Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 6

12f: Louis C.K. / fun.

Press Conference

Mayor Michael Bloomberg…..Fred Armisen
Lydia Callis…..Cecily Strong
Gov. Chris Christie…..Bobby Moynihan
Roxie Fuchinelli…..Nasim Pedrad

Announcer: And now, a message from New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg.

[ as Bloomberg speaks, his translator makes many wild hand singals ]

Mayor Bloomberg: Thank you. Good evening and welcome, everyone. It’s now been six days since Hurricane Sandy first hit our city. And while we’re not out of the woods yet, I’m happy to report the power is back on for 70% of New Yorkers. With the rest on schedule to return in the beginning of next week. This has been an incredible citywide team effort. I wanna take a moment to thank our City First respondants: Firemen… Police officers… Emergency medical techicians. I’d also like to thank my staff — with a special thanks to my sign language translator, Lydia Callis, who brought some pizzazz to what otherwise has been a dour occasion. Thank you, Lydia, for your pizzaz.

I also wanna thank President Obama [ Lydia makes big ears signal ] for his fast and efficient assistance in our time of need. While also reminding him we do not want him to come here. Your motorcade causes traffic headaches. I endorse you for President, but if you come here I will have you arrested.

Now it’s also the time to congratulate our city for the preventative measures we took that limited damages of the hurricane. Measures such as the ban on large sugary sodas. If that had not been in place, we would have seen many obese New Yorkers float away hopelessly down the Hudson River.

I turn it over now to New Jersey Governor Chris Christie.

[ Governor Christie and his street-wise intepretor enter ]

Governor Chris Christie: Hello! Hello! Enough! Hello, I’m the Governor, Chris Christie, this is my interpreter, Roxie Fuchinelli! Things are bad, okay? They’re bad. But we’re New Jersey, all right?, we’re gonna be fine. We don’t get sad in New Jersey, we get even! So sleep with one eye open, Sandy! Also, to the mayor of Atlantic City, Lorenzo Langford, who refused to evacuate: You are a silly, stupid son of a bitch! You disobey me? You disobey one of my orders? Well, screw you, screw your city, and screw all the people that listen to you!I’m gonna come rescue you and then I’m gonna beat you to death! Because that’s the Jersey way! Also I would like to give a sincere thanks to President Obama for how he handled the situation. On Election Day, I’m voting for Mitt Romney, but if I had to pick one guy to have my back in a crisis, it would be Barack Obama. He’s been amazing! So kind, such a leader a true inspiration. Again, I’ll be a good soldier. I will vote for Romney, but I’m gonna hate it! Do you hear me? I will hate it! And one final note. To the New Jersey residents who are going through the phone book and making threatening phone calls to people named Sandy: Cut it out! You’re being idiots! All right, be safe.

Mayor Bloomberg: I’d like to close with a message to our Spanish speakers: [ in horrible spanish and sometimes mispronouncing words ] En los próximos días las personas blancas en New York estarán “irritables” y de mal humor. No tienen internet, no tienen Facebook. “El” no tiene seamless web. Su cable no está funcionando. No hay HBO. No hay Showtime. Ellos no pueden ver Homeland. Los blancos “amor” Homeland. Asi que les pido a todos los Hispanos ser paciente por favor con los blancos. “Desaparecidos” Homeland es lo peor “cosas” que ha pasado a ellos.

In closing, I know these are trying times, but I beg all New Yorkers: Please resist the urge to seek comfort in trans fats. And “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

Sumbitted by: Raul

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 6

12f: Louis C.K. / fun.

Louis C.K.’s Monologue

…..Louis C.K.

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Louis C.K.!

Louis C.K.: Thank you! [ he grabs a microphone handed to him ] Thank you. Thank you very much. [ into the microphone ] Thank you very much, you guys! Uh — great to be here! We’re in New York, uh, there was a hurricane, but we are still here. The city’s standing… [ the audience cheers ] A city that can really take a punch, and, uh… today they turned the power back on, which is great because, uh, now we can go back to using wayyyyy too much electricity, like INSAAAAANE amounts of eletricity! We went from ZERO electricity… to a CRIMINAL amount of electricity! Like, last night, everybody had a candle, like… [ posing ] “E-ben-e-zerrr!” And today, I had, like, FIVE hair dryers going — WHOO-OO-OO!! I turned on the heat AND theair conditioning and, like, let them FIGHT in the apartment.

I, uh — I was stuck at the airport, because of this mess. I was in the airport, and this old lady fell down. [ an audience member chuckles ] Okay, that’s funny. Fine. She’s dead — I hope you’re okay with that. Just kidding! She’s not. Well, she might be dead. Anybody who I’m not looking at might dead. But, anyway — this old lady, she falls down and she’s like, “Arrgggghh!!” and she just falls. And — you know when old ladies fall, and all of a sudden, they’re like… inappropriate? You’re like, “Euugh!” all of a sudden, I have a working knowledge of lingerie in the ’20’s. So she falls down, and me and all these people are: “Whoaaa!!” There’s always one second, when an old lady falls down, where no one’s helping her yet. There’s like a little hestitation where we’re all looking at each other. It’s like a game of Decency Chicken, where you’re not sure it has to be you. You’re kind of hoping you can go, “Ohhhhhh…. good job, buddy! Alright, he got her!”

Anyway, I lost this particular game. I was, like, “Ohhhhhhhh… seriously? Oh, my God…” So here, I had to pick up an old lasdy who I don’t know… I’m stretching her sweater, she’s like, “Aggghhhh!” I’m like, “Come on, lock ’em up! What, are you a baby deer? Just STAND! You were standing eight seconds ago! Don’t pretend you never did it! I’m not a physical therapist, I’m a stranger. Just get up!” Finally, I got her up… and she looks at me and she goes, “I don’t know where to go!” Oh, come on! That’s not fair! I thought I was helping an old lady; now, I HAVE an old lady! This now MY old lady that I HAVE in my life. So — and she’s WORTHLESS! She just hands me over stuff: “I don’t know how to do it!” She has a passport with a blac-and-white picture and, like, a different alphabet on it. An itinerary of onion-skin paper from some travel agency in a village somewhere. I’m, like, “How do you not know how to get around? You’ve probably been a refugee, like, eight times in your life already. You were on a muddy road with all stuff in a cart, people throwing rocks at you. Some kid with a big, Jewey hat next to you! I don’t know! Why can’t you navigate Terminal 8 at JFK?” Okay, so I have to help her; I’ve already been kind, I can’t switch. So… I’m, like, “Let’s go!” She’s moving at a… negative speed. Like she’s sucking space into her body, instead of moving through it. And she’s telling me all her stuff: “My husband DIED! I used to travel with him, but then he DIED! So I don’t know.” I’m, like, “Oh. Well, maybe you should have educated yourself while he was alive. That would have been really useful today. Maybe if you fed him less pork, I don’t know. Maybe some of this is your fault, lady… and none of it’s mine.”

Anyway, we sat there at her gate, for, like, two hours… and she, uh… she said a bunch of stuff that changed my life and I’ll never forget her, but… That’s the boring part! You don’t need to hear that! “Oh, yeah… I thought I giving to her, she gave back tenfold and all, she’s precious forever and ever to me…” But she really was amazing. Like, I got her on the plane, and, right before she got on, she turned around amd she stuck her old gypsy finger in my face, and she said, “I shall NEVER forget you!” And I was crying! It was intense! I love old ladies! I really do! I connect with old ladies. Because they don’t care! They say whatever! The filter comes off around 72. 8-year old boys and old ladies have the same sense of propriety. Because old ladies are on the way out. They’re like a guy who just got fired, and he’s leaving the office with his box for the last time: “You’re fat!” “Never liked you!” They just say whatever. And old ladies talk to you in the middle of just — I’m walking through a supermarket, and there’s always an old lady, like, “This is ridiculous!” I’m like, “I know! Don’t buy it!” I connect with old ladies! They’re my favorite demographic of person. I wish that I desired them… sexually. I really do wish that I could get a boner from an old lady! Because, then I’d be SET! I could find an old lady, and spend the rest of her life with her…

We’ve got a great show, folks! Fun is here. So stick around, and we will be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 6

12f: Louis C.K. / fun.

Lincoln

Abraham Lincoln…..Louis C.K.
Freedman Jones…..Kenan Thompson
Mary Todd Lincoln…..Aidy Bryant
Freedman Jenkins…..Jay Pharoah

[ open on Freedman Jones sitting in a tavern, as Abraham Lincoln enters and sits next to him ]

Abraham Lincoln: [ to the bartender ] Can I get a coffee?

[ the bartender hands Lincoln a coffee in a pewter mug ]

Abraham Lincoln: Thank you. [ glancing at Jones ] Hey.

Freedman Jones: [ disinterested ] Mmm-hmm.

Abraham Lincoln: How’s it going? You going — it’s going good, huh?

Freedman Jones: I’m sorry?

Abraham Lincoln: It’s just, uh… you know, you’re all emancipated. It’s good, right? I’m, uh…

Freedman Jones: I know who you are.

Abraham Lincoln: Oh? Okay. Oh. I just…

Freedman Jones: [ standing ] Hey! Everybody? Hey! I just want to thank —

Abraham Lincoln: No, no…

Freedman Jones: President Lincoln here for, uh… for everything that he’s done for me! Especially my NEW job — of shoveling HORSE SHIT… into a wagon!

[ Lincoln appears stung ]

Freedman Jones: [ sitting ] Is that what you want?

Abraham Lincoln: I-I just don’t… I don’t have any…

Freedman Jones: You don’t have any…?

Abraham Lincoln: Black friends.

Freedman Jones: [ to the bartender, as he stands to leave ] He’s gonna pay for this. [ to Lincoln ] Hard to be you!

[ cut to “Lincoln” theme song, “Louie, Louie, Louie…” lyrics replaced with “Lincoln, Lincoln, Lincoln…” ]

[ Lincoln runs up a subway platform ]

[ SUPER: “LINCOLN” ]

[ Lincoln runs into a calzone shop ]

[ SUPER: “STARRING ABRAHAM LINCOLN” ]

[ as he eats his calzone, a passerby gives Lincoln the middle finger ]

[ SUPER: “EDITED BY ABRAHAM LINCOLN” ]

[ Lincoln heads into the Comedy Cellar ]

[ SUPER: “TELEPLAY BY ABRAHAM LINCOLN” ]

[ cut to Lincoln performing a stand-up routine ]

Abraham Lincoln: The one thing I’m really tired of… is… arguing with slave owners about slavery. As if they’re not just fucking assholes! Like that’s realllly hard. And they’re like, “Oh! But I like owning people!” “Yeah, no, no… I get it. I totally get that.” Like you gotta act like you’re kinda cool with it. “No, look — if I could own a couple of dudes, I’d LOVE to own a couple of dudes! I totally get it.” You gotta act like this is… like a 50-50 issue. You know, I just kinda think… that owning a person… is NOT cool, you stupid dick!

[ cut to Lincoln at home with Mary Todd ]

Mary Todd Lincoln: Do you have the tickets?

Abraham Lincoln: Yeah, I have the tickets.

Mary Todd Lincoln: Okay. Well, don’t just “Yeah, I have the tickets.” Like, I don;t wnt to show up and then not have the tickets.

Abraham Lincoln: I HAVE them! I mean, they’re gonna let us in. It’s fine.

Mary Todd Lincoln: Okay. Well… I’m just saying, I don’t want to get there, and then they just won’t let us in without a ticket…

Abraham Lincoln: They’ll let us in! They’ll let us in! I’m the PRESIDENT!

Mary Todd Lincoln: Oh. Okay. So, then, they’ll just give you special treatment because you’re “The President”. Like, when does it stop, you know?

Abraham Lincoln: It stops AT the President! Okay? If you’re the President — or higher — you get in stuff, tickets or not! Everybody else, no; me, yes!

[ cut to Lincoln performing a stand-up routine ]

Abraham Lincoln: I’m married now. My wife is, uh… is crazy. Literally… historically insane. One thing I’m really sure of… is that somebody’s gonna murder me. I just KNOW… I’m totally getting murdered! This is not even a question. Like when they murder me — whoever murders me — when I get murdered… it’s just gonna say: “It Happened!” And you’re just gonna know what “It” is. And then, I don’t… you know who I feel bad for? The detective who has to try to solve my murder. Because they’re gonna go, “Let’s see, who might… who might have done it? Oh, I don’t know — everybody from the middle of the country down? Maybe they… maybe one of them did it.” Maybe they had a motive, like I ruined the way they do EVERYTHING?

[ fade to black ]

[ SUPER: “CREATED BY ABRAHAM LINCOLN” ]

[ return to Lincoln sitting in the tavern, this time with JP ]

[ SUPER:
“GUEST STARRING
MARY TODD LINCOLN
FREEDMAN JONES
FREEDMAN JENKINS” ]

Abraham Lincoln: Hey, uh… it’s cold, huh?

[ SUPER:
“Unit Production Manager
U.S. GRANT

First Assistant Director
HANNIBAL HAMLIN

Second Assistant
ANDREW JOHNSON” ]

Abraham Lincoln: Lordy…

Freedman Jenkins: Hey, so no one’s SHOT you yet?

[ SUPER:
“Original Music by
THOMAS “TAD” LINCOLN” ]

Abraham Lincoln: [ stung ] No. no, not yet.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 6

12f: Louis C.K. / fun.

Last Call

Bartender…..Kenan Thompson
Sheila Sovage…..Kate McKinnon
Dan Pants…..Louis C.K.

[ open on exterior, Donnelly’s ]

[ dissolve to interior, bar, closing time ]

Bartender: Okay, last call, people! Looks like you two struck out! Want to just go ahead and close up your tabs, and put your toys away?

Sheila Sovage: If it’s still within my rights as a patron, I’d like one more bellini. I mean, what do I have to prooze, right? [ she laughs ]

Dan Pants: I’ll have another Tequila and egg whites…

Bartender: Great.

Dan Pants: [ to Sheila ] Hey, can I, uh… can I scoot over, or are you saving this… seat?

Sheila Sovage: You know, there was a husky Italian sitting there, who recently got up to vomit.

Dan Pants: Well, I already vomited, so…

Sheila Sovage: Okay. [ she signals him over as their drinks arrives ] Heya, Closing Act! And you are…?

Dan Pants: Dan Pants. What’s your name?

Sheila Sovage: Oh, me? I’m Sheila Sovage.

Dan Pants: Well, Seila Shovage, let me ask you —

Sheila Sovage: Yeah?

Dan Pants: Where are you from?

Sheila Sovage: Oh, me? I’m born in Guam, raised in Annapolis.

Dan Pants: No way!

Sheila Sovage: Yeah!

Dan Pants: There is no way!

Sheila Sovage: Well, I know! Where are you from?

Dan Pants: Because I’m from Northern California!

Sheila Sovage: NO!! [ she slaps the counter ]

Dan Pants: YES!! [ he slaps the counter ]

Sheila Sovage: NO!! [ she slaps the counter ]

Dan Pants: YES!! [ he slaps the counter ] Okay, this is FREAKY! This is so FREAKY!

Sheila Sovage: Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Dan Pants: Because, let me ask you this…

Sheila Sovage: Yeah?

Dan Pants: What did you have for lunch today? But, together, at the same time. Baby food!

Sheila Sovage: Candy corn! What is happening?! What?!

[ the Bartender is stunned ]

Dan Pants: This is…

Sheila Sovage: So, uh… so what is, uh… whoo! What is it that you do professionally, Dan Pants?

Dan Pants: I am an exotic… animal… coroner!

Sheila Sovage: You say it ain’t so!

Dan Pants: Why, what is your trade?

Sheila Sovage: Uh, I don’t work — I’m awaiting trial.

Dan Pants: Wow! Wow! It’s like you’re seeing things… and then… but, what I’m hearing… is she’s a woman and she has breasts and stuff!

Sheila Sovage: Hey, not me! I’m hearing my own voice saying, “I don’t care what he looks like, I have MASSIVE needs!”

Bartender: Hey! You… you know what I need? To get about four hours of sleep before my baby wakes up. So why don’t you guys just drink up, and go do it?

Dan Pants: Sounds like the Lightning Round has passed! Okay?

Sheila Sovage: What have you got?

Dan Pants: What religion are you?

Sheila Sovage: I’m a former Presybyterian minister.

Dan Pants: No way! Because I’m a WICCAN!!

Sheila Sovage: No!

Dan Pants: We’ve got SOMETHING…. this is such, uh… [ he points at her crotch ] This is CRAZY!!

Sheila Sovage: Oh, you are… you are doing stuff, Buster… and you are… looking ways…

Dan Pants: You are being here… and having limbs, all of them…

Sheila Sovage: Hey, can I say something from the heart, Dan Pants? You are so… the only man left here, Dan! And I LOVE that!

Dan Pants: And, all night, I’ve been over there. Remember? When I kept looking at you, and I was, like… “Eh…” But, now? Now, it’s like… “Her…? Okay.” It’s like, you know…?

Sheila Sovage: Yeah, you know what? This is where we dive deep, man! This is — there’s no turning back now. [ she puckers up ]

Dan Pants: May I kiss… my mouth upon your particular mouth… part of your face?

Sheila Sovage: Red Rover, Red Rover… you send that mouth right over!

[ they proceed to kiss and lick all over one another’s faces, much to the extreme horror of the Bartender ]

Dan Pants: Wow. That, uh… that was unworkable.

Sheila Sovage: Yeah. I give it two vaginas down. [ she points her thumbs down ]

Dan Pants: Boy, I guess that’s that…

Sheila Sovage: Yep.

Dan Pants: We just have to do it Adam and Eve style without kissing!

Sheila Sovage: Yep.

Dan Pants: We;’ll go to your place to seal the deal. Let’s go.

Sheila Sovage: No, no… I am between places right now. We’re gonna have to go to your place.

Dan Pants: There is no such place.

Sheila Sovage: Okay. Then we will search until we find a spot or a nook with the least amount of broken glass, my friend.

Dan Pants: Great! Just hoist yourself upon my hips like a sack of groceries… and then we will leave this particular…

[ she jumps in his arms as he carries her out the door ]

Sheila Sovage: [ to the Bartender ] Thank you!

[ once outside, they press themselves against the bar’s window and proceed to get busy, as the Bartender runs over and sprray paints the glass to cover the view ]

Bartender: Hey, I don’t want to KNOW how that pans out!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 6

12f: Louis C.K. / fun.

Hotel Fees

Clerk…..Louis C.K.
Businessman…..Bobby Moynihan
Thief…..Fred Armisen

[ open on interior, front desk, Hotel 55 ]

Clerk: Yes, Sir. Can I help you?

Businessman: Uh, I’m checking out of Room 809, please.

Clerk: Yes, Sir. Was everything satisfactory?

Businessman: Uhhh… yeah. Look, I’m sorry — I’m in a hurry, I’m running late for a flight, so… if w could just speed this up?

Clerk: Yes, Sir. Was everything satisfactory? And I just need to review your accounts and then have you sign the incidentals.

Businessman: That’s fine.

Clerk: One night at ou standard rate: $119.

Businessman: Yes.

Clerk: State tax comes to $9.52.

Businessman: Okay.

Clerk: Facility fee: $15.

Businessman: It’s fine. I don’t care! I just need to get to tge airport, so if you could just put it on the credit card that you have on file…

Clerk: We don’t want to overcharge you, Sir. Three-minute phone call: $4.22.

Businessman: Okay. Sounds right.

Clerk: One dinner buffet billed to the room: $15.

Businessman: Sure!

Clerk: One glass of wine with the buffet: $9.

Businessman: okay, this all sounds fine, but I REALLY have to go, I have a cab waiting!

Clerk: Only a few more charges to review. One night of Internet access: $7.95. Six diamonds: $75,000. Daily newspaper: $1.50…

Businessman: I’m sorry — what did you say about diamonds?

Clerk: Six pristine Bengali diamonds, Sir hand-delivered on a pillow of the finest Oriental silk: $75,000. Newspaper: $1.50…

Businessman: Okay, I-I… I didn’t order six diamonds.

Clerk: Then, I’ll remove the charge, Sir. This is why it’s very important to review the bill.

Businessman: Thank you.

Clerk: Okay. Booking fee: $12.

Businessman: Yes.

Clerk: Occupancy tax: $1.

Businessman: Okay.

Clerk: Safe fee: $3.

Businessman: Weird, but… sure. Look, I’m sorry — I REAL have to go!

Clerk: Did you have Room Service for breakfast?

Businessman: Yeah, I… I had the Sunshine Combo?

Clerk: The Sunshine Combo. Half a grapefruit, two eggs…

Businessman: The Combo, yes.

Clerk: …A breafast meat, your choice of coffee or orange juice…

Businessman: Yes! The Combo!

Clerk: …Hash brown potatoes…

Businessman: Yes!

Clerk: $9.95, Sir.

Businessman: That’s great.

Clerk: A toothbrush…

Businessman: I’m sorry? You charge for that?

Clerk: It’s complimentary, but we do list it on the receipt.

Businessman: I see.

Clerk: Two aspirin: $2. A suit pressed: $18. Sixteen cubmic meters of argon: $65.

Businessman: Okay, I’m sorry — what was that last thing?

Clerk: Argon, Sir. It’s a noble gas.

Businessman: Yeah. I — I didn’t get any argon.

Clerk: It’s a colorless, odorless gas, Sir. How can you be entirely sure?

Businessman: I guess I don’t know!

Clerk: A bottle of water: $2. Housekeeping gratuity: $4. Excuse me, Sir, but did you remove the taxidermied bobcat from your room?

Businessman: I’m sorry? The what?

Clerk: The medium-sized stuffed mountain lion obn the mantel. Many customers msitake it for their own and they pack it by accident.

Businessman: No. [ he holds up a small bag ] I just have this little guy. I don’t think it would fit.

Clerk: Are you quite sure, Sir? The maid has reported it missing from your room, and, in this case, there would be a charge incurred.

Businessman: How much?

Clerk: Twelve cents.

Businessman: That’s fine. Just charge me for the bobcat.

Clerk: You could just return it, Sir.

Businessman: I don’t have it. I didn’t… I didn’t even see it in the room…

Clerk: Very well, Sir. That charge will stand. In-room entertainment package: $119,000.

Businessman: I just watched “The Avengers”. It was, like, $7.

Clerk: Yes, Sir. There is an option where you can choose to either pay $7 or $119,000.

Businessman: Okay. Then, I picked $7.

Clerk: Very well, Sir. You’d be the first one to choose that price.

Businessman: I… find that hard to believe.

[ suddenly, a Thief breeze past with the taxidermied bobcat in his hands ]

Businessman: Wait, wait… isn’t that your…? Okay, I do NOT have time for that at all.

Clerk: Visit with our tax advisor?

Businessman: That did not happen.

Clerk: He may have peeked in while you were sleeping.

Businessman: Uh… that creeps me out, but I didn’t notice him.

Clerk: But he’ll be very disappointed to hear that. But I’ll remove the charge. Would you like to donate $1 for the Relief Fund for Hurricane Sandy Victims?

Businessman: Sure!

Clerk: $1. That’s very generous, Sir.

Businessman: Whart? I mean… you suggested it…

Clerk: Okay, your receipt is printing.

Businessman: I don’t need a receipt.

Clerk: Nearly printed. [ he glances at the printer as it rattles ] And it’s jammed, Sir. I’ll print you another.

Businessman: That’s okay. Don’t worry about it. [ he glances at his watch ] And look at that, I’ve missed my flight!

Clerk: Will you be needing lodging tonight, Sir?

Businessman: Yes, please.

Clerk: Alright. Let’s go through that…

[ they crack up laughing, as the scene fades ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 6

12f: Louis C.K. / fun.

Goodnights

…..Louis C.K.

Lous C.K.: Thanks to fun.! Thanks to Lorne. Thanks to Davey. Thanks to Janet and the whole crew here, they’re great people! The cast, every single one of them! Thank you, New York City, for everything! Thank you very much! Good night!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 6

12f: Louis C.K. / fun.

