Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 37: Episode 14
Goodnights
…..Zooey Deschanel
Zooey Deschanel: Thanks to Karmin! Nicolas Cage! Jean Dujardin! Thank you, everybody! This is the best night of my life!
Month: October 2018
SNL Transcripts: Zooey Deschanel: 02/11/12: Daily Post
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 37: Episode 14
Daily Post
Johnny…..Jason Sudeikis
Reporter #1…..Bobby Moynihan
Jillian…..Kristen Wiig
Marla…..Zooey Deschanel
Reporter #2…..Taran Killam
[ open on exterior, newspaper building ]
[ SUPER: “Daily Post, 1941 ]
[ dissolve to interior, newspaper office ]
Johnny: [ fast-paced ] Hey, you bums, get to work! Is this a newspaper or a nursery school?! If it’s a nursery, you’re some scary-looking children! I should know — I’ve got two at home! Alright, who’s got the story on the bank robbery downtown?!
Reporter #1: [ fast-paced ] Right here, Boss! Take a gander!
Johnny: Alright, great! [ he grabs the copy ] Alright, RUN with it!
Reporter #1: You mean it?!
Johnny: Yeah — [ he crumples the copy ] All the way to the DUMP BIN! ‘Cause it’s GARBAGE! GARBAGE, I say!
[ Jillian saunters in ]
Jillian: [ fast-paced ] Careful, Johnny, you’re gonna blow your top — and no one wants to see you without a top on!
Johnny: Hmm! Well, well, well, well! Look what the cat dragged in! Scratch that, Jillian! No cat would drag you — they’d have to put their mouth on you!
Jillian: Oh! Why, I oughhta! [ she swings her fist ]
Johnny: Well, you OUGHTTA, but you AREN’T! And you never will! Ah, what are you doing here, Jillian? Yuo walked out of that door FOUR months ago! It was the BEST four months of my life!
Jillian: Gee, Johnny, I’m surprised you lasted four months without me, because you couldn’t last four minutes WITH me!
Johnny: Well, I, I, I shoulda!
Jillian: You shoulda, but you DIDN’T! Johnny, I want my job back! What do you say?!
Johnny: Sorry, Jillian! That position’s filled! Here she is now! [ ?? enters ] Meet my new ace reporter — Marla Sneeds!
Marla: [ low-key ] Hi.
Johnny: Mmm-hmm! Started just this morning, and she’s happy as a clam! Have a seat, Marla! You can show Jillian what REAL reporting is!
Jillian: Well, isn’t this just swell?! I quit four months ago, and Marla starts just today? Quite a gestation period! What are you, my dear — a baby pacyderm? Well?!
Marla: [ laughing ] I’m sorry, you guys… you were talking so fast! I have no idea what anyone was saying! I’m like, “What?!”
Jillian: What is this, a joke?!
Johnny: Ah, don’t pick on Marla, Jillian! She’s just a kid! wet behind the ears!
Jillian: She’s wet, alright! She’s positively DAMP! And I mean that in the best possible sense, dear!
Marla: I’m… sorry. I have NO idea what the hell you just said! Everything you said sounds like… ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da! I don’t know, is it me?!
Johnny: [ chuckling ] Alright, Marla. Just get back to work.
Jillian: Oh, come on, Johnny! You can’t be serious with this one! Don’t you want someone with a little more experience, a little pizazz, more pap, someone who knows which end of the goat to look at?!
Johnny: Well, I don’t see any goats here, Jillian — just a nag!
Jillian: Why, I could…! [ she raises her fist ]
Johnny: Yeah, you could, but you WON’T, and you never will!
Marla: Uhhhh… is this a real argument, or this just jibber-jabber?
Jillian: [ she gasps ] This girl’s a maroon! She’s not even maroon — she’s RUST!
Marla: Oh, yeah? Well… [ fast-paced ] “You oughtta put the horse before the cart because the apples are… Hubba-hubba!” [ she shakes her head ] I’m sorry, I can’t do it! I can’t do it, it’s SO hard! [ fast-paced ] “Your mama’s so fat she puts butter in her mouth and she eats it!” [ she laughs ] I can’t… I don’t know! I don’t know.
Johnny: That’s alright, Marla. Why don’t you take a cigarette break?
Jillian: Or a long leap into a hard building!
Marla: That is not necessary. And, you know what? I looked at this paper, and there are so many typos. I think if everybody just kind of slowed down… like take your time with your work. I mean, look at this guy.
[ cut to Reporter #1 typing at a manic, fast pace ]
Marla: Is that gonna make sense? I don’t know!
[ Reporter #2 rushes in ]
Reporter #2: [ fast-paced ] Hey, Boss! We just got a call the orphanage is on fire! We gotta get somebody down there to cover it! What a scoop! TWO scoops! [ he rushes off ]
Marla: [ laughing ] Straight up — is everyone here on cocaine?
Jillian: Oh, come on, Johnny! Do a favor for an old friend! Put me on that orphanage story! I’ll give you a Page One spread, I’m talking Pulitzers by the POUND!
Johnny: You’re not talking to no one! The story belongs to Marla!
Jillian: What?! This girl’s a drip! A wet blanket! She’s got a poundcake for brains!
Marla: Oh, yeah, Jillian? Well… [ fast-paced ] “When you were born, the doctor said, ‘Maybe you ought to think about putting that there thing back in… there… if you can…'” [ she stops ] Hey! That was almost a thing! I almost did it! I think I’m gonna fit in here great! Yay!
[ everyone gives her dumb stares ]
Marla: Or not. Whatever. This place is like really toxic.
[ cut to exterior, building ]
[ fade ]
SNL Transcripts: Zooey Deschanel: 02/11/12: Clint Eastwood Chrysler Ad III
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 37: Episode 14
Clint Eastwood Chrysler Ad III
Clint Eastwood…..Bill Hader
[ open on footage from Clint Eastwood’s Chrysler ad that ran during the Super Bowl ]
[ cut to Clint Eastwood ]
Clint Eastwood: The game is over, America! It ended two hours ago! While you were bitching about my commercial, we lost to Mexico by 30 points! You like that? “Te gusta losing,” numb nuts?! Remember how the Patriots let the Giants score the winning touchdown? We’re doing that with Mexico on every single drive! Just LETTIN’ them in our end zone! Take our jobs, and drive our Chryslers! These Mexicans are like my PANTS: I’ve had them up to HERE!
[ reveal wide shot of Eastwood with his pants up to his neck ]
Clint Eastwood: Anyway… check out the new Trojan vibrating massager! It’ll blow your hair back! [ he turns his head to the side to reveal his hair blown back ] I should know… I’m Batman!
[ cut to movie graphic, with SUPER: “The Dark Knight Rises, Summer 2012” ]
[ fade ]
SNL Transcripts: Zooey Deschanel: 02/11/12: Clint Eastwood Chrysler Ad II
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 37: Episode 14
Clint Eastwood Chrysler Ad II
Clint Eastwood…..Bill Hader
[ open on footage from Clint Eastwood’s Chrysler ad that ran during the Super Bowl ]
Clint Eastwood V/O: The clock’s winding down, America.
[ cut to Clint Eastwood ]
Clint Eastwood: It’s the Fourth Quarter, and there’s no time outs left! How do I know? [ cut to wide shot of Eastwood ] My pants get higher every quarter! If it’s the Fourth Quarter in America… that means it’s OVERTIME in China! And they got a BILLION people on their team! Plus: They own HALF our stadiums! How’d they get so far ahead? Because they WORK HARD! They’re not all sitting at home stroking it to some GoDaddy.com commercial! They’re busy making the jazzies you ride around in at DisneyWorld, ’cause you’re too FAT to walk! Well, good news, America. We got something they don’t: Chryslers! And we’re gonna drive them all over their damn field! Hey, Wang Chung! I hope you like eating tire! ‘Cause if a Chysler hits ya’, it’ll kill ya’! And, again — I don’t care WHO’S driving! Though I know it won’t be Gingrich, ’cause his FAT head won’t even fit in the fucking car!
This is an ad for Chrysler, right? Think again! [ he holds up a pizza box ] It’s for Little Caesars! Pizza pizza!
[ cut to Little Caesars Pizza graphic ]
[ fade ]
SNL Transcripts: Zooey Deschanel: 02/11/12: Clint Eastwood Chrysler Ad
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 37: Episode 14
Clint Eastwood Chrysler Ad
Clint Eastwood…..Bill Hader
[ open on footage from Clint Eastwood’s Chrysler ad that ran during the Super Bowl ]
Clint Eastwood V/O: During the Super Bowl, I said it was halftime for America. I said Motor City’s getting back on its feet. I tried to make an inspiring ad that would rally our country. But you dummies in the media thought it was about politics!
[ cut to Clint Eastwood ]
Clint Eastwood: Well, guess what?! Halftime’s over! We’re in the third quarter now, America, and we’re WAY behind! So I don’t care if Obama runs the ball, or Romney throws a touchdown, or Ron Paul kicks a field goal with his tiny little chicken legs! I’ll tell you right now, though — I ain’t putting Santorum in the game! He can stand on the sideline doing cheers in his little sweater vest! PUSSY!!
[ Eastwood glances off-camera ]
Clint Eastwood: What’s this commercial for, again? Alright. Chrysler! Get a Chrysler… and get off my damn lawn!
[ SUPER: “Chrysler. Imported From Detroit” ]
[ fade ]
SNL Transcripts: Zooey Deschanel: 02/11/12
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 37: Episode 14
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Air Date:Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:Cameos:Bit Players:
February 11th, 2012
Zooey Deschanel
Karmin
None
Jean Dujardin
Nicolas Cage
None Romney: Believe in America
Summary: From his home, Mitt Romney (Jason Sudeikis) discusses his recent dip in the primaries and how it’s all part of his plan to secure the Republican nomination for President by not peaking too soon.
Recurring Characters: Mitt Romney.
Transcript
Montage
Zooey Deschanel’s Monologue
Summary: Dressed for romance, Zooey Deschanel brings out her ukelele and sings “You Forgot it Was Valentine’s Day”.
Transcript
Clint Eastwood Chrysler AdSummary: Clint Eastwood (Bill Hader) is sidetracked from promoting Chrylser to clear up the media’s confusion as to the real intent of his message.
Recurring Characters: Clint Eastwood.
Transcript
Piers Morgan Tonight
Summary: Piers Morgan (Taran Killam) leads a discussion on MIA’s (Nasim Pedrad) controversial middle-finger salute while performing at the Super Bowl with Madonna (Kristen Wiig) and LMFAO (Jason Sudeikis, Fred Armisen).
Recurring Characters: Madonna.
Clint Eastwood Chrysler Ad IISummary: Clint Eastwood (Bill Hader) chastises America for not being as hard-working as China, then promotes Little Caesars Pizza.
Recurring Characters: Clint Eastwood.
Transcript
Les Jeunes de Paris
Summary: Francois (Taran Killam) competes with (Jean Dujardin) for (Zooey Deschanel) in a black-and-white spoof of “The Artist”.
Recurring Characters: Francois.
Daily PostSummary: Rapid-fire dialogue of newspaper editor (Jason Sudeikis) and former reporter (Kristen Wiig) flies over the normal-paced head of the new girl in the office (Zooey Deschanel).
Transcript
Clint Eastwood Chrysler Ad IIISummary: Clint Eastwood (Bill Hader) is annoyed that Mexico is taking over America, then promotes the new Trojan vibrating massager and “The Dark Knight Rises”.
Recurring Characters: Clint Eastwood.
Transcript
Karmin performs “Brokenhearted”
Weekend Update with Seth Meyers
Summary: Arianna Huffington (Nasim Pedrad) comments on recent women’s events in the news. “In the Cage”, Nicolas Cage (Andy Samberg) has created a clone (Nicolas Cage) of himself to help him realize his dream of appearing in every movie ever made.
Recurring Characters: Arianna Huffington, Nicolas Cage.
Transcript
Bein’ Quirky with Zooey Deschanel
Summary: From her kitchen, Zooey Deschanel (Abby Elliott) discusses quirky behavior with BFF Mary Kate Olsen (Zooey Deschanel), Michael Cera (Taran Killam), and Bjork (Kristen Wiig).
Recurring Characters: Michael Cera, Bjork.
Note: This sketch previously aired during the Dress Rehearsal from the episode hosted by Katy Perry.
Transcript
Verizon
Summary: An older man (Fred Armisen) wants to buy a cell phone, but he can’t comprehend the numerous weirdly-named options being pushed on him by the youthful salesman (Bill Hader).
Note: This ad parody previously aired during the Dress Rehearsal from the episode hosted by Katy Perry.
Transcript
Crab Blast 2012
Summary: Jolene (Kristen Wiig) and Wendy (Zooey Deschanel) promise the world’s tastiest crabs to their friends, but somehow forget to provide the much-lauded crabs.
Karmin performs “I Told You So”
We’re Gonna Make Technology Hump
Summary: Tech geeks Danielle (Zooey Deschanel) and Jacob (Andy Samberg) present videos of digital goods humping one another.
Recurring Characters: Jacob.
Victorian Ladies
Summary: Victorian-era spinsters (Kristen Wiig, Zooey Deschanel) exchange handwritten correspondence regarding their ill-fated romances with creepy men who linger at their windows.
GoodnightsTranscript
Dress Rehearsal Cuts
Memorial for GeorgeSummary: Mourner (Abby Elliott) sings a song in honor of the recently-deceased George.
Parenting ClassSummary: New parents learn the dos and don’ts of raising a new baby.
SNL Transcripts: Channing Tatum: 02/04/12: Super Bowl Promo
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 37: Episode 13
11m: Channing Tatum / Bon Iver
Super Bowl Promo
Director…..Bobby Moynihan
Al Michaels…..Jason Sudeikis
Cris Collinsworth…..Bill Hader
Dan Patrick…..Channing Tatum
Tony Dungy…..Jay Pharoah
Rodney Harrison…..Kenan Thompson
[ open on Director standing on set with Al Michaels, Cris Collinsworth, Dan Patrick, Tony Dungy, and Rodney Harrison ]
Director: Alright, looks like we’ve got the whole NBC football crew here — Al, Chris, Dan, Tony, and Rodney. Great to work with you guys.
The Guys: Good to be here! We’re very excited!
Director: Okay, this is just gonna be a QUICK promo that we’re gonna run on the bottom of the screen during NBC shows. You guys just act natural… and when you hear the NBC Football sting, just look up and smile.
The Guys: Alright! We got it! No problem!
Director: Alright! Well, here we go. Let’s just stack it together, guys. [ they all move closer to one another ] Alright. Annnnddd… acting casual, annnnndddd…
[ NBC Football sting pots up, as the guys look up stiffly and smirk-grin into the camera as the “NFL On NBC Super Bowl XLVI” logo zooms in ]
The Guys: That felt good! That felt good! Alright! Great!
Director: Okay. Alright. Well, that felt a little stiff. You know what, why don’t we get some conversation going? Uh, we’re not recording sound, so no one will hear what you’re saying… so just tslk about anything!
The Guys: Oh! Alright! Okay! Okay!
Dan Patrick: Man, I know they’re gonna run this promo all day.
Al Michaels: Absolutely!
Dan Patrick: TV… Internet… everywhere.
Tony Dungy: I LOVE the Internet! I saw the FUNNIEST thing on Youtube! It was this talking dog…
Rodney Harrison: Man, I LOVE Youtube! I just look up “How to breastfeed” all day, and I can watch it all day!
[ NBC Football sting finally pots up, as the guys look up stiffly and smirk-grin into the camera as the “NFL On NBC Super Bowl XLVI” logo zooms in ]
Guys: Alright! Yeah, there you go!
Director: Pretty good. Pretty good. We’re getting there. Let’s, uh, let’s just try it again!
[ the guys loosen themselves up ]
Al Michaels: Mmm-hmm.
Cris Collinsworth: Uh, good year for Eli Manning, huh?
Al Michaels: Yeah! Nice to have a little brother for once, huh?
Rodney Harrison: My little brother was always catching flak!
Dan Patrick: You know, I’m a younger brother. It’s tough, man.
Al Michaels: Ohhhhh.
Tony Dungy: Hey! My little brother was born with no mouth!
Al Michaels: Mmm — well, that must be hard.
Tony Dungy: Yeah… he doesn’t like to talk about it!
[ NBC Football sting finally pots up, as the guys look up stiffly and smirk-grin into the camera as the “NFL On NBC Super Bowl XLVI” logo zooms in ]
Guys: Alright!
Director: Great! That was great. You know what, though? Let’s just play around a little bit, huh? Get loose! Here’s a football! Just throw it around, have some fun!
Al Michaels: Alright! Here we go! Heads up! [ he tooses the football to Dan Patrick ]
Rodney Harrison: Hey, man, I wish I was STILL out there, man!
Cris Collinsworth: The action, the fans…
Dan Patrick: I’ll tell you what I miss — getting slapped on the ass by a 300-pound man.
[ the guys all laugh ]
[ NBC Football sting finally pots up, as the guys look up stiffly and smirk-grin into the camera as the “NFL On NBC Super Bowl XLVI” logo zooms in ]
Guys: Alright! Alright! Very good!
Director: Guys… you are NAILING this! Okay? Why don’t we just do a few in a row, just for good measure!
Al Michaels: Alright! Sounds great!
Cris Collinsworth: You know… last week, I found a hair this long growing out of the middle of my forehead!
Al Michaels: Really?
Cris Collinsworth: I pulled on it, and it was like my belly button got deeper!
[ NBC Football sting finally pots up, as the guys look up stiffly and smirk-grin into the camera as the “NFL On NBC Super Bowl XLVI” logo zooms in ]
Guys: Nice! Alright! Alright!
Al Michaels: You know, one of my balls never came down! [ the guys groan ] Yeah! It’s still up in my body!
[ NBC Football sting finally pots up, as the guys look up stiffly and smirk-grin into the camera as the “NFL On NBC Super Bowl XLVI” logo zooms in ]
[ clapping his hands ] Okay! We’ve got it! That was fantastic! I think we’re done.
[ the guys are somewhat disappointed that the shoot’s over ]
Rodney Harrison: You know what? let’s get some DRINKS up in here! [ he grabs a bottle of Jack Daniels ] Y’all need a glass?
[ Rodney chugs from the bottle, as the screen cuts to snow, then comes up on Brian Williams delivering the evening news ]
Brian Williams: We’re back with a controversial question tonight: Can you be diagnosed with grief? And, more than that, should you be given a pill for it?
[ NBC Football sting finally pots up, as the promo rises from the bottom right corner of the screen, the guys look up stiffly and smirk-grin into the camera as the “NFL On NBC Super Bowl XLVI” logo zooms in ]
[ fade, as Williams continues to deliver the news ]
SNL Transcripts: Channing Tatum: 02/04/12: Newt Gingrich: Moon President
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 37: Episode 13
11m: Channing Tatum / Bon Iver
Newt Gingrich: Moon President
Newt Gingrich…..Bobby Moynihan
Callista Gingrich…..Kristen Wiig
Reagatron 3000…..Bill Hader
Little Girl…..Nasim Pedrad
Herman Cain…..Kenan Thompson
Guards…..Taran Killam, Jay Pharoah
Mitt Romney…..Jason Sudeikis
Announcer: [ over scroll ] The year 2014 is a time of turmoil for America. Comfortably serving his second term, President Barack Obama no longer hides his socialist agenda.
The unemployment rate skyrockets and foreign armies gather their forces for an attack.
Chaos reigns. But from the darkness, a visionary emerges and leads a group of pioneers to pursue a better future in space. He is…”
[ graphic flies forward ]
“Newt Gingrich: Moon President”.
[ dissolve to Moon Gingrich staring at the Earth from his space station on the moon ]
[ SUPER: “Moon 2014” ]
Newt Gingrich: Callista! Callista, come see how pretty the Earth looks.
Callista Gingrich: Oh, Newt… you need to forget about the Earth. You have the people of the Moon colony to lead now.
Newt Gingrich: Oh, you’re right… you’re right. Where’s my trusted robot advisor — the Reagatron 3000?
[ a robot designed in Ronald Reagan’s likeness enters ]
Reagatron 3000: Reagatron 3000, at your service.
Newt Gingrich: And what is on today’s Moon agenda?
Reagatron 3000: Well… the little girl who won the… Miss Moon Pageant is here for a photo.
Newt Gingrich: Oh! Wonderful! Send her in!
Little Girl: [ running in ] Hello, Moon President Newt Gingrich!
Newt Gingrich: And what do you do, little girl?
Little Girl: I go to school!
Newt Gingrich: And when you’re not at school?
Little Girl: I work as a janitor at the school — per your moon decree!
Newt Gingrich: You know, on Earth they thought the idea of student janitors was crazy. I guess thats why they didnt want me to be their president.
Little Girl: The people of South Carolina wanted you to be president!
Newt Gingrich: Not all of America is as forward-thinking as South Carolina,
[ they lean closer and smile for a camera ]
Little Girl: A good Moon to you!
Newt Gingrich: And may divorce be with you.
[ the little girl rushes off, as Herman Cain saunters in ]
Herman Cain: Mr. Moon President?
Newt Gingrich: Vice-Admiral Herman Cain!
[ they share a secret handshake ]
Together: Blast-off!!
Herman Cain: Yeah, the latest shuttle of refugees from Earth arrived, and we found a stowaway!
Newt Gingrich: A stowaway?
Herman Cain: [ signals guards to bring the stowaway in ] Yeah. At first we thought it was a woman, but… [ he rips the stowaway’s wig off to reveal: ]
Newt Gingrich: Mitt Romney!
Mitt Romney: Yes! Yes, it’s me!
Newt Gingrich: Vice-Admiral Cain, leave me and Mr. Romney alone.
Herman Cain: Very well. I shall return to “inspecting craters”, if you know what I mean. [ he chuckles heartily ]
Newt Gingrich: Very well.
Herman Cain: Do you know what I mean?
Newt Gingrich: I do.
Herman Cain: I mean, not like moon crater craters…
Newt Gingrich: Vice-Admiral!!
Herman Cain: Alright!
[ Herman Cain rushes out ]
Newt Gingrich: It’s a surprise to see you here, Mitt. As I recall, you found the idea of a moon colony silly back in 2012.
Mitt Romney: Ohhhh, Newt, we were all wrong! Ever since you left Earth, it’s been a nightmare! Please forgive me, and let me work in your ad-moon-istration.
Newt Gingrich: I’m just supposed to believe that you’ve just completely changed your position?
Mitt Romney: Well, it wouldn’t be the first time!
[ they share the laugh ]
Reagatron 3000: [ edging in ] Are you my robot father?
Mitt Romney: Ah, don’t be silly! I’m not a robot, I’m a human man.
Reagatron 3000: Liar!
[ the Reagatron 3000 moves away, as Herman Cain rushes back in ]
Herman Cain: Sir! We received a communication from Earth that Iran and North Korea have launched nuclear weapons! And just as you so wisely predicted that they would! Also — when I said “craters” earlier, I meant “ladies butts”!
Mitt Romney: [ getting it ] Ohhhhh!
Callista Gingrich: [ pointing ] Oh, no! Look!
[ they all watch as the Earth suddenly explodes into two halves, the upper half still hanging in space as the lower half drops from the solar system ]
Mitt Romney: Now what?
Newt Gingrich: There’s no reason we can’t start a newer, better civilization here on the Moon!
Reagatron 3000: There is one problem, Mr. Moon President: Of the 13,000 colonists, only 200 are men.
Newt Gingrich: Curses! That ratio is no good!
Herman Cain: Yeah, ’cause, see, the most I can handle is about 5, maybe 6, at a time. Yeah… more than that, Herman gets in trouble!
Callista Gingrich: There is one solution?
Newt Gingrich: What is it, Callista?
Callista Gingrich: What if we stay married, but you had sex with other women?
Newt Gingrich: [ intrigued ] An open marriage? What man would ever ask for such a thing?
Callista Gingrich: Why not? [ close-up aside ] It’s a perfectly reasonable request for a man to ask of his wife!
Newt Gingrich: Thank you. And so it shall be! The Moon is our future, and it has EVERYTHING we need! Humanity is saved, and I shall lead them! [ close-up aside ] I’m Newt Gingrich, and I approved this crazy-ass fantasy! [ he winks ] And “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Niiiight!”
SNL Transcripts: Channing Tatum: 02/04/12: Channing Tatum’s Monologue
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 37: Episode 13
11m: Channing Tatum / Bon Iver
Channing Tatum’s Monologue
…..Channing Tatum
Big Ronnie…..Kenan Thompson
Denise…..Kristen Wiig
Bridget…..Vanessa Bayer
Husband…..Taran Killam
Lesley…..Fred Armisen
Doctor…..Andy Samberg
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Channing Tatum!
Channing Tatum: Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you! It is great to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live”! I still can’t believe that I am here. It is such an honor to be on this stage, especially considering my first job in show business was as a male stripper. [ the female audience members shriek ] That may sound like a joke, but… it’s true: I really was a stripper for a year before I became an actor.
So, real quick… the ground rules for tonight ARE:
1. No touching. I can touch you; you can’t touch me. [ the female audience members whoo ]
2. Tips are appreciated. The only reason I’m hosting this show is to put myself through nursing school.
3. For my safety, Big Ronnie here will be with me all night long.
[ Big Ronnie steps out and gives the stinkeye toward the audience ]
Big Ronnie: You okay, Channing?
Channing Tatum: I’m alright, Ronnie. Thank you very much.
Big Ronnie: Alright. [ pointing toward the audience ] I’m watching you! [ he steps away ]
Channing Tatum: But you know what? Look — I’m not ashamed of my past. I loved stripping. I loved my customers. [ women in the audience whoo some more, as he looks toward them ] Wait… in fact… Denise?! Is that you?!
[ cut to Denise, who frowns at the recognition ]
Denise: [ laughing ] Wha-a-a-at? No!
Channing Tatum: Denise, come on! It’s ME! Chan! I used to give you a lap dance, like, once a week.
Denise: [ chuckling embarrassedly ] No! I think you have me confused with someone else! I don’t go to strip clubs. I sit home and I pray.
Channing Tatum: Hmm… well, I guess I was wrong. Anyways… this has been such an exciting — [ he glances into the audience again ] Okay! Okay, now definitely — I know YOU! Bridget!
[ cut to an embarrassed Bridget sitting with her husband ]
Bridget: Uh… uh, no! No, you don’t! Uh — I mean, my name is Bridget, but I’m… I’m just a stranger, and I’m here with my husband! [ she signals Tatum to let it go, as her husband waves ]
Channing Tatum: Nope! It’s YOU! It’s definitely you. We used to call you “Filthy Bridget” because of all the filthy things you’d ask for…
Husband: [ irked ] Excuse me, sir! My wife is not filthy! [ proudly ] I’ll have you know we haven’t had sex in TEN years!
[ Bridget secretly winks at Tatum ]
Channing Tatum: My mistake. Uh… wait! Oh, my God… Is that Lesley? Lesley Burns?!
[ cut to Lesley, a man, wide-eyed and confused ]
Lesley: What’s that? I’m sorry?
Channing Tatum: Lesley! Thank you so much for coming, man! [ to the audience ] Guys! Guys! Lesley was my absolute BEST customer! I mean, he came in every night, and most days…
Lesley: [ shaking his head ] No. That’s not me.
Channing Tatum: Oh… come on. What, are you telling me you don’t remember this?
[ the band pulls out something nice and slow, as Tatum begins to do a slow grind on stage ]
Lesley: [ uncomfortable ] No, uh… no, it doesn’t ring a bell…
Channing Tatum: No? What about this?
[ Tatum turns to one side and lets his butt and abs shake in rhythm with each other ]
Lesley: [ wiping the sweat from his forehead and cheeks ] Not sure yet, but, uh… you should keep trying.
Channing Tatum: Oh, yeah? Well… what about this? [ he shimmies, then rips his shirt off ] What about NOW, Lesley?! What about now?
[ cut to Lesley passed out in his seat as a doctor examines him ]
Doctor: This man is dead! He died happy.
Channing Tatum: Dr. Matthews?
Doctor: Uhhhhh… no! [ he makes a gagging sound and pulls himself away by his own collar ]
Channing Tatum: We have a great show for you tonight! Bon Iver is here! So stick around, we’ll be right back!
SNL Transcripts: Channing Tatum: 02/04/12: Goodnights
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 37: Episode 13
11m: Channing Tatum / Bon Iver
Goodnights
…..Channing Tatum
Channing Tatum: A big thanks to Bon Iver! The cast, the crew, Lorne, the band! Happy Birthday, Mama! What’s up, Dad! Jen, I love you! What’s going on! Whoo!