Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 33: Episode 6 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
March 1st, 2008 Ellen Page Wilco None Vincent D’Onofrio Hillary Clinton Rudolph Giuliani Democratic DebateSummary: News anchors continue to fawn over Barack Obama (Fred Armisen) while giving Hillary Clinton (Amy Poehler) during their latest Democratic debate. Afterwards, the real Hillary Clinton gives an editorial response to the sketch. Bio: Vincent D’Onofrio (1959-). Actor; portrayed Private Leonard “Gomer Pyle” Lawrence in “Full Metal Jacket” (1987); has starred as Det. Robert Goren on “Law & Order: Criminal Intent”, since 2001. Bio: Hillary Clinton (1947-). Politician; served as First Lady under President Bill Clinton, 1993-2001; served as senator for New York, since 2001. Recurring Characters: Brian Williams, Tim Russert, Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton.
Montage
Ellen Page’s MonologueSummary: Former stripper and “Juno” screenwriter Diablo Cody (Andy Samberg) chides Ellen Page for not using the wacky-worded monologue she wrote for the occasion. Bio: Ellen Page (1987-). Actress; nominated as Best Actress for starring in “Juno”. Transcript
The Dakota Fanning ShowSummary: After taking to the street to discuss real issues with real kids, Dakota Fanning (Amy Poehler) welcomes “Hannah Montana” star Miley Cyrus (Ellen Page) to the program. Recurring Characters: Dakota Fanning, Reggie. Transcript
TV FunhouseSummary: In “The Obama Files”, Barack Obama stays one step ahead to keep former Democratic also-rans Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton away from his campaign trail.
The College For ExcellenceSummary: Pitchman (Fred Armisen) touts the fully-serious business school that teaches the phrases which will guarantee success a the office. Transcript
The Other Boleyn GirlsSummary: The roster of Boleyn sisters descends from the attractive Anne (Ellen Page) to a hideous man-in-drag (Kenan Thompson).
An SNL Digital ShortSummary: During a series of nightmares, a young woman (Ellen Page) continuously sees a crazed psycho (Andy Samberg) in “The Mirror”. Transcript
Wilco performs “Hate It Here”Bio: Chicago rock band formed in the wake of alternative country group Uncle Tupelo in 1994; members: Jeff Tweedy, John Stirratt, Nels Cline, Glenn Kotche, Pat Sansone, Mikael Jorgensen. Lyrics
Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth MeyersSummary: Former Mayor Rudolph Giuliani declares it was his appearance in drag while hosting “Saturday Night Live” ten years earlier that cost him his bid for the Republican nomination. Comedian Nicolas Fehn (Fred Armisen). Recurring Characters: Nicolas Fehn.
The Continuing Adventures of Peter PanSummary: Captain Hook’s (Bill Hader) plans for revenge on Peter Pan (Ellen Page) go awry when his pirates join the chorus of Lost Boys. Transcript
Wilco performs “Walken”
The Melissa Etheridge ExperienceSummary: When Marty (Ellen Page) is super-psyched after returning from a Melissa Etheridge concert, her boyfriend Rico (Andy Samberg) thinks she turned gay. Transcript
Dress Rehearsal Cuts WDHX NewsSummary: Field reporter (Kristen Wiig) reports live, via tape delay, where her desk anchors (Will Forte, Ellen Page) are unable to protect her from jungle creatures about to attack. Note: This sketch will also be cut from next week’s dress rehearsal.
Roger Clemens PresentsSummary: Roger Clemens (Jason Sudeikis) has written a play that demonstrates the results of not letting baseball players use steroids. Note: This sketch will air on next week’s episode hosted by Amy Adams.
Announcer: “Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers.”
Seth Meyers: It’s good to see you again! I’m Seth Meyers!
Amy Poehler: And I’m Amy Poehler! Here are tonight’s top stories.
The New York Times this week printed an article alleging that John McCain may have had an improper affair with lobbyist Vicki Iseman. Or, as it’s known among lobbyists: “lobbying”.
The province of Kosovo, on Sunday, declared independence from Serbia, prompting Hillary Clinton to ask, “So who gets those delegates?”
Seth Meyers: On Tuesday, after 49 years in power, 81 year-old Fidel Castro resigned as Cuba’s president. Quitter!
U.S. military officials have announced that they successfully shot down a damaged spy satellite Wednesday, and that the resulting shards of debris are expected to be no larger than footballs — THOUSANDS of them — raining down from the sky in an apocalyptic nightmare of toxic hellfire. So, rest easy.
Amy Poehler: According to Los Angeles officials, the Hollywood Writers Strike cost the city $2.5 billion. Or, roughly: ten movies about treasure.
Seth Meyers: Baseball player Andy Pettitte apologized Monday for taking performance-enhancing drugs, blaming his actions on “stupidity” and “desperation”, and “not expecting to get caught.”
During his visit to Liberia this week, President Bush was given the nation’s highest civilian honor — a meal.
Amy Poehler: Scientists on Monday said they have discovered evidence of a large toad, nicknamed the “devil frog”, which lived 65 million years ago and may have eaten newborn dinosaurs. But then, when pressed for details, the scientists admitted they were just making it all up.
Seth Meyers: After his win in Wisconsin on Tuesday, Sen. John McCain announced himself the Republican nominee for President. This despite the fact that his closest rival, Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee, remains in the race. Here to explain why he has yet to recede, Gov. Mike Huckabee! [ applause as Huckabee appears to Seth’s left] Uh — hello, Governor, hello.
Gov. Mike Huckabee: Hello, Seth… Amy.
Seth Meyers: So, Governor — you remain in the race, despite the fact that it’s a mathematical impossibility that you can win. And our question is: Why?
Gov. Mike Huckabee: Well, Seth, uh — the media loves to throw around the term “mathematical impossibility”… but no one can ever explain exactly what that means to me.
Seth Meyers: Well, let me give it a shot. Basically, it takes 1,191 delegates to clench your party’s nomination, and, even if you won every remaining unpledged delegate, you would still fall 200 delegates short.
Gov. Mike Huckabee: [ amazed ] Wow. Uh — Seth, that was an excellent explanation, uh — but I’m afraid that you overlooked the all-important SUPERDELEGATES. Don’t forget about them.
Seth Meyers: Alright. Well, I won’t forget about them… but the superdelegates are only in the Democratic Primary.
Gov. Mike Huckabee: [ stunned ] Uhhh — they can’t vote in the Republican Primary?
Seth Meyers: They cannot.
Gov. Mike Huckabee: Uh-oh! [ his face turns red ] Uh — that’s not good news. Yuo know, Seth, I was counting on those superdelegates!
Seth Meyers: Uh-huh. Sorry to break that to you! Now, uh — does this mean that, now that you know that, you’re gonna drop out of the race?
Gov. Mike Huckabee: Well, fortunately, Seth, uh — I’m not a math guy. I’m more of a miracle guy. Uh, so, at this point, I’m going to focus on the miracle part. But if that miracle doesn’t happen, let me assure the American people that Mike Huckabee does not overstay his welcome. When it’s time for me to go, I’ll know… and I’ll exit out with class and grace.
Seth Meyers: Well, that is really good to know. We appreciate your stopping by, Governor. Gov. Mike Huckabee, everyone!
[ the audience applauds ]
Gov. Mike Huckabee: Thank you, Seth… thank you, Amy.
Seth Meyers: No, no — thank you so much for stopping by.
Gov. Mike Huckabee: Well, thank you! Great to be here!
[ Huckabee remains seated, as Seth and Amy wait for him to make his exit ]
Amy Poehler: It was great having you.
Gov. Mike Huckabee: Well, it was just GREAT being here!
Amy Poehler: Great.
[ Huckabee remains seated at the desk ]
Seth Meyers: Gov. Mike Huckabee, everyone!
[ Huckabee remains seated ]
Seth Meyers: Uh — Governor — Governor Huckabee..?
Gov. Mike Huckabee: Seth?
Seth Meyers: I — I think we’re done now, sir.
Gov. Mike Huckabee: Oh, right. You — you know, normally I pick up on those things. Uh — sorry.
[ Huckabee pulls away from the deks and exits ]
Seth Meyers: Alright. Gov. Mike Huckabee, everybody! Great — he’s GREAT with social cues!
Amy Poehler: A kitten that ran out of its carrier case in a New York City subway platform has been found after 25 days in the underground tunnels. The kitten reportedly survived by hooking up with a hip-hop dance crew.
It was announced this week that butter and sweets will no longer be on the menu at New York City jails. Great news for inmates “Butter” and “Sweets”.
Seth Meyers: A California man’s collection of 301 rare American pennies sold at auction this week for $10.7 million. Far exceeding my pre-auction estimate of three dollars and one cent.
Officials at Nickelodeon have begun casting for the lead in the new “Dora the Explorer” live-action movie, and here’s the frontrunner: [ photo of Javier Bardem from “No Country For Old Men” ] He may be a little dark, but it’ll work…
Amy Poehler: Rapper Snoop Dogg was given a desk appearance ticket Wednesday night in New York for possession of marijuana. Snoop called the ticket “unfair” and “hard to roll”.
Lurch, a dog in Michigan, was given the Pet’s Best Friend award by a local American Red Cross chapter, for donating blood over twenty times. Now, obviously, Lurch can’t talk, but, if he could, I think he would say: “Mmm… my balls are delicious!”
Seth Meyers: The hot new toy at this year’s Toy Fair is the Spykee Robot, which can change TV channels, play music from its built-in iPod dock, and send live video through a WiFi connection. Yet another in a long line of setbacks for wooden blocks.
Matthew McConaughey will appear shirtless in TV ads for Dolce & Gabbana’s new fragrance — also, everywhere else.
The name of the fragrance? You guessed it — [ in character: ] “Alright, alright, alright..!”
Amy Poehler: And now it’s time for the latest installment of “Women’s News”, with special “Women’s News” correspondent Tina Fey.
Tina Fey: Thank you, Amy. I think we can all agree that it’s a great time to be a lady in America. And not just because of that new yogurt that helps you poop — although, on the serious, thank you for that yogurt!
Now, let’s take a look at the stories affecting your daughters and mothers and the grouchy ladies in your office.
Lindsey Lohan recently recreated an old Marilyn Monroe photo shoot for New York Magazine, and I have to hand it to Lindsey for continuing to find new and different ways to look old.
A new study shows that strokes have tripled in recent years among middle-aged women, which doctors blame on obesity… and which I blame on sixty-five year-old women calling themselves middle-aged.
Kirstie Alley is saying that rumors that she has regained the weight she lost on Jenny Craig are not true. Hmm? She knows we can see her, right? It’s not some kind of Scientology invisibility cloak?
And, finally, the most important women’s news item there is: We have our first serious female presidential candidate in Hillary Clinton — [ audience applauds ] And, yet, women have come so far as feminists that they don’t feel obligated to vote for a candidate just because she’s a woman. Women today feel perfectly free to make whatever choice Oprah tells them to.
Which raises the question: Why are people abandoning Hillary for Obama? Some say that they are put off by the fact that Hillary can’t “control her husband” and that we would end up with “co-presidents”. ‘Cause that would be terrible, having two intelligent qualified people working together to solve problems. Ughh. Why would you let Starsky talk to Hutch? I wanna watch that show “Starsky.” You know, what is it, America? What is it? Are you weirded out that they’re married? Because I can promise you they are having exactly as much sex with each other as George Bush and Jeb Bush are.
Then, there is the scrutiny of her physical appearance. Rush Limbaugh, the Jeff Conaway of right wing radio, said that he doesn’t think America is ready to watch their president “turn into an old lady in front of them.” Really? They didn’t seem to mind when Ronald Reagan did that.
I think what bothers me the most is when people say that Hillary is a bitch. And, let me say something about that: Yeah, she is! And so am I! And so is this one! [ she points to Amy Poehler ]
Amy Poehler: Yeah, deal with it!
Tina Fey: You know what? Bitches get stuff done. That’s why Catholic schools use nuns as teachers and not priests! Those nuns are mean old clams, and they sleep on cots and they’re allowed to hit you! And, at the end of the school year, you hated those bitches, but you knew the capital of Vermont! So, I’m saying it’s not too late, Texas and Ohio! Get on board! Bitch is the new black!
Amy Poehler: Tina Fey, everyone!
Seth Meyers: It’s great ot be back! For Weekend Update, I’m Seth Meyers.
Donald Trump….Darrell Hammond Jennifer Tilly….Kristen Wiig Ted Allen….Jason Sudeikis Charles Barkeley….Kenan Thompson Rachel Ray….Casey Wilson Mary Jo Buttafucco….Tina Fey John Mark Karr….Bill Hader Gene Simmons….Fred Armisen Matthew Lesko….Andy Samberg Creepy Old Dancing Guy from The Six Flags Commercials….Amy Poehler Judge Lance Ito….Will Forte
Announcer: Hollywood is back to work and so is NBC[TheHollywood sign, NBC offices and logo]with all theshows you’ve been missing. Just check out our newre-vamped Thursday night line-up.
Caption: Thursday.
Announcer: At 8:00 its an all new “CelebrityApprentice” [The O’Jays “For the love of money” plays.Celebrity Apprentice logo]Can “Queer Eye’s” Ted Allensurvive the wrath of the Donald?
[Cut to Donald Trump sitting at his boardroom tableand Ted Allen and Jennifer Tilly sit in front of him]
Donald Trump: Team Strike Force Dragon. Your task wasto invent a new flavor of gushers. America’s leader ingummy fruit snacks. You came up with the parma-berry.Jennifer Tilly, what is a parma-berry?
Jennifer Tilly: Its Parmesan cheese and boysenberry.
Donald Trump: Ted Allen from “Queer Eye”. I was toldyou were the gay guy with good taste. What gives?
Ted Allen: Well, I really thought the combination ofthe citrus with the ripeness of Parmesan would createa surprising mouth feel.
Donald Trump: It was gross! My daughter said it wasthe smelliest thing she ever put in her mouth! Guesswhat? You’re f—[scene freezes]
Announcer: Who knows what will happen next?
Caption: NBC Premiere Event
Announcer: Then at 9:00 its a special NBC “CelebrityApprentice. The New Breed”
Caption: Celebrity Apprentice. The New Breed.
Announcer: With Greg Allman[photo], MarioCantone[photo], Ron Popeil[photo], 1979 “Penthouse Petof the Year” Cheryl Rixon,[photo], Lou Bega[photo] andJaleel White[photo]. But first in the boardroom itsThe Food Network’s Rachel Ray and Sir CharlesBarkeley.
[Cut to the boardroom. Rachel smiles big, open mouthedand Charles stares at her with dumb look on him]
Donald Trump: Team Righteous Fist of Harmony. Thisweek I instructed you to come up with a dynamic new adcampaign for barefoot cruises. America’s premierclothing-optional cruise line. They’re dynamite.They’re really dynamite.Charles Barkeley, what did youcome up with?
Charles Barkeley: OK. Barefoot Cruises. “Its a newfangle, for your old dingle dangle”.
Donald Trump: Its not sexy. We’re talking barefootcruises. Its classy, erotic, like bearskin rugs andthree-cheese fondue! Rachel Ray?
Rachel Ray: Ooh! FONDUE! YUM-MERS! You could eat somuch they should call it FON-DON’T![braying laugh]
Charles Barkeley: Oh, Rachel Ray, you’re a nationaltreasure. Hey, I got one. Barefoot Cruises, “feel thebreeze without your dungarees”. OK, I’m fired.[gets up to leave]
Announcer: At 9:30 we mix it up with “CelebrityApprentice Special Victims Unit”.
Caption: Celebrity Apprentice. Special Victims Unit.
Announcer: With Keith Patton, Mary Jo Buttafucco andthe creepy JonBenet Ramsey guy John Mark Karr.
[In the boardroom sits Mary Jo Buttafucco with hercrooked mouth, mangled face and the creepy, unblinkingpederast John Mark Karr. A cop stands behind them]
Donald Trump: Your job is to produce and market yourown sex tape. John Mark Karr, I gotta be honest, yougive me the willies, man. And not in a good way.
John Mark Karr:[deep voice] Really? Well, I alwaysthought I had an innate, natural charisma. [staresahead like the living dead]
Donald Trump: Yuck. Mary Jo Buttafucco, your husbandJoey made a very, very classy sex film. Why didn’t youask him for advice?
Mary Jo Buttafucco:[crooked speech] Well, for obviousreasons we’re not on speaking terms.
Donald Trump: Welly, why? Did something happen between you two?
Mary Jo Buttafucco: Well, he had sex with an underagegirl and then she came to my house and shot me in the face.
Donald Trump: I’m very sorry to hear that. You’refired. What do you think of sex tapes surprising new Celebrity Judge Gene Simmons?
Gene Simmons: If you want to make a hot sex tapeyou’ve got to follow the Gene Simmons holy trinity ofsex tapes. Lock the camera down, keep your shirt onand bless the foreigner.[lowers his shades and gives ademonic smirk] That’s guaranteed to keep every sex tape moist.
Announcer: Then from 9:30 to 9:45 “CelebrityApprentice Goes Commercial” with Matthew Lesko.
Caption: Celebrity Apprentice Goes Commercial
[Matthew Lesko has his book “Free Money” on his hands.His suit is designed with dollar signs painted on it. Glasses, wild hair]
Matthew Lesko: The government will give you 20,000dollars to write your own opera!! BUY MY BOOK!
Announcer: And the creepy old dancing guy from the Six Flags commercial.
[Creepy old dancing guy has thick black eyeglasses,bald head, big nose and a tuxedo on]
Creepy Old Dancing Guy: Mr. Trump, I’m just thrilledto have the opportunity to demonstrate my business acumen.
Donald Trump: Are you gonna dance for us, old man?
Creepy Old Dancing Guy: I’d rather not.
Donald Trump: Then you’re fired. Isn’t that rightShocking Celebrity Judge from the O.J. Simpson trialand I might add–The Tonight Show with Jay Leno. Judge Lance Ito?
[Judge Ito raises his gavel]
Judge Lance Ito:[sing-song]I brought my own gave-e-e-el!!
[NBC logo]
Announcer: NBC. Where quality happens.
[Music from the Six Flags commercials plays]
[The Creepy Old Dancing Guy dances wildly besides TheDonald. Donald looks at him for a moment then turns to the camera]
Kevin (Grandson 1)…..Bill Hader Thomas (Grandson 2)…..Andy Samberg
Announcer: The following is a message for old people.
Grandpa: Hi. Has this ever happened to you? (shows him watching TV) Youre watching a movie and you get confused or scared, because you dont recognize anyone. Well, youre not alone. I used to get scared all the time. But not anymore. Because my wife took all the movies and put my grandkids in them. (shows Kevin and Thomas) Theyre good boys, and theyre pretty good actors, and now, you can enjoy them, too. Because Im selling copies of what my wife did (holds up CD). Check out this scene from “No Country for Old Men”.
Employee 1: Yall gettin any rain up here in a while?
Employee 2: What business is it of yours, where Im from? Frendo.
Grandkids: Hi Grandpa! Hi!
Grandpa: Did you see them? Theyre the ones behind the counter. Thank God my wife did that. I love her so much, even though we sleep in separate beds now. Check out this scene from Michael Clayton.
George Clooney: Right now, theres a BCI unit pulling pay chips of a (phone rings).
Thomas: That phones in the movie, Grandpa. Thats not your phone.
Kevin: Dont get it.
Thomas: Your okay.
Kevin: Okay?
Thomas: Hi!
Kevin: Hi!
Grandpa: You know, I like how it was them instead of some stranger in the movie. How about these other films and the new words theyre saying. I dont understand anything, like in this scene from “Juno”.
Employee: Third test today, mama bear. Your eggo is preggo.
Thomas: Hes saying that he thinks shes pregnant, grandpa.
Employee: Your little boyfriends get meat in sperms, knocked you up twice.
Thomas: Im not actually sure what he meant that time, Grandpa. Hang on.
Employee: That aint gonna let you sketch, this is one doodle that cant be undid, homeskillet.
Thomas: Okay, fast-forward, Grandpa, it gets better.
Kevin: Hi Grandpa!
Grandpa: You know, they also give me a heads-up when things get a bit chaotic. Now take this scene from “The Transforming Robots”.
(Action takes place)
Soldier: MOVE!
(Several explosions take place)
Kevin: Turn it off, Grandpa, its too intense.
Thomas: Too much action!
Kevin: The green button!
Kevin and Thomas: The green button!
Kevin: Turn it off, this isnt real, grandpa.
Grandpa: Now what about volume? Its either too loud or too quiet. Like in “There Will be Blood”.
Creepy Guy: Well if its in me, its in you. The ties are my… (Kevin and Thomas walk across screen when hes talking) … when I see people, I see nothing worth liking.
Grandpa: Isnt that nice? Having my grandkids in that movie instead of some stinko, you cant remember their name? Now weve got all you favorite movies right here (shows 5 DVDs). So please, buy my DVDs that my wife made, and dont be scared anymore.
Bret Michaels….Jason Sudeikis Amber….Amy Poehler Daisy….Tina Fey Christy Jo….Casey Wilson Peyton….Kristen Wiig Big John….Fred Armisen
[Rock beat. Montage of reality show Rock of Love II.Cut to Bret Michaels, singer of 80’s hair band Poison.He has a red handkerchief that covers his head andforehead. Cowboy hat on. In the house there are Goldrecords hanging from the walls.]
Bret Michaels: This has been the toughest season everin the two seasons of “Rock of Love”. I’m just havinga devil of a time deciding which one of this smokinghot, hotties is my one true love and sex mate. Youknow, its days like this I wish I wasn’t Bret Michaelsbut I am. So I’m just doing what any other regular guywould do to find love—have VH-1 fill a McMansion inReseda with dicey strippers, put them in bikinis andthen have them smash dirt bikes into each other. Whatcan I say? I’m a romantic.
[Cut to shot of the outside pool. Cut again into themansion. Three young women stand side by side in somesteps. Candles burn in the wall behind them. BretMichaels stands in front of them. He has an acousticguitar with him, sits on a stool]
Bret Michaels: Ladies, this has been a long road andyou’re all amazing women. But one of you has to gohome tonight because—[sings and plays the guitar hissignature ballad “Every Rose Has Its Thorn”]Every rose has its thorn…
[Cut to one of the girls confessionals. Daisy is adirty blond, tattooed groupie. She is stoned or drunkand holds a drink in her hand]
Caption: Daisy
Daisy:[rambling] When I first met Bret I was like “Ohmy God he’s the man of my dreams” and I was like “Ihope he picks me” and then I was like “did someoneslip something in my drink?” and then I was like”where am I?” and then I was like “oh, yeah, we’re atBret’s house”.[takes a sip of her drink and drools all over herself]
[Cut to Bret singing]
Bret Michaels:[sings] Just like every night has its dawn….
[Cut to Peyton’s confessional. Peyton is a crazy eyedgroupie. Dressed in black, tank top, unkempt look on her]
Caption: Peyton
Peyton: I’m just getting really scared cause Bret andI aren’t connecting and that’s because Bret and Ihaven’t had enough face-time! The only time we did getface-time I tried to kiss him and he pushed my faceaway and that guy will make out with anything. Onetime I saw him making out with a pair of sweat pants!! Face-time!!
[Cut to Bret singing]
Bret Michaels:[sings] Just like every cowboy/sings asad,sad song/ every rose has its thorn….
[In hops beautiful, blond, rude, leg amputee Amber.She hops on her one leg with a McDonald’s bag in herhand chewing her food.]
Amber: Yeah, I’m late, I’m late! Who cares?! I’m alsohot and I’m rocking one leg! Jealous?![throws gang signs]
[Cut to Amber’s confessional]
Caption: Amber
Amber: Here’s why I’m going to win Bret’s heart. I cando the worm, I’ve served jail time, I got mad skintags and I’m rocking one leg, bro’! So, which one ofyou bitches is coming in second?
[Cut to Bret and the girls]
Bret Michaels: I got four beautiful ladies here andI’ve only got three passes so–[gets hit withsomething]-hey, what was that?
Amber: What?! Are you blind?! It was a chicken McNugget!
Bret Michaels: Amber, why would you do that?
Amber: Because I need attention.
Bret Michaels: Look Amber, I got to tell you, I justcan’t figure you out.
Amber: Good! I don’t wanna be figured out!
Bret Michaels: You’re very complicated.
Amber: You’re very complicated!
Bret Michaels: And you only got one leg.
Amber: Duh!!
Bret Michaels: Which I got to say, I find a little sexy.
Amber: Yeah, I know you do.
[Amber empties the MacDonald’s bag into her mouth. Amess of fries and McNuggets hit her face. A frydangles from her mouth]
[Christy Jo is another hopeful and the only oneslightly attractive. She’s a desperate one]
Christy Jo:[almost crying]I just want to say that I’mhere for you, Bret!
Daisy: Oh my God, I’m at Bret’s house!
Peyton: I just need some face-time!
[Bret grimaces]
Bret Michaels: OK. Big John, can I have the first pass, please?
[Dramatic piano music. Big John has a do rag on hishead. He walks in and hands Bret a necklace.]
Big John: You got it, Bret Michaels.[leaves]
[A shot of the girls. Christy Jo has her fingerscrossed, Peyton has a crazy stare on her face, Daisyis barely conscious and Amber picks her teeth with her fingernails]
Bret Michaels: Christy Jo, will you come down here, please?
Christy Jo: Ooh!![Christy Jo walks down the couple ofsteps and joins Bret]
Bret Michaels: Christy Jo, do you promise to stay inmy house and continue to rock my world? [puts on thenecklace/pass on Christy Jo]
Christy Jo: Oh my God! Of course,[hyperventilatesbetween pauses] I’m–so–here–for–you!!
Bret Michaels: Good. But remember what I told you. Ineed to to get to know the inside of your mouth better.
Christy Jo: Ok.
[They sloppily suck each others tongues. Christy Jomakes a kind of disgusted face, goes back to her place on the steps]
Bret Michaels: Yeah, yeah. Big John, can I get the next pass, please?
Big John: I got it right here, Bret Michaels.[leaves]
Bret Michaels: Thanks Big John. Peyton, will you get down here, please?
Peyton: Face-time!![goes down the steps and joins Bret]
Bret Michaels: All right, here’s your pass. Now look,I need to pick three people this week, so you’restaying but I can’t reiterate enough how unattracted Iam to you.[Peyton tries to get close to Bret’s face,he puts his hand on her face pushing her back] No, no.
Peyton: FACE-TIME![leaves]
[Bret wipes his hand on his jacket]
Bret Michaels: All right, I only got one pass left.
Amber: Good. I only got one leg left.
Bret Michaels: Big John.
Big John: Bret Michaels.[gives the last necklace/pass to Bret and leaves]
Bret Michaels: Daisy, will you come down here, please?[Daisy joins Bret]Daisy?
Daisy: Yeah?
Bret Michaels: Daisy I uh–[Daisy tries to pick underBret’s bandanna]no, no, no. Don’t. Trust me. LookDaisy, will you stay in this house and continue torock my world?
Daisy: Oh, my God! Yeah! I love you Bret, I love youmore than anything, ba, ba, ba, ba [mumblesincoherently, Bret kisses her in the mouth and shecontinues to ramble on. He blows air on her face. Shegoes back to her place on the steps]
Bret Michaels: That’s good. That was real good. Itfelt good. It looked good. Ok, Amber, I’m afraid thatmeans your tour ends here.
Amber: Good.
Bret Michaels: Will you come down here, please?
Amber: Fine. I was going that way anyway.
[Amber hops down to Bret and with each hop, she farts]
Amber: Yeah, I know it is time for me to go and I’mlate! I got a million shows lined up that I’m gonnahop on over to find love. “I Love New York”, “Flavorof Love”, “Celebrity Rehab”, “Scott Baio is 50”, “TimGunn”, “Dog Whisperer”, “The Perfect Shot”, “The RealHousewives”, “How Clean is your House” and “Cash Cab”!Because you know who has two thumbs, one leg and hasthe skills to pay the bills?[points her thumbs atherself]This guy! Yeah, Boy-hee!![throws gang signs]Uh-oh![loses her balance and falls to the floor face first]
Tina Fey: Wow! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you very much! wow, it is an honor to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live”, on the FIRST show back from the Writer’s Strike of ought-seven — TV is BACK! [ the audience applauds ] And, uh — it’s great to be back here with our crew. You know, we went on strike, and they missed twelve weeks of work because of that, and, um, it’s just good to be here with them and know there are no hard feelings.
[ a boom mike swoops down and smacks Tina across the head ]
Okay, maybe a little tension. But, uh — [ she laughs ] But the strike was very important to the future of our industry, and I am proud to be able to tell you tonight… that the Writer’s Guild of America has negotiated a deal with the studios, that would raise the rate of writer compensation for ad-supported electronic sale through downloads, from a flate rate of $600 for 26 weeks per 1,000 downloads… to a percentage of .036% of the distributor’s gross of any ad revenue generated by said treaming after an initial window of 17 days — starting in three years. So — yeah!
[ the audience applauds ]
That’s not bad. Anyway, I am honored to be here, uh — I was a writer here for nine years, and I’ve always thought of myself more as a writer than a performer —
Steve Martin: Oh boy, oh boy!
[ Steve Martin runs up and joins Tina onstage ]
[ the audience cheers with excitement ]
Tina Fey: Steve! Uh — what are you doing here, Steve?
Steve Martin: Well, Tina, I was just sitting home watching the show, and I — I heard you say that you felt more like a writer than a performer, and I said, “I’ve gotta get up there and help that girl.”
Tina Fey: Wow. That’s pretty fast.
Steve Martin: Because, tonight, of all nights, it’s so important that you are NOT a writer — that you are a performer!
Tina Fey: Be a performer. Yeah.
Steve Martin: Do you think you can do it?
Tina Fey: [ doubtful ] I don’t know if I’m really up to it —
[ Steve extends his hand and slap Tina across the face ]
Tina Fey: Right… you’re right… I needed that, yeah…
Steve Martin: You know, Tina — I was once small like you. People forget that I got my start as a writer, and why do they forget? Because I wanted them to forget! I wanted to be a STAR! Look at you, all slouched over, like a writer. All apologetic! [ turns to glance offscreen ] Look at those writers — you don’t want to end up like them!
[ reveal a trio of frumpily-dressed writers — Simon Rich and two others — standing in front of the CNN set with mouths agape, their souls lost in the momentum ]
Steve Martin: All — all weak and — all weak and — and — young! Now, STAND UP STRAIGHT!!
Tina Fey: Okay.
Steve Martin: Now, take off those glasses!!
[ Tina whips off her glasses and smiles ]
Steve Martin: You know… put ’em back on again.
Tina Fey: Okay. [ returns her frames to her face ]
Steve Martin: But, you know why? Because it’s a trademark, and people love trademarks!
Tina Fey: Okay!
Steve Martin: You’ve gotta stay loose and playful! [ grabs her temple ] A writer lives up here! [ pats his belly ] A performer works from the GUT!
Tina Fey: Okay!
[ Steve reaches over to pat Tina’s belly, then grimaces ]
Steve Martin: What have you got under there, bike shorts or something?
Tina Fey: Don’t worry about it.
Steve Martin: Oh. Now, let me hear you say it: “I can do it!”
Tina Fey: I can do it!
Steve Martin: Now, say it a little louder now!
Tina Fey: I can do it!!
Steve Martin: A little softer now!
Tina Fey: [ with a whisper ] I can do it.
Steve Martin: Now, say it like you’re — like you’re in an old-fashioned movie!
Tina Fey: [ as Mae West ] I can do it!
Steve Martin: Now, say it like a cartoon mouse!
Tina Fey: [ squeaky-voiced ] I can do it!
Steve Martin: Now, say it like a — like a — like a cartoon mouse in Spanish!
[ Tina rattles off a squeaky voice in an off-dialect ]
Steve Martin: Now, say it like a drunk Chinese woman!
Tina Fey: Ohhh, I can dew eet!
Steve Martin: [ stretches out his arms and smiles ] You know what I think? I think you can do it!
Tina Fey: [ smiles ] I think I CAN do it!
[ Steve slaps Tina across the face a second time ]
Tina Fey: What was that one for?
Steve Martin: That one was just for fun!
[ Steve slaps Tina across the face a third time ]
Tina Fey: Was that one for fun, too?
Steve Martin: No, that’s the Comedy Rule of Three.
Tina Fey: Oh.
Steve Martin: Now, introduce the show!
Tina Fey: Okay! [ to the audience ] We’ve got a great show — Carrie Underwood is here!
Daniel Plainview…..Bill Hader H.W. Plainview…..Amy Poehler Guy #1…..Kenan Thompson Guy #2…..Will Forte Anton Chigurh…..Fred Armisen Juno…..Tina Fey
Announcer: You’re watching the Food Network, porn for fat people.
Daniel Plainview: My name is Daniel Plainview. This is my son and partner, H.W. Plainview. I’m an oil man; I travel from state to state to find oil rich fields that I can drill on. But when I’m not doing that, I’m on a quest for my second love: the perfect milkshake. Welcome to my show.
[Theme song begins to paper cutouts Daniel and HW dancing in diners]
Singer: Oil, they call it liquid gold/But I prefer my liquids cold/I go from town to town/empty cups in my way/I drink your milkshake!
Daniel Plainview: Each week on I Drink Your Milkshake, we visit a famous ice cream parlor or soda fountain. Today, we find ourselves at Garity’s in Bangor, Maine. But enough talk, let’s go drink a milkshake, shall we? [Walks up to a couple at a table] Good day sir, ma’am.
Guy #1: Uh…hello.
Daniel Plainview: I’m Daniel Plainview, this is my partner and son H.W. I’m an oil man, but I also love milkshakes, and now, I’m going to drink your milkshake. What do you think of that?
Guy #1: I’m sorry, I don’t understand…?
Daniel Plainview: Well let me explain it to you, you have a milkshake, and I have a straw. [Pulls out an oversized straw]
Guy #1: That’s a really big straw.
Daniel Plainview: My straw reaches across the room, and I DRINK YOUR MILKSHAKE! [Drinks most of guy’s milkshake within one slurp] I DRINK IT UP!
Guy #1: Yeah, well I have a cold, buddy, so joke’s on you.
Daniel Plainview: Each week on I Drink Your Milkshake, I’m joined by a special guest. This week is my good friend, Mexican businessman and assassin, Anton Chigurh. [Anton walks in with the cattle gun used in No Country for Old Men] How are you, Anton?
Anton Chigurh: What business of yours is it how I am, friend-o?
Daniel Plainview: [Laughs] Very good. You remember my boy, HW? [HW is missing from the scene] No! No! I’ve abandoned my child! I’ve abandoned my boy! I’ve abandoned my child! I’ve–[HW walks back onto the set[ Oh, there he is. Ah! Another milkshake. [Daniel, Anton and HW walk up to a table with an elderly man] Good day, old man. I’m going to drink your milkshake!
Guy #2: No you’re not, go get your own milkshake!
Anton Chigurh: Let me handle this. What’s the most you ever loss on a coin flip?
Guy #2: I don’t know, I couldn’t say.
Anton Chigurh: Call it.
Guy #2: Call it?
Anton Chigurh: Yes.
Guy #2: For what?
Anton Chigurh: Just call it.
Guy #2: Well we need to know what we’re calling it for! It better not be for my milkshake!
Anton Chigurh: We’re calling it for your milkshake.
Guy #2: I thought so! Well no deal, I’m drinking it with my milkshake! Sir, please tell your wife to stop bothering me!
Daniel Plainview: This isn’t my wife, this is a man.
Guy #2: A man? Well then why do you have a lady’s hairdo? [Anton shoots him in the forehead with a cattle gun]
Daniel Plainview: That’s all the time we have for this week. Join me next week when we go to the Moo Shop in Kenosha, Wisconsin with my special guest, a young pregnant girl named Juno. [external view of Moo Shop]
Juno: My kudos for whoever shook this shake, Magnum.
Daniel Plainview: I’m sorry, are you speaking English?
Juno: Where’s the bathroom, Fombonious {sp?} Jones? I’ve got the urge to purge.
Nicolette…..Amy Poehler Partners…..Bill Hader, Jason Sudeikis Ms. St. George…..Kristen Wiig Male Employee…..Andy Samberg Third Lady…..Casey Wilson Nan Winters-Rodriguez…..Tina Fey
[ open on black screen, with titles zooming forward ]
Announcer: From the creators of “Lipstick Jungle” and “Cashmere Mafia” —
[ dissolve to four aptly-described women standing before a New York City backdrop ]
Comes a new drama about four powerful, beautiful, unrealistic women working in New York City.
[ title zooms forward, as offscreen fans blow their hair ]
“Lady Business”.
[ cut to Nicolette ]
There’s Nicolette. In the cutthroat world of business, she holds the knife.
[ cut to Nicolette standing over two male partners at a boardroom table ]
Nicolette: Now that I’ve been made a partner in this law firm, there’s going to be some CHANGES! From now on, meetings are no longer “mandatory” — they’re “womandatory”! [ she smiles, dabs lipstikck on her lips, and sprays perfume across her neck ]
[ cut to Ms. St. George ]
Announcer: If you want to know about the power of persuasion… ask a woman who can sell fire to a snowman.
[ cut to Ms. St. George standing over a male employee ]
Male Employee: This is some ad agency you’ve created, Miss St. George.
Ms. St. George: Thank you. And it’s pronounced “De Gorge“.
Male Employee: I apologize. Can I make it up to you by buying you a drink?
Ms. St. George: I don’t think you can handle me.
Male Employee: Why is that?
Ms. St. George: ‘Cause I’m a BITCH in the boardroom, a BORE in the bedroom… and I’m a BEAR on the toilet. [ she holds up a hairdryer and proceeds to dry her long, silky hair ]
[ cut to title card ]
Announcer: “Lady Business”.
[ dissolve to split-screen of the first three women ]
Three women with beauty, power, and money.
[ dissolve to Nan Winters-Rodriguez ]
And a fourth woman… who knows them, somehow… maybe from college.
[ dissolve to Nan Winters-Rodriguez exiting her car in a No Parking zone, as a Cop approaches ]
Cop: Excuse me, ma’am, you can’t park here.
Nan Winters-Rodriguez: [ disgusted ] Oh, I can park anywhere I WANT! Don’t you know who I am?
Cop: [ shakes his head ] No. Who are you?
Nan Winters-Rodriguez: I’m Nan Winters-Rodriguez. I remove dead animals from underneath people’s homes, with a dead animal vacuum or a hook — and I’m the BEST! Now, step aside — I’ve got to suck a family of unlucky racoons out from under that Dunkin Donuts! [ she holds up an oversized Racc-Vac and grins at the camera ]
Jenny…..Kristen Wiig Billy…..Will Forte Ali…..Tina Fey Ed Mahoney…..Jason Sudeikis
[ open on wedding reception, as Jenny toasts the happy couple to her left ]
Jenny: — and I remember she said to me: “Jenny… he’s the one! I FINALLY found the one!” Oh, God, I’m so happy for you two! [ weeping ] I’m so lonely… [ toasts her glass ] To Billy and Ali!
[ everyone sips champagne, except Jenny who swallows her glass whole ]
Jenny: That’s the stuff! Up next is… Billy’s best man. Ed?
[ Ed Mahoney approaches the podium chuckling heartily ]
Ed Mahoney: Whoo!! Wow! Wow, what an act to follow, huh? That girl’s got more problems than a math book! Yikes! [ chuckles loudly ] Howdy, folks! My name’s Ed Mahoney, I want to give a speech about my best PAL, here! Now, I’ve known this ol’ sack o’ potatoes here for 22 years! Though I’ve only liked him for the last nine! [ he chuckles ] No, I’m kiddin’, I’m kiddin’! Well… not really! Not really, no. The guy was a real DICK in high school! He knows as well as anybody!
Like, anyway — when Billy asked me to be his best man, I thought LONG and HARD about it! And, as some of you ladies out there know, my THOUGHTS are the only thing long and hard about me! [ he chuckles loudly ] No, I’m kiddin’, I’m kiddin’! It’s my thoughts and my CRAPS! [ he chuckles harder ] Oh, boy! Look at Ali’s face! Oh, man, she hates it when I work below the belt! God bless her! Lord knows he did in the body department! Holy moly, huh?! What a figure on this one — Jiminy Christmas! She looks like she was sculpted out of marble by a SEX MANIAC! [ he chuckles ] Well, she met her match with ol’ Billy here! This guy’s laid more pipe than the Mario Brothers! [ he chuckles, as Billy turns red ] Although, they’ve probably eaten the same amount of mushrooms! Yeah! Hey — quick mushroom story for ya’: look, Billy and I were once so high, we got in a fistfight with a bowl of M&Ms! [ he chuckles ] Yeah, and then we french-kissed for an hour! [ turns to look at Ali ] Oh, boy!! Now I’ve done it!! Look at that! Look at Ali’s face! Poop, drugs, and gay stuff — every bride’s dream, right?! [ he chuckles ]
Look, folks — marriage is about honesty! You know what else marriage is about? Lying your BALLS off! Yeah! You know what else it’s about? It’s about playing STUPID for each other! Like, do I really think my wife believes me when I tell her I think about her when I masturbate?! What the HELL am I talking about?!!
[ to Ed’s side, Billy and Ali are arguing about the speech he’s giving ]
Ed Mahoney: Oh, my goodness! Guys! I gotta be honest with ya’ — I’ve segue-wayed into an area I could NOT have anticipated! Yeah! And I’m beginning to second-guess that pint of Jack Daniels and shot of beer I drank as a switcheroo! So, let’s see if I can wrap this up! [ he raises his glass ] A toast! A toast to Billy and Ali! Now, there’s a sad statistic going around that says that 50% of all marriages end in divorce. Well, the other 50%… end in death. [ he snods solemnly ] Yeah. I hope you two DIE!
Good luck, goofballs! D.J., work your magic!
[ Ed begins to dance as the D.J. plays a dance track ]
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Democratic DebateSummary: News anchors continue to fawn over Barack Obama (Fred Armisen) while giving Hillary Clinton (Amy Poehler) during their latest Democratic debate. Afterwards, the real Hillary Clinton gives an editorial response to the sketch.
