Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 7


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


March 8th, 2008

Amy Adams

Vampire Weekend

None

None
Clinton Attack AdSummary: Hillary Clinton’s (Amy Poehler) latest attack ad gives a glimpse of the future to demonstrate the foibles of President Barack Obama at 3am.

Recurring Characters: Hillary Clinton.

Transcript

Montage

Amy Adams’ MonologueSummary: Amy Adams brings Kristen Wiig onstage to demonstrate via song how alike their appearances are.

Bio: Amy Adams (1974-). Actress; Best Supporting Actress Academy Award nominee for “Junebug” (2005); as the star of “Enchanted” (2007), she performed its Academy Award-nominated song at the 80th annual Academy Awards ceremony.

Transcript

Mirror ImageSummary: Hailey Winters (Amy Adams) and her fat twin sister Hagley (Kristen Wiig) try to pass themselves off as one student when they enroll at a new school.

Transcript

Couples TherapySummary: Newlyweds Brian (Will Forte) and runaway Bagdana (Amy Poehler) are having marital difficulties because he still hasn’t fully signed all of her immigration papers.

Transcript

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Hero (Andy Samberg) sings about cleaning up the city before being repeatedly pummelled by a purse-snatcher (Jason Sudeikis).

Transcript

Fierce: The Hot Mess Make-Over ShowSummary: “Extreme Makeover” contestant Christian Siriano (Amy Poehler) has his own fashion show, and it’s filled with endless catchphrases.

Recurring Characters: Heidi Klum.

Transcript

Vampire Weekend performs “A-Punk”Bio: Indie rock/Afro-pop band; members are: Ezra Koenig, Rostam Batmanglij, Chris Tomson, Chris Baio.

Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth MeyersSummary: Sen. Tim Calhoun (Will Forte) also seeks the Democratic nomination for the Presidency. Jean K. Jean (Kenan Thompson).

Recurring Characters: Tim Calhoun.

Penelope at Traffic SchoolSummary: Penelope (Kristen Wiig) one-ups fellow students while attending traffic school.

Recurring Characters: Penelope.

Dr. Uncle Jimmy’s Smokehouse and Outpatient Surgical FacilitySummary: Dr. Uncle Jimmy (Will Forte) half-excels in both barbecue and medical surgery.

Transcript

Roger Clemens PresentsSummary: Roger Clemens (Jason Sudeikis) has written a play that demonstrates the results of not letting baseball players use steroids.

Note: This sketch was cut from last week’s dress rehearsal.

Transcript

The Tookie Styles ShowSummary: Tookie Styles (Kenan Thompson) announces that his early 1980’s cable access show is now on DVD, and it features plenty of clips of political dignitaries dancing to Tookie’s hip-hop beat and nearly getting assassinated.

Vampire Weekend performs “M79”

CelebrationsSummary: A quartet of desperate women (Amy Adams, Kristen Wiig, Amy Poehler, Casey Wilson) perform a single dance move in varying speeds in order to impress men at a bar.

GoodnightsTranscript

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Dress Rehearsal Cuts

WDHX NewsSummary: Field reporter (Amy Adams) reports live, via tape delay, where her desk anchors (Will Forte, Kristen Wiig) are unable to protect her from jungle creatures about to attack.

Note: This sketch was also cut from last week’s dress rehearsal, but will eventually air on the 2011-12 season premiere with Kristen Wiig assuming the role of the field reporter.

Hotel RoomSummary: Hotel employee (Amy Adams) informs an overnight guest (Jason Sudeikis) of the most opportune time and place to masturbate within the hotel.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 6

07f: Ellen Page / Wilco

An SNL Digital Short

Young Woman…..Ellen Page
Crazed Psycho…..Andy Samberg
Wolfman…..Will Forte
Dracula…..Jason Sudeikis
Debbie Lieberstein…..Kristen Wiig

Night. A young woman lies asleep in bed.

Suddenly, she jolts up from a bad dream in a cold sweat, breathing heavily until she’s certain there is no danger.

She enters the bathroom, still breathing heavily, then turns on the light

She turns the tap water on in the sink, then pulls the mirrored medicine cabinet open to retrieve a bottle of aspirin. As she closes the medicine cabinet, the reflection of a crazed psycho appears in the mirror behind her.

A sharp music sting sounds

The pyscho has disappeared once the young woman turns around to inspect the bathroom.

Young Woman: [ frightened ] Hello?

She catches her breath, then lowers her head toward the sink so she can rinse her face with the fresh tap water

She raises her head to reveal the crazed psycho standing once again behind her reflection in the mirror

Music sting

The young woman turns around again to look, but no one is there. She returns her gaze to the mirror, but hers is the only reflection within it. She rubs her eyes. As she does, the psycho rises behind her in the mirror’s reflection.

Music sting

She turns around again, but there’s no one behind her. She returns her gaze to the mirror, and there waits the crazed psycho.

Music sting, as she screams

Her gaze returns to the mirror. Music sting — there he is.

She spins around. Music sting — the psycho is revealed holding a Mai Tai in one hand before disappearing.

She spins around. Music sting — the psycho is revealed holding a huge lollipop in one hand before disappearing.

She spins around. Music sting — the psycho is revealed lifting two-pound hand weights in each hand before disappearing.

She screams and gasps. She returns her gaze to the mirror; the psyxho is gone. She breathes a sigh of relief, then checks the reflection again. Still no psycho.

She turns around and the psycho is now standing directly behind her in the bathroom.

Music sting.

Back in bed, the young woman jolts up from this bad dream in a cold sweat, breathing heavily until she’s certain there is no danger.

She re-enters the bathroom, still breathing heavily, then turns on the light. The psycho is sitting in the dark, on the toilet, reading a newpaper. He’s embarrassed by her sudden intrusion.

Crazed Psycho: Oh, God! someone’s in here… someone’s in here!

In his own bed, the crazed psycho jolts up from this bad dream in a cold sweat, screaming. He breathes heavily until he’s certain there is no danger.

He enters the bathroom, still breathing heavily, then turns on the light

He turns the tap water on in the sink, then pulls the mirrored medicine cabinet open to retrieve a bottle of aspirin. As he closes the medicine cabinet, the reflection of the young woman, smiling, appears in the mirror behind him.

Music sting, as he screams.

Back in bed, together, the young woman and the crazed psycho jolt up from this bad dream in a cold sweat, breathing heavily and looking at one another with slight trepidation. They cautiously move their fingers to touch one another, to make sure the other is real.

Music sting as their fingers touch, and a werewolf rises from the sheets betweem them. They both scream, and the werewolf suddenly disappears.

In his bed, Dracula jolts up from this bad dream in a cold sweat. He breathes heavily until he’s certain there is no danger. Another music sting, as Debbie Lieberstein jolts up in bed next to him, breathing heavily.

Dracula: Are you okay?

Debbie Lieberstein: I just remembered my Mom’s birthday is tomorrow, and I forgot to get her something.

Dracula: Oh… oh, whoa, whoa, baby, we’ll think of something…

Debbie Lieberstein: [ she sighs ] You promise?

Dracula: Yeah. I promise.

Debbie Lieberstein: I love you, Dracula.

Dracula: [ he chuckles ] Oh, I love you, Debbie Lieberstein!

Back in bed, the young woman jolts up from this bad dream in a cold sweat, breathing heavily until she’s certain there is no danger.

Music sting, as the crazed psycho rises from the side of the bed and they scream simultaneously.

Fade.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 6

07f: Ellen Page / Wilco

Shopping with Virginiaca

Virginiaca…..Kenan Thompson
Young Salesman…..Andy Samberg
Stepdaughter…..Ellen Page

Announcer: And now, Shopping With Virginica!

Virginiaca: [enters the Baby Gap] Oh, ooh! Oh, whoo, oh, I made it! Oh, my goodness, I am winded. How come Baby Gap gotta be on the second floor? Babies can’t be crawlin’ all the way up in here! They got little baby hands and feet! [eats some cake out of her purse] Ooh, this cake is good.

Young Salesman: [comes up to her] Hello there. May I help you?

Virginiaca: [flirting] That depends, can you lift me up over your head?

Young Salesman: I doubt it.

Virginiaca: Well, how ’bout just my bottom half?

Young Salesman: Uh, are you interested in some baby clothes?

Virginiaca: That depends, do you wanna see me in some baby clothes?

Young Salesman: Ma’am, I’m only 18.

Virginiaca: Inches?

Young Salesman: OK. If you need me, I’ll be nowhere. [leaves]

Virginiaca: I don’t understand that! Oh, where is this girl? [into her walkie-talkie cell phone] Girl, you are gettin’ on my one big nerve! Where is you?!

Stepdaughter: [enters] Dang, Mama, I was at the Proactiv booth gettin’ some free samples! [her shirt is full of small samples]

Virginiaca: Well, all right then! [opens purse] Dump ’em in here! Don’t tell Vanessa Williams, though.

Stepdaughter: [putting samples into her purse] What Vanessa Williams don’t know won’t hurt her!

Virginiaca: I don’t wanna hear your foolishness! OK, we gotta get you some outfits for spring break.

Stepdaughter: Just make sure that it’s tight-and-right! [does a little dance move]

Virginiaca: You are so nasty. You are so nasty. Oh, girl, check this out, look at this here! Mmm! [picks up a tiny pair of pants] Woop woop woop! [the stepdaughter does a dance] Booty-shorts alarm! Booty-shorts alarm!

Stepdaughter: All right, how much is this? [holds the pants up towards the salesman] How much this? [he doesn’t reply] I’m sayin’ how much these booty-shorts?!

Young Salesman: Those aren’t booty shorts, they’re baby pants.

Virginiaca: Mm-hmm.

Stepdaughter: You tellin’ me I can’t be tryin’ these on?

Young Salesman: They’re not gonna fit.

Stepdaughter: Mama, I think he’s tryin’ to seminate that I’m fat or somethin’!

Virginiaca: Why you callin’ her fat? Where are your scruples?

Young Salesman: OK, these are clothes for babies. Are you guys planning on buying something for a baby?

Virginiaca: Yes we are, this is my step-baby right here. We can buy this whole store if we wanted to! Maybe you know my husband, Mr. Cedric Earlsworth Hastings, of Hastings Aluminum Tubing? Mm-hmm! [shows her big diamond ring] Ta-dow! And my name is Virginiaca.

Stepdaughter: Lucky for you he’s not up in here with me and my stepmoms, he’s havin’ IBS somethin’ turrible.

Virginiaca: Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. I used up two giant cans of Oust this mornin’ and I was like “I got to get ‘Oust’ of here!”

Stepdaughter: Just tell me where I be tryin’ these shorts on!

Young Salesman: Ma’am, I’m sorry, I can’t have you stretching out the merchandise.

Stepdaughter: For srs?! Mama, he won’t let me be tryin’ these shorts on, so how I can tell if I can do my booty back-and-forth?!

Virginiaca: [deep, scary man-voice] Why can’t my baby do her booty back-and-forth?

Young Salesman: I don’t even know what that is.

Virginiaca: Well, watch and learn! [they go to a table and stand on either side and do the booty-dance] Slide the booty back, push your booty forth. Booty back-and-forth, booty back-and-forth, [the salesman looks bewildered] booty back-and-forth, booty back-and-forth, booty back-and-forth, shake it with a fork! [they both celebrate]

Stepdaughter: I just brought this whole situation up to a higher level!

Virginiaca: [eats some chips out of her purse] Mm-hmm, baby, you sure did, mm-hmm.

Stepdaughter: Oh, Mama, those corn chips are full of trans-fats!

Virginiaca: Hush up, girl! I’m gettin’ my Niacen. [appears to lose something in her purse, but leaves it] Now how ’bout we try on some shorts!

Young Salesman: I can’t let you do that.

Virginiaca: Oh, OK, you know what? Baby girl, why don’t you go up to the Chick-Fil-A and get Mama some nuggrets?

Stepdaughter: Where’s the Chick-Fil-A!

Virginiaca: It’s off the esqualator!!

Stepdaughter: [exiting] DANG, MAMA!

Virginiaca: [does a little dance up to the counter] Uh, well, excuse me, have you ever been to D.C.?

Young Salesman: Washington?

Virginiaca: No. [leans down so that her boobs are on the counter, and points to each one] D and C. Yeah, I’m pleasingly lopsided.

Young Salesman: Oh, no thank you.

Virginiaca: OK, well, how ’bout this: [pushes clothes off table, climbs onto it and kneels on all fours with her butt towards his face] You see this position I’m in right now?

Young Salesman: Yes.

Virginiaca: Imagine it wigglin’ and nekkid.

Young Salesman: And I quit! [exits]

Virginiaca: [shakes it] Booty back-and-forth! Booty back-and-forth! [scene ends]

Submitted by: Rose

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 6

07f: Ellen Page / Wilco

The Continuing Adventures of Peter Pan
Captain Hook…..Bill Hader
Smee…..Will Forte
Peter Pan…..Ellen Page
Tinkerbell…..Amy Poehler
Redbeard…..Fred Armisen
Pirate #1…..Jason Sudeikis
Pirate #2…..Kenan Thompson

[ open on book entitled “The Continuing Adventures of Peter Pan” ]

Narrator: And now, the continuing adventures of Peter Pan. [ turns page ] Chapter 26: Hook’s Revenge. After years of humiliation at the hands of Peter Pan and the Lost Boys, a frustrated Captain Hook summons his pirate crew to discuss a change in strategy.

[ dissolve to Hook’s ship where he has assembled his crew ]

Captain Hook: Okay men, gather around. Guys, right here. So I called this meeting so we could talk about the Peter Pan situation. Last night, he raided our ship with his gang of Lost Boys, and stole three trunks of treasure.

Smee: Well, the Lost Boys are a wily bunch, Captain Hook.

Captain Hook: They’re literally a group of children. They’re 10, 11 years old, tops. Their swords are made out of wood. You’re professional pirates. With guns.

Redbeard: We’ll get ’em next time, huh?

Captain Hook: Well, we better, because they’re making us look ridiculous. Other pirates laugh at us.

[ an alarm sounds ]

Pirate #1: [ looks through telescope ] Captain! Peter Pan’s comin’!

Captain Hook: Okay, this is good! Okay, here’s our chance. Is everyone’s gun loaded?

Pirates: Aye!

Captain Hook: [ in hammy tone ] You’re luck’s run out, Peter Pan!

[ All the pirates move to the side and wait as Peter Pan flies in with the Lost Boys. He lands in the middle of the ship. ]

Captain Hook: Shoot him! Shoot him!

[ Pirates stare in awe as the Lost Boys join Peter and start singing and dancing as a horrified Hook looks on ]

Peter Pan: [ singing ]
“I don’t care for rules. I’d rather laugh and play. Don’t tell me what to do! I won’t do what you say! I’d rather be a boy than a grumpy old man. Hey, Captain Hook! Catch me if you can!”

[ Peter and the Lost Boys steal a bag of treasure and fly away ]

Captain Hook: Why didn’t anybody shoot him?! He was right in front of us! [ goes back to middle of ship ] Why didn’t anybody- [ hears Smee humming ] Stop humming his song! Look, we’re down to our last sack of treasure. What just happened?

Smee: Ah, he got away.

Captain Hook: Hey, Redbeard.

Redbeard: Yes, Captain?

Captain Hook: Hey, I want you to stand right here, okay? [ places him near the middle on two barrels ] Okay, keep your finger on the trigger. If Peter Pan comes back, I want you to shoot him in the head, okay?

Redbeard: Okay, but what if I don’t have a clear shot?

Captain Hook: Look, he always go to the same spot, right? [ goes where Peter had stood ]

Redbeard: Right…

Captain Hook: For his dances.

Redbeard: Right!

Captain Hook: So I want you to stand right here, point blank, [ makes gesture of brains being blown out ] pow! Okay?

Redbeard: Right. Aye-aye, Captain.

Captain Hook: Good.

[ alarm sounds again ]

Pirate #1: [ looks through telescope ] Captain! They’re comin’ back!

Captain Hook: Okay, okay, this is good! This is good! Redbeard, what are you gonna do if Peter Pan gets back here?

Redbeard: Shoot him in the back of the head!

Captain Hook: Great! Here we go, men! [ in hammy tone ] You’re luck’s run out, Peter Pan!

[ Pirates go to the side again as Peter flies in and lands in middle of ship ]

Captain Hook: Shoot him! Shoot him! He’s right there – shoot him!

[ Peter is joined by Lost Boys and they start singing and dancing again as pirates look on in awe ]

Peter Pan: [singing]
“We don’t need guns!”

Lost Boys: “No, we don’t need guns!”

Peter Pan: “And our swords are made of wood!”

Lost Boys: “And our swords our made of wood!”

Peter Pan: “But we’re gonna steal the treasure!”

Lost Boys: “Yes, we’re gonna steal the treasure!”

Peter Pan: “Because our hearts are pure and good!”

Lost Boys: ” ‘Cause our hearts are pure and good!”

[ Peter and the Lost Boys steal another bag of treasure and fly away. As soon as they’re gone, Redbeard finally fires his gun. ]

Captain Hook: [goes back to middle, scratching his chin with his hook ] Okay. Hey guys, guys, um…I’m gonna ask every to grade themselves, okay? Smee, how do you think you did?

Smee: Ah, C minus.

Captain Hook: Redbeard, what about you?

Redbeard: I’m gonna say B plus.

Captain Hook: B plus? Seriously?

Redbeard: Nobody knew he was going to steal the treasure. We had no idea!

Captain Hook: Oh, good point. Except we did know, because he sang about it!

Smee: Which part?

Captain Hook: The part where he sang, “We’re going to steal the treasure.”

Smee: Oh yeah! That was my favorite part. [ other pirates agree ]

Captain Hook: [ frustrated ] People, people! We’re pirates, okay?! Murderers? Is everybody clear on that?

Pirates: Aye-aye!

Captain Hook: Okay then, no more mistakes. [ in rushed tone ] You’re luck’s run out, blahbladedeblah.

[ alarm sounds again as Hook runs to the side of the ship ]

Pirate #1: [ looks through telescope ] Oh, they’re comin’! They’re comin’ back!

Captain Hook: Come on, guys, let’s go! Here we go!

[ Peter flies in again to the middle of the ship, this time with Tinkerbell ]

Captain Hook: Shoot him! Shoot him! You got a clear shot – shoot him!

Peter Pan: [ singing ]
“Hey there, Tinkerbell. What do ya say?”

Captain Hook: Shoot him!

Tinkerbell: [ singing ] “Peter, you’re my hero in every way!”

Captain Hook: Shoot him!!

[ As Peter starts dancing, the other pirates join him. ]

Peter Pan: [ singing ] “We don’t need guns!”

Pirates: “No, we don’t need guns!”

Captain Hook: [ spoken ] What are you doing dancing?!

Peter Pan: “And I’d rather laugh and play!”

Pirates: ” ‘Cause he’d rather laugh and play!”

Captain Hook: [ spoken ] Shoot him! [ steps down towards the middle ] Pardon me, guys. I guess I gotta do everything around here. Hold on. [ hits Tinkerbell to the floor and repeatedly stomps on her ]

Tinkerbell: Oww! Ow, ow, ow, ow, owww!

Pirates: Hey!

Peter Pan: Good heavens! You’ve killed Tinkerbell!

Captain Hook: Yes, yes. See guys? It’s not that hard.

Peter Pan: Unless…

Smee: [ determined ] What is it, Peter Pan? Is there something we can do?

Peter Pan: Well, maybe if enough Peter clap their hands to show that they believe in fairies…

Captain Hook: [ annoyed ] Aw, give me a break!

Peter Pan: …Well maybe, just maybe, Tinkerbell will come on back to life! Come on everyone! Yeah! [ everyone claps except for Hook ] Tinkerbell! [ Tinkerbell comes back to life and Peter and pirates celebrate ]

Captain Hook: [ mocks ] Yay! [ gives up ] I’m out! I’m out!

Peter Pan: Yeah! Tinkerbell! Yeah! [ starts singing ] “We don’t need guns!”

Pirates: “No, we don’t need guns!”

Peter Pan: “And we’d rather laugh and play!”

Pirates: “And we’d rather laugh and play!”

[ “The End” screen comes up as Peter and pirates dance ]

[ fade ]

Submitted by: Laura Fanjoy

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 6

07f: Ellen Page / Wilco

Wilco performs “Hate It Here”

…..Ellen Page
…..Wilco

Ellen Page: Ladies and gentlemen — Wilco.

Wilco: [ singing ]
“I try to stay busy
I do the dishes, I mow the lawn
I try to keep myself occupied
Even though I know you’re not coming home

I try to keep the house nice and neat
I make my bed I change the sheets
I even learned how to use the washing machine
But keeping things clean doesn’t change anything

What am I gonna do when I run out of shirts to fold?
What am I gonna do when I run out of lawn to mow?
What am I gonna do if you never come home?
Tell me, what am I gonna do?

I hate it
I hate it here
When you’re gone

I caught myself thinking
I caught myself thinking once again
Have to try to keep my mind out of this
Try not to pretend

I’ll check the phone
I’ll check the mail
I’ll check the phone again and I call your mom
She says you’re not there and I should take care

I hate it here
When you’re gone
I hate it
I hate it here
When you’re gone

I try to stay busy
I take out the trash, I sweep the floor
Try to keep myself occupied
Cause I know you don’t live here anymore.”

Submitted by: Joshua Dallas Razo

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 6

07f: Ellen Page / Wilco

Ellen Page’s Monologue

…..Ellen Page
Diablo Cody…..Andy Samberg

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Ellen Page!

Ellen Page: Wow! Thank you! Thank you very much! I’m Ellen Page, and oh my god, it is great to be here hosting Saturday Night Live. I mean I’ve had an amazing year, I was nominated for an Academy Award for my role in Juno, [applause] No, I didn’t win, I didn’t win you guys, but you know — being in New York is just such a thrill for me, it’s —

[Diablo Cody walks out with her Oscar she won for writing Juno]

Diablo Cody: Um, Excuse me!

Ellen Page: Wow. Hey guys, this is my friend, Diablo Cody, she wrote Juno!

Diablo Cody: What’s up? You left your hamburger phone. [Hands Ellen a hamburger]

Ellen Page: Thanks.

Diablo Cody: So what’s the dealio, home-skillet? What happened to what I wrote for you?

Ellen Page: Yeah, I know I asked you to write something for me at that Oscar party, but, when I read it, I thought it felt more like how Juno would talk than me.

Diablo Cody: Play it again, Samantha! I blog to differ.

Ellen Page: I’m really sorry, Diablo. I know you worked really hard on it.

Diablo Cody: Yeah, you bet your stupid human ass I did, Page Against the Machine. Need ye forget, my bologna has an first name, it’s O-S-C-A-R! [Flaunts her Oscar around]

Ellen Page: Congratulations. Okay, if it means that much to you, I’ll read what you wrote.

Diablo Cody: Awesome! And go.

Ellen Page: Okay, thank you, thank you! Gracias por mucho, señor. It’s great to be here hosting Saturday Night Lizzive.

Diablo Cody: Great, great. You’re doing great, you’re doing great.

Ellen Page: You know, things have gone cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs since I started Juno, which was common denominated for Best Flickeroni. Diablo, I’m sorry. I’m not really comfortable saying this right now.

Diablo Cody: What’s your dental damage, Kermit the Blog? I mean exquise me for writing you a world-class monoblog.

Ellen Page: Okay, you’re using the word blog entirely too much.

Diablo Cody: What the blog are you blogging about, Sonic the Hedgeblog? Blog the Bounty Hunter? Captain Sblog?

Ellen Page: Okay, will you just–

Diablo Cody: Snoop Bloggy Blog featuring Nate Blog!

Ellen Page: Great Diablo. I’m really sorry, but if I could just do this the normal way, I mean I’m hosting…

Diablo Cody: It’s Coolio Iglesias. I’m gonna drink my way into Sunny D-tinis. I heard the after parties here are off the Hulk like Bruce Banner’s shirt.

Ellen Page: Way to leave on a high note.

Diablo Cody: I was a stripper!

Ellen Page: Well, we have a great show, Wilco is here, so stick around, we’ll be right back.

Submitted by: Joe Murray

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 6

07f: Ellen Page / Wilco

Goodnights

…..Ellen Page

Ellen Page: Thanks to Wilco, Vincent D’onofrio, Sen. Hillary Clinton, Mayor Rudolph Giuliani, and everyone at SNL! I had an amazing week, thank you!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 6

07f: Ellen Page / Wilco

The Melissa Etheridge Experience

Marty….Ellen Page
Rico….Andy Samberg

[Opens with a young guy playing video games in his living room couch. A cute young girl enters the room a little out of breath with a black Melissa Etheridge t-shirt, jeans.]

Rico: Hey, babe. How was the Melissa Etheridge concert?

Marty: Oh my God! It was awesome!

Rico: Oh, good.

Marty: No, no, no. Like un-freakin’-believable!

Rico: I’m glad you had fun.

Marty: No, you don’t understand! It was like all this women packed in there, you know, and they were all like in every shape and size and they were all singing and bonding! And there were tables were you could sign like…petitions for, female, circumcisions….to stop, and, and Suze Orman was there and she had this booth for gay mortgages and there were all this girls in athletic tank tops and I was like “Oh, my God!”

[Jumps and lands besides Rico on the couch]

Rico: And how was the actual concert?

Marty: Oh, Melissa was insane! And her girlfriend came out and sang something with her and they showed slides of their kids and it was so inspiring! And then The Indigo Girls came out as a surprise and I was like “AAAAAAHHHH!!!”

[She jumps a couple of times]

Rico: Were there any guys there?

Marty: No, no…and then they all sang “Closer I Am To Fine” together in this big great lezzie jam and that is such a memory song for me!

Rico: It is?

Marty: Yeah, and then Ellen DeGeneres came out and did this bit about being in the closet when she was young and I was like “AAAAAAHHHH!!!”[She jumps back on the couch] It was so funny and true, you know, and I just don’t know what to do with myself because I felt so free, you know?[She lies on the couch]

Rico: Marty, did you go gay in that concert?

Marty: Gay? No way! I don’t know what you mean by gay though.

Rico: I don’t know like “ladies having sex with each other” gay.

Marty: I just felt like I was an oil lamp that’s never been lit. Now I’m finally burning bright with sister fire. Oh God, and there were so many cute short haircuts and wearable art and I don’t care that I don’t have make-up on! Everybody smelled so good and I was like “AAAAAHHHH!!!”

[She slides from the couch into the floor]

Rico: You so went gay at that concert.

Marty: Oh, why does everything has to have a fricking label?![She opens up her legs wide, spread eagle, she holds her legs open] Why can’t I just hug a woman with my legs in friendship?

Rico: Yeah, you are like primo lesbian now.

Marty: What is lesbian though? Really! Come on!

Rico: I don’t know, you and another girl sucking face with no bras on and not because it’s my birthday?

[She jumps back on the couch and she gets very close to Rico’s face]

Marty: Its not like that, Rico! I just really ache to have deeper relationships with the women in my life![Getting turned on she whispers on Rico’s ear] Especially the tall one that was standing next to me with the dark ponytail and she was like, had this legs and they were all brown and they were strong and they were shooting out of her shorts….ahh!

Rico: Marty, this might just be a phase.

Marty: Like a permanent phase?

Rico: Well, I just want you to know that if it turns out you are a real lez, then I’ll go gay too and we can still live together.

[They face each other on the couch and look straight into each others eyes]

Marty: You’re the best.

Rico: So are you.

[They give each other a heartfelt hug]

[fade]

[Cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 6

07f: Ellen Page / Wilco

The Dakota Fanning Show

Dakota Fanning….Amy Poehler
Reggie Hudson….Kenan Thompson
Mylie Cyrus….Ellen Page
Mariam Budia….Casey Wilson
Sharoiki Kasuko….Fred Armisen
Bruce Vilanch….Jason Sudeikis

[Opens with a cool jazz riff from Reggie and his band on a TV studio. Child actress Dakota Fanning in a pink blouse comes out and waves to the crowd]

Caption: The Dakota Fanning Show

Reggie: Its The Dakota Fanning Show! With your host Dakota Fanning!

Dakota Fanning: Hello, hello everyone. And welcome to The Dakota Fanning show. Where child actors have the opportunity to discuss a wide range of issues. From the ascension of Raul Castro in the lingering sub prime mortgage crisis, to lighter topics like the new Cai Guo Qiang exhibit at the Guggenheim. Before we get started has everyone seen the film Persepolis? Reggie?

Reggie: Um, I don’t think so.

Dakota Fanning: You know, the adaptation of Marjane Satrapi graphic novel?

Reggie: Graphic novel? You mean, like a comic book?

Dakota Fanning: That’s right, Reggie. But in this comic book no one has mutant powers so you might not be interested!

[Reggie is offended]

Dakota Fanning: The marvelous Reggie Hudson!

[Cool jazz riff. Dakota jumps like a little girl on her chair]

Dakota Fanning: As you know The Dakota Fanning Show has been off the air during the writer’s strike and I would like to take this opportunity to welcome back our incredible writing staff. Spanish playwright Mariam Budia[shot of Mariam depressed face], Japanese poet Sharoiki Kasuko[shot of nerdy poet], and Bruce Valanch![shot of Bruce with his beard and wild hair, giddy as hell waving hello] He’s the best! Now, the goal of this show has always been to represent the voice of my generation and today we’ll hear that voice first-hand in a new segment called “Kids speak”.

Reggie:[sings the jingle]Kids speak! Speaking with kids! Kids speak!

[Cut to Dakota in Rockefeller Center, microphone in hand asking questions to three kids]

Dakota Fanning: Did Stalin bring down the Soviet Union? Or was it an experiment doom to fail?

[The kids are stumped]

Kid: What?

[Cut to another little kid]

Dakota Fanning: What’s your favorite David Lynch movie?

Kid: Uuummmm…..

[Cut to another kid]

Dakota Fanning: What’s your thought on the nuclear crisis in Iran?

[cut to another kid]

Dakota Fanning: Did you catch Phillip Glass at Carnegie Hall?

Kid: No.

[cut to boy and a girl]

Dakota Fanning: Who’s your celebrity crush?

Girl: Zach Ephron.

Dakota Fanning: Mine’s Charlie Rose!

[cut to 3 kids]

Dakota Fanning: Updike or Gaddis?

[cut to another kid]

Dakota Fanning: Tolstoy or Dostoevsky?

[cut to 3 kids]

Dakota Fanning: “Bonjour Tritesse”—masterpieces or overrated?

Kid: What’s a masterpiece?

Dakota Fanning: That’s a good question!

[cut to a black kid]

Dakota Fanning: Is Sarkozy trampling French people’s rights?

[kid is stumped]

Jingle: Kids speak!

[cut back to studio on Reggie]

Reggie: What the f…?

Dakota Fanning: My guest this evening stars on a show called Hannah Montana. An obvious allusion to Montana Wildhack from Vonnegut’s “Slaughterhouse-Five”. Please welcome, Hannah Montana herself, Mylie Cyrus!

[Mylie and Dakota jump around like little girls then both take a seat]

Mylie Cyrus: Oh my gosh, Dakota! Its such a thrill to be here!

Dakota Fanning: I’m sure it is! Now, I understand you’ve been on some kind of a concert tour?

Mylie Cyrus: Oh, you wouldn’t believe it! I got to perform in 54 cities for over a million people. Wow!

Reggie: Hey, I took my kids to see your concert, Mylie. You were amazing! Those songs are still stuck in my head.

Dakota Fanning: Well then, you better keep those songs coming, Mylie! Cause he’s got a lot of space to fill!

[Reggie’s smile disappears. Offended again]

Dakota Fanning: Now Mylie, tell me about your character, Hannah Montana!

Mylie Cyrus: Well, I have sort of a dual personality. Like, I’m Mylie Cyrus in normal life but on stage I’m Hannah Montana! Whooo!

Dakota Fanning: Interesting. You know, I have a music career also and an alter ego. You’re Hannah Montana and I’m Wanda Rwanda. Can we show the album cover?[shot of the album cover is sickly blue with Dakota looking all depressed holding her hand up. Wanda Rwanda a jam sesh called Wanda] Its an unique mix of spoken word, industrial jazz, folk funk, aeolian wind harp solos and covers of Tom Waits B-sides.

Mylie Cyrus: Awesome! Did you collaborate with Reggie on the album?

Reggie:[angry] Yeah, did you collaborate with Reggie on the album? Because I seem to remember Reggie waiting on winter for a phone call.

Dakota Fanning: It was more of a solo project. But if I ever need a second fiddle I won’t forget ‘ol Reggie!

Reggie:[mutters under his breath] Yeah, I’ll fiddle with your car brakes.

[Mylie brings out a doll]

Mylie Cyrus: Hey, hold it Dakota! Check this out! Its my new Hannah Montana doll. Its pretty awesome, right?!

Dakota Fanning: Yeah, I also have a doll. Its for my upcoming film called “Hurricane Mary” were my sister and I play severely disabled twins.

Mylie Cyrus: You want to play?

[Close-up on Mylie’s doll and Dakota’s hideous half-size doll.]

Dakota Fanning: Oh, I wish I could play but I’m severely disabled.

[Drops doll on its face]

Mylie Cyrus: Can I just sing one of my songs?

Dakota Fanning: You got it! But only if you let me join you on the Hurdy Gurdy!

Reggie: Hit it!

[Mylie gets up and rocks out]

Mylie Cyrus:[sings] Best of both worlds! Chilling out, take it slow then you rock out the show! You’ve got the best of both worlds!….

[Dakota cranks an old timey music box that she has hanging from her neck]

Caption: The Dakota Fanning Show logo.

[fade]

[cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 6

07f: Ellen Page / Wilco

The College For Excellence

Representative….Fred Armisen
Student/Businessman….Kenan Thompson
Student/Secretary 1….Ellen Page
Student/Secretary 2….Kristen Wiig
Clueless Student….Andy Samberg

[Opens with an office. A guy in a suit and tie enters with some files on his hands. He appears nervous. The 2 secretaries sitting at the desks appear a little robot-like. Tentative behavior]

Businessman: I have the Anderson files. Should I put them on the desk?

Secretary 1: Oh, the Anderson files. File them for the meeting.

Secretary 2: I hope Johnson’s gonna be there. His briefcase is full of those files.

[A guy enters the frame in a suit and tie also and thumbs to the office scene behind him]

Representative: How is that for professional speak? Most people would enter that situation and be intimidated. But you don’t have to be. Learn the ins and the outs of the business world by enrolling in The College For Excellence.

[Shot of The College For Excellence. It is on top of the Korean Savings Bank]

[Back to the office scene]

Representative: I know what you’re saying. “Ha,ha,ha. Look how cheap that place looks. That’sso tacky looking”. Well, laugh it up because actually real estate New York is like that. There’s all kinds of situations where one business is right on top of another. That’s just the way it is here. Here at The College For Excellence you will learn respected terminology[a clueless student opens the door and wanders around behind the representative for the college, he fumbles some fliers in the bulletin board] that businessmen use all around the world. Terms like: “Where are the Johnson files?” [signals for the change of cue card, the clueless student looks at the camera, walks out] “Are you going to that meeting at 8 a.m.?”[signals]”Fax this for me, please”[signals]”Fax this for me, please”[signals]”Let’s get in the elevator, everybody”[signals]”Give me those files and I’ll give you these”[signals]”Renee, can you get Maclunahan on the phone?”[signals twice, clueless student enters again and wanders around]”Write a proposal ASAP, please”[signals]”We should meet that dead line”[signals, clueless student goes out the door again looking directly into the camera]”It went to voice mail”

Student/Secretary 1: [tentative] I learned all kinds of terms at The College For Excellence. “I sent that mass e-mail and I cc’d everybody”[student/businessman enters the frame to say something but pulls back] “Dial her extension”, “That’s a private matter”, “I just used the copier, here you go”

Student/Businessman: [nervous] I, I learned expressions such as: “That’s their loss”, “Well, I wasn’t told about that”[Student/Secretary 2 mouths the expressions next to Student/Businessman] “These files all have to be updated” “These can be shred” “I put it in your drawer” “Talk to his assistant” “That’s not my concern, talk to his assistant”

Representative: That’s right. I’ll even show you physical things like how to handle over files.

Student/Businessman: Here you go.[gives the files to Student/Secretary 2]

Student/ Secretary 1: This one?

Student/Businessman: [gives files back to Student/Secretary 1] Yes.

Representative: It’s The College For Excellence and you should enroll now! Do it!

3 Students: Do it!

Representative: [very sincere] Yeah, hey, um, you know, I know a lot of you, you know, smart guys from colleges who have a high-paying jobs, you know, you guys are all laughing at this, you know, you’re saying to your friends “Oh, this late night commercials, they’re so cheesy, ha,ha,ha” But, you know,um, this is a decent establishment and it really helps some people.[clueless student wanders in again, he talks with the other student behind the College For Excellence representative] And I seen it work. And if its not for you, then great, move on. But you know, you don’t go sendingthis around on e-mail going:”Oh, look at this, you should see this place. Its stupid. Heh,heh,heh”Don’t do that, you know, so[signals] roll the end part. Thank you. Thanks a lot.

[Shot of The College For Excellence logo]

Announcer: That’s The College For Excellence on 33rd street. Between 6th avenue and 7th. Above the Korean bank. It’s a decent establishment, so enroll! If its not for you, then great, move on.

[fade]

[cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts