say: Come into the Jungle, is fine. But is not fine, IS A TRAP!

(She gives the mic back and Passionately french-kisses the Co-Host. She walks off stage, giving the camera a thumbs-up.)

Co-Host: (Stunned) Wow! Wow, she has a really long tongue!

Thomas Roberts: Okay, Well here to get us back on track is a perennial finalist here at Miss Universe, Miss Switzerland.

(They exit. Miss Switzerland, a beautiful, demure blonde, enters to jazzy music.)

Miss Switzerland: My talent is my sit-up comedy! I have a joke I say: In Switzerland, we love cheese; unless you’re cutting it. Thank you!

(With a cry, Miss Greenland runs onstage and karate chops Miss Switzerland. She picks up the mic.)

Miss Greenland: I’m from North Greenland…

Thomas Roberts: (Running On) Okay, Miss Greenland, you can’t –

Miss Greenland: Now there are three of us up there and I am the woman!

Thomas Roberts: (As the Co-Host enters) Alright but we don’t-We do not the other contestants!

Miss Greenland: (ignoring him) My Talent is that I can fit my entire hand and arm in my mouth. (She attempts to shove her hand in her mouth, to the shock and disgust of the hosts)

Thomas Roberts: Please don’t do that.

Co-Host: No no no.

Miss Greenland: I need someone to bring me a hammer so I can break my jaw with it!

Co-Host: You know what, let’s take a quick break, and let’s have you stand near the Off part of the stage!

(Miss Greenland, still attempting to shove her hand in her mouth, is escorted off by two officials. Miss Moldova, holding food, reenters)

Thomas Roberts: Yes please. Thank you miss- (Noticing Miss Moldova) Oh, she’s-

Miss Moldova: Hey, Donkey back in Moldova! Look who has bagel and grapes! Now maybe I ride YOU to work!

Miss Uganda: (Wandering on again and grabbing the Co-Host’s Mike) Who is this? Why is she?

Thomas Roberts: Here we go again.

Miss Uganda: How are they? What is me? When are who?

Thomas Roberts: Alright, we’ll be right back.

(fade)

Submitted by: Ted Zoldan

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 5

13e: Kerry Washington / Eminem

Oval Office

President Barack Obama…..Jay Pharoah
Press Secretary…..Taran Killam
Michelle Obama…..Kerry Washington
Oprah Winfrey…..Kerry Washington
Matthew McConaugheys…..Bobby Moynihan, Beck Bennett, John Milhiser, Kyle Mooney, Mike O’Brien, Brooks Wheelan
…..Rev. Al Sharpton

[ open on exterior, White House — Night ]

[ dissolve to interior, Oval Office ]

President Barack Obama: Alright, now, uh… Give it to me straight.

Press Secretary: Well, Mr. President, uh… as your Press Secretary, I have to be honest: It has not been a good week. But, on the plus side, you have a state dinner tonight, and all of your biggest supporters are gonna be here.

[ Michelle Obama enters ]

Michelle Obama: Barack? I hope I’m not interrupting.

President Barack Obama: Uh, Michelle, uh… you’re never interrupting.

Press Secretary: Good to see you, Mrs. Obama. I’ll give you two a little privacy.

[ he exits ]

President Barack Obama: Michelle, it’s, uh… this is such a treat! I feel like, uhhh… I feel like it’s been YEARS since I’ve seen you!

Michelle Obama: It may feel that way — but I’m always here for you, and I always will be here for you.

[ Press Secretary re-enters ]

Press Secretary: I, um… I’m so sorry to interrupt. But Oprah Winfrey has arrived for the dinner, and she would LOVE to pop in and say Hello.

President Barack Obama: Well, then, that’s WONDERFUL!

Michelle Obama: What a nice surprise!

Press Secretary: Isn’t it? [ a beat ] So don’t you think you should… go and get changed? [ he chuckles embarrassedly ]

Michelle Obama: Why?

Press Secretary: So that… Oprah can come in?

[ it finally hits her ]

Michelle Obama: Oh. Because of the whole…?

Press Secretary: Yes, exactly! [ he laughs ]

Michelle Obama: And Kenan won’t…?

President Barack Obama: No.

Michelle Obama: Well… In that case, I will leave, and, in a few minutes, Oprah will be here!

Press Secretary: Thank you, Mrs. Obama! Thank you!

[ she exits ]

Announcer: [ over SUPER ] The producers at “Saturday Night Live” would like to apologize to Kerry Washington for the number of black women she will be asked to play tonight. We made these requests both because Ms. Washington is an actress of considerable range and talent and also because “SNL” does not currently have a black woman in the cast. As for the latter reason, we agree this is not an ideal situation and look forward to rectifying it in the near future… unless, of course, we fall in love with another white guy first.

[ suddenly, Oprah Winfrey rushes into the Oval Office ]

Oprah Winfrey: I’m HEEEEEEEERRRRRRREEEEEE!!

President Barack Obama: Oprah! I mean… It’s so good to see you! Uh, are you okay? You seem a little WINDED!

Oprah Winfrey: I ran here all the way from CHICAGOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

President Barack Obama: Well, uh… I’m so glad you did! So glad.

Press Secretary: Uh, Mr. President? Great news! Beyonce has just arrived for dinner, too!

President Barack Obama: Beyonce!

Oprah Winfrey: Don’t even!

Press Secretary: Um… She’d love to pop in and say Hello?

Oprah Winfrey: Is Jay-Z with her?

President Barack Obama: Uh… no! [ he shakes his head furiously ]

Oprah Winfrey: Okay. Well, then… I should get going!

Press Secretary: Ms. Winfrey!

[ she rushes out of the room ]

Press Secretary: Oh, man! Beyonce! That’s pretty cool.

President Barack Obama: Uhhh, yep! It’s cool.

Press Secretary: Oh! [ yelling toward the hall ] I hope she’s wearing that SPARKLY DRESS WITH ALL THE SEQUINS?!

Voice of Kerry Washington: She’s wearing a BATH ROBE!!!

Press Secretary: That’s good, too! That’s good, too. [ he checks his watch and tries to stall ] It’s such a nice office! [ he chuckles nervously ]

President Barack Obama: I mean, the BEST, huh? I don’t know why, uh, more offices aren’t oval.

Press Secretary: You know, I’ve thought that before!

President Barack Obama: So, uh… while we’re waiting, is, uh… is there anyone else out there?

Press Secretary: You know what? I’ll check. [ he runs toward the door ] Uhhhh, actually, uh… This is very, very exciting: There are SIX different Matthew McConaugheys!

[ he opens the door to let in the six Matthew McConaugheys ]

Matthew McConaugheys: Alright…! Alright…! Alright…! Alright…! Alright…!

President Barack Obama: Alright! I see this is gonna be a great party!

[ the camera pulls back, as Rev. Al Sharpton enters frame ]

Rev. Al Sharpton: Good evening, I’m the Rev. Al Sharpton! What have we learned from this sketch? As usual, NOTHING! “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 5

13e: Kerry Washington / Eminem

Kerry Washington’s Monologue

…..Kerry Washington
…..Bobby Moynihan
…..Vanessa Bayer
…..Kenan Thompson

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Kerry Washington!

Kerry Washington: Thank you, thank you, thank you so much! Thanks! It’s been GREAT to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live”. For the past few years, I’ve been starring in the show “Scandal”. [ the audience cheers ] Thank you! In which I play Olivia Pope, a Washington “fixer” who protects the reputations of the political elite. [ show still ] Here I am with Tony Goldwyn, who plays the President of the United States. and I am so proud to be on a show that, in 2013, has the courage to cast a white man as President. Anyway, it’s fun to play a strong, fearless woman, who’s not afraid to constantly drink red wine in a white pantsuit, and I —

[ Bobby Moynihan runs up to the stage ]

Bobby Moynihan: Olivia!

Kerry Washington: Hi, Bobby. It’s Kerry, actually. We talked about this.

Bobby Moynihan: Whatever! Listen, I need your help! The press has obtained some compromising photos of me in bed with my girlfriend.

Kerry Washington: That doesn’t sound too bad.

Bobby Moynihan: Well, she’s asleep, and I’m eating, like, a whole cookie cake.

Kerry Washington: Okay. That is bad. Here’s what you’re gonna do: Put your Social Security Number and a check in my dressing room, and I’ll take care of it.

Bobby Moynihan: Okay. How much will this cost me?

Kerry Washington: Whatever you think your reputation is worth, Moynihan!

Bobby Moynihan: [ he breathes a sigh of relief ] Oh! Okay, I can afford that!

[ he rushes off ]

Kerry Washington: It is SO great to be back here in New York. You know, I moved to L.A. for the show, so it’s really nice to —

[ Vanessa Bayer steps forward ]

Vanessa Bayer: Oh, yeah! New York! Cool! Um, hey — I heard that you fix problems?

Kerry Washington: Yeah, Vanessa, what’s going on?

Vanessa Bayer: Okay. Well, I was out last night, at “Da Club”, and, uh… I may have punched a bouncer.

Kerry Washington: Okay, you need to leave town immediately.

Vanessa Bayer: Because I hit a bouncer…?

Kerry Washington: No! Because you call it “Da Club”! I’ll have my team get your papers together, and you’ll be on the FIRST flight out TONIGHT!

Vanessa Bayer: But who will play Miley?

Kerry Washington: Haven’t you played Miley enough lately?

Vanessa Bayer: Fine. Bye.

[ she exits the stage ]

Kerry Washington: Where was I? Oh, right! Okay. So it’s cool to be here. I grew up watching the show —

[ a bloodied Kenan Thompson step forward ]

Kenan Thompson: Hey, Kerry, how you doing!

Kerry Washington: Hey… Kenan. [ she notices his shirt ] Oh. Do you need my help with something?

Kenan Thompson: No, no, no! I’m good. I was just, uh, checking to see how you were doing.

Kerry Washington: Are you sure? Because you look like you might be in trouble.

Kenan Thompson: Oh, yeahhhh, there was something… What was my problem? Oh, yeah, yeah! I can’t find my car keys.

Kerry Washington: Did you check your pocket?

Kenan Thompson: [ he pats his pocket ] Oh! There they are…! Wow, thanks, Kerry! [ he glances down at his shirt ] Oh, wow, I’m covered in blood…

[ he exits the stage ]

Kerry Washington: We’ve got a GREAT show for you tonight! Eminem is here, so stick around, and we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 5

13e: Kerry Washington / Eminem

Ice Cream

Clerk….Kyle Mooney
Man…..Beck Bennett
Woman…..Vanessa Bayer
Manager…..Taran Killam
Paramedics…..Kenan Thompson, Kate McKinnon, Noel Wells, Jay Pharoah

[ open on ice cream shop, as a couple walks up to the counter ]

Clerk: What can I get for you guys?

Woman: Can I have a scoop of vanilla and chocolate chip?

Man: And I’ll have a waffle cone with… cookies and cream annnnnnd… chocolate peanut butter. Oh — and we’re also gonna need, uh, two ambulances to wheel us out of here when we’re done!

[ she laughs with him ]

[ Clerk stares at them blankly ]

Man: Just because of all the sugar. You know? It’s just a joke.

[ Clerk stares blankly, as the scene morphs into what’s going through his mind: introspective scenery of walking along the riverbank and contemplating it all ]

Man V/O: Oh, we’re also gonna need two ambulances to wheel us out of here when we’re done! [ he laughs ] Just because of all the sugar… Of all the sugar… Of all the sugar…

[ scene morphs back into the ice cream shop ]

Man: Sorry, didn’t mean to, uh, give you too much to think about. Just the ice cream would be fine.

Clerk: Uhhh…

[ Clerk stares blankly, then the scene morphs to him perusing books at the library, performing math calculations, trying to digest as much information as he can ]

Man V/O: Sorry, didn’t mean to, uh, give you too much to think about. Just the ice cream would be fine. I’ll have a waffle cone with cookies and cream… and chocolate peanut butter. We’re also gonna need two ambulances to wheel us out of here when we’re done.

[ back at the ice cream shop, Clerk has an out-of-body experience and appears behind the couple ]

Man: It’s just a joke…

[ the Manager walks up ]

Manager: Is everything okay here, folks?

Man: Uh, no — not really. We just ordered some ice cream, and I joked about ordering so much ice cream that we might need a couple of ambulances to get us out of here. But it was just a joke!

Woman: Yeah!

[ the Manager also stares blankly, as the scene morphs into what’s going through his mind: seeking information at the library with the Clerk, then an out-of-body experience of his own ]

Man V/O: I joked about ordering so much ice cream, that we might need a couple of ambulances to get us out of here.

Manager V/O: Is everything alright here?

Man V/O: No, everything’s not okay. We just ordered some ice cream, and I joked about ordering so much ice cream that we might need a couple of ambulances… a couple of ambulances… a couple of ambulances… a couple of ambulances…

[ the Manager and Clerk test the ice cream for sugar intake, eventually going so far as to require assistance from paramedics, who burst into the ice cream shop in real-time to revive them, as the stunned couple watch ]

Paramedics: Hey, what the hell happened here?!

Man: Nothing! We were just ORDERING ice cream, and then I made a JOKE about needing tow ambulances to take us out of here!

[ the paramedics laugh, then turn sour ]

[ suddenly, the Manager chokes up his waffle cone and smiles ]

Manager: Oh, I get it!

[ the Man throws his arms up in defeat ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 5

13e: Kerry Washington / Eminem

Goodnights

…..Kerry Washington

Kerry Washington: Thanks to Eminem! The Rev. Al Sharpton! Rick Rubin! Skylar Grey! To Lorne Michaels: Thank you so much, this has been the MOST AMAZING WEEK! Thank you, everybody! The whole cast and crew, YOU ROOOOOOOOOOCCCKKK!!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 5

13e: Kerry Washington / Eminem

Cartoon Catchphrase

Melanie Griffish…..Kerry Washington
Diane…..Aidy Bryant
Gwen…..Vanessa Bayer
Vincent…..Mike O’Brien
Duane…..Taran Killam

[ open on Cartoon Network logo ]

Announcer: You’re watching Cartoon Network!

[ fade to game show set ]

Announcer: And now, it’s time for America’s FUNNEST game show: “Cartoon Catchphrase”!

Melanie Griffish: Hello, and welcome! I’m your host and fellow cartoon lover — Melanie Griffish! You know how this game works: We give you a atchphrase, and you tell us which character said it. But first, why don’t you Toonheads tell us about yourselves?

Diane: Hi there! My name is Diane, and I yam what I yam, and what I am is a small business owner!

Gwen: Hi! My name is Gwen, and what’s up, Doc? I’m a registered nurse! [ she laughs ]

Vincent: Hi, I’m Vincent, and Yabba Dabba Doooooooo! I’m a waiter at a steak restaurant!

Melanie Griffish: Alright, time for Round 1. And, remember: Yuo only get one Phone-a-Friend, so use it wisely. Diane, for 100 points: Which cute little bird saws “I tawt I taw a putty tat?”

Diane: Ohhhh, man… I was hoping to God I wouldn’t get this one… Um, I’m gonna have to use my Phone-a-Friend.

Melanie Griffish: Who would you like to call?

Diane: Uh… my wonderful husband Duane. He’ll know this one!

Melanie Griffish: Okay! Let’s get Duane on the line!

[ sound effect of phone ringing ]

Woman’s Voice: Hello?

Diane: Uh… oh, who is this? Who is in my home?

Woman’s Voice: This is Diamond.

Diane: Diamond? Oh, Duane… No, Duane! Ohhh, I leave for FOUR hours… Diamond, give the phone to Duane!

Woman’s Voice: Ummm… he’s not here. We finished, and then he left.

Diane: No, Duane, noooo!! Oh, man… he told me he and a couple of guy friends were seeing a matinee of that new “Hobbit” movie.

Melanie Griffish: That’s not out yet! Ten seconds on the clock, Diane!

Diane: Okay, Diamond, you damn hussy… I HATE that I need you, but I DO! Which cute little cartoon birdy says “I tawt I taw a putty tat?”

Woman’s Voice: Oh. Are you on that daytime cartoon game show? That’s sad.

[ buzzer sounds ]

Melanie Griffish: Ohhhhhhhh, ROUGH round for Diane!

Diane: Uh… yeah!

Melanie Griffish: The answer was “Tweety Bird.” But, Diane, let’s give you one point, anyway! Is that okay, guys?

Gwen: Of course!

Diane: Thanks, everybody, that means a lot.

Melanie Griffish: Moving on now to our second Animaniac… Gwen, your question is: What silly fat cat says “Thuffering Thuccotash?”

Gwen: Um… my gut says Tweety Bird, but… that was the answer to the last one. so, I’m gonna use my Phone-a-Friend. I’d like to call my sister Pam!

Melanie Griffish: Wow… You guys are burning right through these Phone-A-Friends. Let’s get Pam on the line!

[ sound effect of phone ringing ]

Duane’s Voice: Hello? What’s up? Pam’s phone.

Gwen: Um… who is this? I… don’t know who this is…

Diane: Oh, my good God! Is this Duane?!

Duane’s Voice: Oh, hell…

Diane: Duane! What is this day of yours?! Are you just going door-to-door and ass-to-ass?!

Gwen: Um… excuse me, Sir. Where is my sister Pam?

Duane’s Voice: Oh, uh… she’s, uh, laying down. She needed a break.

Diane: Ohhh, myyyy Godddd…!!

Gwen: Okay, Duane… Do you know which silly fat cat says “Thuffering Thuccotash?”

Diane: Okay, DON’T answer that, Duane!

Duane’s Voice: It’s Sylvester.

[ ding! ]

Diane: Dammit!!

Melanie Griffish: Great! Great job! That’s 100 points for Gwen! And, just a reminder: Today’s winner will receive an all-expenses paid 4-day, 4-night trip to Hawaii!

Diane: Okay, but if I go by myself, can I go for twice as long?

Melanie Griffish: No!

Diane: Well… then, can I get twice the meals and activities?

Melanie Griffish: Sure! Alright, it’s time for Contestant 3 — Vincent! Which grumpy little curmudgeon says “Be vewy vewy quiet, I’m hunting wabbits?”

Vincent: Oh, I know! I’m gonna Phone-a-Friend!

Melanie Griffish: [ stunned ] You know these questions get harder, right?

Vincent: I’m still gonna do it. I know he’s at work, but I’m gonna call my buddy Richard.

[ sound effect of phone ringing ]

Richard’s Voice: Thank you for calling Rite-Aid, this is Richard.

Vincent: Hey, it’s Vincent! I have a question —

Richard’s Voice: Whoa, whoa, whoa… Hold on, I have a customer.

Duane’s Voice: Heyy, I’d like to buy a hundred extra-small condoms.

Diane: Oh, my God! It’s G.D. Duane!!

Duane’s Voice: Damn…

Diane: Duane! We do NOT have enough money for all these condoms!

Melanie Griffish: Diane, please go back to your podium!

Diane: Okay, Melanie! Can you give me one second?! I’m having a RAW-ASS time with my husband! Duane! HOW are you getting around SO fast?! Is it that DAMN scooter I bought ya’?

[ buzzer sounds ]

Melanie Griffish: Alright! That’s the end of Round 1. So far Gwen is winning, and Diane is losing in every way!

Diane: Okay… please do not cut to me any more…

Melanie Griffish: And now it’s time for a quick commercial, while I… “take care” of something!

[ Duane ambles in with his large Rite-Aid bag ]

Duane: Hey, you ready to go, baby?

Melanie Griffish: Yeah, but I only have three minutes.

Duane: That’s okay, I only need one!

Diane: Ohhhh, Dwayyyyyyyyyne…!! Duane, aren’t you tired?! Why did you marry me yesterday?!

[ cartoon music flares up, as the screen irises out on Diane with the show logo ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 5

13e: Kerry Washington / Eminem

Fall Carnival

Teacher…..Vanessa Bayer
Principal Frye…..Jay Pharoah
Miss Terry…..Kerry Washington
Steve Kane…..Kenan Thompson

[ open on Fall Carnival setting ]

Teacher: Thank you to everyone for making our Booker T. Washington High Fall Carnival such a success! We’ve raised over $400, to be split between the PTA and the winner of the Students Choice charity: Bail for Chris Brown. And now… here’s Principal Frye.

[ she steps aside, as Principal Frye steps forward ]

Principal Frye: [ blowing into microphone and clicking his teeth ] Attention teachers and students… It has come to my attention… that several of y’all have stolen the Whack-a-Mole mallets! And have taken it upon yourselves to chase homeless people off the property! Students, it’s called Whack-a-MOLE, not Whack-a-BUM! Also: One of y’all has taken off all your clothes, and is currently parading around in a cotton candy thong! I hope that’s cotton candy! Otherwise, you need to go see a d-d-d-d-d-doctor or something! Thank you, teachers and students!

[ he steps aside, as Teacher reappears ]

Teacher: And here is the first year teacher who volunteered to be in the Dunk Tank — Miss Terry!

[ she steps aside, as Miss Terry steps forward ]

Miss Terry: Hey, guys! What a great carnival! I didn’t know that three dogs in the back of an SUV could be considered a petting zoo! Now, I know I failed most of you’s on your midterms, and I called your parents, but I really think it’s gonna help you in the long run. So, let’s have fun! I’m gonna be right over there in the Dunk Tank, I hope some of you will — Oh, look! There’s already a line forming! I’ve been practicing my insults to inspire you: “You’re a stinky botom!” [ she laughs ] J.K.! Alright, see you all over there!

[ she steps aside, as Teacher reappears ]

Teacher: Thank you, Miss Terry. and now, we would like to — [ Principal Frye reappears ] Oh!

Principal Frye: [ blowing into microphone and clicking his teeth ] Attention teachers and students… Several of y’all have been caught fornicating in the funhouse! Unfortunately, there are so many mirrors in there, I can’t tell if there’s two of y’all or a full-on ORGY! Our beloved school secretatry, Miss Janice, who lived through the 70’s, was STILL hocked by this sordid display and fainted on sight! Also: There’s a possum posing as a Churro’s vendor… so if you’re looking for a snack, I would suggest a f-f-f-f-f-funnel cake! Thank you, teachers and students!

[ he steps aside, as Teacher reappears ]

Teacher: Thank you, Principal Frye!

[ suddenly, a loud splash is heard off-screen ]

Teacher: Oh, um… I think Miss Terry wants to have a word with some of you.

[ a soaking wet Miss Terry stomps forward ]

Miss Terry: You animals! You’re only supposed to throw ONE ball at a time! And you’re only supposed to throw soft balls, not BASKETBALLS! Not Snapple bottles! Not a freakin’ plugged-in computer printer! One of youse even turned on a HOSE! On a BLACK lady! Know your history! You little ass baskets! That water was DISGUSTING! It’s full of tadpoles and mosquito larvae! I think it’s the same water from last year. You know what? I’m going back to teaching Catholic school in Long Island! [ she screams as she’s pelted with garbage ]

[ Coach Steve Kane steps forward ]

Steve Kane: HEY!! STOP THROWING STUFF!! AND SHUT UP! SHUT THE HELL UP!! This sad, wet little clown lady is up here makin’ a FOOL of herself for YOU! For YOU! Somebody TRICKED this poor lady into volunteering for the Dunk Tank for YOU! For YOU-OU-OU! Maybe we should have done this in MY neighborhood, where everyone’s idea of a carnival is a PLAYGROUND with a hundred black people standing around watching one person do PULL-UPS! And guess what? Somebody always gets stabbed! That sound nice? Huh?! Well, then, SHUT THE HELL UP and play some WHACK-A-MOLE!!

[ he starts to step away, as Principal Frye suddenly pops up from below frame ]

Principal Frye: Attention teachers and students!! Somebody has put a Nerf Shark in the apple-bobbing barrel! Students, these are normally docile animals, but one of you jive-time Tom turkeys put a can of Red Bull in there! And now the shark is behaving very aggressively, and seems eager to check things off his To-Do List! So let’s please, please do not go bobbing for apples if you value the lips on your face! Also: There’s a dirty diaper in the ball pit. Somebody gonna catch Hepatitis up in here! Attention! Attention, students…!

[ he runs toward the camera; fade ]

SNL Transcripts