Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 8


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:



Bit Players:

March 15th, 2008

Jonah Hill

Mariah Carey

None

Tracy Morgan

T-Pain

Jim Downey

Spitzer & AssociatesSummary: Following his resignation for being caught with call girls, New York governor Eliot Spitzer (Bill Hader) announces that he will open a law firm and tackle similarly embarrassing cases.

Transcript

MontageNote: Jonah Hill was originally scheduled to host just prior to the Writer’s Guild Strike.

Note: Janet Jackson was originally scheduled to be tonight’s musical guest, but had to cancel early in the week when she came down with the flu.

Jonah Hill’s MonologueSummary: Jonah Hill employs raunchy lyrics to sing about how fancy he is.

Bio: Jonah Hill (1983-). Actor/writer; freqient collaborator with Seth Rogan; appeared in the films “Knocked Up” (2007) and “Superbad” (2007).

MacGruberSummary: MacGruber (Will Forte) refuses to detonate a bomb until Vicky (Kristien Wiig) and Isaac (Jonah Hill) own up to their dissatisfaction with his job performance.

Recurring Characters: MacGruber, Vicky.

Transcript

What’s Your Situation?Summary: Slimy, obnoxious Lou Delholm (Jonah Hill) uses his game show solely as an excuse to find a woman who will date him.

Transcript

Six Year OldSummary: A six-year old (Jonah Hill) embarrasses his newly-divorced dad (Bill Hader) by obnoxiously performing Borscht Belt humor in front of the hibachi crowd at Benihana’s.

Transcript

MacGruber IISummary: Refusing to detonate a bomb, MacGruber (Will Forte) switches places with Isaac (Jonah Hill) and watches him squirm.

Recurring Characters: MacGruber, Vicky.

Transcript

The Suze Orman ShowSummary: Suze Orman (Kristen Wiig) advices her viewers to live like a cheapskate in order to keep themselves financially stable.

Transcript

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Andy Samberg is shocked when he discovers that Jonah Hill has entered into a gay relationship with his dad (Jim Downey).

Transcript

Mariah Carey performs “Touch My Body”First Performed: 90d.

Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth MeyersSummary: Seth Meyers and Amy Poehler ask “Really!?!” after Eliot Spitzer is busted in the prostitution ring. Tracy Morgan responds to the issue of race i the Presidential election.

Transcript

Target GreatlandSummary: The Target clerk (Kristen Wiig) offers relationship advice to co-worker Jeremy (Jonah Hill) as he frets over asking out another employee.

Recurring Characters: Target Lady.

NBC Special ReportSummary: Brian Williams (Will Forte) reveals startling evidence which suggests Sen. John McCain (Darrell Hammond) is old.

Recurring Characters: Brian Williams, John McCain.

Transcript

Clancy T. Bachleratt and Jackie Snad Sing Songs about Spaceships, Toddlers, Model T. Cars & Jars of BeerSummary: Spokesman (Jonah Hill) touts the joint collaboration of patriotic country musicians Clancy T. Bachleratt (Will Forte) and Jackie Snad (Kristen Wiig).

Mariah Carey featuring T-Pain performs “Migrate”Bio: T-Pain (1985-). Hip hop artist/producer.

Internet Blind DateSummary: Schlumpy Dean’s (Jonah Hill) hot date (Casey Wilson) discovers he lied about himself over the Internet.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

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Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Tyler Perry’s New MovieSummary: Tyler Perry (Kenan Thompson) promotes his new movie which features actual white actors.

MacGruber IIISummary: After refusing to detonate a bomb, MacGruber (Will Forte) employs the aid of a Life Coach (Bill Hader) to provide positive re-enforcement.

Recurring Characters: MacGruber, Vicky.

Transcript

JugglerSummary: A juggler (Jason Sudeikis) begs people to come to him for juggling lessons after his flyer produces no results.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 7

07g: Amy Adams / Vampire Weekend

Dr. Uncle Jimmy’s Smokehouse and Outpatient Surgical Facility

Written by: Colin Jost, Rob Klein

Dr. Uncle Jimmy…..Will Forte
Customer 1…..Kenan Thompson
Customer 2…..Bill Hader
Ellen Pompeo…..Amy Adams
Doctor…..Andy Samberg
Patient…..Jason Sudeikis

[ open on stock footage of surgery being performed at a hospital ]

Announcer: Everyone knows that the number one problem in America is the rising cost of health care…

[ dissolve to footage of barbecue sauce being applied to ribs on a fiery barbecue pit ]

Announcer: And the number two problem is the absence of a delicious, affordable, authentic barbecue experience. Well, finally, you can solve BOTH problems with one location. That’s right! It’s Dr. Uncle Jimmy’s Smokehouse and Outpatient Surgical Facility! On Route 13!

[ dissolve to Dr. Uncle Jimmy standing at the center of a room in which a doctor performs surgery on a patient, and patrons chew on barbecue ]

Dr. Uncle Jimmy: Hi! I’m Dr. Uncle Jimmy, and welcome to Dr. Uncle Jimmy’s Smokehouse and Outpatient Surgical Facility. Since early 2007, then stopping in mid-2007, then resuming in early 2008… we’ve serve up the tastiest wings and the fastest colonoscopy this side of Jasper, Arkansas! I should know. I spent my entire life refining my unique brand of barbecue sauce. [ he holds up a bottle ] And I spent nearly three semesters at a once-accredited medical college in the Carribbean, learning what were then considered modern surgical procedures.

At Dr. Uncle Jimmy’s Smokehouse and Outpatient Surgical Facility, you’ll enjoy: [ the words come on screen as he says them ] Memphis-Style Beef Ribs… Homemade Coleslaw… Cyst and Wart Removal… Mama’s Mac n’ Cheese… Lasik Eye Surgery… Hickory Baked Beans… Refitting a Big Toe as a Thumb… Our Famous Mississippi Mud Pie… and Vasectomies.

But don’t take MY word for it! Just ask two of our paying customers!

[ cut to two customers sitting back-to-back among the booths ]

Customer 1: Dr. Uncle Jimmy’s is like an old-fashioned cookout at one of them dead bodies exhibits.

Customer 2: I mean, sure you could find a better barbecue, or a safer surgical experience.

[ cut back to Dr. Uncle Jimmy ]

Dr. Uncle Jimmy: And the critics love it, too! [ newspaper headlines appear ] We won Official Applicant at the 2007 St. Louis Cookout… And my attempt for the most hernia repairs in twenty-four hours has drawn the attention of the Guiness Book of World Records, as well as the Arkansas State Medical Review Board. … “They’re performing surgery at a barbecue restaurant,” raves the Jasper City Police Report.

Or, take it from another sort-of doctor — television’s Ellen Pompeo!

Ellen Pompeo: [ obviously reading from cue cards ] Hello. You know, I play a doctor on TV, but Dr. Uncle Jimmy doesn’t play around when it… comes to serving… tender, juicy brisket… [ she stops ] Oh, my — oh, my God, is this an ad for a barbecue hospital?!

Dr. Uncle Jimmy: [ shifting his eyes ] Maybe?

Ellen Pompeo: You told me this was a fundraiser for MS.

Dr. Uncle Jimmy: Well, yeah! If “MS” means “Multiple Sauces”!

Ellen Pompeo: Oh, my God… how could the government let this happen?

[ Uncle Jimmy slips to the rear of the room to join a doctor performing surgery in the corner ]

Dr. Uncle Jimmy: Soooo, uh… well, come on back, with Dr. Uncle Jimmy! Look — this guy liked it!

[ The patient turns to look at the barbecued ribs on the doctor’s plate ]

Patient: [ smiling ] Hey! I hope those aren’t my ribs!

[ the patient and the doctor share the laugh together ]

Dr. Uncle Jimmy: And don’t forget the house rules: [ he holds up an IV bag ] If it’s in a bag, it’s blood… [ holds up a second bag ] unless it’s one of our new barbecue basting bags! Mmm, mmm! That makes me wish that I had… [ reads the patient’s chart ] “drug-resistant staph infection.” [ he hangs the barbecue bag next ot the patient ] Oh, yeah!

Patient: [ expressing concern ] Hey, is that the right bag?

Dr. Uncle Jimmy: Well, either way — you’re going home happy!

[ the doctor quickly replaces the barbecue bag with the IV bag ]

Dr. Uncle Jimmy: So come on down to Dr. Uncle Jimmy’s, on Route 13!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 7

07g: Amy Adams / Vampire Weekend

An SNL Digital Short

Businessman/Superhero….Andy Samberg
Purse snatcher….Jason Sudeikis
Victim….Amy Adams

[Opens with a rainy night in the city. The citybuildings light up the city’s skyline. A businessmanpours himself a drink. He looks out his office window.It is one of the top floors. He sings with a troubled heart.]

Businessman/Superhero: [sings] “As I look down in the city…”

[He looks down from up on the roof balcony]

“…my heart sings and cries…”

[He sits in his office]

“…so much crime and evil, everywhere deceit and lies.”

[A masked mugger runs down the street with a bat, aquick drug sale from a van takes place]

“Brothers turning on their brothers, sisters stealing from her sisters!”

[Back in his office]

“Where the dying go to die.”

[Businessman walks the busy city streets. He looks up to the sky]

“So much lies and corruption, the drugs are killing our children….”

[Appalled at the sight of a homeless wino and an overflowed trash bin]

“And no one seems to care, nobody seems to give a damn!!”

[He slaps his gloves into his hands]

“Evildoer pay the piper, I can’t take another murder.”

[Paper headlines “Another 50 murders”. Businessman is angry, disgusted]

“the time is now at hand…”

[Businessman is back in the office, quick flash. Now the businessman is on top of the roof. He wears a full superhero costume. Cape, mask, purple muscled body suit. Heroic pose. Music becomes more heroic]

“…and so I rise from the ashes, the people need a superhero, someone to save them!”

[A purse snatcher is struggling with a woman to get her purse. She tries to fight him off.]

Victim: Help! Somebody, please help me!

[Our Superhero appears behind the purse snatcher]

Businessman/Superhero: [sings] “You stop!, unhand her right now! You’re about to meet your maker…”

[The purse snatcher looks around, he’s a little surprised by the Superhero]

Businessman/Superhero: “Justice has a new name, YEAH! YEAH!, YEAH!, YEAH! For too long you’ve walked among–“

[He’s interrupted by a punch to face from the pursesnatcher, music stops. The purse snatcher punches ourSuperhero 18 times in the face. Our Superhero finallygoes down on his knees, the purse snatcher continuesto punch him the face again and again. He administers30 more blows to the face of our Superhero. The womanlooks around worried and is feeling guilty that ourSuperhero is receiving an unholy beating because ofher. One of the blows makes our Superhero spit outblood on the sidewalk. The woman makes her way pastthe purse snatcher and our Superhero.]

Victim: I just want to say…thank you. You’vebeen….very brave. [leaves]

[Purse snatcher tires from punching our Superhero inthe face. He picks up a mailbox and crashes it on ourSuperhero’s forehead. Superhero lays flat on thesidewalk unconscious. Purse snatcher picks up a pieceof wood and whacks our Superhero in the chest with it.Purse snatcher finally walks away and leaves ourSuperhero half-dead on the city sidewalk.]

[Screen goes black]

[Cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 7

07g: Amy Adams / Vampire Weekend

Amy Adams’ Monologue

…..Amy Adams
Kristen Wiig…..Amy Adams

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Amy Adams!

Amy Adams: WOW!! Thank you! Thank you very much! Hello! I’m Amy Adams, and welcome to “Saturday Night Live”! And I have been having such an incredible time here, and everyone has been treating me like a real princess! [ she laughs ] Um — I’ve been working with so many talented, wonderful people this week, and — get this, the cutest thing is that one of the cast members, she — she looks so much like me! She could be my sister, you know? [ she glances offscreen ] Kristen? Come up here! Everybody — Kristen Wiig!

[ Kristen Wiig appears on stage ]

Look at us.

[ they put their heads together and smile ]

Isn’t it amazing? Actually, we are SO similar that, uh, we were up for a lot of the same parts in the show, and, three or four times this week, Kristen was gracious enough to step aside. [ Kristen frowns ] But… she’s fine with it! We’re like BEST friends! [ Kristen giggles nervously ] We’re like SISTERS!

Kristen Wiig: [ giggles more nervously, throws her arms in the air ] SIS-TERS!

[ the house band begins to play “What Is This Feeling (Loathing)”, from the movie “Wicked” ]

Amy Adams: “What is this feeling, so sudden and new?”

Kristen Wiig: “I felt it the moment I laid eyes on you.”

Amy Adams: “My pulse is rushing.”

Kristen Wiig: “My head is reeling.”

Amy Adams: “My face is flushing.”

Together:
“What is this feeling?
Fervid as a flame
Does it have a name?
Ye-e-e-e-e-ssss!
Loathing
Unadulterated loathing.”

Kristen Wiig: “For your face…”

Amy Adams: “Jaguar!”

Kristen Wiig: “‘Your clothing!”

Together:
“Let’s just say
I loathe it all!
Every little trait however small
Makes my very flesh begin to crawl
With simple utter loathing
There’s a strange exhileration
In such total detestation
It’s so pure, so strong!
Though I do admit it came on fast
Still I do believe that it can last
And I will be loathing, loathing you
My whole life long!”

Amy Adams: I am younger than you!

Kristen Wiig: I am taller than you!

Amy Adams: I have my original teeth!

Kristen Wiig: I’m… taller than you!

Amy Adams: Wait — wait — this is — this is crazy. I mean, I want you to know that no matter what happens tonight, Kristen… I loathe you! [ she slaps Kristen across the face ] I honestly loathe you!

Kristen Wiig: Ohhh, Amy! [ she punches Amy across the face ] I loathe you, too!

[ they hug one another at a distance, how sweet ]

Together:
“Though I do admit it came on fast
Still I do believe that it can last
And I will be loathing
For forever
Loathing
Truly deeply
Loathing you…
My whole life lo-o-o-o-o-ong!”

[ Amy pushes Kristen out frame ]

Amy Adams: We’ve got a —

[ Kristen runs back into frame ]

Together: GREAT SHOW!!!

Amy Adams: Vampire Weekend is here, so stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 7

07g: Amy Adams / Vampire Weekend

Mirror Image

Hailey Winters…..Amy Adams
Hagley Winters…..Kristin Wiig
Mr. Heffernan…..Bill Hader
Announcer…..Paula Bell

Announcer: You’re watching ABC Family, because sometimes, regular ABC is just a little too in your face. Now, for the premiere of the 10th season of “Mirror Image!”

Theme song: They were two identical twins and they decided to pull a trick/They pretended to be the same person and only did half the work/Their plan was working perfectly, no one suspected a thing/But then they got to high school and one of them got fat! [Shows image of Hailey and Hagley standing at the same weight, then Hagley’s stomach getting larger] Mirror Image!

Mr. Heffernan: Everybody settle down! Settle down, please! Before we dive into the exciting world of Renaissance paintings, I’d like to welcome a new student to Totenville High school, Hailey Winters. [Hailey stands up and waves] Now, Hailey has skipped a grade, but despite her academic prowess, she also managed to win the equestrian championship and won top honor at the science fair, for her project, a cure for diabetes. Wow, Hailey, did I miss anything?

Hailey: I’d say you missed a career in male modeling.

Mr. Heffernan: [Blushes] Wow, that’s…very kind of you. I have to say, I don’t know how you pull it all off.

Hailey: I’ve been told I have the work ethic of two students. [Hailey winks at the camera with a toothy smile]

Mr. Heffernan: Well I’m sure you were able to finish that summer reading report. You do have that book report, right?

Hailey: Oh, right, the um…the book report. Could I just run to the bathroom?

Mr. Heffernan: You go right ahead.

Hailey: Thanks. I’ll be right back. [Hailey winks at the camera and walks out of the room]

Mr. Heffernan: OK, let’s open our textbooks to page 131, please. OK, as you all know…

Hagley: [Walks in the room with a padded stomach] Hey, sorry I took so long in the bathroom. I had to pee so much the whole bowl overflowed. Here’s my report.

Mr. Heffernan: Uh…excuse me, who are you, and what are you doing here?

Hagley: What do you mean? I’m Hailey Winters! And I’m here to learn about [Trying to pronounce Renaissance Paintings] Ray…nay…sounce pantines.

Mr. Heffernan: You’re Hailey.

Hagley: Yeah!

Mr. Heffernan: You’re not even sitting in the right desk.

Hagley: Yeah, I know, I was just testing you and you failed! But you’re not failing at getting my privates really sweaty! [Classroom cringes]

Mr. Heffernan: OK, that’s really not appropriate! Now if you’re Hailey, then what were we talking about before you went to the bathroom?

Hagley: Uh…I don’t know, penguins or some junk! Look, I’m gonna go to the bathroom again because I gotta barf! [Winks at camera and farts; exits room]

Mr. Heffernan: OK, I’m sorry about that, I’m gonna call down to the principle’s office and let them know there’s a weirdo wandering around.

Hailey: [Reenters] Hey, I hope I didn’t miss anything! [Winks at camera]

Mr. Heffernan: Actually, a very odd girl came in here pretending to be you.

Hailey: Oh don’t be silly, Mr. Heffernan, that was me. [Winks]

Mr. Heffernan: No…this person was noticeably fatter. And based on her one attempt at classroom participation, she was functionally illiterate.

Hailey: I think you were just looking at me from a different angle. [Winks]

Hagley: [Reenters] Hey, I’m back to learn your stupid class about garbage.[Winks] [Hailey and Hagley look at each other] Oh crap!

Hailey: Uh-oh! Two Haileys! Quick, let’s mix it up so they can’t tell who’s who! [Hailey and Hagley ciircle each other around while old hysteria music plays, until Hagley falls and breaks the teacher’s desk] Watch out! Stupid desk!

Mr. Heffernan: Okay, wait. Are you two trying to pass yourselves off as one student so you only have to do half the work?

Hailey and Hagley: Yes Mr. Heffernan/Hammermash.

Hailey: It’s Heffernan!

Hagley: Hammerman!

Hailey: Heffernan!

Hagley: Whatever! [Farts]

Mr. Heffernan: So you’re obviously the smart twin, and you must be…the athletic twin?

Hailey: No, that’s also me.

Mr. Heffernan: So what does she do?

Hagley: I’m good at crosswords.

Hailey: She means word search, and she’s not good at that either.

Hagley: No, crosswords!

Hailey: Oh right! She’s good at swearing.

Hagley: Ass right I am!

Mr. Heffernan: Has this plan ever worked?

Hailey: No…we just change schools ever day.

Mr. Heffernan: Wait, which one of you is the real Hailey?

Hailey: I guess you’ll never know. [Winks]

Hagley: It’s not me, my name is Hagley! [Winks, makes a longer farting noise this time; Hailey sighs, title screen shows up]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 7

07g: Amy Adams / Vampire Weekend

Goodnights

…..Amy Adams

Amy Adams: Thanks to Vampire Weekend! Thanks to Lorne Michaels! Thanks to this amazing cast!! [ the audience cheers ] Oh, thank you, guys! Thanks for showing up!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 7

07g: Amy Adams / Vampire Weekend

Fierce: The Hot Mess Makeover Show

Christian Siriano…..Amy Poehler
Stephanie…..Casey Wilson
Tim Gunn…..Bill Hader
Heidi Klum…..Amy Adams

Announcer: Watch what happens when Bravo! brings you the newest makeover show.

Christian: Fierce!

[Christian sighs as he enters the apartment]

Christian: This place, it is like a hot tranny mess up in here!

Stephanie: Oh, well, I tried to clean up.

Announcer: Season 4 Project Runway winner Christian Siriano shows fashion victims the light on Fierce: The Hot Mess Makeover Show.

Christian: This jean jacket is a hot mess, but these stirrup pants are fierce. This turtleneck is tranny fierceness. Tranny!

Stephanie: I don’t…know what that means.

Christian: Fierce, tranny, you better work.

Stephanie: I’m sorry, I…do I look like a transvestite?

Announcer: Watch as the young fashion fiend flat-irons his hair and tells it like it is in his own private language.

Christian: [Going through contestant’s closet] Tranny, tranny, fierce, fierce, fierce, tranny, hot mess, cute, cute tranny, cute tranny, hot mess, tranny tranny…no, fierce, no, hot mess… [phone rings] Hold on, tranny. Hello? Hey tranny! It’s tranny. You’re a hot mess! Well you’re a tranny. Well you’re a hot tranny. Well you’re a hot mess. Well you are too! Bye!

Stephanie! I need to tell you something. You are a tranny who looks like a hot mess, and not in a good way. You’re a tickety tack tranny hot mess out of control super tranny from Transylvania who is not apologizing for it.

Stephanie: Is that good? Or…I’m sorry, I don’t understand a word you’re saying.

Announcer: Look who else stops by! Wise Bravo! elder…

Tim Gunn: That’s a lot of look.

Announcer: …Tim Gunn!

Tim Gunn: This worries me. Don’t bore Nina! Make it work.

Christian: No, YOU make it work, silver tranny ferocia!

Tim Gunn: We’re gonna have to go through your underwear drawer.

Stephanie: I thought you were gonna redo my bedroom.

Christian: Hey look! Look at these tranny panties. [Tim holds his nose] Hot mess.

Announcer: Enjoy everyone’s catchphrases! And check out this fierceness.

Heidi Klum: You’re either in or you’re out.

Announcer: Heidi Klum!

Heidi Klum: I’m sorry, Stephanie, you’re out! Auf Wiedersehen! [Heidi kisses Stephanie on both cheeks]

Stephanie: But I live here.

Heidi Klum: I’m so sorry, you’re out.

Stephanie: But can I come back?

Heidi Klum: No, you cannot come in or out. You’re out, you have to stay out!

Stephanie: I don’t get this show!

Heidi Klum: Oh, obviously.

Christian: Bye, have fun, tranny!

Tim Gunn: Make it work. That worried me.

Heidi Klum: Out!

Announcer: Fierce: The Hot Mess Makeover Show. Like Project Runway, with some of the same people, half the budget and twice the catchphrases. Scratch that–THREE times the catchphrases!

Christian: Fierce!

Submitted by: Joe Murray

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 7

07g: Amy Adams / Vampire Weekend

Couples Therapy

Dr. Helen Winston…..Amy Adams
Brian…..Will Forte
Bagdana…..Amy Poehler

[ open on exterior, office building ]

[ dissolve to exterior, office door: “Dr. Helen Winston — Couples Therapy” ]

[ dissolve to interior, office, Dr. Helen Winston beginning her counseling session with ?? ]

Dr. Helen Winston: I know this is your first time in Couples Therapy, and that it seems like a scary journey… but the good news is the love is there. And you’ve already taken the hardest step, by coming here.

Brian: [ smiling ] Well, thanks, Doctor… I-I-I feel better already! I-I guess, uh, the main problem is communication. Uh, I feel like we — we listen to each other, but we don’t always hear each other?

Dr. Helen Winston: Mmm… How do you feel, Bagdana?

Bagdana: I am citizen. You — you cannot take away! Citizen, now! [ reaches over ] Documents — documents in bag! [ opens bag, pulls out documents ] Real marriage!

Dr. Helen Winston: Hmmmm… [ she nods ] I think Bagdana makes a very interesting point — [ making quote-signs with her fingers ] “Real marriage” isn’t always the picture-perfect fairy tale people make it out to be. Would you agree with that, Brian?

Brian: Definitely!

Dr. Helen Winston: Bagdana?

Bagdana: [ clutching her documents ] Uh — it’s real — it’s real marriage! This is real! Real marriage!

Dr. Helen Winston: Okay. I understand that you’ve been having some… intimacy issues?

Brian: Yes. Our, uh — wedding night was spectacular. But, uh, ever since we’ve started living together, uh — Bagdana and I haven’t actually been intimate at all.

Bagdana: [ shaking her head ] No! I gave the sex! On wedding night! [ opens her documents and scampers through the papers ] Proof of intercourse, uh, documents and photos… yes! [ she holds this proof up ] It’s legitimate marriage! Bagdana never return to village — no more plow… no more pig! Bagdana free now!

Dr. Helen Winston: You know what? I think I’m sensing some boundary issues here.

Brian: Yeah! Well, you know… all I-I’m really asking is for her to open up a little more.

Dr. Helen Winston: [ taps her pen on her nose ] Ding, ding, ding, ding! Good, Brian — we’ve identified one of your needs. Now, Bagdana, why don’t you talk about some of your needs? Needs that, maybe, aren’t being met.

Bagdana: Uh — uh — I need husband to sign K-3 form… [ holds up the form in front of Brian ] Petition for alien wife. Sign top… initial bottom… submit by certified letter by May 16th.

Brian: Okay…

Bagdana: Yes. [ shoves form to Dr. Helen Winston ] You! You — you — you the witness! You witness — you sign bottom — certifiy marriage — use black pen, press very hard!

Dr. Helen Winston: Okay, Bagdana… is it the documents you want him to pay attention to, or… is it your feelings?

Bagdana: [ considers the question for a moment ] Documents. You sign documents — today! I gave the sex.

Dr. Helen Winston: Ahhh! Aha! We’re getting somewhere! This is about TRUST — it’s about validation. Okay! Now, we’re gonna try a fun little role-playing exercise. Bagdana, I want you to play Brian… and, Brian, I want you to play Bagdana. Go!

Brian: [ thinking ] Uh — “Brian?” Uh — “You are the man of my dreams,” um — “You complete me.”

Dr. Helen Winston: Okay. Bagdana, your turn. And, remember, you’re playing Brian.

Bagdana: [ blinking incoherently for a moment ] “My name Brian.” [ she blinks ] “I am to busy to sign document today. Leave document on table. Me already American, me take for granted.” [ points ] “Oh, look — there is McDonald’s. We stop — McDonald’s. Never enough of the McDonald’s. My butt is so fat! Is disgusting!” [ she spits on Brian’s shoe ] “I am Brian.”

Dr. Helen Winston: Okay! That was valuable, Bagdana. Thank you for sharing that.

[ Bagdana just stares blankly across the room ]

Dr. Helen Winston: You know what’s especially helpful? To go back to the beginning, when the love started. Brian, I want you to tell me about that special day.

Brian: [ misty-eyed ] Oh, I will never forget it. I was at, uh — South Street Seaport… walking along the docks… when this beautiful angel popped out of the hole of a Bulgarian fishing boat. [ glances lovingly at Bagdana ] Uh — she had this nervous expression on her face, and she kept looking over her shoulder. Uh — as soon as she saw me, she just GRABBED me! And I asked her what her name was, she asked me if I was an American citizen… the next thing I knew, we were married!

Dr. Helen Winston: That’s a beautful story. But we’re out of time. Before you go home, I — I want you to look in each other’s eyes and say something positive — it could be anything, as long as it’s from the heart.

[ Brian looks deep into Bagdana’s eyes ]

Brian: I love you, Bagdana. You are my life.

[ Dr. Helen Winston smiles, and nods for Bagdana to return the volley ]

Dr. Helen Winston: Bagdana?

Bagdana: [ blinking ] Uh — you sign for… I give one more sex.

[ Brian smiles, then leans over to kiss Bagdana’s cheek ]

[ Dr, Helen Winston stands and smiles ]

Dr. Helen Winston: Good work today! And, Bagdana? We’ll get to those, uh, forms some other time.

[ Brian stands him and Bagdana up and pulls her toward the door ]

Bagdana: [ crying out ] No! Wait! Bagdana so close — please! Please sign it!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 7

07g: Amy Adams / Vampire Weekend

Clinton Attack Ad

Hillary Clinton…..Amy Poehler

[ open on Hillary Clinton seated behind desk in her office ]

Hillary Clinton: I’m Hillary Clinton… and I approved this unfair — and deceptive — message.

[ dissolve to negative ad ]

Voiceover: [ over SUPER ] This Election Is About Change.

Voiceover: [ over SUPER ] But It’d Also About something Else.

Voiceover: [ over SUPER ] Experience.

[ dissolve to U.S. Senate Building, 3am, as the phone rings ]

Announcer: It’s 3am. Across our country, kids are sound asleep. But, somewhere in the nation’s capitol, a phone is ringing. Your vote will decide… who answers that call.

[ the phone is answered is a darkened bedroom ]

Hillary Clinton’s Voice: Hello?

Operator’s Voice: Senator Clinton? I have President Obama on the line.

Hillary Clinton’s Voice: I’ll take it.

[ reveal photos of Barack Obama using the phone ]

Barack Obama’s Voice: Uh… Hillary? I’m sorry to call this late again, but… I need your help.

[ interchange between the Obama photos and Clinton, dressed in beauty mask, curlers and grannie pajamas, sitting up in bed ]

Hillary Clinton: Mr. President, what can I do?

[ SUPER: “Dramatization” ]

Barack Obama’s Voice: The CIA has just confirmed that Iran has created a nuclear device. It looks like the Russians, the North Koreans, and Hugo Chavez has been helping them.

Hillary Clinton: I was afraid of that. When did this start.

Barack Obama’s Voice: Apparently, the day I was sworn in. [ angered ] Those mother[bleep]!! Those [bleep]!! I trusted them! I gave them my complete and total trust! And they [bleep] LIED to me!!

Hillary Clinton: Mr. President —

Barack Obama’s Voice: Oh, my God! I am so [bleep]!! What do I do, Hillary? What do I do?!

Hillary Clinton: Mr. President, you can start by getting a hold of yourself.

Barack Obama’s Voice: [ crying ] I ca-an’t!! Don’t you see that I’m in a panic?! A blind, unreasoning, inexperienced PANIC!!

Hillary Clinton: For God’s sake, Mr. President! Man up! Calm down and listen!

Barack Obama’s Voice: Okay…

[ SUPER: “Dramatization” ]

Hillary Clinton: First of all, go to our key allies — the British, the Germans, the French — and show them our Intelligence.

Barack Obama’s Voice: Whoa, hold on — I’m writing this down! “French… show Intelligence…” Uh-huh. Go on.

Hillary Clinton: The Russians will back down. Helping Iran is a clear violation of the Nuclear Nonproliferation Treaty.

Barack Obama’s Voice: The what Treaty?!

Hillary Clinton: Ask the Secretary of State. He can explain it.

Barack Obama’s Voice: Al Sharpton? Uh… between you, me, and the lamp — not my best appointment.

Hillary Clinton: Well, what’s done is done.

Barack Obama’s Voice: Right. Chalk it up to inexperience.

Hillary Clinton: By the way, Mr. President, you sound a little stressed. [ yelling ] You’re not SMOKING again, are you?!

Barack Obama’s Voice: [ aghast, as he holds a cigarette in his photo ] No, I’m not smoking!

Hillary Clinton: You better not be!

Barack Obama’s Voice: Well, I’m not. Anyway, thanks again. I do apologize for calling so often.

Hillary Clinton: I don’t mind, Mr. President. It’s for the good of the country. Although, if this is going to be a regular thing, I feel as though I should get paid or something. Because it’s, like, you know, every night!

Barack Obama’s Voice: I understand —

Hillary Clinton: Is that it?

Barack Obama’s Voice: One other thing. I think the heat may be off in the White House.

Hillary Clinton: Really? Completely off?

Barack Obama’s Voice: I think so. It’s [bleep]ing freezing in here! What do I do?

Hillary Clinton: [ sighs ] Alright. Go down to the basement, open the panel in front of the furnace —

Barack Obama’s Voice: Hold on — let me get my pen.

Hillary Clinton: Open the panel on the furnace —

Barack Obama’s Voice: Uh-huh.

Hillary Clinton: You’ll see a red button. Hit that once, and wait about 45 seconds. It should come back on.

Barack Obama’s Voice: Once again, I am amazed by the range and depth of your experience. I’d gladly trade ALL of my superficial charm and rock star appeal for even a part of it.

Hillary Clinton: I appreciate that, Mr. President.

Barack Obama’s Voice: Because this job is ha-ard! I had NO idea! I mean, it is a [bleep] ballbuster!

Hillary Clinton: Mr. President, would you kindly avoid the profanity? It’s really one of your least attractive traits — that the public doesn’t know about.

Barack Obama’s Voice: Sorry. Hey, before I go — is Bill there?

Hillary Clinton: [ frowning ] It’s 3am. What do you think? Alright… call those allies!

Barack Obama’s Voice: Yeah, yeah. I will. Goodbye.

[ dissolve back to Hillary Clinton seated at her desk ]

Hillary Clinton: What you’ve just seen is a dramatization of a frightening future. A dramatization based on facts. Well… not facts. More of what we call “specious campaign talkin points”. Also, for legal reasons, I should point out there is absolutely no evidence that Senator Obama has ever used profanities, that he has started smoking again, or that he knows any less about home heating than I do. Still, the point is: the future we described doesn’t have to be. If you want a different future — a safe, confident, more experienced future — there is something you can do. You can call or write the offices of the Democratic National Committee, and tell them: “Wait! We’ve changed our minds!” With enough pressure, we can convince party leaders that nominating my opponent would be a huge mistake. So, whether you’re a lifelong Democrat concerned about our party’s chances in November, or a Republican with your own agenda posing as a Democrat — since, as far as we can tell, they have no way of checking — we need you to get to the phone.

[ SUPER: “Call the Democratic National Committee
(202) 555-0111″ ]

Hillary Clinton: It’s not too late. We CAN turn this around. Yes, we can. I actually used that first. It’s true. I did. And, one more thing: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 7

07g: Amy Adams / Vampire Weekend

Roger Clemens Presents

Roger Clemens…..Jason Sudeikis
Reporter…..Darrell Hammond
Skip…..Bill Hader
Matt Mulgrew…..Amy Adams
Player…..Kenan Thompson
Maury…..Fred Armisen
Salazar…..Amy Poehler
Timmy…..Andy Samberg
Doctor…..Will Forte

[Segment opens with mock “Masterpiece Theater”-type theme song, and a fancy but modified title caption reading “Roger Clemens Presents.” Clemens appears behind a black background, a la Alfred Hitchcock or Robert Montgomery, and looks kind of nervous as he prepares to narrate his first play.]

Roger Clemens: Good evening. I’m seven-time Cy Young Award Winner Roger Clemens. Recently I’ve been in the news due to a widening federal perjury probe that has both the FBI and the IRS giving me major red-ass. The whole thing has made me so angry, I’ve decided to write a play titled “Guess What, Dingbats; Steroids ARE Good for Baseball.” Yeah, I wrote a play, so shut up! Act one. Let’s do it.

[Claps his hands and walks off-screen signaling the start of the act. Black backgroud opens up to the office of a baseball team manager with portaits of his teams’s best players including Matt Mulgrew. The manager, nicknamed Skip is being interviewed by a sports reporter. The whole scene looks like a cheesy movie set during the “Golden Age” of Baseball]

Reporter: So, uh, how do you feel about the new season, Skip?

Skip: I feel great. We’ve got young pitching, we’ve got a deep bench. We’ve got Mulgrew.

Reporter: What about Matt Mulgrew? Your slugger’s been tied to steroids.

Skip: Ah, don’t worry about Matt Mulgrew.

[Reporter seem reassured. An un named player opens the manager’s door]

Player: Hey, Skip, Mulgrew’s here and I think there’s a problem.

Skip: Is something wrong? He’s not hurt is he?

Player: Uh, no he’s not hurt, but umm…

[Mulgrew himself walks in the office and much to our surprise he has shrunk to the size of a young girl.]

Matt Mulgrew: Good news, Skip. I’m off the juice.

[Fades to black, Clemens shows up]

Roger Clemens: End of act one. I know it’s a short act, but get off my back. It’s my FIRST PLAY! You get it so far? All the big fellas are gonna get scawny and weak… like those stat geeks nobody likes. Act two takes places from where act one left off. Let’s do it, come on.

[Clemens claps his hands and walks off-screen again. Black background lightens up to the same setting]

Skip: Mulgrew, I’d have to say you look scrawny and weak, like those stat geeks everybody hates. Is this gonna affect your performance?

Mulgrew: Nah, don’t worry. I’m still the same POWER-HOUSE!

[Maury, the batting coach walks in the door]

Maury: Hey, Skip.

Matt Mulgrew: Maury, hey!

Maury: Where’d the rest of you go?

Matt Mulgrew: Aw, whaddayou guys so worried about? Gimme da bat.

[Maury hands him the bat which proves to be so heavy for him he falls flat on his face. He get’s right back up, trying to keep his balance. Maury leaves as Skip brings Mulgrew to his desk]

Skip: Look, Mulgrew. I really need power from you this year.

Matt Mulgrew: Mm-hmm.

Skip: Steroid power. If things don’t change, I might have to bench you.

Matt Mulgrew: Well, now that I’m smaller uh, maybe I could play second.

Skip: Yeah, I have Salazar at second.

[Salazar opens the door, and sure enough, he too is now as scrawny as Mulgrew]

Salazar: [in bad hispanic accent] Did somebody call me?

Matt Mulgrew: Yo, Salazar!

[They high-five each other]

[Fades to black, Clemens shows up again]

Roger Clemens: End, SCENE! See what’s happening? Thanks to those nerds in Congress, like Henry Waxman, all your heroes are tiny and useless. Act three takes place in a hospital. And it’s a REAL TEAR-JERKER!

[Clemens walks off agaon. Black background fades to hospital setting. A sick “little” kid has an I.V. device and other medical equipment He lays there, coughing and wretching. Violin music plays in the background.]

Timmy: Mulgrew!

Matt Mulgrew: Hey, Timmy. Did you see the game today?

Timmy: No. Did you hit a home run for me like your promised?

Matt Mulgrew: I can’t hit home runs anymore, but uh, I walked twice and got to second on a throwing error.

[Timmy flatlines. A doctor approaches his bed]

Doctor: He’s gone.

Matt Mulgrew: [wooden] Doc, what happened?

Doctor: This kid died of a broken heart, because baseball sucks now, because of stats geeks no one likes.

Matt Mulgrew: [equally wooden] Nooooooooo!

[Mulgrew bows his head Background fades to black and Clemens shows up again crying this time]

Roger Clemens: The end. You happy now, Congress? You just killed a kid!

Voice: Calm down, Roger.

Roger Clemens: NO YOU CALM DOWN! I DON’T CALM DOWN, YOU CALM DOWN! I’M THE ROCKET!

Voice: This isn’t helping.

Roger Clemens: YOU’RE NOT HELPING! I AM MAD ALL THE TIME!

[fade]

Submitted by: Daniel Dey

SNL Transcripts