Fox and Friends

Steve Doocy…..Taran Killam
Gretchen Carlson…..Vanessa Bayer
Brian Kilmeade…..Bobby Moynihan
Donald Trump…..Jason Sudeikis
Dave Pryor…..Louis C.K.

AnnouncerBrian Kilmeade: You’re watching “Fox & Friends”.

Steve DoocyBrian Kilmeade: Welcome back to “Fox & Friends”, I’m Steve Doocy. Joining me as always — Gretchen Carlson and Brian Kilmeade.

Gretchen Carlson: Hello.

Brian Kilmeade: Good morning.

Steve Doocy: Well, we are on day seven of the recovery after Hurricane Sandy, the worst disaster the country has ever seen. All taking place under the Obama administration.

Gretchen Carlson: It’s amazing, we’re now hearing that Obama knew about the storm days in advance!

Steve Doocy: And he did nothing to stop it!

Brian Kilmeade: It’s terrible! My car is completely underwater.

Gretchen Carlson: Is your street flooded?

Brian Kilmeade: No, I was texting while driving and I went straight into the Hudson.

Steve Doocy: You gotta be careful out there. Joining us now, it’s our regular Monday guest — Donald Trump.

Donald Trump: Hi, guys! Hi there! I’m very, very happy to have you to have me on your show. Okay. I tweeted about it, so get ready for a giant spike in your ratings.

Steve Doocy: Alright! Mr. Trump, you’ve been doing so many great things for this city during this crisis.

Donald Trump: Thank you, Steve. It’s been a terrible tragedy, but I wanna put all of New Yorkers minds at ease: Hurricane Sandy has in no way affected the shooting of this year’s “Celebrity Apprentice: All Stars”.

Gretchen Carlson: That is such a relief, Donald. Now, last week you said you’d give 5 million dollars to charity if President Obama released his college transcripts. But the president missed your deadline.

Donald Trump: That’s right, Gretchen. So I’m here to make another exclusive bombshell announcement. I have it on good authority from an African national that I met at a Rainforest Cafe that President Obama has been texting with some of the world’s top terrorists including: Abu Nazir, Jafar and the Riddler.

Gretchen Carlson: Wow! That is so…

Steve Doocy: Hold on, Donald. Aren’t those fictional characters?

Donald Trump: Well, if they are, then release the records, Mr. President! It’s that easy! If you do, I will give one million dollars to my charity — “Trump’s Buddies” — which pay inner city kids to throw garbage at Rosie O’Donnell.

Gretchen Carlson: You are amazingly generous, Mr. Trump. Let’s hope the president believes in charity more than his own lies.

Brian Kilmeade: I love charity! I recently donated $500 dollars to the WNBA and in return they gave me seats to the game.

Gretchen Carlson: I think you might have just bought tickets, Brian.

Brian Kilmeade: I don’t know.

Steve Doocy: Well, if you’re still picking up after Sandy, we here at Fox have been helping you out this week with our hurricane tips. Here to help us is a deputy for the Federal Emergency Management Agency – Dave Pryor. [ Dave steps out ] Welcome, Dave, nice to meet you. [ Dave shakes hands with Steve and Gretchen, Brian just waves his hand at him ] He doesn’t shake, have a seat.

Dave Pryor: Okay.

Steve Doocy: Thanks for coming, Dave. What do people need to know if their power is still out or their homes are flooded?

Donald Pryor: Well, the first thing you wanna do is avoid standing in flood waters because they can be contaminated with oil and rust sewage…

Steve Doocy: [ interrupting ] Absolutely! Or sharks or AIDS.

Dave Pryor: No, not sharks or AIDS. That’s…

Brian Kilmeade: What about piranhas with AIDS? Which I call “par-ades”?

Dave Pryor: No. But the bottom line is: If your neighbourhood is flooded, just stay inside…

Gretchen Carlson: [ Interrupting ] Okay, now, right, I heard that if you have a pet, don’t take it outside to do his business, just wrap it in a towel and squeeze it like a tube of toothpaste.

Dave Pryor: Okay, well, um… also keep a flashlight and water handy…

Steve Doocy: Yes, but don’t put the flashlight in the water. Brian found that out the hard way.

Brian Kilmeade: Ha, ha, ha! I was playing submarine in my bathtub and I ended up in the ER — but watch what happens when I touch my fingers. [ he touches his index fingers together and an electric sound is heard ]

Dave Pryor: Also: If you lose power, please get rid of your perishable food.

Gretchen Carlson: Or give your food to charity.

Dave Pryor: No, no, no! Not if it’s perishable. You have to throw it away.

Steve Doocy: Well, but you know what they say: It’s better to drink spoiled milk than no milk at all.

Dave Pryor: Nobody says that at all. That’s a terrible, irresponsible…

Brian Kilmeade: I threw out my milk and now I dunk my cookies in shampoo.

Dave Pryor: Just remember: If you’re having problems after Sandy, please call the FEMA hotline.

Steve Doocy: You know what? Or better yet, a local business person. Folks, remember: The government ALWAYS makes things worse!

Brian Kilmeade: Always, absolutely!

Dave Pryor: But that’s not the government… that’s me…

Steve Doocy: Well, thanks for coming, Dave, we appreciate it.

Dave Pryor: Oh, okay. [ He gets up and leaves ]

Steve Doocy: Alright! We have to take a quick break.

Gretchen Carlson: But, first, our fact checkers have finished combing over the first two hours of the show, and we have a few corrections.

[ text quickly scrolls up the screen:

Transitions lenses do not reverse the gender of your eyes.

Sandy Duncan did not sponsor the hurricane.

There are many black people, not just one who is a master of disguise.

Brian Kilmeade did not invent the term “smoke’em if you got’em”.

Not all pigs are born with human feet.

Angela Merkel is not the female version of Steve Urkel.

It is permissible to say the word “Mexican” on television.

There is no celebrity named Rape Romano.

Condoms work every day of the week. Not just Tuesdays.

Trees do not have bones.

There are a finite number of people in China.

Burritos are not male tacos.

The Constitution is a living document, but it cannot walk around.

Chef Boyardee is not the Prime Minister of Italy. He is the Vice President.

Paul Ryan is not faster than a cheetah.

FEMA is not slang for “female”.

Many Hispanics own their own cars.

The Statue of Liberty was not a gift from Santa.

At no point has Dorf been the number one golfer in the world.

Lance Armstrong did not trade a testicle for steroids.

Michael J. Fox does not have “multiple sandwiches”.

Apple Maps is not a map showing where the apples are.

8 is a multiple of 4.

Women’s vaginas are below their waists.

Kris Krostie is not Chris Christie with his pants on backwards.

Afi Komen was never the U.N. Secretary General.

“Haitian” does not mean half-Asian.

Last Wednesday was Halloween. Not a ghost invasion.

Mr. Met has never announced a preference for any religion over the other.

Chef Boyardee is not the Vice President of Italy. ]

Brian Kilmeade: We’ll see you after this quick break.

[ fade ]

Sumbitted by: Raul

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 6


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


November 3rd, 2012

Louis C.K.

Fun.

None

None

None
Press ConferenceSummary: Following the aftermath of Hurricane Sandy, New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg (Fred Armisen) and New Jersey Governor Chris Christie (Bobby Moynihan) give a status report as their sign-language interpretors (Cecily Strong, Nasim Pedrad) provide wild, overexaggerated hand gestures.

Recurring Characters: Mike Bloomberg, Chris Christie.

Transcript

Montage

Louis C.K.’s MonologueSummary: Louis C.K. performs stand-up about an old lady he helped out at the airport.

Transcript

Fox and FriendsSummary: Steve Doocy (Taran Killam), Gretchen Carlson (Vanessa Bayer) and Brian Kilmeade (Bobby Moynihan) offer clumsy hurricane safety tips and chat with a FEMA worker (Louis C.K.).

Recurring Characters: Steve Doocy, Gretchen Carlson, Brian Kilmeade, Donald Trump.

Transcript

LincolnSummary: In a parody of Louis C.K.’s sitcom, Abraham Lincoln (Louis C.K.) performs stand-up routines based on his daily observations as the President of the United States.

Transcript

Australian Screen LegendsSummary: A series of film clips documents the career of Tedd DAvies (Kate McKinnon) and Graham Dixon (Bill Hader), until Dixon breaks out to co-star exclusively with John Chisolm (Louis C.K.).

Fun. performs “Some Nights”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Mitt Romney (Jason Sudeikis) makes his final argument to voters. Social Media expert Kourtney Barnes (Aidy Bryant) discusses online reaction to the Presidential election. The Girl You Wish You Hadn’t Started A Conversation With At A Party (Cecily Strong) attempts to discuss the Presidential election and Hurricane Sandy.

Recurring Characters: Mitt Romney, The Girl You Wish You Hadn’t Started A Conversation With At A Party.

Mountain PassSummary: Tylor (Louis C.K.) disturbs mountain dwellers while blowing a horn as a signal for Zord (Fred Armisen).

Hotel FeesSummary: Businessman (Bobby Moynihan) is anxious to check out of his hotel as the Clerk (Louis C.K.) itemizes every last detail of his bill.

Transcript

Fun. performs “Carry On”

Last CallSummary: Drunken Dan Pants (Louis C.K.) and Sheila Sovage (Kate McKinnon) hit if off after they’re the last singles left in the bar at closing time.

Recurring Characters: Sheila Sovage.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

A Message from the President of the United StatesSummary: President Barack Obama (Jay Pharoah) attempts to politicize Hurricane Sandy in order to win votes in Ohio.

Recurring Characters: President Barack Obama.

The VoiceSummary: The celebrity judges are overenthusiastic for a contestant (Louis C.K.) who barely wants to be there.

Recurring Characters: Carson Daly, Shakira, Cee Lo Green.

Note: This sketch would air later in the season in the episode hosted by Melissa McCarthy.

Roundball RockSummary: At a 1990 meeting with NBC Sports, John Tesh (Jason Sudeikis) and his brother Dave (Tim Robinson) perform “Roundball Rock” with unnecessarily loud lyrics.

Note: This sketch would air later in the season in the episode hosted by Vince Vaughn.

The Drawing ShowSummary: Children’s host (Louis C.K.) lashes out at the kids in his audience who don’t appreciate his inept drawing skills.

Cologne KillerSummary: Cologne pitchman (Louis C.K.) is actually a serial killer and a master of disguises.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 5


]]>

12e: Bruno Mars

Weekend Update with Seth Meyers

…..Seth Meyers
Stefon…..Bill Hader

Announcer: “Weekend Update”, with Seth Meyers.

Seth Meyers: Good evening, I’m Seth Meyers! Here are tonight’s top stories:

This Tuesday was the second Presidential debate. Said President Obama, “Second?? Oh, crap!”

A new Gallup poll shows that Mitt Romney now has a 7 point lead on President Obama. That’s right — Romney leads by 7 points among people who still answer landline calls from a blocked number. Those people!

Both Republicans and Democrats are saying that Latino voters will decide who wins in three key states: Colorado, Florida and Nevada. Or, as the candidates are now calling them: [ in Spanish accent ] Colorado, Florida y Nevada. Bueno! Bueno!

A new poll shows that mitt Romney has a massive 22 point lead over President Obama among rural voters in battleground states. Rural voters say they can’t really put their finger on it… but there’s something about Romney that just seems right… probably just a feeling. [ split-screen photos of Romney and Obama slowly jump to close-ups of their skin ] Just a feeling!

Reality TV star Honey Boo Boo, this week, endorsed President Obama during an appearance on “The Jimmy Kimmel Show”. I knew Obama was pro-birth control, but I didn’t know birth control was pro-Obama.

During a debate Wednesday between New York Senator Kirsten Gillibrand and her opponent Wendy Long, moderators asked both women if they had read “Fifty Shades of Grey”. Even worse, the follow up question was, [ slyly ] “…to each other?”

Seth Meyers: The third and final Presidential Debate is Monday ight in Boca Raton, Florida. With the race dead-even, both candidates are looking for a performance that will shift the momentum in their favor. We thought we’d help out with a few “Debate Dos and Don’ts”.

[ title card appears ]

Alright, here we go! Do: Speak loudly and clearly. You’re in Boca Raton, Florida. Their city motto is: “Say It In My Good Ear.”

Don’t keep telling us stories about people you mt at your rally who happen to agree with your positions. That’s like Bret Michaels saying, “At my last concert, someone yelled “Poison Rules!””

Mr. President, this one’s just for you: Don’t mention killing Osama bin Laden any more. It was great and all, but Americans have a short attention span. At this point, saying you killed bin Laden is like saying you won the second season of “American Idol”.

And, Obama: Do talk down to the American people. Stop assuming we know the issues as well as you. Most of us are dummies. Haldf the country thinks ObamaCare is who we call when our iPad stops working.

Mitt Romney: Do mention that you saved the Olympics, but Don’t mention that it was the Winter Olympics. The Summer Olympics are a grand spectacle of sport; the Winter Olympics is just 48 different kinds of sliding.

Don’t smile so much. Your normal facial expression already looks like you’re shaming a waiter. When you smile, it looks like you’re about to tell your dad it’s time to move into a home — and remember, you’re in Boca.

Also, TV networks: Don’t televise the post-debate stage hugs and milling about. It looks like the lights just came on at America’s most boring nightclub.

Announcer: This has been “Dos and Don’ts”.

Seth Meyers: Residents of Brooklyn who live near the new Barclays Center are complaining that large numbers of people have been urinating on the streets and behind buildings after Brooklyn Nets games — and also for the last 200 years.

New research shows that giving teenage girls HPV vaccinations does not encourage them to have sex. “Then what does?” said teenage boys. “What does?”

A plan has been proposed for a new bridge across the Seine River in Paris that would be made out of trampolines. And the only way that could go wrong is immediately.

A professor at the University of New Mexico has developed a dissolvable mouth strip that can relieve the pain caused when a person burns the top of their mouth eating pizza. Finally, a scientific alternative to waiting a minute. Just wait a minute! One minute!

Seth Meyers: Well, it’s almost Halloween in New York City, which means millions of tourists will be heading here to see what fun the Big Apple has to offer. Here with some tips on what they should check out, is our City Correspondent — Stefon!

Stefon: Hi! I’m Stefon. [ he holds out his hand to Seth ]

Seth Meyers: Yeah, I know! Okay, Stefon — Halloween. Always a big deal in New York. So, why don’t you tell us about some of the best spots for people to check out?

Stefon: Yes. If you need to get a spot checked out, I know just the place for you. New York’s hottest club is… [ deep-voiced ] Jelly Bones! Located on the Lower Upper Side… this random home invasion is the creation of legally-drunk clothing designer Nick Nolte and Gabana. As you walk in, you’ll be handed a glass of champagne — or is it piss? [ he covers his mouth ] Needless to say, this place has EVERYTHING: Slurpies, Mushmouthes, Litterbugs… Don’t worry about security, because it’s guarded by an army of hobo-cops.

Seth Meyers: Hobo-cops?

Stefon: Homeless Robocops! [ he covers his mouth ]

Seth Meyers: Look, Stefon, that sounds like a kind of heavy-duty scene. I was, you know, just looking for something a little more traditional.

Stefon: Mmm-hmm…!

Seth Meyers: You know, uh… you know what? Maybe this will help keep it on track. Why don’t you walk us through whart you will do on Halloween?

Stefon: Uh — what I do on Halloween? Uh, starting when?

Seth Meyers: Well, let’s say… seven at night.

Stefon: 7 p.m. Okay. Sooo… I wake up… I go home… I take a shower… [ he mimes this act ] Now, my dog — Bark Ruffalo — probably hasn’t eaten yet, so I feed him…

Seth Meyers: Yeah, but where do you go when you go out?

Stefon: Ohhh, right. I’ll tell you what… New York’s hottest Halloween party is: [ he cowers down and growls twice ] Located in an abandoned white fish factory in Little Israel… this place is gonna have EVERYTHING: Ghosts, ghouls, goblins… my son! [ he covers his mouth ] On the dance floor, you’ll find both guys from Wham! wearing a two-man horse costume. Spoiler alert: They’re both in the back. And there’s a special guest. Have you heard of Blacula, the Black Dracula?

Seth Meyers: Yes!

Stefon: Well, they have a Jewish Dracula.

Seth Meyers: Oh. What’s his name?

Stefon: Sidney Appelbaum! [ he cracks up and covers his face with his hands ]

Seth Meyers: Sidney Appelbaum?

Stefon: [ cracking up ] Yes! [ he continues to crack up, then finally composes himself ] For a healthy snack, hit the bar and have some Fraisins — raisins that look like Frasier! Or try your luck with the Human Pinata.

Seth Meyers: And what is the Human Pinata?

Stefon: It’s that thing of when a Mexican midget eats a lot of candy, and then he dances until he throws up! [ he covers his face with his hands ]

Seth Meyers: You know, uh, Stefon… I think “midget” is actually an outdated term.

Stefon: Sorry. Not “midget” — [ making finger quotes” “Fun-sized”! [ he covers his face with his hands ]

Seth Meyers: Stefon… I was looking for something more WHOLESOME for Halloween. You know, a haunted house or a place to hear ghost stories.

Stefon: Oh, I know a story with a ghost in it!

Seth Meyers: Is it a Halloween-related story?

Stefon: Yes’m!

Seth Meyers: Okay.

Stefon: Can I have the lights down, please? [ the lights dim ] Oooooohhhhhh! “A long, long, long time ago — like, say… six minutes ago — there was once an old house. And in that house, there lived an old gay man that people called Slimerrrrr!”

Seth Meyers: Why did they call him “Slimer”?

Stefon: [ as the lights pot up ] Well, if you recall in the film “Ghostbusters”, Slimer was able to hold — shall we say? — multiple hot dogs in his mouth at one time!

Seth Meyers: Oh, I understand it! Stop! I understand it — stop!

Stefon: If you understood, you wouldn’t want it to stop!

Seth Meyers: I do understand, and I DO want it to stop! I DO understand… and I DO want it to stop!

Stefon: Alright!

Seth Meyers: I understand; YOU don’t understand!

Stefon: Good — no, I FULLY understand!

Seth Meyers: Now, I know thart you have tried your best, Stefon, and I just want to thank you for sharing those Halloween tips, buddy.

Stefon: Don’t you want to hang out on Halloween?

Seth Meyers: You know what? I do. I’ll pick you up at 7:00. Where do you live?

Stefon: You know the Radio Shack at 23rd and 7th?

Seth Meyers: Yes!

Stefon: I live in a garbage can.

Seth Meyers: Stefon, everybody! For “Weekend Update”, I’m Seth Meyers! Good night!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 5

12e: Bruno Mars

Merryville Haunted Castle

Kelly…..Vanessa Bayer
Peter…..Jay Pharoah
Robots…..Taran Killam, Bruno Mars, Bill Hader, Tom Hanks
Repairman…..Bobby Moynihan

[ open on exterior footage of amusement park ]

[ dissolve to interior, Merry-Go-Trolley ride, as a couple rolls through ]

Kelly: Peter, you promise this isn’t going to be too scary? I hate haunted houses.

Peter: [ chuckling ] Come on, Kelly. The Merryville Haunted Castle is a kid’s ride. Nothing’s gonna happen. [ a beat ] BOO!! [ he chuckles ]

Kelly: Peter, DON’T do that!

Peter: I’m sorry, Sweetie. Hey, look. [ he points ] It’s the Merryville Brothers!

[ two Merry-Go-Brother robots rise with horns and a tambourine to perform in an eerie manner ]

Jingle: “Ghosts and ghouls and spooky fools will terrify your dreams! You can’t escape the scary fate of a Merryville Halloween!”

[ third robot rises to bang a triangle with a collective “BOO-OO-OO!!”, then they all lower back behind the wall ]

Peter: [ laughing ] Those guys crack me up!

Kelly: Well, they creep me out.

Peter: Okay, Miss Scaredy-Pants.

[ suddenly, the ride shorts out ]

Kelly: What was that?

Peter: I don’t know.

[ Repairman enters ]

Repairman: Hey — sorry, folks. We’re just having a little texchnical issue with the generator. But, don’t worry — [ he shines the flashlight in his face ] We’ll… take… good CARRRRE… of you![ he laughs maniacally ] Okay, hang tight!

[ he exits ]

Kelly: That was weird. Why did he do that?

Peter: Baby, it’s fine, okay?

[ suddenly, the two Merry-Go-Brother robots rise again and perform in an eerie manner ]

Kelly: Oh, no…

Jingle: “Ghosts and ghouls and spooky fools will terrify your dreams! You can’t escape the scary fate of a Merryville Halloween!”

[ third robot rises to bang a triangle with a collective “BOO-OO-OO!!”, then they all stare at the couple ]

Kelly: [ uneasy ] Why are they staring at us?

Peter: Babe, how can they stare at us? They’re not even — they’re robots! Come on!

Kelly: Okay, that one’s smoking.

[ reveal second robot holding a lit cigarette ]

Peter: [ scoffing ] He’s probably on break, okay? Hey! Hey! [ he tosses popcorn at the robots ] Get out of here!

Kelly: Don’t do that! You’re gonna make them mad! You’re gonna — you’re gonna make them MAD right now, okay?

[ the first robots points at Peter, then runs his finger across his neck as all three robots lower back behind the wall ]

Kelly: [ freaking out ] Oh, my God! Did you see that?!

Peter: Yeahhhh. They went down. The ride’s probably fixed.

[ suddenly, the two Merry-Go-Brother robots rise again, armed with knives, and perform in an eerie manner, reaching out to almost touch the couple ]

Jingle: “Ghosts and ghouls and spooky fools will terrify your dreams! You can’t escape the scary fate of a Merryville Halloween!”

Kelly: Oh, my God! They’re trying to KILL US!!

Peter: I — I — I don’t see it!

Kelly: They have WEAPONS!!

[ third robot rises while revving up a chainsaw, as the robots sing a collective “BOO-OO-OO!!”, then they all stare at the couple ]

Kelly: [ freaking out ] Okay, you know what?! That’s ENOUGH!! We have to get out of here!

Peter: Baby, you’re getting paranoid.

Kelly: Oh, my God! Your name is on that tombstone!

Peter: Peter is a common name.

Kelly: Okay — well, it’s also got your picture!

[ reveal tombstone with Peter’s face on it ]

Repairman: Okay, folks, we’re getting real close on fixing the ride.

Kelly: Okay, hurry up! They’re trying to kill ME and MY BOYFRIEND!

Peter: [ holding his hands up ] Whoa, whoa, whoa… boyfriend? Hey, slow down, we just having fun.

Repairman: [ chuckling ] Ma’am, I assure you — there is nothing to be nervous about. I have worked here for a very long time, and —

[ suddenly, he gasps and falls over, a butcher knife lodged in his spine ]

[ suddenly, the two Merry-Go-Brother robots rise again ]

Kelly: Oh, my God!

Jingle: “Ghosts and ghouls and spooky fools will terrify your dreams! You can’t escape the scary fate of a Merryville Halloween!”

Kelly: Oh, my God, there’s ANOTHER one!

[ a fourth robot appears behind the couple, brandishing pruning shears, then three of the robots lurch toward the couple ]

Kelly: Oh, no! I – just — what do we do?

[ the robots pull Peter from the ride ]

Kelly: Oh, my God! What do we do? Don’t let them take you!

Peter: I’ll meet you outside!

Kelly: Don’t let them take you!

[ the fourth robot sits next to Kelly ]

Kelly: Oh, my God! oh! [ she smiles ] You know what? I know I should be scared… but you have a very lovable face.

Fourth Merryville Brother: I… get that… a lot! [ his hand reaches over to cup her breast ]

Kelly: [ trying to stop him ] Okay!

[ the ride continues down its track, as the camera pans away and a bloody “THE END” superimposes onto the screen with the jingle ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts