For Die Hard Saturday Night Live Fans
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 36: Episode 18
Goodnights
…..Elton John
Elton John: Thank you, everyone! Thank you and happy birthday to Leon Russell! [ Leon Russell doesn’t move an inch or show any visible signs of recognition as John pats his shoulder ] Carmelo Anthony! Will Forte! Jake Gyllenhaal! [ the live feed cuts off ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 36: Episode 18
KY Jelly Ladies Shot Put Championship 1985
Pete Twinkle…..Jason Sudeikis
Greg Stink…..Will Forte
Charlotte Ft. Worth…..Kristen Wiig
Carmela St. Knix…..Carmelo Anthony
Steve Stink…..Tom Hanks
[ open on ESPN Classic logo ]
Announcer: You’re watching ESPN Classic.
Pete Twinkle V/O: If you LOVE Track & Field, but hate the running and jumping parts — you’re in the right place! It’s the KY Jelly Ladies Shot Put Championship!
[ cut to commentators Pete Twinkle and Greg Stink at the booth ]
Pete Twinkle: Good morning! I’m Pete Twinkle, and seated next to me, providing GREAT color commentary — and, man is this guy a FANTASTIC dogsitter — it’s Greg Stink! How you doing, Greg?
Greg Stink: [ nasally ] I’m great, Pete! I recently broke my chin-up record, and today I JUST got pre-approved for a Mastercard!
Pete Twinkle: [ laughing ] Sounds like you’re living the dream, buddy!
Greg Stink: Ho ho, I sure am!
Pete Twinkle: [ laughing ] Alright! Well, why don’t we meet tonight’s players? Up first, we got crafty veteran Charlotte Fort. Worth!
[ reveal Charlotte stretching her arm ]
Pete Twinkle: There she is. Now, it looks like she’s stretching out that shoulder. Now, she tore her rotator cuff last month. How long does it take for something like that to heal?
Greg Stink: [ enthusiastic ] Yeah! How long DOES it take for something like that to heal!
Pete Twinkle: No, no, Greg — I was asking you.
Greg Stink: Ho, ho! you’re asking me?!
Pete Twinkle: Yeah! Any questions I ask are coming right at you, buddy!
Greg Stink: And any questions I ask are coming right back at you!
Pete Twinkle: [ laughing ] That’s a deal! Alright, well, Ft. Worth will be going up against the heavy favorite — Carmela St. Knix!
[ reveal Carmela combing her hair ]
Pete Twinkle: Aw, look at this! My, oh my! What a body! She used to live in Denver, and what an athlete she is! An amazing physical specimen, she stands 6’8″ tall — Greg, does her height give her any kind of an advantage?
Greg Stink: Oh… well, sure! If she’s trying to find someone in a crowd…
Pete Twinkle: Mmm-hmm.
Greg Stink: Or if she’s at a movie sitting behind someone wearing an Abraham Lincoln hat.
Pete Twinkle: No, no, no, buddy! No, I’m sorry about that. No — I’m asking if her height’s an advantage in the SHOT PUT!
Greg Stink: [ laughing ] And what is a shot put?
Pete Twinkle: Oh, boy! Greg Stink. You gotta love this guy! Hey, you know what else you gotta love? Our sponsor! KY Jelly! “No foreplay today? Hey, that’s okay! KY Jelly!” Now, Greg, in terms of distance… what’s the goal here for these ladies?
Greg Stink: Well, if the average man is around five inches, then, for a maximum pleasure, you’re just gonna want to put it all the way in!
Pete Twinkle: No, no! No, no, no, Greg! [ laughing ] Greg! Buddy! No, no, that’s MY fault, fella! no, I wasn’t asking about the distance goal using a FINE product like KY Jelly! I was asking about how far they would like to throw the shot.
Greg Stink: Well, 49… 70…
Pete Twinkle: Well, 70 what, buddy?
Greg Stink: [ laughing ] Oh, I don’t know!
Pete Twinkle: Okay! I’ll tell you what, folks — he’s not always right, but he’s never quite wrong. You know what else isn’t wrong? Using KY Jelly! “Protect her from your girth, with the greatest lube on Earth! KY Jelly!” Alright, it looks like Charlotte is in the circle and ready to trow!
[ Charlotte Ft. Worth throws her shot and screams ]
Pete Twinkle: There it is! Oh, that’s amazing! Look at this! Whoa, what a toss! That looked like about 23 metres and she is trying out a new dance called The Running Man! So impressive, so impressive! Hey, let’s get close to the action and check in with our sideline reporter — Greg, now you KNOW this guy!
Greg Stink: Yeah, it’s my brother Steve!
Pete Twinkle: Alright, well, Steve Stink, thanks for joining us!
[ reveal Steve Stink on the sidelines ]
Steve Stink: Well, Pete, it’s GREAT to be here! Yeah! Yeah! Greg! Hey, Greg! You forgot your lunch at home, but, don’t worry, I brought it for you! [ he holds up a lunch sack ]
Greg Stink: Ho, ho, ho! Thanks, Steve! What’s it looking like down there?
Steve Stink: Well — [ he looks at the sack lunch ] it’s a brown bag and it has your name on it, uh — and I think there’s food inside for you to eat!
Pete Twinkle: No, hold on! Hold on, Steve! I think your brother’s asking what the competition looks like!
Greg Stink: No, actually, I WAS asking about that lunch!
Pete Twinkle: [ laughing ] My mistake! Okay, now, Steve — a 23-metre throw. That’s impressive, right?
Steve Stink: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, it sure is! You know, Ft. Worth is off to a great start! She is absoutely in her comfort zone. You know, speaking of comfort zones — “KY Jelly! When you’re seeing sparks, where your penis parks! KY Jelly!” Back to you!
Pete Twinkle: Alright! Thank you, Steve! Thank you very much! Hey, speaking of KY Jelly — “Make a little room for Paco, put some sauce on that taco! [ extended pause ] KY Lubricant Jelly!” Alright, looks like Carmela is stepping into the circle! Let’s check out the action!
[ Carmela St. Knix warms up ]
Pete Twinkle: Alright, she’s just getting a little warmed up there… here it comes. She’s picking out her ball. Looks like she’s getting ready to throw, though — here is comes, any second now. [ she throws her shot ] Oh, boy! Oh, wow, that’s a wild throw!
[ the shot knocks Steve Stink in the head ]
Pete Twinkle: Oh, no! And she is NOT happy! Here comes that St. Knix temper! Oh! She just crushed a shot put with he bare hands!
Greg Stink: Hold on there, I’ve gotta correct you, Pete! She doesn’t have bear hands, she has HUMAN hands! And people don’t really say “bear hands”, the say “paws”.
Pete Twinkle: Alright, duly noted. Duly noted. Hey, Steve! You alright down there?
Steve Stink: No, no, no… I-I’m freaked out… I just heard there was a bear around here… or a human with bear hands. Either way, I’m getting the hell out of here!
[ Steve Stink runs off ]
Pete Twinkle: Alright, okay! Thanks, buddy! Greg, you and your brother sure are two peas in a pod!
Greg Stink: Yeah!
Pete Twinkle: I really, really like the guy.
Greg Stink: Well, we spend a lot of time together. In fact, we just got back form a little trip to Vegas.
Pete Twinkle: Oh, yeah?! Where’d you stay?
Greg Stink: Circus Circus! They’be got the loosest slots!
Pete Twinkle: Hey! speaking of loose slots — KY Jelly! We’ll be right back!
[ fade ]
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SNL Transcripts: Elton John: 04/02/11 ]]>
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 36: Episode 18
]]>
Amazon.com Widgets
Air Date:Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:Cameos:Bit Players:
April 2nd, 2011
Elton John
Elton John
None
Will Forte
Carmelo Anthony
Tom Hanks
Lorne Michaels
Leon Russell
Jake Gyllenhaal
None The Lawrence Welk Show
Summary: Confirmed bachelor Frances Lynn Mulge (Elton John) enjoys singing and dancing with musical sisters (Abby Elliott, Nasim Pedrad, Vanessa Bayer), but is grossed out by their tiny-handed sister Dooneese (Kristen Wiig).
Recurring Characters: Lawrence Welk, Shirley, Nancy, Dooneese.
Montage
Elton John’s Monologue
Summary: Elton John depracatingly jokes about his new life as a gay father.
Transcript
KY Jelly Ladies Shot Put Championship 1985Summary: Commentators Pete Twinkle (Jason Sudeikis), Greg Stink (Will Forte), and sideline commentator Steve Stink (Tom Hanks) keep the KY jelly sponsorship coming in lieu of focusing on shot put match between Charlotte Ft. Worth (Kristen Wiig) and Carmela St. Knix (Carmelo Anthony).
Recurring Characters: Greg Stink, Pete Twinkle.
Transcript
Knights of the Realm
Summary: Elton John leads a ragtag group of knighted British celebrities in an effort to rid England of a dragon invasion.
Recurring Characters: Richard Branson, Michael Caine, Bono, Sir Mix-A-Lot, Ringo Starr.
Transcript
An SNL Digital Short
Summary: Andy Samberg and Bill Hader kidnap Wilson the volleyball in order to secure Tom Hanks’ sponsorship for “Laser Cats: The Musical”, in which the boys utilize a shrink ray to defeat the evil Droz (Elton John).
Elton John and Leon Russell perform “Hey Ahab”
Weekend Update with Seth Meyers
Summary: Muammer Kaddafi (Fred Armisen). Zookeeper Barry Lewis (Kenan Thompson). Nicolas Cage (Andy Samberg).
Recurring Characters: Muammer Kaddafi, Nicolas Cage.
Royal Engagement
Summary: Queen Elizabeth (Fred Armisen) and Prince Philip (Bill Hader) try to coerce Elton John into performing their musical selections at Prince William’s (Andy Samberg) upcoming wedding.
Recurring Characters: Queen Elizabeth II, Prince Philip, Prince William.
The Silver Screen
Summary: Gay classic film buffs (Taran Killam, Elton John) bicker while interviewing Vanessa Hudgens (Nasim Pedrad).
The Old West
Summary: Gay cowboy (Elton John) only has eyes for a fellow cowboy (Jason Sudeikis), but fails to reciprocate interest.
Elton John and Leon Russell performs “Monkey Suit”
GoodnightsTranscript
Dress Rehearsal Cuts
Club FunSummary: Former bad locations are now being promoted as fun vacation hot spots.
Space VoyageSummary: Space captain (Jason Sudeikis) is unable to defend against enemy attack because he’s busy squabbling with his wife (Abby Elliott) over a misunderstanding.
Perspectives Photo Studios
Summary: Spokesman (Jason Sudeikis) promotes the trick photography techniques that makes men’s penises look larger for cell phone photo submissions.
Note: This sketch will air on next week’s episode hosted by Helen Mirren.
Fox & Friends
Summary: Fox’s morning pundits Steve Doocy (Taran Killam), Gretchen Carlson (Vanessa Bayer) and Brian Kilmeade (Bobby Moynihan) make random political statements that have to be researched by their fact-checker (Fred Armisen).
Note: This sketch will air on next week’s episode hosted by Helen Mirren.
Kohl’s Dressing RoomSummary: Two women (Vanessa Bayer, Elton John) try on different clothes in order to please their boyfriends (Paul Brittain, Jason Sudeikis).
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 36: Episode 17
10q: Zach Galifianakis / Jessie J
Noodles
Dad…..Zach
Mom…..Kristen Wiig
Daughter #1…..Nasim Pedrad
Daughter #2…..Abby Elliott
Son…..Bobby Moynihan
Dr. Franks…..Bill Hader
Voice of Noodles…..Kenan Thompson
[ open on interior, family room ]
Dad: Uh, Trish, uh, I think we need to tell the kids about the dog.
Mom: You’re right, but let’s be gentle about it. Noodles was part of this family.
Dad: Of course. [ calling ] Hey, gang!
[ the kids come running in and take their seats on the couch ]
Dad: You kids okay? Um… You probably have been wondering where Noodles is.
Daughter #1: Is he having a treat?
Daughter #2: Is he at the dog park?
Son: He’s still alive, I’m sure.
Dad: Kids… sometimes when dogs get a little older… moms and dads… send them away to a nice farm.
Mom: And that’s what we did with Noodles. He’s at a big farm upstate, with lots of dogs to play with. And, hey — remember how Noodles… loved avocadoes?
Kids: Yeah!
Mom: Okay! Well, he’s on this farm, and they’ve got avocadoes growing on every tree!
Son: Oh, wow!
Daughter #2: I’m gonna miss him, but… I’m glad he’s happy.
Daughter #1: [ suspicious ] Wait a minute… you said the farm was upstate?
Mom: Uh, yeah.
Daughter #1: Well… unless New York State has undergone some kind of drastic climate shift, I doubt you’d find avocado trees there. Where’s Noodles?
Son & Daughter #2: Yeah, where’s Noodles?!
Mom: [ whispering ] Honey, try something else.
Dad: Okay, kids… Noodles is in doggie heaven. There’s lots of other dogs there, and… remember how he loved Aunt Rita?
Kids: Yeah?
Dad: Well… [ struggling ] She’s there to give them treats.
Son: Huh. But… why is Aunt Rita in doggie heaven?
Dad: Because God wants you to look like a dog. [ the kids eye him suspiciously ] Let me — let me just start over. Uhhh… [ he takes Mom’s hand and thinks ] Noodles was attacked by a bear.
Mom: [ whispering ] What?
Dad: I’m sorry! I panicked!
Daughter #1: What kind of bear? And it’d better be indignious to New York State!
Dad: [ crying ] It was! It was a panda bear!
Daughter #1: [ sternly ] What happened to Noodles?
Daughter #2: Yeahhh, what happened to Noodles?
Son: What happened to Noodles!
Mom: Noodles was killed by the Latin Kings.
Daughter #1: [ annoyed ] The Latin Kings haven’t been active in this area for YEARS!
Son: Yeah, uh… yeah!
Mom: [ whispering to Dad ] You take it.
Dad: Okay… [ thinking ] Noodles hung himself.
Daughter #1: [ aggravated ] He would NEVER hang himself! He had TOO much to live for!
Dad: He didn’t mean to hang himself, he was just —
Mom: Honey, you CAN’T Tell them!
Dad: The truth… MUST come out.
[ the kids scream for Dad to finally be honest ]
Dad: HE WAS CHOKING HIMSELF WHILE MASTURBATING!!! OKAY?!! ARE YOU HAPPY?!!
[ the kinds are stunned into silence ]
Dad: It was the ONLY way he could CLIMAX!! He would tighten his collar and LICK himself DRY!! And it went too far!!
Mom: Honey, let me, let me… [ solemn music pots up ] Kids… it’s called autoerotic asphysixation. It’s when a person or dog intensifies the thrill of masturbation by strangling himself. Sometimes they go a little far with the strangling. That’s what happened to Noodles.
Dad: It’s true. We found this dog porn magazine next to him. [ he holds up an issue of Puggs, then gives it a curious glance before putting it back down ] But… hey, even though Noodles died that way, we still do love him. Right?
Kids: Yeah…
[ Dr. Franks enters, carrying Noodles ]
Dr. Franks: Hello. I’m Dr. Franks from the vet’s office. Good news, everyone! We hought Noodles was dead, but he was just… in a coma! Anyway… here he is!
[ Dr. Franks hands Noodles over to the kids, who immediately gush over him ]
Mom: Oh! Kids, go play with Noodles!
Daughter #1: Maybe later…
Son: Yeah, I don’t know if I like him in my lap.
Noodles V/O: Ah, I suspected! I know you know what I’m doing. I know you think I’m a freak.
Dad: Noodles? Please know we would, we would never judge you.
Noodles V/O: Oh, I know! Only God can judge Noodles! You know… this family’s been through a lot today. So why don’t I do a little number to cheer everyone up?
[ music pots up, as Noodles sings “Luck Be a Lady” to fade ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 36: Episode 17
10q: Zach Galifianakis / Jessie J
Zach Galifianakis’s Monologue
…..Zach Galifianakis
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Zach Galifianakis!
Zach Galifianakis: Thank you, thank you, thank you! Thank you very much, thank you. Thank you. Please be quiet! It’s great to be back hosting “Saturday Night Live”. All week, I was thinking to myself: “Don’t screw this up, Fatty.” That was actually a text from my mother.
I’ll never forget what my grandmother said right before she passed away. She said to me right before she passed away, she said to me, she said: “What are you doing?”
My neighbor — I ran into my neighbor, and he said, “Hey, uh, I hear you’re on the TV sometimes. Why don’t you say something about me on the TV?” [ he turns for a close-up ] STOP stealing my tomatoes!
I have a lot of exciting things coming up. Uh, next week, uh — I’ll be at Long John Silver’s. And, in April, I’ll be babysitting my sister’s kids via Skype.
I also have a DVD of my stand-up, and it’s selling like… whatever the opposite of hotcakes is.
I wear a lot of Axe body spray. But I live in a black neighborhood — it’s called Ask body spray. And, if you don’t get that joke… then, you’re not racist.
[ the audience eats it up as he turns to acknowledge a Black musician in the band ]
The only time it’s good to yell out “I have diarrhea!” is when you’re playing Scrabble. Because it’s worth a crapload of points.
This show has a lot of characters in it. I’ve been doing a lot of, uh, characters over the years, and I’d like to showcase a few characters I’ve been working on. This first character is called the Redneck Who Orders Stuff at Convenience Stores Very Masculine-Like, But Cannot Order One of the Products Very Masculinely. Here we go: [ deep-voiced ] “Uh, yeah — can I get some beef jerky… some, uh, Copenhagen… a foot-long corn dog… and some, uh… [ high-pitched voice ] Skittles!”
This next character is called The Guy From Queens Who’s Obsessed With Cargo Shorts. Here we go: [ tough-guy accent ] “What are those, cargo shorts?”
This next character — this next character is called… [ he approaches a woman in the audience and leans casually upon her chair ] The Worst Bragger in the World: “So, uh, yeah… I was french-kissing my brother the other night…”
[ he returns to Home Base ]
THank you. Um… the jokes are done. And I want to talk about now, um — there’s a lot of issues going on, and, uh, in the country right now, in the United States, and I think it’s… very important for us a country to look forward to the future. [ he removes his jacket ] Because, uh… there’s always a tomorrow. Music, please.
[ he finishes removing his clothes to reveal a Little Orphan Annie costume, then begins to lip-synch to “Tomorrow” ]
[ as he lip-synchs, he tears sheets from an easel to reveal the following series of messages: ]
[ “THE SUN WILL COME OUT TOMORROW” ]
[ “I SURE HOPE SO” ]
[ “MARRIAGE SHOULD BE BETWEEN A MAN AND A WOMAN” ]
[ “…OR BETWEEN TWO MEN WHO LIKE TO GO ANTIQUING” ]
[ “THANKS FOR THE APPLAUSE” ]
[ the audience applauds ]
[ “I WAS BULLIED AS A TEENAGER” ]
[ “BY FIRST GRADERS” ]
[ “LOOK AT ME NOW” ]
[ HE SKIPS AROUND THE STAGE ]
[ “CLAP IF YOU ENDORSE LEGALIZED MARIJUANA” ]
[ the audience applauds wildly ]
[ “I’M ASHAMED OF THIS AUDIENCE” ]
[ “THERE SHOULD HAVE BEEN A LOT MORE CLAPPING” ]
[ “I SMOKE SO MUCH POT SOMETIMES I FORGET TO SMOKE IT” ]
[ “IRAN, IRAQ & NORTH IKEA…” ]
[ “WHAT TO DO?” ]
[ “DUKAKIS 2012” ]
[ glitter falls down as the audience cheers ]
[ he tears one more sheet from the easel: ]
[ “LOOKS LIKE FATTY DID OK” ]
Zach Galifianakis: we’ve got a great show! Hoobastank is here! No? Not again? [ he shrugs ] Jessie J is here! We’ll be right back!
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 36: Episode 17
10q: Zach Galifianakis / Jessie J
Selection Sunday
Greg Gumbel…..Kenan Thompson
Jim Nantz…..Jason Sudeikis
Tracy Wilson…..Nasim Pedrad
Muammar Gaddafi…..Fred Armisen
Dick Vitale…..Andy Samberg
Melissa Leo…..Kristen Wiig
Charlie Sheen…..Bill Hader
Announcer: It’s Selection Sunday on CBS!
[ dissolve to sports desk ]
Greg Gumbel: Well, it’s March! That means it’s time for March Madness! Hello, I’m Greg Gumbel. And ‘ve been rockin’ this room since 1981!
Jim Nantz: And I’m Jim Nantz. [ whispering ] Golf whisper!
Greg Gumbel: Tonight, we’re unveiling the BRACKETS! Not for March Madness, but for ACTUAL madness!
Jim Nantz: That’s right! It’s the tournament to determine who’s the CRAZIEST person… in the world. We’ve got four regions of craziness, but let’s start with North Africa.
[ reveal bracket ]
Greg Gumbel: In a bracket that is dominated with ruthless dictators, and leading the insanity is Number One seed Muammar Gaddafi.
Jim Nantz: Gadaffi, the heavy favorite so far, is stepping up his game, come tourney time, with a full-scale civil war.
Greg Gumbel: And just LOOK at the guy — it’s like Tony Shalhoub had a baby with E.T.
Jim Nantz: [ chuckling ] Let’s check in with sideline reporter Tracy Wilson, who’s with Moammar right now.
[ cut to Tracy Wilson interview Gaddafi amid ruins ]
Tracy Wilson: President Gaddafi… first NUmber One seed since 1988. Must feel good!
Muammer Gaddafi: Oh, I’m PUMPED, baby! But this was a TEAM effort. There’s no “I” in “Gadaffi” — depending on the spelling! Sometimes there’s a “Y”… sometimes there’s, like, FIVE “I”s. [ he laughs heartily ] But I’m going ALL THE WAY this year! It’s WIN… or get assassinated! [ he laughs meekly ] BOO-YAH!!
Tracy Wilson: Gotta love that confidence! Back to you guys!
[ return to the sports desk ]
Jim Nantz: Mmm… President Gaddaffi, a fat sleepy baby in a pile of blankets!
Greg Gumbel: [ impressed ] Oh… alright. Let’s move on to the Washington, D.C. madness bracket. We’ve got stiff competition, with Michelle Bachmann going up against Keith Olbermann, in what’s sure to be a battle of creepy eyes versus creepy mouth. And Number One seed Glenn Beck is going up against New York congressman Peter King, who was generating a lot of BUZZ pre-tournament. To help bring it down is the wacky uncle of college basketball — Dick Vitale!
[ cut to Dick Vitale ranting and raving ]
Dick Vitale: It’s a Cinderella story, baby!! Representative Peter King is coming out of nowhere with his radical Islam hearing!! It’s the Salem Witch Trials, baby!! Is he special?! I man, is he special?! IS HE SPECIAL?!! Ohhhhhh, I ask a lot of rhetorical questions, baby!
[ Greg Gumbel chuckles to himself ]
Jim Nantz: You’re the best, Dick!
Dick Vitale: I hope this tournament NEVER ends! Because, when it does, they put me BACK IN THE FREEZERRRRRR!!! DIPSY-DOO DUNK-A-ROO!!
[ return to the sports desk, as Gumbel chuckles to himself ]
Jim Nantz: Hmm… it’s like Stanley Tucci snorted Adderall.
[ the two men shake hands at a joke well done ]
Greg Gumbel: Finally! Let’s look at what might be the MOST competitive bracket of all — the Hollywood division!
Jim Nantz: ALWAYS the most entertaining bracket! And it starts with a playing game between aspiring hot mess Melissa Leo, and seasoned disaster Coutney Love. In fact, let’s go LIVE now to an EMPTY Kodak Theater, where Melissa Leo is preparing for the tournament by continuing her Oscar acceptance speech.
[ cut to Melissa Leo holding her Oscar ]
Melissa Leo: [ choking up ] I’m not done! And it’s about the work! And it’s about the craft! And it’s about SELLING MOVIES!! [ she takes a bite off the top of her Oscar statuette and screams ]
[ return to sports desk ]
Jim Nantz: [ chuckling ] Oh, boy! I like her chances! The winner will take on heavy favorite Charlie Sheen. But don’t count out the 3-seed — Nick Cage! — who ALWAYS looks like he just witnessed a murder. In the past year, he’s been in “The Sorceror’s Apprentice”, “Season of the Witch”, and “Drive Angry: 3D”. That is just an EPIC run of nonsense.
Greg Gumbel: It sure is! But I still like 2-seed Mel Gibson, seen her in disguise as an undercover Wilfred Brimley. [ reveal file photo ] But there’s no question that Charlie Sheen is the frontrunner here, driving the Crazy TRain at full throttle!
Jim Nantz: The fear with Sheen is: Has he peaked too soon? I mean, he’s done in two weeks what it’s taken Michael Jackson fifteen years to do!
Greg Gumbel: It’d be great to hear Sheen’s thoughts! [ pressing his ear ] Wha… what? Oh, he as a 24/7 webcast!
Jim Nantz: Let’s check in with Charlie Sheen.
[ cut to Charlie Sheen speaking into webcam ]
Charlie Sheen: My point is… I don’t need two-and-a-half trolls. Because Bartholomew and I — [ he holds up a stick figure ] are starting our own show! It’s called “Winner, Winner, Chicken Dinner”, and it’s gonna be epic — EP-IIIIIC!! [ he holds the stick figure to his ear ] What’s that? I can’t say that, they’ll think I’m crazy. Okay. [ to the camera ] The pyramids were built by the Wayans Brothers.
[ return to the anchors applauding at the sports desk ]
Jim Nantz: Oh, man! That guy’s the best! The best!
Greg Gumbel: That guy is a sloppy bucket of crazy!
Jim Nantz: Mmm-hmm! Let’s take a break to hear from our sponsors — Four Loko and AK-47s. When we return, we’ll break down the Middle East bracket and we’ll hear from four-time champion Kim Jong-Il. But, first: “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 36: Episode 17
10q: Zach Galifianakis / Jessie J
Goodnights
…..Zach Galifianakis
Zach Galifianakis: [ his head shaved in the style of a mohawk ] Thanks a lot, everybody! Unfortunately, we did NOT get to the Mr. T sketch. [ the audience laughs at his mock embarrassment ] A real bummer, if you ask me. Thanks to Jessie J, b.o.b.! The cast, the crew, the writers! My parents. [ he glances offstage ] Keep going? [ thinking ] The guy that shines my rollerblades. Thank you, everybody, have a great night! Good night! [ he rubs his mohawk before mingling with the cast ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 36: Episode 17
10q: Zach Galifianakis / Jessie J
Corn Syrup Producers of America
Mom #1…..Nasim Pedrad
Mom #2…..Kristen Wiig
Daughter…..Bobby Moynihan
Announcer: [ over product slide ] The following is a message from the Corn Syrup Producers of America.
[ dissolve to child’s birthday party scene ]
[ Mom #1 pours juice from a jug as Mom #2 steps forward ]
Mom #2: Wow. You don’t care what the kids eat, huh?
Mom #1: Excuse me?
Mom #2: Uh, that has high-fructose corn syrup in it.
Mom #1: [ incredulous ] And?
Mom #2: Well, you know the things they say about high-fructose corn syrup. [ she laughs ]
Mom #1: Like what?
Mom #2: Well… um…
Mom #1: That it’s made from corn, and it’s natural enough and like sugar and it’s fine in moderation?
Mom #2: I guess…
Mom #1: You guess what? That you should have kept your MOUTH shut?
[ Mom #2 is rendered speechless ]
[ Mom #1 raises her eyebrows in assured victory ]
Mom #2: I-I never… [ she sips from her mug ]
Mom #1: Never what? Never heard of science? You know, this is a real jam for me — trust scientists… or stay-at-home mom Sheila from down the street who’s having wine at ten a.m.
Mom #2: I’m sorry… Let’s just…
Mom #1: Let’s just what? Make a bigger deal about the corn syrup? At this FUN party that I’ve invited you to, even though I didn’t want to because you say shit like this?
Mom #2: Okay. [ collecting her thoughts ] Hey, that’s a great sweater!
Mom #1: Thanks! It was my daughter’s, but she grew out of it.
[ cut to plump daughter spilling out of her tight clothes ]
Daughter: Mommy! Could I have some more juicy drink?
Mom #1: Of course, you can!
Daughter: Yeah!
[ she chugs the drink then runs off, exposinger her butt crack ]
Mom #2: She’s cute.
Mom #1: Yep.
Mom #1 V/O: Get the facts. Check out our web site… [ SUPER: “ThereAreWorseThingsThanCornSyrup.com” ] and no other web sites.
[ fade ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 36: Episode 17]]>
Amazon.com Widgets
Air Date:Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:Cameos:Bit Players:
March 12th, 2011
Zach Galifianakis
Jessie J
None
None
None Selection SundaySummary: It’s March Madness, so Greg Gumbel and Jim Nantz bring down the brackets to determine who’s the craziest person in the world.
Recurring Characters: Greg Gumbel, Jim Nantz, Muammer Gaddaffi, Charlie Sheen.
Transcript
Montage
Zach Galifianakis’ MonologueSummary: Zach Galifianakis introduces new characters he’s working on, then lip-synchs “Tomorrow” while dressed as Little Orphan Annie.
Transcript
The Talk
Summary: Frantic “The View” fan (Zach Galifianakis) is dissapointed to be stuck in the audience of insipid knock-off during his birthday.
Recurring Characters: Sharon Osbourne, Whoopi Goldberg.
The Original Kings Of Catchphrase Comedy
Summary: A group of hacky comedians whose routines consist of one semi-amusing catchphrase are now on tour together.
Scared Straight
Summary: Hardcore inmates Lorenzo McIntosh (Kenan Thompson) and Creepy Guy (Zach Galifianakis) try to scare another trio of young punks (Bobby Moynihan, Andy Samberg, Bill Hader) straight.
Recurring Characters: Lorenzo McIntosh, Officer Sikorsky.
An SNL Digital Short
Summary: In “Zach Looks for a New Assistant”, Zach Galifianakis interviews mature children for the oafish position.
Jessie J performs “Price Tag”
Weekend Update with Seth Meyers
Summary: Julie Taymor (Kristen Wiig) comments about her dismissal as director of Broadway’s “Spider-Man: Turn Off The Dark”. Liam the Teenager Who Just Woke Up (Andy Samberg) comments about fluctuating oil prices as it pertains to his weird dreams.
Recurring Characters: Liam the Teenager Who Just Woke Up.
NoodlesSummary: Mom (Kristen Wiig) and Dad (Zach Galifianakis) try to find a gentle way to tell their kids (Nasim Pedrad, Bobby Moynihan, Abby Elliott) that the family dog died from autoerotic asphyxiation.
Transcript
Celebrity Scoop
Summary: Kind-hearted Canadian gossips (Kristen Wiig, Fred Armisen) have only nice things to say about American celebrities.
Jesse J perform “Mamma Knows Best”
Corn Syrup Producers of AmericaSummary: Moms (Nasim Pedrad, Kristen Wiig) disagree on the virtues of high-fructose corn syrup.
Transcript
Titanic
Summary: Ignoring the lives of the passengers he endangered, the Titanic’s Captain (Zach Galifianakis) disguises himself as a woman and sneaks aboard a life boat headed for shore.
GoodnightsTranscript
Dress Rehearsal Cuts
Fertility SessionSummary: Fertility doctor (Jason Sudeikis) counsels a woman (Kristen Wiig) who can’t have kids because her husband (Zach Galifinakis) insists on wearing five pairs of pants with no boxer shorts.
National Naming CompetitionSummary: Participants (Zach Galifinakis, Nasim Pedrad) compete to see who name the most number of people in an allotted amount of time.
Salon TalkSummary: Hair stylist’s (Abby Elliott) moment in the sun is ruined by the bickering between her parents (Zach Galafianakis, Kristen Wiig) on their salon talk show.
Recurring Characters: Gene Shemp, Lydia Shemp.
70’s AlbumsSummary: Music lover (Jason Sudeikis) shuns company after burning his hand in the fireplace and tries to enjoy his favorite 70’s hits alone.
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 36: Episode 16
10p: Miley Cyrus / The Strokes
Duh! Winning! with Charlie Sheen
Charlie Sheen…. Bill Hader
Christina Aguilera….Abby Elliott
John Galiano….Taran Killam
Muammar Gaddafi….Fred Armisen
Lindsay Lohan….Miley Cyrus
Announcer: Up next, on every channel website, it’s the new talk show Duh! Winning! with Charlie Sheen.
Christina Aguilera: [sings] Now it’s time for Duh! Winning! with Charlie Sheeeeeeeeen!
[Show’s logo. “Duh! Winning with Charlie Sheen”]
[Charlie sits on his talk show smoking and looking like hell]
Charlie Sheen: Hello. And welcome to Duh! Winning!. The show for people who are tired of apologizing for their bitching, gnarly rockstar lives and ready to celebrate being highly evolved warlocks. Say hello to my band leader miss Christina Aguilera.
Christina Aguilera: Hey, Charlie.
Charlie Sheen: Winning! Hey, what’s new with you goddess?
Christina Aguilera: Things are pretty…[sings] Ro–oo–oouuuuugh! I botched the National Anthem, I fell down at the Grammys and this week I got arrested for–[sings] public intoxicaaaa–tioooo–ooon!
Charlie Sheen: You know what you really got arrested for? Public intoxi–winning! I mean look at you. You’re like my ideal woman. You’re blond, you make terrible decisions. You know. You’re blond.
Christina Aguilera: Thanks Charlie.
Charlie Sheen: Let’s meet our first guest. He’s a gnarly, gnarlington who speaks his mind. A radical, radical dude. Fashion designer, John Galiano.
Christina Aguilera: [sings] John Galianoooooooo! Winning!
[John comes out dressed like a gay pirate. Sits next to Charlie]
John Galiano: Hi there.
Charlie Sheen: John Galiano, bitching rock star, great guy. How many points you put up on the scoreboard this week, what? Like a million?
John Galiano: More like zero. I had a bad week, Charlie.
Charlie Sheen: Pleeeease.
John Galiano: Seriously. I was caught saying “I love Hitler”. But it was taken completely out of context. I wasn’t praising Hitler the person, I was praising Hitler’s political views. It’s so terrible I was fired by Christian Dior.
Charlie Sheen: So what? I lost my job too and now I can do whatever I want, you know, I can do “Major League 3″, ” Hot Shots Part Cuatro”. I’m really excited by this, “Platoon 2: Electric Platoonaloo”.
John Galiano: You’re so positive.
Charlie Sheen: Uh, Duh! Winning! And so are you. Quick, give me three awesome things about you. Go.
John Galiano: Um, ok. I have no ugly friends. I dress up like a methed-out musketeer. And I got a mustache that whispers “I’m a bad person”.
Charlie Sheen: And how’s that make you feel?
John Galiano: Winning!
Charlie Sheen: See? That’s our lives. Deal with it. Sorry middle America. Losers! Winning! Bye bye! Real quick, I want to thanks today’s sponsor “Tiger Blood”. Just blood from a tiger in a jar. [holds up the jar] It’s up to you what to do with it. Next guest is Muammar Ghadafi, or how I like to call him “Mo-Muff” Gaddafi.
Christina Aguilera: [sings] Muammar Ghadafiiiiii–iiiii! Winning!
[Ghadafi enters in his desert pastel colored robes, salutes John, sits]
Muammar Gaddafi: Charlie, is great to be here. It’s great to be anywhere but Lybia. Who’s running that place? [laughs]
Charlie Sheen: Winning! You and I have a lot in common. You’re a Vatican assassin and you’re 79. I’m a Vatican assassin and I look 79. We’ve got tiger blood!
Muammar Gaddafi: Thanks, you know, but actually I’m not doing so great.
Charlie Sheen: Impossible. You’re so bitching, so gnarly. You’re killing it right now.
Muammar Gaddafi: If by “it” you mean my people, then yes I’m very much killing it.
Charlie Sheen: Down get down on yourself. You’ve been a a star dictator on a hit country for 42 seasons. Without you no one even talks about Lybia? I mean, who they’re gonna replace you? Elected democracy? John Stamos? Come on! So what? Some trolls called you an anti-semite.
Muammar Gaddafi: I don’t understand what that means.
Charlie Sheen: It means you hate Jews.
Muammar Gaddafi: Oh, I’m definitely that, yes. I didn’t understand, put me down as totally on that.
Charlie Sheen: Either way. Real quick. Three good things about yourself. Go.
Muammar Gaddafi: Ok. I have the courage of a lion. The heart of a monster and I dress like Humpty Hump from Digital Underground.
Charlie Sheen: How do you feel now, Muammar?
Muammar Gaddafi: Winning!
Charlie Sheen: Winning! Let’s go to a quick viewer e-mail. “Charlie, everything you’re saying is making perfect sense. I’ve been waiting my whole life for someone to spell things out so clearly. Finally I know, I’m not crazy” Well, thank you very much gbusey69@hotmail.com.Our final guest is a long time member of the winning circle. Please welcome, Lindsay Lohan.
Christina Aguilera: [sings] Lindsay Lohaaaaaa–aan! Winning!
Lindsay Lohan: Hey Charlie.
Charlie Sheen: Hey Lindsay. You winning?
Lindsay Lohan: You know it.
Charlie Sheen: Radical! Lay it on me.
Lindsay Lohan: Things are great. My new movie Herbie opened 68 months ago and the Los Angeles courthouse gave me my own parking spot. Winning!
Charlie Sheen: Winning!
Lindsay Lohan: Duh!
Charlie Sheen: Duh! Ha,ha,ha,hold on, hold on real quick. [rubs defibrillators together] Clear! [zaps himself in the chest, lays dead for a moment and zaps back to life again] Hey, we’re winning again! All right, real quick I got to mention another sponsor. Baby urine.[holds a cup of urine] Got a drug test coming up? Reach for some nice, clean baby urine.
Lindsay Lohan: Can I get some of that?
Charlie Sheen: Ah, yes. [gives Lindsay the bottle, she leaves the set] That’s the show. Let’s take a look as we always do, at the scoreboard.[Scoreboard: Charlie Sheen 10,000. Trolls 0] Tough day for the trolls. Show is done, is in the past, I’m done, bye-bye, I got to do 10 more interviews but real quick, Live from New York…[frantic hand signals] it’s Saturday Night!
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel