Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 38: Episode 5
12e: Bruno Mars
Second Presidential Debate
Candy Crowley…..Aidy Bryant
President Barack Obama…..Jay Pharoah
Mitt Romney…..Jason Sudeikis
Jeremy Blaustein…..Fred Armisen
Eugene Picanzi…..Bill Hader
Tagg Romney…..Taran Killam
Teresa Cucinelly…..Kate McKinnon
Dominic Fonte…..Bobby Moynihan
Lisa Goldstein…..Cecily Strong
Kerry Lapkis…..Tom Hanks
[ open on Hofstra University, Hempstead, New York ]
[ dissolve to Candy Crowley ]
Candy Crowley: Good evening, from Hofstra University in Hempstead, New York. I’m Candy Crowlety, from “CNN: State of the Union”. Welcome to the Second Presidential Debate. Tonight’s debate is a Town Hall, and our audience’s 82 undecided voters are from the Long Island area, with questions based on the severity of their accents. Their questions are known to me and my team only. Neither the commission nor the candidates have seen them, and, in some cases, it will seem as though the person asking the question is also seeing it for the first time. With that out of the way, please welcome President Barack Obama and Governor Mitt Romney.
[ the two candidates enter the stage and shake hands ]
Candy Crowley: Gentlemen, welcome. Governor Romney, you own the coin toss, so the first question goes to you, and it comes to us from a shaky extra from the film “A Bronx Tale”.
Jeremy Blaustein: Uh… hi! Hi! Hello, hi. Uh — I’m a 38-year old college student, and all I ever hear is, uh, how I’m never gonna get a job. You know? I hear it from everybody! Professors, and neighbors, and friends, and, uh, bus drivers, you know? Uh, I hear it from passersby, you know? My parents tell me, “Jeremy, you lousy so-and-so!” — You know? — “You’re NEVER gonna amount to NOTHIN’!” — You know? — “Why’d you have to be BORN?!” [ he chuckles nervously ] I don’t have a good answer, so-so-so my question is: “Could one of you please promise to give me a job… so my parents get off my back?”
Mitt Romney: Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm. Well… that’s a, uh, terrific question, Jeremy. And it’s a question that’s being asked ALL over America today. Now, the President claims that unemployment is dropping!
President Barack Obama: It is.
Mitt Romney: Well, uh — hey! Hey! Hey, hey, hey! you’l get your turn, pal, okay? I go first, because I won the coin toss! So…
President Barack Obama: That was LUCK!
Mitt Romney: Luck? No, no, no, no, no! No, winning a coin toss has NOTHING to do with luck, my friend!
President Barack Obama: [ jumping to his feet ] Let’s get something straight RIGHT NOW! I’m NOT your friend!
Mitt Romney: Yeah, and I’m not yours, wither, Sparky! Okay? By the way, uh — what’s your salary as President?
President Barack Obama: $400,000! $400,000, yeah! I mean, what’s it to you?!
Mitt Romney: $400,000? Huh! $400,000. Yeah, thats what I pay my cats! Okay. Now, uh, why don’t you go sit down before I beat you to death with my paycheck, alright?
Candy Crowley: Okay. Gentlemen, please, let’s try and keep this thing civil.
Mitt Romney: Yeah, well — HE started it!
Candy Crowley: Okay. Our next question is —
Mitt Romney: No, no, wait a minute! Hold on! Wait, wait, wait! Candy, I think I get to say four more things.
Candy Crowley: I’m sorry, Governor Romney…
Mitt Romney: Candy, Candy, Candy! Come on, now — FOUR more things, real quick. The rules say!
Candy Crowley: No, the rules do not…
Mitt Romney: Candy, Candy, please! Candy, what are you doing? Alright? THREE more things, and one more additional thing. That’s it, four things.
Candy Crowley: Mr. Romney — No! Now please step back away from my desk!
President Barack Obama: Candy is he bothering you?
Candy Crowley: I’m fine, Mr. President. Our next question is from Eugene Picanzi, and it’s for the President.
Eugene Picanzi: Yeah, hi. How you doin’? How you doin’? Okay! Here we go! Gas prices are a little high, if you ask me. So, uh… how come you don’t do nothin’ about that? Alright, thank you!
President Barack Obama: Well, uh, obviously, Eugene, we, uh, need to do everything we can to become energy-independent.
Mitt Romney: Oh, really? Well, then, why have you cut drilling permits on federal land by HALF?
President Barack Obama: That’s not true!
Mitt Romney: Well, so how much did you cut?
President Barack Obama: Not true!
Mitt Romney: You didnt cut anything? Youre not going to cut anything?
President Barack Obama: I’m about to cut you!
Mitt Romney: [ jumping to his feet ] Oh, I’d like to see that! I’d like to see that! Huh?
President Barack Obama: Look — this isn’t Colorado any more, Governor. Okay? This is sea level!
Mitt Romney: Alright, okay. Mr. President, if you don’t mind, I’d like to answer Eugene’s very thoughtful question about gas prices. Then, after that, it’s you and me outside!
President Barack Obama: Oh, really, old man?
Mitt Romney: Yeah, that’s right! That’s right! Just the two of us, no Secret Service, okay?
President Barack Obama: In that case, you’d better bring, uh, your Mormon magic underpants — AND your wifes dancing horse! Because, Blondie, when I play, I play for KEEPS!
[ Tagg Romney rises from the audience, his fist clenched ]
Tagg Romney: Let me at him, Dad!
Mitt Romney: No, no, no! Come on, sit down, Tag, alright? Not now!
Candy Crowley: Gentlemen, really — this is SO inapropriate.
Mitt Romney: Candy, Candy, he started it, you know?
Candy Crowley: Okay, okay… Governor Romney, what would you do about the price of gas?
Mitt Romney: Well, HERE’S where we have to look at what this president’s already done. Right? This is a president who’s made it harder… for U.S. oil companies to drill. Okay? He brought criminal action against an oil company in North Dakota because 25 BIRDS were killed. 25! Well, let me promise you that, as your president, I will NEVER care how many birds are killed! You can kill 250 birds! You can kill 2500 birds! If it brings gas prices down ONE cent… I would personally stalk, capture and strangle EVERY bird in this great land — except eagles!
President Barack Obama: What Governor Romney just said is simply not true!
Mitt Romney: [ growling ] Ohhhh, I want to FIGHT you!!
President Barack Obama: Any time, Casper! Any time!
Mitt Romney: So bad!
Candy Crowley: Governor Romney, I want to remind you that threatening the life of the president is a federal crime, punishable by ten years of imprisonment. Okay?
Mitt Romney: I got it.
Candy Crowley: And for your part, Mr. President, threatening a former governor of Massachusetts is a Class B misdemeanor, and it’s involving a fine of no less than $50 and no more than $150.
President Barack Obama: Understood.
Candy Crowley: Okay. However, if you do wish to threaten the life of a former Massachusetts governor, the license fee is $8 a year.
President Barack Obama: Cool!
Candy Crowley: Our next queston is from Theresa Cucinelly, and it is for Governor Romney.
Theresa Cucinelly: Governor Romney. You promised to eliminate some tax deductions. The mortgage deduction. The charitable deduction. The child tax credit. And the, um… oh, my God! What’s the other? This is so embarrassing!
President Barack Obama: Uh — you’re doing great.
Theresa Cucinelly: Okay… okay… [ she pulls out a note card ] and “Pizza Bagels.” That’s a grocery list.
President Barack Obama: Still doing great.
Theresa Cucinelly: [ grabbing another note card ] Uh — “Iceland Avenue to Souhern Park West.” No. Those are directions.
President Barack Obama: You’re doing a little less great.
Theresa Cucinelly: [ grabbing another note card ] Here it is. It’s, uh… it’s Education. So please answer that!
Mitt Romney: Uh, well, Denise… uh… Denise, my economic plan is a simple one. It’s a 5-point plan that we can ALL get behind.
President Barack Obama: You know, uh, Governor Romney keeps mentioning this 5-point plan, but where is it? Uhhhh, I mean what are these five points?
Mitt Romney: Oh! Oh, you want to see them? Okay, here you go. [ he holds up his hand and forms a fist ] Here’s one, two, three, four, five. Right here — BAM! That’s my plan!
President Barack Obama: Well… I got a one-point plan for you. Want to see it? Uh, here it is! [ he holds up his hand and slowly raises his middle finger ]
Candy Crowley: President Obama! President Obama! Put your finger down.
President Barack Obama: And the best thing about my plan is you can sit on it AND spin!
Candy Crowley: Mr. President, please! Governor Romney, you, too. You’re setting a terrible example for this audience, and these people are VERY impressionable! [ whispering ] They’re from LONG ISLAND!
President Barack Obama: Okay!
Mitt Romney: He started it!
Candy Crowley: Very well. Uh — now, uh — let’s see. The next question comes from Dominic Fonte, and it’s also for Governor Romney.
Dominic Fonte: [ opening wadded up piece of paper ] Governor Romney. A few minutes ago, you said you would like to kick President Obama’s ass.
Candy Crowley: Okay. Oh, boy. Here we go.
Dominic Fonte: Okay? Well, how about if I kicked your asses instead? How would THAT be? Huh?!
Mitt Romney: Oh, you’re welcome to TRY, Tubby!
Candy Crowley: This is exactly…
Mitt Romney: How about if I put you on a schedule for a BEATDOWN?! How about that, huh?
Dominic Fonte: Oh, ho ho! You got NOTHING! You’re a PUNK! I’ll kick YOUR ass… and then I’ll kick the PRESIDENT’s ass!
Candy Crowley: Okay. Wait, wait, wait… Now, why do you want to kick the ass of both Governor Romney and the President?
Dominic Fonte: Uh — I don’t know. I’m undecided?
Candy Crowley: Okay. Our next question comes from Lisa Goldstein. Lisa?
Lisa Goldstein: I was wondering what either one of you would do to keep dangerous assault weapons, like AK-47s, off the streets?
Mitt Romney: Uhhh… nothing.
President Barack Obama: I would also do nothing.
Candy Crowley: Good. Very well. Okay. Moving on — we’ve reached our final question for the night, and this is from Kerry Lapkis.
[ in the audience, Kerry is waving to the camera while speaking into his cellphone ]
Kerry Lapkis: I’m waving. Can you see me? Can you see me, I’m waving. I’m waving. Can you see me? You can?! Hey!
Candy Crowley: Mr. Lapkis. Mr. Lapkis, please.
Kerry Lapkis: Okay… okay. Okay, this question actually comes from a brain trust of my friends at Global Telecm Supply, and it’s, uh… [ he rabs a microphone and holds it right up to his mouth ] This isreally a terrific question! [ he unfolds a tiny sheet of paper ] Can I just say, by way of a warning… you’d better buckle your seat belts! ‘Cause this question is about to blow your mind! [ he opens the sheet, removes and replaces his glasses, and flips the sheet all around ] “Libya.”
President Barack Obama: You know, uh, I’m glad you brought Libya up. You know? Because Governor Romney wants to politicize Libya… [ Romney shoves Obama ] In the same way he wants to politicize my handling of the economy! [ Romney reaches over and tries to grab Obama’s microphone ] Governor Romney wants to politicize things so much, that sometimes it makes me feel like he and I are both politicians. [ Romney smacks Obama on the forehead ] You got a problem?!
Mitt Romney: Yeah, yeah, I got a problem! I want to know why it took you so long to call the attack in Benghazi a TERRORIST attack!
President Barack Obama: I said that THE DAY AFTER!
Mitt Romney: No, you didn’t!
President Barack Obama: Yes, I did!
Mitt Romney: No, you didn’t!
President Barack Obama: Yes, I did!
Mitt Romney: No, no! In fact, I would be willing to bet, here and now, that you have NEVER in your life, even ONCE, used the phrase “Terrorist Act”!
President Barack Obama: Uh, get the transcript! Get it!
Candy Crowley: Governor, he has, in fact, used the phrase “Terrorist Act”.
Mitt Romney: Candy, no. No, no, no, Candy. Come on! [ he steps closer ]
Candy Crowley: Yeah. I’m afraid he did.
Mitt Romney: Candy, please. Candy.
[ Obama steps forward, stares at Romney and drops his microphone to the floor. He then wipes the dust from his shoulders. ]
Mitt Romney: Ohhh, Candy. Oh, Candy, come on!
Candy Crowley: And that concludes tonight’s debate. From all of us here at Hofstra University, thank you, and “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Niiiiiight!”
SNL Transcripts
Air Date:
Summary: Bruno Mars quells concerns about his hosting abilities by singing a song.
Summary: Sunny Taylor Tompkins (Cecily Strong) introduces deadbeat guests that her audience love to hate on no matter what.
Summary: Brad Pitt (Taran Killam) makes a rambling endorsement for Taco Bell.
Summary: When various station feeds falter, it’s up to intern Devin (Bruno Mars) to perform live imitations of various singers.
Summary: Seth Meyers offer up his list of Debate Dos & Don’ts. Stefon (Bill Hader) outlines the hottest places to celebrate Halloween in New York City.
Summary: 
Summary: Brad Pitt (Taran Killam) makes a rambling endorsement for Franklin’s Dog Condoms.
Summary: Lodge clerk (Bruno Mars) warns Mr. (Jason Sudeikis) and Mrs. Johnson (Vanessa Bayer) to beware the yeti who roams the woods.
Summary: Brad Pitt (Taran Killam) makes a rambling endorsement for Jonathan Zizmor M.D.
Summary: With a little help from Muppets knock-offs The Fruppets, Christina Applegate sings about this last burst of mundane, quiet time before Halloween and an endless slew of Autumn/Winter holidays begins.
Summary: 
Summary: Abandoned by his wife, Stuart (Fred Armisen) prepares to wed a new bride (Christina Applegate) as his Californian clan speak in overexaggerated valley accents and provide driving directions within every conservation.
Summary: 
Summary: Arianna Huffington (Nasim Pedrad). Jean K. Jean (Kenan Thompson).
Summary: Odysseus (Jason Sudeikis) insists that his crew tie him up so that he doesn’t crash his ship into the rocks while listening to the haunting 1990’s musical selections of the Sirens (Christina Applegate, Kate McKinnon, Cecily Strong).
Summary: 
Summary: Jillian Chizz (Christina Applegate).