Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 8

07h: Jonah Hill / Mariah Carey

Spitzer & Associates

Eliot Spitzer…..Bill Hader
Mrs. Spitzer…..Kristen Wiig

[ open on Eliot Spitzer standing at podium, with his frowning wife standing helplessly at his side ]

Eliot Spitzer: Hello. I’m Eliot Spitzer. For the past ten years, I’ve proudly served the people of New York State: eight years as Attorney General, and fourteen months as Governor. Through it all, I’ve NEVER stopped fighting for you; protecting your rights, ensuring your safety, and singlehandedly taking on the special interests.

[ Mrs. Spitzer rolls her eyes ]

Eliot Spitzer: Now that I’ve resigned as Governor, I intend to bring that same passion and intensity to my new career: as an attorney in private practice, specializing in lurid, embarrassing sex cases.

[ Mrs. Spitzer purses her lips ]

Eliot Spitzer: You see, getting caught up in an ugly scandal, involving money-laundering and high-priced call girls, may have ended my political career and brought pain to my family —

[ he turns to glance at Mrs. Spitzer, who turns her head and glances away from him ]

Eliot Spitzer: — but it also taught me something important: when you find yourself in legal trouble, particularly of a distasteful, deeply humiliating nature, you… need… a good attorney… in your corner. An attorney who will FIGHT for you — no matter how undignified your case — and fight ferociously, without shame or embarrassment. NO ONE will fight harder for you. And believe me when I say: I am, at this point, incapable of embarrassment.

[ SUPER: 1-800-T-A-W-D-R-Y | Spitzer & Associates ]

Eliot Spitzer: Have you suffered a slip-and-fall in a gay bathhouse? I will be HONORED to handle your case!

Have you been injured by a defective motorized masturbation device? We’ll take them to court — you and me!

Has U.S. Customs unfairly seized your shipment of German porn? Let’s SUE them, and get it BACK! If we succeed, we’ll make history! The TWO of us!

[ his cell phone rings ]

Eliot Spitzer: Excuse me. I’m sorry… Sorry about this…

[ he pulls his cell phone out of his pocket, but Mrs. Spitzer tugs on it to examine the Caller ID. Spitzer pulls it back from her. ]

Eliot Spitzer: Come on! [ he holds the cell phone to his ear ] Spitzer! [ he frowns ] Counselor? Do you have an offer, or are we gonna keep playing games here? Oh, yes. Your client ADMITS she inserted a knotted handkerchief — obviously, there was an implied promise of removal! Oh. Okay… okay… Yeah? Oh, here’s my counter-offer: you, by the side of the road, wrapped in PLASTIC!! [ he hangs up ] Douchebag. Don’t worry, that’s just blowing smoke! They’re — they’re gonna settle.

Look — the high-priced call girl services have lawyers working for their side. Why shouldn’t you? Whether it’s a major issue, such as the incompotent brothel worker who, time after time, screws up a simple erotic asphyxiation… or something smaller, like not getting the reach-around you paid for… you don’t have to take it! I won’t let them MAKE you take it! And what if it’s the dreaded “worst-case” scenario: the dead hooker? Don’t make yourself crazy over it. Look — any death is an unfortunate thing. But it’s not like either of you intended it. These things happen. Let me take care of it. I will do professionally… and with pride.

So don’t make the mistake of many in your position, and assume I won’t take your case because it’s nasty or sickening. Believe me, THAT won’t happen! In all honesty, I can’t imagine a case I would turn down. That’s a promise. And so is this: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

[ camera pans over to Mrs. Spitzer’s sour face before cutting to the opening montage ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 8

07h: Jonah Hill / Mariah Carey

Six Year Old

Adam Grossman…..Jonah Hill
Evan Grossman…..Bill Hader
Woman 1…..Casey Wilson
Woman 2…..Kristen Wiig
Sushin…..Fred Armisen
Waitress…..Amy Poehler
Man…..Jason Sudeikis

[ open on exterior, Benihana ]

[ dissolve to interior, hibachi grill. Two women sit on one end, as Evan Grossman and his six-year old son, Adam Grossman, take their seats on the opposite end of the table. ]

Adam Grossman: Excuse me, ladies! Are these seats taken?

Woman 1: Uh — no.

Adam Grossman: What luck! Good evening! I’m Adam Grossman, I am currently six years old, and this is my father, Evan Grossman — age classified. My father is recently divorced — ie. on the market — and, as luck would have it, his condo is a stone’s throw away from this very Benihana!

[ the two women nod politely ]

Woman 2: Nice to meet you.

Adam Grossman: And she’s NOT interested! Bad news, Dad! The recon mission did NOT go well! Nary a BLIP! But stick with the old sportscoat and sour face — it’s doing WONDERS for you! It’s a JOKE! Lighten up!

Evan Grossman: Leave these nice ladies alone, Adam…

Adam Grossman: And he SPEAKS! Welcome back to the land of the living! [ to the ladies ] Excuse me, my darlings — my father has LOW self-esteem! He also has issues of Hustler that he keeps under his BED! Like I wouldn’t check there! I’m SIX!! I shouldn’t SEE such things!

Sushin: Good evening.

Adam Grossman: Good to SEE you, Sushin! Ladies, a warning: Sushin is known to like his sake, so watch your fingers! I’m KIDDING, Sushin! Arregato and Mazel Tov to you!

Sushin: How are you this evening?

Adam Grossman: How am I?! The same way I am the third weekend of EVERY month, Sushin — living it up, Las Vegas-style on the couch of my dad’s condo! RELAX, Dad, it’s a JOKE! Seriously, though — would it KILL you to get CABLE?! I’m SIX years old! A little “Zach & Cody” goes a long way! [ turns to the ladies ] Ladies: are you familiar with the work of Zach & Cody?

[ the two women shake their heads ]

Woman 1: Sorry…?

Adam Grossman: It’s about two TWINS who live in a HOTEL! They have a BUTLER!! I’m stuck here with Mr. Personality! It’s like living with PAINT, if paint cried and complained about how expensive GAS is!! [ turns to look at his slent dad ] Beeeeeeeeep! And he’s FLATLINED!! Nurse! Nurse! It’s a JOKE, Dad! SMILE!

[ Waitress walks up ]

Waitress: Alright. Can I get you guys something to drink?

Adam Grossman: Hello, sweetheart. I’ll have a Chivas on the rocks! I’m KIDDING!! I’m six years old! But, let me say, you are looking so lovely tonight. I feel like I’m EIGHT!! [ he holds up as many fingers ]

Evan Grossman: He’ll have a ginger ale, and I’ll have a glass of Chardonnay, please.

Adam Grossman: Chardonnay? Way to MAN UP, Dad! [ to the waitress ] Excuse me! Can you also bring him a DRESS, and two tickets to “RENT”?

Evan Grossman: [ embarrassed ] Please…

Adam Grossman: Please, what? Please get you back together with Mom?! I know that’s what you want, ’cause you TALK in your SLEEP! I’m not eavesdropping, mind you, but the walls in your condo are thinner than Shelly Duvall! I’m JOKING!! I don’t even know who that is! I’m SIX!!

Evan Grossman: Adam, we’re going to go home if you can’t control yourself.

Adam Grossman: I’ll file that one under “Empty Threats”! [ to Sushin ] Excuse me! Hey, Sushin! Any chance I could get my chicken before bedtime? Which is 8:30! [ taps woman to his right on her shoulder ] This lady knows what I’m talking about!

Woman 2: [ confused ] I’m sorry… me?

Adam Grossman: You, I like. You’re not like that minx Hannah Montana that everyone in my grade is going nuts for. Don’t get me wrong — she’s a sweet girl, but a little too opinionated, if you ask me! She’s the type of gal, as soon as you start going steady, everything changes! “Adam! Can you buy me some candy!” “Adam! Can you buy me some popcorn!” I make two dollars a WEEK!! Maybe you didn’t hear the news, but I’m SIX!!

Evan Grossman: Adam actually has a little crush on Hannah Montana.

Adam Grossman: Ohhh!! Ohhh!! Now we’re telling secrets?! Okay! Well, there’s a secret for ya’! [ points to his dad ] This one — this one took out a personal ad in the PENNY SAVER, and described himself as “adventurous”! Mind you, this is a man whose idea of adventure is FRUIT on the bottom! I’m joking, Dad, I LOVE ya’!

[ Man enters and sits next to the two women ]

Man: Hey. Sorry I’m late, guys.

Adam Grossman: Good evening, sir! Welcome to the FUN table! I’m Adam Grossman, and the icebox next to me is my father! I JOKE!! So I have bad table manners! What do you expect?! I’m SIX!! [ holds up as many fingers ]

Man: [ smiles ] Well, hey. How are ya’?

Adam Grossman: If I may answer for my father… he is not well! That is, unless you are a BILLIONAIRE who is looking to buy a collection of Hall & Oates ticket stubs! Because my father just happens to have a WALL of them — FRAMED!!

Evan Grossman: Hey, people don’t want to hear our business…

Adam Grossman: Well, here’s MY business: I’m about to do a Number Two in my pants! So, why don’t you hold my hand and walk me to the bathroom, or else you would rather I get ab-DUCTED! I’m JOKING!! I know he loves me! I love him, but we’re going through a rough patch! Such is life! [ as he gets up ] Hey, Sushin! Make sure that these people keep their hands off my hibachi chicken! I’m joking! Help yourselves, ladies — it’s been wonderful!

[ Adam and his father rise from the table and exit to the bathroom ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 8

07h: Jonah Hill / Mariah Carey

What’s Your Situation?

Lou Delholm…..Jonah Hill
Bethany Graham…..Kristen Wiig
Tanya Perkins…..Casey Wilson
Rhonda…..Amy Poehler

Announcer: It’s time once again for everyone’s favorite brain-busting game show: “What’s Your Situation?” And here is your host Lou Delholm.

Lou Delholm: Hi everybody, I’m Lou Delholm and as always we’ve got a great game for you, so let’s get right to it. Contestants, for 50 points: what measure of energy comes from the Latin word meaning heat? Bethany Graham from White Plains?

Bethany Graham: That would be the calorie.

Lou Delholm: Very good Bethany, you are on the board! And let’s follow up this question with another one just for you: Bethany, what’s your situation?

Bethany Graham: I… I’m sorry, what?

Lou Delholm: You know, what’s your situation, are you single, are you seeing somebody or?…

Bethany Graham: Oh, I’m single at the moment…

Lou Delholm: It’s good to know, it’s good to know… cool, cool, it’s good to know…Our next question is from the world of sports, here we go: this nine-time Olympic gold medalist… Tanya Perkins with the early buzz?

Tanya Perkins: Is it Jackie Joyner-Kersee?

Lou Delholm: Oh, I’m sorry, Tanya, we were looking for Mark Spitz. But let me hear you up with the follow-up question though. Tanya, what’s your situation?

Tanya Perkins: Is this for points?

Lou Delholm: It could be… it could be for a lot of points, what’s your situation?

Tanya Perkins: Um… I’m married.

Lou Delholm: Oh… why?

Tanya Perkins: ‘Cause I love my husband?

Lou Delholm: Well, that’s the end of the road for Tanya; thanks so much for playing the game.

Tanya Perkins: That’s it?

Lou Delholm: Yeah, bye Tanya. Rhonda, you’ve been awful quiet over there.

Rhonda: Uh-huh?

Lou Delholm: You want something to drink? Something, a daiquiri or something?

Rhonda: I’d love a question.

Lou Delholm: Okay, here’s one: Rhonda, what’s your sitch?

Rhonda: I’m sorry, what does this have to do with the game?

Lou Delholm: Are you a lesbian, is that it?

Rhonda: What’s wrong with you?

Lou Delholm: It’s cool Rhonda, you’re a lesbian, whatever. And that means Bethany’s our big winner today!

Bethany Graham: I only answered one question…

Lou Delholm: Good enough for me, and now here’s your chance to double your money. Walk this way and take a crack at our isolation chamber.

Bethany Graham: Ooh.

Lou Delholm: You have 30 seconds, let’s go, come on.

Bethany Graham: Wait, you’re coming too?

Lou Delholm: Yeah, I’m gonna come in, also.

Bethany Graham: Oh.

[ they enter the isolation booth together, now seen only in silhoette ]

Lou Delholm: So, what’s up?

Bethany Graham: Um, what’s up with what?

Lou Delholm: I dunno know, you tell me…

Bethany Graham: Am I winning?

Lou Delholm: Yeah, it’s so definitely.

Bethany Graham: Okay, look, I think I’m gonna go.

Lou Delholm: Shh, what kind of music do you like, Maroon 5?

Bethany Graham: Okay, what, what, can you open this door, please?

Lou Delholm: Sure, yeah, okay.

[ he opens the door, they step out of the isolation booth ]

Bethany Graham: Creep. [ she exits ]

Lou Delholm: Man, she got weird.

Rhonda: Yeah.

Lou Delholm: Well, don’t you go anywhere because when we come back, Rhonda is gonna be trying her luck in the isolation booth.

Rhonda: No, I’m not.

Lou Delholm: We’ll be right back.

Rhonda: I’m not going in there.

Lou Delholm: You should.

Rhonda: No, I don’t want to. Thank you.

Lou Delholm: You should…

[ fade ]

Submitted by: Jacques

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 8

07h: Jonah Hill / Mariah Carey

An SNL Digital Short

…..Jonah Hill
…..Andy Samberg
Ben Samberg…..Jim Downey
…..Bill Hader

[ tag (over black screen): “An SNL Digital Short” ]

[ dissolve to Andy Samberg being fitted for a costume change, as Jonah Hill walks up ]

Jonah Hill: Hey, dude.

Andy Samberg: [ looking up ] Hey, man.

Jonah Hill: [ apprehensive ] Um — are you busy right now? Can you grab a coffee, or something?

Andy Samberg: Yeah, of course. [ uneasy ] Is everything okay?

Jonah Hill: Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I just want to run something by you real quick.

Andy Samberg: Okay. Let’s do it.

[ cut to Andy and Jonah seated at a table in Starbuck’s ]

Andy Samberg: So, what’s going on? You nervous about the show?

Jonah Hill: [ shaking his head ] No, I’m — I’m — I’m feeling okay about the show. I’m more excited than anything else.

Andy Samberg: Well, good. So what’s up?

Jonah Hill: Um… so, you remember when I met your family last week at the show?

[ flashback to Jonah meeting the Samberg Family ]

Andy Samberg: Oh… yeah. They actually loved you. My mom thought you were hilarious!

Jonah Hill: [ nervous ] Yeah, uh — well, there’s actually kind of an issue with that.

Andy Samberg: [ confused ] Like… what kind of an issue?

Jonah Hill: Well… since then… I’ve, uh — I’ve sort of been… seeing your dad.

Andy Samberg: What was that?

Jonah Hill: [ more direct ] I’ve been dating your dad.

Andy Samberg: Like, my dad, dad?

[ flashback to Jonah shaking hands with Mr. Samberg, their spark going unnoticed by the remainder of the Samberg Family ]

Jonah Hill: Like… your father… Ben. I’ve been seeing him every day.

Andy Samberg: So, what — you guys hang out, or something?

Jonah Hill: Quite a bit, actually.

Andy Samberg: What?

[ flashback to Jonah having dinner with the Samberg Family ]

Jonah Hill: So, last week — remember when we all had dinner?

Andy Samberg: Yeah.

Jonah Hill: Do you remember when we all parted ways? Alright, well… I had to run back in because I had forgotten my scarf, and… who should walk in, but your dad… and he’d forgotten his gloves. Neither of us were tired, so… we were, like, “Hey! Why don’t we just go grab a beer, or something?”

Andy Samberg: You grabbed a beer with my dad?

Jonah Hill: Yes! Just listen, okay?

[ flashback to Jonah and Mr. Samberg having that beer — clinking their glasses, laughing, and nonchalently touching hands ]

Jonah Hill: So, we got a beer, and… we just started talking, and… truth be told, he is one of the most fascinating people I’ve ever met in my life.

Andy Samberg: [ laughing ] Is this a joke?

Jonah Hill: No! I mean… I wish it was a joke. It would be easier if it was a joke. It’s just that, Ben is —

Andy Samberg: My dad.

Jonah Hill: Yes! Your “dad”! My “boyfriend”! Whatever!

Andy Samberg: You’re just “hanging out”, right? It’s not as if you’re…?

Jonah Hill: No, no, no, no, no! It’s gotten extraordinarily physical. I mean —

[ flashback to Jonah and Mr. Samberg open-mouthed kissing one another and groping each other’s knees ]

[ Andy’s face registers a silent panic, as Jonah fondly sips his coffee ]

Jonah Hill: I’m not usually a coffee guy. [ smiles ] Ben’s got me trying all sorts of crazy things!

Andy Samberg: Right. Uhhhh — I gotta be honest with you, I’m… really not cool with this.

Jonah Hill: I know it sounds insane. It sounds nuts, but — [ he shakes his head ] this isn’t just some fling.

[ flashback to Jonah and Mr. Samberg looking out over the harbor… feeding each other during a picnic in Central Park… running through the park… holding hands as they walk through the city… laughing together on the couch before Jonah lowers himself below the screen to perform oral sex on Mr. Samberg ]

Jonah Hill: I don’t know how else to say it. I just… I feel like I’ve never felt with anybody else in my entire life. We just have so much fun together. I mean, when we’re together, we laugh and we laugh and we laugh and we laugh, and we laugh some more.

Andy Samberg: Dude… you’re dating my 57-year old father…

Jonah Hill: Why is everyone freaking out about the age thing! You sound like your MOM right now!

Andy Samberg: [ near tears ] Don’t say my “mom”.

Jonah Hill: I know this is tough! But, even if I lose a friend over this… I like to think that I’ve gained a son.

Andy Samberg: Okay…

[ Mr. Samberg enters, smiling ]

Mr. Samberg: Uh-oh! Here’s my guys! Andy… [ rubs Andy’s shaggy hair ] Jonah… [ kisses Jonah on the lips ]

Jonah Hill: Hi. Ben.

[ Andy is stone-faced ]

Mr. Samberg: Andy… I’ve been meaning to tell you. Jonah and I are dating.

Jonah Hill: I’m sorry… I told him already.

Mr. Samberg: Blabbermouth!

Jonah Hill: I know, I’m the worst!

[ Bill Hader enters ]

Bill Hader: Hey, Ben! I’m ready to go! [ freezes when he notices Andy and Jonah are also there ] Andy… Jonah. How do you guys know Ben?

Andy Samberg: Uh… he’s my dad?

Bill Hader: Small world! We’ve been f–kin’!

[ freeze-frame as Hader turns to the camera and smiles ]

[ SUPER: “Created by Lorne Michaels ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 8

07h: Jonah Hill / Mariah Carey

NBC Special Report

Brian Williams…..Will Forte
Sen. John McCain…..Darrell Hammond
Jeffrey Greenberg…..Fred Armisen
Gail Parker…..Amy Poehler

[ open on NBC news graphics ]

Announcer: We interrupt this program for an NBC Special Report. Here’s Brian Williams.

[ dissolve to Brian Williams in the NBC News studio ]

Brian Williams: Good evening. In a week already ripe with political scandal, we now have another revelation that is bound to shake up the Republican nomination. After a year-long NBC News investigation, it has come to light that the presumptive Republican nominee — John McCain — is, in fact, OLD!

[ show graphic of John McCain with the word “OLD” ]

NBC News has obtained a copy of McCain’s birth certificate that appears to confirm that he is not only old, but very old. The kind of old that makes you not really trust him with scissors. Due to the potentially damaging nature of these allegations, we’ve invited Sen. McCain to be on the program. Senator, what is your response to this scandal?

[ cut to Sen. John McCain, with SUPER: “John McCain: Is He Old?” ]

Sen. John McCain: I wouldn’t really call this a scandal. The fact is, I’ve never lied about my age, nor should I have to. I’m 71, but I work 24/7. [ he chuckles ] I’m very active!

Brian Williams: So, you wouldn’t describe yourself as old?

Sen. John McCain: Absolutely not.

Brian Williams: Uh, Senator, this investigation was exhaustive. Uh — let me show you some of what NBC uncovered.

[ show still photo of McCain an early bird buffet ]

Brian Williams: Here’s a surveillance photo of you, Senator, walking into Bob Evans to take advantage of their buffet.

Sen. John McCain: [ he chuckles ] Yes, I was having dinner. I don’t see how that’s relevant.

Brian Williams: Can you see the time stamp on that photo, Senator? It says 4:30 in the afternoon.

Sen. John McCain: My friends, I would rather talk about national priorities, like the young men and women serving in Iraq!

Brian Williams: They also went into your bank records and found this:

[ show image of a check ]

Brian Williams: Now, this is a check signed by you, Senator. It was sent to your grandson for his birthday. As you can see, the check is for five dollars, and the memo line reads: “For penny candy”. Can you explain this, Senator?

Sen. John McCain: I don’t see anything wrong with giving my grandson a birthday present. But, look — I want to discuss pork barrel spending!

Brian Williams: They also uncovered phone records. Call logs show that several times you were contacted by fraudulent telemarketers. These scam artists tricked you into buying low-cost vitamins, a rotisserie grill, and a non-existent time share in Orlando. Now, are you afraid of strange people on the phone, Senator?

Sen. John McCain: [ incredulous ] What? No!

Brian Williams: Do they confuse you with their fast talk and big promises?

Sen. John McCain: Let’s cut the brass tacks, my friends. I may be 71, but I’m not too old to run this country!

Brian Williams: Are you old enough to regularly use the phrase “brass tacks”?

Sen. John McCain: You know, as I’ve said many times, why don’t you look at my mother? She’s 95, and she’s fit as a fiddle.

Brian Williams: “Fit as a fiddle”. Uh, is that another one of those senior expressions? Look, if you’re just joining us, hours ago it was confirmed by multiple sources that Sen. John McCain is crazy old. Uh, here to confirm our awe analysis are two admittedly old people — Jeffrey Greenberg and Gail Parker, from Long Island. Welcome.

[ cut to the two old people via satellite ]

Gail Parker: [ looking around ] Hello..?

Jeffrey Greenberg: Are we on?

Gail Parker: Hello..?

Jeffrey Greenberg: Hello..?

Brian Williams: Yes. Yes, you’re on, sir, ma’am.

Jeffrey Greenberg: Hello..?

Brian Williams: Yes. Uh, let me ask you this: based on your firsthand experience, is Sen. McCain old?

Jeffrey Greenberg: Oh, yeah. Yes.

Gail Parker: Oh, absolutely!

Jeffrey Greenberg: Yes!

Gail Parker: Who’s talking?

Jeffrey Greenberg: Hello?

Brian Williams: Sen. McCain, any response?

Sen. John McCain: Well, I mean, you people certainly sound like you’re doing alright, but, with all due respect, I’m not quite as old as you are. I’m 71.

Jeffrey Greenberg: I’m 70!

Gail Parker: And I’m 68! If you’re not old, here’s a test: Do you watch “Wheel of Fortune”?

Sen. John McCain: [ he scoffs ] Of course! Everybody does!

Jeffrey Greenberg: Is there a — is there a jar full of hard candy in your living room?

Sen. John McCain: [ he laughs ] Yes. So what?

Gail Parker: Do you steal Sweet ‘n Low packets from McDonald’s?

Sen. John McCain: Uh — maybe once or twice.

Gail Parker: Then, you’re old, John!

Jeffrey Greenberg: You’re old! You’re old, and you admit it.

Brian Williams: Uh, thank you. Uh — we now return to our regularly scheduled program. join us tonight for more coverage of this Seniorgate scandal. we’ll examine surveillance footage of Sen. McCain sitting alone on a bench in the middle of the mall.

[ cut to NBC news graphics ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 8

07h: Jonah Hill / Mariah Carey

MacGruber III

MacGruber…..Will Forte
Vicky…..Kristen Wiig
Isaac…..Jonah Hill
Life Coach…..Bill Hader

[FADE IN on the ends of two electric wires as a spark jumps between them. CUT among various shots of pontoon planes, hands tinkering with materials, and exploding buildings.]

Singers:
MacGruber!
He found out everybody hates him and he went into a tailspin!
MacGruber!
He doesn’t trust anyone except for his life coach!
MacGruber!
He wears a friggin’ diaper now!

[CUT to MacGruber wearing a diaper as he walks in front of the camera]

Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!

[CUT to Human Trafficking Headquarters. SUPERIMPOSE caption, “Human Trafficking Headquarters.” CUT to a sign marked “Human Trafficking Control Room” as sirens wail.]

Isaac: [struggling with locked door] MacGruber, the door is bolted shut!

Vicky: That’s not all, MacGruber, this ammonium nitrate bomb is set to blow in 20 seconds!

[MacGruber looks away from the bomb, as his Life Coach steps forward]

Life Coach: Hey MacGruber, do you wanna say something to them? [MacGruber whispers in his ear] No, no, I’m not gonna tell them that because you can’t defuse the bomb, MacGruber. How about we do this together, okay?

Vicky: 15 seconds!

Life Coach: Okay, let’s start asking for supplies, okay?

MacGruber: Chair.

Life Coach: Chair, a chair, that’s a great idea ,MacGruber, yeah, a chair.

Isaac: Wha… come on!

Life Coach: [to Issac] We don’t need your negativity right now.

[MacGruber begins to tap the chair’s legs onto the bomb]

Life Coach: You’re taking small steps but they’re big steps, buddy. That’s good, MacGruber.

Isaac: You can’t defuse a bomb with a chair!

Life Coach: What’s your name?

Isaac: Isaac.

Life Coach: Isaac, let me let you in a little secret: you can do anything if you put your mind…

[CUT to Human Trafficking Headquarters exploding and spewing smoke everywhere.]

Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!

[FADE to black over applause.]

Submitted by: Jacques

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 8

07h: Jonah Hill / Mariah Carey

MacGruber II

MacGruber…..Will Forte
Vicky…..Kristen Wiig
Isaac…..Jonah Hill

[FADE IN on the ends of two electric wires as a spark jumps between them. CUT among various shots of pontoon planes, hands tinkering with materials, and exploding buildings.]

Singers:
MacGruber!
His co-workers are buzzing ‘bout his total incompetence!
MacGruber!
He’s trying to ignore it but it really hurts his feelings!
MacGruber!
He’s lashing out at everyone!

[CUT to MacGruber giving a pixellated finger to the camera]

Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!

[CUT to an abandoned paint factory. SUPERIMPOSE caption, “Abandoned Paint Factory.” CUT to a sign marked “Paint Factory Control Room” as sirens wail.]

Isaac: [struggling with locked door] MacGruber, this door won’t budge!

MacGruber: Yeah, I’m not an idiot, Isaac, okay? I know the door won’t budge.

Vicky: Uh, MacGruber, from the looks of this booby-trapped RPG, we’ve got exactly 20 seconds!

MacGruber: Oh my God, you too, Vicky? Is that how this is gonna be?

Vicky: I was just giving the time.

MacGruber: Yeah, no, I know what you were doing and I know who put you up to it. But I wanna thank you both for this, because now I know that I am the only person I can trust. So, I will be making the decisions today, okay? So, uh, Vicky, ga… gimme the, tha… mmh… oh my God, they all look like they could help, uh… ah… mmh… oh I can’t do this, no I can! I can do this! I can do this, I can do this… uh… Make a decision! [mumbling] Okay Vicky, hand me the shammy! Hand me the shammy, hand me the shammy!

Vicky: There you go MacGruber!

[MacGruber breaks into tears]

Isaac: Oh my God, MacGruber, are you crying?

MacGruber: Oh, what are you gonna do everybody? You’re gonna tell all your little friends?! No, this is not easy, you think you can do better?

Isaac: I literally couldn’t do any worse than you did.

MacGruber: Oh then be my friggin’ guest!

Isaac: Okay, great.

MacGruber: Be my guest.

Isaac: Okay, why don’t we switch, alright, great.

[ they switch sides ]

Vicky: 10 seconds, Isaac!

Isaac: Uh… hand me all that stuff over there, okay just hand it over. Okay, okay, great.

MacGruber: Do you need anything from over here? Can I help you in any way?

Isaac: No, I’m fine with your stuff.

MacGruber: Okay great, well then I’ll just wait over here until the explosion.

Isaac: Okay.

Vicky: 5 seconds!

MacGruber: Four… three…

Isaac: You’re not helping!

MacGruber: Two… one… kaboom. [ no explosion ] Oh, I… guess Vicky’s count was a little…

[CUT to the paint factory exploding and spewing smoke everywhere.]

Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!

[FADE to black over applause.]

Submitted by: Jacques

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 8

07h: Jonah Hill / Mariah Carey

MacGruber

MacGruber…..Will Forte
Vicky…..Kristen Wiig
Isaac…..Jonah Hill

[FADE IN on the ends of two electric wires as a spark jumps between them. CUT among various shots of pontoon planes, hands tinkering with materials, and exploding buildings.]

Singers:
MacGruber!
Making life-saving inventions out of household materials!
MacGruber!
Getting in and out of ultra-sticky situations!
MacGruber!
The guy’s a freakin’ genius!

[CUT to MacGruber performing punching poses against footage of flames.]

Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!

[CUT to an abandoned bank. SUPERIMPOSE caption, “Abandoned Bank.” CUT to a sign marked “Bank Control Room” as sirens wail.]

Isaac: [struggling with locked door] Come on! MacGruber, this door is welded shut!

Vicky: That’s not our only problem, Macgruber — from the looks of that detonator, this whole place is gonna blow in 20 seconds!

MacGruber: Well, I know one thing that’s not gonna blow, and that’s our cool. So just stay calm because we will get out of here. [mutters to himself ] We will, we will…

Vicky: [ looking at her watch ] FIFTEEN seconds, MacGruber!

MacGruber: Okay, we can do this… [ silently ] right?

Isaac: Are you asking us or telling us?

MacGruber: I’m sorry, I just heard from a little birdie that, uh, somebody was talking smack behind my back the other day and, uh, you know, it was very hurtful what they were saying, so…

Isaac: Can we talk about this later? This isn’t really relevant right now.

MacGruber: Well, actually it is! It was about my job performance, so I’d say it’s very relevant right now.

Vicky: 10 seconds MacGruber!

MacGruber: Fine, okay, fine! Uh — uh — uh, Isaac! Hand me that chalk!

Isaac: Coming right out MacGruber!

MacGruber: Vicky, that hairbrush!

Vicky: You’ve got it, MacGruber!

MacGruber: Okay, Isaac! Okay, look, I’m just gonna lay out my cards on the table here. That little birdie was my friend Brad, and he said that the person talking behind my back… was you.

Isaac: Uh…

Vicky: Five seconds, MacGruber!

MacGruber: Okay, forget it, I don’t care what you think, anyway! Okay? Because I’m very good at my job! [ mopey ] Do you really think I’m not good at my j…

[CUT to the bank exploding and spewing smoke everywhere.]

Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!

[FADE to black over applause.]

Submitted by: Jacques

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 8

07h: Jonah Hill / Mariah Carey

Goodnights

…..Jonah Hill

Jonah Hill: Thanks to Mariah Carey, T-Pain, Tracy Morgan. Thank you, Jim Downey! The cast and crew! Uh — there’s a lot of people I love in this world, watching at home, and… we’re here, and I love you, and thanks very much!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 8

07h: Jonah Hill / Mariah Carey

Internet Date

Dean….Jonah Hill
Hot Date….Casey Wilson

(Opens with an outside shot of Tad´s Broiled Steaks restaurant. Cut to inside of it. A fat nerdy guy sits with a beautiful woman. They are kind of nervous.)

Hot Date: It’s nice to meet you face to face after talking on-line for so long.

Dean: Yeah, so, what do you think?

Hot Date: Uh…

Dean: I love the smell of burnt meat.

Hot Date: So, uh, you said that you´re a personal trainer?

Dean: Yeah, I personally trained my dog to drink beer.

Hot Date: And, um, you also said that you work in the, in the movie business?

Dean: I do. I work at Netflix in envelope receiving.

Hot Date: Cool.

Dean: Pretty cool…yeah.

Hot Date: Yeah, and you said, you done some modeling?

Dean: Yeah, I do. Actually, I do freelance work as a before model in tooth repair commercials.

Hot Date: Um, you mentioned in your IM that you had 3 children — one of which was grown?

Dean: Um, yes, I was actually referring to my penis and testicles. I said one of which is growing, not grown.

Hot Date: Oh, I see.

Dean: Yeah, you misread that.

Hot Date: Yeah, you also, you said that you sing in a barbershop quartet with three bald guys?

Dean: Once again, referring to my genitals, yeah.

Hot Date: And you, live in the meat packing district?

Dean: Another genny reference.

Hot Date: Got it, got it. And you said that you own your own home?

Dean: No, I said that I live in a home that is owned — by my parents, who also live there.

Hot Date: That´s kind of weird.

Dean: Your behavior during this date?

Hot Date: No. You said on one of your e-mails that you were the voice of one of the Budweiser frogs in that commercial? But that commercial is like really old.

Dean: Yeah, my friend Akiva and I dubbed our voices over the original commercial but we said “Hudweiser”. Its on YouTube, its got like, 41, non-me views, if you want to check it out.

Hot Date: No, that´s ok. Uh, sorry, another thing, you said that you drive a sports car?

Dean: Yeah, like in its day, the PT Cruiser was a sports car…

Hot Date: PT Cruiser is not an old car.

Dean: You know, I wouldn´t act so high and mighty. You told me some untruths as well, you know.

Hot Date: Like what?

Dean: Like, when you said you were 5´6, you know, you look more like 5´8. And you said you were above average looks, and you´re actually crazy-hot. So who´s calling who a liar?

Hot Date: So, I´m gonna assume you were never in the male version of “The Vagina Monologues”.

Dean: No, but I did listen to a woman tell me a monologue about her vagina on 34th Street. I later found out that she was a vagina peddler.

Hot Date: Why can´t anyone just tell the truth on the Internet?

Dean: Because anyone is afraid that if you knew the truth about them you would never accept an invitation for a night of steaks and human interaction.

Hot Date: Touche.

Dean: Look, if you want to go, go ahead. I understand, it’s fine.

Hot Date: Hey, Dean…

Dean: Yeah.

Hot Date: I have a confession to make. You know when I told you I had identical twins in my family? I meant my boobs.

Dean: I know. That´s why I came. Pass me the A-1, babe.

(Dean gets the A-1 from his hot date. Looks like he´s gonna score)

(Cheers and applause)

(Fade)

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts